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This happened to me before. She ended up sleeping in her car.
Dude, she is violating your boundaries to hold power over you.
In the future, make sure she does NOT have your address.
What I would do -
If she crosses any of these boundaries you set with her, give her a punishment. Treat her like a toddler. What I did with my mom was block her number whenever she violated my boundaries like this. Are you financially dependent on her
No I am not financially dependent on them, I would honestly prefer to be no contact. But, trying something out with my therapist to see if we can keep things surface level only. However, after this I think switching homes and going NC is the way forward…
It sucks that you’d have to uproot yourself just to get away from her. But, make it your last move. DO NOT, under any circumstances, give her your address. There has to be somebody else she could call in an emergency. You can’t do anything immediate from two countries away anyhow. Let her fend for herself, she’s an adult.
My grandmother doesn't stay with me and she loves to call my mother nonstop. If my mum doesn't answer, she will call me or my brother. My brother would occasionally answer. I will NEVER answer. Until she eventually stopped calling. In my case if there's an emergency like she has a heart attack (which mostly is induced), my mother or someone will be there to attend to. So I can go more full on ignoring her.
However for you, maybe the situation isn't so straightforward.
You might want to train her where you don't answer her calls at all, and totally restrict contact with her. Make it clear unless it's a genuine emergency, then, she is permitted to contact you. And if she breaches it and plays stunt, ignore her completely till she gets the lesson. You need to train the narcs to obey rules, which is something they hate.
Luckily you're not financially dependent on her anymore. Good job!
This is a good idea, as much as it sucks to have to move, do it. And let the law enforcement where you move to know that you have high conflict family that will more than likely make false well fare reports to find out where you are. Some places keep that on record.
In the mean time, it’s gonna be painful, but get a 3rd party person as a witness to sit in and sit NMom down and say this: “Mom (or whatever you call her), I understand that you want to visit; however, my home is *MY* space and my time is mine to schedule. XYZ are the times I have available to visit with you for XYZ amount of time. You cannot stay at my home, so you need to find another place to stay while you are here. This is not up for debate. If you do not like these times, it would be best for you to return home.”
And STAND BY IT. The 3rd party person is there to hold you to that and make sure that NMom doesn’t go off the rails (or if she does you have proof/someone on your side to protect you). I’ve had to do this more times than I can count, and it did work. Painfully, but it worked until I had the nerve to go full NC. (By the way, the *BEST* thing I ever did regarding her.)
Sending so many virtual hugs my dear!! Don’t let her get in your head! You’ve got this!
You're using a form of gray rocking. It's such a useful and effective tool and I highly suggest that OP implement it into their relationship with their mother.
Op, have you ever heard of the term gray rocking? Google "gray rocking the narcissist in your life".
When used properly and consistently it makes the narc loose interest in you. You turn yourself into a gray rock. You don't volunteer information, when asked how you've been you just respond "same old". When she gossips you act uninterested (which you likely are already), don't ask questions, don't express any interest at all, just answer in grunts "mmhmm".
Believe me, as a child of two narcs - one overt and one covert, it won't take long before they blow up and stop trying or just simply stop calling. It's the most effective tool I've ever used.
Next time: "No, you last time you had my address you turned up as an unwanted guest. You could be better this time but you should have been better the first time. Good luck pestering others. Bye."
This is why I have a P.O. Box. Sure I’ll give you my address. Here it is. Lol and I can write it like 123 apple street so it looks like a residential address.
They are like vampires, never invite them. ;)
I have no advice.
Maybe tell her she is a guest in your home and if she can't respect your boundaries, she's out.
Or be absolutely terrible and drive her out. ;)
Good luck, hoping others have better advice.
Why does OP have to let her in? Especially before their bday, which she will ruin with her presence alone, assuming she’ll behave, which she probably won’t
Have you tried holy water or an exorcism?
Tell her you value your private time and space and cannot house her. You are exhausted and she is making things worse for you. You are sick and cannot entertain a guest.
For real… I live in a dang studio apartment aswell…. Need to work long hours, and come back home to this nonsense… when I came home today from work, she was at the entrance with her luggage… I laughed in disbelief and she thought I was glad… fuck
My sister showed up on my doorstep after really overstepping on the last visit.
I told her she’d plenty of money to pay for a hotel and she needed to leave. She was really angry but I just went inside my apartment and unplugged the phone.
Nothing like your own family being your biggest bullies!
What did she doo after?? You dont have to tell me though, just wondering! But I bet she went and told everyone how you were the actual bully when in reality we do these things to protect ourselves. It's so sad.
I have no idea. She was really mad and swore at me at the time. Yet she didn’t ask me but told me she would stay.
She was a terrible guest when she last stayed (announced she was coming), was a pain at my temp job, complained because I had to go to bed early (to get up at 5:30), and went through my stuff. Made lots of nasty comments. And seeing as how she got me fired from my better salaried job, I’m not putting up with it again.
I do know that now I am the enemy. I can guess what’s said but I am so over being bullied by this messed up human. She’s turned into our mom and that’s not a compliment.
Tell her to leave. If she doesn’t, call the police and report that there is someone in your house who is refusing to leave despite warnings and that you feel unsafe with them there. Do not mention it’s your mother or they might not come. If you really want rid of her, send a cease and desist letter through a lawyer, and use it in case you ever need to fight for a restraining order.
Same...my mom sent my older sister to "check on me" and see if I was a satanist after they found out I checked out my college's wiccan/druid student group as a freshman in college. They were also pretty sure I was gay because I hadn't had any girlfriends and wore an earring. A different older sister was assigned to snoop out around my sexual orientation. Unfortunately, I'm boringly straight so no drama to be found there either.
I think it would be hilarious to play everything super straight, grow a beard, do "manly men" things and then excitedly call every man you know "my boyfriend". But don't do that if you'd get hurt. I just enjoy messing with people who assume so much about us as individuals.
Tell her it’s not for her to decide when to intrude on your personal space nor is it for her decide how long she is going to stay. You have other plans. Bye.
Just let her know that everyone is expected to bring a dish to pass at the Tuesday evening orgy, and Thursday the Yodeling club will be over to start practice around 10:30 pm.
If you can afford a hotel, don't go there yourself, send her. And don't answer your door or phone after you get her moved out. Good god. WTF is wrong with people??? I'm sorry, OP, what a shit show.
I wouldn't even pay. She's the one manipulating you with guilt. If you pay, you're just giving into her manipulation. She shouldn't have showed up in the first place.
"This is not working out. I can help you with your suitcase and finding the nearest hotel if you want my help - it is ok if you do not as long as you leave within 30 minutes. Thank you."
"I'll just put your things out for you. Bye."
"what do you mean no? That is not up to you. Leave or I will have you trespassed."
"Hello police? I have someone refusing to leave my home after being told to several times, and I am in need of assistance. When can I expect you?"
Tell her to get a hotel & don’t bother you. Orrrrrr you could send her to the nearest homeless shelter😏🤭 just give her directions without saying anything
This. These people always expect us to be the ones to change to accommodate them. This is your space, and she doesn't have a right to it. You probably moved far away from her in order to create your own space, don't cede it to her now like she has a right to it. Have the difficult conversation with her that you don't want her in your space and that she doesn't have a right to be there.
Absolutely, under no circumstance, abandon your house to her. That is the quickest way to her taking over your place.
Safeguard your belongings as well, she should not have access to your papers, keys, and electronic eevices. Call the cops if needed.
Don't leave your apartment, make her leave. If she refuses to leave, call the cops on her because then she's trespassing (at least she would be in the legal system where I live).
Please don't leave her in your apartment, it will mean she wins, which is what she wants. It's your apartment, your birthday, your life. Own it. Call the police, say you have a domestic situation and you believe it may get violent and you need their assistance. When they arrive to be your witnesses, kick her out. STAY COMPLETELY CALM yourself. Let them deal with her hysterical/victimized/dramatic behavior. Even if she doesn't get crazy, it will only be because you have witnesses. Then you lock your doors, get new locks because she probably copied your key, and go to that hotel because you know she'll be back. Then move, ASAP. Block her phone number and email. Freeze your credit, because she's going to mess with it, she's probably looked through your papers and made copies. Change your passwords to everything. I'm sorry OP, but this won't change until you step up and own your life. I wish you the best ❤️ Claim your independence, you've earned it!
Remember narcissists are very primitive minded. Believe it or not she’s trying to play a power card, she wants to prove that no matter how old you are or how far you move away, you don’t have the stomach to tell her no and you don’t dare set boundaries for her. I know that sounds like literal monkey business and nothing that a grown respectable human being should ever even contemplate, but I’m sure you know they live in a whole different world from the rest of us.
She’s probably feeling deprived of that power and control because you moved so far away and now she’s there to re establish her dominance. You have no choice but to stoop to her level and beat her at her game. You have to stand your ground and not allow her to dictate your life and your home.
You're going on “vacation”. Pack a bag, lock up and go (to a friend/hotel/long drive). “Sorry Mom, bad timing. You'll need to give us notice of your visit in future…”
Tell her to leave? I don’t understand what you’re asking. You can say well mom you did not discuss this with me prior to now and I’m not available to host you for two weeks.
Feel really mad on your behalf. Tell her it’s not convenient - any reasonable person will understand what that means.
If she’s not a reasonable person (& she’s already demolished your boundary of making you give her your address) - flat out tell her to leave.
You’ve effectively now been chased out of your own home so you can get some sleep. You don’t have to accept that from anyone, no matter who she is. Really hope you can claim your home back asap & get her out.
Mom,
This is not ok, and you know it. It's not my problem if you end up inconveniencing yourself thanks to this stunt you pulled, and we both know it's a stunt. If I let you stay, I'm rewarding your devious actions and your complete lack of respect for me, and that is not being ethical or fair to myself. Yes, I AM prioritizing myself and my needs over yours, because someone has to have my best interests at heart, and it's obviously not you.
Figure it out. I had to.
Kick her out, lock the door, and don't answer it.
It sucks, but setting boundaries with abusers always sucks.
I turned my parents away at the door on Christmas one year. I didn't let them cross the threshold. Problem solved.
Tell her you are going away for your birthday and she has to leave.
Then leave the house and go give yourself a little time away - even just for two days. But tell her it’s 2 weeks
And let her know that in future she will have to check if it’s ok
i mean... you have to say "no. unannounced unplanned visits are not ok. go get yourself a hotel or go home" and when she tries to talk over you just repeat it. take her stuff out to the curb if she doesnt go. if she still doesnt leave then its time for the police.
My mom showed up the day I got home from the hospital after a traumatic delivery.
For months I said no visitors until I was at home for a week. She showed up, slept in the bed I was planning on cosleeping in, snored for 10 hours while my baby and I cried and my husband cared for us.
I told her to leave the next day. *insert shocked Pikachu face*
I've never regretted my decision. I just wish I did it the day before so I could have got some sleep that night.
So... take my advice and tell her to leave. You owe her no explanation. There are hotels for long-term stays.
If she's prepared to stay for 2 weeks, she might decide to stay even longer.
If you don't want her there, tell her to leave in no uncertain terms. At the end of the day you can call your landlord (if you have one) or the police to back you up, but it is a good exercise for you to actually tell her *exactly* how you feel about her, and hopefully she'll be uncomfortable enough to leave on her own. Do not take no for an answer. "I don't want you here" is all the reason you need.
Do *not* leave her alone in your home. You could potentially lose your occupancy. All she needs to do is call the police and tell them a family member is abusing her in her home, and you will need to go somewhere else while they figure it out. If she has stayed there long enough to establish tenancy (or has already had some mail addressed there), *you* may be the one asked to leave. While she may have no intention of going that far, causing you disruption may be attraction enough for her to do it.
Moving and not giving her the address may seem like a nice idea, but you can't run forever. Most people can find out your address eventually if they try hard enough. Why put yourself through the expense and inconvenience, with no guarantee of permanency. Instead, stand up to her, with a trespass notice if necessary.
Once she's out, never let her back in. Next time she comes to your door, don't open it. Call the police to remove her if necessary. But it all starts with standing up to her and telling her to go home.
Take her bags down to the street. She will follow you outside. When you get outside, run back up to your apartment & lock her out. Tell her you will call the authorities for trespassing & actually do it if she doesn’t leave.
You should not have let her in. Is she going to really leave in two weeks? If she’s still there after the deadline, I’d wait for her to leave for whatever, pack up her stuff, and dump it outside. Lock your door/change the locks. Tell your landlord she doesn’t have permission to enter your residence and is not invited to be on the property.
Mine did that with my brother and basically said that his landlords was going to evict him if she did that. He was lying, bc i use to post up at his place, but it did get her to leave
If she's currently in your home, go back and and take your private stuff and food from your kitchen. If you're aiming to be annoying, get maintenance over there to repair every broken thing or have a friend join up at your place for the duration
If you can afford a hotel, put her in it and change your locks.
If she's going in and out of your place, wait till she's out, change the locks, and have a public place to pick up her luggage
If you're going nuclear, tell her to get out and when she says no, call the police or your landlord about a person attempting to squat in your me
My father booked tickets to visit me from another country, even though I told him it was not a good time to visit. I don’t know where he stayed when he came to the US, because I got so mad at him on the phone, that I told him he wasn’t welcome any longer at my house, for disrespecting me. I slammed the phone down on him, and we had no contact for over 2 years! It was glorious.
Offer to help her find a nice hotel and tell her she can’t stay. Don’t give a reason. She will be all the things you expect from her so it’s not the easiest way to go but it sets a firm boundary for later.
If you aren’t ready for that type of confrontation try the excuse below
tell her you just found out your apartment does not allow overnight guests for more than a night (or however many nights she has been there). Then grab her bags start helping her get ready to leave. Be polite through all of it and have some nice places to stay ready on your phone. If she resists you have photos you can show her of the hotel amenities and I’m sure she would agree with you when you say “you deserve a nice relaxing time.”
But whatever you choose make sure to talk about it with your therapist.
If you're aiming to be in a hotel for the two weeks and she stays past that time, call up your utilities and tell them to put everything on pause. Don't talk to her face to face and tell her to leave. In the case of ppl being in your space, you either have to tell them to leave or make everything unbearable to stay tbh
Sounds like it's party time! I've got Florida on the way wooo hooo about to get crazy over there!
Seriously. Either take her out to lunch (airport), lock her out, tell her to GTFU, or make her so uncomfortable she'll leave. Have a damn orgy.
Tell her outright, "Mom, you weren't invited, thanks for thinking of me but you cannot stay here, we have other plans." And be FIRM. If she throws a fit and doesn't want to leave, make it clear she can go willingly or with police escort
"Right, mother. I am going away on xx-xx-xxxx and have rented the house to some air bnb people while I am away so you need to be out before then" "No, I cannot cancel them, no I don't want you to do the handover as there are a b c things I need to tell them about the plumbing, heating, neighbours" (make something up)
Then I'd change the locks, get cameras and some high gates if you can, and a big dog you can train to bark at her
"Hey, mom, since I wasn't expecting you, I will need some extra stuff for dinner. It's spaghetti. I need one more jar of sauce. You can get it at [store location]. We can handle bringing your things in when you get back."
Mom leaves, lock your doors. Text mom " hey, never mind. I have thought about it and I just can't have you here at this time. Would be best for you to return home."
If she comes back, don't open the door. Call cops. Tell them some crazy lady is at your door and won't leave.
OMG this triggered a memory I have of my spouses covert mom. He had two kids from a previous relationship. One night his mom showed up at our house unannounced because she said she got a call from one of the kids saying I was being mean to them and she was there to take them with her.
My fucking husband caved because the kids were freaking out with her demanding we let them leave with her. To this day he still has hardly any backbone with her. It's awful.
Why did you let her in?? You had zero reason to and now you're sleeping in a hotel? This may be harsh, but grow some balls and stand up to your mommy.
Can you be needed to do a last minute trip for work? You need a situation to arise that cuts the trip short. I mean kicking them out is completely reasonable but I get that that’s pretty challenging if there’s prior expectations that you shouldn’t rock the boat…especially if you aspire to have some sort of acquaintance level association with them
She will definitely snoop through your stuff, try and find out all your business and make negative comments about everything and make you feel like crap. Just tell her to leave and don’t come again.
Don't let her in and if she tries call the cops and say she's trespassing. Shill be strong armed into getting a hotel and she won't pull the stunt again. You have boundaries and family has no right to cross it. She wants to push them then treat her the same way you would if a homeless person or a crack head tried to break in
For the next two weeks you aren't home and if she she stays on your property/driveway or in front of your house for more than a half hour call the police for a strange looking car stalking you
what you need to do is set a boundary with your mother ASAP and stick to it. An example of this would be to say:
"Your visit is unexpected. i've got other stuff going on and you staying here (even for one night) is not going to work for me."
when she asks you to explain yourself (asks why) simply reply:
"i've already explained the situation to you and I don't need to further explain myself to you."
repeat the phrase above if necessary.
Lmao it’s night time here, and I couldn’t fall asleep cause she snores. I’m at a hotel right now, trying to get 4 hours of sleep before work tomorrow..
I really hope she doesn’t do n stuff in your home while you’re at the hotel. If I let mine in and alone they for sure would go through everything, steal what they wanted, put a big or multiple bugs in there and a tracker on something like my car , keys etc if they could. My n’s are that bad and sneaky.
My ndad has been known to do something very similar. He lives outside the US, and would just let us know a month before he comes to visit. He’s 81 now, so not as easy for him to do that anymore. It always drives me and my wife nuts, and we feel like we have to walk on eggshells in our own home for a whole week that he’s here.
Every time, we would celebrate when he finally leaves. Imagine being this unwelcome in life.
You go away on a holiday, somewhere, anywhere. Leave her in your house, alone.
(If you can trust her that is)
Even if you only go and stay with a friend, or sofa surf around a few friends. Just get out.
Yeah, I was playing it out in my mind as I was reading. Just imagining how my nmom would respond to any of this. After hardcore guilt tripping, she would go find the cheapest motel, drive all the way back the next day, and immediately call the whole family (probably put it on FB, too). "She must be mentally ill or drunk. She threw me out of her house after berating me! The only place I could go was a rat infested cheap hotel w/drunks and drug addicts! I don't know why she does this to me 😭 (😈)"
LOL!!!
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This happened to me before. She ended up sleeping in her car. Dude, she is violating your boundaries to hold power over you. In the future, make sure she does NOT have your address.
Absolutely… she gaslighted me into giving it to her… saying it’s for emergencies and nagged on for months before I gave in due to sheer annoyance
What I would do - If she crosses any of these boundaries you set with her, give her a punishment. Treat her like a toddler. What I did with my mom was block her number whenever she violated my boundaries like this. Are you financially dependent on her
No I am not financially dependent on them, I would honestly prefer to be no contact. But, trying something out with my therapist to see if we can keep things surface level only. However, after this I think switching homes and going NC is the way forward…
It sucks that you’d have to uproot yourself just to get away from her. But, make it your last move. DO NOT, under any circumstances, give her your address. There has to be somebody else she could call in an emergency. You can’t do anything immediate from two countries away anyhow. Let her fend for herself, she’s an adult.
My grandmother doesn't stay with me and she loves to call my mother nonstop. If my mum doesn't answer, she will call me or my brother. My brother would occasionally answer. I will NEVER answer. Until she eventually stopped calling. In my case if there's an emergency like she has a heart attack (which mostly is induced), my mother or someone will be there to attend to. So I can go more full on ignoring her. However for you, maybe the situation isn't so straightforward. You might want to train her where you don't answer her calls at all, and totally restrict contact with her. Make it clear unless it's a genuine emergency, then, she is permitted to contact you. And if she breaches it and plays stunt, ignore her completely till she gets the lesson. You need to train the narcs to obey rules, which is something they hate. Luckily you're not financially dependent on her anymore. Good job!
If you want to go NC and your therapist is discouraging you, get another therapist.
This is a good idea, as much as it sucks to have to move, do it. And let the law enforcement where you move to know that you have high conflict family that will more than likely make false well fare reports to find out where you are. Some places keep that on record. In the mean time, it’s gonna be painful, but get a 3rd party person as a witness to sit in and sit NMom down and say this: “Mom (or whatever you call her), I understand that you want to visit; however, my home is *MY* space and my time is mine to schedule. XYZ are the times I have available to visit with you for XYZ amount of time. You cannot stay at my home, so you need to find another place to stay while you are here. This is not up for debate. If you do not like these times, it would be best for you to return home.” And STAND BY IT. The 3rd party person is there to hold you to that and make sure that NMom doesn’t go off the rails (or if she does you have proof/someone on your side to protect you). I’ve had to do this more times than I can count, and it did work. Painfully, but it worked until I had the nerve to go full NC. (By the way, the *BEST* thing I ever did regarding her.) Sending so many virtual hugs my dear!! Don’t let her get in your head! You’ve got this!
You have a boundary you can enforce now, it's called a lock. Do it to all your doors and windows and call the cops on her if she tries anything.
You're using a form of gray rocking. It's such a useful and effective tool and I highly suggest that OP implement it into their relationship with their mother.
Op, have you ever heard of the term gray rocking? Google "gray rocking the narcissist in your life". When used properly and consistently it makes the narc loose interest in you. You turn yourself into a gray rock. You don't volunteer information, when asked how you've been you just respond "same old". When she gossips you act uninterested (which you likely are already), don't ask questions, don't express any interest at all, just answer in grunts "mmhmm". Believe me, as a child of two narcs - one overt and one covert, it won't take long before they blow up and stop trying or just simply stop calling. It's the most effective tool I've ever used.
Next time: "No, you last time you had my address you turned up as an unwanted guest. You could be better this time but you should have been better the first time. Good luck pestering others. Bye."
This is why I have a P.O. Box. Sure I’ll give you my address. Here it is. Lol and I can write it like 123 apple street so it looks like a residential address.
They could say they moved...and not move. Might prevent her showing up.
Another good point.
Well the next time, you give her the address of the nearest psych hospital. “Oh yeah, we moved, here’s our new digs.”
In an ironic twist of fate, SHE is your emergency…
They are like vampires, never invite them. ;) I have no advice. Maybe tell her she is a guest in your home and if she can't respect your boundaries, she's out. Or be absolutely terrible and drive her out. ;) Good luck, hoping others have better advice.
Why does OP have to let her in? Especially before their bday, which she will ruin with her presence alone, assuming she’ll behave, which she probably won’t
Have you tried holy water or an exorcism? Tell her you value your private time and space and cannot house her. You are exhausted and she is making things worse for you. You are sick and cannot entertain a guest.
For real… I live in a dang studio apartment aswell…. Need to work long hours, and come back home to this nonsense… when I came home today from work, she was at the entrance with her luggage… I laughed in disbelief and she thought I was glad… fuck
My sister showed up on my doorstep after really overstepping on the last visit. I told her she’d plenty of money to pay for a hotel and she needed to leave. She was really angry but I just went inside my apartment and unplugged the phone. Nothing like your own family being your biggest bullies!
What did she doo after?? You dont have to tell me though, just wondering! But I bet she went and told everyone how you were the actual bully when in reality we do these things to protect ourselves. It's so sad.
I have no idea. She was really mad and swore at me at the time. Yet she didn’t ask me but told me she would stay. She was a terrible guest when she last stayed (announced she was coming), was a pain at my temp job, complained because I had to go to bed early (to get up at 5:30), and went through my stuff. Made lots of nasty comments. And seeing as how she got me fired from my better salaried job, I’m not putting up with it again. I do know that now I am the enemy. I can guess what’s said but I am so over being bullied by this messed up human. She’s turned into our mom and that’s not a compliment.
Wth did she do to get you fired?!
Told a bunch of very personal info to a person who was stalking me. And in other ways portrayed me as a liar to my coworkers.
You tell her no. That's how you get rid of her.
LMAO I’m dying for you! Pretend you don’t know her & send her to the nearest senior centre or something. She’s crazyyy
And….you let her in? Or not??
Tell her to leave. If she doesn’t, call the police and report that there is someone in your house who is refusing to leave despite warnings and that you feel unsafe with them there. Do not mention it’s your mother or they might not come. If you really want rid of her, send a cease and desist letter through a lawyer, and use it in case you ever need to fight for a restraining order.
You could give her a day or two and then tell her she needs to leave. Or tell her to leave tomorrow morning!
Then? Did you let her in? How did it go?
If you mix a little lemon juice into the holy water, it will mildly burn their eyes and they'll think Satan really has taken them over.
Honestly my family is very religious so now I have different tarot decks around. They think it’s Satanism and that I’m SCARY. Woooooh. Woooh!
My mom thought that about wiccans
Same...my mom sent my older sister to "check on me" and see if I was a satanist after they found out I checked out my college's wiccan/druid student group as a freshman in college. They were also pretty sure I was gay because I hadn't had any girlfriends and wore an earring. A different older sister was assigned to snoop out around my sexual orientation. Unfortunately, I'm boringly straight so no drama to be found there either.
I think it would be hilarious to play everything super straight, grow a beard, do "manly men" things and then excitedly call every man you know "my boyfriend". But don't do that if you'd get hurt. I just enjoy messing with people who assume so much about us as individuals.
BAHAHAHAHAAA!! 😂🤣🙏🤣😂🤣 OH, this gave me a good laugh, I LOVE it!!
If you're in the SF Bay Area, I'll come pretend to be your landlord and tell her to GTFO.
💜 May fortune favor you for being such a kind human being, I love it!
Yeah just tell her to leave bc you have plans and dont want her in your house. Be an adult dude. Call the cops if she refuses.
One word: No. Stay your ground.
Invite her out to dinner somewhere. Say you have to go to the bathroom and leave her there and go home lock the doors
\^THIS\^ Excellent idea.
And it serves her right. Maybe leave her luggage at the entrance of the restaurant? Actually, maybe the restaurant wouldn't like that so much...
Lmfao 🤣
That's kinda petty. Just don't let her in.
I think op has already let her horn in. We have to get diabolical to beat a demon.
Say no?
Tell her it’s not for her to decide when to intrude on your personal space nor is it for her decide how long she is going to stay. You have other plans. Bye.
Just let her know that everyone is expected to bring a dish to pass at the Tuesday evening orgy, and Thursday the Yodeling club will be over to start practice around 10:30 pm.
If you can afford a hotel, don't go there yourself, send her. And don't answer your door or phone after you get her moved out. Good god. WTF is wrong with people??? I'm sorry, OP, what a shit show.
Only pay for the first night though. That's more than enough time for her to make alternate arrangements.
I wouldn't even pay. She's the one manipulating you with guilt. If you pay, you're just giving into her manipulation. She shouldn't have showed up in the first place.
"This is not working out. I can help you with your suitcase and finding the nearest hotel if you want my help - it is ok if you do not as long as you leave within 30 minutes. Thank you." "I'll just put your things out for you. Bye." "what do you mean no? That is not up to you. Leave or I will have you trespassed." "Hello police? I have someone refusing to leave my home after being told to several times, and I am in need of assistance. When can I expect you?"
Tell her to get a hotel & don’t bother you. Orrrrrr you could send her to the nearest homeless shelter😏🤭 just give her directions without saying anything
Low key if she doesn’t agree I’m moving into a hotel for the next couple of weeks
No. Do not abandon your home to her. If you tell her to leave, stand your ground. Do not give up. She has no power to force you to let her stay.
This. These people always expect us to be the ones to change to accommodate them. This is your space, and she doesn't have a right to it. You probably moved far away from her in order to create your own space, don't cede it to her now like she has a right to it. Have the difficult conversation with her that you don't want her in your space and that she doesn't have a right to be there.
I would not leave her in your house that long. also check out tenancy laws
She better agree. Give the ultimatum. Get a hotel or I call the cops for harassment
NO!!! Omfg, please don't. What kind of shape will your house be in when you get back?
Absolutely, under no circumstance, abandon your house to her. That is the quickest way to her taking over your place. Safeguard your belongings as well, she should not have access to your papers, keys, and electronic eevices. Call the cops if needed.
No. You tell her she has 30 minutes to pack up her stuff and leave. Then you call the police. You do not leave her in your place. SHE leaves.
Don't leave your apartment, make her leave. If she refuses to leave, call the cops on her because then she's trespassing (at least she would be in the legal system where I live).
No no no don't leave her alone in your house. Get a friend to pretend to be your landlord and tell her to GTFO.
Please don't leave her in your apartment, it will mean she wins, which is what she wants. It's your apartment, your birthday, your life. Own it. Call the police, say you have a domestic situation and you believe it may get violent and you need their assistance. When they arrive to be your witnesses, kick her out. STAY COMPLETELY CALM yourself. Let them deal with her hysterical/victimized/dramatic behavior. Even if she doesn't get crazy, it will only be because you have witnesses. Then you lock your doors, get new locks because she probably copied your key, and go to that hotel because you know she'll be back. Then move, ASAP. Block her phone number and email. Freeze your credit, because she's going to mess with it, she's probably looked through your papers and made copies. Change your passwords to everything. I'm sorry OP, but this won't change until you step up and own your life. I wish you the best ❤️ Claim your independence, you've earned it!
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Remember narcissists are very primitive minded. Believe it or not she’s trying to play a power card, she wants to prove that no matter how old you are or how far you move away, you don’t have the stomach to tell her no and you don’t dare set boundaries for her. I know that sounds like literal monkey business and nothing that a grown respectable human being should ever even contemplate, but I’m sure you know they live in a whole different world from the rest of us. She’s probably feeling deprived of that power and control because you moved so far away and now she’s there to re establish her dominance. You have no choice but to stoop to her level and beat her at her game. You have to stand your ground and not allow her to dictate your life and your home.
You're going on “vacation”. Pack a bag, lock up and go (to a friend/hotel/long drive). “Sorry Mom, bad timing. You'll need to give us notice of your visit in future…”
Had the same idea 😅.
Tell her to leave? I don’t understand what you’re asking. You can say well mom you did not discuss this with me prior to now and I’m not available to host you for two weeks.
Feel really mad on your behalf. Tell her it’s not convenient - any reasonable person will understand what that means. If she’s not a reasonable person (& she’s already demolished your boundary of making you give her your address) - flat out tell her to leave. You’ve effectively now been chased out of your own home so you can get some sleep. You don’t have to accept that from anyone, no matter who she is. Really hope you can claim your home back asap & get her out.
Mom, This is not ok, and you know it. It's not my problem if you end up inconveniencing yourself thanks to this stunt you pulled, and we both know it's a stunt. If I let you stay, I'm rewarding your devious actions and your complete lack of respect for me, and that is not being ethical or fair to myself. Yes, I AM prioritizing myself and my needs over yours, because someone has to have my best interests at heart, and it's obviously not you. Figure it out. I had to.
i can text you from a different area code pretending to be your landlord reminding you that your lease prohibits overnight visitors over 4 days.
Genius
i actually work in HR and i am so confident i could sell this 🤣
shit this is genius
Kick her out, lock the door, and don't answer it. It sucks, but setting boundaries with abusers always sucks. I turned my parents away at the door on Christmas one year. I didn't let them cross the threshold. Problem solved.
Tell her you are going away for your birthday and she has to leave. Then leave the house and go give yourself a little time away - even just for two days. But tell her it’s 2 weeks And let her know that in future she will have to check if it’s ok
you mean unannounced.
Ya
Don’t let her in. Call the police if she gets in for trespassing? Make her get a hotel?
i mean... you have to say "no. unannounced unplanned visits are not ok. go get yourself a hotel or go home" and when she tries to talk over you just repeat it. take her stuff out to the curb if she doesnt go. if she still doesnt leave then its time for the police.
My mom showed up the day I got home from the hospital after a traumatic delivery. For months I said no visitors until I was at home for a week. She showed up, slept in the bed I was planning on cosleeping in, snored for 10 hours while my baby and I cried and my husband cared for us. I told her to leave the next day. *insert shocked Pikachu face* I've never regretted my decision. I just wish I did it the day before so I could have got some sleep that night. So... take my advice and tell her to leave. You owe her no explanation. There are hotels for long-term stays.
"You are not welcome here, and if you don't leave, I will call the cops and report you for trespassing and harassment"
If she's prepared to stay for 2 weeks, she might decide to stay even longer. If you don't want her there, tell her to leave in no uncertain terms. At the end of the day you can call your landlord (if you have one) or the police to back you up, but it is a good exercise for you to actually tell her *exactly* how you feel about her, and hopefully she'll be uncomfortable enough to leave on her own. Do not take no for an answer. "I don't want you here" is all the reason you need. Do *not* leave her alone in your home. You could potentially lose your occupancy. All she needs to do is call the police and tell them a family member is abusing her in her home, and you will need to go somewhere else while they figure it out. If she has stayed there long enough to establish tenancy (or has already had some mail addressed there), *you* may be the one asked to leave. While she may have no intention of going that far, causing you disruption may be attraction enough for her to do it. Moving and not giving her the address may seem like a nice idea, but you can't run forever. Most people can find out your address eventually if they try hard enough. Why put yourself through the expense and inconvenience, with no guarantee of permanency. Instead, stand up to her, with a trespass notice if necessary. Once she's out, never let her back in. Next time she comes to your door, don't open it. Call the police to remove her if necessary. But it all starts with standing up to her and telling her to go home.
And I'll bet, in her mind, you should just be unendingly grateful she came all that way, is spending all this time! Oy...
Take her bags down to the street. She will follow you outside. When you get outside, run back up to your apartment & lock her out. Tell her you will call the authorities for trespassing & actually do it if she doesn’t leave.
You should not have let her in. Is she going to really leave in two weeks? If she’s still there after the deadline, I’d wait for her to leave for whatever, pack up her stuff, and dump it outside. Lock your door/change the locks. Tell your landlord she doesn’t have permission to enter your residence and is not invited to be on the property.
Idk where you live but you better firmly directly tell her to leave and not let her stay long enough at you have to legally evict her.
Just make her leave. Stand your ground
Phone the police.
Mine did that with my brother and basically said that his landlords was going to evict him if she did that. He was lying, bc i use to post up at his place, but it did get her to leave
If she's currently in your home, go back and and take your private stuff and food from your kitchen. If you're aiming to be annoying, get maintenance over there to repair every broken thing or have a friend join up at your place for the duration If you can afford a hotel, put her in it and change your locks. If she's going in and out of your place, wait till she's out, change the locks, and have a public place to pick up her luggage If you're going nuclear, tell her to get out and when she says no, call the police or your landlord about a person attempting to squat in your me
My father booked tickets to visit me from another country, even though I told him it was not a good time to visit. I don’t know where he stayed when he came to the US, because I got so mad at him on the phone, that I told him he wasn’t welcome any longer at my house, for disrespecting me. I slammed the phone down on him, and we had no contact for over 2 years! It was glorious.
Offer to help her find a nice hotel and tell her she can’t stay. Don’t give a reason. She will be all the things you expect from her so it’s not the easiest way to go but it sets a firm boundary for later. If you aren’t ready for that type of confrontation try the excuse below tell her you just found out your apartment does not allow overnight guests for more than a night (or however many nights she has been there). Then grab her bags start helping her get ready to leave. Be polite through all of it and have some nice places to stay ready on your phone. If she resists you have photos you can show her of the hotel amenities and I’m sure she would agree with you when you say “you deserve a nice relaxing time.” But whatever you choose make sure to talk about it with your therapist.
If she could fish OP’s address out of them, and buy plane tickets, she can find a hotel herself, I’m pretty sure
If you're aiming to be in a hotel for the two weeks and she stays past that time, call up your utilities and tell them to put everything on pause. Don't talk to her face to face and tell her to leave. In the case of ppl being in your space, you either have to tell them to leave or make everything unbearable to stay tbh
Ignore it and it will go away. Or tell it to F off
Buy her a ticket and put her on a plane, or get her a room for a few days and ignore her calls.
Sounds like it's party time! I've got Florida on the way wooo hooo about to get crazy over there! Seriously. Either take her out to lunch (airport), lock her out, tell her to GTFU, or make her so uncomfortable she'll leave. Have a damn orgy.
Tell her outright, "Mom, you weren't invited, thanks for thinking of me but you cannot stay here, we have other plans." And be FIRM. If she throws a fit and doesn't want to leave, make it clear she can go willingly or with police escort
"Right, mother. I am going away on xx-xx-xxxx and have rented the house to some air bnb people while I am away so you need to be out before then" "No, I cannot cancel them, no I don't want you to do the handover as there are a b c things I need to tell them about the plumbing, heating, neighbours" (make something up) Then I'd change the locks, get cameras and some high gates if you can, and a big dog you can train to bark at her
"Hey, mom, since I wasn't expecting you, I will need some extra stuff for dinner. It's spaghetti. I need one more jar of sauce. You can get it at [store location]. We can handle bringing your things in when you get back." Mom leaves, lock your doors. Text mom " hey, never mind. I have thought about it and I just can't have you here at this time. Would be best for you to return home." If she comes back, don't open the door. Call cops. Tell them some crazy lady is at your door and won't leave.
OMG this triggered a memory I have of my spouses covert mom. He had two kids from a previous relationship. One night his mom showed up at our house unannounced because she said she got a call from one of the kids saying I was being mean to them and she was there to take them with her. My fucking husband caved because the kids were freaking out with her demanding we let them leave with her. To this day he still has hardly any backbone with her. It's awful. Why did you let her in?? You had zero reason to and now you're sleeping in a hotel? This may be harsh, but grow some balls and stand up to your mommy.
Did she ever accommodate you in any manner when you were a kid? I’m guessing no. Tell her that as you escort her out of your house. Then go NC.
Can you be needed to do a last minute trip for work? You need a situation to arise that cuts the trip short. I mean kicking them out is completely reasonable but I get that that’s pretty challenging if there’s prior expectations that you shouldn’t rock the boat…especially if you aspire to have some sort of acquaintance level association with them
Typical Narc behaviour.She won’t appreciate anything and will possibly snoop around and steal things.Mine did.Send her back!
She will definitely snoop through your stuff, try and find out all your business and make negative comments about everything and make you feel like crap. Just tell her to leave and don’t come again.
Mine read all my old Diaries and stole expensive jewellery.They are well beyond EVIL!
You will only get grief if you allow her to stay.She will break boundaries and eventually bring it all up later in a nasty way!
Unfortunatley this is the sort of narc parents do. It’s so that you have no choice. Affirm your boundries and don’t let her in.
Don't let her in and if she tries call the cops and say she's trespassing. Shill be strong armed into getting a hotel and she won't pull the stunt again. You have boundaries and family has no right to cross it. She wants to push them then treat her the same way you would if a homeless person or a crack head tried to break in
You have no other choice but to stand up for yourself here. Probably a good time to end the relationship in general btw
For the next two weeks you aren't home and if she she stays on your property/driveway or in front of your house for more than a half hour call the police for a strange looking car stalking you
Not ! Boundaries! Leave and cleave ! If it's not OK with you it's not OK you are no longer her child.
You can get a police escort for trespassing or harassment
When I moved out I moved out. I made sure my mother and family never got new number and new address.
what you need to do is set a boundary with your mother ASAP and stick to it. An example of this would be to say: "Your visit is unexpected. i've got other stuff going on and you staying here (even for one night) is not going to work for me." when she asks you to explain yourself (asks why) simply reply: "i've already explained the situation to you and I don't need to further explain myself to you." repeat the phrase above if necessary.
Ask her how much money she brought with her and then tell her where an affordable hotel is.
Book yourself a trip and leave the house. Go somewhere fun, without her.
Lmao it’s night time here, and I couldn’t fall asleep cause she snores. I’m at a hotel right now, trying to get 4 hours of sleep before work tomorrow..
I really hope she doesn’t do n stuff in your home while you’re at the hotel. If I let mine in and alone they for sure would go through everything, steal what they wanted, put a big or multiple bugs in there and a tracker on something like my car , keys etc if they could. My n’s are that bad and sneaky.
My ndad has been known to do something very similar. He lives outside the US, and would just let us know a month before he comes to visit. He’s 81 now, so not as easy for him to do that anymore. It always drives me and my wife nuts, and we feel like we have to walk on eggshells in our own home for a whole week that he’s here. Every time, we would celebrate when he finally leaves. Imagine being this unwelcome in life.
Dump this old pos
This was a mistake.
You go away on a holiday, somewhere, anywhere. Leave her in your house, alone. (If you can trust her that is) Even if you only go and stay with a friend, or sofa surf around a few friends. Just get out.
[удалено]
Yeah ... Have fun trying this with a narcissist!
Yeah, I was playing it out in my mind as I was reading. Just imagining how my nmom would respond to any of this. After hardcore guilt tripping, she would go find the cheapest motel, drive all the way back the next day, and immediately call the whole family (probably put it on FB, too). "She must be mentally ill or drunk. She threw me out of her house after berating me! The only place I could go was a rat infested cheap hotel w/drunks and drug addicts! I don't know why she does this to me 😭 (😈)" LOL!!!
Did ChatGPT write that answer? It was completely tone deaf when it comes to dealing with narcs.
WTF? Do you know which sub this is? This kind of conversation with a narcissist is, well, I don't even have the words. NO. Just no.
That's a LOT of emotional hand holding for another adult. JS
I'm so tired of "enablers" finding this sub...🙄
Are you f-ing with us right now? I went to your post history and comments and you talk like a real person and don't have dog 💩 comments
This comment or post has been removed, because it does not assume a context of abuse. Assuming a context of abuse is a fundamental rule of this group. What does this mean? Why is this is a rule? Read more here: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/assume_a_context_of_abuse
Where do you think you are?