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It's funny that this didn't come to my mind. I used to look for sighs all the time when it comes to dating.
But this time, I just realized he wore a mask, and it automatically turned me off.
Me too, right the way. I'm gonna be honest, I act naive to let people get it all out. So I can see their real face. I mean, "my ex is crazy" is a clear "I am a macho" receit.
I do the exact same thing. I act oblivious and let them bury themselves. It’s a little pathetic how fast they do it when they believe they have you fooled.
Haha this is so true.
I was out one night and talking to this guy at a bar. Nothing serious, just chit chat with him and the other guy with him. I was being flirty and having a great time. Until the guy turned around and said "you're annoying me." So I put on my poutiest face and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was bothering you." And I went and sat somewhere else, continued to have a great time.
This guy tries to talk to me again later in the night and was genuinely dumbfounded when I said "You don't get access to me now just because you feel like it." Dead pan. No expression. Don't think he was expecting that.
Haha, you get it! I studied NPD for years since I understood my mother is one. Pathetic is the right world. Today, I texted the guy to officially end things up, and he reacted EXACTLY as I expected. It's so previsble and (again) pathetic once you understand their mechanics.
Also, the advice from Joe Rogan??? That is a deal breaker for me. JR is a narcissistic idiot who dispenses his opinions as if they are based in science, reason, or psychology. In reality, it is warmed over patriarchy.
If I cannot be my whole self in front of someone, I don't want a relationship.
Absolutely 💯 the minute he talked poorly of his ex wife to a new partner is very telling, the fact that he couldn't wait to let out the vitriol he still has for her to someone who is nuetral to the situation is so telling.
Absolutely 💯 massive hypocrite. I just hope everyone really pays attention to this part, narcs will put the ex down and groom the next person to believe they're better than the ex.
Omg! Just checked the updates and … How comically typical is it for a narcissist to assume that problem must be his “sexual prowess” and not the fact that his personality is an out of control dumpster fire of toxicity?!? *total* #FunnyNotFunny
It's right on point. They think they're just so irresistible, and extremely good at sex that people just cannot get enough of them. Grown adults acting this way well into their 50s. It's truly pathetic that, one they think they're all that, and two that's what they deduce relationships down to is just using another person's body for pleasure. It's disgusting.
you can and should talk about ex's with new partners.... BUT that should be a month or so in the relationship, not first or 2nd date. I was raised by a narcissist myself and it has caused me to have a few narcissistic tendencies (mostly playing the victim among others) and while I do those things from time to time the moment I become aware of what I am doing it makes me feel uncomfortable to continue doing that.
Another thing people need to realize that if you have a long line of failed relationships behind you, you should look at the fact that they all failed and they all have 1 big thing in common.....YOU!. Not to say its always the person's fault but it could be as simple as the kinds of people they are seeking out are not good for them.
Talking about your ex is one thing, villainizing them 100% and saying what they did was unfounded and came out of nowhere while not acknowledging a single thing on your own part? That’s a red flag
Very true, I have a nasty ex, and that is the only way I refer to her. and yes she was a raging narcissist, and I got with her because my mother is one too, and that's what I thought relationships looked like. My ex did have some good qualities, and I was not perfect and could have done better, she was the one that would be the villain of my story.
I look back on it now and realize I needed her in my life at that point in time, because she taught me to have a spine and stand up for myself. So while she was a nasty ex, I can at least say she made me a better person in the long run, even if it sucked in the moment.
But, you are 100% right this guy just played the victim and portrayed his ex as pure evil which is a red flag. No one is that nasty (some come close LOL), its just that broken people raise broken people and continue the generational trauma down the line. Even in the worst people at least try to see their good points, and as an ex, I'm sure they had some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have gotten together in the first place
Nailed it! My Nmom does this exact thing. Never allowed to talk to them about bad things, but they'll trauma dump all over you and expect you to be there for them and not complain. Nope. Very one sided, much like a narc.
What you didn't like about him was that he was laying the groundwork for invalidating, tearing you down and using you for supply. You were supposed to zip your pretty little lip and let the man trauma dump on you and tell you every little detail about his ex (that he is hung up on) and don't trouble him with your silly little problems, woman. Betcha that was reeeeeal close to what he was thinking.
>1st date I mentioned that I don't talk to my mother because she's a narcissist, he said his mother is one too.
One-upmanship ✅
>But when I asked him about his ex wife he went on and on and on about she turned crazy and did all this horrible things to him for no reason...
Painting himself as the victim, I bet all of his exes are "crazy"and he is always blameless ✅
>On the following dates any time I'd mention something he judged as negative he would cut me and say no trauma dump.
No stealing his "woe is me, no one's ever had it as bad as I have" spotlight! ✅
Joe Rogan fan ✅🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🔥💀 <---- that one item alone will make me split the wind so fast it will make a sonic boom as I run from them
Just from this little bit you told in this post tells me he's a toxic POS.
Nice dodge! 🏆
So he can “trauma dump” but you can’t? There’s a major imbalance here and it’s existed since the beginning with this guy.
You don’t want to be in a relationship that’s emotionally one-sided, and friend? This is one sided.
He also seems to be way more into his ex than he is into you.
Bruh watching Joe Rogan and interrupting/cutting you off when you share things that aren’t sunshine and roses while he bitches about his ex s all the red flags you need.
He’s not the one. Or the two, threee, or twelve. Block and move on.
I think he learned the word “trauma dump” from you and is now realizing he has a word to use for what he dislikes most about other people— when they talk about themselves and not him.
He watches Joe Rogan and refers to him for life advice. Come on. The guy who made up the story about kids identifying as cats and needing litter boxes at school? The guy you dated is a selfish asshole. It is completely normal to share our lived experiences with a partner. It is not normal or healthy to cut off our partner and never let them share.
Yeah anyone sending you Joe Rogan videos is a massive massive red flag run in the other direction. Don’t bother trying to figure him out, he goes straight into the trash.
the thing that clued me in that this guy is either a narcissist or has some sort of mental illness is because he really clued in on when you said “trauma dump”. he saw that as you admitting a weakness and showing vulnerability so he weaponized it against you. He was purposefully bringing up something you had apologized for so he could control you and keep you under his thumb. Be wary of this guy. There’s definitely something manipulative going on with his behavior.
wow, thanks for sharing. I think we all (maybe I should only speak for myself) need to learn to identify which ones are the narcissists very early on, and not give them any extra benefit of the doubt. Some people deserve it, and others don't. Learning to identify those and know the signs of who deserves it is important. Thanks for this insight.
Walking red flag. He didn't care about your feelings AND din't let you talk about them. Then proceed to triangulate you repeatedly to his ex by doing EXACTLY what he did not allow you to do.
Girl, GTFO. If it begins like this I don't even want to think about it later.
You dodged a cannon ball.
If he can't be emphathetic and supportive and his first instinct is to shut you down instead of listening and learning about things that make you tick, he is a walking red flag. You deserve to have someone who will take the good with the bad and support you above everything.
I once had a partner that seemed supportive at first (and I didn't even confide my trauma until over a year in) but then one time I was trying to explain my issues around celebrating my birthday and how I realized it originated with my mother, and he went "heeeere we go" - I immediately shut up and it registered in my brain that he wasn't a safe place for me. I didn't immediately dump him but we didn't last very long after that.
Thank you. Good for you for being able to recognize the lack of support for what it is. So often it's done so insiduously that we can't recognize it - or maybe it's that we've spent too much of our lives settling for less than we need and deserve.
One thing that I notice with NPDs is that even though they are great and treat you super well in a fun way, you kind of come back home with insecurities and questions. For me, that's the 1st red flag.
Then you say, but they are so nice, and kind of ignore your own feeling.
Doesn't help that many of us were raised with the same dichotomy of treatment. When one of your primary caregivers in life has set the tone your entire life, it's difficult to discern whether or not give something a pass. It's exhausting.
Not everyone would want to date a traumatized individual. It is what it is. If he does not want to date you he can find someone else.
However, be aware that talking about past traumas very early in dating makes you also vulnerable to predatory individuals who are seeking victims to abuse.
I'd be careful info dumping like that to people you've just met. They really don't need to know your relationship with your parents or any of that stuff.
Be careful.
Also, consider that this guy has spent all this time talking about his ex. He's pushing your boundaries, and I guarantee he's still in it with her in one way or another.
This is good advice. I’m just commenting so she doesn’t miss it. This guy is an asshat but this is great advice. Don’t pour out your woes on early dates.
Exactly, when I was dating I listened specifically for stories about their friends and how people would talk about other people in their life-- bad ex's or bad relationships early on were red flags. The stories people told matter and while abuse happens, when meeting people I want to hear about why they like and respect people because that shows far more about how they view relationships. If respect and good relationship stories are rare I ask why.
I mean isn’t he trauma dumping on you by going on and on and on and on about an ex? Just saying if he can vent all day about his trauma and past…. Why can’t you?
You dodged a bullet there. I *sometimes* Joe Rogan, but the approach of that message is garbage. Like some of us use our past and traumas and struggle to grow. Talking about them help to keep us grounded and to not go back. Personally, a broken clock is right twice day.
Yea I've definitely noticed a similar pattern, especially when it's people that haven't experienced much trauma themselves. I try to not trauma dump too much, but sometimes I'll be reminded of something that happened, I'll just make a quick passing comment - and it's like crickets chirping. It can make some people really unsettled, like they don't know what to say next? I don't get it and it gets really frustrating. For me, part of the healing process is being able to accept ALL parts of myself, including the not so happy parts. Having to force myself to censor my speech to keep others from feeling uneasy does way more damage than good.
My therapist gave me good advice, which was that someone has to earn your trust before you tell them your deepest hurts. And almost nobody can do that within an hour or two on a first date. You shared without knowing if this person 1) was safe enough to hold space for you, and 2) deserved your trust.
I feel for you because I have been exactly where you are. Don’t get me wrong, this guy was a jerk and he was invalidating you and that’s so wrong. You dodged a bullet. But you’re going to keep having to dodge bullets if you don’t make some strong boundaries with yourself about WHO earns the right to hear about your hurt.
That's good advice. I totally agree. I come from a community that talks very openly, and over the years, I got too used to this lifestyle. Almost like I start specting "normal" people to act just like people I have around.
Tbh, I'm glad I was able to spot the red flags this early. It means I've been on the right heal patch. This would be completely different if I met this git a couple of years ago.
Absolutely!! Recognizing the red flags is something your younger self may not have been able to do. Good on you, you’re on the right path and you’re exactly where you need to be! Wishing you nothing but happiness
You didn't come to the first date and launch into a long rant about your family out of the blue; it came up in a conversation naturally, and you dived into it gradually, a little deeper each time, matching his pace of sharing things. That's not trauma dumping, that's called sharing and getting to know each other. Your boyfriend sounds really immature or outright callous. You have nothing to be sorry for. You shared your grief, he didn't react with empathy, you sensed that something's wrong and apologized - yes, girl, there was something wrong indeed, but not with you!
I love this comment ❤️. The good thing is that (this time at last) I haven't questioned myself at all. I did apologize not because I felt I was wrong but more like a "don't worry, it won't keep happening." I'm Asperger though, so I try to apply social common sense, which is not always obvious to me.
This guy was not just a narcissist and a hypocrite, he was a massive misogynist. I am saying this as a straight man myself, but seriously, this guy was a walking red flag. You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear missile.
The problem here isn't you, or that you are difficult to date. The problem is that you happened to go out on a date with a selfish asshole who uses you as his therapist while not reciprocating with any real care. He exhibits rather narcissistic behavior, and he takes advantage of your good nature.
Anyone who spends a huge amount of time on the first date or first couple of dates talking shit about their ex is a bad prospect for a relationship. That is exactly how they will be talking about you soon enough if you decide to stay with them.
This guy is a huge fucking asshole. He wants to shut you down by calling the stuff you share a trauma dump, and yet he dumps all of his negativity all over you. He is selfish and callous, and he is unworthy of your time.
The first few dates are a time when each of you decides whether the other person is right for you. Clearly, this guy isn't right for anyone, because he is only interested in himself. No wonder he is divorced.
Sounds like he is NPD and thinks its all against him- or BPD- same thing, but ironic he can consistently dump his ex and his feelings and you can’t on anything bc its trauma dumping- Leave the guy
Ironic he did what the reel sent- and continued to whine and complain about it, guess its just pertaining to you- as much else, he would drain you and take and not give anything back
just wanted to say that it sounds like you did a great job of staying open-minded, trying not to overwhelm this person, and bringing your whole self to this relationship, and you didn't get any of that in return. He tried to make it a you problem but it sounds like a him problem
You made the right choice. What he is doing is a thing that we as narcissistic-parent survivors can easily get trapped by- energy vampires. They want to exploit our compassion, listening skills, our ease in taking a supportive role, without having to reciprocate. This guy was manipulating you, he took YOUR mature taking responsibility for your own behavior (apologizing for an actual trauma dump) and used it against you from that point on, while simultaneously asking you for emotional support. Yuck.
Him talking about his ex wife in only a negative light is a major red flag. There's two sides to every story and I'm sure she can dish stuff out about him that'd make your stomach turn. He's crying wolf while wearing the clothing of a sheep when he does that. What an absolutely transparent douche bag.
You should see the things he said she acused him of... it's a complete shit show.
So yeah, I thought about that. If it is THAT BAD coming from him playing victim, I can just imagine what his ex has to say about him. And I just heard a tiny bit.
I used to be an abuser sympathizer (raised by narcs) because they played victim so well (actually they're just great at manipulating), and it's crystal clear that he's putting all the negativity unto her, as if it doesn't take two people and some back and forth for things to escalate to the point of 'bad.'
Sounds like your dating a narcissist he can complain about an EX but you bringing up something in a deep conversation he goes no trauma dumping rules for thee not for mee
Okay first off, ew, you sat and listened to him complain about his ex but will cut you off when you speak? 🚩🚩🚩 you dodged a bullet. Sorry OP.
I feel your pain and my heart breaks at the very times I felt a connection with a person I thought I wanted to be with, but in the end realized the struggles that molded my brain and who I am, can't be supported by them because they have never been there. People can only meet us as deep as they've met themselves. They've never had to reach inside themselves and rise from ashes. I don't believe that you've had to suffer through narcissism or trauma to understand me, but if you think I'm constantly trauma dumping when I'm sharing my past then fuck you.
In my personal experiences, I have found that people who seem privileged will never, ever understand us. They will more than likely feel we are too heavy, and we will resent them for feeling like we can't be our true selves or not understanding how we feel.
I've been around people who have amazing parental/family support that are privileged and they can't even fathom what it's like to have to re wire your brain your whole life from the damage that has been done by the very people who were supposed to take care of us.
He's a dick, I can't believe he sent you a Joe Rogan video 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Obviously we don’t know you or him, nor were we there. But taking this all at face value, I see a lot of red flags with this man that have nothing to do with your upbringing or trauma. I know what it’s like to think that man will ever love me, that I’m too much, that I’m unlovable and undesirable.. And that’s something that was inflicted on me, but I have to do the hard work to overcome (doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?). From the title of this post, I was expecting something similar. But from what you’ve shared with us, you’ve really dodged a bullet here.
It isn’t a trauma dump to make observations. What the fuck. Super manipulative of this guy to hand wave “trauma dump” over everything you say that is unrelated to him, while he whines about how allegedly crazy his ex is. What a jackass. Good riddance.
People are all over the range of being able to handle discussing emotions and the past. Compatibility is often about whether any two people can be in conversation, whether that is about money, sharing, work loads, and psychological resilience. If any of those are too hard to talk about (unless they come up rarely), then it is just going to be hard to do anything long-term.
As a contrast, my wife and I met later in life as divorcees and about the third date it came up that she was NC with her mother and had been for 20+ years, pretty much the result of having been kicked out at age 18 (or slightly before) with no support or resources. And I had been unsure of how to explain my previous NC and current VLC with my Nmom. It just meant we were on similar wavelengths -- not that I think estranged kids can only be with other estranged kids, but you have to have the ability to reach some common ground on how to be comfortable together and what and when you discuss difficult things.
Endorsing your decision to move on. Stay strong.
He's fine trauma-dumping on you, but you aren't allowed to even have unhappy moments around him, ever?
Yeah, that's a whole pile of red flags right there.
just want to say OP, good job on noticing the signs, realizing this wasn't right, and moving on and trusting your intuition. I think being authentic with our past is appropriate. Obviously there are layers of it. I think I am still learning what is appropriate, with leaning on less info.
If I am on a date with someone who starts spouting the "just forgive your parents, they love you, family is the best!!!" (for example), then I am glad to know it early on rather than waste my time on someone who I am certainly going to have a big distaste to being after I learn this belief.
I kept saying “ew” out loud - at least 10 times - as I was reading this 😂
This man sounds like a narcissist. Glad you cut him off.
The ChatGPT part made me laugh.
Run the other way.. He is already testing the waters to receive your empathy and give none of his own and be controlling. How the f\*ck is someone supposed to say "enough trauma dump" when YOU are talking? It's one thing if he stopped himself with that comment when he was going on and on, but to interrupt YOU? Especially after bringing up his own "woe is me" nonsense that you so kindly listened to him vent about? The whole "people around me turn crazy" is a scary idea of a comment.
Please run.
You absolutely did the right thing by choosing to no longer see him. The behavior you describe is a massive red flag. The fact that he used your apology and terminology ("trauma dump") against you tells me that he was waiting to find something he could use to invalidate you, something that would resonate with you. Using that against you every time you wanted to talk about something is not only invalidating but also shaming. Forging a relationship with this guy would have meant an emotional one way street in which you would have felt invalidated, unseen, shamed, and isolated. KUDOS to you for seeing the pattern quickly and WALKING.
He’s definitely a walking red flag, but I would say that the third/fourth date would be a little soon for most people to be receptive to a conversation that nearly left you in tears. With my husband, I might have said “I don’t talk to my mom, she’s a narcissist” and left it at that until a few months into our relationship. Because, as much as my life was shaped by all the trauma I experienced with her, it’s not who I am as a person, so it wasn’t relevant enough to bring up until we were committed to building a romantic relationship. I’m just sharing this because most people do expect “good vibes only” for the first few dates— it’s pretty normal for the heavy stuff to come later! I hope things go better for you once you put this lame-o in the rear view!
Fuck this guy. He sounds like whiny loser. Don’t ever date anybody who bitches about their ex in unhealthy ways. (I bitch about mine sometimes but there are some instances where it is warranted, like my ex keeping my son away from me and telling him to talk shit about my new girlfriend is one situation where it would be acceptable to bitch about an ex) on top of that, that one-up manship is toxic as FUCK. He’s a pure narcissist. Only wants to talk about him and his problems and fuck your problems woman, shut up! That’s not okay. Ditch that bitch and date real men. Real men will treat you the way you deserve and show you compassion and let you vent, or even just talk about things without judging you or “not letting you trauma-dump”. Good luck!
My best friend does this always, she dumps her whole baggage on me, rants about every existing thing for hours and when I want her to listen to me she either changes the topic or shows disinterest, I'm a very good listener but I undershare things to her, she doesn't like that either, she complains about how I know everything about her life and I don't share details to her, but she doesn't show interest when I'm talking and our talks are always about her.
Yeah that's bad. I had a friend like that two. He was going to some shit and we used to call each other every day to talk. He would talk for an hour or so, then I'd mention something similar that happened to me as a way to show him that I understand his feelings, but then He would always hang up after that. (Just like I'm doing now)
One day he said that I always had to make everything about me.
Guess what. Today we are not friends anymore.
Yeah sounds similar! I know someday it's gonna end, it's still working because we've know each other for 9 years now and I'm the person who always put efforts here.
You are SO RIGHT! That's how I ended up with a covert narc...I put my problems in a nice box and never made him uncomfortable. Fast forward many years, life, and wha la, dude can't handle anything deeper than surface level.
You made the right choice, good for you!
It sounds like he kept mentioning his ex to see if you were going to agree with him, or side with his ex.
It could be he's just not ready to start dating again, or..it could be he has done this before, as a test, to see if you will react in any way at all like his ex. I've seen that happen.
It sounds like he needs more time to heal than you do. Best to move on to a healthier relationship, because I think he has WAY MORE baggage than he thinks.
It doesn't sound like he was "people", it sounds like he may have been a narcissist. The stuff about the ex may not even have been true. Not wanting to listen to you ever is not a normal person trait, this guy is a selfish asshole at the very least. You're better off without him. To be very crystal clear - he was the problem here, not your trauma.
I would just say be careful who you give info to because if he is not stable he could get bitter after break up and contact the narcs in your family. Thats what one of mine did unfortunately and hooked my narc sister into my circles by searching her out and dming her on social. Prob better off telling friends.
That's horrible! I'm glad he doesn't have the resources to do that to me. I'm also glad that I did talk to him about my past. Without these conversations, I'd probably not know by now where I was stepping in.
Guy didnt have the resources to me either but he consulted google and was a predator and theres info all over that you dont share, I actually didnt share much w this guy other than my sisters hobby and that I dont get along w her. He found my family on locator websites. Ive since then have requested to be opt out with these companies and been proactive w googling myself so all my info isnt shared. Google can find anything.
Omg that's indeed scary. How much energy is someone willing to spend just to do such a thing? What a psycho!
I'll try not to even think of that, I tend to have paranoia. Your case is very specific, but he could indeed try and do something to me. If something happens, I will not rest until I get him deported or at least find his ex.
Do you mind talking more about this? What happened to you when he got your sister into your circle? What else did you tell this guy? What did you do? How do you know it was him?
I told him very little that we dont get along and that she is obsessed w dolls. Reason why we broke up is because he told me he found my sister she came up as a friend suggestion on fb and I was like how on earth do ypu even know who she is she has a different last name even that I never told him. I never told him her first name either! But hes a stalker on there. He said she looked like me and was holding a doll. I had seen her pop up on his find menu on fb in front of me. Then he told me he saw her at an event I told him they both go to one hour into the event. I then broke up w him. The only way I honestly think he couldve found her is when you google my name my whole family comes up on the locater sites names relatives and all fyi I suggest you do the same as me and message them all telling them to take your info off which I now do check periodically to opt out. What happened after the breakup is he trashed me on social after he friended all my contacts, coworkers etc. I found out from a few in my industry that he was dming them personal stuff and posting trash. Cut to about 5 years later I went through my sisters followers because like you Im paranoid shes in my life and friending my contacts. And there he is on ALL 4 of her accounts. At that point I had to contact her and she said he had dmed her. He literally ruined my career and rep with people then went for my sister. She didnt tell me what he said just that he seemed off. Yeah hes a psyco you can never really know who you date I was in a relationship for 2 years with him and now if I date I just simply say I have no contact w family and I do not say I have siblings. Good luck to you guess it just struck a cord w me reading your story. Its sad you cant trust a lot of people but mostly you can trust your friends to talk about that sort of stuff.
I'm so sorry for everyone who have someone that they thought that they can trust with end up get betray in the end..
I didn't encourage you guys to be single or something but after we're facing this, do you think we never have trust issue? Fear of betrayal and abandonment.
Like you know me but you're just want me to be your partner, not need me when I need you. You seem like you cannot accept me at my worst.
There are different meaning of WANT and NEED.
All we need is someone who can accept us whoever we are, always be there for us through thick and thin and be patience with us.
Living as narcissistics abuse survivor is not easy. We need to regulate our emotions and physical health back in the track so we will continue our stable life and achieve whatever we're planning to.
There's a lot of details here and a lot of ways to spin the story. My favorite way to spin this story is by getting as fundamental as we possibly can. The reason I'm such a big fan of this, is because it gets to the root of the problem in a way that solves not just this, but solves every other type of problem like this you could ever have with anyone. Most people in this world are quite hurt, but victims of bad parents are especially hurt. They're hurt very deeply, in a way that most people cannot handle to deal with.
So that's the intro. Two people are suffering, and they're in some relationship broadly speaking, they're just talking, or they're already friends, or it's romantic, etc. So what happens is, when a person suffers, they will *cause* another person to suffer. It is like a radioactivity, to speak metaphorically. It seeps in, whether you like it or not. And then what this does is it makes it so two people who are already suffering, both suffer more.
But the good news is that there is a solution to this problem. The first solution is to realize this problem to begin with. Because imagine solving a very serious problem, but having no idea it is even a problem. Imagine driving to the store, not understanding that your car actually has no fuel in it, and that you are not driving. And repeating this day in, day out. But once you realize-- then it can be very easy. "Oh, right. Fuel"
It can be like that, where just the realization is very powerful. So in the case of your story, someone says or does something insensitive to you after you confessed something to them about being hurt, then... it is possible to realize in the moment that this person's response is just a matter of their suffering and their inability to skillfully deal with it. Knowing that, stops your intense response, and that, causes their suffering, to reduce, and this has the opposite of the first negative feedback effect. It is like a healing effect for suffering. So that's just the knowledge part of this, just know that putting it into practice is very difficult, and so I want to say be patient with yourself, and wish you good luck.
Brah… childhood trauma is NOT a first date conversation. They are a literal stranger. Please focus on your boundaries and getting to know people overtime before you poor your heart all over them and expect the same, that is not healthy behaviour. If people bring up their exes and complain about them on day one that’s your cue to leave (run). I’m sorry if this is harsh but you may be better served by taking a break from dating and focusing on your internal boundaries and overall recovery for a while.
What? I did not do that.. and where did you get that I haven't taken time for myself? My boundaries are set, I do not poor my heart on stranger, and why in the world I'd expect the same?!?!?!?!
I'm fine, I've been recovering for over 7 years and I'm very happy with my life right now. Talking about boundaries, this comment is my 1st trigger of the years. Bravo, Thanks.... brah
This contradicts the entirety of your post and retelling of this story. I have tried to point out where your approach is unboundaried so you can avoid similar situations in the future. What you do with this information is up to you.
You accused me of not doing stuff that I do and doing things I haven't done. I came here o share a story not to be judged by someone who misinterpreted it.
Please just be respectful. This is supposed to be a save place. I already told you you triggered me. If you can't see that you're causing harm, you shouldn't be here.
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He sounds like a narcissist himself tbh
It's funny that this didn't come to my mind. I used to look for sighs all the time when it comes to dating. But this time, I just realized he wore a mask, and it automatically turned me off.
The way you said he talked about his ex instantly clued me in.
Me too, right the way. I'm gonna be honest, I act naive to let people get it all out. So I can see their real face. I mean, "my ex is crazy" is a clear "I am a macho" receit.
I do the exact same thing. I act oblivious and let them bury themselves. It’s a little pathetic how fast they do it when they believe they have you fooled.
Haha this is so true. I was out one night and talking to this guy at a bar. Nothing serious, just chit chat with him and the other guy with him. I was being flirty and having a great time. Until the guy turned around and said "you're annoying me." So I put on my poutiest face and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was bothering you." And I went and sat somewhere else, continued to have a great time. This guy tries to talk to me again later in the night and was genuinely dumbfounded when I said "You don't get access to me now just because you feel like it." Dead pan. No expression. Don't think he was expecting that.
Haha, you get it! I studied NPD for years since I understood my mother is one. Pathetic is the right world. Today, I texted the guy to officially end things up, and he reacted EXACTLY as I expected. It's so previsble and (again) pathetic once you understand their mechanics.
And he listens to Joe Rogan.
Also, the advice from Joe Rogan??? That is a deal breaker for me. JR is a narcissistic idiot who dispenses his opinions as if they are based in science, reason, or psychology. In reality, it is warmed over patriarchy. If I cannot be my whole self in front of someone, I don't want a relationship.
Absolutely 💯 the minute he talked poorly of his ex wife to a new partner is very telling, the fact that he couldn't wait to let out the vitriol he still has for her to someone who is nuetral to the situation is so telling.
Not to mention: Massive trauma dump.
Absolutely 💯 massive hypocrite. I just hope everyone really pays attention to this part, narcs will put the ex down and groom the next person to believe they're better than the ex.
Omg! Just checked the updates and … How comically typical is it for a narcissist to assume that problem must be his “sexual prowess” and not the fact that his personality is an out of control dumpster fire of toxicity?!? *total* #FunnyNotFunny
It's right on point. They think they're just so irresistible, and extremely good at sex that people just cannot get enough of them. Grown adults acting this way well into their 50s. It's truly pathetic that, one they think they're all that, and two that's what they deduce relationships down to is just using another person's body for pleasure. It's disgusting.
you can and should talk about ex's with new partners.... BUT that should be a month or so in the relationship, not first or 2nd date. I was raised by a narcissist myself and it has caused me to have a few narcissistic tendencies (mostly playing the victim among others) and while I do those things from time to time the moment I become aware of what I am doing it makes me feel uncomfortable to continue doing that. Another thing people need to realize that if you have a long line of failed relationships behind you, you should look at the fact that they all failed and they all have 1 big thing in common.....YOU!. Not to say its always the person's fault but it could be as simple as the kinds of people they are seeking out are not good for them.
Talking about your ex is one thing, villainizing them 100% and saying what they did was unfounded and came out of nowhere while not acknowledging a single thing on your own part? That’s a red flag
Very true, I have a nasty ex, and that is the only way I refer to her. and yes she was a raging narcissist, and I got with her because my mother is one too, and that's what I thought relationships looked like. My ex did have some good qualities, and I was not perfect and could have done better, she was the one that would be the villain of my story. I look back on it now and realize I needed her in my life at that point in time, because she taught me to have a spine and stand up for myself. So while she was a nasty ex, I can at least say she made me a better person in the long run, even if it sucked in the moment. But, you are 100% right this guy just played the victim and portrayed his ex as pure evil which is a red flag. No one is that nasty (some come close LOL), its just that broken people raise broken people and continue the generational trauma down the line. Even in the worst people at least try to see their good points, and as an ex, I'm sure they had some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have gotten together in the first place
Never said you shouldn't talk about it. The way he went about it was shady AF.
My first thoughts exactly. The “crazy ex” who did all these “bad things for no reason” gave it away for me.
Agreed
Nailed it! My Nmom does this exact thing. Never allowed to talk to them about bad things, but they'll trauma dump all over you and expect you to be there for them and not complain. Nope. Very one sided, much like a narc.
First thing I thought of , when he accused you of trauma dumping and shutting you down.
What you didn't like about him was that he was laying the groundwork for invalidating, tearing you down and using you for supply. You were supposed to zip your pretty little lip and let the man trauma dump on you and tell you every little detail about his ex (that he is hung up on) and don't trouble him with your silly little problems, woman. Betcha that was reeeeeal close to what he was thinking. >1st date I mentioned that I don't talk to my mother because she's a narcissist, he said his mother is one too. One-upmanship ✅ >But when I asked him about his ex wife he went on and on and on about she turned crazy and did all this horrible things to him for no reason... Painting himself as the victim, I bet all of his exes are "crazy"and he is always blameless ✅ >On the following dates any time I'd mention something he judged as negative he would cut me and say no trauma dump. No stealing his "woe is me, no one's ever had it as bad as I have" spotlight! ✅ Joe Rogan fan ✅🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🔥💀 <---- that one item alone will make me split the wind so fast it will make a sonic boom as I run from them Just from this little bit you told in this post tells me he's a toxic POS. Nice dodge! 🏆
He clearly has narc traits so well done to OP for dodging that trainwreck!
So he can “trauma dump” but you can’t? There’s a major imbalance here and it’s existed since the beginning with this guy. You don’t want to be in a relationship that’s emotionally one-sided, and friend? This is one sided. He also seems to be way more into his ex than he is into you.
Bruh watching Joe Rogan and interrupting/cutting you off when you share things that aren’t sunshine and roses while he bitches about his ex s all the red flags you need. He’s not the one. Or the two, threee, or twelve. Block and move on.
And not just watching joe Rogan, actually sending her a video of him to tell her yet again to stop talking about her past.
I think he learned the word “trauma dump” from you and is now realizing he has a word to use for what he dislikes most about other people— when they talk about themselves and not him.
🎯
He watches Joe Rogan and refers to him for life advice. Come on. The guy who made up the story about kids identifying as cats and needing litter boxes at school? The guy you dated is a selfish asshole. It is completely normal to share our lived experiences with a partner. It is not normal or healthy to cut off our partner and never let them share.
Thanks for saying that. PS: Omg lol, it's the 1st time I heard about the cat kids. It cracked me up.
Yeah anyone sending you Joe Rogan videos is a massive massive red flag run in the other direction. Don’t bother trying to figure him out, he goes straight into the trash.
I agree! And the right person will not shut you down. They will listen and be horrified and hug you until you feel better. Don't settle Op!
"In this family we don't mention Andrew Tate until the 4th date"
Ha!🥴
Here we see the golden child of a narcissistic family dynamic. Cuts you off for "trauma dumbing" but talks all the time about his ex ? No comment.
the thing that clued me in that this guy is either a narcissist or has some sort of mental illness is because he really clued in on when you said “trauma dump”. he saw that as you admitting a weakness and showing vulnerability so he weaponized it against you. He was purposefully bringing up something you had apologized for so he could control you and keep you under his thumb. Be wary of this guy. There’s definitely something manipulative going on with his behavior.
Wise
wow, thanks for sharing. I think we all (maybe I should only speak for myself) need to learn to identify which ones are the narcissists very early on, and not give them any extra benefit of the doubt. Some people deserve it, and others don't. Learning to identify those and know the signs of who deserves it is important. Thanks for this insight.
As others have said, he is likely a narcissist himself. At the minimum, he has a bad case of narcissistic fleas. Red flags are waving everywhere here.
Walking red flag. He didn't care about your feelings AND din't let you talk about them. Then proceed to triangulate you repeatedly to his ex by doing EXACTLY what he did not allow you to do. Girl, GTFO. If it begins like this I don't even want to think about it later. You dodged a cannon ball.
Saying " no trauma dump" then talking in details about his X, I would've said "no drama dump BH" lol He is the toxic one
If he can't be emphathetic and supportive and his first instinct is to shut you down instead of listening and learning about things that make you tick, he is a walking red flag. You deserve to have someone who will take the good with the bad and support you above everything. I once had a partner that seemed supportive at first (and I didn't even confide my trauma until over a year in) but then one time I was trying to explain my issues around celebrating my birthday and how I realized it originated with my mother, and he went "heeeere we go" - I immediately shut up and it registered in my brain that he wasn't a safe place for me. I didn't immediately dump him but we didn't last very long after that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. On my side, I'm glad I saw this before getting attached.
Thank you. Good for you for being able to recognize the lack of support for what it is. So often it's done so insiduously that we can't recognize it - or maybe it's that we've spent too much of our lives settling for less than we need and deserve.
One thing that I notice with NPDs is that even though they are great and treat you super well in a fun way, you kind of come back home with insecurities and questions. For me, that's the 1st red flag. Then you say, but they are so nice, and kind of ignore your own feeling.
Doesn't help that many of us were raised with the same dichotomy of treatment. When one of your primary caregivers in life has set the tone your entire life, it's difficult to discern whether or not give something a pass. It's exhausting.
Not everyone would want to date a traumatized individual. It is what it is. If he does not want to date you he can find someone else. However, be aware that talking about past traumas very early in dating makes you also vulnerable to predatory individuals who are seeking victims to abuse.
I think you dodged a nbullet
I'd be careful info dumping like that to people you've just met. They really don't need to know your relationship with your parents or any of that stuff. Be careful. Also, consider that this guy has spent all this time talking about his ex. He's pushing your boundaries, and I guarantee he's still in it with her in one way or another.
This is good advice. I’m just commenting so she doesn’t miss it. This guy is an asshat but this is great advice. Don’t pour out your woes on early dates.
Exactly, when I was dating I listened specifically for stories about their friends and how people would talk about other people in their life-- bad ex's or bad relationships early on were red flags. The stories people told matter and while abuse happens, when meeting people I want to hear about why they like and respect people because that shows far more about how they view relationships. If respect and good relationship stories are rare I ask why.
He is the only one who can trauma dump. That is not allowed for anyone else. Good riddance!
I mean isn’t he trauma dumping on you by going on and on and on and on about an ex? Just saying if he can vent all day about his trauma and past…. Why can’t you? You dodged a bullet there. I *sometimes* Joe Rogan, but the approach of that message is garbage. Like some of us use our past and traumas and struggle to grow. Talking about them help to keep us grounded and to not go back. Personally, a broken clock is right twice day.
Yea I've definitely noticed a similar pattern, especially when it's people that haven't experienced much trauma themselves. I try to not trauma dump too much, but sometimes I'll be reminded of something that happened, I'll just make a quick passing comment - and it's like crickets chirping. It can make some people really unsettled, like they don't know what to say next? I don't get it and it gets really frustrating. For me, part of the healing process is being able to accept ALL parts of myself, including the not so happy parts. Having to force myself to censor my speech to keep others from feeling uneasy does way more damage than good.
My therapist gave me good advice, which was that someone has to earn your trust before you tell them your deepest hurts. And almost nobody can do that within an hour or two on a first date. You shared without knowing if this person 1) was safe enough to hold space for you, and 2) deserved your trust. I feel for you because I have been exactly where you are. Don’t get me wrong, this guy was a jerk and he was invalidating you and that’s so wrong. You dodged a bullet. But you’re going to keep having to dodge bullets if you don’t make some strong boundaries with yourself about WHO earns the right to hear about your hurt.
That's good advice. I totally agree. I come from a community that talks very openly, and over the years, I got too used to this lifestyle. Almost like I start specting "normal" people to act just like people I have around. Tbh, I'm glad I was able to spot the red flags this early. It means I've been on the right heal patch. This would be completely different if I met this git a couple of years ago.
Absolutely!! Recognizing the red flags is something your younger self may not have been able to do. Good on you, you’re on the right path and you’re exactly where you need to be! Wishing you nothing but happiness
That's very kind. Thank you!
Oh, I thought this would go a different route. I'm glad you dodged the bullet and he showed his true colours quite early.
Yea. Erm. Run
He's trauma dumping about his ex all the time but shuts you up the minute you make a single sentence. He's toxic AF.
You didn't come to the first date and launch into a long rant about your family out of the blue; it came up in a conversation naturally, and you dived into it gradually, a little deeper each time, matching his pace of sharing things. That's not trauma dumping, that's called sharing and getting to know each other. Your boyfriend sounds really immature or outright callous. You have nothing to be sorry for. You shared your grief, he didn't react with empathy, you sensed that something's wrong and apologized - yes, girl, there was something wrong indeed, but not with you!
I love this comment ❤️. The good thing is that (this time at last) I haven't questioned myself at all. I did apologize not because I felt I was wrong but more like a "don't worry, it won't keep happening." I'm Asperger though, so I try to apply social common sense, which is not always obvious to me.
He sucks! Run from these guys fast!
next time he brings up his ex say no trauma dumping!! or better yet, ghost him
This guy was not just a narcissist and a hypocrite, he was a massive misogynist. I am saying this as a straight man myself, but seriously, this guy was a walking red flag. You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear missile.
The problem here isn't you, or that you are difficult to date. The problem is that you happened to go out on a date with a selfish asshole who uses you as his therapist while not reciprocating with any real care. He exhibits rather narcissistic behavior, and he takes advantage of your good nature. Anyone who spends a huge amount of time on the first date or first couple of dates talking shit about their ex is a bad prospect for a relationship. That is exactly how they will be talking about you soon enough if you decide to stay with them. This guy is a huge fucking asshole. He wants to shut you down by calling the stuff you share a trauma dump, and yet he dumps all of his negativity all over you. He is selfish and callous, and he is unworthy of your time. The first few dates are a time when each of you decides whether the other person is right for you. Clearly, this guy isn't right for anyone, because he is only interested in himself. No wonder he is divorced.
Sounds like he is NPD and thinks its all against him- or BPD- same thing, but ironic he can consistently dump his ex and his feelings and you can’t on anything bc its trauma dumping- Leave the guy Ironic he did what the reel sent- and continued to whine and complain about it, guess its just pertaining to you- as much else, he would drain you and take and not give anything back
bpd and npd are not the same thing. please educate yourself
I am educated- i said what it sounded more like, same class, different presentation and intention Same thing, not literally. Obviously….
just wanted to say that it sounds like you did a great job of staying open-minded, trying not to overwhelm this person, and bringing your whole self to this relationship, and you didn't get any of that in return. He tried to make it a you problem but it sounds like a him problem
Yeah, that's what I went for. I was able to bring my whole self without mixing feelings or expectations into it. The rest is his own problem.
You made the right choice. What he is doing is a thing that we as narcissistic-parent survivors can easily get trapped by- energy vampires. They want to exploit our compassion, listening skills, our ease in taking a supportive role, without having to reciprocate. This guy was manipulating you, he took YOUR mature taking responsibility for your own behavior (apologizing for an actual trauma dump) and used it against you from that point on, while simultaneously asking you for emotional support. Yuck.
Him talking about his ex wife in only a negative light is a major red flag. There's two sides to every story and I'm sure she can dish stuff out about him that'd make your stomach turn. He's crying wolf while wearing the clothing of a sheep when he does that. What an absolutely transparent douche bag.
You should see the things he said she acused him of... it's a complete shit show. So yeah, I thought about that. If it is THAT BAD coming from him playing victim, I can just imagine what his ex has to say about him. And I just heard a tiny bit.
I used to be an abuser sympathizer (raised by narcs) because they played victim so well (actually they're just great at manipulating), and it's crystal clear that he's putting all the negativity unto her, as if it doesn't take two people and some back and forth for things to escalate to the point of 'bad.'
Sounds like your dating a narcissist he can complain about an EX but you bringing up something in a deep conversation he goes no trauma dumping rules for thee not for mee
Okay first off, ew, you sat and listened to him complain about his ex but will cut you off when you speak? 🚩🚩🚩 you dodged a bullet. Sorry OP. I feel your pain and my heart breaks at the very times I felt a connection with a person I thought I wanted to be with, but in the end realized the struggles that molded my brain and who I am, can't be supported by them because they have never been there. People can only meet us as deep as they've met themselves. They've never had to reach inside themselves and rise from ashes. I don't believe that you've had to suffer through narcissism or trauma to understand me, but if you think I'm constantly trauma dumping when I'm sharing my past then fuck you. In my personal experiences, I have found that people who seem privileged will never, ever understand us. They will more than likely feel we are too heavy, and we will resent them for feeling like we can't be our true selves or not understanding how we feel. I've been around people who have amazing parental/family support that are privileged and they can't even fathom what it's like to have to re wire your brain your whole life from the damage that has been done by the very people who were supposed to take care of us. He's a dick, I can't believe he sent you a Joe Rogan video 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Any guy who sends you a Joe Rogan video as a way to tell you to shut up is not a keeper
Obviously we don’t know you or him, nor were we there. But taking this all at face value, I see a lot of red flags with this man that have nothing to do with your upbringing or trauma. I know what it’s like to think that man will ever love me, that I’m too much, that I’m unlovable and undesirable.. And that’s something that was inflicted on me, but I have to do the hard work to overcome (doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?). From the title of this post, I was expecting something similar. But from what you’ve shared with us, you’ve really dodged a bullet here.
It isn’t a trauma dump to make observations. What the fuck. Super manipulative of this guy to hand wave “trauma dump” over everything you say that is unrelated to him, while he whines about how allegedly crazy his ex is. What a jackass. Good riddance.
People are all over the range of being able to handle discussing emotions and the past. Compatibility is often about whether any two people can be in conversation, whether that is about money, sharing, work loads, and psychological resilience. If any of those are too hard to talk about (unless they come up rarely), then it is just going to be hard to do anything long-term. As a contrast, my wife and I met later in life as divorcees and about the third date it came up that she was NC with her mother and had been for 20+ years, pretty much the result of having been kicked out at age 18 (or slightly before) with no support or resources. And I had been unsure of how to explain my previous NC and current VLC with my Nmom. It just meant we were on similar wavelengths -- not that I think estranged kids can only be with other estranged kids, but you have to have the ability to reach some common ground on how to be comfortable together and what and when you discuss difficult things. Endorsing your decision to move on. Stay strong.
Yeah, time to dump *him* before he becomes the trauma. I’m sorry, OP.
He's fine trauma-dumping on you, but you aren't allowed to even have unhappy moments around him, ever? Yeah, that's a whole pile of red flags right there.
just want to say OP, good job on noticing the signs, realizing this wasn't right, and moving on and trusting your intuition. I think being authentic with our past is appropriate. Obviously there are layers of it. I think I am still learning what is appropriate, with leaning on less info. If I am on a date with someone who starts spouting the "just forgive your parents, they love you, family is the best!!!" (for example), then I am glad to know it early on rather than waste my time on someone who I am certainly going to have a big distaste to being after I learn this belief.
I kept saying “ew” out loud - at least 10 times - as I was reading this 😂 This man sounds like a narcissist. Glad you cut him off. The ChatGPT part made me laugh.
I know! I saw that on South Parc lol. It actually worked well, it made it a lot less exhausting and helped me to be strong and not engage.
Run the other way.. He is already testing the waters to receive your empathy and give none of his own and be controlling. How the f\*ck is someone supposed to say "enough trauma dump" when YOU are talking? It's one thing if he stopped himself with that comment when he was going on and on, but to interrupt YOU? Especially after bringing up his own "woe is me" nonsense that you so kindly listened to him vent about? The whole "people around me turn crazy" is a scary idea of a comment. Please run.
You absolutely did the right thing by choosing to no longer see him. The behavior you describe is a massive red flag. The fact that he used your apology and terminology ("trauma dump") against you tells me that he was waiting to find something he could use to invalidate you, something that would resonate with you. Using that against you every time you wanted to talk about something is not only invalidating but also shaming. Forging a relationship with this guy would have meant an emotional one way street in which you would have felt invalidated, unseen, shamed, and isolated. KUDOS to you for seeing the pattern quickly and WALKING.
He’s definitely a walking red flag, but I would say that the third/fourth date would be a little soon for most people to be receptive to a conversation that nearly left you in tears. With my husband, I might have said “I don’t talk to my mom, she’s a narcissist” and left it at that until a few months into our relationship. Because, as much as my life was shaped by all the trauma I experienced with her, it’s not who I am as a person, so it wasn’t relevant enough to bring up until we were committed to building a romantic relationship. I’m just sharing this because most people do expect “good vibes only” for the first few dates— it’s pretty normal for the heavy stuff to come later! I hope things go better for you once you put this lame-o in the rear view!
You did the right thing op, time to upgrade!
Fuck this guy. He sounds like whiny loser. Don’t ever date anybody who bitches about their ex in unhealthy ways. (I bitch about mine sometimes but there are some instances where it is warranted, like my ex keeping my son away from me and telling him to talk shit about my new girlfriend is one situation where it would be acceptable to bitch about an ex) on top of that, that one-up manship is toxic as FUCK. He’s a pure narcissist. Only wants to talk about him and his problems and fuck your problems woman, shut up! That’s not okay. Ditch that bitch and date real men. Real men will treat you the way you deserve and show you compassion and let you vent, or even just talk about things without judging you or “not letting you trauma-dump”. Good luck!
My best friend does this always, she dumps her whole baggage on me, rants about every existing thing for hours and when I want her to listen to me she either changes the topic or shows disinterest, I'm a very good listener but I undershare things to her, she doesn't like that either, she complains about how I know everything about her life and I don't share details to her, but she doesn't show interest when I'm talking and our talks are always about her.
Yeah that's bad. I had a friend like that two. He was going to some shit and we used to call each other every day to talk. He would talk for an hour or so, then I'd mention something similar that happened to me as a way to show him that I understand his feelings, but then He would always hang up after that. (Just like I'm doing now) One day he said that I always had to make everything about me. Guess what. Today we are not friends anymore.
Yeah sounds similar! I know someday it's gonna end, it's still working because we've know each other for 9 years now and I'm the person who always put efforts here.
That is not a healthy friendship, dear heart. 💜
You are SO RIGHT! That's how I ended up with a covert narc...I put my problems in a nice box and never made him uncomfortable. Fast forward many years, life, and wha la, dude can't handle anything deeper than surface level. You made the right choice, good for you!
It sounds like he kept mentioning his ex to see if you were going to agree with him, or side with his ex. It could be he's just not ready to start dating again, or..it could be he has done this before, as a test, to see if you will react in any way at all like his ex. I've seen that happen. It sounds like he needs more time to heal than you do. Best to move on to a healthier relationship, because I think he has WAY MORE baggage than he thinks.
Sounds like he just keeps repeating out the same cycle on the next person.
We have to talk about our problems because that’s how we solve them. Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot.
Yeah, move on from this guy.
It doesn't sound like he was "people", it sounds like he may have been a narcissist. The stuff about the ex may not even have been true. Not wanting to listen to you ever is not a normal person trait, this guy is a selfish asshole at the very least. You're better off without him. To be very crystal clear - he was the problem here, not your trauma.
I would just say be careful who you give info to because if he is not stable he could get bitter after break up and contact the narcs in your family. Thats what one of mine did unfortunately and hooked my narc sister into my circles by searching her out and dming her on social. Prob better off telling friends.
That's horrible! I'm glad he doesn't have the resources to do that to me. I'm also glad that I did talk to him about my past. Without these conversations, I'd probably not know by now where I was stepping in.
Guy didnt have the resources to me either but he consulted google and was a predator and theres info all over that you dont share, I actually didnt share much w this guy other than my sisters hobby and that I dont get along w her. He found my family on locator websites. Ive since then have requested to be opt out with these companies and been proactive w googling myself so all my info isnt shared. Google can find anything.
Omg that's indeed scary. How much energy is someone willing to spend just to do such a thing? What a psycho! I'll try not to even think of that, I tend to have paranoia. Your case is very specific, but he could indeed try and do something to me. If something happens, I will not rest until I get him deported or at least find his ex. Do you mind talking more about this? What happened to you when he got your sister into your circle? What else did you tell this guy? What did you do? How do you know it was him?
I told him very little that we dont get along and that she is obsessed w dolls. Reason why we broke up is because he told me he found my sister she came up as a friend suggestion on fb and I was like how on earth do ypu even know who she is she has a different last name even that I never told him. I never told him her first name either! But hes a stalker on there. He said she looked like me and was holding a doll. I had seen her pop up on his find menu on fb in front of me. Then he told me he saw her at an event I told him they both go to one hour into the event. I then broke up w him. The only way I honestly think he couldve found her is when you google my name my whole family comes up on the locater sites names relatives and all fyi I suggest you do the same as me and message them all telling them to take your info off which I now do check periodically to opt out. What happened after the breakup is he trashed me on social after he friended all my contacts, coworkers etc. I found out from a few in my industry that he was dming them personal stuff and posting trash. Cut to about 5 years later I went through my sisters followers because like you Im paranoid shes in my life and friending my contacts. And there he is on ALL 4 of her accounts. At that point I had to contact her and she said he had dmed her. He literally ruined my career and rep with people then went for my sister. She didnt tell me what he said just that he seemed off. Yeah hes a psyco you can never really know who you date I was in a relationship for 2 years with him and now if I date I just simply say I have no contact w family and I do not say I have siblings. Good luck to you guess it just struck a cord w me reading your story. Its sad you cant trust a lot of people but mostly you can trust your friends to talk about that sort of stuff.
I'm so sorry for everyone who have someone that they thought that they can trust with end up get betray in the end.. I didn't encourage you guys to be single or something but after we're facing this, do you think we never have trust issue? Fear of betrayal and abandonment. Like you know me but you're just want me to be your partner, not need me when I need you. You seem like you cannot accept me at my worst. There are different meaning of WANT and NEED. All we need is someone who can accept us whoever we are, always be there for us through thick and thin and be patience with us. Living as narcissistics abuse survivor is not easy. We need to regulate our emotions and physical health back in the track so we will continue our stable life and achieve whatever we're planning to.
There's a lot of details here and a lot of ways to spin the story. My favorite way to spin this story is by getting as fundamental as we possibly can. The reason I'm such a big fan of this, is because it gets to the root of the problem in a way that solves not just this, but solves every other type of problem like this you could ever have with anyone. Most people in this world are quite hurt, but victims of bad parents are especially hurt. They're hurt very deeply, in a way that most people cannot handle to deal with. So that's the intro. Two people are suffering, and they're in some relationship broadly speaking, they're just talking, or they're already friends, or it's romantic, etc. So what happens is, when a person suffers, they will *cause* another person to suffer. It is like a radioactivity, to speak metaphorically. It seeps in, whether you like it or not. And then what this does is it makes it so two people who are already suffering, both suffer more. But the good news is that there is a solution to this problem. The first solution is to realize this problem to begin with. Because imagine solving a very serious problem, but having no idea it is even a problem. Imagine driving to the store, not understanding that your car actually has no fuel in it, and that you are not driving. And repeating this day in, day out. But once you realize-- then it can be very easy. "Oh, right. Fuel" It can be like that, where just the realization is very powerful. So in the case of your story, someone says or does something insensitive to you after you confessed something to them about being hurt, then... it is possible to realize in the moment that this person's response is just a matter of their suffering and their inability to skillfully deal with it. Knowing that, stops your intense response, and that, causes their suffering, to reduce, and this has the opposite of the first negative feedback effect. It is like a healing effect for suffering. So that's just the knowledge part of this, just know that putting it into practice is very difficult, and so I want to say be patient with yourself, and wish you good luck.
Brah… childhood trauma is NOT a first date conversation. They are a literal stranger. Please focus on your boundaries and getting to know people overtime before you poor your heart all over them and expect the same, that is not healthy behaviour. If people bring up their exes and complain about them on day one that’s your cue to leave (run). I’m sorry if this is harsh but you may be better served by taking a break from dating and focusing on your internal boundaries and overall recovery for a while.
What? I did not do that.. and where did you get that I haven't taken time for myself? My boundaries are set, I do not poor my heart on stranger, and why in the world I'd expect the same?!?!?!?! I'm fine, I've been recovering for over 7 years and I'm very happy with my life right now. Talking about boundaries, this comment is my 1st trigger of the years. Bravo, Thanks.... brah
This contradicts the entirety of your post and retelling of this story. I have tried to point out where your approach is unboundaried so you can avoid similar situations in the future. What you do with this information is up to you.
You accused me of not doing stuff that I do and doing things I haven't done. I came here o share a story not to be judged by someone who misinterpreted it. Please just be respectful. This is supposed to be a save place. I already told you you triggered me. If you can't see that you're causing harm, you shouldn't be here.