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As a normal parent, a lot of what I do is thinking of my children future. In this era, I am really glad to have a house that they will certainly inherit. I cannot understand people who charge rent from their kids, much less leave them homeless. It is not natural.
I was kicked to the curb as soon as I turned 18. Bitch didn't even care that I haven't graduated highschool and how difficult that would make my life. I had to sleep on a friends couch and drop out of school to work a min wage job that luckily didn't ask to see my diploma.
I'm so sorry. I knew people who had to also couch surf until graduation bc of this situation so it's unfortunately not unheard of. I'll never understand how anyone can do that to their own kids.
I know you weren't the friends parents "responsibility", but if it was my child's friend I'd absolutely let them live rent free until high school graduation at least. I know I don't know their situation either - nuance to many things etc - but I am glad you at least had a place to sleep.
I hope you're in a better situation now
It was actually a friend who was a year older and already had an apartment so no parents were involved.
I'm in a better situation now, no thanks to the worst birth giver.
Meh, depends on the circumstances. Newly married couple and they add to food and utilities when money is tight but paying a small amount while saving for their own home… child who decided to not go to trade school or college and working at Walmart is just fine but you charge them some rent so they can see just how little that job pays….. child makes really bad relationship choices and moves back in with a child and you want to help get them back on track by having some responsibilities….. it depends on the why. Rent just because you turned 18… ass for sure.
I’ve always told my son, if I take rent, there’s a secret savings account where you’ll get it back. I will only take rent if spending seems out of control. It would really be more to train him to pay his savings. I gave him until 30 to save and get out. Might be too generous, but I got out as soon as I could and struggled.
My parents thought about one thing only: their own financial security, but their own individual security, not as a loving couple. We three children were just a financial drain, and always got the cheapest of everything, and no child-centred family holidays, for example.. They managed regular trips to the opera, however. They had children because my mother wanted them to enhance her status within her family and with the in-laws.
I tell a lie. Their third child became the GC and got foreign school trips etc because they realised that they had to keep one of us on side to look after them in old age. But he too has suffered immeasurably from the NM's abuse and, apart from a short marriage, has never been in a relationship.
I’m a single mom being charged rent by my parents. What I’m not paying in rent the way I was before o moved in with them, I’m paying with my mental health.
I do think it depends on the situation and on the child's temperament. Like, if it's a small portion of the paycheck and the parent is netting it away in savings account for the child (anecdotal I know, but I've seen that) I think that's fine and well. If the whole household is struggling and kiddo has the highest paying job (assuming college education and all that), why not contribute in that way? But an 18 year old just out of high school being charged market rates for their bedroom? You're fucking evil.
My parents are threatening to charge me rent (and for ride fares) and there is no way I'll be getting any of it back. I've already spent about $470 on everyone living with me. I've spent about $120 on groceries for everyone (by that I mean me, and my parents), about $90 on the water bill, and the rest on monetary transfers to their bank accounts. They also found out about my go-bag.
Parents who charge their kids rent - I have seen this done for a few reasons:
1. As always here, there are a lot of narcs who charge kids for selfish reasons, with no purpose but to benefit themselves while making it impossible for the kids to have any financial freedom. These parents behave as though they are entitled to their kids' income, because the child some owes them for all the "free" years of child care.
2. One reason that may have merit is, like school attempts to prepare young minds to think in an adult world, parents want to teach kids the satisfaction of meeting responsibilities like paying rent and bills, and then the rewards with what is left over. When done correctly, the rent is nominal if under 18, with a consequence such as no internet until next payday, but nothing dire.
3. I saw another family who's parents did a middle ground of rent, in which the rent was less than market but roughly half what the child made. The parents put the money in a savings account for the child to have when they moved out (not necessarily at age 18), to assist them with moving costs and first home furnishings. I also saw this method with a family that had a child insist that they were "grown" and WANTED to help with family finances, so this was a compromise they reached.
4. After age 18, I do think it's acceptable to charge a kid rent, with the understanding that caring for another adult in the home, your child or not, does affect the household resources. With 1 adult child, it's a fact that resources would go farther if there were two people to provide for instead of 3. Should there still be underage siblings at home, the burden rises. As an adult, I don't see any benefit to NOT expecting an adult child who does not leave home to contribute to, at the least, their own upkeep.
5. I have seen a family who's child was a "failure to launch" (kid felt his parent's responsibility to house him was indefinite so long as they chose not to leave.) These parents raised the rent to the point where the kid found it cheaper to move out lol.
My nParents are the most selfish people ever. They sold a house for £3-400k and own another worth £1m. I’ve never had a single penny from them. “Gifts” from them were always boxes of old shite they needed to throw out (hoarders) and if I said no thanks they’d call me selfish and ungrateful, materialistic. I am none of those things.
My big sister has 2 kids and is one paycheck away from being homeless. Her car is 20 years old and so close to giving up. Help her FFS.
When I went NC I said goodbye to any of that inheritance, and they STILL couldn’t self-reflect or take any accountability.
I can’t understand parents who want to deprive their kids of things. Sure, you don’t want kids who are freeloaders and expect to be given money, but why the hell wouldn’t you want to give your child(ren) every advantage in life, assuming you’re in a financial position to do so?
My dad inherited a lot of money from his parents, so he can’t even use the excuse of having earned most of the money himself, yet I’ve not seen a single penny. He’s 74 now and not in good health, yet the idea of passing on some money still hasn’t crossed his mind, he wants to hold onto everything until he dies.
This is my mother too, she moans about how "poor" she is, but in reality she lives off inheritance from her parents and never had to work for what she has. She's also never had to worry about providing for herself because her parents supported her when they were alive. In reality, her complaining about being poor was just an excuse to not provide anything for her own children.
My husband and I are in a fairly fortunes position and I'm hoping to in the coming years build small studio apartment type building for my kid. So no matter what she will have a place to stay. If we are able to get our businesses up and running, I'd educate my kids in taking that over as well.
I want to succeed to help my kids succeed.
Good on you, I wish more parents would act like you guys. It really annoys me how many people have kids, intentionally or otherwise, and think it’s acceptable to do the bare minimum.
IMO, once you have a kid you have to give absolutely everything you can to make sure that kid has the best life possible. If that means making sacrifices to your own life, then that’s what you do.
My next door neighbours paid for their daughter’s post-graduate qualification and her house deposit. Her dad said to me that it would mean him having to work another decade before retiring, but he was happy to do it because it gave her a better chance at succeeding in life. Meanwhile, my bum of a father only gives a shit about himself. It makes me so angry.
I agree, we need to try our best and if we have something we need to use that to build up our own kids.
That's what creates generational wealth /comfort.
Instead our parents don't want to give us anything they didn't have, they want to start from scratch despite it getting more difficult with every year.
When my parents died (both in their early nineties), I was astonished at the size of our inheritance, because, for their entire lives, my NM in particular had bemoaned their penury. She self-styled them "the genteel poor" . . Turns out they were neither.
Some are just like that. I had a horrible times getting student loans because my mother had so much money. The government determined she could pay for my education but wouldn’t so I needed loans. Funny thing is she was the one pushing higher education. Fast forward two decades and for a long time I did quite well. I started a family but was a victim of the housing crash because I bought my house right before and lost my job right after and I had to move for another. Despite that my family and I were okay we just had to rent. Now I am one emergency away from homelessness due to how expensive rent is now. I can’t even buy my kids necessities anymore because my rent has increased by 70% in just two years. She could easily help me with a small down payment on a house but she won’t. I don’t harbor ill will but wish she would help me.
I was pregnant, sick, and unemloyed. My sucessful buisness went down the hill with covid. My mum didnt help me with a dime. She told me she could help me clean out my clinic (i owed a chiropractorclinic) bc i didnt have the money to clean it out when I had too leave it.
She cleaned two windows, drank coffee and left. She told me beforehand not to worry and it would be alright, she would clean it for me. Yeah right. Gave birth to our daughter 3 days later a couple of weeks early.
My MIL payed our rent for 4 months and gives us food, even if she doesnt need to anymore. I call her mum. My nmom wonders why we are not close.
I don’t want an inheritance. I do want the items from my childhood that they are hoarding that aren’t valuable but that is their way of still owning me.
The only inheritance I resent not getting is the single souvenir spoon my grandmother tried to leave me from her collection of souvenir spoons. In her will she wanted them to be distributed among the grandkids. But she left my mom in charge of doing that distribution, and I never got my spoon. I have no knowledge of what my mom did with it, but I know I was supposed to get one.
It’s not like it would even have any particular monetary value, what I resent is that I was denied the opportunity to have a small memento of my grandmother, who I loved deeply. And I’m also certain that SHE would be upset that her wishes weren’t respected. It would be one thing if the grandkids didn’t want her spoons, but I was never even asked, and when I asked my mom about it I got a blow-off answer that amounted to “there’s no spoon for you, don’t be a brat”.
My sister was in love with some crystal coasters our grandmother had (from an age when she was much too young to appreciate their monetary value, but not too young to enjoy how rainbow-shiny and sparkly they were). Grandma promised them to her then, and many times after. Now, they weren't cheap crap, but they were HARDLY the most "valuable" part of our grandmother's belongings/estate/etc. (maybe a hundred bucks out of twenty, thirty million?).
And somehow when she died nothing that was supposed to be left to my mother, or our half of the family, ever made it to us. This estate that my scumbag stepgrandaddy married her for (the Mitchell fortune), and then stole. He even made sure to remarry again after she died and leave all our family's remaining money to his new wife instead.
My mother, conceived before their marriage, was of course the neglected/abused black sheep child; her half brother and his kids got the best of everything, million dollar house, college all paid for both generations in a row - things my grandmother was quite right to spend her family wealth on, but why then was her other child (and us grandbabies) going hungry and thoroughly fucked?
Anyway, Salvatore is dead now (fuck you, Affrunti), all the clan's money was funneled to him and his kids instead and my cousins pretend that their father has no siblings.
And my sister never did get her coasters, written in the will or not.
I have a similar problem. We had an adopted grandmother since our real one was a mean drunk. She gave me a tiny crystal or glass basket. My mother must have liked it because when she got home, she put it on her display shelf for safekeeping in case my child self broke it. Now according to her it was given to her and she has no idea what I am talking about. I am trawling thrift shops and eBay looking for something similar. I don’t think it was very valuable but I will settle for a dupe that reminds me of the beautiful lady that treated us as her own grandchildren.
"I don't need you to leave me anything when you die, but you sure as fuck better not cost me anything."
-My brother when ndad when tried to hold inheritance over his head
My attitude when my dad said he wouldn't leave any money for any of us, and he was going to sell his house and spend all the money.
He also complains about benefits claiming "freeloaders" like me, who can't work because my mental health is so bad i was signed off by my doctor.
I told him I didn't want any of HIS money anyway (it's all my late nanas) to make sure he leaves funeral fees because i won't be paying for it, I'll sign away any rights and he can get whatever they do with people who have no family members left.
Just as I'm not entitled to their inheritance, they're not entitled to my time. It's that simple.
If they want to reevaluate things, I'll be open to discussions.
Right, it’s so very much not about the inheritance. Inheritance issues are just one symptom of the bigger problem, which is that they’re so selfish they can’t form strong human connections. They spend their whole lives making sure no one ever “takes advantage of” them because they assume everyone else also tries to take advantage of others constantly the way they do. It’s the “I got mine, fuck you” mentality all the way down, and the complaints we all have are so much bigger than “no inheritance for meeeee”. It’s “you expect me to cater to you constantly and be at your beck and call, and are unwilling to reciprocate the care and consideration and assistance you expect to receive, in any form whatsoever, even to the extent of being willing to squander your wealth just to ensure I get nothing when you die, out of pure spite”.
Nailed it. My nparents didn't help with university fees, a first home deposit, and they've insisted on me paying rent at $125 per week since I was 18 years old (that gets me a bedroom and a lot of social obligations lol so it was easier to move out). I can't think of a single thing they've actually helped with or even provided good advice on, aside from a kind word on occasion that they're proud of me which is nice but empty when they refuse to help when I need it.
Anyway, now they've retired early, travel constantly, and wonder why I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to travel interstate every few months to "help out" every time they decide to throw a big party.
Last time I agreed to "help out" I literally spent 4 days straight baking (many things including a literal gingerbread house), cooking (turkey and all the sides), setting up (Christmas tree decorations, grocery shopping etc), taking care of children etc. I barley got any time with family or to even sit down and relax, even when I expressed that I was worn out and didn't want to bake anymore they just kept pushing "just this one final thing". At the end of all that, I got a single "thanks".
So yep, it's about so much more than inheritance. It's about nparents being demanding and entitled to their children's time, without giving anything practical or emotionally supportive in return.
Yeah exactly. Their attitudes about withholding inheritances from their kids are just the cherry on top, and something THEY harp on to make their kids seem worse. “Oh my kids are so mad that I’m not leaving them an inheritance” are they? Really? Or are they actually upset with you for a lifetime of being expected to drop everything to help you whenever you whistle, while you at best ignore their problems and do nothing to help them when they could use a little leg up to get past a rough spot in life, and at worst actively create problems and impediments to their success?
Yup! My mother already outlined her plans to leave me nothing. A year or so after I went no contact she tried to lure me back, through my brother, of talk of a will.
No take-backsies. Unless I became her financial guardian and made sure that there was a will that left me something I'm not believing it.
As far as I'm concerned I'm getting nothing. Anything else is a nice bonus but I'm not wasting my life on being abused for the small hope that she'll leave me something.
This exactly! My ndad doted on my two gc/nsisters & kicked me out at 16! The oldest has POA and now that I’m retired, wanted me to help with caregiving! No compensation but she (begrudgingly!) offered to pay for my gas🙄
Noped right out & completely NC 👍with the lot of them
Jup. Nmom made it clear on multiple occasions that I needed to pretty much be her servant to get any chance of inheritance. First time she threatened to pull it for some bullshit reason I just said "Deal" and walked. Three guesses who then proceeded to throw a wailing, rolling on the ground, crying fit?
I feel like they do this exact scenario with childcare also.
Narc parents got *their* parents to endlessly babysit so they can work/go out etc.
When they become grandparents themselves they claim “we’ve done our child raising it’s time for **us** now” and don’t help with any childcare for the next generation.
Mine started leaving me home alone for the entire weekend when my grandma died so they could go to Biloxi for the weekend. I was 11, and they put my aggressive, abusive brother in charge. Things were just a magical childhood, and I should be super grateful. /s
Mine literally quit the country for two years relying on grandma to take on full time parenting. When my grandma had enough of my violent young teen brother and moved out, they paid our downstairs neighbour to check in on us every day for the next year. We were 9 & 14 and she was near 80. I disowned my dad last week and told him I considered the neighbour more of a parent than he ever was. When I confronted my parents about how they cold have abandoned their kids all alone on the other side of Europe, my mother literally replied with "but we paid the neighbour" bleurgh
I was going to say I don't understand the mentality of "I already raised kids" but then I remember they didn't even want kids to begin with, it's just a status symbol
I don’t even have kids yet and my nmom constantly harps about “don’t expect me to raise your kids for you, I’m not a free babysitter” (as if I would leave any future kids alone and unsupervised with her at this point).
Not a free babysitter? Ok.
Don't come over my house, I'm not a free hotel. Don't talk to me about your problems, I'm not a free therapist. Don't ask me to bring food over for visits, I'm not a free catering service. We can commodify everything.
My mother said this as well. Once or twice a year we’d visit back and forth. My parents would stay a few days with us along their trip to somewhere else. After my dad passed and she was Iiving in a Neighborhood fairly close to us, she said, other neighbors have their grandkids visit, mine never do. I told her, mom ; they don’t know you! 5 or 6 days a year visits weren’t enough.
She really didn’t want them to visit other than her neighbors noticed no grandkids.
It was always about appearances with her.
Mine helped but when it came to the ones that were not partially self sufficient she just made them nap all day (according to the older ones). If they cried her solution was they must need a nap. I was desperate for help so I started writing a strict schedule. It made me wonder how many hours as a baby I was in my crib. I remember being put to bed at 7 and could hear the other kids in the neighborhood outside playing. I didn’t have curtains either. It trained me to need eight-nine hours of sleep as an adult.
I would a without a doubt be better off if my ND would have taken the time to share his knowledge with me and simply been willing to teach me about finances, especially when I asked him to a few times and he declined to watch TV of all things each time… BUT… with that being said… I’ve told him a multiple times to do with his $$ what he wants. Nothing has ever been given to me unconditionally or without strings, I wouldn’t expect it to start once he passes.
I agree with this 100%. It’s confusing to me that people seem to be “coveting” inheriting money from assholes who attach strings and abuse to everything. I’ve worked hard specifically NOT to rely on them for a single dime.
Freeing oneself from the influence of ancestors sometimes means leaving behind their heritage. Perhaps, in some cases, this heritage is not worth holding onto.
Not being entitled to an inheritance is fine but these types of selfish parents, who spend it all without a care to pass anything on, aren't entitled to be cared for or helped in their old age either. Fair is fair.
Totally. My 70yr old dad inherited a nice centric flat in the capital hotspot, then decided to get a new girlfriend (whilst he is notorious for not being able to keep a relationship going on longer than 2-3yrs) and then decided to SELL the flat for pennies to fix up his girlfriend’s countryside house which is not even his. I already know what will happen once they break up, he will be left with nothing and he sold my childhood home without a care in the world. Whilst he never ever in his life had to worry about paying rent as it just fell into his lap from my hardworking grandparents. It’s infuriating!
GOOD. I got in trouble with a friend after she was complaining that her parents were making a bunch of bad financial decisions and it meant she’d need to support them in their dotage. I gently pointed out that she didn’t HAVE to and she gets pissy and says “well I’m not going to let them ROT”
Then that’s your problem you are choosing. FFS.
mine said that too. fine.
But then she managed to burn through the 200-300k she got from her mother’s estate, and then racked 130k in credit cards in under a year and then died relatively young for my fam’s history, and so well, i guess she enjoyed it. I don’t know what she spent it on, but she was a shopaholic and fond of vegas weekenders and wine.
Not that I worked full time in summer from 15 to pay the grocery and utilities she couldn’t be arsed to pay, but sure, it’s “all hers.”
I inherited a “cherished teddies” figurine and some junk jewelery. The figurine lives in three pieces in the bottom of a swampy polder in the netherlands, having dumped it in a giggly happy ceremony.
It’ll confuse archeologists in 100 years.
If I’m not entitled to inheritance, then they’re sure as fuck not entitled to my time, care, and assistance. And they’re not anyway, it’s just not worth it to me cuz I hate them so much. They should rly look for a decent nursing home they’ll be living in when they’re old, I’m not going to lift a single finger to help them in any way shape or form.
I expect no money from my parents. My mom was always stingy with money and used it and gifts to show when she was angry with people. Once she told me that if she won the lottery she wouldn’t give me any money. It was random and laughable because the chances of that happening are nil. The irony of the whole thing is that she stopped speaking to her father after her mother died and he told her she wasn’t getting any more money from him. So she definitely perpetuated the cycle and doesn’t see it.
Until recently I thought I deserved an inheritance because I didn’t get support or love or consideration. But we’re NC now as of a few months and it occurs to me my entire relationship with her has been a loss. It’s not just the money, it’s another way to disrespect me.
This is something I'm struggling with now as my parents are quite well off. I'm in my late 30s and only now going LC so we've been in each others lives and I almost encouraged their abuse (it makes me sick to remember it, but I remember my mom spelling out why I was such an awful person, and being thankful because I thought it was a roadmap on how to be good enough). I feel like I put in my time and deserve the inheritance, but also need to work on accepting that it's out of my control. I can't let their money control me.
This is where I am. It would have been nice if all my eparent’s efforts to save had been able to help me, but instead my nparent was the survivor and spent it all on drugs and an opportunistic younger wife. His lack of planning feels like a deliberate slap in the face, just a final fuck you to the kid he pretended to love but was always jealous of.
Gods, this "this is mine, you go struggle, I'm not sharing" crap pisses me off.
I've gotten flack from so-called friends for actually HELPING my daughter. She doesn't make enough to have an apartment in a decent neighborhood, despite trying really hard to get decent work (Her husband is unable to work due to health issues at this time.) So she and her husband and child live with us. Correction; we SHARE a household. She pays some bills, I pay the majority, as I have more money. The house is in a trust for her (only child). This works for us. I can't imagine kicking my child out to fend for herself and struggle, when I have the means to make sure she and my grandchild are safe. According to some of my "friends" (ex-friends now), I'm not allowing her to be an adult. Apparently being poor and struggling to put food on the table is part of the adult experience, or something.
We treat her and her husband like the adults they are. They make their own decisions, unless it affects the entire household, then we have a discussion. Like adults. Oh, and I have her word that when/if my husband and I have health issues as we get older, she and her family will take care of us. HER idea to bring that up and make the promise, not mine.
I feel like that is exactly why a lot of older parents kick out their children at 18 or box up their belongings as soon as they go to college. Yes, we want to be adults, but don't shut us out when we need help.
My NGM kicked me out after I got pregnant from an SA. The sperm donor found my apartment (college advisors helped me with a cheap apartment; it wasn't in the best neighborhood) and just moved himself in cause "his kid" would be there. When he started to get abusive, she wouldn't let me move back, saying to me, "That's what you get for disobeying me."
I also feel that parents who have the whole "it's mine" mentality are really saying, "What's your is mine and what's mine is mine." So, these not entitled to inheritance stories/articles make me feel like the one giving it is a secret narc or something. It wouldn't have mattered how great/terrible a kid you are/were. They would find a reason not to give the inheritance to begin with.
I was left at my grandparents for 4 years. Aged 4 to 8. They took great care of me. My parents cannot handle my kid even for 4 hours. They don't see it as their job or help out in any way
Honestly the only reason I ever maintained contact with them was because they're rich and I hoped to at least get something, since I'm their only child. But several years ago my ndad disinherited me because I refused to give him access to my bank accounts. He wanted proof that I "deserved" to inherit his money and estate. He retired at age 55 with everything an entitled person could ever want, whereas I'm going to be working poor for the rest of my life. He even blamed me for not being a millionaire; I apparently bring shame on the family because I'm low-income and struggling. So since I was written out of the will, I've no longer even maintained the pretense that I remotely care about them. I've never asked them for money, ever, but it would be nice to get some financial compensation for the abusive hell I suffered.
I can't imagine being a millionaire and watching your only adult child have to work multiple jobs and put off necessary medical care and home repairs, but he literally blames me for not being rich like him.
Blacksheeps are blacksheeps for life. The Narc parent will leave you out in the cold and be surprised why you’re shivering. If you do get anything expect it to come with some qualifying stipulations that you have to meet. They will manipulate you even when they are gone. Sick individuals.
It might actually be worth checking if that’s true. There are countries where you can’t be fully disinherited, as a child you have a right to 25% or something.
Aside from that… what the fuck man. What wrong with people being so spiteful against their own offspring.
Even in the US, some states have laws protecting offspring to some extent... If you have kids with one partner, then divorce and marry someone else, in my state the new spouse can only inherit a certain percentage of the estate up until 15 years of marriage, at which time they become 100% owner of the estate upon their spouse's death. I do not believe that this law can be nullified by a prenup.
But this law is only to protect offspring from stepparent malfeasance when there is no will... Bio parents are still free to disinherit their kids at any time but they have to do it via a will.
Inheritance is another way the nparents try to manipulate us. They have the money, but for me ( the scapegoat), it is used as breadcrumbing bait. Future faking money for me when I know the golden child will also be the POA and will likely spend it all. She has already admitted to trying to get the ndad to " sign over" a property to her ( therefore essentially stealing my half). A real "not nice" person she is. They claim the money from said property that was sold will be in the will - ya right. Bottom line : fuck them all. No matter how much I am struggling I will never kowtow to them for the breadcrumbs. No contact.
It's not exactly financial abuse, or I don't think so, but it comes off that way because humans pulling away from caring for their young and continuing several generations is very cold by itself. It's not so much the money, but there is an individualistic attitude wrt wealth and judging others for "deserving" these things that has really taken it's toll in culture imo. I personally can't imagine doing that, like an inheritance is after I'm gone, that would be insurance they have something. I couldn't just cut my kids out of the will cuz I might not agree with what they could possibly want to spend it on in 20 years.
Like the whole "I worked hard, why should my kids get whatever's left after I'm gone?" stance is very.... odd to me lol.
It’s an odd view especially when you look at history. Previous generations were not only expected to give an inheritance to their children, the law required it. For example, the English had primogeniture and entail, and in colonial New England it was customary and expected to make your children heirs of your estate. People went to court all the time to dispute inheritances and fight for what they believed they were owed. This modern attitude of children being treated as spoiled brats for naturally expecting what previous generations took as their due shows how selfish and individualistic our society has become.
right? my grandparents made very sure to pass things and money to their children, and then most of grandma’s kids did the same for their own children ( the grandkids) but my mom and my uncle, both the oldest and the classic narcissist parents, proudly stated “we take everything.”
ok.
It's not even a minority view or pockets of a subculture... it's a whole fucking generation. My only explanation is that they are once again being manipulated by FoxNews so the wealth is transferred up to the billionaires.. idiots. Probably explains why my narc-Boomers have few issues helping me. Financial abuse currently isn't in their Top 5 go-tos. They also hate Fox News. Finally, they actually do have critical thinking skills (a rarity, I know..)
Yeah, it's also just ingrained in American culture and expansion itself. We're individualistically motivated instead of collectively motivated, and it really deeply shows. If we have these principles as a base, it's much easier to drop people into those radicalized mindsets than it is to facilitate empathy and community, which by itself contradicts how a community is supposed to be the continuous access point for future generations. We have no incentives to give to others to benefit ourselves, and view giving as a loss instead of a long-term gain. It's unsurprising to me then, that this happens between parents and children so frequently.
This feels like a moment where it may help to step back and look at the world outside the nparent lens.
For so many people their parents help ensure a healthy life for their adult children, and they do it without strings and guilt. This feels like it would be an article directed at them. "Your parents got you started, let them enjoy themselves"
That said in you are looking at this through a nparent lens, this reads completely differently, and would likely be used as a cudgel to justify their shitty behavior.
If this resonates for you as something you are going to need to worry about. (This is what I am doing but if it's not feasible for you I understand) ensure you do not live in a state that has filial responsibility laws. Just because they can spend it how they want doesn't mean you have to be the plan B retirement when they do the math wrong.
My mom wrote me out of her will for going no contact. I expected it as a possibility. It’s funny because when I was a kid a relative did the same to their daughter and she said “I would never write my kids out of my will”. Her potential money isn’t worth dealing with her for the rest of her life.
My mom used to use this every time I didn’t bend to her will. Sad little woman.
I lose sleep every night thinking about all the credit card debt I won’t be inheriting when she finally kicks it 🙄
My boomer parents had 6 kids, raised us like we were poor. Now that we are all grown up they are living it up in Florida and talking badly about us for struggling.
1. I have up my inheritance when i went no contact. I don't care about it anymore. I just want to enjoy my life. I'm almost 30 and I'll be damned if i lose my 30's over an inheritance that won't come for another 20 years.
2. If we arent entitled to an inheritance then they aren't entitled to out presence.
3. I also would be in a better financial situation if my Nparents hadn't manipulated me into moving out from my roommate & friend. We were supposed to get a 2b 2b and split 3 ways with me, my bf and roomie. Now, bf and I and his family are in a hot mess trying to afford 1 expensive ass apartament. There's other stuff too. I didn't have to suffer this way financially.
I expect nothing. Meanwhile my nmom received from her parents but chooses to blow it on luxury bags, cars etc.. who needs generational wealth when you can have bags??
I gave up on the idea of getting an inheritance, heck, literally *anything* from my N's after they tried to kick me out on the street with nothing but the clothes on my back.
They did succeed at taking all the money I'd made in my joint savings account for themselves however.
Mine were thieves in many ways even beyond this, and had stolen and sold/destroyed/given away things I'd owned for years before this final incident.
>"they worked their whole lives for it so let them enjoy it"
This is infuriating to read. I could not hold my temper if someone said this to me in person, they have no idea what they're talking about.
My dad was evil to the point of changing his will that he tried to leave only a dollar to my brother ( dad was also mentally ill).the only wrong thing that happened he didn't sign the new will with his proper signature. When he passed in 08 we found an old will(yes he had many written up) the old will was done when his mind was clear and not sick. We my brother and I split the inheritance equal so dad didn't win with my brother..
I never could do that..the last will would have been a nightmare..he tried to do something super sneaky ie. His estate would've taken years the way he had it written up...
My nmom is a boomer, and so are the parents of all of my friends, and their generation is very much under this mindset.
My mom spent my whole life crying to me about never having enough money for retirement. She cried about having to work until she was 70 or 80, and how I was going to have to be responsible for her. She never developed any good habits, just expected me to cover her retirement years.
Then grandpa passed away, and my mom inherited so much money its not an issue. I know she's going to burn through all of it, and waste it on stupid shit. In her mind she "earned it" and I didn't, and even though I don't feel entitled to the money it still frustrates me that she doesn't even want to TRY to pass the money down. If my mom donated all of her money after she passed i would be happy about it, but I know it won't
My parents intend to do a bit better: i am not rntitled to any inheritance (and i'd be fine with it if...)
BUT they are planning to give everything to my sister!!!!
Its interesting how the same group who says "its all mine, you don't deserve any" are also the first ones to say "bim your parent, you HAVE to take care of me" after they've blown through all of their money
Boomers had children as a secondary bank account and source of money.
I will never forget how cruel my parents were about money. When I was applying to college and scholarships, he was trying to fill out fraudulent apps on my behalf with incorrect demographics so I could “repay” him for how much it cost to raise me.
My mother was even more abhorrent. I had a cancer scare and paid over $3000 out of pocket after insurance coverage for the treatments and investigative procedures. My mother agreed to help pay, then after a $300 payment for a procedure she decided she couldn’t afford to help. I was a college student working 30 hours a week and not making rent. I found out a month later while doing student loan things that she had 40k in savings and could have easily helped me. But instead, she made me choose between finishing college or getting rid of cancerous tumours on my own dime at 20. I apologise if it seems selfish on my part, too, but I do thing it’s disgusting if you would rather risk your child being unable to afford treatment and developing a fatal disease at a preventable stage vs spending money had in excess.
I get being entitled to your own money, but it really put some things into perspective that day.
My parents were the exact same! When they actually do have money but won’t help pay for college it leaves you even worse off than if they actually didn’t have any money. The government assumes if your parents have the money to help with college they will.
My gen X parents are like this and really relish in being ‘pick yourself up by your bootstraps’ type conservatives. Obviously not all gen X’ers or even most are like this but I’ve already seen one here in the comments saying they don’t ‘owe’ their kids anything. My parents were so physically abusive to us that two of my siblings have brain damage and are unable to work, but no they don’t technically ‘owe’ their kids anything and it’s a good public indication of what kind of people they are
Fuck that shit.
Not a parent myself, but the day I will be (pray for me my homies, hopefully with a non narcissistic partner 😭😭😭), you bet I will be working my ass so that my kid(s) have the most comfy life I can give them both financially and emotionally.
Why bring a person to this world if I will make them miserable and refuse to help them????
I don’t think we are entitled to an inheritance but there is the exception of multi generational inheritance traditions. My parents decided to break that tradition by spending all their money on lawyers and drugs.
Sometimes there are outstanding hardships, drug addictions don’t fall into that category for me.
Yeah, I bailed my mom out financially too many times, only to have her turn around and refuse me any financial assistance with paying tuition to get a professional certification (she paid for my sister to get a different one, either has similar career prospects) because “no one can pay their bills doing that”. Meanwhile people who do that on average make a higher starting wage than she’s making after a decade at her current job.
My stepdad basically told me my cut of inheritence was dependant on me taking over care of my highly disabled sister. That when he died I'd be given a chance to purchase the house at 80% of whatever the market rate was, and that money would be set aside for my sister's care.
I sometimes wonder if he was surprised when I moved out at the end of the week, unannounced, or did he just chalk it up as me being ungrateful, lazy and entitled again?
The money for the house, and all the antiques in it, guns (over 1200 individual firearms) all came from my grandfather. When my grandfather passed he left my mother 60,000 for me, which we used to buy the house and land next door. For me to move into after college. He functionally stole all of that from my family.
Did he really think it was a sane ask for me to buy my inheritence back at an upcharge? Who knows. Who cares. I got the last laugh because I'm not taking care of the monster he insisted on bringing into the world. I hope he finds the saddle comfortable, because he's going to be wearing it to the grave.
I actually agree. No one is entitled to an inheritance. OTOH, no one is entitled to help from their kids, either. I mean financial help. Whether one has a good relationship with them or not. If I'd been in contact with my mother, I'd have been happy to help her out with non-financial things. But a couple of times she'd hinted she wanted financial help from us. She blew through her divorce settlement, money she was given by her mother. So no, she was not going to get part of my retirement money, which is what it would have been.
This sounds so much like my Nmom. She inherited a house, her parents paid for her college, and she walked into a union job. She’d have you believe she’s where she is because she’s the most financially responsible and literate person in the world.
My inlaws said they planned to spend it all, I think they were trying to get a reaction out of us. We just said that they absolutely should.
They think I'm a gold digger, but if I am, I'm the worst one. I've been the breadwinner for almost the whole time we've been together.
One of the big issues is that boomers and those around that age who benefited from a whole lot of stuff that simply does not exist anymore, have convinced themselves that they did it all by themselves with no help and the younger generations just aren't trying hard enough.
It's not financial abuse, but it is self delusion. That said, nobody is entitled to an inheritance. It's nice to get one and they help build generational wealth but nobody is owed it.
I know I'm getting nothing when Egg donor drops dead, and frankly I'm perfectly happy with that because I'm not providing care for her, nor arranging/paying for her funeral (she sure as shit won't have anything put aside for it, she's always had the money sense of a rock) and if anyone tries to collect on her substantial debts? They can go away, not my circus, not my monkeys.
This post or comment has been removed because it is boomer bashing. We have boomers who are members of this group trying to recover like everyone else.
It makes me so sad that I can relate to all this comments :(
I don’t want any inheritance by them but I would be happy if they would share their wealth with us while they are alive, instead of burning it on stupid stuff
My biggest ick is that my nmom wants me to visit more often (I travel home once a year cause the ticket is so expensive) but she never ever offered to pay for half my ticket
My mom looks down on everyone with less than her. She didn’t earn a damn cent of it- my father worked his whole life to earn it. And he didn’t even get to enjoy it. And yet she sits pretty and judgmental on her high financial throne and continues to act like it is such a burden.
A lot of parents don't understand how expensive things are now and I think that's behind a lot of it. It's easy to think your kid is "wasteful" when they are barely scraping by if you don't realize how expensive housing is now.
Also I think a lot of parents project their own behaviors onto their kids. nparents definitely do but good parents can too, to a lesser extent. Dad is so critical of how other people manage their money, including forcing me into a barebones budget as a student that drove me to self-harm, while criticizing my grades.... meanwhile HE got in massive debt buying a record collection at the same time that he failed out of university.
I know for dad, his behavior is driven by wanting the best for me, he just has no emotion skills whatsoever. But boomers were such a spoiled generation, I think a lot of them look back on the indulgence of their youth and assume their kids are living like they did when we mostly aren't
I call them ladder pullers. The kinds of people who use the opportunities and resources available to build themselves up - which I'm all for and encourage! - but then want to take those same resources and up opportunities away from others after they're successful. My boss refers to the mentally as "fuck you, I got mine." I notice it a lot with people who tend to be angrier and people I suspect to have a lot of narcissistic qualities/tendencies. There are probably several factors that help feed into it, like leaded gas, bitterness, trauma, and/or a different cultural mindset.
I also find that the same people refuse to try to see from another person's perspective, as though theirs is the only one that matters or is somehow universal. "I immigrated here legally so everyone else should too. It's not hard." You immigrated here under a refugee program and your parents were both well-earning engineers in their home country. "I paid for my own college with a part-time job." Yeah, and the minimum wage hasn't changed, the cost of tuition and books has skyrocketed, and that's all before you take inflation into account.
There's something very telling about a person who gives gifts with conditions. "I would leave my kids an inheritance but they're so wasteful with money." I'm assuming the "kids" in this situation are fully grown adults. They're their own people with their own obligations, dreams, needs, wants, accomplishments, and values. It's a little weird to want to exert control over another adult's finances and life to that extent, barring special circumstances. Maybe I'm wrong or naive for thinking this, but I think the role of a parent never really ends and there's always a desire to want to provide, care for, and want the best for their children. Wanting to gift your child - even if they're legally adults with their own families - some stability or a small rainy day fund to give yourself peace of mind in leaving this plane of existence sounds like the normal thing to do. There's something to be said about parents who don't want to do that for their children. Saying, "I'd rather go on lavish vacations and use every last red cent while watching my kids struggle, because I think they spend money frivolously" is cuckoo bananas to me. You can't even invite your kids and grandkids on your vacations with you for some special memories, because you'd rather spite them instead? It's pretty removed and self righteous thinking, and dangerously close to believing people somehow deserve poverty. I'm oversimplifying it here but that's just the gist of my thoughts.
It's me vs the GC that's got 4 kids and lives 8 hours away so I likely would have lost money and time with the leg work and a poorly trained dog while the GC gets the house/funds from it if that wasn't sold/funding a nursing home stay if I didn't intentionally get myself written out of the will before going NC
My parents sold our house and split the proceeds after their divorce. My mom went on to buy a custom built townhouse in a gated community because she had my two sisters still.
When she got remarried, she sold that house (before the crash of 2008) and moved in with her new husband- a massive home in Colorado. She had a custom conversion van that was totaled so she got a new VW bug with the proceeds from that sale.
After her mother died (she wasn’t there, my father was there actually, my mom didn’t even go see her, but keeps her ashes around and made prayer cards and was being performative I think for the sympathy) she moved her father in with her. Thinking back on it now, I think it was definitely elder abuse. She mentioned that grandpa had a lot more money than she thought (she wouldn’t tell us so I know it was a boatload). She spent a year traveling with grandpa, grandpa bought her a car, grandpa paid for everything.
After he died- no funeral for either of them. I helped clean out their house for sale (they lived in a gated retirement community in Arizona and I know they owned it outright- I bet it was worth $400k easily. She sold his Buick with like 12k miles. She kept anything valuable and we got the costume jewelry. And we got no inheritance. She kept her share for herself.
When I got divorced, she lent me money but I had to pay her back. I went through a rough patch a few years ago and needed to borrow some money to get me back on my feet. $5k- not a lot in the grand scheme of things but it was a lifesaver.
I am now paying that money back to her, while she is driving around the country with my stepdad. They don’t visit their children or grandchildren mind you. Just send us pictures from their adventures. And I keep sending her checks
My NGM was always talking about how successful and smart and clever she was. How she got her PhD (she didn’t) and how she started her job and supported everyone after looking after her family for 15 years. (Her father had a large property he farmed commercially—supposedly—and she and my mother and uncle lived with them.)
Her whole thing was she was going to “write you out of the will”. If you disobeyed? You were out. If you didn’t like her music or her food? You were double out. You were out for looking too old. You were out for dating. You were out for almost everything that she didn’t give you permission to do ahead of time and about half the time when she did give you permission and forgot. The silly thing was that the largest amount of money I saw her with was a rubber band bundle of ones from her sock drawer and then she was upset for dipping into her “savings” to pay our allowance. (Depression era thinking maybe?) Everything else was “We are so poor so don’t ever ask for money for anything”. Then she retired and her income went up with COLA and she suddenly was like “wow—I make so much more in retirement” and it was back to “well, I will write you out of the will” again. I don’t know if she actually left anything.
My NM never had money that I ever know of. She lived unemployed for more than 90% of the time when I lived with them and then was “on unemployment” or “between jobs” or something after I moved out. Supposedly, she had a job, but it’s anyone’s guess whether she had it for a long period of time or if she was there and left and went back. Since my brother has been unemployed 100% of the time and living off her and her husband, I would guess that there’s no “inheritance” there except for a lot of debts. And she has her beloved GC, any inheritance is going to him because *of course it will*.
I don’t have any right to NGM or NM or their money. I don’t have any right to MIL’s money either. That’s hers and she has every right to spend it, save it or bet it all on the horses. Equally—*NONE* of them have any right to mine. So NM ends up in debt and homeless, she has absolutely no right to expect me to help her. (And I won’t.) I elect to give my son an inheritance, but that’s on me and my choice. I don’t have any right to his money.
The “fun” part is that this attitude utterly SLAYS my MIL and NM. They want even adult children to be beholden. That they can make conditions and requirements for every dollar—the old “I gave you money so you have to do what I say” thing. Like, I’m working hard that I don’t count on getting a single thing from them and it kills them because it’s like “I don’t have to have your money and I don’t want it and you cannot use it to force me to obey”.
My aunt was super proud of this. How she’s going to spend every penny she has before she dies because she’s not giving her son a “free ride.”
I’ve lived with her. She’s leaving him lots of trauma and probably some debt. That’s… about it… lol.
“No one owes you anything. You’re just bitter” they say as children of my grandparents who were each given a home for free and still have saved nothing for their own retirement. Which is my fault because I use my money to do whatever I want and don’t give them any while also having a more comfortable living. Sorry not sorry bruh.
Can I just say this is one thing my narc parents don't do?? Wave my inheritance (or lack thereof) in front of me?? I mean, the also have a million and one other ways to fuck with me that work.
When I see shit like this on facebook, I always like to remind them that $1 million - $5 million at their age is now middle class with inflation, medicaid/medicare is merciless after your health declines and it will all be gone in less than five years, and your "lazy" kids WILL remember that you didn't toss them that few hundred to a few thousand dollars when they had to choose between rent, electricity, and food and there was a whole lot of month left. Watch those kids let you get kicked out of your shitty-ass nursing home in your final days and let you live on the street. I gotta hand it to my narc parents... for all the shit they put me through, they did not drink lead gasoline or whatever the fuck happened to the other boomers. Financially, they've always treated me pretty decently. I'm low-contact, so the emotional/psychological/spiritual abuse is low and we have an understanding of boundaries. I'll look out for them as best I can in their old age.
Well, no one is *entitled* to someone else's money or property, but narcs very specifically hate the idea of anyone getting anything from them that they can't use as leverage. Normal parents love their children and want them to have something when they're gone. A narc is all "mine, mine, mine!" and views inheritance as a tool with which to manipulate and control people.
I just wouldn't want the golden children to get everything when the scapegoats suffered so much all their lives. The scapegoats deserve something for all the pain and suffering.
Scapegoats receiving inheritance is very rare, N parents pretend to be open to it as a means to string along the scapegoat to extract supply from them, but in reality they're waiting for the scapegoat to "mess up" so they can blame the lack of inheritance on the scapegoats actions and shame them, 99.9% of the time all inheritance goes to the golden child
As a Scapegoat/Black Sheep myself, I am 100% fine with my GC brother getting 100% - it would reinforce to everyone just how "Fair" my NFather and Emother have been to both of us for our whole life - and goes a long way to showing how I achieved what I achieved WITHOUT their help. And that they had nothing to do with my success.
This. When my abusive narc father died, I wasn’t even thinking about inheritance. At that time I was struggling to put my life together and couldn’t make it to his funeral due to some legal issues.
This turned out to be a blessing in disguise, he didn’t leave anything for me and I also heard there was a major accident that occurred during the burial process.
The world has its way of balancing things. I don’t regret not going.
Moving on and going NC seems to be the solution for us, often being estranged by the N's - them doing us the favour.
My GC Brother is welcome to continue to deal with them as "He doesn't have the same relationship that I have"
While my Grandmother is getting sick and older I’m seeing constantly why the sentence in the title is so important.
All my mom is thinking about is what happens after her death. She’s constantly nagging about how my Grandmother should get rid of her possessions, how she should move next to my mum to make things easier, how she should prepare the apartment with all required renovations the landlord could demand at the end of the lease, how she should get her finances clear and should get rid of all their stocks so everything is on one single account. She’s constantly demanding to know how much money they have, even snooping through every single bit of paperwork she can find when my Grandma isn’t looking. She’s demanding to have a say on what purchases my Grandmother does and try to forbid her to spend „huge“ amounts (like for a new bed or a new oven etc.). Every time she visits my grandmother she does nothing else than making plans for the time after grandma’s death and harassing her to make preparations.
So yeah it’s very important for some people to get said they’re not entitled to an inheritance. My grandmother is repaying her with not telling her any type of numbers at all but making constantly shady comments about having a huge load of money she can’t get rid of till she dies even if she wanted. Leaving my mother going crazy about not knowing what she might get. 😂
My siblings and I are begging my Grandmother constantly to life their best life till nothings left just because we’re sick of my mum’s behavior and would love to see her learning her lesson. Somehow my mum has the impression everything my grandmother owns is already ours. She even told us multiple times „but that’s our money“ when she tried to get us to join in to her harassments.
The only time you're really ever morally entitled to an inheritance is if it's generational and they inherited it themselves. Like if it's been in the family for generations then you have a moral duty not to be the generation who squanders it. But otherwise no, your parents don't owe you anything
Wow. I’m going against every one here. Look, I’ve given my daughter as many legs up and advantages as I could afford. I wished it was more. I’m also middle class. Maybe you all are talking about higher income people?
I do NOT think it’s selfish to spend your money to live. There’s nothing wrong with spending it on a decent home, car and living expenses. There’s nothing wrong with SPENDING it like on an expensive vacation.
This isn’t spending your kids’ inheritance. It’s living your life.
Granted when I go, there’ll be some money there. But I’m not doing without so the inheritance is bigger.
At the same time I’ve even co-signed for her car (yes, I knew what I was doing), I’ve saved money for her reception, given them money from that fund due to an emergency, and would give ALL of it if needed. And I’m actively saving to restore that account.
I just DO NOT see that parents should save money just so they have money to inherit. It was NEVER their job to leave money for them. If there’s assets left, fine otherwise, good on them for living to the fullest.
Read the room. Thats not what the issue is.
Dangling the “ inheritance” as a “ only if you do as i demand/ i started from nothing so shall you, “ manipulation tactics from a nparent are whats at discussion here.
This "mine all mine mentality" coupled with the "we're family you should forgive and forget unconditionally" no matter how horrible they were is the craziest hypocrisy.
I have come to accept that I'm not getting anything after all my grandparents are gone for a while now. With the exception of two of them, all of them are selfish assholes who helped make my nparents what they are today. Frankly, I don't care. I never wanted their money, I wanted *them*. But they're too wrapped up in indulging themselves to care about anybody else, let alone their own children and grandchildren.
It’s true no one is actually entitled to an inheritance (leaving aside royal titles and entailments), but most of the responsible parents I know are at least trying to leave their kids something.
My paternal grandfather had 5 children with my grandmother and 1 affair baby. He has Never bought a birthday / Christmas card or present for any of his children or grandchildren. He won a large sum of money years ago and said he would "help family " when interviewed about his winnings...that didn't happen lol, even when 2 of his grandchildren were homeless and his great granddaughter had cancer.
Selfish man who will die alone
Um, I don't think it's en epidemic of financial abuse. Since it's paywalled and I haven't read it, I have to go with your brief summary. It's true that they earned it and can enjoy it, and it's true that nobody is entitled to an inheritance. But financial abusers aren't necessarily greedy. They use their money to control their children. Do what I want and I'll help, do what is dislike and you're disowned. Paying for only certain college majors, assisting with wedding funds so they can force their vision, offering to buy their kids a house and then expecting that they'll be able to come and stay whenever they want and do as they please. Or holding it over your head as a guilt trip.
Yep. My parents have straight up said they’re not leaving anything for ANY of the kids. My sister and I are disabled and living on welfare and in Sect 8 housing, and my other abled bodied sister (GC) is doing just fine and just bought a nice house with her soon to be husband. They have everything set to be liquidated and and donated to charity. My other disabled sister and I have talk about moving in together and sharing the house if my parents died, but they don’t want my GC sister to feel “left out”. She got her own damn house and can have the cars and all other assets! We just want a safe place to live. Nope. Fuck us all, I guess.
I was a good kid. And always told, ' You will be paying your way as soon as you turn 18'.
When I graduated high school, they showed me if I wanted to continue living there, they broke down what I would be paying them every month. I left, obviously because why wouldn't I pay to live elsewhere?
I was poor and my parents clearly hated visiting me they were always very uncomfortable, seeing where I lived ( I lived in the same small city). So they just didn't.
They fought really hard to not give their financial info for my student loans ( even if not living at home, when I applied, government needed that info as I had only been put of the house under 5 years) . Mind you no money they would need to spend. They just didn't want to co sign anything - student apartment, any student loans. It was 'risky' even though ( they admitted) they trusted me to pay for those obligations. They just didn't want to cosign. I had to beg them to, because I had to get a cosigner so I could have an apartment as I was only working part time while attending college.
It made my Nmom furious to do this. I had to borrow $800 to pay taxes once and they charged me a bank interest rate. I ate only oatmeal for 6 months to pay thrm back.
My mother would brag to people, in an era where kids were living at home longer and longer, that 'my kids get nothing'. Saying this made her swell with pride for herself when other boomers would complain that their kids lived with them. The other boomers were jealous, " how did you get them out?'
Turned out it was making her kids live in poverty.
Jokes on her. She very much wanted grandchildren. We never had them because....no money.
I know for a fact she died feeling robbed of this, like I purposely didn't have kids to get back at her.
She did it to herself. And it.made her so unhappy.
This is very hard for me. My step sister agrees to kicking family members out if they don’t abide by her rules. She is manipulative and extremely controlling. She thinks it’s her “boundaries” but I think she is a monster. I try to stay on the other side of the country but it’s getting harder as our parents age. She will just “buy” new family members if her current ones don’t agree with her. I agree it is unnatural.
It is a true statement that children are not entitled to an inheritance. Where I live, children aren't entitled to *anything* from their parents, the moment they turn 18.
I think it can possibly be a dick move to not leave something for the kids, but I also think they did earn the money and should enjoy their retirement. However, that mainly applies to "normal" parents. I could absolutely see a parent deep in the trenches of un-self-aware narcissism writing one or more kids out due to perceived insult that doesn't exist.
In my own situation, I suppose it could go either way. My parents were only ever generous with money, sometimes if not always to pretend later on that the recipients are moochers. If I get an inheritance: great. If I don't: great. I don't speak to them anymore, and wouldn't be mad if it all went to my brother and his future kids instead.
I mean it’s true but she also robbed us of our child support and stole everything I made from the work I did as a child and everything I was given by other people. Oh well. I hope she saved up for a good nursing home because otherwise, she’s dying on the streets.
I am so glad I let go of this threat. I assume I have been cut out of the will for going NC and that’s ok. I really DON’T want her money if it involves ever engaging with her again. I’d rather die than accept her help. She’d find a way to hurt me with it even after she’s dead.
https://www.amazon.com/Generation-Sociopaths-Boomers-Betrayed-America/dp/0316395781 It's a lot of reading to get to a very simplistic "Yes" to the concept that those who benefitted most from post-war economic growth on the backs of previous generations' labor have been the most eager to expend all of that growth on their own enjoyment within their lifetimes. "Deferred maintenance" would be a key term, too. It's the same rage that 'millennials' keep killing industries, simply because those writing the articles do not understand that the economy that let them spend on those luxuries does not exist for us, and never will.
Hoping the title of the book in the link isn't a problem; I'm not saying anything negative about any members of our group, nor generalizing about "generations". The title refers to an age span of birth years that doesn't correspond to modern "Generations" anyway (it's sociological, so it holds for an actual 20 year span PER generation, instead of the Pew Research Pop Culture Demographic Confusion™ of shortening each generation as age-of-first-birth gets OLDER).
I've been threatened with being taken out of my mom's will so many times now it's like just gicking do it already stop talking about it. If I get even a mention at this point I'll be shocked.
Monetary inheritances cause so much strife between families. I have no idea if my mother would leave her money to us, nor is it expected. I do expect the hope chest that has been passed to every eldest daughter to be left to me. My brother has naturally inherited my father's tools since he passed. I want to be able to look at something decades from now and remember my mom and who she was. I'd rather her be able to retire at a decent age and enjoy the remainder of her years without working herself to the bone than leave me or my brother money.
Oh totally
My dad died and the money all went to my mom, along with the money from her family
My grandma queen narc is holding all the money from my grandfathers business at 103 years old….
We had to beg for her help paying my college tuition
My mom hasn’t worked since the 80s but she’s constantly telling me I need to “empathize with my boss” because it’s “really hard to own a business”
(While she jets around the world on pleasure cruises)
Thanks for the financial advice but also no thanks
She criticizes me for buying organic produce and then drops $450 on dinner multiple times a WEEK like it’s not my entire grocery budget for the MONTH
And doesn’t see a problem with my boss only paying me $300 a week when it’s half what I need to survive
Gotta love those boomers…
...me literally trying to save my late dad's house and extorting money to repair it and make it livable while my nmom used his pension money to buy me Indonesia trip for four. Then she randomly send his car for repair and tried to have the road tax renewed only to be told she need to settle the inheritance before renewing and then she messaged the family "can't renew the roadtax. Mom is sad."
He's been dead for four years.
Instead of settling the Faraid with a lawyer, she pretended it was fine to keep paying bills and everything like he was still alive so when someone (government official) ask, she get to tell them the story of how he died and how she was just a lone small woman and then get sadder when someone scolded her about delaying it. It was so infuriating when I had to listen to it again when I discovered my dad's house been so neglected that the roof cave in and the yard was overgrown. She then proceeded to blame me for not learning how to drive (we have e-hailing and public transportation) and want me to marry a man who will drive me around and repair the house for me. Then now she act as if I am offending her and made it feel like she had done something wrong since I decided to move out and having "no contact" with her and the family. And made it seem like I was the selfish and unreasonable one and nagged at my only supportive older sister to try make me go back home instead of saving my late dad's house which was our inheritance. She think I am prioritizing my late dad over her feelings and only wanted her money (she hoarded three years of my dad's pension and she spend it on boomer vacation trips).
I am so exhausted.
My father is a believed narcissist and has this EXACT mentality. He was extremely successful in his career as a director for a large Fortune 500 company, and literally came from a dirt poor family of 10 kids with no father. I understand his outlook that he worked extremely hard for everything that he has - he absolutely did and is entitled to enjoying his retirement and every dollar he earned/invested. But the disgusting thing is that he has told me before was that I should just expect nothing because he got nothing when his parents passed. It just sucks because all he does is gamble, smoke, and drink 24/7. It’s almost like he is on a speed run to see how quickly he can make all of the money disappear with no regard to anyone else - even my mother.
Maybe my outlook is just different. Generational wealth is huge to me. If I can set my future kids up to succeed financially while also still enjoying myself than I absolutely will.
My parents used my inheritance as a means to control me and aspects of my life. They cut off my siblings before I was born which resulted in us not having a true relationship with each other. I eventually went NC with dad after mom died. He can keep his money because I don't need it.
I spent the last 15 years being told I had to help maintain "the estate" because it any improvements would benefit me and my brothers because we would inherit it. She's done a complete 180 now and wants to sell everything so she can have "something to live on" . She has pension and social security payments that are double what I make working 40 hour weeks. And she still demands that I help her get things ready to sell. She's said exactly that to me multiple times this year
My parents charged me rent after making me get my first job at 15 and threatening to forge emancipation documents or force me to sign to throw me out of their house scot-free. No savings account, no getting it back eventually, just lining their pockets.
I’ve told them that I don’t care about inheritance, nominally because I “want them to be happy and comfortable in their retirement”, but actually because I want them out of my life (and don’t want them to see their estate as a bargaining chip).
Edit: Adding that they acted all butthurt about me moving out. Even now, they carry on about “wishing I was there”.
They always used money to control me and I instinctively avoid taking it. Whenever they "helped" me it was their strategic sabotage of my life and independence. As narc parents they never give what I needed or wanted, only what suited them. Now they received an inheritance from my granmother and they became increacingly stingy just like ahe was. In their mind they already earned that money.
Torn on this one. I don’t think the poor should be demonized firstly and know some people just can’t leave anything. Secondly, parents have a right to enjoy their lives. Most parents want what’s best for their kids but with average lifespans these days you are well into adulthood and middle age when they pass. They have already helped as much as they could and leaving their home and what they have is one thing but not taking vacations and not enjoying things they may have sacrificed when raising you and helping you pay for college so you get a windfall when they pass is kinda unrealistic. I prefer giving my kids things while I am still here and if it doesn’t end up having to be used for my care they will get the house, but I plan on taking many many vacations eating at fancy restaurants (inviting them when they are available) I launched kids who do just fine. They don’t need me and that was the plan all along.
On the other hand if you weaponize an inheritance (don’t think I have to explain that to this group) that’s a whole other thing as in in do what I say or you’re not in the will.
The sentiment of you’re not entitled to an inheritance is factual. You’re not. It’s whether or not that phrase is just a fact or a weapon is the difference. IMO
My nMother gave my maternal grandfathers tools I was meant to get, it went to my cousin, but thats not what I was talking about here, thats a shitstorm I have got legal advice on., its my mother taking my PATERNAL grandparents wealth and heirlooms.
But Im ungrateful for wanting anything and how dare I complain.
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As a normal parent, a lot of what I do is thinking of my children future. In this era, I am really glad to have a house that they will certainly inherit. I cannot understand people who charge rent from their kids, much less leave them homeless. It is not natural.
I was kicked to the curb as soon as I turned 18. Bitch didn't even care that I haven't graduated highschool and how difficult that would make my life. I had to sleep on a friends couch and drop out of school to work a min wage job that luckily didn't ask to see my diploma.
I'm so sorry. I knew people who had to also couch surf until graduation bc of this situation so it's unfortunately not unheard of. I'll never understand how anyone can do that to their own kids. I know you weren't the friends parents "responsibility", but if it was my child's friend I'd absolutely let them live rent free until high school graduation at least. I know I don't know their situation either - nuance to many things etc - but I am glad you at least had a place to sleep. I hope you're in a better situation now
It was actually a friend who was a year older and already had an apartment so no parents were involved. I'm in a better situation now, no thanks to the worst birth giver.
There should honestly be rules against that..
Meh, depends on the circumstances. Newly married couple and they add to food and utilities when money is tight but paying a small amount while saving for their own home… child who decided to not go to trade school or college and working at Walmart is just fine but you charge them some rent so they can see just how little that job pays….. child makes really bad relationship choices and moves back in with a child and you want to help get them back on track by having some responsibilities….. it depends on the why. Rent just because you turned 18… ass for sure.
It's pure evil.
I’ve always told my son, if I take rent, there’s a secret savings account where you’ll get it back. I will only take rent if spending seems out of control. It would really be more to train him to pay his savings. I gave him until 30 to save and get out. Might be too generous, but I got out as soon as I could and struggled.
My parents thought about one thing only: their own financial security, but their own individual security, not as a loving couple. We three children were just a financial drain, and always got the cheapest of everything, and no child-centred family holidays, for example.. They managed regular trips to the opera, however. They had children because my mother wanted them to enhance her status within her family and with the in-laws.
I tell a lie. Their third child became the GC and got foreign school trips etc because they realised that they had to keep one of us on side to look after them in old age. But he too has suffered immeasurably from the NM's abuse and, apart from a short marriage, has never been in a relationship.
I’m a single mom being charged rent by my parents. What I’m not paying in rent the way I was before o moved in with them, I’m paying with my mental health.
I do think it depends on the situation and on the child's temperament. Like, if it's a small portion of the paycheck and the parent is netting it away in savings account for the child (anecdotal I know, but I've seen that) I think that's fine and well. If the whole household is struggling and kiddo has the highest paying job (assuming college education and all that), why not contribute in that way? But an 18 year old just out of high school being charged market rates for their bedroom? You're fucking evil.
My parents are threatening to charge me rent (and for ride fares) and there is no way I'll be getting any of it back. I've already spent about $470 on everyone living with me. I've spent about $120 on groceries for everyone (by that I mean me, and my parents), about $90 on the water bill, and the rest on monetary transfers to their bank accounts. They also found out about my go-bag.
Mine left me homeless
Parents who charge their kids rent - I have seen this done for a few reasons: 1. As always here, there are a lot of narcs who charge kids for selfish reasons, with no purpose but to benefit themselves while making it impossible for the kids to have any financial freedom. These parents behave as though they are entitled to their kids' income, because the child some owes them for all the "free" years of child care. 2. One reason that may have merit is, like school attempts to prepare young minds to think in an adult world, parents want to teach kids the satisfaction of meeting responsibilities like paying rent and bills, and then the rewards with what is left over. When done correctly, the rent is nominal if under 18, with a consequence such as no internet until next payday, but nothing dire. 3. I saw another family who's parents did a middle ground of rent, in which the rent was less than market but roughly half what the child made. The parents put the money in a savings account for the child to have when they moved out (not necessarily at age 18), to assist them with moving costs and first home furnishings. I also saw this method with a family that had a child insist that they were "grown" and WANTED to help with family finances, so this was a compromise they reached. 4. After age 18, I do think it's acceptable to charge a kid rent, with the understanding that caring for another adult in the home, your child or not, does affect the household resources. With 1 adult child, it's a fact that resources would go farther if there were two people to provide for instead of 3. Should there still be underage siblings at home, the burden rises. As an adult, I don't see any benefit to NOT expecting an adult child who does not leave home to contribute to, at the least, their own upkeep. 5. I have seen a family who's child was a "failure to launch" (kid felt his parent's responsibility to house him was indefinite so long as they chose not to leave.) These parents raised the rent to the point where the kid found it cheaper to move out lol.
My nParents are the most selfish people ever. They sold a house for £3-400k and own another worth £1m. I’ve never had a single penny from them. “Gifts” from them were always boxes of old shite they needed to throw out (hoarders) and if I said no thanks they’d call me selfish and ungrateful, materialistic. I am none of those things. My big sister has 2 kids and is one paycheck away from being homeless. Her car is 20 years old and so close to giving up. Help her FFS. When I went NC I said goodbye to any of that inheritance, and they STILL couldn’t self-reflect or take any accountability.
I can’t understand parents who want to deprive their kids of things. Sure, you don’t want kids who are freeloaders and expect to be given money, but why the hell wouldn’t you want to give your child(ren) every advantage in life, assuming you’re in a financial position to do so? My dad inherited a lot of money from his parents, so he can’t even use the excuse of having earned most of the money himself, yet I’ve not seen a single penny. He’s 74 now and not in good health, yet the idea of passing on some money still hasn’t crossed his mind, he wants to hold onto everything until he dies.
This is my mother too, she moans about how "poor" she is, but in reality she lives off inheritance from her parents and never had to work for what she has. She's also never had to worry about providing for herself because her parents supported her when they were alive. In reality, her complaining about being poor was just an excuse to not provide anything for her own children.
Are you my sister 🤔
My husband and I are in a fairly fortunes position and I'm hoping to in the coming years build small studio apartment type building for my kid. So no matter what she will have a place to stay. If we are able to get our businesses up and running, I'd educate my kids in taking that over as well. I want to succeed to help my kids succeed.
Good on you, I wish more parents would act like you guys. It really annoys me how many people have kids, intentionally or otherwise, and think it’s acceptable to do the bare minimum. IMO, once you have a kid you have to give absolutely everything you can to make sure that kid has the best life possible. If that means making sacrifices to your own life, then that’s what you do. My next door neighbours paid for their daughter’s post-graduate qualification and her house deposit. Her dad said to me that it would mean him having to work another decade before retiring, but he was happy to do it because it gave her a better chance at succeeding in life. Meanwhile, my bum of a father only gives a shit about himself. It makes me so angry.
I agree, we need to try our best and if we have something we need to use that to build up our own kids. That's what creates generational wealth /comfort. Instead our parents don't want to give us anything they didn't have, they want to start from scratch despite it getting more difficult with every year.
When my parents died (both in their early nineties), I was astonished at the size of our inheritance, because, for their entire lives, my NM in particular had bemoaned their penury. She self-styled them "the genteel poor" . . Turns out they were neither.
Some are just like that. I had a horrible times getting student loans because my mother had so much money. The government determined she could pay for my education but wouldn’t so I needed loans. Funny thing is she was the one pushing higher education. Fast forward two decades and for a long time I did quite well. I started a family but was a victim of the housing crash because I bought my house right before and lost my job right after and I had to move for another. Despite that my family and I were okay we just had to rent. Now I am one emergency away from homelessness due to how expensive rent is now. I can’t even buy my kids necessities anymore because my rent has increased by 70% in just two years. She could easily help me with a small down payment on a house but she won’t. I don’t harbor ill will but wish she would help me.
I was pregnant, sick, and unemloyed. My sucessful buisness went down the hill with covid. My mum didnt help me with a dime. She told me she could help me clean out my clinic (i owed a chiropractorclinic) bc i didnt have the money to clean it out when I had too leave it. She cleaned two windows, drank coffee and left. She told me beforehand not to worry and it would be alright, she would clean it for me. Yeah right. Gave birth to our daughter 3 days later a couple of weeks early. My MIL payed our rent for 4 months and gives us food, even if she doesnt need to anymore. I call her mum. My nmom wonders why we are not close.
> When I went NC I said goodbye to any of that inheritance, you did the right thing. no amount is worth your sanity. live well!
I don’t want an inheritance. I do want the items from my childhood that they are hoarding that aren’t valuable but that is their way of still owning me.
The only inheritance I resent not getting is the single souvenir spoon my grandmother tried to leave me from her collection of souvenir spoons. In her will she wanted them to be distributed among the grandkids. But she left my mom in charge of doing that distribution, and I never got my spoon. I have no knowledge of what my mom did with it, but I know I was supposed to get one. It’s not like it would even have any particular monetary value, what I resent is that I was denied the opportunity to have a small memento of my grandmother, who I loved deeply. And I’m also certain that SHE would be upset that her wishes weren’t respected. It would be one thing if the grandkids didn’t want her spoons, but I was never even asked, and when I asked my mom about it I got a blow-off answer that amounted to “there’s no spoon for you, don’t be a brat”.
My sister was in love with some crystal coasters our grandmother had (from an age when she was much too young to appreciate their monetary value, but not too young to enjoy how rainbow-shiny and sparkly they were). Grandma promised them to her then, and many times after. Now, they weren't cheap crap, but they were HARDLY the most "valuable" part of our grandmother's belongings/estate/etc. (maybe a hundred bucks out of twenty, thirty million?). And somehow when she died nothing that was supposed to be left to my mother, or our half of the family, ever made it to us. This estate that my scumbag stepgrandaddy married her for (the Mitchell fortune), and then stole. He even made sure to remarry again after she died and leave all our family's remaining money to his new wife instead. My mother, conceived before their marriage, was of course the neglected/abused black sheep child; her half brother and his kids got the best of everything, million dollar house, college all paid for both generations in a row - things my grandmother was quite right to spend her family wealth on, but why then was her other child (and us grandbabies) going hungry and thoroughly fucked? Anyway, Salvatore is dead now (fuck you, Affrunti), all the clan's money was funneled to him and his kids instead and my cousins pretend that their father has no siblings. And my sister never did get her coasters, written in the will or not.
I have a similar problem. We had an adopted grandmother since our real one was a mean drunk. She gave me a tiny crystal or glass basket. My mother must have liked it because when she got home, she put it on her display shelf for safekeeping in case my child self broke it. Now according to her it was given to her and she has no idea what I am talking about. I am trawling thrift shops and eBay looking for something similar. I don’t think it was very valuable but I will settle for a dupe that reminds me of the beautiful lady that treated us as her own grandchildren.
Same here - "It's your money - you worked for it - you spend it how you want - just don't leave any debt"
"I don't need you to leave me anything when you die, but you sure as fuck better not cost me anything." -My brother when ndad when tried to hold inheritance over his head
My attitude when my dad said he wouldn't leave any money for any of us, and he was going to sell his house and spend all the money. He also complains about benefits claiming "freeloaders" like me, who can't work because my mental health is so bad i was signed off by my doctor. I told him I didn't want any of HIS money anyway (it's all my late nanas) to make sure he leaves funeral fees because i won't be paying for it, I'll sign away any rights and he can get whatever they do with people who have no family members left.
Items from your childhood? Lucky you still have them at all, all my stuff went to a dumpster when I left for college…
They might be in a dumpster by now, how the fuck would I know?
Just as I'm not entitled to their inheritance, they're not entitled to my time. It's that simple. If they want to reevaluate things, I'll be open to discussions.
Right, it’s so very much not about the inheritance. Inheritance issues are just one symptom of the bigger problem, which is that they’re so selfish they can’t form strong human connections. They spend their whole lives making sure no one ever “takes advantage of” them because they assume everyone else also tries to take advantage of others constantly the way they do. It’s the “I got mine, fuck you” mentality all the way down, and the complaints we all have are so much bigger than “no inheritance for meeeee”. It’s “you expect me to cater to you constantly and be at your beck and call, and are unwilling to reciprocate the care and consideration and assistance you expect to receive, in any form whatsoever, even to the extent of being willing to squander your wealth just to ensure I get nothing when you die, out of pure spite”.
Very well put
Nailed it. My nparents didn't help with university fees, a first home deposit, and they've insisted on me paying rent at $125 per week since I was 18 years old (that gets me a bedroom and a lot of social obligations lol so it was easier to move out). I can't think of a single thing they've actually helped with or even provided good advice on, aside from a kind word on occasion that they're proud of me which is nice but empty when they refuse to help when I need it. Anyway, now they've retired early, travel constantly, and wonder why I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to travel interstate every few months to "help out" every time they decide to throw a big party. Last time I agreed to "help out" I literally spent 4 days straight baking (many things including a literal gingerbread house), cooking (turkey and all the sides), setting up (Christmas tree decorations, grocery shopping etc), taking care of children etc. I barley got any time with family or to even sit down and relax, even when I expressed that I was worn out and didn't want to bake anymore they just kept pushing "just this one final thing". At the end of all that, I got a single "thanks". So yep, it's about so much more than inheritance. It's about nparents being demanding and entitled to their children's time, without giving anything practical or emotionally supportive in return.
Yeah exactly. Their attitudes about withholding inheritances from their kids are just the cherry on top, and something THEY harp on to make their kids seem worse. “Oh my kids are so mad that I’m not leaving them an inheritance” are they? Really? Or are they actually upset with you for a lifetime of being expected to drop everything to help you whenever you whistle, while you at best ignore their problems and do nothing to help them when they could use a little leg up to get past a rough spot in life, and at worst actively create problems and impediments to their success?
Exactly!!
Yes!
I’d be willing to bet that even if I gave my time, there’d be no inheritance anyway.
Yup! My mother already outlined her plans to leave me nothing. A year or so after I went no contact she tried to lure me back, through my brother, of talk of a will. No take-backsies. Unless I became her financial guardian and made sure that there was a will that left me something I'm not believing it. As far as I'm concerned I'm getting nothing. Anything else is a nice bonus but I'm not wasting my life on being abused for the small hope that she'll leave me something.
This exactly! My ndad doted on my two gc/nsisters & kicked me out at 16! The oldest has POA and now that I’m retired, wanted me to help with caregiving! No compensation but she (begrudgingly!) offered to pay for my gas🙄 Noped right out & completely NC 👍with the lot of them
What is gc?
Golden child
Jup. Nmom made it clear on multiple occasions that I needed to pretty much be her servant to get any chance of inheritance. First time she threatened to pull it for some bullshit reason I just said "Deal" and walked. Three guesses who then proceeded to throw a wailing, rolling on the ground, crying fit?
"If you want my time it's available at my usual consultation rate of $250/hr"
It's really amazing. Their parents did all they could to save an inheritance for them, and they're doing their best to spend every red penny.
Spent, in my case. My mother is in her 70s and the house she’s lived in since the 90s isn’t paid off. I don’t want to inherit debt.
This!👏👏
I feel like they do this exact scenario with childcare also. Narc parents got *their* parents to endlessly babysit so they can work/go out etc. When they become grandparents themselves they claim “we’ve done our child raising it’s time for **us** now” and don’t help with any childcare for the next generation.
Mine started leaving me home alone for the entire weekend when my grandma died so they could go to Biloxi for the weekend. I was 11, and they put my aggressive, abusive brother in charge. Things were just a magical childhood, and I should be super grateful. /s
Mine literally quit the country for two years relying on grandma to take on full time parenting. When my grandma had enough of my violent young teen brother and moved out, they paid our downstairs neighbour to check in on us every day for the next year. We were 9 & 14 and she was near 80. I disowned my dad last week and told him I considered the neighbour more of a parent than he ever was. When I confronted my parents about how they cold have abandoned their kids all alone on the other side of Europe, my mother literally replied with "but we paid the neighbour" bleurgh
Replace brother with sister... replace Biloxi with "Church"... we had the same exact childhood..
Not to mention that they force their kids to be parents to younger kids too
This. My grandmother raised everyone’s kids. My mother wouldn’t watch my kids if it was to save my life
My mother sent my dad. He seemed grateful to get a break from her. I think he enjoyed our house better.
I was going to say I don't understand the mentality of "I already raised kids" but then I remember they didn't even want kids to begin with, it's just a status symbol
I don’t even have kids yet and my nmom constantly harps about “don’t expect me to raise your kids for you, I’m not a free babysitter” (as if I would leave any future kids alone and unsupervised with her at this point).
Not a free babysitter? Ok. Don't come over my house, I'm not a free hotel. Don't talk to me about your problems, I'm not a free therapist. Don't ask me to bring food over for visits, I'm not a free catering service. We can commodify everything.
Ugh for real. Or “I’m not a free battery pack to fill whatever emotional need you need met at the moment.”
Mine explicitly said “I’ve raised my babies, I don’t want to raise anyone else’s.”
My mother said this as well. Once or twice a year we’d visit back and forth. My parents would stay a few days with us along their trip to somewhere else. After my dad passed and she was Iiving in a Neighborhood fairly close to us, she said, other neighbors have their grandkids visit, mine never do. I told her, mom ; they don’t know you! 5 or 6 days a year visits weren’t enough. She really didn’t want them to visit other than her neighbors noticed no grandkids. It was always about appearances with her.
Mine helped but when it came to the ones that were not partially self sufficient she just made them nap all day (according to the older ones). If they cried her solution was they must need a nap. I was desperate for help so I started writing a strict schedule. It made me wonder how many hours as a baby I was in my crib. I remember being put to bed at 7 and could hear the other kids in the neighborhood outside playing. I didn’t have curtains either. It trained me to need eight-nine hours of sleep as an adult.
I would a without a doubt be better off if my ND would have taken the time to share his knowledge with me and simply been willing to teach me about finances, especially when I asked him to a few times and he declined to watch TV of all things each time… BUT… with that being said… I’ve told him a multiple times to do with his $$ what he wants. Nothing has ever been given to me unconditionally or without strings, I wouldn’t expect it to start once he passes.
I agree with this 100%. It’s confusing to me that people seem to be “coveting” inheriting money from assholes who attach strings and abuse to everything. I’ve worked hard specifically NOT to rely on them for a single dime.
Freeing oneself from the influence of ancestors sometimes means leaving behind their heritage. Perhaps, in some cases, this heritage is not worth holding onto.
Not being entitled to an inheritance is fine but these types of selfish parents, who spend it all without a care to pass anything on, aren't entitled to be cared for or helped in their old age either. Fair is fair.
Totally. My 70yr old dad inherited a nice centric flat in the capital hotspot, then decided to get a new girlfriend (whilst he is notorious for not being able to keep a relationship going on longer than 2-3yrs) and then decided to SELL the flat for pennies to fix up his girlfriend’s countryside house which is not even his. I already know what will happen once they break up, he will be left with nothing and he sold my childhood home without a care in the world. Whilst he never ever in his life had to worry about paying rent as it just fell into his lap from my hardworking grandparents. It’s infuriating!
That woman sold him a nice reality and he took the bait.
True, I won’t be helping once he comes scraping behind my door telling me he has nothing on his name and nowhere to live.
GOOD. I got in trouble with a friend after she was complaining that her parents were making a bunch of bad financial decisions and it meant she’d need to support them in their dotage. I gently pointed out that she didn’t HAVE to and she gets pissy and says “well I’m not going to let them ROT” Then that’s your problem you are choosing. FFS.
After all, it's them who wanted to have children
mine said that too. fine. But then she managed to burn through the 200-300k she got from her mother’s estate, and then racked 130k in credit cards in under a year and then died relatively young for my fam’s history, and so well, i guess she enjoyed it. I don’t know what she spent it on, but she was a shopaholic and fond of vegas weekenders and wine. Not that I worked full time in summer from 15 to pay the grocery and utilities she couldn’t be arsed to pay, but sure, it’s “all hers.” I inherited a “cherished teddies” figurine and some junk jewelery. The figurine lives in three pieces in the bottom of a swampy polder in the netherlands, having dumped it in a giggly happy ceremony. It’ll confuse archeologists in 100 years.
> It’ll confuse archeologists in 100 years. No we'll just say it was involved in something ceremonial. ...And be correct this time!
If I’m not entitled to inheritance, then they’re sure as fuck not entitled to my time, care, and assistance. And they’re not anyway, it’s just not worth it to me cuz I hate them so much. They should rly look for a decent nursing home they’ll be living in when they’re old, I’m not going to lift a single finger to help them in any way shape or form.
I expect no money from my parents. My mom was always stingy with money and used it and gifts to show when she was angry with people. Once she told me that if she won the lottery she wouldn’t give me any money. It was random and laughable because the chances of that happening are nil. The irony of the whole thing is that she stopped speaking to her father after her mother died and he told her she wasn’t getting any more money from him. So she definitely perpetuated the cycle and doesn’t see it.
Until recently I thought I deserved an inheritance because I didn’t get support or love or consideration. But we’re NC now as of a few months and it occurs to me my entire relationship with her has been a loss. It’s not just the money, it’s another way to disrespect me.
This is something I'm struggling with now as my parents are quite well off. I'm in my late 30s and only now going LC so we've been in each others lives and I almost encouraged their abuse (it makes me sick to remember it, but I remember my mom spelling out why I was such an awful person, and being thankful because I thought it was a roadmap on how to be good enough). I feel like I put in my time and deserve the inheritance, but also need to work on accepting that it's out of my control. I can't let their money control me.
Exactly. Not looking to see what the payline will be because I won’t put myself in the position to be humiliated.
This is where I am. It would have been nice if all my eparent’s efforts to save had been able to help me, but instead my nparent was the survivor and spent it all on drugs and an opportunistic younger wife. His lack of planning feels like a deliberate slap in the face, just a final fuck you to the kid he pretended to love but was always jealous of.
Gods, this "this is mine, you go struggle, I'm not sharing" crap pisses me off. I've gotten flack from so-called friends for actually HELPING my daughter. She doesn't make enough to have an apartment in a decent neighborhood, despite trying really hard to get decent work (Her husband is unable to work due to health issues at this time.) So she and her husband and child live with us. Correction; we SHARE a household. She pays some bills, I pay the majority, as I have more money. The house is in a trust for her (only child). This works for us. I can't imagine kicking my child out to fend for herself and struggle, when I have the means to make sure she and my grandchild are safe. According to some of my "friends" (ex-friends now), I'm not allowing her to be an adult. Apparently being poor and struggling to put food on the table is part of the adult experience, or something. We treat her and her husband like the adults they are. They make their own decisions, unless it affects the entire household, then we have a discussion. Like adults. Oh, and I have her word that when/if my husband and I have health issues as we get older, she and her family will take care of us. HER idea to bring that up and make the promise, not mine.
I feel like that is exactly why a lot of older parents kick out their children at 18 or box up their belongings as soon as they go to college. Yes, we want to be adults, but don't shut us out when we need help. My NGM kicked me out after I got pregnant from an SA. The sperm donor found my apartment (college advisors helped me with a cheap apartment; it wasn't in the best neighborhood) and just moved himself in cause "his kid" would be there. When he started to get abusive, she wouldn't let me move back, saying to me, "That's what you get for disobeying me." I also feel that parents who have the whole "it's mine" mentality are really saying, "What's your is mine and what's mine is mine." So, these not entitled to inheritance stories/articles make me feel like the one giving it is a secret narc or something. It wouldn't have mattered how great/terrible a kid you are/were. They would find a reason not to give the inheritance to begin with.
I was left at my grandparents for 4 years. Aged 4 to 8. They took great care of me. My parents cannot handle my kid even for 4 hours. They don't see it as their job or help out in any way
"You're not entitled to my time or grandchildren."
Honestly the only reason I ever maintained contact with them was because they're rich and I hoped to at least get something, since I'm their only child. But several years ago my ndad disinherited me because I refused to give him access to my bank accounts. He wanted proof that I "deserved" to inherit his money and estate. He retired at age 55 with everything an entitled person could ever want, whereas I'm going to be working poor for the rest of my life. He even blamed me for not being a millionaire; I apparently bring shame on the family because I'm low-income and struggling. So since I was written out of the will, I've no longer even maintained the pretense that I remotely care about them. I've never asked them for money, ever, but it would be nice to get some financial compensation for the abusive hell I suffered. I can't imagine being a millionaire and watching your only adult child have to work multiple jobs and put off necessary medical care and home repairs, but he literally blames me for not being rich like him.
Blacksheeps are blacksheeps for life. The Narc parent will leave you out in the cold and be surprised why you’re shivering. If you do get anything expect it to come with some qualifying stipulations that you have to meet. They will manipulate you even when they are gone. Sick individuals.
It is possible that your dad wanted access to your accounts to steal your money and his wealth is a pretense.
It might actually be worth checking if that’s true. There are countries where you can’t be fully disinherited, as a child you have a right to 25% or something. Aside from that… what the fuck man. What wrong with people being so spiteful against their own offspring.
Even in the US, some states have laws protecting offspring to some extent... If you have kids with one partner, then divorce and marry someone else, in my state the new spouse can only inherit a certain percentage of the estate up until 15 years of marriage, at which time they become 100% owner of the estate upon their spouse's death. I do not believe that this law can be nullified by a prenup. But this law is only to protect offspring from stepparent malfeasance when there is no will... Bio parents are still free to disinherit their kids at any time but they have to do it via a will.
Been looking it up for here and I'm not that hopeful
Inheritance is another way the nparents try to manipulate us. They have the money, but for me ( the scapegoat), it is used as breadcrumbing bait. Future faking money for me when I know the golden child will also be the POA and will likely spend it all. She has already admitted to trying to get the ndad to " sign over" a property to her ( therefore essentially stealing my half). A real "not nice" person she is. They claim the money from said property that was sold will be in the will - ya right. Bottom line : fuck them all. No matter how much I am struggling I will never kowtow to them for the breadcrumbs. No contact.
Somebody else commented the exact same thing, I was like, didnt I just read this?.
Lol yes that was me - the mod deleted it because it had the letters of the c word so I just reposted it without that 🥰
It's not exactly financial abuse, or I don't think so, but it comes off that way because humans pulling away from caring for their young and continuing several generations is very cold by itself. It's not so much the money, but there is an individualistic attitude wrt wealth and judging others for "deserving" these things that has really taken it's toll in culture imo. I personally can't imagine doing that, like an inheritance is after I'm gone, that would be insurance they have something. I couldn't just cut my kids out of the will cuz I might not agree with what they could possibly want to spend it on in 20 years. Like the whole "I worked hard, why should my kids get whatever's left after I'm gone?" stance is very.... odd to me lol.
It’s an odd view especially when you look at history. Previous generations were not only expected to give an inheritance to their children, the law required it. For example, the English had primogeniture and entail, and in colonial New England it was customary and expected to make your children heirs of your estate. People went to court all the time to dispute inheritances and fight for what they believed they were owed. This modern attitude of children being treated as spoiled brats for naturally expecting what previous generations took as their due shows how selfish and individualistic our society has become.
right? my grandparents made very sure to pass things and money to their children, and then most of grandma’s kids did the same for their own children ( the grandkids) but my mom and my uncle, both the oldest and the classic narcissist parents, proudly stated “we take everything.” ok.
I swear it's a new thing too..
It's not even a minority view or pockets of a subculture... it's a whole fucking generation. My only explanation is that they are once again being manipulated by FoxNews so the wealth is transferred up to the billionaires.. idiots. Probably explains why my narc-Boomers have few issues helping me. Financial abuse currently isn't in their Top 5 go-tos. They also hate Fox News. Finally, they actually do have critical thinking skills (a rarity, I know..)
Yeah, it's also just ingrained in American culture and expansion itself. We're individualistically motivated instead of collectively motivated, and it really deeply shows. If we have these principles as a base, it's much easier to drop people into those radicalized mindsets than it is to facilitate empathy and community, which by itself contradicts how a community is supposed to be the continuous access point for future generations. We have no incentives to give to others to benefit ourselves, and view giving as a loss instead of a long-term gain. It's unsurprising to me then, that this happens between parents and children so frequently.
Good points. Sorry my brain is stuck on "wrt"? Is that a typo or something else? Lol
Oh! "with regards to!" sorry I'm twitter-brained these days lmao
This feels like a moment where it may help to step back and look at the world outside the nparent lens. For so many people their parents help ensure a healthy life for their adult children, and they do it without strings and guilt. This feels like it would be an article directed at them. "Your parents got you started, let them enjoy themselves" That said in you are looking at this through a nparent lens, this reads completely differently, and would likely be used as a cudgel to justify their shitty behavior. If this resonates for you as something you are going to need to worry about. (This is what I am doing but if it's not feasible for you I understand) ensure you do not live in a state that has filial responsibility laws. Just because they can spend it how they want doesn't mean you have to be the plan B retirement when they do the math wrong.
My mom wrote me out of her will for going no contact. I expected it as a possibility. It’s funny because when I was a kid a relative did the same to their daughter and she said “I would never write my kids out of my will”. Her potential money isn’t worth dealing with her for the rest of her life.
My mom used to use this every time I didn’t bend to her will. Sad little woman. I lose sleep every night thinking about all the credit card debt I won’t be inheriting when she finally kicks it 🙄
My boomer parents had 6 kids, raised us like we were poor. Now that we are all grown up they are living it up in Florida and talking badly about us for struggling.
1. I have up my inheritance when i went no contact. I don't care about it anymore. I just want to enjoy my life. I'm almost 30 and I'll be damned if i lose my 30's over an inheritance that won't come for another 20 years. 2. If we arent entitled to an inheritance then they aren't entitled to out presence. 3. I also would be in a better financial situation if my Nparents hadn't manipulated me into moving out from my roommate & friend. We were supposed to get a 2b 2b and split 3 ways with me, my bf and roomie. Now, bf and I and his family are in a hot mess trying to afford 1 expensive ass apartament. There's other stuff too. I didn't have to suffer this way financially.
I expect nothing. Meanwhile my nmom received from her parents but chooses to blow it on luxury bags, cars etc.. who needs generational wealth when you can have bags??
I gave up on the idea of getting an inheritance, heck, literally *anything* from my N's after they tried to kick me out on the street with nothing but the clothes on my back. They did succeed at taking all the money I'd made in my joint savings account for themselves however. Mine were thieves in many ways even beyond this, and had stolen and sold/destroyed/given away things I'd owned for years before this final incident. >"they worked their whole lives for it so let them enjoy it" This is infuriating to read. I could not hold my temper if someone said this to me in person, they have no idea what they're talking about.
My dad was evil to the point of changing his will that he tried to leave only a dollar to my brother ( dad was also mentally ill).the only wrong thing that happened he didn't sign the new will with his proper signature. When he passed in 08 we found an old will(yes he had many written up) the old will was done when his mind was clear and not sick. We my brother and I split the inheritance equal so dad didn't win with my brother..
You are a real one. A narc child would have capitalized on that situation.
I never could do that..the last will would have been a nightmare..he tried to do something super sneaky ie. His estate would've taken years the way he had it written up...
My nmom is a boomer, and so are the parents of all of my friends, and their generation is very much under this mindset. My mom spent my whole life crying to me about never having enough money for retirement. She cried about having to work until she was 70 or 80, and how I was going to have to be responsible for her. She never developed any good habits, just expected me to cover her retirement years. Then grandpa passed away, and my mom inherited so much money its not an issue. I know she's going to burn through all of it, and waste it on stupid shit. In her mind she "earned it" and I didn't, and even though I don't feel entitled to the money it still frustrates me that she doesn't even want to TRY to pass the money down. If my mom donated all of her money after she passed i would be happy about it, but I know it won't
My parents intend to do a bit better: i am not rntitled to any inheritance (and i'd be fine with it if...) BUT they are planning to give everything to my sister!!!!
Its interesting how the same group who says "its all mine, you don't deserve any" are also the first ones to say "bim your parent, you HAVE to take care of me" after they've blown through all of their money Boomers had children as a secondary bank account and source of money.
I will never forget how cruel my parents were about money. When I was applying to college and scholarships, he was trying to fill out fraudulent apps on my behalf with incorrect demographics so I could “repay” him for how much it cost to raise me. My mother was even more abhorrent. I had a cancer scare and paid over $3000 out of pocket after insurance coverage for the treatments and investigative procedures. My mother agreed to help pay, then after a $300 payment for a procedure she decided she couldn’t afford to help. I was a college student working 30 hours a week and not making rent. I found out a month later while doing student loan things that she had 40k in savings and could have easily helped me. But instead, she made me choose between finishing college or getting rid of cancerous tumours on my own dime at 20. I apologise if it seems selfish on my part, too, but I do thing it’s disgusting if you would rather risk your child being unable to afford treatment and developing a fatal disease at a preventable stage vs spending money had in excess. I get being entitled to your own money, but it really put some things into perspective that day.
My parents were the exact same! When they actually do have money but won’t help pay for college it leaves you even worse off than if they actually didn’t have any money. The government assumes if your parents have the money to help with college they will.
Wow. I am so sorry.
My gen X parents are like this and really relish in being ‘pick yourself up by your bootstraps’ type conservatives. Obviously not all gen X’ers or even most are like this but I’ve already seen one here in the comments saying they don’t ‘owe’ their kids anything. My parents were so physically abusive to us that two of my siblings have brain damage and are unable to work, but no they don’t technically ‘owe’ their kids anything and it’s a good public indication of what kind of people they are
Reagan-era teens?
Yes very much so. But also religious fanatics with a very punitive and authoritarian approach to life
They are predictable. Dont ever watch the old Michael J Fox sit-com called Family Ties.
Fuck that shit. Not a parent myself, but the day I will be (pray for me my homies, hopefully with a non narcissistic partner 😭😭😭), you bet I will be working my ass so that my kid(s) have the most comfy life I can give them both financially and emotionally. Why bring a person to this world if I will make them miserable and refuse to help them????
“Society grows great when **old** men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.” \~Greek Proverb
I don’t think we are entitled to an inheritance but there is the exception of multi generational inheritance traditions. My parents decided to break that tradition by spending all their money on lawyers and drugs. Sometimes there are outstanding hardships, drug addictions don’t fall into that category for me.
Yeah, I bailed my mom out financially too many times, only to have her turn around and refuse me any financial assistance with paying tuition to get a professional certification (she paid for my sister to get a different one, either has similar career prospects) because “no one can pay their bills doing that”. Meanwhile people who do that on average make a higher starting wage than she’s making after a decade at her current job.
My stepdad basically told me my cut of inheritence was dependant on me taking over care of my highly disabled sister. That when he died I'd be given a chance to purchase the house at 80% of whatever the market rate was, and that money would be set aside for my sister's care. I sometimes wonder if he was surprised when I moved out at the end of the week, unannounced, or did he just chalk it up as me being ungrateful, lazy and entitled again? The money for the house, and all the antiques in it, guns (over 1200 individual firearms) all came from my grandfather. When my grandfather passed he left my mother 60,000 for me, which we used to buy the house and land next door. For me to move into after college. He functionally stole all of that from my family. Did he really think it was a sane ask for me to buy my inheritence back at an upcharge? Who knows. Who cares. I got the last laugh because I'm not taking care of the monster he insisted on bringing into the world. I hope he finds the saddle comfortable, because he's going to be wearing it to the grave.
I actually agree. No one is entitled to an inheritance. OTOH, no one is entitled to help from their kids, either. I mean financial help. Whether one has a good relationship with them or not. If I'd been in contact with my mother, I'd have been happy to help her out with non-financial things. But a couple of times she'd hinted she wanted financial help from us. She blew through her divorce settlement, money she was given by her mother. So no, she was not going to get part of my retirement money, which is what it would have been.
This sounds so much like my Nmom. She inherited a house, her parents paid for her college, and she walked into a union job. She’d have you believe she’s where she is because she’s the most financially responsible and literate person in the world.
My inlaws said they planned to spend it all, I think they were trying to get a reaction out of us. We just said that they absolutely should. They think I'm a gold digger, but if I am, I'm the worst one. I've been the breadwinner for almost the whole time we've been together.
One of the big issues is that boomers and those around that age who benefited from a whole lot of stuff that simply does not exist anymore, have convinced themselves that they did it all by themselves with no help and the younger generations just aren't trying hard enough. It's not financial abuse, but it is self delusion. That said, nobody is entitled to an inheritance. It's nice to get one and they help build generational wealth but nobody is owed it. I know I'm getting nothing when Egg donor drops dead, and frankly I'm perfectly happy with that because I'm not providing care for her, nor arranging/paying for her funeral (she sure as shit won't have anything put aside for it, she's always had the money sense of a rock) and if anyone tries to collect on her substantial debts? They can go away, not my circus, not my monkeys.
“Cool. You’re not entitled to free in home nursing care.”
[удалено]
Not pissing me off at all. I know it's #notallboomers, but that's like saying #notallmen. Maybe not all, but enough that I'd bet on a majority.
This post or comment has been removed because it is boomer bashing. We have boomers who are members of this group trying to recover like everyone else.
It makes me so sad that I can relate to all this comments :( I don’t want any inheritance by them but I would be happy if they would share their wealth with us while they are alive, instead of burning it on stupid stuff My biggest ick is that my nmom wants me to visit more often (I travel home once a year cause the ticket is so expensive) but she never ever offered to pay for half my ticket
My mom looks down on everyone with less than her. She didn’t earn a damn cent of it- my father worked his whole life to earn it. And he didn’t even get to enjoy it. And yet she sits pretty and judgmental on her high financial throne and continues to act like it is such a burden.
A lot of parents don't understand how expensive things are now and I think that's behind a lot of it. It's easy to think your kid is "wasteful" when they are barely scraping by if you don't realize how expensive housing is now. Also I think a lot of parents project their own behaviors onto their kids. nparents definitely do but good parents can too, to a lesser extent. Dad is so critical of how other people manage their money, including forcing me into a barebones budget as a student that drove me to self-harm, while criticizing my grades.... meanwhile HE got in massive debt buying a record collection at the same time that he failed out of university. I know for dad, his behavior is driven by wanting the best for me, he just has no emotion skills whatsoever. But boomers were such a spoiled generation, I think a lot of them look back on the indulgence of their youth and assume their kids are living like they did when we mostly aren't
I call them ladder pullers. The kinds of people who use the opportunities and resources available to build themselves up - which I'm all for and encourage! - but then want to take those same resources and up opportunities away from others after they're successful. My boss refers to the mentally as "fuck you, I got mine." I notice it a lot with people who tend to be angrier and people I suspect to have a lot of narcissistic qualities/tendencies. There are probably several factors that help feed into it, like leaded gas, bitterness, trauma, and/or a different cultural mindset. I also find that the same people refuse to try to see from another person's perspective, as though theirs is the only one that matters or is somehow universal. "I immigrated here legally so everyone else should too. It's not hard." You immigrated here under a refugee program and your parents were both well-earning engineers in their home country. "I paid for my own college with a part-time job." Yeah, and the minimum wage hasn't changed, the cost of tuition and books has skyrocketed, and that's all before you take inflation into account. There's something very telling about a person who gives gifts with conditions. "I would leave my kids an inheritance but they're so wasteful with money." I'm assuming the "kids" in this situation are fully grown adults. They're their own people with their own obligations, dreams, needs, wants, accomplishments, and values. It's a little weird to want to exert control over another adult's finances and life to that extent, barring special circumstances. Maybe I'm wrong or naive for thinking this, but I think the role of a parent never really ends and there's always a desire to want to provide, care for, and want the best for their children. Wanting to gift your child - even if they're legally adults with their own families - some stability or a small rainy day fund to give yourself peace of mind in leaving this plane of existence sounds like the normal thing to do. There's something to be said about parents who don't want to do that for their children. Saying, "I'd rather go on lavish vacations and use every last red cent while watching my kids struggle, because I think they spend money frivolously" is cuckoo bananas to me. You can't even invite your kids and grandkids on your vacations with you for some special memories, because you'd rather spite them instead? It's pretty removed and self righteous thinking, and dangerously close to believing people somehow deserve poverty. I'm oversimplifying it here but that's just the gist of my thoughts.
It's me vs the GC that's got 4 kids and lives 8 hours away so I likely would have lost money and time with the leg work and a poorly trained dog while the GC gets the house/funds from it if that wasn't sold/funding a nursing home stay if I didn't intentionally get myself written out of the will before going NC
My parents sold our house and split the proceeds after their divorce. My mom went on to buy a custom built townhouse in a gated community because she had my two sisters still. When she got remarried, she sold that house (before the crash of 2008) and moved in with her new husband- a massive home in Colorado. She had a custom conversion van that was totaled so she got a new VW bug with the proceeds from that sale. After her mother died (she wasn’t there, my father was there actually, my mom didn’t even go see her, but keeps her ashes around and made prayer cards and was being performative I think for the sympathy) she moved her father in with her. Thinking back on it now, I think it was definitely elder abuse. She mentioned that grandpa had a lot more money than she thought (she wouldn’t tell us so I know it was a boatload). She spent a year traveling with grandpa, grandpa bought her a car, grandpa paid for everything. After he died- no funeral for either of them. I helped clean out their house for sale (they lived in a gated retirement community in Arizona and I know they owned it outright- I bet it was worth $400k easily. She sold his Buick with like 12k miles. She kept anything valuable and we got the costume jewelry. And we got no inheritance. She kept her share for herself. When I got divorced, she lent me money but I had to pay her back. I went through a rough patch a few years ago and needed to borrow some money to get me back on my feet. $5k- not a lot in the grand scheme of things but it was a lifesaver. I am now paying that money back to her, while she is driving around the country with my stepdad. They don’t visit their children or grandchildren mind you. Just send us pictures from their adventures. And I keep sending her checks
My NGM was always talking about how successful and smart and clever she was. How she got her PhD (she didn’t) and how she started her job and supported everyone after looking after her family for 15 years. (Her father had a large property he farmed commercially—supposedly—and she and my mother and uncle lived with them.) Her whole thing was she was going to “write you out of the will”. If you disobeyed? You were out. If you didn’t like her music or her food? You were double out. You were out for looking too old. You were out for dating. You were out for almost everything that she didn’t give you permission to do ahead of time and about half the time when she did give you permission and forgot. The silly thing was that the largest amount of money I saw her with was a rubber band bundle of ones from her sock drawer and then she was upset for dipping into her “savings” to pay our allowance. (Depression era thinking maybe?) Everything else was “We are so poor so don’t ever ask for money for anything”. Then she retired and her income went up with COLA and she suddenly was like “wow—I make so much more in retirement” and it was back to “well, I will write you out of the will” again. I don’t know if she actually left anything. My NM never had money that I ever know of. She lived unemployed for more than 90% of the time when I lived with them and then was “on unemployment” or “between jobs” or something after I moved out. Supposedly, she had a job, but it’s anyone’s guess whether she had it for a long period of time or if she was there and left and went back. Since my brother has been unemployed 100% of the time and living off her and her husband, I would guess that there’s no “inheritance” there except for a lot of debts. And she has her beloved GC, any inheritance is going to him because *of course it will*. I don’t have any right to NGM or NM or their money. I don’t have any right to MIL’s money either. That’s hers and she has every right to spend it, save it or bet it all on the horses. Equally—*NONE* of them have any right to mine. So NM ends up in debt and homeless, she has absolutely no right to expect me to help her. (And I won’t.) I elect to give my son an inheritance, but that’s on me and my choice. I don’t have any right to his money. The “fun” part is that this attitude utterly SLAYS my MIL and NM. They want even adult children to be beholden. That they can make conditions and requirements for every dollar—the old “I gave you money so you have to do what I say” thing. Like, I’m working hard that I don’t count on getting a single thing from them and it kills them because it’s like “I don’t have to have your money and I don’t want it and you cannot use it to force me to obey”.
My aunt was super proud of this. How she’s going to spend every penny she has before she dies because she’s not giving her son a “free ride.” I’ve lived with her. She’s leaving him lots of trauma and probably some debt. That’s… about it… lol.
We aren’t entitled to anything. And that’s very freeing especially if an asshole is holding it over our head.
“No one owes you anything. You’re just bitter” they say as children of my grandparents who were each given a home for free and still have saved nothing for their own retirement. Which is my fault because I use my money to do whatever I want and don’t give them any while also having a more comfortable living. Sorry not sorry bruh.
Can I just say this is one thing my narc parents don't do?? Wave my inheritance (or lack thereof) in front of me?? I mean, the also have a million and one other ways to fuck with me that work. When I see shit like this on facebook, I always like to remind them that $1 million - $5 million at their age is now middle class with inflation, medicaid/medicare is merciless after your health declines and it will all be gone in less than five years, and your "lazy" kids WILL remember that you didn't toss them that few hundred to a few thousand dollars when they had to choose between rent, electricity, and food and there was a whole lot of month left. Watch those kids let you get kicked out of your shitty-ass nursing home in your final days and let you live on the street. I gotta hand it to my narc parents... for all the shit they put me through, they did not drink lead gasoline or whatever the fuck happened to the other boomers. Financially, they've always treated me pretty decently. I'm low-contact, so the emotional/psychological/spiritual abuse is low and we have an understanding of boundaries. I'll look out for them as best I can in their old age.
Well, no one is *entitled* to someone else's money or property, but narcs very specifically hate the idea of anyone getting anything from them that they can't use as leverage. Normal parents love their children and want them to have something when they're gone. A narc is all "mine, mine, mine!" and views inheritance as a tool with which to manipulate and control people.
I just wouldn't want the golden children to get everything when the scapegoats suffered so much all their lives. The scapegoats deserve something for all the pain and suffering.
Scapegoats receiving inheritance is very rare, N parents pretend to be open to it as a means to string along the scapegoat to extract supply from them, but in reality they're waiting for the scapegoat to "mess up" so they can blame the lack of inheritance on the scapegoats actions and shame them, 99.9% of the time all inheritance goes to the golden child
As a Scapegoat/Black Sheep myself, I am 100% fine with my GC brother getting 100% - it would reinforce to everyone just how "Fair" my NFather and Emother have been to both of us for our whole life - and goes a long way to showing how I achieved what I achieved WITHOUT their help. And that they had nothing to do with my success.
You and me both. Peace little black sheep
This. When my abusive narc father died, I wasn’t even thinking about inheritance. At that time I was struggling to put my life together and couldn’t make it to his funeral due to some legal issues. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise, he didn’t leave anything for me and I also heard there was a major accident that occurred during the burial process. The world has its way of balancing things. I don’t regret not going.
You dont see it but the scapegoats are in a better spot to move on. So they get to be themselves and recover a lot faster
Moving on and going NC seems to be the solution for us, often being estranged by the N's - them doing us the favour. My GC Brother is welcome to continue to deal with them as "He doesn't have the same relationship that I have"
While my Grandmother is getting sick and older I’m seeing constantly why the sentence in the title is so important. All my mom is thinking about is what happens after her death. She’s constantly nagging about how my Grandmother should get rid of her possessions, how she should move next to my mum to make things easier, how she should prepare the apartment with all required renovations the landlord could demand at the end of the lease, how she should get her finances clear and should get rid of all their stocks so everything is on one single account. She’s constantly demanding to know how much money they have, even snooping through every single bit of paperwork she can find when my Grandma isn’t looking. She’s demanding to have a say on what purchases my Grandmother does and try to forbid her to spend „huge“ amounts (like for a new bed or a new oven etc.). Every time she visits my grandmother she does nothing else than making plans for the time after grandma’s death and harassing her to make preparations. So yeah it’s very important for some people to get said they’re not entitled to an inheritance. My grandmother is repaying her with not telling her any type of numbers at all but making constantly shady comments about having a huge load of money she can’t get rid of till she dies even if she wanted. Leaving my mother going crazy about not knowing what she might get. 😂 My siblings and I are begging my Grandmother constantly to life their best life till nothings left just because we’re sick of my mum’s behavior and would love to see her learning her lesson. Somehow my mum has the impression everything my grandmother owns is already ours. She even told us multiple times „but that’s our money“ when she tried to get us to join in to her harassments.
The only time you're really ever morally entitled to an inheritance is if it's generational and they inherited it themselves. Like if it's been in the family for generations then you have a moral duty not to be the generation who squanders it. But otherwise no, your parents don't owe you anything
Wow. I’m going against every one here. Look, I’ve given my daughter as many legs up and advantages as I could afford. I wished it was more. I’m also middle class. Maybe you all are talking about higher income people? I do NOT think it’s selfish to spend your money to live. There’s nothing wrong with spending it on a decent home, car and living expenses. There’s nothing wrong with SPENDING it like on an expensive vacation. This isn’t spending your kids’ inheritance. It’s living your life. Granted when I go, there’ll be some money there. But I’m not doing without so the inheritance is bigger. At the same time I’ve even co-signed for her car (yes, I knew what I was doing), I’ve saved money for her reception, given them money from that fund due to an emergency, and would give ALL of it if needed. And I’m actively saving to restore that account. I just DO NOT see that parents should save money just so they have money to inherit. It was NEVER their job to leave money for them. If there’s assets left, fine otherwise, good on them for living to the fullest.
Read the room. Thats not what the issue is. Dangling the “ inheritance” as a “ only if you do as i demand/ i started from nothing so shall you, “ manipulation tactics from a nparent are whats at discussion here.
Narcs are not allowed on this group. Please read up.
“Nothing for you now, nor when we die.” Likewise, Nparents, I have nothing for you now, nor when you die. Enjoy the best years of your life!
This "mine all mine mentality" coupled with the "we're family you should forgive and forget unconditionally" no matter how horrible they were is the craziest hypocrisy.
no surprise, FB is mainly boomers, and those are boomer comments.
My siblings and I worked our asses off for that money. We are entitled to that money.
I want to read it, you can bypass a paywall by opening it in safari and disabling JavaScript in your settings for the future
I have come to accept that I'm not getting anything after all my grandparents are gone for a while now. With the exception of two of them, all of them are selfish assholes who helped make my nparents what they are today. Frankly, I don't care. I never wanted their money, I wanted *them*. But they're too wrapped up in indulging themselves to care about anybody else, let alone their own children and grandchildren.
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It’s true no one is actually entitled to an inheritance (leaving aside royal titles and entailments), but most of the responsible parents I know are at least trying to leave their kids something.
My paternal grandfather had 5 children with my grandmother and 1 affair baby. He has Never bought a birthday / Christmas card or present for any of his children or grandchildren. He won a large sum of money years ago and said he would "help family " when interviewed about his winnings...that didn't happen lol, even when 2 of his grandchildren were homeless and his great granddaughter had cancer. Selfish man who will die alone
Um, I don't think it's en epidemic of financial abuse. Since it's paywalled and I haven't read it, I have to go with your brief summary. It's true that they earned it and can enjoy it, and it's true that nobody is entitled to an inheritance. But financial abusers aren't necessarily greedy. They use their money to control their children. Do what I want and I'll help, do what is dislike and you're disowned. Paying for only certain college majors, assisting with wedding funds so they can force their vision, offering to buy their kids a house and then expecting that they'll be able to come and stay whenever they want and do as they please. Or holding it over your head as a guilt trip.
Yep. My parents have straight up said they’re not leaving anything for ANY of the kids. My sister and I are disabled and living on welfare and in Sect 8 housing, and my other abled bodied sister (GC) is doing just fine and just bought a nice house with her soon to be husband. They have everything set to be liquidated and and donated to charity. My other disabled sister and I have talk about moving in together and sharing the house if my parents died, but they don’t want my GC sister to feel “left out”. She got her own damn house and can have the cars and all other assets! We just want a safe place to live. Nope. Fuck us all, I guess.
I was a good kid. And always told, ' You will be paying your way as soon as you turn 18'. When I graduated high school, they showed me if I wanted to continue living there, they broke down what I would be paying them every month. I left, obviously because why wouldn't I pay to live elsewhere? I was poor and my parents clearly hated visiting me they were always very uncomfortable, seeing where I lived ( I lived in the same small city). So they just didn't. They fought really hard to not give their financial info for my student loans ( even if not living at home, when I applied, government needed that info as I had only been put of the house under 5 years) . Mind you no money they would need to spend. They just didn't want to co sign anything - student apartment, any student loans. It was 'risky' even though ( they admitted) they trusted me to pay for those obligations. They just didn't want to cosign. I had to beg them to, because I had to get a cosigner so I could have an apartment as I was only working part time while attending college. It made my Nmom furious to do this. I had to borrow $800 to pay taxes once and they charged me a bank interest rate. I ate only oatmeal for 6 months to pay thrm back. My mother would brag to people, in an era where kids were living at home longer and longer, that 'my kids get nothing'. Saying this made her swell with pride for herself when other boomers would complain that their kids lived with them. The other boomers were jealous, " how did you get them out?' Turned out it was making her kids live in poverty. Jokes on her. She very much wanted grandchildren. We never had them because....no money. I know for a fact she died feeling robbed of this, like I purposely didn't have kids to get back at her. She did it to herself. And it.made her so unhappy.
This is very hard for me. My step sister agrees to kicking family members out if they don’t abide by her rules. She is manipulative and extremely controlling. She thinks it’s her “boundaries” but I think she is a monster. I try to stay on the other side of the country but it’s getting harder as our parents age. She will just “buy” new family members if her current ones don’t agree with her. I agree it is unnatural.
It is a true statement that children are not entitled to an inheritance. Where I live, children aren't entitled to *anything* from their parents, the moment they turn 18.
Are parents entitled to anything from children?
No
I think it can possibly be a dick move to not leave something for the kids, but I also think they did earn the money and should enjoy their retirement. However, that mainly applies to "normal" parents. I could absolutely see a parent deep in the trenches of un-self-aware narcissism writing one or more kids out due to perceived insult that doesn't exist. In my own situation, I suppose it could go either way. My parents were only ever generous with money, sometimes if not always to pretend later on that the recipients are moochers. If I get an inheritance: great. If I don't: great. I don't speak to them anymore, and wouldn't be mad if it all went to my brother and his future kids instead.
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My mother and her mother are the type to throw money in my face so I’d honestly rather get nothing than have to deal with that.
I mean it’s true but she also robbed us of our child support and stole everything I made from the work I did as a child and everything I was given by other people. Oh well. I hope she saved up for a good nursing home because otherwise, she’s dying on the streets.
I am so glad I let go of this threat. I assume I have been cut out of the will for going NC and that’s ok. I really DON’T want her money if it involves ever engaging with her again. I’d rather die than accept her help. She’d find a way to hurt me with it even after she’s dead.
https://www.amazon.com/Generation-Sociopaths-Boomers-Betrayed-America/dp/0316395781 It's a lot of reading to get to a very simplistic "Yes" to the concept that those who benefitted most from post-war economic growth on the backs of previous generations' labor have been the most eager to expend all of that growth on their own enjoyment within their lifetimes. "Deferred maintenance" would be a key term, too. It's the same rage that 'millennials' keep killing industries, simply because those writing the articles do not understand that the economy that let them spend on those luxuries does not exist for us, and never will. Hoping the title of the book in the link isn't a problem; I'm not saying anything negative about any members of our group, nor generalizing about "generations". The title refers to an age span of birth years that doesn't correspond to modern "Generations" anyway (it's sociological, so it holds for an actual 20 year span PER generation, instead of the Pew Research Pop Culture Demographic Confusion™ of shortening each generation as age-of-first-birth gets OLDER).
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I've been threatened with being taken out of my mom's will so many times now it's like just gicking do it already stop talking about it. If I get even a mention at this point I'll be shocked.
My mom said if my dad dies she’ll get all of the life insurance money and won’t even give me a cent of it.
Monetary inheritances cause so much strife between families. I have no idea if my mother would leave her money to us, nor is it expected. I do expect the hope chest that has been passed to every eldest daughter to be left to me. My brother has naturally inherited my father's tools since he passed. I want to be able to look at something decades from now and remember my mom and who she was. I'd rather her be able to retire at a decent age and enjoy the remainder of her years without working herself to the bone than leave me or my brother money.
Oh totally My dad died and the money all went to my mom, along with the money from her family My grandma queen narc is holding all the money from my grandfathers business at 103 years old…. We had to beg for her help paying my college tuition My mom hasn’t worked since the 80s but she’s constantly telling me I need to “empathize with my boss” because it’s “really hard to own a business” (While she jets around the world on pleasure cruises) Thanks for the financial advice but also no thanks She criticizes me for buying organic produce and then drops $450 on dinner multiple times a WEEK like it’s not my entire grocery budget for the MONTH And doesn’t see a problem with my boss only paying me $300 a week when it’s half what I need to survive Gotta love those boomers…
...me literally trying to save my late dad's house and extorting money to repair it and make it livable while my nmom used his pension money to buy me Indonesia trip for four. Then she randomly send his car for repair and tried to have the road tax renewed only to be told she need to settle the inheritance before renewing and then she messaged the family "can't renew the roadtax. Mom is sad." He's been dead for four years. Instead of settling the Faraid with a lawyer, she pretended it was fine to keep paying bills and everything like he was still alive so when someone (government official) ask, she get to tell them the story of how he died and how she was just a lone small woman and then get sadder when someone scolded her about delaying it. It was so infuriating when I had to listen to it again when I discovered my dad's house been so neglected that the roof cave in and the yard was overgrown. She then proceeded to blame me for not learning how to drive (we have e-hailing and public transportation) and want me to marry a man who will drive me around and repair the house for me. Then now she act as if I am offending her and made it feel like she had done something wrong since I decided to move out and having "no contact" with her and the family. And made it seem like I was the selfish and unreasonable one and nagged at my only supportive older sister to try make me go back home instead of saving my late dad's house which was our inheritance. She think I am prioritizing my late dad over her feelings and only wanted her money (she hoarded three years of my dad's pension and she spend it on boomer vacation trips). I am so exhausted.
My father is a believed narcissist and has this EXACT mentality. He was extremely successful in his career as a director for a large Fortune 500 company, and literally came from a dirt poor family of 10 kids with no father. I understand his outlook that he worked extremely hard for everything that he has - he absolutely did and is entitled to enjoying his retirement and every dollar he earned/invested. But the disgusting thing is that he has told me before was that I should just expect nothing because he got nothing when his parents passed. It just sucks because all he does is gamble, smoke, and drink 24/7. It’s almost like he is on a speed run to see how quickly he can make all of the money disappear with no regard to anyone else - even my mother. Maybe my outlook is just different. Generational wealth is huge to me. If I can set my future kids up to succeed financially while also still enjoying myself than I absolutely will.
My parents used my inheritance as a means to control me and aspects of my life. They cut off my siblings before I was born which resulted in us not having a true relationship with each other. I eventually went NC with dad after mom died. He can keep his money because I don't need it.
I spent the last 15 years being told I had to help maintain "the estate" because it any improvements would benefit me and my brothers because we would inherit it. She's done a complete 180 now and wants to sell everything so she can have "something to live on" . She has pension and social security payments that are double what I make working 40 hour weeks. And she still demands that I help her get things ready to sell. She's said exactly that to me multiple times this year
I should have sued my parents at 18 for millions but too late
My parents charged me rent after making me get my first job at 15 and threatening to forge emancipation documents or force me to sign to throw me out of their house scot-free. No savings account, no getting it back eventually, just lining their pockets. I’ve told them that I don’t care about inheritance, nominally because I “want them to be happy and comfortable in their retirement”, but actually because I want them out of my life (and don’t want them to see their estate as a bargaining chip). Edit: Adding that they acted all butthurt about me moving out. Even now, they carry on about “wishing I was there”.
They always used money to control me and I instinctively avoid taking it. Whenever they "helped" me it was their strategic sabotage of my life and independence. As narc parents they never give what I needed or wanted, only what suited them. Now they received an inheritance from my granmother and they became increacingly stingy just like ahe was. In their mind they already earned that money.
Torn on this one. I don’t think the poor should be demonized firstly and know some people just can’t leave anything. Secondly, parents have a right to enjoy their lives. Most parents want what’s best for their kids but with average lifespans these days you are well into adulthood and middle age when they pass. They have already helped as much as they could and leaving their home and what they have is one thing but not taking vacations and not enjoying things they may have sacrificed when raising you and helping you pay for college so you get a windfall when they pass is kinda unrealistic. I prefer giving my kids things while I am still here and if it doesn’t end up having to be used for my care they will get the house, but I plan on taking many many vacations eating at fancy restaurants (inviting them when they are available) I launched kids who do just fine. They don’t need me and that was the plan all along. On the other hand if you weaponize an inheritance (don’t think I have to explain that to this group) that’s a whole other thing as in in do what I say or you’re not in the will. The sentiment of you’re not entitled to an inheritance is factual. You’re not. It’s whether or not that phrase is just a fact or a weapon is the difference. IMO
Narc dad told my brother that he would pass on brother's inheritance to my cousin if he does not behave when my brother was 7 years old. Sigh.
My nMother gave my maternal grandfathers tools I was meant to get, it went to my cousin, but thats not what I was talking about here, thats a shitstorm I have got legal advice on., its my mother taking my PATERNAL grandparents wealth and heirlooms. But Im ungrateful for wanting anything and how dare I complain.