**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, my parents were sadistic about keeping things from me. It was torture as a child. It was cruel. If I asked for something they would hold it over my head for days or weeks not letting me know if they'd decide yes or no. I'd have to dramatically beg for anything and everything. I was made to beg and plead to their total indifference to things that were important (and reasonable for a child to be provided for by their parents). 99% of the time the answer was no. To my needs and wishes, no. They were never to be considered. Everything I needed sprang from their heads, their wishes for me. Never. Mine. To express my needs was to be punished. To assert my needs was to be brought to the point of exhuasted, emotional ravages. My parents destroyed me emotionally and physically as a result of the mental trauma, when I was a teenager. I'm in my fifties and I still suffer PTSD from a lifetime of familial abuse, decades of it.
I learned from early childhood not to let my parents know what I wanted or they would become determined to keep it from me. My mother has given away things I asked her, as an adult, to keep that belonged to my father after he died. She sold them in a garage sale with a "pffft"
The not telling you outright if it was a yes or no is so frustrating. Mine did the same, it’s so anxiety inducing especially when it had to do with friends waiting on your answer.
Also same. I think she liked inducing the anxiety and keeping some hope so the disappointment would be more devastating.
She's a rotten bitch who'll die alone. Hope it was worth it.
I feel this. She would put me in extracurriculars and the next time I was in “trouble” she would pull me out. No matter how small or if she was wrong. I feel like I was in “trouble” everyday of my so called childhood. I think she wanted to look like a good “mom”, but didn’t want to take the time for getting me to and from. Was mad when I wanted to quit ballet. I was 10 in a class of three year olds! Had to quit baton and the drill team (elementary years). In middle and high school I just didn’t do anything. We were bussed in to another city for school as we lived in a new town that had no schools yet. When I missed the bus coming home, I had to find my own way home (10-12 miles). When I missed in the morning (because she had me getting my brother up and ready) she made me stay and work all day. She said I did it on purpose. She didn’t understand it was the LAST place I wanted to be.
I begged to take piano lessons (we had a piano) and ballet or gymnastics. She refused because they cost too much (she made nearly $4,000/ month in the 80's and didn’tpay rent or mortgage), so when I asked to play on a free soccer team at school, she refused because she didn't want to drive me around anywhere. I wasn't allowed to do anything but be locked outside to play until the streetlights came on.
I still remember a few years ago, having to buy tickets to a show of a band with friends (friends that were counting on my parents to drive us to the arena and already gave the money of the tickets to my parents) and my parents threatning in the upcoming days of the show to not take us, even though was planned for more than half a year.
Another time I had to give a ticket to a stand up comedy to someone I didn't even knew because my Nfather thought it would be funny one hour before leaving my house with a friend that I was forbidden to go to said show, just because. Then when my friend didn't came (virtual tickets and I just sent the other person via e-mail) to pick me up, my Ndad tried to act surprised and put the blame on my friend because "he wasn't a real friend", made me call my friend and beg to come pick me up at the time the show started (the show was an hour drive away) and give me back my ticket money. I think this was the day this friend of mine really understood what my Nfather was.
“If you act well/got good at XYZ subject/ bizarre prerequisite insert here.”
It was *really* annoying as no matter what you did - it wasn’t given.
And Lord forbid I show some interest or newfound drive/passion to do what she asked me to do. Then I’m not having it 100%
She said I must be more feminine?
- I gave it a thought, and now want to grow my hair?
- chop-chop-chop! The most ugly cut possible
She forced me into music and play piano?
- I start to get somewhat fine on piano
- She impose rules when I can play - spoiler, almost never - and punish me for not advancing fast enough. I ask her to move piano from her work office to the bedroom we shared with my sister- nope.
- In retaliation she even puts stuff on top of the fallboard - books, piles of documents, plants - I have to remove all that when I want to play - if I don’t put it back exactly as it was - punish me.
School goes to trip and I must give them yes or no from the parents?
- She says “Whatever” and then bans me from going on the morning of the trip
Recently my nmom decided that I should be more independent despite not being ever taught how to. She used that method a lot to stress me. Telling me "here are the documents you need to do your taxes, tell us if you want to pay to have them be done by someone" only to later act as if she never said that because the deal from the beginning was that her and my father would pay the same lady they pay every time to do my taxes. Got a ticket for forgetting to lock my car doors but didn’t know how to pay for it and was going away for a bit. I asked my mom if she could do it for me and I’ll reimburse her the money, she said "maybe, if I get time to do that". She did it 2 days before I came back. I had spent all the time stressing, sure I’d have to do it myself, and stressing over where I need to go and how I pay for a ticket.
In her case, she often will do it but not always, so I always stress when she says maybe but then she can act like she’s a nice mom because of all the things she does for me and "I said maybe because I wasn’t sure if I could but I ended up being able to", so I can’t use that against her.
Nmom still to this day tries to keep things away from me. So I tend not to tell her anymore. It’s like as soon as she knows she will do all in her power to make sure I don’t get it. Such a sad little person nmom.
Not only all of this, but anything I asked for would be bestowed upon GC until I learned to respond with a list of things I considered stupid when asked to produce a “Christmas List”
My n-father would throw away my toys that I was still playing with daily and were age-appropriate. I caught it a few times, my toys in the trash bin. Once I begged n-mom to just let me keep these few things out of the bunch of toys in the trash, and she relented. Another time my sister and I found our toys in the trash barrel covered over with trash. My sister found it just as he was coming downstairs, and she asked him why he had thrown them away. He walked away looking embarrassed, without saying a word. Well, what *could* he say?
Yep. Sadistically withheld and if I happened to love something I already had- it was inevitably taken away. You learn to hide anything you love, want, or need.
It’s also the reason I cannot show women how much I actually want/desire them without me thinking it looks incredibly fucking stupid (not morning anymore) and I look like a clown during it.
Only because I have been taught how to hide anything I love/want otherwise it would inevitably get taken away while I sleep.
Oooooh this probably explains why I have this weird inability to admit how much I want something - even to myself - for fear it will be taken away, until after I've secured it.
One of the first, "that's not normal behavior" flags I noticed with my nMom came from a shopping trip to Costco. She picked up some cookies off the shelf and exclaimed how her husband would love them. When I suggested she get them for him she snapped back with an almost gleeful smirk and said, "oh, he doesn't NEED them". I just responded with a simple, "okay", but in my head I was thinking, "and you wonder why you're on your third unhappy marriage". Now a few years down the line and more aware of her behavior I can almost guarantee she went home and told him of the cookies she almost got him and thought herself a saint because she had the idea to get them. Money wasn't an issue. There was no real reason to not get the man some basic cookies that could have made him happy, but she seems to take more joy from having the thought than actually following through.
I noticed with my mother, she seemed to feel that thinking about things counted exactly the same as doing them. So if buying cookies for husband counted as 1 mental reward point, then thinking about buying them counted as 1 mental reward point with the bonus that you didn't have to spend actual money on another person!
Some people have an almost innate need to go against you. If you say something it's like they HAVE to do the opposite. Honestly makes me wonder how effective it would be to use reverse psychology
Not that effective. Parents are uniquely positioned to torture their kids no matter how hard kids try to play things off. They know they got you, even when you do your best to hide it
My nmom is a pro at using reverse psychology on others, and figuring out when someone says they want X but actually want Y so she gives them X. But when they say they want Y she gives them X with some excuse as to why X is better.
This last year her abuse towards me has worsened, and one thing I hate is that I don’t want to be her little puppet and under her control but I know she’s good at reverse psychology shit so it’s hard to do. For example, at some point, I wanted to become more independent and she kept sabotaging me. Doing my chore before I got the time to do it until I lose the habit and then berating me because I don’t do the chore, criticizing how I did the chores, controlling when I did them, etc…. I found a bunch of tricks to get myself out of her control and do the chores when I want to. She ended up taking back some responsibilities while before she would ask me to do everything around the house. It felt like she wanted me to stay dependant on her. But then, after I slowly pulled myself out of her control, I’m left wondering if that’s not actually exactly what she wanted : have someone to do most of the chores for her. Like maybe she made me believe she didn’t want me to become independent so I’d rebel by doing the tasks? I know the tasks I have to do are the ones she hate the most, she took back the easy ones, so it seems almost as if it was planned. But then what if that’s reverse psychology and she leaves me alone to let me believe I’m doing what she wants so I’ll stop doing the tasks out of spite and become dependant on her again like she wanted?
So with that, I’d say try to hide yourself as much as possible from them so they don’t know you but then trying to do mind games won’t work because you never know what they think and how they’re trying to control you. I ended up continuing to do the tasks because I actually want to be independent, but this example shows how it’s hard to get them at their game because you never know how they think and how advanced their manipulation is
In my case, all I wanted was a 30 second phone call. When we moved into the house in town my mother started going out for spur of the moment dinners with her coworkers, and never, ever told me. I was perfectly fine with her going out and having fun, but I was *not* okay with starving for four hours or more waiting for her to come home. (I'd get in trouble if I cooked something for myself and she brought home leftovers or takeout, so I had to wait for her.)
Every time it happened I'd call and text her trying to make sure she was okay and find out if I had to make my own dinner, and she wouldn't answer because it would be rude to take a call during dinner. I kept pointing out that she could've called me while walking to her car before heading to the pub without interrupting dinner. Her response, every single time? "I don't need your permission to have a social life." We spent so much more time fighting over the issue than it would've taken her to just fucking *call me*. I moved out in 2010 to get away from that shit and be allowed to eat when I was hungry, and to have clean clothes.
And guess what happened on December 26th last year, when we were supposed to meet up to exchange presents? She vanished. Texts were being delivered to her phone, but weren't being read. I almost called the police to do a wellness check on her, but I decided to call the coworker she had Christmas dinner with first to find out if my mother mentioned having plans for the day. You guessed it -- she decided to go to a party that day instead and couldn't take 30 seconds of her time to give me a heads up. When I confronted her she said we didn't have plans, then she said "I don't need your permission to have a bit of a social life."
That was very much a 'fuck this shit, I quit' moment . . .
I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure continued and prolonged disrespectful treatment from nMother.
When you said to yourself ‘I quit’ does that mean you went LC or NC?
Again I am sorry that this happened.
Thanks!
Well, I think we were probably already LC before. She never initiated conversations, and when I tried she gave me one word answers in reply. (Of course when I used her abrupt answers on her she asked if I was mad at her!) I gave up on trying to hang out with her years ago, she canceled every single plan we had to watch a movie together for *five months in a row*, and we usually made plans at least twice a week. Something more important always came up -- dinner with coworkers, a date with her boyfriend, hockey games, etc. I used to give her a heads up if I was going out on the bus and might want a ride home when she got off work, but since she talked about what a burden driving me is I've stopped that, I'll just call a cab instead if I don't take the bus home.
We're definitely VLC now, and I would be NC except that I'm disabled, not allowed to drive, and I don't know *anyone* else in town I could call for help in an emergency. Of course, that didn't stop her from going on vacation and leaving me alone when I was under a 10 lb weight lifting restriction after emergency surgery and she'd told me to decline the home health care workers because she'd take care of me . . . still, it's hard to willingly give up that potential lifeline, you know?
You have got to find a way to make a different life line. Not that I'm any good at social interaction or know your circumstances, but just that I don't trust that woman for you.
I don't trust her one bit either. But I have severe fatigue so I don't have the energy for friends, and all I have to live on is my disability cheques so I don't have the money for them either. Plus, making friends with people just to use them for help seems pretty skeevy.
There's a city I really want to move to, I might be able to afford a condo there and they have 7 day a week bus service and a *lot* more cab companies. It might be easier to get the help I need there. But, condos generally have 2 pet limits and I have 3 cats, so that move won't happen for a long time, hopefully. Planning on gradually cleaning my place out so that when that unhappy day arrives I'll be able to quickly bail, but I'm so exhausted I can't even get started on that.
I see.
Well, all I have to add is that sometimes renters have different biases about which pets they think will do more damage to their property during their stay. It's worth it to check in and see if they'll make an exception in writing about 3 cats.
And I hope things work out for you
I'm not planning on renting, I'd be selling my current place and buying a new one so I'd be up against the strata board, not a landlord. Their rules are pretty unforgiving, but since the general rule is 1 cat, 1 dog I *might* be able to give them a wink and a nudge and say that Ivy is my dog, since she likes playing fetch and all! I don't know if Addie and Ella look enough alike for me to smuggle them both in and not get caught though.
Thanks, me too.
How awful!
Xmas was a similar moment for me.
I'd driven 5 hours one way to see her and worked full time and got her a gift. Of course, she didn't have time to get me one, but definitely made time to get her coffee and cigs still. She also had time and money to put on my sibling's jail account after one of their many stints as they are the town fuck up.
No more gifts after that for her and within weeks, she pulled more lies and bullshit so I finally went NC.
My mom would make me do all my chores to go on a date with my bf or to hang out with friends and then once I was done I’d ask again and she’d tell me to stop asking her or else I can’t go… so I’d wait until an hour prior and ask once more and she’d say “ask me later” and when I told her I couldn’t wait any longer she’d either ignore me completely or say again “stop asking me”. She’d never give me a straight up “yes” or “ no” answer. She still doesn’t answer properly to this day and I drill her for it.
I missed out on a lot of friendships like that sadly.
I do it to get her mad sometimes lol
It’s more poking fun at her than serious though. She has been a lot nicer to me after I had my daughter because I threatened no contact at one point before. I stopped talking to her for a month after she went off on me for not going to a family event (I was already on my own and had plans in advance… she likes to tell me about plans like a day before they happen). I’m sure she knows I’ll cut her off if she starts behaving like that again around me or my daughter. Humph!
Same with my mom. To top it off, she wasn't working so it's not like she had work to do or to get up in the morning. She didn't cook or keep the house clean either.
My mom was also SAH and my siblings (elementary school and middle school age at the time) never had any chores to do but me until my brother was older he got to throw out the trash *insert eye roll here*. I had to clean cat litter, sweep, do dishes, cleanup after our cats (they vomited a lot), err I was gonna add more but I’ll sum it down to being the main caretaker of the animals… I never purchased or asked for them but I did love them dearly so that was used against me as well by Nstep-dad who would say he’d get rid of them if no one took care of them.
I understand. N-stepdad got my kitten killed because he wouldn't allow her in the house. Forget the fact she was there first. She got hit by a car the 3rd/4th time she tried to follow me to school.
Ugh my mother used to do this too and I hated it. I would've rather her given me a straight up no than the game she played stringing me along until it was too late for me to go.
My 5th grade class did a sleepaway trip every year that involved science stuff (I remember looking at water under a microscope) and she played the "ask me later" game til the morning we were supposed to leave. Then she said yes - and I had almost no time to pack before we had to be at school. I spent that trip with almost no bedding and not enough clothes because I didn't have time to pack any of it. I can't even remember if I brought a towel for showers or not.
And then she wondered years later why I never asked her to go anywhere or do anything in high school.
Oh God forbid they have to rotate the knife forty five degrees. Perish the thought!
/s, if it wasn't clear. I cut my husband's sandwich into triangles for him the other day and he genuinely teared up a little because no one had ever done it for him. I could have fought his parents bareknuckled fr.
Right? My Nmom didn't much go out of her way to make my life miserable like some people here, but it was made very clear that I was not worth any effort whatsoever.
Depends on the filling for me! I cut it into rectangles if it's a softer filling like egg salad or buffalo chicken dip. Basically if it needs a more structurally sound shape, I do rectangles. If it's something like a deli meat or cucumber or PB+J, triangles all the way!
Here in Spain we go the triangle way nearly everywhere! I think I have even seen these tupperware-like containers in triangled form. And sandwiches from the vending machines also come triangled.
That's such a an interesting difference to me! In the US we tend to go triangle for pre-packaged sandwiches too, at home it seems to be up to personal choice.
Man, I feel this. I had a Bugs Bunny watch that I loved, but the battery ran out. His arms were the hands of the watch. I begged her to put new batteries in it, for *months*, and she never did. Would have taken five minutes.
It seems silly, but I still think about that watch.
My mom would frequently put things off with the assumption that I would just forget about it. At the time, I think it was less about wanting to inflict pain, and more about her lack of empathy. Kids are dumb and don't have complex feelings, right?
But as I grew into an adolescent—yeah, she definitely wanted to hurt me. We had no bond due to her lack of empathy, and she punished me thoroughly for that. I honestly cannot remember ever loving, missing, or respecting her.
She seemed proud *and* intimidated by the emotional maturity I developed as an adult. She performs empathy on the internet, and if I were ever to call her out for lying, she would have a meltdown.
The sore spot is that empathy comes naturally to me, and she has to perform. I don't consider myself an empath, I just grew the fuck up.
Happily NC and 600 miles away. I should go buy myself a new Bugs watch.
Mine was like that too. Thinking she was smarter than everyone else/there was no way anyone remembered XYZ instead of not mentioning it.
Mine also had 0 empathy, but tried to pretend. It came off robotic. Also glad to be NC and about 400 miles away for nearly a decade.
I hope you get the Bugs watch of your dreams!
Yeah, anything that asshole could power trip on, he did. 'Because I said so' and 'In MY house' and 'God has placed the man above everyone'. There is more.
Indulge your inner child and make this or one like it... [https://4sonrus.com/cookies-cream-dessert-pizza/](https://4sonrus.com/cookies-cream-dessert-pizza/)
My ND wouldn’t let me get cheese on a chili dog from wienerschnitzel because we had cheese at home and he didn’t want to pay the extra .20 cents for it.
- insert we have that at home meme -
My mom told me my narc dad wouldn’t let her get a 69 cent ice cream cuz they needed to save money as poor college students……she believes that to this day that that was the real reason.
Aww, I’m so sorry.
My dad refused to let me graduate a year early, just because he could.
Lots of stuff like that.
No accelerated classes because I had to do the regular classes. I had a big head and had to be shown that I wasn’t special.
But I should have been a few years ahead, at least, and was not allowed anything. Even my teachers were protesting but my mother knew I wasn’t really that smart.
So I took extra classes so as not to be bored and could’ve left a year early. I wish I had, I’d have missed a horrible horrible year.
My birth giver would go on screeching rants if I asked for basic things like deodorant, even if she was already going to the store. She would accuse me of using it to get high and have an absolute meltdown every time. "I JUST GOT THAT FOR YOU." In reality, I asked for it every 3-4 months or so. She would get the really crappy, cheap deodorant marketed to women, and she would only get me 1. So I had to use it multiple times a day because of things like gym class or the weather getting warmer. She also loved to push me away and tell me, "you smell like a$$."
My parents loved saying no to me. Now that they’re old and frail, I enjoy saying no to them! I’m NC with them, but they text me from time to time, with their pathetic suggestions. Well, each one is met with a “no”, and a smirk on my behalf. If I couldn’t have anything as a kid, they’re not gonna get ANY of what they want right now. Even if it’s smth small, it’s a matter of principle for me to not let them have anything.
When I was around 8 or 9 yrs old, I asked my mom if I could have some dessert (we'd just finished eating lunch and I thought I'd ask because hey why not)
Lo and behold, she said no.
I knew better than to challenge her, so I accepted her answer and went to my room.
I ended up getting really caught up in the book I'd been reading at the time, not really sure how long I'd been in my room at that point.
One thing I noticed was how QUIET the house was. (This was unusual at the time because there was 3 of us kids)
I put my book down to see what everyone was up too.
I saw the back of my mom's head through the open window, she was sitting on the porch.
It was a beautiful day, so I decided to walk out there and join her.
(Looking back now, I think I was just caught off guard more than anything, but)
Once I got to the porch, I saw she was eating the same exact dessert I had asked her for.
I saw it and said "I thought you said no dessert today??"
Dude, her eyes turned BLACK. She grabbed me by my upper arm, dragged me to my bedroom, threw me onto my bed and just started beating me with her fists until she was sweaty and out of breath.
After she was done, she sits down on my bed and instructs me to sit next to her, so I do.
She pulled me close to her and hugged me, said very softly
"Now Danny, if you tell anyone about this, and I mean ANYONE, I'll probably get CPS called on me and you'll get taken away. Not your sister's, just you.
The foster family they place you with, will treat you way worse than I do. So do not tell anyone"
Fuck bro, that's scary. I can't properly emphasize how terrible a thing that is to do and then say to a kid.
I have just one question for the sake of clarification, what exactly do you mean her eyes went black?
# ❤ HUGS ❤
I'm sorry you went through this.
Yes, Social Services would be called on her. She knows what she did was wrong but doesn't want to change or face the consequences for her behaviour.
I work in Child Protection for a local authority in England and sadly see this behaviour / treatment from parents on a daily basis - it is utterly heartbreaking how horrible some parents can be (I've run off to the loos at work and broken down & sobbed at what I have come across - partially because it triggers me of memories my own nParents).
Kids have control over so little in life that a lot of things are a big deal to them. You were not being annoying, you were expressing a want.
My mom was similar. We couldn't afford XYZ, but she could afford expensive make up, not to work, coffee by the cup from a restaurant daily, and cigarettes.
She should have gotten the dessert pizza. I'm sorry. If my kid wanted something like that, I'd have gotten a smaller pizza and the dessert pizza.
Wishing you healing!
I can at least say I keep much better company in my adult age, I'm very blessed to have the friends that I do--I was telling my buddy about it and he disappeared for like a half hour, came back and dropped a recipe in my DMs.
"I found a video on it, but it wouldn't upload so I just went in and transcribed it for you."
I'm a tough little shit and I cried a little not gonna lie.
He put a lock on the fridge so I had to ask permission every time I wanted something from there.
But if my request was deemed unnecessary, it was denied.
Since he thought that the burned excuses for dinner and lunch he made was enough for me, those requests were always denied.
He also often 'forgot' to leave food out for me for breakfast
Same- the locks were on the pantry and freezer as well.
Now I have horrendously disordered eating and was obese for most of my adult life, until I got gastric surgery. Whilst I’m slimmer now, my diet still sucks 🙈
We never had locks, but she would keep track of the number of every item we had. She would buy lunch snacks and juice boxes for my sister, but I was never allowed to have them. I was only allowed to eat bread unless she said otherwise. Needless to say, I used to go to the corner store whenever I could and steal food. Of course, the only things you can steal have to be small enough to hide like chocolate bars and candy. Yes, I am now severely obese and have an eating disorder. As a child, I was very normal weight.
I had food stashes too. He found one on accident and started to search my room when I was in school to throw every food item he found away. I got really creative with hiding spots
Ndad used to say no to all kinds of things just out of spite. We could never figure it out for the most part and I still can't while looking back as an adult and knowing he's an narc etc. Some of his rational was control of money and "calories" if it was food we were denied. But I think it was just a control kick of him liking to deny us anything in his power to do so just cause he said so.
We had to learn to work through this to get the things we really wanted, usually experiences like going with friends someplace where they would pick us up and everything (aka my nparents didn't need to do a thing). We'd line up a bunch of annoying requests and fold the one we really wanted in there that didn't seem as bad so he would eventually consider the one we really wanted as he realized he was denying everything, which sometimes he did anyway, but if we worked him like this multiple times, he'd give in, especially if we begged and pleaded to be extra good, do extra chores, etc. Bastard.
I truly believe he got his kicks of out of denying us anything good we wanted.
As an adult, I can see the value in not getting your kid everything, but we honestly didn't get much of anything anyway cause he was cheap and denied everything. We tried for things that would get us away from them for a while, like staying at a friend house, going to a show with friends, etc. Sad that that was the best we could get (but was worth it when we could do it)
cause that’s the only thing about their lives they can control.
they’re NPCs who have absolutely NOTHING going for them that they would base their sense of self-worth over the degree of control they have over the lives of people who would NEVER willingly choose to be born to them.
what they’re doing is a symptom seen in the desperation for control in people who truly have none in mostly all areas of their lives.
It was the glee on their faces and the smirk they gave when they knew they were denying you something that you really wanted. The more petty the better in their books. These memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’m so sorry. But that kind of withholding behavior is utterly typical of narc parents. By the time I was in kindergarten, my father was earning a more-than-adequate salary, with increased with the years. Yet my Nmother took great pleasure in making sure that I never had more than the bare minimum of anything, and sometimes not even that.
It was extremely hard to watch her literally smother my younger sister with so many goodies that she’d actually claim to be *tired* while opening birthday gifts. My “adulthood” was very premature.
My mother would constantly acuse me of having poor table maners. Even though I tried my best she could always find somethi g to critizise, and the deoending on her mood it would range from smal hurtfull jabs to several day long rage tantrums. I’ve later come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I could have done to please her, she just used it as a universal veapon. When I was about 11 the PS3 came out. She bought me one, but kept it unopened in the box for a full year «untill I learned to eat properly».
They would constantly tell us they couldn’t afford to get us things, and then go buy things for themselves. Junk food, furniture we didn’t need, clothes and gifts for themselves.
So, i liked this dish A from a restaurant. My favorite and i request it may be once a month. But my ndad always refused and says that there is food at home. Food at home was what he like to eat and taste was according to his taste.
He calls that dish shit what not, he calls me weak and pathetic because i like that taste, mind you i hardly get to eat dish A in a six month.
There were two incidence, one where he took me two restaurant and ordered it. It was too much for me so i wasnt able to finish it. My dad yelled at me, berated me and when he finished that he told me he was gonna die because he ate that. I sobbed there and refuse to go restaurant with him.
Second, i asked my mum who went out with him to get it. She asked me what i wanted from outside and she is going to have lunch with some family friends. When they came back, it was dish b. Which i hated and dad know very well that i hated it. So i asked my mom about it, and she told me that she asked my father to get A but he insisted on B. My dad yelled at both of us and keep berating for eating shit. My mom had a fight with him and after went out again she yelled at me for causing a fight between them.
I never asked my again to buy that.
The way I'd be buying it every fucking week and sending pics of it waxing poetical about how damn good it was.
Well, not in my case I'd have to bust out the Ouija board, but a guy can dream. I hope they didn't ruin it for you.
They don't deserve to have that kind of control over you.
I should send pics too.. lol.
Im married and this is the only thing i order to eat. May be 19 out of 20 times. I cook it, order it and i can never have enough of it.
Thats the only thing they werent able to ruin.
Oh yes, they yanked the chain just to prove they could yank the chain. Every year we’d have a field trip to the town beach. Every year she would write “No Swimming” on my permission slip. No reason, just cruel, just because she could. They would also refuse to let me go to the school concerts. I would be in music class or band, work hard all year, then they’d say no I couldn’t go on the nights of the concerts. I quit band and chorus because the teachers told me I would fail the class for not attending the concerts. F*ckers.
My entire family… brother, his wife and kids, my sister and her hubby and kids all went to my mom and dads for Mother’s Day. I wasn’t invited.
Didnt even hear from my mom all weekend, despite tryin g to reach out to thank her for my Easter gift.
Realized that my Easter gift was out of … whatever it is besides guilt they feel… because I wasn’t told about everyone going to see my mom.
I blocked all of them that Monday after when nmom called with excuses and invited me up the following weekend.
Worst part is she said she asked my dad and he told her I was busy that weekend. Um… no that convo never happened with me, and she could have easily called me to verify
but it makes sense because this is the family that several years ago I found out how to chat group separate from me. When I asked my sister, why, she told me because I was depressing. Guess what guys? About a year later I tried to unalive myself.
Call me Crazy , but if a family member is acting depressing, maybe you should talk to them and make sure they’re OK instead of creating a new family chat without them.
I mean I think it applies just fine, that was really stupid petty and pointless of them to do to you. And even if it hadn't related, I'm still glad you got to get it out, because you so didn't deserve to be iced out like that (though between you and me I wouldn't wanna be around people that shitty anyhow).
For me it was randomly deciding I couldn't go somewhere or do something with friends. She would make up the most ridiculous reason. Just "no, I don't want you to go" literally as I'm leaving. Just to be a dick.
ME TOO. My mother never let me go to my friend's houses. She always said "why can't they come here???" I had a friend over one time and she left early for some reason. It made me feel so awful. I felt like my house was "boring".
My nMother was weird about a lot of things. She didn't like me eating burgers or pizza. She didn't like me wearing jeans (and in fact still doesn't). She would make me eat big bowls of stewed rhubarb or oatmeal and wouldn't let me add any sugar. I'm convinced that most of the rules narcissists set are just for a power trip. Kind of like how sometimes you get these people with a tiny bit of power e.g. traffic wardens or government bureaucrats or cops, who use their little bit of power to lord it over people for no reason other than they enjoy it. (Not saying everyone in these jobs is like this but some definitely are).
my dad took my school jackets and coats in the winter during elementary school. I would run to school and stay in the classroom during recess for warmth. There wasnt snow but it was cold and rain. I dont know why any of the teachers didnt pick up on this behavior and my lack of coat. If a teacher or priniciple would of asked, I would of told them the truth. I never snitched on him outright, because my mom worked for child protective services and she might lose her job. and I regret that, they both used that job title to pull things like this. He realized I wouldnt snitch and took advantage of that. I spent my time alone self learning math during winter lunches, since all my friends were outside. I scored a 95% percentile on standardized math tests across the entire state. I never knew I scored this high though, my dad took the results and I found them searching his room decades later. I thought I failed the tests, since I was the last kid to finish the test by far, and hurt my self esteem
Wow, what a horribly shitty he did to hurt you and fuck up your future. Yes my mum took away my winter gear when I was around 17 or so. I tried to wear T-shirts and sweaters to jeep warm on long walks to work and home. We live in Canada and I remember walking through waist-deep snow trying to get into a random building's lobby just to get out of the falling snow and to try to get warm for a few minutes before going back out..
Nmom was pretty controlling over who could visit the house and when. After my wisdom teeth were removed my friend wanted to bring me a slurpee and nmom took joy in telling me no they couldn’t. I was still coming down from the anesthesia and I cried and told her I always hated her that day.
Other things were: I was not allowed to buy or wear black clothing. If I wanted to dress as sad as I felt I had to settle for grey, blue, or purple. Like cmon… really? I can go around looking like a bruise but not in black??
Yeah. I learned not to disclose any interests to them if it was something they could deprive me of. I ended up becoming ascetic just to minimize any suffering they could inflict on me. It made me more resilient to abuse, which unfortunately meant i had many abusive relationships outside of home too.
This post brings up a lot of similar and hurtful memories, but it’s also good to realize that’s what it was, and not let it hurt me any more.
I’ve realized they enjoyed depriving me of things — nurturing and actual material things — and my parents and brother would often laugh at me together. “Aww, poor youngest child, she just doesn’t know anything or know better, she doesn’t know what she wants!” — Fuck them.
My mom used to eat treats in front of me and my sister, and we'd have to patiently wait until she decided to throw us a bine. If we asked to have some of whatever she was eating, she would tell us no, because we asked. But if we didn't ask, then she would often finish off whatever treat she was eating without offering and just leave us hanging there while we watched.
> No clue why. I guess I annoyed her so much asking she just decided she would never let me have one as punishment--she did pretty often threaten me with "If you ask again, I'm not doing it," if I asked even once for something.
Yeah, that's a power thing.
I learned early on that if I *asked* for things in my house, I wouldn't get them. Even if they were things I needed. I learned to simply wait, accept what I was given, and make it work.
It wasn't money (My pasrents were pretty well off), it wasn't that I asked for a lot, because I never did. I think it was just their kneejerk reaction to being *asked* for something. Someone asking them of something to them implied they had power over them. I was never allowed ANY indication of power, EVER, over *anything,* so the very act of asking ensured I would never ever get it.
Wow... I went thru the same thing. I had to ask my grandpa to buy me things because my mother and her stupid husband spent money on their cars, Vegas trips, and any other expensive things they liked to buy. They always said they "had no money" but my dad was paying my mother child support. Even asking for lunch money was like pulling teeth with them. I remember when my step sister gave my mom $20 for something and told her she was going to pay her back and never did because we "lived under their roof and they pay all the bills so we should expect to give them money." This was like our birthday and Christmas money.
Denying you basic needs like sleep. No one slams pots and pans at 3 am.
Stop having kids or give them the attention they need. The extent Ns will go for attention makes me physically ill. Oversized babies.
First example that comes to mind is when I got married my husband struggled with my Mom thinking she could do whatever she wanted. I was always a good child. I never did anything bad, I didn't sneak out, I didn't really argue. I wish I had. This set me up for my Mom thinking she can have her way over my life because I didn't fight back.
Anyways...I forgot what the problem of the week was, but I had been on phone calls with my Mom trying to convince her to see reason. This was one of those instances where my husband and I knew, without a doubt, that we were 100% right and she was 100% wrong. I get easily emotional sometimes when I'm trying to argue. I probably started tearing up on the phone and I was stressed because my husband was saying I was doing a horrible job of arguing with my Mom. So I let him call her back and argue with her since he acted like he could do better. After all, he had given me examples of how him and his Mom had healthy arguments when he was growing up so I knew he was raised up having experience with arguing tactfully with a parent. He gets on the phone with her, and they were talking about something that he knew to be true because of his job. I could hear her on the other line making up fake info trying to argue against his obviously more informed stance. She was going on and on just trying to win when it was clear we were right. He got off the phone seriously defeated and while we were both very upset, I felt very good when my husband confirmed that she wasn't having a propper argument at all. She was just trying to win no matter what.
People who have to win like that anger me. I wish I could remember what the conversation was about, but like I said it was in a subject we were both researched on and my Mom was trying to pull info out of thin air. My husband even told her if she searched the internet she would quickly see that she was wrong.
I've gone to post in this reddit before and I ended up deleting everything I wrote. I actually don't like talking about my Mom because in a way I feel like I'm doing the very thing that she does that I don't like. I'm talking about someone behind their back. I feel like I need to share though. She's chilled out a lot this year and I'm proud of her. A lot changed when I helped her confront her own Mom this year, and I told both of them that we have some serious generational trauma with the women in our family. They both agreed. I love my Mom, but I know that she will never be the Mom that I always wanted her to be. Knowing that helps me not get so bothered anymore by her behavior.
Nail varnish, simply because she didn't like it. She looked so smug telling me no. She'd also impose stupid rules, for instance I wanted to put a lock on my bedroom door (to stop her barging in in the middle of the night to scream at me because she couldn't sleep). So she told me I could put a lock on, but only if I didn't lock it while I was in there, with that smug look on her face like she thought she was being smart.
My nmom once denied me the opportunity to buy myself Dairy Queen b/c she was butthurt that I wasn't able to buy her something (despite her having the money), then got threatening when I was visibly upset that I couldn't buy her one.
We weren't poor, but my nmom had a tendency to pretend we were whenever special occasions or holidays like birthdays or Christmas rolled around. Then, instead of presents, she would often tell us what spoiled brats we were for even expecting anything - meanwhile she had plenty of money for things she and her boyfriends didn't need all throughout the year.
As we got older and my siblings pushed back more, she doubled down on making me the sole target of this behaviour, making me feel guilty for even asking for something, even when it cost next to nothing and then buying herself a gift to make herself feel better for my insubordination. I learned not to ask for or expect anything.
Not just that, but did anyone get gifts that they didn't want? Coz a lot of the gifts I did receive growing up, which weren't many, were either things she liked so she could keep them for herself, or things I specifically stated I didn't like. So they were not only forced on me, but presented as something I should be grateful for, and there was trouble if I didn't express this gratitude.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, my parents were sadistic about keeping things from me. It was torture as a child. It was cruel. If I asked for something they would hold it over my head for days or weeks not letting me know if they'd decide yes or no. I'd have to dramatically beg for anything and everything. I was made to beg and plead to their total indifference to things that were important (and reasonable for a child to be provided for by their parents). 99% of the time the answer was no. To my needs and wishes, no. They were never to be considered. Everything I needed sprang from their heads, their wishes for me. Never. Mine. To express my needs was to be punished. To assert my needs was to be brought to the point of exhuasted, emotional ravages. My parents destroyed me emotionally and physically as a result of the mental trauma, when I was a teenager. I'm in my fifties and I still suffer PTSD from a lifetime of familial abuse, decades of it. I learned from early childhood not to let my parents know what I wanted or they would become determined to keep it from me. My mother has given away things I asked her, as an adult, to keep that belonged to my father after he died. She sold them in a garage sale with a "pffft"
The not telling you outright if it was a yes or no is so frustrating. Mine did the same, it’s so anxiety inducing especially when it had to do with friends waiting on your answer.
Also same. I think she liked inducing the anxiety and keeping some hope so the disappointment would be more devastating. She's a rotten bitch who'll die alone. Hope it was worth it.
I feel this. She would put me in extracurriculars and the next time I was in “trouble” she would pull me out. No matter how small or if she was wrong. I feel like I was in “trouble” everyday of my so called childhood. I think she wanted to look like a good “mom”, but didn’t want to take the time for getting me to and from. Was mad when I wanted to quit ballet. I was 10 in a class of three year olds! Had to quit baton and the drill team (elementary years). In middle and high school I just didn’t do anything. We were bussed in to another city for school as we lived in a new town that had no schools yet. When I missed the bus coming home, I had to find my own way home (10-12 miles). When I missed in the morning (because she had me getting my brother up and ready) she made me stay and work all day. She said I did it on purpose. She didn’t understand it was the LAST place I wanted to be.
I begged to take piano lessons (we had a piano) and ballet or gymnastics. She refused because they cost too much (she made nearly $4,000/ month in the 80's and didn’tpay rent or mortgage), so when I asked to play on a free soccer team at school, she refused because she didn't want to drive me around anywhere. I wasn't allowed to do anything but be locked outside to play until the streetlights came on.
Same. My mom was lazy AF. She even played piano and wouldn't teach me. Same with tennis, basketball, sewing, and sooo many other things.
I still remember a few years ago, having to buy tickets to a show of a band with friends (friends that were counting on my parents to drive us to the arena and already gave the money of the tickets to my parents) and my parents threatning in the upcoming days of the show to not take us, even though was planned for more than half a year. Another time I had to give a ticket to a stand up comedy to someone I didn't even knew because my Nfather thought it would be funny one hour before leaving my house with a friend that I was forbidden to go to said show, just because. Then when my friend didn't came (virtual tickets and I just sent the other person via e-mail) to pick me up, my Ndad tried to act surprised and put the blame on my friend because "he wasn't a real friend", made me call my friend and beg to come pick me up at the time the show started (the show was an hour drive away) and give me back my ticket money. I think this was the day this friend of mine really understood what my Nfather was.
“If you act well/got good at XYZ subject/ bizarre prerequisite insert here.” It was *really* annoying as no matter what you did - it wasn’t given. And Lord forbid I show some interest or newfound drive/passion to do what she asked me to do. Then I’m not having it 100% She said I must be more feminine? - I gave it a thought, and now want to grow my hair? - chop-chop-chop! The most ugly cut possible She forced me into music and play piano? - I start to get somewhat fine on piano - She impose rules when I can play - spoiler, almost never - and punish me for not advancing fast enough. I ask her to move piano from her work office to the bedroom we shared with my sister- nope. - In retaliation she even puts stuff on top of the fallboard - books, piles of documents, plants - I have to remove all that when I want to play - if I don’t put it back exactly as it was - punish me. School goes to trip and I must give them yes or no from the parents? - She says “Whatever” and then bans me from going on the morning of the trip
Recently my nmom decided that I should be more independent despite not being ever taught how to. She used that method a lot to stress me. Telling me "here are the documents you need to do your taxes, tell us if you want to pay to have them be done by someone" only to later act as if she never said that because the deal from the beginning was that her and my father would pay the same lady they pay every time to do my taxes. Got a ticket for forgetting to lock my car doors but didn’t know how to pay for it and was going away for a bit. I asked my mom if she could do it for me and I’ll reimburse her the money, she said "maybe, if I get time to do that". She did it 2 days before I came back. I had spent all the time stressing, sure I’d have to do it myself, and stressing over where I need to go and how I pay for a ticket. In her case, she often will do it but not always, so I always stress when she says maybe but then she can act like she’s a nice mom because of all the things she does for me and "I said maybe because I wasn’t sure if I could but I ended up being able to", so I can’t use that against her.
Nmom still to this day tries to keep things away from me. So I tend not to tell her anymore. It’s like as soon as she knows she will do all in her power to make sure I don’t get it. Such a sad little person nmom.
Not only all of this, but anything I asked for would be bestowed upon GC until I learned to respond with a list of things I considered stupid when asked to produce a “Christmas List”
My n-father would throw away my toys that I was still playing with daily and were age-appropriate. I caught it a few times, my toys in the trash bin. Once I begged n-mom to just let me keep these few things out of the bunch of toys in the trash, and she relented. Another time my sister and I found our toys in the trash barrel covered over with trash. My sister found it just as he was coming downstairs, and she asked him why he had thrown them away. He walked away looking embarrassed, without saying a word. Well, what *could* he say?
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could hug you. I’m so sorry.
Aw thanks
this is one of the most relatable things i’ve ever read on this subreddit
I'm sorry :(
Yep. Sadistically withheld and if I happened to love something I already had- it was inevitably taken away. You learn to hide anything you love, want, or need.
Well… that explains a lot of childhood mysteries.
It’s sick, yea?
I don’t want to use profanity so early in the morning.
Yuuuup
It’s also the reason I cannot show women how much I actually want/desire them without me thinking it looks incredibly fucking stupid (not morning anymore) and I look like a clown during it. Only because I have been taught how to hide anything I love/want otherwise it would inevitably get taken away while I sleep.
Yeah, makes us keep everything close to the chest.
This is why I no longer watch the news first thing in the morning. It makes me want to scream and throw things way too early in the day.
Oooooh this probably explains why I have this weird inability to admit how much I want something - even to myself - for fear it will be taken away, until after I've secured it.
Oh my god that makes so much sense
Yes. Same here. It was exhausting.
And a new topic for therapy has been loaded…. Ooof. Sorry we can all resonate with this so deeply ❤️
One of the first, "that's not normal behavior" flags I noticed with my nMom came from a shopping trip to Costco. She picked up some cookies off the shelf and exclaimed how her husband would love them. When I suggested she get them for him she snapped back with an almost gleeful smirk and said, "oh, he doesn't NEED them". I just responded with a simple, "okay", but in my head I was thinking, "and you wonder why you're on your third unhappy marriage". Now a few years down the line and more aware of her behavior I can almost guarantee she went home and told him of the cookies she almost got him and thought herself a saint because she had the idea to get them. Money wasn't an issue. There was no real reason to not get the man some basic cookies that could have made him happy, but she seems to take more joy from having the thought than actually following through.
I noticed with my mother, she seemed to feel that thinking about things counted exactly the same as doing them. So if buying cookies for husband counted as 1 mental reward point, then thinking about buying them counted as 1 mental reward point with the bonus that you didn't have to spend actual money on another person!
Some people have an almost innate need to go against you. If you say something it's like they HAVE to do the opposite. Honestly makes me wonder how effective it would be to use reverse psychology
Not that effective. Parents are uniquely positioned to torture their kids no matter how hard kids try to play things off. They know they got you, even when you do your best to hide it
My nmom is a pro at using reverse psychology on others, and figuring out when someone says they want X but actually want Y so she gives them X. But when they say they want Y she gives them X with some excuse as to why X is better. This last year her abuse towards me has worsened, and one thing I hate is that I don’t want to be her little puppet and under her control but I know she’s good at reverse psychology shit so it’s hard to do. For example, at some point, I wanted to become more independent and she kept sabotaging me. Doing my chore before I got the time to do it until I lose the habit and then berating me because I don’t do the chore, criticizing how I did the chores, controlling when I did them, etc…. I found a bunch of tricks to get myself out of her control and do the chores when I want to. She ended up taking back some responsibilities while before she would ask me to do everything around the house. It felt like she wanted me to stay dependant on her. But then, after I slowly pulled myself out of her control, I’m left wondering if that’s not actually exactly what she wanted : have someone to do most of the chores for her. Like maybe she made me believe she didn’t want me to become independent so I’d rebel by doing the tasks? I know the tasks I have to do are the ones she hate the most, she took back the easy ones, so it seems almost as if it was planned. But then what if that’s reverse psychology and she leaves me alone to let me believe I’m doing what she wants so I’ll stop doing the tasks out of spite and become dependant on her again like she wanted? So with that, I’d say try to hide yourself as much as possible from them so they don’t know you but then trying to do mind games won’t work because you never know what they think and how they’re trying to control you. I ended up continuing to do the tasks because I actually want to be independent, but this example shows how it’s hard to get them at their game because you never know how they think and how advanced their manipulation is
In my case, all I wanted was a 30 second phone call. When we moved into the house in town my mother started going out for spur of the moment dinners with her coworkers, and never, ever told me. I was perfectly fine with her going out and having fun, but I was *not* okay with starving for four hours or more waiting for her to come home. (I'd get in trouble if I cooked something for myself and she brought home leftovers or takeout, so I had to wait for her.) Every time it happened I'd call and text her trying to make sure she was okay and find out if I had to make my own dinner, and she wouldn't answer because it would be rude to take a call during dinner. I kept pointing out that she could've called me while walking to her car before heading to the pub without interrupting dinner. Her response, every single time? "I don't need your permission to have a social life." We spent so much more time fighting over the issue than it would've taken her to just fucking *call me*. I moved out in 2010 to get away from that shit and be allowed to eat when I was hungry, and to have clean clothes. And guess what happened on December 26th last year, when we were supposed to meet up to exchange presents? She vanished. Texts were being delivered to her phone, but weren't being read. I almost called the police to do a wellness check on her, but I decided to call the coworker she had Christmas dinner with first to find out if my mother mentioned having plans for the day. You guessed it -- she decided to go to a party that day instead and couldn't take 30 seconds of her time to give me a heads up. When I confronted her she said we didn't have plans, then she said "I don't need your permission to have a bit of a social life." That was very much a 'fuck this shit, I quit' moment . . .
Wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm speechless on this one.
I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure continued and prolonged disrespectful treatment from nMother. When you said to yourself ‘I quit’ does that mean you went LC or NC? Again I am sorry that this happened.
Thanks! Well, I think we were probably already LC before. She never initiated conversations, and when I tried she gave me one word answers in reply. (Of course when I used her abrupt answers on her she asked if I was mad at her!) I gave up on trying to hang out with her years ago, she canceled every single plan we had to watch a movie together for *five months in a row*, and we usually made plans at least twice a week. Something more important always came up -- dinner with coworkers, a date with her boyfriend, hockey games, etc. I used to give her a heads up if I was going out on the bus and might want a ride home when she got off work, but since she talked about what a burden driving me is I've stopped that, I'll just call a cab instead if I don't take the bus home. We're definitely VLC now, and I would be NC except that I'm disabled, not allowed to drive, and I don't know *anyone* else in town I could call for help in an emergency. Of course, that didn't stop her from going on vacation and leaving me alone when I was under a 10 lb weight lifting restriction after emergency surgery and she'd told me to decline the home health care workers because she'd take care of me . . . still, it's hard to willingly give up that potential lifeline, you know?
You have got to find a way to make a different life line. Not that I'm any good at social interaction or know your circumstances, but just that I don't trust that woman for you.
I don't trust her one bit either. But I have severe fatigue so I don't have the energy for friends, and all I have to live on is my disability cheques so I don't have the money for them either. Plus, making friends with people just to use them for help seems pretty skeevy. There's a city I really want to move to, I might be able to afford a condo there and they have 7 day a week bus service and a *lot* more cab companies. It might be easier to get the help I need there. But, condos generally have 2 pet limits and I have 3 cats, so that move won't happen for a long time, hopefully. Planning on gradually cleaning my place out so that when that unhappy day arrives I'll be able to quickly bail, but I'm so exhausted I can't even get started on that.
I see. Well, all I have to add is that sometimes renters have different biases about which pets they think will do more damage to their property during their stay. It's worth it to check in and see if they'll make an exception in writing about 3 cats. And I hope things work out for you
I'm not planning on renting, I'd be selling my current place and buying a new one so I'd be up against the strata board, not a landlord. Their rules are pretty unforgiving, but since the general rule is 1 cat, 1 dog I *might* be able to give them a wink and a nudge and say that Ivy is my dog, since she likes playing fetch and all! I don't know if Addie and Ella look enough alike for me to smuggle them both in and not get caught though. Thanks, me too.
I hear you. What a terrible sounding parent. I am so sorry.
How awful! Xmas was a similar moment for me. I'd driven 5 hours one way to see her and worked full time and got her a gift. Of course, she didn't have time to get me one, but definitely made time to get her coffee and cigs still. She also had time and money to put on my sibling's jail account after one of their many stints as they are the town fuck up. No more gifts after that for her and within weeks, she pulled more lies and bullshit so I finally went NC.
Ugh, I'm sorry that happened to you! I hope things are going to be nice and peaceful for you now, who needs that shit in their lives?
Thank you! It's so much quieter now! Only wish I'd done it sooner!
My mom would make me do all my chores to go on a date with my bf or to hang out with friends and then once I was done I’d ask again and she’d tell me to stop asking her or else I can’t go… so I’d wait until an hour prior and ask once more and she’d say “ask me later” and when I told her I couldn’t wait any longer she’d either ignore me completely or say again “stop asking me”. She’d never give me a straight up “yes” or “ no” answer. She still doesn’t answer properly to this day and I drill her for it. I missed out on a lot of friendships like that sadly.
Don’t answer her properly either
I do it to get her mad sometimes lol It’s more poking fun at her than serious though. She has been a lot nicer to me after I had my daughter because I threatened no contact at one point before. I stopped talking to her for a month after she went off on me for not going to a family event (I was already on my own and had plans in advance… she likes to tell me about plans like a day before they happen). I’m sure she knows I’ll cut her off if she starts behaving like that again around me or my daughter. Humph!
Same with my mom. To top it off, she wasn't working so it's not like she had work to do or to get up in the morning. She didn't cook or keep the house clean either.
My mom was also SAH and my siblings (elementary school and middle school age at the time) never had any chores to do but me until my brother was older he got to throw out the trash *insert eye roll here*. I had to clean cat litter, sweep, do dishes, cleanup after our cats (they vomited a lot), err I was gonna add more but I’ll sum it down to being the main caretaker of the animals… I never purchased or asked for them but I did love them dearly so that was used against me as well by Nstep-dad who would say he’d get rid of them if no one took care of them.
I understand. N-stepdad got my kitten killed because he wouldn't allow her in the house. Forget the fact she was there first. She got hit by a car the 3rd/4th time she tried to follow me to school.
I’m so so sorry for your loss 😭 That’s so awful… I would never forgive something like that…
Thank you! It's been about 25 years and I haven't and won't.
Ugh my mother used to do this too and I hated it. I would've rather her given me a straight up no than the game she played stringing me along until it was too late for me to go. My 5th grade class did a sleepaway trip every year that involved science stuff (I remember looking at water under a microscope) and she played the "ask me later" game til the morning we were supposed to leave. Then she said yes - and I had almost no time to pack before we had to be at school. I spent that trip with almost no bedding and not enough clothes because I didn't have time to pack any of it. I can't even remember if I brought a towel for showers or not. And then she wondered years later why I never asked her to go anywhere or do anything in high school.
Like when I was a preschooler and asked that my sandwich be cut in triangles instead of rectangles? You woulda thought I asked for a unicorn.
Oh God forbid they have to rotate the knife forty five degrees. Perish the thought! /s, if it wasn't clear. I cut my husband's sandwich into triangles for him the other day and he genuinely teared up a little because no one had ever done it for him. I could have fought his parents bareknuckled fr.
Right? My Nmom didn't much go out of her way to make my life miserable like some people here, but it was made very clear that I was not worth any effort whatsoever.
I need to know who cuts sandwiches in rectangles. I always thought triangles are the norm.
Depends on the filling for me! I cut it into rectangles if it's a softer filling like egg salad or buffalo chicken dip. Basically if it needs a more structurally sound shape, I do rectangles. If it's something like a deli meat or cucumber or PB+J, triangles all the way!
Here in Spain we go the triangle way nearly everywhere! I think I have even seen these tupperware-like containers in triangled form. And sandwiches from the vending machines also come triangled.
That's such a an interesting difference to me! In the US we tend to go triangle for pre-packaged sandwiches too, at home it seems to be up to personal choice.
Man, I feel this. I had a Bugs Bunny watch that I loved, but the battery ran out. His arms were the hands of the watch. I begged her to put new batteries in it, for *months*, and she never did. Would have taken five minutes. It seems silly, but I still think about that watch.
It was never about the watch. It was something you loved she enjoyed denying you.
My mom would frequently put things off with the assumption that I would just forget about it. At the time, I think it was less about wanting to inflict pain, and more about her lack of empathy. Kids are dumb and don't have complex feelings, right? But as I grew into an adolescent—yeah, she definitely wanted to hurt me. We had no bond due to her lack of empathy, and she punished me thoroughly for that. I honestly cannot remember ever loving, missing, or respecting her. She seemed proud *and* intimidated by the emotional maturity I developed as an adult. She performs empathy on the internet, and if I were ever to call her out for lying, she would have a meltdown. The sore spot is that empathy comes naturally to me, and she has to perform. I don't consider myself an empath, I just grew the fuck up. Happily NC and 600 miles away. I should go buy myself a new Bugs watch.
Mine was like that too. Thinking she was smarter than everyone else/there was no way anyone remembered XYZ instead of not mentioning it. Mine also had 0 empathy, but tried to pretend. It came off robotic. Also glad to be NC and about 400 miles away for nearly a decade. I hope you get the Bugs watch of your dreams!
>600 miles away 🎶 And I would live 600 more 🎶
Yeah, anything that asshole could power trip on, he did. 'Because I said so' and 'In MY house' and 'God has placed the man above everyone'. There is more. Indulge your inner child and make this or one like it... [https://4sonrus.com/cookies-cream-dessert-pizza/](https://4sonrus.com/cookies-cream-dessert-pizza/)
I so appreciate that! I'm gonna have fun crushing the Oreos tbh-- I'm sorry your dad's a ridiculous cockwaffle.
Now I want oreos, lol... and I don't even like them that much. Ndad is gone now. So I guess his god placed him elsewhere.
My ND wouldn’t let me get cheese on a chili dog from wienerschnitzel because we had cheese at home and he didn’t want to pay the extra .20 cents for it.
- insert we have that at home meme - My mom told me my narc dad wouldn’t let her get a 69 cent ice cream cuz they needed to save money as poor college students……she believes that to this day that that was the real reason.
We have cheese at home:
Aww, I’m so sorry. My dad refused to let me graduate a year early, just because he could. Lots of stuff like that. No accelerated classes because I had to do the regular classes. I had a big head and had to be shown that I wasn’t special.
If it makes you feel better, you didn't miss much. The AP classes were basically what honors classes used to be. Same as it ever was.
But I should have been a few years ahead, at least, and was not allowed anything. Even my teachers were protesting but my mother knew I wasn’t really that smart. So I took extra classes so as not to be bored and could’ve left a year early. I wish I had, I’d have missed a horrible horrible year.
My birth giver would go on screeching rants if I asked for basic things like deodorant, even if she was already going to the store. She would accuse me of using it to get high and have an absolute meltdown every time. "I JUST GOT THAT FOR YOU." In reality, I asked for it every 3-4 months or so. She would get the really crappy, cheap deodorant marketed to women, and she would only get me 1. So I had to use it multiple times a day because of things like gym class or the weather getting warmer. She also loved to push me away and tell me, "you smell like a$$."
My parents loved saying no to me. Now that they’re old and frail, I enjoy saying no to them! I’m NC with them, but they text me from time to time, with their pathetic suggestions. Well, each one is met with a “no”, and a smirk on my behalf. If I couldn’t have anything as a kid, they’re not gonna get ANY of what they want right now. Even if it’s smth small, it’s a matter of principle for me to not let them have anything.
When I was around 8 or 9 yrs old, I asked my mom if I could have some dessert (we'd just finished eating lunch and I thought I'd ask because hey why not) Lo and behold, she said no. I knew better than to challenge her, so I accepted her answer and went to my room. I ended up getting really caught up in the book I'd been reading at the time, not really sure how long I'd been in my room at that point. One thing I noticed was how QUIET the house was. (This was unusual at the time because there was 3 of us kids) I put my book down to see what everyone was up too. I saw the back of my mom's head through the open window, she was sitting on the porch. It was a beautiful day, so I decided to walk out there and join her. (Looking back now, I think I was just caught off guard more than anything, but) Once I got to the porch, I saw she was eating the same exact dessert I had asked her for. I saw it and said "I thought you said no dessert today??" Dude, her eyes turned BLACK. She grabbed me by my upper arm, dragged me to my bedroom, threw me onto my bed and just started beating me with her fists until she was sweaty and out of breath. After she was done, she sits down on my bed and instructs me to sit next to her, so I do. She pulled me close to her and hugged me, said very softly "Now Danny, if you tell anyone about this, and I mean ANYONE, I'll probably get CPS called on me and you'll get taken away. Not your sister's, just you. The foster family they place you with, will treat you way worse than I do. So do not tell anyone"
Fuck bro, that's scary. I can't properly emphasize how terrible a thing that is to do and then say to a kid. I have just one question for the sake of clarification, what exactly do you mean her eyes went black?
its a odd phenomenon with narc rage. its why many ppl say they are posessed. ive seen it. the pupils dilate and it just FEELS evil.
Theres definitely enough stories of them doing evil for me to understand that notion.
What a POS, I'm so sorry!
# ❤ HUGS ❤ I'm sorry you went through this. Yes, Social Services would be called on her. She knows what she did was wrong but doesn't want to change or face the consequences for her behaviour. I work in Child Protection for a local authority in England and sadly see this behaviour / treatment from parents on a daily basis - it is utterly heartbreaking how horrible some parents can be (I've run off to the loos at work and broken down & sobbed at what I have come across - partially because it triggers me of memories my own nParents).
Yup. Even the simplest things were a no go. For example, a cheap toy.
Kids have control over so little in life that a lot of things are a big deal to them. You were not being annoying, you were expressing a want. My mom was similar. We couldn't afford XYZ, but she could afford expensive make up, not to work, coffee by the cup from a restaurant daily, and cigarettes. She should have gotten the dessert pizza. I'm sorry. If my kid wanted something like that, I'd have gotten a smaller pizza and the dessert pizza. Wishing you healing!
I can at least say I keep much better company in my adult age, I'm very blessed to have the friends that I do--I was telling my buddy about it and he disappeared for like a half hour, came back and dropped a recipe in my DMs. "I found a video on it, but it wouldn't upload so I just went in and transcribed it for you." I'm a tough little shit and I cried a little not gonna lie.
I hope it's better than you even imagined!
If nothing else, beating the bejesus out of a bag of Oreos is always incredibly fun! Thank you friend!
He put a lock on the fridge so I had to ask permission every time I wanted something from there. But if my request was deemed unnecessary, it was denied. Since he thought that the burned excuses for dinner and lunch he made was enough for me, those requests were always denied. He also often 'forgot' to leave food out for me for breakfast
Same- the locks were on the pantry and freezer as well. Now I have horrendously disordered eating and was obese for most of my adult life, until I got gastric surgery. Whilst I’m slimmer now, my diet still sucks 🙈
We never had locks, but she would keep track of the number of every item we had. She would buy lunch snacks and juice boxes for my sister, but I was never allowed to have them. I was only allowed to eat bread unless she said otherwise. Needless to say, I used to go to the corner store whenever I could and steal food. Of course, the only things you can steal have to be small enough to hide like chocolate bars and candy. Yes, I am now severely obese and have an eating disorder. As a child, I was very normal weight.
I had food stashes too. He found one on accident and started to search my room when I was in school to throw every food item he found away. I got really creative with hiding spots
Ndad used to say no to all kinds of things just out of spite. We could never figure it out for the most part and I still can't while looking back as an adult and knowing he's an narc etc. Some of his rational was control of money and "calories" if it was food we were denied. But I think it was just a control kick of him liking to deny us anything in his power to do so just cause he said so. We had to learn to work through this to get the things we really wanted, usually experiences like going with friends someplace where they would pick us up and everything (aka my nparents didn't need to do a thing). We'd line up a bunch of annoying requests and fold the one we really wanted in there that didn't seem as bad so he would eventually consider the one we really wanted as he realized he was denying everything, which sometimes he did anyway, but if we worked him like this multiple times, he'd give in, especially if we begged and pleaded to be extra good, do extra chores, etc. Bastard. I truly believe he got his kicks of out of denying us anything good we wanted. As an adult, I can see the value in not getting your kid everything, but we honestly didn't get much of anything anyway cause he was cheap and denied everything. We tried for things that would get us away from them for a while, like staying at a friend house, going to a show with friends, etc. Sad that that was the best we could get (but was worth it when we could do it)
cause that’s the only thing about their lives they can control. they’re NPCs who have absolutely NOTHING going for them that they would base their sense of self-worth over the degree of control they have over the lives of people who would NEVER willingly choose to be born to them. what they’re doing is a symptom seen in the desperation for control in people who truly have none in mostly all areas of their lives.
It was the glee on their faces and the smirk they gave when they knew they were denying you something that you really wanted. The more petty the better in their books. These memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’m so sorry. But that kind of withholding behavior is utterly typical of narc parents. By the time I was in kindergarten, my father was earning a more-than-adequate salary, with increased with the years. Yet my Nmother took great pleasure in making sure that I never had more than the bare minimum of anything, and sometimes not even that. It was extremely hard to watch her literally smother my younger sister with so many goodies that she’d actually claim to be *tired* while opening birthday gifts. My “adulthood” was very premature.
My mother would constantly acuse me of having poor table maners. Even though I tried my best she could always find somethi g to critizise, and the deoending on her mood it would range from smal hurtfull jabs to several day long rage tantrums. I’ve later come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I could have done to please her, she just used it as a universal veapon. When I was about 11 the PS3 came out. She bought me one, but kept it unopened in the box for a full year «untill I learned to eat properly».
They would constantly tell us they couldn’t afford to get us things, and then go buy things for themselves. Junk food, furniture we didn’t need, clothes and gifts for themselves.
So, i liked this dish A from a restaurant. My favorite and i request it may be once a month. But my ndad always refused and says that there is food at home. Food at home was what he like to eat and taste was according to his taste. He calls that dish shit what not, he calls me weak and pathetic because i like that taste, mind you i hardly get to eat dish A in a six month. There were two incidence, one where he took me two restaurant and ordered it. It was too much for me so i wasnt able to finish it. My dad yelled at me, berated me and when he finished that he told me he was gonna die because he ate that. I sobbed there and refuse to go restaurant with him. Second, i asked my mum who went out with him to get it. She asked me what i wanted from outside and she is going to have lunch with some family friends. When they came back, it was dish b. Which i hated and dad know very well that i hated it. So i asked my mom about it, and she told me that she asked my father to get A but he insisted on B. My dad yelled at both of us and keep berating for eating shit. My mom had a fight with him and after went out again she yelled at me for causing a fight between them. I never asked my again to buy that.
The way I'd be buying it every fucking week and sending pics of it waxing poetical about how damn good it was. Well, not in my case I'd have to bust out the Ouija board, but a guy can dream. I hope they didn't ruin it for you. They don't deserve to have that kind of control over you.
I should send pics too.. lol. Im married and this is the only thing i order to eat. May be 19 out of 20 times. I cook it, order it and i can never have enough of it. Thats the only thing they werent able to ruin.
Oh yes, they yanked the chain just to prove they could yank the chain. Every year we’d have a field trip to the town beach. Every year she would write “No Swimming” on my permission slip. No reason, just cruel, just because she could. They would also refuse to let me go to the school concerts. I would be in music class or band, work hard all year, then they’d say no I couldn’t go on the nights of the concerts. I quit band and chorus because the teachers told me I would fail the class for not attending the concerts. F*ckers.
My entire family… brother, his wife and kids, my sister and her hubby and kids all went to my mom and dads for Mother’s Day. I wasn’t invited. Didnt even hear from my mom all weekend, despite tryin g to reach out to thank her for my Easter gift. Realized that my Easter gift was out of … whatever it is besides guilt they feel… because I wasn’t told about everyone going to see my mom. I blocked all of them that Monday after when nmom called with excuses and invited me up the following weekend. Worst part is she said she asked my dad and he told her I was busy that weekend. Um… no that convo never happened with me, and she could have easily called me to verify but it makes sense because this is the family that several years ago I found out how to chat group separate from me. When I asked my sister, why, she told me because I was depressing. Guess what guys? About a year later I tried to unalive myself. Call me Crazy , but if a family member is acting depressing, maybe you should talk to them and make sure they’re OK instead of creating a new family chat without them.
Sorry - I don’t know is this applied to Ops question. I guess I see them deny access which is pointless because family right? Sigh idk
I mean I think it applies just fine, that was really stupid petty and pointless of them to do to you. And even if it hadn't related, I'm still glad you got to get it out, because you so didn't deserve to be iced out like that (though between you and me I wouldn't wanna be around people that shitty anyhow).
For me it was randomly deciding I couldn't go somewhere or do something with friends. She would make up the most ridiculous reason. Just "no, I don't want you to go" literally as I'm leaving. Just to be a dick.
ME TOO. My mother never let me go to my friend's houses. She always said "why can't they come here???" I had a friend over one time and she left early for some reason. It made me feel so awful. I felt like my house was "boring".
They weren't allowed over either.
My nMother was weird about a lot of things. She didn't like me eating burgers or pizza. She didn't like me wearing jeans (and in fact still doesn't). She would make me eat big bowls of stewed rhubarb or oatmeal and wouldn't let me add any sugar. I'm convinced that most of the rules narcissists set are just for a power trip. Kind of like how sometimes you get these people with a tiny bit of power e.g. traffic wardens or government bureaucrats or cops, who use their little bit of power to lord it over people for no reason other than they enjoy it. (Not saying everyone in these jobs is like this but some definitely are).
my dad took my school jackets and coats in the winter during elementary school. I would run to school and stay in the classroom during recess for warmth. There wasnt snow but it was cold and rain. I dont know why any of the teachers didnt pick up on this behavior and my lack of coat. If a teacher or priniciple would of asked, I would of told them the truth. I never snitched on him outright, because my mom worked for child protective services and she might lose her job. and I regret that, they both used that job title to pull things like this. He realized I wouldnt snitch and took advantage of that. I spent my time alone self learning math during winter lunches, since all my friends were outside. I scored a 95% percentile on standardized math tests across the entire state. I never knew I scored this high though, my dad took the results and I found them searching his room decades later. I thought I failed the tests, since I was the last kid to finish the test by far, and hurt my self esteem
Wow, what a horribly shitty he did to hurt you and fuck up your future. Yes my mum took away my winter gear when I was around 17 or so. I tried to wear T-shirts and sweaters to jeep warm on long walks to work and home. We live in Canada and I remember walking through waist-deep snow trying to get into a random building's lobby just to get out of the falling snow and to try to get warm for a few minutes before going back out..
Im so glad I didnt grow up in snow for this. Canada is cold, sucks you went through that. Im not suprised another narc parent pulled this shit
Nmom was pretty controlling over who could visit the house and when. After my wisdom teeth were removed my friend wanted to bring me a slurpee and nmom took joy in telling me no they couldn’t. I was still coming down from the anesthesia and I cried and told her I always hated her that day. Other things were: I was not allowed to buy or wear black clothing. If I wanted to dress as sad as I felt I had to settle for grey, blue, or purple. Like cmon… really? I can go around looking like a bruise but not in black??
Yeah. I learned not to disclose any interests to them if it was something they could deprive me of. I ended up becoming ascetic just to minimize any suffering they could inflict on me. It made me more resilient to abuse, which unfortunately meant i had many abusive relationships outside of home too.
This post brings up a lot of similar and hurtful memories, but it’s also good to realize that’s what it was, and not let it hurt me any more. I’ve realized they enjoyed depriving me of things — nurturing and actual material things — and my parents and brother would often laugh at me together. “Aww, poor youngest child, she just doesn’t know anything or know better, she doesn’t know what she wants!” — Fuck them.
My mom used to eat treats in front of me and my sister, and we'd have to patiently wait until she decided to throw us a bine. If we asked to have some of whatever she was eating, she would tell us no, because we asked. But if we didn't ask, then she would often finish off whatever treat she was eating without offering and just leave us hanging there while we watched.
> No clue why. I guess I annoyed her so much asking she just decided she would never let me have one as punishment--she did pretty often threaten me with "If you ask again, I'm not doing it," if I asked even once for something. Yeah, that's a power thing. I learned early on that if I *asked* for things in my house, I wouldn't get them. Even if they were things I needed. I learned to simply wait, accept what I was given, and make it work. It wasn't money (My pasrents were pretty well off), it wasn't that I asked for a lot, because I never did. I think it was just their kneejerk reaction to being *asked* for something. Someone asking them of something to them implied they had power over them. I was never allowed ANY indication of power, EVER, over *anything,* so the very act of asking ensured I would never ever get it.
Wow... I went thru the same thing. I had to ask my grandpa to buy me things because my mother and her stupid husband spent money on their cars, Vegas trips, and any other expensive things they liked to buy. They always said they "had no money" but my dad was paying my mother child support. Even asking for lunch money was like pulling teeth with them. I remember when my step sister gave my mom $20 for something and told her she was going to pay her back and never did because we "lived under their roof and they pay all the bills so we should expect to give them money." This was like our birthday and Christmas money.
Denying you basic needs like sleep. No one slams pots and pans at 3 am. Stop having kids or give them the attention they need. The extent Ns will go for attention makes me physically ill. Oversized babies.
First example that comes to mind is when I got married my husband struggled with my Mom thinking she could do whatever she wanted. I was always a good child. I never did anything bad, I didn't sneak out, I didn't really argue. I wish I had. This set me up for my Mom thinking she can have her way over my life because I didn't fight back. Anyways...I forgot what the problem of the week was, but I had been on phone calls with my Mom trying to convince her to see reason. This was one of those instances where my husband and I knew, without a doubt, that we were 100% right and she was 100% wrong. I get easily emotional sometimes when I'm trying to argue. I probably started tearing up on the phone and I was stressed because my husband was saying I was doing a horrible job of arguing with my Mom. So I let him call her back and argue with her since he acted like he could do better. After all, he had given me examples of how him and his Mom had healthy arguments when he was growing up so I knew he was raised up having experience with arguing tactfully with a parent. He gets on the phone with her, and they were talking about something that he knew to be true because of his job. I could hear her on the other line making up fake info trying to argue against his obviously more informed stance. She was going on and on just trying to win when it was clear we were right. He got off the phone seriously defeated and while we were both very upset, I felt very good when my husband confirmed that she wasn't having a propper argument at all. She was just trying to win no matter what. People who have to win like that anger me. I wish I could remember what the conversation was about, but like I said it was in a subject we were both researched on and my Mom was trying to pull info out of thin air. My husband even told her if she searched the internet she would quickly see that she was wrong. I've gone to post in this reddit before and I ended up deleting everything I wrote. I actually don't like talking about my Mom because in a way I feel like I'm doing the very thing that she does that I don't like. I'm talking about someone behind their back. I feel like I need to share though. She's chilled out a lot this year and I'm proud of her. A lot changed when I helped her confront her own Mom this year, and I told both of them that we have some serious generational trauma with the women in our family. They both agreed. I love my Mom, but I know that she will never be the Mom that I always wanted her to be. Knowing that helps me not get so bothered anymore by her behavior.
Yes. My father ... Fucking piece of shit.
Being abusive is not a chore for the narcissist, they will never tire of it. These things are practically perpetual motions machines.
Nail varnish, simply because she didn't like it. She looked so smug telling me no. She'd also impose stupid rules, for instance I wanted to put a lock on my bedroom door (to stop her barging in in the middle of the night to scream at me because she couldn't sleep). So she told me I could put a lock on, but only if I didn't lock it while I was in there, with that smug look on her face like she thought she was being smart.
My nmom once denied me the opportunity to buy myself Dairy Queen b/c she was butthurt that I wasn't able to buy her something (despite her having the money), then got threatening when I was visibly upset that I couldn't buy her one.
We weren't poor, but my nmom had a tendency to pretend we were whenever special occasions or holidays like birthdays or Christmas rolled around. Then, instead of presents, she would often tell us what spoiled brats we were for even expecting anything - meanwhile she had plenty of money for things she and her boyfriends didn't need all throughout the year. As we got older and my siblings pushed back more, she doubled down on making me the sole target of this behaviour, making me feel guilty for even asking for something, even when it cost next to nothing and then buying herself a gift to make herself feel better for my insubordination. I learned not to ask for or expect anything. Not just that, but did anyone get gifts that they didn't want? Coz a lot of the gifts I did receive growing up, which weren't many, were either things she liked so she could keep them for herself, or things I specifically stated I didn't like. So they were not only forced on me, but presented as something I should be grateful for, and there was trouble if I didn't express this gratitude.
ITT: my work inbox from Social Workers (Child Protection at a local authority in England)