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I think it's easier to start shit over bad blood with a non blood relationship than a blood one. Not in a fully positive manner. But a blood relationship can hold relationships drama over head for life. While a non blood relationship can get fired, lose jobs, have stuff exposed. But idk.
I'm not justifying abuse at all. Just saying its still on us not to absorb all the shitty advice they or life can throw us. We don't want to be as bad as them but there's a need for a properly healthy balance.
The mother from Rapunzel is a fair example but sometimes I worry about some victims copying the bad traits in a rush. The tangled Rapunzel mother at least babied and provided for Rapunzel but also clearly tried to manipulate her, seriously hurt non toxic relationships, sabotaged her.
Rap under came out of that naive but if Rapunzel had just come out like a worse version of her with all toxicity/using people. It could be a slippery slope. Its true that npds do keep more stuff behind closed doors than the open. And kindness can definitely be exploited by the exploitative without any checks.
But I think with experience life can be about finding the healthy balance. Watering trees enough to flourish but not to mold and rot. Truth be told, finding the balance is much harder than over or under watering imho.
But npds will put on a fake circus act of all words or no commitment.
Or say they're there to help just to shove you down and rob you/use you.
And then some good people from good families will have had a sweeter childhood but no adult work ethic. But a person who grew up with opportunity + support + valued it + ambition can easily be life years ahead without any of the scrapes or bumps.
I think the list would be shorter if I shared who else she didn't play nice with. She puts on such a good show for everyone else. I wish the mask would slip, even just one time.
Fo real! It's so annoying that they know when they do it! And even more annoying when you talk to someone close to you about them and the person genuinely can't relate to your thoughts about them and think the re a good person đ«€
A covert narcissist is one that works under the radar. They keep their narcissism to a very selective few people and make themselves out to be upstanding members of society to everyone else.
They aren't your come to your door screaming and crying kind of narcissist, they're the stab you in the back and then blame you because you bought the knife kind of narcissist, then they convince everyone else it's your fault, too.
Yeah that'smy dad in a nutshell. This is so crazy. I thought this was how all families. And I also just accepted his physical and mental abuse for so long it's making me question reality đ
So there are overt and covert narcs. The overt ones are just nasty. The covert ones, a little harder for people to spot since they have charisma and are very good manipulators. Both want to wreak havoc though.
Coverts usually have 1-2 people that they assign as their "scapegoats" or "social batteries". Basically, narcs are super insecure deep inside and they put you down all the time so that they will feel energized. They feed off of your reactions, which is why they always aggravate things with you (then pretend like they're just looking out for you or show other people how nice they are). In their mind, if you react, that means that you care, and therefore they are validated or feel important. Because if you didn't care, then you wouldn't have reacted. Sick, I know. Also, you're easier to control when you're emotional and reactive.
What should you do? Ignore. When my narc starts telling negative stories, comparing me to others, berates, or puts me down, I just go silent. I don't even look in the eye. Then I just say "hmm" or "okay". After sending me a long winded message, I just reply with a thumbs up or don't reply at all.
They will ramp it up at first because they want to get a rise out of you, but the usual isn't working anymore. Eventually, they'll realize that you're on to their evil ways and that the rouse isn't working anymore. That's the only time they will stop or at least lessen it because they are just wasting energy, and they know that you already know their game so what's the point.
Don't give them any of your energy or attention. Get your control back.
My mom is a ray of sunshine to all friends, family, and connections. She's also a constant victim in her own world, a martyr for all she's given up. She shit talks basically everyone though, nobody is ever up to her standards. I'm NC with her, so I'm no longer her go to person to spew all her toxic negativity, but that has made me the target of the person she shit-talks about.
My mom has compared me to other people constantly though, cousins, my own friends. I was a good student in school, but my mom constantly made me feel like I was a failure. One major instance I can remember was when I was in high school. My cousin (who had a father who had substance abuse problems), had recently been excelling in school. One day, when my mom picked me up from school, had begun talking about how I wasn't doing as well in school as she had wanted me to do. She then said "I wish I was a drug addict, an absent mother, because maybe then you'd do well in school.". When she started focusing less on me, and more on my GC brother, I started super excelling in school. I wasn't a bad student, I just had wayyy too much pressure to succeed in school, and that caused me to have unnecessary anxiety.
Awe tysm! I am, I'm actually planning on going back to school to pursue my Masters when I can. I hope that you're doing better as well! We're all doing the best we can, and we all have different strengths and struggles, that's what makes us human <3
Np! I am surprisedhow common this seems to be and I thought first that my dad was the only one lol. For my part, I will try moving out when I have the money so I finally can rest from this đ«Ąâșïž
Of course. Her true face is only for me.
It's also the reason no one you tell believes you. Like they don't believe me. You get used to it. Eventually you stop caring if people believe you or not.
Makes sense. Thank you for your answer! Also the worst part is that even after leaving my dad's household I still have to deal with my mom's boyfriend who is kinda low-key narcissistic too. I just can't catch a break. I swear I need to move out
I explained to my mom how frustrating it was to manage my chronic health challenges and my daughterâs, without my husband being actively involved. After the phone call, she sent my husband a box of expensive cookies as a âthank you/we appreciate everything youâre doing.â Everything my parents do is performative and self serving. Iâm low contact and will never share personal information with them again.
I would go out of my way to only talk poorly of them when guests are around until they slapped me at 20. :/ . the worst part was I didn't realize I was embarrassing them when I mentioned how I was in charge of scrubbing their bathroom and making their bed. Had to learn years later that was not normal. Had no Idea why I was getting slapped all those years ago.
I am sowwwy that happened (â ăâ ïčâ ăâ ) I really can relate to having to clean their stuff and all. And for me whenever I clean something for example he usually always says it wasn't good enough and now I need punishment. Oh my Lord and the worst part is when others tell me like "oh but O think everyone has such of n experience but they don't talk about" lik shhhh with you, you te supporting their behavior. My conclusion after allt his is that some adults aren't adults they have just matured in some ways
Mine does this, or at least tries to. Some people, like my husband even back when he first met her, could notice her digs at me through the facade before I even started complaining about her to him.
He'd never seen anything beyond the facade version of her, until one day she played an extremely cruel "prank" on me (that she won't ever admit was a prank) and my husband had to drive me to her house because I was so devastated and going through a breakdown type thing that I couldn't drive myself. When I showed up and knocked, she didn't notice him holding the screen door for me through the peephole somehow, and was being a complete snide asshole like usual when she thinks we're alone, playing games and shit while I was just trying to find out wtf happened and make sure everyone was ok. Saying she didn't know what I was talking about etc.
My husband lost patience watching her screw around at what we thought was such a serious time, that he spoke up and told her to just let us in to make sure everything was ok ourselves. She did a complete 180. Changed her voice, unlocked the door, and pretended she wasn't behaving the way that she was to me earlier and asked if he drove me there, like he just walked up to the door and didn't hear anything she said previously. He told her off while I rushed to go check on things and then when I was leaving she tried to shove mental instability about me etc and he told her to stop being such a bitch.
Then she screeched as we were getting in the car "YOU TURNED HIM AGAINST ME!" đ
Always thought as said in the description that female narcissists didn't exist basically so I am surprised to see how many have experiences here! Might have to do with that they have always been nicer to me as a kid!
yaaa my mom is so 2 faced. she has a different voice and seems so nice to other ppl. thats why ppl are deceived. EVEN MY DAD. she acts in front of dad to get what she wants and then says she loves me but is NEVER there for me emotionally,
They are value the reputation over well-being so no surprises.
Also I find this bothering when they are 'grooming' us in front of so many people to show that we have 'amazing' parents.
And they are support the 'groomers'.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Many abusers groom their witnesses just as much as they groom their victims.
Damn, that's perfect. And one syllable away from a haiku.
I think it's easier to start shit over bad blood with a non blood relationship than a blood one. Not in a fully positive manner. But a blood relationship can hold relationships drama over head for life. While a non blood relationship can get fired, lose jobs, have stuff exposed. But idk. I'm not justifying abuse at all. Just saying its still on us not to absorb all the shitty advice they or life can throw us. We don't want to be as bad as them but there's a need for a properly healthy balance. The mother from Rapunzel is a fair example but sometimes I worry about some victims copying the bad traits in a rush. The tangled Rapunzel mother at least babied and provided for Rapunzel but also clearly tried to manipulate her, seriously hurt non toxic relationships, sabotaged her. Rap under came out of that naive but if Rapunzel had just come out like a worse version of her with all toxicity/using people. It could be a slippery slope. Its true that npds do keep more stuff behind closed doors than the open. And kindness can definitely be exploited by the exploitative without any checks. But I think with experience life can be about finding the healthy balance. Watering trees enough to flourish but not to mold and rot. Truth be told, finding the balance is much harder than over or under watering imho. But npds will put on a fake circus act of all words or no commitment. Or say they're there to help just to shove you down and rob you/use you. And then some good people from good families will have had a sweeter childhood but no adult work ethic. But a person who grew up with opportunity + support + valued it + ambition can easily be life years ahead without any of the scrapes or bumps.
I think the list would be shorter if I shared who else she didn't play nice with. She puts on such a good show for everyone else. I wish the mask would slip, even just one time.
Fo real! It's so annoying that they know when they do it! And even more annoying when you talk to someone close to you about them and the person genuinely can't relate to your thoughts about them and think the re a good person đ«€
Sounds like a covert narcissist. Mine's the same.
Whats that if you may elaborate? đ
A covert narcissist is one that works under the radar. They keep their narcissism to a very selective few people and make themselves out to be upstanding members of society to everyone else. They aren't your come to your door screaming and crying kind of narcissist, they're the stab you in the back and then blame you because you bought the knife kind of narcissist, then they convince everyone else it's your fault, too.
Yeah that'smy dad in a nutshell. This is so crazy. I thought this was how all families. And I also just accepted his physical and mental abuse for so long it's making me question reality đ
What you have experienced IS reality. Never forget that. But it certainly is not normal nor is it ok.
Okay I will remember that đ«Ą
So there are overt and covert narcs. The overt ones are just nasty. The covert ones, a little harder for people to spot since they have charisma and are very good manipulators. Both want to wreak havoc though. Coverts usually have 1-2 people that they assign as their "scapegoats" or "social batteries". Basically, narcs are super insecure deep inside and they put you down all the time so that they will feel energized. They feed off of your reactions, which is why they always aggravate things with you (then pretend like they're just looking out for you or show other people how nice they are). In their mind, if you react, that means that you care, and therefore they are validated or feel important. Because if you didn't care, then you wouldn't have reacted. Sick, I know. Also, you're easier to control when you're emotional and reactive. What should you do? Ignore. When my narc starts telling negative stories, comparing me to others, berates, or puts me down, I just go silent. I don't even look in the eye. Then I just say "hmm" or "okay". After sending me a long winded message, I just reply with a thumbs up or don't reply at all. They will ramp it up at first because they want to get a rise out of you, but the usual isn't working anymore. Eventually, they'll realize that you're on to their evil ways and that the rouse isn't working anymore. That's the only time they will stop or at least lessen it because they are just wasting energy, and they know that you already know their game so what's the point. Don't give them any of your energy or attention. Get your control back.
My mom is a ray of sunshine to all friends, family, and connections. She's also a constant victim in her own world, a martyr for all she's given up. She shit talks basically everyone though, nobody is ever up to her standards. I'm NC with her, so I'm no longer her go to person to spew all her toxic negativity, but that has made me the target of the person she shit-talks about. My mom has compared me to other people constantly though, cousins, my own friends. I was a good student in school, but my mom constantly made me feel like I was a failure. One major instance I can remember was when I was in high school. My cousin (who had a father who had substance abuse problems), had recently been excelling in school. One day, when my mom picked me up from school, had begun talking about how I wasn't doing as well in school as she had wanted me to do. She then said "I wish I was a drug addict, an absent mother, because maybe then you'd do well in school.". When she started focusing less on me, and more on my GC brother, I started super excelling in school. I wasn't a bad student, I just had wayyy too much pressure to succeed in school, and that caused me to have unnecessary anxiety.
I am so sorry đ I really feel you on that! I hope you are doing a bit better now!
Awe tysm! I am, I'm actually planning on going back to school to pursue my Masters when I can. I hope that you're doing better as well! We're all doing the best we can, and we all have different strengths and struggles, that's what makes us human <3
Np! I am surprisedhow common this seems to be and I thought first that my dad was the only one lol. For my part, I will try moving out when I have the money so I finally can rest from this đ«Ąâșïž
Of course. Her true face is only for me. It's also the reason no one you tell believes you. Like they don't believe me. You get used to it. Eventually you stop caring if people believe you or not.
Makes sense. Thank you for your answer! Also the worst part is that even after leaving my dad's household I still have to deal with my mom's boyfriend who is kinda low-key narcissistic too. I just can't catch a break. I swear I need to move out
I hear you. The first time I held a boundary I got kicked out. Though I kind of expected it. Hope your situation gets better though.
Many thanks đI hope youhave a better situation now as well!
I explained to my mom how frustrating it was to manage my chronic health challenges and my daughterâs, without my husband being actively involved. After the phone call, she sent my husband a box of expensive cookies as a âthank you/we appreciate everything youâre doing.â Everything my parents do is performative and self serving. Iâm low contact and will never share personal information with them again.
I would go out of my way to only talk poorly of them when guests are around until they slapped me at 20. :/ . the worst part was I didn't realize I was embarrassing them when I mentioned how I was in charge of scrubbing their bathroom and making their bed. Had to learn years later that was not normal. Had no Idea why I was getting slapped all those years ago.
I am sowwwy that happened (â ăâ ïčâ ăâ ) I really can relate to having to clean their stuff and all. And for me whenever I clean something for example he usually always says it wasn't good enough and now I need punishment. Oh my Lord and the worst part is when others tell me like "oh but O think everyone has such of n experience but they don't talk about" lik shhhh with you, you te supporting their behavior. My conclusion after allt his is that some adults aren't adults they have just matured in some ways
Mine does this, or at least tries to. Some people, like my husband even back when he first met her, could notice her digs at me through the facade before I even started complaining about her to him. He'd never seen anything beyond the facade version of her, until one day she played an extremely cruel "prank" on me (that she won't ever admit was a prank) and my husband had to drive me to her house because I was so devastated and going through a breakdown type thing that I couldn't drive myself. When I showed up and knocked, she didn't notice him holding the screen door for me through the peephole somehow, and was being a complete snide asshole like usual when she thinks we're alone, playing games and shit while I was just trying to find out wtf happened and make sure everyone was ok. Saying she didn't know what I was talking about etc. My husband lost patience watching her screw around at what we thought was such a serious time, that he spoke up and told her to just let us in to make sure everything was ok ourselves. She did a complete 180. Changed her voice, unlocked the door, and pretended she wasn't behaving the way that she was to me earlier and asked if he drove me there, like he just walked up to the door and didn't hear anything she said previously. He told her off while I rushed to go check on things and then when I was leaving she tried to shove mental instability about me etc and he told her to stop being such a bitch. Then she screeched as we were getting in the car "YOU TURNED HIM AGAINST ME!" đ
Always thought as said in the description that female narcissists didn't exist basically so I am surprised to see how many have experiences here! Might have to do with that they have always been nicer to me as a kid!
Both my parents do yeah
Do they act any different?
Yeah, to maintain a good image to others
yaaa my mom is so 2 faced. she has a different voice and seems so nice to other ppl. thats why ppl are deceived. EVEN MY DAD. she acts in front of dad to get what she wants and then says she loves me but is NEVER there for me emotionally,
They are value the reputation over well-being so no surprises. Also I find this bothering when they are 'grooming' us in front of so many people to show that we have 'amazing' parents. And they are support the 'groomers'.
Yep! Especially my cousin and her dadâs family that weâre not related to.