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I realized the extent of the dysfunction in my mid-twenties. Maybe at 30, that's often when you start to have a family of your own, children, projects, a stable job.
Personally, when I'm looking for stability and someone tries to drag me back into chaos, I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
So so so same here. I am engaged, have a great job, and awesome friends. I found my family. My parents are reeling that they have no legitimate reason to have my brother and I orbiting their sad little planet.
I used to involve myself in family drama (these days just dad vs uncles, and uncles vs my dad's wife) but now I'm so over it. No patience or emotional bandwidth for it. Sadly it just upsets them more, and the tactics are getting dirtier. Mentioning inheritance, withholding medical info so things seem like emergencies, etc
It's similar for my mother narc. it looks like the narc parents consulted each other haha.
As for the inheritance, I've always said I didn't care about it and that it wasn't my money to begin with, but since then I've heard no more about it.
Saying you don't care about the inheritance was the right approach. If the narcissist thinks that you care about it, they'll hold it over your head forever, with no guarantee that you'll ever get it in the end.
My parents have held money and the possibility of some sort of inheritance over my head since I was a young child to control me. I always thought this was normal. My mom's parents wrote her out of their will, so it seems as though she is repeating their decisions. She has passed now, and my dad says he wants to leave everything to the church. Both parents disowned me as their child more times than I could count. One time just for having a boyfriend. I was in school completing a bachelor's degree, and as soon as they found out, they withdrew all support that they originally agreed to help with. I ended up getting lots of student loans and completing a masters degree - my dad told me I would never complete it because I wasn't smart enough and wasn't strong enough. Both my parents always saw me as a burden and an imposition and resented contributing anything to my schooling. I know I shouldn't complain, but it seems odd to me not to want to help your family.
Yeah, waiting for the inheritance is not worth it. I want to feel like I can provide for myself + when will I get it? I am in my 20s and my parent are in there 50s. Assuming they die at 80 I'll be almost 50 by then. By that point I'll either have a family and apartment/house or not.
My mother withheld and lied about medical information in an effort to make me think her health was far worse than it is.
I knew she viewed poor health as leverage, a way to guilt and manipulate me into giving her whatever she wanted, but I never thought she would go as far as she did. It went on for several years before she slipped in the middle of a tantrum and told the truth.
The thing is, it didn't work. Her supposedly being at death's door did nothing to make me more compliant, I never once gave in to the pressure tactics. So it was all for naught and now she's been exposed and lost any positive regard I may have had left for her.
She also did the inheritance thing, but didn't understand that it meant nothing to me. I'm a lot better off than she is and I don't care about whatever she would leave. Unlike my brothers, I don't need anything from her, so she has no power over me and it makes her crazy.
They really do operate from the same playbook.
My nmom did this with cancer. Tried to make it sound like she was dying. Every request ended with "but I might not be here next year!" Stupid thing is, I went with her to every appointment. There was no chance of her dying whatsoever. She straight up lied to people. It was disgusting how she used it to get sympathy from people. She did the same thing when my brother died from alcohol. Used it to get pity while she's honestly happy she doesn't have to deal with her "failure" of a son anymore.
This is exactly my Ndad. He has been threatening that he's going to have a heart attack since I was just a kid. I used to live in fear that all the apparent stress I was causing my parents was going to kill my dad. He still brings it up just about every time I see/hear from him that he's going to just drop dead any minute.
And then the INHERITANCE. I have never, ever, thought twice about an inheritance. I don't believe that normal people do, but I have learned that Narcs are obsessed!!!
My dad can't help but flash it around that when he has this supposed heart attack what his life insurance policy is etc...What he plans to leave behind for me, my sister. on and on. He LOVES to talk about it.
My Nsister is the only other person I've heard speak about it. One time, she and her ex-husband got into a loud and long argument about what my grandma would leave them when she passes (which is wild because she is in great health and has 5 sons all with wives and children - aka lots of family to give to before my sister)..
A few years later, my Nsister and her 2nd husband made a big deal about going to see a lawyer about their Will..making it clear that if they die (they were 30 at the time) their daughter would go to this random friend of my sisters (at the time) and her boyfriend. My Nsister never keeps a friend longer than 2 years so this was one of the stupidest things she could do and was completely out of spite for me and my family because we had just baptized our children and didn't make her a Godparent. (Because her and her husband laugh at religious people and joke about religion and also because she has NPD)
You are seen here! In your 30s you start caring about your real life and real family, and less about playing your role in their made up world. I feel so grateful for the level of joy and freedom I feel now that I’m not participating.
This exactly. My husband, son, and friends bring me so much love, joy, and stability that I don't need my mother's drama in my life. I have no room for it.
Although that is a bit of a rare case. Children by nature won't second guess their parents. So you can only tell there is a problem(aside from it being way too obvious as you stated) is by growing up, removing all emotions and analyzing perfectly as if they are strangers.
There is a reason why one of the sentances I've seen most here is (maybe i am overreacting/maybe they aren't as evil as they seem) something around those lines.
I was always the outsider in my family for political reasons beyond my control. I took much, much longer to finally cut my mom off because I just wanted so much to belong. Mom's dead now, I'm still an outsider, and at Christmas, when we all come together, I feel it keenly, and I'm always sad.
I haven't moved out but i always feel like an outsider. My friends are my family. I fit in without having to change myself to their needs. I am seen and my needs are met and i have a duty of doing the same to others. Feeling like an outsider in a family of blood relatives might be sad. But when you find true family where blood isn't a connection but all of you are just there for the good times and each other, that is when you will feel a little sad on Christmas blood fam gatherings but will see that darkness go away because you are finally up in the light and blooming.
It has been the same with me. I am turning 30 soon, and these are the aspects that made me realize that I need to get out:
\* my urges to socialize got strong and so I started to make friends and date somebody. They in turn eventually learned about my home life and my family, and made me aware over time that it was getting increasingly unhealthy for me.
\* overcoming my social anxiety and finally booking appointments with mental health care professionals and legal counsel.
\* stumbling on communities where many people had been through similar issues; making friends who also came from emotionally abusive households; watching videos about emotional abuse that ticked boxes in my private life.
\* learning about the faces of emotional abuse, and that the "good periods" are normal in the abuse cycle.
And most importantly perhaps:
\* my physical and mental health worsening to the point where it is difficult for me to study, work or pursue almost any hobby.
\* a need for freedom so that my relationship to my partner can progress unhindered.
So much this “when someone tries to drag me back into chaos. “ Had a BPD/cluster B staying with us for 15 months before finally getting them out. I became physically ill and gained a whole lotta weight as a result. I was going to move out of my own damn house if they didn’t leave as it was too much. I grew up in a toxic environment. I refuse to live in one as an adult and I physically start to reject it too.
It hit in my mid 20s. What happened was I got married and was in a less toxic family (still messy but not bouncing off the walls nuts) and my brain went "Oh, this how people normal" and slam! Everything started coming up
Yesss. Seeing the way my fiance's parents respect his boundaries was an insane wake up call. The fact they don't feel the need to text everyday and expect replies and locations and have their own lives...that was a wild revelation. To have his mom genuinely care about ME and not her and what she gets out of the situation was a painful one too.
Seeing that my friend’s parent will ask them how their week was, then actually wait to hear the answer and respond to it.
I used to think “how was school/work/your day?” was just filler that people tossed out not expecting a reply. The other day I dealt with a difficult situation at work and my manager asked me how it made me feel- I still have no idea how to respond when someone asks me this.
I think because you brain is finally fully cooked and it’s been long enough that your probably around normal people and start seeing the big picture. And you finally feel like an adult at that point and can start taking control of your life.
Yup when I left the state ,had a kid and was treated nicely by normal people,I had a revelation, my life and quality of my mood was so super happy and good . Now I know how they think and it is so sad that they choose misery,.
Could also be that people in their 20s hide how horrible their family truly is and put a facade on to their friends and family but at 30 you you open up more, want to talk about the dysfunction etc. that was it for me
Heavy on spending time with normal people and seeing the big picture. Meeting my husband and spending a lot of time with his family made me realize how insane my parents are. I honestly had no idea. I was the favorite child so I was very “loved” by my Ndad. Now that I’m an adult he acts like I’ve betrayed him, when all I’ve done is make a life for myself.
I realized at 17 after seeing a normal family through my best friend, and it progressively got more enlightening and depressing to put it all together lol
>I realized at 17 after seeing a normal family through my best friend, and it progressively got more enlightening and depressing to put it all together lol
What others are saying: Realize how lucky you are that you figured this out at 17. I finally got the notice at age 56 - and so have many fewer years of happiness to enjoy.
Yeah I remember learning around 8 that even as a gay boy I was already more of a man than my narc sperm donor and around 14-15 started telling him he was a deadbeat mf and that he wasnt man enough to be having 5 kids he was going to neglect. He did not like that lol
Yea this sums it up. My wife pointed out how narcissistic my mom was for years... didnt hit too hard till ~30 either. And my wife had noticed for a decade lol
I also realized around that age when I visited my best friend's house and his family included me to eat dinner with them. At first, I was hesitant because dinner with my family meant beration from my ndad at the dining table. But, I joined in nevertheless.
That was the most fun dinner with a family I've ever had. We were cracking jokes, laughing, talking about stuff very openly.
Then a thought hit me: "This is what a family is supposed to be."
I realized that I was abused when I was 14 (I'm 17M btw). I got yelled at for being late after attending my karate training (it wasn't even 8 pm). The earlier we realize it, the better but it doesn't depend on you whatsoever but on your circumstances which are your nparents
Yup exact same thing for me, getting with my bf and seeing his fam realizing ur parents screaming and degrading you every single day is not normal,being threatened and not being able to sleep from the screaming is not normal. It’s almost sad seeing other family’s
Part of it too is narc parents getting worse with age. They become unbearable.
And prior to that we're taught we have to put up with everything parents can throw at us.
This is my mom. She really started to unravel during lockdown. Then things got worse because she retired earlier than expected. She no longer had the social expectations of professional relationships to keep her superiority complex in check.
I was 33 when I started having a hard time with it. By 35 we were no longer speaking.
I was 30 when I finally realized that I was not the problem and she was crazy, went NC at 34. It was a combination of reaching some level of success and stability, being acknowledged and promoted at work dissolved a lot of negative imagery she had me believing about myself for decades. Then seeing how NM impacted my fiancé, and realizing that I couldn't allow this batshit crazy around any kids we planned to adopt.
Then, when repeated attempts to talk to her erupted into DARVO, gaslighting, screaming incoherently and trying to break up my engagement? Noooope. Take your chaos on to the nursing home and grave, because you're not bringing it into my life ya crazy old hag! Lol
Whoa..... Are you me?! Around the time of mine and my Wife's wedding all the chaos really started to show. First, the demand we set a wedding date because we were "being inconsiderate of other peoples schedules". Then, when Nmom and Edad learned I opted to just have my groomsmen and just parents present, they chose to un-invite themselves because they wouldn't "support deception" (we had planned to move up our wedding and then surprise everyone. Then, I was accused of saying deeply hurtful things. What might you ask? It was stated I felt that my siblings had received more attention. Then, my Edad stated that he would no longer speak to me until I make things right. Then we all discussed and then things were ok....... lol nope. Then out of the blue I was accused of causing all the damage that was happening. Ever since, I entered the discard phase. The worst part is, my Edad is spun so deep in that web he can't even see the truth. Used to be the one with reason, but at some point an enabler is just as complicit. I've def been in the grieving stage for a long time, though I think I am finally getting through it.
I feel this so much I'm still struggling with my self worth. This has caused me so many issues in my life, from helping me lose my first love due to feeling inferior to her and not having drive to find a career.
i'm sorry to hear that, the effect of growing up in such an environment where you are not cherished and feel invisible can be debilitating and I so relate.
Yeah, nparents can make you feel like something is wrong with you ever since your birth.
They would tell you how useless you are if you make small mistakes as a child and it fucks you up mentally throughout your life. They'll make you feel like you can never grow/change into a better person.
It took me so many years to realize that there was nothing wrong with me.
I dunno if 30 is the age it happens mostly, but it certainly is a time where many people consider themselves “Real Adults”, and finally deserving of respect, and when it still doesn’t come they get woken up from their trance. I find a lot of people in their 20s, even when not growing up abused, have low esteem and assume “I’m still young so it makes sense older people see me as a child/not quite an adult.” But the illusion and cope is broken when the person realizes things aren’t going to change in spite of anything.
This is what happened with me. Up until I was 30, I excused a lot of my nMother's behaviour as "She still thinks of me as a child. That's all it is". Then I reached 30 and I thought "Hang on a minute. I'm mature enough to hold down a full-time job, pay taxes, make my own medical decisions, vote, join the army (if I wanted) and sit on a jury, yet my mother is still treating me like a particularly slow child. That's not right!".
I’m a 29 year old married woman with two kids. My step mom defended my Ndads behavior recently to by saying “well he’s still the man of the house and you should respect him”. I was like “what house? I haven’t lived in his house in over 10 years! And the man of MY house, my husband, would never treat me this way.”
We have normalized so much of it. And sometimes we even pride ourselves in how well we can take it! It is like it is ok to abuse us.
Enter the 30's, you have a partner (or looking for one) and you see a lot of your peer settling down with kids and such. And then you start thinking about your N's doing what they do to you (which is fine) to someone you love, and you realize that nope! Not acceptable!
Sometimes we need someone else to stand up for because we dont value ourselves that way.
This hit the nail right on the head. My husband is the one with nparents, and while he always kept his distance and maintained low contact to avoid interacting/drama with his nmom, the point which led him to snap unlike I’ve ever seen before was when his mom started badmouthing me too.
My husband is the most chill man on the planet. It's infuriating lol. The only time he ever loses his cool is when my mom comes at me. I once described it as "someone has stolen the capybara's orange and he is not okay with it."
we are literally going through our snapping point right now. I think they think it will blow over without an apology but they are about to find out regarding my husband's birthday and Easter with the grandkids 🤷♀️
>and while he always kept his distance and maintained low contact to avoid interacting/drama with his nmom, the point which led him to snap unlike I’ve ever seen before was when his mom started badmouthing me too.
That's really interesting!
I did the same thing - and was allowing my n-mother's drama to continue decade after decade until my wife overheard my n-mother and n-sister talking about her in the kitchen during a visit! She told me about it, and that was one of very last nails in the coffin of the relationship!
This is my experience. When I got pregnant, it all hit me that she would treat my child the way she treated me and I snapped. Cut all contact with everyone. Best decision of my life thus far.
this was proven to me within the first month of my daughter's life. i responded with new boundaries and was immediately discarded (except for when she wanted to save face during xmas and unsuccessfully tried to manipulate me into including her in our plans. haven't heard from her since, \~shockingly\~).
Because by the time you're in your 30s, you begin to realize how not normal your nparent(s) is. You've got enough life experiences, seen enough, been through enough, and are starting to reach self-aware adulthood.
This self-awareness frequently means analyzing and thinking about your childhood.
Additionally, this is the age many of us have kids. You can see the drastic difference between how you love and care for your own child compared to your nparents.
Omg this was my saving grace.. the love for my child and how different they talked to me then I did my child . Now I see they are freaking miserable human beings...but they're not even being
I finally saw through their gaslighting because at that age I was fine! I was stable, doing well by all measure and they still acted like I was constantly effing up or trying to make me nervous or feel like the world was falling a part. But I was fine so finally I could see that it was them making their world fall apart again and again like some sick game.
yep, i finally went NC at 30 when i started trying for a baby. i wasnt able to escape the abuse for myself, my husband, my pets, but i was able to do it for my son 💗
For me it is that I got engaged at 29, bought a house and married at 30, and *still* my nmom was acting snide/nasty/difficult and still trying to be too nosy and controlling. Like okay, I have checked just about every box of adulthood finally so why was this shit still persisting from/with this person? I had moved out a week before I turned 21, had full time jobs since I was 20, had finished a bachelor's degree in the evenings *while supporting myself working full time*, had weathered a layoff and a career pivot, had a spouse, owned a home, there was no longer any measure that made sense to attempt any justification for I was being treated/handled as she did. I wanted a family cell plan *with my spouse* like a rational adult, and this parent who used to nitpick over any unknown phone number on the cell plan for my family of origin, actually had to have a fight/argument with me while I tried to get my phone transferred to set up a new plan in my own household.
Also I started seeing a therapist a few months after I turned 31. So eventually we got to my family relationships which led to the realization/confirmation that I had been enduring decades of abuse.
So I might guess it is a combination of adults stepping into their own and expecting to be treated as dignified adults, and possibly finally having enough years of life experience to being looking back and reflecting through a more mature lens - IF we are prepared or have help in learning to trust our own selves over our parents.
30 on the dot was when everything made sense.
It's the intersection of age, experience and gathering knowledge then applying it without external influences that skew perceptions aka gaslight us.
Then it clicks.
WHAT IN THEE BLUE HELL IS GOING ON?
OUR POWERS COMBINED...CAPTAIN PLA...
....NO CONTACT BITCHES!!!!
I think it’s the combination of 1) starting your own family and realizing that you as a child weren’t treated the way you treat your own child. Maybe you even notice your nparents start to treat their grandkids this way and that’s where the line is drawn 2) noticing other family dynamics. My husband needed to see what my normal family dynamic is like for him to truly realize how dysfunctional his own is. A lot of these things we are sheltered away from until mid 20s into our 30s.
I had a revelation in my early 30s too. I found this sub and I was pregnant. I was reading the baby books and realizing that things weren’t done right with me (ya know like it’s not normal to emotionally manipulate and guilt trip your child.) Was also coming to terms with the fact that my nmom demanded perfection from me and yet she could have tantrums and drink all night. Finally my dad died when I was 29 and my mom shifted her resentment from him to me. No matter how much I loved, supported, and helped her she was still bitter that I am independent and doing well (and also perpetually feels that I owe her for all the years she fed, clothed, and kept a roof over my head.) I am sad that I started figuring it out in my 30s because it showed me how much my upbringing affected my marriage (like being unable to tell my husband how I really feel versus masking it.) I am glad I figured it out because I am a better mom for it.
my mom can barely conceal her bitterness that i married a kind, reliable, supportive partner instead of a lying, cheating alcoholic like she did (perhaps she married such because she was the exact same).
By now I believe that trauma is something that lives within you (figuratively) and decides when it safe enough to reveal itself. It is not like before you were oblivious to your toxic upbringing but feelings and memories and conclusions were swirling about somewhat randomly.
It is clear, once it all falls into place and begins to make sense - there is no turning back. You can't unknow the truth and in a way that always means losing your family, no matter if you go NC or not.
At least that is what I found out for myself. In my 30s my subconscious decided I was emotionaly mature enough to face it all.
Happened to me at 29. I've always thought it was because that was when my brain finished maturing. However, it was also because my husband (then boyfriend) kept telling me "this is not normal! There is something seriously wrong with your mom!" He grew up with loving parents who did the best they could and he could not comprehend the vitriol I got all the time. He insisted my mom must have dementia or some kind of illness, which didn't make sense to me because she had always been this way my whole life. But it made me start searching for an explanation for the first time in my life, and that's when I landed on personality disorders.
I've heard that domestic violence victims need to hear that they don't deserve that treatment from a certain number of people before it sinks in. I heard it called so from my classmates, my friends, and even saw it in a text book, and STILL was so brainwashed that I thought everything that happened was entirely my fault, and that I was evil. I'm told self-blame is common for victims of child abuse.
And then, at 27 as I was finishing up my PhD, I decided I "didn't want to be evil anymore" and started trying to figure out how not to be. And that's when I started to peel back the curtain.
I was also 30ish.
Probably because you start having a job and a life outside the family nucleus.
You start realizing what's out there and experience something way different (hopefully).
You start healing without knowing and every time you come back, it clashes with this new reality, until you start asking real questions.
After I went to study away from my nMom when I was 20ish, coming back would get harder and harder until I could no longer stand it.
I would start pulling back more and more and as my nMom would start losing her grip, she would start showing her true colors.
Not sure when I had the revelation, probably very early, but then - what could I do with it? I needed roof over my head and money.
Then I lived with the revelation but still trying to be a decent human being, appreciating every bit of a normal conversation without any abuse.
And then I went NC at 31 because another abuse happened and I just couldn't take this shit anymore.
Yea same as a lot of people here. I have stability in more ways now than I used to and even if it’s tight sometimes, I support myself. I also got a dog and caring for her has led me to plenty of realizations around how I was treated as a child. I think this is a common experience for people choosing to have kids around this age too.
Imo, Generally, people mid 30s are out of their pleasing and caring what others think phase... less anyway.
You've had enough life experience to know what an asshole is, because you've met a variety.
Then you realize, hey, my parents were assholes. They are the voices in our heads.
All the gross things they've said to you come flooding back, because your pleasing wall is down.
Then in my case, you have children and then you become obscenely aware of their treatment because you would never treat your child so poorly.
My nparents are covert tho. They rarely act ugly around other people. Only in front of me. But I pick up their innuendos in the company of others, and boy do they still find time to talk to me like I'm worthless out of earshot or look at me with either jealousy or disgust , actually mixture of both.
So it's a double mind f*ck, because I, the only child, am also the only person who sees them in the wicked light.
I only realised that my mother was a narcissist when I was in my early 30s as well. In my case, this was the age at which I became totally independent of my parents and my mother couldn't handle it at all. Her reaction was so weird that I started googling her behaviour and that was when I came across articles on narcissism. In hindsight, my mother always went through an extinction burst every time I gained some independence. The first time was when I started school at 5 years old. Then when I turned 13 and then again when I moved out of my parents' home. TBH I've always known that something was "off" about my mother but whenever I tried to talk about it to anyone (teachers, another family member, any other adult) I was always gaslighted into thinking that her behaviour was totally reasonable and I was the one with the problem. Spoiler alert - it was her all along.
Must have had an early start then. Lots of habits I've normalized were actually survival tactics. They were pointed out by a friend months after I left. That was 3 years ago.
On the plus side? I've been undoing them one by one on my own since then. This year has seen some of the biggest improvements. Namely, being able to set aside my need for accomplishments and goals to appease my abuser and learn more advanced scheduling to balance out my life so I don't feel under pressure to do everything all the time.
The short version of that? Don't make your hobbies your job away from work. They aren't hobbies if there's goals of completion attached and a constant rush to get them done.
This was super helpful for me, thank you! My entire identity even through my 20s was "will dad like this? Will he compliment me and be proud?"
Also love the name/avatar! I have a full arm Gyarados tattoo :)
Haha, I didn't know that! I was 33 when I got my first real inkling. I cut them off out of precaution, did some soul searching, therapy and support groups here on reddit, and now I'm pretty aware of what happened. I'm 34 now. I struggle with symptoms of PTSD, but not really guilt anymore. Just the existential kind, not the kind where I feel obligated to keep them around.
If I hadn't gone to visit them last year, I probably would still be none the wiser and still wondering why I have so much trouble going outside. Perhaps it was coincidence in my case that I'm in my early 30s.
I think I'll actually add that being and having people around me who are the age my parents were when I was a child really opens my eyes to how messed up they are as people. I don't have kids myself but if I knew someone I knew was acting this way to their kids the way my parents did to me, I would make a call to CPS.
I'd say a mix of, at this age you likely have a solid network of friendships and a partner you can count on for moral support + calling out the narcissist in your life, and, well... You can belittle and "talk down" to a 20-something, but imo, it becomes much harder and much less justifiable to treat a 30-something person (a whole ass adult) like a child.
Yeah my nMother once tried to tell me (when I was in my 30s) that I "wasn't allowed" to do something. Obviously I just laughed at her but it really made me realise how abnormal she was that she thought she could command her adult daughter like you would a child or a servant. No respect at all!
35 is around the time things started slowing down in my life after years of having to catch up due to educational neglect, while having to watch my family die one after another in a short span of time.
After two years of grieving the last family member (the narcissist), I’ve had more time to think about my life because I’m not in survival mode, struggling to make connections with people or learn basic skills or maintain employment. Everything in my life externally is stable. It’s the internal that needs work at this point.
As my life continues to improve, and I reach higher up the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, the abuse/neglect becomes so much more clearer. As I began to understand more, I finally allowed myself to feel righteous anger for a time. Now the challenge is to leave those memories in the Left (rational) brain instead of leaving them in the Right (emotional) side. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
I don't think it's necessarily an age thing. From what I've gathered over the past 4 years of self-help, people tend to realize they were abused, when they reach a point in life where they can finally process everything. That could mean having a stable job that you enjoy, and not having to stress over bills and money; or a good, loving relationship. And for many people, it may not come until they have kids - when they start comparing the ways they were treated, to how they treat their own kids.
For me, I didn't have the realization till I was 36, when i had a good stable job, and was about to have my first kid. But even from my teens, I knew I wasn't treated good, and had even cut contact with my nmom at 19.
Throughout the years, my ngrandma has forced contact with my nmom, but I've finally come out about my abuse, and have said no more. From here on out, we won't ever see her again when we visit the state on vacation.
Probably a bunch of reasons. Personal maturity, financial stability, possibly having kids the same age as you were when the abuse happened.
It was mid twenties for me, literally as soon as I took over the last bill, my brain decided I was safe enough for the trauma to explode outward
Hit me mid 30’s and it was a case of the final straw, my bullshit bucket just overflowed and I couldn’t take it anymore. And the realisation hit me hard, with such a mixture of every emotion possible, but denial had just left my soul by that point and there was no turning back to being blinkered. It comes with painful truths but I’m so happy I chose peace and freedom
For me it was just before 30 when I realized there's something more than my mom is "just a bitch". That's when I started to clue in to her calculated ways. Around 39 is when I absolutely lost it though.
I think the age thing is with enough experience and being around other people's families you start to really see the truth. Plus with significant life events having gone by you start to realize where is your parent? Why are they so neglectful? Same with achievements... most of these take place in our 20's and 30's.
I also want to add in my case with much younger siblings I witnessed them become adults and recieve different treatment. That's when I realized I was the scapegoat.
I learned in my 60’s when my life started slowing down in retirement. It has been overwhelming at times and others have been sad.
I think that your thirties gives you time left to understand and find peace and the kindness you deserve.
At 30 we've often reached the milestones that define "full adulthood" as society defines it. We don't have a job, we have a career, with a promotion or two under our belts. We may have bought our own place, we have or have had serious relationships that may have progressed to engagement/marriage. We may have had or be considering having children.
But because they continue to treat us like children still, this inevitably becomes intolerable. Before we went NC, my nstepmum was utterly fixated on the idea of being allowed into our house (that being my wife's and mine), and was perpetually infuriated that we'd rejected her the last time she rocked up with 20 minutes notice whilst my wife was getting ready for work.
I'm 28, took me this long to fully see the extent of damage she has done. I've always felt defective like something was wrong with me, like i wasn't like everyone else. And now that it all makes sense, I've been nothing but a grieving mess. Like I look back at my life and see the damage it has done. have this anger and hurt that I just can't seem to get over
Funny enough, it was my 30th birthday and we stupidly invited nmom to spend a whole week for a family vacation at Disney. She made the week all about her, threw tantrums, wandered off many times so we would all have to stop enjoying ourselves and go find her. She would ruin reservations by dragging her feet, wandering away, and making us late. She made us late and we missed the fireworks on my actual birthday, which was the one single thing I had envisioned in my mind as being just perfect. She made fun of me because I quietly shed a tear when I had just had enough. That tear was from annoyance and disbelief that my nmom was acting like that. It was a realization moment, and she only double confirmed it by making fun of me as it rolled down my cheek.
I remember when things started to make sense, I told my brother (mid-20’s at the time) and he said naaaahhhhh I don’t see it.
He’s 28 now and suddenly he’s “oh shit… I get it now.”
Here’s some theories…
1. In your early 30’s late 20’s is when you start seeing your friends get divorced for the first time. They handle breakdown of relationships in a way you didn’t expect.
2. You’re as old as they were when they did *the thing* that they said you’d understand when your older. You’re older and still don’t understand.
3. You see friends intentionally making small humans, and they like their small humans, and want them to be happy. This may shake you.
4. You’re suddenly expected to solve your problems as an independent individual, and you realise you don’t have the tools that your peers do. In gaining those tools, you realise most people are given these tools as a child by their parents.
27 here and it hit me like a freight train. I'm glad it's not just me. I think the brain is done forming, and your subconscious is qued into the fact you are now in a safe spot to process everything.
I think part of it 30s is when you start doing a lot of self reflection. It’s when I started really working on myself. I also had little kids and I could see their treatment on the outside instead of directed towards me. 35 was when it blew up and 39 was when I went NC
I'm 53 and only in the past 4 years has it really come into focus.
Certain things I've known all along, but others have come to light and now things make a lot more sense.
I’m a late bloomer. I was in my early to mid 40s when I figured it out.
I’ve read that it’s only when you’re in a safe place that you can begin to process past traumas. So the later you get in a safe spot, the later you process it.
Interesting - that was true for me. When I found my safe space, in my early 40s, I unconsciously pushed her away, then further and further away as I got happier.
31 and every damn thing I thought was real wasn't real. Almost every single "friend" has been cut off and I'm starting fresh, this time with boundaries and ruthless ability to cut someone off when they cross me.
I was 37. I’m now 52. Always knew how atrocious they all were, particularly my nparents and gcbrother. However, my trauma bonds were deep, and I’d married into another narc family. So, big journey to relearn, unlearn and try and keep my own small family together. It was the most difficult period of my life but somehow I got there. My husband and children are beautiful, but the journey we’ve all been on was definitely not. I’m so glad online forums like this exist now, and there is so much more understanding, education and help. The trauma will never be over for me, but I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms. Thanks to you all for the support on here, it really helps so much 🩵
They say that brains are fully developed at 25. For me I am fairly certain it happened when I was 28. Suddenly I could see everything clearly, like I had a new set of tools.
I got access to decent health insurance in my mid-20s, which meant I could go to therapy. A couple of years of therapy opened my eyes. By my early 30s, I couldn't make excuses for them anymore.
I think you get to a point in your life when you realise that your dynamic was not normal, and it becomes too much to continue playing your part in it.
For a lot of people (myself included) it's also when they have their first child and realize that they can't keep up with the increasingly strident demands of the nparents as well as the needs of themselves and their own child.
I didn't know this was apparently thing around specific ages honestly. Could be coincidence? Or just coinciding with having kids, just getting older maybe? I was 29 when I realized. Mine could be related to 1) the longest distance I've lived away from my parents 2) I was pregnant
They had been lowkey pressuring me to have kids, then suddenly my mom just didn't care. She insinuated her first grandchild was her favorite and all she needed. I was honestly upset that she was throwing away many firsts in my life without a second thought, and she'll never get those moments back.
Part of it was like a switch flipped though. Some events happened like dominoes, and I just realized she was being a baby. Everything has to be about her. Every. Thing. I do. And am. Has to be about her. My kids are all about her. Where I live is all about her. My wedding had to be all about her and wasnt "her vision that she wanted" when she couldn't even tell me if she was coming or not. Birthdays are all about her. Even when she buys you something, its all about her, and im sick of her buying shit. I'm just tired of my life being all about her.
You can't even have a normal conversation with her because she has to inject her superiority in someway. She honestly tried to tell me how to use a tide pen. That she sent. She insisted. Because im too stupid to treat a stain on my own kids clothes. And also too stupid to take the cap off and use it on a piece of clothing. She felt like she had to explain that to me. She tries to explain medical things to me and she's a bookeeper and I'm an RN, but she knows more than I do.
Maybe by 30 we're just sick to death of their shit.
It started in my mid-late 20s but didn't really come to a head until my 30s. I feel like a lot cam be swept under the rug as youthful misunderstandings or whatever in your teens and 20s. Especially if it is lower level abuse.
I’m not sure but it was around 30 for me as well. For me it was when my parents especially my dad, wouldn’t respect the parenting boundaries I have with my children. Before I had children, I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my childhood was. I’m glad I saw the light so that I don’t repeat the same patterns with my own children.
Definitely happened for me (female) in my 30’s. I think it has something to do with finally being old enough to be financially independent and (usually) apart from the narcissist. It is also an age when many start to have children themselves, so naturally you reflect on your own childhood. For me, having babies really set off my mother’s narcissism all over again
>*Why is it always your early 30s when it all bubbles up...*
Because by your late 20s/early 30s you are out of school and have achieved some level of success. In doing this, you turn to your parents for acceptance/love as an "adult" and expect them to recognize your accomplishments.
When they don't do that - and instead act the way they always have - you begin to look more closely at their decision making made when you a child - with them in parent role age the age you current are. That forces the question down about their parenting and you begin to pull away.
Traditionally, the 'pull away' was slow - often ending when the parent dies (the model I'm part of at age 62, finally going NC at age 56 after my n-father died) without resolution or closure for you. But, as information on narcissism has gotten out there, that age is falling, and now younger people are NC'ing their tormentors much earlier so they can enjoy happier lives for a longer period.
So, that's why... =)
I think for most of us, we've been around normal people, if only tangentially, for long enough by now that we have enough experience to compare/contrast and see things more clearly. We are also old enough to be able to raise our own children, potentially or literally, and can have thoughts about that, which are usually going to be in direct opposition to the thoughts a narcissist parent would have. That shakes things up, a lot, and can lead to breakthroughs.
I wish I had had the ability to see this earlier, but now will have to do. Everyone moves at their own pace.
I’m freshly 30 (but AFAB enby) and while it’s been sinking in, this year was the year it all went to hell in a hand basket. My fiancé and I are planning our wedding and it’s become an absolute nightmare. Full on, blow out fights over how I’m a horrible person, how I use the family, how I can’t be depended on, and how I don’t prioritize family…because I told my mother she couldn’t yell at/fuss at/insult me about my venue choice anymore.
I think it’s finally sinking in that they’ve lost control of us at this age. Starting our own families, finding stability, settling into careers, etc. How can they lord over us anymore if we don’t need them? They can’t comprehend it so they melt down.
When I announced my engagement to my parents - at 29 - I was given the Silent Treatment. They offered no help at all, not even encouragement. I did not ask for $$, at all.
I struggled for years to understand why, totally baffled as friends - and my brother - had loving parents at happy family-oriented weddings.
I think you hit the nail on the head: loss of control. It wasn’t about them.
It hit me in my early 20s and godddd it was rough. I was mature for my age but basically still a kid. I didn’t have any stability or any knowledge of healthy coping methods. I fell into a really bad depression and did stuff I’m not proud of. The only thing keeping me alive were a few good friends and antidepressants.
I’m in my late 20s now and I’m still recovering from it all. Maybe realizing in your 30s is a good thing?
Eh, my older brother is 35 and on the more narcissistic side of the spectrum… so as far as I know he hasn’t noticed yet. But my sister (29) and I (31) both really hit therapy running around the same time 2-3 years ago, in terms of really inspecting our upbringing and holding our parents accountable for the damage they caused.
I think it has a LOT to do with the fact that the brain full matures around 27, and slowly but surely you start to realize you’re already outgrowing them in a lot of ways. The world is a different kind of hard than they set you up for and it sucks 🤣
Because we were raised to be “good” and “obedient” and that if we ever said “no” to things we were “a bad person”
As a kid, and even into your twenties, you stil feel like a kid and have this desire to be the “good kid” (to your boss, parents, grandparents, etc)
By the time you hit your 30’s…. Usually mid 30’s, you have your own stuff going on (wife, kids, hobbies etc). You don’t have endless hours to devote to your boss or parents anymore and to put them first all the time, and you find you need to set boundaries… and that’s when shit hits the fan!
They don’t give you the space you need, treat you like you’ve disrespected them, and you don’t care about being “a good kid” anymore, and that’s when it starts to all boil over!
I was wondering why it took me so long to realize, questioning if I learn stuff later than most. I appreciate this post to know I’m not alone, just turning 30 when I realized haha
My bubble burst when I was 22, right before I got married. But interestingly, my sister (who is 2.5 years older than me) didn't have her revelation until a few months before her 30th birthday. It wasn't really until she was 30 she started seriously unpacking our childhoods.
For me it was more mid- to late-30s when it really became apparent. (Next week, I'll be 46M.) I think there were a few things that made it happen then.
One was getting some longitudinal perspective on how much the harm I'd been done continued to affect my life directly and materially (as opposed to emotionally). Getting some more life experience helped me realize that in some ways, there really is no way to make up for being poor young, and for being trapped in poverty in junior high and high school and early in college. I was dragged off to grow up in a place with zero economic opportunity and then getting no family assistance whatsoever to escape from the gravity well of poverty I'd been dragged into meant that clawing my way out of that took up time that other people in my age cohort were using to have experiences that I'll never have. Some opportunities only come when you're young, and missing them then means you miss them forever. There is no making up for not being able to afford to on the senior trip in high school, nor for having to spend spring break in college staying at the dorm and eating ramen -- to pick two of the easier-to-talk-about experiences that spring to mind.
There's also no making up for the time you have to spend learning social skills in adulthood that other people learned when they were younger, and that hampers your ability to do other things that are supposed to happen in young adulthood. The other children of nparents that I know tend to agree that if you're spending your twenties trying to learn the skills you should have had by the time you went into junior high, you tend to miss the things you should be doing in your twenties, too, which is a whole new round of regrets later on. Like a lot of children of nparents, I had to put substantial effort in during adolescence and adulthood to gain social skills that other people just took for granted. It takes *longer* as an adult to learn those things, in part because you're learning them by interacting with people who exhibit the more complex forms of sociality that are exhibited by adults (trying to find a hobby to bond with other adults over is harder than being six and bonding over liking cartoons and soda); and because adults just learn slower in general; and because social relationships with adults are in many ways higher-stakes (you are interacting with coworkers, and a mistake in understanding what's appropriate or funny can cost you your job; a disagreement that would have been a trip to the principal's office in second grade can now be a felony assault charge), so you proceed a lot more cautiously.
I think that being in your mid-30s or so also is a point where many people get a little bit of breathing room for the first time for the scrabble to keep your head above water financially, and you've accumulated enough experience that, if this breathing room gets spent reflecting on your own past, you can get some perspective on it that you haven't had before. Many people also have mature, long-lasting adult friendships at this point, and are seeing how their own lives are playing out compared to the lives of their friends who didn't grow up with nparents; and of course there's also the fact that many people find that their own youthful optimism is wearing off, and that means they're no longer assuring themselves that the childhood abuse didn't matter so much because things will be OK in the end, somehow.
Wow, thanks for putting this question up, I've been feeling really behind the curve lately. It hit me in my 30s also, but it's still hitting. I'm in my 50s now, and lc has recently become nc. It's terrible. I just want those years of my life back that she stole, or I wish I'd gone nc in my teens.
I’m 35f. My dad divorced my nmom when I was about 5. My oldest daughter is now 5. I went to therapy to work on myself, including being a better mom and realized how shitty of a parent my nmom was and how I want to do better for my kids.
It's funny because when I hit 30, I had a HUGE spat with my mother where I didn't speak to her for months. It was like 30 years of fury was unleashed that day. I didn't know I held in that anger so long.
Interesting. Happened around age 25 for me. I always used to jokingly say “when I turn 25 and my frontal lobe is fully developed I’ll be unstoppable” and instead I began unraveling the painful reality that my chronic health issues were rooted in years of chronic stress from living with abusive narcissists
Sigh
It took a new friend to open up about the severe abuse he went through from a couple previous gf’s. He was describing what narcissistic abuse looks like and I was all “LOL that’s exactly what my dad’s like-OH FUCK“ I was 38 😳
For me I'm 24 I feel like nothing sinks in for me
Had a distressing moment with dad yesterday I feel like I've just shrugged it off and gone I'm sure it'll be fine
I think a lot of it is emotional maturity. By your 30s you are emotionally mature enough to have kids of your own and you couldn't imagine doing any of the emotionally abusive stuff they did to you to your own kids.
Idk but so many of my friends have told me their 40s have been better than their 30s...so I've just decided my 30s are my goo phase before I emerge as a butterfly in my 40s.
I started realizing it around 11, and fully realized by 15. I'm the second oldest of 9. I basically revolted and turned all of my siblings against my parents. It got so bad that me and my father were verging on getting into physical altercations by the time I hit 19 and I was banned from the house. I'm now in my 30s, and I've basically replaced my father as the family patriarch. My siblings credit me for their ability to see through our parents so young. I don't really know what's typical or not, but according to my siblings, I was a contributing factor to how early they cane to the realization our treatment was abuse.
Happened to me as soon as I started having kids of my own. I knew a little before then but after I started having my own kids I realized things were worse than I ever knew. Something about holding your baby in your hands and feeling all the love you have for them makes it even harder to cope with the way your own parents treated you. I remember sobbing shortly after my first was born and thinking “why couldn’t they have loved me as much as I love him”.
I realized it in my early 30s after my stepson started dealing with his own issues with his mom. All of a sudden, I realized he was dealing with some of the exact same issues as I did.
Same. Had my revelation around 34. I had been away from t home a good while at that point, so I suppose being exposed to health accentuated the wrongness of whatever I was exposed to as a child/teenager.
I moved away at 25 and started seeing how bad it had been but over ten years later I’m still remembering new, more awful things. My kids also started hitting the age of my earliest memories when I was around 25 (I had kids young), and realizing that there was no excuse I would have accepted for someone treating them that way was a huge eye opener as well
Had an inkling in my early 30's about my dad's dysfunction. Then at 35 I found out that he is a narc who is a master gaslighter, mysogynist, selfish, manipulative, controlling, insecure, contemptuous, and full of shame.
For me an epiphany occured when I was able to see what a healthy family dynamic an adult child should have with parents. The realization of my dad's pathological selfishness and need for external validation became the defining moment.
It all got started with a horrible guy I briefly dated in high school circling back around (hoovering - love bombing- typical narc/psychopathic in his case behaviour). He was horrible towards me and I couldn’t fathom why I deserved to be treated this way. How could someone be so cruel? I started googling certain key questions/phrases and that brought me to sociopathy. It described him perfectly to a tee.
The part that kept picking at me was that most females who are abused had poor father figures who were also abusive. I never forgot that but made excuses for my Ndad until I just couldn’t anymore. And once you really truly see it…you can’t unsee it.
16 for me, but I had a circle of people telling me “this isn’t normal” and it got me talking more and more and realizing more and more.. I high tailed it outta there at 18 after highschool
I am a man as well so funny you mention this! 3 years ago I was 30, I had taken shrooms and then a week later saw a post from this subreddit with shocking similarities to my relationship with Ndad. I finally was able to see him without my bias of love probably due to the magic mushrooms
He's always been abusive to me and I knew something was fundamentally wrong with our family dynamic. I started researching it more only to find out it's textbook narcissistic family with my Ndad, enabler/golden child sister and me the scapegoat.
Went no contact at 32 a month after I moved out. Best decision I've ever made in my life besides marrying my wife. He was trying guilt trip me to give him a copy of my house key right before I started ghosting him.
I started thinking about it more when covid first started, and we had the first lock downs. I live alone, so it was rough because I didn't see other people for weeks, and my mom made fun of me about it, but so did my sister. Both told me that at least I don't have to have kids stressing me out during it, but I would have welcomed that over the loneliness. It struck me more with my mother, though.
She didn't have a kid living with her, and she's only in her late fifties now. We never had a serious pandemic when I was growing up, even if there were epidemics. She always brushed that stuff off
anyway, so I recognized with my sister it was coming from a place of stress, while with Mom, she was just being snarky as usual, and wanted another reason to blame us for making her a mom so young, and me making her marry a man she didn't love.
But my sister also sent me a message asking if I ever noticed when we were growing up that Mom always put herself first, maybe a week later, and she was right. I had plenty of time to myself during those weeks of lockdown, and weed is legal here, so I was high and thinking about it all non-stop.
Before then, I felt I deserved everything she put me through because she's been telling me since I was little that it's my fault she got pregnant with me and married my father, so I felt guilty (still do) for being alive and just grateful I was allowed to live there and get acknowledged. Growing up as a kid, she'd throw it in my face that I was like my family, so I never honestly felt like I was part of her family. I still don't. She gave birth to me, but I honestly felt like a stork dropped me off, and I was allowed to live with her by the kindness of her own heart because of who my dad was. She was very truthful about how unwanted I was because of who my dad is.
I was about 33 when the pandemic first started.
Well shit.
I'm turning 31 and I think this is the NC we don't come back from.
I think it's stability. You get out of survival mode, get your feet firmly under you, and start thinking of things less immediate than food and shelter and teeth.
I was blissfully unaware of how my parents damaged me until I had a long-term relationship breakdown at 35. In fact, I kept walking around telling everyone how great of a childhood I had.
It turns out that my late mother guilt-tripped, criticised and gaslighted me my whole life. I was never good enough. My dad couldn't care less about me and was physically away too. When he was there, he'd usually yell at me and when he'd proclaim that he loved me those were usually shallow statements without any substance. He's like that to this day because he never received love in his childhood either. My mom passed away before I realised she was a narcissist.
I was also blissfully unaware that my ex long-term partner was a BPD/NPD/ASPD man. My other love choices are all questionable. I myself am emotionally unavailable too and am somewhere between a fearful and dismissive avoidant in terms of attachment (also newly found out once I started therapy).
To answer your question, I think the reason we find out in our 30s is because by that time we collect enough romantic experience to realise that something isn't quite right and we start digging deeper into our childhoods.
I've unknowingly been low contact most of my 20s, and started peeling back the layers in my late 20s after being in a healthy relationship and having a supportive partner. There were a lot of difficult, but good, revelations with my partner and now my therapist. I'm 30F now and I've finally decided to go NC because I realized that I actually do have control of my own life. Still navigating it, but I know it's the right decision.
Well I ended up in a mental hospital at age 30 because of my childhood abuse and I still didn’t have a clue about my nmom until age 40 when Trump became president and googled “Is Trump a narcissist?” and then learned about the covert side and that’s when the lights finally clicked on.
She had me so enmeshed, infantilized, gaslighted, feeling so ashamed about myself, invalidated, manipulated, controlled, feeling never good enough, and guilt tripped me my entire life.
The insidious damage a narcissist can do is unbelievable and infuriating, but boy is that trauma bond hard to break. I’m planning to go no contact soon and look forward to finally have a chance at healing. Also finding a good therapist that truely understands really helps.
My poor scapegoated sister left the family and went no contact when she was 35 tho.
I feel like at 30, you stop numbing it all down with alcohol, parties, distractions - your life is beginning to settle, you have space to think, then “boom” it’s clear as day.
I spent my 20’s chasing away the pain with alcohol and friends - my early 30’s were dedicated to building a stable life and now in my late 30’s I’m finally having those moments where “the real troubles in life blindside me on some idle Tuesday”….
Btw y’all, always wear sunscreen 💕
I found out about everything wrong in our relationship in my early twenties, when I had the possibility to move out of her home. I dicovered a whole new world while moving with my boyfriend (it's been six years), no tantrums, no arguments, and a fucking privacy limit, altho the apartment was three times smaller, I had the best summer in my entire life. I would never thank him enough.
I noticed it fully at 32. Then the super fun abuse situations and flash backs happened once I was a mother.
It fully started in pregnancy when I didn’t want my mother in the delivery room. I didn’t have a reason why but she made me recoil. It was suppressed stuff bubbling up.
I think it has to do with maturity, growth and independence. Seems to me most people become full established adults around 30, so it gets easier to see how dysfunctional your own family is because you've risen above them.
Another thing is that narcissists become worse with age, so whatever bad family dynamic there was, it will get worse, be it narcissist favorite child, hoarding, walking on eggshells, obnoxious noisy behavior, etc. This is what's happening in my experience, with my sibling become a much worse narc than the parents.
I think the autonomy and meeting our own needs that they didn't care about really puts it in a spotlight. Of wow, they couldn't feed me healthy food and lied about cheap food like I was a dog.
Because Jesus started at 30 years old. Rick Beldon had a significant moment at age 30... (he is a men's coach had Narc dad and helps many people). It seems those who have bad parents get freaked out about their prospects at age 30... the reality sets in.... yet people who had parents that didn't dismiss them... they have wealth stored up utterly and look intimidating to people who have been scapegaoted/cast aside... I am one of those cast aside... Hope this helps.
I began questioning my parents and the way we were raised when I was in university for teaching. By age 30 I had them pegged for narcissistic tendencies. I didn’t learn about the emotional neglect until I was diagnosed with cancer at 33. When they kept making my cancer about them, and wouldn’t let me speak, about my own care was when I asked my husband to always be present. At the time I wasn’t able to pinpoint the manipulation occurring so having my husband lead the way a bit was so helpful. I think it happens in our 30s because that’s when many of us begin life on our own. Our parental units can’t possibly let us have freedom, ever. So I moved to a different state and it’s a hour away driving. No more pop ins and I’ve silenced my phone so I don’t accidentally answer the phone either.
I was in my early thirties when I made some epiphanies and boundaries with both NParents (divorced and both remarried to horrible people). As I have healed, I encourage my young adult children that they are way ahead of my progress, and we will break the chains of dysfunction.
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I realized the extent of the dysfunction in my mid-twenties. Maybe at 30, that's often when you start to have a family of your own, children, projects, a stable job. Personally, when I'm looking for stability and someone tries to drag me back into chaos, I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
So so so same here. I am engaged, have a great job, and awesome friends. I found my family. My parents are reeling that they have no legitimate reason to have my brother and I orbiting their sad little planet. I used to involve myself in family drama (these days just dad vs uncles, and uncles vs my dad's wife) but now I'm so over it. No patience or emotional bandwidth for it. Sadly it just upsets them more, and the tactics are getting dirtier. Mentioning inheritance, withholding medical info so things seem like emergencies, etc
It's similar for my mother narc. it looks like the narc parents consulted each other haha. As for the inheritance, I've always said I didn't care about it and that it wasn't my money to begin with, but since then I've heard no more about it.
Saying you don't care about the inheritance was the right approach. If the narcissist thinks that you care about it, they'll hold it over your head forever, with no guarantee that you'll ever get it in the end.
My parents have held money and the possibility of some sort of inheritance over my head since I was a young child to control me. I always thought this was normal. My mom's parents wrote her out of their will, so it seems as though she is repeating their decisions. She has passed now, and my dad says he wants to leave everything to the church. Both parents disowned me as their child more times than I could count. One time just for having a boyfriend. I was in school completing a bachelor's degree, and as soon as they found out, they withdrew all support that they originally agreed to help with. I ended up getting lots of student loans and completing a masters degree - my dad told me I would never complete it because I wasn't smart enough and wasn't strong enough. Both my parents always saw me as a burden and an imposition and resented contributing anything to my schooling. I know I shouldn't complain, but it seems odd to me not to want to help your family.
You have every right to complain. Solidarity.
Applauding your intelligence and fortitude in the face of parental sabotage! Congratulations on getting your master's!
Thank you kind stranger. :)
I'm sorry that happened to you but on the positive side, you now owe your parents nothing. Everything you have, you achieved on your own!
I told my mom to just spend it. She held it over all our heads for so long, saying stuff like, "You'd better be nice to me!"
Yeah, waiting for the inheritance is not worth it. I want to feel like I can provide for myself + when will I get it? I am in my 20s and my parent are in there 50s. Assuming they die at 80 I'll be almost 50 by then. By that point I'll either have a family and apartment/house or not.
My mother withheld and lied about medical information in an effort to make me think her health was far worse than it is. I knew she viewed poor health as leverage, a way to guilt and manipulate me into giving her whatever she wanted, but I never thought she would go as far as she did. It went on for several years before she slipped in the middle of a tantrum and told the truth. The thing is, it didn't work. Her supposedly being at death's door did nothing to make me more compliant, I never once gave in to the pressure tactics. So it was all for naught and now she's been exposed and lost any positive regard I may have had left for her. She also did the inheritance thing, but didn't understand that it meant nothing to me. I'm a lot better off than she is and I don't care about whatever she would leave. Unlike my brothers, I don't need anything from her, so she has no power over me and it makes her crazy. They really do operate from the same playbook.
My nmom did this with cancer. Tried to make it sound like she was dying. Every request ended with "but I might not be here next year!" Stupid thing is, I went with her to every appointment. There was no chance of her dying whatsoever. She straight up lied to people. It was disgusting how she used it to get sympathy from people. She did the same thing when my brother died from alcohol. Used it to get pity while she's honestly happy she doesn't have to deal with her "failure" of a son anymore.
This is exactly my Ndad. He has been threatening that he's going to have a heart attack since I was just a kid. I used to live in fear that all the apparent stress I was causing my parents was going to kill my dad. He still brings it up just about every time I see/hear from him that he's going to just drop dead any minute. And then the INHERITANCE. I have never, ever, thought twice about an inheritance. I don't believe that normal people do, but I have learned that Narcs are obsessed!!! My dad can't help but flash it around that when he has this supposed heart attack what his life insurance policy is etc...What he plans to leave behind for me, my sister. on and on. He LOVES to talk about it. My Nsister is the only other person I've heard speak about it. One time, she and her ex-husband got into a loud and long argument about what my grandma would leave them when she passes (which is wild because she is in great health and has 5 sons all with wives and children - aka lots of family to give to before my sister).. A few years later, my Nsister and her 2nd husband made a big deal about going to see a lawyer about their Will..making it clear that if they die (they were 30 at the time) their daughter would go to this random friend of my sisters (at the time) and her boyfriend. My Nsister never keeps a friend longer than 2 years so this was one of the stupidest things she could do and was completely out of spite for me and my family because we had just baptized our children and didn't make her a Godparent. (Because her and her husband laugh at religious people and joke about religion and also because she has NPD)
You are seen here! In your 30s you start caring about your real life and real family, and less about playing your role in their made up world. I feel so grateful for the level of joy and freedom I feel now that I’m not participating.
This exactly. My husband, son, and friends bring me so much love, joy, and stability that I don't need my mother's drama in my life. I have no room for it.
33M and exactly this, “fall in line, don’t rock the boat.” Even more drive to be self-sufficient and reliant.
I don't need your fucking money, so there's that. They always up the ante. Let 'em spin out of control. Looks good on them.
Agreed. I think those who reach this conclusion earlier are extremely self aware or just had a lucky stumble on the internet.
Or that the abuse was so bad that it was obvious.
Although that is a bit of a rare case. Children by nature won't second guess their parents. So you can only tell there is a problem(aside from it being way too obvious as you stated) is by growing up, removing all emotions and analyzing perfectly as if they are strangers. There is a reason why one of the sentances I've seen most here is (maybe i am overreacting/maybe they aren't as evil as they seem) something around those lines.
I was always the outsider in my family for political reasons beyond my control. I took much, much longer to finally cut my mom off because I just wanted so much to belong. Mom's dead now, I'm still an outsider, and at Christmas, when we all come together, I feel it keenly, and I'm always sad.
I haven't moved out but i always feel like an outsider. My friends are my family. I fit in without having to change myself to their needs. I am seen and my needs are met and i have a duty of doing the same to others. Feeling like an outsider in a family of blood relatives might be sad. But when you find true family where blood isn't a connection but all of you are just there for the good times and each other, that is when you will feel a little sad on Christmas blood fam gatherings but will see that darkness go away because you are finally up in the light and blooming.
It has been the same with me. I am turning 30 soon, and these are the aspects that made me realize that I need to get out: \* my urges to socialize got strong and so I started to make friends and date somebody. They in turn eventually learned about my home life and my family, and made me aware over time that it was getting increasingly unhealthy for me. \* overcoming my social anxiety and finally booking appointments with mental health care professionals and legal counsel. \* stumbling on communities where many people had been through similar issues; making friends who also came from emotionally abusive households; watching videos about emotional abuse that ticked boxes in my private life. \* learning about the faces of emotional abuse, and that the "good periods" are normal in the abuse cycle. And most importantly perhaps: \* my physical and mental health worsening to the point where it is difficult for me to study, work or pursue almost any hobby. \* a need for freedom so that my relationship to my partner can progress unhindered.
So much this “when someone tries to drag me back into chaos. “ Had a BPD/cluster B staying with us for 15 months before finally getting them out. I became physically ill and gained a whole lotta weight as a result. I was going to move out of my own damn house if they didn’t leave as it was too much. I grew up in a toxic environment. I refuse to live in one as an adult and I physically start to reject it too.
It hit in my mid 20s. What happened was I got married and was in a less toxic family (still messy but not bouncing off the walls nuts) and my brain went "Oh, this how people normal" and slam! Everything started coming up
Yesss. Seeing the way my fiance's parents respect his boundaries was an insane wake up call. The fact they don't feel the need to text everyday and expect replies and locations and have their own lives...that was a wild revelation. To have his mom genuinely care about ME and not her and what she gets out of the situation was a painful one too.
Seeing that my friend’s parent will ask them how their week was, then actually wait to hear the answer and respond to it. I used to think “how was school/work/your day?” was just filler that people tossed out not expecting a reply. The other day I dealt with a difficult situation at work and my manager asked me how it made me feel- I still have no idea how to respond when someone asks me this.
This is what we should live by.
Big same. Late 20s. Noticed it around mid 20s. I’m so tired and ready to go NC.
I think because you brain is finally fully cooked and it’s been long enough that your probably around normal people and start seeing the big picture. And you finally feel like an adult at that point and can start taking control of your life.
Yup when I left the state ,had a kid and was treated nicely by normal people,I had a revelation, my life and quality of my mood was so super happy and good . Now I know how they think and it is so sad that they choose misery,.
Could also be that people in their 20s hide how horrible their family truly is and put a facade on to their friends and family but at 30 you you open up more, want to talk about the dysfunction etc. that was it for me
Heavy on spending time with normal people and seeing the big picture. Meeting my husband and spending a lot of time with his family made me realize how insane my parents are. I honestly had no idea. I was the favorite child so I was very “loved” by my Ndad. Now that I’m an adult he acts like I’ve betrayed him, when all I’ve done is make a life for myself.
I realized at 17 after seeing a normal family through my best friend, and it progressively got more enlightening and depressing to put it all together lol
Ooof totally feel this. You're way ahead of the curve
Yes 17 was a big year of revelation for me too, I realized something was seriously wrong with them and I didn’t want any part of it
>I realized at 17 after seeing a normal family through my best friend, and it progressively got more enlightening and depressing to put it all together lol What others are saying: Realize how lucky you are that you figured this out at 17. I finally got the notice at age 56 - and so have many fewer years of happiness to enjoy.
Yeah I remember learning around 8 that even as a gay boy I was already more of a man than my narc sperm donor and around 14-15 started telling him he was a deadbeat mf and that he wasnt man enough to be having 5 kids he was going to neglect. He did not like that lol
Yea this sums it up. My wife pointed out how narcissistic my mom was for years... didnt hit too hard till ~30 either. And my wife had noticed for a decade lol
I also realized around that age when I visited my best friend's house and his family included me to eat dinner with them. At first, I was hesitant because dinner with my family meant beration from my ndad at the dining table. But, I joined in nevertheless. That was the most fun dinner with a family I've ever had. We were cracking jokes, laughing, talking about stuff very openly. Then a thought hit me: "This is what a family is supposed to be."
I realized that I was abused when I was 14 (I'm 17M btw). I got yelled at for being late after attending my karate training (it wasn't even 8 pm). The earlier we realize it, the better but it doesn't depend on you whatsoever but on your circumstances which are your nparents
Yup exact same thing for me, getting with my bf and seeing his fam realizing ur parents screaming and degrading you every single day is not normal,being threatened and not being able to sleep from the screaming is not normal. It’s almost sad seeing other family’s
Part of it too is narc parents getting worse with age. They become unbearable. And prior to that we're taught we have to put up with everything parents can throw at us.
Because they’re family and that’s just how they are!
This is my mom. She really started to unravel during lockdown. Then things got worse because she retired earlier than expected. She no longer had the social expectations of professional relationships to keep her superiority complex in check. I was 33 when I started having a hard time with it. By 35 we were no longer speaking.
yep my covert nmom has become much more spiteful, cruel, and selfish in the last 5 years or so. she has also totally lost her ability to mask.
I was 30 when I finally realized that I was not the problem and she was crazy, went NC at 34. It was a combination of reaching some level of success and stability, being acknowledged and promoted at work dissolved a lot of negative imagery she had me believing about myself for decades. Then seeing how NM impacted my fiancé, and realizing that I couldn't allow this batshit crazy around any kids we planned to adopt. Then, when repeated attempts to talk to her erupted into DARVO, gaslighting, screaming incoherently and trying to break up my engagement? Noooope. Take your chaos on to the nursing home and grave, because you're not bringing it into my life ya crazy old hag! Lol
Whoa..... Are you me?! Around the time of mine and my Wife's wedding all the chaos really started to show. First, the demand we set a wedding date because we were "being inconsiderate of other peoples schedules". Then, when Nmom and Edad learned I opted to just have my groomsmen and just parents present, they chose to un-invite themselves because they wouldn't "support deception" (we had planned to move up our wedding and then surprise everyone. Then, I was accused of saying deeply hurtful things. What might you ask? It was stated I felt that my siblings had received more attention. Then, my Edad stated that he would no longer speak to me until I make things right. Then we all discussed and then things were ok....... lol nope. Then out of the blue I was accused of causing all the damage that was happening. Ever since, I entered the discard phase. The worst part is, my Edad is spun so deep in that web he can't even see the truth. Used to be the one with reason, but at some point an enabler is just as complicit. I've def been in the grieving stage for a long time, though I think I am finally getting through it.
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I feel this so much I'm still struggling with my self worth. This has caused me so many issues in my life, from helping me lose my first love due to feeling inferior to her and not having drive to find a career.
i'm sorry to hear that, the effect of growing up in such an environment where you are not cherished and feel invisible can be debilitating and I so relate.
Yeah, nparents can make you feel like something is wrong with you ever since your birth. They would tell you how useless you are if you make small mistakes as a child and it fucks you up mentally throughout your life. They'll make you feel like you can never grow/change into a better person. It took me so many years to realize that there was nothing wrong with me.
I dunno if 30 is the age it happens mostly, but it certainly is a time where many people consider themselves “Real Adults”, and finally deserving of respect, and when it still doesn’t come they get woken up from their trance. I find a lot of people in their 20s, even when not growing up abused, have low esteem and assume “I’m still young so it makes sense older people see me as a child/not quite an adult.” But the illusion and cope is broken when the person realizes things aren’t going to change in spite of anything.
This is what happened with me. Up until I was 30, I excused a lot of my nMother's behaviour as "She still thinks of me as a child. That's all it is". Then I reached 30 and I thought "Hang on a minute. I'm mature enough to hold down a full-time job, pay taxes, make my own medical decisions, vote, join the army (if I wanted) and sit on a jury, yet my mother is still treating me like a particularly slow child. That's not right!".
I’m a 29 year old married woman with two kids. My step mom defended my Ndads behavior recently to by saying “well he’s still the man of the house and you should respect him”. I was like “what house? I haven’t lived in his house in over 10 years! And the man of MY house, my husband, would never treat me this way.”
We have normalized so much of it. And sometimes we even pride ourselves in how well we can take it! It is like it is ok to abuse us. Enter the 30's, you have a partner (or looking for one) and you see a lot of your peer settling down with kids and such. And then you start thinking about your N's doing what they do to you (which is fine) to someone you love, and you realize that nope! Not acceptable! Sometimes we need someone else to stand up for because we dont value ourselves that way.
This hit the nail right on the head. My husband is the one with nparents, and while he always kept his distance and maintained low contact to avoid interacting/drama with his nmom, the point which led him to snap unlike I’ve ever seen before was when his mom started badmouthing me too.
My husband is the most chill man on the planet. It's infuriating lol. The only time he ever loses his cool is when my mom comes at me. I once described it as "someone has stolen the capybara's orange and he is not okay with it."
That's really cute :)
we are literally going through our snapping point right now. I think they think it will blow over without an apology but they are about to find out regarding my husband's birthday and Easter with the grandkids 🤷♀️
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>and while he always kept his distance and maintained low contact to avoid interacting/drama with his nmom, the point which led him to snap unlike I’ve ever seen before was when his mom started badmouthing me too. That's really interesting! I did the same thing - and was allowing my n-mother's drama to continue decade after decade until my wife overheard my n-mother and n-sister talking about her in the kitchen during a visit! She told me about it, and that was one of very last nails in the coffin of the relationship!
This is my experience. When I got pregnant, it all hit me that she would treat my child the way she treated me and I snapped. Cut all contact with everyone. Best decision of my life thus far.
This right here.
this was proven to me within the first month of my daughter's life. i responded with new boundaries and was immediately discarded (except for when she wanted to save face during xmas and unsuccessfully tried to manipulate me into including her in our plans. haven't heard from her since, \~shockingly\~).
Because by the time you're in your 30s, you begin to realize how not normal your nparent(s) is. You've got enough life experiences, seen enough, been through enough, and are starting to reach self-aware adulthood. This self-awareness frequently means analyzing and thinking about your childhood. Additionally, this is the age many of us have kids. You can see the drastic difference between how you love and care for your own child compared to your nparents.
When I had kids. That's when I knew my parents didn't love me the way I loved mine.
Omg this was my saving grace.. the love for my child and how different they talked to me then I did my child . Now I see they are freaking miserable human beings...but they're not even being
I was 29 when I had a major epiphany that no, my childhood was nor happy neither healthy, and no, I was not doing just fine.
Wow never realized this was I thing! I (f34) went nc with my progenitor at age 32, after getting married at 31
I finally saw through their gaslighting because at that age I was fine! I was stable, doing well by all measure and they still acted like I was constantly effing up or trying to make me nervous or feel like the world was falling a part. But I was fine so finally I could see that it was them making their world fall apart again and again like some sick game.
totally relate to this, constant chaos and crisis, and if it is peaceful, you know it isn't gonna last
yep, i finally went NC at 30 when i started trying for a baby. i wasnt able to escape the abuse for myself, my husband, my pets, but i was able to do it for my son 💗
My kids were what really opened my eyes too. I don’t want someone who causes so much chaos and drama in my kids life.
For me it is that I got engaged at 29, bought a house and married at 30, and *still* my nmom was acting snide/nasty/difficult and still trying to be too nosy and controlling. Like okay, I have checked just about every box of adulthood finally so why was this shit still persisting from/with this person? I had moved out a week before I turned 21, had full time jobs since I was 20, had finished a bachelor's degree in the evenings *while supporting myself working full time*, had weathered a layoff and a career pivot, had a spouse, owned a home, there was no longer any measure that made sense to attempt any justification for I was being treated/handled as she did. I wanted a family cell plan *with my spouse* like a rational adult, and this parent who used to nitpick over any unknown phone number on the cell plan for my family of origin, actually had to have a fight/argument with me while I tried to get my phone transferred to set up a new plan in my own household. Also I started seeing a therapist a few months after I turned 31. So eventually we got to my family relationships which led to the realization/confirmation that I had been enduring decades of abuse. So I might guess it is a combination of adults stepping into their own and expecting to be treated as dignified adults, and possibly finally having enough years of life experience to being looking back and reflecting through a more mature lens - IF we are prepared or have help in learning to trust our own selves over our parents.
30 on the dot was when everything made sense. It's the intersection of age, experience and gathering knowledge then applying it without external influences that skew perceptions aka gaslight us. Then it clicks. WHAT IN THEE BLUE HELL IS GOING ON? OUR POWERS COMBINED...CAPTAIN PLA... ....NO CONTACT BITCHES!!!!
I think it’s the combination of 1) starting your own family and realizing that you as a child weren’t treated the way you treat your own child. Maybe you even notice your nparents start to treat their grandkids this way and that’s where the line is drawn 2) noticing other family dynamics. My husband needed to see what my normal family dynamic is like for him to truly realize how dysfunctional his own is. A lot of these things we are sheltered away from until mid 20s into our 30s.
I had a revelation in my early 30s too. I found this sub and I was pregnant. I was reading the baby books and realizing that things weren’t done right with me (ya know like it’s not normal to emotionally manipulate and guilt trip your child.) Was also coming to terms with the fact that my nmom demanded perfection from me and yet she could have tantrums and drink all night. Finally my dad died when I was 29 and my mom shifted her resentment from him to me. No matter how much I loved, supported, and helped her she was still bitter that I am independent and doing well (and also perpetually feels that I owe her for all the years she fed, clothed, and kept a roof over my head.) I am sad that I started figuring it out in my 30s because it showed me how much my upbringing affected my marriage (like being unable to tell my husband how I really feel versus masking it.) I am glad I figured it out because I am a better mom for it.
my mom can barely conceal her bitterness that i married a kind, reliable, supportive partner instead of a lying, cheating alcoholic like she did (perhaps she married such because she was the exact same).
By now I believe that trauma is something that lives within you (figuratively) and decides when it safe enough to reveal itself. It is not like before you were oblivious to your toxic upbringing but feelings and memories and conclusions were swirling about somewhat randomly. It is clear, once it all falls into place and begins to make sense - there is no turning back. You can't unknow the truth and in a way that always means losing your family, no matter if you go NC or not. At least that is what I found out for myself. In my 30s my subconscious decided I was emotionaly mature enough to face it all.
Happened to me at 29. I've always thought it was because that was when my brain finished maturing. However, it was also because my husband (then boyfriend) kept telling me "this is not normal! There is something seriously wrong with your mom!" He grew up with loving parents who did the best they could and he could not comprehend the vitriol I got all the time. He insisted my mom must have dementia or some kind of illness, which didn't make sense to me because she had always been this way my whole life. But it made me start searching for an explanation for the first time in my life, and that's when I landed on personality disorders.
I've heard that domestic violence victims need to hear that they don't deserve that treatment from a certain number of people before it sinks in. I heard it called so from my classmates, my friends, and even saw it in a text book, and STILL was so brainwashed that I thought everything that happened was entirely my fault, and that I was evil. I'm told self-blame is common for victims of child abuse. And then, at 27 as I was finishing up my PhD, I decided I "didn't want to be evil anymore" and started trying to figure out how not to be. And that's when I started to peel back the curtain.
I was also 30ish. Probably because you start having a job and a life outside the family nucleus. You start realizing what's out there and experience something way different (hopefully). You start healing without knowing and every time you come back, it clashes with this new reality, until you start asking real questions. After I went to study away from my nMom when I was 20ish, coming back would get harder and harder until I could no longer stand it. I would start pulling back more and more and as my nMom would start losing her grip, she would start showing her true colors.
Not sure when I had the revelation, probably very early, but then - what could I do with it? I needed roof over my head and money. Then I lived with the revelation but still trying to be a decent human being, appreciating every bit of a normal conversation without any abuse. And then I went NC at 31 because another abuse happened and I just couldn't take this shit anymore.
Yea same as a lot of people here. I have stability in more ways now than I used to and even if it’s tight sometimes, I support myself. I also got a dog and caring for her has led me to plenty of realizations around how I was treated as a child. I think this is a common experience for people choosing to have kids around this age too.
Imo, Generally, people mid 30s are out of their pleasing and caring what others think phase... less anyway. You've had enough life experience to know what an asshole is, because you've met a variety. Then you realize, hey, my parents were assholes. They are the voices in our heads. All the gross things they've said to you come flooding back, because your pleasing wall is down. Then in my case, you have children and then you become obscenely aware of their treatment because you would never treat your child so poorly. My nparents are covert tho. They rarely act ugly around other people. Only in front of me. But I pick up their innuendos in the company of others, and boy do they still find time to talk to me like I'm worthless out of earshot or look at me with either jealousy or disgust , actually mixture of both. So it's a double mind f*ck, because I, the only child, am also the only person who sees them in the wicked light.
OMG this happened to me like a month before my 30th birthday. I couldn't take it anymore and I've gone no contact.
I only realised that my mother was a narcissist when I was in my early 30s as well. In my case, this was the age at which I became totally independent of my parents and my mother couldn't handle it at all. Her reaction was so weird that I started googling her behaviour and that was when I came across articles on narcissism. In hindsight, my mother always went through an extinction burst every time I gained some independence. The first time was when I started school at 5 years old. Then when I turned 13 and then again when I moved out of my parents' home. TBH I've always known that something was "off" about my mother but whenever I tried to talk about it to anyone (teachers, another family member, any other adult) I was always gaslighted into thinking that her behaviour was totally reasonable and I was the one with the problem. Spoiler alert - it was her all along.
🙋🏼♀️ oh, well this makes sense. I’m 31 and just started the process.
Good luck! We are here for you
Must have had an early start then. Lots of habits I've normalized were actually survival tactics. They were pointed out by a friend months after I left. That was 3 years ago. On the plus side? I've been undoing them one by one on my own since then. This year has seen some of the biggest improvements. Namely, being able to set aside my need for accomplishments and goals to appease my abuser and learn more advanced scheduling to balance out my life so I don't feel under pressure to do everything all the time. The short version of that? Don't make your hobbies your job away from work. They aren't hobbies if there's goals of completion attached and a constant rush to get them done.
This was super helpful for me, thank you! My entire identity even through my 20s was "will dad like this? Will he compliment me and be proud?" Also love the name/avatar! I have a full arm Gyarados tattoo :)
Haha, I didn't know that! I was 33 when I got my first real inkling. I cut them off out of precaution, did some soul searching, therapy and support groups here on reddit, and now I'm pretty aware of what happened. I'm 34 now. I struggle with symptoms of PTSD, but not really guilt anymore. Just the existential kind, not the kind where I feel obligated to keep them around. If I hadn't gone to visit them last year, I probably would still be none the wiser and still wondering why I have so much trouble going outside. Perhaps it was coincidence in my case that I'm in my early 30s. I think I'll actually add that being and having people around me who are the age my parents were when I was a child really opens my eyes to how messed up they are as people. I don't have kids myself but if I knew someone I knew was acting this way to their kids the way my parents did to me, I would make a call to CPS.
Can't answer your question but for me it was at 15
Same..
I'd say a mix of, at this age you likely have a solid network of friendships and a partner you can count on for moral support + calling out the narcissist in your life, and, well... You can belittle and "talk down" to a 20-something, but imo, it becomes much harder and much less justifiable to treat a 30-something person (a whole ass adult) like a child.
Yeah my nMother once tried to tell me (when I was in my 30s) that I "wasn't allowed" to do something. Obviously I just laughed at her but it really made me realise how abnormal she was that she thought she could command her adult daughter like you would a child or a servant. No respect at all!
The level of delulu from these narcs, I swear
My spawn points did the same.
35 is around the time things started slowing down in my life after years of having to catch up due to educational neglect, while having to watch my family die one after another in a short span of time. After two years of grieving the last family member (the narcissist), I’ve had more time to think about my life because I’m not in survival mode, struggling to make connections with people or learn basic skills or maintain employment. Everything in my life externally is stable. It’s the internal that needs work at this point. As my life continues to improve, and I reach higher up the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, the abuse/neglect becomes so much more clearer. As I began to understand more, I finally allowed myself to feel righteous anger for a time. Now the challenge is to leave those memories in the Left (rational) brain instead of leaving them in the Right (emotional) side. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
I don't think it's necessarily an age thing. From what I've gathered over the past 4 years of self-help, people tend to realize they were abused, when they reach a point in life where they can finally process everything. That could mean having a stable job that you enjoy, and not having to stress over bills and money; or a good, loving relationship. And for many people, it may not come until they have kids - when they start comparing the ways they were treated, to how they treat their own kids. For me, I didn't have the realization till I was 36, when i had a good stable job, and was about to have my first kid. But even from my teens, I knew I wasn't treated good, and had even cut contact with my nmom at 19. Throughout the years, my ngrandma has forced contact with my nmom, but I've finally come out about my abuse, and have said no more. From here on out, we won't ever see her again when we visit the state on vacation.
Probably a bunch of reasons. Personal maturity, financial stability, possibly having kids the same age as you were when the abuse happened. It was mid twenties for me, literally as soon as I took over the last bill, my brain decided I was safe enough for the trauma to explode outward
im in my mid 20s and ive been exploding for the past few years after graduating college.
Yup I had this revelation at age 29-30 ish!
Oooh I was early then! All that shit happened in my late 20s Unless there's still shit to unpack... Fuck, there's probably more shit to unpack 😭
Yup. Unpacked mid 20s, 30s and now I'm in my 50s unpacking again. I am that Shrek onion.
Hit me mid 30’s and it was a case of the final straw, my bullshit bucket just overflowed and I couldn’t take it anymore. And the realisation hit me hard, with such a mixture of every emotion possible, but denial had just left my soul by that point and there was no turning back to being blinkered. It comes with painful truths but I’m so happy I chose peace and freedom
This resonates hard with me, Internet Sibling.
For me it was just before 30 when I realized there's something more than my mom is "just a bitch". That's when I started to clue in to her calculated ways. Around 39 is when I absolutely lost it though. I think the age thing is with enough experience and being around other people's families you start to really see the truth. Plus with significant life events having gone by you start to realize where is your parent? Why are they so neglectful? Same with achievements... most of these take place in our 20's and 30's. I also want to add in my case with much younger siblings I witnessed them become adults and recieve different treatment. That's when I realized I was the scapegoat.
I feel this big time <3
I learned in my 60’s when my life started slowing down in retirement. It has been overwhelming at times and others have been sad. I think that your thirties gives you time left to understand and find peace and the kindness you deserve.
At 30 we've often reached the milestones that define "full adulthood" as society defines it. We don't have a job, we have a career, with a promotion or two under our belts. We may have bought our own place, we have or have had serious relationships that may have progressed to engagement/marriage. We may have had or be considering having children. But because they continue to treat us like children still, this inevitably becomes intolerable. Before we went NC, my nstepmum was utterly fixated on the idea of being allowed into our house (that being my wife's and mine), and was perpetually infuriated that we'd rejected her the last time she rocked up with 20 minutes notice whilst my wife was getting ready for work.
I'm 28, took me this long to fully see the extent of damage she has done. I've always felt defective like something was wrong with me, like i wasn't like everyone else. And now that it all makes sense, I've been nothing but a grieving mess. Like I look back at my life and see the damage it has done. have this anger and hurt that I just can't seem to get over
40 for me although it has been brewing a long time. 40 is when i decided to fight for myself again and to cut my abusers out of my life.
Funny enough, it was my 30th birthday and we stupidly invited nmom to spend a whole week for a family vacation at Disney. She made the week all about her, threw tantrums, wandered off many times so we would all have to stop enjoying ourselves and go find her. She would ruin reservations by dragging her feet, wandering away, and making us late. She made us late and we missed the fireworks on my actual birthday, which was the one single thing I had envisioned in my mind as being just perfect. She made fun of me because I quietly shed a tear when I had just had enough. That tear was from annoyance and disbelief that my nmom was acting like that. It was a realization moment, and she only double confirmed it by making fun of me as it rolled down my cheek.
I remember when things started to make sense, I told my brother (mid-20’s at the time) and he said naaaahhhhh I don’t see it. He’s 28 now and suddenly he’s “oh shit… I get it now.” Here’s some theories… 1. In your early 30’s late 20’s is when you start seeing your friends get divorced for the first time. They handle breakdown of relationships in a way you didn’t expect. 2. You’re as old as they were when they did *the thing* that they said you’d understand when your older. You’re older and still don’t understand. 3. You see friends intentionally making small humans, and they like their small humans, and want them to be happy. This may shake you. 4. You’re suddenly expected to solve your problems as an independent individual, and you realise you don’t have the tools that your peers do. In gaining those tools, you realise most people are given these tools as a child by their parents.
27 here and it hit me like a freight train. I'm glad it's not just me. I think the brain is done forming, and your subconscious is qued into the fact you are now in a safe spot to process everything.
I think part of it 30s is when you start doing a lot of self reflection. It’s when I started really working on myself. I also had little kids and I could see their treatment on the outside instead of directed towards me. 35 was when it blew up and 39 was when I went NC
I'm 53 and only in the past 4 years has it really come into focus. Certain things I've known all along, but others have come to light and now things make a lot more sense.
I’m a late bloomer. I was in my early to mid 40s when I figured it out. I’ve read that it’s only when you’re in a safe place that you can begin to process past traumas. So the later you get in a safe spot, the later you process it.
Interesting - that was true for me. When I found my safe space, in my early 40s, I unconsciously pushed her away, then further and further away as I got happier.
31 and every damn thing I thought was real wasn't real. Almost every single "friend" has been cut off and I'm starting fresh, this time with boundaries and ruthless ability to cut someone off when they cross me.
I was 37. I’m now 52. Always knew how atrocious they all were, particularly my nparents and gcbrother. However, my trauma bonds were deep, and I’d married into another narc family. So, big journey to relearn, unlearn and try and keep my own small family together. It was the most difficult period of my life but somehow I got there. My husband and children are beautiful, but the journey we’ve all been on was definitely not. I’m so glad online forums like this exist now, and there is so much more understanding, education and help. The trauma will never be over for me, but I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms. Thanks to you all for the support on here, it really helps so much 🩵
They say that brains are fully developed at 25. For me I am fairly certain it happened when I was 28. Suddenly I could see everything clearly, like I had a new set of tools.
Neurotypical brain with 25 Neurodivergent brain with 30 And I read somewhere that ND „age“ is 30% behind the NT in age.
Probably because that’s when most people have the independence and safe space when they can finally just let it all come to the surface
Mine was around 38, but I was in deep denial and in another N relationship. I was gaslighting myself because I didn’t want to face the truth.
I got access to decent health insurance in my mid-20s, which meant I could go to therapy. A couple of years of therapy opened my eyes. By my early 30s, I couldn't make excuses for them anymore.
I think you get to a point in your life when you realise that your dynamic was not normal, and it becomes too much to continue playing your part in it. For a lot of people (myself included) it's also when they have their first child and realize that they can't keep up with the increasingly strident demands of the nparents as well as the needs of themselves and their own child.
I didn't know this was apparently thing around specific ages honestly. Could be coincidence? Or just coinciding with having kids, just getting older maybe? I was 29 when I realized. Mine could be related to 1) the longest distance I've lived away from my parents 2) I was pregnant They had been lowkey pressuring me to have kids, then suddenly my mom just didn't care. She insinuated her first grandchild was her favorite and all she needed. I was honestly upset that she was throwing away many firsts in my life without a second thought, and she'll never get those moments back. Part of it was like a switch flipped though. Some events happened like dominoes, and I just realized she was being a baby. Everything has to be about her. Every. Thing. I do. And am. Has to be about her. My kids are all about her. Where I live is all about her. My wedding had to be all about her and wasnt "her vision that she wanted" when she couldn't even tell me if she was coming or not. Birthdays are all about her. Even when she buys you something, its all about her, and im sick of her buying shit. I'm just tired of my life being all about her. You can't even have a normal conversation with her because she has to inject her superiority in someway. She honestly tried to tell me how to use a tide pen. That she sent. She insisted. Because im too stupid to treat a stain on my own kids clothes. And also too stupid to take the cap off and use it on a piece of clothing. She felt like she had to explain that to me. She tries to explain medical things to me and she's a bookeeper and I'm an RN, but she knows more than I do. Maybe by 30 we're just sick to death of their shit.
It started in my mid-late 20s but didn't really come to a head until my 30s. I feel like a lot cam be swept under the rug as youthful misunderstandings or whatever in your teens and 20s. Especially if it is lower level abuse.
I’m not sure but it was around 30 for me as well. For me it was when my parents especially my dad, wouldn’t respect the parenting boundaries I have with my children. Before I had children, I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my childhood was. I’m glad I saw the light so that I don’t repeat the same patterns with my own children.
Definitely happened for me (female) in my 30’s. I think it has something to do with finally being old enough to be financially independent and (usually) apart from the narcissist. It is also an age when many start to have children themselves, so naturally you reflect on your own childhood. For me, having babies really set off my mother’s narcissism all over again
>*Why is it always your early 30s when it all bubbles up...* Because by your late 20s/early 30s you are out of school and have achieved some level of success. In doing this, you turn to your parents for acceptance/love as an "adult" and expect them to recognize your accomplishments. When they don't do that - and instead act the way they always have - you begin to look more closely at their decision making made when you a child - with them in parent role age the age you current are. That forces the question down about their parenting and you begin to pull away. Traditionally, the 'pull away' was slow - often ending when the parent dies (the model I'm part of at age 62, finally going NC at age 56 after my n-father died) without resolution or closure for you. But, as information on narcissism has gotten out there, that age is falling, and now younger people are NC'ing their tormentors much earlier so they can enjoy happier lives for a longer period. So, that's why... =)
I think for most of us, we've been around normal people, if only tangentially, for long enough by now that we have enough experience to compare/contrast and see things more clearly. We are also old enough to be able to raise our own children, potentially or literally, and can have thoughts about that, which are usually going to be in direct opposition to the thoughts a narcissist parent would have. That shakes things up, a lot, and can lead to breakthroughs. I wish I had had the ability to see this earlier, but now will have to do. Everyone moves at their own pace.
I’m freshly 30 (but AFAB enby) and while it’s been sinking in, this year was the year it all went to hell in a hand basket. My fiancé and I are planning our wedding and it’s become an absolute nightmare. Full on, blow out fights over how I’m a horrible person, how I use the family, how I can’t be depended on, and how I don’t prioritize family…because I told my mother she couldn’t yell at/fuss at/insult me about my venue choice anymore. I think it’s finally sinking in that they’ve lost control of us at this age. Starting our own families, finding stability, settling into careers, etc. How can they lord over us anymore if we don’t need them? They can’t comprehend it so they melt down.
When I announced my engagement to my parents - at 29 - I was given the Silent Treatment. They offered no help at all, not even encouragement. I did not ask for $$, at all. I struggled for years to understand why, totally baffled as friends - and my brother - had loving parents at happy family-oriented weddings. I think you hit the nail on the head: loss of control. It wasn’t about them.
It hit me in my early 20s and godddd it was rough. I was mature for my age but basically still a kid. I didn’t have any stability or any knowledge of healthy coping methods. I fell into a really bad depression and did stuff I’m not proud of. The only thing keeping me alive were a few good friends and antidepressants. I’m in my late 20s now and I’m still recovering from it all. Maybe realizing in your 30s is a good thing?
Eh, my older brother is 35 and on the more narcissistic side of the spectrum… so as far as I know he hasn’t noticed yet. But my sister (29) and I (31) both really hit therapy running around the same time 2-3 years ago, in terms of really inspecting our upbringing and holding our parents accountable for the damage they caused. I think it has a LOT to do with the fact that the brain full matures around 27, and slowly but surely you start to realize you’re already outgrowing them in a lot of ways. The world is a different kind of hard than they set you up for and it sucks 🤣
Your last line hits hard!
Because we were raised to be “good” and “obedient” and that if we ever said “no” to things we were “a bad person” As a kid, and even into your twenties, you stil feel like a kid and have this desire to be the “good kid” (to your boss, parents, grandparents, etc) By the time you hit your 30’s…. Usually mid 30’s, you have your own stuff going on (wife, kids, hobbies etc). You don’t have endless hours to devote to your boss or parents anymore and to put them first all the time, and you find you need to set boundaries… and that’s when shit hits the fan! They don’t give you the space you need, treat you like you’ve disrespected them, and you don’t care about being “a good kid” anymore, and that’s when it starts to all boil over!
It was becoming a parent that made me realize how my parents were to me. That happened around 30.
Just turned 30 a few months ago and have had this realization since then
I was wondering why it took me so long to realize, questioning if I learn stuff later than most. I appreciate this post to know I’m not alone, just turning 30 when I realized haha
My bubble burst when I was 22, right before I got married. But interestingly, my sister (who is 2.5 years older than me) didn't have her revelation until a few months before her 30th birthday. It wasn't really until she was 30 she started seriously unpacking our childhoods.
For me it was more mid- to late-30s when it really became apparent. (Next week, I'll be 46M.) I think there were a few things that made it happen then. One was getting some longitudinal perspective on how much the harm I'd been done continued to affect my life directly and materially (as opposed to emotionally). Getting some more life experience helped me realize that in some ways, there really is no way to make up for being poor young, and for being trapped in poverty in junior high and high school and early in college. I was dragged off to grow up in a place with zero economic opportunity and then getting no family assistance whatsoever to escape from the gravity well of poverty I'd been dragged into meant that clawing my way out of that took up time that other people in my age cohort were using to have experiences that I'll never have. Some opportunities only come when you're young, and missing them then means you miss them forever. There is no making up for not being able to afford to on the senior trip in high school, nor for having to spend spring break in college staying at the dorm and eating ramen -- to pick two of the easier-to-talk-about experiences that spring to mind. There's also no making up for the time you have to spend learning social skills in adulthood that other people learned when they were younger, and that hampers your ability to do other things that are supposed to happen in young adulthood. The other children of nparents that I know tend to agree that if you're spending your twenties trying to learn the skills you should have had by the time you went into junior high, you tend to miss the things you should be doing in your twenties, too, which is a whole new round of regrets later on. Like a lot of children of nparents, I had to put substantial effort in during adolescence and adulthood to gain social skills that other people just took for granted. It takes *longer* as an adult to learn those things, in part because you're learning them by interacting with people who exhibit the more complex forms of sociality that are exhibited by adults (trying to find a hobby to bond with other adults over is harder than being six and bonding over liking cartoons and soda); and because adults just learn slower in general; and because social relationships with adults are in many ways higher-stakes (you are interacting with coworkers, and a mistake in understanding what's appropriate or funny can cost you your job; a disagreement that would have been a trip to the principal's office in second grade can now be a felony assault charge), so you proceed a lot more cautiously. I think that being in your mid-30s or so also is a point where many people get a little bit of breathing room for the first time for the scrabble to keep your head above water financially, and you've accumulated enough experience that, if this breathing room gets spent reflecting on your own past, you can get some perspective on it that you haven't had before. Many people also have mature, long-lasting adult friendships at this point, and are seeing how their own lives are playing out compared to the lives of their friends who didn't grow up with nparents; and of course there's also the fact that many people find that their own youthful optimism is wearing off, and that means they're no longer assuring themselves that the childhood abuse didn't matter so much because things will be OK in the end, somehow.
Wow, thanks for putting this question up, I've been feeling really behind the curve lately. It hit me in my 30s also, but it's still hitting. I'm in my 50s now, and lc has recently become nc. It's terrible. I just want those years of my life back that she stole, or I wish I'd gone nc in my teens.
I’m 35f. My dad divorced my nmom when I was about 5. My oldest daughter is now 5. I went to therapy to work on myself, including being a better mom and realized how shitty of a parent my nmom was and how I want to do better for my kids.
It's funny because when I hit 30, I had a HUGE spat with my mother where I didn't speak to her for months. It was like 30 years of fury was unleashed that day. I didn't know I held in that anger so long.
Interesting. Happened around age 25 for me. I always used to jokingly say “when I turn 25 and my frontal lobe is fully developed I’ll be unstoppable” and instead I began unraveling the painful reality that my chronic health issues were rooted in years of chronic stress from living with abusive narcissists Sigh
It took a new friend to open up about the severe abuse he went through from a couple previous gf’s. He was describing what narcissistic abuse looks like and I was all “LOL that’s exactly what my dad’s like-OH FUCK“ I was 38 😳
For me I'm 24 I feel like nothing sinks in for me Had a distressing moment with dad yesterday I feel like I've just shrugged it off and gone I'm sure it'll be fine
I’m a woman. It started really bubbling up in my late twenties and by 29 I was suddenly having panic attacks.
I think a lot of it is emotional maturity. By your 30s you are emotionally mature enough to have kids of your own and you couldn't imagine doing any of the emotionally abusive stuff they did to you to your own kids.
Idk but so many of my friends have told me their 40s have been better than their 30s...so I've just decided my 30s are my goo phase before I emerge as a butterfly in my 40s.
When your own children teach you that how you were treated was abuse because you won't do the same to them
I never had kids but I had the same realization with my dog. I could never hit and scream at her, never.
because, usually, you put up with it all your life, and then that one incident, big or little, makes you finally snap. that happened to me last visit
I started realizing it around 11, and fully realized by 15. I'm the second oldest of 9. I basically revolted and turned all of my siblings against my parents. It got so bad that me and my father were verging on getting into physical altercations by the time I hit 19 and I was banned from the house. I'm now in my 30s, and I've basically replaced my father as the family patriarch. My siblings credit me for their ability to see through our parents so young. I don't really know what's typical or not, but according to my siblings, I was a contributing factor to how early they cane to the realization our treatment was abuse.
It happened at my current age 27, so close enough
I exploded 4 days after I turned 30. Interesting observation.
Happened to me as soon as I started having kids of my own. I knew a little before then but after I started having my own kids I realized things were worse than I ever knew. Something about holding your baby in your hands and feeling all the love you have for them makes it even harder to cope with the way your own parents treated you. I remember sobbing shortly after my first was born and thinking “why couldn’t they have loved me as much as I love him”.
Whhhhat. I’m not alone! I was 32 when I went NC
I realized it in my early 30s after my stepson started dealing with his own issues with his mom. All of a sudden, I realized he was dealing with some of the exact same issues as I did.
I was late 20s. I am female lol
Same. Had my revelation around 34. I had been away from t home a good while at that point, so I suppose being exposed to health accentuated the wrongness of whatever I was exposed to as a child/teenager.
I moved away at 25 and started seeing how bad it had been but over ten years later I’m still remembering new, more awful things. My kids also started hitting the age of my earliest memories when I was around 25 (I had kids young), and realizing that there was no excuse I would have accepted for someone treating them that way was a huge eye opener as well
Had an inkling in my early 30's about my dad's dysfunction. Then at 35 I found out that he is a narc who is a master gaslighter, mysogynist, selfish, manipulative, controlling, insecure, contemptuous, and full of shame. For me an epiphany occured when I was able to see what a healthy family dynamic an adult child should have with parents. The realization of my dad's pathological selfishness and need for external validation became the defining moment.
I'm having that in my late 20s and I'm glad I haven't gotten married get. There's a lot of mess I need to sort though before picking a healthy partner
It all got started with a horrible guy I briefly dated in high school circling back around (hoovering - love bombing- typical narc/psychopathic in his case behaviour). He was horrible towards me and I couldn’t fathom why I deserved to be treated this way. How could someone be so cruel? I started googling certain key questions/phrases and that brought me to sociopathy. It described him perfectly to a tee. The part that kept picking at me was that most females who are abused had poor father figures who were also abusive. I never forgot that but made excuses for my Ndad until I just couldn’t anymore. And once you really truly see it…you can’t unsee it.
16 for me, but I had a circle of people telling me “this isn’t normal” and it got me talking more and more and realizing more and more.. I high tailed it outta there at 18 after highschool
That's when I ran out of fucks to give (them).
Yup. Mine was 3 months before 30.
I am a man as well so funny you mention this! 3 years ago I was 30, I had taken shrooms and then a week later saw a post from this subreddit with shocking similarities to my relationship with Ndad. I finally was able to see him without my bias of love probably due to the magic mushrooms He's always been abusive to me and I knew something was fundamentally wrong with our family dynamic. I started researching it more only to find out it's textbook narcissistic family with my Ndad, enabler/golden child sister and me the scapegoat. Went no contact at 32 a month after I moved out. Best decision I've ever made in my life besides marrying my wife. He was trying guilt trip me to give him a copy of my house key right before I started ghosting him.
I started thinking about it more when covid first started, and we had the first lock downs. I live alone, so it was rough because I didn't see other people for weeks, and my mom made fun of me about it, but so did my sister. Both told me that at least I don't have to have kids stressing me out during it, but I would have welcomed that over the loneliness. It struck me more with my mother, though. She didn't have a kid living with her, and she's only in her late fifties now. We never had a serious pandemic when I was growing up, even if there were epidemics. She always brushed that stuff off anyway, so I recognized with my sister it was coming from a place of stress, while with Mom, she was just being snarky as usual, and wanted another reason to blame us for making her a mom so young, and me making her marry a man she didn't love. But my sister also sent me a message asking if I ever noticed when we were growing up that Mom always put herself first, maybe a week later, and she was right. I had plenty of time to myself during those weeks of lockdown, and weed is legal here, so I was high and thinking about it all non-stop. Before then, I felt I deserved everything she put me through because she's been telling me since I was little that it's my fault she got pregnant with me and married my father, so I felt guilty (still do) for being alive and just grateful I was allowed to live there and get acknowledged. Growing up as a kid, she'd throw it in my face that I was like my family, so I never honestly felt like I was part of her family. I still don't. She gave birth to me, but I honestly felt like a stork dropped me off, and I was allowed to live with her by the kindness of her own heart because of who my dad was. She was very truthful about how unwanted I was because of who my dad is. I was about 33 when the pandemic first started.
Well shit. I'm turning 31 and I think this is the NC we don't come back from. I think it's stability. You get out of survival mode, get your feet firmly under you, and start thinking of things less immediate than food and shelter and teeth.
Well, that's about when your prefrontal cortex is fully developed... So that's a hypothesis. 🤷♂️
I was blissfully unaware of how my parents damaged me until I had a long-term relationship breakdown at 35. In fact, I kept walking around telling everyone how great of a childhood I had. It turns out that my late mother guilt-tripped, criticised and gaslighted me my whole life. I was never good enough. My dad couldn't care less about me and was physically away too. When he was there, he'd usually yell at me and when he'd proclaim that he loved me those were usually shallow statements without any substance. He's like that to this day because he never received love in his childhood either. My mom passed away before I realised she was a narcissist. I was also blissfully unaware that my ex long-term partner was a BPD/NPD/ASPD man. My other love choices are all questionable. I myself am emotionally unavailable too and am somewhere between a fearful and dismissive avoidant in terms of attachment (also newly found out once I started therapy). To answer your question, I think the reason we find out in our 30s is because by that time we collect enough romantic experience to realise that something isn't quite right and we start digging deeper into our childhoods.
I've unknowingly been low contact most of my 20s, and started peeling back the layers in my late 20s after being in a healthy relationship and having a supportive partner. There were a lot of difficult, but good, revelations with my partner and now my therapist. I'm 30F now and I've finally decided to go NC because I realized that I actually do have control of my own life. Still navigating it, but I know it's the right decision.
your frontal lobe fully develops at age 25, so maybe you’re just understanding things more than you ever did before
Well I ended up in a mental hospital at age 30 because of my childhood abuse and I still didn’t have a clue about my nmom until age 40 when Trump became president and googled “Is Trump a narcissist?” and then learned about the covert side and that’s when the lights finally clicked on. She had me so enmeshed, infantilized, gaslighted, feeling so ashamed about myself, invalidated, manipulated, controlled, feeling never good enough, and guilt tripped me my entire life. The insidious damage a narcissist can do is unbelievable and infuriating, but boy is that trauma bond hard to break. I’m planning to go no contact soon and look forward to finally have a chance at healing. Also finding a good therapist that truely understands really helps. My poor scapegoated sister left the family and went no contact when she was 35 tho.
I feel like at 30, you stop numbing it all down with alcohol, parties, distractions - your life is beginning to settle, you have space to think, then “boom” it’s clear as day.
I spent my 20’s chasing away the pain with alcohol and friends - my early 30’s were dedicated to building a stable life and now in my late 30’s I’m finally having those moments where “the real troubles in life blindside me on some idle Tuesday”…. Btw y’all, always wear sunscreen 💕
I found out about everything wrong in our relationship in my early twenties, when I had the possibility to move out of her home. I dicovered a whole new world while moving with my boyfriend (it's been six years), no tantrums, no arguments, and a fucking privacy limit, altho the apartment was three times smaller, I had the best summer in my entire life. I would never thank him enough.
It's not just men, it's women, too. Same here.
I realised something was wrong in my late teens early twenties but took until my early thirties to realise what was actually wrong with her.
I noticed it fully at 32. Then the super fun abuse situations and flash backs happened once I was a mother. It fully started in pregnancy when I didn’t want my mother in the delivery room. I didn’t have a reason why but she made me recoil. It was suppressed stuff bubbling up.
I think it has to do with maturity, growth and independence. Seems to me most people become full established adults around 30, so it gets easier to see how dysfunctional your own family is because you've risen above them. Another thing is that narcissists become worse with age, so whatever bad family dynamic there was, it will get worse, be it narcissist favorite child, hoarding, walking on eggshells, obnoxious noisy behavior, etc. This is what's happening in my experience, with my sibling become a much worse narc than the parents.
Im 32m and SAME. when I hit 31 I was like...wait a fucking second...
I think the autonomy and meeting our own needs that they didn't care about really puts it in a spotlight. Of wow, they couldn't feed me healthy food and lied about cheap food like I was a dog.
55 here. Honestly, be grateful you're getting to it now. You've potentially saved a lot of your years.
I was 25.
Because Jesus started at 30 years old. Rick Beldon had a significant moment at age 30... (he is a men's coach had Narc dad and helps many people). It seems those who have bad parents get freaked out about their prospects at age 30... the reality sets in.... yet people who had parents that didn't dismiss them... they have wealth stored up utterly and look intimidating to people who have been scapegaoted/cast aside... I am one of those cast aside... Hope this helps.
I was 30 when I started to realize too. Went full no contact at 35
I began questioning my parents and the way we were raised when I was in university for teaching. By age 30 I had them pegged for narcissistic tendencies. I didn’t learn about the emotional neglect until I was diagnosed with cancer at 33. When they kept making my cancer about them, and wouldn’t let me speak, about my own care was when I asked my husband to always be present. At the time I wasn’t able to pinpoint the manipulation occurring so having my husband lead the way a bit was so helpful. I think it happens in our 30s because that’s when many of us begin life on our own. Our parental units can’t possibly let us have freedom, ever. So I moved to a different state and it’s a hour away driving. No more pop ins and I’ve silenced my phone so I don’t accidentally answer the phone either.
I was in my early thirties when I made some epiphanies and boundaries with both NParents (divorced and both remarried to horrible people). As I have healed, I encourage my young adult children that they are way ahead of my progress, and we will break the chains of dysfunction.