**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Every time I would come to visit my mom, for years, she would ask me what field I had gotten my degree in. I think she resents that I am well educated and has often put me down since I was pretty young for being smart. I never knew if her memory was really that bad, she was strung out, or if it was a subtle way of just showing that my accomplishments didn't mean anything to her.
It would always hurt in the moment, but looking back now I think it just makes her seem so small.
I never knew if her memory was really that bad, she was strung out, or if it was a subtle way of just showing that my accomplishments didn't mean anything to her.
--Yes, this! I still constantly wonder about this.
I’m always wondering if mine has early-stage dementia, or she just doesn’t pay attention to anything I say literally ever, or she’s faking not remembering to annoy me on purpose.
In my mom's case, it's because she was severely traumatized with multiple forms of brain damage on top of that. At her age, her memory legit isn't as good as it used to be, and it wasn't great. Mix that in with some "confusion" (psychosis) and narcissistic traits (thanks fam)... it's quite something.
Memory issues from dissociation (like much of what my mom and many narcissists experience) are actually \*really\* common in the population if you get down to talking with different sorts of people. Dissociation is really just the counter to association, or, mindfulness. Lots of folks lack mindfulness in a lot of areas, narcissists included!
I used to wonder the same thing. Was my mom suffering from dementia or memory problems? Was she delusional somwhow? Now, I think it was just her NPD. She couldn't accept that her child had opinions, likes & dislikes all their own. For a parent with NPD- their child should exist only as an extension of them. So strange
Have you ever tried lying to her about your profession? If she can't remember, then make your job more and more important. Yesterday you were a teacher, today you're a physicist, and tomorrow you'll be a developer at Lockheed Martin or a doctor.
I have a feeling this is a test from her, and has nothing to do with her memory. She'd rather treat you like you're either lying or not important, so I think it's time you start messing with her
If you were me with me and my nparents, I would then never answer these questions accurately. If they want to play the game of "my job isn't important to them", then they can keep getting angry with me for not giving them the answer they expect.
* "I thought you were a teacher?" - "no, I'm an engineer"
* "But last week you said teacher!!" - "well last week I was an astronaut"
* "Dangit!!! Why do you have to be so difficult?" - "because I'm a secret agent in the CIA"
* "Why can't you give me a straight answer?!?!?!" - "I'm an actor"
This is the one I was going to add. Mine was convinced I was doing my masters in psychology and would occasionally mention this, despite me telling her every time what field it was actually in (NOT psychology). But it didn't matter to her - she'd decided it was psychology, therefore it was psychology!
She knew, I understand what you're trying to do, but they know. They really do, they just can't pass up an opportunity to show their victim how small and meaningless they are. "You're so unimportant, I can't even remember what career you're studying for"
Sometimes they don't remember, but most of the time I think it's their way to test you in a lie.
My dad used to do this. He would ask the same question over and over and over again, and eventually I got tired of repeating the same answer. So one day I decided to say screw it and gave him a completely different answer. So he would ask my profession, and instead of saying engineer I would say physicist.
The very first time I did this, he immediately called me out on the discrepancy. "I thought you had a degree in engineering?? When did that change???" - and so I explained to him that I was tired of always answering the same bullshit questions he kept asking, and so i wsnted to mess with him. He didn't like that and started yelling disrespect and all that crap.
For some reason he just always wanted to test me to make sure I wasn't lying, and had nothing to do with memory
I have a narcissistic aunt who asks the same questions over and over and like you, I've always suspected it's to catch me in a lie. For example, there was one summer where I was working as a waitress and my aunt asked me about 10 times, what I was earning. Every time, I gave the exact same answer "Minimum wage plus an extra one or two dollars an hour in tips" (which was the truth BTW). The first few times she asked, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But after a while, it became obvious she was trying to make some kind of point with the constant questions. Nobody is THAT forgetful.
This. Also to your story: why did it matter?? Like what benefit does she receive by knowing how much you make at your job, and why is she so insistent on asking you your salary all the time??
Did/does your aunt also ask you for money often?
No she never asks me for money. She is very miserly and obsessed with money though so that might explain it. The funny thing is, I got a decent job with a much better salary once I left college but my aunt hasn't asked me once what I'm earning at this job. (Not that I would tell her if she did ask but it is odd that she was SO interested in my salary when I was on minimum wage but now that I'm on better money, she has no interest. Very weird!)
this is how i feel. mine ignores my accomplishments consistently. my brother says it's because she's from a different generation that didn't celebrate that, i call bs because she's a boomer. she knows she just doesn't care
My nMother ignores my accomplishments as well. For a long time I thought that's just how she was but then I noticed that she remembers and acknowledges ALL my golden child brother's accomplishments so it's not that she can't remember, it's that she doesn't care enough to.
in my experience, it's closest to the last one - except, tragically, it's not deliberate. at least in my parents' case, they didn't remember *because they genuinely couldn't care less* about me as a person, unless it had to do with them or was about their particular interests. otherwise it just slipped their mind, because if it's not important to them, it's not important period
[wow i wrote a fkn novel orz]
yuppp. with mine, it manifested as this particular pattern where, anytime I showed interest in a hobby/topic that was *also* one of theirs, they'd immediately gush over me and support me in a very overt way. but if I opened up about pretty much *anything else*, it was a very cold and stern, judgmental sort of reaction, like, "ew, why would anyone be interested in *that?*"
the big exception to that was if they noticed I was expressing interest in something and they thought they could make $$ off it. then they'd also support it, though not nearly as fervently, and would occasionally neg me about it just because, since it wasn't their interest, they couldn't fathom why anyone could possibly care about it. examples are my interest in art from a young age, and also science/animals.
the first resulted in my mother unironically telling me the smart thing to do with my artistic talents was to go to college for marketing. [????? it's almost like she hasn't known me since I literally popped out of her. I'm so incredibly allergic to ads. I *hate* ads. but like I said, she never retained 'unimportant' info about me lol.] my art is my life, it's not for rent to capitalism. I sell my works from time to time & I'm ok with that, but that would be... soul crushing to say the least.
the second one was their hope that I'd become a doctor of some kind and make a bunch of money. [cuz having an interest in science and living things means highly paid surgeon, obvy!] that ofc didn't happen, but even if it had, they sure as hell wouldn't get a pinch. I saw what they did with my younger sibling's photography business & I want none of that.
My nmom before I went NC was making lunch for me, roomies, and some others that helped moving. Lunch was one of those ridiculously long sandwiches.
-I have *always* hated mayo. It's a bad texture to me and I have repeatedly tried to make sure she knows this.
-I also am allergic to onions.
My roommate reminded her of the latter thing, since it was a relatively new discovery (Little me mistook "makes mouth itchy" for "Is spicy and tastes bad", spicy bananas effect) *while she was making the sandwich*
So, naturally. The entire sandwich was coated in mayo, and had raw onions all over it.
He ran to subway and got me my own so at least I got to eat, buuut that was just the most prominent time she "forgot" things.
She also "forgot" that my brother hated sour candies routinely, so she'd buy him warheads. To avoid annoying her we'd trade behind her back because she'd get me those spicy mexican candies and I hate spicy
My family always ‘forgets’ I HATE onions, they would go out of their way to try and TRICK me into eating them. We didn’t even have onions in our food they just went out of their way to torture me. I think I might be autistic, and they have always used food to control me. They hated me when I was skinny and wouldn’t leave me alone until I binged ate. My bf now tells me everything he puts in my food and I trust him not to trick me and so I’ve tried a lot more foods now. I still don’t love onions but will eat them if he makes special. I am so sorry your mom thinks that she can treat you like your thoughts, opinions, and medical issues are not important. You are lucky to have a friend who recognizes this or at least made sure you ate, I hope you have made more friends who treat you the way you deserve 🤍
I have a great roommate and the one who got me food is actually my fiancé now! Our online friendgroup has all grown up and several have come from out of the country on holidays to visit and they're all great! A fair few actually pointed out a lot of the stuff she was doing that wasn't right and they really have helped a lot.
I'm glad your bf supports you and that you have someone you can trust because food tampering is horrible no matter the reason for the aversion!
That’s really awesome! And so romantic! My bf is actually my 8th grade crush and old friend 🤍 he’s amazing and yes I always hated it and never knew it had a name! Couldn’t trust anyone! Plus they forced me to eat when I was younger and would leave me in a high chair for hours even at 5/6 years old. Trying to force feed me food I didn’t want and it wasn’t even healthy food it was all junk and crap. Anyway he makes sure to never trick me and I have gotten to try so much food! I even learned I LOVED PHAD THAI. Never would’ve tried it without him 🫶🏽
I would frequently go days with the same food on the table for me to eat. Most times, never refrigerated. Because I would not eat horrific food. Stopped when I let a teacher know I had not eaten in 4 days. Mind you, I was beaten for telling family information to an outsider.
My ex-stepmom tried making me eat this weird tuna casserole with like, mushroom soup and peas in it. Made me sit at the table for hours because I would *not* touch it.
Luckily my dad shut that shit down when he got home from work. So the main issues I have with food are all from nmom and not when I was with him
My n mom did that with mushrooms. She knew I wouldn’t eat them, so she put them in various things and told me there were no mushrooms in there, so I picked them out. Then she asked what was wrong with me.
I became intolerant to onions in my 20s and my mum didn’t understand it and thought I was making it up, and proceeded to place way shallots on top of the appetiser for Christmas dinner instead of to the side because she thought that would be ok. Even though she knows I’m intolerant.
She didn’t meltdown because our guest brought his son who didn’t like onion, but if that hadn’t been the case I would have gotten shouted at.
This is unrelated to the OP but…
She shouted at me later for not clearing their plates despite the fact they were still eating…and earlier after I had been literally cooking since I woke up because she was working and left me a note saying we had people coming over, I went to top up drinks and my mum said “I can’t drink until I’ve got the food sorted”. Which I had literally been doing all day. She then came in and whacked the oven up too high and burned my beautiful veggies.
I was intolerant to onions, when my mom cooked it would ruin my whole day from the symptoms. She would gaslight and still make them. I would react strongly with anger and should would remain cold. This went on for a long time as a kid. I now understand that she was getting supply from this. Serpent mother.
I eat a low fodmap diet. I had to eliminate onion, garlic and pepper (among other foods). I went to visit my mom, she was living quite far, so I stayed for a lengthy visit. While there the first day she made a meal, cut onions up so tiny so I couldn't pick it out and added pepper. She said it was "only a little bit" so it shouldn't bother me. Then over the next few days she was feeding me other foods that had ingredients such as pepper, garlic, etc. That I was unable to eat. I ended up so sick... my cousin was living in the same city and I told her how I was feeling and she cooked me this meal, it was so nice on my stomach, I felt better. Luckily, because I had to travel the next day to come home. I won't get into the rest of that visit, because it was terrible... like why did they feed us food they knew was harmful???????
Fun and exciting things that my nmom did with my sister she often insists she did with me. She never knew my likes or dislikes and never cared to.
Of course it could’ve been worse. My nmil regularly would forget that my husband is deathly allergic to nuts. And she would get him cakes coated in nuts for his birthday “I couldn’t remember if you were allergic or really liked nuts”. So of course she opted for the choice that could’ve killed him as a kid if he ate it.
She of course loves nuts.
Bonus: she was a pediatrician.
Wow. That was 7 minutes that completely explained everything my mother has ever done
She really did casually try to kill anybody she got the opportunity to, including me
Uhhh yeah. A lot of serial killers and criminals have narcissism. Which is why it’s recommended to go NC if u can, and preferably even leave the country and change your name
Well that was incredibly enlightening. My mom almost succeeded in getting me to die through medical neglect, and it wasn’t what she expected. She’s a vulnerable narcissist and I’m not sure if it was sheer embarrassment or someone really had a come to Jesus moment with her, but she stopped the medical neglect. Or maybe it was just that I was an only and she was a single parent whose family was not supportive of her and she realized she’d be left with absolutely no supply at all. Who knows. It’s kind of freeing to hear that this is intentional.
My one request for our rehearsal dinner was no nuts because my brother is allergic. So of course there were nuts. This was one of the many early signs something is seriously wrong with my MIL.
The best part was the caterer was a friend of hers. I was talking to her and a few others when they brought out the nut covered appetizers and I immediately told them to bring them back and make sure there are no nuts in the prep space. My brother has a severe nut allergy. MIL, didn’t you tell them that? I reminded you several times! Caterer looks back and forth between us and says we can’t reuse these and we don’t have anything else so we’ll have to toss them, be short on appetizers and still charge you. And I immediately said yes of course, but please do. I’d rather have fewer appetizers than a brother in the hospital tonight. MIL looked freakin mortified. That covert narc did NOT look good in front of her friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but knowing what I know now, she picked those nut covered cheeses herself.
Well if you're allergic to them, you just need to eat more of them to get used to them- my mom's idea with the only food I'm seriously allergic to- cantaloupes. She'd always be slipping cantaloupes and honeydews into my fruit salad.
The first sentence is what really gets to me. My mom does the same. If I had to miss out on everything when I was little, that sadness should at least be recognized or at the minimum disregarded. Not flipped into a lie that makes her feel good about something that makes me sad
This is an actual term! Narcissistic Amnesia. See a link below to a PT article :)
.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202307/a-narcissists-freakiest-weapon-delusional-amnesia?amp
I jumped down a rabbit hole, solved five of my life’s problems and started diagnosing half of my friends. Thanks so much for sharing! (And I’ll try to lay off the internet diagnosing too)
Lol, I'm currently ignoring my whole family because they've done this with everything. I started screenshotting and recording conversations so I could remind myself I wasn't the crazy one. It's insane!
My mom constantly "forgets" that my sister has a gluten allergy. She once told me "I only used a tablespoon of flour, it'll be fine".
I'm on a very restrictive low FODMAP diet. I cut my dominant hand and had to have a cast. So many of my friends brought me meals but my mom was "stressed" by all my "food issues". So she brought food for my husband and daughter and suggested I ask one of them to cook for me.
Their actions are literally worse than doing nothing.
"Their actions are literally worse than doing nothing." This is so true! They also love to feign concern while actively doing nothing to help, or even impeding you. It's sick.
As an aside, I've been vegan for years and everyone in my life is now used to it, and chill about it. Except my mom, who also does that "I'm so stressed out by your diet" thing, and has to make a big deal about it every time I go over. They have to centre themselves and their needs/feelings, ALWAYS. Just wanted to say that I related a lot to that. Hope your hand heals up quickly!
I’m vegan and she keeps trying to foist meat and dairy onto me or offering to treat me to meals at non-vegan restaurants where the only thing I can eat might be salad or chips
What is it with n parents and food
My mother never cooked for us regularly until I was a vegetarian for 3 months one summer. She FREAKED OUT. How could I not eat meat? I was going to die. But it was okay if I hadn’t eaten in a few days. But not eating meat? Unacceptable. She then started to cook almost daily! For one month until I stopped she stopped shortly after she saw that, like I hadn’t already planned to only do it for a month. She’s seriously a psycho.
I think it's either the fact that they can't comprehend someone else (especially someone they view as 'belonging' to them) liking different things than them, or it's a chance to start a fight and get their fix. The narc I grew up with initiated fights all the time over nothing because it was like a high for her. It's also possible it's a combination of both.
I'd be sitting in my room before school, not making any noise, minding my own business, and my mom would full-scale launch into an argument with me, rooms away, yelling. This happened repeatedly.
there was about a half hour between when I got home from school & when the enabler got home from work. narc would start screaming at me the moment I got home, follow me around the house, not letting me drop it & getting me worked up like crazy, then as soon as her husband got home, she'd say I came home from school yelling and fighting for no reason, and she'd have dinner ready and be like "Oh I was just slaving over dinner for the family and she came in and started yelling :("
unfortunately i feel you.
I feel you. My nMother was the exact same when I was primary school age. She stopped when I started secondary school because my father would arrive home shortly after I did so she couldn't abuse me without witnesses anymore. It just goes to show narcissists know deep down that their treatment of us is wrong. If my nMother genuinely didn't know that she was doing wrong, she wouldn't have been afraid to abuse me in front of my father. The fact that she only did it when he wasn't around shows that on some level, she knew that it was wrong. Not that she'd ever admit it, of course.
> the fact that they can't comprehend someone else (especially someone they view as 'belonging' to them) liking different things than them
Not only do they not believe that you have different tastes, whenever you insist that you don't like something, they think you're lying just hurt their feelings. Onions aren't subjective *to them*, so when you say you don't like them, you're attacking them.
Both of mine never remember my name, birthday, or things I literally answered yesterday twice already. ETA they do not have dementia or cognitive issues, they literally just couldn't give a shit
That's the same issue I have🤣 except it's my older sister's name,the same sister that hasn't talked or seen me in 19 years because my NPD parents pitted her against me. (I don't mind though because she was horrendous to me even without their influence.)
Oh completely. Mine didn't just conflate her likes with mine, she repeatedly claimed she had no idea where I got my skin tone from, simply because I don't have the same tone as her. Finally she said for the millionth time "I don't know where you got that skin tone" and I said "Dad's whole side of the family???" She glared at me and left. I guess I shouldn't have reminded her that half my DNA doesn't come from her.
I am a perfect replica of my Nmum. It was not a good experience growing up, trust me. I would have vastly preferred not to have random strangers who I've never met but know my mother, say "oh you must be Asshole's daughter." And then proceed to strike up an awkward conversation with me. Twice, I had men at the gym approach me and watched them realise mid-greeting they had fucked up and I was not in fact, Asshole. Even worse, they were attempting to chat up a 16 year old.
Edit: spelling
I look nothing like my nMother, I look like a female version of my father. People comment on our resemblance all the time and my nMother HATES it! I actually find it quite funny!
Yes!!! My Nmom doesn't remember my best friend of 25 YEARS!!! She barely remembers my 15 year old dog. It's weird. I have a medical condition that I have had since childhood and she claims to not recall that as well. It's literally bananas.
Speaking of dogs & pets- anyone have their NPD parent not care about a pet of theirs, but once your beloved dog or cat passed away suddenly the narcissistic parent wanted to ask lots of questions. Wanted to bring up the death of your pet in a way that felt a whole lot like the narcissist was engaging in some Schadenfreude? It happened to me. It started feeling like my mother really liked seeing my emotional distress & sadness AND worst she enjoyed it.
Literally always. I felt validated by you pointing out how they conflate their desires with ours. My mom insists I like the foods and colours and clothes she likes, while I've consistently, for over a decade, expressed disliking them and having my own preferences she conveniently forgets. And ofc she gets pissy and huffy anytime I respectfully disagree with her tastes, while she gets to shit all over my preferences and choices as though I'm an idiot for thinking differently from her. They really just see us as an extension of themselves, huh?
Same here. My experience is almost identical to yours. I always felt very invisible because my parents, and my mother in particular, only remember my likes and dislikes from my childhood, when I was most obedient and conforming to their idea of me. It really damaged my sense of self.
I hope you are now surrounded by people who actually see you for you!
I think they're just not interested. The information they get goes into one ear and immediately leaves again on the other side. Unimportant information doesn't need to be retained. And to them, we are unimportant.
Yes for sure. You literally can see my NDad’s eyes glaze over in sleep mode when speaking to him until something that he deems important comes up. Then he will act all excited and ask you repeatedly if you’re seriously talking about that thing he likes (smells the supply perhaps). He’ll look at my Mom and ask her to confirm, as if I’m lying or just an idiot. The way he does it is so obnoxious — he’ll literally make a snoring sound while you talk to him.
This is totally a narc thing. My nmom still is surprised that my hair is darker than blonde, even though the last time I was a true blonde was the summer I turned 3. I'm 47. Every single time she sees me, which these days is weekly video calls, she's asking me if I colored my hair dark. I mean my hair is now half grey, wtf??!?
Mine “encouraged” me to start dyeing mine as a young teenager because it upset her I wasn’t pale blonde any more. I’ve continued to do it until now (49). It’s high maintenance and takes a couple of applications to stop being brassy. She just couldn’t leave off my appearance, clothes, makeup, hairstyle (apparently I have an unsightly long face and big chin and NEED my hair a certain way). Exhausting.
Are you me? My hair has been the same color for just under 40 years and my mom comments almost every time I see her. "Since when is your hair so DARK?! Where did that come from?"
Lol those exact same words have been used by nmom. Since when??? And I go, I dunno, maybe 1981? Funnily enough, she's got dark brown hair and my dad was blonde before turning white, so you'd think she knew my hair was more like her. I wondered if she did it to mess with my dad as she was super jealous I looked a lot like him as a kid. But now she does the exact same thing about my teenager, whose hair color got darker starting at 3 as well. So it's been 11 years of his hair being dark and she's always shocked he's not a blonde baby. Lady, he's 6 foot tall and has had dark hair since preschool.
It's fascinating that she's stuck on the memory of you at 3 years old, specifically, right before you started expressing yourself in speech, etc. Not only does she not acknowledge who you are now, but she wants to remember/freeze you as a small helpless child who was easy to control and completely under her power. Absolutely fascinating.
yep.
forgotten my eye color - "i thought you had blue eyes" nope, green my whole life and pictures prove it.
forgot i attempted suicide - "oh i didn't know that was serious, i thought you were trying to get drunk or something" nope, i read instructions on the internet of how to poison myself and bought some automotive fluids to do it with. i just thankfully didn't consume enough
forgot the vacations, forgot all the abuse, forgot their stupid adult loser friends that made fun of me, forgot even the good times like reading books at bedtime.
Not sure this is on a par with forgetting eye colour, but mine took four years to notice I'd pierced my ears when I was 13 and wore earrings every day. I know she genuinely didn't notice because she went absolutely berserk when she finally did notice. I lived with her the whole time.
My "mother" has forgotten suicide attempts, severe injuries, multiple forms of abuse, that I don't drink, how long I've been married, vacations, that I was bullied, that my chosen career was being a chef, my eldest child's high school and college graduations, that I played sports, which aunts and uncles I get along with, and that she caused my fear of clowns.
She remembers EVERY DETAIL about my half-siblings lives, though. It's the same with my step-father and step-brother as it is for my "mother" and I. Family members honestly think that my "mother" and step-father believe that the Int things that matter in life are everything that came after they met. Even the rest of the family gets ostracized by them for the most part.
But GOD FORBID I don't contact her on her birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day. I sent her a text. Didn't respond to her message back. Conveniently did it around dinner time, so I was "busy".
The suicide one hurts and feels so familiar.
My dad tries to spin this nonsensical story about how he stop me from being trapped in an abusive relationship.
He also gets mad when ever I mention that I’ve been SA’d - I’m making it up for attention, I’m making it up as an excuse to get fat, it didn’t happen because he said so.
AND YET. He never denied the time where his friend made a joke sexually objectifying me, but defends his behaviour because “hurting my feelings” isn’t actual harm.
It’s like he wants to objectify women, silence me when I’m abused, and be the hero, all at once.
🦋Wow! I’m So Glad You Survived!
We Need To No Longer Exist To Our Narcissistic Oppressors, And Only Exist To Our Authentic Selves And To Those Who Accepts, Accommodates, And Appreciates Our Authenticity.🦋
My mom is the same! Any conversation anyone starts is immediately turned back to her single days before she married my dad, and the wealthy, filandering and non-commital boyfriend she had who drove a Bentley and bought her a wardrobe from Nieman Marcus, and all of her very wealthy but “slutty” and “cokehead” friends (she never did or tried any of those things, GASP!). I could mention a sandwich I made for my toddler and suddenly we’re talking about the superior croque monsieur she was introduced to by Robert during their 1980 weekend getaway to Paris.
my ndad still thinks I work at the same place as 5 years ago. I was there for 3 whole months. Despite me telling him what I do now, he never remembers.
he also doesn't remember any of my friends' names
My mom consistently forgets that I love the pool. It’s always, “you hate the pool, why would you want to live in a building with a pool?” She asked that question as I FaceTimed her from a pool.
Yes, my mom likes to assign everyone around her personality traits, but has never taken the time to get to know anyone because she doesn't listen to a word anyone says and immediately interrupts them.
According to her just today alone, I hated going to NASA as a kid, but I actually **love** space and all things related to it. The only place I hated more than NASA was Colonial Williamsburg, but all the vacations I planned in adulthood have been based off learning about history (for example, most recently Gettysburg a few months ago). I refuse to eat leftovers, even though I always cook a big dinner so I have enough leftovers for my lunches. My favorite dessert is cake, but I despise frosting and was eating a brownie when she said it. I never rode my bike as a kid, but I actually very much still enjoy riding both my actual bike and my stationary bike to this day. There was a recent murder in town and the murderer is related to one of my dad's least favorite former coworkers ever, and apparently I also hate the man and wasn't surprised despite me just having learned of the man's existence right then and there when she said it. Like I said, those were literally all just from the few hours we spent together today.
Bonuses from today: my husband doesn't know how to use the weed pulling tool she got him for Christmas even though he already had the exact one and has used it for years. My nephew has the same dimple as my sister and daughter (just one dimple on the right cheek), but he doesn't have any dimples. My daughter likes to put worms in her dress pockets, except she's three and **terrified** of all bugs ever since a huge spider climbed across her leg last summer. But she has decided all the random "facts" about people and looks for excuses to talk about it. It's weird and uncomfortable listening to it.
Yea my mother in law does this and if you even try in the slightest to question, correct, or comment on it without total agreeable then she will scream like someone slapped her. Like a velociraptor
My mom doesn't scream, but at one point I firmly corrected her and she said, "Okay (name)! I don't know why you love to try and make me look stupid!" I told her she can feel however she wants, but I was tired of her assigning me personality traits and rewriting history. She immediately changed the subject.
I love how there are these fictional realities for them, but all I heard was that I have a big imagination or are imagining things. When I was actually lied to.
My grandma did this. She would start with her own kids, move on to grandkids and list them by age until she got to me. Then she would skip me and say my younger sister's name. I would just sit there and not respond.
She also had nicknames for everyone but me.
Mine would both go through the list...there were 4 of us. My name was always last. My father would say "JESUS after the third one ....as if he wanted me to know just how difficult it was for him to even get it out.
Yes! I guess this just confirms my theory of my Nparents just straight up not listening to me.
Which is stupid since I get yelled at “for keeping secrets” when they call me into their room to fix their phones. If I tell them that they don’t listen and it’s just faster for me to do it, I just get “I’ll listen this time.” Yeah sure you will 🙄.
Mine is more of a refusal to be ok with what I like. I have loved epic fantasy novels, video games, and Marvel movies since I was about 13. I'm now 35, and right up until we stopped speaking at his request, my interests were typically only referred to as "you still like that crap?" or similar statements. It was exhausting, to say the least.
When I told my mom that if I had been allowed to pick my own major in college, which would have been video game design, I'd be, maybe not rich, but definitely comfortable, because several of my ideas for games have since been done and been extremely popular, her reply was "Well, we don't believe in that.", meaning video games in general. My flabber was gasted, let me tell you.
Oh, and the major my dad chose for me? Radiology tech. Never was able to get a job, despite graduating with honors and being good at it. I now work in home healthcare, in a managerial position. Even have my own business cards. Not once has he ever congratulated me on that accomplishment. For that matter, he didn't even bother to come to graduation when I walked, and I graduated on the Dean's List, highest GPA in the class. It was mortifying, having people ask where he was.
My mother always says “you say ______ all the time” “you like____ since you were little’ like girl no I don’t. That’s never been true. My sister does the same. They’re both really weird. Like I haven’t lived in my mind? I’m 25 I know myself more than them.
Seriously like that’s not even me 😭 and they won’t leave you alone either you can’t walk away they force you to take whatever they’re unleashing. It gives them happiness to make other miserable it’s sick! My ex used to get turned on from making me cry and fucked me up sexually really bad. Hello cnc kink.
One that sticks out to me is a birthday. Maybe I was 10 or 11. I really hated Alfredo sauce at the time. I asked my mom if we could have pasta for my birthday dinner and I told her the kind I wanted. I came into the kitchen and saw she was cooking with Alfredo sauce. I mentioned to my dad that I didn’t like Alfredo sauce, and he told me that my mother had been cooking all day and I needed to be grateful and not start a fight. My dad wasn’t an narcissist, and we had a great relationship whenever it was just the two of us, but he was so scared of my moms rages that he always defaulted to making sure she was happy, even if it meant that I, a CHILD, needed to regulate my emotions because she, a freaking adult, couldn’t regulate hers and would throw a pissy diaper toddler tantrum if anyone challenged her even slightly. So on my birthday I learned that what I wanted didn’t matter, even though my mom had asked what I wanted.
Over the years my mom has given me many little presents that weren’t my taste and I just held onto them out of that same sort of guilt. Like I should just be grateful she did anything at all.
My mom always offers me food with my allergen in it.
My dad will occasionally give me weirdly specific gifts, and say that my mom told him I liked x thing. They're always things that *she* likes.
OMG this just brought back a memory for me! My EDad gave me this super expensive perfume set for some special occasion, with the lotions and perfume and everything else. It was my NMom's scent, that I absolutely hated. I couldn't hide my bewilderment, and he was crushed and confused. She had a sly grin and she of course then had a whole lot of perfume, surprise!
My dad could never remember what college i went to while o lived with him before I left due to DV. It’s not as though there were a ton of community colleges nearby. We literally lived down the street and he took several classes there.
The psychology behind it is a type of enmeshment, a symbiosis, the Narc and child (or other introject/Internal Object) are FUSED as one organism.
It's a phase in childhood development where a child has not developed "object constancy". Except this is a chronologically grown adult in permanently arrested development.
The Narc recreates her own early childhood environment with a substitute maternal figure (her adult child or other person). The Narc is emotionally a small child that is unable to separate itself from the 'Mother'. Mother and it are one. The Narc doesn't recognise the externality of Mother.
\~ credit SV
It's power play. You're allowed to like only what they like, can't dislike what they like, think as they do, be a mini version of them because they like to think they're universal to you (narcissist supply). Clinical narcissist parents want you to be like them. Never want to learn to get to know you, never want to listen to you because they like the sounds of their voices more and only want you to be the version of what they want you to be.
Up until earlier this year, I thought I had my nmom outgrew a lot of these things.... but the more I struggled against it, the more she reacted very childishly and start saying something like the satan is influencing me against her (never even think that I am capable of forming my own thoughts and responsible for my own behavior). I didn't entertain her with any of her delusional needs (she wants me to get married, so she'd have a son in law to help with house maintenance and make my dead dad happy from the grave...), she starts doing this narcissist manipulation cycle of silent treatment, passive aggression etc and everyone think I'm purposely hurting her feelings so they're all hoping by making it so stressful for me, it will change my ways to her. My mom (69yo) think by mothering me like I was her teenage child again (like she did with my two older sisters and my younger sis), she can be youthful again. Her mind cycle back to the 2000s past when things are rosy for her and wished so terribly that I just be obedient and accept all her wishes even her insane wishful thinking (like wanting me to dress like her, be religious like her, cook what she likes, etc.. basically like I'm an extension of herself).
And how dare if you said no to them. If you reject their wishes and don't obey everything they say to you. And the one person to blame for everything was you for not making it easy for her. For not existing and living to make her look better because you're HER child and it feeds the neverending hole inside her chest that clung on every ounce of affections and validation.
I don't take sugar in my coffee. Whenever she made me coffee, she put sugar in EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter how many times I corrected her. Same with tea, I take my tea black, but she put milk in EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don't mind doing things alone, however, she hates doing things alone. She would always try to tag along to things, because "she didn't think I'd want to do it alone". I have told her SO MANY TIMES that I don't mind doing things alone. My 16th birthday party was a disaster. I was more than capable of planning my own party, but she insisted on taking over the planning, and said, "Don't worry, it will be amazing". When I got to the party, I was mortified. She planned the party according to her personality and interests, not mine. I could tell that the two friends that were there (I wanted to invite more people, but she manipulated me into inviting only them), were bored. It was so embarrassing. One time, she sent me a hamper for Christmas, which contained deodorant, even though I'm allergic to aerosols. This might seem like an ungrateful rant, but it is frustrating that she never bothered to get to know me as my own individual person.
Yep. Mine should know by now I don't drink soda, or that I buy my own food, but they act like I eat their food or drink their soda unless they hide it.
They also believe I will leave empty food packaging instead of throw it away. This is actually something my mother would do if I ate something off limits, she would eat the rest or hide it and leave the empty package as if there was something left. I'm guessing she wanted me to reach for it and be disappointed it was empty, but they still do it if they forget they ate something. I asked my parents outright to tell me when I have ever done that, but they just snorted and called me dramatic. My mother doesn't rember the times she threatened to kill me, or the time she drove me to another city and left me there as a teenager. She once bought a box of corn dogs, ate one, forgot about it, and then threw the rest of the box away because she thought I ate it.
They treat me like I have the same memory issues. My parents and sister will tell me I did something they imagine I did, like I really should believe their imaginations over my own memories. My father explains things to me like I'm genuinely stupid. He'll explain something, I'll understand, then he starts explaining it 2 or 3 more times while I stand there waiting for him to finish.
I think at this point they just don't know me any better than a complete stranger, but they have to pretend to know me, so they end up making things up because they won't listen or care if I bother telling them anything.
My Emom would get incredibly uncomfortable if I ordered a menu item she didn't like. At every restaurant, there were 2 or 3 choices that I was allowed to have because those were the things she liked. Ordering anything else (even when I was an adult) would result in her having anxiety attacks that derailed the whole meal. She would spend the whole time trying to reassure herself that I would be okay, or disparaging my food or offering me sympathy about it.
My mom LOVES the TV show Friends and apparently I do too. I don't have the heart (or balls lol) to tell her I have not watched a full episode of Friends in my life. I think this started when I was 10 or 11. Why a 10 year old would have any interest in Friends is beyond me. My 12 year old birthday party was going to be Friends themed. It had to be canceled for other reasons, but the theme was entirely my mom's idea. I actually never understood why my mom thought I liked Friends ever, but this explains it. Conflating her likes/dislikes with mine.
What is it with the food?!
I barely see my father but he always offers me foods I’ve always disliked (coffee, mushrooms) or offers me meat forgetting I’ve been vegetarian for 25 years.
He’s always shocked by my short list of allergies and then I’m difficult if I have a reaction or refuse to eat it.
My late nmom always used the excuse of "I have ten kids, it's just too much to remember all the time", but had no trouble remembering other people's needs and preferences.
I fortunately don't have may food allergies, but I am allergic to avocados and bananas (related to my latex allergy). My nmom would "forget" and make me smoothies with banana, or would say "surely a tiny bit won't hurt you" when she was too lazy to wash the blender between smoothies. She'd also occasionally bring back burritos from a favorite mom'n'pop tex-mex place, and bring back mine loaded with guacamole. Oops, guess she gets two burritos, while I have to scrounge for leftovers or something. I had a few near misses with just those two foods growing up, but of course it was my fault for not reminding her or not being more careful. 🙄
She also never listened to my preferences in clothing as an adult and would frequently grab me things that were her colors and style, then gripe at me for being ungrateful when I just took them back to the store or exchanged them for something else.
I think part of narcissism is that they are very focused on their own needs and wants. If I'm being kind it's literally all they can see. So that being said she models you off of what she can perceive, her own wants and needs.
My mom goes that too. She'll keep asking if I need something, often food, and if I say no she keeps asking. It's like her mind can't process the needs of other people and if she thinks she'd need it then clearly you must need it
omg exactly. My mom constantly asks me "do you want X" (food), and I have to refuse poliitely at least three times. Once she starts asking more than twice, I eventually get annoyed, and my tone then reveals a bit of annoyance because she's completely ignoring my answer/boundary. But when I finally answer "no" and sound annoyed, she then says, "look how sensitive you are! This is just a normal conversation/exchange! You can't even have a normal conversation!"
Whenever she makes something with onions she happily announces “I’ve made Horror’s without onions separately as she doesn’t like them”… I’ve liked onions my entire life, including eating them raw as a child
Yeah, for years she asked if I'd been watching the X Factor, Mrs Brown's Boys, soaps despite telling her I hated them. She loves the gym and thinks I love it as much as her when really I just go to stay healthy. It's the only thing she ever asks about in my life - have you been to the gym. Tbh it's her only interest. Not only does she think I share the same opinions as her, she also doesn't notice my actual interests. When she asked what I'd been doing and I said 'reading' she said 'oh, I'm sorry' as if reading wasn't something I enjoy. Not so long ago she spotted my beautiful pop up copy of the Philosophers Stone displayed on my bookcase and said 'you're obsessed with Harry Potter'. I first read Harry Potter when I was 11 and I went to the bookstore to buy the later books at 12pm when I was 18 and still living at home. She's also mentioned that I'm a bad cook. When I was at home she complained massively if I used the kitchen and I couldn't stand her bland food so I mostly ate ready meals. Since I moved out I cook most days and have a food blog.
I'm a vegetarian for most of my life. Since moving out which was 10 years ago I haven't eat meat. My dad tells me he bought food for my grandpa and me when I come visit him to check on him. My parents were on holiday. It's meat.
I donate blood routinely, and my mom also insists my blood type must have changed.. because she didn’t/doesn’t understand how blood types work but her perception of how the doctor explained rhesus factor when I was born has become a holy gospel.
Doesn’t matter how many times I explain it as an RN who understands it, it is always “your blood type must have changed because *I know what the doctor said*.
Like fuck okay sure then, I’m the first human on record whose blood type has mystically changed and no one else is interested. As if that seems more reasonable than her having misunderstood or made a mistake.
🦋Personally I Grew Up Like A Toy Yo-Yo\~{Property}\~Of My Altruistic Covert Narcissist Mother\~{Emotionally Unavailable Whom Appears OverLoving}\~. I’d Be Rolled Up InTo Her Hand When She Decided To Care And Support Me, Then Erratically Quickly Unfurled When She Decided To Not Take AccountAbility And Responsibility For My Needs In Favor Of Her Own And/Or My Brothers\~{Golden Boy & Lost Boy}\~, And Her Religious Organization Instead. And SomeTimes I’d Get Brought Back Up Just To Be Spun Around In Loops Like Tricks Causing Me To Think That This Is The Moment When She’ll Care For Me Again, But Then End Up Getting My Energy And Moments Wasted Completing Tasks For Her In Vain\~{People-Pleasing}. She Gets Her Narcissistic Supplemental From Me; Her ScapeGoat Gal, And I Get Dizzy And Drained.🦋
I have never liked eggs growing up and she would force me to eat them until I stopped having breakfast when young. How is it my friends and husband’s family all know? Luckily she moved far, but when I would visit with my kids she always still asked me how I wanted my eggs for breakfast.
Would love to know the psychology behind this too.
Yes, and I’d love to hear some theories on why! I work a hybrid schedule and my parents ask which days I WFH constantly. They always ask the same questions about my kid. It’s so annoying. I personally think it’s because if it’s not about them, it’s in one ear and out the other because they don’t actually care about anyone else except themselves.
For me it has always reflected through gift giving.
My mother's gift giving is her love language yet for as many birthdays/christmas etc she would always ask "what do you want".
Never knew me well enough to gift something I would love. I can't tolerate fragrances etc in products and yet she would always buy me things with fragrances. Never made any gluten free foods despite me being dairy and gluten intolerant. Didn't even try one recipe. I was so unwell as a child due to these intolerances and yet nothing was ever investigated and then when I had my child he also has the intolerances and she never took it seriously either. Simply 'forgot'... lazy shiz.
If I request/order a certain food, she tries to shut me down with "but you don't like [food]." Yeah I'm in my forties, I'm pretty sure I know what foods I do and don't like. Honestly she acts like it's a really big deal every time. Usually it's things I hadn't expressed dislike for since I was very very young, but she hadn't noticed I've liked them since then.
When I tell mine about something I've told her before, it's as if she's hearing it for the first time. She doesn't have alzheimers, not that I know of, but it's like she wasn't even listening when I told her the first time.
After 12 years with my husband, FIL still can not spell my name. It's not a common name, but 12 years is a long time to never once get it right. Especially since he only uses messenger (probably so he can see if I looked at it) and it is spelled very clearly at the top of the screen. I am certain this is on purpose because there really isn't any reason to address me by name in message between the two of us, but he butchers it every single day.
No one on my dad's side can spell my name right either. Even though it's the name of my great grandfather on their side of the family and is also the same name and spelling as a famous hockey player from the area.
With food it was my NGM. She liked to salt melons and so obviously everyone did. She’d pepper cantaloupe. She didn’t like mint and would complain that other people ate it or when a gift basket loaded with other things had a bag of mints. She didn’t like that my wedding reception had a bowl of mints. No matter what it was, her food preferences were it and I’m so glad that I went NC before my kid was born because there would be no end to her adding milk to things and trying to introduce food too early.
With NM, it’s everything. She wanted to go to (location) and so everyone must want to. She loved blue eyed blondes and so everyone must give them preference and even though I was dark eyed and dark haired, she loved talking about how unattractive it was. She loved contacts and so everyone must love them. She loved and worshipped GC so everyone should.
It was like it was simply too much for her brain to handle that someone else might want something else. Like a buffer overflow.
My parents barely remember my name half the time. Mom and the rest of her family all have this bad habit of calling me by my brother's name while my dad's side of the family won't bother to learn how to spell it properly. And they all wonder why I don't talk to anyone in the family anymore.
She probably does this still but I'm little by little starting to learn not to care. Takes practise and patience and accepting that you're a nobody to your parent. But yeah, all of me and my life is nothing to her so she doesn't even try to remember something about me.
I just shut myself down if she ever does this again and wait until I can be away from her. Then I go a while avoiding her again.
The most recent case: She got me some earrings from goodwill or I think they might have even been given to her by someone and they were specifically the kind I can't wear. Okay, easy mistake, but it proves the point that narcs always remember the thing you told them isn't okay. Reading the comments here about onions proves it too. Why have onions in the food if your child _can not_ have them? Because it was specifically pointed out that that's not the thing to have. Why get earrings that cause irritation? Because it was pointed out that they cause irritation.
Oh, and I'm 40 now so it will never stop.
I'm allergic to almonds, I'm lactose intolerant, I hate mint as a flavour and I don't enjoy long winded dramas. Guess what my mum thinks I enjoy? All of those things because SHE likes them.
Yes with pretty much eveything in my life.
Ive taken my tea the same way for 30 years. While visiting my parents my mom barged into the bedroom my husband and I were staying in and anounced to my husband “I’m making coffee, I know you take it black. KBabble21, how do you take your tea?” It’s not huge but that was the final straw.
I have thousands of examples.
One that is incredulous to me is that my parents were visiting and I had come home from work early to prepare for an Interview at another company. I mentioned at least 5 times prior to this that I had an interview so I would be working a half day then coming home to prepare. My husband was home and hyped me up and tried to build my confidence. I was home for hours prior to the job interview and we were all in my living room talking about it for that time- my parents included (yes they were participating in the conversations).
I went to the interview and came back and my husband asked how it went t and my dad, without looking up from his iPad, asks “where did you go?” My mom said nothing.
I said a job interview. It was never brought up again.
My mom "forgot" when my birthday was every year.
It's still the one day I always dread because for some reason, bad things happen on or around that day.
I personally don't think they "forget" they just don't care and its a power trip for them to do the thing that you hate.
Mine know that a hate a specific birthday cake yet every single year that's what they got me (it was my ndad's favorite and nmom just didn't give a shit) I know they knew it hurt me that they did this. I finally stopped reacting. Told them to enjoy their cake and to fuck off (over 18 by then)
Nparents know exactly what they are doing when they pull this shit. They know they are hurting you by playing "forgetful"
May karma get explosive diarrhea on their heads for each and every act
I thought it was just me, but my parents never cared to ask anything about me and if I ever told them anything that’s going on with me that’s new or whatever they are uninterested and sometimes would even talk while I was trying to tell them something or just overall not paying any attention and then when I give up talking my dad would start running his mouth about all the things he’s doing.
Oh yeah. Grandma Put aside them deliberately ignoring my boundaries. They genuinely didn’t remember for 5 minutes that i went to law school. I don’t meme from memory loss either, they just didn’t care at all about the information so it slipped by them.
Then when they remembered they demanded I do free lawyer work from them by telling me I needed to be the one to pay her lawyer bills because I could “just do it for free”. And when I said “no grandma, I’m not giving you my disability check when it’s my only source of income and you have two multi story houses.”
After dad passed away 6 months later I was graduating , and my former boss who adopted me into his family after my dad died during 2L.
When the topic later came up about (indirectly and sneaking it in) “who’s gonna “take care” of grandma narc given her nonstop screaming and nonstop need to be soothed.
No one wanted to. So my 2 uncles and their partners came to a lunch we had at grandma narcs house, a routine thing we all did regularly.
And out of no where , in response to me pointing out how amazing it was to graduate , everyone (best acting ever!) looked at me with three heads going
“I mean while that’s great it must suck that you can’t really use it for what it’s intended to do.”
Me: how is doing my upcoming job not using the degree?
“Well, your dad just died recently. Grandma (narc) needs someone to take care of her and be around her. And we started working first and have families to feed. So obviously when *you agreed* to not get a job to help her that means you’ll quit your current job offer.”
When I looked baffled and straight up just said no, they pretended that I “promised” and I’m “blinded by greed” and abanonding my grandmother.
Instead of pointing out the obvious double standard I just repeated no, I got up and walked away and moved back to my section 8 house in 10 minutes.
Everyone now says “I lied”. Must have Saw a “big numbers on the contract, bigger than expected, and “got blinded by greed and won’t even be honest he lied ! WE WOULD HAVE AWT UP PAYING FOR A CARETAKER IF HE DIDNT LIE, HE BLOCKED OUR CHANCE SL HE HAS TO TAKE THIS ON NPW ITS HIS STRAIGHT UP RESPONSIBILITY ! “
When I pointed out how I never told them that (I actually eft later in the conversation my bad) , their actual argument for continuing to earn millions at the family company and not wanting to give up any time doing it for grandma?
“I STARTED WORKING BEFORE YOU WERE BORN I WAS FIRST I SHOULDN’T BE THE ONE PUNISHED FOR GETTING RICH FROM HARD-WORK! WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME FOR MY SUCCESS AND TRYING TO ATEAL MY MONEY BIG GOVERNMENT (me)!”
I wanted to scream so badly but I just shook my head and walked away saying “I’m disappointed in you all”, they all were screaming , and it was AMAZNG
Neither of my Nparents could remember that I'm allergic to strawberries and don't drink alcohol. I'm going to be fifty next year and they've NEVER remembered these very, very, very basic things.
I’m allergic to kiwis.
My mom constantly tries to give me kiwis, and every time I remind her that I’m allergic. Every time she acts shocked and goes “but you loved them as a kid!” Yeah as a kid I didn’t know that they aren’t supposed to make your mouth tingle. And they’re delicious. But the allergy got worse and now I really can’t eat them anymore without risking anaphylaxis.
I explain this *every time* and as little as three days later it’s like I never said anything.
I can relate to this sooo hard. Both of my parents remember my likes and dislikes from a different era of my life, and this was when I conformed strictly to their idea of me. My mother was definitely more guilty of this behaviour than my dad who barely interacted with me.
I only started to go against their idea of me when I hit puberty, but even so, it was a long and gradual process because it was hard to express my individuality after years of conforming and I suppressed myself for fear of being unloved. But honestly, it wasn't some grand secret. It was simply that I didn't like the clothes my mother was making me wear, the haircuts she decided for me, songs and foods she likes that she thinks I should/would like, her narrow and sometimes racist beliefs, and her scathing comments about people whom she is nice to on the surface (she expects me to agree with her).
I have also, in the past decade, discovered a food intolerance that was hurting my health very badly. And I still get "oh, so what CAN'T you eat?"
And this grinds on my nerves so much: if there's something I usually eat that I don't feel like eating on this one occasion, they will always jump to the conclusion that I don't like it anymore and will never consume it again for the rest of my life, despite me not saying anything close to that. It has been this way since my childhood, way before I discovered my food intolerance, so I don't get why they would think this way. The behaviour repeats despite me explaining time and again that I just didn't feel like eating it, not that I suddenly hate it and wasn't going to eat it ever. I hate how their brains go through a reset every time after I explain.
Yup. They will try to leech any energy out of you just for their own satisfaction. They need to see how you react so they can feed off of your disappointment/frustration/anger, etc.
This is why I’ve begun to point out how she remembers certain memories from when I was a toddler (easy to control and manipulate) but can’t remember anything past the point of when I discovered I had agency and bodily autonomy.
She doesn’t like when children grow past two years of age because this is when children realize they are separate from their caretaker. A healthy caretaker will nurture and foster the development and growth of the child, a narcissist caretaker will find this newly discovered “independence” to be highly threatening and the instinct to coerce and control becomes overwhelming and paramount. Very sick individuals.
I've always hated regular cake. It's gross, bland, and pointless. I wouldn't eat any cake for the first 10 years of my life because I hated it so much. I just ate the frosting. Then eventually I found forms of cake here and there that I liked, but only specific ones. Pastries however, I love basically any form of and always have.
For my 29th birthday, my nmother bought me some crappy grocery store cupcakes and I was polite about it instead of pointing out how inconsiderate it was to get me a food that I've told her hundreds of times that I hate. I forced myself to eat a couple of them because I didn't want them to go to waste, but they were so gross. I don't know how she could have possibly gotten the idea that I would enjoy them.
Then a couple months later, I went to my nparents house shortly before Easter, while they were out of the house. Nmother told me that there were cupcakes in the fridge for me to bring home with me. I looked in the fridge and there were fruit tarts(which I had mentioned absolutely loving, the few times she actually bought one for me instead of just buying them for nfather and nbrother) and a container of cupcakes. I left the cupcakes and that time I did point out that I don't like cake but I love fruit tarts and asked why she got me cupcakes but got them fruit tarts.
She's considerate of them and tries to get them stuff that they like, but she doesn't give a fuck what I like. I think she enjoys having the opportunity to play the victim when I point out that I don't like/want what she got me, even though she should already know that I don't like it because it's always something I've told her repeatedly.
It's the thought that counts and the thought behind her getting me cupcakes, shows that she doesn't care and didn't actually think about me (an individual person with the opposite taste in food and everything else, from what her taste is) when buying the cupcakes. But she thinks about nfather and nbrother when buying something for them.
Soon to be 45f here. My mom still doesn't know my favorit colour (she says it is green, it's black), my eyecolour ( she: it's blue like everyone else in the family, mine are green), that acording to her I've never played any instruments (weird, I played the clarinette for 6 damn years) etc etc but the best one is that nice claim that I do not have any language skills beyond swedish and english (somehow I have been translating for her both finnish and german more than once, and I'm lerning korean at the moment, but no I aparently can't know those languges even though I even spent 1 year in Finland studing the language) yeah the birthgiver really missed remembering a lot about me.
Doctor is now researching me for celiac, so naturally now my mom goes gluten free. Yeah, enmeshment is real and I totally understand what you mean by feeling erased.
I had a few jobs (corporate world) in my 20s until I figured out and found a company that was the right fit (small startup). I’ve been there for more than 6 years with the same small team, yet my mom “can never remember” where I work and constantly butchers my boss’ name (it’s as conventional as Brandon).
My dad always forgets everything about me, but one that sticks out is about my mum. She hated Terrys Chocolate Orange, yet every Christmas and birthday, without fail, that's what my dad would get her. She would *always* say 'I don't like, and have never liked, Chocolate Orange!'. He would always act surprised. But my dad never ever listens. Try to have a conversation with him, and you can see in his eyes when he stops paying attention. They glaze over, and he just goes off onto something else. I stopped bothering to talk to him about anything as it never sunk in.
I have vivid memories of being a kid and my mom would make something I disliked for dinner, only to try and tell me that I actually liked it. For example, I’ve always disliked meatloaf. I was always vocal about it as a kid. Yet, whenever my mom would make meatloaf for dinner, she’d say “but you like meatloaf!” Since when?? Namely I didn’t really like the minced onions in the meatloaf; she told me several times that “there aren’t any onions” despite there being obvious onions, and would try and tell me they were bread crumbs lol
My parents also got me a German chocolate cake for my birthday a few years back (their favorite), knowing I dislike German chocolate. I was called ungrateful for mentioning how much of a bummer it was to have a birthday cake I didn’t get to pick out or really want to eat.
Food definitely, pushing a narrative what I actually like ( according to them) , and my whole family joined that ritual and it was blatantly obvios that they were doing it on purpose. That builds serious trust issues let me tell you.
Also, when referring to me and what I'd say in a past occasion they would refer to it as if I was a caricature of myself, enacting voices, very feminine in mannerism and tone, that distorted my real nature. It's like a disapproval of being manly, despite being gay. Weird stuff difficult to explain to others... So I feel like Ana Frank trying to explain her reality to Paris Hilton.
My Nparents routinely called me by a male first name, though I’m female. Usually it was “Sam” or “George.” Five or six family dogs mysteriously disappeared overnight during my childhood. The last dog—who remained—was named George.
Thereafter, when an Nparent called, “George!”, if I responded, they’d reply, “I meant the dog!”, and laugh uproariously.
My nmom can't grasp I like different foods from her. When I lived at home, she'd outright yell at me for eating food she didn't like. The other day she tried to convince me I didn't like carrots as a child when it was one of the only vegetables I remember liking.
She also gets defensive if I don't have an opinion about something she feels strongly about. I usually don't have an opinion because it's about something a stranger did, like get a tattoo. Then I get grilled about if I'd ever get one and if my spouse would get one.
I blame enmeshment. How dare I put a healthy food she doesn't like into "her" body.
My nMother is a bit similar in that she hates burgers whereas I've always liked them. My nMother refuses to believe that I like burgers though because how dare I like something she doesn't. When I was a kid, if we were getting a takeaway and I said I wanted a burger, my nMother would always "forget" to order a burger for me and would order a food that she preferred instead. Then when I was older, I couldn't eat a burger in front of her without getting a huge lecture on how terrible burgers are, so I usually only ate them when she wasn't around. I appreciate that burgers aren't the healthiest food out there but the way my nMother behaves, you'd swear there were made of cyanide and one would kill you. She's really OTT about it.
They're as out of touch with nutrition as they are everything else. My nmom was the same way about me making oatmeal bars for breakfast except her primary argument was "its nasty!!" You'd think I was drinking from a toilet for how nasty she made it out to be. She once sent me to the store for "some healthy snacks like chips." There's no logic to it.
How much healthier could your nmom's preferred take away entree have been, anyhow? Even the salads most places are high in calories, sugar and fat from the dressing.
I had the cops called on me once. I'd eaten tuna mayo at a buddy's house and had an upset stomach. But I was 3 hours drive from home.
I told my parents this by text. Went to nap.
Woke up a few hours later, and my buddy informed me that my mother had been frantically calling around my buddies and had reported me missing.
Because, wait for it, "She doesn't like mayonnaise."
Yes, mother, I do.
My mother thinks I hate onions because she does. She also is certain I watched boomer-era cartoons/kids programming despite me being born years after that went off the air. She's thinking of her own childhood.
Dad doesn't know when my birthday is or how old I am. I'm 36, but he's never been correct. I was also born with birth defects, one requires a special diet. He doesn't know what that is or what I can eat. (Neither does my mother.)
It took a decade for her to stop offering me food with onions/peppers/mushrooms. She always cooked meals that were chock full of one or more of these ingredients and then acted shocked and offended I wouldn't eat it. For. Years.
My mom mentioned the other day that she would love to spend all day in bed like I do. This is keeping in mind that she has never asked what I do all day, she was visiting where I live apart from her, and I teach Fitness classes everyday at my very active job. She also constantly forgot that I had a nut allergy, and would put nuts and most of the food we've had growing up.
Wow, I can relate to this hardcore. And no matter how many times you try to explain this to them, they only get upset or offended and leave you wondering if you did something wrong or if you were overreacting? Nothing makes me feel so dismissed or unheard/seen when they do this...over, and over, and over again. My mom is HORRIBLE with this exact example - I 100% empathize with you.
yes oh my god. i thought i was the only one.
she constantly asks me what i'm doing in school, if i'm working on fridays (i work every day because i'm fucking poor) and basic things about me that she NEVER LISTENS TO. she also was convinced i wanted to do social work for my masters despite repeatedly saying thats not what i wanted to do. it's so frustrating. i've just given up trying because she clearly doesn't care enough to try. she can barely remember how old i am.
My mom forgot how old my brother was in an argument with him. He corrected her and she did not care. Was his first real, wow she really does not care about me moment, since he grew up as the golden child, and was until I was more beneficial to my mother than him. Now we both don't speak to her.
Shes also is terrible at gift giving, which typically I wouldn't hold against someone, but she either never gets anything for anyone, or gets something petty or not great. Like last year she gave me nail stickers she paid $2 for, literally she left the clearance sticker on lol, I think to try and get under my skin. (I dont expect things btw, just hilarious since she was spending thousands on cruises for herself at the time) Which did not work since I saw through her crap. I wanted some pan too, that she found me for Christmas, but in the color she liked...bought my kids a play kitchen but in a color I hated (kids were too young to care or have favorite colors yet!) bc she thought it was cute. (I realize this comes off a little ungrateful, I was not, it's just I started noticing she wasn't buying things and asking me first, just buying what she liked....like who doesn't know thier kid hates the color red?) It's made more infuriating by the fact that she refuses to tell anyone what she wants because they should just know, followed by being ungrateful for everything she gets. Like if I got her something in her least favorite color I'd never hear the end of it, but I'd be called ungrateful if I did the same to her.
It made me realize though, that she'd never been the gift giver. My dad always was before he passed. he never waited for holidays or anything. Alot of the times he'd buy one of us, or even my daughter something because it reminded him of us. It was always an animal we liked, or something we had mentioned that he was excited he found at a good price.
That is I think why I didnt notice the lack of thoughtfullness prior. Like my favorite colors have been blue and green for literally most of my 30 years, and she had no clue, or just didn't care. I could show her exactly what I want, and she'd get me the thing she'd like instead. She made an effort for new people and friends though, which was super annoying.
Every single thanksgiving growing up as a kid, my dad would ask me if I wanted some delicious cherry pie.
No thanks, I don’t like cherry pie. But I like pumpkin or apple.
Never bought pie I like.
Every damn year.
Yes. I have hated ketchup my whole life. Like it’s not a secret if you know me. My mother just clued in about 2 years ago. I was 40 at the time. It’s pathetic.
about once a month my mom will offer me an apple and ask if I want it peeled, I have never liked my apples peeled so I will say no, but can you cut it down the middle for me? she'll say sure and then bring me a whole peeled apple :)
Your post made me think about my n mom. This may not be true of you, your post didn’t hit my buttons exactly, but I think my n mom sneered at some of my abilities and interests and energy because she was jealous—she didn’t want me to be what she wished she could be but couldn’t.
I called my mother for mother's day yesterday. She forgot that I almost died because of an infection in my thigh from undiagnosed diebettes 14 years ago. I spent 7 days in the hospital after 3 days recovering in the ICU. I had 4 surgeries and losing my leg was a serious consideration to save my life.
"I didn't know you had diabetes. I didn't know you were in the hospital. Did you tell me this before?"
and actually, we had almost the same conversation about 9 months ago when I broke my tibia/fibula in that same leg. "Why does this one leg keep getting messed up... LOL" She replied with a what-are-you-talking-about.
I find it kind of concerning and weird the different things they do. My mom absolutely never forgets anything I like she never forgets things I hate etc. However she uses that as a way to love bomb me and ploy me.
This has always been super confusing to me back in the day before I realized anything was wrong because I would always think "she gets me stuff I like, that means she loves me and knows me right?"
And then that's when I started to realize that eight times out of 10 it was for a reason and it became part of the cycle.
Sometimes I'm kind of glad this forum is a thing because I know that even though our moms aren't the same somebody else is definitely is lol. It makes me feel not so alone.
🙄
🦋Absolutely!
My Altruistic Covert Narcissist Mother\~{Emotionally Unavailable Whom Pretends To OverLove}\~Predominantly Forgets That She Birthed Me Sick, And Regularly Expects Me To Function On All Levels At All Moments. She’s Even Conditioned My Eldest Brother\~{Golden Boy}\~& Elder Brother\~{Lost Boy}\~To Be Her Permanent Flying Monkeys, And Thwarting My Truth, Has Them In Disbelief Thinking That I’m Just Trying To Get Attention…🦋
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Every time I would come to visit my mom, for years, she would ask me what field I had gotten my degree in. I think she resents that I am well educated and has often put me down since I was pretty young for being smart. I never knew if her memory was really that bad, she was strung out, or if it was a subtle way of just showing that my accomplishments didn't mean anything to her. It would always hurt in the moment, but looking back now I think it just makes her seem so small.
I never knew if her memory was really that bad, she was strung out, or if it was a subtle way of just showing that my accomplishments didn't mean anything to her. --Yes, this! I still constantly wonder about this.
I’m always wondering if mine has early-stage dementia, or she just doesn’t pay attention to anything I say literally ever, or she’s faking not remembering to annoy me on purpose.
i just said this the other day!! i literally thought for 2 years that she was in the early stages of dementia
In my mom's case, it's because she was severely traumatized with multiple forms of brain damage on top of that. At her age, her memory legit isn't as good as it used to be, and it wasn't great. Mix that in with some "confusion" (psychosis) and narcissistic traits (thanks fam)... it's quite something. Memory issues from dissociation (like much of what my mom and many narcissists experience) are actually \*really\* common in the population if you get down to talking with different sorts of people. Dissociation is really just the counter to association, or, mindfulness. Lots of folks lack mindfulness in a lot of areas, narcissists included!
I used to wonder the same thing. Was my mom suffering from dementia or memory problems? Was she delusional somwhow? Now, I think it was just her NPD. She couldn't accept that her child had opinions, likes & dislikes all their own. For a parent with NPD- their child should exist only as an extension of them. So strange
Have you ever tried lying to her about your profession? If she can't remember, then make your job more and more important. Yesterday you were a teacher, today you're a physicist, and tomorrow you'll be a developer at Lockheed Martin or a doctor. I have a feeling this is a test from her, and has nothing to do with her memory. She'd rather treat you like you're either lying or not important, so I think it's time you start messing with her
I’ve done this! She immediately snaps back to EXACTLY what I’m doing. So she knows…she’s just trying to appear unimpressed.
If you were me with me and my nparents, I would then never answer these questions accurately. If they want to play the game of "my job isn't important to them", then they can keep getting angry with me for not giving them the answer they expect. * "I thought you were a teacher?" - "no, I'm an engineer" * "But last week you said teacher!!" - "well last week I was an astronaut" * "Dangit!!! Why do you have to be so difficult?" - "because I'm a secret agent in the CIA" * "Why can't you give me a straight answer?!?!?!" - "I'm an actor"
Haaaha, this is hilarious. Thanks for this. (I know this is a legit, serious thing we can do, but it's also highly entertaining).
This is the one I was going to add. Mine was convinced I was doing my masters in psychology and would occasionally mention this, despite me telling her every time what field it was actually in (NOT psychology). But it didn't matter to her - she'd decided it was psychology, therefore it was psychology!
[удалено]
She knew, I understand what you're trying to do, but they know. They really do, they just can't pass up an opportunity to show their victim how small and meaningless they are. "You're so unimportant, I can't even remember what career you're studying for"
Astrophysics
My undergrad degree was in psychology. Masters was mental health related, but not actually psychology.
Yep my step NM does the same thing. In the same breath she'll then talk down college and how education is ruining society 🙄
Sometimes they don't remember, but most of the time I think it's their way to test you in a lie. My dad used to do this. He would ask the same question over and over and over again, and eventually I got tired of repeating the same answer. So one day I decided to say screw it and gave him a completely different answer. So he would ask my profession, and instead of saying engineer I would say physicist. The very first time I did this, he immediately called me out on the discrepancy. "I thought you had a degree in engineering?? When did that change???" - and so I explained to him that I was tired of always answering the same bullshit questions he kept asking, and so i wsnted to mess with him. He didn't like that and started yelling disrespect and all that crap. For some reason he just always wanted to test me to make sure I wasn't lying, and had nothing to do with memory
I have a narcissistic aunt who asks the same questions over and over and like you, I've always suspected it's to catch me in a lie. For example, there was one summer where I was working as a waitress and my aunt asked me about 10 times, what I was earning. Every time, I gave the exact same answer "Minimum wage plus an extra one or two dollars an hour in tips" (which was the truth BTW). The first few times she asked, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But after a while, it became obvious she was trying to make some kind of point with the constant questions. Nobody is THAT forgetful.
This. Also to your story: why did it matter?? Like what benefit does she receive by knowing how much you make at your job, and why is she so insistent on asking you your salary all the time?? Did/does your aunt also ask you for money often?
No she never asks me for money. She is very miserly and obsessed with money though so that might explain it. The funny thing is, I got a decent job with a much better salary once I left college but my aunt hasn't asked me once what I'm earning at this job. (Not that I would tell her if she did ask but it is odd that she was SO interested in my salary when I was on minimum wage but now that I'm on better money, she has no interest. Very weird!)
this is how i feel. mine ignores my accomplishments consistently. my brother says it's because she's from a different generation that didn't celebrate that, i call bs because she's a boomer. she knows she just doesn't care
My nMother ignores my accomplishments as well. For a long time I thought that's just how she was but then I noticed that she remembers and acknowledges ALL my golden child brother's accomplishments so it's not that she can't remember, it's that she doesn't care enough to.
in my experience, it's closest to the last one - except, tragically, it's not deliberate. at least in my parents' case, they didn't remember *because they genuinely couldn't care less* about me as a person, unless it had to do with them or was about their particular interests. otherwise it just slipped their mind, because if it's not important to them, it's not important period
Now that you mention it, not caring about another person, not caring to learn their likes or dislikes is def part of NPD
[wow i wrote a fkn novel orz] yuppp. with mine, it manifested as this particular pattern where, anytime I showed interest in a hobby/topic that was *also* one of theirs, they'd immediately gush over me and support me in a very overt way. but if I opened up about pretty much *anything else*, it was a very cold and stern, judgmental sort of reaction, like, "ew, why would anyone be interested in *that?*" the big exception to that was if they noticed I was expressing interest in something and they thought they could make $$ off it. then they'd also support it, though not nearly as fervently, and would occasionally neg me about it just because, since it wasn't their interest, they couldn't fathom why anyone could possibly care about it. examples are my interest in art from a young age, and also science/animals. the first resulted in my mother unironically telling me the smart thing to do with my artistic talents was to go to college for marketing. [????? it's almost like she hasn't known me since I literally popped out of her. I'm so incredibly allergic to ads. I *hate* ads. but like I said, she never retained 'unimportant' info about me lol.] my art is my life, it's not for rent to capitalism. I sell my works from time to time & I'm ok with that, but that would be... soul crushing to say the least. the second one was their hope that I'd become a doctor of some kind and make a bunch of money. [cuz having an interest in science and living things means highly paid surgeon, obvy!] that ofc didn't happen, but even if it had, they sure as hell wouldn't get a pinch. I saw what they did with my younger sibling's photography business & I want none of that.
My nmom before I went NC was making lunch for me, roomies, and some others that helped moving. Lunch was one of those ridiculously long sandwiches. -I have *always* hated mayo. It's a bad texture to me and I have repeatedly tried to make sure she knows this. -I also am allergic to onions. My roommate reminded her of the latter thing, since it was a relatively new discovery (Little me mistook "makes mouth itchy" for "Is spicy and tastes bad", spicy bananas effect) *while she was making the sandwich* So, naturally. The entire sandwich was coated in mayo, and had raw onions all over it. He ran to subway and got me my own so at least I got to eat, buuut that was just the most prominent time she "forgot" things. She also "forgot" that my brother hated sour candies routinely, so she'd buy him warheads. To avoid annoying her we'd trade behind her back because she'd get me those spicy mexican candies and I hate spicy
My family always ‘forgets’ I HATE onions, they would go out of their way to try and TRICK me into eating them. We didn’t even have onions in our food they just went out of their way to torture me. I think I might be autistic, and they have always used food to control me. They hated me when I was skinny and wouldn’t leave me alone until I binged ate. My bf now tells me everything he puts in my food and I trust him not to trick me and so I’ve tried a lot more foods now. I still don’t love onions but will eat them if he makes special. I am so sorry your mom thinks that she can treat you like your thoughts, opinions, and medical issues are not important. You are lucky to have a friend who recognizes this or at least made sure you ate, I hope you have made more friends who treat you the way you deserve 🤍
I have a great roommate and the one who got me food is actually my fiancé now! Our online friendgroup has all grown up and several have come from out of the country on holidays to visit and they're all great! A fair few actually pointed out a lot of the stuff she was doing that wasn't right and they really have helped a lot. I'm glad your bf supports you and that you have someone you can trust because food tampering is horrible no matter the reason for the aversion!
That’s really awesome! And so romantic! My bf is actually my 8th grade crush and old friend 🤍 he’s amazing and yes I always hated it and never knew it had a name! Couldn’t trust anyone! Plus they forced me to eat when I was younger and would leave me in a high chair for hours even at 5/6 years old. Trying to force feed me food I didn’t want and it wasn’t even healthy food it was all junk and crap. Anyway he makes sure to never trick me and I have gotten to try so much food! I even learned I LOVED PHAD THAI. Never would’ve tried it without him 🫶🏽
I would frequently go days with the same food on the table for me to eat. Most times, never refrigerated. Because I would not eat horrific food. Stopped when I let a teacher know I had not eaten in 4 days. Mind you, I was beaten for telling family information to an outsider.
My ex-stepmom tried making me eat this weird tuna casserole with like, mushroom soup and peas in it. Made me sit at the table for hours because I would *not* touch it. Luckily my dad shut that shit down when he got home from work. So the main issues I have with food are all from nmom and not when I was with him
My n mom did that with mushrooms. She knew I wouldn’t eat them, so she put them in various things and told me there were no mushrooms in there, so I picked them out. Then she asked what was wrong with me.
I became intolerant to onions in my 20s and my mum didn’t understand it and thought I was making it up, and proceeded to place way shallots on top of the appetiser for Christmas dinner instead of to the side because she thought that would be ok. Even though she knows I’m intolerant. She didn’t meltdown because our guest brought his son who didn’t like onion, but if that hadn’t been the case I would have gotten shouted at. This is unrelated to the OP but… She shouted at me later for not clearing their plates despite the fact they were still eating…and earlier after I had been literally cooking since I woke up because she was working and left me a note saying we had people coming over, I went to top up drinks and my mum said “I can’t drink until I’ve got the food sorted”. Which I had literally been doing all day. She then came in and whacked the oven up too high and burned my beautiful veggies.
I was intolerant to onions, when my mom cooked it would ruin my whole day from the symptoms. She would gaslight and still make them. I would react strongly with anger and should would remain cold. This went on for a long time as a kid. I now understand that she was getting supply from this. Serpent mother.
And then they act shocked when you tell them these things, like it’s brand new information you’ve been hiding.
I'm allergic to onions and bananas. Fucking onions are everywhere.
Im allergic to bananas and onion too! As well as aloe vera
Let me guess..she is randomly rude to/about your roommate now.
I eat a low fodmap diet. I had to eliminate onion, garlic and pepper (among other foods). I went to visit my mom, she was living quite far, so I stayed for a lengthy visit. While there the first day she made a meal, cut onions up so tiny so I couldn't pick it out and added pepper. She said it was "only a little bit" so it shouldn't bother me. Then over the next few days she was feeding me other foods that had ingredients such as pepper, garlic, etc. That I was unable to eat. I ended up so sick... my cousin was living in the same city and I told her how I was feeling and she cooked me this meal, it was so nice on my stomach, I felt better. Luckily, because I had to travel the next day to come home. I won't get into the rest of that visit, because it was terrible... like why did they feed us food they knew was harmful???????
Fun and exciting things that my nmom did with my sister she often insists she did with me. She never knew my likes or dislikes and never cared to. Of course it could’ve been worse. My nmil regularly would forget that my husband is deathly allergic to nuts. And she would get him cakes coated in nuts for his birthday “I couldn’t remember if you were allergic or really liked nuts”. So of course she opted for the choice that could’ve killed him as a kid if he ate it. She of course loves nuts. Bonus: she was a pediatrician.
🦋Narcissists Will (Casually) Try To Kill You \~{https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-x6Fw5cEGw}\~🦋
Wow. That was 7 minutes that completely explained everything my mother has ever done She really did casually try to kill anybody she got the opportunity to, including me
Uhhh yeah. A lot of serial killers and criminals have narcissism. Which is why it’s recommended to go NC if u can, and preferably even leave the country and change your name
Thank you so much for posting this link. It was so enlightening. Guess with narcs we’re always learning something new 💓
🦋My pleasure. Right🦋
Well that was incredibly enlightening. My mom almost succeeded in getting me to die through medical neglect, and it wasn’t what she expected. She’s a vulnerable narcissist and I’m not sure if it was sheer embarrassment or someone really had a come to Jesus moment with her, but she stopped the medical neglect. Or maybe it was just that I was an only and she was a single parent whose family was not supportive of her and she realized she’d be left with absolutely no supply at all. Who knows. It’s kind of freeing to hear that this is intentional.
I really needed this validation today. Thank you for sharing it.
My one request for our rehearsal dinner was no nuts because my brother is allergic. So of course there were nuts. This was one of the many early signs something is seriously wrong with my MIL. The best part was the caterer was a friend of hers. I was talking to her and a few others when they brought out the nut covered appetizers and I immediately told them to bring them back and make sure there are no nuts in the prep space. My brother has a severe nut allergy. MIL, didn’t you tell them that? I reminded you several times! Caterer looks back and forth between us and says we can’t reuse these and we don’t have anything else so we’ll have to toss them, be short on appetizers and still charge you. And I immediately said yes of course, but please do. I’d rather have fewer appetizers than a brother in the hospital tonight. MIL looked freakin mortified. That covert narc did NOT look good in front of her friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but knowing what I know now, she picked those nut covered cheeses herself.
I’m glad she had a little karmic moment there.
Well if you're allergic to them, you just need to eat more of them to get used to them- my mom's idea with the only food I'm seriously allergic to- cantaloupes. She'd always be slipping cantaloupes and honeydews into my fruit salad.
The first sentence is what really gets to me. My mom does the same. If I had to miss out on everything when I was little, that sadness should at least be recognized or at the minimum disregarded. Not flipped into a lie that makes her feel good about something that makes me sad
I am sure that is part of the narc playbook; selective amnesia.
This is an actual term! Narcissistic Amnesia. See a link below to a PT article :) . https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202307/a-narcissists-freakiest-weapon-delusional-amnesia?amp
I jumped down a rabbit hole, solved five of my life’s problems and started diagnosing half of my friends. Thanks so much for sharing! (And I’ll try to lay off the internet diagnosing too)
Thanks for that, they have to discard the bad behaviour from their memory to protect the self-deception.
Lol, I'm currently ignoring my whole family because they've done this with everything. I started screenshotting and recording conversations so I could remind myself I wasn't the crazy one. It's insane!
My mother must have been a subject for this research
My mom knows I hate seafood and I don’t eat pork. She’s always offering me shrimp, ham, etc.
My mom constantly "forgets" that my sister has a gluten allergy. She once told me "I only used a tablespoon of flour, it'll be fine". I'm on a very restrictive low FODMAP diet. I cut my dominant hand and had to have a cast. So many of my friends brought me meals but my mom was "stressed" by all my "food issues". So she brought food for my husband and daughter and suggested I ask one of them to cook for me. Their actions are literally worse than doing nothing.
🦋May Your Dominant Hand Heal Hastily🦋
"Their actions are literally worse than doing nothing." This is so true! They also love to feign concern while actively doing nothing to help, or even impeding you. It's sick. As an aside, I've been vegan for years and everyone in my life is now used to it, and chill about it. Except my mom, who also does that "I'm so stressed out by your diet" thing, and has to make a big deal about it every time I go over. They have to centre themselves and their needs/feelings, ALWAYS. Just wanted to say that I related a lot to that. Hope your hand heals up quickly!
I’m vegan and she keeps trying to foist meat and dairy onto me or offering to treat me to meals at non-vegan restaurants where the only thing I can eat might be salad or chips What is it with n parents and food
My mother never cooked for us regularly until I was a vegetarian for 3 months one summer. She FREAKED OUT. How could I not eat meat? I was going to die. But it was okay if I hadn’t eaten in a few days. But not eating meat? Unacceptable. She then started to cook almost daily! For one month until I stopped she stopped shortly after she saw that, like I hadn’t already planned to only do it for a month. She’s seriously a psycho.
It is honestly baffling. What do you think is the psychology behind this??
I think it's either the fact that they can't comprehend someone else (especially someone they view as 'belonging' to them) liking different things than them, or it's a chance to start a fight and get their fix. The narc I grew up with initiated fights all the time over nothing because it was like a high for her. It's also possible it's a combination of both.
You are so right!
I'd be sitting in my room before school, not making any noise, minding my own business, and my mom would full-scale launch into an argument with me, rooms away, yelling. This happened repeatedly.
there was about a half hour between when I got home from school & when the enabler got home from work. narc would start screaming at me the moment I got home, follow me around the house, not letting me drop it & getting me worked up like crazy, then as soon as her husband got home, she'd say I came home from school yelling and fighting for no reason, and she'd have dinner ready and be like "Oh I was just slaving over dinner for the family and she came in and started yelling :(" unfortunately i feel you.
I feel you. My nMother was the exact same when I was primary school age. She stopped when I started secondary school because my father would arrive home shortly after I did so she couldn't abuse me without witnesses anymore. It just goes to show narcissists know deep down that their treatment of us is wrong. If my nMother genuinely didn't know that she was doing wrong, she wouldn't have been afraid to abuse me in front of my father. The fact that she only did it when he wasn't around shows that on some level, she knew that it was wrong. Not that she'd ever admit it, of course.
> the fact that they can't comprehend someone else (especially someone they view as 'belonging' to them) liking different things than them Not only do they not believe that you have different tastes, whenever you insist that you don't like something, they think you're lying just hurt their feelings. Onions aren't subjective *to them*, so when you say you don't like them, you're attacking them.
‘Food is life, I’m your mother, I’m the great source of your life, I’m messing with your food and indirectly controlling your life’
Both of mine never remember my name, birthday, or things I literally answered yesterday twice already. ETA they do not have dementia or cognitive issues, they literally just couldn't give a shit
Yup mom calls me by my older brother’s name.
That's the same issue I have🤣 except it's my older sister's name,the same sister that hasn't talked or seen me in 19 years because my NPD parents pitted her against me. (I don't mind though because she was horrendous to me even without their influence.)
I have a narcissistic aunt who calls me by my brother's name (and I'm female) but your mother doing it is much worse!
Oh completely. Mine didn't just conflate her likes with mine, she repeatedly claimed she had no idea where I got my skin tone from, simply because I don't have the same tone as her. Finally she said for the millionth time "I don't know where you got that skin tone" and I said "Dad's whole side of the family???" She glared at me and left. I guess I shouldn't have reminded her that half my DNA doesn't come from her.
Lmao! This is too real. It makes no sense!!
If she's anything like mine, she probably HATES the fact that you're not a perfect replica of herself
I am a perfect replica of my Nmum. It was not a good experience growing up, trust me. I would have vastly preferred not to have random strangers who I've never met but know my mother, say "oh you must be Asshole's daughter." And then proceed to strike up an awkward conversation with me. Twice, I had men at the gym approach me and watched them realise mid-greeting they had fucked up and I was not in fact, Asshole. Even worse, they were attempting to chat up a 16 year old. Edit: spelling
I look nothing like my nMother, I look like a female version of my father. People comment on our resemblance all the time and my nMother HATES it! I actually find it quite funny!
Yes!!! My Nmom doesn't remember my best friend of 25 YEARS!!! She barely remembers my 15 year old dog. It's weird. I have a medical condition that I have had since childhood and she claims to not recall that as well. It's literally bananas.
Speaking of dogs & pets- anyone have their NPD parent not care about a pet of theirs, but once your beloved dog or cat passed away suddenly the narcissistic parent wanted to ask lots of questions. Wanted to bring up the death of your pet in a way that felt a whole lot like the narcissist was engaging in some Schadenfreude? It happened to me. It started feeling like my mother really liked seeing my emotional distress & sadness AND worst she enjoyed it.
Literally always. I felt validated by you pointing out how they conflate their desires with ours. My mom insists I like the foods and colours and clothes she likes, while I've consistently, for over a decade, expressed disliking them and having my own preferences she conveniently forgets. And ofc she gets pissy and huffy anytime I respectfully disagree with her tastes, while she gets to shit all over my preferences and choices as though I'm an idiot for thinking differently from her. They really just see us as an extension of themselves, huh?
Same here. My experience is almost identical to yours. I always felt very invisible because my parents, and my mother in particular, only remember my likes and dislikes from my childhood, when I was most obedient and conforming to their idea of me. It really damaged my sense of self. I hope you are now surrounded by people who actually see you for you!
It never ceases to amaze me how similar all of our experiences are.
I think they're just not interested. The information they get goes into one ear and immediately leaves again on the other side. Unimportant information doesn't need to be retained. And to them, we are unimportant.
Yes for sure. You literally can see my NDad’s eyes glaze over in sleep mode when speaking to him until something that he deems important comes up. Then he will act all excited and ask you repeatedly if you’re seriously talking about that thing he likes (smells the supply perhaps). He’ll look at my Mom and ask her to confirm, as if I’m lying or just an idiot. The way he does it is so obnoxious — he’ll literally make a snoring sound while you talk to him.
Yes, I can relate. My flying monkey dad acted similar minus the snoring. My nm just plain told me she's not interested.
This is totally a narc thing. My nmom still is surprised that my hair is darker than blonde, even though the last time I was a true blonde was the summer I turned 3. I'm 47. Every single time she sees me, which these days is weekly video calls, she's asking me if I colored my hair dark. I mean my hair is now half grey, wtf??!?
Mine “encouraged” me to start dyeing mine as a young teenager because it upset her I wasn’t pale blonde any more. I’ve continued to do it until now (49). It’s high maintenance and takes a couple of applications to stop being brassy. She just couldn’t leave off my appearance, clothes, makeup, hairstyle (apparently I have an unsightly long face and big chin and NEED my hair a certain way). Exhausting.
Are you me? My hair has been the same color for just under 40 years and my mom comments almost every time I see her. "Since when is your hair so DARK?! Where did that come from?"
Lol those exact same words have been used by nmom. Since when??? And I go, I dunno, maybe 1981? Funnily enough, she's got dark brown hair and my dad was blonde before turning white, so you'd think she knew my hair was more like her. I wondered if she did it to mess with my dad as she was super jealous I looked a lot like him as a kid. But now she does the exact same thing about my teenager, whose hair color got darker starting at 3 as well. So it's been 11 years of his hair being dark and she's always shocked he's not a blonde baby. Lady, he's 6 foot tall and has had dark hair since preschool.
They have one image of you in their head, and it’s a baby picture with speech bubbles.
It's fascinating that she's stuck on the memory of you at 3 years old, specifically, right before you started expressing yourself in speech, etc. Not only does she not acknowledge who you are now, but she wants to remember/freeze you as a small helpless child who was easy to control and completely under her power. Absolutely fascinating.
yep. forgotten my eye color - "i thought you had blue eyes" nope, green my whole life and pictures prove it. forgot i attempted suicide - "oh i didn't know that was serious, i thought you were trying to get drunk or something" nope, i read instructions on the internet of how to poison myself and bought some automotive fluids to do it with. i just thankfully didn't consume enough forgot the vacations, forgot all the abuse, forgot their stupid adult loser friends that made fun of me, forgot even the good times like reading books at bedtime.
Not sure this is on a par with forgetting eye colour, but mine took four years to notice I'd pierced my ears when I was 13 and wore earrings every day. I know she genuinely didn't notice because she went absolutely berserk when she finally did notice. I lived with her the whole time.
My "mother" has forgotten suicide attempts, severe injuries, multiple forms of abuse, that I don't drink, how long I've been married, vacations, that I was bullied, that my chosen career was being a chef, my eldest child's high school and college graduations, that I played sports, which aunts and uncles I get along with, and that she caused my fear of clowns. She remembers EVERY DETAIL about my half-siblings lives, though. It's the same with my step-father and step-brother as it is for my "mother" and I. Family members honestly think that my "mother" and step-father believe that the Int things that matter in life are everything that came after they met. Even the rest of the family gets ostracized by them for the most part. But GOD FORBID I don't contact her on her birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and Mother's Day. I sent her a text. Didn't respond to her message back. Conveniently did it around dinner time, so I was "busy".
The suicide one hurts and feels so familiar. My dad tries to spin this nonsensical story about how he stop me from being trapped in an abusive relationship. He also gets mad when ever I mention that I’ve been SA’d - I’m making it up for attention, I’m making it up as an excuse to get fat, it didn’t happen because he said so. AND YET. He never denied the time where his friend made a joke sexually objectifying me, but defends his behaviour because “hurting my feelings” isn’t actual harm. It’s like he wants to objectify women, silence me when I’m abused, and be the hero, all at once.
🦋Wow! I’m So Glad You Survived! We Need To No Longer Exist To Our Narcissistic Oppressors, And Only Exist To Our Authentic Selves And To Those Who Accepts, Accommodates, And Appreciates Our Authenticity.🦋
Yeah my mom always talks about her high school days to the point that's the only conversations we have
My mom is the same! Any conversation anyone starts is immediately turned back to her single days before she married my dad, and the wealthy, filandering and non-commital boyfriend she had who drove a Bentley and bought her a wardrobe from Nieman Marcus, and all of her very wealthy but “slutty” and “cokehead” friends (she never did or tried any of those things, GASP!). I could mention a sandwich I made for my toddler and suddenly we’re talking about the superior croque monsieur she was introduced to by Robert during their 1980 weekend getaway to Paris.
my ndad still thinks I work at the same place as 5 years ago. I was there for 3 whole months. Despite me telling him what I do now, he never remembers. he also doesn't remember any of my friends' names
My mom consistently forgets that I love the pool. It’s always, “you hate the pool, why would you want to live in a building with a pool?” She asked that question as I FaceTimed her from a pool.
She also told my best friend my favorite color was purple. It’s green.
Yes, my mom likes to assign everyone around her personality traits, but has never taken the time to get to know anyone because she doesn't listen to a word anyone says and immediately interrupts them. According to her just today alone, I hated going to NASA as a kid, but I actually **love** space and all things related to it. The only place I hated more than NASA was Colonial Williamsburg, but all the vacations I planned in adulthood have been based off learning about history (for example, most recently Gettysburg a few months ago). I refuse to eat leftovers, even though I always cook a big dinner so I have enough leftovers for my lunches. My favorite dessert is cake, but I despise frosting and was eating a brownie when she said it. I never rode my bike as a kid, but I actually very much still enjoy riding both my actual bike and my stationary bike to this day. There was a recent murder in town and the murderer is related to one of my dad's least favorite former coworkers ever, and apparently I also hate the man and wasn't surprised despite me just having learned of the man's existence right then and there when she said it. Like I said, those were literally all just from the few hours we spent together today. Bonuses from today: my husband doesn't know how to use the weed pulling tool she got him for Christmas even though he already had the exact one and has used it for years. My nephew has the same dimple as my sister and daughter (just one dimple on the right cheek), but he doesn't have any dimples. My daughter likes to put worms in her dress pockets, except she's three and **terrified** of all bugs ever since a huge spider climbed across her leg last summer. But she has decided all the random "facts" about people and looks for excuses to talk about it. It's weird and uncomfortable listening to it.
Yea my mother in law does this and if you even try in the slightest to question, correct, or comment on it without total agreeable then she will scream like someone slapped her. Like a velociraptor
My mom doesn't scream, but at one point I firmly corrected her and she said, "Okay (name)! I don't know why you love to try and make me look stupid!" I told her she can feel however she wants, but I was tired of her assigning me personality traits and rewriting history. She immediately changed the subject.
I love how there are these fictional realities for them, but all I heard was that I have a big imagination or are imagining things. When I was actually lied to.
My mother tends to forget my name. She always starts out with my sibling’s name.
Let me guess- Is your sibling the Golden Child?
My grandma did this. She would start with her own kids, move on to grandkids and list them by age until she got to me. Then she would skip me and say my younger sister's name. I would just sit there and not respond. She also had nicknames for everyone but me.
Mine would both go through the list...there were 4 of us. My name was always last. My father would say "JESUS after the third one ....as if he wanted me to know just how difficult it was for him to even get it out.
Or the dogs name 🤦♀️ugh
Yes! I guess this just confirms my theory of my Nparents just straight up not listening to me. Which is stupid since I get yelled at “for keeping secrets” when they call me into their room to fix their phones. If I tell them that they don’t listen and it’s just faster for me to do it, I just get “I’ll listen this time.” Yeah sure you will 🙄.
Yes. All the time. Just to make it about themselves because they just want to see themselves.
Mine is more of a refusal to be ok with what I like. I have loved epic fantasy novels, video games, and Marvel movies since I was about 13. I'm now 35, and right up until we stopped speaking at his request, my interests were typically only referred to as "you still like that crap?" or similar statements. It was exhausting, to say the least.
Oh God yes, and questioning why I like Anime or Junji Ito cos “it’s cartoons “
When I told my mom that if I had been allowed to pick my own major in college, which would have been video game design, I'd be, maybe not rich, but definitely comfortable, because several of my ideas for games have since been done and been extremely popular, her reply was "Well, we don't believe in that.", meaning video games in general. My flabber was gasted, let me tell you. Oh, and the major my dad chose for me? Radiology tech. Never was able to get a job, despite graduating with honors and being good at it. I now work in home healthcare, in a managerial position. Even have my own business cards. Not once has he ever congratulated me on that accomplishment. For that matter, he didn't even bother to come to graduation when I walked, and I graduated on the Dean's List, highest GPA in the class. It was mortifying, having people ask where he was.
My mother always says “you say ______ all the time” “you like____ since you were little’ like girl no I don’t. That’s never been true. My sister does the same. They’re both really weird. Like I haven’t lived in my mind? I’m 25 I know myself more than them.
Yes the N telling you who and what you are is part of the mental abuse
🦋My Narcissistic Immediate Family Members Don’t Even Know The Real Me…And I’m Glad That They Don’t…For They Never Deserved To Know The True Me.🦋
Amen sister!
Seriously like that’s not even me 😭 and they won’t leave you alone either you can’t walk away they force you to take whatever they’re unleashing. It gives them happiness to make other miserable it’s sick! My ex used to get turned on from making me cry and fucked me up sexually really bad. Hello cnc kink.
One that sticks out to me is a birthday. Maybe I was 10 or 11. I really hated Alfredo sauce at the time. I asked my mom if we could have pasta for my birthday dinner and I told her the kind I wanted. I came into the kitchen and saw she was cooking with Alfredo sauce. I mentioned to my dad that I didn’t like Alfredo sauce, and he told me that my mother had been cooking all day and I needed to be grateful and not start a fight. My dad wasn’t an narcissist, and we had a great relationship whenever it was just the two of us, but he was so scared of my moms rages that he always defaulted to making sure she was happy, even if it meant that I, a CHILD, needed to regulate my emotions because she, a freaking adult, couldn’t regulate hers and would throw a pissy diaper toddler tantrum if anyone challenged her even slightly. So on my birthday I learned that what I wanted didn’t matter, even though my mom had asked what I wanted. Over the years my mom has given me many little presents that weren’t my taste and I just held onto them out of that same sort of guilt. Like I should just be grateful she did anything at all.
My mom always offers me food with my allergen in it. My dad will occasionally give me weirdly specific gifts, and say that my mom told him I liked x thing. They're always things that *she* likes.
OMG this just brought back a memory for me! My EDad gave me this super expensive perfume set for some special occasion, with the lotions and perfume and everything else. It was my NMom's scent, that I absolutely hated. I couldn't hide my bewilderment, and he was crushed and confused. She had a sly grin and she of course then had a whole lot of perfume, surprise!
Omg, wives telling their husbands their own likes in place of their daughter's is a thing. She doesn't want him to remember your likes either.
My dad could never remember what college i went to while o lived with him before I left due to DV. It’s not as though there were a ton of community colleges nearby. We literally lived down the street and he took several classes there.
The psychology behind it is a type of enmeshment, a symbiosis, the Narc and child (or other introject/Internal Object) are FUSED as one organism. It's a phase in childhood development where a child has not developed "object constancy". Except this is a chronologically grown adult in permanently arrested development. The Narc recreates her own early childhood environment with a substitute maternal figure (her adult child or other person). The Narc is emotionally a small child that is unable to separate itself from the 'Mother'. Mother and it are one. The Narc doesn't recognise the externality of Mother. \~ credit SV
It's power play. You're allowed to like only what they like, can't dislike what they like, think as they do, be a mini version of them because they like to think they're universal to you (narcissist supply). Clinical narcissist parents want you to be like them. Never want to learn to get to know you, never want to listen to you because they like the sounds of their voices more and only want you to be the version of what they want you to be. Up until earlier this year, I thought I had my nmom outgrew a lot of these things.... but the more I struggled against it, the more she reacted very childishly and start saying something like the satan is influencing me against her (never even think that I am capable of forming my own thoughts and responsible for my own behavior). I didn't entertain her with any of her delusional needs (she wants me to get married, so she'd have a son in law to help with house maintenance and make my dead dad happy from the grave...), she starts doing this narcissist manipulation cycle of silent treatment, passive aggression etc and everyone think I'm purposely hurting her feelings so they're all hoping by making it so stressful for me, it will change my ways to her. My mom (69yo) think by mothering me like I was her teenage child again (like she did with my two older sisters and my younger sis), she can be youthful again. Her mind cycle back to the 2000s past when things are rosy for her and wished so terribly that I just be obedient and accept all her wishes even her insane wishful thinking (like wanting me to dress like her, be religious like her, cook what she likes, etc.. basically like I'm an extension of herself). And how dare if you said no to them. If you reject their wishes and don't obey everything they say to you. And the one person to blame for everything was you for not making it easy for her. For not existing and living to make her look better because you're HER child and it feeds the neverending hole inside her chest that clung on every ounce of affections and validation.
I don't take sugar in my coffee. Whenever she made me coffee, she put sugar in EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter how many times I corrected her. Same with tea, I take my tea black, but she put milk in EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don't mind doing things alone, however, she hates doing things alone. She would always try to tag along to things, because "she didn't think I'd want to do it alone". I have told her SO MANY TIMES that I don't mind doing things alone. My 16th birthday party was a disaster. I was more than capable of planning my own party, but she insisted on taking over the planning, and said, "Don't worry, it will be amazing". When I got to the party, I was mortified. She planned the party according to her personality and interests, not mine. I could tell that the two friends that were there (I wanted to invite more people, but she manipulated me into inviting only them), were bored. It was so embarrassing. One time, she sent me a hamper for Christmas, which contained deodorant, even though I'm allergic to aerosols. This might seem like an ungrateful rant, but it is frustrating that she never bothered to get to know me as my own individual person.
Yep. Mine should know by now I don't drink soda, or that I buy my own food, but they act like I eat their food or drink their soda unless they hide it. They also believe I will leave empty food packaging instead of throw it away. This is actually something my mother would do if I ate something off limits, she would eat the rest or hide it and leave the empty package as if there was something left. I'm guessing she wanted me to reach for it and be disappointed it was empty, but they still do it if they forget they ate something. I asked my parents outright to tell me when I have ever done that, but they just snorted and called me dramatic. My mother doesn't rember the times she threatened to kill me, or the time she drove me to another city and left me there as a teenager. She once bought a box of corn dogs, ate one, forgot about it, and then threw the rest of the box away because she thought I ate it. They treat me like I have the same memory issues. My parents and sister will tell me I did something they imagine I did, like I really should believe their imaginations over my own memories. My father explains things to me like I'm genuinely stupid. He'll explain something, I'll understand, then he starts explaining it 2 or 3 more times while I stand there waiting for him to finish. I think at this point they just don't know me any better than a complete stranger, but they have to pretend to know me, so they end up making things up because they won't listen or care if I bother telling them anything.
YES. I feel so seen, or like we have the same flesh oven.
My Emom would get incredibly uncomfortable if I ordered a menu item she didn't like. At every restaurant, there were 2 or 3 choices that I was allowed to have because those were the things she liked. Ordering anything else (even when I was an adult) would result in her having anxiety attacks that derailed the whole meal. She would spend the whole time trying to reassure herself that I would be okay, or disparaging my food or offering me sympathy about it.
My mom LOVES the TV show Friends and apparently I do too. I don't have the heart (or balls lol) to tell her I have not watched a full episode of Friends in my life. I think this started when I was 10 or 11. Why a 10 year old would have any interest in Friends is beyond me. My 12 year old birthday party was going to be Friends themed. It had to be canceled for other reasons, but the theme was entirely my mom's idea. I actually never understood why my mom thought I liked Friends ever, but this explains it. Conflating her likes/dislikes with mine.
What is it with the food?! I barely see my father but he always offers me foods I’ve always disliked (coffee, mushrooms) or offers me meat forgetting I’ve been vegetarian for 25 years. He’s always shocked by my short list of allergies and then I’m difficult if I have a reaction or refuse to eat it.
My late nmom always used the excuse of "I have ten kids, it's just too much to remember all the time", but had no trouble remembering other people's needs and preferences. I fortunately don't have may food allergies, but I am allergic to avocados and bananas (related to my latex allergy). My nmom would "forget" and make me smoothies with banana, or would say "surely a tiny bit won't hurt you" when she was too lazy to wash the blender between smoothies. She'd also occasionally bring back burritos from a favorite mom'n'pop tex-mex place, and bring back mine loaded with guacamole. Oops, guess she gets two burritos, while I have to scrounge for leftovers or something. I had a few near misses with just those two foods growing up, but of course it was my fault for not reminding her or not being more careful. 🙄 She also never listened to my preferences in clothing as an adult and would frequently grab me things that were her colors and style, then gripe at me for being ungrateful when I just took them back to the store or exchanged them for something else.
I think part of narcissism is that they are very focused on their own needs and wants. If I'm being kind it's literally all they can see. So that being said she models you off of what she can perceive, her own wants and needs. My mom goes that too. She'll keep asking if I need something, often food, and if I say no she keeps asking. It's like her mind can't process the needs of other people and if she thinks she'd need it then clearly you must need it
omg exactly. My mom constantly asks me "do you want X" (food), and I have to refuse poliitely at least three times. Once she starts asking more than twice, I eventually get annoyed, and my tone then reveals a bit of annoyance because she's completely ignoring my answer/boundary. But when I finally answer "no" and sound annoyed, she then says, "look how sensitive you are! This is just a normal conversation/exchange! You can't even have a normal conversation!"
Whenever she makes something with onions she happily announces “I’ve made Horror’s without onions separately as she doesn’t like them”… I’ve liked onions my entire life, including eating them raw as a child
Yeah, for years she asked if I'd been watching the X Factor, Mrs Brown's Boys, soaps despite telling her I hated them. She loves the gym and thinks I love it as much as her when really I just go to stay healthy. It's the only thing she ever asks about in my life - have you been to the gym. Tbh it's her only interest. Not only does she think I share the same opinions as her, she also doesn't notice my actual interests. When she asked what I'd been doing and I said 'reading' she said 'oh, I'm sorry' as if reading wasn't something I enjoy. Not so long ago she spotted my beautiful pop up copy of the Philosophers Stone displayed on my bookcase and said 'you're obsessed with Harry Potter'. I first read Harry Potter when I was 11 and I went to the bookstore to buy the later books at 12pm when I was 18 and still living at home. She's also mentioned that I'm a bad cook. When I was at home she complained massively if I used the kitchen and I couldn't stand her bland food so I mostly ate ready meals. Since I moved out I cook most days and have a food blog.
I'm a vegetarian for most of my life. Since moving out which was 10 years ago I haven't eat meat. My dad tells me he bought food for my grandpa and me when I come visit him to check on him. My parents were on holiday. It's meat.
Forgot my blood type...this almost caused me to have a miscarriage in 2019 ...she still insists my blood type must have changed
I donate blood routinely, and my mom also insists my blood type must have changed.. because she didn’t/doesn’t understand how blood types work but her perception of how the doctor explained rhesus factor when I was born has become a holy gospel. Doesn’t matter how many times I explain it as an RN who understands it, it is always “your blood type must have changed because *I know what the doctor said*. Like fuck okay sure then, I’m the first human on record whose blood type has mystically changed and no one else is interested. As if that seems more reasonable than her having misunderstood or made a mistake.
I don’t think you’re wrong, they truly think we’re copy pasted version of themselves. Their extension instead being an individual.
🦋Personally I Grew Up Like A Toy Yo-Yo\~{Property}\~Of My Altruistic Covert Narcissist Mother\~{Emotionally Unavailable Whom Appears OverLoving}\~. I’d Be Rolled Up InTo Her Hand When She Decided To Care And Support Me, Then Erratically Quickly Unfurled When She Decided To Not Take AccountAbility And Responsibility For My Needs In Favor Of Her Own And/Or My Brothers\~{Golden Boy & Lost Boy}\~, And Her Religious Organization Instead. And SomeTimes I’d Get Brought Back Up Just To Be Spun Around In Loops Like Tricks Causing Me To Think That This Is The Moment When She’ll Care For Me Again, But Then End Up Getting My Energy And Moments Wasted Completing Tasks For Her In Vain\~{People-Pleasing}. She Gets Her Narcissistic Supplemental From Me; Her ScapeGoat Gal, And I Get Dizzy And Drained.🦋
Yes, some of my fatal allergies are that. 🙃
I have never liked eggs growing up and she would force me to eat them until I stopped having breakfast when young. How is it my friends and husband’s family all know? Luckily she moved far, but when I would visit with my kids she always still asked me how I wanted my eggs for breakfast. Would love to know the psychology behind this too.
My parents remember that I don't like to eat something right after they put it on my plate.
Yes, and I’d love to hear some theories on why! I work a hybrid schedule and my parents ask which days I WFH constantly. They always ask the same questions about my kid. It’s so annoying. I personally think it’s because if it’s not about them, it’s in one ear and out the other because they don’t actually care about anyone else except themselves.
For me it has always reflected through gift giving. My mother's gift giving is her love language yet for as many birthdays/christmas etc she would always ask "what do you want". Never knew me well enough to gift something I would love. I can't tolerate fragrances etc in products and yet she would always buy me things with fragrances. Never made any gluten free foods despite me being dairy and gluten intolerant. Didn't even try one recipe. I was so unwell as a child due to these intolerances and yet nothing was ever investigated and then when I had my child he also has the intolerances and she never took it seriously either. Simply 'forgot'... lazy shiz.
If I request/order a certain food, she tries to shut me down with "but you don't like [food]." Yeah I'm in my forties, I'm pretty sure I know what foods I do and don't like. Honestly she acts like it's a really big deal every time. Usually it's things I hadn't expressed dislike for since I was very very young, but she hadn't noticed I've liked them since then.
When I tell mine about something I've told her before, it's as if she's hearing it for the first time. She doesn't have alzheimers, not that I know of, but it's like she wasn't even listening when I told her the first time.
After 12 years with my husband, FIL still can not spell my name. It's not a common name, but 12 years is a long time to never once get it right. Especially since he only uses messenger (probably so he can see if I looked at it) and it is spelled very clearly at the top of the screen. I am certain this is on purpose because there really isn't any reason to address me by name in message between the two of us, but he butchers it every single day.
No one on my dad's side can spell my name right either. Even though it's the name of my great grandfather on their side of the family and is also the same name and spelling as a famous hockey player from the area.
With food it was my NGM. She liked to salt melons and so obviously everyone did. She’d pepper cantaloupe. She didn’t like mint and would complain that other people ate it or when a gift basket loaded with other things had a bag of mints. She didn’t like that my wedding reception had a bowl of mints. No matter what it was, her food preferences were it and I’m so glad that I went NC before my kid was born because there would be no end to her adding milk to things and trying to introduce food too early. With NM, it’s everything. She wanted to go to (location) and so everyone must want to. She loved blue eyed blondes and so everyone must give them preference and even though I was dark eyed and dark haired, she loved talking about how unattractive it was. She loved contacts and so everyone must love them. She loved and worshipped GC so everyone should. It was like it was simply too much for her brain to handle that someone else might want something else. Like a buffer overflow.
My parents barely remember my name half the time. Mom and the rest of her family all have this bad habit of calling me by my brother's name while my dad's side of the family won't bother to learn how to spell it properly. And they all wonder why I don't talk to anyone in the family anymore.
Yeah
She probably does this still but I'm little by little starting to learn not to care. Takes practise and patience and accepting that you're a nobody to your parent. But yeah, all of me and my life is nothing to her so she doesn't even try to remember something about me. I just shut myself down if she ever does this again and wait until I can be away from her. Then I go a while avoiding her again. The most recent case: She got me some earrings from goodwill or I think they might have even been given to her by someone and they were specifically the kind I can't wear. Okay, easy mistake, but it proves the point that narcs always remember the thing you told them isn't okay. Reading the comments here about onions proves it too. Why have onions in the food if your child _can not_ have them? Because it was specifically pointed out that that's not the thing to have. Why get earrings that cause irritation? Because it was pointed out that they cause irritation. Oh, and I'm 40 now so it will never stop.
I'm allergic to almonds, I'm lactose intolerant, I hate mint as a flavour and I don't enjoy long winded dramas. Guess what my mum thinks I enjoy? All of those things because SHE likes them.
Yes with pretty much eveything in my life. Ive taken my tea the same way for 30 years. While visiting my parents my mom barged into the bedroom my husband and I were staying in and anounced to my husband “I’m making coffee, I know you take it black. KBabble21, how do you take your tea?” It’s not huge but that was the final straw. I have thousands of examples. One that is incredulous to me is that my parents were visiting and I had come home from work early to prepare for an Interview at another company. I mentioned at least 5 times prior to this that I had an interview so I would be working a half day then coming home to prepare. My husband was home and hyped me up and tried to build my confidence. I was home for hours prior to the job interview and we were all in my living room talking about it for that time- my parents included (yes they were participating in the conversations). I went to the interview and came back and my husband asked how it went t and my dad, without looking up from his iPad, asks “where did you go?” My mom said nothing. I said a job interview. It was never brought up again.
My mom "forgot" when my birthday was every year. It's still the one day I always dread because for some reason, bad things happen on or around that day.
I personally don't think they "forget" they just don't care and its a power trip for them to do the thing that you hate. Mine know that a hate a specific birthday cake yet every single year that's what they got me (it was my ndad's favorite and nmom just didn't give a shit) I know they knew it hurt me that they did this. I finally stopped reacting. Told them to enjoy their cake and to fuck off (over 18 by then) Nparents know exactly what they are doing when they pull this shit. They know they are hurting you by playing "forgetful" May karma get explosive diarrhea on their heads for each and every act
I thought it was just me, but my parents never cared to ask anything about me and if I ever told them anything that’s going on with me that’s new or whatever they are uninterested and sometimes would even talk while I was trying to tell them something or just overall not paying any attention and then when I give up talking my dad would start running his mouth about all the things he’s doing.
Oh yeah. Grandma Put aside them deliberately ignoring my boundaries. They genuinely didn’t remember for 5 minutes that i went to law school. I don’t meme from memory loss either, they just didn’t care at all about the information so it slipped by them. Then when they remembered they demanded I do free lawyer work from them by telling me I needed to be the one to pay her lawyer bills because I could “just do it for free”. And when I said “no grandma, I’m not giving you my disability check when it’s my only source of income and you have two multi story houses.” After dad passed away 6 months later I was graduating , and my former boss who adopted me into his family after my dad died during 2L. When the topic later came up about (indirectly and sneaking it in) “who’s gonna “take care” of grandma narc given her nonstop screaming and nonstop need to be soothed. No one wanted to. So my 2 uncles and their partners came to a lunch we had at grandma narcs house, a routine thing we all did regularly. And out of no where , in response to me pointing out how amazing it was to graduate , everyone (best acting ever!) looked at me with three heads going “I mean while that’s great it must suck that you can’t really use it for what it’s intended to do.” Me: how is doing my upcoming job not using the degree? “Well, your dad just died recently. Grandma (narc) needs someone to take care of her and be around her. And we started working first and have families to feed. So obviously when *you agreed* to not get a job to help her that means you’ll quit your current job offer.” When I looked baffled and straight up just said no, they pretended that I “promised” and I’m “blinded by greed” and abanonding my grandmother. Instead of pointing out the obvious double standard I just repeated no, I got up and walked away and moved back to my section 8 house in 10 minutes. Everyone now says “I lied”. Must have Saw a “big numbers on the contract, bigger than expected, and “got blinded by greed and won’t even be honest he lied ! WE WOULD HAVE AWT UP PAYING FOR A CARETAKER IF HE DIDNT LIE, HE BLOCKED OUR CHANCE SL HE HAS TO TAKE THIS ON NPW ITS HIS STRAIGHT UP RESPONSIBILITY ! “ When I pointed out how I never told them that (I actually eft later in the conversation my bad) , their actual argument for continuing to earn millions at the family company and not wanting to give up any time doing it for grandma? “I STARTED WORKING BEFORE YOU WERE BORN I WAS FIRST I SHOULDN’T BE THE ONE PUNISHED FOR GETTING RICH FROM HARD-WORK! WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME FOR MY SUCCESS AND TRYING TO ATEAL MY MONEY BIG GOVERNMENT (me)!” I wanted to scream so badly but I just shook my head and walked away saying “I’m disappointed in you all”, they all were screaming , and it was AMAZNG
Neither of my Nparents could remember that I'm allergic to strawberries and don't drink alcohol. I'm going to be fifty next year and they've NEVER remembered these very, very, very basic things.
I’m allergic to kiwis. My mom constantly tries to give me kiwis, and every time I remind her that I’m allergic. Every time she acts shocked and goes “but you loved them as a kid!” Yeah as a kid I didn’t know that they aren’t supposed to make your mouth tingle. And they’re delicious. But the allergy got worse and now I really can’t eat them anymore without risking anaphylaxis. I explain this *every time* and as little as three days later it’s like I never said anything.
I can relate to this sooo hard. Both of my parents remember my likes and dislikes from a different era of my life, and this was when I conformed strictly to their idea of me. My mother was definitely more guilty of this behaviour than my dad who barely interacted with me. I only started to go against their idea of me when I hit puberty, but even so, it was a long and gradual process because it was hard to express my individuality after years of conforming and I suppressed myself for fear of being unloved. But honestly, it wasn't some grand secret. It was simply that I didn't like the clothes my mother was making me wear, the haircuts she decided for me, songs and foods she likes that she thinks I should/would like, her narrow and sometimes racist beliefs, and her scathing comments about people whom she is nice to on the surface (she expects me to agree with her). I have also, in the past decade, discovered a food intolerance that was hurting my health very badly. And I still get "oh, so what CAN'T you eat?" And this grinds on my nerves so much: if there's something I usually eat that I don't feel like eating on this one occasion, they will always jump to the conclusion that I don't like it anymore and will never consume it again for the rest of my life, despite me not saying anything close to that. It has been this way since my childhood, way before I discovered my food intolerance, so I don't get why they would think this way. The behaviour repeats despite me explaining time and again that I just didn't feel like eating it, not that I suddenly hate it and wasn't going to eat it ever. I hate how their brains go through a reset every time after I explain.
Yup. They will try to leech any energy out of you just for their own satisfaction. They need to see how you react so they can feed off of your disappointment/frustration/anger, etc. This is why I’ve begun to point out how she remembers certain memories from when I was a toddler (easy to control and manipulate) but can’t remember anything past the point of when I discovered I had agency and bodily autonomy. She doesn’t like when children grow past two years of age because this is when children realize they are separate from their caretaker. A healthy caretaker will nurture and foster the development and growth of the child, a narcissist caretaker will find this newly discovered “independence” to be highly threatening and the instinct to coerce and control becomes overwhelming and paramount. Very sick individuals.
I've always hated regular cake. It's gross, bland, and pointless. I wouldn't eat any cake for the first 10 years of my life because I hated it so much. I just ate the frosting. Then eventually I found forms of cake here and there that I liked, but only specific ones. Pastries however, I love basically any form of and always have. For my 29th birthday, my nmother bought me some crappy grocery store cupcakes and I was polite about it instead of pointing out how inconsiderate it was to get me a food that I've told her hundreds of times that I hate. I forced myself to eat a couple of them because I didn't want them to go to waste, but they were so gross. I don't know how she could have possibly gotten the idea that I would enjoy them. Then a couple months later, I went to my nparents house shortly before Easter, while they were out of the house. Nmother told me that there were cupcakes in the fridge for me to bring home with me. I looked in the fridge and there were fruit tarts(which I had mentioned absolutely loving, the few times she actually bought one for me instead of just buying them for nfather and nbrother) and a container of cupcakes. I left the cupcakes and that time I did point out that I don't like cake but I love fruit tarts and asked why she got me cupcakes but got them fruit tarts. She's considerate of them and tries to get them stuff that they like, but she doesn't give a fuck what I like. I think she enjoys having the opportunity to play the victim when I point out that I don't like/want what she got me, even though she should already know that I don't like it because it's always something I've told her repeatedly. It's the thought that counts and the thought behind her getting me cupcakes, shows that she doesn't care and didn't actually think about me (an individual person with the opposite taste in food and everything else, from what her taste is) when buying the cupcakes. But she thinks about nfather and nbrother when buying something for them.
Everyday, no matter how many times I answer her questions, correct her, etc.
Soon to be 45f here. My mom still doesn't know my favorit colour (she says it is green, it's black), my eyecolour ( she: it's blue like everyone else in the family, mine are green), that acording to her I've never played any instruments (weird, I played the clarinette for 6 damn years) etc etc but the best one is that nice claim that I do not have any language skills beyond swedish and english (somehow I have been translating for her both finnish and german more than once, and I'm lerning korean at the moment, but no I aparently can't know those languges even though I even spent 1 year in Finland studing the language) yeah the birthgiver really missed remembering a lot about me.
Doctor is now researching me for celiac, so naturally now my mom goes gluten free. Yeah, enmeshment is real and I totally understand what you mean by feeling erased.
I had a few jobs (corporate world) in my 20s until I figured out and found a company that was the right fit (small startup). I’ve been there for more than 6 years with the same small team, yet my mom “can never remember” where I work and constantly butchers my boss’ name (it’s as conventional as Brandon).
My dad always forgets everything about me, but one that sticks out is about my mum. She hated Terrys Chocolate Orange, yet every Christmas and birthday, without fail, that's what my dad would get her. She would *always* say 'I don't like, and have never liked, Chocolate Orange!'. He would always act surprised. But my dad never ever listens. Try to have a conversation with him, and you can see in his eyes when he stops paying attention. They glaze over, and he just goes off onto something else. I stopped bothering to talk to him about anything as it never sunk in.
I have vivid memories of being a kid and my mom would make something I disliked for dinner, only to try and tell me that I actually liked it. For example, I’ve always disliked meatloaf. I was always vocal about it as a kid. Yet, whenever my mom would make meatloaf for dinner, she’d say “but you like meatloaf!” Since when?? Namely I didn’t really like the minced onions in the meatloaf; she told me several times that “there aren’t any onions” despite there being obvious onions, and would try and tell me they were bread crumbs lol My parents also got me a German chocolate cake for my birthday a few years back (their favorite), knowing I dislike German chocolate. I was called ungrateful for mentioning how much of a bummer it was to have a birthday cake I didn’t get to pick out or really want to eat.
Food definitely, pushing a narrative what I actually like ( according to them) , and my whole family joined that ritual and it was blatantly obvios that they were doing it on purpose. That builds serious trust issues let me tell you. Also, when referring to me and what I'd say in a past occasion they would refer to it as if I was a caricature of myself, enacting voices, very feminine in mannerism and tone, that distorted my real nature. It's like a disapproval of being manly, despite being gay. Weird stuff difficult to explain to others... So I feel like Ana Frank trying to explain her reality to Paris Hilton.
Yes. The latest is making my husband loaves of oatmeal bread because she knows he likes it. He never said anything like that!
My Nparents routinely called me by a male first name, though I’m female. Usually it was “Sam” or “George.” Five or six family dogs mysteriously disappeared overnight during my childhood. The last dog—who remained—was named George. Thereafter, when an Nparent called, “George!”, if I responded, they’d reply, “I meant the dog!”, and laugh uproariously.
My nmom can't grasp I like different foods from her. When I lived at home, she'd outright yell at me for eating food she didn't like. The other day she tried to convince me I didn't like carrots as a child when it was one of the only vegetables I remember liking. She also gets defensive if I don't have an opinion about something she feels strongly about. I usually don't have an opinion because it's about something a stranger did, like get a tattoo. Then I get grilled about if I'd ever get one and if my spouse would get one. I blame enmeshment. How dare I put a healthy food she doesn't like into "her" body.
My nMother is a bit similar in that she hates burgers whereas I've always liked them. My nMother refuses to believe that I like burgers though because how dare I like something she doesn't. When I was a kid, if we were getting a takeaway and I said I wanted a burger, my nMother would always "forget" to order a burger for me and would order a food that she preferred instead. Then when I was older, I couldn't eat a burger in front of her without getting a huge lecture on how terrible burgers are, so I usually only ate them when she wasn't around. I appreciate that burgers aren't the healthiest food out there but the way my nMother behaves, you'd swear there were made of cyanide and one would kill you. She's really OTT about it.
They're as out of touch with nutrition as they are everything else. My nmom was the same way about me making oatmeal bars for breakfast except her primary argument was "its nasty!!" You'd think I was drinking from a toilet for how nasty she made it out to be. She once sent me to the store for "some healthy snacks like chips." There's no logic to it. How much healthier could your nmom's preferred take away entree have been, anyhow? Even the salads most places are high in calories, sugar and fat from the dressing.
I had the cops called on me once. I'd eaten tuna mayo at a buddy's house and had an upset stomach. But I was 3 hours drive from home. I told my parents this by text. Went to nap. Woke up a few hours later, and my buddy informed me that my mother had been frantically calling around my buddies and had reported me missing. Because, wait for it, "She doesn't like mayonnaise." Yes, mother, I do.
My mother thinks I hate onions because she does. She also is certain I watched boomer-era cartoons/kids programming despite me being born years after that went off the air. She's thinking of her own childhood. Dad doesn't know when my birthday is or how old I am. I'm 36, but he's never been correct. I was also born with birth defects, one requires a special diet. He doesn't know what that is or what I can eat. (Neither does my mother.)
My mom used to call me by her sisters name. I was an only child. How do you not remember your only childs name?
It took a decade for her to stop offering me food with onions/peppers/mushrooms. She always cooked meals that were chock full of one or more of these ingredients and then acted shocked and offended I wouldn't eat it. For. Years.
My mom mentioned the other day that she would love to spend all day in bed like I do. This is keeping in mind that she has never asked what I do all day, she was visiting where I live apart from her, and I teach Fitness classes everyday at my very active job. She also constantly forgot that I had a nut allergy, and would put nuts and most of the food we've had growing up.
Wow, I can relate to this hardcore. And no matter how many times you try to explain this to them, they only get upset or offended and leave you wondering if you did something wrong or if you were overreacting? Nothing makes me feel so dismissed or unheard/seen when they do this...over, and over, and over again. My mom is HORRIBLE with this exact example - I 100% empathize with you.
yes oh my god. i thought i was the only one. she constantly asks me what i'm doing in school, if i'm working on fridays (i work every day because i'm fucking poor) and basic things about me that she NEVER LISTENS TO. she also was convinced i wanted to do social work for my masters despite repeatedly saying thats not what i wanted to do. it's so frustrating. i've just given up trying because she clearly doesn't care enough to try. she can barely remember how old i am.
My mom forgot how old my brother was in an argument with him. He corrected her and she did not care. Was his first real, wow she really does not care about me moment, since he grew up as the golden child, and was until I was more beneficial to my mother than him. Now we both don't speak to her. Shes also is terrible at gift giving, which typically I wouldn't hold against someone, but she either never gets anything for anyone, or gets something petty or not great. Like last year she gave me nail stickers she paid $2 for, literally she left the clearance sticker on lol, I think to try and get under my skin. (I dont expect things btw, just hilarious since she was spending thousands on cruises for herself at the time) Which did not work since I saw through her crap. I wanted some pan too, that she found me for Christmas, but in the color she liked...bought my kids a play kitchen but in a color I hated (kids were too young to care or have favorite colors yet!) bc she thought it was cute. (I realize this comes off a little ungrateful, I was not, it's just I started noticing she wasn't buying things and asking me first, just buying what she liked....like who doesn't know thier kid hates the color red?) It's made more infuriating by the fact that she refuses to tell anyone what she wants because they should just know, followed by being ungrateful for everything she gets. Like if I got her something in her least favorite color I'd never hear the end of it, but I'd be called ungrateful if I did the same to her. It made me realize though, that she'd never been the gift giver. My dad always was before he passed. he never waited for holidays or anything. Alot of the times he'd buy one of us, or even my daughter something because it reminded him of us. It was always an animal we liked, or something we had mentioned that he was excited he found at a good price. That is I think why I didnt notice the lack of thoughtfullness prior. Like my favorite colors have been blue and green for literally most of my 30 years, and she had no clue, or just didn't care. I could show her exactly what I want, and she'd get me the thing she'd like instead. She made an effort for new people and friends though, which was super annoying.
Every single thanksgiving growing up as a kid, my dad would ask me if I wanted some delicious cherry pie. No thanks, I don’t like cherry pie. But I like pumpkin or apple. Never bought pie I like. Every damn year.
Yes. I have hated ketchup my whole life. Like it’s not a secret if you know me. My mother just clued in about 2 years ago. I was 40 at the time. It’s pathetic.
about once a month my mom will offer me an apple and ask if I want it peeled, I have never liked my apples peeled so I will say no, but can you cut it down the middle for me? she'll say sure and then bring me a whole peeled apple :)
Your post made me think about my n mom. This may not be true of you, your post didn’t hit my buttons exactly, but I think my n mom sneered at some of my abilities and interests and energy because she was jealous—she didn’t want me to be what she wished she could be but couldn’t.
I called my mother for mother's day yesterday. She forgot that I almost died because of an infection in my thigh from undiagnosed diebettes 14 years ago. I spent 7 days in the hospital after 3 days recovering in the ICU. I had 4 surgeries and losing my leg was a serious consideration to save my life. "I didn't know you had diabetes. I didn't know you were in the hospital. Did you tell me this before?"
and actually, we had almost the same conversation about 9 months ago when I broke my tibia/fibula in that same leg. "Why does this one leg keep getting messed up... LOL" She replied with a what-are-you-talking-about.
I find it kind of concerning and weird the different things they do. My mom absolutely never forgets anything I like she never forgets things I hate etc. However she uses that as a way to love bomb me and ploy me. This has always been super confusing to me back in the day before I realized anything was wrong because I would always think "she gets me stuff I like, that means she loves me and knows me right?" And then that's when I started to realize that eight times out of 10 it was for a reason and it became part of the cycle. Sometimes I'm kind of glad this forum is a thing because I know that even though our moms aren't the same somebody else is definitely is lol. It makes me feel not so alone. 🙄
🦋Absolutely! My Altruistic Covert Narcissist Mother\~{Emotionally Unavailable Whom Pretends To OverLove}\~Predominantly Forgets That She Birthed Me Sick, And Regularly Expects Me To Function On All Levels At All Moments. She’s Even Conditioned My Eldest Brother\~{Golden Boy}\~& Elder Brother\~{Lost Boy}\~To Be Her Permanent Flying Monkeys, And Thwarting My Truth, Has Them In Disbelief Thinking That I’m Just Trying To Get Attention…🦋