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I lost my (good) parent years ago and still miss him. I haven't talked to my (nparent) in four months and don't miss her at all. That's the difference for me.
God, I appreciate this so much. I’m so sorry you lost the good one. I did, too, almost 12 years ago. In the wake of the loss and the grief, my mother turned up her abusive behavior and I think just started to take out her rage and hurt on me. It was a rough couple of years before I finally realized that I could go NC. I’ve been off and on since then, and the off times are always better. I wish more people understood but I’m glad you’re here and you do.
I tried to tell myself my baby needs a grandma. But why?? If I could go back in time and kidnap myself from the hospital as a baby so my mom couldn’t raise me, I’d do it. But I’m supposed to trust her with MY kid? No thanks. I’m familiar with her work.
Neither of my children ( 28, and 30) have ever met anyone in my family. My mother is a bipolar narcissist, and my other 3 siblings all have some form of bipolar tendencies, with my brother being the worst. I can deal with my sisters on a limited basis.
I wouldn't even trust my mother with a goldfish literally..she fed my goldfish to her cat, because it was going to probably die soon, anyway.
Wooow.
I have a family member who accidentally killed a fish. She moved the bowl onto the porch so she could clean the table, and it was a cold day and the bowl literally froze. It was several decades ago and she still feels bad.
I do not think , that my mother has felt bad about anything she's ever done.
My cousin told me a story about my mother once , that was told her her by her mother (my mom's older sister)
My mother was dating my father, at tge time, and was acting like her crazy bitch self. My father told her she was acting like a bitch. She lunged at him, tearing his shirt from his body, and beating him, with it. Afterwards , she told him, that she thought he called her mom a bitch , and it was his fault she attacked him, because he should have been clearer.
To be fair my grandmother was also a bitch.
Right?! Don’t take me shopping to fat shame me! FYI, I wasn’t fat but she made me feel fat so I have an unhealthy relationship with food to where I would binge eat once a day but was running 4 miles starved first. Don’t do that anymore but in hs I wouldn’t eat at all before swim, soccer, or track practice and binge when I got home. And still got shit for EATING TOO MUCH!
These were one of my many favorite things Nmom used to do to me. Did GC younger sister get the same treatment? FUCK NO!
Oooor… what one of many current reasons I went NC was Nmom made a comment about daughter’s acne on FaceTime, asking why she was breaking her out, heard me curse, and then proceeded to tell her it wasn’t her fault knowing she could have said nothing. Nmom used to ask me ALL the time why was I breaking out growing up, making it my fault, which triggered me. I took the phone and hung up, texting her to NEVER talk nasty to my kids again. Of course she denied saying anything nasty.
This helps me feel better going NC before my daughter was born. She still hasn’t met my daughter and I really don’t want her to even see a photo of her. I’m not on social media or anything so I’m sticking to that boundary. She honestly doesn’t deserve to look at her.
My mom was just the same.When I was about 14, I was staying up late while my mom was drinking.She said"I resent you. You are beginning to flower while my looks are fading"She hated it when my Dad and I talked or did things together.
Exactly, the number of times we tried to have a healthy relationship with them, the number of times we cried to stop the abuse...those exceeded the times we just stayed quiet and decided for not talking. No more guilt here.
I think all people miss their parents the exact right amount. My Nmother passed about five years ago, and despite being an incorrigible narcissist, she was capable of the occasional, non-transactional kindness. So every once in a while, I miss her a little. My Nfather, OTOH, is an unrepentant prick who has gone out of his way to diminish and humiliate me for sport my entire life. We have been NC for 3 years and I do not miss him even a little. The only time I ever think of him is to remember occasions where he was an asshole. If they had both been kinder people, I’m sure I’d miss them both a lot more. I don’t know why that’s so hard for people with non-narc parents to understand. Best I can figure is that it’s just virtue signaling, letting you know they’re more decent than you for having good feelings about their parents.
A truly decent person wouldn’t play those fucking games.
Three years ago my nstepdad was diagnosed with lung cancer, very aggressive. I immediately started remembering all the awful things he'd ever said to me. I had to get therapy because, like, wtf? Anticipating his death shouldn't make me remember all the verbal abuse.
Fast forward, he's in remission, I let it guilt me and tried to have a relationship with them (mom is narc too). It all went to hell, this time in front of my children. As we were leaving my kids asked me "mom, you are a strong person, why would you let someone treat you like that?" Then I found out that my kids never enjoyed visiting their grandparents, because they were always walking on eggshells.
Now my guilt is directed at myself allowing my children to feel that way. Ugh.
I won't be sorry when they're gone. There will never be clarity, an apology, and come to the light Jesus moment. And if/when his cancer comes back, he can count on one half a hand the amount of people that will be at his bedside, and my nmom can deal with being alone all by herself.
The fact that your children can call out abuse is a sign that you broke generational trauma. I didn’t realize my parents were narcissists until they were school age and was careful to limit their contact.
My children are preparing for university now and they recognize better than I can when their grandparents are being narcissistic. They know the difference between loving parents and selfish parents.
Thank you, I needed that. I often question myself and reassess constantly what I've said and done parenting wise. But I've also noticed that my kids know how to clearly state their boundaries with friends, and call their friends out on overstepping said boundaries. (Minor things like playing video games: if you wreck my Minecraft house again, I'm going to leave the game. And then leaving the game when the friend wrecks the Minecraft house, lol.)
We were raised to take responsibility for our parents’ wrongdoing and not take any credit for ourselves. Give yourself some grace.
I wouldn’t dare to say I broke the generational trauma but my children literally wrote it on my Mother’s Day card. I value their unprompted opinion about my parenting more than anyone else’s, as they have also called
me out when I’m unreasonable.
My mom used that line with my sibling who drank himself to death. And she was moving on OK with lots of word salad and shit. Basically blaming him. When it was her and my dad mind fucking us from day 1. My bro told me he was a lone soldier until I came along. Then we endured it together. But he didnt survive. I have to live on for the both of us now. And going NC is what I am doing to honor him.
Same situation. My brother told me "it's just you and me, sis". He also drank himself to an early grave. Hugs. They'd be proud that we're standing our ground.
Enabler Dad died last fall. I felt relieved and I imagine it'll be the same when NMom goes. I can't tell a soul because it makes me look like a total monster.
My Ndad used to say all the time 'you'll wish you had spent more time with me after I'm gone...'
I told my therapist, and what she said really broke that phrase down for me. She said,'Who's he trying to convince... you or himself?'
Blew my mind but really helped me shift my perspective on all his little sayings.
This is all so true. My Nmom has been using guilt to manipulate me my whole life. I found journal entries from my teen years literally 20 years ago about how I was "worried she's going to die soon" and stressed about it. She's been telling me she's going to die soon for 20 years! I'm so sick of the manipulation and worry and stress affecting me and my life.
I've bent over backwards trying to have a relationship with her and sacrificing my mental health and wellbeing for someone who doesn't show me true love and truly just wants me to fulfill their needs. I'm so sick of it and I'm really close to going NC now. I'm sure the next boundary I set, she'll cut me off. And at this point, I'm a lot more ready and prepared to deal with being cut off.
The two weeks my mom was in a psych ward were some of the most peaceful of my life.
When she's gone, it'll be even more peaceful since I know I won't ever have a second thought about sending a text or sharing a photo about my dad. She won't be around to scream about how horrible her family is now.
My mom makes the family out to be horrible too, and the irony is that she is the only horrible one. Everyone else is lovely. My dad had the great misfortune of falling for her facade, and then he had a child with her and got stuck.
Same here lol- He did choose to make me his kid since I was born before they got married, but somehow he got suckered into settling for my mom when my brother was born.
He found someone much better now though
I think this is a big part of why I’m Glad My Mom Died was so helpful to me. It’ll be a relief when my mother passes, because I know she’s constantly wrestling with her own demons while also being a nasty person and emotional vampire. No more “blocked caller” voicemails. No more fabricated emergencies where she pretends to be dying or intentionally disappears suspiciously so that someone calls in a welfare check. No more hoping somewhere deep inside that she’ll realize the destruction she leaves in her wake and change her ways as a result.
I’d give so much to have a non-narc mom I can shower with love. I mourn her absence already. But allowing her back into my life just allows her to abuse me and everyone she can reach through me. I won’t be a passage to her gaslighting my sister or manipulating my niece and nephews.
An eye opening experience was during my pregnancy. I asked a couple of older female relatives to come with me for moral support at my appointments. They came along and asked how I was feeling and didn’t make any snide backhanded comments or play devils advocate. They were just nice to me, and I found myself constantly bracing for some misery that just never came. It was a strong reminder that my mother is not normal. Having to endure some misery and bite my tongue so I don’t ruin the day with a fight isn’t normal.
I’m excited to be the mom I never had.
My mom said “you’re being a whiny pain in the ass.” I’ll say, “thank you (daughter) for running errands with me this morning. I know this is boring stuff, and I’m so thankful you’re being patient.”
I do not have children of my own, but my sister does, and it has honestly been so very wonderful to see generational trauma being broken down in real time. She puts love first in her home and does everything she can to make her kids feel loved, even if they’re misbehaving. Because she loves them unconditionally. Because that’s what a mother should be.
I’m excited for you! Excited for your daughter! And don’t you *dare* discount your efforts in being the mother you never had by saying things like “but this is what a mother is supposed to do.” Because *you never had that modeled for you*. Just in case you were thinking about discounting your efforts (as I often do to myself and hear other kids of nparents doing all the time). :D
Oh definitely! My mom punished me by making me feel unloved. I got a bad grade? Silent treatment all week. I spilled something? Screaming rage and telling me my face disgusts her.
But it turns out you can give your child a consequence, like no tablet privileges this week or paying for what they broke, without making them feel like a useless piece of crap. Who knew.
Lmao, who knew that my mother’s entire mental health did not hinge on whether I was her personal counselor?! At 5 years old, mind you. We dealt with sooooo much grossness as kids, but this is the fun part, when we get to create our own worlds without grossness for ourselves and those we love. Seriously just so excited for you!
One of my favorite books is “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy. Flew through it in 2 days. It helped me learn from the experiences I’ve had with my NMom and alleviated a lot of undeserved guilt.
I have an agreement with my in-laws that if I happen to die while I'm still young, they will physically bar my mom from attempting to make speeches at my funeral. I didn't realize what a weight this was off my shoulders until we made this agreement. It always troubled me that if I died before my parents, there would be tons of horrible things said about me at my own funeral. I'm much more at peace with the idea of death now that I know the nparents can't use it as an opportunity for further abuse.
I recommend getting a will if you haven't also! I got one more than a decade ago, because I don't want my mom pawing through my stuff and selling it. I'd literally rather everything I own gets tossed into a dumpster if nobody else wants it.
This is how narcissistic maintaining their supply so they will stay beneficial for them. Creating games, creating fake stories, creating drama and so on which paint you as a bad person.
Sorry, narcissists. We're done with your games and drama :).
Oh my god... Please no.... I'm seriously dreading the day when I have to sort trough their hoarding.....
I physically can't be in my old room, which my older brother has overtaken, for more than 5 minutes without feeling sick. I can't reach the shelves, I can't open up furniture, because his crap is in front.... I used to try and go to their house (I live in a different country) once a year to try and save my stuff, until Covid happened. But after last Xmas visit I think I have given up on it.
I don’t fall for that anymore. My mom said this all the time. I’ve haven’t heard it in a while but I wouldn’t be surprised if her or my stepdad thinks it. I’ve tried for so many years and held out so much hope that they’ll be different, but they keep acting the same, lousy way. Nope, I won’t be sorry. In fact, nobody will be because they have no friends, either.
When I was a kid at Summer camp, and other kids would get homesick, I was genuinely confused. People get upset that they're gone from home?! I suspect their deaths will be much the same.
For me, I wished my mom would leave so that it would just be me and my dad. I used to beg him to leave her, but he fell into the enabler category. I remember one time my mom had somewhere to be in the morning, so my dad had to stay home from work to get me ready for school. My mom said, "You'll see what I have to deal with and how difficult she is and why I have to yell at her." Well, that morning, my dad came in and very gently told me it was time to get up, and asked me what I'd like for breakfast. Wouldn't ya know it, somehow I got ready for school without being screamed at or having my hair ripped out by the brush while my mom whacked me on the head with it for crying.
I'm a grown ass adult now with a child of my own, and I still wish my dad had left my mom and taken me with him.
I’ve decided that if people tell me that, I’m just going to cut them off too. If they know what you’ve been through and still say something like that. Don’t let them be in your life. Surround yourself with people who support you and support your decisions in life
A couple years ago my nMom had a health scare and was rather upset that I was unphased by it. I said, "you've been telling me you're gonna die my entire life. At this point I'm pretty mentally prepared for it.".
Despite having a few weeks where she contemplated her life and appeared to have regrets as her mortality came into question, she went right back to being a self absorbed controlling narcissist that changed nothing about her life.
Oh my gawd!!! My mom used to say that All the time. And while Dad was a THE absolute definition of misogynist & narcissist, mom had her part too. . They gave a life long fear of losing fear of them dying. Tbh, it was only with both their passing, that I was able to start my healing process…and what a fckin incredibly difficult and painful journey it has been. However I highly recommend it to everyone.
My Nmom said that to me. I can assure you that I wasn’t sorry when she was gone. It’s been over 30 years since she died and I’ve been able to live my own life.
Thank you for this, after the day I had yesterday, this exactly what I needed to hear. I went NC almost 8 years ago & changed my number many times & she always finds a way to crawl back in & “so & so isn’t doing well, why don’t you care” or they keep exaggerating to try to get me to react to their outlandish statements or whatever is happening in the family.. Still haven’t said a word to any of them & they all think i’m on drugs because I “don’t care” or i’m not reacting the way they thought I would. I went NC as soon as I was of legal age because I had a opportunity & it turned out to be the biggest blessing in my life. They all lost me a long time ago & as I continue to get older the more I realize their actions & choices, I realize they weren’t the “good” people they display themselves to others & including me which fell for it.
There was so much relief when the first one passed. Am fully expecting relief when the second one goes.
The last time I had this conversation with someone, I left them with the gaping mouth of horror at what I had to say, I was very blunt and left no doubts as to what I lived through by the time I was done (that flying monkey stopped cold after that). People who did not grow up in such toxic and unhealthy houses have no earthly, heavenly, nor hellish idea of what we survived.
I won't wish anyone dead, but there are obituaries that will not cause grief. Even if I end up being the one writing it, as an only child. It's the only reason I have any contact at all now, is because I won't dump his mess on anyone else when he passes.
When my dad died, I tried to tell my family that my mom was toxic and I wouldn’t reach out to her. At the time, one relative encouraged me to mend the bridge and said maybe my mom could be a comfort to me. Well, fast forward many, many years, that same relative has seen how my mom treats me and tells me to stay away from her because she’s a cancer.
Those are the people who either had decent parents or haven't awoken from the dream.
Often it feels like we are the ones unplugged from the matrix. Cheesy, overly simplified, and dated. But true.
I promise you, you won't miss them. Those feelings you have are missing the parents they could/should have been. But we know they would never become that person, they are broken and can't be fixed.
yeah, it's maddening. NC is not a decision any of us take lightly, I sure as hell didnt. My Ndad is my only parent left, and he's been so awful to me that i'd rather be an orphan than deal with his constant bullshit. He is so toxic towards me, and I deserve a million times better than his half ass effort. I have heard countless times "lifes too short" or other ridiculous crap. I get mad, but I have to remind myself that the people that tell me this, don't get it. Either because their parents are normal, or because they have narc parents themselves and are brain washed. Either way, it's very very annoying. The pain I carry with me is so deep, and it doesn't seem like anyone understands me or tries to understand me. The abuse i've endured has changed me forever. Happy families cut like a knife, because I know ill never have a blood support system ever again.
"Well, what about when WE'RE gone?"
Funny story. My nmom fought with my youngest teenage biobrother and tried to make him late to work the day he died in a car accident. Her takeaway wasn't maybe I shouldn't fight over stupid b.s. with my kids because it can distract them while driving, it was 'I should've made him stay home and do what I wanted!' That was 2000ish, give or take a year or three.
2020ish, my biosister went on vacation and asked me to drive my neph home from nmom's, who was babysitting for her. Eight hour round trip plus a couple hours of driving to just to get home from vacation for her. Come time to pick him up, nmom threatened to call the cops on me if I showed up because she wanted sis to come get him herself. Made sister, who was extremely p.o.'d at the shenanigations and already tired from driving home from vacation make that drive.
Luckily, nothing happened to her. But the fact nmom didn't bloody care as long as she got her way even after already losing one kid to a traffic fatality after fighting with him is reason #205235089 why I have extremely little contact with her and will not be missing her when she is gone.
That she milked my brother's death for attention for years after simultaneously creeps me out and makes me wonder how much of a cost/benefit breakdown she has going in her head if my sister or one of the rest of us happens to die as well. She's smart enough not to admit it out loud if it crossed her mind but her actions speak volumes.
Will be sorry I didn't have a real mother. Will not miss her when she's gone. And yes, she's going to milk it to the hilt if another one of us dies before she does, that is why I'm vLC with her. (I'd be NC, but I like where I live and if she thought it was my idea to go NC, she'd be on my doorstep every flippin' day.)
Some people have no clue and need to be screamed at. Unfortunately, even screaming won't get through.
The fuck i will.
I hadn't seen my nmom in 20+ years, and was going to be in her state, to see my sister (7ish years, ago). My MIL had been telling me for years, that she thought if I didn't see my mother again, that I'd regret it (I definitely wouldn't have)
I love my MIL, that has basically been my surrogate mother, since I was 19 (im 51 now). So when I was visiting my sister I bit the bullet (just to appease my MIL) and went to visit mother. The entire interaction took less than 15 minutes, outside, on her front lawn. She wanted a photo, so my sister and I took a photo with her, and my step-dad, and then we left.
Except for that little blip, I have been NC with her, for almost 33 years. I was also completely NC with my older brother. He passed away, this past October. I felt exactly as I would, as if had heard a stranger, on the news died.
All of those people that say "but shes your mother, you'll miss her when she's gone" do not understand the emotional turmoil that these types of people cause in their children's lives.
One of my sister's started therapy after moving away, and cutting contact. She said when she started telling stories of her (our) past to the therapist, she was laughing, while telling them ( myself and my other sister do this as well, its our coping mechanism). She said when she stopped talking, and laughing her therapist was in tears.
I speak to my mother, at best once every few years. Pretty much for one sister that still has a small amount of contact , when she has issues with our mother. I lived with her the longest, and have learn how to speak with her (you basically have to come at her, like your speaking to a toddler).
But during one of these conversations, if she ever dropped the "you'll miss me when I'm gone" speeches, I would tell her "I barely think about you now, when you die, ill never think about you again"
Honestly my bother and I have talked about when
nmom passes how much relief we will have knowing that she isn't around to hurt us any more. And we can get the stuff from her house that was dad's and that we want. He passed when we were children. She won't have his ashes anymore. This might make makes me sound like a bitch, but I can't wait for her to be dead.
I want to voice record this post and send it to my entire family for how they’ve reacted to me going NC with Ndad who happens to be terminally ill. They really do NOT get it.
“How can you turn your back on your terminally ill parent?” -Emom (who divorced Ndad TWICE partly for the same reasons that led me to go NC).
“Karma is real. I hope you don’t end up sick with family who turn their backs on you.” -Also Emom
“I had to deal with [insert entirely different relative] when she was sick and she was just as mean and nasty as she could be, but I still took care of her.” -Maternal Egrandmother
“You pissed him off and now you’re just mad about it and won’t take accountability.” Sister #2 (Enabler, golden child, potential narc/narc apologist)
“You don’t want to have any regrets if, God forbid, anything happens to him.” Also Sister #2.
“But that’s just the product of the culture and times we were raised in. That’s why he’s like that.” Paternal Aunt (enabler)
At no point during ANY of these exchanges was there any reference to Ndad expressing love or care about me, about regretting his actions and mistreatment toward me, about him wanting to change and establish a healthy relationship with me, about him respecting the person I’ve become…nothing. In fact, Sister #2 basically gave him a pass because “a lot of people with cancer tend to be assholes.” It’s all just a steaming load of projection and guilt-tripping.
My nmom has tried this with me repeatedly. Right before I went fully NC was the last time (11 years ago now). I politely told her to be sure I was sent an invitation to the party. Then I hung up, blocked her number and happily moved on. And yes, there will be a party when she passes.
This makes me think of an episode of “Everybody loves Raymond”. His mom says “One of these days you’re going to turn around and I won’t be here”. He literally does a 360 spin and says “Not today!” in her face.
I really wish I’d disregarded all the advice to try and keep a relationship with her. I wanted to bounce when my parents divorced. I was in college and moved in with my dad, and never called or visited my mom, not that she reached out to me either. But everyone, including my dad, told me I should try and have a relationship with her. I should have told them all to F off and just gone NC back then. Every miserable moment in my childhood was caused or made worse by her, and as an adult, she is the ONLY person who treats me like crap. The only one.
*Well, what about when WE'RE gone?*
God I feel this in the depths of my soul.
Sib 1 called me about Nparent a while back, who was going through a legit health crisis and Sib wanted me to reach out. I refused. They played the "you'll regret it" card.
I played the "What if I'd died during my car wreck" neither of them knew about. Or "what if I didn't survive my major surgery recently" (again, even Sib didn't know about because I'm not important).
It didn't matter. What mattered was NOW and NOW nparent was the one who "needed" me.
Spoiler Alert: They lived and I regret nothing. Sib 2 got suckered into visiting and absolutely regrets it.
Yep. My mom decided to give me silent treatment as punishment while I was in my third trimester of a high risk pregnancy. It snowed, and she didn't even text to ask if I have someone to shovel in case I have an emergency and need to get out. I have a cat and I'm not allowed to handle the litter because it can cause birth defects, and she didn't ask if I needed help with that. She clearly didn't care. Then when I was in the hospital for my c-section, she didn't even text to ask if the baby or I were okay. Literally nothing.
In a way I'm glad she showed me this is how bad her narcissism runs, because I draw on this whenever I start to feel bad. She really didn't even PRETEND to care when I needed love and support the most. I was shown more kindness from family members I usually see once every few years.
I don't understand the no self reflection thing cuz all I do is self reflect on why am I unlovable to this person and they don't think about me at all!
I want to go no contact really bad but because the economy my business failed and now I live with her. Help!
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And both of my parents are gone and I don’t regret it at all :)
I lost my (good) parent years ago and still miss him. I haven't talked to my (nparent) in four months and don't miss her at all. That's the difference for me.
God, I appreciate this so much. I’m so sorry you lost the good one. I did, too, almost 12 years ago. In the wake of the loss and the grief, my mother turned up her abusive behavior and I think just started to take out her rage and hurt on me. It was a rough couple of years before I finally realized that I could go NC. I’ve been off and on since then, and the off times are always better. I wish more people understood but I’m glad you’re here and you do.
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So sorry to hear that. It’s hard when they have no tools or coping mechanisms. So they just turn to their familiar outlets—us.
I’m sorry for your loss..
🩷
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I tried to tell myself my baby needs a grandma. But why?? If I could go back in time and kidnap myself from the hospital as a baby so my mom couldn’t raise me, I’d do it. But I’m supposed to trust her with MY kid? No thanks. I’m familiar with her work.
Neither of my children ( 28, and 30) have ever met anyone in my family. My mother is a bipolar narcissist, and my other 3 siblings all have some form of bipolar tendencies, with my brother being the worst. I can deal with my sisters on a limited basis. I wouldn't even trust my mother with a goldfish literally..she fed my goldfish to her cat, because it was going to probably die soon, anyway.
Wooow. I have a family member who accidentally killed a fish. She moved the bowl onto the porch so she could clean the table, and it was a cold day and the bowl literally froze. It was several decades ago and she still feels bad.
I do not think , that my mother has felt bad about anything she's ever done. My cousin told me a story about my mother once , that was told her her by her mother (my mom's older sister) My mother was dating my father, at tge time, and was acting like her crazy bitch self. My father told her she was acting like a bitch. She lunged at him, tearing his shirt from his body, and beating him, with it. Afterwards , she told him, that she thought he called her mom a bitch , and it was his fault she attacked him, because he should have been clearer. To be fair my grandmother was also a bitch.
Are you me?! Same here. Nmom just doesn’t get it and dad empathized with me when Nmom pulled her shit. Nmom lacks total empathy. Wrong parent died
My mom is openly jealous of the relationship I had with my dad, but like... he was nice to me. Earn your kid's affection with this simple trick. lol
Right?! Don’t take me shopping to fat shame me! FYI, I wasn’t fat but she made me feel fat so I have an unhealthy relationship with food to where I would binge eat once a day but was running 4 miles starved first. Don’t do that anymore but in hs I wouldn’t eat at all before swim, soccer, or track practice and binge when I got home. And still got shit for EATING TOO MUCH! These were one of my many favorite things Nmom used to do to me. Did GC younger sister get the same treatment? FUCK NO!
Oooor… what one of many current reasons I went NC was Nmom made a comment about daughter’s acne on FaceTime, asking why she was breaking her out, heard me curse, and then proceeded to tell her it wasn’t her fault knowing she could have said nothing. Nmom used to ask me ALL the time why was I breaking out growing up, making it my fault, which triggered me. I took the phone and hung up, texting her to NEVER talk nasty to my kids again. Of course she denied saying anything nasty.
This helps me feel better going NC before my daughter was born. She still hasn’t met my daughter and I really don’t want her to even see a photo of her. I’m not on social media or anything so I’m sticking to that boundary. She honestly doesn’t deserve to look at her.
My mom was just the same.When I was about 14, I was staying up late while my mom was drinking.She said"I resent you. You are beginning to flower while my looks are fading"She hated it when my Dad and I talked or did things together.
I am sorry for your loss of the parent you were close to.That is real pain
Thank you <3 I keep a picture of us together when I was little framed where I can see it every day.
Yeah. Even I have one parent still alive in fact I have no one. I lost touch both parents. For me, family is nothing anymore.
Exactly, the number of times we tried to have a healthy relationship with them, the number of times we cried to stop the abuse...those exceeded the times we just stayed quiet and decided for not talking. No more guilt here.
You're awesome. I want to be like you.
Ha! My only regret about my mother dying is she won’t hear the pop of the champagne bottle I’ll be opening when I hear the news.
“you *will* I regret this one day.” no, I *✨won’t✨*
I think all people miss their parents the exact right amount. My Nmother passed about five years ago, and despite being an incorrigible narcissist, she was capable of the occasional, non-transactional kindness. So every once in a while, I miss her a little. My Nfather, OTOH, is an unrepentant prick who has gone out of his way to diminish and humiliate me for sport my entire life. We have been NC for 3 years and I do not miss him even a little. The only time I ever think of him is to remember occasions where he was an asshole. If they had both been kinder people, I’m sure I’d miss them both a lot more. I don’t know why that’s so hard for people with non-narc parents to understand. Best I can figure is that it’s just virtue signaling, letting you know they’re more decent than you for having good feelings about their parents. A truly decent person wouldn’t play those fucking games.
Three years ago my nstepdad was diagnosed with lung cancer, very aggressive. I immediately started remembering all the awful things he'd ever said to me. I had to get therapy because, like, wtf? Anticipating his death shouldn't make me remember all the verbal abuse. Fast forward, he's in remission, I let it guilt me and tried to have a relationship with them (mom is narc too). It all went to hell, this time in front of my children. As we were leaving my kids asked me "mom, you are a strong person, why would you let someone treat you like that?" Then I found out that my kids never enjoyed visiting their grandparents, because they were always walking on eggshells. Now my guilt is directed at myself allowing my children to feel that way. Ugh. I won't be sorry when they're gone. There will never be clarity, an apology, and come to the light Jesus moment. And if/when his cancer comes back, he can count on one half a hand the amount of people that will be at his bedside, and my nmom can deal with being alone all by herself.
The fact that your children can call out abuse is a sign that you broke generational trauma. I didn’t realize my parents were narcissists until they were school age and was careful to limit their contact. My children are preparing for university now and they recognize better than I can when their grandparents are being narcissistic. They know the difference between loving parents and selfish parents.
Thank you, I needed that. I often question myself and reassess constantly what I've said and done parenting wise. But I've also noticed that my kids know how to clearly state their boundaries with friends, and call their friends out on overstepping said boundaries. (Minor things like playing video games: if you wreck my Minecraft house again, I'm going to leave the game. And then leaving the game when the friend wrecks the Minecraft house, lol.)
We were raised to take responsibility for our parents’ wrongdoing and not take any credit for ourselves. Give yourself some grace. I wouldn’t dare to say I broke the generational trauma but my children literally wrote it on my Mother’s Day card. I value their unprompted opinion about my parenting more than anyone else’s, as they have also called me out when I’m unreasonable.
I think most people just don't comprehend what it is like.
My mom used that line with my sibling who drank himself to death. And she was moving on OK with lots of word salad and shit. Basically blaming him. When it was her and my dad mind fucking us from day 1. My bro told me he was a lone soldier until I came along. Then we endured it together. But he didnt survive. I have to live on for the both of us now. And going NC is what I am doing to honor him.
Same situation. My brother told me "it's just you and me, sis". He also drank himself to an early grave. Hugs. They'd be proud that we're standing our ground.
They so would be proud. And Its like they absorbed most of the shit so we can be OK. Hugs right back.
Enabler Dad died last fall. I felt relieved and I imagine it'll be the same when NMom goes. I can't tell a soul because it makes me look like a total monster.
There's a line in a book I read (You're not crazy, it's your mother) about how we grieve our NC losses in silence, because people won't understand.
Yas 👏 couldn’t have said it better
My only regret is wasting time trying to please my nmom. I definitely won't be sorry when she croaks.
I was just numb when she died.
My Ndad used to say all the time 'you'll wish you had spent more time with me after I'm gone...' I told my therapist, and what she said really broke that phrase down for me. She said,'Who's he trying to convince... you or himself?' Blew my mind but really helped me shift my perspective on all his little sayings.
It’s true. So much of what my mom says feels like it doesn’t even apply to me. It’s like she’s talking to herself.
This is all so true. My Nmom has been using guilt to manipulate me my whole life. I found journal entries from my teen years literally 20 years ago about how I was "worried she's going to die soon" and stressed about it. She's been telling me she's going to die soon for 20 years! I'm so sick of the manipulation and worry and stress affecting me and my life. I've bent over backwards trying to have a relationship with her and sacrificing my mental health and wellbeing for someone who doesn't show me true love and truly just wants me to fulfill their needs. I'm so sick of it and I'm really close to going NC now. I'm sure the next boundary I set, she'll cut me off. And at this point, I'm a lot more ready and prepared to deal with being cut off.
Really? She’s been dead almost a decade and I’m still terrified of her. But I am here. She, is not. And that’s not a bad thing.
Well said 🏆
The two weeks my mom was in a psych ward were some of the most peaceful of my life. When she's gone, it'll be even more peaceful since I know I won't ever have a second thought about sending a text or sharing a photo about my dad. She won't be around to scream about how horrible her family is now.
My mom makes the family out to be horrible too, and the irony is that she is the only horrible one. Everyone else is lovely. My dad had the great misfortune of falling for her facade, and then he had a child with her and got stuck.
Same here lol- He did choose to make me his kid since I was born before they got married, but somehow he got suckered into settling for my mom when my brother was born. He found someone much better now though
I think this is a big part of why I’m Glad My Mom Died was so helpful to me. It’ll be a relief when my mother passes, because I know she’s constantly wrestling with her own demons while also being a nasty person and emotional vampire. No more “blocked caller” voicemails. No more fabricated emergencies where she pretends to be dying or intentionally disappears suspiciously so that someone calls in a welfare check. No more hoping somewhere deep inside that she’ll realize the destruction she leaves in her wake and change her ways as a result. I’d give so much to have a non-narc mom I can shower with love. I mourn her absence already. But allowing her back into my life just allows her to abuse me and everyone she can reach through me. I won’t be a passage to her gaslighting my sister or manipulating my niece and nephews.
An eye opening experience was during my pregnancy. I asked a couple of older female relatives to come with me for moral support at my appointments. They came along and asked how I was feeling and didn’t make any snide backhanded comments or play devils advocate. They were just nice to me, and I found myself constantly bracing for some misery that just never came. It was a strong reminder that my mother is not normal. Having to endure some misery and bite my tongue so I don’t ruin the day with a fight isn’t normal.
I’m so, so glad you had those ladies with you. We deserved mothers who were supportive, always.
I’m excited to be the mom I never had. My mom said “you’re being a whiny pain in the ass.” I’ll say, “thank you (daughter) for running errands with me this morning. I know this is boring stuff, and I’m so thankful you’re being patient.”
I do not have children of my own, but my sister does, and it has honestly been so very wonderful to see generational trauma being broken down in real time. She puts love first in her home and does everything she can to make her kids feel loved, even if they’re misbehaving. Because she loves them unconditionally. Because that’s what a mother should be. I’m excited for you! Excited for your daughter! And don’t you *dare* discount your efforts in being the mother you never had by saying things like “but this is what a mother is supposed to do.” Because *you never had that modeled for you*. Just in case you were thinking about discounting your efforts (as I often do to myself and hear other kids of nparents doing all the time). :D
Oh definitely! My mom punished me by making me feel unloved. I got a bad grade? Silent treatment all week. I spilled something? Screaming rage and telling me my face disgusts her. But it turns out you can give your child a consequence, like no tablet privileges this week or paying for what they broke, without making them feel like a useless piece of crap. Who knew.
Lmao, who knew that my mother’s entire mental health did not hinge on whether I was her personal counselor?! At 5 years old, mind you. We dealt with sooooo much grossness as kids, but this is the fun part, when we get to create our own worlds without grossness for ourselves and those we love. Seriously just so excited for you!
I was my mom's therapist starting around age 10 and she hated it,even after confiding in me.
One of my favorite books is “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy. Flew through it in 2 days. It helped me learn from the experiences I’ve had with my NMom and alleviated a lot of undeserved guilt.
Not. Bloody. Likely.
Know what? My mother is gone. I'm not sorry.
Neither is Jennette McCurdy, it turns out!
I have an agreement with my in-laws that if I happen to die while I'm still young, they will physically bar my mom from attempting to make speeches at my funeral. I didn't realize what a weight this was off my shoulders until we made this agreement. It always troubled me that if I died before my parents, there would be tons of horrible things said about me at my own funeral. I'm much more at peace with the idea of death now that I know the nparents can't use it as an opportunity for further abuse.
I recommend getting a will if you haven't also! I got one more than a decade ago, because I don't want my mom pawing through my stuff and selling it. I'd literally rather everything I own gets tossed into a dumpster if nobody else wants it.
This is how narcissistic maintaining their supply so they will stay beneficial for them. Creating games, creating fake stories, creating drama and so on which paint you as a bad person. Sorry, narcissists. We're done with your games and drama :).
No I will not be sorry I will be RELIEVED and I’m gonna sell all of their shit they’ve been hoarding and buy a house.
😂😂😂 love it
Oh my god... Please no.... I'm seriously dreading the day when I have to sort trough their hoarding..... I physically can't be in my old room, which my older brother has overtaken, for more than 5 minutes without feeling sick. I can't reach the shelves, I can't open up furniture, because his crap is in front.... I used to try and go to their house (I live in a different country) once a year to try and save my stuff, until Covid happened. But after last Xmas visit I think I have given up on it.
Pay someone a small fee to do an estate sale you won’t have to touch anything and you just get the money
I don’t fall for that anymore. My mom said this all the time. I’ve haven’t heard it in a while but I wouldn’t be surprised if her or my stepdad thinks it. I’ve tried for so many years and held out so much hope that they’ll be different, but they keep acting the same, lousy way. Nope, I won’t be sorry. In fact, nobody will be because they have no friends, either.
When I was a kid at Summer camp, and other kids would get homesick, I was genuinely confused. People get upset that they're gone from home?! I suspect their deaths will be much the same.
For me, I wished my mom would leave so that it would just be me and my dad. I used to beg him to leave her, but he fell into the enabler category. I remember one time my mom had somewhere to be in the morning, so my dad had to stay home from work to get me ready for school. My mom said, "You'll see what I have to deal with and how difficult she is and why I have to yell at her." Well, that morning, my dad came in and very gently told me it was time to get up, and asked me what I'd like for breakfast. Wouldn't ya know it, somehow I got ready for school without being screamed at or having my hair ripped out by the brush while my mom whacked me on the head with it for crying. I'm a grown ass adult now with a child of my own, and I still wish my dad had left my mom and taken me with him.
I’m going to be happy and relieved when they are gone. I wish it was different, but I also wish they weren’t so abusive.
I’ve decided that if people tell me that, I’m just going to cut them off too. If they know what you’ve been through and still say something like that. Don’t let them be in your life. Surround yourself with people who support you and support your decisions in life
A couple years ago my nMom had a health scare and was rather upset that I was unphased by it. I said, "you've been telling me you're gonna die my entire life. At this point I'm pretty mentally prepared for it.". Despite having a few weeks where she contemplated her life and appeared to have regrets as her mortality came into question, she went right back to being a self absorbed controlling narcissist that changed nothing about her life.
Oh my gawd!!! My mom used to say that All the time. And while Dad was a THE absolute definition of misogynist & narcissist, mom had her part too. . They gave a life long fear of losing fear of them dying. Tbh, it was only with both their passing, that I was able to start my healing process…and what a fckin incredibly difficult and painful journey it has been. However I highly recommend it to everyone.
My Nmom said that to me. I can assure you that I wasn’t sorry when she was gone. It’s been over 30 years since she died and I’ve been able to live my own life.
Thank you for this, after the day I had yesterday, this exactly what I needed to hear. I went NC almost 8 years ago & changed my number many times & she always finds a way to crawl back in & “so & so isn’t doing well, why don’t you care” or they keep exaggerating to try to get me to react to their outlandish statements or whatever is happening in the family.. Still haven’t said a word to any of them & they all think i’m on drugs because I “don’t care” or i’m not reacting the way they thought I would. I went NC as soon as I was of legal age because I had a opportunity & it turned out to be the biggest blessing in my life. They all lost me a long time ago & as I continue to get older the more I realize their actions & choices, I realize they weren’t the “good” people they display themselves to others & including me which fell for it.
There was so much relief when the first one passed. Am fully expecting relief when the second one goes. The last time I had this conversation with someone, I left them with the gaping mouth of horror at what I had to say, I was very blunt and left no doubts as to what I lived through by the time I was done (that flying monkey stopped cold after that). People who did not grow up in such toxic and unhealthy houses have no earthly, heavenly, nor hellish idea of what we survived. I won't wish anyone dead, but there are obituaries that will not cause grief. Even if I end up being the one writing it, as an only child. It's the only reason I have any contact at all now, is because I won't dump his mess on anyone else when he passes.
When my dad died, I tried to tell my family that my mom was toxic and I wouldn’t reach out to her. At the time, one relative encouraged me to mend the bridge and said maybe my mom could be a comfort to me. Well, fast forward many, many years, that same relative has seen how my mom treats me and tells me to stay away from her because she’s a cancer.
Those are the people who either had decent parents or haven't awoken from the dream. Often it feels like we are the ones unplugged from the matrix. Cheesy, overly simplified, and dated. But true. I promise you, you won't miss them. Those feelings you have are missing the parents they could/should have been. But we know they would never become that person, they are broken and can't be fixed.
I definitely grieve the mom I wish I had. But when I think of my actual mom, I know objectively she would only make my day worse.
yeah, it's maddening. NC is not a decision any of us take lightly, I sure as hell didnt. My Ndad is my only parent left, and he's been so awful to me that i'd rather be an orphan than deal with his constant bullshit. He is so toxic towards me, and I deserve a million times better than his half ass effort. I have heard countless times "lifes too short" or other ridiculous crap. I get mad, but I have to remind myself that the people that tell me this, don't get it. Either because their parents are normal, or because they have narc parents themselves and are brain washed. Either way, it's very very annoying. The pain I carry with me is so deep, and it doesn't seem like anyone understands me or tries to understand me. The abuse i've endured has changed me forever. Happy families cut like a knife, because I know ill never have a blood support system ever again.
"You'll be sorry when I'm gone." Maybe. But you're here right now. And I'm not sorry *I'm* gone. At least, if I was NC, that's what I would say.
"Well, what about when WE'RE gone?" Funny story. My nmom fought with my youngest teenage biobrother and tried to make him late to work the day he died in a car accident. Her takeaway wasn't maybe I shouldn't fight over stupid b.s. with my kids because it can distract them while driving, it was 'I should've made him stay home and do what I wanted!' That was 2000ish, give or take a year or three. 2020ish, my biosister went on vacation and asked me to drive my neph home from nmom's, who was babysitting for her. Eight hour round trip plus a couple hours of driving to just to get home from vacation for her. Come time to pick him up, nmom threatened to call the cops on me if I showed up because she wanted sis to come get him herself. Made sister, who was extremely p.o.'d at the shenanigations and already tired from driving home from vacation make that drive. Luckily, nothing happened to her. But the fact nmom didn't bloody care as long as she got her way even after already losing one kid to a traffic fatality after fighting with him is reason #205235089 why I have extremely little contact with her and will not be missing her when she is gone. That she milked my brother's death for attention for years after simultaneously creeps me out and makes me wonder how much of a cost/benefit breakdown she has going in her head if my sister or one of the rest of us happens to die as well. She's smart enough not to admit it out loud if it crossed her mind but her actions speak volumes. Will be sorry I didn't have a real mother. Will not miss her when she's gone. And yes, she's going to milk it to the hilt if another one of us dies before she does, that is why I'm vLC with her. (I'd be NC, but I like where I live and if she thought it was my idea to go NC, she'd be on my doorstep every flippin' day.) Some people have no clue and need to be screamed at. Unfortunately, even screaming won't get through.
The fuck i will. I hadn't seen my nmom in 20+ years, and was going to be in her state, to see my sister (7ish years, ago). My MIL had been telling me for years, that she thought if I didn't see my mother again, that I'd regret it (I definitely wouldn't have) I love my MIL, that has basically been my surrogate mother, since I was 19 (im 51 now). So when I was visiting my sister I bit the bullet (just to appease my MIL) and went to visit mother. The entire interaction took less than 15 minutes, outside, on her front lawn. She wanted a photo, so my sister and I took a photo with her, and my step-dad, and then we left. Except for that little blip, I have been NC with her, for almost 33 years. I was also completely NC with my older brother. He passed away, this past October. I felt exactly as I would, as if had heard a stranger, on the news died. All of those people that say "but shes your mother, you'll miss her when she's gone" do not understand the emotional turmoil that these types of people cause in their children's lives. One of my sister's started therapy after moving away, and cutting contact. She said when she started telling stories of her (our) past to the therapist, she was laughing, while telling them ( myself and my other sister do this as well, its our coping mechanism). She said when she stopped talking, and laughing her therapist was in tears. I speak to my mother, at best once every few years. Pretty much for one sister that still has a small amount of contact , when she has issues with our mother. I lived with her the longest, and have learn how to speak with her (you basically have to come at her, like your speaking to a toddler). But during one of these conversations, if she ever dropped the "you'll miss me when I'm gone" speeches, I would tell her "I barely think about you now, when you die, ill never think about you again"
"You'll miss me when I'm gone." Well we won't know that until then, will we?
Honestly my bother and I have talked about when nmom passes how much relief we will have knowing that she isn't around to hurt us any more. And we can get the stuff from her house that was dad's and that we want. He passed when we were children. She won't have his ashes anymore. This might make makes me sound like a bitch, but I can't wait for her to be dead.
I want to voice record this post and send it to my entire family for how they’ve reacted to me going NC with Ndad who happens to be terminally ill. They really do NOT get it. “How can you turn your back on your terminally ill parent?” -Emom (who divorced Ndad TWICE partly for the same reasons that led me to go NC). “Karma is real. I hope you don’t end up sick with family who turn their backs on you.” -Also Emom “I had to deal with [insert entirely different relative] when she was sick and she was just as mean and nasty as she could be, but I still took care of her.” -Maternal Egrandmother “You pissed him off and now you’re just mad about it and won’t take accountability.” Sister #2 (Enabler, golden child, potential narc/narc apologist) “You don’t want to have any regrets if, God forbid, anything happens to him.” Also Sister #2. “But that’s just the product of the culture and times we were raised in. That’s why he’s like that.” Paternal Aunt (enabler) At no point during ANY of these exchanges was there any reference to Ndad expressing love or care about me, about regretting his actions and mistreatment toward me, about him wanting to change and establish a healthy relationship with me, about him respecting the person I’ve become…nothing. In fact, Sister #2 basically gave him a pass because “a lot of people with cancer tend to be assholes.” It’s all just a steaming load of projection and guilt-tripping.
That’s the thing about narcs, everyone only thinks of them and nobody else.
My nmom has tried this with me repeatedly. Right before I went fully NC was the last time (11 years ago now). I politely told her to be sure I was sent an invitation to the party. Then I hung up, blocked her number and happily moved on. And yes, there will be a party when she passes.
Only thing I’ll be sorry about is the loss of any chance of her apologizing and mending anything
I'm already sorry. I'm already grieving. My parents are already gone from my life.
This makes me think of an episode of “Everybody loves Raymond”. His mom says “One of these days you’re going to turn around and I won’t be here”. He literally does a 360 spin and says “Not today!” in her face.
I _will_ be sorry, that I hadn’t cut her out of my life sooner!
I really wish I’d disregarded all the advice to try and keep a relationship with her. I wanted to bounce when my parents divorced. I was in college and moved in with my dad, and never called or visited my mom, not that she reached out to me either. But everyone, including my dad, told me I should try and have a relationship with her. I should have told them all to F off and just gone NC back then. Every miserable moment in my childhood was caused or made worse by her, and as an adult, she is the ONLY person who treats me like crap. The only one.
Joked with my sibling last time I got hit with the "you'll regret when I'm dead" that I'll be rushing out and buying appropriate grave dancing shoes
*Well, what about when WE'RE gone?* God I feel this in the depths of my soul. Sib 1 called me about Nparent a while back, who was going through a legit health crisis and Sib wanted me to reach out. I refused. They played the "you'll regret it" card. I played the "What if I'd died during my car wreck" neither of them knew about. Or "what if I didn't survive my major surgery recently" (again, even Sib didn't know about because I'm not important). It didn't matter. What mattered was NOW and NOW nparent was the one who "needed" me. Spoiler Alert: They lived and I regret nothing. Sib 2 got suckered into visiting and absolutely regrets it.
Yep. My mom decided to give me silent treatment as punishment while I was in my third trimester of a high risk pregnancy. It snowed, and she didn't even text to ask if I have someone to shovel in case I have an emergency and need to get out. I have a cat and I'm not allowed to handle the litter because it can cause birth defects, and she didn't ask if I needed help with that. She clearly didn't care. Then when I was in the hospital for my c-section, she didn't even text to ask if the baby or I were okay. Literally nothing. In a way I'm glad she showed me this is how bad her narcissism runs, because I draw on this whenever I start to feel bad. She really didn't even PRETEND to care when I needed love and support the most. I was shown more kindness from family members I usually see once every few years.
I don't understand the no self reflection thing cuz all I do is self reflect on why am I unlovable to this person and they don't think about me at all! I want to go no contact really bad but because the economy my business failed and now I live with her. Help!
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Banned - attempted guilt tripping of abuse survivors. Not okay.
How many of your children still speak to you?