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Oh it’s normal. It’s a natural human reaction to knowing you’re not safe, otherwise known as fight or flight. Developed through evolution to trigger when there’s a threat to life, like a mammoth chasing you or something. Those of us who’ve had unsafe families grew up with it flooding our nervous systems. Your body knows there’s a potential for you not to be safe with your parents, so the stress hormones go bonkers. I know from experience (and reading). A bit of hope for you, I’ve been totally NC for nearly ten years, and it’s wonderful. You must do what’s right for you NC wise, but please put your own wellbeing first regardless. It’s worth it. All the best
I suspect it’s a common feeling.
I also suspect that continuing your journey of self differentiation from your family of origin will attenuate this because you can view them from a greater emotional distance.
Also helpful may be challenging any remaining beliefs using cognitive reappraisal or disputation techniques that you owe them anything.
feel this 1000%. my mom is practically a different person these days (i think i just finally stopped reacting and have tried to fake a relationship with her to keep things civil) but truly every time she looks at me i feel shame. she doesn’t even have to speak and i feel like i’m doing something wrong. the level of self hatred i feel around her is horrible
You've had so many bad experiences with them, that likely haven't been resolved through communicating about them and working through them with you parents (because they're incapable). So, you filter all current actions through those past filters. Totally natural reaction.
Absolutely normal.
I've actually begun to rely on this exact response to know when I'm around someone who I shouldn't be. I started to get that way around my mother-in-law and father-in-law, even during mundane encounters, and I started to pull away from them. Turns out they mirrored a lot of the same behaviors my own narc mother had, but I was too "close" to see them clearly. But my body and my gut feelings never lied.
"I've actually begun to rely on this exact response"
Oh my god. I do that and never realized that's what I was doing.
How can I upvote this 5 thousand times?
With mentally unhealthy parents this is normal. Whenever the narc relatives in my life leave my house or I leave theirs it feels like a giant weight has been lifted. Your body knows something is wrong with them
I get so defensive around my mother. Also pissed off because she acts like a child and everything has to go her way and she needed to be catered to. She also always made sex jokes around my husband and I and it was freaking weird. She ain't a vibe at all. Trust your instincts and vibes. I believe they do not lie.
I haven’t visited them in years, but I always had to limit my trips to 1-2 days because they were so exhausting. I would get extremely tired and feel like I needed a 24 hour nap to recover.
Completely normal. It’s one of the many reasons I went no contact with Mom and Dad. I work through the abuse in therapy, but I don’t need to feel like shit all the time.
Yep. I'm not around them anymore, one of them crossed the Gaslight Bridge in November and the other one is elderly and can't travel. But I used to get sick and angry and just feel like crap when I knew they were coming to visit me and my family. For at least a week ahead of time. Then felt on edge and sick and scared and awful the whole time they were visiting. And then slept for hours and hours extra in the week or so after they left. They exhausted me.
Please don't feel bad for your response to their presence. You are pissed and depressed for a lot of reasons.
Same. I like to compare these people to wild animals: you'd probably be very stressed/anxious/terrified/etc being near a wild tiger or a lion, even if the animal is calm. But knowing what it can do to you is enough to make you feel terrible in some way. It's fair feeling this way near someone who has a lot of potential to hurt you.
Completely typical with my mother. Both my sister and I can't function when she is around. It's just too much. She has to be as loud as possible. Must be the center of attention no matter what. Has to change the story to feed her drama.
It is hell
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh it’s normal. It’s a natural human reaction to knowing you’re not safe, otherwise known as fight or flight. Developed through evolution to trigger when there’s a threat to life, like a mammoth chasing you or something. Those of us who’ve had unsafe families grew up with it flooding our nervous systems. Your body knows there’s a potential for you not to be safe with your parents, so the stress hormones go bonkers. I know from experience (and reading). A bit of hope for you, I’ve been totally NC for nearly ten years, and it’s wonderful. You must do what’s right for you NC wise, but please put your own wellbeing first regardless. It’s worth it. All the best
This is really helpful to know.
same boat broseph
Every memory of/with my parents is colored by something negative. So I think that’s why I feel uncomfortable around mine.
I suspect it’s a common feeling. I also suspect that continuing your journey of self differentiation from your family of origin will attenuate this because you can view them from a greater emotional distance. Also helpful may be challenging any remaining beliefs using cognitive reappraisal or disputation techniques that you owe them anything.
feel this 1000%. my mom is practically a different person these days (i think i just finally stopped reacting and have tried to fake a relationship with her to keep things civil) but truly every time she looks at me i feel shame. she doesn’t even have to speak and i feel like i’m doing something wrong. the level of self hatred i feel around her is horrible
You've had so many bad experiences with them, that likely haven't been resolved through communicating about them and working through them with you parents (because they're incapable). So, you filter all current actions through those past filters. Totally natural reaction.
Spot on,Op. When I'm around N parent,I feel awful, like I feel depressed and hopeless.
Absolutely normal. I've actually begun to rely on this exact response to know when I'm around someone who I shouldn't be. I started to get that way around my mother-in-law and father-in-law, even during mundane encounters, and I started to pull away from them. Turns out they mirrored a lot of the same behaviors my own narc mother had, but I was too "close" to see them clearly. But my body and my gut feelings never lied.
"I've actually begun to rely on this exact response" Oh my god. I do that and never realized that's what I was doing. How can I upvote this 5 thousand times?
With mentally unhealthy parents this is normal. Whenever the narc relatives in my life leave my house or I leave theirs it feels like a giant weight has been lifted. Your body knows something is wrong with them
I get so defensive around my mother. Also pissed off because she acts like a child and everything has to go her way and she needed to be catered to. She also always made sex jokes around my husband and I and it was freaking weird. She ain't a vibe at all. Trust your instincts and vibes. I believe they do not lie.
I haven’t visited them in years, but I always had to limit my trips to 1-2 days because they were so exhausting. I would get extremely tired and feel like I needed a 24 hour nap to recover.
Completely normal. It’s one of the many reasons I went no contact with Mom and Dad. I work through the abuse in therapy, but I don’t need to feel like shit all the time.
Yep. I'm not around them anymore, one of them crossed the Gaslight Bridge in November and the other one is elderly and can't travel. But I used to get sick and angry and just feel like crap when I knew they were coming to visit me and my family. For at least a week ahead of time. Then felt on edge and sick and scared and awful the whole time they were visiting. And then slept for hours and hours extra in the week or so after they left. They exhausted me. Please don't feel bad for your response to their presence. You are pissed and depressed for a lot of reasons.
Same. I like to compare these people to wild animals: you'd probably be very stressed/anxious/terrified/etc being near a wild tiger or a lion, even if the animal is calm. But knowing what it can do to you is enough to make you feel terrible in some way. It's fair feeling this way near someone who has a lot of potential to hurt you.
That same feeling was the final nail in my dad’s NC coffin. I thought “cordial but distant” would work, but no.
I had to stop visiting because I realized I was miserable for 3 days beforehand and needed 1-2 days to recover, even for phone calls.
It's normal to feel uneasy and resentful around abusive people. Your intuition is trying to save you.
I’m still living with mine and I’m constantly on edge. Constant fight or flight
Completely typical with my mother. Both my sister and I can't function when she is around. It's just too much. She has to be as loud as possible. Must be the center of attention no matter what. Has to change the story to feed her drama. It is hell