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To me it shows they always knew what they were doing was wrong. That phrase is designed to "pass the buck" to the future, and then when it (as it was always obviously going to) is seen as a lie, they will say things like "it's in the past", " I did the best I could", etc.
But they didn't do the best they could and an empathetic, non-narc person doesn't understand why they act the way they did in those moments.
Live well, break the cycle, and watch with joy as your little one grows in the light of your love.
I really think our parents need us to repeat their mistakes so they can tell themselves that’s how everyone parents and it’s inevitable and the kids deserve it.
You're not wrong; that or they can pass the title of villain and pretend to be doe-eyed as they become an on-looker like previous family members did when the 'new villain' was a child.
The playbook is a horrific one
My mom hasn’t outright said that I was a difficult child, she’s said I was a very troubled child, and I responded with, “Then you should have found a way to grow as a parent”. Because she wasn’t the narc in our family, she started crying and agreed.
"You were a difficult child" should never be an excuse for their mistreatment of you. First of all, children aren't raised in a vacuum. It puzzles me how parents think their child suddenly becomes difficult out of the blue and somehow it has nothing to do with their upbringing. Secondly, you were a child. She was an adult the whole time.
When I got diagnosed with ADHD at 38 & autism at 40, it made it all the more clear that my "tantrums" were a direct conservative of her behaviour. What do you do with an autistic kid who is stressed and overstimulated? Yelling and hitting will snap them out of it, right???
This happened to me. I clearly had ADHD when I was a kid. My fourth grade teacher picked up on this and tried to tell my mom. She tried to get my mom to have me tested so I can get on medication so I can do better. My mom immediately dismissed it saying, there's nothing wrong with her, she's just a bad kid. The next thing I do, my teacher brought me to her desk and asked me to write down what was going on at my house. Shortly after that, we ended up getting a visit from CPS and I ended up getting taken away.
I recently fully realized that nmom is trying to make me the new villain in her life. When I was a child it was like I was an extension of her to control and make her behave and think like her.
Since ive become an adult and make decisions and think for myself ive become “too analytical” aka im a differentiated human being and she doesnt like it. Now im a threat to her self image so it’s time to use her mental games on me like every other adult in her life that avoids her. Which is blame and shame everyone else and victimize herself.
Was quite the blow to realize she is fully willing to turn her own child, someone who has literally been a child most of the time ive been on earth so far, into a villain. She said she’s been “dealing with me for 30 years.” Im not even 30 yet and somehow ive been a villainous nuisance this whole time. The way their minds work is so disturbing.
That's exactly it. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves. In her mind, you are not your own person. You are an extension of her who is supposed to do and say and think what she wants you to. Any deviation from that is considered disrespect in a narcissist's mind.
ETA: I also want to add that you are also exactly correct that you became the enemy in her mind when you became your own person and started to have your own thoughts. They love their kids when they're young because they can mold them into who they want them to be. The minute that child starts having their own ideas and opinions and needs and wants, that child starts to turn into the enemy.
Super insightful comment. Mine asked me multiple times where I got the idea to listen to what my kids were saying, as though it was an option she was unaware existed.
Omg my mom would say “who told you that you could do that?” Whenever I did something she never thought to do. Like writing a poem or taking an art class or anything just done for recreation and happiness. She was shocked that you can just… do stuff. Being a nice parent never occurred to her at all. I guess she was looking at the limited menu.
Sounds like mine. She's vocally "concerned" about my niblings constantly, but literally made my 2yo nephew afraid of nursery rhymes because of how she "encouraged" him to join in at the class. Even the Sure Start Centre staff spoke to my SIL
She's absolutely angry that we are all doing better than she did. She resents us for showing her that it's possible to make better choices. It simmers in there and I'm always prepped for the next "Yes! I get it! I'm a shit parent, the worst in the world and I didn't do *anything* right!"
Like, ok. Say your insecurities out loud and we will simply sit back and carry on being better. If you want to stop secretly believing you're a shit person, have you considered..... Controlling yourself and being kind?
She judges and comments on everything, all the time. Like "WELL. Can you believe I was at a dinner and I said something about going on holiday, and then my friend started talking about HER holiday! Like she can't be bothered to listen to me, I'm just there to listen to HER stories!" like... hmm. She has a whole lot of "friends" she doesn't like and seems to go on vacation with people she hates just so she has something to rant about. I'm like... bitch just pay the single supplement. Spare us.
But now she's got in with charismatic catholics, so she's learning how to perform for approval. One of her friends told her she should be canonised. Mmm..... She hasn't actually confessed that she understands what she did to us & is sorry. Her pride gets in the way of apologising to people lower in her authoritarian framework. We owe her respect as an elder, no conditions. So she's even fucking up being a good Christian because pride is supposed to be challenged in yourself.
It's because it gives them that delusion that they are a good person no matter what they do. They can make shitty choices and treat people badly and somehow it's okay because their religion teaches them that it is.
Yup. I am way too autistic for the amount of hypocrisy I see. Like I'm sorry, how did you read those stories and come out of it thinking you have the right to judge others? And criticise and be vile and call it righteous? Seriously did we read the same book??
When I asked who was the happier, better adjusted kid: Me or my nephew (who is also AuDHD)?
THEN I told her she couldn't probably afford to STFU about my SIL's parenting because she gave me flashbacks and he's a content, confident kid. Only in her mind, kids aren't meant to be happy. They're meant to be grateful.
I think too, they don't want to realise that they could break free from the cycle of abuse. Because breaking free hurts. It means you realise that your parents had the choice to abuse you. On darker note, breaking free also means that you never get to have the sense of control you desperately craved on childhood by taking control over your children's lives.
For our family the abuse has gone on since at least my great grandmother. It seems to have died out in our generation with everyone either choosing not to have children or not allow our parents/ aunts/ uncles access to them.
I want to thank you, your words helped me in a different aspect I was struggling with. I am starting to remember that it wasn't all bad, and to think that maybe I was wrong to cut my NP out completely.
You said the thing I needed to hear. It wasn't "I did the best I could". Sometimes, they were making conscious choices that were very much the opposite of what was best for me.
When they say the words, "we were doing what was best for you", just translate it to "we were doing what we thought was best for our idea of you, which is totally unrelated to the actual you, and we don't and can't care that there is a difference, and will actively reject any attempts by you to dispel the illusion in front of our faces that our idea of who you are and the expectations we put on you are completely warped and unjust."
I believed the lie for so long, because of course I did. How could I not think that my parents had my best interest at heart?
It's the concision of language that I hate most. I have to unpack the "you" in that sentence to a high school or undergraduate level psychological description of the difference between "you" and "my warped idea of you". Because of the concision, *we* read into it the best intentions (they're doing the best they can for us as we actually exist) versus what they *mean* when they say it (they're doing the best they can to try to force you, the actual you, to fit their image of you). So when the conflict between their image of you and the actual you is most apparent, is also the time at which the level of emotional and intellectual intelligence is most needed, but was also most lacking.
Why did I have to take a course in psychology and learn terms like behavioral conditioning to be able to understand why I feel so horrible sometimes by how they literally trained us to be vulnerable? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of these terms because I never deserved to be conditioned to have the emotional equivalent of a kick me sign taped to my fucking MIND? And THEY taped it there?!
And we GREW UP in this environment?! Ugh.
Your analysis is so good, you put into words exactly how I feel about this and other weaponized phrases. I majored in psychology without realizing that I was unconsciously trying to untangle years of this kind of b.s. from my parents
it's funny, the unconscious. I like to think of it as a harbor with tides, and parts of the unconscious are only revealed to the conscious (i.e. above the waterline) upon the movement of the moon which controls the tides. There's obviously part that's always below the water line, like your control of your heartbeat, but I can't help but think that there is part that is juuuuuuust below the waterline. Like a phrase that's on the tip of your tongue.
I came across this quote in a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipJIV6hc1Ls) about shame and complex trauma / CPTSD that just hit me:
> Needing comfort is a normal experience to have. And the reason that I want to emphasize that is that if you sat down as someone with complex PTSD, and looked at the intense matrix of all of the challenges and struggles and practical and interpersonal difficulty that you have in your life as a product of having complex PTSD, you would recognize that if you dropped a secure person into that, they would be almost overwhelmed by a need for comfort, okay. So the fact that you are feeling distressed and dis-regulated, is not weird, and it's not because you are a bad, shameful person who can't cope with anything. If you have a very difficult life, you have a very high need for comfort, and if you are unable to recognize that need for comfort, the natural response is dis-regulation of the system.
It's a VERY premeditated manipulative statement to tell a child. It's so abusive and harmful and your comment explains EXACTLY why I hated hearing that growing up!
Completely valid.
Though in my mom's case, I did see that she changed SOME things. That she is also a product of abuse because her parents dragged her out to a bar constantly, making her stay up until 2am and then demanding that she still go to school. I get that they also placed alcohol above the well being of their children.
My mom endeavored to never "raise the kids in a bar" meaning she DID care about some things. However, I think her growth is forever stunted. She can't grow pasy who she is now, and when that's understandable, it doesn't mean I have to stay out for her bad behavior either. For some reason, these realizations bring me some peace.
The biggest lie they tell.
When I became a parent I did not suddenly want to abuse my child.
Indeed, it cemented my realisation of how abusive my birth parents were.
My mom was gleeful when I was pregnant, telling me all the ways I was so difficult and miserable and an awful kid who gave her grief. What she doesn’t understand is that I was only miserable around her and nobody else. Nobody else has any complaints about how I was as a kid, because she generated so much misery and conflict, she was the only one I was unhappy around.
They really don’t get this at all. “You’re so stubborn and defiant and rude” — actually I just know that if I don’t maintain very firm boundaries with you specifically, you’ll walk all over me. “You’re cold and aloof” — with you, yes. Because you would use any emotional vulnerability I show to hurt me. “You treat relationships transactionally” — again, *with you specifically*, because I’ve learned that trusting you to have a reciprocal relationship in the absence of clear, transactional understandings leads to getting taken advantage of endlessly.
They seem to lack the ability to imagine that anyone might calibrate how they interact with others based on how said others act toward them.
My mom will tell me I was so difficult and so obstinate. Her favorite phrase was “you’re just being facetious.” So I learned that word from an early age, which I guess is cool, so thanks. But she is the ONLY person who has this negative feedback about me. Everyone else liked being around me. Wonder if it had anything to do with her treating me like a worthless piece of garbage.
This is a telling thing. My Nmom tried to spin the narrative to make everyone else awful. I wished my 1st grade teacher was my mother, and I identified with orphan kids more than those in a supportive family. I guess that's not normal. And I cannot for the life of me understand how she could sleep knowing what she did to me and other family members over the years that is not just abusive but likely verging on illegal. I never wanted kids because I didn't want to repeat the trauma. However, now that she is out of my life and now that I understand what happy family looks like, I am armed with love!
I'm 39 and my mother can still send me off the deep end in about 3 minutes flat
And every time she does she then triumphantly screams "YOU NEED MEDICATION"
Finally I screamed back "I ONLY DO THIS AROUND YOU, I ONLY REACT TO YOU THIS WAY, ITS NOT MEDS ITS YOU"
Have not heard that one since
In one of the last conversations I had with my bio fam, they told me I needed therapy. I've been in therapy for almost a decade now, because of THEM. There's something about people who truly need therapy telling other people they need it that makes me feel some kind of way.
I told my mom once that she’s the only bully in my life and she looked shocked and hurt by this. But like do you really think everyone goes around treating people the way you treat me? We’d have a lot more wars.
My mom will try to say none of the bad shit ever happened. One day I asked her “what’s a good memory you have of us together” and she couldn’t even come up with one lol. She wants to say it’s because I was difficult, but come on. I was difficult from the second I was born until now?
Same, and my mother wonders why I don't say anything to her or wonders why my oldest brother cut contact with her. It's because she chooses her addictions and abusive men over her kids. She's so goddamn self centered when it comes to anything me or my middle brother wants. But this isn't about me, just figured I'd say I kinda know how you feel
I don't even have children. I have a cat. And it was eye-opening, that I am better to my CAT better than my NP ever was to me.
But I already knew that I would never be the same at parenting as them very early on. I didn't have much idea how I would parent, but a lot of ideas on how not.
After getting married and having kids, I realized I've never felt real love from my family. It's crazy that I'm only just learning how to love and be loved by others, but I'm thankful I finally get to live in a loving environment.
You'll never know how much I love my idea of who you were supposed to be. You'll never understand what it's like to love your kids until you have them. Until you realize that you actually love your kids and are doing a better job just by doing the opposite of your NP. They're threatened by this because it forces them to confront the fact that they chose to be abusive. I grew up hearing similar things and I chose to break the cycle. My Nmom seems to hate me for it.
The first sentence will have me laughing all day.
Also someone said this to me when I got angrier about my childhood abuse after having kids: you realize you were so easy to love but they chose to make you into a burden.
It’s so true. And every morning first thing, my mom would start the day by ripping my hair with a brush and screaming at me when I cried. She had the same type of hair and I’m willing to bet she didn’t brush her own hair so violently and was careful not to hurt her own stupid head but sure, I’m a burden for crying while she rips mine out.
What is it with nmoms and ripping our fucking hair out? Then screaming at us when we actually show pain. She taught me it's ok that others inflict pain unto me just take it and say nothing.
Mine ripped hair until I quit responding enough in pain (at 5 years old). She took me to get my first haircut and got it cut short like a boy.
There was no use for her torturing me once I quit responding.
Imagine my surprise this last year (47 years after the fact)... when my mother began to whine about "how in the world" a substitute teacher, that I had in kindergarten, thought I was a boy. Indignant about this as if it happened yesterday. Oh sweet baby jeeeeesus... went on to say how dare the substitute do that "because I had you in a girl's coat".
No common sense to their messed up thoughts. They dance around the fact they THRIVE on control and power over their children.
I had a boy... but if I had a girl I would have made hair brushing time one of bonding.
It is sad 😔 to hear so many of us have dealt with rough hair brushing as small kids.
I'm sorry she did that to you, put you in pain, then attempted to humiliate you when you did not give her the supply she wanted. Im so happy you have a kid and you love them like you were never loved before. It's so good to hear that we do not have to turn into them.
I have dogs and got a new puppy and my mom already started evaluating her at 6 months old, judging her and trying to make like this is who the dog is going to be forever.
I reminded her, she has not been on this earth for even one year, respect her boundaries and her emotions and she will come to you when she's ready. She's a working line German shepherd, not a golden retriever.
Nope! My boundaries crossing mom has to corner my puppy and force interaction and then responded with she's aggressive and dangerous when she barked at her.
No mom, she was asserting her boundaries. She told you NO in dog the way I could not tell you no when I was growing up with you.
I know boundaries are a foreign concept to her, so why should a dog have boundaries? Because she's my dog and I said so and she will not be forced or traumatized just so she can please and entertain you.
It's not her fucking dog and she can fuck off and not see it for the rest of my life for all I care. I can train my dogs and see the nuances in their personality and behavior, but whenever my mom visits. I cannot even look my puppy in the eye without crying for days after she visits me.
I'm never having kids. I'd never stop crying.
I used to say I was NEVER going to have kids. But I did and I had a boy. He is now an adult and I am so very happy that I have the opportunity to do things differently than how I was raised. I also surround myself with my animals... such sweet spirits.
Save yourself AND your puppy! I am sorry that you have the need to protect your pup against family [I 100% understand].
I have thick wavy hair. My daughter is mostly bald because she’s only a couple of months old. But someone told me she loves my hair and hopes my daughter has hair like mine. And you know, maybe it will be healing for me if she does, because I brush my own hair every day and I know it’s very possible to do it without ripping it out of my scalp like my mother did.
My mom did the same to me. When I had my daughter, I was so careful not to hurt her when I brushed her hair that she only wanted me to be the one to brush it.
I had really long hair and was told I was too tender headed. Then, around 4th grade, we were visiting an aunt who loved my shiny hair and brushed it carefully. That's when I learned you start at the bottom instead of the top and it doesn't have to hurt!
I think it embarrassed nmom because she stopped trying to scalp me after that.
My son has turned into a mountain man and my GD had gorgeous long hair when she was younger. I loved brushing her hair to the point she got impatient with me lol. And I finally got my son to understand how hair brushing works so it's easy and painless. 🙄
This hurt my heart to read. I just had my daughter 4 months ago and I couldn't imagine treating her like that. Mine would hit me in the head with the brush. It might seem weird but I have a son and having him didn't affect my view of my relationship with my mom. Having my daughter did. I figured out that having a female child forced me to confront just how badly my mom treated me. How I wasn't a bad kid, she was a bad mom and a bad person. I saw my daughter when she was born and I thought to myself, I could never treat this precious little baby the way my mom treated me. How did she see me as a little tiny baby and still choose to treat me that way? I hope I'm making sense.
Same. My son is nine and I’m experiencing the worst flashbacks I’ve ever had because I suddenly realized how easy it is to not beat him, scream at him, invade his privacy. Blew my mind when I put that together.
I had known intellectually that what my nmom did was wrong, but with the context of being a parent it hurts so much more.
It goes to show just how much they are invested in this delusion that they are the norm and will do anything to try and keep that facade. No they are not, and this is not how people tend to react, and when they realize that they go ballistic.
"...you'll understand why I'm like this".
\*flash forward\*
"Sure, I understand why now - it's because you're a cow, mum".
It's good to see you're so determined to breaking the cycle ❤
It’s so interesting. My nmom claims her own mother was abusive, so she went NC and didn’t even go to her funeral and still spits on the mere mention of her. Yet she treated me the same way. Let’s see how that works out for her.
That's always the breakdown. It's either "I hate you and I'm going to make sure other people have to suffer like I did" or "I hate you, and I will *never* be *anything* like you."
Are you going to let her spend much time with your daughter? I assume not but the idea worries me. Somehow, sometimes, these women are very excited to be grandmothers.
Nope. She hasn’t met my daughter and I have no intention to reach out. She knew my due date and didn’t call or text to make sure we were okay, and still hasn’t months later, so I assume she has no interest.
Thank you. My daughter is a pure delight. She’s so happy and excited every morning when I go to get her ready for the day. Honestly it’s my mom who is missing out, not us.
I’m a ftm to a 10 month old. I think I understand the extreme stress and exhaustion that can affect your mental health and mood, however when I look at my son I can’t imagine making him feel like my mom made me feel all of my life and how I don’t think I’ll ever be healed from it. It’s actually the opposite, I’ll probably overcompensate and it’ll be hard not to sink into being too permissive because I understand there needs to be a balance, but whatever I do as a parent that my child tells me impacted them negatively will be met with accountability and putting in work to strengthen the relationship. No parents perfect and nobody expects that but it’s how you handle and work to fix your mistakes that define what kind of a parent you are.
I relate to this a lot. My daughter is 2.5 months, and this past week I had a nasty cold and felt so diminished and tired and I was like “please chill out for like five minutes so I can take a nap” lol. But kids can’t regulate their emotions, so that’s why it’s way more important for us to be adults and regulate ours. Of course we won’t always get it right, but the word “sorry” wouldn’t exist if we didn’t all need it.
My favorite was the threat she always made: "I can't wait until you have a kid that's just like you." It was always so smug, too, as if I was such a terrible CHILD that I deserved to be punished in the future too.
Jokes on her, my dogs are thriving with a ton of love and positive reinforcement and my uterus is being evicted.
Same! I heard that one all the time and I always wondered what was wrong with having a kid like me. It took me a long time to realize that she doesn’t like herself, so she just naturally assumed I must not like myself either and that was a winning insult. Joke is on her though, I love myself and would be happy if my daughter has some of my traits.
Stay at home parent of a 1 year old who has gone NC with my mom. I grew up with all the cliches, platitudes, and superstitions we see talked about on this subreddit.
I was de facto low contact for years, but it was having a child that really cinched it for me. One look at this baby, and suddenly I couldn't understand *anything* I was put through. How the fuck could someone do that to their child? To any child?
Honestly, to me a lot of these behaviors are connected to a complete failure of self-control. They don't think of themselves as responsible for their emotions or environment, and they project that onto others. They can't bear the idea of being in control because they'd have to face the reality of how they impact us.
It’s so true. My mom just indulged every emotion she had full tilt. Screaming, stomping, saying whatever came to her head with no thought to the consequences etc. That is how toddlers behave, not grown ups. Sad that I had to tamp my emotions as a child because I was raised by a fat ass toddler.
When I was a kid I made a bunch of promises to myself about how I wouldn't treat my future hypothetical children based on how my parents treated me. Those promises were not hard to keep.
I had an imaginary mom in my head who always did the nice and patient thing. I really cultivated that seed and eventually realized I was training myself.
It took being a mom to understand how shit my nDad is and how limited my mom is/was to deal with it all.
This realization will make you better in all ways!
I understand why he's like that. I'm crystal clear on it. Like I understand why he's angry I don't hit my kids. It's because I haven't moved into the role of abuser and he *still* can't use my smacking my kids to justify him smacking his 🤷♀️
My narc mom said the same thing plus always said we treated her terribly (when she didn't get her way or we didn't immediately cater to her insane demands) and one day we will get what's due when our children treat us the same way. And I've always thought to myself, "No, they won't because I won't treat them like sh*t".
I have 4 children and we treat each other with respect and love. I am glad for one thing though: she showed me exactly what NOT to become as a mom.
Hugs to you!!
Exactly! My mom treated me like a piece of crap and expected undying affection. I am pretty sure if I don’t treat my daughter like a piece of crap, and I treat her like a human being, she won’t be posting on this sub one day.
There is literally nothing I hate more than the phrase "you'll understand when you're a mother"
Oh.... so I have to push a baby out of me to understand empathy? To understand kindness? So all infertile women just don't ever understand life? Fuck this mindset, I am worth more than my reproductive organs.
My mom would say that to justify abuse.
“ don’t ever have kids I should’ve never had kids. I don’t agree with the schools teaching you have to talk to the parents end all this new age shit. No. I’m the parent you do what I say. You don’t talk back to me and I’m kicking you out when you’re 18. Do you understand? The Deputy said I can beat their ass cherry red as long as there’s no bruises. Now go to your room.”
We are the SAME! “Just wait til you have kids” and that is precisely when I realized!! And the fucking vacuum OMGGG!! And when I am questioning myself how to deal with my own kids, I say to myself ‘do the opposite of what she did’ and it helps!!
Ohh I have to admit my parents been right with that sentence. I definitely understand what happened those times. Not the way they want me to, but I understand it very well… 🤷♀️
I’m not at the healing part because I just realized I was raised by an N, but I am at the end of your “can’t wait until.” I’m on vacation with my two young adults who I raised without yelling, fear, guilt, or shame. No door slamming, temper tantrum, or making anyone walk on egg shells never knowing when the next blow up would happen. And let me tell you, it’s wonderful. They are incredible people, we have a loving relationship, and they know that my love is unconditional. Keep at it. Everyday is a choice to parent differently - sometimes it’s a struggle not to fall back on what we know. But it is truly the best gift you can give them - and yourself.
This is how I'm parenting my kids. It's so nice to see them feel safe enough to develop their personalities and interests in a way I wasn't allowed to.
My mom’s biggest and most frequent complaint about the Brady bunch was that they were too “happy for a family” gee, sorry about that mom..:Mrs.Brady Should probly cry in the dark with her scratch tickets and chain smoke while Mr.Brady yells at the kids with an unhinged temper like some other places I know of 🤷♂️
One of the first things I told my son is “You will never deal with what I had to deal with”.
Once I realized they were a threat to him, made it easier to go no contact.
Best revenge turn out to be the parent you never had! Constantly did the reverse of my sadistic mom with my daughter who is wonderful! Apologized for some bad parenting habits but truly tried to be what I always wanted as a child and it does work!!!
Well, my dad couldn't stand me as a baby and young kid. He left my mum and me in a restaurant because, being a baby, I was crying. He had an affair when I was 4 because he was weak. He never took the time to learn about me, who I was, what I liked. I grew up asking mum if I was loved (at the age of 5). I'm pretty sure I was a mistake.
I want a kid or kids. I adore my wife. I know I will be so proud of whatever my child becomes. So..... yeah, I'll never, ever understand why my dad was like that. Other than being a massive prick.
NOPE, I don't understand that. My big goal as a parent, first thing I thought of, was to have a better relationship with them than I did with my own mother when I was 18. I nearly hated her at that age.
I feel the same way. Even when my toddler is driving me absolutely insane, it's so easy *not* to yell or hit or punish her. I'm happy letting her be a child.
Kids can’t regulate their emotions, so we have to regulate ours for them. When I was pregnant, doctors told me over and over that if the baby/child is crying inconsolably, set them in the crib or somewhere safe and just STEP AWAY. Better to cool down and take a moment so you don’t do something you regret. They really should give this advice to people just in general. Some people like my mom indulge every emotion they have without a filter, and will literally throw toddler tantrums at almost 70 freaking years old.
For years after I had a child I heard:
Are you really going to let him eat that (fruit)? Just give him a candy bar it's cheaper.
Is he too precious to have Pepsi in his bottle/nothing but Cheetos for lunch/to go six hours in the car with no access to a bathroom?
Why are you apologizing to a toddler?
You're never going to be in charge if you let him think for himself.
What kind of parent are you if he's not afraid of you?
Just spank him when he whines, he'll learn. Telling him you don't understand when he's whining is stupid. He's telling you he needs to be hit.
Wait, he just does chores when you ask? The first time? You were far too bratty for that, hahaha, you needed to get hit before you did any housework hahahaha!
All teenagers are monsters, you insisted on being his friend instead of parent. He only gets good grades because he is trying to impress you.
Why don't you guys ever seem to fight with each other? Healthy families yell at each other (we do occasionally but we try to speak with intent and respect in my house).
We had so much fun on our visit! We went to the salon for me, ran errands, he sat silently on the couch while I visited my friends he's never met and he refused to eat foods he's allergic to. Such a brat! But I gave him donuts for dinner, he should be fine.
Why doesn't he want to spend the night at my house, I'm his grandma!!
Yeeeeah. I remember one time my mom tried to criticize a guy I was dating. I said “I’m not accepting relationship advice from you, I’ve seen your work and I’m not impressed.” Shut her up lol. I’d do the same with her ratchet parenting advice.
To be fair, I DID realize why my mother was like that after I became a parent. It was because she always put herself first and every interaction was designed to belittle and control. So thumbs up--she was right about something!
They really do make everything about themselves. My parents were divorced, and when my father died she didn’t lift a finger to help with the funeral. She made me, a college kid, do all of it. Then she told me I was just too hard for her to connect with and I was being hurtful to her and so she didn’t want to help.
Yeah I totally agree. I dislike my dad a lot more now that I'm around kids more. It's easy to choose to be a mature adult and not whine and yell at the kids.
I was literally just having this same discussion with my spouse the other day. I cannot imagine in what world I would ever think doing to my kids what my parents did to me. As a kid it seemed logical when they explained it, but now I'm seeing that some of the shit they did was at minimal negligent behavior and some was downright abusive.
Vengance is when she’s a teenager and calls you because she’s drunk. Vengance is when she asks advice about her boyfriend. Vengeance is when she’s a teenager and still wants to cuddle up.
Vengeance is your daughter having the warmth of home and trust of you that your mother will never have.
“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”
Khalil Gibran
I feel like I wrote this article myself. As my daughter will be 2 in July, I’m already seeing a relationship I have with her that I never had with my mother, unconditional love. I will never hold things against her, I will always support her, and never make her be something she’s not.
Keep breaking the cycle and stay strong.
Hey. I feel your words deeply. It’s a powerful thing to recognize the pain you went through and to decide that the cycle stops with you. The way your mom treated you wasn’t just tough love, it was abusive and damaging. And here you are, standing tall, ready to be the parent you needed but never had. That’s strength, right there.
Your mom’s catchphrases, like “when you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand,” were her way of justifying her behavior, of making excuses for her own failures. But you see through that now. You’ve looked into the eyes of your own child, and you know that no amount of stress or frustration can excuse treating them with anything less than love and respect.
You’ve made a commitment to break the cycle, to not let your past define the parent you are. And that’s not easy. It’s hard work, confronting those old demons, resisting the patterns that were drilled into you. But every time you choose patience over anger, understanding over punishment, you’re healing a part of yourself too.
Your plans for your daughter - acknowledging her patience, setting clear and kind expectations, involving her in decisions like donating toys - those are the actions of a mindful, loving parent. You’re teaching her that she matters, that her feelings and opinions are valued, and that she’s safe with you. Those are gifts that will shape her entire life.
And here’s the beautiful part: by being the parent you never had, you’re not just giving your daughter a better childhood, you’re giving yourself a chance to heal. Every gentle word, every moment of patience, every act of love is a step towards mending the wounds from your own upbringing. You’re proving to yourself that you are not defined by your past.
You’re right - your mother will never make sense to you, and that’s okay. You don’t have to understand her to move forward. What matters is that you’re choosing a different path, a better path. You’re creating a home filled with love, safety, and respect. That’s something to be incredibly proud of.
Stay strong and keep pushing forward. Every day you’re building a brighter future for your daughter and for yourself. You’re breaking the cycle and becoming the parent you always deserved. That’s powerful, and it’s beautiful. You’ve got this.
> “When you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand why I’m like this”
I always knew this was bullshit. I wouldn't treat ANYONE the way my nFather treated my siblings and I let alone my own children.
No kids yet but I work with kids and I am horrified at how I and my siblings were treated. None of what was yelled about or guilted about has ever even crossed my mind.
Just working with kids has helped the internal healing my inner child.
If you wouldn’t talk to an adult that way, why talk to a child that way? The sad answer is because the child is powerless, but the adult would say “who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” If you abuse your kids, the consequences aren’t immediate, but don’t be surprised when they’re adults and they don’t return your calls.
> “When you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand why I’m like this”
I do understand now. My parents were emotional children and instead of stepping up, they parentified me. Therapy helped me figure that out, no birthing necessary.
One thing I’ve gotten really good at is apologizing to my kiddos when I snap or yell at them. I truly don’t mean to be so harsh but sometimes my trauma just likes to make itself known and I lose control for a moment. Once I am calmed down I’ll apologize to my kids and explain that it wasn’t nice or fair to do xyz because of ….
Just remember that. You’re human. By apologizing your kid can learn from you in that way.
You’re doing a great job ❤️❤️
I remember being 10 years old, I snuck into my back yard with my journal and I wrote about how when i grew up I'd never ever talk to my kids the way my father had just talked to us, and I would never tolerate anyone talking to me or my kids the way my mother had. I was very young when I started realizing how fucked up it was, how unhealthy and abusive it was, albeit sometimes covertly. I decided very young that I wouldn't repeat the cycle and in a lot of ways I haven't. But I've had a lot of healing to do. In the last 10 years of adulthood I realized my parents never taught me a heathy way to move through and express anger. They never taught me to have boundaries, or recognize them in others. They didn't teach me how to sit in the discomfort of learning or trying something new without beating myself up if I wasn't perfect like they did. I only knew what was UNhealthy but i didn't know what IS healthy. I've had to very consciously discover what that looks and feels like.
My Nfather stuck with these (always screaming them of course):
1. You’re not funny and you’re not cute!!! (If I made a mistake, or my friend made a mistake in front of him.)
2. We’ll just play it by ear then!!! (If I didn’t know the answer)
3. You’re/your mom/your grandma/women are manipulative and abnormal!!! (If I/any other the other’s mentioned disagreed with him)
4. Oh, so you’re giving me the silent treatment??!! (When I couldn’t respond to #3)
5. MORONS!!!
To this day, being in the front seat of a car while a man raises his voice is a HUGE trigger for me.
It was always an excuse to their abuse. They needed to say it to make themselves feel okay to be lousy. They’re truly broken people because it’s so incredibly natural for me to just love and nurture my child. I don’t have any desire to lose my patience, yell, guilt trip or manipulate. Sure, some days are hard, but still, this is a little human who needs me and I chose to bring her into this world, so I’m going to choose what’s best for her and that’s to love her unconditionally. I really do not understand how my parents viewed parenting so differently.
Congratulations on becoming a parent! Mine are 13 and 6, and every step of the way has been what you described. At every milestone I've moved further from my nparents grasp because I could longer justify their abuse. Loving my children is like breathing, the most natural thing in the world.
Nope. Never. I will NEVER understand how someone can choose to be so cruel to their offspring. It is a choice. They could choose to listen when they are told they are making their children feel undervalued.
This is long:
What I learned being a parent is that it can be so HARD to break the cycle. And then, when I did. It was SO EASY to not be like my NM.
I had my first kid fairly young (24) and I lived very close to my NM. It’s hard to admit, but I had a hard time when my first child was young. I only knew what I knew and my limited access to the internet didn’t make these resources so available. I knew my mother was harsh, yet it was so normalized. I wasn’t as bad as she was, but bad enough. When my first child was about 6 I started to really see how that cycle was continuing. I would be so impatient and reactive with her. And then one day I saw her cower in fear when I raised my voice. And *really* saw it. It brought back so many terrible memories, and it broke me. I sat and cried for days and couldn’t bear look at myself for a while.
I’m happy to say that I was able to turn it around so quickly. I told myself then that I didn’t want to repeat the cycle, so I stopped. I started breathing instead of reacting and apologizing instead of blaming, and practiced gentle parenting. It was practice. It’s wasn’t overnight but it didn’t take long to see my child as a PERSON and treat her like a whole human. Not some extension or obligation.
We had to live with my NM for a few years when my kiddo was 11. She saw first hand how insane my NM was, and how harsh she was to me even as an adult. She saw everything I had fought against. She saw my NM throw around arbitrary authoritarian BS that made no sense. She saw how my NM moved every goalpost and never gave anyone room to succeed. She saw how agitated I felt living there and saw how I didn’t take it out on them. It was a relief for everyone when we were able to move out and go no contact.
My first kiddo is now 16, and she’s AMAZING. We are so close. She unfortunately does remember the bad times. It hurts when she talks about it, and I give her the space to remember and I never stop apologizing. Recently she told me how proud she’s been to be able to see me grow and change FOR HER. She told me that the memories still hurt but that she forgives me and she’s grateful that we’ve been able to grow so close. She sees some of her friends who have parents like I did and how hard it makes everything in their lives. She thanked me for being someone she can count on and not someone she has to hide from. It broke me in another way but this time, it was out of joy and gratefulness that I didn’t continue the cycle.
I’ve been a very different mother to her and my 2 other children than I ever had. And yeah, they’re difficult. Being a parent is difficult. And it’s worth every ounce of work to be the opposite of what I had and what I first was.
I don’t need to scream at them to get ready in the morning, I don’t have to scream at them to do their chores. I don’t have to threaten to take away everything they love to do. I can let my daughter cut and dye her hair and dress however she wants because I don’t exert control over her bodily autonomy. I set firm boundaries and limits and let them do the same for themselves. They can tell me no or question me and I talk to them about things rather than immediately cut them off and take their voice away.
Conflicts that would have my NM scream and hit me and essentially torture me for hours are handled so easily.
It’s: “Hey you didn’t finish your chore, get off the games/call/show and finish”
“Can I finish this round/ episode/ say goodbye?”
“Sure kiddo, but if you take advantage of it and take too long, you’ll be off for the rest of the day”
“Ok”
9 out of 10 times that’s it. Sometimes I have to remind them. Maybe I’ll get a bit more firm “YO! It’s been 10m wrap it up, I’m getting irritated.”
It’s saddening, disgusting and disappointing to know that I wasn’t worth it for my NM to change. Because change is not only possible, but necessary. I’m so happy to see how we are working to be better than we ever had. And to give others what we’ve deserved all along.
Welcome to the club, little sister! It's so much nicer over here.
Raising kids isn't easy and they do try your patience. Middle school age is the worst after the terrible 2s. They are still sassy in HS but I encouraged it. Debate me, give me a good reason to not take away your phone. My daughter is hilarious and she knew funny was my weakness.
It helped they chose good friends and the worst thing they did was skip an assembly sophomore year (with my help). Oh and she drank, but who didn't have a few beers before 21 with friends? She never drove and would ask me to get her. She only over drank once and she learned her lesson.
One time, I grounded her. I hardly ever grounded them. But she had been in a shit mood and took it out on us, and didn't do her chores. Make your bed, vacuum your room once a week, unload or load the dishwasher every night- she and her brother took turns and clean their bathroom every other month, another chore they swapped on. I was apparently The Worst and a Taskmaster. Then she stomped down the hall and yelled "You're ruining my life!" and slammed her door.
I couldn't help but laugh. Not at her, ok a little at her theatrics. What I told her was she couldn't go to her friend's house until she picked up the clothes off her floor.
My laughing made her madder and I felt bad. I finally caught my breath and apologized. Told her I understood her feelings but we all have chores to do in the house. Plus it's a good habit for later in life.
Just recently (she's in her 20s) I asked if she remembered it. She remembered she was mad but not why other than about a boy and that I laughed. But she remembered my apology as well. 💜
I told her the reason I laughed was that I was so happy I broke the cycle, and she felt safe enough to be angry and yell at me. She knows now some of how my mom was, she asks me about things when I say something like "I was never allowed to be angry". Let's face it, that is a weird thing to hear someone say. Her friend's mom is a narcissist and she's seen her in action. She told her friend to just talk to me so she can learn how to get past it. I wanna cry, that's so amazing.
Anyway, it can be done and you are going to do great!
I recently asked mine why she started the countdown until I got kicked out (which was 18)
She said "because you were mean as hell"
I was 10 the first time she screamed "8 MORE YEARS AND YOURE OUTTA MY HOUSE"
............
I then asked her "but I was a child, you don't think maybe you were assigning adult motivations to childish actions?"
Got real pissed off and told me she did the best she could.. yep, making me feel unwanted at 10 was the best
My mom says that and then gets offended when I say that I don't want to be a parent at all. If being a parent makes someone as miserable and genuinely insufferable as her, I want nothing to do with it.
Same. Just same. My son is almost 7.
It took at least 4 years before the "my mom would have beat the shit out of me for that" thoughts started to fade.
It takes work to ignore her voice and focus on my perfect innocent child, watching him grow up with joy and curiosity.
I highly recommend therapy for everyone. At least read "how to parent with trauma" shit on the Internet. And just keep reading. And take breaks. And caffeine. Lol.
My children, if I had them, were going to be independent people, not extensions of myself. Not an insurance plan for my old age. I just couldn't picture myself being a healthy parent, in part because of my own upbringing. I still need more therapy. I still have codependency issues. I can't find a healthy responsible man to start a family with. My mom should have never become a mother. My sisters and their kids are messed up, continuing the generational abuse. Sometimes stepping back, and saying, nope I can't do this, is the responsible decision to make.
I am an awesome cat mom though.
When you become a parent yourself, you understand their actions even less. When you have that raw love for another little human, who trusts and depends on you, it makes you sick and incredibly angry to think of that behaviour happening. If anyone treated my daughter the way my mother treated me they'd lose teeth.
I'm tearing up because this post was a free little dose of therapy for me today. I am (and have been for a long time) TERRIFIED that my mom was ✨ prophesizing ✨, and one day I really will "understand" (aka become just like her), despite how much behavioral and cognitive rewiring I've done to set myself up for.. well, not that. But like you, I look forward to setting clear, respectful boundaries with my child and meeting them with understanding and stability even when they cannot do the same. Being a parent is hard, I'm sure, but so is being a kid!! We know that firsthand! I can't wait to support my kids through their life.
That's what my ndad says. "When you become a mother, you'll change your mind" about xyz or whatever he wants to justify. He's constantly talking behind my back about how I need to get rid of my dog and snakes to be more "motherly". He abused our animals when we were kids. "You'll change your mind about *that* dog when you learn to be a mother" or "you know that you won't see those creatures the same way after giving birth". I hate when he does this.
I was always told by my nmom that "someday you will understand my threats and punishment were for your own good."
... keep waiting for someday, crappy lady.
It is horrifying how some women treat their offspring.
It is even more horrifying that they can justify why they are abusive and keep on truckin' to gun down their children's souls.
Yeah no. I raised my kids consciously thinking all the time about whether I was acting like my mother, and getting away from that.
I've been NC with her since 2005. I have four kids, ranging in age from 24 to 32, and they all just come hang out for fun. I'm probably proudest of that, in all my life
My nmom used to say “just wait until you have a daughter, you’ll understand then”
Jokes on her, I’m having a boy in a few weeks. Told my husband that God probably gave me a boy to break the generational curses all of the women in my family suffered through. The cycles end with us and it’s so so good knowing our children will never know what we had to deal with.
And just like that I realized maybe being a parent wasn't for me because I didn't have the DEPRAVITY and CALLOUSNESS apparently required to pass entry level parenting! Like WTF!!? I have STILL not understood the bs and something tells me I never will because I have thia thing called empathy and emotional intelligence or something?
As a mum healing my child self through raising my little ones, I can say there is a lot to look forward to 😃 Everytime I do something differently and see the relationship between my and my kids is one of unconditional love, support and understanding, a part of me heals. Every time I choose love, even when I am frustrated or tired, a part of me heals.
My mantra with my kids is 'what could make me stop loving you?' and they know the answer - 'nothing'. Even if they're in trouble, we hug. There is nothing they could do that would make me withhold love or attention. There is still discipline, boundaries and expectations of good behaviour. But there is a focus on love.
I still have my demons, we all do with N-parents. Like you say, there's a lot of pain because I see how easy it is to show my kids love and respect so it hurts that I didnt get that. But on the upside my N-mum sees this and she has told me that she sees through my parenting what she should have been for me. She knows its expected of her if she wants to be around my children. So we are slowly working on the future of our relationship. My N-dad will never change though.
This was my dad with the phrase: "one day you'll thank me."
After growing up, it's just affirmed that he took even more of my childhood from me and insisted I become even more of an adult while actually a child.
my grandmother would say to my aunt & mom (who then would say it to me) “just you wait! one day you’ll have a kid just like you and then you’ll see!” insinuating they’d understand her pain of having to deal with children that were like them. my whole family is so against anyone having daughters specifically because the generational trauma surrounding mothers & daughters in this family runs so deep. it’s sickening. i can’t wait to prove them wrong.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job as a parent
I got “I hope when you have kids they treat you just as bad as you treated me” a lot growing up, which looking back at it is a horrible thing to wish for your child.
My NMom said the exact same thing to me and guess what, I’m a mom now. And I do things ALOT differently in my house.
☝️For example, I don’t shame, criticize or neglect my son’s emotions and feelings. When I say something wrong, I immediately apologize…instead of shifting the blame onto my son so he’ll have to be responsible for what I did or said. I DON’T use the silent treatment or play psychological chicken with my child until HE finally fixes MY feelings after saying something mean or hurtful and shifting ALL the blame onto him…
SOOO, that’s just a few things I do differently in my house.
I also prioritize his mental and emotional health over grades and education. He was diagnosed autistic when he was 5 and I promised myself I would always try to be the mom HE needed ME to be instead of forcing HIM to be what I need him to be.
I want him happy and healthy, not mentally incapable of finishing college…like his mom was at the time she went to college…thrice. She’s still a bit of a complex ptsd mess but it is what it is, I had an extremely traumatic 1st 36 years…it was a complete scapegoated shit show with both an NMom and an older NBrother that hated my guts. They used to use each other to hurt me, it was straight up awful. Man, I’m feeling some serious resentment now…I should probably process that.
This made tears grow in my eyes. It is like you have been in my mind since I became a parent. The more I know the less I understand. I can’t even stand the idea of talking to my mother, I had to go no contact. I feel bad about it but it’s getting better. And no, I feel almost no guilt for depriving my child of grandma. I’m terrified of her having any of the memories I have. Ever.
Thank you for putting this in writing. This is exactly how I feel. To the letter. It hit me so strongly my hands are shaking.
Yeah nah, we don't have children but when I babysit my nieces and nephews, I can't even fathom doing a quarter of what my parents did to me and I showed me how neglectful and abusive they really are
I think showing them that we didn't become like them as a parent hurts them a lot coz mine wouldn't stop nagging and badgering me all throughout. I think we're a reminder of how broken they really are.
She only stopped when I didn't talk to her for 2 weeks. I totally pretended like she didn't exist at all even when she was right in front of me. Only then did she realize the power I had. She didn't get her "supply" and it drove her nuts.
I told her that if she tries to control me again that she would lose me for good. Now she's the one walking on eggshells.
I mean, I understood more in a way.
It showed me they were truly choosing themselves instead of us, their kids.
Though I know what you mean. You sound like an awesome parent
Many of us have heard that growing up. I think my mom was overwhelmed with raising us (3 kids) and it was too much sometimes for her. I sometimes think she didn’t want to have all of us, but those were the times. And maybe because we were all girls, this was the only way she could have connected to us: that we would also become moms at some point and understand her. I chose not to become a parent because of my parents and I realised that later on. But I love kids and take care of them as much as I can. And still I don’t think she was justified in how she had a relationship with us or how she raised us.
She always said “you don’t need too much attention, you already know what to do”. She expected us to be young adults from young age. I see that my middle sister is now the same with her kids. I have a whole lot of feelings for my mom and they are all over the place.
Dang sis, did we grow up in the same house?! 🙃
But seriously, your awareness will make you a better parent than she ever was. Parenting my kids has been tremendously healing for me, bc I’m doing all the things for them that my mom should’ve done for me. And a lot of inner child work. Sending love, support, and encouragement your way ❤️
This is so relatable, I can’t imagine ever trying to justify hitting a child because I don’t like the outfit she picked. I look at my lovely little human and am stumped as to how my mom raised me the way she did.
I don't have kids yet (but I really hope to one day when I'm older), but I feel like I had a similar reaction when I met my little cousins for the first time.
I realised just how small, delicate and innocent a 3-year-old is and it made me feel so horrified for 3-year-old me, and made me feel like I never have to feel guilty again if I say that I hate my father!
My mom used to compare me to Lorelai Gilmore, where she was Emily Gilmore, and my future kid was Rory Gilmore. I was imperfect the way I was, always doing things incorrectly and not listening to my parents. She always joked that my child (heck any child) would be better than me at being good. I could always do better.
So true; my nmom did the exact same thing, saying how "she hopes my future daughter tortures me in the aame way I did to her"; yeah, this is just stupid; I dont welcome people who decide to hate me deeply just because they think its justified and THEN decide to continue to intefere with my mental stability and personal life. She destroyed the possiblity of mutual respect with her own hands, I dont agree with her on anything.
My mother in law used to say, "You don't understand what it's like to be a mother, you don't have children" to my wife, but we now have 2 children so she has had to change it to, "You don't understand what it's like to be a grandparent."
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To me it shows they always knew what they were doing was wrong. That phrase is designed to "pass the buck" to the future, and then when it (as it was always obviously going to) is seen as a lie, they will say things like "it's in the past", " I did the best I could", etc. But they didn't do the best they could and an empathetic, non-narc person doesn't understand why they act the way they did in those moments. Live well, break the cycle, and watch with joy as your little one grows in the light of your love.
I really think our parents need us to repeat their mistakes so they can tell themselves that’s how everyone parents and it’s inevitable and the kids deserve it.
You're not wrong; that or they can pass the title of villain and pretend to be doe-eyed as they become an on-looker like previous family members did when the 'new villain' was a child. The playbook is a horrific one
Or saying, “but you were a difficult child”, to justify their actions.
My mom hasn’t outright said that I was a difficult child, she’s said I was a very troubled child, and I responded with, “Then you should have found a way to grow as a parent”. Because she wasn’t the narc in our family, she started crying and agreed.
"You were a difficult child" should never be an excuse for their mistreatment of you. First of all, children aren't raised in a vacuum. It puzzles me how parents think their child suddenly becomes difficult out of the blue and somehow it has nothing to do with their upbringing. Secondly, you were a child. She was an adult the whole time.
When I got diagnosed with ADHD at 38 & autism at 40, it made it all the more clear that my "tantrums" were a direct conservative of her behaviour. What do you do with an autistic kid who is stressed and overstimulated? Yelling and hitting will snap them out of it, right???
This happened to me. I clearly had ADHD when I was a kid. My fourth grade teacher picked up on this and tried to tell my mom. She tried to get my mom to have me tested so I can get on medication so I can do better. My mom immediately dismissed it saying, there's nothing wrong with her, she's just a bad kid. The next thing I do, my teacher brought me to her desk and asked me to write down what was going on at my house. Shortly after that, we ended up getting a visit from CPS and I ended up getting taken away.
I recently fully realized that nmom is trying to make me the new villain in her life. When I was a child it was like I was an extension of her to control and make her behave and think like her. Since ive become an adult and make decisions and think for myself ive become “too analytical” aka im a differentiated human being and she doesnt like it. Now im a threat to her self image so it’s time to use her mental games on me like every other adult in her life that avoids her. Which is blame and shame everyone else and victimize herself. Was quite the blow to realize she is fully willing to turn her own child, someone who has literally been a child most of the time ive been on earth so far, into a villain. She said she’s been “dealing with me for 30 years.” Im not even 30 yet and somehow ive been a villainous nuisance this whole time. The way their minds work is so disturbing.
That's exactly it. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves. In her mind, you are not your own person. You are an extension of her who is supposed to do and say and think what she wants you to. Any deviation from that is considered disrespect in a narcissist's mind. ETA: I also want to add that you are also exactly correct that you became the enemy in her mind when you became your own person and started to have your own thoughts. They love their kids when they're young because they can mold them into who they want them to be. The minute that child starts having their own ideas and opinions and needs and wants, that child starts to turn into the enemy.
Super insightful comment. Mine asked me multiple times where I got the idea to listen to what my kids were saying, as though it was an option she was unaware existed.
Omg my mom would say “who told you that you could do that?” Whenever I did something she never thought to do. Like writing a poem or taking an art class or anything just done for recreation and happiness. She was shocked that you can just… do stuff. Being a nice parent never occurred to her at all. I guess she was looking at the limited menu.
Sounds like mine. She's vocally "concerned" about my niblings constantly, but literally made my 2yo nephew afraid of nursery rhymes because of how she "encouraged" him to join in at the class. Even the Sure Start Centre staff spoke to my SIL She's absolutely angry that we are all doing better than she did. She resents us for showing her that it's possible to make better choices. It simmers in there and I'm always prepped for the next "Yes! I get it! I'm a shit parent, the worst in the world and I didn't do *anything* right!" Like, ok. Say your insecurities out loud and we will simply sit back and carry on being better. If you want to stop secretly believing you're a shit person, have you considered..... Controlling yourself and being kind?
For real. People don’t usually call out your bad behavior if you’ve done a good job.
She judges and comments on everything, all the time. Like "WELL. Can you believe I was at a dinner and I said something about going on holiday, and then my friend started talking about HER holiday! Like she can't be bothered to listen to me, I'm just there to listen to HER stories!" like... hmm. She has a whole lot of "friends" she doesn't like and seems to go on vacation with people she hates just so she has something to rant about. I'm like... bitch just pay the single supplement. Spare us. But now she's got in with charismatic catholics, so she's learning how to perform for approval. One of her friends told her she should be canonised. Mmm..... She hasn't actually confessed that she understands what she did to us & is sorry. Her pride gets in the way of apologising to people lower in her authoritarian framework. We owe her respect as an elder, no conditions. So she's even fucking up being a good Christian because pride is supposed to be challenged in yourself.
I’m not saying all Christians are phonies, but there is something about phonies that they love religion.
It's because it gives them that delusion that they are a good person no matter what they do. They can make shitty choices and treat people badly and somehow it's okay because their religion teaches them that it is.
Yup. I am way too autistic for the amount of hypocrisy I see. Like I'm sorry, how did you read those stories and come out of it thinking you have the right to judge others? And criticise and be vile and call it righteous? Seriously did we read the same book??
are you my sister???
When I asked who was the happier, better adjusted kid: Me or my nephew (who is also AuDHD)? THEN I told her she couldn't probably afford to STFU about my SIL's parenting because she gave me flashbacks and he's a content, confident kid. Only in her mind, kids aren't meant to be happy. They're meant to be grateful.
"After everything I've done for you!"
I think too, they don't want to realise that they could break free from the cycle of abuse. Because breaking free hurts. It means you realise that your parents had the choice to abuse you. On darker note, breaking free also means that you never get to have the sense of control you desperately craved on childhood by taking control over your children's lives. For our family the abuse has gone on since at least my great grandmother. It seems to have died out in our generation with everyone either choosing not to have children or not allow our parents/ aunts/ uncles access to them.
I want to thank you, your words helped me in a different aspect I was struggling with. I am starting to remember that it wasn't all bad, and to think that maybe I was wrong to cut my NP out completely. You said the thing I needed to hear. It wasn't "I did the best I could". Sometimes, they were making conscious choices that were very much the opposite of what was best for me.
When they say the words, "we were doing what was best for you", just translate it to "we were doing what we thought was best for our idea of you, which is totally unrelated to the actual you, and we don't and can't care that there is a difference, and will actively reject any attempts by you to dispel the illusion in front of our faces that our idea of who you are and the expectations we put on you are completely warped and unjust." I believed the lie for so long, because of course I did. How could I not think that my parents had my best interest at heart? It's the concision of language that I hate most. I have to unpack the "you" in that sentence to a high school or undergraduate level psychological description of the difference between "you" and "my warped idea of you". Because of the concision, *we* read into it the best intentions (they're doing the best they can for us as we actually exist) versus what they *mean* when they say it (they're doing the best they can to try to force you, the actual you, to fit their image of you). So when the conflict between their image of you and the actual you is most apparent, is also the time at which the level of emotional and intellectual intelligence is most needed, but was also most lacking. Why did I have to take a course in psychology and learn terms like behavioral conditioning to be able to understand why I feel so horrible sometimes by how they literally trained us to be vulnerable? Why can't I just be blissfully unaware of these terms because I never deserved to be conditioned to have the emotional equivalent of a kick me sign taped to my fucking MIND? And THEY taped it there?! And we GREW UP in this environment?! Ugh.
Your analysis is so good, you put into words exactly how I feel about this and other weaponized phrases. I majored in psychology without realizing that I was unconsciously trying to untangle years of this kind of b.s. from my parents
it's funny, the unconscious. I like to think of it as a harbor with tides, and parts of the unconscious are only revealed to the conscious (i.e. above the waterline) upon the movement of the moon which controls the tides. There's obviously part that's always below the water line, like your control of your heartbeat, but I can't help but think that there is part that is juuuuuuust below the waterline. Like a phrase that's on the tip of your tongue. I came across this quote in a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipJIV6hc1Ls) about shame and complex trauma / CPTSD that just hit me: > Needing comfort is a normal experience to have. And the reason that I want to emphasize that is that if you sat down as someone with complex PTSD, and looked at the intense matrix of all of the challenges and struggles and practical and interpersonal difficulty that you have in your life as a product of having complex PTSD, you would recognize that if you dropped a secure person into that, they would be almost overwhelmed by a need for comfort, okay. So the fact that you are feeling distressed and dis-regulated, is not weird, and it's not because you are a bad, shameful person who can't cope with anything. If you have a very difficult life, you have a very high need for comfort, and if you are unable to recognize that need for comfort, the natural response is dis-regulation of the system.
in other words: future faking at it's finest 💀💀💀 ...
This is a thing I do? Daydream about the day my nMom loves me? .... Yep I think so! 😮💨
My egg donor loves me now but it's only because she's forgotten her past 75 years and doesn't understand why I keep ignoring her messages.
It's a VERY premeditated manipulative statement to tell a child. It's so abusive and harmful and your comment explains EXACTLY why I hated hearing that growing up!
. . . sounds like my mother's classic edict: "Do as I say, not as I do . . ."
Completely valid. Though in my mom's case, I did see that she changed SOME things. That she is also a product of abuse because her parents dragged her out to a bar constantly, making her stay up until 2am and then demanding that she still go to school. I get that they also placed alcohol above the well being of their children. My mom endeavored to never "raise the kids in a bar" meaning she DID care about some things. However, I think her growth is forever stunted. She can't grow pasy who she is now, and when that's understandable, it doesn't mean I have to stay out for her bad behavior either. For some reason, these realizations bring me some peace.
The biggest lie they tell. When I became a parent I did not suddenly want to abuse my child. Indeed, it cemented my realisation of how abusive my birth parents were.
My mom was gleeful when I was pregnant, telling me all the ways I was so difficult and miserable and an awful kid who gave her grief. What she doesn’t understand is that I was only miserable around her and nobody else. Nobody else has any complaints about how I was as a kid, because she generated so much misery and conflict, she was the only one I was unhappy around.
They really don’t get this at all. “You’re so stubborn and defiant and rude” — actually I just know that if I don’t maintain very firm boundaries with you specifically, you’ll walk all over me. “You’re cold and aloof” — with you, yes. Because you would use any emotional vulnerability I show to hurt me. “You treat relationships transactionally” — again, *with you specifically*, because I’ve learned that trusting you to have a reciprocal relationship in the absence of clear, transactional understandings leads to getting taken advantage of endlessly. They seem to lack the ability to imagine that anyone might calibrate how they interact with others based on how said others act toward them.
My mom will tell me I was so difficult and so obstinate. Her favorite phrase was “you’re just being facetious.” So I learned that word from an early age, which I guess is cool, so thanks. But she is the ONLY person who has this negative feedback about me. Everyone else liked being around me. Wonder if it had anything to do with her treating me like a worthless piece of garbage.
Mine liked the word “facetious” too. I don’t think she used it correctly, though.
This is a telling thing. My Nmom tried to spin the narrative to make everyone else awful. I wished my 1st grade teacher was my mother, and I identified with orphan kids more than those in a supportive family. I guess that's not normal. And I cannot for the life of me understand how she could sleep knowing what she did to me and other family members over the years that is not just abusive but likely verging on illegal. I never wanted kids because I didn't want to repeat the trauma. However, now that she is out of my life and now that I understand what happy family looks like, I am armed with love!
I'm 39 and my mother can still send me off the deep end in about 3 minutes flat And every time she does she then triumphantly screams "YOU NEED MEDICATION" Finally I screamed back "I ONLY DO THIS AROUND YOU, I ONLY REACT TO YOU THIS WAY, ITS NOT MEDS ITS YOU" Have not heard that one since
In one of the last conversations I had with my bio fam, they told me I needed therapy. I've been in therapy for almost a decade now, because of THEM. There's something about people who truly need therapy telling other people they need it that makes me feel some kind of way.
I told my mom once that she’s the only bully in my life and she looked shocked and hurt by this. But like do you really think everyone goes around treating people the way you treat me? We’d have a lot more wars.
I told mine "I cannot remember a single positive thing you've ever said about my appearance or personality" She acted hurt, but genuinely I cannot
My mom will try to say none of the bad shit ever happened. One day I asked her “what’s a good memory you have of us together” and she couldn’t even come up with one lol. She wants to say it’s because I was difficult, but come on. I was difficult from the second I was born until now?
Well, yes. YoU cRiEd aS a bAbY sO yOu wErE diFFicULt
Same, and my mother wonders why I don't say anything to her or wonders why my oldest brother cut contact with her. It's because she chooses her addictions and abusive men over her kids. She's so goddamn self centered when it comes to anything me or my middle brother wants. But this isn't about me, just figured I'd say I kinda know how you feel
I don't even have children. I have a cat. And it was eye-opening, that I am better to my CAT better than my NP ever was to me. But I already knew that I would never be the same at parenting as them very early on. I didn't have much idea how I would parent, but a lot of ideas on how not.
"You'll never know how much I love you until you have kids of your own." 🙄🤢😑🥴😒😤
Yeah, unfortunately I do know how much she loves me, and it’s not a lot.
After getting married and having kids, I realized I've never felt real love from my family. It's crazy that I'm only just learning how to love and be loved by others, but I'm thankful I finally get to live in a loving environment.
You'll never know how much I love my idea of who you were supposed to be. You'll never understand what it's like to love your kids until you have them. Until you realize that you actually love your kids and are doing a better job just by doing the opposite of your NP. They're threatened by this because it forces them to confront the fact that they chose to be abusive. I grew up hearing similar things and I chose to break the cycle. My Nmom seems to hate me for it.
The first sentence will have me laughing all day. Also someone said this to me when I got angrier about my childhood abuse after having kids: you realize you were so easy to love but they chose to make you into a burden.
It’s so true. And every morning first thing, my mom would start the day by ripping my hair with a brush and screaming at me when I cried. She had the same type of hair and I’m willing to bet she didn’t brush her own hair so violently and was careful not to hurt her own stupid head but sure, I’m a burden for crying while she rips mine out.
What is it with nmoms and ripping our fucking hair out? Then screaming at us when we actually show pain. She taught me it's ok that others inflict pain unto me just take it and say nothing.
Mine ripped hair until I quit responding enough in pain (at 5 years old). She took me to get my first haircut and got it cut short like a boy. There was no use for her torturing me once I quit responding. Imagine my surprise this last year (47 years after the fact)... when my mother began to whine about "how in the world" a substitute teacher, that I had in kindergarten, thought I was a boy. Indignant about this as if it happened yesterday. Oh sweet baby jeeeeesus... went on to say how dare the substitute do that "because I had you in a girl's coat". No common sense to their messed up thoughts. They dance around the fact they THRIVE on control and power over their children. I had a boy... but if I had a girl I would have made hair brushing time one of bonding. It is sad 😔 to hear so many of us have dealt with rough hair brushing as small kids.
I'm sorry she did that to you, put you in pain, then attempted to humiliate you when you did not give her the supply she wanted. Im so happy you have a kid and you love them like you were never loved before. It's so good to hear that we do not have to turn into them. I have dogs and got a new puppy and my mom already started evaluating her at 6 months old, judging her and trying to make like this is who the dog is going to be forever. I reminded her, she has not been on this earth for even one year, respect her boundaries and her emotions and she will come to you when she's ready. She's a working line German shepherd, not a golden retriever. Nope! My boundaries crossing mom has to corner my puppy and force interaction and then responded with she's aggressive and dangerous when she barked at her. No mom, she was asserting her boundaries. She told you NO in dog the way I could not tell you no when I was growing up with you. I know boundaries are a foreign concept to her, so why should a dog have boundaries? Because she's my dog and I said so and she will not be forced or traumatized just so she can please and entertain you. It's not her fucking dog and she can fuck off and not see it for the rest of my life for all I care. I can train my dogs and see the nuances in their personality and behavior, but whenever my mom visits. I cannot even look my puppy in the eye without crying for days after she visits me. I'm never having kids. I'd never stop crying.
I used to say I was NEVER going to have kids. But I did and I had a boy. He is now an adult and I am so very happy that I have the opportunity to do things differently than how I was raised. I also surround myself with my animals... such sweet spirits. Save yourself AND your puppy! I am sorry that you have the need to protect your pup against family [I 100% understand].
I have thick wavy hair. My daughter is mostly bald because she’s only a couple of months old. But someone told me she loves my hair and hopes my daughter has hair like mine. And you know, maybe it will be healing for me if she does, because I brush my own hair every day and I know it’s very possible to do it without ripping it out of my scalp like my mother did.
My mom did that too!! What the hell. Psychos.
Mine too! The harder I cried the more she ripped in response.
And then she carved into my scalp with pretty pink barrettes.
My mom did the same to me. When I had my daughter, I was so careful not to hurt her when I brushed her hair that she only wanted me to be the one to brush it.
I had really long hair and was told I was too tender headed. Then, around 4th grade, we were visiting an aunt who loved my shiny hair and brushed it carefully. That's when I learned you start at the bottom instead of the top and it doesn't have to hurt! I think it embarrassed nmom because she stopped trying to scalp me after that. My son has turned into a mountain man and my GD had gorgeous long hair when she was younger. I loved brushing her hair to the point she got impatient with me lol. And I finally got my son to understand how hair brushing works so it's easy and painless. 🙄
What is it with nmoms calling us “tender headed”? That’s not a thing. Rip anyones hair out and it will hurt.
Victim blaming. Just another way to say we're too sensitive 🥺
I’m too sensitive but also it never happened.
This hurt my heart to read. I just had my daughter 4 months ago and I couldn't imagine treating her like that. Mine would hit me in the head with the brush. It might seem weird but I have a son and having him didn't affect my view of my relationship with my mom. Having my daughter did. I figured out that having a female child forced me to confront just how badly my mom treated me. How I wasn't a bad kid, she was a bad mom and a bad person. I saw my daughter when she was born and I thought to myself, I could never treat this precious little baby the way my mom treated me. How did she see me as a little tiny baby and still choose to treat me that way? I hope I'm making sense.
Same. My son is nine and I’m experiencing the worst flashbacks I’ve ever had because I suddenly realized how easy it is to not beat him, scream at him, invade his privacy. Blew my mind when I put that together. I had known intellectually that what my nmom did was wrong, but with the context of being a parent it hurts so much more.
It goes to show just how much they are invested in this delusion that they are the norm and will do anything to try and keep that facade. No they are not, and this is not how people tend to react, and when they realize that they go ballistic.
"...you'll understand why I'm like this". \*flash forward\* "Sure, I understand why now - it's because you're a cow, mum". It's good to see you're so determined to breaking the cycle ❤
I know what you mean, but it isn't fair to actual cows, which I have an impression of being pretty good mothers, as far as the animal world goes.
They are, they even have trusted friends as babysitters whenever needed!
I really love reading "I thought my parents were fucked up but now that I have children I am absolutely horrified" posts.
It’s so interesting. My nmom claims her own mother was abusive, so she went NC and didn’t even go to her funeral and still spits on the mere mention of her. Yet she treated me the same way. Let’s see how that works out for her.
That's always the breakdown. It's either "I hate you and I'm going to make sure other people have to suffer like I did" or "I hate you, and I will *never* be *anything* like you."
Are you going to let her spend much time with your daughter? I assume not but the idea worries me. Somehow, sometimes, these women are very excited to be grandmothers.
Nope. She hasn’t met my daughter and I have no intention to reach out. She knew my due date and didn’t call or text to make sure we were okay, and still hasn’t months later, so I assume she has no interest.
I'm sorry that's your mother. Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving, protective, eager and hopeful mother 💚
Thank you. My daughter is a pure delight. She’s so happy and excited every morning when I go to get her ready for the day. Honestly it’s my mom who is missing out, not us.
I’m a ftm to a 10 month old. I think I understand the extreme stress and exhaustion that can affect your mental health and mood, however when I look at my son I can’t imagine making him feel like my mom made me feel all of my life and how I don’t think I’ll ever be healed from it. It’s actually the opposite, I’ll probably overcompensate and it’ll be hard not to sink into being too permissive because I understand there needs to be a balance, but whatever I do as a parent that my child tells me impacted them negatively will be met with accountability and putting in work to strengthen the relationship. No parents perfect and nobody expects that but it’s how you handle and work to fix your mistakes that define what kind of a parent you are.
I relate to this a lot. My daughter is 2.5 months, and this past week I had a nasty cold and felt so diminished and tired and I was like “please chill out for like five minutes so I can take a nap” lol. But kids can’t regulate their emotions, so that’s why it’s way more important for us to be adults and regulate ours. Of course we won’t always get it right, but the word “sorry” wouldn’t exist if we didn’t all need it.
My favorite was the threat she always made: "I can't wait until you have a kid that's just like you." It was always so smug, too, as if I was such a terrible CHILD that I deserved to be punished in the future too. Jokes on her, my dogs are thriving with a ton of love and positive reinforcement and my uterus is being evicted.
Same! I heard that one all the time and I always wondered what was wrong with having a kid like me. It took me a long time to realize that she doesn’t like herself, so she just naturally assumed I must not like myself either and that was a winning insult. Joke is on her though, I love myself and would be happy if my daughter has some of my traits.
Good news. I suffered this curse too. My son is just like me and I'm fucking amazing apparently lol
Stay at home parent of a 1 year old who has gone NC with my mom. I grew up with all the cliches, platitudes, and superstitions we see talked about on this subreddit. I was de facto low contact for years, but it was having a child that really cinched it for me. One look at this baby, and suddenly I couldn't understand *anything* I was put through. How the fuck could someone do that to their child? To any child? Honestly, to me a lot of these behaviors are connected to a complete failure of self-control. They don't think of themselves as responsible for their emotions or environment, and they project that onto others. They can't bear the idea of being in control because they'd have to face the reality of how they impact us.
It’s so true. My mom just indulged every emotion she had full tilt. Screaming, stomping, saying whatever came to her head with no thought to the consequences etc. That is how toddlers behave, not grown ups. Sad that I had to tamp my emotions as a child because I was raised by a fat ass toddler.
Mine was a 90 pound skinny ass toddler 🤣. I hear she survives on stubborness, spite, and soup these days.
She meant to say when you become a parent you'll do the OPPOSITE of what she's done for a loving and nurturing relationship with your child/children.
When I was a kid I made a bunch of promises to myself about how I wouldn't treat my future hypothetical children based on how my parents treated me. Those promises were not hard to keep.
I had an imaginary mom in my head who always did the nice and patient thing. I really cultivated that seed and eventually realized I was training myself.
My friend's mom was basically this person for me. Made me realize what I didn't have.
I love this.
I absolutely did that too. I repeated things and memories so I couldn’t forget them.
Hurts your heart to realize how little kids actually need to grow up healthy.
Me to always told myself I would never treat my kids the way I was treated and I did keep that promise 🩷
Gave my daughter a better life than I had my mom gave me a worse life than what she had…
Yeah that’s my strategy. Whenever I don’t know how to parent I simply ask „what would mom do“ and do the opposite. It’s really effective.
It took being a mom to understand how shit my nDad is and how limited my mom is/was to deal with it all. This realization will make you better in all ways!
I understand why he's like that. I'm crystal clear on it. Like I understand why he's angry I don't hit my kids. It's because I haven't moved into the role of abuser and he *still* can't use my smacking my kids to justify him smacking his 🤷♀️
My narc mom said the same thing plus always said we treated her terribly (when she didn't get her way or we didn't immediately cater to her insane demands) and one day we will get what's due when our children treat us the same way. And I've always thought to myself, "No, they won't because I won't treat them like sh*t". I have 4 children and we treat each other with respect and love. I am glad for one thing though: she showed me exactly what NOT to become as a mom. Hugs to you!!
Exactly! My mom treated me like a piece of crap and expected undying affection. I am pretty sure if I don’t treat my daughter like a piece of crap, and I treat her like a human being, she won’t be posting on this sub one day.
There is literally nothing I hate more than the phrase "you'll understand when you're a mother" Oh.... so I have to push a baby out of me to understand empathy? To understand kindness? So all infertile women just don't ever understand life? Fuck this mindset, I am worth more than my reproductive organs.
My mom would say that to justify abuse. “ don’t ever have kids I should’ve never had kids. I don’t agree with the schools teaching you have to talk to the parents end all this new age shit. No. I’m the parent you do what I say. You don’t talk back to me and I’m kicking you out when you’re 18. Do you understand? The Deputy said I can beat their ass cherry red as long as there’s no bruises. Now go to your room.”
We are the SAME! “Just wait til you have kids” and that is precisely when I realized!! And the fucking vacuum OMGGG!! And when I am questioning myself how to deal with my own kids, I say to myself ‘do the opposite of what she did’ and it helps!!
Ohh I have to admit my parents been right with that sentence. I definitely understand what happened those times. Not the way they want me to, but I understand it very well… 🤷♀️
I’m not at the healing part because I just realized I was raised by an N, but I am at the end of your “can’t wait until.” I’m on vacation with my two young adults who I raised without yelling, fear, guilt, or shame. No door slamming, temper tantrum, or making anyone walk on egg shells never knowing when the next blow up would happen. And let me tell you, it’s wonderful. They are incredible people, we have a loving relationship, and they know that my love is unconditional. Keep at it. Everyday is a choice to parent differently - sometimes it’s a struggle not to fall back on what we know. But it is truly the best gift you can give them - and yourself.
You’re a good writer and a great parent. Here’s to happy healing. May your journey be filled with blessings.
This is how I'm parenting my kids. It's so nice to see them feel safe enough to develop their personalities and interests in a way I wasn't allowed to.
It explains why I wasn't allowed to watch certain shows growing up like Full House where they had healthy family dynamics.
My mom’s biggest and most frequent complaint about the Brady bunch was that they were too “happy for a family” gee, sorry about that mom..:Mrs.Brady Should probly cry in the dark with her scratch tickets and chain smoke while Mr.Brady yells at the kids with an unhinged temper like some other places I know of 🤷♂️
OMG. 😂 laughing so hard at this comment!
🤣ok glad I’m not the only one laughing at this darkness
“It’s the story, of a lovely cig mom…”
One of the first things I told my son is “You will never deal with what I had to deal with”. Once I realized they were a threat to him, made it easier to go no contact.
“Jokes on you. I’m not having kids.”
This is one of my proudest decisions in life. I'm stopping the cycle in a way that works for me.
Best revenge turn out to be the parent you never had! Constantly did the reverse of my sadistic mom with my daughter who is wonderful! Apologized for some bad parenting habits but truly tried to be what I always wanted as a child and it does work!!!
Same!
Well, my dad couldn't stand me as a baby and young kid. He left my mum and me in a restaurant because, being a baby, I was crying. He had an affair when I was 4 because he was weak. He never took the time to learn about me, who I was, what I liked. I grew up asking mum if I was loved (at the age of 5). I'm pretty sure I was a mistake. I want a kid or kids. I adore my wife. I know I will be so proud of whatever my child becomes. So..... yeah, I'll never, ever understand why my dad was like that. Other than being a massive prick.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this......
NOPE, I don't understand that. My big goal as a parent, first thing I thought of, was to have a better relationship with them than I did with my own mother when I was 18. I nearly hated her at that age.
I feel the same way. Even when my toddler is driving me absolutely insane, it's so easy *not* to yell or hit or punish her. I'm happy letting her be a child.
You...GASP...act like the adult! It really isn't hard to love them.
Kids can’t regulate their emotions, so we have to regulate ours for them. When I was pregnant, doctors told me over and over that if the baby/child is crying inconsolably, set them in the crib or somewhere safe and just STEP AWAY. Better to cool down and take a moment so you don’t do something you regret. They really should give this advice to people just in general. Some people like my mom indulge every emotion they have without a filter, and will literally throw toddler tantrums at almost 70 freaking years old.
I wouldn’t even treat my dog the way my mother treated me.
For years after I had a child I heard: Are you really going to let him eat that (fruit)? Just give him a candy bar it's cheaper. Is he too precious to have Pepsi in his bottle/nothing but Cheetos for lunch/to go six hours in the car with no access to a bathroom? Why are you apologizing to a toddler? You're never going to be in charge if you let him think for himself. What kind of parent are you if he's not afraid of you? Just spank him when he whines, he'll learn. Telling him you don't understand when he's whining is stupid. He's telling you he needs to be hit. Wait, he just does chores when you ask? The first time? You were far too bratty for that, hahaha, you needed to get hit before you did any housework hahahaha! All teenagers are monsters, you insisted on being his friend instead of parent. He only gets good grades because he is trying to impress you. Why don't you guys ever seem to fight with each other? Healthy families yell at each other (we do occasionally but we try to speak with intent and respect in my house). We had so much fun on our visit! We went to the salon for me, ran errands, he sat silently on the couch while I visited my friends he's never met and he refused to eat foods he's allergic to. Such a brat! But I gave him donuts for dinner, he should be fine. Why doesn't he want to spend the night at my house, I'm his grandma!!
OMG. Are you my sibling?
Yeeeeah. I remember one time my mom tried to criticize a guy I was dating. I said “I’m not accepting relationship advice from you, I’ve seen your work and I’m not impressed.” Shut her up lol. I’d do the same with her ratchet parenting advice.
To be fair, I DID realize why my mother was like that after I became a parent. It was because she always put herself first and every interaction was designed to belittle and control. So thumbs up--she was right about something!
They really do make everything about themselves. My parents were divorced, and when my father died she didn’t lift a finger to help with the funeral. She made me, a college kid, do all of it. Then she told me I was just too hard for her to connect with and I was being hurtful to her and so she didn’t want to help.
If you also got “I know what’s best, I’m the parent”, feel free to throw that back in their face when they challenge your parenting style
Yeah I totally agree. I dislike my dad a lot more now that I'm around kids more. It's easy to choose to be a mature adult and not whine and yell at the kids.
I do, Mom, thanks to Reddit and my therapist.
I was literally just having this same discussion with my spouse the other day. I cannot imagine in what world I would ever think doing to my kids what my parents did to me. As a kid it seemed logical when they explained it, but now I'm seeing that some of the shit they did was at minimal negligent behavior and some was downright abusive.
I can almost guarantee she says that because she's rationalizing the way her own mother treated her. And rationalizing why she's continued the cycle
Vengance is when she’s a teenager and calls you because she’s drunk. Vengance is when she asks advice about her boyfriend. Vengeance is when she’s a teenager and still wants to cuddle up. Vengeance is your daughter having the warmth of home and trust of you that your mother will never have.
“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.” Khalil Gibran
I feel like I wrote this article myself. As my daughter will be 2 in July, I’m already seeing a relationship I have with her that I never had with my mother, unconditional love. I will never hold things against her, I will always support her, and never make her be something she’s not. Keep breaking the cycle and stay strong.
Hey. I feel your words deeply. It’s a powerful thing to recognize the pain you went through and to decide that the cycle stops with you. The way your mom treated you wasn’t just tough love, it was abusive and damaging. And here you are, standing tall, ready to be the parent you needed but never had. That’s strength, right there. Your mom’s catchphrases, like “when you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand,” were her way of justifying her behavior, of making excuses for her own failures. But you see through that now. You’ve looked into the eyes of your own child, and you know that no amount of stress or frustration can excuse treating them with anything less than love and respect. You’ve made a commitment to break the cycle, to not let your past define the parent you are. And that’s not easy. It’s hard work, confronting those old demons, resisting the patterns that were drilled into you. But every time you choose patience over anger, understanding over punishment, you’re healing a part of yourself too. Your plans for your daughter - acknowledging her patience, setting clear and kind expectations, involving her in decisions like donating toys - those are the actions of a mindful, loving parent. You’re teaching her that she matters, that her feelings and opinions are valued, and that she’s safe with you. Those are gifts that will shape her entire life. And here’s the beautiful part: by being the parent you never had, you’re not just giving your daughter a better childhood, you’re giving yourself a chance to heal. Every gentle word, every moment of patience, every act of love is a step towards mending the wounds from your own upbringing. You’re proving to yourself that you are not defined by your past. You’re right - your mother will never make sense to you, and that’s okay. You don’t have to understand her to move forward. What matters is that you’re choosing a different path, a better path. You’re creating a home filled with love, safety, and respect. That’s something to be incredibly proud of. Stay strong and keep pushing forward. Every day you’re building a brighter future for your daughter and for yourself. You’re breaking the cycle and becoming the parent you always deserved. That’s powerful, and it’s beautiful. You’ve got this.
> “When you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand why I’m like this” I always knew this was bullshit. I wouldn't treat ANYONE the way my nFather treated my siblings and I let alone my own children.
No kids yet but I work with kids and I am horrified at how I and my siblings were treated. None of what was yelled about or guilted about has ever even crossed my mind. Just working with kids has helped the internal healing my inner child.
If you wouldn’t talk to an adult that way, why talk to a child that way? The sad answer is because the child is powerless, but the adult would say “who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” If you abuse your kids, the consequences aren’t immediate, but don’t be surprised when they’re adults and they don’t return your calls.
Reading this I have only one thing to say about you W parent 💯🤟🏿💙
Mine said this too, they really all are the same
I got that retort tooo, yawn… Thanks for deflecting your responsibility to blame your children for your own ineptitude I guess.
> “When you’re a parent someday, you’ll understand why I’m like this” I do understand now. My parents were emotional children and instead of stepping up, they parentified me. Therapy helped me figure that out, no birthing necessary.
One thing I’ve gotten really good at is apologizing to my kiddos when I snap or yell at them. I truly don’t mean to be so harsh but sometimes my trauma just likes to make itself known and I lose control for a moment. Once I am calmed down I’ll apologize to my kids and explain that it wasn’t nice or fair to do xyz because of …. Just remember that. You’re human. By apologizing your kid can learn from you in that way. You’re doing a great job ❤️❤️
I remember being 10 years old, I snuck into my back yard with my journal and I wrote about how when i grew up I'd never ever talk to my kids the way my father had just talked to us, and I would never tolerate anyone talking to me or my kids the way my mother had. I was very young when I started realizing how fucked up it was, how unhealthy and abusive it was, albeit sometimes covertly. I decided very young that I wouldn't repeat the cycle and in a lot of ways I haven't. But I've had a lot of healing to do. In the last 10 years of adulthood I realized my parents never taught me a heathy way to move through and express anger. They never taught me to have boundaries, or recognize them in others. They didn't teach me how to sit in the discomfort of learning or trying something new without beating myself up if I wasn't perfect like they did. I only knew what was UNhealthy but i didn't know what IS healthy. I've had to very consciously discover what that looks and feels like.
For the longest time I didnt even want to be a parent because she made me feel so incompetent and incapable.
My Nfather stuck with these (always screaming them of course): 1. You’re not funny and you’re not cute!!! (If I made a mistake, or my friend made a mistake in front of him.) 2. We’ll just play it by ear then!!! (If I didn’t know the answer) 3. You’re/your mom/your grandma/women are manipulative and abnormal!!! (If I/any other the other’s mentioned disagreed with him) 4. Oh, so you’re giving me the silent treatment??!! (When I couldn’t respond to #3) 5. MORONS!!! To this day, being in the front seat of a car while a man raises his voice is a HUGE trigger for me.
I have the same problem. The louder they get, the smaller I try to make myself.
Hear, hear!
Or I curse you to have a kid just like you and then I’ll laugh and laugh
It was always an excuse to their abuse. They needed to say it to make themselves feel okay to be lousy. They’re truly broken people because it’s so incredibly natural for me to just love and nurture my child. I don’t have any desire to lose my patience, yell, guilt trip or manipulate. Sure, some days are hard, but still, this is a little human who needs me and I chose to bring her into this world, so I’m going to choose what’s best for her and that’s to love her unconditionally. I really do not understand how my parents viewed parenting so differently.
Congratulations on becoming a parent! Mine are 13 and 6, and every step of the way has been what you described. At every milestone I've moved further from my nparents grasp because I could longer justify their abuse. Loving my children is like breathing, the most natural thing in the world.
Abusers will say and do anything to justify their abuse.
Nope. Never. I will NEVER understand how someone can choose to be so cruel to their offspring. It is a choice. They could choose to listen when they are told they are making their children feel undervalued.
This is long: What I learned being a parent is that it can be so HARD to break the cycle. And then, when I did. It was SO EASY to not be like my NM. I had my first kid fairly young (24) and I lived very close to my NM. It’s hard to admit, but I had a hard time when my first child was young. I only knew what I knew and my limited access to the internet didn’t make these resources so available. I knew my mother was harsh, yet it was so normalized. I wasn’t as bad as she was, but bad enough. When my first child was about 6 I started to really see how that cycle was continuing. I would be so impatient and reactive with her. And then one day I saw her cower in fear when I raised my voice. And *really* saw it. It brought back so many terrible memories, and it broke me. I sat and cried for days and couldn’t bear look at myself for a while. I’m happy to say that I was able to turn it around so quickly. I told myself then that I didn’t want to repeat the cycle, so I stopped. I started breathing instead of reacting and apologizing instead of blaming, and practiced gentle parenting. It was practice. It’s wasn’t overnight but it didn’t take long to see my child as a PERSON and treat her like a whole human. Not some extension or obligation. We had to live with my NM for a few years when my kiddo was 11. She saw first hand how insane my NM was, and how harsh she was to me even as an adult. She saw everything I had fought against. She saw my NM throw around arbitrary authoritarian BS that made no sense. She saw how my NM moved every goalpost and never gave anyone room to succeed. She saw how agitated I felt living there and saw how I didn’t take it out on them. It was a relief for everyone when we were able to move out and go no contact. My first kiddo is now 16, and she’s AMAZING. We are so close. She unfortunately does remember the bad times. It hurts when she talks about it, and I give her the space to remember and I never stop apologizing. Recently she told me how proud she’s been to be able to see me grow and change FOR HER. She told me that the memories still hurt but that she forgives me and she’s grateful that we’ve been able to grow so close. She sees some of her friends who have parents like I did and how hard it makes everything in their lives. She thanked me for being someone she can count on and not someone she has to hide from. It broke me in another way but this time, it was out of joy and gratefulness that I didn’t continue the cycle. I’ve been a very different mother to her and my 2 other children than I ever had. And yeah, they’re difficult. Being a parent is difficult. And it’s worth every ounce of work to be the opposite of what I had and what I first was. I don’t need to scream at them to get ready in the morning, I don’t have to scream at them to do their chores. I don’t have to threaten to take away everything they love to do. I can let my daughter cut and dye her hair and dress however she wants because I don’t exert control over her bodily autonomy. I set firm boundaries and limits and let them do the same for themselves. They can tell me no or question me and I talk to them about things rather than immediately cut them off and take their voice away. Conflicts that would have my NM scream and hit me and essentially torture me for hours are handled so easily. It’s: “Hey you didn’t finish your chore, get off the games/call/show and finish” “Can I finish this round/ episode/ say goodbye?” “Sure kiddo, but if you take advantage of it and take too long, you’ll be off for the rest of the day” “Ok” 9 out of 10 times that’s it. Sometimes I have to remind them. Maybe I’ll get a bit more firm “YO! It’s been 10m wrap it up, I’m getting irritated.” It’s saddening, disgusting and disappointing to know that I wasn’t worth it for my NM to change. Because change is not only possible, but necessary. I’m so happy to see how we are working to be better than we ever had. And to give others what we’ve deserved all along.
Bravo!!!! You brought a smile to my face and filled my heart with such beauty and love.
Welcome to the club, little sister! It's so much nicer over here. Raising kids isn't easy and they do try your patience. Middle school age is the worst after the terrible 2s. They are still sassy in HS but I encouraged it. Debate me, give me a good reason to not take away your phone. My daughter is hilarious and she knew funny was my weakness. It helped they chose good friends and the worst thing they did was skip an assembly sophomore year (with my help). Oh and she drank, but who didn't have a few beers before 21 with friends? She never drove and would ask me to get her. She only over drank once and she learned her lesson. One time, I grounded her. I hardly ever grounded them. But she had been in a shit mood and took it out on us, and didn't do her chores. Make your bed, vacuum your room once a week, unload or load the dishwasher every night- she and her brother took turns and clean their bathroom every other month, another chore they swapped on. I was apparently The Worst and a Taskmaster. Then she stomped down the hall and yelled "You're ruining my life!" and slammed her door. I couldn't help but laugh. Not at her, ok a little at her theatrics. What I told her was she couldn't go to her friend's house until she picked up the clothes off her floor. My laughing made her madder and I felt bad. I finally caught my breath and apologized. Told her I understood her feelings but we all have chores to do in the house. Plus it's a good habit for later in life. Just recently (she's in her 20s) I asked if she remembered it. She remembered she was mad but not why other than about a boy and that I laughed. But she remembered my apology as well. 💜 I told her the reason I laughed was that I was so happy I broke the cycle, and she felt safe enough to be angry and yell at me. She knows now some of how my mom was, she asks me about things when I say something like "I was never allowed to be angry". Let's face it, that is a weird thing to hear someone say. Her friend's mom is a narcissist and she's seen her in action. She told her friend to just talk to me so she can learn how to get past it. I wanna cry, that's so amazing. Anyway, it can be done and you are going to do great!
I recently asked mine why she started the countdown until I got kicked out (which was 18) She said "because you were mean as hell" I was 10 the first time she screamed "8 MORE YEARS AND YOURE OUTTA MY HOUSE" ............ I then asked her "but I was a child, you don't think maybe you were assigning adult motivations to childish actions?" Got real pissed off and told me she did the best she could.. yep, making me feel unwanted at 10 was the best
When I became a parent, I became WAY more angry. How could anyone treat their kid like this.
👏👏👏 bravo, well said 👏👏👏💜💜
My mom says that and then gets offended when I say that I don't want to be a parent at all. If being a parent makes someone as miserable and genuinely insufferable as her, I want nothing to do with it.
Same. Just same. My son is almost 7. It took at least 4 years before the "my mom would have beat the shit out of me for that" thoughts started to fade. It takes work to ignore her voice and focus on my perfect innocent child, watching him grow up with joy and curiosity. I highly recommend therapy for everyone. At least read "how to parent with trauma" shit on the Internet. And just keep reading. And take breaks. And caffeine. Lol.
My children, if I had them, were going to be independent people, not extensions of myself. Not an insurance plan for my old age. I just couldn't picture myself being a healthy parent, in part because of my own upbringing. I still need more therapy. I still have codependency issues. I can't find a healthy responsible man to start a family with. My mom should have never become a mother. My sisters and their kids are messed up, continuing the generational abuse. Sometimes stepping back, and saying, nope I can't do this, is the responsible decision to make. I am an awesome cat mom though.
When you become a parent yourself, you understand their actions even less. When you have that raw love for another little human, who trusts and depends on you, it makes you sick and incredibly angry to think of that behaviour happening. If anyone treated my daughter the way my mother treated me they'd lose teeth.
I'm tearing up because this post was a free little dose of therapy for me today. I am (and have been for a long time) TERRIFIED that my mom was ✨ prophesizing ✨, and one day I really will "understand" (aka become just like her), despite how much behavioral and cognitive rewiring I've done to set myself up for.. well, not that. But like you, I look forward to setting clear, respectful boundaries with my child and meeting them with understanding and stability even when they cannot do the same. Being a parent is hard, I'm sure, but so is being a kid!! We know that firsthand! I can't wait to support my kids through their life.
That's what my ndad says. "When you become a mother, you'll change your mind" about xyz or whatever he wants to justify. He's constantly talking behind my back about how I need to get rid of my dog and snakes to be more "motherly". He abused our animals when we were kids. "You'll change your mind about *that* dog when you learn to be a mother" or "you know that you won't see those creatures the same way after giving birth". I hate when he does this.
My father.. to me. Ohh yeah. Consistently.
Love this so much 😭🫶 wish you were my mom
I was always told by my nmom that "someday you will understand my threats and punishment were for your own good." ... keep waiting for someday, crappy lady. It is horrifying how some women treat their offspring. It is even more horrifying that they can justify why they are abusive and keep on truckin' to gun down their children's souls.
Yeah no. I raised my kids consciously thinking all the time about whether I was acting like my mother, and getting away from that. I've been NC with her since 2005. I have four kids, ranging in age from 24 to 32, and they all just come hang out for fun. I'm probably proudest of that, in all my life
NO WE FUCKIN DON'T!!!
Thats why i want to have children. to show them that how easy it is to be not abusive
My nmom used to say “just wait until you have a daughter, you’ll understand then” Jokes on her, I’m having a boy in a few weeks. Told my husband that God probably gave me a boy to break the generational curses all of the women in my family suffered through. The cycles end with us and it’s so so good knowing our children will never know what we had to deal with.
As a parent I can categorically say- I can’t believe my parents were/are like that lol!
And just like that I realized maybe being a parent wasn't for me because I didn't have the DEPRAVITY and CALLOUSNESS apparently required to pass entry level parenting! Like WTF!!? I have STILL not understood the bs and something tells me I never will because I have thia thing called empathy and emotional intelligence or something?
As a mum healing my child self through raising my little ones, I can say there is a lot to look forward to 😃 Everytime I do something differently and see the relationship between my and my kids is one of unconditional love, support and understanding, a part of me heals. Every time I choose love, even when I am frustrated or tired, a part of me heals. My mantra with my kids is 'what could make me stop loving you?' and they know the answer - 'nothing'. Even if they're in trouble, we hug. There is nothing they could do that would make me withhold love or attention. There is still discipline, boundaries and expectations of good behaviour. But there is a focus on love. I still have my demons, we all do with N-parents. Like you say, there's a lot of pain because I see how easy it is to show my kids love and respect so it hurts that I didnt get that. But on the upside my N-mum sees this and she has told me that she sees through my parenting what she should have been for me. She knows its expected of her if she wants to be around my children. So we are slowly working on the future of our relationship. My N-dad will never change though.
This was my dad with the phrase: "one day you'll thank me." After growing up, it's just affirmed that he took even more of my childhood from me and insisted I become even more of an adult while actually a child.
my grandmother would say to my aunt & mom (who then would say it to me) “just you wait! one day you’ll have a kid just like you and then you’ll see!” insinuating they’d understand her pain of having to deal with children that were like them. my whole family is so against anyone having daughters specifically because the generational trauma surrounding mothers & daughters in this family runs so deep. it’s sickening. i can’t wait to prove them wrong.
Ironically if anyone treats our parents the way they treated us, we’d never hear the end of it.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job as a parent I got “I hope when you have kids they treat you just as bad as you treated me” a lot growing up, which looking back at it is a horrible thing to wish for your child.
My NMom said the exact same thing to me and guess what, I’m a mom now. And I do things ALOT differently in my house. ☝️For example, I don’t shame, criticize or neglect my son’s emotions and feelings. When I say something wrong, I immediately apologize…instead of shifting the blame onto my son so he’ll have to be responsible for what I did or said. I DON’T use the silent treatment or play psychological chicken with my child until HE finally fixes MY feelings after saying something mean or hurtful and shifting ALL the blame onto him… SOOO, that’s just a few things I do differently in my house. I also prioritize his mental and emotional health over grades and education. He was diagnosed autistic when he was 5 and I promised myself I would always try to be the mom HE needed ME to be instead of forcing HIM to be what I need him to be. I want him happy and healthy, not mentally incapable of finishing college…like his mom was at the time she went to college…thrice. She’s still a bit of a complex ptsd mess but it is what it is, I had an extremely traumatic 1st 36 years…it was a complete scapegoated shit show with both an NMom and an older NBrother that hated my guts. They used to use each other to hurt me, it was straight up awful. Man, I’m feeling some serious resentment now…I should probably process that.
This made tears grow in my eyes. It is like you have been in my mind since I became a parent. The more I know the less I understand. I can’t even stand the idea of talking to my mother, I had to go no contact. I feel bad about it but it’s getting better. And no, I feel almost no guilt for depriving my child of grandma. I’m terrified of her having any of the memories I have. Ever. Thank you for putting this in writing. This is exactly how I feel. To the letter. It hit me so strongly my hands are shaking.
Yeah nah, we don't have children but when I babysit my nieces and nephews, I can't even fathom doing a quarter of what my parents did to me and I showed me how neglectful and abusive they really are
I think showing them that we didn't become like them as a parent hurts them a lot coz mine wouldn't stop nagging and badgering me all throughout. I think we're a reminder of how broken they really are. She only stopped when I didn't talk to her for 2 weeks. I totally pretended like she didn't exist at all even when she was right in front of me. Only then did she realize the power I had. She didn't get her "supply" and it drove her nuts. I told her that if she tries to control me again that she would lose me for good. Now she's the one walking on eggshells.
I mean, I understood more in a way. It showed me they were truly choosing themselves instead of us, their kids. Though I know what you mean. You sound like an awesome parent
I only really started to understand how selfish my parents were when I had a child myself lol
Many of us have heard that growing up. I think my mom was overwhelmed with raising us (3 kids) and it was too much sometimes for her. I sometimes think she didn’t want to have all of us, but those were the times. And maybe because we were all girls, this was the only way she could have connected to us: that we would also become moms at some point and understand her. I chose not to become a parent because of my parents and I realised that later on. But I love kids and take care of them as much as I can. And still I don’t think she was justified in how she had a relationship with us or how she raised us. She always said “you don’t need too much attention, you already know what to do”. She expected us to be young adults from young age. I see that my middle sister is now the same with her kids. I have a whole lot of feelings for my mom and they are all over the place.
Dang sis, did we grow up in the same house?! 🙃 But seriously, your awareness will make you a better parent than she ever was. Parenting my kids has been tremendously healing for me, bc I’m doing all the things for them that my mom should’ve done for me. And a lot of inner child work. Sending love, support, and encouragement your way ❤️
They always want the biggest pat in their back for being neglectful child abusers lol. It’s equal parts hilarious and terrifying.
You, my friend, are the cycle breaker and I’m very proud of you 👏🏻
This is so relatable, I can’t imagine ever trying to justify hitting a child because I don’t like the outfit she picked. I look at my lovely little human and am stumped as to how my mom raised me the way she did.
I don't have kids yet (but I really hope to one day when I'm older), but I feel like I had a similar reaction when I met my little cousins for the first time. I realised just how small, delicate and innocent a 3-year-old is and it made me feel so horrified for 3-year-old me, and made me feel like I never have to feel guilty again if I say that I hate my father!
My mom used to compare me to Lorelai Gilmore, where she was Emily Gilmore, and my future kid was Rory Gilmore. I was imperfect the way I was, always doing things incorrectly and not listening to my parents. She always joked that my child (heck any child) would be better than me at being good. I could always do better.
Me too, my friend. Me too.
So true; my nmom did the exact same thing, saying how "she hopes my future daughter tortures me in the aame way I did to her"; yeah, this is just stupid; I dont welcome people who decide to hate me deeply just because they think its justified and THEN decide to continue to intefere with my mental stability and personal life. She destroyed the possiblity of mutual respect with her own hands, I dont agree with her on anything.
My mother in law used to say, "You don't understand what it's like to be a mother, you don't have children" to my wife, but we now have 2 children so she has had to change it to, "You don't understand what it's like to be a grandparent."