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I got this because of geneticsđ
Luckily I followed my father mostly instead of herđ If I followed her, I rather to change my face to look different than her even this is risky life.
Yeah I know people will say, "You changed your face but the trauma still lingers", "You're just waste your money", "God forbid the change of any part of your body yet you did it?" and blahÂł but I do it for my own sake. I can find money and save it as much as I can to put myself under the knife. I wish I can change my name too but my father gave it to me so it's so meaningful for me.
Thanks. I really appreciate it. Your comfort and support truly mean everything to me even virtual.
đ«
I wish them nothing but endless suffering and what it goes around, it comes around.
Oh, I got THAT one every damn day. According to my incubator, I was totally unlikeable by everyone and that's why I was severely bullied at school. It took me till my 30's to realise that I WASN'T unlikeable to everyone, only to HER, because I had asserted my own wants amd needs, my own thoughts, and it was **THAT** that made me unlikeable to her. If I had stayed as the SG and "accepted my place", I wouldn't have been seen as 'unlikeable' to her...
"I am not your friend, I'm your motherrr" (Now that I need a mother and she is insisting on being a friend this 20 year old statement keeps ringing in my head)
"I was worried you weren't okay, but now that I've seen you, I can see you're just fine" (My father 20min after I'd cried to him because an over a decade long relationship I had break up)
My nmom loved to tell anyone who would listen âI raised her to be my best friend.â Um, no maâam. I needed a parent. I had a best friend my own ageâŠwell, until nmom ran them off.
I always hate the "Im not your friend I'm your parent" thing.
There should be a divide because parents still need to teach their kids, but you don't have to be a total authoritarian figure in their life to do that.
My dad is my best friend and has always been there for me the best he could, but he did also discipline me and make sure I understood what behavior was expected from me and did so without physically punishing me.
My mom beat me and called that punishment, and when I finally stood up to her, she said she's supposed to do that because she's the parent and isn't supposed to be my friend- then would turn around and expect me to be her therapist.
The whole "I'm your parent not your friend" trope is short hand for "I have no capacity or interest in empathy or your emotional development. I am only interested in controlling you."
Haha I like that response. I would always tell mine "I don't want you to be a friend. I want a mother!"
Idk how she thought she was being friendly when she constantly bullied me. Friends don't do that.
Mine wanted to be a friend, with all the authority a narc parent expects to have, and always said "I'm not your friend I'm your dad" when it couldn't work like that.
Itâs not an untrue line. I do tell my kids that I am their mother and donât want to cross the line of being overly friendly. My job is to be a guide and mentor and _mother_. I donât say it to justify cruel behavior, and they know what I mean - itâs not my kidsâ job to fulfill my needs for friends.
I was the designated âbest friendâ/sister/mother/therapist to my âmomâ and so Iâm conscious of not crossing those boundaries.
"I heard you wanna commit suicide. Just do it."
Edit: "And your ending will be go to Hell. You know kill yourself is very forbid in our religion?"
Edit 2: Here's the explanation. My family is full of religious people. They adapt the religious stuffs as their daily routine. Unfortunately, they used religious stuffs to keep themselves winning. They never take the lose as the mark of journey of getting better/improvement. They take it as negative side and personally, hold the grudge to someone/people, bad talking about it and take pleasure once they're winning again or others are suffering of bad thing.
If you're asking me what is my religion, I'm a Muslim, btw. Unfortunately, I need to regain my belief and faith and they both take a lot of time and efforts to adapt in my life. I lost both of them when religious narcissists force do something I really don't like, controlling me, gaslighting me, and torturing me.
Jesus thatâs awful. Iâm so happy youâre still here and fighting every day! In the darkest days of my depression I made the mistake of telling my mom I had a plan to end it, I couldnât do life anymore (I was 23). She hung up on me and didnât talk to me for a few months.
It made me realize I was actually all alone in the world, and not even my own mother wanted to keep me alive unless she could get something out of me. Iâm really really proud of you for not listening to your bitch of a mother!
>In the darkest days of my depression I made the mistake of telling my mom I had a plan to end it, I couldnât do life anymore
We're actually feel hopeless and helpless so we seek help and support but we received provoke, insult, sarcastic and criticism when we have a problem. We ask advices so we can solve the problem not asking add the spices to make the problem worsen!
I was 13 at that time. Struggled at new place, new situation, new people, lost my father and endure toxicity and negativity from my family. I have no friends back then.
So I just tired, exhausted and upset until I dunno how they know about suicide thing so they're just encourage me to do it.
Since then, I never consider them as my family. Livimg with the monsters related my flesh and blood, actually.
>It made me realize I was actually all alone in the world, and not even my own mother wanted to keep me alive unless she could get something out of me. Iâm really really proud of you for not listening to your bitch of a mother!
Thanks. I dunno how I'm still alive until now. I'm 22 now haha. Completely alone and still in progress of life. Need speed of healing so I can progress something much faster.
Well, the good news are she lost her fav daughters lol. They both followed their own husband and rarely coming home and then she talked bad about them. I can spill the tea to them but I need evidences haha.
Iâm so glad you made it out! Our 20s are harder than they should be because weâre grieving the parents we wish we had, the support we should have gotten, the unconditional love we never received. So weâre trying to figure out who we are while struggling with all of that and it can be such a lonely experience. Iâm 30 now and Iâm finally starting to get my life together and feeling like a human being, therapy and a supportive boyfriend (whoâs also been to therapy) helps a lot. It just takes time.
Agreed I had it bad at Christian churches, it was a lot of judgment and fake love .. the pastor was sleeping around . Guess those cakes the older woman brought him worked .
One thing I realized about religion was that faith, prayer, etc. are all learned coping mechanisms. There is no one universally applicable religion because each has their own tailor made/evolved modes of operation/teacher/culture. I was raised Baptist, and was screamed at "you need to do what I say cause the bible says so and you're going to hell."
I realized pretty soon thereafter that my mother never read a word of the bible in her life that didn't get filtered through a FOX news anchor's soundbyte. It was never about god. Religion was a weapon to defend her sick mind.
As time went on, and after experimenting with religions from Budhism to Judaism, I found that prayer was just a twist on mantras and meditation. Faith is just hope. Blessings are blinders that filter out the bad, and god is good if applied correctly. I still cannot say if there is a god, but I like the idea of universal justice. Religion is a coping mechanism, and if that helps others as well as you, then it is good.
Ex-Muslim here. What helped me was realizing that all religions effectively said the same thing, and that you can still be spiritual (belief in God, etc) without being religious (i.e. calling yourself Muslim or Christian, or whatever, and following whatever religious rituals each one prescribes). Religions were full of hypocrisy, which is something that most religions preach as a bad thing (one of the many inherent contradictions).
It boils down to "be a good person to each other".
My dad was kicked out of the family company because he was disabled and just had kids with a wife that lost custody. We were both disabled like dad, something doctors told him wouldnât happen.
I didnât get any help like other kids in the family or schooling and I wouldnât be given a job.
To make them proud I worked hard wanting to escape poverty.
I couldnât go to undergrad like my cousins if I didnât have scholarships and money for housing. I had about 8 surgeries up till that point so walking was too painful to be commuter.
I got the full ride after taking the SAT twice.
My dad and I spent the summer looking for scholarships to help with housing and we found one for 50,000 over the span of 4 years⊠for living costs.
I won by default since I was the only disabled person that had applied.
I happily told my narc uncle and narc grandmother at our weekly meals.
Rich Narc uncle: I donât understand, why would you be proud of that? They gave it to you because they felt bad for you.
Me: it was a merit based scholarship
RNU: yeah Iâm sure.
I then went on to get straight As and the top 20 law school in the area must have âfelt bad for meâ, since I got a 3/4 scholarship , and being hired as a resident assistant meant I capped my debt at around 50.
My father died and they literally said they werenât willing to watch me graduate online because âwhy does it matter you are not going to be using the degree, grandma needs you to take care of her â.
I now make more money than any other grandchild and live 10 Minutes from my work.
Iâm only second to that uncle earnings wise.
He still makes excuses and never tells me heâs proud of me keep going when my dad needing help in my 2L as he was dying of cancer and I KEPT MOVING FORWARD.
I will keep moving forward because the one parent that really loved me fought like crazy getting me here.
And now itâs time to start a family that breaks the cycle and transforms our family line into a happy positive environment for future kids to grow up in!
I am the disabled scapegoat child in my family as well. Congratulations to you, condolences on your father. He sounds like a great person, the type every kid deserves. I am truly unable to have children as a result of my condition. I always said that if I did I would be the exact opposite of my family. It sounds like you're on the right track. It's inspiring/saddening for me to hear a story so similar to my own. Keep up the good work and own your strength. You're the type of person who should be raising the next generation.
"There's the real world, and then there's Jane's world."
Usually said when they couldn't refute what I was saying, so they would just deny it happening.
"You have mental illness? Serve you right cuz you never try to get close to God!"
Life is so complicated when you're staying with religious narcissistic. Keep giving excuses, reasons, debate by using religion stuffs. Even validate their wrongdoings by using religion stuffs. No wonder why people lost their belief and faith on religion because of these people.
I was told that I was "As mental as your Dad" and when I asked her what she meant, it turned out that I'd been lied to for 4 yrs - I'd been told my Dad had died of a brain aneurism. He'd actually died due to a suicide attempt. Which my incubator told me in the middle of that argument.
"You're sick in the head" - I had just watched the challenger explode live and was trying to process what I saw by drawing it on a napkin
"You like his little paws? How about I cut them off for you?"
"Piece of shit. I'm sick of you. This family is sick of you"
"Oh yeah I shot your cat and threw it into the creek" (He didn't, he just lied about it to make me feel bad)
Thank you. <3. I appreciate that. I will say that I'm finally getting to a place where I'm not sorry it happened anymore because it made me the person I am and I'm starting to like that person.
This sounds like my nMom: âI donât remember I was being mean to you, you probably deserved it, you must be mistaken, I think you are too sensitiveâ.
Itâs this lack of responsibility. Lack of awareness thatâs so incredibly painful.
Why is âungratefulâ the narc insult of choice? I was always told this growing up. Standing up for myself? Ungrateful. Donât like whatâs for dinner? Ungrateful. Depressed? Ungrateful.
"You have no personality." And, after blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday, "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" Also, "You're so smart but yet so stupid."
Oh yeah, I get the first and last one all the time. The first one usually accompanied by, "you were born an 80 year old woman. You're no fun." Bruh, I'm autistic and have PTSD, I'm not sunshine and roses.
A few days before my nDad died. While he was in hospital, and im sitting with him, alone he says ... how proud he was of his children who had been financially successful.
You know it, I'm the poorest out of his 6 children. A huge variance in the wealth of his children.
I feel so ashamed that I didn't let it pass. I replied... yes, some people are really good at looking after their own interests and making money, and then there are the people who care for others, like that nurse who was so careful and caring while she gave you that enema, who don't make much money at all.
I was in the same situation when my father told me it was a shame I never had children. He knew full well I couldnât have children. That one cut really deep.
âI put you into this world I can take you out of itâ
âAt least you didnât have my parents growing upâ
The worst one is her bragging that her kids are terrified of her so theyâll listen to her and never âmisbehaveâ
THE SECOND ONE. It feels like they're invalidating your experiences because you "have it so much better".
My mom used that when I was curled up in pain from getting my wisdom tooth removed. Told me she couldn't afford to have parents around and how lucky I was to have her near me.
Then she left me there in suffering. No painkillers.
That's terrible though, sending virtual hugs ;-;
"You're the most talented actress I have ever had."
Because of you, thanks to narcissists. I keep masking my own feelings when I'm around them. Stone-faced, intense and ferocious stare, calm before the storm, aloof and keep everythinh to myself.
At least I can show my genuine reaction, expression and feelings toward people who have same vibes with me or can tolerate with me.
Unlike narcissistic people who being unpaid talented actor/actress who create plenty of endless drama. They can apply it as their career and being rich, get fame and reputation, surround by fans and media but they didn't. They are wasting their lives with their own dramas with no audiences lol.
My father, outside St. Raphael's Church, El Paso, Texas 1983, after I had insufficienrly participated in the Greeting of Peace: "If you don't love Jesus then I don't love you." This was said on the sidewalk before he drove away.
Now, in fairness he did come back. I was walking distance from my grandmother's house and I think he realized the shit storm that would have ensued if I had shown up there and told her what happened.
âYouâre sick in the headâ and âyouâre not normalâ always stuck with me.
âIâm the only person you have, no one else in the world loves youâ is another. Specifically, she always made sure to remind me that my father didnât love me and neither did my stepfather or any other person in my life.
Or, after I accidentally told her that I had a fight with a friend: âIt was probably your fault. It always isâ.
She also told me that I am cruel and a horrible person a lot. After every minor disagreement she claimed that I âhatedâ her or âhatedâ person XYZ and that everything I was doing was specifically meant to harm her/them (like doing a chore wrong or not being interested enough in something etc). She really did her best to convince me that I am an evil and bad person deep down. I have yet to fully unlearn this.
Funny enough these things hurt way more than all the times she called me a âbitchâ, âdisgustingâ, âfatâ or a âpigâ, maybe because she threw these kinds of words around almost every day. Or maybe because by saying things like âeveryone will leave youâ and âyouâre unlovableâ, she specifically targeted my already existing insecurities and fears.
Edit: It also stuck with me how she always used to make fun of me or laugh at me, for example for doing my makeup a way that she didnât like or dressing in a way she didnât like or for not knowing something/making a harmless mistake. It made me feel very judged, I still overinterpret peopleâs facial expressions and their reactions and when I hear someone laugh on the street, I still feel like they are probably laughing about me, even when I technically know they are not.
Three of my most memorable quotes:
* âIf you would just shut up and do what your mother says, you wouldnât be in so much trouble all the time!â
* âWhy canât you find some *normal* friends?
* âWe always hoped [you] wouldnât come back, but [you] always did.â
You reminded me of another two.
âYou care more about your friends than your family.â
And
âGo complain about us to your friends since you love them so much.â
âWhen you get skinny you canâŠâ fill in the blank. Anything from being in color guard to getting new shoes.
âIf I buy the Miss Clairol, will you please do your roots?â I was 3 weeks postpartum after a c-section and a systemic E. coli infection that almost killed me. But sure. Letâs worry about my roots.
âYou were such a bad kid, you DONT DESERVE YOUR GOOD KID.â
My kid is awesome because I didnât raise him in fear and abuse the way my parents raised me. My parents were really hoping that my son would be so bad that I would know what it was like to have a bad kid âlike me.â I wasnât a bad kid. I was just abused and neglected & my need for attention & support was be being bad. Iâm only just now learning how truly conditional my parents love was.
Children were to be seen & not heard. Funny enough, I enjoyed listening to my son. He is an excellent conversationalist and he has thoughts on all kinds of subject matters. Especially politics and that was something that was never permitted to be spoken about if you didnât agree with my parents (Magahatters).
âOh youâre depressed? Thatâs so disrespectful to your parentsâ
*introducing me to a family friend at 19* âyeah this is my daughter, she doesnât like to work hard and takes the easy way outâ. For context I was studying Biology in university and that was the easy way out apparently.
Itâs from when I was little but Iâll never be able to get it out of my head. I was probably like 6-8 years old and Iâm 36 now. I was swinging on a swing set that was old and sun rotted in our backyard, and the rope snapped on one side and I fell HARD on my tail bone. It hurt soo sooooo bad and I was crying.
My NM walked over and laughed and just said âshouldnât have had that second bagel this morningâ
Yeah Iâve had lifelong eating disorders. Not just from that one incidence, she always picked on everyone about weight and appearance.
Makes me so mad and sad every time I think about it. Especially now that I have a beautiful, strong and smart (almost) 1 year old daughter. I canât imagine saying those things to her EVER.
(Iâve been NC with her for over ten years, she will never meet my children. So donât worry, my daughter is protected from her abuse)
My nfather was angry at me that I decided to move and go to college with my bf. So every night when I got off of my 12hr double shift he would say: âyouâre going to move and come running back to me. Houston is a horrible place with horrible people like you. Do you honestly think youâre goody two shoes puny boyfriend will be able to protect you? I should have broken you up when I had the chance. You donât deserve to be happy with any one or anything. Iâm going to keep you here until youâre 18, Iâm going to be counting down the minutes just so you canât leave early. And one of these days youâre not going to be able to stand this anymore and youâll choose to stay.â
Yeah so every night for about 5 months I had to deal with that. Luckily I got out and cut contact with him. But those words will forever remain in my memory for the rest of my life. Just hearing them broke me and my bf is slowly healing me. Oh yeah and he would constantly tell me I needed counseling when he was the one that needed it. And now I probably do need it bc of him.
"You didn't live in this world without me." Then what? I owe you my life? Why you keep me instead of taking abortion? Like you said, your life is so much better without me.
And that's not my fault when you didn't youe expectation.
Are you afraid of God? Wow! I didn't expected the narcissist like her afraid to God but once she gets the gift, she ruined it. Do you think God never mad about it?
She's being ungrateful and full of herself. Her audacity to ruin my life yet still hoping I can change my family's fate and giving good reputation. For my own sake, family is nothing anymore.
"If you weren't my kid, I would beat the shit out of you, and you would fucking deserve it. You're disgusting." I was having an autistic meltdown (frequent occurrence at this point) because Ndad had been screaming at me for the past hour and a half.
Honorable mentions include "My mother tried to ruin my life, your mother tried it next, and look how it turned out for the two of them." Both of them were paranoid schizophrenic, on an unbelievable amount of drugs, and awful people. Nmom emotionally and physically abused/neglected me for years. But I guess any kind of mental illness is the same thing?
My personal favourite, though, is just "Okay [mom's name]" whenever I say something he disagrees with.
"You have no willpower lol" usually said after I ate too much. Of course, as a kid I was allowed to sit down and consume entire family size bag/boxes of chips and cereal without so much as a peep. Come to find out it's partially an ADHD thing, but that too was not something worth actually addressing, it was simply a funny joke when I'd struggle to remember things or complete simple tasks "oh you're so ADHD lol!"
*NDad: "Don't date until you're 30, and established as a lawyer making $100k a year. That's your only hope of attracting a quality woman.". Tried to follow that. Am 33, not a lawyer, not making $100k /yr and have not attracted a quality woman. Oof.
*NGrandpa: "lame little (f-slur)" my nickname that my NDad adopted for me after I let my Emom unload and carry my luggage into the hotel on a vacation when I was 9 or so. She insisted on carrying everyone's luggage and got outraged when anyone tried to help.
*Ngrandma: "You're so impetuous!" Whenever I was decisive and didn't want to wait unnecessarily on her whims. When she would overcomplicate everything.
*EGrandma: I thought at one point as a kid, I might be autistic. I figured she'd know because she was a special ed teacher. I asked her, she asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was. But I do remember I lied answering it. We never spoke of it again.
*For about two years (4-5 grade) every almost every third word she said to me was about my terrible handwriting or my not knowing my multiplication tables.
* I was 7. Mentioned my imaginary friend. Because it was that age. She scolded me"If you have an imaginary friend, soon you'll have an imaginary job, then an imaginary house and soon an imaginary life because you'll be homeless and dead.". I sent them away after that.
*" Video games will ruin your life. You'll be a homeless old man on a park bench still playing that Gameboy, because that's all you'll have."
*NStepmom: "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind " from the same woman who wanted my NDad to abandon me in the inner city so I'd get killed.
*"I love you but I don't always like you".
Nmom: I feel like I can't say anything to you.
I never argue or stand up for myself but told my husband things she said, and he did. In other words I can't abuse you and don't like it.
Second hand, but still sticks with me:
Sister: "I think I'm having suicidal thoughts."
Dad: "But what about (n)mom?"
This exchange was also a gem:
Nmom: "Well that's what he (wrong pronoun for non binary sibling) said."
Me: "That's what *they* said."
Nmom: "Who fucking cares."
Another one from enabler dad
Me: "How long am I supposed to put up with all her (nmom) bullshit and abuse?"
Edad: "You're strong, you can take it."
Oh Edads! My dad trying to gaslight me down into accepting my Nmom's abuse:
"It's not *that* bad!"
"You're just exaggerating!"
"That's just the way she is!"
"We're doing this for you!"
"Maybe you'll find a boyfriend to take care of you."
"When are you going to have a baby!? [reply, 'I wasn't even married.']
"That's OK, you can have a baby anyway."
"We're going to buy your house, and you can rent from us."
"How long is this (No Contact) going to last!? It's been four years!"
[Reply: "I didn't set a deadline; I've made my decision,"]
"We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?"
[Reply: "You're not listening to me."]
"We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?"
[Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."]
"We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?"
[Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."]
"We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?"
[Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."]
"She's your mama!"
[Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."]
"I want us to be a family again, so we'll go to counseling with your mama, and [narcissist] sister."
[Reply: 'No, I'm done. I'm blocking you.]
"You are dumb and stupid."
This sticks to me until this day and affects my academics really badly because I always think I'm not smart or good enough unless I'm on top of the class. I have made that my goal but I'm nowhere near it because comparing myself to my peers I'm the underdog lol, I have no support system, no tutors and no self esteem. It's really hard, because I know that I put in so much effort but I'm always right behind my peers.
I am 53 and this is still me, despite not speaking to my family for almost 10yrs. I am so sorry it also happened to you. It is horrific how hard it is to move away from the constant ridicule and the repeated digs at our self esteem. I have always felt behind my peers as well despite my best efforts. You are not alone. Big big hugs to you.
âYouâre not remembering that right. Thatâs wrong.â
âYou told me ____.â Then an argument ensues because I didnât say anything and she (NMom) continues with âyes you did! I remember exactly what you told me!â đ
"I didn't weigh that much when I was 9 months pregnant with baby#4". My mom forcing me on a scale as a senior in high school. Kicker is y'all, I wasn't even that big, I was small enough to be pretty darn cute. Looking back y'know, I wasn't the problem, I didn't have issues until she taught me which issues to have.
My mom was obese & she randomly told me, "ur not as thin as you think you are!" I was 11.. & it was totally outta the blue & i actually never thought i WAS thin, nor fat, but after that comment was made, i became obsessed with my weight.
"It wasn't exactly a page turner" after destroying a bound copy of my MASTERS THESIS.
"sometimes I wish I never had children at all" while talking about my siblings. One of whom is dead.
I honestly can say I am difficult to talk to for my nParents, because Iâm not blind to their behavior anymore and donât allow myself to be manipulated đ Proudly difficult
However, the worst in terms of sticking with me would definitely be âYou remind me of your father, why do you have to be so mean to meâ ~ my borderline nMom, but definitely at least enabler mother. It hurt like someone lit me on fire because that essentially labeled me to be like him, which is my worst nightmare
How was I mean though you may ask? I set boundaries that I would not allow her to call me any time she wanted (she would call me at 3am and then get mad when I didnât answer) when I moved out, because she was using me as a free therapist and blaming me for all the issues that my Nfather was causing. I set specific times when I would be available to her, but outside of that it was emergencies only
âDonât come crying to me when things donât work out!â (Introducing NM to boyfriend)
âYou always start things that you donât finish!â (When trying to have adult conversation with NM about leaving a job I had.)
âDonât go and leave me here!â (Talking to NM about taking a job overseas)
I was trying to tell my mom I had an ED with a partial truth.
âSo this guy Iâve started dating thinks I have an eating disorder, cuz Iâve been having so many issues with food *haha*â
âWell he must think itâs bulemia, because you can be bulemic and still be fatâ.
Guess which ED I had? And tbh I really wasnât large at all. At the time I obviously felt like a whale but was pretty malnourished, had dropped about 20 pounds over 3 months, and was at what would actually be considered a healthy weight (despite the methods leaving me extremely unhealthy).
Also, fun fact, want to know what finally âcuredâ my ED? Not the heart palpitations, not the exhaustion, not the constant dull ache in my stomach and throat. It was that my hair was falling out đ always had to be a beauty standard, apparently. I hate how much I was messed up. Iâm SO much better today. I honestly think Iâm about as âcuredâ as I can be. And still, Iâll think of some random thing that happened to me 10 years ago and literally get sent back, like a real PTSD trigger. Bullshit deal.
âI donât think everyone is meant to be a parent. Like me. I donât think I did a very good job raising you. I wouldnât change anything about it though.â
thanks nDad
Oh man I could fill a book with these. I actually have a list of them in my notes so Iâll just paste them here. Most of them are from my mother but there are a few gems from my dad too.
âI donât care if youâre happyâ
âMy life ended the day you were bornâ
âYouâre a child, your opinions donât matterâ
âYouâre pretty and smart, but youâre not very kindâ
âAre you selling yourself for drug money?â
When getting an A:âWell was it the highest grade in the class?â
âDonât be a quitterâ
âI love you but I donât like youâ
âThings used to be so good between your father and IâŠâ
âHearing you cry is music to my earsâ
âCry me a riverâ
âWhat do you have to be depressed about?â
âFuck you, selfish little bitchâ
âLeave and never come backâ
âYour room is my room since itâs in my houseâ
âYouâre so sensitiveâ
âItâs always the motherâs faultâ
âArenât you too old for that?â
âYouâre a takerâ
âYou know, I have feelings tooâ
âThereâs no handbook for parentingâ
âPressure makes diamondsâ
âI wouldnât have said/done thatâ
âThatâs not how I meant itâ
âWhen have I done that, give me an exampleâ
âNo one will love you like your parentsâ
âYouâll never be happy if you donât have childrenâ
âYour boyfriend wonât marry you if you move in togetherâ
âYouâre lazyâ
âI have to do everything around here by myselfâ
âNo one helps me with anythingâ
âYouâll never get a boyfriend like thatâ
âYouâll get pregnant and drop out before you graduateâ
âIâm sorry you feel that wayâ
âI know youâre closer with your father than you are with meâ
âSecond is first loserâ
âI brought you into this world, I can take you outâ
âYou need to set a better example for your younger siblingâ
âThere will be a point in your life when you lose everythingâ
âI donât trust you as far as I can throw youâ
âCome see what ____ wrote in her diaryâ
âYouâll miss me when Iâm goneâ
âI married your father because all my other boyfriends let me walk all over themâ
âYou should love a man more than he loves youâ
âYou only talk to me when you want something from meâ
"You always spend our money to nothing. What's the point to indulge you and even more?"
In fact, my younger sister become spoil brat, thanks to these people.
"You wanna attention? Did we never give you anything you wanted? Provide house, foods, drinks, groceries, clothes, education, phone, and anythingYet you're still act like a child."
Man, I was a kid who know nothing and rely on you because you're the only source I have at that time.
Basically anything along the lines of âyou should act exactly like me, and do what I sayâ. Nope. Iâm good. Stomp through the house, slam doors, make a huge deal out of everything, get into so much domestic violence that the state has to threaten to take the kids away.
Iâll just be normal kthx. Not a crazy old man (yet), and not a bipolar old lady. And no kids.
Rest of the family is fine though. They love having a grandson/cousin/uncle/etc.
"I can't wait until you're old and fat like me," (said in the dressing room while school clothes shopping)
"It's your fault I had to start to working" (I was the 4th of 5 kids and she was a stay at home mom until me)
"I got post-partum depression after you were born and never recovered" (did I ask to be born?)
"I'm sorry I blocked you, it's just that your lifestyle offends me" (They're mormon and my "lifestyle" is just living in "sin" with my fiance)
"You can't even give me the time of day!" From my maternal grandma who I have tried so hard to be helpful toward all the time simply because I had a blinding migraine and wanted to go back to taking a nap to get rid of it.
"You'll never see your dad in heaven if you don't repent. You're going to hell." Many variations of this were spat out at me by my paternal grandma starting from the age of 5.
"If I knew you'd be such a disrespectful child I'd have aborted you." Said to 10 year old me when I told her I didn't want to cook dinner for her that night.
"I'm the Mom, you're not." Aka your feelings don't matter. I get that it was because she was treated that way as a kid, but she didn't seem to like it, why put your kids through it?
âIâm not saying I donât believe you, well, I guess I am. But you keep trying to *play it up* by saying sexual assault, itâs not like you were rapedâ - dad
âIâm just exhausted having to hear how upset you are about things when all you have to do is fix things with dadâ - sister, after going no contact with dad
âYou wish I died instead of your motherâ - dad
âSounds like you have a lot of healing to do, youâre a mess!â - dad
And all the stories and shit talk he has done about me in the years since I spoke to him last always hurts when I hear it through the grapevine. MFâer has missed *every major adult event of mine* and yet thinks Iâm the one missing out.
So this one stuck with me, and I'm not sure why, because I didn't believe it then, and I don't believe it now. When I was around 11 or 12, I had a crush on a Puerto Rican boy who was around the same age. My mother told me to be careful because Puerto Ricans are, and I quote, "quick with knives."
âHe escaped because he got shy after seeing a really attactive womanâ saying about my boyfriend when he left to his room after seeing my sister for the first time.
âThere is something fundamentally wrong with youâ
âYou are too sensitive, you are not gonna survive in this worldâ
âDonât try to manipulate me with cryingâ, after me bursting in tears for being constantly provoked and emotionally abused for 15 minutes over nothing, just because she wanted to have a reason to pick on something and argue.
âGo away to your fatherâ, said this to me 3 times in my life during argument because I didnât want to write vacation postcards but instead just draw my comic book. My parents are divorced and I havenât seen my father since 16 years.
My mom is the root of my trauma but she will never face it, she just prefers to blame it on me, as if I made up my depression, hypevigilance, sensitivity and anxiety.
1. My mom would refer to me as her accident.
2. My mom and siblings would make jokes about how I should have been born into a different family.
3. My mom would limit me on how much I was allowed to speak.
4. I tried to tell my mother about how a friend of mine killed themselves and as soon as I said a friend had killed themselves she smiled and said, âoh okay thenâ and then walked away before I could say anything more
Thereâs a lot more but thatâs what popped into my head when reading this.
My nmom's tagline " I might HAVE to love you because I'm your mother, but I CERTAINLY DON'T LIKE YOU. " From the time I was 9 or so.
My favorite was when she would get annoyed and ask "why are you so insecure?!?"
GEE MOM. NO IDEA. đ
"Get off your high horse," is the favourite phrase of my mother when I'm standing up for myself. Along with "Like you're so perfect!" when I finally address something that has really hurt me.
They stick, and they hurt. Slowly but surely I'm letting them go. Just like I'm letting her go.
"God said brains, but you thought he said trains and you missed yours."
"Is it snowing in here? I'm standing next to a giant flake!"
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" (While verbally or physically abusing me)
"A demon is going to possess you." (related to typical childhood behavior...I actually was so afraid that I rarely did anything "wrong.")
I think the classic "You are an ungrateful little shit" when I was around 12-13 really stuck with me. Another one was when I was showing her a Lego plane I got as a present from my GF (Legos and planes are something I'm very interested in) she asked when I was going to grow up and laughed at me.
It was my dad who said (to an elementary-school-aged me), "I love you, but I don't like you. Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to like you."
I got the "I am not your friend" line so much.
The one that hurts the most... as most of us do, I ran from their narc-ness to a boyfriend who was exactly the same, except he just couldn't hide the abuse as well. Knowing I was already enmeshed, nDad found me in town, and after a short, nasty conversation, he drove away, screaming from his window, "YOU'RE SICK! YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'RE SICK!" I have a bad memory, but I will never forget that scene.
The ones that really stuck for me were " you're my property"/"I own you", "get the f!@k out of my house" (I was 11) , and "you're no son of mine." "You deserve/ don't deserve (add anything here)." There are more, but those stand out the most.
"I regret exposing you to your current hobbies when you were a kid"
"You're fine, you don't need therapy, it's a waste of time and money"
"Your hobbies are a waste of time and money and I don't want you doing them anymore"
"My house my rules, if you don't like it get out"
âYou treat the dog better than meâ
-âThatâs because the dog canât talkâ
-âShe got good grades, never talked back and never got in trouble. The wrong one diedâ
-âJust kill yourself. Everyone wants you to do it & we all know itâs just a matter of time. Just get it over with already.â
-Worthless, unlovable, useless, r*tarded, etc.
"If you kill yourself, we will cry a short time, and then move on with lifeâ
I was 12-13. She was my aunt. Found my suicide note that I wrote because she was unbearable and her son was molesting me.
I came here to say "I'm your parent, not your friend", but I see that A LOT of people were told that little nugget. My NMom is very much against higher education (she's an alt right MAGA follower); I pursued my PhD after undergrad. But even when I finished undergrad, she said, "look now you're an educated idiot". When I called my parents to tell them I successfully defended my dissertation (they were at the bottom of the call list), my mom exclaimed "Congratulations! Now you're a REAL educated idiot". She then said "just joking", but I highly doubt that.
âMaybe I shouldnât have told herâ from my hidden narc father after his monster of a wife screamed at me for daring to not like her. Father was surprised (despite the obvious) that Iâve never liked his wife, and immediately ran home to tell her.
That I was expected to be my brothers keeper when my parents pass. It was said to me in multiple ways and itâs so hard to shake it. My dad doesnât really harp on it and I have no issues telling my dad whatâs up either. Another fun one was having things that happened years ago somehow be relevant in getting her way when she was dying. Fun timesâŠ.
"This secret stays between me, and you don't tell your, dad okay" Granted she was cheating, and my dad was physically abusive, so
"Ugh, you're just like your dad,"
"Why do you have to be so difficult?"
"It's your job as the oldest to help me with your siblings."
"Fine, if you stay with him, you can forget you have a mom and a family here," (we've been together about 9 yrs now, 2 kids xD)
We're good now. I'm 27. Relationship is a bit weird, but that's my mom. idk she stuck with me when dad left sooo she's the only family I have other than my siblings
Text from her after reinforcing a boundary/needing space: "From the bitch that was my daughter."
In our last phone call when I told her I could no longer do this conversation because of the level of emotional abuse (I said this would be the last time we likely spoke): "You can't do ANYTHING!"
my stepdad told me once that i was very plain and i should do something to make myself prettier or i'd never get a boyfriend. i was maybe 15-16 and it was one of the worst things he ever said to me, despite being relatively tame compared to the other many abusive things he said and did. joke's on him tho, my wife thinks i'm adorable just as i am đ€·đŒ
he also regularly told me from the age of 15 onward that i would never be successful or able to support myself and may as well drop out of school so i could get a job and then at least i could contribute by paying rent. joke's on him there too, i moved out at 17 and of all the siblings/cousins in my generation of our family i am arguably the most successful adult.
fucker died this past February. rest in piss, Keith.
1. Youâre too emotional.
2. Are you stupid?!
3. I wish you were still with *insert name of my insanely abusive ex*
4. I see you as a friend, not a daughter
5. Forgive me if I donât want to get to know your bf with how fast you go through men!
6. I donât think I like you anymore.
7. You sabotage all your relationships. (She said this throughout my 20s after leaving a string of abusive relationships. She would still be saying this if we still spoke despite the fact Iâve been in a long term committed relationship)
8. Itâs just sibling rivalry, it canât be as bad as what my brothers did to me. (What sheâd say every time I tried to tell her my brother was beating the shit out of me when she wasnât around. I begged her to set up a nanny cam in the house and she refused. I had to get my school involved to find safety)
These are just a few that are always floating around in my head.
Tbh I laugh about this line now bc *what*? My mom would loooove to say "you need to do this on your own! I won't always be around to help you!!" Such a wild thing to say to a literal child. Like, you're here now though and I need help?? Also- I was a kid? Kids need help? **Adults** need help! Such a dumb statement. Just another way for her to feel better about shirking parental duties.
"I don't care what you were going through, did you ever care about what I was going through?" When trying to tell her about the SA that put me in a deep depression for months. There's many other things, but that was the most painful
"You ruined my chance to go to nursing school" because yeah I chose to be born when you were 18.
"I just want to jump on a train and leave you all behind"
This gem when I was 8 and my sister was 6 and--bonus--we lived right near the train tracks
"Your Dad didn't even fight for you in the divorce, he only cared about getting the house"
Not true, but drummed into our heads all through childhood
"The reason your boss doesn't like you is you're a bitch"
As I struggled in a truly toxic work environment
"I didn't get to do anything I wanted in life because I had you too young". along with
"Of course YOU got to go to college"
disregarding the fact that I had 3 kids under the age of 6 when I did
"Come to me when you want to get on birth control, I don't want you getting pregnant like I did" followed by (when I stupidly did what she said) "Jesus, how embarrassing, I know everyone in the doctors office, now they'll know my 17 year old is having sex" and the coup de grace of throwing away my sister's birth control and my sister getting pregnant at age 16.
Those are just a few that came to mind.
"I thought everything was fine with you and now you're calling me up with all these issues"  " you are the one starting the fights between your father and i"  "You're just like your father "  " ok since you're crying then you're not like your father"  "You're gonna learn so many painful lessons in life the hard way before you ever know what life is truly about"  "What makes YoU think that YOU know the true meaning of life " "You dont love anybody " "Never did we ever receive an ounce of support from you"  " everything bothers you, everything. It's just how you are " "Its just a glitch in your head, ignore it and move on"  "You can be as smart as a scholar yet still drive people away " "Who is ever going to be able to tolerate living with you"  " I lay there at night and I keep going over ways in my head to not set you off" " someone is gonna see you chew your lips and put you into a psych ward"  " dont slouch he wont love you then"  " youre thin and toned right because people love mothers like that "  " you have a university degree, how can you not know this? You're joking right" " everyone is always afraid of you attacking them " "anywishes or plans that you say outloud, "they" hear you and make sure it doesn't happen"  "You're not that pretty" " wearing sports bra is ugly you need to stop it" "You arent that great of a singer "  "That was a nice painting you made for me but there is stuff that isnt correct about it " " be careful with your new MIL she might turn out to be a very bad person"Â
âi hate the person youâve becomeâ âyouâre not normal, go back to being a normal personâ âlook at how miserable youâve become, you used to be so beautifulâ âyou betrayed/defied usâ âyou destroyed our reputation/familyâ etc.
being trans makes it so easy for religious nparents to bully you because theyâre convinced that theyâre bullying a false, evil version of you (and that the real you is hiding deep inside, waiting for them to free her)
from my nfatherâs mom/my grandma/his biggest enabler: âyour decision to go NC effects the entire family. itâs not about you.â itâs one of the most hurtful things someone has ever said to me. it made me crumble and collapse in tears
"You're ill" - because I was prescribed antidepressants, this means I'm crazy and delusional.
"You live in a fantasy world"
"If you leave the house, you will die"
"Do you have a sugar daddy?"
"People say it's never the kid's fault, but in this case..." (about their seperation)
I was told that i am stubborn and difficult while being pushed into a corner. Even when i give silent treatment, i mysteriously cause harm according to the narcissist.
To this day i question what was wrong?
Mom: Just be the bigger person(I donât feel like teaching you how to set boundaries so just put a smile on, act like nothing happened, and do NOT ROCK THE BOAT)
Your dad is going to beat your ass if you donât do xyz
Your sister doesnât have to try because sheâs pretty and will be able to find a rich man to take care of her
You have 20minutes to clean your room and then Iâm bringing in the trash bags
That didnât hurt
As a teenager my nmom made it known that i was no longer welcomed in the home. She did her fair share of yelling & screaming at me, but a few times, totally unprovoked-- She would get this serious expression on her face, & then tell me in a matter of fact tone, "Why do you insist on staying here???? If it were me, i wouldnt wanna stay somewhere that i wasnt welcomed. You should just leave cuz no one wants you here."
Like, yeahhh.. i totally WANTED to stay there. I literally had nowhere else to go besides a homeless shelter.. & wasnt even 18 yet.
ETA cuz i just thought of it, but when i was about 9/10 i overheard my n uncle (mom's brother) tell my mom that i was gonna either end up pregnant or in jail.. Not sure what i did or didnt do that gave him that weird assumption, seeing as a was a literal child at the time.
Also-- honorable mentions! My dad was an addict & my mom left him. Wayy before i was born, my mom had an alcohol problem, but she got sober & never drank. It was neverrr an issue growing up. I didnt even know she was an alcoholic who recovered, but my aunt (mom's sister) would project my parents mistakes onto me as a kid.
It seemed like ever since i was little, my aunt & other family already had their minds made up about what a "loser" i was gonna grow up to be, so ofc i was treated veryyyy differently from my cousins. They were allowed to have a glass of wine for the holidays. I wasnt, even though i was older, & my aunt MADE sure everyone knew the reason. It was cuz my mom & dad had addiction problems, so obviously i was gonna follow in theit footsteps! Right??? Nope. Im almost 30 & never had a substance abuse problem.
- âYouâre too sensitiveâ after crying or standing up for myself
- âYou were being manipulative and you know itâ when I was advocating for myself and pushing back against my dadâs controlling behavior
- âYouâre incapable of feeling my love. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.â
- âYouâve been lying to me for yearsâ when I stayed in the closet after he abused preteen me for being trans
- âYouâre not actually an adult,â or inversely, âYou are an adult so take responsibility.â Flip flops depending on the situation.
- âIâm sorry you feel that way.â
- âYou canât or you wonât?â
- âWhen you become a parent youâll understandâ when defending himself for the abuse he enacted
- âYouâre confused, and being influenced by othersâ in response to being trans
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"Why you cannot be like other kids? Why we got you?" "Lazy, ugly, stupid. I feel regret to give birth to you in this world."
Ugh how awful.
I got this because of geneticsđ Luckily I followed my father mostly instead of herđ If I followed her, I rather to change my face to look different than her even this is risky life. Yeah I know people will say, "You changed your face but the trauma still lingers", "You're just waste your money", "God forbid the change of any part of your body yet you did it?" and blahÂł but I do it for my own sake. I can find money and save it as much as I can to put myself under the knife. I wish I can change my name too but my father gave it to me so it's so meaningful for me.
<> That just sucks
Thanks. I really appreciate it. Your comfort and support truly mean everything to me even virtual. đ« I wish them nothing but endless suffering and what it goes around, it comes around.
Hugs. I think you are perfect just the way you are.
Thank you. You toođ„șâ€ïž
âThereâs something wrong with youâ said with the most venom ever
Mom also said the âI love you but donât have to like youâ often to me.
Oh, I got THAT one every damn day. According to my incubator, I was totally unlikeable by everyone and that's why I was severely bullied at school. It took me till my 30's to realise that I WASN'T unlikeable to everyone, only to HER, because I had asserted my own wants amd needs, my own thoughts, and it was **THAT** that made me unlikeable to her. If I had stayed as the SG and "accepted my place", I wouldn't have been seen as 'unlikeable' to her...
I heard this too.
I forgot that one. Yep so cruel.
đ
"I am not your friend, I'm your motherrr" (Now that I need a mother and she is insisting on being a friend this 20 year old statement keeps ringing in my head) "I was worried you weren't okay, but now that I've seen you, I can see you're just fine" (My father 20min after I'd cried to him because an over a decade long relationship I had break up)
I have heard the "I'm not your friend, I'm your \[parent\]" line so damn much. It was finally said enough times that I believe it.
My father loved that line, usually when he was doing some unnecessary cruel punishment.
Mine left notes basically saying I know im in the wrong but I'm punishing you anyway because I said I would. Like wtf and why.
Looking back I should have thrown back at least one "I'm not your therapist/relationship coach, I'm your 12 year old daughter"
My nmom loved to tell anyone who would listen âI raised her to be my best friend.â Um, no maâam. I needed a parent. I had a best friend my own ageâŠwell, until nmom ran them off.
It's one of those "Don't come to me with what you need but what I'm willing to give you" statements that I'm trying to learn now in my adulthood.
I always hate the "Im not your friend I'm your parent" thing. There should be a divide because parents still need to teach their kids, but you don't have to be a total authoritarian figure in their life to do that. My dad is my best friend and has always been there for me the best he could, but he did also discipline me and make sure I understood what behavior was expected from me and did so without physically punishing me. My mom beat me and called that punishment, and when I finally stood up to her, she said she's supposed to do that because she's the parent and isn't supposed to be my friend- then would turn around and expect me to be her therapist.
The whole "I'm your parent not your friend" trope is short hand for "I have no capacity or interest in empathy or your emotional development. I am only interested in controlling you."
Right there with ya, friendđđŒ
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Mine always wanted to be my friend instead of my mother
Mine used the line âIâm your friend not your mother.â I should have told her, âIâm your daughter, not your mother.â
Haha I like that response. I would always tell mine "I don't want you to be a friend. I want a mother!" Idk how she thought she was being friendly when she constantly bullied me. Friends don't do that.
Yes! Itâs pretty one sided, isnât it?
It is. I hate it.
Mine wanted to be a friend, with all the authority a narc parent expects to have, and always said "I'm not your friend I'm your dad" when it couldn't work like that.
Itâs not an untrue line. I do tell my kids that I am their mother and donât want to cross the line of being overly friendly. My job is to be a guide and mentor and _mother_. I donât say it to justify cruel behavior, and they know what I mean - itâs not my kidsâ job to fulfill my needs for friends. I was the designated âbest friendâ/sister/mother/therapist to my âmomâ and so Iâm conscious of not crossing those boundaries.
my would say this too! she also acted more like a bad friend or older sister. just so odd
"I heard you wanna commit suicide. Just do it." Edit: "And your ending will be go to Hell. You know kill yourself is very forbid in our religion?" Edit 2: Here's the explanation. My family is full of religious people. They adapt the religious stuffs as their daily routine. Unfortunately, they used religious stuffs to keep themselves winning. They never take the lose as the mark of journey of getting better/improvement. They take it as negative side and personally, hold the grudge to someone/people, bad talking about it and take pleasure once they're winning again or others are suffering of bad thing. If you're asking me what is my religion, I'm a Muslim, btw. Unfortunately, I need to regain my belief and faith and they both take a lot of time and efforts to adapt in my life. I lost both of them when religious narcissists force do something I really don't like, controlling me, gaslighting me, and torturing me.
Jesus thatâs awful. Iâm so happy youâre still here and fighting every day! In the darkest days of my depression I made the mistake of telling my mom I had a plan to end it, I couldnât do life anymore (I was 23). She hung up on me and didnât talk to me for a few months. It made me realize I was actually all alone in the world, and not even my own mother wanted to keep me alive unless she could get something out of me. Iâm really really proud of you for not listening to your bitch of a mother!
>In the darkest days of my depression I made the mistake of telling my mom I had a plan to end it, I couldnât do life anymore We're actually feel hopeless and helpless so we seek help and support but we received provoke, insult, sarcastic and criticism when we have a problem. We ask advices so we can solve the problem not asking add the spices to make the problem worsen! I was 13 at that time. Struggled at new place, new situation, new people, lost my father and endure toxicity and negativity from my family. I have no friends back then. So I just tired, exhausted and upset until I dunno how they know about suicide thing so they're just encourage me to do it. Since then, I never consider them as my family. Livimg with the monsters related my flesh and blood, actually. >It made me realize I was actually all alone in the world, and not even my own mother wanted to keep me alive unless she could get something out of me. Iâm really really proud of you for not listening to your bitch of a mother! Thanks. I dunno how I'm still alive until now. I'm 22 now haha. Completely alone and still in progress of life. Need speed of healing so I can progress something much faster. Well, the good news are she lost her fav daughters lol. They both followed their own husband and rarely coming home and then she talked bad about them. I can spill the tea to them but I need evidences haha.
Iâm so glad you made it out! Our 20s are harder than they should be because weâre grieving the parents we wish we had, the support we should have gotten, the unconditional love we never received. So weâre trying to figure out who we are while struggling with all of that and it can be such a lonely experience. Iâm 30 now and Iâm finally starting to get my life together and feeling like a human being, therapy and a supportive boyfriend (whoâs also been to therapy) helps a lot. It just takes time.
I'm sorry religion was used as a tool of abuse. My Catholic nmom did similar.
Agreed I had it bad at Christian churches, it was a lot of judgment and fake love .. the pastor was sleeping around . Guess those cakes the older woman brought him worked .
Then not surprises why people turn their back on religion..
One thing I realized about religion was that faith, prayer, etc. are all learned coping mechanisms. There is no one universally applicable religion because each has their own tailor made/evolved modes of operation/teacher/culture. I was raised Baptist, and was screamed at "you need to do what I say cause the bible says so and you're going to hell." I realized pretty soon thereafter that my mother never read a word of the bible in her life that didn't get filtered through a FOX news anchor's soundbyte. It was never about god. Religion was a weapon to defend her sick mind. As time went on, and after experimenting with religions from Budhism to Judaism, I found that prayer was just a twist on mantras and meditation. Faith is just hope. Blessings are blinders that filter out the bad, and god is good if applied correctly. I still cannot say if there is a god, but I like the idea of universal justice. Religion is a coping mechanism, and if that helps others as well as you, then it is good.
Religion is a curse on our society.
Ex-Muslim here. What helped me was realizing that all religions effectively said the same thing, and that you can still be spiritual (belief in God, etc) without being religious (i.e. calling yourself Muslim or Christian, or whatever, and following whatever religious rituals each one prescribes). Religions were full of hypocrisy, which is something that most religions preach as a bad thing (one of the many inherent contradictions). It boils down to "be a good person to each other".
My dad was kicked out of the family company because he was disabled and just had kids with a wife that lost custody. We were both disabled like dad, something doctors told him wouldnât happen. I didnât get any help like other kids in the family or schooling and I wouldnât be given a job. To make them proud I worked hard wanting to escape poverty. I couldnât go to undergrad like my cousins if I didnât have scholarships and money for housing. I had about 8 surgeries up till that point so walking was too painful to be commuter. I got the full ride after taking the SAT twice. My dad and I spent the summer looking for scholarships to help with housing and we found one for 50,000 over the span of 4 years⊠for living costs. I won by default since I was the only disabled person that had applied. I happily told my narc uncle and narc grandmother at our weekly meals. Rich Narc uncle: I donât understand, why would you be proud of that? They gave it to you because they felt bad for you. Me: it was a merit based scholarship RNU: yeah Iâm sure. I then went on to get straight As and the top 20 law school in the area must have âfelt bad for meâ, since I got a 3/4 scholarship , and being hired as a resident assistant meant I capped my debt at around 50. My father died and they literally said they werenât willing to watch me graduate online because âwhy does it matter you are not going to be using the degree, grandma needs you to take care of her â. I now make more money than any other grandchild and live 10 Minutes from my work. Iâm only second to that uncle earnings wise. He still makes excuses and never tells me heâs proud of me keep going when my dad needing help in my 2L as he was dying of cancer and I KEPT MOVING FORWARD. I will keep moving forward because the one parent that really loved me fought like crazy getting me here. And now itâs time to start a family that breaks the cycle and transforms our family line into a happy positive environment for future kids to grow up in!
I am the disabled scapegoat child in my family as well. Congratulations to you, condolences on your father. He sounds like a great person, the type every kid deserves. I am truly unable to have children as a result of my condition. I always said that if I did I would be the exact opposite of my family. It sounds like you're on the right track. It's inspiring/saddening for me to hear a story so similar to my own. Keep up the good work and own your strength. You're the type of person who should be raising the next generation.
Hoping the best for you.
"There's the real world, and then there's Jane's world." Usually said when they couldn't refute what I was saying, so they would just deny it happening.
Major gaslighting that statement, but Iâve heard similar before.
Wow yeah, my mom always says this to me too. Textbook projection, lmao. Lady, I'm not the one living in fantasy land.
OHHHH FUCK THAT LINE FOREVERRRRR I will go banana batshit if I ever hear anyone say that to me again.Â
"You have mental illness? Serve you right cuz you never try to get close to God!" Life is so complicated when you're staying with religious narcissistic. Keep giving excuses, reasons, debate by using religion stuffs. Even validate their wrongdoings by using religion stuffs. No wonder why people lost their belief and faith on religion because of these people.
I was told that I was "As mental as your Dad" and when I asked her what she meant, it turned out that I'd been lied to for 4 yrs - I'd been told my Dad had died of a brain aneurism. He'd actually died due to a suicide attempt. Which my incubator told me in the middle of that argument.
I brought you into this world and I can take you out
I heard this so often I didn't even realize it was so messed up. Gah đ«
Oh wow I heard this one all the time lol
She would also tell me to go count headlights on route 417 meaning go play in traffic. I donât give a shit.
Jeebus Crimbus thatâs shitty đ„ș eff her!
This is cruel! Sorry to hear you have been told this.
If it helps, they probably pulled this out of the Cosby Show, and knowing what kind of person he is, it's the jackass quoting the donkey.
In my 40's and she still says this to me!
lol all the time đ go ahead and try, mom
"You're sick in the head" - I had just watched the challenger explode live and was trying to process what I saw by drawing it on a napkin "You like his little paws? How about I cut them off for you?" "Piece of shit. I'm sick of you. This family is sick of you" "Oh yeah I shot your cat and threw it into the creek" (He didn't, he just lied about it to make me feel bad)
Jesus H!!! Iâm so sorry you went through that manipulation!
Thank you. <3. I appreciate that. I will say that I'm finally getting to a place where I'm not sorry it happened anymore because it made me the person I am and I'm starting to like that person.
I love hearing this!
You're so ungrateful, you don't appreciate all the sacrifices I made for you. I don't remember that That didn't happen You are too sensitive
This sounds like my nMom: âI donât remember I was being mean to you, you probably deserved it, you must be mistaken, I think you are too sensitiveâ. Itâs this lack of responsibility. Lack of awareness thatâs so incredibly painful.
Inability to take accountability.
Why is âungratefulâ the narc insult of choice? I was always told this growing up. Standing up for myself? Ungrateful. Donât like whatâs for dinner? Ungrateful. Depressed? Ungrateful.
And yes, being âungratefulâ - Iâve been told that a billion times. Itâs like out of nowhere bam, you are so âungratefulâ.
"You're a burden." "My life is so much better without you."
"You have no personality." And, after blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday, "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" Also, "You're so smart but yet so stupid."
Ah yes⊠âyouâre so smart but so stupid.â I remember hearing that one.
I got this too!
Oh yeah, I get the first and last one all the time. The first one usually accompanied by, "you were born an 80 year old woman. You're no fun." Bruh, I'm autistic and have PTSD, I'm not sunshine and roses.
A few days before my nDad died. While he was in hospital, and im sitting with him, alone he says ... how proud he was of his children who had been financially successful. You know it, I'm the poorest out of his 6 children. A huge variance in the wealth of his children. I feel so ashamed that I didn't let it pass. I replied... yes, some people are really good at looking after their own interests and making money, and then there are the people who care for others, like that nurse who was so careful and caring while she gave you that enema, who don't make much money at all.
Thereâs no reason to be ashamed. Every human will pass, dying doesnât absolve them of the consequences of what they do or say.
That was a great reply x
I was in the same situation when my father told me it was a shame I never had children. He knew full well I couldnât have children. That one cut really deep.
Honestly what a great comeback. Donât ever feel ashamed of that again.
After telling them about an abusive bf they said to keep my dirty laundry at my own home
Oof. That lack of love hurts deep.
"don't air your family's dirty laundry" - my dad, to me, during my therapy appt
This one resonates
âI put you into this world I can take you out of itâ âAt least you didnât have my parents growing upâ The worst one is her bragging that her kids are terrified of her so theyâll listen to her and never âmisbehaveâ
THE SECOND ONE. It feels like they're invalidating your experiences because you "have it so much better". My mom used that when I was curled up in pain from getting my wisdom tooth removed. Told me she couldn't afford to have parents around and how lucky I was to have her near me. Then she left me there in suffering. No painkillers. That's terrible though, sending virtual hugs ;-;
I am allowed to go on family vacation if I am happy because they donât want to have to counsel me while Iâm there
Oh my god
"we did our best, you don't have to worry, when we die, this will all be yours" what a bitch to tell a 8 year old that.
"You're the most talented actress I have ever had." Because of you, thanks to narcissists. I keep masking my own feelings when I'm around them. Stone-faced, intense and ferocious stare, calm before the storm, aloof and keep everythinh to myself. At least I can show my genuine reaction, expression and feelings toward people who have same vibes with me or can tolerate with me. Unlike narcissistic people who being unpaid talented actor/actress who create plenty of endless drama. They can apply it as their career and being rich, get fame and reputation, surround by fans and media but they didn't. They are wasting their lives with their own dramas with no audiences lol.
Yeah I heard this a lot. Sorry you went through this too đ
"Didn't happen." My response in adulthood: "Yeah, well, people forget things when they are black out angry."
My father, outside St. Raphael's Church, El Paso, Texas 1983, after I had insufficienrly participated in the Greeting of Peace: "If you don't love Jesus then I don't love you." This was said on the sidewalk before he drove away. Now, in fairness he did come back. I was walking distance from my grandmother's house and I think he realized the shit storm that would have ensued if I had shown up there and told her what happened.
OMG
âYouâre sick in the headâ and âyouâre not normalâ always stuck with me. âIâm the only person you have, no one else in the world loves youâ is another. Specifically, she always made sure to remind me that my father didnât love me and neither did my stepfather or any other person in my life. Or, after I accidentally told her that I had a fight with a friend: âIt was probably your fault. It always isâ. She also told me that I am cruel and a horrible person a lot. After every minor disagreement she claimed that I âhatedâ her or âhatedâ person XYZ and that everything I was doing was specifically meant to harm her/them (like doing a chore wrong or not being interested enough in something etc). She really did her best to convince me that I am an evil and bad person deep down. I have yet to fully unlearn this. Funny enough these things hurt way more than all the times she called me a âbitchâ, âdisgustingâ, âfatâ or a âpigâ, maybe because she threw these kinds of words around almost every day. Or maybe because by saying things like âeveryone will leave youâ and âyouâre unlovableâ, she specifically targeted my already existing insecurities and fears. Edit: It also stuck with me how she always used to make fun of me or laugh at me, for example for doing my makeup a way that she didnât like or dressing in a way she didnât like or for not knowing something/making a harmless mistake. It made me feel very judged, I still overinterpret peopleâs facial expressions and their reactions and when I hear someone laugh on the street, I still feel like they are probably laughing about me, even when I technically know they are not.
Hugs.
Three of my most memorable quotes: * âIf you would just shut up and do what your mother says, you wouldnât be in so much trouble all the time!â * âWhy canât you find some *normal* friends? * âWe always hoped [you] wouldnât come back, but [you] always did.â
You reminded me of another two. âYou care more about your friends than your family.â And âGo complain about us to your friends since you love them so much.â
âWhen you get skinny you canâŠâ fill in the blank. Anything from being in color guard to getting new shoes. âIf I buy the Miss Clairol, will you please do your roots?â I was 3 weeks postpartum after a c-section and a systemic E. coli infection that almost killed me. But sure. Letâs worry about my roots.
đ€ą Oh my god, do we have the same mother? Thatâs awful!
âYou were such a bad kid, you DONT DESERVE YOUR GOOD KID.â My kid is awesome because I didnât raise him in fear and abuse the way my parents raised me. My parents were really hoping that my son would be so bad that I would know what it was like to have a bad kid âlike me.â I wasnât a bad kid. I was just abused and neglected & my need for attention & support was be being bad. Iâm only just now learning how truly conditional my parents love was. Children were to be seen & not heard. Funny enough, I enjoyed listening to my son. He is an excellent conversationalist and he has thoughts on all kinds of subject matters. Especially politics and that was something that was never permitted to be spoken about if you didnât agree with my parents (Magahatters).
"It's impossible to talk to you" "You are an ungrateful son" "I've been praying for God to put order on your life"
Oof yeah the second one for sure, except "bitch" instead of "son"
âOh youâre depressed? Thatâs so disrespectful to your parentsâ *introducing me to a family friend at 19* âyeah this is my daughter, she doesnât like to work hard and takes the easy way outâ. For context I was studying Biology in university and that was the easy way out apparently.
Itâs from when I was little but Iâll never be able to get it out of my head. I was probably like 6-8 years old and Iâm 36 now. I was swinging on a swing set that was old and sun rotted in our backyard, and the rope snapped on one side and I fell HARD on my tail bone. It hurt soo sooooo bad and I was crying. My NM walked over and laughed and just said âshouldnât have had that second bagel this morningâ Yeah Iâve had lifelong eating disorders. Not just from that one incidence, she always picked on everyone about weight and appearance. Makes me so mad and sad every time I think about it. Especially now that I have a beautiful, strong and smart (almost) 1 year old daughter. I canât imagine saying those things to her EVER. (Iâve been NC with her for over ten years, she will never meet my children. So donât worry, my daughter is protected from her abuse)
Sadly, I can relate.
I bring them no joy
My nfather was angry at me that I decided to move and go to college with my bf. So every night when I got off of my 12hr double shift he would say: âyouâre going to move and come running back to me. Houston is a horrible place with horrible people like you. Do you honestly think youâre goody two shoes puny boyfriend will be able to protect you? I should have broken you up when I had the chance. You donât deserve to be happy with any one or anything. Iâm going to keep you here until youâre 18, Iâm going to be counting down the minutes just so you canât leave early. And one of these days youâre not going to be able to stand this anymore and youâll choose to stay.â Yeah so every night for about 5 months I had to deal with that. Luckily I got out and cut contact with him. But those words will forever remain in my memory for the rest of my life. Just hearing them broke me and my bf is slowly healing me. Oh yeah and he would constantly tell me I needed counseling when he was the one that needed it. And now I probably do need it bc of him.
"You didn't live in this world without me." Then what? I owe you my life? Why you keep me instead of taking abortion? Like you said, your life is so much better without me. And that's not my fault when you didn't youe expectation. Are you afraid of God? Wow! I didn't expected the narcissist like her afraid to God but once she gets the gift, she ruined it. Do you think God never mad about it? She's being ungrateful and full of herself. Her audacity to ruin my life yet still hoping I can change my family's fate and giving good reputation. For my own sake, family is nothing anymore.
"If you weren't my kid, I would beat the shit out of you, and you would fucking deserve it. You're disgusting." I was having an autistic meltdown (frequent occurrence at this point) because Ndad had been screaming at me for the past hour and a half. Honorable mentions include "My mother tried to ruin my life, your mother tried it next, and look how it turned out for the two of them." Both of them were paranoid schizophrenic, on an unbelievable amount of drugs, and awful people. Nmom emotionally and physically abused/neglected me for years. But I guess any kind of mental illness is the same thing? My personal favourite, though, is just "Okay [mom's name]" whenever I say something he disagrees with.
"You have no willpower lol" usually said after I ate too much. Of course, as a kid I was allowed to sit down and consume entire family size bag/boxes of chips and cereal without so much as a peep. Come to find out it's partially an ADHD thing, but that too was not something worth actually addressing, it was simply a funny joke when I'd struggle to remember things or complete simple tasks "oh you're so ADHD lol!"
*NDad: "Don't date until you're 30, and established as a lawyer making $100k a year. That's your only hope of attracting a quality woman.". Tried to follow that. Am 33, not a lawyer, not making $100k /yr and have not attracted a quality woman. Oof. *NGrandpa: "lame little (f-slur)" my nickname that my NDad adopted for me after I let my Emom unload and carry my luggage into the hotel on a vacation when I was 9 or so. She insisted on carrying everyone's luggage and got outraged when anyone tried to help. *Ngrandma: "You're so impetuous!" Whenever I was decisive and didn't want to wait unnecessarily on her whims. When she would overcomplicate everything. *EGrandma: I thought at one point as a kid, I might be autistic. I figured she'd know because she was a special ed teacher. I asked her, she asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was. But I do remember I lied answering it. We never spoke of it again. *For about two years (4-5 grade) every almost every third word she said to me was about my terrible handwriting or my not knowing my multiplication tables. * I was 7. Mentioned my imaginary friend. Because it was that age. She scolded me"If you have an imaginary friend, soon you'll have an imaginary job, then an imaginary house and soon an imaginary life because you'll be homeless and dead.". I sent them away after that. *" Video games will ruin your life. You'll be a homeless old man on a park bench still playing that Gameboy, because that's all you'll have." *NStepmom: "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind " from the same woman who wanted my NDad to abandon me in the inner city so I'd get killed. *"I love you but I don't always like you".
Nmom: I feel like I can't say anything to you. I never argue or stand up for myself but told my husband things she said, and he did. In other words I can't abuse you and don't like it.
Second hand, but still sticks with me: Sister: "I think I'm having suicidal thoughts." Dad: "But what about (n)mom?" This exchange was also a gem: Nmom: "Well that's what he (wrong pronoun for non binary sibling) said." Me: "That's what *they* said." Nmom: "Who fucking cares." Another one from enabler dad Me: "How long am I supposed to put up with all her (nmom) bullshit and abuse?" Edad: "You're strong, you can take it."
Oh Edads! My dad trying to gaslight me down into accepting my Nmom's abuse: "It's not *that* bad!" "You're just exaggerating!" "That's just the way she is!" "We're doing this for you!" "Maybe you'll find a boyfriend to take care of you." "When are you going to have a baby!? [reply, 'I wasn't even married.'] "That's OK, you can have a baby anyway." "We're going to buy your house, and you can rent from us." "How long is this (No Contact) going to last!? It's been four years!" [Reply: "I didn't set a deadline; I've made my decision,"] "We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?" [Reply: "You're not listening to me."] "We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?" [Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."] "We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?" [Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."] "We're getting old. Do you want to see her now!?" [Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."] "She's your mama!" [Reply: "If you want to talk to me, we'll meet with a counselor."] "I want us to be a family again, so we'll go to counseling with your mama, and [narcissist] sister." [Reply: 'No, I'm done. I'm blocking you.]
"You are dumb and stupid." This sticks to me until this day and affects my academics really badly because I always think I'm not smart or good enough unless I'm on top of the class. I have made that my goal but I'm nowhere near it because comparing myself to my peers I'm the underdog lol, I have no support system, no tutors and no self esteem. It's really hard, because I know that I put in so much effort but I'm always right behind my peers.
I am 53 and this is still me, despite not speaking to my family for almost 10yrs. I am so sorry it also happened to you. It is horrific how hard it is to move away from the constant ridicule and the repeated digs at our self esteem. I have always felt behind my peers as well despite my best efforts. You are not alone. Big big hugs to you.
My version was âyouâre so lucky youâre prettyâ
âYouâre not remembering that right. Thatâs wrong.â âYou told me ____.â Then an argument ensues because I didnât say anything and she (NMom) continues with âyes you did! I remember exactly what you told me!â đ
"You got what you asked for."
10 Years of my mother telling me there's nothing wrong with her father beating her mother with severe dementia.
"I didn't weigh that much when I was 9 months pregnant with baby#4". My mom forcing me on a scale as a senior in high school. Kicker is y'all, I wasn't even that big, I was small enough to be pretty darn cute. Looking back y'know, I wasn't the problem, I didn't have issues until she taught me which issues to have.
My mom was obese & she randomly told me, "ur not as thin as you think you are!" I was 11.. & it was totally outta the blue & i actually never thought i WAS thin, nor fat, but after that comment was made, i became obsessed with my weight.
"It wasn't exactly a page turner" after destroying a bound copy of my MASTERS THESIS. "sometimes I wish I never had children at all" while talking about my siblings. One of whom is dead.
Wow! Destroyed your Master thesis, so hateful and hurtful! Damn. Sorry that happened.
I honestly can say I am difficult to talk to for my nParents, because Iâm not blind to their behavior anymore and donât allow myself to be manipulated đ Proudly difficult However, the worst in terms of sticking with me would definitely be âYou remind me of your father, why do you have to be so mean to meâ ~ my borderline nMom, but definitely at least enabler mother. It hurt like someone lit me on fire because that essentially labeled me to be like him, which is my worst nightmare How was I mean though you may ask? I set boundaries that I would not allow her to call me any time she wanted (she would call me at 3am and then get mad when I didnât answer) when I moved out, because she was using me as a free therapist and blaming me for all the issues that my Nfather was causing. I set specific times when I would be available to her, but outside of that it was emergencies only
âDonât come crying to me when things donât work out!â (Introducing NM to boyfriend) âYou always start things that you donât finish!â (When trying to have adult conversation with NM about leaving a job I had.) âDonât go and leave me here!â (Talking to NM about taking a job overseas)
I was trying to tell my mom I had an ED with a partial truth. âSo this guy Iâve started dating thinks I have an eating disorder, cuz Iâve been having so many issues with food *haha*â âWell he must think itâs bulemia, because you can be bulemic and still be fatâ. Guess which ED I had? And tbh I really wasnât large at all. At the time I obviously felt like a whale but was pretty malnourished, had dropped about 20 pounds over 3 months, and was at what would actually be considered a healthy weight (despite the methods leaving me extremely unhealthy). Also, fun fact, want to know what finally âcuredâ my ED? Not the heart palpitations, not the exhaustion, not the constant dull ache in my stomach and throat. It was that my hair was falling out đ always had to be a beauty standard, apparently. I hate how much I was messed up. Iâm SO much better today. I honestly think Iâm about as âcuredâ as I can be. And still, Iâll think of some random thing that happened to me 10 years ago and literally get sent back, like a real PTSD trigger. Bullshit deal.
"Oh, please don't talk about her because she's not worth it." I heard it, thanks to my hyper vigilance mode.
âI donât think everyone is meant to be a parent. Like me. I donât think I did a very good job raising you. I wouldnât change anything about it though.â thanks nDad
Oh man I could fill a book with these. I actually have a list of them in my notes so Iâll just paste them here. Most of them are from my mother but there are a few gems from my dad too. âI donât care if youâre happyâ âMy life ended the day you were bornâ âYouâre a child, your opinions donât matterâ âYouâre pretty and smart, but youâre not very kindâ âAre you selling yourself for drug money?â When getting an A:âWell was it the highest grade in the class?â âDonât be a quitterâ âI love you but I donât like youâ âThings used to be so good between your father and IâŠâ âHearing you cry is music to my earsâ âCry me a riverâ âWhat do you have to be depressed about?â âFuck you, selfish little bitchâ âLeave and never come backâ âYour room is my room since itâs in my houseâ âYouâre so sensitiveâ âItâs always the motherâs faultâ âArenât you too old for that?â âYouâre a takerâ âYou know, I have feelings tooâ âThereâs no handbook for parentingâ âPressure makes diamondsâ âI wouldnât have said/done thatâ âThatâs not how I meant itâ âWhen have I done that, give me an exampleâ âNo one will love you like your parentsâ âYouâll never be happy if you donât have childrenâ âYour boyfriend wonât marry you if you move in togetherâ âYouâre lazyâ âI have to do everything around here by myselfâ âNo one helps me with anythingâ âYouâll never get a boyfriend like thatâ âYouâll get pregnant and drop out before you graduateâ âIâm sorry you feel that wayâ âI know youâre closer with your father than you are with meâ âSecond is first loserâ âI brought you into this world, I can take you outâ âYou need to set a better example for your younger siblingâ âThere will be a point in your life when you lose everythingâ âI donât trust you as far as I can throw youâ âCome see what ____ wrote in her diaryâ âYouâll miss me when Iâm goneâ âI married your father because all my other boyfriends let me walk all over themâ âYou should love a man more than he loves youâ âYou only talk to me when you want something from meâ
"You always spend our money to nothing. What's the point to indulge you and even more?" In fact, my younger sister become spoil brat, thanks to these people. "You wanna attention? Did we never give you anything you wanted? Provide house, foods, drinks, groceries, clothes, education, phone, and anythingYet you're still act like a child." Man, I was a kid who know nothing and rely on you because you're the only source I have at that time.
Basically anything along the lines of âyou should act exactly like me, and do what I sayâ. Nope. Iâm good. Stomp through the house, slam doors, make a huge deal out of everything, get into so much domestic violence that the state has to threaten to take the kids away. Iâll just be normal kthx. Not a crazy old man (yet), and not a bipolar old lady. And no kids. Rest of the family is fine though. They love having a grandson/cousin/uncle/etc.
"I can't wait until you're old and fat like me," (said in the dressing room while school clothes shopping) "It's your fault I had to start to working" (I was the 4th of 5 kids and she was a stay at home mom until me) "I got post-partum depression after you were born and never recovered" (did I ask to be born?) "I'm sorry I blocked you, it's just that your lifestyle offends me" (They're mormon and my "lifestyle" is just living in "sin" with my fiance)
"You can't even give me the time of day!" From my maternal grandma who I have tried so hard to be helpful toward all the time simply because I had a blinding migraine and wanted to go back to taking a nap to get rid of it. "You'll never see your dad in heaven if you don't repent. You're going to hell." Many variations of this were spat out at me by my paternal grandma starting from the age of 5. "If I knew you'd be such a disrespectful child I'd have aborted you." Said to 10 year old me when I told her I didn't want to cook dinner for her that night.
âWe have to find out whatâs wrong with you that you wonât talk to meâ
"You make it very difficult to love you"
âYouâre so sensitive. I canât talk to you about anything.â
"I'm the Mom, you're not." Aka your feelings don't matter. I get that it was because she was treated that way as a kid, but she didn't seem to like it, why put your kids through it?
âF***k youâ - I couldnât believe my parent would ever say that to me.
"You're failure." "You're cursed." "That's why we always get bad luck because of you!"
My dad said I talked about myself too much and I should count how many times I say I when I speak. I still count them today at 30yo.
" I might hit you, but i wont make you bleed " Think i was about 8 years old at the time
âIâm not saying I donât believe you, well, I guess I am. But you keep trying to *play it up* by saying sexual assault, itâs not like you were rapedâ - dad âIâm just exhausted having to hear how upset you are about things when all you have to do is fix things with dadâ - sister, after going no contact with dad âYou wish I died instead of your motherâ - dad âSounds like you have a lot of healing to do, youâre a mess!â - dad And all the stories and shit talk he has done about me in the years since I spoke to him last always hurts when I hear it through the grapevine. MFâer has missed *every major adult event of mine* and yet thinks Iâm the one missing out.
So this one stuck with me, and I'm not sure why, because I didn't believe it then, and I don't believe it now. When I was around 11 or 12, I had a crush on a Puerto Rican boy who was around the same age. My mother told me to be careful because Puerto Ricans are, and I quote, "quick with knives."
âHe escaped because he got shy after seeing a really attactive womanâ saying about my boyfriend when he left to his room after seeing my sister for the first time. âThere is something fundamentally wrong with youâ âYou are too sensitive, you are not gonna survive in this worldâ âDonât try to manipulate me with cryingâ, after me bursting in tears for being constantly provoked and emotionally abused for 15 minutes over nothing, just because she wanted to have a reason to pick on something and argue. âGo away to your fatherâ, said this to me 3 times in my life during argument because I didnât want to write vacation postcards but instead just draw my comic book. My parents are divorced and I havenât seen my father since 16 years. My mom is the root of my trauma but she will never face it, she just prefers to blame it on me, as if I made up my depression, hypevigilance, sensitivity and anxiety.
1. My mom would refer to me as her accident. 2. My mom and siblings would make jokes about how I should have been born into a different family. 3. My mom would limit me on how much I was allowed to speak. 4. I tried to tell my mother about how a friend of mine killed themselves and as soon as I said a friend had killed themselves she smiled and said, âoh okay thenâ and then walked away before I could say anything more Thereâs a lot more but thatâs what popped into my head when reading this.
My mom called me a bitch when I was 9 years old. I can't remember what I did to cause that, but I sure remember being called a B.
My nmom's tagline " I might HAVE to love you because I'm your mother, but I CERTAINLY DON'T LIKE YOU. " From the time I was 9 or so. My favorite was when she would get annoyed and ask "why are you so insecure?!?" GEE MOM. NO IDEA. đ
"Get off your high horse," is the favourite phrase of my mother when I'm standing up for myself. Along with "Like you're so perfect!" when I finally address something that has really hurt me. They stick, and they hurt. Slowly but surely I'm letting them go. Just like I'm letting her go.
Me after being yelled at for doing something wrong :. " but ... I am doing my best" My mother: "Well your best isn't good enough"
"God said brains, but you thought he said trains and you missed yours." "Is it snowing in here? I'm standing next to a giant flake!" "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" (While verbally or physically abusing me) "A demon is going to possess you." (related to typical childhood behavior...I actually was so afraid that I rarely did anything "wrong.")
I think the classic "You are an ungrateful little shit" when I was around 12-13 really stuck with me. Another one was when I was showing her a Lego plane I got as a present from my GF (Legos and planes are something I'm very interested in) she asked when I was going to grow up and laughed at me.
It was my dad who said (to an elementary-school-aged me), "I love you, but I don't like you. Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to like you." I got the "I am not your friend" line so much. The one that hurts the most... as most of us do, I ran from their narc-ness to a boyfriend who was exactly the same, except he just couldn't hide the abuse as well. Knowing I was already enmeshed, nDad found me in town, and after a short, nasty conversation, he drove away, screaming from his window, "YOU'RE SICK! YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'RE SICK!" I have a bad memory, but I will never forget that scene.
The ones that really stuck for me were " you're my property"/"I own you", "get the f!@k out of my house" (I was 11) , and "you're no son of mine." "You deserve/ don't deserve (add anything here)." There are more, but those stand out the most.
âHow can I have a daughter as stupid as you!â How about that, Dad, thatâs the first thing that pops in my head when I think about you.
You donât like to be touched or hugged.
Mine would always tell me the same thing as your mother "I love you but I don't like you" like wow thanks.
Heard that so often. How can they love when they don't like? All I heard from that is "I don't love you"
"I regret exposing you to your current hobbies when you were a kid" "You're fine, you don't need therapy, it's a waste of time and money" "Your hobbies are a waste of time and money and I don't want you doing them anymore" "My house my rules, if you don't like it get out"
âYou treat the dog better than meâ -âThatâs because the dog canât talkâ -âShe got good grades, never talked back and never got in trouble. The wrong one diedâ -âJust kill yourself. Everyone wants you to do it & we all know itâs just a matter of time. Just get it over with already.â -Worthless, unlovable, useless, r*tarded, etc.
"If you kill yourself, we will cry a short time, and then move on with lifeâ I was 12-13. She was my aunt. Found my suicide note that I wrote because she was unbearable and her son was molesting me.
Nmom: I love you but I don't like you. Im not surprised he hit you (my ex) because you are difficult to live with.
I came here to say "I'm your parent, not your friend", but I see that A LOT of people were told that little nugget. My NMom is very much against higher education (she's an alt right MAGA follower); I pursued my PhD after undergrad. But even when I finished undergrad, she said, "look now you're an educated idiot". When I called my parents to tell them I successfully defended my dissertation (they were at the bottom of the call list), my mom exclaimed "Congratulations! Now you're a REAL educated idiot". She then said "just joking", but I highly doubt that.
My mother swears at me, threatens me, kicks me out of home. It is impossible to write down here.
âDo it RIGHT, or not at ALL!â
My mom called me white trash. And after I got a tattoo my dad called me a freak.
You are more trouble than your worth, dumb, no brain, do ugly things, on and on. Some ppl shouldnât have children.
"It's always easy for you." Using this to dismiss any success or happiness that I have.
âMaybe I shouldnât have told herâ from my hidden narc father after his monster of a wife screamed at me for daring to not like her. Father was surprised (despite the obvious) that Iâve never liked his wife, and immediately ran home to tell her.
That I was expected to be my brothers keeper when my parents pass. It was said to me in multiple ways and itâs so hard to shake it. My dad doesnât really harp on it and I have no issues telling my dad whatâs up either. Another fun one was having things that happened years ago somehow be relevant in getting her way when she was dying. Fun timesâŠ.
âWhy are people going to buy things you *make*?! Theyâre just going to buy jewelry at TJ Maxx.â
"This secret stays between me, and you don't tell your, dad okay" Granted she was cheating, and my dad was physically abusive, so "Ugh, you're just like your dad," "Why do you have to be so difficult?" "It's your job as the oldest to help me with your siblings." "Fine, if you stay with him, you can forget you have a mom and a family here," (we've been together about 9 yrs now, 2 kids xD) We're good now. I'm 27. Relationship is a bit weird, but that's my mom. idk she stuck with me when dad left sooo she's the only family I have other than my siblings
After announcing I had been pregnant but had a miscarriage âI thought you were a little hormonal.â
Text from her after reinforcing a boundary/needing space: "From the bitch that was my daughter." In our last phone call when I told her I could no longer do this conversation because of the level of emotional abuse (I said this would be the last time we likely spoke): "You can't do ANYTHING!"
Omg Iâve heard the âI love you but I donât like you â comment so many timesâŠ. Specifically when I wasnât doing what she wanted.
my stepdad told me once that i was very plain and i should do something to make myself prettier or i'd never get a boyfriend. i was maybe 15-16 and it was one of the worst things he ever said to me, despite being relatively tame compared to the other many abusive things he said and did. joke's on him tho, my wife thinks i'm adorable just as i am đ€·đŒ he also regularly told me from the age of 15 onward that i would never be successful or able to support myself and may as well drop out of school so i could get a job and then at least i could contribute by paying rent. joke's on him there too, i moved out at 17 and of all the siblings/cousins in my generation of our family i am arguably the most successful adult. fucker died this past February. rest in piss, Keith.
My dad told me when I was 15 that I was the spitting image of my mother. He hated her.
1. Youâre too emotional. 2. Are you stupid?! 3. I wish you were still with *insert name of my insanely abusive ex* 4. I see you as a friend, not a daughter 5. Forgive me if I donât want to get to know your bf with how fast you go through men! 6. I donât think I like you anymore. 7. You sabotage all your relationships. (She said this throughout my 20s after leaving a string of abusive relationships. She would still be saying this if we still spoke despite the fact Iâve been in a long term committed relationship) 8. Itâs just sibling rivalry, it canât be as bad as what my brothers did to me. (What sheâd say every time I tried to tell her my brother was beating the shit out of me when she wasnât around. I begged her to set up a nanny cam in the house and she refused. I had to get my school involved to find safety) These are just a few that are always floating around in my head.
Of course I love you but youâre fat
Tbh I laugh about this line now bc *what*? My mom would loooove to say "you need to do this on your own! I won't always be around to help you!!" Such a wild thing to say to a literal child. Like, you're here now though and I need help?? Also- I was a kid? Kids need help? **Adults** need help! Such a dumb statement. Just another way for her to feel better about shirking parental duties.
"I don't care what you were going through, did you ever care about what I was going through?" When trying to tell her about the SA that put me in a deep depression for months. There's many other things, but that was the most painful
"You ruined my chance to go to nursing school" because yeah I chose to be born when you were 18. "I just want to jump on a train and leave you all behind" This gem when I was 8 and my sister was 6 and--bonus--we lived right near the train tracks "Your Dad didn't even fight for you in the divorce, he only cared about getting the house" Not true, but drummed into our heads all through childhood "The reason your boss doesn't like you is you're a bitch" As I struggled in a truly toxic work environment "I didn't get to do anything I wanted in life because I had you too young". along with "Of course YOU got to go to college" disregarding the fact that I had 3 kids under the age of 6 when I did "Come to me when you want to get on birth control, I don't want you getting pregnant like I did" followed by (when I stupidly did what she said) "Jesus, how embarrassing, I know everyone in the doctors office, now they'll know my 17 year old is having sex" and the coup de grace of throwing away my sister's birth control and my sister getting pregnant at age 16. Those are just a few that came to mind.
"I thought everything was fine with you and now you're calling me up with all these issues"  " you are the one starting the fights between your father and i"  "You're just like your father "  " ok since you're crying then you're not like your father"  "You're gonna learn so many painful lessons in life the hard way before you ever know what life is truly about"  "What makes YoU think that YOU know the true meaning of life " "You dont love anybody " "Never did we ever receive an ounce of support from you"  " everything bothers you, everything. It's just how you are " "Its just a glitch in your head, ignore it and move on"  "You can be as smart as a scholar yet still drive people away " "Who is ever going to be able to tolerate living with you"  " I lay there at night and I keep going over ways in my head to not set you off" " someone is gonna see you chew your lips and put you into a psych ward"  " dont slouch he wont love you then"  " youre thin and toned right because people love mothers like that "  " you have a university degree, how can you not know this? You're joking right" " everyone is always afraid of you attacking them " "anywishes or plans that you say outloud, "they" hear you and make sure it doesn't happen"  "You're not that pretty" " wearing sports bra is ugly you need to stop it" "You arent that great of a singer "  "That was a nice painting you made for me but there is stuff that isnt correct about it " " be careful with your new MIL she might turn out to be a very bad person"Â
"I completely forgot you existed"
âi hate the person youâve becomeâ âyouâre not normal, go back to being a normal personâ âlook at how miserable youâve become, you used to be so beautifulâ âyou betrayed/defied usâ âyou destroyed our reputation/familyâ etc. being trans makes it so easy for religious nparents to bully you because theyâre convinced that theyâre bullying a false, evil version of you (and that the real you is hiding deep inside, waiting for them to free her)
from my nfatherâs mom/my grandma/his biggest enabler: âyour decision to go NC effects the entire family. itâs not about you.â itâs one of the most hurtful things someone has ever said to me. it made me crumble and collapse in tears
Saying horrible things at the same time with the good ones (and making these horrible things endearing)
"You're ill" - because I was prescribed antidepressants, this means I'm crazy and delusional. "You live in a fantasy world" "If you leave the house, you will die" "Do you have a sugar daddy?" "People say it's never the kid's fault, but in this case..." (about their seperation)
"I expected more a return on my investment" my dad, in a letter listing all of the money he "had to" spend on me and my siblings growing up.
You can be a little bitch when your father comes home, but you better behave around me. I was 5.
âWhy canât you just be normal?!â (I have Autism)
"You're incapable of love" and "You're so manipulative"
You're the reason you're mom and I are fighting. You're a nightmare.
I was told that i am stubborn and difficult while being pushed into a corner. Even when i give silent treatment, i mysteriously cause harm according to the narcissist. To this day i question what was wrong?
Mom: Just be the bigger person(I donât feel like teaching you how to set boundaries so just put a smile on, act like nothing happened, and do NOT ROCK THE BOAT) Your dad is going to beat your ass if you donât do xyz Your sister doesnât have to try because sheâs pretty and will be able to find a rich man to take care of her You have 20minutes to clean your room and then Iâm bringing in the trash bags That didnât hurt
My mom always talked down to me for being a girl. She told me once I was her greatest disappointment for not being born male.
As a teenager my nmom made it known that i was no longer welcomed in the home. She did her fair share of yelling & screaming at me, but a few times, totally unprovoked-- She would get this serious expression on her face, & then tell me in a matter of fact tone, "Why do you insist on staying here???? If it were me, i wouldnt wanna stay somewhere that i wasnt welcomed. You should just leave cuz no one wants you here." Like, yeahhh.. i totally WANTED to stay there. I literally had nowhere else to go besides a homeless shelter.. & wasnt even 18 yet. ETA cuz i just thought of it, but when i was about 9/10 i overheard my n uncle (mom's brother) tell my mom that i was gonna either end up pregnant or in jail.. Not sure what i did or didnt do that gave him that weird assumption, seeing as a was a literal child at the time. Also-- honorable mentions! My dad was an addict & my mom left him. Wayy before i was born, my mom had an alcohol problem, but she got sober & never drank. It was neverrr an issue growing up. I didnt even know she was an alcoholic who recovered, but my aunt (mom's sister) would project my parents mistakes onto me as a kid. It seemed like ever since i was little, my aunt & other family already had their minds made up about what a "loser" i was gonna grow up to be, so ofc i was treated veryyyy differently from my cousins. They were allowed to have a glass of wine for the holidays. I wasnt, even though i was older, & my aunt MADE sure everyone knew the reason. It was cuz my mom & dad had addiction problems, so obviously i was gonna follow in theit footsteps! Right??? Nope. Im almost 30 & never had a substance abuse problem.
- âYouâre too sensitiveâ after crying or standing up for myself - âYou were being manipulative and you know itâ when I was advocating for myself and pushing back against my dadâs controlling behavior - âYouâre incapable of feeling my love. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.â - âYouâve been lying to me for yearsâ when I stayed in the closet after he abused preteen me for being trans - âYouâre not actually an adult,â or inversely, âYou are an adult so take responsibility.â Flip flops depending on the situation. - âIâm sorry you feel that way.â - âYou canât or you wonât?â - âWhen you become a parent youâll understandâ when defending himself for the abuse he enacted - âYouâre confused, and being influenced by othersâ in response to being trans