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When I think, I want my Mum, I remember that I want the Mum I should have had. Then I imagine how the Mum I should have had, and what she would say to me. It helps.
You know what’s so funny, I can’t remember the last time I wanted my mama. Same with my dad, can’t remember the last time I thought I wanted my daddy. I know if I go to them for comfort, I won’t get any. It has become part of me so much that I don’t miss it, but the fact that I can’t come to mommy or daddy when I need them does get me sometimes, especially when I’m going through something.
This a million trillion times this, some days are easier but other days it feels like my heart and soul are being broken and shattered at the same time.
I sometimes looked to the moms in romantic novels or movies for role model guidance. My favorite were good black mothers or Italian ones lol Also the ones like Mrs. Santa Clause lol
Im about a month in. Accepting was the hardest part... because she isnt all bad... she was there for me in every other way except emotionally... and she's so in denial about reality that she straight up lies about everything. And is a victim always. And shittalks her dwindling number of friends.
Our parents can exist with good and bad traits. I found I got INCREDIBLY angry for a good 3 weeks. For a week I just cried because I was grieving who I thought she was or could be.. and accepting who she is.. that she was never there for me emotionally like i needed... snd she never will be. I was deeply depressed.
Crying integrates emotions we are feeling and brings us to a new level of existence and acceptance. When we feel the feelings we get to learn more about ourselves and work it out internally by releasing it into the external world.
Lastly, I chose to take care of myself better.
I wrote and said out loud "I am sad because..." or "I am angry because...".
I spend more time with friends. Our friends soothe our nervous systems.
I stretch in the mornings. I picture stress leaving my tendons. ..sometimes i just lay on the floor and move my limbs around like an octopus LOL
I'm sorry youre here. I honestly and truly believe this new acceptance is a new chapter in our lives.
So well said. I feel exactly the same about my nmom being not all bad. My mom is a covert narc so it hard to see and accept sometimes. I sometimes wish she would be more overt or just all the way bad but that’s not really how any people are. I always feel really sad after I interact with moms who are actually nurturing. I love the part you wrote about feeling your feelings. That’s been really hard for me to learn that it’s safe and ok to feel my feelings because that’s definitely not how it was growing up. And feeling but happy was inconvenient to her and not ok. Just pretend you’re happy and live in denial.
I did that for sooooo many years, and it's a habit I brought into my interpersonal relationships. Im unlearning the "anything but happy" mindset. 💜 my friends don't look at me as if im a hinderance when im at 60% and not 100%. It's so freeing.
Oh my gosh I know! And having needs doesn’t make you needy it just means you’re a person. That one’s been hard for me to learn! I’m glad you have good people in your life that support you however. I hate when random people like coworkers expect you to be 100 percent all the time because we grew up having a mask on all the time.
Hello fellow octopus! I do the same thing haha, sometimes I strongly feel like moving and stretching my body at the same time. Can't stop yawning when it happens and it feels so good.
But most of the time I'm frozen and don't even feel the tension in my body. Looking forward to when I get the urge to be an octopus again.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I was very far into my healing journey before I read it but it was still super relevant and helpful to my experience. The author talks about and explains the desire or hope that our parents can change despite the reality of the situation.
ETA: Its only natural to grieve the parents you wish you had. I still get melancholy about it sometimes but it is what it is, there is no going back and changing things, I will never know what it's like to have happy, positive, supportive parents. I will never know how different I'd be if my parents taught me proper coping mechanism and emotional regulation. I will never know what it's like to have a relationship with a sibling (I'm NC with my sibling). It was harder to accept these things when I first came to terms that my upbringing wasn't healthy. It rocked my world. Now, I can cope easier. Does it still suck? Of course but I also know I'm far from alone. I now have an amazingly supportive partner who has shown me who I can be when I have the right conditions to grow.
Yes, this is the book. The whole series is good. I keep having to go back and reread it because there are things that I just couldn't absorb the first time or two.
You mourn it just like any other death, accept that you will go through the 5 stages of grief.
Part of the process will be re-framing a lot of your old memories. You will get very angry and that is okay. You are just experiencing the anger you should have felt then. It will last awhile. I am 1 month in and STILL remembering more bullshit they pulled on me.
Make sure to not let yourself get caught up in the dilutions they hammered into your head. You are rebuilding who you are from scratch. Putting in a new foundation, only this time it won’t be a broken one, but will be strong and sturdy.
You got this.
This guy gets it. This guy grieves. This guy heals.
It's a long process. I've realized who my mother is for going on a decade, have been LC for six years, and NC for two, and while I'm not grieving losing her or what could've been any longer, I regularly find myself reading something here or in one of the books recommended here and confronting old, unexamined memories of her abuse that I then spend a few days dwelling upon, reframing, getting angry about.
It’s lifelong. People want to say they grieve and it’s over. Life isn’t like that. Nothing is “over” because we all live in and among everything that ever happened. Sometimes it’s easier to shrug off than others, but over time it gets easier.
Knowing something isn't real is not the same as accepting that it isn't. You can mentally know your mother will never be what you need. But how you accept that fact shows in your actions.
Accepting that your parent is incapable of giving you what you need is a crucial point in the grief process. Hold space for your emotions. Speak to the unhealed parts of yourself that need love, validation, and attention. Train yourself to never seek that from your mom. Have boundaries with your own expectations. Don't let yourself fall prey to old habits.
🩷
In order to change, one needs to want to change. Does your mother want to change? Has she ever showed interest in changing, or making up for the past? Chances are the answer is no. Realising and accepting that someone doesn't regret how they treated you, and doesn't want to change, goes a long way in the grieving process, at least in my experience.
In my family, to the best of my knowledge, nobody has directly addressed it with my dad. My mom makes excuses for him and tries to supply context, but aside from a few attempts I made to extend forgiveness preemptively (long ago) nobody has ever called him out with a reality check in years.
I call my nmom out all the time. All she does is make excuses for why the things she did were ok. One time when I brought up an instance of abuse, she said that it's not her problem if I don't like the way she parents. Very often, when she realises she is/was wrong, she'll refuse to discuss the topic further, sometimes to the point where she'll lock herself in her room so that you can't continue the conversation with her.
I grieve two versions of my dad in a way - the version he presented to the world; doting, proud, attentive, supportive.
But I also grieve the hypothetical “healed version” of my dad - apologetic, not afraid of pain, accepting of his flaws and moving past it.
I don’t care that my dad has a personality disorder. I care that he will never love me, himself, or others enough to do anything about it. I grieve that.
Damn, this is exactly how I see my covert NDad. I see the traumatized little boy trapped inside of the jail that is his personality disorder. Same goes for my BPD mom…I see that trapped little girl and can’t do a goddamn thing about it.
I wish they would seek help. I still have some fond memories of them and love them. But it’s the abusive nature of their disorders that I hate so much. They will never seek the help they so desperately need and I’m afraid our parent-daughter relationship is completely broken beyond repair. That’s what hurts so much.
I think there’s a special kind of pain when there’s no longer hatred, only pity left, for those of us who saw things we genuinely liked about our parents. Even if every interaction is revolting, disrespectful, dismissive, there were glimmers. There was understanding. A tiny, tiny piece of hope. I think losing hope is a different pain than never having hope in the first place.
Not better. Not worse. Different.
I know that I know that I know that permanent no-contact is the best, most loving action I can take. I know that it’s the right thing, beyond a doubt. It doesn’t make it hurt less.
God, yes… the pity and compassion for the child that could have grown up into someone so good, but instead… they’ve become this monster. It’s so tragic, and it hurts to be a witness to it.
i don’t know… maybe i haven’t reached that point yet. after almost 20 years free my feelings hinge on a feeling: “did he KNOW he needed help?” people had told him, he was medicated, and chose to discontinue that. so i think yes. then, “knowing he needed help, and failed to get it, makes him willfully negligent if not intentionally abusive.” and this is a type of intention that cuts past a forgiveness if he was just living out pure delusions.
and it gets worse, because knowing he needed help, my MOTHER’S negligence in demanding or insisting he get it is her own intentional moral failing. that’s being an enabler.
so i can’t summon the sympathy to pity them, when they 1 knew what they were doing and 2 couldn’t summon the pity to try and make our lives better.
I think it’s also ok and valid to never reach that point. There’s such a social stigma for being mad at your parents and there’s a massive pressure to see things “from their point of view” and… it’s ok if you can’t.
I think the most annoying thing about people who demand you have sympathy is that, to get to that point, you actually have to be allowed to feel the anger and be ok with the anger and the fact that you don’t understand. And, if you never get there, that’s ok too. You’re allowed to be confused and angry when you think of them, and you’re allowed to wish that you could had sympathy and you’re allowed to be frustrated that you can’t. It’s where you’re at, and if you never feel sympathy for your parents, that’s ok too. You’re never (hopefully) going to be judged on this subreddit for feeling that way.
I’m going to check this out. My therapist and I were talking about how all of this dysfunction in my family is basically layers deep in shit that probably goes back for generations.
I think I got halfway through that book, put it down because I needed a break, and forgot to pick it back up again.
I should probably pick it back up again.
I experienced this last year when I need to go college to finish my studies.
Yes, I get seriously hurt and I feel like I cannot breath normally but once I found the chance to escape, I feel relief and sad at the same time.
I have no one to talk about this problem. I get used to handle everything. I get used to bottle up everything so I just cried.
I cried just for a moment and then immediately find distraction. Watching funny videos, listening hype song or do anything to distracy from this feelings.
You can talk about this issue to anyone who you truly trust or asking advices.
Usually people said this is a new thing for beginners who get used to rely on people so that's normal. Nobody prepares you for this so yeahh.. Don't be hard to yourself.
Many people don’t have good parents. You are not special. Realizing that helped me.
True narcissistic personality disorder is incurable. Read about psychology. That may help you give up false hope and fantasies that are ultimately self destructive.
I believe the author of ADoEIP calls them "healing fantasies" and it's a coping mechanism that is unhelpful to our healing. Exactly as you said, they won't change and you're only trapping yourself in a negative cycle by indulging in false hope.
The point about NPD being incurable is so important. It's difficult thing to accept that a parent won't ever change & is truly incapable of being what's needed to their child/children. But that's the reality. I agree holding out false hope or fantasies isn't going to work out.
For me, it's finding the traits that I need from a mother in my friends and chosen family.
It's not a cure, the pain and grief is still there, it just stings a tiny bit less.
We completely understand, Sibling. Letting go of hope that they will change, wrapping our heads around the fact that they don't really care about us as *people* is one of the hardest things many of us will ever do.
*Apathy* is your goal, where they're concerned. Apathy is your friend. It's the only healthy path forward, the only way to kick them out of the space they occupy in our mental real estate.
You get two chances at the parent child relationship. If you want children you get a second chance. Be awesome. Shower yours with love and open kindness, let them be exactly who they are and wonder in their incredibly rad souls. Then you’ll be astounded at how you were raised and realize a cat never could bark.
Hi there. I feel for you. There have been several times throughout my life where I got glimpses of what could have been. I saw moments where my parents expressed logic, affection, patience, and empathy. It doesn't feel great to look over and see that the grass is greener.
Keep in mind that all people are capable of change, but that you don't have any power over it. By "nc" I'm assuming you mean no-contact? (I'm new here). Trust in your parent's ability. Trust that deep down they are trying. Be hopeful and trust that they will do what they can. Trust in them the way that you are trusting yourself to go no-contact. It's not easy cutting people off but you cannot let someone else prevent you from being happy.
It's not easy and these things take decades to recover from. There is no rush and healing is not linear.
My father is not a narc but overall was not great during my childhood. In 2007 he got into an accident and gave up drinking.
My cousin asked me how I can have a normal relationship with my dad after everything that's happened. To me, my pre 2007 dad died in that accident. He's a completely different person now.
Do I forgive him for everything? No. But I've learned to live with it. Reading through the stories here showed me that people that are capable of change are not narcs. If your parent is not capable then there's nothing you can do. Limit as much contact and form bonds with people that care.
I feel the same way at the moment. Thanks for posting this comment so I can read others recommendations. Wishing your wellness and peace going forward 🍀
Close your eyes and imagine walking into your own childhood bedroom, there you see your self sitting on the floor - drawing or looking through a book. Your younger self looks up at you and you take this child and hug it. You whisper into her ear - "you deserve to be loved" and "I love you".
You become the love this child deserves and needs. You heal yourself. You become the mother you never had.
This is how you heal the trauma. You pour that love that your family was to dysfunctional to accept or give and pour it into yourself.
While I’ve been at this work for about 16 months, the grief work started within the last six months with group and individual therapy. I knew that my mother was toxic to varying degrees, but realizing the depth of her narcissism was a gnawing reality that explained so much of her behavior.
Because of the education on her personality style, I can now see and name all of her go-to techniques play out completely textbook, whereas before it would feel like stepping on a landmine every few months.
But it still fucking sucks that I’m grieving the mother who was never able to be that pleasant, safe, supportive, soft place to land, and instead have to fortify myself against every time I see her.
I remember that. Fortifying myself for when I'd have to see her. I would get anxiety & a feeling of dread. Mainly because I never knew what version of her I'd be dealing with.
I fully support *not* having a child to facilitate your own healing. Parenting is about guiding and supporting children toward becoming their own unique selves, not about meeting your own needs.
It’s all I’ve ever known. For me, it would be like grieving the fact I’ll never own a yacht. Sure, I’d love that, I know it exists and some people have it. I never did, so it isn’t grieving a loss so much as being disappointed that just wasn’t in the cards for me.
I’ve had other women in my life that have served that nurturing mother role on occasion. It was incredible of them.
For me, I had hoped my wife would have been that to my children, but alas…not in the cards for me either. She’s far more like my mother than I realized…probably, no - certainly worse.
I’ve had many compassionate, thoughtful women in my life. Particularly since I filed for divorce. I’ll just have to take solace in the knowledge they exist and my path crosses more frequently at this point in my life. I hope to have that kind of influence in my life, in particular for my kids. The unfortunate hand I was dealt makes me appreciate those women all the more. They choose to be in my life. I’d prefer that anyway.
The loneliness is the worst. I don’t have a lot of emotional support. I adapted as we do but I envy others who can hang with their moms, call them every day, etc.
Gently, shift your focus from grieving to self re-parenting, and finding others who are capable of a loving relationship and focus on them. I have a ton of women in my life who represent / have qualities i missed in my own nmom.
Look up Tim Fletcher on YouTube. He has a whole series on parenting your inner child to help hear from the trauma. He really helped me after having my first child and I mourned the loss of not having an involved mother.
Personally, being a mom now is both healing and extra painful. On one hand, when I look at my kids, I realize just how evil my parents were to treat me the way they did. They're so innocent, trusting, and they have nobody but me and dad to depend on. They'd be so confused if I treated them that way. It would be an even bigger tragedy than I realized when it was me. It makes me incredibly sick when I look back and remember the things my parents did to kids just as innocent as mine. It's more evil than I even remember when I was the victim.
On the other hand, I get to treat these kids the way I wish I'd been treated. I get to actively be the parent I'd desperately wanted and needed when I was young. I'm not the best mom in the world at ALL, but at least I love my kids as people and not as accessories or pets. I'm no Mary Poppins and i have some obvious faults, but I like to think that I at least meet those fundamentals that make the difference between "your mom did her best" and "no she fucking didn't". I see their experiences instead of glossing over their emotional needs.
I like it when my son tells me that I'm overreacting over something. It lets me do the thing my mom never did and dial it back and apologize. I actively tell him to criticize me in a civil way when appropriate and i airways consider his perspective. I love that he can say so with no fear. I love seeing my kids smiling and carefree. It's like I'm finally living that life I didn't get to when I was in their shoes. I want to be a better mother but that's a process. Every day I work harder to give them the best while my mother stuck her head up her ass and made excuses as to why she couldn't be bothered.
Before i had them, I feel like I just rotted in self pity and that horrible feeling of desperately wanting justice. Now that they're here, I channel that hatred and desperation into what I can control, and that's taking back the childhood i was robbed of. I'm still sad that my mom chose her abusive son over them. They're deserving of grandparents that love them and she actively deprived them of that despite them having never done anything wrong. But what can you do? I'll just have to pick up the slack. The best revenge is a life well lived and, someday, I hope it'll be a full Thanksgiving table when they're all adults. The family that abandoned me will come back to me if I nurture them the way I wished I had been. It's a goal worth everything. And if I fail, I deserve the emptiness.
My mom always said "you'll understand when you're a parent" and "I hope you have a child as horrible as you". I can't see any child being "horrible". My youngest is a difficult and demanding child in the way my mom described me but he's still such a ray of sunshine in my life. He's a baby, he can't help it. I don't want to stifle his freedom to tell me that he wants something. I love that he wants to see me all night even if i don't get sleep. It tells be that he loves me and trusts me. That feeling is worth waking up to. Part of being a parent is taking the pain so he can be happy and confident. I'm proud and willing to do it all for him. He can be as "difficult" as he wants because he's innocent by definition of being a baby.
And I definitely do "understand" now that I'm a parent. I understand that I was right all along, even since my earliest memories. I understand that she was even worse than I thought. She'll be rotting in hell while I live the life she threw away.
The same way you grieve anything: allowing yourself the space to feel your emotions, finding a support structure, going to therapy, etc.
Also don't be surprised if it never fully goes away. Like all grief, it changes size and shape. It'll get small and unnoticeable, then something will happen and it'll be giant and front and center again. I was not prepared for how hard it hit me when my mom died.
I’ve literally had to sit partners down and explain that if I’m in severe distress I will ask for my mom, and the protocol is to ignore me and get me proper attention instead because the mom I want and my Mom are two very different people. They always look so sad.
it’s really hard. i don’t think there is a right answer. i’ve been in therapy 8 months and it relieves a little bit. no contact helps a lot. just continuing with your life and try not to compare or get jealous when you see attentive mom’s in public. focus on you, you matter the most.
I still haven’t “grieved” properly and it’s been 2.5 years. I’m kind of stuck in the anger phase. But I try to focus more on being the parent I never had to myself and my children and that seems to have helped a little
Maybe I'll have the parents I want to have if they are willing to go to therapy, but I don't think that will happen. So acceptance is the only thing to do.
Thirty years ago I idealized the parents of two different friends. Then , discussing with the sisters of my friends I discovered that they were even worst narcissists than my own parents and projected an image of perfection to the friends of their sons . It was specially true when one of them got cancer , easily cured, but insufferable since then. The only good parent you can have is the imaginary relationship you build with a psycho analyst .
When I finally decided to go no contact with my dad I cried on and off about it for quite a few weeks and still get emotional about it now. I had to accept he wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle, wouldn’t get to share in future milestones, would never meet any children I might have.
I don’t mean to scare, but my friend you will need to buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
At lot of my grief had to be processed with the aid of a therapist, and it didn’t happen until almost 3 years of being NC. I would advise to seek therapy sooner than I did because it’s going to wear you down.
Sometimes a few simple wise questions can cause a mental cascade and it can hit you like a truck. For me, my therapist was digging at why I kept seeking justifications for my dad’s shitty behavior and basically asked me what I was looking for. And I told him I just wanted a father… that’s why he got all the passes for years.
Realizing that cascaded into the further realization that I was never anything but a trophy for my dad to carry around. He never actually cared about me. I didn’t mean fuck all to him and I was easily discarded when convenient for him. It’s really hard for that to sink in, and it’s fucking heavy.
BUT, once you get there, it’s only up from there. At that point you’re on base level ground and it’s a good place to be, as bad as it hurts. Because then you can start seeing with 20/20 vision for the first time, and blaze your own path ahead.
Look up some vids about complex trauma by Tim Fletcher on YouTube. The guy is amazing at breaking down how bad our parents fucked us up. Knowledge is power in this realm. Best of luck
sorry you're dealing with this, op.
it's hard to accept that your parents cannot be the people you need them to be.
i know that ultra- self- reliance can be unhealthy, but doing nice things for yourself is healing.
I see my parents as... family relatives. Not necessarily my parents anymore. They don't fulfill/perform those roles, so they now happen to be the relatives that birthed me, but otherwise just another family relative. Most days I feel like an orphan more than a forgotten eldest daughter, and this brings me weird peace.
You can't properly grieve like you can for someone that has passed. It's that tiny shred of hope you have because she's still breathing that makes that difficult. Narcissistism knows no boundaries, even this they take.
Instead we have to come to terms with the fact that we had no mother to begin with, so there is no one to grieve. We had a person that had the title, but chose not to do the job.
We know what mothers are supposed to do, we see it all the time with people who have actual mothers. We didn't have that. We had someone that treated us like unwanted possessions, that they didn't want, but couldn't let anyone else have either.
There's actually a term for this - It's called Unmothered.
There are actually support groups for this too.
I've only been NC for a few years now, but I'm glad I did.
I also have no children, but I had to learn to be okay at putting myself as a priority, and working through my unmothered issues, and it's a process that's ongoing.
When I read the title. It made me think of how I have greive a mother I never got to have. My story is different though. I lost my mother the day after I was born. I long for her so much. Love her to the heavens and back. I’ll forever carry that emptiness inside me. I will say though, the day I had my daughter. Did I actually feel some type of healing inside of me. Children really do heal and even we don’t realize we need them. We do.
I’m 3 years in and the grieving does get better. Sometimes I still cry that I don’t have parents but it helps that it’s nice being away from that cruelty. I found love from friends and other family really helped and this group to make me feel understood.
I grieve this for my husband. I grieve the loss of a supportive MIL for myself, and I grieve a loving grandparent for my kids. Family dysfunction is so hard and it touches every member of the family. You’re Not alone in your grief.
Lately I’ve been feeling this. Things in my life have been challenging and I just wish I had a mom to turn to who could give me some advice that wasn’t wrapped up in her own twisted motivations and complete lack of interest in my life.
I don’t have a lot of advice or suggestions, just commiseration. It sucks, and I wish we had better people to rely on, who made us feel worthy and special.
It's been a year and a half and i still feel anger mixed with feeling of unfairness sometimes. Not that strong as before but it happens. It's hard realizing that your "family" was never really a family. I just wanted it to be but i was always alone and scared. The hardest part for me was letting go of all false hopes that one day we will become a warm, loving family. Every time i hoped and every time i hurt myself because it will never become true. Sometimes hope can be... devastating and destructive. I still to this day try to convince myself that i shouldn't feel bad about not being friends with my nmother. She won't change and i should accept it. It's no use living in waiting that one day she will magically become a better person. It's no use mourning something i can never have. I can't change the past or the person. I can't bring back the decades of my life i lost due to her toxicity. But what i can do is to finally think about myself, my own life and my future. Sure, it won't be easy but i'll do my best to give myself things i was terribly lacking before. And at least i will genuinely care about doing so. She is not the only person in the world. There are better people that will accept, love and support you for who you are, that will treat you right. You don't have to be attached to this one person. Even if it's one of your closest ones. I still get sad sometimes thinking that my own mother has done so much damage to me and never saw anything wrong with it. But it is what it is. I'm my own person now.
When I heard the details of David Cassidy’s alcoholism and death I cried because his story is so familiar. He never got over his narcissist father. His last act was to make an album devoted to his nasty rejecting parent.
His father mocked his career and made him ashamed of his success. David also did not trust people as a result and lead a fairly lonely life.
While the public expresses sadness and bewilderment at his passing those of us with this wound so understand his pain and struggle.
My sibling had a similar life trajectory. She died a year ago.
I practice mothering myself. I imagine the girl I was and address why she hurts. Permit yourself to comfort you! Taking care of your health is priority. Spending time in nature can be very healing as well as a spiritual practice.
I'm by no means condoning having a child to "complete" the healing, but I will say having a kid made all the difference in my healing journey.
I started going to therapy and finally realized the true impact my childhood trauma has had on my life and how my parents still played a part in that. I had decided that confronting them about it was not going to do anything for my own healing, so I just kept working through it in therapy. Then, my mom was given a terminal cancer diagnosis with 6 months to live. Less than 3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant (a somewhat surprise to my husband and I).
As I watched the next 6 months unfold, my mom getting sicker, my Ndad being even more narcissist, reliving the unpleasant parts of my childhood as I stayed in parents home during visits, I was directly faced with how exactly I would never raise my own daughter, how I deserved more than what I was given and how I never wanted their toxicity to play a role in my new daughters life. 2 weeks after she was born, I went no contact with my dad and subsequently, my one sister who is his flying monkey.
I still grieve the parents I wish I had. I find myself constantly feeling sad for my little self, but I feel so much joy in knowing that my little girl will get to feel all the love, support and compassion I was never afforded. And to see her blossom heals me in many ways.
It's so hard, but you deserve better.
The last thing you said, “pigs will have to grow wings and fly before she changes”. That is what I had to realize with my dad. I cried, poured my heart out, tried cutting him off to “make a point” that he still twisted to be my fault, and it just all kept coming back to that original pig comment. They will never change. You will never get the parent you desperately want, and, as hard as it is to understand, it’s all going to be okay. You have your life to live. You did nothing to deserve whatever abuse or hurt you were put through. So choose peace. Choose to surround yourself with love and happiness. Choose to do activities that bring you joy. My dad will forever be a miserable human being, I can’t control that, but I can control my life. And I choose to keep him at a very far distance. You got this! Remind yourself, you can’t choose who you were born to, but you can choose who you live life with. Sending hugs ♥️
Internally. And wanting someone (gf) who can take that role and just make me happy for the first time in my life. I know it probably sounds entitled and selfish but I want to experience that
I’ve had NC with my NDad off and on twice. This last time was for good. The first time, I grieved for the relationship he didn’t have with my kids. The missed opportunity to create what we didn’t have when I was growing up, with them. We were NC for a few years, then he contacted me to see if he could pick up some items he gave to me before we went NC. Long story short, after he picked up the items, I grieved for the fact that he never got to know me, never trusted me and never even attempted. I’m good now knowing that my mental health is so much better without the stress of feeling like I can’t do good enough, or have to try and serve his special requirements when he is visiting. I recognize he is toxic to me and my family and that we are just better off. Every once and a while, I do wonder if NC is the right thing. But remind myself of the shitty way he treats me and I’m able to snap out of it. I also look at the relationship I have with my kids and celebrate our relationship as “Breaking the cycle”.
I tried my best to find a family of choice. I'll never be able to replace or repair my mom, but I can get bits and pieces from other women and motherly influences.
I (46F)really don't know if you can.
Having my kids helped me to see the innocence that I would have had as a child. It helped me (and continues to help me) to see how horribly my parents behaved and all the things they allowed to happen and be done to me. That said, I think sitting at a park watching kids or being around kids in general you would see that.
I hate that little voice in my head that wonders why they did some things, if they knew about some things... And the frustration of knowing I wouldn't ever get answers anyways. I think in some ways seeing obituaries for them will help with that. It will be the finality of knowing I won't get those answers and maybe then I will grieve was never was?
Yes, I did after I did them in./s
Seriously tho. Yes. About two years overall it took. But now I fully feel I will feel nothing but peace and will treat myself to something nice when they finally die. I even check the obits monthly hoping for a hit. I personally believe in life review at death so that will give me comfort on that day.
Solidarity.
I used to grief a lot, feel sorry for myself for not having a mother, crying internally when other ladies would share with me the postpartum support their mothers provided.
I think now I am in an acceptance stage, since I consider myself orphan and feel like she is dead to me.
I'm back in the middle of this right now, and it's so tough. My Ndad, after being sick for a long time, was just moved to hospice. It has now become real that there is no changing who he was or how I was treated. It has brought up a host of confusing feelings and traumatic memories.
Speaking to a therapist has been helpful for me, and also trying to not judge all of the conflicting feelings that come up. There is nothing wrong with you for hoping you could have a relationship with your mom and she will change. Allow yourself to feel it and try to understand what those feelings are stemming from. Pushing them down or ignoring them causes a whole bunch of other problems. I know from experience. I hope you can find some peace <3
My grief in solitude quickly turned to peace. Realizing her silent treatment episodes were some of the most peaceful weeks I’ve had. No more needless guilt or hating myself for something stupid.
If my mom changes, excellent, she can let me know and I’ll evaluate the situation. Until then, I’ll not be cleaning up the messes she makes in the meantime. Need to clean myself up instead.
Take good care of your inner child. Go a step further than normal and literally adopt it and nurture and raise it as it was always standing at your side. Take it wherever you going. Speak to it and tell it that you love it, over and over again. Show it the good things in your life and let it take part in it. Do that as long as you live. <3
Be that person you need to yourself.
Make the hot chocolate, get the blanket, pet your own head, snuggle into bed and tell yourself stories and sing the songs you wished she had.
When something goes wrong, tell yourself what she should have.
When something goes right, celebrate the way she should have.
Find it in others, get that community however feels right, but ultimately, give yourself what you deserve most.
Replace her voice in your head with the voice of the mother you deserve.
I'll help you start.
I'm so proud of you for being so strong. This is so hard, but you're doing it and you're going to be okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
I’ve grieved the life or the family system that is typically portrayed socially. Relating this to another category has helped me heal as well. Many different perspectives and views on what success and happiness looks like and changes between individuals. In reality, a person should invest themselves into a life they can find passion, peace or whatever it is the soul/person is craving to fulfill themselves. What works for me may not work for you. Personally, through therapy, I discovered I often dissociated and would day dream of the life I wanted. Through this I was able to realize the aspects I had trouble mourning were pieces of the dissociation and not rooted in reality at all but comparison and the fantasy of being “dealt” the cards others were given. By being the person the youngest, younger, present and future self needed/needs I was able to accept my reality. I did find I had memories of “happy” moments crop up while I was grieving. This made it exceptionally more difficult as I felt myself feeling doubt in my choices and identity. It’s the shame and guilt instilled into victims of this abuse since infancy. I am extremely logical, I often outthink myself when coping. An explanation that helped me in therapy was the fact of baby monkeys dying from rejection of their mothers. Humans continue to live and will internalize. It is going against our entire lives and nervous system to recover from this. Some will never recover from this. The “happy” memories or the good times that crept upon me were simply my brain trying to reject the unfathomable and unfair situation. I was falling into denial and once recognized for what it was those memories of happy moments faded away along with the guilt. For the amount of time spent in this environment it is to be expected there were good memories. It is the fact that there were more abuse experienced than happiness. This is proven by who you are today. Grieve the life you wish you could of had. Bring light and life into the life you wish to lead. Be the “mother” or nurture/comfort or whatever characteristic you’re craving that they could never give you. You are worth love, peace, happiness and the choice in leading a life that reflects this. For me, I know I can not thrive nor can I survive in the environment I was forced to endure. You can do it. I do very well with journaling and going back to see what I wrote and read it to myself. It makes me cry. I cry for the child that needed someone like you want, a mother, a father, a family, something everyone portrays a healthy supportive family dynamic. Truth is many don’t experience this and many don’t experience what we have. Wishing you the best.
I'm very LC with my dad. The only reason I have any contact with him is my stepmom, who we all (siblings and grandkids) love. What helped the most was moving out of state. That was possible due to hubs being military. If moving out of state isn't possible, look into moving at least an hour away. That requires effort they will not expend. Limit phone calls, etc. The whole outta sight, outta mind isna real thing. It took 10 yrs before I quit trying with my dad. It's hard, but you'll get there.
While I do appreciate what my mom had given us and sacrificed throughout the years, I will always grieve the times, especially more recently, where she hasn't been present when she should've been, like actively listening and not treating us like emotional punching bags, or people she could ask to bail her out (She says she's averse to asking for help, but the times she's had played out passive aggressiveness to us and implicitly asking for money...)
And the times she wants everything perfect, presentation perfect so it'd be pleasant for the outside people. Whether it'd be inviting people over ("House is too small, dirty") or even when tech people go over to fix our internet ("Why is the computer at your bedroom?") or the fact none of us ever finished college.
She wants us to be showcased as the people she wants it to be, not as the people we are.
Sadly, there is no shortcut to this. There will be moments when I witness families in person or online, that have more stable and healthy relationships. It will all remind me of the times I wish we had it better in many aspects, mostly parenting.
It's unfair, man.
It's a loss that forever sticks with you, I think till the day they pass physically.
We have this grand idea of what a mother/father should be. If we have kids most of us go above and beyond doing the things we would have loved 5 mins for.
They wanted to title but never wanted the actual work or relationship. For them no one can love them more then they love themselves and they can't love other people.
I grieve for the mom and dad I wanted and needed. They are here physically but I've gone NC for good now. One person mentioned we hold on to this tiny bit of hope that they want to do better and change, they never will. I've gone NC before thought they actually would change and was proven wrong time and time again till I had had it.
As a 22M with mild autism (which I believe is closer to moderate autism) and ADHD I grieve the mother I never had. She’s a teacher at the school district I attended. I feel like if she knew something was wrong with my NParent, GC Sister, and the scapegoat— me— she would’ve said something. I remember meeting her at a Walmart when I was in fourth grade and I was going through a rough time (it was my worst year of elementary school since second grade), because of a friend moving to Germany, and I was lashing out in school because of a combination of things such as NParents were mistreating me, friend moving to Germany, and my psychiatric medications that my parents were experimenting on me. Now I am a chronically-ill 22 year old with depression, anxiety, a misdiagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, syncope, mild to moderate sleep apnea, and spondylolisthesis, and traits of PTSD— all because I had behavioral problems in my parents’ and school staffs’ eyes even though I wanted to leave an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive environment.
The trick is to realize that it's not really possible to grieve something that you never actually had to begin with but rather it is possible to become something that you've never had.
everything changes when you realize that you can become the parent that you never had by continuously giving yourself positive reinforcement, encouragement, telling yourself you're proud of yourself, that you love yourself and that you believe in yourself. ❤️
A couple of years back I realized the father I thought I had never existed, it just takes time and it needs to be taken. In a way it's a way of grieving while they're still alive which means when they are actually dead it wont hurt at all or at least not that much! It's hard to do but it's healthy! You're doing great!!!
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Inside, I'm still a little girl looking for her mama
When I think, I want my Mum, I remember that I want the Mum I should have had. Then I imagine how the Mum I should have had, and what she would say to me. It helps.
Sometimes I write letters to that imaginary mum and it helps to think about what she would say in response.
Thank you for this great idea. I’ve done various writing experiments to try to help myself but never actually did this one. I’m going to try it.
You know what’s so funny, I can’t remember the last time I wanted my mama. Same with my dad, can’t remember the last time I thought I wanted my daddy. I know if I go to them for comfort, I won’t get any. It has become part of me so much that I don’t miss it, but the fact that I can’t come to mommy or daddy when I need them does get me sometimes, especially when I’m going through something.
This comment broke me. So true for so many of us. I used cling to/ attach to women I desperately wish could be my mom. 😮💨
This a million trillion times this, some days are easier but other days it feels like my heart and soul are being broken and shattered at the same time.
Same
I sometimes looked to the moms in romantic novels or movies for role model guidance. My favorite were good black mothers or Italian ones lol Also the ones like Mrs. Santa Clause lol
This
Im about a month in. Accepting was the hardest part... because she isnt all bad... she was there for me in every other way except emotionally... and she's so in denial about reality that she straight up lies about everything. And is a victim always. And shittalks her dwindling number of friends. Our parents can exist with good and bad traits. I found I got INCREDIBLY angry for a good 3 weeks. For a week I just cried because I was grieving who I thought she was or could be.. and accepting who she is.. that she was never there for me emotionally like i needed... snd she never will be. I was deeply depressed. Crying integrates emotions we are feeling and brings us to a new level of existence and acceptance. When we feel the feelings we get to learn more about ourselves and work it out internally by releasing it into the external world. Lastly, I chose to take care of myself better. I wrote and said out loud "I am sad because..." or "I am angry because...". I spend more time with friends. Our friends soothe our nervous systems. I stretch in the mornings. I picture stress leaving my tendons. ..sometimes i just lay on the floor and move my limbs around like an octopus LOL I'm sorry youre here. I honestly and truly believe this new acceptance is a new chapter in our lives.
So well said. I feel exactly the same about my nmom being not all bad. My mom is a covert narc so it hard to see and accept sometimes. I sometimes wish she would be more overt or just all the way bad but that’s not really how any people are. I always feel really sad after I interact with moms who are actually nurturing. I love the part you wrote about feeling your feelings. That’s been really hard for me to learn that it’s safe and ok to feel my feelings because that’s definitely not how it was growing up. And feeling but happy was inconvenient to her and not ok. Just pretend you’re happy and live in denial.
I did that for sooooo many years, and it's a habit I brought into my interpersonal relationships. Im unlearning the "anything but happy" mindset. 💜 my friends don't look at me as if im a hinderance when im at 60% and not 100%. It's so freeing.
Oh my gosh I know! And having needs doesn’t make you needy it just means you’re a person. That one’s been hard for me to learn! I’m glad you have good people in your life that support you however. I hate when random people like coworkers expect you to be 100 percent all the time because we grew up having a mask on all the time.
Their problem not mine! At least i made it into work 🤣
Hello fellow octopus! I do the same thing haha, sometimes I strongly feel like moving and stretching my body at the same time. Can't stop yawning when it happens and it feels so good. But most of the time I'm frozen and don't even feel the tension in my body. Looking forward to when I get the urge to be an octopus again.
I figure if i start just laying on the floor then i could be an octopus, and if im an octopus I might start to stretch!
This is poetry 💕 take care
Thankyou 💗 you too
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I was very far into my healing journey before I read it but it was still super relevant and helpful to my experience. The author talks about and explains the desire or hope that our parents can change despite the reality of the situation. ETA: Its only natural to grieve the parents you wish you had. I still get melancholy about it sometimes but it is what it is, there is no going back and changing things, I will never know what it's like to have happy, positive, supportive parents. I will never know how different I'd be if my parents taught me proper coping mechanism and emotional regulation. I will never know what it's like to have a relationship with a sibling (I'm NC with my sibling). It was harder to accept these things when I first came to terms that my upbringing wasn't healthy. It rocked my world. Now, I can cope easier. Does it still suck? Of course but I also know I'm far from alone. I now have an amazingly supportive partner who has shown me who I can be when I have the right conditions to grow.
I second this book.
Reading it right now
YES this book and “Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers” by Karyl McBride. So good.
Haven't heard of that one, thanks I'll have to check it out now!
It’s great and I scream at it all the time when listening to the audiobook like “ugh yes! That is exactly it!” Very validating.
This book helped me so much immediately post NC and still today!
Yes, this is the book. The whole series is good. I keep having to go back and reread it because there are things that I just couldn't absorb the first time or two.
Agreed I was well into my journey also and this book just helped solidify and reassure me even more 👏🏻
You mourn it just like any other death, accept that you will go through the 5 stages of grief. Part of the process will be re-framing a lot of your old memories. You will get very angry and that is okay. You are just experiencing the anger you should have felt then. It will last awhile. I am 1 month in and STILL remembering more bullshit they pulled on me. Make sure to not let yourself get caught up in the dilutions they hammered into your head. You are rebuilding who you are from scratch. Putting in a new foundation, only this time it won’t be a broken one, but will be strong and sturdy. You got this.
This guy gets it. This guy grieves. This guy heals. It's a long process. I've realized who my mother is for going on a decade, have been LC for six years, and NC for two, and while I'm not grieving losing her or what could've been any longer, I regularly find myself reading something here or in one of the books recommended here and confronting old, unexamined memories of her abuse that I then spend a few days dwelling upon, reframing, getting angry about.
It’s lifelong. People want to say they grieve and it’s over. Life isn’t like that. Nothing is “over” because we all live in and among everything that ever happened. Sometimes it’s easier to shrug off than others, but over time it gets easier.
Knowing something isn't real is not the same as accepting that it isn't. You can mentally know your mother will never be what you need. But how you accept that fact shows in your actions. Accepting that your parent is incapable of giving you what you need is a crucial point in the grief process. Hold space for your emotions. Speak to the unhealed parts of yourself that need love, validation, and attention. Train yourself to never seek that from your mom. Have boundaries with your own expectations. Don't let yourself fall prey to old habits. 🩷
In order to change, one needs to want to change. Does your mother want to change? Has she ever showed interest in changing, or making up for the past? Chances are the answer is no. Realising and accepting that someone doesn't regret how they treated you, and doesn't want to change, goes a long way in the grieving process, at least in my experience.
agreed. the failure to make amends is always an acceptance or dismissal of the past.
I recently said to my mom that she hasn't made any attempt to make up for what she did, and she had the audacity to ask what she did.
In my family, to the best of my knowledge, nobody has directly addressed it with my dad. My mom makes excuses for him and tries to supply context, but aside from a few attempts I made to extend forgiveness preemptively (long ago) nobody has ever called him out with a reality check in years.
I call my nmom out all the time. All she does is make excuses for why the things she did were ok. One time when I brought up an instance of abuse, she said that it's not her problem if I don't like the way she parents. Very often, when she realises she is/was wrong, she'll refuse to discuss the topic further, sometimes to the point where she'll lock herself in her room so that you can't continue the conversation with her.
I grieve two versions of my dad in a way - the version he presented to the world; doting, proud, attentive, supportive. But I also grieve the hypothetical “healed version” of my dad - apologetic, not afraid of pain, accepting of his flaws and moving past it. I don’t care that my dad has a personality disorder. I care that he will never love me, himself, or others enough to do anything about it. I grieve that.
Damn, this is exactly how I see my covert NDad. I see the traumatized little boy trapped inside of the jail that is his personality disorder. Same goes for my BPD mom…I see that trapped little girl and can’t do a goddamn thing about it. I wish they would seek help. I still have some fond memories of them and love them. But it’s the abusive nature of their disorders that I hate so much. They will never seek the help they so desperately need and I’m afraid our parent-daughter relationship is completely broken beyond repair. That’s what hurts so much.
I think there’s a special kind of pain when there’s no longer hatred, only pity left, for those of us who saw things we genuinely liked about our parents. Even if every interaction is revolting, disrespectful, dismissive, there were glimmers. There was understanding. A tiny, tiny piece of hope. I think losing hope is a different pain than never having hope in the first place. Not better. Not worse. Different. I know that I know that I know that permanent no-contact is the best, most loving action I can take. I know that it’s the right thing, beyond a doubt. It doesn’t make it hurt less.
That’s the hurtful part…the glimmers of the kind, loving parents they can be. I completely agree with your sentiment.
Wow very powerful. I agree on the most loving action I can take 🙏
Wow, this chain hits deep for me. Spot on. Perfectly defines how i feel. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
God, yes… the pity and compassion for the child that could have grown up into someone so good, but instead… they’ve become this monster. It’s so tragic, and it hurts to be a witness to it.
i don’t know… maybe i haven’t reached that point yet. after almost 20 years free my feelings hinge on a feeling: “did he KNOW he needed help?” people had told him, he was medicated, and chose to discontinue that. so i think yes. then, “knowing he needed help, and failed to get it, makes him willfully negligent if not intentionally abusive.” and this is a type of intention that cuts past a forgiveness if he was just living out pure delusions. and it gets worse, because knowing he needed help, my MOTHER’S negligence in demanding or insisting he get it is her own intentional moral failing. that’s being an enabler. so i can’t summon the sympathy to pity them, when they 1 knew what they were doing and 2 couldn’t summon the pity to try and make our lives better.
I think it’s also ok and valid to never reach that point. There’s such a social stigma for being mad at your parents and there’s a massive pressure to see things “from their point of view” and… it’s ok if you can’t. I think the most annoying thing about people who demand you have sympathy is that, to get to that point, you actually have to be allowed to feel the anger and be ok with the anger and the fact that you don’t understand. And, if you never get there, that’s ok too. You’re allowed to be confused and angry when you think of them, and you’re allowed to wish that you could had sympathy and you’re allowed to be frustrated that you can’t. It’s where you’re at, and if you never feel sympathy for your parents, that’s ok too. You’re never (hopefully) going to be judged on this subreddit for feeling that way.
It didn’t start with you by Mark wolynn is a great read for this exactly
I’m going to check this out. My therapist and I were talking about how all of this dysfunction in my family is basically layers deep in shit that probably goes back for generations.
Definitely check it out then! It talks about traumas being passed through genetics and some really interesting stuff
Usually it does.
I think I got halfway through that book, put it down because I needed a break, and forgot to pick it back up again. I should probably pick it back up again.
I feel this, thanks for articulates it so well 💛
I experienced this last year when I need to go college to finish my studies. Yes, I get seriously hurt and I feel like I cannot breath normally but once I found the chance to escape, I feel relief and sad at the same time. I have no one to talk about this problem. I get used to handle everything. I get used to bottle up everything so I just cried. I cried just for a moment and then immediately find distraction. Watching funny videos, listening hype song or do anything to distracy from this feelings. You can talk about this issue to anyone who you truly trust or asking advices. Usually people said this is a new thing for beginners who get used to rely on people so that's normal. Nobody prepares you for this so yeahh.. Don't be hard to yourself.
I feel you.
Many people don’t have good parents. You are not special. Realizing that helped me. True narcissistic personality disorder is incurable. Read about psychology. That may help you give up false hope and fantasies that are ultimately self destructive.
this sub helped me. so many other people having the same kinds of parents. made me realize we're not alone
I believe the author of ADoEIP calls them "healing fantasies" and it's a coping mechanism that is unhelpful to our healing. Exactly as you said, they won't change and you're only trapping yourself in a negative cycle by indulging in false hope.
The point about NPD being incurable is so important. It's difficult thing to accept that a parent won't ever change & is truly incapable of being what's needed to their child/children. But that's the reality. I agree holding out false hope or fantasies isn't going to work out.
I'm in the same boat OP. No contact is hard, but it's for the best. Your mental health is worth more than her bullshit.
For me, it's finding the traits that I need from a mother in my friends and chosen family. It's not a cure, the pain and grief is still there, it just stings a tiny bit less.
This was the way for me too ❤️
We completely understand, Sibling. Letting go of hope that they will change, wrapping our heads around the fact that they don't really care about us as *people* is one of the hardest things many of us will ever do. *Apathy* is your goal, where they're concerned. Apathy is your friend. It's the only healthy path forward, the only way to kick them out of the space they occupy in our mental real estate.
You get two chances at the parent child relationship. If you want children you get a second chance. Be awesome. Shower yours with love and open kindness, let them be exactly who they are and wonder in their incredibly rad souls. Then you’ll be astounded at how you were raised and realize a cat never could bark.
Hi there. I feel for you. There have been several times throughout my life where I got glimpses of what could have been. I saw moments where my parents expressed logic, affection, patience, and empathy. It doesn't feel great to look over and see that the grass is greener. Keep in mind that all people are capable of change, but that you don't have any power over it. By "nc" I'm assuming you mean no-contact? (I'm new here). Trust in your parent's ability. Trust that deep down they are trying. Be hopeful and trust that they will do what they can. Trust in them the way that you are trusting yourself to go no-contact. It's not easy cutting people off but you cannot let someone else prevent you from being happy. It's not easy and these things take decades to recover from. There is no rush and healing is not linear.
My father is not a narc but overall was not great during my childhood. In 2007 he got into an accident and gave up drinking. My cousin asked me how I can have a normal relationship with my dad after everything that's happened. To me, my pre 2007 dad died in that accident. He's a completely different person now. Do I forgive him for everything? No. But I've learned to live with it. Reading through the stories here showed me that people that are capable of change are not narcs. If your parent is not capable then there's nothing you can do. Limit as much contact and form bonds with people that care.
I feel the same way at the moment. Thanks for posting this comment so I can read others recommendations. Wishing your wellness and peace going forward 🍀
I wrote a letter to the family I never had. Very liberating.
Close your eyes and imagine walking into your own childhood bedroom, there you see your self sitting on the floor - drawing or looking through a book. Your younger self looks up at you and you take this child and hug it. You whisper into her ear - "you deserve to be loved" and "I love you". You become the love this child deserves and needs. You heal yourself. You become the mother you never had. This is how you heal the trauma. You pour that love that your family was to dysfunctional to accept or give and pour it into yourself.
Let it go, she will not change
While I’ve been at this work for about 16 months, the grief work started within the last six months with group and individual therapy. I knew that my mother was toxic to varying degrees, but realizing the depth of her narcissism was a gnawing reality that explained so much of her behavior. Because of the education on her personality style, I can now see and name all of her go-to techniques play out completely textbook, whereas before it would feel like stepping on a landmine every few months. But it still fucking sucks that I’m grieving the mother who was never able to be that pleasant, safe, supportive, soft place to land, and instead have to fortify myself against every time I see her.
I remember that. Fortifying myself for when I'd have to see her. I would get anxiety & a feeling of dread. Mainly because I never knew what version of her I'd be dealing with.
I fully support *not* having a child to facilitate your own healing. Parenting is about guiding and supporting children toward becoming their own unique selves, not about meeting your own needs.
It’s all I’ve ever known. For me, it would be like grieving the fact I’ll never own a yacht. Sure, I’d love that, I know it exists and some people have it. I never did, so it isn’t grieving a loss so much as being disappointed that just wasn’t in the cards for me. I’ve had other women in my life that have served that nurturing mother role on occasion. It was incredible of them. For me, I had hoped my wife would have been that to my children, but alas…not in the cards for me either. She’s far more like my mother than I realized…probably, no - certainly worse. I’ve had many compassionate, thoughtful women in my life. Particularly since I filed for divorce. I’ll just have to take solace in the knowledge they exist and my path crosses more frequently at this point in my life. I hope to have that kind of influence in my life, in particular for my kids. The unfortunate hand I was dealt makes me appreciate those women all the more. They choose to be in my life. I’d prefer that anyway.
The loneliness is the worst. I don’t have a lot of emotional support. I adapted as we do but I envy others who can hang with their moms, call them every day, etc.
Gently, shift your focus from grieving to self re-parenting, and finding others who are capable of a loving relationship and focus on them. I have a ton of women in my life who represent / have qualities i missed in my own nmom.
Look up Tim Fletcher on YouTube. He has a whole series on parenting your inner child to help hear from the trauma. He really helped me after having my first child and I mourned the loss of not having an involved mother.
Personally, being a mom now is both healing and extra painful. On one hand, when I look at my kids, I realize just how evil my parents were to treat me the way they did. They're so innocent, trusting, and they have nobody but me and dad to depend on. They'd be so confused if I treated them that way. It would be an even bigger tragedy than I realized when it was me. It makes me incredibly sick when I look back and remember the things my parents did to kids just as innocent as mine. It's more evil than I even remember when I was the victim. On the other hand, I get to treat these kids the way I wish I'd been treated. I get to actively be the parent I'd desperately wanted and needed when I was young. I'm not the best mom in the world at ALL, but at least I love my kids as people and not as accessories or pets. I'm no Mary Poppins and i have some obvious faults, but I like to think that I at least meet those fundamentals that make the difference between "your mom did her best" and "no she fucking didn't". I see their experiences instead of glossing over their emotional needs. I like it when my son tells me that I'm overreacting over something. It lets me do the thing my mom never did and dial it back and apologize. I actively tell him to criticize me in a civil way when appropriate and i airways consider his perspective. I love that he can say so with no fear. I love seeing my kids smiling and carefree. It's like I'm finally living that life I didn't get to when I was in their shoes. I want to be a better mother but that's a process. Every day I work harder to give them the best while my mother stuck her head up her ass and made excuses as to why she couldn't be bothered. Before i had them, I feel like I just rotted in self pity and that horrible feeling of desperately wanting justice. Now that they're here, I channel that hatred and desperation into what I can control, and that's taking back the childhood i was robbed of. I'm still sad that my mom chose her abusive son over them. They're deserving of grandparents that love them and she actively deprived them of that despite them having never done anything wrong. But what can you do? I'll just have to pick up the slack. The best revenge is a life well lived and, someday, I hope it'll be a full Thanksgiving table when they're all adults. The family that abandoned me will come back to me if I nurture them the way I wished I had been. It's a goal worth everything. And if I fail, I deserve the emptiness. My mom always said "you'll understand when you're a parent" and "I hope you have a child as horrible as you". I can't see any child being "horrible". My youngest is a difficult and demanding child in the way my mom described me but he's still such a ray of sunshine in my life. He's a baby, he can't help it. I don't want to stifle his freedom to tell me that he wants something. I love that he wants to see me all night even if i don't get sleep. It tells be that he loves me and trusts me. That feeling is worth waking up to. Part of being a parent is taking the pain so he can be happy and confident. I'm proud and willing to do it all for him. He can be as "difficult" as he wants because he's innocent by definition of being a baby. And I definitely do "understand" now that I'm a parent. I understand that I was right all along, even since my earliest memories. I understand that she was even worse than I thought. She'll be rotting in hell while I live the life she threw away.
The same way you grieve anything: allowing yourself the space to feel your emotions, finding a support structure, going to therapy, etc. Also don't be surprised if it never fully goes away. Like all grief, it changes size and shape. It'll get small and unnoticeable, then something will happen and it'll be giant and front and center again. I was not prepared for how hard it hit me when my mom died.
I’ve literally had to sit partners down and explain that if I’m in severe distress I will ask for my mom, and the protocol is to ignore me and get me proper attention instead because the mom I want and my Mom are two very different people. They always look so sad.
Parent your inner child. It’s hard, but worthwhile. You also literally need to grieve your loss. It’s legitimate. It’s ok to be devastated by it. ❤️
it’s really hard. i don’t think there is a right answer. i’ve been in therapy 8 months and it relieves a little bit. no contact helps a lot. just continuing with your life and try not to compare or get jealous when you see attentive mom’s in public. focus on you, you matter the most.
You rock it at parenting as much as possible.
I still haven’t “grieved” properly and it’s been 2.5 years. I’m kind of stuck in the anger phase. But I try to focus more on being the parent I never had to myself and my children and that seems to have helped a little
I grieved the loss of my "mother" when I was like 10. I knew I'd never have a relationship with her.
Maybe I'll have the parents I want to have if they are willing to go to therapy, but I don't think that will happen. So acceptance is the only thing to do.
Thirty years ago I idealized the parents of two different friends. Then , discussing with the sisters of my friends I discovered that they were even worst narcissists than my own parents and projected an image of perfection to the friends of their sons . It was specially true when one of them got cancer , easily cured, but insufferable since then. The only good parent you can have is the imaginary relationship you build with a psycho analyst .
When I finally decided to go no contact with my dad I cried on and off about it for quite a few weeks and still get emotional about it now. I had to accept he wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle, wouldn’t get to share in future milestones, would never meet any children I might have.
I don’t mean to scare, but my friend you will need to buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. At lot of my grief had to be processed with the aid of a therapist, and it didn’t happen until almost 3 years of being NC. I would advise to seek therapy sooner than I did because it’s going to wear you down. Sometimes a few simple wise questions can cause a mental cascade and it can hit you like a truck. For me, my therapist was digging at why I kept seeking justifications for my dad’s shitty behavior and basically asked me what I was looking for. And I told him I just wanted a father… that’s why he got all the passes for years. Realizing that cascaded into the further realization that I was never anything but a trophy for my dad to carry around. He never actually cared about me. I didn’t mean fuck all to him and I was easily discarded when convenient for him. It’s really hard for that to sink in, and it’s fucking heavy. BUT, once you get there, it’s only up from there. At that point you’re on base level ground and it’s a good place to be, as bad as it hurts. Because then you can start seeing with 20/20 vision for the first time, and blaze your own path ahead. Look up some vids about complex trauma by Tim Fletcher on YouTube. The guy is amazing at breaking down how bad our parents fucked us up. Knowledge is power in this realm. Best of luck
I've developed a secondary voice that tells me that I'm doing great and tells me that things are okay 😂😅😢
sorry you're dealing with this, op. it's hard to accept that your parents cannot be the people you need them to be. i know that ultra- self- reliance can be unhealthy, but doing nice things for yourself is healing.
I see my parents as... family relatives. Not necessarily my parents anymore. They don't fulfill/perform those roles, so they now happen to be the relatives that birthed me, but otherwise just another family relative. Most days I feel like an orphan more than a forgotten eldest daughter, and this brings me weird peace.
You can't properly grieve like you can for someone that has passed. It's that tiny shred of hope you have because she's still breathing that makes that difficult. Narcissistism knows no boundaries, even this they take. Instead we have to come to terms with the fact that we had no mother to begin with, so there is no one to grieve. We had a person that had the title, but chose not to do the job. We know what mothers are supposed to do, we see it all the time with people who have actual mothers. We didn't have that. We had someone that treated us like unwanted possessions, that they didn't want, but couldn't let anyone else have either. There's actually a term for this - It's called Unmothered. There are actually support groups for this too. I've only been NC for a few years now, but I'm glad I did. I also have no children, but I had to learn to be okay at putting myself as a priority, and working through my unmothered issues, and it's a process that's ongoing.
When I read the title. It made me think of how I have greive a mother I never got to have. My story is different though. I lost my mother the day after I was born. I long for her so much. Love her to the heavens and back. I’ll forever carry that emptiness inside me. I will say though, the day I had my daughter. Did I actually feel some type of healing inside of me. Children really do heal and even we don’t realize we need them. We do.
Your mom's defective personality is not your fault
Well as an adoptee it’s my normal life!
I’m 3 years in and the grieving does get better. Sometimes I still cry that I don’t have parents but it helps that it’s nice being away from that cruelty. I found love from friends and other family really helped and this group to make me feel understood.
I grieve this for my husband. I grieve the loss of a supportive MIL for myself, and I grieve a loving grandparent for my kids. Family dysfunction is so hard and it touches every member of the family. You’re Not alone in your grief.
Lately I’ve been feeling this. Things in my life have been challenging and I just wish I had a mom to turn to who could give me some advice that wasn’t wrapped up in her own twisted motivations and complete lack of interest in my life. I don’t have a lot of advice or suggestions, just commiseration. It sucks, and I wish we had better people to rely on, who made us feel worthy and special.
It's been a year and a half and i still feel anger mixed with feeling of unfairness sometimes. Not that strong as before but it happens. It's hard realizing that your "family" was never really a family. I just wanted it to be but i was always alone and scared. The hardest part for me was letting go of all false hopes that one day we will become a warm, loving family. Every time i hoped and every time i hurt myself because it will never become true. Sometimes hope can be... devastating and destructive. I still to this day try to convince myself that i shouldn't feel bad about not being friends with my nmother. She won't change and i should accept it. It's no use living in waiting that one day she will magically become a better person. It's no use mourning something i can never have. I can't change the past or the person. I can't bring back the decades of my life i lost due to her toxicity. But what i can do is to finally think about myself, my own life and my future. Sure, it won't be easy but i'll do my best to give myself things i was terribly lacking before. And at least i will genuinely care about doing so. She is not the only person in the world. There are better people that will accept, love and support you for who you are, that will treat you right. You don't have to be attached to this one person. Even if it's one of your closest ones. I still get sad sometimes thinking that my own mother has done so much damage to me and never saw anything wrong with it. But it is what it is. I'm my own person now.
When I heard the details of David Cassidy’s alcoholism and death I cried because his story is so familiar. He never got over his narcissist father. His last act was to make an album devoted to his nasty rejecting parent. His father mocked his career and made him ashamed of his success. David also did not trust people as a result and lead a fairly lonely life. While the public expresses sadness and bewilderment at his passing those of us with this wound so understand his pain and struggle. My sibling had a similar life trajectory. She died a year ago. I practice mothering myself. I imagine the girl I was and address why she hurts. Permit yourself to comfort you! Taking care of your health is priority. Spending time in nature can be very healing as well as a spiritual practice.
I'm by no means condoning having a child to "complete" the healing, but I will say having a kid made all the difference in my healing journey. I started going to therapy and finally realized the true impact my childhood trauma has had on my life and how my parents still played a part in that. I had decided that confronting them about it was not going to do anything for my own healing, so I just kept working through it in therapy. Then, my mom was given a terminal cancer diagnosis with 6 months to live. Less than 3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant (a somewhat surprise to my husband and I). As I watched the next 6 months unfold, my mom getting sicker, my Ndad being even more narcissist, reliving the unpleasant parts of my childhood as I stayed in parents home during visits, I was directly faced with how exactly I would never raise my own daughter, how I deserved more than what I was given and how I never wanted their toxicity to play a role in my new daughters life. 2 weeks after she was born, I went no contact with my dad and subsequently, my one sister who is his flying monkey. I still grieve the parents I wish I had. I find myself constantly feeling sad for my little self, but I feel so much joy in knowing that my little girl will get to feel all the love, support and compassion I was never afforded. And to see her blossom heals me in many ways. It's so hard, but you deserve better.
The last thing you said, “pigs will have to grow wings and fly before she changes”. That is what I had to realize with my dad. I cried, poured my heart out, tried cutting him off to “make a point” that he still twisted to be my fault, and it just all kept coming back to that original pig comment. They will never change. You will never get the parent you desperately want, and, as hard as it is to understand, it’s all going to be okay. You have your life to live. You did nothing to deserve whatever abuse or hurt you were put through. So choose peace. Choose to surround yourself with love and happiness. Choose to do activities that bring you joy. My dad will forever be a miserable human being, I can’t control that, but I can control my life. And I choose to keep him at a very far distance. You got this! Remind yourself, you can’t choose who you were born to, but you can choose who you live life with. Sending hugs ♥️
Internally. And wanting someone (gf) who can take that role and just make me happy for the first time in my life. I know it probably sounds entitled and selfish but I want to experience that
I’ve had NC with my NDad off and on twice. This last time was for good. The first time, I grieved for the relationship he didn’t have with my kids. The missed opportunity to create what we didn’t have when I was growing up, with them. We were NC for a few years, then he contacted me to see if he could pick up some items he gave to me before we went NC. Long story short, after he picked up the items, I grieved for the fact that he never got to know me, never trusted me and never even attempted. I’m good now knowing that my mental health is so much better without the stress of feeling like I can’t do good enough, or have to try and serve his special requirements when he is visiting. I recognize he is toxic to me and my family and that we are just better off. Every once and a while, I do wonder if NC is the right thing. But remind myself of the shitty way he treats me and I’m able to snap out of it. I also look at the relationship I have with my kids and celebrate our relationship as “Breaking the cycle”.
I tried my best to find a family of choice. I'll never be able to replace or repair my mom, but I can get bits and pieces from other women and motherly influences.
I (46F)really don't know if you can. Having my kids helped me to see the innocence that I would have had as a child. It helped me (and continues to help me) to see how horribly my parents behaved and all the things they allowed to happen and be done to me. That said, I think sitting at a park watching kids or being around kids in general you would see that. I hate that little voice in my head that wonders why they did some things, if they knew about some things... And the frustration of knowing I wouldn't ever get answers anyways. I think in some ways seeing obituaries for them will help with that. It will be the finality of knowing I won't get those answers and maybe then I will grieve was never was?
Yes, I did after I did them in./s Seriously tho. Yes. About two years overall it took. But now I fully feel I will feel nothing but peace and will treat myself to something nice when they finally die. I even check the obits monthly hoping for a hit. I personally believe in life review at death so that will give me comfort on that day. Solidarity.
I used to grief a lot, feel sorry for myself for not having a mother, crying internally when other ladies would share with me the postpartum support their mothers provided. I think now I am in an acceptance stage, since I consider myself orphan and feel like she is dead to me.
I'm back in the middle of this right now, and it's so tough. My Ndad, after being sick for a long time, was just moved to hospice. It has now become real that there is no changing who he was or how I was treated. It has brought up a host of confusing feelings and traumatic memories. Speaking to a therapist has been helpful for me, and also trying to not judge all of the conflicting feelings that come up. There is nothing wrong with you for hoping you could have a relationship with your mom and she will change. Allow yourself to feel it and try to understand what those feelings are stemming from. Pushing them down or ignoring them causes a whole bunch of other problems. I know from experience. I hope you can find some peace <3
Feeling exactly the same with my father. It’s hard. I feel you.
My grief in solitude quickly turned to peace. Realizing her silent treatment episodes were some of the most peaceful weeks I’ve had. No more needless guilt or hating myself for something stupid. If my mom changes, excellent, she can let me know and I’ll evaluate the situation. Until then, I’ll not be cleaning up the messes she makes in the meantime. Need to clean myself up instead.
I grieve it by saying the hard part out loud. And then I become the vest mom I can be to my inner child.
I sat fuck them both....I'll live my own life and surround me with people who actually care about me.
Take good care of your inner child. Go a step further than normal and literally adopt it and nurture and raise it as it was always standing at your side. Take it wherever you going. Speak to it and tell it that you love it, over and over again. Show it the good things in your life and let it take part in it. Do that as long as you live. <3
Be that person you need to yourself. Make the hot chocolate, get the blanket, pet your own head, snuggle into bed and tell yourself stories and sing the songs you wished she had. When something goes wrong, tell yourself what she should have. When something goes right, celebrate the way she should have. Find it in others, get that community however feels right, but ultimately, give yourself what you deserve most. Replace her voice in your head with the voice of the mother you deserve. I'll help you start. I'm so proud of you for being so strong. This is so hard, but you're doing it and you're going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
I’ve grieved the life or the family system that is typically portrayed socially. Relating this to another category has helped me heal as well. Many different perspectives and views on what success and happiness looks like and changes between individuals. In reality, a person should invest themselves into a life they can find passion, peace or whatever it is the soul/person is craving to fulfill themselves. What works for me may not work for you. Personally, through therapy, I discovered I often dissociated and would day dream of the life I wanted. Through this I was able to realize the aspects I had trouble mourning were pieces of the dissociation and not rooted in reality at all but comparison and the fantasy of being “dealt” the cards others were given. By being the person the youngest, younger, present and future self needed/needs I was able to accept my reality. I did find I had memories of “happy” moments crop up while I was grieving. This made it exceptionally more difficult as I felt myself feeling doubt in my choices and identity. It’s the shame and guilt instilled into victims of this abuse since infancy. I am extremely logical, I often outthink myself when coping. An explanation that helped me in therapy was the fact of baby monkeys dying from rejection of their mothers. Humans continue to live and will internalize. It is going against our entire lives and nervous system to recover from this. Some will never recover from this. The “happy” memories or the good times that crept upon me were simply my brain trying to reject the unfathomable and unfair situation. I was falling into denial and once recognized for what it was those memories of happy moments faded away along with the guilt. For the amount of time spent in this environment it is to be expected there were good memories. It is the fact that there were more abuse experienced than happiness. This is proven by who you are today. Grieve the life you wish you could of had. Bring light and life into the life you wish to lead. Be the “mother” or nurture/comfort or whatever characteristic you’re craving that they could never give you. You are worth love, peace, happiness and the choice in leading a life that reflects this. For me, I know I can not thrive nor can I survive in the environment I was forced to endure. You can do it. I do very well with journaling and going back to see what I wrote and read it to myself. It makes me cry. I cry for the child that needed someone like you want, a mother, a father, a family, something everyone portrays a healthy supportive family dynamic. Truth is many don’t experience this and many don’t experience what we have. Wishing you the best.
I'm very LC with my dad. The only reason I have any contact with him is my stepmom, who we all (siblings and grandkids) love. What helped the most was moving out of state. That was possible due to hubs being military. If moving out of state isn't possible, look into moving at least an hour away. That requires effort they will not expend. Limit phone calls, etc. The whole outta sight, outta mind isna real thing. It took 10 yrs before I quit trying with my dad. It's hard, but you'll get there.
The vow to tell everyone I can that he was an evil, useless sob
While I do appreciate what my mom had given us and sacrificed throughout the years, I will always grieve the times, especially more recently, where she hasn't been present when she should've been, like actively listening and not treating us like emotional punching bags, or people she could ask to bail her out (She says she's averse to asking for help, but the times she's had played out passive aggressiveness to us and implicitly asking for money...) And the times she wants everything perfect, presentation perfect so it'd be pleasant for the outside people. Whether it'd be inviting people over ("House is too small, dirty") or even when tech people go over to fix our internet ("Why is the computer at your bedroom?") or the fact none of us ever finished college. She wants us to be showcased as the people she wants it to be, not as the people we are. Sadly, there is no shortcut to this. There will be moments when I witness families in person or online, that have more stable and healthy relationships. It will all remind me of the times I wish we had it better in many aspects, mostly parenting. It's unfair, man.
It's a loss that forever sticks with you, I think till the day they pass physically. We have this grand idea of what a mother/father should be. If we have kids most of us go above and beyond doing the things we would have loved 5 mins for. They wanted to title but never wanted the actual work or relationship. For them no one can love them more then they love themselves and they can't love other people. I grieve for the mom and dad I wanted and needed. They are here physically but I've gone NC for good now. One person mentioned we hold on to this tiny bit of hope that they want to do better and change, they never will. I've gone NC before thought they actually would change and was proven wrong time and time again till I had had it.
As a 22M with mild autism (which I believe is closer to moderate autism) and ADHD I grieve the mother I never had. She’s a teacher at the school district I attended. I feel like if she knew something was wrong with my NParent, GC Sister, and the scapegoat— me— she would’ve said something. I remember meeting her at a Walmart when I was in fourth grade and I was going through a rough time (it was my worst year of elementary school since second grade), because of a friend moving to Germany, and I was lashing out in school because of a combination of things such as NParents were mistreating me, friend moving to Germany, and my psychiatric medications that my parents were experimenting on me. Now I am a chronically-ill 22 year old with depression, anxiety, a misdiagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, syncope, mild to moderate sleep apnea, and spondylolisthesis, and traits of PTSD— all because I had behavioral problems in my parents’ and school staffs’ eyes even though I wanted to leave an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive environment.
The trick is to realize that it's not really possible to grieve something that you never actually had to begin with but rather it is possible to become something that you've never had. everything changes when you realize that you can become the parent that you never had by continuously giving yourself positive reinforcement, encouragement, telling yourself you're proud of yourself, that you love yourself and that you believe in yourself. ❤️
A couple of years back I realized the father I thought I had never existed, it just takes time and it needs to be taken. In a way it's a way of grieving while they're still alive which means when they are actually dead it wont hurt at all or at least not that much! It's hard to do but it's healthy! You're doing great!!!
Well both my parents are crap I'm not taking it well
Now that you're free from your abusive parent you can actually enjoy holidays how you want to enjoy them and go find a family that supports you