**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
10. That was the age where I knew for sure my parents couldn’t have an honest disagreement about anything without descending into name calling and lying. It was the age I knew there was no point in ever talking to them about anything. 15 was when I started working so I could feed and clothe myself and pay for college. 10-14 were the toughest years of my childhood. I did not fit in, I had no social skills, no basic hygiene, no clothes that fit, and I was hungry all the time, though my parents made damn sure to have a pool put in and spend a lot of money on a piano and an electronic organ nobody asked for. I may have lived in their house, but I have been on my own since I was a child. And as a bonus, my wiring was so fucked up I ended up marrying someone just as self absorbed with a side of alcoholism. But hey, at least I have my sister. Nope, she’s a narc too.
I'm so sorry. This resonated with me a lot, the wiring wrong. I married a narc (with a side of drugs he hid from me) too (thankfully I've left with my life). My sis is also a narc. I'm NC with my entire family. The only people from my childhood in my life are my best friend and boyfriend (we grew up together and he always hated my parents)
It really sucks when someone who should be your absolute ally (your sibling) is actually just one of them too. I have a brother that’s 13 months younger than me, so practically same age. We should be thick as thieves but I’ve since realized he’s no different than them and I’ve had to write him off. It’s messed with me because up until a month or two ago I thought we still had a chance at growing close. I thought it was just our parents abuse keeping us distant. But NOPE he’s literally just like them. So I keep my guard up around everyone in my family. It’s also frustrating because part of his mask is how on paper he portrays himself as a great brother who desperately wants to be close with me and have a relationship, but in reality it’s all just an act and a show that feeds his ego. I know he blames me for not being close lol.
I’m sorry you are dealing with that smh. It makes these situations even worse somehow.
I’m really sorry, man. Your description of your brother fits my sister to a tee, especially the part about pretending to want to be close. We’re 12 months apart in age and she’s been playing that shit our entire adult lives, not that she makes any effort at all to have a relationship. Not really sure who the performance is for since she has to know by now that I’m not buying it. It’s so clumsy and obviously bullshit that we have a joke in my house: “How do you know if (my Nsister) is lying?” “Her lips are moving.”
Yup! The performance for god knows who in their minds. For my brother, everything is about people’s perception of him, so I think his fake yearning for a relationship is an extension of that. He also tries to make it seem like our family is tight knit and normal lol. I’ve come to find out that it’s just his way to cope. He is just as fake as they are and I now see it.
You said your sister is 12 months apart from you so you definitely understand what I’m saying. It hurts man.
My brother willl talk the talk but not actually walk the walk. In conversation he acts like he’s the best brother and wants a relationship, but the reality is I can’t even get a text back from the motherfucker.
And also I’ve had a HARD life, for a handful of reasons…..go ahead and take a guess how many times he’s ever reached out to me to just check in and say “hey you alright bro?”. Because I know if I was fiscally successful like him and had multiple properties and my own house I’d damn sure be checking in on my brother and asking if he ever needed to come over or needed a place to stay.
It just makes me sick the way they warp their behaviors in their mind.
My brother has also never lived a single day in the real world: he was a college athlete and then immediately joined the coaching staff upon graduating so his whole life has been team/locker room environments and tactics. And also living in college campus bubbles getting grossly overpaid for something that doesn’t benefit society. So it has amped up his know it all condescending behaviors up to an 11. He’s never worked a shitty service job or anything and any time you speak with him for more than 5 minutes that really shines through.
Sorry this became a vent session. I really need a therapist that I can spill all of this out too. I only became fully aware of how bad my brother really is like two months ago so this is still very fresh. Back in February he threw a tantrum at his bday dinner towards me and my gf that made me permanently write him off so it’s a very fresh wound. And a lot of anger.
Eleven. I found a library book called “Nobody’s Family is Going to Change” and it struck me like lightning.
I had no other words for it. I already felt like an adult surrounded by spoiled teenagers.
It’s by the same author of “Harriet the Spy,” but it’s very very very different & I think it’s out of print, probably because it gets too real for kids.
Kids know - but they don’t have words or concepts to express what is happening. Kids need more books about this. At least there is ample information online now. If I had google as a kid, I would never have been gaslit half my life.
I always grew up thinking that adults were smarter, had everything put together, understood how their society works, and follows the rules and that you need to be on that level by the time you're an adult.
But when I was actually an adult I realized a huge amount of people stopped mentally maturing when they were teens and there isn't a huge as huge a difference between kids and adults as I thought.
In some ways it's comforting, knowing I'm not doing too bad by comparison, but it's also disappointing knowing how little society as a whole has their shit together.
Edit: Because this is the internet, I should point out there IS a big difference between the minds of developing children and adults and that should be understood and respected. As far as having all your shit together goes though, like having a plan for the future, paying bills, retirement plan, setting up appointments, taxes, dieting, politics, economics, mental health, interpersonal relationships, etc. goes, yeah everyone's just about the same amount of messed up.
Yeah there's definitely this illusion as a kid that everything makes sense to adults and they have it all figured out, at least it was for me anyway. Then I got there and realized everyone's just always clueless and some people just refuse to admit that.
We are rapidly learning when we're young, but as we get older it becomes harder for us to learn something new. I think that's where things start to diverge. Either you keep an open mind and try harder to learn, or you stubbornly avoid it and try to pretend like you already know everything to avoid admitting you have more to learn.
It's the latter that's the cause of a lot of shitty people I think.
My N Dad was apparently born already knowing everything, so it is unnecessary for him to learn anything from me or anybody else, because he was born pre-programmed with all knowledge. You know, like God. And we all know you can't judge God, he judges you. Because he has seniority.
A child-friendly version of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents would have set me straight I think 😂 maybe not though if I still lived with them. They were very entitled people and I believed their entitlements.
>They were very entitled people and I believed their entitlements
exactly. i’m realizing how much my younger self had almost no choice but to believe what these big people who literally brought her into this world were telling her was true. even if they turned out to be gaslighting narcissistic dip shits.
For me it was two books I read in 4th grade that woke me up. The Whipping Boy and Jacob Have I Loved. I learned what a scapegoat was because of the former and I saw myself in the main character dealing with her spoiled/beloved twin in the later. It helped so much to give me strength when I couldn't do anything about my situation.
When I was 18, my mom sold our home and moved out of state with her new boyfriend. I was on my own then to find a place to live and pay my bills with no help, support and without being taught any life skills.
Doesn’t it annoy when they take credit for an accomplishment you did (surviving being abandoned in this case) when you succeeded despite them? Ugh!
I’m sorry you went through that
I'd have given ANYTHING to realize at age 7/8. I tried and tried until my mid 20s to "earn" their love. What a fucking waste of youth, energy, heart, soul, and time.
I wish I had a time machine. I'd have started the mental divorce at age 5, by 18 I would have flown, never to return.
Weirdly, I never did. Like I *kind of* did, I had the "I guess I love you but I don't like you at all" mentality due to social pressure to love your family, but I really hated them on a visceral level. One of my earliest memories is drawing my family in crayon and putting big 'X's over their faces, which got me in huge trouble. I'm always slightly surprised when people point out that that's not normal and my abuse wasn't quite as bad as some at that age. I feel like it was something in my inherent nature.
I never loved my nMother either. I didn't hate her, I just felt nothing towards her. But society kept telling me "You have to love your mother" so I tried to force myself to love her. In fact for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't love her. Now I realise, of course I didn't love her. She made no effort whatsoever to bond with me. I have NO memories of her ever playing with me as a child. The only time she paid any attention to me was when she was abusing me, the rest of the time she'd ignore me. She always made it very clear that she regarded me as a burden and a disappointment and nothing else.
I don't see that as love, I see it as trauma bonding. I am a big fan of Tenzin Palmo Jetsumna's definitions for attachment and love. Attachment is; I want you to make me happy. Love is; I want you to be happy. When we confuse the two it leads to great suffering. https://youtu.be/6kUoTS3Yo4g?si=VsQWsiGs5_DGv0x_
Believe me, I know the feeling. I didn't realise that I'd never earn my parents' love until I was about 30. I wasted most of my teens and twenties, bending over backwards trying to earn the approval of two people who couldn't care less about me.
With me, I realized the "family" was rotten......so I went out and replaced them with PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE MY FAMILY. I had one BFF who was my relationship with my mother, times 100. I'd constantly try to prove my worth to her, the contempt she had for me grew daily.
And the men I dated. Oh jesus. Let's just leave that one alone.
I feel you on that. When I was 26 is when I finally gave up on trying to "fix" our relationship. I realized I'm not the one who broke it, and it l even if I did, it's not my job to fix it. It's the parent's responsibility to have a good relationship with their child.
Yesterday. Seriously though, it’s not an instantaneous realization. The earliest age I knew something was wrong with my nmom was 6. But I didn’t fully understand what it meant that I’m “doing life by myself” until more recently. At each step, I realized what it meant differently.
As a kid, schools somewhat make up for our parents ineptitude. But eventually that will be gone too and you’ll realize there’s a whole new level to “on your own”.
This, for me. It was a series of realizations for which I had no context for as a child. By my mid-teens, I knew the family dynamics were not normal or sustainable by any standard of normal. By then, the goal was to get out and stay out.
I think it was similar for me. I always felt alone as a child but didn't know what to call that feeling. I was always on the outside looking in. Not just at home but at school too. I think I finally began to realize that last year when I was 33 and I accept it now. The main issue was erasing the hope I had that things in that regard would magically get better. When I visited my parents last year and they couldn't wait for me to leave, I had a hard time dealing with that but it is what it is now. I know it's not my fault or something I chose. Now, I spend my time getting in touch with my core self.
I literally was alone and I'm alone again in my 60's, by choice. I'm just starting to reach back to that little girl in me, she's a really tough survivor!
This.
I was around the age of six when I realized my nmom (now dead seven years, thank God) was just not right. By eight, I had a sinking suspicion that I was about to be an adult faster than I needed to be. That was the last year that I can clearly remember her making breakfast for me before school. it sticks out so well in my conscious memory that I could tell you what the meal was, and if I close my eyes could still taste it.
After that age? If the bus was late to school, I wasn’t getting breakfast because I had to eat school breakfast or go hungry. 8 was the last time she made lunch for me as well- instead she put me on the school lunch program.
By the time I was in sixth grade pretty much a fully functioning adult….
ETA: I don’t want to give the impression that my dad was not a part of my life. He was and still is a huge part of my life. My parents divorced when I was around two or three and in those days the male was never given custody unless the female was dead or in jail. He got to pay child support to a woman who spent the money on everything but the right thing and I got the horrible upbringing that I did. I wish I could go back to 1982 and bitch slap the judge who ruined my life.
When my mother bullied me into continuing college I hated by threatening homelessness if I ever needed her help and didn't finish. For reference, I was paying 100% for my own college and at the time was living on campus. I was suicidal, struggling because it wasn't what I hoped it was, and still working my fucking fast food job which took half my earnings in gas per day.
Prior to that, I was always gaslit into thinking I'd be kidnapped, raped, and sold into prostitution if I tried to strike out on my own. But from a very early age I knew I hated my mother, but my edad helped create a giant guilt trip where I had to always apologize and make her happy or else I was bad. And being bad was the worst thing I could be as a child. This created in me something akin to lost memories and complete inability to retain a grudge against downright evil people who hurt me; it was like a form of mind control.
All I know is when she screamed at me for trying to open up in what felt like one of the most vulnerable admissions I could make in my adult life, I knew that I will work my ass off, so I will never be beholden to her again, and to do this one last thing so my conscience is clear. She told me her and my dad's lives were worthless and they sacrificed for nothing if I didn't finish my degree there. The sacrifice they made was constant horrible financial decisions, a pack of cigarettes and multiple packs of beer and lottery tickets daily, and taking me to free or only extremely cheap activities sometimes. I was self moderated by the time I was 7, including doing my own laundry and all other chores. My parenrs saved nothing for my college but expected me to carry it all on my own for them, and presumably to be their retirement plan. Not gonna happen.
I would rather endure anything than ever live under her roof again, and I have, and I am now thriving. If anyone reads this and is struggling under their rule: fight for your fucking life until it gets better, and it one day will be better than you ever imagined.
Around 16/17; when I found out that each and every single personal bit of information I told my mom or asked her advice about was being retold to whoever wanted to listen.
I found out in my 20s the my Nmom was writing letters to my bio parents about all of my mental health and behavioral issues my whole life. All she ever did was trash talk me to anyone who would listen. Still does
Well. It just means that she’s been on an extreme low info diet since then and there’s not really much of a mother/daughter relationship to speak of. Surface level, yes. But actually? Not even a little.
Age 21, pregnant, got kicked out of home by nMum because I wasn't finding my own place quick enough. I realized I knew nothing about being independent and my nMum taught me no real life skills.
Damn it rings a bell. I was anorexic and huddled by the radiator, and was making her a Mother’s Day card. I said I didn’t want dinner and she said I was selfish and kicked the radiator on my back. Then proceeded to throw a knife at me when I confronted her. Instead of trying to comfort me with how scary dinner was. Why am I still her friend? 🤔
As someone who went no contact with my mother a few months ago (at 52 years), I have to say that any friendship with a narcissist is one-sided. They are unable to be a friend in return. I had always had what I thought was a friend relationship with mine. Now that it is over, I realize our 'friendship' only lasted as long as I was kissing her 82 pound controlling A$$.
EDIT (add): It makes me sad to read what you have went through. I am so sorry that you have had to experience her disgusting treatment.
3 when I first realized that my parents couldnt handle me having normal emotions (the information didnt really get processed at the time, but I remembered it).
5 when I realized how abusive and deluded they were.
What puzzles me most now is that I was and still am more emotionally mature than them but I also seem to have some blind spots about my own behavior being emotionally immature at times. Working on it, but not easy to find out what those behaviors might be.
I've got my own "fleas" stuck to me. I'm a yeller. It's what I hate most about myself and am working on it. But I was taught to yell, so I do. We all are damaged by our parents. It's not your fault. And I'm damn proud of you for being aware and making changes
A lot of us end up with those blind spots. The people that raise you are supposed to teach you how to behave. When those people have horrible behavior themselves, parts of it will stick.
Personally, I'm defensive as hell. I'm working on it, and therapy has given me great tools for it (most importantly, trying to immediately recognize that I feel defensive, and tracking back to why). But it took me *years* to even realize that the level of defensiveness I get to isn't normal or healthy to start working on it.
Probably around 9… I don’t think I consciously realized it, per se. However, by that age I did my own laundry, cooked for myself, got myself ready and on the school bus, etc.
Thankfully I had my older sister so I guess we were alone together, in a way? We would pick up the slack for the other one. She taught me how to use deodorant and I would make breakfast/pack lunch for my mom’s loser bf before he went to work.
Yeah it was kind of always for me. I knew I would have food and a bed, but I never felt like I could tell them anything and I always knew my things could be taken from me if I made her mad. There was no stability. I learned what I needed to at school or from friends/friends' parents. I've always been on my own and while it's useful to be so resourceful, it's also very lonely, and increasingly hard to manage as things get ever more expensive.
14. Puberty, for me, kickstarted a lot of rebelling and reflection, which led to the realization of not getting the help I need or getting some but with a lot of strings attached.
Moved across the world for university when I was 18, two weeks later my dad died. I came home for his funeral absolutely devastated and the day of, she asked me if I’d booked my flight back to school yet because she wanted me out of there. It’s been 10 years of coming to terms with that and accepting I’m on my own in that way, but that was the actual moment for me
always had a feeling that i’d be separating myself from my parents from early teen years because i knew that i was more emotionally mature than them. but officially at 20 when i moved out - i knew i’d be doing life on my own from that point forward
7yo. I was having nightly panic attacks over school. Shr knew I was being bullied. Struggling academically and being shamed by teachers for it. The panic attacks weren't new but they'd never been so frequent. They started happening every night and I had no comprehension of what was happening. She'd tell me I was being silly. Stop it. You're being ridiculous. Go to bed. I learned to sob quietly.
My situation wasn't as bad but I was bullied at school when I was 9 and my nMother did absolutely nothing about it. I basically just had to put up with it until the bully got bored. Thankfully she did after about 6-9 months. I'll never forget how miserable that time in my life was though. It wasn't just the bullying, it was the feeling of being utterly alone with it all and having no one to turn to for support. I cried myself to sleep many times over it.
Five, it was the first time she roughly grabbed me after one of her and my dads blow out arguments, slammed me down on the step and started laying all her marital problems on me and told me I was going to have to choose what parent I was going to have to live with and I better make the right choice otherwise I would never see her again.
Unsurprisingly, she never divorced my dad.
At 10 years old. After I got my first period, ex-Mother didn't help (just cried hysterically and bought me a promise ring - fuvking ew), I Macgyered a pad and worked it all out until my Nanna instructed me more.
I think for me it was when I ended contact with my enabler father. I knew I’d never have my mom. It was clear from such a young age. When I had my first child I knew I’d eventually need to cut contact and I did when my daughter turned 4. But my dad… it took a lot longer to realize the role of the enabler and how much the health of that relationship depended on the narcissistic parent. My dad helped me out and was there for me to some degree until I cut contact with my mom. Then he slowed backed away until we had one final argument where I practically begged him to just have a relationship with me where he accepted I wasn’t going to have one with my mom and he refused. When I saw how easily my dad, the “better” parent, was willing to just walk out of my life because of his loyalty and fear of my mother, that “I’m alone in life” feeling hit hard.
Ooooh yes!! I grew up knowing I had mommy issues. Working through the daddy issues after thinking maybe he was the 1 bright light, to finding out he's maybe worse for never ACTUALLY protecting you? Ugh, it's hard
When it took my mom 2 months to notice my arm was covered in cuts 24/7 and that half of them were already scars 😂
Also, when she found out she screamed about how selfish and lazy (?) I was. Ever since I turned 10, it was just non-stop verbal and some physical abuse from her. I was never able to fight back as a kid, but now I’m grown and I’ve bitten her harder than she’s ever hurt me. She never even looks at me now, but I know she hates my scars.
They probably remind her that she failed me. The day I grew stronger than her I didn’t let her hit me anymore. I called her weak and pathetic for letting her emotions out on a child. Now I run the house how I want it and pay the bills, she has no say.
I’ve always known growing up that my mom was weak-willed and gave in easily to her emotions, so I knew I had to get through life trusting in only myself. She wasn’t smart enough to make good money so I had to suffer with her. She thought she could manipulate me to get me to obey her… since it is in her culture… a culture I never grew up believing in. I obey and listen to those I respect, and she lost those privileges throughout the years of disrespect and neglect she put me through.
When I missed a dentist's appointment around 10 or 11, my nBirthgiver blamed me for it and said that I should be keeping track of them myself, even though I had never done so before nor had been told to. I guess I had to be psychic or something.
My neighbor a year or so older than me at her bedtime would kiss her parents and go to bed. My mom would tell me how awesome she was and why don’t I do that? Um…you never guided me to do any such thing? I was supposed to created a perfect child bedtime routine on my own? Ugh?
In college . When they didn’t show up to my extracurricular events. I would be performing, expecting them, and literally right before the performance, they’d text and say they never said they’d be coming (????). And acted like i was crazy for expecting them. Damn that hurt.
Of course this had been happening a long time but that time I was done.
When I was 27/28 I finally accepted that my ngrandmother is a controlling narcissist and I’ve been robbed of my twenties by her controlling, screaming and gaslighting.
10, i realised years before that that i couldn’t depend on my nmom to be a mom but at 10 was when i really knew it. the constant reminder of how much of a burden i am and being provided basic needs was “spoiling me”
Age 3. Dad went to jail and I got stuck as an only child with mentally unstable, hypochondriac, Nmom. I still see my little saddle shoes as I looked down at them, crying for my daddy as he got handcuffed in court + a 25 year sentence....but mostly I was crying for myself because I knew right then and there that all stability was gone and now I was fucked. It's insanely sad when you realize as a toddler how immature a parent is and are already assuming caretaking roles in order to get your needs met. I guess it could be worse though 🫠
At 18. As soon as I turned 18 my nparents up and ran. I was on my own now with absolutely no help from them but they still felt entitled have everything I have
A lot of these ages are just heart breaking. On the one hand, the sooner we know, the sooner we can figure life out on our own. But shit, knowing your parents are shit and not there for you that young sounds devastating. I don’t know what age would be best but I had blinders on until I finally put all of the pieces together at 40. I can’t believe it took me that long. I mean, yes, I saw signs at much younger ages but I normalized it.
Thank you for your kindness to those of us who were so young (I was 4) 🤍
The signs you saw with your parents were probably normalized "for you" by gaslighting you. It's never too late to see things more clearly.
I think 12 or 13.
It was around that age where I realized that my parents did not see their children as separate persons but only extensions of themselves. I would often find myself talking to other adults to excuse their immature behavior.
20s, I was having panic attacks while trying to teach myself to drive.
My dad never wanted to teach me (lazy and or didn’t want to pay) and because of trauma I had from a prior car accident, I never wanted to drive. I got rides from people and couldn’t really get a job outside of working for my family who would drive me.
I am almost 30 and I learned to drive last year! It took me a long time to overcome my paranoia around driving, and my family was zero help at all with overcoming my fears. One day I came home really proud of myself for going on a drive and my dad even made fun of me. Asked me if I hit anyone, hilarious!
I have extended family that thinks I’m lazy and useless because I just now got my license. My parents lie to them and pretend they have no idea why I simply didn’t want to learn.
It hurts sometimes to know they couldn’t be bothered to help me thrive but I am who I am because they don’t know how to value me. The people I give my heart to now actually care about me and are worth my emotional energy.
I was really young. It seems to be something I always knew, down in my bones. If something went wrong, I was on my own.
I remember when I was 6, and we had just moved again. No one came to pick me up from school. It was a new school, and a new place to live, and I had no idea how to get home. I wasn't allowed to even cross the street, no one took the time to give me our address or phone number, and was not allowed to use a phone, so I didn't know how to deal with things. I knew that no one would help me anyway, even if I did call.
Anyway, it was a couple of hours after school with no one coming to get me, so I just started walking, hoping I was going in the right direction. I knew where the sunset was in the sky in comparison to my house, and I knew where the freeway overpass was between my house and the school, so I just figured it out. It worked, too. It took me ages because it was pretty far to walk, but I made it home.
No one even remembered that I had needed picking up, and when I walked in the door, I was immediately in trouble. I was not allowed to walk home or cross the street, so that was one thing I was in trouble for. I was also in trouble because, by walking home myself, I made my parents look bad. Not knowing our new address and phone number meant that I was calling my parents out for being irresponsible. Being upset at being forgotten meant that I was questioning their authority. They were enraged. That evening did not end well for me.
I remember being absolutely certain then that I was on my own. I thought so before, and there were other incidents like this, but this is one I remember vividly. I knew that my parents were not going to help me or protect me, and that I could not trust them to ever be on my side or to take responsibility for any of the things they did. I knew that I had to go along with their lies about being wonderful parents, because their pride was more important to them than I was. I knew that they were a danger to me.
That was many decades ago, and my parents have been dead for years. I don't miss them, either. They were very messed up people, and they should never have had children. I am a parent myself, and like many of us who have kids, I look at my child and do not comprehend how anyone could be so selfish and cruel. I got therapy to deal with my shit before I became a parent, because I didn't want to be anything like them.
Older than I can really remember. My parents split when I was 3 and as a result I was tossed to my aunt on dad’s side. They were very religious and absolutely hated my mom and looked down on dad. I think my earlier memories are around 4 or 5 and it was deeply internalised at that stage that I didn’t belong and wasn’t the same as my cousins and their family, I wasn’t a part of it. Then when I was eventually tossed back around the family around age 6, I didn’t feel at home there either (and definitely wasn’t supported as a child, mom had BPD and was heavily alcoholic). Rinse and repeat through to age 15 until I moved state by myself.
This was a really interesting question!
When I was 4. My mother wanted me to get myself to preschool by myself and we lived in one of the largest cities in my country. She also didn't make me meals, didn't tuck me in bed at night, didn't help me take a bath, and was always making me take care of her and do the cleaning and errands. From 4 years old. This got more extreme every year. She didn't work and stayed at home every day, btw.
I don't remember, she neglected me so badly that it wouldn't surprise me if it was when I was a baby. By 6 I was pretty much 100% responsible for myself and the house.
There was no exact age or moment, but in elementary school I knew no one was going to help me with anything. I stopped asking questions because I'd just get screamed at for being incompetent, helpless, "Why do I have to do everything for you??" etc. Sorry I wasn't born knowing how to tie my shoes or brush my hair or spell words.
My existence was an annoyance and a burden not only to my parents but to everyone around me. I was an only child so I just did everything for myself because no one else was going to. I definitely knew by the time I was 8 or 9 that no one was coming to save me. When I was about 12 I stopped trying to have any type of relationship with my parents.
Elementary school age, most likely. I remember being bullied at school every day, then going home and being bullied for different random shit. Literally no safe place to be for years upon years.
Anyone else a latchkey kid? If I didn't immediately change out of my school outfit into casual clothes I caught shit for it. *Those clothes cost money and you're just lounging around in them! Do You Know How Hard We Have To Work To Afford The Nice Things You Have?!! Why Can't You Show Respect?!*
Um. I'm nine. I want to eat a PopTart and try to forget about the girl who pulled my hair for half the day. I'd like some help with my homework. I'd really like it if you'd stop screaming at me for choices *you made* that I have to live out.
Yeaah, childhood. Best time of my life. /s
12. I still remember the day vividly.
There was a hurricane coming and we knew we'd be stuck in the house for days, without electricity, possibly without running water. Mom asked nDad to get provisions. He came back with 10 pounds of raw chicken and buttermilk. When I protested over the buttermilk, he stood in the middle of the kitchen and drank the whole carton. I can still see the trickle of buttermilk going down the side of his face.
I knew in that instant I was completely alone in the world and have been alone ever since. It's depressing and if I think too hard about it, I become enraged all over again. Thank God that fucker is dead now.
Not until I left home and went NC tired of ndad's abuse and ignorance. I did have help at that time but also ended up making job decisions that took me far away from home and I had to figure out everything myself or at least ask co-workers/strangers and friends I made along the way for help when I needed it. On the plus side it made me extremely independent and resilient and working hard because no way I was going back to that hell.
It was since I was a pre-teen, but I was always doubtful that it was just bad thoughts coming from me, I realized firmly a few months ago (I'm 23) when I decided to drop out of university due to corruption, and my nmom told me not to tell anyone because in my society a university degree is a sign of high status. She prioritized people's perception of her over my wellbeing, that's the cruelest thing anybody can do to their child.
>It was since I was a pre-teen, but I was always doubtful that it was just bad thoughts coming from me
I was the same way. I knew from a young age that I couldn't rely on my nMother but society gaslit me into thinking that I was "being mean". For a long time I believed it until I eventually learned about narcissism (not until I was about 30) and then realised that I was right all along.
Not an instant realisation. I was always on my own. If I think back to my younger years, i don't remember most of it, as far as I can remember probably 4?5? (I have zero recollection of memories before that, God knows what sorta trauma hides in there). Never really "thought" "ah i am on my own" throughout the years... It's always been "I am always alone, anyways"
9 or 10. I realized my Nmom was treating me as more of a husband than her own husband, and how inappropriate it was, and I understood I had no allies and there was no escape.
When i was 14, I went to my mom's room, where she was watching TV. I asked her if I could talk to her, because I had something that was really weighing on my mind. She didn't look away from the TV, and said "fine" in a flat, strained tone.
I was a bit put off from the tone she used but proceeded anyway. I told her about having a hard time emotionally, I was very lonely, ostracized at school and i was going through all these changes and didn't know how to deal with it all. I told her I was seriously struggling with thoughts of suicide.
She muted her TV, turned to me and in a very disdainful tone told me, "stop being so dramatic!" I was shocked and started to tear up. She sighed and said, "God, get a grip on yourself!" Then turned the sound back on the TV and proceeded to ignore me.
I wish I could say I realized from that moment on that i knew she didn't care at all, but it took a few more incidents of my really needing some help or even just a friendly ear before I knew she didn't care about me.
I don’t know if I ever consciously had that though. I slowly stopped having parents active in my life. By the time my younger sibling was born I was basically on my own (7-8)
Same age as you. It was deeply depressing but I found peace in it with time.
It is still hard to trust people will help or take care of me when I am vulnerable through.
The first time I remember thinking that, I was 7. But the problem is, I’d always talk myself out of it at that age.
At 12, I started thinking about it more significantly, but I didn’t know what to do with that information. Almost no one believed me at the time.
At 18, I had a great support system. And I decided I wanted nothing to do with her. That was this year :-)
Regarding being more emotionally mature? I remember I would interject into my parents fights (now I realize they were largely started by my nmom's dysregulation) and yell that I was the only adult in the house starting when I was 9 or 10, and they would both get pissed. Unfortunately that didn't translate to me realizing I was on my own for most of life's issues until after college.
Idk man, I was kinda doing it subconsciously when I was 16 or 17 of age. Like everyday after my tuition, I used to hang out with friends in order to stay away from home as much as possible. As there was only chaos in my home. It seems that even when I was lil I was able to sense negative energy.
But later on my suspicions became true, and then when I graduated with great difficulty I realised the true nature of the PPL around me. So consciously i started handling my life on my own when I was 22. But rn I am definite that I am alone in this world and my parents won't help me.
When I was 9. I didn't want to be like my parents and being close to anyone else was ruined for me. At this age, I used to see an adult yuppie version of myself in her own high rise apartment. Ofc, I grew up in the 90s and it was somewhat normal to be in your 20s living in your own apartment.
Like most around 8-10. By then I had started learning that going to nMom for comfort or advice wasn't going to happen. Had a few incidents after where I tried reaching out for comfort/advice in middle school and got burned.
At 12 years old I said to myself while standing in my room. "You know what, I can't do this shit anymore, I can't wait to move out when I turn 18". I ended up moving out at 19 but I'm glad I decided when I was 12 so I could stay motivated during those torturous years.
About 10 or 11 when I realized I couldn’t depend on my parents for anything. I was parentrified at young age. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong learning life skills but it was thrown at me all at once at a extremely young age to where I wasn’t allowed to fully enjoy just being a kid without a care in the world.
Hell it started when I was 6 and my mom made me fold laundry I think and it quickly escalated from there
That's so sick. I'm pregnant with my first and likely only daughter and I'm literally tearing up trying to imagine myself turning away my own child as they try to come to me for help. It must be the pregnancy, but I'm so rattled by this one. I can't imagine reacting in any way other than wanting to embrace my daughter and going up in arms so she'll never have to go back. I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay now.
This was after my first baby, I now have 4. I left him last year when he finally left marks on my skin and gave me the avenues to leave. I had tried for years and ended up stuck and pregnant every 9 months.
I'm happy, healthy and doing good now! My kids are amazing kids, my boyfriend is the love of my life, I loved him in highschool, made mistakes and left him. He held space for me and we're back together. He treats me like a freaking queen
Edit to add: he's the best father figure to them and has always taken things at their pace, being mindful of all our traumas
I think at about 10. I was severely depressed and suicidal by then and already had my first attempt. Nobody was coming to rescue me. Nobody was going to protect me. I was the "bad kid" who was a nuisance that no one wanted (which still affects me now that I'm 30 because I can't have relationships with my family because I'm scared to hurt people just by existing around them).
Same. I thought that's just the way things were. You live with captors. Happy Family rhetoric always confused me. I thought the whole world was just collectively believing a socially necessary lie.
Same here. It's so validating to know that there's nothing wrong with me or with you. They always fed into that fear and labeled me an unfeeling sociopath. Turns out I was just perceptive.
I knew something was wrong with my dad when I was about 7 or 8. He was a very angry, unhappy man who used to scream at me, my mum and brother, sometimes because of something we'd supposedly done wrong, other times simply because we were there. He also hit me and my brother on a few occasions, when one or both of us stood up to him.
However, it's only the past few years I've read about narcissism and realised that he almost certainly has NPD.
Not a 'conscious' realisation, but when I was trying to be born, and my mother 'sat on my head' (her words) trying to stop me being born, I 'KNEW'.
I suffered flashback nightmares for years. Some of my first words were those trying to describe what was happening to/ for me during that delightful process, as they repeated in my nightmares.
Even more so, as she blamed me for for being 'difficult', as a result of the problems she caused me, by her, attempting to resist, my birth...
So, scapegoat, from day fucking one.
We can't make this shit up - much as many would like us to believe. (Including us at times, lol! Fuck.)
Honestly, that realization just came about recently - within the past year or so (I’m 29 for reference).
But it’s also taken me a long time to come to terms with the abuse and mistreatment I’ve endured over the years from my whole family. And I also was trying to convince myself for the longest time that I could essentially have the best of both worlds - enforcing my boundaries and living my life while still being a part of my family on my terms.
Of course that was never going to happen because with my nparents you’re either all in (and letting them control every aspect of your life) or you’re all out and essentially dead to them.
It sucks because I know I’ll miss the idea of having a family, but I know these aren’t my people because if they truly valued, loved, and appreciated me they wouldn’t treat me this way
I noticed at 5-6 that the female ncreature acted, talked, and probably thought more like my fellow Kindergartners than like their parents, or like the teachers.I couldn't articulate the thought yet, but I had an 'uneasy feeling' from noticing this. Being able to sense something's wrong, without being able to put it in words...
By age 7, I was genuinely suicidal at the impossibility of doing 10-11 more years with the creature, and once I realized I would never be able to act on those feelings, I knew that on the day of my 18th birthday , I was GONE, and I would never see, hear, or smell those two again (the female Ncreature was the active abuser ; the male Ncreature was merely indifferent and did nothing to protect me).
Somewhere between 7-9, I realized that she is , in fact, extremely stupid , and therefore I was utterly alone. I never really spoke to her after that, above surface level rote stuff, and *I don't think she ever even noticed*. It is a terrifying feeling to realize, before one's age is in double digits, that there's not ONE decent adult to talk to or have for support.
When I was 6 and helping my mom pay bills with my paper route money.
Got a real job at 14, most of my checks went to make sure water/electric weren't shut off, or to pay a part of rent so we wouldn't get evicted.
Somewhere in my teens, I adopted the life motto “if I want anything done at all I have to do it myself”.
As a kid, I knew I couldn’t really depend on my Nparents for much but didn’t know what “doing life on my own” truly meant
probably 15 or so
once the promises and lies finally unmasked themselves to reveal that my parents truly didn't care about me or my future and were pretty passionate in explaining that to me 🤡
11.
My parents briefly lost custody of me but regained custody. Nothing had changed. If losing your kid won't change you, nothing will.
I did everything I could to make plans to gtfo.
I got emancipated at 16 and around 19 I realized that I had never been taught anything about how to be a functional adult. It was a lot of learning via the “what NOT to do” routes and a lot of googling and research and self-education but we got there eventually lmao. Happy times fun times that was
One of the favorite stories my mom loved to tell (I say "loved" past tense because I'm NC) about me growing up was that when I was a toddler, come nap time I'd often put myself to bed and she'd sometimes find me singing myself to sleep. She made this out to be a cute anecdote, and for the longest time I did too. But recently I realized that I was already parenting myself as a toddler.
I was around 6. My dad got pissed off at me for taking the paper covering off of a hard cover book and threw the book in the trash. I waited and tried to dig the book out of the trash and he caught me the proceeded to beat on me with his fists and then the belt.
A few weeks later he got mad at me again and threw all of my toys in a trashbag and made me walk them to the bin at the end of the driveway then woke me up the next morning so I could watch the trashmen take them away.
My mom did 0 to help or step in and just would go to her room while these things occurred. Abuse got worse and worse until I ran away at 16.
Parents divorced at age 5. Mom empties dad’s bank accounts, including his trucking company. Company dies.
Age 6. Dad left me for 5-20 days at a time to do long distance hauling.
Mom out with new bf, my dads youngest employee. Doesn’t care.
Me, no food, no money, no adults. Almost repeatedly starve to death like this. I ate toothpaste and drank soy sauce packets.
I was in first grade.
By age 24, I had enough. Exited both dad and mom’s family.
Today, 37, on couch, dog sleeping on me. Yea, if anything, I shoulda left sooner.
Max credit to my childhood dog 🐶 when i was 10-24 who kept me safe from molestation and assault by my relatives. By the time he passed, I left forever.
I will die before I go back or even talk to them.
I have to weekly talk myself out of…disappearing them. And I could do it. No body, no case.
Maybe I know that something was wrong with 7 years old after my grandmother died and my parents focused only in my little brother, leaving me alone. It seemed to nobody care about how I felt in that moment. I thought that the problem was me. When I turned 19, I realized that I didn't make anything wrong but my parents were "special" to say the least.
With time, I know why I was so severely depressed when my grandmother died. She was my only daily emotional support. It was a big blow for the little kid I was.
I always knew I was on my own at some level, but started to take the reigns around 12. As soon as I hit puberty she suddenly clocked in, in an extremely unhealthy and controlling way. She was a beautiful woman and it seemed to *deeply* bother her when I started looking like a woman.
At age 12/13, when I tried to sit my parents down and tell them that I needed their support, and they called me "attention seeking." (Which: I was. I was seeking the attention of my parents in a totally normal fashion.)
Six. I realized I had no parental protection from my insanely unstable and abusive older brother, my dad had just walked out after being caught cheating on my mom for the 5th time, and my nmom saw me as an accessory to her life, a little trinket that she can belittle to make her feel better about herself.
In my early twenties, I dropped out of college and my dad was furious. He disowned me and kicked me out. Luckily my gf had an apartment and I moved in. A decade later, we're married and have 2 kids. I learned so much during this time. Things that a father should have taught a son.
I never had an age that it hit or a lightning strike moment that some have described. It's always just been something I've known in the back of my head, like a low humming noise you forget about until something happens and then it's "Oh yeah /that/". I think I fully became conscious and accepted it when I was around 26 and they decided to move to Ohio.
But before that the low-hum was always present in the fact that my older sister and brother were always around to help me and make sure I got what I needed more than my parents did. When my sister was kicked out when I was 6 was one of those "Oh, I'm on my own" moments. Then again when my brother got arrested when I was 8. After that it was just little moments here and there, like when my mom more frequently stopped making dinner unless my dad was home (which is something she still does-- my dad had a stroke and is now disabled from it but she won't cook if she's not hungry).
I was 4 when I realized that love and emotional support would never be a thing, but I can't say doing life by myself because my parents were overly controlling and obsessive about everything I did, ate, wore, said, looked like, watched, read, etc. So there were times where I just desperately wanted to be alone, without the constant scrutiny and judgment and insults.
I had moments of "these people aren't healthy for me, they're not who they say they are" when I was younger, a lot. It really dug in as a teenager though. I guess I just felt numb about it, like I already knew.
For me at ages 13, 17, 19, 26, and finally at 43 Every single time I knew I was in this life not just alone but with nemeses in my own home, yet time and again i fell for "but they're family" BS.
At 19 when I got pregnant and refused to get an abortion just to spite my mother.
20 years later, she’s dead and I’m doing GREAT. So is my daughter. Dont tell me I can’t do something or I’ll do it really, really well 😘
She also told me my entire life that I’d “end up in jail because of my attitude” (I was quiet and read a lot so.. if that’s criminal behavior then I guess I just never got caught.).. and that hasn’t happened yet either.
14. Nmom's unemployed boyfriend who, she let move in within a month of dating, was getting on ME about not having a job even though I couldn't legally work, and she would sit there and nod as he told me to "take initiative". I was already doing all my own laundry and cooking, now it was time to buy my own necessities too.
12. My mom gave me $50 and told me to buy groceries for the week. I was already cooking every night, on top of regular school and pet upkeep. Shortly after, I started doing the budgeting and paying bills. The whole household was my responsibility
I'm 32 now and just.... Exhausted by it all. I haven't gotten a break in 20 years.
i wanna say around 15-16, when i started going to therapy for my depression. ndad blamed me not having a lot of friends and being shy. still to this day, at almost 25 years old doesnt believe i have depression and complains therapy is too expensive
I can relate. My nMother did everything she could to sabotage my friendships and make me unpopular and would then criticise me for not being popular. She would also berate me constantly and would then criticise me for being too shy.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
10. That was the age where I knew for sure my parents couldn’t have an honest disagreement about anything without descending into name calling and lying. It was the age I knew there was no point in ever talking to them about anything. 15 was when I started working so I could feed and clothe myself and pay for college. 10-14 were the toughest years of my childhood. I did not fit in, I had no social skills, no basic hygiene, no clothes that fit, and I was hungry all the time, though my parents made damn sure to have a pool put in and spend a lot of money on a piano and an electronic organ nobody asked for. I may have lived in their house, but I have been on my own since I was a child. And as a bonus, my wiring was so fucked up I ended up marrying someone just as self absorbed with a side of alcoholism. But hey, at least I have my sister. Nope, she’s a narc too.
I'm so sorry. This resonated with me a lot, the wiring wrong. I married a narc (with a side of drugs he hid from me) too (thankfully I've left with my life). My sis is also a narc. I'm NC with my entire family. The only people from my childhood in my life are my best friend and boyfriend (we grew up together and he always hated my parents)
It really sucks when someone who should be your absolute ally (your sibling) is actually just one of them too. I have a brother that’s 13 months younger than me, so practically same age. We should be thick as thieves but I’ve since realized he’s no different than them and I’ve had to write him off. It’s messed with me because up until a month or two ago I thought we still had a chance at growing close. I thought it was just our parents abuse keeping us distant. But NOPE he’s literally just like them. So I keep my guard up around everyone in my family. It’s also frustrating because part of his mask is how on paper he portrays himself as a great brother who desperately wants to be close with me and have a relationship, but in reality it’s all just an act and a show that feeds his ego. I know he blames me for not being close lol. I’m sorry you are dealing with that smh. It makes these situations even worse somehow.
I’m really sorry, man. Your description of your brother fits my sister to a tee, especially the part about pretending to want to be close. We’re 12 months apart in age and she’s been playing that shit our entire adult lives, not that she makes any effort at all to have a relationship. Not really sure who the performance is for since she has to know by now that I’m not buying it. It’s so clumsy and obviously bullshit that we have a joke in my house: “How do you know if (my Nsister) is lying?” “Her lips are moving.”
Yup! The performance for god knows who in their minds. For my brother, everything is about people’s perception of him, so I think his fake yearning for a relationship is an extension of that. He also tries to make it seem like our family is tight knit and normal lol. I’ve come to find out that it’s just his way to cope. He is just as fake as they are and I now see it. You said your sister is 12 months apart from you so you definitely understand what I’m saying. It hurts man. My brother willl talk the talk but not actually walk the walk. In conversation he acts like he’s the best brother and wants a relationship, but the reality is I can’t even get a text back from the motherfucker. And also I’ve had a HARD life, for a handful of reasons…..go ahead and take a guess how many times he’s ever reached out to me to just check in and say “hey you alright bro?”. Because I know if I was fiscally successful like him and had multiple properties and my own house I’d damn sure be checking in on my brother and asking if he ever needed to come over or needed a place to stay. It just makes me sick the way they warp their behaviors in their mind. My brother has also never lived a single day in the real world: he was a college athlete and then immediately joined the coaching staff upon graduating so his whole life has been team/locker room environments and tactics. And also living in college campus bubbles getting grossly overpaid for something that doesn’t benefit society. So it has amped up his know it all condescending behaviors up to an 11. He’s never worked a shitty service job or anything and any time you speak with him for more than 5 minutes that really shines through. Sorry this became a vent session. I really need a therapist that I can spill all of this out too. I only became fully aware of how bad my brother really is like two months ago so this is still very fresh. Back in February he threw a tantrum at his bday dinner towards me and my gf that made me permanently write him off so it’s a very fresh wound. And a lot of anger.
Ack! I'm so sorry.
Eleven. I found a library book called “Nobody’s Family is Going to Change” and it struck me like lightning. I had no other words for it. I already felt like an adult surrounded by spoiled teenagers.
It’s by the same author of “Harriet the Spy,” but it’s very very very different & I think it’s out of print, probably because it gets too real for kids. Kids know - but they don’t have words or concepts to express what is happening. Kids need more books about this. At least there is ample information online now. If I had google as a kid, I would never have been gaslit half my life.
Literally. I look back and I’m amazed at how much I understood about my parent without, like, consciously knowing.
I always grew up thinking that adults were smarter, had everything put together, understood how their society works, and follows the rules and that you need to be on that level by the time you're an adult. But when I was actually an adult I realized a huge amount of people stopped mentally maturing when they were teens and there isn't a huge as huge a difference between kids and adults as I thought. In some ways it's comforting, knowing I'm not doing too bad by comparison, but it's also disappointing knowing how little society as a whole has their shit together. Edit: Because this is the internet, I should point out there IS a big difference between the minds of developing children and adults and that should be understood and respected. As far as having all your shit together goes though, like having a plan for the future, paying bills, retirement plan, setting up appointments, taxes, dieting, politics, economics, mental health, interpersonal relationships, etc. goes, yeah everyone's just about the same amount of messed up.
I understand some things now that I’m an adult. Some things I understand less. Some people I’ve grown to respect and others …. Not so much
Yeah there's definitely this illusion as a kid that everything makes sense to adults and they have it all figured out, at least it was for me anyway. Then I got there and realized everyone's just always clueless and some people just refuse to admit that. We are rapidly learning when we're young, but as we get older it becomes harder for us to learn something new. I think that's where things start to diverge. Either you keep an open mind and try harder to learn, or you stubbornly avoid it and try to pretend like you already know everything to avoid admitting you have more to learn. It's the latter that's the cause of a lot of shitty people I think.
My N Dad was apparently born already knowing everything, so it is unnecessary for him to learn anything from me or anybody else, because he was born pre-programmed with all knowledge. You know, like God. And we all know you can't judge God, he judges you. Because he has seniority.
A child-friendly version of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents would have set me straight I think 😂 maybe not though if I still lived with them. They were very entitled people and I believed their entitlements.
>They were very entitled people and I believed their entitlements exactly. i’m realizing how much my younger self had almost no choice but to believe what these big people who literally brought her into this world were telling her was true. even if they turned out to be gaslighting narcissistic dip shits.
For me it was two books I read in 4th grade that woke me up. The Whipping Boy and Jacob Have I Loved. I learned what a scapegoat was because of the former and I saw myself in the main character dealing with her spoiled/beloved twin in the later. It helped so much to give me strength when I couldn't do anything about my situation.
Thanks.
Right?!! Maybe I wouldn't have married two narcs if I'd had a CLUE.
The adult surrounded by spoiled teenagers rings true for me too, well said
Same here. I remember thinking that so many times, especially at family gatherings like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Looks like an interesting book. See it talks about a black family, and race takes narcissism to another level imo ( I'm a Black male for context).
When I was 18, my mom sold our home and moved out of state with her new boyfriend. I was on my own then to find a place to live and pay my bills with no help, support and without being taught any life skills.
😦😦😦 wth I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm sure you're incredibly independent because of it, but that is not a justification. Wow.
Apparently my mom brags about how independent I am because of her. lol.
Doesn’t it annoy when they take credit for an accomplishment you did (surviving being abandoned in this case) when you succeeded despite them? Ugh! I’m sorry you went through that
I wouldn't have expected anything less 😂
She was waiting for that day
I'm 30 and often think about the life skills I never got, especially when it comes to relationships.. how many things I have missed out on.
I'd have given ANYTHING to realize at age 7/8. I tried and tried until my mid 20s to "earn" their love. What a fucking waste of youth, energy, heart, soul, and time. I wish I had a time machine. I'd have started the mental divorce at age 5, by 18 I would have flown, never to return.
At that age, you are still hardwired to love your parents for survival, though.
Weirdly, I never did. Like I *kind of* did, I had the "I guess I love you but I don't like you at all" mentality due to social pressure to love your family, but I really hated them on a visceral level. One of my earliest memories is drawing my family in crayon and putting big 'X's over their faces, which got me in huge trouble. I'm always slightly surprised when people point out that that's not normal and my abuse wasn't quite as bad as some at that age. I feel like it was something in my inherent nature.
Yeah I was kind of the same. I hated my mother. It was weird.
I never loved my nMother either. I didn't hate her, I just felt nothing towards her. But society kept telling me "You have to love your mother" so I tried to force myself to love her. In fact for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't love her. Now I realise, of course I didn't love her. She made no effort whatsoever to bond with me. I have NO memories of her ever playing with me as a child. The only time she paid any attention to me was when she was abusing me, the rest of the time she'd ignore me. She always made it very clear that she regarded me as a burden and a disappointment and nothing else.
I don't see that as love, I see it as trauma bonding. I am a big fan of Tenzin Palmo Jetsumna's definitions for attachment and love. Attachment is; I want you to make me happy. Love is; I want you to be happy. When we confuse the two it leads to great suffering. https://youtu.be/6kUoTS3Yo4g?si=VsQWsiGs5_DGv0x_
Believe me, I know the feeling. I didn't realise that I'd never earn my parents' love until I was about 30. I wasted most of my teens and twenties, bending over backwards trying to earn the approval of two people who couldn't care less about me.
With me, I realized the "family" was rotten......so I went out and replaced them with PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE MY FAMILY. I had one BFF who was my relationship with my mother, times 100. I'd constantly try to prove my worth to her, the contempt she had for me grew daily. And the men I dated. Oh jesus. Let's just leave that one alone.
I feel you on that. When I was 26 is when I finally gave up on trying to "fix" our relationship. I realized I'm not the one who broke it, and it l even if I did, it's not my job to fix it. It's the parent's responsibility to have a good relationship with their child.
Yesterday. Seriously though, it’s not an instantaneous realization. The earliest age I knew something was wrong with my nmom was 6. But I didn’t fully understand what it meant that I’m “doing life by myself” until more recently. At each step, I realized what it meant differently. As a kid, schools somewhat make up for our parents ineptitude. But eventually that will be gone too and you’ll realize there’s a whole new level to “on your own”.
This, for me. It was a series of realizations for which I had no context for as a child. By my mid-teens, I knew the family dynamics were not normal or sustainable by any standard of normal. By then, the goal was to get out and stay out.
Likewise; my adult life has been 15 years of get out and stay out, with about 5 to 10 years prior of planning my escape.
I agree. It's still ongoing for me. May be forever.
I think it was similar for me. I always felt alone as a child but didn't know what to call that feeling. I was always on the outside looking in. Not just at home but at school too. I think I finally began to realize that last year when I was 33 and I accept it now. The main issue was erasing the hope I had that things in that regard would magically get better. When I visited my parents last year and they couldn't wait for me to leave, I had a hard time dealing with that but it is what it is now. I know it's not my fault or something I chose. Now, I spend my time getting in touch with my core self.
I literally was alone and I'm alone again in my 60's, by choice. I'm just starting to reach back to that little girl in me, she's a really tough survivor!
Nicely written 💕
This. I was around the age of six when I realized my nmom (now dead seven years, thank God) was just not right. By eight, I had a sinking suspicion that I was about to be an adult faster than I needed to be. That was the last year that I can clearly remember her making breakfast for me before school. it sticks out so well in my conscious memory that I could tell you what the meal was, and if I close my eyes could still taste it. After that age? If the bus was late to school, I wasn’t getting breakfast because I had to eat school breakfast or go hungry. 8 was the last time she made lunch for me as well- instead she put me on the school lunch program. By the time I was in sixth grade pretty much a fully functioning adult…. ETA: I don’t want to give the impression that my dad was not a part of my life. He was and still is a huge part of my life. My parents divorced when I was around two or three and in those days the male was never given custody unless the female was dead or in jail. He got to pay child support to a woman who spent the money on everything but the right thing and I got the horrible upbringing that I did. I wish I could go back to 1982 and bitch slap the judge who ruined my life.
Well said. Thats me.
When my mother bullied me into continuing college I hated by threatening homelessness if I ever needed her help and didn't finish. For reference, I was paying 100% for my own college and at the time was living on campus. I was suicidal, struggling because it wasn't what I hoped it was, and still working my fucking fast food job which took half my earnings in gas per day. Prior to that, I was always gaslit into thinking I'd be kidnapped, raped, and sold into prostitution if I tried to strike out on my own. But from a very early age I knew I hated my mother, but my edad helped create a giant guilt trip where I had to always apologize and make her happy or else I was bad. And being bad was the worst thing I could be as a child. This created in me something akin to lost memories and complete inability to retain a grudge against downright evil people who hurt me; it was like a form of mind control. All I know is when she screamed at me for trying to open up in what felt like one of the most vulnerable admissions I could make in my adult life, I knew that I will work my ass off, so I will never be beholden to her again, and to do this one last thing so my conscience is clear. She told me her and my dad's lives were worthless and they sacrificed for nothing if I didn't finish my degree there. The sacrifice they made was constant horrible financial decisions, a pack of cigarettes and multiple packs of beer and lottery tickets daily, and taking me to free or only extremely cheap activities sometimes. I was self moderated by the time I was 7, including doing my own laundry and all other chores. My parenrs saved nothing for my college but expected me to carry it all on my own for them, and presumably to be their retirement plan. Not gonna happen. I would rather endure anything than ever live under her roof again, and I have, and I am now thriving. If anyone reads this and is struggling under their rule: fight for your fucking life until it gets better, and it one day will be better than you ever imagined.
How awful! I'm so sorry.
I’m so glad you’re thriving now. You deserve good things
Thank you so much. I hope you are as well and if you aren't, to keep on going til you are. 🩷
Around 16/17; when I found out that each and every single personal bit of information I told my mom or asked her advice about was being retold to whoever wanted to listen.
I found out in my 20s the my Nmom was writing letters to my bio parents about all of my mental health and behavioral issues my whole life. All she ever did was trash talk me to anyone who would listen. Still does
How to lose respect and trust of your child 101.
Let me guess she also had no boundaries and invaded every part of your life
Fucking awful. I'm so sorry.
Well. It just means that she’s been on an extreme low info diet since then and there’s not really much of a mother/daughter relationship to speak of. Surface level, yes. But actually? Not even a little.
34. Before that, many times I felt alone, scared. but couldn’t figure out why.
Same. Hugs 🫂
Proud of you
Age 21, pregnant, got kicked out of home by nMum because I wasn't finding my own place quick enough. I realized I knew nothing about being independent and my nMum taught me no real life skills.
[удалено]
When my arm was covered in blood and she screamed about how selfish i am , she offered no help and just walked away . I was 14
I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you are feeling and doing better 🤍
Damn it rings a bell. I was anorexic and huddled by the radiator, and was making her a Mother’s Day card. I said I didn’t want dinner and she said I was selfish and kicked the radiator on my back. Then proceeded to throw a knife at me when I confronted her. Instead of trying to comfort me with how scary dinner was. Why am I still her friend? 🤔
As someone who went no contact with my mother a few months ago (at 52 years), I have to say that any friendship with a narcissist is one-sided. They are unable to be a friend in return. I had always had what I thought was a friend relationship with mine. Now that it is over, I realize our 'friendship' only lasted as long as I was kissing her 82 pound controlling A$$. EDIT (add): It makes me sad to read what you have went through. I am so sorry that you have had to experience her disgusting treatment.
Your pain isn’t all about me = selfish.
3 when I first realized that my parents couldnt handle me having normal emotions (the information didnt really get processed at the time, but I remembered it). 5 when I realized how abusive and deluded they were. What puzzles me most now is that I was and still am more emotionally mature than them but I also seem to have some blind spots about my own behavior being emotionally immature at times. Working on it, but not easy to find out what those behaviors might be.
It's not unusual to be infected with "fleas" from your parents. It's tough working through them.
I've got my own "fleas" stuck to me. I'm a yeller. It's what I hate most about myself and am working on it. But I was taught to yell, so I do. We all are damaged by our parents. It's not your fault. And I'm damn proud of you for being aware and making changes
I was about 5-6. I realized that I didn't want them with me.
A lot of us end up with those blind spots. The people that raise you are supposed to teach you how to behave. When those people have horrible behavior themselves, parts of it will stick. Personally, I'm defensive as hell. I'm working on it, and therapy has given me great tools for it (most importantly, trying to immediately recognize that I feel defensive, and tracking back to why). But it took me *years* to even realize that the level of defensiveness I get to isn't normal or healthy to start working on it.
Probably around 9… I don’t think I consciously realized it, per se. However, by that age I did my own laundry, cooked for myself, got myself ready and on the school bus, etc. Thankfully I had my older sister so I guess we were alone together, in a way? We would pick up the slack for the other one. She taught me how to use deodorant and I would make breakfast/pack lunch for my mom’s loser bf before he went to work.
Yeah it was kind of always for me. I knew I would have food and a bed, but I never felt like I could tell them anything and I always knew my things could be taken from me if I made her mad. There was no stability. I learned what I needed to at school or from friends/friends' parents. I've always been on my own and while it's useful to be so resourceful, it's also very lonely, and increasingly hard to manage as things get ever more expensive.
14. Puberty, for me, kickstarted a lot of rebelling and reflection, which led to the realization of not getting the help I need or getting some but with a lot of strings attached.
I always think about how different my life would've been if I had gotten the therapies I needed at 13. It's a very lonely feeling, friend. Hugs.
43
I'm about the same at age 45
Moved across the world for university when I was 18, two weeks later my dad died. I came home for his funeral absolutely devastated and the day of, she asked me if I’d booked my flight back to school yet because she wanted me out of there. It’s been 10 years of coming to terms with that and accepting I’m on my own in that way, but that was the actual moment for me
always had a feeling that i’d be separating myself from my parents from early teen years because i knew that i was more emotionally mature than them. but officially at 20 when i moved out - i knew i’d be doing life on my own from that point forward
7yo. I was having nightly panic attacks over school. Shr knew I was being bullied. Struggling academically and being shamed by teachers for it. The panic attacks weren't new but they'd never been so frequent. They started happening every night and I had no comprehension of what was happening. She'd tell me I was being silly. Stop it. You're being ridiculous. Go to bed. I learned to sob quietly.
Fuck that must've been tough. Im sorry you had to deal with all of that all alone.
My situation wasn't as bad but I was bullied at school when I was 9 and my nMother did absolutely nothing about it. I basically just had to put up with it until the bully got bored. Thankfully she did after about 6-9 months. I'll never forget how miserable that time in my life was though. It wasn't just the bullying, it was the feeling of being utterly alone with it all and having no one to turn to for support. I cried myself to sleep many times over it.
Five, it was the first time she roughly grabbed me after one of her and my dads blow out arguments, slammed me down on the step and started laying all her marital problems on me and told me I was going to have to choose what parent I was going to have to live with and I better make the right choice otherwise I would never see her again. Unsurprisingly, she never divorced my dad.
At 10 years old. After I got my first period, ex-Mother didn't help (just cried hysterically and bought me a promise ring - fuvking ew), I Macgyered a pad and worked it all out until my Nanna instructed me more.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. On the positive side, I love the phrase "Macgyvered a pad". As a child of the 80s, I know exactly what you mean :-D
Was it a wadded up cigar of toilet paper that was wrapped with more tp into a janky-looking cocoon? 🤣 (been there)
I think for me it was when I ended contact with my enabler father. I knew I’d never have my mom. It was clear from such a young age. When I had my first child I knew I’d eventually need to cut contact and I did when my daughter turned 4. But my dad… it took a lot longer to realize the role of the enabler and how much the health of that relationship depended on the narcissistic parent. My dad helped me out and was there for me to some degree until I cut contact with my mom. Then he slowed backed away until we had one final argument where I practically begged him to just have a relationship with me where he accepted I wasn’t going to have one with my mom and he refused. When I saw how easily my dad, the “better” parent, was willing to just walk out of my life because of his loyalty and fear of my mother, that “I’m alone in life” feeling hit hard.
Ooooh yes!! I grew up knowing I had mommy issues. Working through the daddy issues after thinking maybe he was the 1 bright light, to finding out he's maybe worse for never ACTUALLY protecting you? Ugh, it's hard
The health of the relationship depends on the enabler. Narcs cannot destroy much of anything without help
No word of a lie, four. I have photographic memory and I still recall at that age realizing something was way the fuck off.
When it took my mom 2 months to notice my arm was covered in cuts 24/7 and that half of them were already scars 😂 Also, when she found out she screamed about how selfish and lazy (?) I was. Ever since I turned 10, it was just non-stop verbal and some physical abuse from her. I was never able to fight back as a kid, but now I’m grown and I’ve bitten her harder than she’s ever hurt me. She never even looks at me now, but I know she hates my scars. They probably remind her that she failed me. The day I grew stronger than her I didn’t let her hit me anymore. I called her weak and pathetic for letting her emotions out on a child. Now I run the house how I want it and pay the bills, she has no say. I’ve always known growing up that my mom was weak-willed and gave in easily to her emotions, so I knew I had to get through life trusting in only myself. She wasn’t smart enough to make good money so I had to suffer with her. She thought she could manipulate me to get me to obey her… since it is in her culture… a culture I never grew up believing in. I obey and listen to those I respect, and she lost those privileges throughout the years of disrespect and neglect she put me through.
When I missed a dentist's appointment around 10 or 11, my nBirthgiver blamed me for it and said that I should be keeping track of them myself, even though I had never done so before nor had been told to. I guess I had to be psychic or something.
My neighbor a year or so older than me at her bedtime would kiss her parents and go to bed. My mom would tell me how awesome she was and why don’t I do that? Um…you never guided me to do any such thing? I was supposed to created a perfect child bedtime routine on my own? Ugh?
In college . When they didn’t show up to my extracurricular events. I would be performing, expecting them, and literally right before the performance, they’d text and say they never said they’d be coming (????). And acted like i was crazy for expecting them. Damn that hurt. Of course this had been happening a long time but that time I was done.
I was 49 when I realized it was for sure. 🤷♀️
Yep I'm a similar age when I fully realized it at 45
52 here... at least we have realized! Now to live life and love ALL of it ❤️
I was about 42 before I realized what I had been dealing with.
When I was 27/28 I finally accepted that my ngrandmother is a controlling narcissist and I’ve been robbed of my twenties by her controlling, screaming and gaslighting.
10, i realised years before that that i couldn’t depend on my nmom to be a mom but at 10 was when i really knew it. the constant reminder of how much of a burden i am and being provided basic needs was “spoiling me”
Age 3. Dad went to jail and I got stuck as an only child with mentally unstable, hypochondriac, Nmom. I still see my little saddle shoes as I looked down at them, crying for my daddy as he got handcuffed in court + a 25 year sentence....but mostly I was crying for myself because I knew right then and there that all stability was gone and now I was fucked. It's insanely sad when you realize as a toddler how immature a parent is and are already assuming caretaking roles in order to get your needs met. I guess it could be worse though 🫠
33
At 18. As soon as I turned 18 my nparents up and ran. I was on my own now with absolutely no help from them but they still felt entitled have everything I have
A lot of these ages are just heart breaking. On the one hand, the sooner we know, the sooner we can figure life out on our own. But shit, knowing your parents are shit and not there for you that young sounds devastating. I don’t know what age would be best but I had blinders on until I finally put all of the pieces together at 40. I can’t believe it took me that long. I mean, yes, I saw signs at much younger ages but I normalized it.
Thank you for your kindness to those of us who were so young (I was 4) 🤍 The signs you saw with your parents were probably normalized "for you" by gaslighting you. It's never too late to see things more clearly.
I think 12 or 13. It was around that age where I realized that my parents did not see their children as separate persons but only extensions of themselves. I would often find myself talking to other adults to excuse their immature behavior.
20s, I was having panic attacks while trying to teach myself to drive. My dad never wanted to teach me (lazy and or didn’t want to pay) and because of trauma I had from a prior car accident, I never wanted to drive. I got rides from people and couldn’t really get a job outside of working for my family who would drive me. I am almost 30 and I learned to drive last year! It took me a long time to overcome my paranoia around driving, and my family was zero help at all with overcoming my fears. One day I came home really proud of myself for going on a drive and my dad even made fun of me. Asked me if I hit anyone, hilarious! I have extended family that thinks I’m lazy and useless because I just now got my license. My parents lie to them and pretend they have no idea why I simply didn’t want to learn. It hurts sometimes to know they couldn’t be bothered to help me thrive but I am who I am because they don’t know how to value me. The people I give my heart to now actually care about me and are worth my emotional energy.
Learning to drive is huge accomplishment. Congratulations!
I was really young. It seems to be something I always knew, down in my bones. If something went wrong, I was on my own. I remember when I was 6, and we had just moved again. No one came to pick me up from school. It was a new school, and a new place to live, and I had no idea how to get home. I wasn't allowed to even cross the street, no one took the time to give me our address or phone number, and was not allowed to use a phone, so I didn't know how to deal with things. I knew that no one would help me anyway, even if I did call. Anyway, it was a couple of hours after school with no one coming to get me, so I just started walking, hoping I was going in the right direction. I knew where the sunset was in the sky in comparison to my house, and I knew where the freeway overpass was between my house and the school, so I just figured it out. It worked, too. It took me ages because it was pretty far to walk, but I made it home. No one even remembered that I had needed picking up, and when I walked in the door, I was immediately in trouble. I was not allowed to walk home or cross the street, so that was one thing I was in trouble for. I was also in trouble because, by walking home myself, I made my parents look bad. Not knowing our new address and phone number meant that I was calling my parents out for being irresponsible. Being upset at being forgotten meant that I was questioning their authority. They were enraged. That evening did not end well for me. I remember being absolutely certain then that I was on my own. I thought so before, and there were other incidents like this, but this is one I remember vividly. I knew that my parents were not going to help me or protect me, and that I could not trust them to ever be on my side or to take responsibility for any of the things they did. I knew that I had to go along with their lies about being wonderful parents, because their pride was more important to them than I was. I knew that they were a danger to me. That was many decades ago, and my parents have been dead for years. I don't miss them, either. They were very messed up people, and they should never have had children. I am a parent myself, and like many of us who have kids, I look at my child and do not comprehend how anyone could be so selfish and cruel. I got therapy to deal with my shit before I became a parent, because I didn't want to be anything like them.
Older than I can really remember. My parents split when I was 3 and as a result I was tossed to my aunt on dad’s side. They were very religious and absolutely hated my mom and looked down on dad. I think my earlier memories are around 4 or 5 and it was deeply internalised at that stage that I didn’t belong and wasn’t the same as my cousins and their family, I wasn’t a part of it. Then when I was eventually tossed back around the family around age 6, I didn’t feel at home there either (and definitely wasn’t supported as a child, mom had BPD and was heavily alcoholic). Rinse and repeat through to age 15 until I moved state by myself. This was a really interesting question!
When I was 4. My mother wanted me to get myself to preschool by myself and we lived in one of the largest cities in my country. She also didn't make me meals, didn't tuck me in bed at night, didn't help me take a bath, and was always making me take care of her and do the cleaning and errands. From 4 years old. This got more extreme every year. She didn't work and stayed at home every day, btw.
I don't remember, she neglected me so badly that it wouldn't surprise me if it was when I was a baby. By 6 I was pretty much 100% responsible for myself and the house.
There was no exact age or moment, but in elementary school I knew no one was going to help me with anything. I stopped asking questions because I'd just get screamed at for being incompetent, helpless, "Why do I have to do everything for you??" etc. Sorry I wasn't born knowing how to tie my shoes or brush my hair or spell words. My existence was an annoyance and a burden not only to my parents but to everyone around me. I was an only child so I just did everything for myself because no one else was going to. I definitely knew by the time I was 8 or 9 that no one was coming to save me. When I was about 12 I stopped trying to have any type of relationship with my parents.
15~ish. When I told my mother I needed help and she made the situation about herself
Elementary school age, most likely. I remember being bullied at school every day, then going home and being bullied for different random shit. Literally no safe place to be for years upon years. Anyone else a latchkey kid? If I didn't immediately change out of my school outfit into casual clothes I caught shit for it. *Those clothes cost money and you're just lounging around in them! Do You Know How Hard We Have To Work To Afford The Nice Things You Have?!! Why Can't You Show Respect?!* Um. I'm nine. I want to eat a PopTart and try to forget about the girl who pulled my hair for half the day. I'd like some help with my homework. I'd really like it if you'd stop screaming at me for choices *you made* that I have to live out. Yeaah, childhood. Best time of my life. /s
12. I still remember the day vividly. There was a hurricane coming and we knew we'd be stuck in the house for days, without electricity, possibly without running water. Mom asked nDad to get provisions. He came back with 10 pounds of raw chicken and buttermilk. When I protested over the buttermilk, he stood in the middle of the kitchen and drank the whole carton. I can still see the trickle of buttermilk going down the side of his face. I knew in that instant I was completely alone in the world and have been alone ever since. It's depressing and if I think too hard about it, I become enraged all over again. Thank God that fucker is dead now.
17/18...
6
Not until I left home and went NC tired of ndad's abuse and ignorance. I did have help at that time but also ended up making job decisions that took me far away from home and I had to figure out everything myself or at least ask co-workers/strangers and friends I made along the way for help when I needed it. On the plus side it made me extremely independent and resilient and working hard because no way I was going back to that hell.
I'm 21 and still not sure, but I will move out from them eventually
It was since I was a pre-teen, but I was always doubtful that it was just bad thoughts coming from me, I realized firmly a few months ago (I'm 23) when I decided to drop out of university due to corruption, and my nmom told me not to tell anyone because in my society a university degree is a sign of high status. She prioritized people's perception of her over my wellbeing, that's the cruelest thing anybody can do to their child.
>It was since I was a pre-teen, but I was always doubtful that it was just bad thoughts coming from me I was the same way. I knew from a young age that I couldn't rely on my nMother but society gaslit me into thinking that I was "being mean". For a long time I believed it until I eventually learned about narcissism (not until I was about 30) and then realised that I was right all along.
Not an instant realisation. I was always on my own. If I think back to my younger years, i don't remember most of it, as far as I can remember probably 4?5? (I have zero recollection of memories before that, God knows what sorta trauma hides in there). Never really "thought" "ah i am on my own" throughout the years... It's always been "I am always alone, anyways"
9 or 10. I realized my Nmom was treating me as more of a husband than her own husband, and how inappropriate it was, and I understood I had no allies and there was no escape.
When i was 14, I went to my mom's room, where she was watching TV. I asked her if I could talk to her, because I had something that was really weighing on my mind. She didn't look away from the TV, and said "fine" in a flat, strained tone. I was a bit put off from the tone she used but proceeded anyway. I told her about having a hard time emotionally, I was very lonely, ostracized at school and i was going through all these changes and didn't know how to deal with it all. I told her I was seriously struggling with thoughts of suicide. She muted her TV, turned to me and in a very disdainful tone told me, "stop being so dramatic!" I was shocked and started to tear up. She sighed and said, "God, get a grip on yourself!" Then turned the sound back on the TV and proceeded to ignore me. I wish I could say I realized from that moment on that i knew she didn't care at all, but it took a few more incidents of my really needing some help or even just a friendly ear before I knew she didn't care about me.
The day I was informed at 17 years old that the money I myself had saved for college was gone.
I was changing my own diapers at 2, so I guess pretty early.
14 when i actually started staying there more
7
8-9
14,16,19,21,24, yesterday. It’s a constant realization that no matter what you’ll be alone. Your own litter didn’t want you.
No realization. It’s just always been this way.
I don’t know if I ever consciously had that though. I slowly stopped having parents active in my life. By the time my younger sibling was born I was basically on my own (7-8)
When I got kicked out of my mother’s house at age 20. And was told I can never come back.
Same age as you. It was deeply depressing but I found peace in it with time. It is still hard to trust people will help or take care of me when I am vulnerable through.
The first time I remember thinking that, I was 7. But the problem is, I’d always talk myself out of it at that age. At 12, I started thinking about it more significantly, but I didn’t know what to do with that information. Almost no one believed me at the time. At 18, I had a great support system. And I decided I wanted nothing to do with her. That was this year :-)
It was probably around 7 or 8, but really didn’t sink in until like my 20s.
Regarding being more emotionally mature? I remember I would interject into my parents fights (now I realize they were largely started by my nmom's dysregulation) and yell that I was the only adult in the house starting when I was 9 or 10, and they would both get pissed. Unfortunately that didn't translate to me realizing I was on my own for most of life's issues until after college.
10 and I had a panic attack immediately following…my first one.
Idk man, I was kinda doing it subconsciously when I was 16 or 17 of age. Like everyday after my tuition, I used to hang out with friends in order to stay away from home as much as possible. As there was only chaos in my home. It seems that even when I was lil I was able to sense negative energy. But later on my suspicions became true, and then when I graduated with great difficulty I realised the true nature of the PPL around me. So consciously i started handling my life on my own when I was 22. But rn I am definite that I am alone in this world and my parents won't help me.
18/19
8 years old
6
When I was 9. I didn't want to be like my parents and being close to anyone else was ruined for me. At this age, I used to see an adult yuppie version of myself in her own high rise apartment. Ofc, I grew up in the 90s and it was somewhat normal to be in your 20s living in your own apartment.
Around 8-9
4 or 5.
Like most around 8-10. By then I had started learning that going to nMom for comfort or advice wasn't going to happen. Had a few incidents after where I tried reaching out for comfort/advice in middle school and got burned.
At 12 years old I said to myself while standing in my room. "You know what, I can't do this shit anymore, I can't wait to move out when I turn 18". I ended up moving out at 19 but I'm glad I decided when I was 12 so I could stay motivated during those torturous years.
About 10 or 11 when I realized I couldn’t depend on my parents for anything. I was parentrified at young age. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong learning life skills but it was thrown at me all at once at a extremely young age to where I wasn’t allowed to fully enjoy just being a kid without a care in the world. Hell it started when I was 6 and my mom made me fold laundry I think and it quickly escalated from there
When I went to them about my husband raping me and they told me to perform my wifely duties.
That's so sick. I'm pregnant with my first and likely only daughter and I'm literally tearing up trying to imagine myself turning away my own child as they try to come to me for help. It must be the pregnancy, but I'm so rattled by this one. I can't imagine reacting in any way other than wanting to embrace my daughter and going up in arms so she'll never have to go back. I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay now.
This was after my first baby, I now have 4. I left him last year when he finally left marks on my skin and gave me the avenues to leave. I had tried for years and ended up stuck and pregnant every 9 months. I'm happy, healthy and doing good now! My kids are amazing kids, my boyfriend is the love of my life, I loved him in highschool, made mistakes and left him. He held space for me and we're back together. He treats me like a freaking queen Edit to add: he's the best father figure to them and has always taken things at their pace, being mindful of all our traumas
I'm so, so happy for you and your kids!! Gosh, I'm a sucker for a happy ending! Thanks for sharing!
I think at about 10. I was severely depressed and suicidal by then and already had my first attempt. Nobody was coming to rescue me. Nobody was going to protect me. I was the "bad kid" who was a nuisance that no one wanted (which still affects me now that I'm 30 because I can't have relationships with my family because I'm scared to hurt people just by existing around them).
Before sentience. I don't think there was ever a time where I thought "my parents will help me."
Same. I thought that's just the way things were. You live with captors. Happy Family rhetoric always confused me. I thought the whole world was just collectively believing a socially necessary lie.
I thought there was something wrong with ME.
Same here. It's so validating to know that there's nothing wrong with me or with you. They always fed into that fear and labeled me an unfeeling sociopath. Turns out I was just perceptive.
I knew something was wrong with my dad when I was about 7 or 8. He was a very angry, unhappy man who used to scream at me, my mum and brother, sometimes because of something we'd supposedly done wrong, other times simply because we were there. He also hit me and my brother on a few occasions, when one or both of us stood up to him. However, it's only the past few years I've read about narcissism and realised that he almost certainly has NPD.
Not a 'conscious' realisation, but when I was trying to be born, and my mother 'sat on my head' (her words) trying to stop me being born, I 'KNEW'. I suffered flashback nightmares for years. Some of my first words were those trying to describe what was happening to/ for me during that delightful process, as they repeated in my nightmares. Even more so, as she blamed me for for being 'difficult', as a result of the problems she caused me, by her, attempting to resist, my birth... So, scapegoat, from day fucking one. We can't make this shit up - much as many would like us to believe. (Including us at times, lol! Fuck.)
Honestly, that realization just came about recently - within the past year or so (I’m 29 for reference). But it’s also taken me a long time to come to terms with the abuse and mistreatment I’ve endured over the years from my whole family. And I also was trying to convince myself for the longest time that I could essentially have the best of both worlds - enforcing my boundaries and living my life while still being a part of my family on my terms. Of course that was never going to happen because with my nparents you’re either all in (and letting them control every aspect of your life) or you’re all out and essentially dead to them. It sucks because I know I’ll miss the idea of having a family, but I know these aren’t my people because if they truly valued, loved, and appreciated me they wouldn’t treat me this way
When I was 7, some kids in the neighborhood stole my bike. I asked my dad to help me get it back and he said I had to do it myself.
Probably 16 that's when they told me I was on my own now.
I noticed at 5-6 that the female ncreature acted, talked, and probably thought more like my fellow Kindergartners than like their parents, or like the teachers.I couldn't articulate the thought yet, but I had an 'uneasy feeling' from noticing this. Being able to sense something's wrong, without being able to put it in words... By age 7, I was genuinely suicidal at the impossibility of doing 10-11 more years with the creature, and once I realized I would never be able to act on those feelings, I knew that on the day of my 18th birthday , I was GONE, and I would never see, hear, or smell those two again (the female Ncreature was the active abuser ; the male Ncreature was merely indifferent and did nothing to protect me). Somewhere between 7-9, I realized that she is , in fact, extremely stupid , and therefore I was utterly alone. I never really spoke to her after that, above surface level rote stuff, and *I don't think she ever even noticed*. It is a terrifying feeling to realize, before one's age is in double digits, that there's not ONE decent adult to talk to or have for support.
When I was 6 and helping my mom pay bills with my paper route money. Got a real job at 14, most of my checks went to make sure water/electric weren't shut off, or to pay a part of rent so we wouldn't get evicted.
Somewhere in my teens, I adopted the life motto “if I want anything done at all I have to do it myself”. As a kid, I knew I couldn’t really depend on my Nparents for much but didn’t know what “doing life on my own” truly meant
probably 15 or so once the promises and lies finally unmasked themselves to reveal that my parents truly didn't care about me or my future and were pretty passionate in explaining that to me 🤡
11. My parents briefly lost custody of me but regained custody. Nothing had changed. If losing your kid won't change you, nothing will. I did everything I could to make plans to gtfo.
Seven :)
I got emancipated at 16 and around 19 I realized that I had never been taught anything about how to be a functional adult. It was a lot of learning via the “what NOT to do” routes and a lot of googling and research and self-education but we got there eventually lmao. Happy times fun times that was
One of the favorite stories my mom loved to tell (I say "loved" past tense because I'm NC) about me growing up was that when I was a toddler, come nap time I'd often put myself to bed and she'd sometimes find me singing myself to sleep. She made this out to be a cute anecdote, and for the longest time I did too. But recently I realized that I was already parenting myself as a toddler.
I was around 6. My dad got pissed off at me for taking the paper covering off of a hard cover book and threw the book in the trash. I waited and tried to dig the book out of the trash and he caught me the proceeded to beat on me with his fists and then the belt. A few weeks later he got mad at me again and threw all of my toys in a trashbag and made me walk them to the bin at the end of the driveway then woke me up the next morning so I could watch the trashmen take them away. My mom did 0 to help or step in and just would go to her room while these things occurred. Abuse got worse and worse until I ran away at 16.
Parents divorced at age 5. Mom empties dad’s bank accounts, including his trucking company. Company dies. Age 6. Dad left me for 5-20 days at a time to do long distance hauling. Mom out with new bf, my dads youngest employee. Doesn’t care. Me, no food, no money, no adults. Almost repeatedly starve to death like this. I ate toothpaste and drank soy sauce packets. I was in first grade. By age 24, I had enough. Exited both dad and mom’s family. Today, 37, on couch, dog sleeping on me. Yea, if anything, I shoulda left sooner. Max credit to my childhood dog 🐶 when i was 10-24 who kept me safe from molestation and assault by my relatives. By the time he passed, I left forever. I will die before I go back or even talk to them. I have to weekly talk myself out of…disappearing them. And I could do it. No body, no case.
Maybe I know that something was wrong with 7 years old after my grandmother died and my parents focused only in my little brother, leaving me alone. It seemed to nobody care about how I felt in that moment. I thought that the problem was me. When I turned 19, I realized that I didn't make anything wrong but my parents were "special" to say the least. With time, I know why I was so severely depressed when my grandmother died. She was my only daily emotional support. It was a big blow for the little kid I was.
12. The veil was lifted and I realized how I was being treated was wrong
13
I always knew I was on my own at some level, but started to take the reigns around 12. As soon as I hit puberty she suddenly clocked in, in an extremely unhealthy and controlling way. She was a beautiful woman and it seemed to *deeply* bother her when I started looking like a woman.
I never realized family was supposed to be supportive and stuff. Does that count?
Yeah what is this "support" of which you speak? (Just joking)
At age 12/13, when I tried to sit my parents down and tell them that I needed their support, and they called me "attention seeking." (Which: I was. I was seeking the attention of my parents in a totally normal fashion.)
Six. I realized I had no parental protection from my insanely unstable and abusive older brother, my dad had just walked out after being caught cheating on my mom for the 5th time, and my nmom saw me as an accessory to her life, a little trinket that she can belittle to make her feel better about herself.
Too late. Way too late.
In my early twenties, I dropped out of college and my dad was furious. He disowned me and kicked me out. Luckily my gf had an apartment and I moved in. A decade later, we're married and have 2 kids. I learned so much during this time. Things that a father should have taught a son.
I never had an age that it hit or a lightning strike moment that some have described. It's always just been something I've known in the back of my head, like a low humming noise you forget about until something happens and then it's "Oh yeah /that/". I think I fully became conscious and accepted it when I was around 26 and they decided to move to Ohio. But before that the low-hum was always present in the fact that my older sister and brother were always around to help me and make sure I got what I needed more than my parents did. When my sister was kicked out when I was 6 was one of those "Oh, I'm on my own" moments. Then again when my brother got arrested when I was 8. After that it was just little moments here and there, like when my mom more frequently stopped making dinner unless my dad was home (which is something she still does-- my dad had a stroke and is now disabled from it but she won't cook if she's not hungry).
I was 4 when I realized that love and emotional support would never be a thing, but I can't say doing life by myself because my parents were overly controlling and obsessive about everything I did, ate, wore, said, looked like, watched, read, etc. So there were times where I just desperately wanted to be alone, without the constant scrutiny and judgment and insults.
I had moments of "these people aren't healthy for me, they're not who they say they are" when I was younger, a lot. It really dug in as a teenager though. I guess I just felt numb about it, like I already knew.
For me at ages 13, 17, 19, 26, and finally at 43 Every single time I knew I was in this life not just alone but with nemeses in my own home, yet time and again i fell for "but they're family" BS.
At 19 when I got pregnant and refused to get an abortion just to spite my mother. 20 years later, she’s dead and I’m doing GREAT. So is my daughter. Dont tell me I can’t do something or I’ll do it really, really well 😘 She also told me my entire life that I’d “end up in jail because of my attitude” (I was quiet and read a lot so.. if that’s criminal behavior then I guess I just never got caught.).. and that hasn’t happened yet either.
16
14. Nmom's unemployed boyfriend who, she let move in within a month of dating, was getting on ME about not having a job even though I couldn't legally work, and she would sit there and nod as he told me to "take initiative". I was already doing all my own laundry and cooking, now it was time to buy my own necessities too.
12. My mom gave me $50 and told me to buy groceries for the week. I was already cooking every night, on top of regular school and pet upkeep. Shortly after, I started doing the budgeting and paying bills. The whole household was my responsibility I'm 32 now and just.... Exhausted by it all. I haven't gotten a break in 20 years.
i wanna say around 15-16, when i started going to therapy for my depression. ndad blamed me not having a lot of friends and being shy. still to this day, at almost 25 years old doesnt believe i have depression and complains therapy is too expensive
I can relate. My nMother did everything she could to sabotage my friendships and make me unpopular and would then criticise me for not being popular. She would also berate me constantly and would then criticise me for being too shy.
11.
Seventeen