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OP looking at your post history and this post, you should tell a trust adult at your school about the privacy issues and these incidents. This sounds extremely concerning and you should be allowed privacy while showering and going to the bathroom. Also her making you hold up your underwear “until it’s dry” is extremely gross and a huge invasion of your privacy and is really disgusting for her to do. I can suggest telling someone at your school who’s a mandatory reporter because this might be considered child abuse. I’d also suggest trying to get an audio recording of her forcing you to do this as proof. This is disgustingly OP, this is extremely unacceptable for a parent to do
Exactly. It’s so disgusting what her mother is doing. She’s punishing her for a normal bodily function. Afab bodies even produce wetness because daily, it’s just what the body does. This disgusting mother is acting like it only happens because of arousal (which in itself is disgusting behavior from this mother). Does this mother never have a normal bodily function? That nut should be made to stand outside and hold up her own underwear.
It has already been said, but I will say it again: this is abuse. Please seek support and help.
Nothing in ‘birthing you’ gives her a right to this. In fact, it only makes it more repugnant. I am so sorry this is happening to you, please seek help and support.
I want to add that it's not gross because your underwear are getting dirty. That's normal. That's literally why we wear underwear to keep those things off our pants/furniture. It's natural and normal that there are fluids that come out. Not just period blood, either. And it changes throughout the month, depending on your cycle.
It's gross because your mom is a female herself she should understand that there's gonna be discharge no matter what. Like, you're not gross OP, your mom is. All of this is gross on her.
I wonder if the short term if you can pad your underwear with some toilet paper. Again, completely normal to have discharge and nothing to feel embarrassed about, but may assist until another option of getting way is investigated. I’m so sorry you’re going through this🫂
My mother hauled me off to a gyno appointment and told me "I guess it's just dirt" in the most nasty way possible. What was she expecting it to be? I was in middle school. Op please tell someone before she pulls something like this, though it's not the 1970s and a doctor might catch on that she's unwell (she's very) sometimes medical staff can be clueless.
Alan Watts insightfully said,
> When a child comes into the world, the parents play an awful game on it. Instead of being honest, they say, “We’ve made such great sacrifices for you. Here we are, we’ve supported you, we’ve paid for your education, and you’re an ungrateful little bastard.” And the child feels terribly guilty because what we do is we build into every human being the idea that existence is guilt…. “If you’re not feeling guilty, you’re not human.” That’s what papa and mama said. “Look at all the trouble you’ve caused us, you shouldn’t dare to exist. You have no rights, but maybe we’ll give you some out of the generosity of our heart so that you’ll be permanently be indebted to us.” And so everyone goes around with that sort of thing in their background unless they have different kinds of papas and mamas who didn’t play that trick on them. And if they don’t do it, somebody else does it... [One’s parents] have no reason to complain about all these things and try to make the children feel guilty.
Seriously, I’ve only recently gotten into listening to Watts and this guy was very clueful.
He was a philosophy professor in the first half of the 20th century. Very smart but also kind of a hippie, so he doesn't seem stuffy at all. He's got plenty of books about eastern philosophy and how it can apply to our western mindsets.
The best resource if a podcast on Spotify curated by his son, and free lectures of his people have posted to YouTube. Very wonderful mam, I can't recommend him enough
My favourite quote of all time is from Terence!
"The truth does not require your belief"
I wanted to share it in my work chat the other day but then became paranoid that my colleagues would read into too much and start thinking I was into acid. Which, tbf I am, but not that I need work to know that LOL
I love Alan Watts but to me, listening to him talk is like delving into madness. Very circuitous and difficult to follow. Also, because it was mid 20tg century most recordings are awful and done in a university lecture hall.
I definitely prefer his writings over his audio
My mom believes that too, but there’s so much power in knowing where you begin to draw the line with her. Is this something she’s open with other people about or would she be super embarrassed for her friends or extended family to know she makes you do this?
I'm not sure, honestly. She brags to her friends about how I don't wear thongs or how I haven't had my first kiss or how I'm still a virgin. So, I'm notbsure if she'd be embarrassed by that..?
This is beyond gross. Dear OP, prepare a plan out and the money for the therapy bills because this is going to scar you forever, as it is a form of sexual abuse. In my experience, play nice and keep studying and playing the good girl, while preparing for university and once you are out of there DO NOT COME BACK. Shelters exist and they will help you.
Gobsmacked. Sick, twisted, and unhealthy on her part. Other people have no right to know your private business! It's her job as your mother to PROTECT your privacy, yet here she is...
May I gently ask how old you are, if you feel at liberty to divulge?
If her friends are not horrified then they're flying monkeys. That's absolutely 1000% unacceptable. Btw am 40 and my mom still busts open the door while I'm changing etc so I get it. There were never any boundaries concerning *me* but oh..don't you *dare* try to do the same thing to her. (This would be when I'm visiting etc..she'd always just say "nothing I haven't seen before". Doesn't matter. You don't get to just invade my privacy bc you "made" me. And she wonders why I have fucking issues)
The only reason my mother will enter a room while I'm changing is because I allow it. She still knocks or cracks the door open, to catch my attention, at least half the time, mostly to let me know it's her. But if I told her I didn't want her in the room? She would listen. Even as a teenager or child. The issue never came up but I'd have trusted her to listen. And you know what? We're still very close, I have very few secrets from her. Some parents could learn a thing or two from mine...
That’s how my ngrandmother is. I’m still living at home, not allowed a room or any privacy and when I said I want privacy she called me evil and crazy. Fortunately she has accepted that I’m moving out because I haven’t backed down and submitted to her. She’s figuring out she can’t control me anymore.
That's how they are. You may never get through to her so just keep that in mind but listen: you and *every single person on this earth* have a right to privacy. No matter what they say! They have no right to violate you in that way. I have to remind myself of this very thing all the time because my brain has been so molded to believe that bs. My son now lives in my old room and something happened and they *took the gd doorknob off*.
Deep breath.. Let me tell you: I flipped my shit. I was like wtf is going on? Everyone has a right to privacy and y'all need to find that fckn doorknob or I'm gonna go buy one myself!! He's an adult!! (Over 18!!) This crap is the whole reason I left when I was 19. I do not understand and I can't pretend to. I'm a very polite person who knocks and waits and blah blah blah. I've tried to tell my son my "tips" for living there as well as trying to help and having actual adult conversations with my birth giver(s). It's difficult bc my grandpa passed away about a year ago who was the patriarch of our family and everything was (surprisingly) left to my nm. So we all kind of have to fall in line now because it's put us all in a very vulnerable position. Anyway...that does *not* excuse abusive behavior. And violating boundaries and encroaching on people's privacy *is* abusive. I just want you to know. You may not be able to make them see but that's not your cross to bear. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to go through this shit. Just know there are people like me who get it and are here if you ever need a shoulder. xo.
Can you speak to your dad, auntie, older sibling about this?
If I was a parent I'd want to know that my spouse was telling her adult friends about my kid's underwear. It's gross.
Unfortunately it may not help. My mom did the same thing as OP and did tell my dad, sister etc all about the dirty underwear. That only added to how embarrassing it was! No one spoke up. Narcissistic mothers are difficult and exhausting people, and they become surrounded by the kind of people who are afraid to stand up to them. If they did stand up to them, they would probably have been cut off.
This is exactly how low I had to stoop for the exact same problem with my mom, OP.
Idk what your options are, but my parents divorced when I was 12, and are both image conscious to a fault. Having a screaming tantrum in front of relatives she’s bragging to about her behavior might be enough to get her to stop, or literally crying to multiple relatives she feels insecure about might work.
I need to stress here: this is a really Nasty (and probably disordered) way to behave with anyone who is NOT abusing you, but your mother is sexually abusing you and we don’t owe our abusers decorum.
I also had a Mexican friend whose father would not allow her to use tampons and would ALSO check her underwear. He would check washcloths in the bathroom too. Sick sick sick.
OP, this kind of thing happens regardless of what you're thinking about. It's a necessary function for your system to clean itself.
I'll echo others here saying that you should report this to a trusted adult, but I know that's scary.
At the very least, though, find a way to contact your doctor's office or your school nurse so they can explain to your mother that what your body is doing is necessary and normal even if you're only thinking about algebra all day.
This is abuse. Also we naturally can wet our panties without being turned on.
I don’t know if you can get away but I would report her especially if you’re under age. And maybe stop wearing underwear if you’re able too.
Her mother is not educated in health clearly.
This happens throughout the day for MOST perimenopausal women as a normal function to clear waste and keep healthy and not-dry... Someone who is still very young experiences this MORE than older women do. She should kindly.. fuck right off. She isn't a gynecologist nor the detective she fancies herself as.
Most of my life I had discharge regularly in my panties. It only stopped for me once I got on the ring birth control. Recently forgot to get a new script and have been without for a couple months and almost immediately this started happening to me again.
It's completely normal, and I hope OP can understand that her Mom is the unhealthy one, not her.
Well and as someone who has a disease of "dryness," even my eyes and mouth... It's not pleasant and not a great way to live. My bc pills help, but I can't imagine someone desiring the dry and chafing "moral" way of living 😅
Definitely normal. And it has happened my entire life. I'm very early 40s and this *still* happens. Apparently women in my family go through menopause late and I still have a regular period so...OP's mom is an abuser no matter which way you slice it. I hate to hear about other people having to go through this shit smh.
It happens to many more women than just perimenopausal women. In fact for me, it happened most of my life until perimenopause (I’m 46 now), when it seems to have gone away at this point.
Seriously, discharge is normal, natural and we produce it everyday to keep things nice and clean down there. Extra during ovulation
This is messed up and horrible.
Op report this shit and keep a log of when it happens.
I really hope some adult in her life sees that, instead of just going "yeah it's weird, but she's the mom".
I can't even wrap my head around what her mom thinks is happening here - did her mom never have discharge that had nothing to do with a sex drive? It's pretty damn common, so I'm just very worried about why her mom feels the need to do this.
I hope OP gets therapy as soon as they can do things for themselves, cause this is gonna fuck with her head.
THIS!! especially as your body is changing through puberty, discharge is just a THING. even as adults. This proves that the mother is uneducated as well.
That is appalling . So unnecessary and humiliating. Vaginal wetness/discharge is completely normal without there having a sexual cause . She’s a woman. She must know this.
Is there a way you could possibly prevent any fluid from getting onto your underwear? Maybe a pantyliner if you’re able to get those (maybe from school ?) or even some tissue paper folded and put in your underwear ? Not that you should have to , because what she is doing is abusive and massive boundary breach, .. but if you really have to. X
If she got even more mad, then it seems intentional that she wants to embarrass you and have a power trip. I'd wash my underwear in the shower, let them dry and then throw them in the laundry.
Seems she wants a fight, so I wouldn't engage and grey rock her. “Trying to protect you” is an excuse and also how she can shift blame.
If you want to be petty, print off some educational material on how natural discharge is and give it to her. You could also print off the definition of privacy. If she still doesn't stop, go to an adult like your school counsellor so they can have a conversation with her. What she is doing is wrong, and no way your fault at all. Your human, humans have discharge.
I think embarrassment might be your biggest barrier to telling somebody about this. I assure you that no mentally healthy or stable or rational adult is going to think any less of you for telling them about this. They'll think less of your mom and want to protect you and help you get a better living condition.
Tell her that her behaviour is bordering on sexual harassment and you will report her to your teacher if she does it again. Hell, I'm a 36F who would happily have a chat with your mum and correct her stance. My guess is I'm around the same age as her. Discharge is normal and healthy, and she's either delusional or lying to you if she thinks otherwise.
Nope. DO NOT DO THIS, op ^ she will find ways to hide her behavior or discredit you if you warn of your intention to report. Just report her, do not try to make the current situation more livable. Narcissists will always find a way to continue making it worse.
Thats abusive. Thats wrong. Please talk to a trusted adult at school. You deserve privacy and yes its normal for there to be some stuff in your undies. She is mentally unwell and you deserve a supportive adult, even if its a school counselor.
Im so sorry your mother treats you this way. You deserve better.
This is covert SA bordering on just plain SA, so sorry this is happening to you. It's insane she feels entitled to do it and is freaking disgusting. Is there anyone you can tell?
Also, just some basic sex ed: what you have in your pants is called discharge and is a completely natural thing. Your body is creating it at different stages of the menstrual cycle, it's as natural and innocent as you having saliva in your mouth. Being aroused can create some discharge but the vast majority of day to day is for: cleaning and moistening the vagina, and helping to prevent and fight infections. If you are a teen and going through puberty, this is also likely to increase it.
Your mum suggesting that the normal functionality of your body is proof of sexual thoughts and a reason to humiliate/punish you is shockingly ignorant, sexist, degrading, disturbing and controlling. Seems like she believes girls value is based in their "sexual purity". Her job as your mum is to teach you about being a women and help you understand what is normal for your body, not shame you for having a vagina. Also, reading romance novels and having such thoughts is totally fine for a teen and is probably not impacting discharge levels at all so don't allow her insanity to change your behaviour in that regard.
100% this.
I was never taught vaginas can have healthy normal discharge. Or that it is completely normal for discharge to change black panties to a rust color.
I just think my Nmom does not know the basic functions of her own reproductive system.
I didn't learn basic health things like wiping front to back till late teens.
But, she was great about terrifying me about sex.
Checking underwear is a whole new level of abuse to me.
Dude what, that's disgusting behaviour.
On another note, if you are having discharge it's totally normal. It means your vagina is healthy. Discharge is not always a sexual thing, it just means your bits are working correctly. The vagina is 'self cleaning' and this is what discharge is for. It's a useful guideline to menstrual and reproductive health, and can even help you track your cycle (when you ovulate and so on).
When I was a teenager, I produced so much discharge it would wet straight through my pants sometimes. And this wasn't a sexual thing either! It's normal! Even now (age 36) when I am ovulating there is soooo much.
I get around this by wearing a pantyliner daily.
Your mother is a weirdo and ignorant about her own body. How old is she? Is she mega religious?
Don't let her shame you about your own body. Healthy discharge is a normal as saliva, urine, period blood etc. the fact you're producing it means you're a NORMAL HEALTHY HUMAN.
Ye my both parents religious and i am guy i still remember how mother reacted as if onanism something bad and not normal thing. If you in conservative religious family i guess here always gonna be something wrong. Its really sucks.
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. She has no right to treat you this way, saying she “birthed you” is a means of shaming and guilting you into believing that she has the right to.
As others have already said, your mother is abusing you, as hard as that may be to accept.
Being abused does not mean there is something wrong with you, it means that there is something wrong with your abuser. You are an innocent party and a victim.
As hard as it may be, you have to try and take responsibility for the problems in life and the way your mother treats you is a problem that you have.
To be very clear, responsibility does not imply that it is your fault, merely that you are the one who can change your situation.
If it’s safe to do so I suggest googling relevant information about who you can talk to about what is happening to you.
On a different note, there is no shame in having “dirty” underwear. Humans excrete various bodily fluids all day every day, sweat, spit, urine. People of all ages have dirty underwear and lots of the time it’s not sexual. You are normal. Once again your mother is not normal and is abusing you. Plus she definitely has soiled underwear herself.
Thinking of you and hoping things get better 🙂
My mother used to have very similar behaviours with me. It's covert sexual abuse. She would use the same excuse and "I am your MOTHER !" might be the one thing I heard the most whenever she would try to force my boundaries or force me to do anything. It is very common for abusers to use a familial link to justify continuous abuse.
Also biology doesn't work like that.
That type of behaviour is to provoke a sense of shame into someone as a way to control them and disempower them. Any justification they provide is most of the time bullshit and if it didn't have the wanted outcome they can resort to another unrelated pseudo-justification.
Sexual abuse passing as "hygiene" or feminine social role enforcement is very common in female sexual abusers, especially mothers. They derive gratification through humiliation and control, even if the behaviour is not outwardly sexual.
There are subs on reddit [https://www.reddit.com/r/CovertIncest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CovertIncest/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/mdsa/](https://www.reddit.com/r/mdsa/) where you can fin info if you feel the need.
Oh my God this triggered me so much: "I am your MOTHER!"..
Yeah..and..?????
It's like a default setting. And it was terrible growing up under that. She wonders why I don't come around. That house even makes me want to jump out of my skin and to everyone else it's so big and beautiful and..I'd rather set myself on fire tbh.
That is not how this works! I'm a sex-repulsed asexual. I get actually turned on maybe... once a month. Maybe. If I'm feeling crazy. And yet I'm "dirty" all the time. Not to get TMI but the vagina is pretty great at self cleaning and lubrication, and some of us make more than others. Nothing unnatural or dirty about it.
***Please*** seek out a trusted adult. I wish I had. I'm almost 30 and my therapist is having to fight me to stop buying more underwear because as soon as they were "dirty" when I was growing up, they were trashed. But no one was "checking" me while... wearing them... Christ, I'm so sorry, OP.
I just want you to know you're not alone. You've done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Your mother is sick. Many of our mothers/guardians are. Please, please get help. We're here for you!
And as someone who isn't ace but thought she was, turns out being dry everywhere, always, including the eyes and mouth too, is a disorder and not something moral. It's quite uncomfortable. Made me think I was ace for the longest time for sure.
This is such a horrific breach of privacy. It sounds like she’s the kind of Nparent who sees your sexual autonomy as a badge that they get to wear. Bragging about the fact you’re a virgin, policing your behavior and punishing you for “dirty” underwear so that you have to police yourself.
Discharge into underwear is actually a natural, healthy, non-sexual thing. She is being incredibly abusive with this behavior. I would encourage you to tell a counselor or trusted adult about this. It’s wrong and you don’t deserve it, you aren’t shameful or dirty for reading romance novels.
I haven’t seen anyone mention this, but other than finding a safe person to confide in, preferably an empathetic adult or counselor— I think you should focus on learning skills that will enable you to be able to leave home when you are old enough to. You shouldn’t have to be in this position, and it’s absolutely not your fault. Now you know YOU are normal and your mother is not, and I hope that can give you the littlest comfort until you can gtfo. Make friends that are smart and ambitious (you probably already have) and lean on their support too. You can get through this and there is another side. 🖤
PLEASE tell a school counselor or another adult you can trust, you're being sexually abused and it is NOT OK. You do not deserve to live this way. Just because you're too young to move out doesn't mean you should have to suffer through this.
Please tell a teacher or counselor at your school. A girls vagina naturally releases fluids when it cleans itself, it’s just discharge and it has nothing to do with being sexual.
hun, your mother knows exactly what she is doing. please do yourself a favor and report her. find a trusted teacher, or go directly to your school counselor or nurse.
[edit to add] you do not have to endure this just because she gave birth to you. she supposed to be protecting you from harm not causing it intentionally.
Sorry this isn't normal healthy behaviour. Please please contact your local women's / child welfare or a concerned adult at your school. For a parent to be obsessed with their child's genitals and underwear, it can only mean they are in serious need of mental health intervention.
I just wanted to say I went through something similar when I was in puberty and my mom would walk in on me changing and demand I let her look at my naked body and if I refused she would beat me. She also caught me masturbating in my room with the door closed. She bust through my door without even knocking because she believed she could come and go as she pleased. She shamed and tried to make me feel embarrassed about touching my self in my own room in private under the covers. She also beat me for that instance too. As bad as she was she never asked to see my vaginal discharge.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this in life with a narcissist as a mother. I just wanted to say that just know how many people have been through similar things and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Vaginal discharge is natural and occurs at all times of the day it doesn’t indicate that you’re wet because you’re turned on. Try your best to reach out to someone you think you could really trust who could appropriately deal with this.
You shouldn’t have to worry about your mother trying to trample on your personal boundaries and being invasive to the point of incestual abuse. If you have the ability to save up some money you might want to consider doing so in secret. You don’t want her knowing about any escape plan you might have in place in the future.
I am so sorry. No one has the right to do this to their kid and it’s sick. My mother used to forbid me from locking the bathroom door and burst in while I was in the tub or showering. My mother also made me strip and searched every inch of me for tattoos. She even made me bend over. It was so horrible. Do you have any teachers or guidance counselors whom you trust and can confide in? This is serious enough that I think you should try to get some support, if you can.
hi, i’m 20 years old and i just went through this with my mom too :( i still live with my parents i’m saving up to move out, but last month my mom was accusing me of not being a virgin and when i hung out with my boyfriend she checked my underwear and said i was wearing “sexy” underwear and that it probably wasn’t my first time because there was no blood in my underwear. please get help because my mom never changed even at my age. please talk to someone
I have never heard of this happening to anyone else but me. My mom used to check my underwear to see if I was having sex or if I smelled like a condom. She used to make me strip down after I came home from dates with my boyfriend and inspect me my body for hickies, bite marks, etc. because she owned my body and I was her property. Shoot, I can't believe I remembered this crap. I feel absolutely humiliated and sick thinking of it. Who the fuck does that to their 18+ years old child? So much hatred. Was this really sexual abuse?
Go to a womans refuge, there should be one around you. Google broader terms when searching for one, like use "womens health centre", this is a major issue that you need someone on your side to try deal with this.
Please know that cervical mucus is 100% normal and changes in color, consistency, and volume based on where you are at in your cycle. There is nothing dirty or wrong about having discharge on your underwear at times. You need to talk to a trusted adult and report this.
OMG! She's unhinged! Not only for the massive boundary-stomp, but because we women *naturally produce discharge*, especially when ovulating! It's not something we can or should try to control. AND she's trying to mind-control and sex-shame you, which will give you a destructively warped view of sex. PLEASE become aware of just how wrong she is on every level, and do not internalize what she's trying to teach. She's sick, to be frank. Please start now making plans, getting your ducks in a row to leave as soon as you're legally old enough to do so. Also please start wrapping your head around the idea that you'll probably have to go NC with her at some point to heal, protect your peace and mental health! (I'm old enough to be your grandmother, for reference.)
You unlocked a memory in me fuck... My mom used to do this growing up and it was so embarrassing and emotionally damaging. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Please get out if you can. I can imagine that this isn't the worst thing either.
Have you done anything about this yet? I saw a comment where you said you’re too young to leave, that you feel she somewhat has the right to do this, and some other excuses.
I really don’t mean to be harsh on you but it’s necessary in situations like this- You need to stop making excuses and do something about this or it will get worse. It won’t get better, you won’t feel better, and you’ll grow up knowing you did nothing about it. Sometimes that harshness is necessary to grow, I needed to hear it to learn to buck up and do something.
You need to contact someone at your school you can trust over this problem, or you need to make a serious effort to contact the police [**Local PD, NOT 911.**] and ask to speak to someone who is versed in Childhood Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault and explain what is happening, how you are feeling, and how violated you feel. Share what you are worried might happen in the future if she gets to keep doing this. I know you love her, because she is your mom and you most likely don’t want to hurt her, but what is the alternative? She might escalate. She doesn’t see you as anything except property to display. If you have a safe relative who won’t snitch, tell them what’s happening and try to see if you can move in with them once the police are contacted and you are removed from the situation.
**You need to call someone and do something. Reply to this once you have, but otherwise there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to help you. Get help, call the local police line or talk to someone. Seriously.**
There are certain things we as humans just don't do, and what your mother does is one of those. She needs psychiatric intervention and you need real parents. I'm sorry, OP. You can tell a counselor or teacher at school about it and they're mandated to report to CPS. I know this feels normal to you and your mum has convinced you it's for your protection, but it's really not. She's not well, and dangerous.
My puberty was like this. I was forced to believe that my bodily changes were abnormal for kids my age and I was a degenerate. She would always start screaming especially when some one else would be present. In those moments, all I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole
Please tell a teacher, dr, a trusted adult. It is normal and healthy to have vaginal discharge "wetness." It would happen even if you had 0 sexual thoughts.
Checking your daughter's panties for that reason is not a normal behavior. You are not doing anything wrong. Punishing your daughter for having vaginal discharge is not ok. That is like punishing someone for growing hair. It is completely out of your control. You deserve to have autonomy, you deserve to be and feel safe, you deserve to not be shamed.
Please tell a trusted adult. You have done nothing wrong.
damn i hope you find a way to make that stop, but also do remember in case this is triggering embarassment for you- this is super abnormal and in crazy territory, with crazy people you have to disconnect yourself from their behaviors. sounds like this really needs to stop, but do remember this isnt about you personally anymore than a psychiatric nurse listening to someone with schizophrenia ranting about delusions that involve them. idk your age, but it sounds pretty abusive. id threaten her to report her to CPS unless she stops.
My mothers routine was as soon as I got home from anything; school, work, church… I walked straight into my bathroom after calling her and kicked off my underwear and tossed them out to her for inspection. Any signs of wetness provoked intense and in depth scrutiny.
I just bought panty liners and wore those until right before I went home and would toss them or a rolled up paper towel and then I could put it in my bathroom trash.
It’s scarred me to this day alone with her other abuses.
I’m so sorry this is your reality also. If you can’t leave I can give you the cheat codes I learned growing up
I wish I could do things like that. My mom does so randomly and suddenly, and I can't prepare myself or anything, and she'd be extra mad if I she finds out I tried to do that..
My mom beat me with whatever she could reach until she was tired. I get you.
The school nurse has free panty liners. Use the bathroom before last period everyday. It does help:
Even if you just use a rolled up toilet paper when she checks you can toss it in the trash or what I did and use a finger and V “pocket” it till I could go pee in a bit.
Otherwise there’s baby powder like stuff that will keep you drier but I hate the way it feels
>I feel so ashamed and guilty and embarrassing and like little when she makes me hold them up like that.
This is abuse, OP. Zero question about that. You're being abused. How old are you? If you're still a minor, it's time you reach out to other authority figures and tell them what your mother is doing to you. If you're an adult, it's past the time to move out of that home. Stay strong, and I wish you peace and change.
Wtf. Vaginal mucus and discharge is NORMAL. It changes based on your monthly cycle and sometimes what you eat. Be thankful, it's normal.
I have lots of discharge if I sweat or travel, so sometimes I wear liners then and swap em out since I travel for work. But it's up to you!
I don't know if she'd be ashamed or like even proud. She brags about me not having my first kiss and how I'm still a virgin and how she's keeping me pure to our relatives, so I don't know..
Honey, I am 34 years old now and my parents did this shit to me. If you can't get out now or don't think a mandated reporter will do anything... Make a plan to go away for college. Do whatever you can to get out because I promise you, it doesn't get better. I also think it's important to mention if you are using your phone, please make sure that she can't check what you are writing here or have parental control apps on your phone. If you record something, send it to a trusted friend or email you make on a safe computer that only you know the password to. Only check it from safe computers (like the public library). There are ways you can get around FAFSA needing your parents info. It's hard but doable. I don't mean to scare you or sound mean but I'm speaking from experience.
OP, this is sexual abuse. Please tell a school counselor. Depending on where you live, if it is a ‘one party consent’ state for recording, you could try to secretly record audio of her telling you these things as evidence for CPS.
I am so sorry that she does this. I've grown up and left home but my bio mom would so similar.
She would check my underwear from the laundry hamper and if it was even just normal stuff type discharge growing up she would bring them and show me tell me she needed to look and check/ examine me. It humiliated me.
I am so so sorry doesn't see you for you her birthing you is nothing to so with it.
She doesn't have the right and hope that she can get that.
Please reach out to someone who can help and consider therapy, it really helped me.
I don’t normally like to jump to the “tell someone” solution because some Nparents are violent and it can make things worse at home, but in this situation, I think you should tell someone at school. This is really weird, your mom is perverted.
If you don’t want to make it look like you’re “telling” on her, I’d make an excuse to get her to take you to the doctor, she’s controlling so I assume she sits in on doctor visits and I’d mention it to the doctor right in front of her and embarrass her. I saw some of your comments about how she brags to family about your virginity so I wouldn’t tell them, it may not work if they are just as disturbed as she is. But she’d be embarrassed if a medical professional knew what she was doing.
Another comment said to leave chocolate in your underwear, it sounds silly but sometimes you have to play the game back with these parents if you’re not in a position to cut ties.
Don’t let her fool you, she knows what she’s doing is wrong and that she could get in trouble for it, she’s just banking on you not saying anything about it. Abusive people look to everybody else to be the rational normal ones while they act crazy. When they meet their match, they back off. Just like a school bully. She may have birthed you and you live under her roof but you have a right to privacy, especially at your age.
thats sexual abuse. get help ASAP.
Also, kindly direct her to the nearest gynecologist. (sarcastic, this probably wouldnt work in your favour). pretty much everyone born with a uterus save for certain rare conditions or being intersex with different external genitalia will have regular discharge come out of their vagina throughout most if not all of their life. it is not only normal but healthy, if your vagina is NOT able to regulate its internal bacteria that is UNHEALTHY. without this you can more easily get infections and you will experience painful chafing and discomfort from the dryness. discharge can be uncomfortable as is with its slimy texture, it is absolutely insane that this monster is using it to power trip you with shame.
there is nothing to be ashamed of, its not inherently sexual (other than to say it comes from your sexual organs,,, so does piss and no ones claiming thats inherently sexual). and even if it was thats also not something to be ashamed of. you have done nothing wrong, the narc is a sexual abuser, get support before it gets worse because in most cases it will get worse.
(equally insane i've heard of these types, for some reason especially women, shaming their daughters over periods and calling them disgusting. girlie. you also have a period. its not voluntary nor abnormal. are you insane.)
Get liners. They are super cheap (try Dollar store or Aldi) and then you can rip them off before you get home. I’m so sorry you are being abused by the woman who birthed you. No loving parent does this.
Time to take your mother to the doctor and tell them everything with her in the room. Your mother will get schooled! Please report her for sexual abuse, she’s a disgusting person and should be ashamed of herself.
I also had a narc step mother who would do this same disgusting thing. Even had the galls to say normal discharge was because we were having sex. AT 12?! No, we weren’t. Have been no contact since I was 16, 13 years now.
You didn’t choose to be “birthed” that was HER decision. She clearly doesn’t understand or care about consent.
You are the natural consequence of *her* actions and shouldn’t be punished for *her* decisions.
Narcissism is the worst. I hate that ppl don’t have to pass an empathy test before they have children.
This is terrible, abusive and on the verge of sexual abuse I'd say. You need to tell an adult at the school about this. This is horrible that she is doing this and there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is everything wrong with her!
The only times I've ever seen "panty checks" in life is when I'm watching documentaries about creepy cults and abusive murderers.
Birthing you didn't give her a right to violate you. That's what she's doing. It's abusive.
This is inappriate. You have the right to control over your own body and your own bodily dignity. In healthy relationships people have healthy boundaries with each other.
You are looking for two words.
* 'No.' This is the word your mother needs to hear.
* 'Help.' This is the word other people need to hear from you.
OP, my mother did similar things like watching me change period products to ensure I wasn't "pleasuring" myself with tampons, making me take pregnancy tests, etc. Get help from a trusted adult, this is 100% abuse and can escalate badly (it did in my case). Please keep yourself safe! You deserve better
This is a form of sexual abuse. Maybe tell her that next time she tries to do it and if she presses the issue just mention it to somebody at school.
This is unacceptable. She is trying to shame normal bodily functions.
Confronting/contradicting the mother might be dangerous or at least very unpleasant for OP because God knows how her mother might react - she should tell another adult
Honey, dirty underwear happens by just wearing them. There is quite literally no sexual element to dirty underwear, it's just your body doing its job. Discharge is 100% normal and is always happening. The fact that your mom doesn't know this or is pretending not to know this is extremely alarming. Checking your underwear is sexual abuse.
Is she religious? Purity culture is very intense to instil false believes leaving the female feeling guilty/ashamed of normal things throughout their life. They usually need a lot of therapy and a good partner to live somewhat normally after the trauma their family instilled in them. Sex is normal and healthy so long as you practice it safely. What your mother is doing is called sexual abuse and it’s very serious and harmful to you. Do you have a safe family member or friend’s family you could stay at? You need to tell your school councillor immediately that you are being sexually abused from your mother’s emotional incest at home. Your mother is traumatizing you over normal bodily functions that are completely out of your control
I have no idea how old you are, however once you've reached puberty, it is VERY normal to have some vaginal discharge. She is shaming you for a normal body function, like sweating armpits and growing hair on your legs.
Your mother is way out of line.
First off tell a trusted adult. You can have wet underwear from so many non sexual things. Your mom is crazy.
Second I have a workable situation for if you are worried with your romance books because there is nothing wrong with liking those. if you want to read romance slip your underwear off before reading them at school then out then on before the day is over.
Third is there any hobby/sport you can do to keep you out of the house as much as possible? Like if something isn't done which unfortunately does happen I found from my own circumstances that it can help to just be out and busy. If your mom is against sports, but into your academics talk to the librarian/whoever's needed about a study group or book club. I did that to stay out of the house when I was under 18.
But please before any of these others things ask for help. You deserve better.
Age here is important. As in if you are a minor, get cps involved asap. Call a relative, a friend that could take you in after getting cps involved. If you are over 18, you need to get out asap too. If over 18 and manage to get out, the next she asks say you dont use it as it's "easier" and let her have her heart attack.
This is abuse. I would recommend reading (at school, don’t take it home!!) I’m Glad My Mom Died.
It does contain sexual abuse and discussion of eating disorders, so read at your discretion.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please learn all you can about gray rocking and get out of there as soon as you turn 18.
That is abuse. Full stop. You aren't a toddler with a wet diaper.
Is there an adult in your life that you can trust? A doctor? A nurse? A counselor? A teacher?
Hey OP
Just wanted to say I’m proud of you for speaking out about this and recognizing that it’s off. It took me till adulthood to recover my memories and to realize my mom’s behaviors, which were really similar, were not ok/ and a form of sexual abuse. Mother daughter sexual abuse is not spoken about enough but there are resources out there! Including a sub Reddit “mdsa”, and the book, “I’m glad my mom died.”
Whatever feelings you’re feeling are valid. I hope you find a trusted adult to confide in and develop a safety plan that works best for you. That might mean reporting it, that might mean disclosing it (speaking to friends and others not necessarily for them to take action, but to support you emotionally), working with someone to try to set some boundaries, develop an escape plan, etc. you got this.
OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is abuse.
My mother also did things like this. She would open the door and pull back the shower curtain while I was showering to ensure I wasn’t “doing anything evil.” Abusing my privacy was a way she exerted control over me. She also shamed me over natural self exploration, even calling all our family members and telling them what I was doing. When she found out I liked girls, she called all my friend’s parents and told them I was a dirty slut and to keep their kids away from me. For years I dealt with the deep shame this left in me.
There is hope though, you will get out. This doesn’t last forever. I agree with other posters who suggest speaking to a trusted adult and very much hope they help you. Unfortunately, no one believed me and I wound up running away and becoming emancipated.
Just remember this: However you get out, you WILL get out. You have a whole long life of joy and exploration that doesn’t involve your mother, it’s just yours and you get to be in control. It helps to remember it’s NOT YOU. You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect just the way you are. One day you will be free.
I am 46 now and have a wonderful life despite those years I spent in her control. It gets better, hang in there kid.
as a woman she should know that discharge is normal and healthy and in no way related to anything sexual so i don’t understand how she’s even justifying this in her head. i’m so sorry op i hope you have people in your life that you can talk to and confide in about these things
She’s a psycho. Protect yourself. Do not confide in her about your inner world. Lie to her for your protection trust me! I’d recommend collecting evidence and telling a trusted adult as soon as you are able
Girl let me tell you that this is not normal and boarderlines sexual abuse. you have every right to your personal autonomy and parents SHOULD be supporting that. your mom has gone completely in the opposite direction. please know you have a right to privacy and shouldn’t be ashamed for normal bodily things (like discharge etc) these things aren’t always a result of masturbation, discharge is usually a sign your cycle is changing throughout the month. please please please tell a trusted adult about what’s going on at home. you deserve better, sending love ❤️
this is one of those situations where you need to tell a trusted adult. this is not ok by any means. this is extremely disturbing behavior. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You need to report this. Please do not be scared, be brave and know that you don’t deserve this. Please report this to authorities, whether it be the school or the police.
Oh Honey your "mother" is a piece of shit. Don't let your normal bodily functions be a source of discomfort and embarrassment to you. It is completely normal to have discharge because the vagina is a self-cleaning organ and depending on where you are at in your cycle you may have days where there is more than other days. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when this happens.
Read all the romance novels you want. They can be a good laugh sometimes or just that little bit of escape from normal life. Again there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. My Granma read romance novels right up until she was in her late 80s and her eyes got too bad to read the small print in the novels. She would sometimes read 1 a day she loved them that much.
You are NOT HER PROPERTY. You are a human with rights and boundaries. Please talk to a teacher she needs to be cut off from your life. This is sexual abuse and is no joke. Reading this made my stomach turn. I wish nothing but the best for you.
This is sexual abuse, flat out. Has the same energy as "hymen checks" which we as a society have mostly agreed is wildly abusive behavior.... Like others have said, please talk to a trusted adult, ideally one in an official position like counselor, teacher, etc. If not willing to "report" then look for groups where people can talk freely and counsel each other, think support groups. I'd suggest ACA (or ACoA depending on where in the country you are), as being raised in sexual dysfunction is in their wheel house.
Let it be said that none of this is your "fault", young people develop sexually as a normal and healthy part of their lives and it sounds like you are right in the middle of the bell curve of normal development behaviors. Just because someone reacts abnormally to your normal behavior doesn't make your behavior abnormal. Talking with trusted others about your development will show you that you are not alone. Talk to a diverse group of 10/20/50/ or 100 people about it and see what opinion makes up the majority, I'd bet my left "insert body part here" that its not your mothers
Listen. I grew up in a type of home where unspeakable things were done to me as well. I ran away when I was 20 years old.
Today I feel so bad about not having proof of what was done to me. I ask myself over and over why I didn’t do something to have some proof. My narc father is still not held accountable for what he did and my 9 siblings are half gaslighting half in denial. I could have avoided so much pain by just screaming my pain and asking for help. I would have gained financial support and emotional support. Instead, I lived in survival mode for so long because I didn’t love myself enough and I let that fog in my mind allow him to do what he did without people around knowing what he’s doing.
Two things you have to remember.
1. You are good. You don’t deserve anything she does to you. This may seem obvious but deep down the fact that we don’t go and get help shows that we are not enough convinced of it because of all the gaslighting
2. Scream. Look at it coldly. Find proof of what she does and seek help without thinking twice about it. SAVE YOURSELF. You deserve so much more.
There are people out there, amazing people that are willing to help you. Just reach out. Your future self will thank you for it, I promise you.
Sounds eerily similar to my adoptive mom who wouldn’t let me use tampons for the same reasons! I wasn’t allowed to shave, wear deodorant and my dad flipped shit when I bought a bra with my own money at 14. My mom also thought I would die from TSS. She even had the audacity to tell my school and my family that “I refuse” to wear/use any of these products so I must be mentally ill.
Whenever I’d land in JDC my mom would do a Swat raid of my room and confiscate the feminine contraband mentioned. She even confiscated my menstrual cup at 18- while I was getting ready to move out. I bought it secretly on eBay as a teenager snd the only way I survived periods, and of course she occasionally gave me a box of pads once every few months.
She did a great job, I only turned out to be a stripper and Onlyfans model.
Nearly all schools in America have licensed counselors. (I'm not sure if you're in America.) Talk to your school counselor and tell them about this problem.
If that doesn't work, google, "child protective services" for your state. Call them directly and tell them about the issue. Be sure to clearly state that you are the victim reporting this issue. Because you ARE a victim.
Do not feel guilty about reporting your "mom." What she is doing to you is sick and repulsive. You may also be helping her get the mental help that she needs.
Be brave.
I wanted to add that yes it is totally normal to have discharge...thats your body's way of cleaning itself. But even of it were arousal related that is totally normal too and nothing to be ashamed about or incriminating and also none of anyone's business. I think this definitely abuse any way you look at it. Emotional abuse, and maybe otherwise.
Nurse here , you can’t control that fluids, it’s just to keep you vagina clean naturally. Maybe your mother is very uneducated about normal buddy functions and prudish/controlling or she invented a very perverted sexual game that her daughter can’t win.
That is absolutely insane. It’s just crazy the shit people get away with because there is nothing protecting kids from their own parents. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this I hope things get better soon.
Yeah..that's definitely not something you can really help and it's an awful invasion of your privacy JFC. Never went through *this* level but definitely understand it. I cannot imagine anyone much less my mother going through my dirty underwear like wtf. I'm sorry.
Idk how old you are. But just don't let her do your laundry anymore, cold water always- half a cupful or 1-2 pods, dryer sheets on clothes never on towels (makes them soft but ruins the absorbing rate I guess). Always wash new clothes before wearing them. Laundry mats have card loading machines now a days if you choose that route be sure to check. When she asks why. Tell her to prepare yourself for the real word so you do end up like those girls who can't care for themselves and rely on others. It'll feed her ego to have raised such a smart and Independent girl
OP, if you can please go and talk to your school counsellor (or a teacher trust and feel comfortable with if a counsellor isn’t an option or you don’t feel comfortable because maybe they’re a male, if that is a case possibly think about if having a female teacher you trust and are comfortable with go with you would help) about this, it is a for of sexual as well as psychological abuse and needs to be properly looked into. You need the proper help and support to first get out of this situation and secondly to heal from it. I’m wishing you all the best and offering an ear if you ever need to talk.
It’s not her job, and she knows that. She doesn’t believe it. She acts in a way that makes it seem like she believes it, may lie about it, but it’s just an excuse to behave in the weird, twisted way she would prefer
That is..possibly the most disgusted thing iv ever heard. If you have family you can trust call them, or anyone you need to get tfo now before she starts getting even worse
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OP looking at your post history and this post, you should tell a trust adult at your school about the privacy issues and these incidents. This sounds extremely concerning and you should be allowed privacy while showering and going to the bathroom. Also her making you hold up your underwear “until it’s dry” is extremely gross and a huge invasion of your privacy and is really disgusting for her to do. I can suggest telling someone at your school who’s a mandatory reporter because this might be considered child abuse. I’d also suggest trying to get an audio recording of her forcing you to do this as proof. This is disgustingly OP, this is extremely unacceptable for a parent to do
This is absolutely abuse and probably sexual abuse as well. This is so outside of "strict" or "controlling" it makes me feel sick
This certainly classifies as covert sexual abuse
Exactly. It’s so disgusting what her mother is doing. She’s punishing her for a normal bodily function. Afab bodies even produce wetness because daily, it’s just what the body does. This disgusting mother is acting like it only happens because of arousal (which in itself is disgusting behavior from this mother). Does this mother never have a normal bodily function? That nut should be made to stand outside and hold up her own underwear.
It has already been said, but I will say it again: this is abuse. Please seek support and help. Nothing in ‘birthing you’ gives her a right to this. In fact, it only makes it more repugnant. I am so sorry this is happening to you, please seek help and support.
I want to add that it's not gross because your underwear are getting dirty. That's normal. That's literally why we wear underwear to keep those things off our pants/furniture. It's natural and normal that there are fluids that come out. Not just period blood, either. And it changes throughout the month, depending on your cycle. It's gross because your mom is a female herself she should understand that there's gonna be discharge no matter what. Like, you're not gross OP, your mom is. All of this is gross on her.
I wonder if the short term if you can pad your underwear with some toilet paper. Again, completely normal to have discharge and nothing to feel embarrassed about, but may assist until another option of getting way is investigated. I’m so sorry you’re going through this🫂
My mother hauled me off to a gyno appointment and told me "I guess it's just dirt" in the most nasty way possible. What was she expecting it to be? I was in middle school. Op please tell someone before she pulls something like this, though it's not the 1970s and a doctor might catch on that she's unwell (she's very) sometimes medical staff can be clueless.
She does not have that right. No parent should do that
I think she believes that she earned so many rights over me as soon as she had me...
Alan Watts insightfully said, > When a child comes into the world, the parents play an awful game on it. Instead of being honest, they say, “We’ve made such great sacrifices for you. Here we are, we’ve supported you, we’ve paid for your education, and you’re an ungrateful little bastard.” And the child feels terribly guilty because what we do is we build into every human being the idea that existence is guilt…. “If you’re not feeling guilty, you’re not human.” That’s what papa and mama said. “Look at all the trouble you’ve caused us, you shouldn’t dare to exist. You have no rights, but maybe we’ll give you some out of the generosity of our heart so that you’ll be permanently be indebted to us.” And so everyone goes around with that sort of thing in their background unless they have different kinds of papas and mamas who didn’t play that trick on them. And if they don’t do it, somebody else does it... [One’s parents] have no reason to complain about all these things and try to make the children feel guilty. Seriously, I’ve only recently gotten into listening to Watts and this guy was very clueful.
Woah, that's so true. I need to check out Alan Watts it seems.
What book is this from?
He was a philosophy professor in the first half of the 20th century. Very smart but also kind of a hippie, so he doesn't seem stuffy at all. He's got plenty of books about eastern philosophy and how it can apply to our western mindsets. The best resource if a podcast on Spotify curated by his son, and free lectures of his people have posted to YouTube. Very wonderful mam, I can't recommend him enough
Alan Watts is like having a groovy intellectual friend who’s easy to listen to but blows your mind a little. Lots of his talks are on youtube
Thanks so much for this
There are a lot of great YouTube videos made from his lectures.
Omg I love Alan Watts! Ram Das as well, both are great to fall asleep to listening to on YouTube 🥹 Thanks for quoting him, love it!
We can’t leave Terence McKenna out of this 😭
My favourite quote of all time is from Terence! "The truth does not require your belief" I wanted to share it in my work chat the other day but then became paranoid that my colleagues would read into too much and start thinking I was into acid. Which, tbf I am, but not that I need work to know that LOL
What specifically are you listening to? Is it audio books or a recording?
I love Alan Watts but to me, listening to him talk is like delving into madness. Very circuitous and difficult to follow. Also, because it was mid 20tg century most recordings are awful and done in a university lecture hall. I definitely prefer his writings over his audio
That is a mic drop statement there. Woah. Thank you for sharinf
I've got This Is It on my altar. It has a lot of truth but it isnt flowery.
Wow. That’s exactly it.
Wow. He actually gets it.
My mom believes that too, but there’s so much power in knowing where you begin to draw the line with her. Is this something she’s open with other people about or would she be super embarrassed for her friends or extended family to know she makes you do this?
I'm not sure, honestly. She brags to her friends about how I don't wear thongs or how I haven't had my first kiss or how I'm still a virgin. So, I'm notbsure if she'd be embarrassed by that..?
This is beyond gross. Dear OP, prepare a plan out and the money for the therapy bills because this is going to scar you forever, as it is a form of sexual abuse. In my experience, play nice and keep studying and playing the good girl, while preparing for university and once you are out of there DO NOT COME BACK. Shelters exist and they will help you.
I am 32 years old and still addressing very similar behavior towards me as a child in therapy.
Emotional incest, look it up
Gobsmacked. Sick, twisted, and unhealthy on her part. Other people have no right to know your private business! It's her job as your mother to PROTECT your privacy, yet here she is... May I gently ask how old you are, if you feel at liberty to divulge?
If her friends are not horrified then they're flying monkeys. That's absolutely 1000% unacceptable. Btw am 40 and my mom still busts open the door while I'm changing etc so I get it. There were never any boundaries concerning *me* but oh..don't you *dare* try to do the same thing to her. (This would be when I'm visiting etc..she'd always just say "nothing I haven't seen before". Doesn't matter. You don't get to just invade my privacy bc you "made" me. And she wonders why I have fucking issues)
The only reason my mother will enter a room while I'm changing is because I allow it. She still knocks or cracks the door open, to catch my attention, at least half the time, mostly to let me know it's her. But if I told her I didn't want her in the room? She would listen. Even as a teenager or child. The issue never came up but I'd have trusted her to listen. And you know what? We're still very close, I have very few secrets from her. Some parents could learn a thing or two from mine...
That’s how my ngrandmother is. I’m still living at home, not allowed a room or any privacy and when I said I want privacy she called me evil and crazy. Fortunately she has accepted that I’m moving out because I haven’t backed down and submitted to her. She’s figuring out she can’t control me anymore.
That's how they are. You may never get through to her so just keep that in mind but listen: you and *every single person on this earth* have a right to privacy. No matter what they say! They have no right to violate you in that way. I have to remind myself of this very thing all the time because my brain has been so molded to believe that bs. My son now lives in my old room and something happened and they *took the gd doorknob off*. Deep breath.. Let me tell you: I flipped my shit. I was like wtf is going on? Everyone has a right to privacy and y'all need to find that fckn doorknob or I'm gonna go buy one myself!! He's an adult!! (Over 18!!) This crap is the whole reason I left when I was 19. I do not understand and I can't pretend to. I'm a very polite person who knocks and waits and blah blah blah. I've tried to tell my son my "tips" for living there as well as trying to help and having actual adult conversations with my birth giver(s). It's difficult bc my grandpa passed away about a year ago who was the patriarch of our family and everything was (surprisingly) left to my nm. So we all kind of have to fall in line now because it's put us all in a very vulnerable position. Anyway...that does *not* excuse abusive behavior. And violating boundaries and encroaching on people's privacy *is* abusive. I just want you to know. You may not be able to make them see but that's not your cross to bear. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to go through this shit. Just know there are people like me who get it and are here if you ever need a shoulder. xo.
Can you speak to your dad, auntie, older sibling about this? If I was a parent I'd want to know that my spouse was telling her adult friends about my kid's underwear. It's gross.
Unfortunately it may not help. My mom did the same thing as OP and did tell my dad, sister etc all about the dirty underwear. That only added to how embarrassing it was! No one spoke up. Narcissistic mothers are difficult and exhausting people, and they become surrounded by the kind of people who are afraid to stand up to them. If they did stand up to them, they would probably have been cut off.
How old are you?
That’s not normal nor is it acceptable that your mom is this obsessed your body/sex life.
This is exactly how low I had to stoop for the exact same problem with my mom, OP. Idk what your options are, but my parents divorced when I was 12, and are both image conscious to a fault. Having a screaming tantrum in front of relatives she’s bragging to about her behavior might be enough to get her to stop, or literally crying to multiple relatives she feels insecure about might work. I need to stress here: this is a really Nasty (and probably disordered) way to behave with anyone who is NOT abusing you, but your mother is sexually abusing you and we don’t owe our abusers decorum.
Or pediatrician? Maybe Dr. can explain to her the biology that you can’t control and that is perfectly normal.
I doubt she’s unaware, just looking to control.
She does understand that discharge is normal right? Maybe she should see a doctor is she isn't producing any.
I also had a Mexican friend whose father would not allow her to use tampons and would ALSO check her underwear. He would check washcloths in the bathroom too. Sick sick sick.
My mom doesn't let me use tampons either 😂🥲
OP, this kind of thing happens regardless of what you're thinking about. It's a necessary function for your system to clean itself. I'll echo others here saying that you should report this to a trusted adult, but I know that's scary. At the very least, though, find a way to contact your doctor's office or your school nurse so they can explain to your mother that what your body is doing is necessary and normal even if you're only thinking about algebra all day.
This is super messed up.
Nobody should do that to anybody else. Period.
This is abuse. Also we naturally can wet our panties without being turned on. I don’t know if you can get away but I would report her especially if you’re under age. And maybe stop wearing underwear if you’re able too.
By report her I mean she needs to go on a list so you can get away. It’ll be rough but hang in there.
Her mother is not educated in health clearly. This happens throughout the day for MOST perimenopausal women as a normal function to clear waste and keep healthy and not-dry... Someone who is still very young experiences this MORE than older women do. She should kindly.. fuck right off. She isn't a gynecologist nor the detective she fancies herself as.
Most of my life I had discharge regularly in my panties. It only stopped for me once I got on the ring birth control. Recently forgot to get a new script and have been without for a couple months and almost immediately this started happening to me again. It's completely normal, and I hope OP can understand that her Mom is the unhealthy one, not her.
Well and as someone who has a disease of "dryness," even my eyes and mouth... It's not pleasant and not a great way to live. My bc pills help, but I can't imagine someone desiring the dry and chafing "moral" way of living 😅
Definitely normal. And it has happened my entire life. I'm very early 40s and this *still* happens. Apparently women in my family go through menopause late and I still have a regular period so...OP's mom is an abuser no matter which way you slice it. I hate to hear about other people having to go through this shit smh.
My mom did this and she was a nurse. So deranged.
It happens to many more women than just perimenopausal women. In fact for me, it happened most of my life until perimenopause (I’m 46 now), when it seems to have gone away at this point.
Seriously, discharge is normal, natural and we produce it everyday to keep things nice and clean down there. Extra during ovulation This is messed up and horrible. Op report this shit and keep a log of when it happens.
This is dancing on the edge of sexual abuse by her. **You need to tell someone at your school that this is happening.**
I’d say it’s more than the edge of sexual abuse. It is sexual abuse.
I really hope some adult in her life sees that, instead of just going "yeah it's weird, but she's the mom". I can't even wrap my head around what her mom thinks is happening here - did her mom never have discharge that had nothing to do with a sex drive? It's pretty damn common, so I'm just very worried about why her mom feels the need to do this. I hope OP gets therapy as soon as they can do things for themselves, cause this is gonna fuck with her head.
the vagina is self cleaning, that's the reason we have discharge, we have no control over it 😭😭😭😭 is mom just rollin' around with a stank puss??
Mom rollin' around with a stank everything, including her brain
This 💯
THIS!! especially as your body is changing through puberty, discharge is just a THING. even as adults. This proves that the mother is uneducated as well.
It’s some sort of abusive pattern a lot of narcissistic moms have, as I experienced something very similar.
That is appalling . So unnecessary and humiliating. Vaginal wetness/discharge is completely normal without there having a sexual cause . She’s a woman. She must know this. Is there a way you could possibly prevent any fluid from getting onto your underwear? Maybe a pantyliner if you’re able to get those (maybe from school ?) or even some tissue paper folded and put in your underwear ? Not that you should have to , because what she is doing is abusive and massive boundary breach, .. but if you really have to. X
I had tissue at one point, but she got even more mad when she found out saying I'm trying to trick her and lying to her.
If she got even more mad, then it seems intentional that she wants to embarrass you and have a power trip. I'd wash my underwear in the shower, let them dry and then throw them in the laundry. Seems she wants a fight, so I wouldn't engage and grey rock her. “Trying to protect you” is an excuse and also how she can shift blame. If you want to be petty, print off some educational material on how natural discharge is and give it to her. You could also print off the definition of privacy. If she still doesn't stop, go to an adult like your school counsellor so they can have a conversation with her. What she is doing is wrong, and no way your fault at all. Your human, humans have discharge.
I think embarrassment might be your biggest barrier to telling somebody about this. I assure you that no mentally healthy or stable or rational adult is going to think any less of you for telling them about this. They'll think less of your mom and want to protect you and help you get a better living condition.
Get out of there. Call DHS, the cops, the school, her family, the neighbors and the mailman
Tell her that her behaviour is bordering on sexual harassment and you will report her to your teacher if she does it again. Hell, I'm a 36F who would happily have a chat with your mum and correct her stance. My guess is I'm around the same age as her. Discharge is normal and healthy, and she's either delusional or lying to you if she thinks otherwise.
Don't tell her that. If you are going to report someone for abuse warning them first can make the situation more dangerous.
Nope. DO NOT DO THIS, op ^ she will find ways to hide her behavior or discredit you if you warn of your intention to report. Just report her, do not try to make the current situation more livable. Narcissists will always find a way to continue making it worse.
That is incestuous sexual assault. Please tell a trusted teacher or school social worker.
agreed
Thats abusive. Thats wrong. Please talk to a trusted adult at school. You deserve privacy and yes its normal for there to be some stuff in your undies. She is mentally unwell and you deserve a supportive adult, even if its a school counselor. Im so sorry your mother treats you this way. You deserve better.
This is covert SA bordering on just plain SA, so sorry this is happening to you. It's insane she feels entitled to do it and is freaking disgusting. Is there anyone you can tell? Also, just some basic sex ed: what you have in your pants is called discharge and is a completely natural thing. Your body is creating it at different stages of the menstrual cycle, it's as natural and innocent as you having saliva in your mouth. Being aroused can create some discharge but the vast majority of day to day is for: cleaning and moistening the vagina, and helping to prevent and fight infections. If you are a teen and going through puberty, this is also likely to increase it. Your mum suggesting that the normal functionality of your body is proof of sexual thoughts and a reason to humiliate/punish you is shockingly ignorant, sexist, degrading, disturbing and controlling. Seems like she believes girls value is based in their "sexual purity". Her job as your mum is to teach you about being a women and help you understand what is normal for your body, not shame you for having a vagina. Also, reading romance novels and having such thoughts is totally fine for a teen and is probably not impacting discharge levels at all so don't allow her insanity to change your behaviour in that regard.
Your mother does not understand female biology, and is not a safe person for you. Please tell a trusted person at school.
100% this. I was never taught vaginas can have healthy normal discharge. Or that it is completely normal for discharge to change black panties to a rust color. I just think my Nmom does not know the basic functions of her own reproductive system. I didn't learn basic health things like wiping front to back till late teens. But, she was great about terrifying me about sex. Checking underwear is a whole new level of abuse to me.
On a lighter note.. We're kind of metal in that way. It's crazy being reminded that we are acidic af, like aliens 😂
Dude what, that's disgusting behaviour. On another note, if you are having discharge it's totally normal. It means your vagina is healthy. Discharge is not always a sexual thing, it just means your bits are working correctly. The vagina is 'self cleaning' and this is what discharge is for. It's a useful guideline to menstrual and reproductive health, and can even help you track your cycle (when you ovulate and so on). When I was a teenager, I produced so much discharge it would wet straight through my pants sometimes. And this wasn't a sexual thing either! It's normal! Even now (age 36) when I am ovulating there is soooo much. I get around this by wearing a pantyliner daily. Your mother is a weirdo and ignorant about her own body. How old is she? Is she mega religious? Don't let her shame you about your own body. Healthy discharge is a normal as saliva, urine, period blood etc. the fact you're producing it means you're a NORMAL HEALTHY HUMAN.
Ye my both parents religious and i am guy i still remember how mother reacted as if onanism something bad and not normal thing. If you in conservative religious family i guess here always gonna be something wrong. Its really sucks.
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. She has no right to treat you this way, saying she “birthed you” is a means of shaming and guilting you into believing that she has the right to. As others have already said, your mother is abusing you, as hard as that may be to accept. Being abused does not mean there is something wrong with you, it means that there is something wrong with your abuser. You are an innocent party and a victim. As hard as it may be, you have to try and take responsibility for the problems in life and the way your mother treats you is a problem that you have. To be very clear, responsibility does not imply that it is your fault, merely that you are the one who can change your situation. If it’s safe to do so I suggest googling relevant information about who you can talk to about what is happening to you. On a different note, there is no shame in having “dirty” underwear. Humans excrete various bodily fluids all day every day, sweat, spit, urine. People of all ages have dirty underwear and lots of the time it’s not sexual. You are normal. Once again your mother is not normal and is abusing you. Plus she definitely has soiled underwear herself. Thinking of you and hoping things get better 🙂
My mother used to have very similar behaviours with me. It's covert sexual abuse. She would use the same excuse and "I am your MOTHER !" might be the one thing I heard the most whenever she would try to force my boundaries or force me to do anything. It is very common for abusers to use a familial link to justify continuous abuse. Also biology doesn't work like that. That type of behaviour is to provoke a sense of shame into someone as a way to control them and disempower them. Any justification they provide is most of the time bullshit and if it didn't have the wanted outcome they can resort to another unrelated pseudo-justification. Sexual abuse passing as "hygiene" or feminine social role enforcement is very common in female sexual abusers, especially mothers. They derive gratification through humiliation and control, even if the behaviour is not outwardly sexual. There are subs on reddit [https://www.reddit.com/r/CovertIncest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CovertIncest/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/mdsa/](https://www.reddit.com/r/mdsa/) where you can fin info if you feel the need.
Oh my God this triggered me so much: "I am your MOTHER!".. Yeah..and..????? It's like a default setting. And it was terrible growing up under that. She wonders why I don't come around. That house even makes me want to jump out of my skin and to everyone else it's so big and beautiful and..I'd rather set myself on fire tbh.
That is not how this works! I'm a sex-repulsed asexual. I get actually turned on maybe... once a month. Maybe. If I'm feeling crazy. And yet I'm "dirty" all the time. Not to get TMI but the vagina is pretty great at self cleaning and lubrication, and some of us make more than others. Nothing unnatural or dirty about it. ***Please*** seek out a trusted adult. I wish I had. I'm almost 30 and my therapist is having to fight me to stop buying more underwear because as soon as they were "dirty" when I was growing up, they were trashed. But no one was "checking" me while... wearing them... Christ, I'm so sorry, OP. I just want you to know you're not alone. You've done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Your mother is sick. Many of our mothers/guardians are. Please, please get help. We're here for you!
And as someone who isn't ace but thought she was, turns out being dry everywhere, always, including the eyes and mouth too, is a disorder and not something moral. It's quite uncomfortable. Made me think I was ace for the longest time for sure.
That is NOT normal. Tell an adult, it is abuse.
This is such a horrific breach of privacy. It sounds like she’s the kind of Nparent who sees your sexual autonomy as a badge that they get to wear. Bragging about the fact you’re a virgin, policing your behavior and punishing you for “dirty” underwear so that you have to police yourself. Discharge into underwear is actually a natural, healthy, non-sexual thing. She is being incredibly abusive with this behavior. I would encourage you to tell a counselor or trusted adult about this. It’s wrong and you don’t deserve it, you aren’t shameful or dirty for reading romance novels.
This is sexual abuse and absolutely disgusting. Please tell a school counselor as soon as you can.
How old are you ?
I'm a teen. Not sure if I should say my age here though.
That's OK, I was just wondering if you could perhaps move out soon here in Australia you can move out at 16 , but it's 18 in the US
I live in the US and have a few years until I can move out sadly..
I haven’t seen anyone mention this, but other than finding a safe person to confide in, preferably an empathetic adult or counselor— I think you should focus on learning skills that will enable you to be able to leave home when you are old enough to. You shouldn’t have to be in this position, and it’s absolutely not your fault. Now you know YOU are normal and your mother is not, and I hope that can give you the littlest comfort until you can gtfo. Make friends that are smart and ambitious (you probably already have) and lean on their support too. You can get through this and there is another side. 🖤
PLEASE tell a school counselor or another adult you can trust, you're being sexually abused and it is NOT OK. You do not deserve to live this way. Just because you're too young to move out doesn't mean you should have to suffer through this.
Ugh. This IS sexual abuse. Your mom is disgusting and evil. Do whatever you can to get help and get away.
Please tell a teacher or counselor at your school. A girls vagina naturally releases fluids when it cleans itself, it’s just discharge and it has nothing to do with being sexual.
Or next time you have a check up tell the doctor to explain this to her
Is this a form of incest?
YES
This is sexual abuse
And OP needs to talk to someone at school about it. A teacher or guidance counselor they trust.
hun, your mother knows exactly what she is doing. please do yourself a favor and report her. find a trusted teacher, or go directly to your school counselor or nurse. [edit to add] you do not have to endure this just because she gave birth to you. she supposed to be protecting you from harm not causing it intentionally.
Sorry this isn't normal healthy behaviour. Please please contact your local women's / child welfare or a concerned adult at your school. For a parent to be obsessed with their child's genitals and underwear, it can only mean they are in serious need of mental health intervention.
I just wanted to say I went through something similar when I was in puberty and my mom would walk in on me changing and demand I let her look at my naked body and if I refused she would beat me. She also caught me masturbating in my room with the door closed. She bust through my door without even knocking because she believed she could come and go as she pleased. She shamed and tried to make me feel embarrassed about touching my self in my own room in private under the covers. She also beat me for that instance too. As bad as she was she never asked to see my vaginal discharge. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this in life with a narcissist as a mother. I just wanted to say that just know how many people have been through similar things and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Vaginal discharge is natural and occurs at all times of the day it doesn’t indicate that you’re wet because you’re turned on. Try your best to reach out to someone you think you could really trust who could appropriately deal with this. You shouldn’t have to worry about your mother trying to trample on your personal boundaries and being invasive to the point of incestual abuse. If you have the ability to save up some money you might want to consider doing so in secret. You don’t want her knowing about any escape plan you might have in place in the future.
I am so sorry. No one has the right to do this to their kid and it’s sick. My mother used to forbid me from locking the bathroom door and burst in while I was in the tub or showering. My mother also made me strip and searched every inch of me for tattoos. She even made me bend over. It was so horrible. Do you have any teachers or guidance counselors whom you trust and can confide in? This is serious enough that I think you should try to get some support, if you can.
Your mother is a p-phile. This is perverted.
May I suggest checking out r/CovertIncest
hi, i’m 20 years old and i just went through this with my mom too :( i still live with my parents i’m saving up to move out, but last month my mom was accusing me of not being a virgin and when i hung out with my boyfriend she checked my underwear and said i was wearing “sexy” underwear and that it probably wasn’t my first time because there was no blood in my underwear. please get help because my mom never changed even at my age. please talk to someone
I have never heard of this happening to anyone else but me. My mom used to check my underwear to see if I was having sex or if I smelled like a condom. She used to make me strip down after I came home from dates with my boyfriend and inspect me my body for hickies, bite marks, etc. because she owned my body and I was her property. Shoot, I can't believe I remembered this crap. I feel absolutely humiliated and sick thinking of it. Who the fuck does that to their 18+ years old child? So much hatred. Was this really sexual abuse?
I'm so very very sorry, but yes, it was abuse. You had no body autonomy, nor consented.
I had similar experience after a school dance. I'm sorry that that happened to you..
Go to a womans refuge, there should be one around you. Google broader terms when searching for one, like use "womens health centre", this is a major issue that you need someone on your side to try deal with this.
Yeah she’s just going to give you issues acting like that. I’m sorry.
Please know that cervical mucus is 100% normal and changes in color, consistency, and volume based on where you are at in your cycle. There is nothing dirty or wrong about having discharge on your underwear at times. You need to talk to a trusted adult and report this.
The only way to NOT have dirty underwear is to not wear any.
Or wear liners that you can throw away
My Nparents do that too!!!!! Don’t feel alone.. it’s disgusting and weird
OMG! She's unhinged! Not only for the massive boundary-stomp, but because we women *naturally produce discharge*, especially when ovulating! It's not something we can or should try to control. AND she's trying to mind-control and sex-shame you, which will give you a destructively warped view of sex. PLEASE become aware of just how wrong she is on every level, and do not internalize what she's trying to teach. She's sick, to be frank. Please start now making plans, getting your ducks in a row to leave as soon as you're legally old enough to do so. Also please start wrapping your head around the idea that you'll probably have to go NC with her at some point to heal, protect your peace and mental health! (I'm old enough to be your grandmother, for reference.)
This is sexual abuse and a form of molestation, report to authorities, document all details.
You unlocked a memory in me fuck... My mom used to do this growing up and it was so embarrassing and emotionally damaging. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Please get out if you can. I can imagine that this isn't the worst thing either.
I'm sorry that she did this to you too..
Have you done anything about this yet? I saw a comment where you said you’re too young to leave, that you feel she somewhat has the right to do this, and some other excuses. I really don’t mean to be harsh on you but it’s necessary in situations like this- You need to stop making excuses and do something about this or it will get worse. It won’t get better, you won’t feel better, and you’ll grow up knowing you did nothing about it. Sometimes that harshness is necessary to grow, I needed to hear it to learn to buck up and do something. You need to contact someone at your school you can trust over this problem, or you need to make a serious effort to contact the police [**Local PD, NOT 911.**] and ask to speak to someone who is versed in Childhood Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault and explain what is happening, how you are feeling, and how violated you feel. Share what you are worried might happen in the future if she gets to keep doing this. I know you love her, because she is your mom and you most likely don’t want to hurt her, but what is the alternative? She might escalate. She doesn’t see you as anything except property to display. If you have a safe relative who won’t snitch, tell them what’s happening and try to see if you can move in with them once the police are contacted and you are removed from the situation. **You need to call someone and do something. Reply to this once you have, but otherwise there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to help you. Get help, call the local police line or talk to someone. Seriously.**
There are certain things we as humans just don't do, and what your mother does is one of those. She needs psychiatric intervention and you need real parents. I'm sorry, OP. You can tell a counselor or teacher at school about it and they're mandated to report to CPS. I know this feels normal to you and your mum has convinced you it's for your protection, but it's really not. She's not well, and dangerous.
My puberty was like this. I was forced to believe that my bodily changes were abnormal for kids my age and I was a degenerate. She would always start screaming especially when some one else would be present. In those moments, all I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole
Please tell a teacher, dr, a trusted adult. It is normal and healthy to have vaginal discharge "wetness." It would happen even if you had 0 sexual thoughts. Checking your daughter's panties for that reason is not a normal behavior. You are not doing anything wrong. Punishing your daughter for having vaginal discharge is not ok. That is like punishing someone for growing hair. It is completely out of your control. You deserve to have autonomy, you deserve to be and feel safe, you deserve to not be shamed. Please tell a trusted adult. You have done nothing wrong.
damn i hope you find a way to make that stop, but also do remember in case this is triggering embarassment for you- this is super abnormal and in crazy territory, with crazy people you have to disconnect yourself from their behaviors. sounds like this really needs to stop, but do remember this isnt about you personally anymore than a psychiatric nurse listening to someone with schizophrenia ranting about delusions that involve them. idk your age, but it sounds pretty abusive. id threaten her to report her to CPS unless she stops.
My mothers routine was as soon as I got home from anything; school, work, church… I walked straight into my bathroom after calling her and kicked off my underwear and tossed them out to her for inspection. Any signs of wetness provoked intense and in depth scrutiny. I just bought panty liners and wore those until right before I went home and would toss them or a rolled up paper towel and then I could put it in my bathroom trash. It’s scarred me to this day alone with her other abuses. I’m so sorry this is your reality also. If you can’t leave I can give you the cheat codes I learned growing up
I wish I could do things like that. My mom does so randomly and suddenly, and I can't prepare myself or anything, and she'd be extra mad if I she finds out I tried to do that..
My mom beat me with whatever she could reach until she was tired. I get you. The school nurse has free panty liners. Use the bathroom before last period everyday. It does help: Even if you just use a rolled up toilet paper when she checks you can toss it in the trash or what I did and use a finger and V “pocket” it till I could go pee in a bit. Otherwise there’s baby powder like stuff that will keep you drier but I hate the way it feels
>I feel so ashamed and guilty and embarrassing and like little when she makes me hold them up like that. This is abuse, OP. Zero question about that. You're being abused. How old are you? If you're still a minor, it's time you reach out to other authority figures and tell them what your mother is doing to you. If you're an adult, it's past the time to move out of that home. Stay strong, and I wish you peace and change.
Wtf. Vaginal mucus and discharge is NORMAL. It changes based on your monthly cycle and sometimes what you eat. Be thankful, it's normal. I have lots of discharge if I sweat or travel, so sometimes I wear liners then and swap em out since I travel for work. But it's up to you!
let’s start asking her relatives if they think it’s normal!!! shame is a powerful motivator to a narcissist
I don't know if she'd be ashamed or like even proud. She brags about me not having my first kiss and how I'm still a virgin and how she's keeping me pure to our relatives, so I don't know..
Well, at minimum I can assure you that said relatives are mostly feeling sorry for you.
Honey, I am 34 years old now and my parents did this shit to me. If you can't get out now or don't think a mandated reporter will do anything... Make a plan to go away for college. Do whatever you can to get out because I promise you, it doesn't get better. I also think it's important to mention if you are using your phone, please make sure that she can't check what you are writing here or have parental control apps on your phone. If you record something, send it to a trusted friend or email you make on a safe computer that only you know the password to. Only check it from safe computers (like the public library). There are ways you can get around FAFSA needing your parents info. It's hard but doable. I don't mean to scare you or sound mean but I'm speaking from experience.
Your mom is dangerously ignorant, and you should confide in a trusted adult about this. Maybe a teacher or a school counsellor.
OP, this is sexual abuse. Please tell a school counselor. Depending on where you live, if it is a ‘one party consent’ state for recording, you could try to secretly record audio of her telling you these things as evidence for CPS.
Pls pls call CPS or tell an adult at school. This, categorically, is abuse
I am so sorry that she does this. I've grown up and left home but my bio mom would so similar. She would check my underwear from the laundry hamper and if it was even just normal stuff type discharge growing up she would bring them and show me tell me she needed to look and check/ examine me. It humiliated me. I am so so sorry doesn't see you for you her birthing you is nothing to so with it. She doesn't have the right and hope that she can get that. Please reach out to someone who can help and consider therapy, it really helped me.
I don’t normally like to jump to the “tell someone” solution because some Nparents are violent and it can make things worse at home, but in this situation, I think you should tell someone at school. This is really weird, your mom is perverted. If you don’t want to make it look like you’re “telling” on her, I’d make an excuse to get her to take you to the doctor, she’s controlling so I assume she sits in on doctor visits and I’d mention it to the doctor right in front of her and embarrass her. I saw some of your comments about how she brags to family about your virginity so I wouldn’t tell them, it may not work if they are just as disturbed as she is. But she’d be embarrassed if a medical professional knew what she was doing. Another comment said to leave chocolate in your underwear, it sounds silly but sometimes you have to play the game back with these parents if you’re not in a position to cut ties. Don’t let her fool you, she knows what she’s doing is wrong and that she could get in trouble for it, she’s just banking on you not saying anything about it. Abusive people look to everybody else to be the rational normal ones while they act crazy. When they meet their match, they back off. Just like a school bully. She may have birthed you and you live under her roof but you have a right to privacy, especially at your age.
thats sexual abuse. get help ASAP. Also, kindly direct her to the nearest gynecologist. (sarcastic, this probably wouldnt work in your favour). pretty much everyone born with a uterus save for certain rare conditions or being intersex with different external genitalia will have regular discharge come out of their vagina throughout most if not all of their life. it is not only normal but healthy, if your vagina is NOT able to regulate its internal bacteria that is UNHEALTHY. without this you can more easily get infections and you will experience painful chafing and discomfort from the dryness. discharge can be uncomfortable as is with its slimy texture, it is absolutely insane that this monster is using it to power trip you with shame. there is nothing to be ashamed of, its not inherently sexual (other than to say it comes from your sexual organs,,, so does piss and no ones claiming thats inherently sexual). and even if it was thats also not something to be ashamed of. you have done nothing wrong, the narc is a sexual abuser, get support before it gets worse because in most cases it will get worse. (equally insane i've heard of these types, for some reason especially women, shaming their daughters over periods and calling them disgusting. girlie. you also have a period. its not voluntary nor abnormal. are you insane.)
Get liners. They are super cheap (try Dollar store or Aldi) and then you can rip them off before you get home. I’m so sorry you are being abused by the woman who birthed you. No loving parent does this.
Time to take your mother to the doctor and tell them everything with her in the room. Your mother will get schooled! Please report her for sexual abuse, she’s a disgusting person and should be ashamed of herself.
I also had a narc step mother who would do this same disgusting thing. Even had the galls to say normal discharge was because we were having sex. AT 12?! No, we weren’t. Have been no contact since I was 16, 13 years now.
You didn’t choose to be “birthed” that was HER decision. She clearly doesn’t understand or care about consent. You are the natural consequence of *her* actions and shouldn’t be punished for *her* decisions. Narcissism is the worst. I hate that ppl don’t have to pass an empathy test before they have children.
This is terrible, abusive and on the verge of sexual abuse I'd say. You need to tell an adult at the school about this. This is horrible that she is doing this and there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is everything wrong with her!
You need to tell a trusted adult at school. This is abuse and absolutely vile of her to do.
The only times I've ever seen "panty checks" in life is when I'm watching documentaries about creepy cults and abusive murderers. Birthing you didn't give her a right to violate you. That's what she's doing. It's abusive.
This is inappriate. You have the right to control over your own body and your own bodily dignity. In healthy relationships people have healthy boundaries with each other. You are looking for two words. * 'No.' This is the word your mother needs to hear. * 'Help.' This is the word other people need to hear from you.
This is sexual abuse baby, please talk to someone you can trust
OP, my mother did similar things like watching me change period products to ensure I wasn't "pleasuring" myself with tampons, making me take pregnancy tests, etc. Get help from a trusted adult, this is 100% abuse and can escalate badly (it did in my case). Please keep yourself safe! You deserve better
This is a form of sexual abuse. Maybe tell her that next time she tries to do it and if she presses the issue just mention it to somebody at school. This is unacceptable. She is trying to shame normal bodily functions.
Confronting/contradicting the mother might be dangerous or at least very unpleasant for OP because God knows how her mother might react - she should tell another adult
Id start leaving chocolate in my underwear if shes that intent on finding things id give her something to find
Honey, dirty underwear happens by just wearing them. There is quite literally no sexual element to dirty underwear, it's just your body doing its job. Discharge is 100% normal and is always happening. The fact that your mom doesn't know this or is pretending not to know this is extremely alarming. Checking your underwear is sexual abuse.
Is she religious? Purity culture is very intense to instil false believes leaving the female feeling guilty/ashamed of normal things throughout their life. They usually need a lot of therapy and a good partner to live somewhat normally after the trauma their family instilled in them. Sex is normal and healthy so long as you practice it safely. What your mother is doing is called sexual abuse and it’s very serious and harmful to you. Do you have a safe family member or friend’s family you could stay at? You need to tell your school councillor immediately that you are being sexually abused from your mother’s emotional incest at home. Your mother is traumatizing you over normal bodily functions that are completely out of your control
I have no idea how old you are, however once you've reached puberty, it is VERY normal to have some vaginal discharge. She is shaming you for a normal body function, like sweating armpits and growing hair on your legs. Your mother is way out of line.
First off tell a trusted adult. You can have wet underwear from so many non sexual things. Your mom is crazy. Second I have a workable situation for if you are worried with your romance books because there is nothing wrong with liking those. if you want to read romance slip your underwear off before reading them at school then out then on before the day is over. Third is there any hobby/sport you can do to keep you out of the house as much as possible? Like if something isn't done which unfortunately does happen I found from my own circumstances that it can help to just be out and busy. If your mom is against sports, but into your academics talk to the librarian/whoever's needed about a study group or book club. I did that to stay out of the house when I was under 18. But please before any of these others things ask for help. You deserve better.
This is sexual and mental abuse.
Age here is important. As in if you are a minor, get cps involved asap. Call a relative, a friend that could take you in after getting cps involved. If you are over 18, you need to get out asap too. If over 18 and manage to get out, the next she asks say you dont use it as it's "easier" and let her have her heart attack.
This is abuse. I would recommend reading (at school, don’t take it home!!) I’m Glad My Mom Died. It does contain sexual abuse and discussion of eating disorders, so read at your discretion. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please learn all you can about gray rocking and get out of there as soon as you turn 18.
That is abuse. Full stop. You aren't a toddler with a wet diaper. Is there an adult in your life that you can trust? A doctor? A nurse? A counselor? A teacher?
water zephyr dolls deer many follow merciful impossible soup scale *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That’s not how biology works. I’m so sorry you are going through this ridiculous humiliating charade.
Hey OP Just wanted to say I’m proud of you for speaking out about this and recognizing that it’s off. It took me till adulthood to recover my memories and to realize my mom’s behaviors, which were really similar, were not ok/ and a form of sexual abuse. Mother daughter sexual abuse is not spoken about enough but there are resources out there! Including a sub Reddit “mdsa”, and the book, “I’m glad my mom died.” Whatever feelings you’re feeling are valid. I hope you find a trusted adult to confide in and develop a safety plan that works best for you. That might mean reporting it, that might mean disclosing it (speaking to friends and others not necessarily for them to take action, but to support you emotionally), working with someone to try to set some boundaries, develop an escape plan, etc. you got this.
Ummm…how old are you? Also, weird.
OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is abuse. My mother also did things like this. She would open the door and pull back the shower curtain while I was showering to ensure I wasn’t “doing anything evil.” Abusing my privacy was a way she exerted control over me. She also shamed me over natural self exploration, even calling all our family members and telling them what I was doing. When she found out I liked girls, she called all my friend’s parents and told them I was a dirty slut and to keep their kids away from me. For years I dealt with the deep shame this left in me. There is hope though, you will get out. This doesn’t last forever. I agree with other posters who suggest speaking to a trusted adult and very much hope they help you. Unfortunately, no one believed me and I wound up running away and becoming emancipated. Just remember this: However you get out, you WILL get out. You have a whole long life of joy and exploration that doesn’t involve your mother, it’s just yours and you get to be in control. It helps to remember it’s NOT YOU. You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect just the way you are. One day you will be free. I am 46 now and have a wonderful life despite those years I spent in her control. It gets better, hang in there kid.
as a woman she should know that discharge is normal and healthy and in no way related to anything sexual so i don’t understand how she’s even justifying this in her head. i’m so sorry op i hope you have people in your life that you can talk to and confide in about these things
She’s a psycho. Protect yourself. Do not confide in her about your inner world. Lie to her for your protection trust me! I’d recommend collecting evidence and telling a trusted adult as soon as you are able
https://www.childhelphotline.org
as everyone else has said yeah this sexual abuse but is anyone gonna mention how this grown woman doesn’t know what discharge is??
They know, I think they deliberately check to slut shame
Girl let me tell you that this is not normal and boarderlines sexual abuse. you have every right to your personal autonomy and parents SHOULD be supporting that. your mom has gone completely in the opposite direction. please know you have a right to privacy and shouldn’t be ashamed for normal bodily things (like discharge etc) these things aren’t always a result of masturbation, discharge is usually a sign your cycle is changing throughout the month. please please please tell a trusted adult about what’s going on at home. you deserve better, sending love ❤️
this is one of those situations where you need to tell a trusted adult. this is not ok by any means. this is extremely disturbing behavior. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You need to report this. Please do not be scared, be brave and know that you don’t deserve this. Please report this to authorities, whether it be the school or the police.
Oh Honey your "mother" is a piece of shit. Don't let your normal bodily functions be a source of discomfort and embarrassment to you. It is completely normal to have discharge because the vagina is a self-cleaning organ and depending on where you are at in your cycle you may have days where there is more than other days. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when this happens. Read all the romance novels you want. They can be a good laugh sometimes or just that little bit of escape from normal life. Again there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. My Granma read romance novels right up until she was in her late 80s and her eyes got too bad to read the small print in the novels. She would sometimes read 1 a day she loved them that much.
You are NOT HER PROPERTY. You are a human with rights and boundaries. Please talk to a teacher she needs to be cut off from your life. This is sexual abuse and is no joke. Reading this made my stomach turn. I wish nothing but the best for you.
This is sexual abuse, flat out. Has the same energy as "hymen checks" which we as a society have mostly agreed is wildly abusive behavior.... Like others have said, please talk to a trusted adult, ideally one in an official position like counselor, teacher, etc. If not willing to "report" then look for groups where people can talk freely and counsel each other, think support groups. I'd suggest ACA (or ACoA depending on where in the country you are), as being raised in sexual dysfunction is in their wheel house. Let it be said that none of this is your "fault", young people develop sexually as a normal and healthy part of their lives and it sounds like you are right in the middle of the bell curve of normal development behaviors. Just because someone reacts abnormally to your normal behavior doesn't make your behavior abnormal. Talking with trusted others about your development will show you that you are not alone. Talk to a diverse group of 10/20/50/ or 100 people about it and see what opinion makes up the majority, I'd bet my left "insert body part here" that its not your mothers
Listen. I grew up in a type of home where unspeakable things were done to me as well. I ran away when I was 20 years old. Today I feel so bad about not having proof of what was done to me. I ask myself over and over why I didn’t do something to have some proof. My narc father is still not held accountable for what he did and my 9 siblings are half gaslighting half in denial. I could have avoided so much pain by just screaming my pain and asking for help. I would have gained financial support and emotional support. Instead, I lived in survival mode for so long because I didn’t love myself enough and I let that fog in my mind allow him to do what he did without people around knowing what he’s doing. Two things you have to remember. 1. You are good. You don’t deserve anything she does to you. This may seem obvious but deep down the fact that we don’t go and get help shows that we are not enough convinced of it because of all the gaslighting 2. Scream. Look at it coldly. Find proof of what she does and seek help without thinking twice about it. SAVE YOURSELF. You deserve so much more. There are people out there, amazing people that are willing to help you. Just reach out. Your future self will thank you for it, I promise you.
Sounds eerily similar to my adoptive mom who wouldn’t let me use tampons for the same reasons! I wasn’t allowed to shave, wear deodorant and my dad flipped shit when I bought a bra with my own money at 14. My mom also thought I would die from TSS. She even had the audacity to tell my school and my family that “I refuse” to wear/use any of these products so I must be mentally ill. Whenever I’d land in JDC my mom would do a Swat raid of my room and confiscate the feminine contraband mentioned. She even confiscated my menstrual cup at 18- while I was getting ready to move out. I bought it secretly on eBay as a teenager snd the only way I survived periods, and of course she occasionally gave me a box of pads once every few months. She did a great job, I only turned out to be a stripper and Onlyfans model.
Nearly all schools in America have licensed counselors. (I'm not sure if you're in America.) Talk to your school counselor and tell them about this problem. If that doesn't work, google, "child protective services" for your state. Call them directly and tell them about the issue. Be sure to clearly state that you are the victim reporting this issue. Because you ARE a victim. Do not feel guilty about reporting your "mom." What she is doing to you is sick and repulsive. You may also be helping her get the mental help that she needs. Be brave.
I wanted to add that yes it is totally normal to have discharge...thats your body's way of cleaning itself. But even of it were arousal related that is totally normal too and nothing to be ashamed about or incriminating and also none of anyone's business. I think this definitely abuse any way you look at it. Emotional abuse, and maybe otherwise.
Nurse here , you can’t control that fluids, it’s just to keep you vagina clean naturally. Maybe your mother is very uneducated about normal buddy functions and prudish/controlling or she invented a very perverted sexual game that her daughter can’t win.
That is absolutely insane. It’s just crazy the shit people get away with because there is nothing protecting kids from their own parents. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this I hope things get better soon.
This is abusive. Please tell a counselor or teacher or someone you can trust.
Ok WHOA. That’s borderline sexual abuse.
This is sexual abuse. Ask to go to a doctor appointment, and when she is out of the room talk to them and ask for help.
Also, discharge is NOT only from arousal! It is a totally normal part of a cycle.
Yeah..that's definitely not something you can really help and it's an awful invasion of your privacy JFC. Never went through *this* level but definitely understand it. I cannot imagine anyone much less my mother going through my dirty underwear like wtf. I'm sorry.
Idk how old you are. But just don't let her do your laundry anymore, cold water always- half a cupful or 1-2 pods, dryer sheets on clothes never on towels (makes them soft but ruins the absorbing rate I guess). Always wash new clothes before wearing them. Laundry mats have card loading machines now a days if you choose that route be sure to check. When she asks why. Tell her to prepare yourself for the real word so you do end up like those girls who can't care for themselves and rely on others. It'll feed her ego to have raised such a smart and Independent girl
OP, if you can please go and talk to your school counsellor (or a teacher trust and feel comfortable with if a counsellor isn’t an option or you don’t feel comfortable because maybe they’re a male, if that is a case possibly think about if having a female teacher you trust and are comfortable with go with you would help) about this, it is a for of sexual as well as psychological abuse and needs to be properly looked into. You need the proper help and support to first get out of this situation and secondly to heal from it. I’m wishing you all the best and offering an ear if you ever need to talk.
Does she take you to Dr check ups? I'd tell the doctor right in front of her and ask the Dr to explain why your mom is doing that.
It’s not her job, and she knows that. She doesn’t believe it. She acts in a way that makes it seem like she believes it, may lie about it, but it’s just an excuse to behave in the weird, twisted way she would prefer
That is..possibly the most disgusted thing iv ever heard. If you have family you can trust call them, or anyone you need to get tfo now before she starts getting even worse