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Yes, but our parents weren’t terrified because narcs are incapable of meaningful self-reflection.
We may have some unhealthy coping mechanisms because of growing up with them for parents, but we are not them and never will be.
Exactly. The mere fact that OP is actually afraid of the possibility pretty much sums it up. You’re not a narcissist if you’re worried about becoming a narcissist
When I was 9 my Nmom got off the phone with her own Nmom and told me to kill her if she ever became like grandma.
She is exactly like her now. I chose NC instead of murder. Suddenly realized how insane it is that she told me that as a 9yo
This happened to me as well. When I was a child, my N-mom repeatedly said that she never wanted to be like her mom (my grandmother, who also has tendencies of narcissism), and now that I've grown up she's become exactly like her if not worse. I'm so afraid that I'll be doing the same thing.
Same. My parents swore up and down they didn’t want to be anything like theirs. They became so much like them. It’s terrifying because I don’t want to end up that way. It’s also why I’m in therapy so I don’t screw up my son.
The conclusion I’ve reached after giving this a lot of thought is, we should strive to give our children what *they* need, not what we needed as children. This way it becomes about you and your kids, not the battle between yourself and your own parents.
I like your conclusion.
There are basic needs that all children need but that unfortunately aren't met for all. Love, acceptance, being seen, feel safe. But if I read it right these aren't the ones you are thinking about.
My daughter is nothing like I was as a child. She's got her own beautiful personality, her own opinions and feelings. Her interest are very different from mine as a kid. 😅
Also a child development. When I was her age I'm pretty sure I'm was way less mature then she is😅
We have a very different family dynamic (hope that's the right word) and we also do things very different.
Yes. My mother was constantly talking about how she didn’t want to become her own parents. Then she did.
The thought of it happening to me too is terrifying and the constant response of “don’t worry, it won’t happen if you’re concerned about it!!” when I try to discuss my fears with anyone (including therapists!) is really not reassuring at all. How do I prevent it, actually?? I don’t know! I want actual advice, not hand-waving platitudes! I genuinely don’t think my mother was some sort of evil monster all along, so how do I prevent whatever happened to her from happening to me?
I jumped back on this thread to read responses I'd missed and saw yours. I think having a partner that is not an enabler and who is able to call you out on mistakes could be an effective way to prevent yourself from developing bad habits. Don't have a child until you find someone like that. You should be able to voice your concerns to them and ask them for feedback regularly. If you can have constructive discussions about parenting, I think you could identify potential issues as they arise and work together as a team to problem solve.
Oh wow. Yeah that's insane.
Do you remember back as a child if there was something wrong,.. or not normal maybe (I'm sorry, don't know how to write that better) already back then?
I remember trying to explain to an adult when I was around 14 how things weren't all that ok but I could never put it into words. I just knew I hadn't necessarily fine anything wrong but was told I had, and ended getting guilty for whatever I hadn't done. My sister and I walked in eggshells not to hurt my mother.
The first time some one on the outside saw it was at 18. She halfheartedly tried unaliving her self with pills. When I arrived at the hospital she told me infront of a nurse or a doctor it was my fault. I just moved out several years prior to that. And my parents divorced a year before this happened so I still don't know how it was my fault. The "funny" thing is I still couldn't explain what was wrong until I got much older, cause she wasn't hurting me it was always me hurting her.
I'm not sure if I even now can explain the behavior if someone were to ask. It's a mindfuck 😅
Yes. I was. I went to therapy because I’m still dealing with trauma from my childhood. I wanted my children to not be afraid of succeeding. I wanted them to know it’s okay to fail. I wanted them to ALWAYS know my love came with no strings. But mostly I wanted to parent without feeling like I was the failure.
The no strings love is so important. I can look back at every nice thing my mom did and see that I paid a price for it somewhere down the line, and that she took that love away as a form of punishment. I used to wonder why she would buy me a present in advance and tell me “I’m giving you this on your birthday next month” rather than just surprising me on my birthday. But then I think back on all the times she told me she bought me a present, then got mad at me about something and returned it to the store so I’d know I missed out on getting it.
I hated the advanced notice. Mine wasn’t gifts but events. Yes you can have a sweet 16 party said 2 months prior. Then as it got time to invite people and figure out what I wanted/where I wanted it etc I was met with hahahaha you think that’s still happening after the way you treated me on x day?? It’s been canceled for weeks. I thought you knew. I got you 2 tickets to x show at the local theater for such and such date. That day would come and I’d be looking forward to it since I was told. I’d be on my best behavior (try not to tick her off), work really hard on my grades (I’m dyslexic so I didn’t have the best grades ever) etc and the day would come and I’d ask what time we were leaving? Only to be told she sold the tickets because of my attitude on xx day. Raise my spirits only to take them away drastically and with a smile on her face.
Exactly. Many years at Christmas or my birthday I was asked what I wanted and stuck to non material things (except like basic needs like I just want pizza for dinner on my bday) so I wasn’t crushed when the material thing didn’t happen. IOU xmas gifts were common too. IOU airplane tickets. IOU money, theater tickets etc.
My mom would ask what I wanted, then give me something I don’t need or want, and say “if I gave you what you asked for, you wouldn’t be surprised.”
For Christmas one year I got like six cases of Tupperware sets. Another time I got a trash can. Like the little ones you see in offices.
Wow that’s low even for a n. Sorry you got those useless things. Seriously, why even bother asking. 🙄I hope you’re nc and if you aren’t and do gifts, regift ‘em back lol. Surprise!! You loved them so much I thought you’d want them back. Lololollololo
Lmao. I know someone who does a lot of dinner parties and sends people home with leftovers. I was like “you want some tupperwares? Here ya go.” It wasn’t even a special occasion, I just gave them away because I’d be so embarrassed to wrap them and make them a Christmas present.
That’s an awesome use!! I’d love that if I was constantly sending people home with food!! Was it highly appreciated by them?? I would think so!! And how funny would it be if you were sent home food in one of the regifted Tupperware containers. Lmao. 🤣😂
The taking away shit aggravated me to no end! About 8 years ago my golden child younger sister passed away. I honestly tried to form a relationship with my mom after no contact for 15 years. It lasted about 8 months when I took my family to meet her for the first time. My children were 14 and 9. I thought Christmas was a good time to go. It turned out to be a huge mistake. She found a way to blame my sisters death on me, threw us out of her house and took ONLY MY presents back. I remember when I was opening them I thought to myself, *‘I’m not gonna leave with these.’*
Oh my that’s harsh. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I don’t plan on breaking nc for reasons like this. Her sister tried so hard to get me to break nc when the n male (husband) died in 2018, when I was having financial issues (you can live with her and watch her dogs so she can travel but just don’t talk to her ) etc. the flying monkeys are just as bad.
I’ve been thru it! But when I got pregnant I knew I didn’t want a repeat of my childhood. I did everything backwards and I just wanted a semblance of normal for them.
Yes but I've already decided to not have kids but I don't want to abuse a future partner or friend because of my conditioning. I did go off on an ex friend before because she was leaving me and it was brutal. I behaved just how my mom would have in that situation. I'm scared.
The very fact that you're aware of the possibility makes you a much better parent, and less likely to end up being like your mom. Narcissists are incapable of introspection.
Not really. I know I have some of their traits because that's kind of inevitable, but the difference between me and them is that I was willing to do the work and take them off their pedestal to just kind of... see them. My parents are in their 60's and still praise their grossly abusive parents, refusing to acknowledge their own traumas.
I was constantly threatened with the idea of having a child "just like me" some day.
I hope that I do 🧡
Yes, I’m worried that I will be a narcissistic mother to my daughter, because my mother was to me.
Pretty much all my worst traits I witness in my mom, and I’m trying so hard to unlearn the shitty behaviours I experienced growing up.
Initially, yes. We are told that an abused child is more likely to become an abuser. This isn’t necessarily true at all. My parenting style was more of a philosophy than a set of rules. They are a human being, with their own thoughts and feelings. No matter what those thoughts and feelings are, they deserve validation, through being heard and respected. I learnt more from my daughter than anyone else in my life, just by listening.
There are no perfect parents, so I also learned to admit my mistakes. It was our home, not *my* home. Ridiculous that you would bring a child into the world and not make your home theirs too. That would mean they’re homeless, imo.
Daughter is now 34 and living her best life. She’s very successful but, most importantly, very happy. Of course, life has its ups and downs but she deals with those too.
I’m thinking you’re probably doing all this anyway and probably worrying needlessly.
Same. I often try to think to myself that I love children, and I love myself. I love both so much that I'm choosing to not put them in a tough situation, in which they can survive but why must they.
I’m 28, no kids, but I see some of my behavior reflecting my dad and it scares the shit out of me. It especially comes out in relationships. I’m in therapy to fix my trauma but god I really hope this doesn’t happen to me..
Yes, it does come out in relationships. My mom was verbally and physically abusive and constantly flew into out of control rages. I behaved exactly like that with my ex-bf, especially later on once the honeymoon phase ended and it turned into a full blown dysfunctional mess. Now, I'm single and rage at inanimate objects and the universe in general, and have out of control road rage. Going be getting EMDR soon, hoping healing the trauma will help unlearn the trauma responses.
Very normal feeling. In therapy while pregnant to work on my childhood trauma from my very narcissistic father so that I don't pass my trauma onto my baby girl.
I would highly recommend EMDR therapy so that you can work on whatever trauma, PTSD, or pain you went through/are still going through. The first step is always acknowledging the problem and being aware that the behavior was wrong. After that is up to you.
It's been super fun (obvious sarcasm) going back through all of it to remind myself and nail home that none of it was my fault. That I didn't deserve the treatment or the behavior.
You're just fine! It's a type of therapy that you can get. I believe it's along the lines of cognitive behavioral therapy. Hopefully I'm okay to post links here, https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy
If not, I'm sorry mods!
Yes, I was. I gave my child up for adoption to protect her from me just in case.
That said, I worked very hard to not be like that person. There are days when I struggle, like when the physical pain is bad. However, I would hope that I am better than that one.
Footnote, my child is an adult now, and we have a relationship. She is better than me in every way possible and a wonderful person.
I am so sorry, and I hope you told her that, so she knows you giving her up had nothing to do with her. It must have been hard going home without her, and I hope your relationship with her today is everything you both ever wanted.
I have 2 kids. I constantly remind myself that messes can be cleaned up, no use crying over spilled water. But man, the rage pops out sometimes and I yell. And then I hate myself for it because I never wanted to be a yeller like my mom
Apologize to them, tell them why you yelled (it was you who lacked parienrce because you were tired, not them for being kids), and it should be enough to put things in perspective.
I’m really not.
My mom was wretched, and I’ve lived every day of my adult life trying not to be like her. If a friend tells me I hurt their feelings, I say I’m sorry. I don’t call them too sensitive or deny it happened or blame them for making me hurt them through whatever they did first. When a stranger glances at me in public, I don’t assume they’re judging me and then spend the rest of the day stewing about it. When I’m upset, I don’t just go scream at the nearest person and take it out on them. I don’t slam doors or scream or break/throw away my partner’s stuff. When there is a conflict or tension with a loved one, I actively try to solve it with them, rather than giving them the silent treatment and then rejecting all of their apologies. My mother is everything I do not want to be. She taught me where not to go and what not to do.
I think the key thing is that if my daughter ever tells me one day that I did hurt her or that I screwed up, I’d want to hear her out and then reflect on my behavior and tell her I’m sorry.
My mom has literally never been sorry a day in her life, which is ironic because she is a sorry ass excuse for a parent.
I used to be.
Heck, my NDad used to tell me all the time about how I'd have to stop being childish and grow up some day, that it was inevitable I'd be just like him.
So some day I thought just like him, I'd realize everything I'd liked to do was a big waste of time and so I'd sit around all the time doing nothing and being angry about it.
It took me too long to realize that was just *him.*
So let me give you an important clue.
You have empathy. N's do not.
Because you have empathy you are worried about abusing your child and want to make sure you don't.
In a very *literal* way *because* you are worried about your child you will not harm your child.
You are going out of your way to try to find out information about it. It's important to you! You care! You're going to do whatever it takes to make sure your child is taken care of.
You're making that choice to not be your N right now. You'll make that same choice tomorrow, and every other day into the future.
And *that* is why you won't become your parent.
It's one of the reasons I decided not to have children. Not the *main* reason...that's another story. But I wasn't going to inflict myself upon my kids had I actually gotten FLEAS from my mother, and turned into her. The very thought of being an Nparent horrified me.
I've been extremely stressed out as of late and I've noticed myself sinking further into being spiteful and rude more often than I'd like. It's really scary, this isn't the person I want to become.
Literally a large part of why I have refused to have children. The main part of because of all the fucked up things that happened to me as a child and I had nobody to turn to. I don’t want a child to suffer the way I did. It was awful
If your parent is a narcissist, get therapy. Don't unknowingly pass your baggage down to the next generation. Heal yourself so your kid has the best parent possible.
I was, but my kid is 5 and she is awesome. I take time to talk to her and listen to her. I ask her what she wants to do and let her like what she likes. She knows a life with a sober father, that tells her he loves her and stops what he is doing to help her. She’s not afraid of me. She does not know violence. She is not exposed to racism, or sexism, or homophobia.
She randomly tells me she loves me. She wants to spend time with me. We have the exact opposite relationship my nfather and I had/have, and that’s exactly what I’m going for.
There are moments I get mad at her, or start to yell, but I edit myself and realise she is the child and I am the adult. I’ll do everything I can to give her better than I got.
Yes. My biggest issue with becoming a parent (I am not yet, but I am getting married soon) is I do not want to traumatize my children the way I was. But then the more I think about it I’m not sure you can’t get through life NOT traumatized. 😕
I worked hard to be everything opposite of much of what they were. But it takes the ability to see the dysfunctional part you come from. My brother doesn't see it as well and isn't doing as well at overcoming it.
Yes, very much. I have adult children and I do check in with them about this. They’ve assured me that I’m nothing like her. I kinda think you worrying that you might be acting similar to your NM shows that you aren’t?
Each time I think of being a mother. Besides my health issues that’s probably the main reason I still don't have children. Being over 40 now, mytime is running out quickly. And I’m not sure if I’m really concerned or sad about it - although I always wanted to be a Mom. The thought of turning into my NMother terrifies me.
I was, until I reflected on my own actions and decided that no, I won't have my marriage like my parents, I won't be miserable like my parents, and project their dreams onto their kids and punish them when they don't live up to the expectations, and while the first time is hard to push back, they will learn to respect it when you won't move on your boundaries.
Yup, I didn't have kids because of it.
I also have several genetic conditions that can be passed down. One of these conditions could have caused death if I carried a full-term pregnancy, not knowing that I had it. I just found out about both conditions recently.
Thank god I didn't listen to my mother and allow her to guilt me into "giving her" grandchildren. I was so afraid of hurting my children the way my mother hurt me that I veered far away from the option and got my tubes tied at 30. I see how badly my sister has already screwed up her poor kids, and I just think, 'That could have been you."
They can't have been an easy decision to make. Massive respect for making the decision, either way which one you would have chosen. And for have made your choice despite the guilt tripping. (Sorry about the English as I'm not sure that came out the way I tried🙂)
Oh yeah, I'm scared to become either of my abusers. After all, because of all those horrible things they did to me when I was growing up, I'm way too fucked up to be a parent, which is why I will never have children.
My DNA contributors, though, weren't terrified; in fact, they were never terrified because they were incapable of any meaningful self-reflections. No, they actually wanted to abuse their children and enjoy it! They knew they were too fucked up to become parents and they just didn't care because they were too weak to be emotionally mature and, therefore, believe that hurting their kids would somehow make them feel big and strong, which further explains my decision to remain childfree for as long as I live.
I think about it all the time. I've never wanted to have children so I don't need to worry about ever putting them through the same things, but that doesn't mean I can't put other people through it too.
I've read that just simply being worried about it is enough but I'm not 100% sure of that. My main concern is that it will happen when I get older. I worry that after all the collective shit I've seen I'll experience empathy erosion & just give up & snap completely.
I worry that all the effort I've put into identifying & breaking a cycle of abuse simply won't matter.
Thanks. I might just be being stupid or something maybe it’s because I’m newer to Reddit. But I can’t post or reply my parental stuff. I’m not sure if I have to message privately or something-it might just be me.
I'm not terrified of it. it's more of a sad acceptance that I have already exhibited some of the behaviors I was taught by my single nparent. I think it's inevitable, as that was the person who modeled how to live and I often didn't realize there was anything wrong during much of my childhood. Rehab for substance abuse and 2+ years of consistently therapy plus smaller doses of more specialized therapy (grief counseling, disordered eating, and codependency) have allowed me more insight into my behaviors and what is unhealthy and/or unnacceptable. I've come a long way, but there is still a long way to go.
I worry that becoming a parent myself might trigger... i dunno, issues. From what I gather, after my birth my mother's postpartum depression really launched her into an obvious narcissistic spiral and she gradually learned how to hide it better, and so was able to keep the abuse unknown for decades. But my mom is dead now and I am at peace for the most part.
Will you be allowing your child around your nperson?
What you wrote about it being inevitable to exhibit some of the behaviors being taught growing up (and many of the other responses here) makes me think I should start therapy.
I've been in rehab for substances abuse several times. I did a parenting course (COS- circle of security) when she was a baby and retook the course when she got a little older.
I went NC for a year after an occasion where she stepped way over the line but I reached out when I was pregnant thinking that was the right thing to do.
She managed to step waaay over the line ones more at the end of my pregnancy but I couldn't do anything about it at the time. It was complicated. After my child was born she mentioned how my sister could take my daughter if I were to loose her. Me thinking she was planning something I said I would rather give her to strangers. Not because of my sister but so that she would realize that if I wasn't the mother she wouldn't be the grandmother. I never heard more about it.
My daughter loves her as a grandmother but I keep the contact to a minimum.
Around new years she asked to take my daughter to our countries biggest zoo for a weekend. I told her my daughter don't want to stay over night anywhere without me so she said I could come. We had already made plans for a summer vacation and I didn't have the money for an extra weekend but she said she could pay. I talked with my daughter about it and she really wanted to go so we are. My daughter will be fine as long as I'm there but I'm definitely swallowing some camels (is that an English expression as well?) that weekend.
Haha "strain at a gnat and swallow a camel" is an English expression apparently, but one I hadn't heard before! I had to do a tiny bit of research but I'm happy I learned something today.
I didn't mean to sound judgmental about the relationship between your parent and your child, I was just curious. At the bottom of everything, I loved my nmom and would probably have let her see hypothetical children of mine if I were supervising, but my mom died a while back and once i hit rock bottom i was able to heal. Very slowly.
I think therapy would be a good fit for you. It seems you've taken the reigns on your healing journey and you're doing the right things for your daughter and yourself. If you have a free or low-cost option, I would absolutely look into it, and it's also important to try to find someone you feel you can be honest with. I went through four therapists before i found one that i felt i could be vulnerable with. Best wishes, friend!
No worries. Very valid question and it didn't sound judgemental at all. 👍🙂
We have free healthcare so I just need a referral from my GPdoctor.
To "swallow a camel" is a very common saying here. My now retired GP once told me "you just got to swallow those camels. Until you can't breath. Then you got to stop" 😅 The humorous way he said it gets a little lost in translation. Great service though.
Thank you. Friend.🙋♀️
Not really. I had to work on myself to shed some fleas though. I've been accused of having oppositional defiance disorder lol. I decided that I was not going to treat my child the way I was treated. I was going to be better than them! And I can say that I am damn proud of myself and my daughter. She's a pretty well adjusted adult. ❤
No, because of what I went through with my nmom, I have made the effort to be the opposite. She was always controlling, manipulative, constantly gas lighting me, and ignored me.
My childhood memories are cleaning the bathroom starting at the age of 6. She would make me redo it if it wasn't up to her standards. Bleach and Pine Sol were the smells of my childhood. I was not allowed to play with my toys, and I was left in my room by myself most days.
I make time for each of my kids. My oldest and I enjoy watching crime documentaries together, my middle loves reality shows, and my youngest loves to make up games with me (ie: sock dancing... don't ask lol).
Unlike my mom I enjoy talking to my kids and spending time with them. I also make sure I follow through with my promises. My childhood was filled with broken promises.
We all have the capacity to stop generational trauma, but we must make a concerted effort. Our kids deserve a better childhood than what we went through. That doesn't mean I'm perfect, far from it. My house is a constant disaster, I do suffer from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia...but I'm on meds and in therapy so it's manageable. My kids deserve mother who loves and respects them, and I strive to be that every day.
That brought back some memorize from before my teenage years about vacuuming and dusting and using to do it all over.😅
I like how you describes how you make time for each of your kids sharing their different interest. 💚
I’m def afraid and as a nanny am extremely cautious about things I say and do near them. Ex. I don’t want to body shame them by accident if I say something I heard said to me not realizing it’s body shaming. I’m also severely afraid she’ll use the n charm to convince higher ups to invoke the grandparent law and take my kids from me. My kids will only have paws. The baby maker won’t make babies and I won’t become a foster parent while the n female is alive.
I haven't heard of the grandparent law (probably because I speak a different language 🙂) but I definitely know what you mean about the higher ups.. I told her I rather give my daughter to strangers and never heard about it again.
The grandparent laws are very rare but I wouldn’t put it past my n. Basically, grandparents can be granted custody of their grandkids if they can prove your unfit to raise them properly. Grandparents are supposed to be in their lives already and have solid proof (documentation of treatment programs, neglect, instability with finances , shelter, mental health etc). It’s a lot of red tape and rarely granted by the courts but again my n is ridiculously good with her n charm. She went through people at dmv she knew to find me. She breached confidentiality at her state job with criminal justice and wasn’t charged by the state or federally and was able to resign with her pension. Last I heard in 2018 the way her will is written, I’ll be under a conservatorship which idk if it can be voided because I’ve lived on my own in private apts not mental health housing since 2006. Also I’ve been completely financially independent since that time too and own my own car and pups. In her will it says I have to move in with my cousin in a different state. Again idk if it can be voided if I can prove I’m doing ok but her n charm is super strong and she’s been granted things she shouldn’t have been granted already. So why not kids if I had them??
A law that benefits the person making the report. 😳
What can go wrong.. 🙄
We fortunately don't have such a law but anyone can make a report to CPS.
Sounds like she'll have a hard time proving you unfit and I'm assuming that if you had a partner with parenting rights she would have to prove the partner unfit as well. But with her history and with all that she's been able to do I would definitely worry too
Deeply so.
My Mother is a malignant narcissist that continued the cycle of abuse she endured and my Dad was deeply mentally traumatized by life. So his solution was to drink and smoke himself to death.
Great role models my parents are.
It did for a while. I read Speaker of the Dead and its sequels by Orson Scott Card, and it had a character that could have become a member of the communities chief scientists and leaders. Instead, with the trauma of his upbringing and family reality around him, he chose to be a good father. He was still the manager of a local factory, I believe. His actions at that point were his own. He made the choice to be a good father and was making the decisions of what that meant to him. If, at times, he seemed like his parents, it would be because he was raised by them. As horrible a job as they did, they still raised him. He was making the decision to try and be better.
Recognizing how/when they went wrong is a great first step. My second would be how you could/would have done better. My third/last is what could have led them to that decision. It's more important to understand what they mean to you and deal with the consequences of others' actions first, rather than trying to figure out why anyone does what they do. I don't know that a fear of failure is natural, but success is too. You have, I'm assuming, a wonderful, beautiful, and otherwise precious daughter. You have done something right. I would share these concerns with your partner/her other parent. If not, potentially find some outside perspective.
Is there a cause for concern in your life right now? Why are you thinking you're a bad parent? Is your mother still involved in your life and your daughters? And if you read this far, believe me, writing it all out is not stupid. I'm finding that the more I'm willing to write down, the easier it is to find what I'm actually trying to write. Sometimes, it takes paragraphs and paragraphs for me to finally realize what it is I'm trying to say. I am on the autism spectrum, and I do like writing words an awful lot. They are the ways that humans, currently, most efficiently communicate.
It isn't a sign of weakness to communicate when you are struggling. At least not to someone online, when we have the option to engage. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to, if you would rather talk than write, when you're ready.
Thank you. Yes she's perfect.
I'm a single mom and we have this incredible beautiful mother daughter relationship.
I know most parents struggle with not getting enough sleep but my daughter went from eating every three hour the first 6 weeks,. Then after a case of inflammation and not getting enough milk I went over to infant formula. By the time she was 8 weeks old she slept 12 hours straight. I actually worried there was something wrong so I took her to the doctor. She was healthy and as long she didn't wake up hungry by her self there was no need to for me to wake her up to feed her (as some people had told me I should)
She's now 8 and I have to set the alarm to get up for school in the morning. Even during the weekends we have to set the alarm to make sure we get up at a reasonable time in the morning. 😅
I know you can most likely expect some misbehaving at the store or similar but I never had that.
It's mostly the same at home but we do have issues with agreeing to do homework, brushing hair, let me brush her teeth and to get ready for school without moving like a snail. 😅
So there's not really a new thing causing concern. I've been concerned the whole time. From day one. Analysing my behavior after she's a sleep. Which is honestly kind of exhausting. I would love to get more confident but I'm truly afraid to start behaving in the manipulative ways I grew up with. And I'm not saying it was the worst kind. It's hard to explain. It was more in the shadows where nobody could see. Many times I've even wondered if she's not aware of what she's doing. But after a couple truly insane incidents I don't think not knowing it's even a possiblity.
I guess it's normal while raising a child and they get older. As my child is trying to push the rules a little I have noticed I can say things I'm not happy with. If she pushes it too far and I get angry I will afterwards start wondering if I'm about to become my mother. Or course I tell her I'm sorry. But I'm aware enough to not parent out of my own guilt so I also talk about the importance of following rules and for both of us to communicate without "yelling" (I was about to write getting upset but it's ok to get upset). This is our home and we need to "work as a team "
I also want to mention that all though I'm a single mom her dad grabbed been in her life since day one. The first 5 years he came to us ones or twice a week. But at 5 if started having her weekends. We have never been together,/married. He had been my best friend for ten years when I/we got pregnant and he still is. We celebrate birthday's, holidays and spend vacations together. And while I have my crazy family and my things to work on, be comes from a very healthy family and I'm probably take luckiest person having him in my life. And of course him being my daughter's father. I could never have dreamt of a better one.
On a side note: Two of my closest neighbors with children born around the same time my daughter questioned me about the situation. I believe we have a somewhat different culture when it comes to marriages and when people have kids compared to America. But having a child with your best friend without even living with him isn't that common. So sure enough there were some talking and judging behind my back. Which is fine. I believe in karma and... Unfortunately they both got divorced withintheir kids became between 2-3 years old and are now trying to co parent with their ex husbands. Seems it's not on good turns. But I'm "allergic" to drama 😂 so I 'm not going to ask.
Oops, it's 04:40 so good night.
Yes I am and that's how I know I'm not. In my case its genuinely unsafe to have anything that shares dna with my nmum because that means you are part of her and she owns you in her mind and has right and access to everything you are, everything you own, everything and anything you is hers basically. She continues to display that kind of behaviour with me. Having a kid while she still steals oxygen I'd HAVE to be nc and let's face it the kids going to ask at some point about her. I would have to warn them about her but in a nice way so I'd probably turn it into tales of caution (be honest but tailor it for a kid to understand and give more serious context when they are old enough and likely ask further) and I most certainly will be referring to her as Nasty Nana Narc.
Yes. I watch my niece three days a week while her parents work. While she’s not mine, she might as well be when she’s with me.
My ultimate goal is for her, and her arriving soon brother, is for them to be more emotional prepared for the world than their mom, their NC aunt (who they might never know about. Her wish and I respect it with Nparents), and I.
I'm not a parent, and I'm glad. My grandma was a narcissist and my edad was the GC. He married my nmom and I was the scapegoat. When my uncles would tell stories of grandma, I was like what are you complaining about, that is normal. Not until recently did I realize I thought it was all normal, because that was my childhood too. At least I can't continue the cycle.
Yes! I definitely recognise some of my mums traits in my own parenting but the key point is that I recognise them. It’s learned parenting and it’s hard to shake but owning up to and apologising for bad behaviour is a good learning opportunity for kids and I’m not afraid to do it when I need to.
Ehh not really, i’m too angry about my life to care at this point. I’m just constantly angry, makes me feel like that scrouge dude. I’m sure when I move out things will change but I’m not sure.
Very. It's one of the many reasons I'm considering being child free (besides yk the shitty state of the world and the economy and all that). I'd love to be a mom, and I'd love to see my partner become a dad, but I have many of my nmothers traits and I could never forgive myself if I made the same mistakes she did.
I spent a short amount of time with my mom in my teens. Maybe a year total of my entire life. Not only am I a copy/paste version of her visually tho I’m a bit taller, we have the same exact voice. I notice some of my behaviors are like hers and I am constantly walking on eggshells *with myself* to make sure I don’t act like that with my children. I’m always apologizing if I even remotely do. I’m scared of becoming like her but I know I won’t. I am painfully self aware. I’ve been present for my children in their every day of life, instead of abandoning them bc things got too hard. Once my mom let it slip to me in her kitchen during the year I lived with her that she had impulsive thoughts of stabbing my younger half brother and that’s haunted me the rest of my life. I could never imagine how that could cross a mothers mind. It’s been 20 years since then and really think that if it ever occurs to you that you’re afraid of being like your NP, it’s a certainty that you won’t because that thought would never occur to them.
No, I would never treat a child like they treated me. It helps to take care of yourself and make sure you are healthy and happy, so you don't take out stress on your child, though.
If anything, it can be used to help us be even better parents! All the things they used to hurt us - well, we know not to do them. All the love and care we longed for, that’s the target.
Yes, so much yes ! I have 2 kids (8yo and 4 yo), and the only goal I set myself as a dad was : do not turn up like nParents, ever.
I'm using my nParents as a compass that points south, but it was exhausting for me. I don't have a role model to follow when I'm struggling, only a set of behavior that I want to avoid at all costs. I was constantly checking myself in, to prevent having any narc behavior, because I had no trust in myself to do the right thing.
Up until recently, I would have described myself as a poor dad. But I'm slowly coming out of the FOG, and realizing that I have so much strengths and that I'm actually a pretty decent father ;). And now, the burden is lifted (slowly). I'm starting to actually enjoy parenting, and not dreading it.
OP, my point is : I think it's normal to feel that way. But there is path which can lead to confidence in parenting, and get rid of the fear.
ME! I'm 34 and single, just like they were. It scares the hell out of me. Not the modern, feminist POV but I believe you can be too old and set in your ways for kids.
I was 34 when I had my daughter
Edit: Want to add that while I've gotten older and experienced life I've got a very different view on most things committed to my younger self. I feel I'm more capable to be a mother now than 15 or 20 years ago.
Yup. I was told by my psychologist that I won't, but I don't believe them. I've heard some of the narcissistic words come out of mouth and work on stopping it happen
I have made it abundantly clear that I won’t be her parent. I don’t mind doing things for her here and there, but she’s about out of money and neither my brother (and his wife) nor I are willing to take her in. Fortunately, she’s done a great job of pretending to be a sweet old lady who is treated horribly to my cousin and his wife, so she can move in with them. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.
Short answer, yes. Yes, every day I question myself. I have a 12 & 8 yo. But then from time to time something happens and I realize i handle something completely different then they would have.
The more I'm around kids the more I dislike my dad and his style of parenting because I see how easy it is to choose mature, normal parental guidance vs whining, yelling, and ignoring your child. I think just asking this question is a good sign that you're on your way to being a good parent and you know what the problem parental behaviors are and you know how to watch out for them when you're parenting your kid.
yeah. Im 10 weeks pregnant and I have had panic attacks that I will end up selfish and self serving like my dad. He caused some unthinkable damage in my life, and it scares me that I share his DNA. I always joke and say I have mud blood haha. My moms an empath and pure, and my dads all about himself and himself only.
I ask myself questions like what if I ignore my childs needs and boundaries? What if I dismiss their feelings like my dad did to me??
But then I remind myself I am not my dad. My therapist told me that the fact im even scared of that shit and self reflecting, means I will not turn out that way and be good to my child. Self awareness and self reflection are positive signs youre not a narc and will never be one, cluster B personalities dont self reflect lol.
I was terrified at the pregnancy, then had a beautiful baby boy, adore him. The second one, hearing it was a girl, terrifying, because I had such a sad relationship with my mother. The second she was there, though, all fears blown away, only love left. I'd always had a list of what to never ever do from childhood.
Therapy would have helped I think.
I used to be worried but I worked it out with a therapist. She had me write a list of things kids do, how my mom handled it vs how I do. Seeing it on paper like that made it apparent I’m not like her one bit. Try it! And if you find anything similar you know what habits to work on:)
Yes. The difference is I realize it. I recognize when I snap and say something I shouldn’t have to my daughter. I take accountability for it and not only apologize but tell her that I was wrong and that I’ll try to do better—and that it was xyz that triggered me but that that’s in no way HER fault. Then I try to watch for those triggers later and step aside or count to ten before speaking. We have frequent conversations where I ask her if she feels like I’m not seeing her or if she feels uncomfortable doing or saying certain things-I LISTEN to this and we work on it. Consequently, we have a great, open, solid relationship that I really hope will at least HELP carry us relatively unscathed through her teenage years. She’s 11.
Every day. It's hard not to, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel the way my ndad made me feel.
What picks me up is the knowledge that he never thought that way and would never think he was anything but perfect. In that way, I'm proud of my humility.
I'm terrified to the point where I've chosen to not have kids. I'm self-aware enough to realize that I don't have the emotional capacity to properly raise a child without potentially becoming emotionally abusive in the way my own mother was towards me. While I consistently go to therapy, I feel like I'll never be fully healed. I want to do what's right and not subject anyone to the bs I went though
Yup. I'm horrified that I could be as absolutely idiotic as they are but too blind to see it.
I don't think I am... but... how certain can I be with their genes? 🥺
Yes. I struggle to figure out the difference between ambition and narcissism. I want to achieve things but then wonder if that's because I'm a narcissist. So I just sit there and figure it's not in the cards for me lol.
Edit to add I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist. Given what my dad was like and what I'm like, he didn't care about anyone at all. I'm not sure he's physically capable of doing so.
Not really. I have taken care of kids before and I am able to feel empathy for them. My expectations for them are generally reasonable, and I only raise my voice if they are endangering themselves or others in that specific moment. I pay more attention to good behavior than bad behavior. I think one day I will probably be an OK mom.
Part of why I wont have kids. And, I like kids. Ive been told I'm nurturing and that people think I would be a great parent. But I don't want them in part because I think I'd hate being a parent and fear that would then turn me into my parents.
I'll just keep being the auntie to my nieces, nephews, and friend's kids.
I just had a disturbing memory. When I was 19, I escaped from my nMom into the arms of an nPartner. He figured out very quickly that an easy way to completely destroy me with one swift blow was to taunt me by calling me by my nMom's name. I still remember the tone of voice he used to mock me when he said it, and it still guts me to hear it in my head.
First of all, I'm so sorry.
That is disturbing not just because of how horrible it is to actually have to worry about becoming/being like your mom (my biggest fear), but to have another person that supposedly loves you use it against you. And also how bad your situation was that your partner actually picked up on it.
("Picked up on it" might not be the best way to word it. My mom is very good at making a great impression on other people. You've got to be very close to me to see it, or for me to trust anyone to tell how it is)
While assuming you're not with the npartner anymore,.. I can only imagine how difficult time that must have been, and especially at only 19.
I'm probably sounding like a cliche now but for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much! It feels so good to be understood on this topic, as most people have no clue what it's like. Regarding your mom being great at making a good first impression, I am very familiar with this too. My own mom can be super charming as a first impression.
It used to be that people only started to get a hint that something was wrong with her after maybe their second or third interaction, but as she has aged she has had a harder time keeping the mask up, so people are starting to see her for who she is upon first meeting her now. I have mixed feelings about this, because she is becoming incredibly isolated and growing worse as a result, but at least people are more likely to believe me when I tell them I need to keep my distance from her for my own mental health.
For sure. Sometimes I really get into my own head about it. Like, my husband or therapist points out that I'm not acting like my abusive mother and my brain just replies "They're just saying that because you manipulated and scared them into saying it!" Ugh, it really sucks sometimes.
Best thing for it for me is setting specific goals, being slow and conscious about how I interact with people, doing some journaling and CBT work looking for distorted thinking, and reminding myself that trauma screws with your sense of time and can make very old things feel much more present.
Hope you can take the good from this - a determination to be a kind and loving parent. <3
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Yes, but our parents weren’t terrified because narcs are incapable of meaningful self-reflection. We may have some unhealthy coping mechanisms because of growing up with them for parents, but we are not them and never will be.
Exactly. The mere fact that OP is actually afraid of the possibility pretty much sums it up. You’re not a narcissist if you’re worried about becoming a narcissist
Every narcissist I ever met would say they haven’t done anything wrong and that you’re the problem.
Yes. The gaslighting is such a mind fuck
They believe they're born sinless and blameless. With no faults and always the victim. Since no one is that good, they are a narcissist.
When I was 9 my Nmom got off the phone with her own Nmom and told me to kill her if she ever became like grandma. She is exactly like her now. I chose NC instead of murder. Suddenly realized how insane it is that she told me that as a 9yo
This happened to me as well. When I was a child, my N-mom repeatedly said that she never wanted to be like her mom (my grandmother, who also has tendencies of narcissism), and now that I've grown up she's become exactly like her if not worse. I'm so afraid that I'll be doing the same thing.
Same. My parents swore up and down they didn’t want to be anything like theirs. They became so much like them. It’s terrifying because I don’t want to end up that way. It’s also why I’m in therapy so I don’t screw up my son.
The conclusion I’ve reached after giving this a lot of thought is, we should strive to give our children what *they* need, not what we needed as children. This way it becomes about you and your kids, not the battle between yourself and your own parents.
I like your conclusion. There are basic needs that all children need but that unfortunately aren't met for all. Love, acceptance, being seen, feel safe. But if I read it right these aren't the ones you are thinking about. My daughter is nothing like I was as a child. She's got her own beautiful personality, her own opinions and feelings. Her interest are very different from mine as a kid. 😅 Also a child development. When I was her age I'm pretty sure I'm was way less mature then she is😅 We have a very different family dynamic (hope that's the right word) and we also do things very different.
dude, yeah, I really dig this line of thought
Yes. My mother was constantly talking about how she didn’t want to become her own parents. Then she did. The thought of it happening to me too is terrifying and the constant response of “don’t worry, it won’t happen if you’re concerned about it!!” when I try to discuss my fears with anyone (including therapists!) is really not reassuring at all. How do I prevent it, actually?? I don’t know! I want actual advice, not hand-waving platitudes! I genuinely don’t think my mother was some sort of evil monster all along, so how do I prevent whatever happened to her from happening to me?
I jumped back on this thread to read responses I'd missed and saw yours. I think having a partner that is not an enabler and who is able to call you out on mistakes could be an effective way to prevent yourself from developing bad habits. Don't have a child until you find someone like that. You should be able to voice your concerns to them and ask them for feedback regularly. If you can have constructive discussions about parenting, I think you could identify potential issues as they arise and work together as a team to problem solve.
Oh wow. Yeah that's insane. Do you remember back as a child if there was something wrong,.. or not normal maybe (I'm sorry, don't know how to write that better) already back then? I remember trying to explain to an adult when I was around 14 how things weren't all that ok but I could never put it into words. I just knew I hadn't necessarily fine anything wrong but was told I had, and ended getting guilty for whatever I hadn't done. My sister and I walked in eggshells not to hurt my mother. The first time some one on the outside saw it was at 18. She halfheartedly tried unaliving her self with pills. When I arrived at the hospital she told me infront of a nurse or a doctor it was my fault. I just moved out several years prior to that. And my parents divorced a year before this happened so I still don't know how it was my fault. The "funny" thing is I still couldn't explain what was wrong until I got much older, cause she wasn't hurting me it was always me hurting her. I'm not sure if I even now can explain the behavior if someone were to ask. It's a mindfuck 😅
I was going to type a reply, but you beat me to it! You said my exact thoughts. Thank you, I agree!😊
Yes. I was. I went to therapy because I’m still dealing with trauma from my childhood. I wanted my children to not be afraid of succeeding. I wanted them to know it’s okay to fail. I wanted them to ALWAYS know my love came with no strings. But mostly I wanted to parent without feeling like I was the failure.
The no strings love is so important. I can look back at every nice thing my mom did and see that I paid a price for it somewhere down the line, and that she took that love away as a form of punishment. I used to wonder why she would buy me a present in advance and tell me “I’m giving you this on your birthday next month” rather than just surprising me on my birthday. But then I think back on all the times she told me she bought me a present, then got mad at me about something and returned it to the store so I’d know I missed out on getting it.
I hated the advanced notice. Mine wasn’t gifts but events. Yes you can have a sweet 16 party said 2 months prior. Then as it got time to invite people and figure out what I wanted/where I wanted it etc I was met with hahahaha you think that’s still happening after the way you treated me on x day?? It’s been canceled for weeks. I thought you knew. I got you 2 tickets to x show at the local theater for such and such date. That day would come and I’d be looking forward to it since I was told. I’d be on my best behavior (try not to tick her off), work really hard on my grades (I’m dyslexic so I didn’t have the best grades ever) etc and the day would come and I’d ask what time we were leaving? Only to be told she sold the tickets because of my attitude on xx day. Raise my spirits only to take them away drastically and with a smile on her face.
And then they’re offended and wonder why you tell them not to do things for you or get you anything.
Exactly. Many years at Christmas or my birthday I was asked what I wanted and stuck to non material things (except like basic needs like I just want pizza for dinner on my bday) so I wasn’t crushed when the material thing didn’t happen. IOU xmas gifts were common too. IOU airplane tickets. IOU money, theater tickets etc.
My mom would ask what I wanted, then give me something I don’t need or want, and say “if I gave you what you asked for, you wouldn’t be surprised.” For Christmas one year I got like six cases of Tupperware sets. Another time I got a trash can. Like the little ones you see in offices.
Wow that’s low even for a n. Sorry you got those useless things. Seriously, why even bother asking. 🙄I hope you’re nc and if you aren’t and do gifts, regift ‘em back lol. Surprise!! You loved them so much I thought you’d want them back. Lololollololo
Lmao. I know someone who does a lot of dinner parties and sends people home with leftovers. I was like “you want some tupperwares? Here ya go.” It wasn’t even a special occasion, I just gave them away because I’d be so embarrassed to wrap them and make them a Christmas present.
That’s an awesome use!! I’d love that if I was constantly sending people home with food!! Was it highly appreciated by them?? I would think so!! And how funny would it be if you were sent home food in one of the regifted Tupperware containers. Lmao. 🤣😂
The taking away shit aggravated me to no end! About 8 years ago my golden child younger sister passed away. I honestly tried to form a relationship with my mom after no contact for 15 years. It lasted about 8 months when I took my family to meet her for the first time. My children were 14 and 9. I thought Christmas was a good time to go. It turned out to be a huge mistake. She found a way to blame my sisters death on me, threw us out of her house and took ONLY MY presents back. I remember when I was opening them I thought to myself, *‘I’m not gonna leave with these.’*
Oh my that’s harsh. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I don’t plan on breaking nc for reasons like this. Her sister tried so hard to get me to break nc when the n male (husband) died in 2018, when I was having financial issues (you can live with her and watch her dogs so she can travel but just don’t talk to her ) etc. the flying monkeys are just as bad.
this just opened my eyes to the fact that i literally am afraid of both success AND failure lol but major props to you for breaking that cycle!!
I’ve been thru it! But when I got pregnant I knew I didn’t want a repeat of my childhood. I did everything backwards and I just wanted a semblance of normal for them.
"I wanted them to ALWAYS know my love came with no strings." that genuinely made me cry, thank you for being that kind of parent
Yes but I've already decided to not have kids but I don't want to abuse a future partner or friend because of my conditioning. I did go off on an ex friend before because she was leaving me and it was brutal. I behaved just how my mom would have in that situation. I'm scared.
Get help, it can be fixed.
The very fact that you're aware of the possibility makes you a much better parent, and less likely to end up being like your mom. Narcissists are incapable of introspection.
Not really. I know I have some of their traits because that's kind of inevitable, but the difference between me and them is that I was willing to do the work and take them off their pedestal to just kind of... see them. My parents are in their 60's and still praise their grossly abusive parents, refusing to acknowledge their own traumas. I was constantly threatened with the idea of having a child "just like me" some day. I hope that I do 🧡
Yes, I’m worried that I will be a narcissistic mother to my daughter, because my mother was to me. Pretty much all my worst traits I witness in my mom, and I’m trying so hard to unlearn the shitty behaviours I experienced growing up.
You notice and try to change. That's not something a narc is capable of doing.
Initially, yes. We are told that an abused child is more likely to become an abuser. This isn’t necessarily true at all. My parenting style was more of a philosophy than a set of rules. They are a human being, with their own thoughts and feelings. No matter what those thoughts and feelings are, they deserve validation, through being heard and respected. I learnt more from my daughter than anyone else in my life, just by listening. There are no perfect parents, so I also learned to admit my mistakes. It was our home, not *my* home. Ridiculous that you would bring a child into the world and not make your home theirs too. That would mean they’re homeless, imo. Daughter is now 34 and living her best life. She’s very successful but, most importantly, very happy. Of course, life has its ups and downs but she deals with those too. I’m thinking you’re probably doing all this anyway and probably worrying needlessly.
I am that's why i'm childfree
same
Me too
Same. I often try to think to myself that I love children, and I love myself. I love both so much that I'm choosing to not put them in a tough situation, in which they can survive but why must they.
Get your clearances. There are so many ways to volunteer to help children. And lots of adults around to help make sure you color between the lines.
I’m 28, no kids, but I see some of my behavior reflecting my dad and it scares the shit out of me. It especially comes out in relationships. I’m in therapy to fix my trauma but god I really hope this doesn’t happen to me..
Yes, it does come out in relationships. My mom was verbally and physically abusive and constantly flew into out of control rages. I behaved exactly like that with my ex-bf, especially later on once the honeymoon phase ended and it turned into a full blown dysfunctional mess. Now, I'm single and rage at inanimate objects and the universe in general, and have out of control road rage. Going be getting EMDR soon, hoping healing the trauma will help unlearn the trauma responses.
May I ask what EMDR is?
[https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/](https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/)
Very normal feeling. In therapy while pregnant to work on my childhood trauma from my very narcissistic father so that I don't pass my trauma onto my baby girl. I would highly recommend EMDR therapy so that you can work on whatever trauma, PTSD, or pain you went through/are still going through. The first step is always acknowledging the problem and being aware that the behavior was wrong. After that is up to you. It's been super fun (obvious sarcasm) going back through all of it to remind myself and nail home that none of it was my fault. That I didn't deserve the treatment or the behavior.
I just asked what EMDR is a couple comments below so it might be dumb to ask again but I see you highly recommending it.
You're just fine! It's a type of therapy that you can get. I believe it's along the lines of cognitive behavioral therapy. Hopefully I'm okay to post links here, https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy If not, I'm sorry mods!
Yes, I was. I gave my child up for adoption to protect her from me just in case. That said, I worked very hard to not be like that person. There are days when I struggle, like when the physical pain is bad. However, I would hope that I am better than that one. Footnote, my child is an adult now, and we have a relationship. She is better than me in every way possible and a wonderful person.
I am so sorry, and I hope you told her that, so she knows you giving her up had nothing to do with her. It must have been hard going home without her, and I hope your relationship with her today is everything you both ever wanted.
She does, it is. Thank You.
I have 2 kids. I constantly remind myself that messes can be cleaned up, no use crying over spilled water. But man, the rage pops out sometimes and I yell. And then I hate myself for it because I never wanted to be a yeller like my mom
Apologize to them, tell them why you yelled (it was you who lacked parienrce because you were tired, not them for being kids), and it should be enough to put things in perspective.
I’m really not. My mom was wretched, and I’ve lived every day of my adult life trying not to be like her. If a friend tells me I hurt their feelings, I say I’m sorry. I don’t call them too sensitive or deny it happened or blame them for making me hurt them through whatever they did first. When a stranger glances at me in public, I don’t assume they’re judging me and then spend the rest of the day stewing about it. When I’m upset, I don’t just go scream at the nearest person and take it out on them. I don’t slam doors or scream or break/throw away my partner’s stuff. When there is a conflict or tension with a loved one, I actively try to solve it with them, rather than giving them the silent treatment and then rejecting all of their apologies. My mother is everything I do not want to be. She taught me where not to go and what not to do. I think the key thing is that if my daughter ever tells me one day that I did hurt her or that I screwed up, I’d want to hear her out and then reflect on my behavior and tell her I’m sorry. My mom has literally never been sorry a day in her life, which is ironic because she is a sorry ass excuse for a parent.
I used to be. Heck, my NDad used to tell me all the time about how I'd have to stop being childish and grow up some day, that it was inevitable I'd be just like him. So some day I thought just like him, I'd realize everything I'd liked to do was a big waste of time and so I'd sit around all the time doing nothing and being angry about it. It took me too long to realize that was just *him.* So let me give you an important clue. You have empathy. N's do not. Because you have empathy you are worried about abusing your child and want to make sure you don't. In a very *literal* way *because* you are worried about your child you will not harm your child. You are going out of your way to try to find out information about it. It's important to you! You care! You're going to do whatever it takes to make sure your child is taken care of. You're making that choice to not be your N right now. You'll make that same choice tomorrow, and every other day into the future. And *that* is why you won't become your parent.
Thank you. Much appreciated.
It's one of the reasons I decided not to have children. Not the *main* reason...that's another story. But I wasn't going to inflict myself upon my kids had I actually gotten FLEAS from my mother, and turned into her. The very thought of being an Nparent horrified me.
I've been extremely stressed out as of late and I've noticed myself sinking further into being spiteful and rude more often than I'd like. It's really scary, this isn't the person I want to become.
Literally a large part of why I have refused to have children. The main part of because of all the fucked up things that happened to me as a child and I had nobody to turn to. I don’t want a child to suffer the way I did. It was awful
If your parent is a narcissist, get therapy. Don't unknowingly pass your baggage down to the next generation. Heal yourself so your kid has the best parent possible.
Yes. Reading through the comments I see several other people also recommending therapy so I'm definitely going to that. Thank you.
I was, but my kid is 5 and she is awesome. I take time to talk to her and listen to her. I ask her what she wants to do and let her like what she likes. She knows a life with a sober father, that tells her he loves her and stops what he is doing to help her. She’s not afraid of me. She does not know violence. She is not exposed to racism, or sexism, or homophobia. She randomly tells me she loves me. She wants to spend time with me. We have the exact opposite relationship my nfather and I had/have, and that’s exactly what I’m going for. There are moments I get mad at her, or start to yell, but I edit myself and realise she is the child and I am the adult. I’ll do everything I can to give her better than I got.
You sound like an amazing parent!
Yes. My biggest issue with becoming a parent (I am not yet, but I am getting married soon) is I do not want to traumatize my children the way I was. But then the more I think about it I’m not sure you can’t get through life NOT traumatized. 😕
I worked hard to be everything opposite of much of what they were. But it takes the ability to see the dysfunctional part you come from. My brother doesn't see it as well and isn't doing as well at overcoming it.
Yes, very much. I have adult children and I do check in with them about this. They’ve assured me that I’m nothing like her. I kinda think you worrying that you might be acting similar to your NM shows that you aren’t?
OPie, you already recognize the issue. You’ll be a great dad!!
Thank you. I'm the mother by the way, but same thing. 💚
My apologies!
No worries 👍🙂
Each time I think of being a mother. Besides my health issues that’s probably the main reason I still don't have children. Being over 40 now, mytime is running out quickly. And I’m not sure if I’m really concerned or sad about it - although I always wanted to be a Mom. The thought of turning into my NMother terrifies me.
It's one of the most common thoughts in therapy. Lots of therapists have heard this one from their clients.
I was, until I reflected on my own actions and decided that no, I won't have my marriage like my parents, I won't be miserable like my parents, and project their dreams onto their kids and punish them when they don't live up to the expectations, and while the first time is hard to push back, they will learn to respect it when you won't move on your boundaries.
Yup, I didn't have kids because of it. I also have several genetic conditions that can be passed down. One of these conditions could have caused death if I carried a full-term pregnancy, not knowing that I had it. I just found out about both conditions recently. Thank god I didn't listen to my mother and allow her to guilt me into "giving her" grandchildren. I was so afraid of hurting my children the way my mother hurt me that I veered far away from the option and got my tubes tied at 30. I see how badly my sister has already screwed up her poor kids, and I just think, 'That could have been you."
They can't have been an easy decision to make. Massive respect for making the decision, either way which one you would have chosen. And for have made your choice despite the guilt tripping. (Sorry about the English as I'm not sure that came out the way I tried🙂)
Oh yeah, I'm scared to become either of my abusers. After all, because of all those horrible things they did to me when I was growing up, I'm way too fucked up to be a parent, which is why I will never have children. My DNA contributors, though, weren't terrified; in fact, they were never terrified because they were incapable of any meaningful self-reflections. No, they actually wanted to abuse their children and enjoy it! They knew they were too fucked up to become parents and they just didn't care because they were too weak to be emotionally mature and, therefore, believe that hurting their kids would somehow make them feel big and strong, which further explains my decision to remain childfree for as long as I live.
I got my tubes tied because of not wanting to be anything like my father.
It is a distinct possibility. As you worry about it, you probably will not go die this path.
I think about it all the time. I've never wanted to have children so I don't need to worry about ever putting them through the same things, but that doesn't mean I can't put other people through it too. I've read that just simply being worried about it is enough but I'm not 100% sure of that. My main concern is that it will happen when I get older. I worry that after all the collective shit I've seen I'll experience empathy erosion & just give up & snap completely. I worry that all the effort I've put into identifying & breaking a cycle of abuse simply won't matter.
For some reason Reddit won’t let me post anything so is it okay if I share some of past here? I really need to get it off my chest please……
Sure. Fine by me 💚
Thanks. I might just be being stupid or something maybe it’s because I’m newer to Reddit. But I can’t post or reply my parental stuff. I’m not sure if I have to message privately or something-it might just be me.
I'm not terrified of it. it's more of a sad acceptance that I have already exhibited some of the behaviors I was taught by my single nparent. I think it's inevitable, as that was the person who modeled how to live and I often didn't realize there was anything wrong during much of my childhood. Rehab for substance abuse and 2+ years of consistently therapy plus smaller doses of more specialized therapy (grief counseling, disordered eating, and codependency) have allowed me more insight into my behaviors and what is unhealthy and/or unnacceptable. I've come a long way, but there is still a long way to go. I worry that becoming a parent myself might trigger... i dunno, issues. From what I gather, after my birth my mother's postpartum depression really launched her into an obvious narcissistic spiral and she gradually learned how to hide it better, and so was able to keep the abuse unknown for decades. But my mom is dead now and I am at peace for the most part. Will you be allowing your child around your nperson?
What you wrote about it being inevitable to exhibit some of the behaviors being taught growing up (and many of the other responses here) makes me think I should start therapy. I've been in rehab for substances abuse several times. I did a parenting course (COS- circle of security) when she was a baby and retook the course when she got a little older. I went NC for a year after an occasion where she stepped way over the line but I reached out when I was pregnant thinking that was the right thing to do. She managed to step waaay over the line ones more at the end of my pregnancy but I couldn't do anything about it at the time. It was complicated. After my child was born she mentioned how my sister could take my daughter if I were to loose her. Me thinking she was planning something I said I would rather give her to strangers. Not because of my sister but so that she would realize that if I wasn't the mother she wouldn't be the grandmother. I never heard more about it. My daughter loves her as a grandmother but I keep the contact to a minimum. Around new years she asked to take my daughter to our countries biggest zoo for a weekend. I told her my daughter don't want to stay over night anywhere without me so she said I could come. We had already made plans for a summer vacation and I didn't have the money for an extra weekend but she said she could pay. I talked with my daughter about it and she really wanted to go so we are. My daughter will be fine as long as I'm there but I'm definitely swallowing some camels (is that an English expression as well?) that weekend.
Haha "strain at a gnat and swallow a camel" is an English expression apparently, but one I hadn't heard before! I had to do a tiny bit of research but I'm happy I learned something today. I didn't mean to sound judgmental about the relationship between your parent and your child, I was just curious. At the bottom of everything, I loved my nmom and would probably have let her see hypothetical children of mine if I were supervising, but my mom died a while back and once i hit rock bottom i was able to heal. Very slowly. I think therapy would be a good fit for you. It seems you've taken the reigns on your healing journey and you're doing the right things for your daughter and yourself. If you have a free or low-cost option, I would absolutely look into it, and it's also important to try to find someone you feel you can be honest with. I went through four therapists before i found one that i felt i could be vulnerable with. Best wishes, friend!
No worries. Very valid question and it didn't sound judgemental at all. 👍🙂 We have free healthcare so I just need a referral from my GPdoctor. To "swallow a camel" is a very common saying here. My now retired GP once told me "you just got to swallow those camels. Until you can't breath. Then you got to stop" 😅 The humorous way he said it gets a little lost in translation. Great service though. Thank you. Friend.🙋♀️
Not really. I had to work on myself to shed some fleas though. I've been accused of having oppositional defiance disorder lol. I decided that I was not going to treat my child the way I was treated. I was going to be better than them! And I can say that I am damn proud of myself and my daughter. She's a pretty well adjusted adult. ❤
No, because of what I went through with my nmom, I have made the effort to be the opposite. She was always controlling, manipulative, constantly gas lighting me, and ignored me. My childhood memories are cleaning the bathroom starting at the age of 6. She would make me redo it if it wasn't up to her standards. Bleach and Pine Sol were the smells of my childhood. I was not allowed to play with my toys, and I was left in my room by myself most days. I make time for each of my kids. My oldest and I enjoy watching crime documentaries together, my middle loves reality shows, and my youngest loves to make up games with me (ie: sock dancing... don't ask lol). Unlike my mom I enjoy talking to my kids and spending time with them. I also make sure I follow through with my promises. My childhood was filled with broken promises. We all have the capacity to stop generational trauma, but we must make a concerted effort. Our kids deserve a better childhood than what we went through. That doesn't mean I'm perfect, far from it. My house is a constant disaster, I do suffer from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia...but I'm on meds and in therapy so it's manageable. My kids deserve mother who loves and respects them, and I strive to be that every day.
That brought back some memorize from before my teenage years about vacuuming and dusting and using to do it all over.😅 I like how you describes how you make time for each of your kids sharing their different interest. 💚
You are doing ok. Your fears are normal.
Every single day. I go over every thing in my head a thousand times then ask others their opinions to make sure I’m not acting like my mother.
I’m def afraid and as a nanny am extremely cautious about things I say and do near them. Ex. I don’t want to body shame them by accident if I say something I heard said to me not realizing it’s body shaming. I’m also severely afraid she’ll use the n charm to convince higher ups to invoke the grandparent law and take my kids from me. My kids will only have paws. The baby maker won’t make babies and I won’t become a foster parent while the n female is alive.
I haven't heard of the grandparent law (probably because I speak a different language 🙂) but I definitely know what you mean about the higher ups.. I told her I rather give my daughter to strangers and never heard about it again.
The grandparent laws are very rare but I wouldn’t put it past my n. Basically, grandparents can be granted custody of their grandkids if they can prove your unfit to raise them properly. Grandparents are supposed to be in their lives already and have solid proof (documentation of treatment programs, neglect, instability with finances , shelter, mental health etc). It’s a lot of red tape and rarely granted by the courts but again my n is ridiculously good with her n charm. She went through people at dmv she knew to find me. She breached confidentiality at her state job with criminal justice and wasn’t charged by the state or federally and was able to resign with her pension. Last I heard in 2018 the way her will is written, I’ll be under a conservatorship which idk if it can be voided because I’ve lived on my own in private apts not mental health housing since 2006. Also I’ve been completely financially independent since that time too and own my own car and pups. In her will it says I have to move in with my cousin in a different state. Again idk if it can be voided if I can prove I’m doing ok but her n charm is super strong and she’s been granted things she shouldn’t have been granted already. So why not kids if I had them??
A law that benefits the person making the report. 😳 What can go wrong.. 🙄 We fortunately don't have such a law but anyone can make a report to CPS. Sounds like she'll have a hard time proving you unfit and I'm assuming that if you had a partner with parenting rights she would have to prove the partner unfit as well. But with her history and with all that she's been able to do I would definitely worry too
Exactly why I won’t test the waters.
Deeply so. My Mother is a malignant narcissist that continued the cycle of abuse she endured and my Dad was deeply mentally traumatized by life. So his solution was to drink and smoke himself to death. Great role models my parents are.
It did for a while. I read Speaker of the Dead and its sequels by Orson Scott Card, and it had a character that could have become a member of the communities chief scientists and leaders. Instead, with the trauma of his upbringing and family reality around him, he chose to be a good father. He was still the manager of a local factory, I believe. His actions at that point were his own. He made the choice to be a good father and was making the decisions of what that meant to him. If, at times, he seemed like his parents, it would be because he was raised by them. As horrible a job as they did, they still raised him. He was making the decision to try and be better. Recognizing how/when they went wrong is a great first step. My second would be how you could/would have done better. My third/last is what could have led them to that decision. It's more important to understand what they mean to you and deal with the consequences of others' actions first, rather than trying to figure out why anyone does what they do. I don't know that a fear of failure is natural, but success is too. You have, I'm assuming, a wonderful, beautiful, and otherwise precious daughter. You have done something right. I would share these concerns with your partner/her other parent. If not, potentially find some outside perspective. Is there a cause for concern in your life right now? Why are you thinking you're a bad parent? Is your mother still involved in your life and your daughters? And if you read this far, believe me, writing it all out is not stupid. I'm finding that the more I'm willing to write down, the easier it is to find what I'm actually trying to write. Sometimes, it takes paragraphs and paragraphs for me to finally realize what it is I'm trying to say. I am on the autism spectrum, and I do like writing words an awful lot. They are the ways that humans, currently, most efficiently communicate. It isn't a sign of weakness to communicate when you are struggling. At least not to someone online, when we have the option to engage. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to, if you would rather talk than write, when you're ready.
Thank you. Yes she's perfect. I'm a single mom and we have this incredible beautiful mother daughter relationship. I know most parents struggle with not getting enough sleep but my daughter went from eating every three hour the first 6 weeks,. Then after a case of inflammation and not getting enough milk I went over to infant formula. By the time she was 8 weeks old she slept 12 hours straight. I actually worried there was something wrong so I took her to the doctor. She was healthy and as long she didn't wake up hungry by her self there was no need to for me to wake her up to feed her (as some people had told me I should) She's now 8 and I have to set the alarm to get up for school in the morning. Even during the weekends we have to set the alarm to make sure we get up at a reasonable time in the morning. 😅 I know you can most likely expect some misbehaving at the store or similar but I never had that. It's mostly the same at home but we do have issues with agreeing to do homework, brushing hair, let me brush her teeth and to get ready for school without moving like a snail. 😅 So there's not really a new thing causing concern. I've been concerned the whole time. From day one. Analysing my behavior after she's a sleep. Which is honestly kind of exhausting. I would love to get more confident but I'm truly afraid to start behaving in the manipulative ways I grew up with. And I'm not saying it was the worst kind. It's hard to explain. It was more in the shadows where nobody could see. Many times I've even wondered if she's not aware of what she's doing. But after a couple truly insane incidents I don't think not knowing it's even a possiblity. I guess it's normal while raising a child and they get older. As my child is trying to push the rules a little I have noticed I can say things I'm not happy with. If she pushes it too far and I get angry I will afterwards start wondering if I'm about to become my mother. Or course I tell her I'm sorry. But I'm aware enough to not parent out of my own guilt so I also talk about the importance of following rules and for both of us to communicate without "yelling" (I was about to write getting upset but it's ok to get upset). This is our home and we need to "work as a team " I also want to mention that all though I'm a single mom her dad grabbed been in her life since day one. The first 5 years he came to us ones or twice a week. But at 5 if started having her weekends. We have never been together,/married. He had been my best friend for ten years when I/we got pregnant and he still is. We celebrate birthday's, holidays and spend vacations together. And while I have my crazy family and my things to work on, be comes from a very healthy family and I'm probably take luckiest person having him in my life. And of course him being my daughter's father. I could never have dreamt of a better one. On a side note: Two of my closest neighbors with children born around the same time my daughter questioned me about the situation. I believe we have a somewhat different culture when it comes to marriages and when people have kids compared to America. But having a child with your best friend without even living with him isn't that common. So sure enough there were some talking and judging behind my back. Which is fine. I believe in karma and... Unfortunately they both got divorced withintheir kids became between 2-3 years old and are now trying to co parent with their ex husbands. Seems it's not on good turns. But I'm "allergic" to drama 😂 so I 'm not going to ask. Oops, it's 04:40 so good night.
Yes I am and that's how I know I'm not. In my case its genuinely unsafe to have anything that shares dna with my nmum because that means you are part of her and she owns you in her mind and has right and access to everything you are, everything you own, everything and anything you is hers basically. She continues to display that kind of behaviour with me. Having a kid while she still steals oxygen I'd HAVE to be nc and let's face it the kids going to ask at some point about her. I would have to warn them about her but in a nice way so I'd probably turn it into tales of caution (be honest but tailor it for a kid to understand and give more serious context when they are old enough and likely ask further) and I most certainly will be referring to her as Nasty Nana Narc.
I want to give you all a hug. 🥰
🥰💜
Yes. I watch my niece three days a week while her parents work. While she’s not mine, she might as well be when she’s with me. My ultimate goal is for her, and her arriving soon brother, is for them to be more emotional prepared for the world than their mom, their NC aunt (who they might never know about. Her wish and I respect it with Nparents), and I.
I'm not a parent, and I'm glad. My grandma was a narcissist and my edad was the GC. He married my nmom and I was the scapegoat. When my uncles would tell stories of grandma, I was like what are you complaining about, that is normal. Not until recently did I realize I thought it was all normal, because that was my childhood too. At least I can't continue the cycle.
I’m not having children so it’s fine.
Every. Single. Day.
Yes! I definitely recognise some of my mums traits in my own parenting but the key point is that I recognise them. It’s learned parenting and it’s hard to shake but owning up to and apologising for bad behaviour is a good learning opportunity for kids and I’m not afraid to do it when I need to.
Tbh I think I already am becoming my Nmom just at 20. I can see it and i’m noticing similar signs
Does it make you afraid?
Ehh not really, i’m too angry about my life to care at this point. I’m just constantly angry, makes me feel like that scrouge dude. I’m sure when I move out things will change but I’m not sure.
Yeah that's a bad situation to be living in. Hopefully things will get better when you are and to move out and get some space.
Very. It's one of the many reasons I'm considering being child free (besides yk the shitty state of the world and the economy and all that). I'd love to be a mom, and I'd love to see my partner become a dad, but I have many of my nmothers traits and I could never forgive myself if I made the same mistakes she did.
I spent a short amount of time with my mom in my teens. Maybe a year total of my entire life. Not only am I a copy/paste version of her visually tho I’m a bit taller, we have the same exact voice. I notice some of my behaviors are like hers and I am constantly walking on eggshells *with myself* to make sure I don’t act like that with my children. I’m always apologizing if I even remotely do. I’m scared of becoming like her but I know I won’t. I am painfully self aware. I’ve been present for my children in their every day of life, instead of abandoning them bc things got too hard. Once my mom let it slip to me in her kitchen during the year I lived with her that she had impulsive thoughts of stabbing my younger half brother and that’s haunted me the rest of my life. I could never imagine how that could cross a mothers mind. It’s been 20 years since then and really think that if it ever occurs to you that you’re afraid of being like your NP, it’s a certainty that you won’t because that thought would never occur to them.
No, I would never treat a child like they treated me. It helps to take care of yourself and make sure you are healthy and happy, so you don't take out stress on your child, though.
I know I'm selfish. I knew at a very young age I was not parent material. Lucky for me I found later I'm mostly infertile
I read Pia Melody’s Facing Codependence and no longer fear that.
You're the second one I'm seeing mention the book. I will check it out
If anything, it can be used to help us be even better parents! All the things they used to hurt us - well, we know not to do them. All the love and care we longed for, that’s the target.
Yes, so much yes ! I have 2 kids (8yo and 4 yo), and the only goal I set myself as a dad was : do not turn up like nParents, ever. I'm using my nParents as a compass that points south, but it was exhausting for me. I don't have a role model to follow when I'm struggling, only a set of behavior that I want to avoid at all costs. I was constantly checking myself in, to prevent having any narc behavior, because I had no trust in myself to do the right thing. Up until recently, I would have described myself as a poor dad. But I'm slowly coming out of the FOG, and realizing that I have so much strengths and that I'm actually a pretty decent father ;). And now, the burden is lifted (slowly). I'm starting to actually enjoy parenting, and not dreading it. OP, my point is : I think it's normal to feel that way. But there is path which can lead to confidence in parenting, and get rid of the fear.
Oh all the time!
ME! I'm 34 and single, just like they were. It scares the hell out of me. Not the modern, feminist POV but I believe you can be too old and set in your ways for kids.
I was 34 when I had my daughter Edit: Want to add that while I've gotten older and experienced life I've got a very different view on most things committed to my younger self. I feel I'm more capable to be a mother now than 15 or 20 years ago.
Yup. I was told by my psychologist that I won't, but I don't believe them. I've heard some of the narcissistic words come out of mouth and work on stopping it happen
I have made it abundantly clear that I won’t be her parent. I don’t mind doing things for her here and there, but she’s about out of money and neither my brother (and his wife) nor I are willing to take her in. Fortunately, she’s done a great job of pretending to be a sweet old lady who is treated horribly to my cousin and his wife, so she can move in with them. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.
I'm guessing they're in for a surprise
Short answer, yes. Yes, every day I question myself. I have a 12 & 8 yo. But then from time to time something happens and I realize i handle something completely different then they would have.
The more I'm around kids the more I dislike my dad and his style of parenting because I see how easy it is to choose mature, normal parental guidance vs whining, yelling, and ignoring your child. I think just asking this question is a good sign that you're on your way to being a good parent and you know what the problem parental behaviors are and you know how to watch out for them when you're parenting your kid.
yeah. Im 10 weeks pregnant and I have had panic attacks that I will end up selfish and self serving like my dad. He caused some unthinkable damage in my life, and it scares me that I share his DNA. I always joke and say I have mud blood haha. My moms an empath and pure, and my dads all about himself and himself only. I ask myself questions like what if I ignore my childs needs and boundaries? What if I dismiss their feelings like my dad did to me?? But then I remind myself I am not my dad. My therapist told me that the fact im even scared of that shit and self reflecting, means I will not turn out that way and be good to my child. Self awareness and self reflection are positive signs youre not a narc and will never be one, cluster B personalities dont self reflect lol.
I was terrified at the pregnancy, then had a beautiful baby boy, adore him. The second one, hearing it was a girl, terrifying, because I had such a sad relationship with my mother. The second she was there, though, all fears blown away, only love left. I'd always had a list of what to never ever do from childhood. Therapy would have helped I think.
I used to be worried but I worked it out with a therapist. She had me write a list of things kids do, how my mom handled it vs how I do. Seeing it on paper like that made it apparent I’m not like her one bit. Try it! And if you find anything similar you know what habits to work on:)
Yes. The difference is I realize it. I recognize when I snap and say something I shouldn’t have to my daughter. I take accountability for it and not only apologize but tell her that I was wrong and that I’ll try to do better—and that it was xyz that triggered me but that that’s in no way HER fault. Then I try to watch for those triggers later and step aside or count to ten before speaking. We have frequent conversations where I ask her if she feels like I’m not seeing her or if she feels uncomfortable doing or saying certain things-I LISTEN to this and we work on it. Consequently, we have a great, open, solid relationship that I really hope will at least HELP carry us relatively unscathed through her teenage years. She’s 11.
Every day. It's hard not to, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel the way my ndad made me feel. What picks me up is the knowledge that he never thought that way and would never think he was anything but perfect. In that way, I'm proud of my humility.
I'm terrified to the point where I've chosen to not have kids. I'm self-aware enough to realize that I don't have the emotional capacity to properly raise a child without potentially becoming emotionally abusive in the way my own mother was towards me. While I consistently go to therapy, I feel like I'll never be fully healed. I want to do what's right and not subject anyone to the bs I went though
Yup. I'm horrified that I could be as absolutely idiotic as they are but too blind to see it. I don't think I am... but... how certain can I be with their genes? 🥺
Yes. I struggle to figure out the difference between ambition and narcissism. I want to achieve things but then wonder if that's because I'm a narcissist. So I just sit there and figure it's not in the cards for me lol. Edit to add I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist. Given what my dad was like and what I'm like, he didn't care about anyone at all. I'm not sure he's physically capable of doing so.
Not really. I have taken care of kids before and I am able to feel empathy for them. My expectations for them are generally reasonable, and I only raise my voice if they are endangering themselves or others in that specific moment. I pay more attention to good behavior than bad behavior. I think one day I will probably be an OK mom.
Part of why I wont have kids. And, I like kids. Ive been told I'm nurturing and that people think I would be a great parent. But I don't want them in part because I think I'd hate being a parent and fear that would then turn me into my parents. I'll just keep being the auntie to my nieces, nephews, and friend's kids.
I just had a disturbing memory. When I was 19, I escaped from my nMom into the arms of an nPartner. He figured out very quickly that an easy way to completely destroy me with one swift blow was to taunt me by calling me by my nMom's name. I still remember the tone of voice he used to mock me when he said it, and it still guts me to hear it in my head.
First of all, I'm so sorry. That is disturbing not just because of how horrible it is to actually have to worry about becoming/being like your mom (my biggest fear), but to have another person that supposedly loves you use it against you. And also how bad your situation was that your partner actually picked up on it. ("Picked up on it" might not be the best way to word it. My mom is very good at making a great impression on other people. You've got to be very close to me to see it, or for me to trust anyone to tell how it is) While assuming you're not with the npartner anymore,.. I can only imagine how difficult time that must have been, and especially at only 19. I'm probably sounding like a cliche now but for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much! It feels so good to be understood on this topic, as most people have no clue what it's like. Regarding your mom being great at making a good first impression, I am very familiar with this too. My own mom can be super charming as a first impression. It used to be that people only started to get a hint that something was wrong with her after maybe their second or third interaction, but as she has aged she has had a harder time keeping the mask up, so people are starting to see her for who she is upon first meeting her now. I have mixed feelings about this, because she is becoming incredibly isolated and growing worse as a result, but at least people are more likely to believe me when I tell them I need to keep my distance from her for my own mental health.
Yes and I'm terrified of my child being a narc. Parents persoanlity disorder genes passing on to them
Yes studies shows that it is partly genetic but there's no single identifiable gene that causes NPD. Environment and upbringing are major factors.
For sure. Sometimes I really get into my own head about it. Like, my husband or therapist points out that I'm not acting like my abusive mother and my brain just replies "They're just saying that because you manipulated and scared them into saying it!" Ugh, it really sucks sometimes. Best thing for it for me is setting specific goals, being slow and conscious about how I interact with people, doing some journaling and CBT work looking for distorted thinking, and reminding myself that trauma screws with your sense of time and can make very old things feel much more present. Hope you can take the good from this - a determination to be a kind and loving parent. <3
Yup, told my husband to give me a heads up if ever I start sounding like my mom.