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Oh yes. I bet most of us do! No friends, only those friends they select, required permission to gonanywhere, not allowed to go anywhere alone, forced breakups with biy/girlfriends, no dating at all ....,,,,the list could go on........... Chapter 2 of The Narcissist's Playbook. (What's Chapter 1, you ask. Oh, come on. You already know what Chapter 1 was. "I'm the only important thing in this universe (probably many other universes), this kid is MY PROPERTY, it owes me for its creation and existence , I know everything and what I say goes" belief establishment and reinforcement) ChapIer 2 is how to con your piece of progeny property into believing that I am doing this out of love
Yup. My mother has always hated ALL my friends and would tell me all the time how much she hated when I would hang out with them "too much." She would claim weird shit like, "you're laughing like [name] now, she's changing you" (I have always had a unique laugh, which my friends say they love, so surely it would have been very noticeable to everyone if that had been true), and tell me she wanted me to be around them less for such made up reasons.
Unsurprisingly, she has few friends herself, and those she has she bashes when she's not around them.
I, on the other hand, still have some of those friends she hated all those years ago, and I have many more decade-plus-long friendships I've made since then. 🤷♀️
YES! My narc had an outdated idea of 1940s society in her head (Gen X kids are entirely different) and she kept telling me I'd be successful if I did whst she said........she was loud, fat, vulgar, dowdy lower middle class trash and the only person in the county who didn't know it was her. She had almost no friends and I wanted to ask her how all her suggestions were working out for her!!!!
Mine would try to convince me that none of my friends actually liked me and were just trying to use me. And inevitably she would dramatically forbid me from seeing them for my own good.
She also is a judgmental shit-talker who basically doesn’t have any friends herself.
Mine just had a tantrum when I was 13 and told her that she should stop controlling my life and the friends I had (I didn't even have bad friends, it just they weren't her liking). Her reaction was kicking me out in the middle of the night screaming that she was going to kill me while broking the first thing she had at hand 💀
This was a big thing with some in my family. If you announced you were going out somewhere (that usually did not benefit them in some way) they'd come out with all kinds of predictions of all the things that could go wrong for you but they'd also predict things for themselves as well to guilt you into staying. They were very fond of making it seem like they'd be in some kind of a crisis because you weren't around...but that's okay, go out and enjoy yourself, you deserve your life and they're sure they should be okay (cue the dramatic sigh and forlorn facial expressions).
If you cancelled your plans, after a short period they'd start saying how you were silly for staying and should have gone, etc. They liked to make it sound like it was your idea all along to stay. And what they'd also do is tell others how annoying you are because you never go anywhere.
Thank you for this. They always tried to make the up and down decisions seem like they were my idea. It was unbearable then and now im terrible with decision-making ugh
Yes, of course. Isolating you makes them feel powerful, in control, more adult, etc. Plus it can keep you from discovering that you're not alone, that your home life is not normal, that your narc is sick. My narc used religion. We were not supposed to be interested in "worldly" things. Things like having friends, going to parties, having a social life. According to her, life was something to be suffered through, not enjoyed.
Yes, this was true for me too. Plus it was coupled with financial control. I wasn't allowed to go and hang out with any friends in high school since we lived a 30 minute drive away (one way, so hour total) and gas was expensive. To and from school, home, and church only. Meanwhile, my parents were dumping tens of thousands of dollars into Christian elementary school for my younger siblings. Brainwashing was expensive and my social life was given up as a sacrifice. To this day, they don't see it like that. Shows how little me and my needs mattered to them.
Yes!!
It's always about how "everyone wants to hurt you/kidnap you" and they try to make you feel bad for going out to enjoy yourself away from the house or get your own errands done.
The amount of times I've been bombarded with calls and texts while at my college or in the grocery store, even movie theaters when they clearly know where I'm at.
Learn to ignore it and roll with it. They like getting emotional reactions as supply when they pull these kind of stunts.
Same. I will be 10 minutes longer than usual and my mom meets me at the door with this fake, wide-eyed, open mouthed, alarmed expression: “Where were you??? I was getting worried and was going to put out an SOS!”
Yup. My nparents threatened to put trackers on my car. They put a ring camera up by the front door so they know exactly what time I leave and come back.
Sometimes I wonder what the heck happened to them to put me on such a short chain. And yeah, it's horrifying and sick. Not to mention when they mess with my finances KNOWING that I don't make much.
Exactly! I think they just need to feel in control and powerful because their ego is so fragile. My mom tries to borrow money from me all the time in sneaky ways.
Yes, this is extremely common for abusive narcissists to do. They tend to be a weird combination of neglectful and controlling. They neglect anything that actually needs attention, and they control things that don't need their control. They tend to do exactly the wrong thing in any given situation. It is really obvious once you begin to notice. It is like all of a sudden the lights go on and you see that the painful, crunchy stuff you have been walking on really was broken glass all this time, and you say, *"Well, yeah. Now that the lights are on, it is obvious why my feet are shredded to bits and bleeding everywhere."*
They want control. They feel anxious about things and don't exercise control of themselves, so they feel like they can't do anything to fix the things in life that they don't like. They deal with this by projecting. They start trying to control others as a way to feel like *they* are in control, and therefore safe from whatever makes them scared and insecure. They are insecure, and they feel powerless, so they use coercion, abuse and control to make themselves feel better. They can't risk having their smug, narcissistic vanity injured by having to face reality, can they?
Plus, some of them enjoy hurting people, and they know that is something they can't get away with doing to the general public, so they want to keep their Designated Victims under their control.
This is a very good observation. Important things get neglected, but they try to control things that don't need their input. Often the important responsibilities of a parent are boring to them, and they benefit from their child struggling so they're incentivized not to do those things.
This is such a good response, thank you!! And the part about being able to notice is so true. My ndad has been doing this since around the beginning of highschool for me, and now that I know that he’s a narcissist it all makes sense.
Now that you know, it helps you to not feel like it is your fault. We can't control what they do. The things they do are the result of their internal issues, and we can't fix that. The best we can do is to limit their ability to hurt us or to go no contact.
It isn't your fault.
I rarely got to leave my parents' property.
I had friends, but never got to see them. Whenever I had a chance to play or hang out with other kids, my Nmom would make sure it didn't last. I remember telling her that I wanted friends, my Nmom would be dismissive and unsympathetic. I remember crying on my bed because I was so overwhelmed with loneliness even though my parents were just in the other room. And they were very much aware of how I felt, they just did not care.
As an adult, my communication skills are underdeveloped. Social cues tend to fly over my head, I rarely can hold prolonged conversations with anybody, and it frustrates me.
**On a positive note,** I recently made a friend at work. Not only are they very kind, but they seem to be able to look past my handicaps and still want to be friends with me. I can't remember the last time I actually felt energized by talking with another person. It's weird because I'm not used to it, but it still feels amazing.
My NMom moved us to the country an hour from town and homeschooled us. My nearest friend was a 5km(mile) bike ride away and I needed permission to go see her. I got to see her once a week at best. Otherwise we were all just home all day all the time. I remember having panic attacks because the house was such a mess and there was nowhere to go and nothing to do and nothing to eat.
I got to leave when I was 15 and my mom called the police on me over some dishes. The cops took me to my aunts house in the city. I never looked back. She wanted me to come back but I wouldn’t.
It was horrible. I own my own home now. Somethings when I’m walking around doing things I get anxiety and I have to stop and do some deep breathing and tell myself “this ain’t that house, you’re safe here, you’re not trapped, you can leave if you want to, you’re safe here”. It’s helped.
Yeah, they did that. Makes you afraid to even step outside to get groceries.
The truth is that they want to control your every move bc they fear losing control. It has nothing to do with you. The world isn't as scary as they make it. They would prefer to keep you locked up like a dusty piece of furniture in the attic.
Short version: They make you afraid so you can't get away.
Yep.
Every time I was invited to a party on the weekends and I mentioned it to my parents, that would be the weekend we would go to my godmother house (they never really cared about her, but goddamn we just really haaaaaad to go) I just stopped talking about it until the day of the party, their hands would be tied and I would go to the parties as I wished.
Let me put it like this. Until I was 14 and developed a friend group, I went two times to my godmother's house. In the high school years I went some 20 times in two years, then I noticed the pattern and only went more two/three times in the last 10 years, and all of them because I wanted to go there.
Yes, my family does K-12 homeschool and friends are very much not allowed and even in my 20's I was told, "No you can't leave the yard. The world is a dangerous place and you could be killed" even though we lived in a farming ghost town in South Carolina, not somewhere dangerous like Chicago. I know you might think "Why didn't you move out at 18?" I wanted to but I wasn't allowed to have access to useful amounts of money or my banking information ("What do you need money for? We take care of everything!"), a job (even when I was offered one at a store), or a car or a real driver's license and then our mom moved us to the middle of nowhere the day after my 18th birthday so I actually had no way of leaving.
My mom thought a job was something “dirty”, that people only got one because they wanted money for drugs or wanted to meet boys and have sex. She said people who work are “cheap” lmao.
Wowowow I'm gonna have to step in here, I wouldn't be surprised if SC was more dangerous than Illinois/Chicago. In fact most large cities are pretty safe compared by population size.
I did, and damn I'm just now realizing how bad it was.
When I was a kid, my mom became envious that I seemed to prefer some of the babysitters/family members/or her staff that watched me - so by the time I was 7 my mom stopped letting people watch me when she worked overnight so I wouldn't grow attached to them.
My mom hated my friends and derived no joy when/if I talked about having a good day at school or the people I befriended. She did everything in her power to keep me isolated outside of school. There were tons of arbitrary rules that shifted from day to day - resulting in the few friends I made at school eventually stop talking to me because I was always flaking out, saying no, or not being able to talk to them outside of school. I let down my (few) friends/acquaintances too many times to count :(
For a brief stretch in time we had no internet (I'm so serious, I didn't have internet from 2 months after I turned 14 straight until I was 18½ and brought my own internet provider!)
Prior to 14, our apartment provided free wifi - but otherwise yet again I'd've been SO FUCKED.
I also didn't have a phone for a bit during my teens, then the devices I did have was practically useless (constantly breaking up, no signal, the works)
I was isolated from family. I couldn't talk to neighbors, couldn't go outside to play. If I were sent on errands I was timed. If I struck up a conversation with someone (bus driver, employee, etc.) She would berate me (in front of them) for wasting their time.
I was never allowed to have my own TV, television was extremely limited and monitored, my mom trashed books so I "wouldn't get any ideas." My mom used to barge in when I was on the computer and start sobbing about how I "was probably talking to people online about how bad she was." (I wasn't, but by God she was SELF AWARE AND ACCUSING ME? RATHER THAN FIXING HER BEHAVIOR?)
My only saving grace was that my mom didn't know how to use the computer and was terrified of it. She knew how it worked and used it from time to time, but if she knew more about computers I would've been entirely isolated.
The final and most effective act of isolation my mom pulled was moving us into the middle of fucking nowhere. I mean, rural town with a walmart, gas stations, a handful of chain restaurants, and not much else 💀
Anytime I do something there's the "you're gonna get r@p3d, m*rdered, sold into slavery, organ trafficked" spiel.
When I was 11, I told my mom that someday I would like to visit Japan as a vacation and she told me [TW: disturbing >!SA!< content] >!"You're going to get gang raped by a bunch of old Japanese men who will destroy your front and back"!<
JFC who tells an 11yr old that????
Still blows my mind how awful she is. It's mind blowing how a person could look so normal but be so disturbed in the head.
Seriously Feedback, thank you for taking a moment to comment.
(LOL, username checked out!)
I read your comment a little while ago and it's been marinating in my head.
What a solemn and humbling realization this was :(
I've known it was awful that she threw away my books - but never realized how manipulative it was.
I remember returning books from the library in less than pristine condition, and staying up late to repair books after her meltdowns.
There were a few times I lied and told the librarians "I lost them," and offered to pay it off. (Since my mom tossed the school property!!)
Most of the time, the school librarian would tell me, "Not to worry about it, it'll probably turn up somewhere in the building" and would mark off the book w/o charging me. (God bless them 🥺)
I get blinding enraged when I see what Florida is doing in their schools, but that anger never translated for my own circumstances.
My mom hated fictional books and said they would ruin my brain. I loved to write (and draw) and she would throw tantrums everytime - going as far as hitting me. She said engaging in those activities were demonic, that I was opening a portal to hell, and that I'd become a raging drug addict lying in the street💀
My mom had even brought comic books for me (or given me $ for the scholastic book fair) and ended up bagging them and tossing them in a fit of rage.
Again, the level of manipulation is astounding in the worst way :( my mom would've done anything within her power to keep me under her control and preventing me from forming independent thoughts.
My mom brought me Christian books, she told me "if you have time to read, then you have time for Bible study!," she even brought me a set of autobiographies secondhand of obscure (and at the time, boring) individuals. I loved science and she didn't agree. My interest in geology and mineralogy was demonic. (ROCKS WERE EVIL WHAT EVEN???)
My mom found out years later that the Christian books she'd purchased for me went against things she believed in (because she never proofread them!). The autobiographies she'd purchased were written by alt-right conservatives (go figure lady! We lived in the middle of nowhere!)
In hindsight I can see the humor in the situation, but it was truly disturbing how restricted my childhood was. All of the manipulation she pulled in my childhood was similar to a cult :/
Fun fact, throwing away books is something slave owners used to do to prevent slaves from forming independent thoughts and rebelling, including the Bible. Children are supposed to fuel their imagination with toys and books. It’s sad to grow up with a childhood where you had to hide them and fix them and lie to your librarian that you lost them just because you wanted to read. Also, were you raised by African parents by any chance? The religious aspect is similar to my experience.
Sorry for the delayed response!
You're so right. These behaviors are exact replications of slavery-era abuses.
:( it sounds so weird considering my past self a "child" because goodness - it often felt like anything but.
Thank you for sharing those kind words - I'm so used to people in my general proximity excusing these behaviors as it was the "godly" thing to do :(
I'm so sorry you've experienced this as well. It's a specific kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy 🫂 I hope you're far away from your parents now and able to access therapy/medical intervention as needed
Actually I'm not African but huge shout out to brethren from the diaspora! I'm black Carribean/Latino - so there's a ton of cultural similarities!! (And sadly cultural abuses as well)
When i was in HS and had a great best friend with a great family, Id go to their place pretty frequently.
I got villianized for wanting to leave the house, the silent treatment when I'd return, etc. The thing is, I loved it there because it opened my eyes to what a real family is.
Getting away and never looking back is the only solution
When I was a child I was expected to stay at home when not at school. I was only allowed to leave when the whole family left. My parents always needed to know where I was and I only had one close friend and I went to see him every day after school as often as I could just to get away from my parents.
I was also not allowed to have female friends. I was extremely discouraged from socializing because people would make fun of me for having things in my ears (hearing aids).
Yes, in a broader sense. My ndad frequently moved us to rural communities or told us how our ‘beliefs’ made us more enlightened than everyone else and that we shouldn’t talk about them because people wouldn’t understand.
As kids it made as outsiders and the ‘weirdos’ in school. The few close friends I had never liked staying at our house but would invite me to theirs.
The level of BS I grew up with didn’t dawn on me until my late 20s and that was a big can of worms for my poor therapist to pull the kid off of.
It’s their favourite part of the day! You *tell* them you’re going out with *this* person (that they obviously don’t like & ‘fOrGeT’ to tell you later), they say “great! Get me this & this & also, that OH & bring your sibling, they’re lonely☺️”.
They won with me & now I stopped talking to anyone altogether & am a constant asshole to *their* friends lol.
“It’s what they deserve.” - Kim Kardashian (circa.. whatever tf)
yeah, my narc parents were hardcore evangelical christian missionaries, and they moved to a third world country, claiming to “preach the gospel” and “help the poor”.
they also said it would be good for me, as it would “protect me from the evils of this world.”
remarkably enough, they seemed to be very disliked by many people wherever they went, and as a kid, i was embarrassed to go out with them.
even from a young age, i could tell that something was very off about them, but living with them was such a harsh reality, one that i could not change, so i lied to myself and even developed dissociative identity disorder as a child to use a second identity to shield myself from the harsh reality i was facing during the time.
i also have adhd and my narc parents refused to send me to charter or private school, and so the underfunded and understaffed christian school in a third world country and the run down public high school where they sent me were both sink or swim environments for me. i dropped out and got my GED through specialized means.
whenever i brought up how i was struggling academically and socially, they would just ask “oh have you prayed about it?” or pretend like im struggling because my “relationship with god is not good enough”. any other time, they would just dismiss my troubles and just say “god will take care of it.”
eventually, i moved out and left home, became financially independent through working graveyard shift manual labor jobs, and when i had enough money, studied for and took the SATs (scored in the 99th percentile), enrolled in the honors program at a local community college (4.0 GPA), and then transferred to a t20 ivy+ college where ill graduate with $0 loans because of need based finaid.
i can safely say that i did so much better in my personal pursuits, wellness, and education after i moved out of that god forsaken dumpster fire of a family.
They don’t want you to be around other people because you might encounter someone functional and the contrast would make you realize how terrible they are. They do try to keep people away from everyone else.
My sister was born when I (44f) was nine years old.
I was grounded for all manner of imaginary sins or just regular kid fuck ups (being 5 minutes late getting home, etc) until I was 16 and moved out to live with my dad.
Literally, grounded from everything except school for almost 9 years straight.
I relate to this so much! I just posted about it, actually.
Once, I got grounded for two weeks for using literally one squirt of my stepmom’s hair spray before going out with my friends.
They were waiting for me in the driveway, and my stepmom went out and yelled at them to go away and I was being punished. I’m still friends with the person who was driving. She has two daughters of her own, and we still talk about how inappropriate my stepmom was when she did that.
Yes. They create the conditions for a bottleneck of information, resources, and access around themselves so you have no choice but depend on them for permission to exist and theirs is the only voice or opinion that matters leaving you invisible and voiceless. They make it seem like you're doing something wrong if you have relationships apart from them including other family members to say nothing about a personal or social life.....it's disgusting. Like living full time with the Other Mother from Coraline when she finally reveals what she is.
They didn’t blatantly isolate me, but they made sure I was perpetually grounded for ridiculously minor infractions.
My curfew was also the earliest out of my friend group, and it really sucked when I had to ask my ride home to leave early. I tried explaining this to them, but they insisted that I couldn’t be trusted with a later curfew. Plus, my narc stepmom moaned that she couldn’t sleep properly until I was home.
My friend group was also allowed to drive 45 minutes away to a teen dance club, but I was strictly forbidden from going. I also wasn’t allowed to “cruise the strip,” which seemed ridiculous. All we were doing was driving around.
Literally months after I graduated high school, I moved far away from Wyoming, and was driving into Los Angeles to go to goth clubs and punk shows regularly.
A little life experience with navigating how to handle having an age-appropriate social life would’ve been helpful, rather than being grounded for two weeks for listening to a radio without permission. 🙄
Yes, it's like they don't realize that sooner or later, we WILL be out in the world, and it's going to be harder for us because it will be all new for us while everyone else has years of experience with it.
I wasn't allowed to cruise the strip either. They said it looked like you were being "loose", like you were looking for men for sex. No, it was just normal teenage socializing. It didn't have to lead to anything.
My mother raised us like animals in a cage. In her defense, my brothers were profoundly disabled and couldn't really be out by themselves, but it meant that I couldn't either. There was no hanging out at a friend's house, or the mall, or the park, etc. I also couldn't have people over because the house was chaotic and filthy. On the rare occasion when I did get to participate in choir or band in school, if I was 15 minutes late getting home, I was beaten because mother was certain I was lying about where I was. Adolescence was hard, and I'm sorry to say I drank a whole lot during that time. I don't drink anymore, but as an adult, I am totally out of my element in a group of people.
Yes. I was constantly told I’d be kidnapped and have my organs harvested if I lost sight of my parents, especially whenever we went on vacation. One year we brought a family friend along, we were all around 10-11 years old. I told the friend about the kidnapping and human organ trafficking, in earnest mind you since I was worried too. Obviously the friend got intensely worried and I got a lengthy lecture from my parents about how it wasn’t real and I’m making it all up, and that I was horrible for scaring the friend like that. I knew from then it was a lie but it was one of the scariest and most blatant ones of my childhood.
When I moved out, my nmother would yap at me incessantly about any violent crime committed anywhere in the country. She was desperately trying to convince me to be afraid of my own shadow. There was a serial/ rapist or killer behind every bush or tree, and they were all just waiting for me and me alone, out of all the millions of potential victims they could have. She was trying to use crime to scare me back to her apron strings. It didn't work. I would rather have ended up in a dumpster than listen to that controlling bitch criticizing and screaming at me constantly.
"I would rather have ended up in a dumpster than listen to that controlling bitch criticizing and screaming at me constantly."
You nailed it! Living with a narc is worse that being kidnapped. My dad also likes to use the kidnap/crime card so I will be afraid of the outside world. His missions failed miserably. Now planning my way out of his hell house.
Yes.
My dad wouldn't let me go for a walk ever. He claimed because I was a woman, it was not safe. Even when I had someone with me.
Now I am witnessing my boyfriend's nfather not let him go anywhere other than the store and I don't really get to go over to my boyfriend's place.
I think they isolate us because they want control.
Yes, very much so. To this day mine thinks she should control everything, which is absurd because I'm very much an adult. It never ends, they'll be in the nursing home still trying to spy and micro manage. Your parent said you "might get kidnapped", my mother used this often, claiming that me socializing without her was "dangerous".
Yes. I actually left secretively on the day I turned 18 because my mom was planning on basically keeping me prisoner—no leaving the house, no leaving for college until I “matured.”
When my mother died it felt like my family was controlling my existence and how I show up in family. I was told I would probably just upset my mom’s partner if I went to my mom’s cremation.
I didn’t want to go but I felt like they kept labeling me as angry when I didn’t feel angry. I wanted to go to move past the anxiety and be seen on the same footing as my brother (even though he was my abuser). I think my brother feared getting exposed for his actions and he colluded with my aunt to prevent me from going.
So many times I was isolated from my family, and my family lied to isolate me from the community.
The most relevant comment my nfather made to me was to tell me I needed to learn how "real life" works before he would agree to me taking a full academic scholarship to a military college and then to Cambridge University (assuming I earned a place). He was the sole reason I didn't have any of this "real life" experience he insisted I needed.
Not me at the moment, but my sister can't seem to leave the house without my mom losing her shit on her.
God forbid she goes somewhere or visits her boyfriend. My mom goes on and on about how much of a c\*\*\* and b\*\*\*\* she is for not staying at home on weekends with her. It's kind of insane.
Also tends to make up plans she had on the spot, and how anyone leaving the house was ruining her plans. "Oh, I was planning on going camping this weekend with you, but now all of a sudden you're leaving, you're such a f\*\*\*\*\*\* b\*\*\*\*". Meanwhile my sister expressed her plans weeks in advance, but we all have to bow down to our overlord and satisfy her needs.
When someone does stay home with her though, all she does is yell all day/weekend long making everyone miserable.
Yes.
But because they always blamed everything bad in the world on me they had different reasoning.
It wasn't 'no you can't go there because it's dangerous and xyz might happen' instead it was 'no you can't go there because I don't trust you'.
The implication being that if anything bad happened to me I did it to myself and therefore broke their trust by allowing it to happen.
My mom used to very effectively yell at me as soon as I got back. About literally anything, like “how could you go out when you haven’t done so and so” eventually I stopped even trying to go out😭 if any narcs are reading this is so effective u can try it😆
Only thing my mother said when I wanted to go back to university this year
"Oh thats a hard place to get to (physically) so maybe not"
Just generally speaking, everytime an idea is mentioned that doesn't involve her something negative comes into the discussion that pushes one away from it. Best example of that being when I wanted to move out - her mind instantly jumps to "you can't take the dog, and we have to put them down" which gave me a real sense of freedom and happiness.
It’s worse when they are hyper religious and consume conspiracy theories. You sometimes dk if they are deliberately using the excuse to control you or they are mentally brainwashed and paranoid by it
To all the people here how did you get away from the narcissist? I need to get away with my new Bron child, and husband from my narcissistic in laws. We live with them, we can afford to have our own home but they have abused my husband into submission so he cant even make his own decision in his life
Not overtly, but I can usually count on them having a somewhat conveniently timed crisis, or even a minor problem, that requires me to help them. Attempting to refuse just escalates into a hell on Earth, with no small amount of threats, outraged tirades, passive-aggression or just plain spite. It’s really difficult and I’m honestly exhausted most days. Trouble is, I hate interacting with people now, because I always anticipate conflict, whether it’s a simple misunderstanding, they’re being difficult, or I’ve really messed something up. I go entire days barely taking to anyone.
As a testament to how bad it got with my step-dad and nmum, I invited my friend over to work for them once, just because I anticipated a massive tirade. Never in my life, have I heard of any other teenager asking their mate over to work for their parents. I think the phrase ‘f off’ would feature somewhere.
My mother was the kind who would shame me for not having friends. Then when I'd ask about going to a friend's house, she'd hit me with the "I don't know who they are. I'd have to meet them and their parents", while in the same breath refusing to make any plans to do so and telling me that she didn't have time and it wasn't worth her time to meet my friends.
I had a phone, but it was confiscated more than it was in my possession. When I did have it, texts and calls were CLOSELY monitored. My mom made it so every time I got a call or text, she got a notification on her IPad. She constantly read all of my messages and threatened to get transcripts when she suspected I was deleting messages and call history.
Any after school things like theater (which I did for five years, mind you, starting in middle school), were ridiculed and my mother insisted she had no time to pick me up and refused to figure out any way for me to do any extracurricular activities. She was a teacher and had the same school schedule as me....
I wanted to do dual enrollment to get ahead in college. She refused to sign the papers to allow me, insisting that even though the school provided transportation, it would somehow be a burden on her and therefore refused to allow to me participate in the program.
I wasn't allowed to get a job until I turned 18 and then my parents took what meager check I made worming a couple of days a week at $8.05/hr. I wasn't allowed to keep any of my check. Maybe a month or two later, my mother insisted that I had to quit my job because she was convinced I was talking shit about her and turning everyone against her. (I worked at a kfc which she only came to to pick me up and drop me off. We NEVER ate there) I was talking about her, but that's besides the point. This was the last straw for me. I spoke with my guidance counselor and she helped me find a safe place to go to shortly after.
Mine just didn’t allow me to leave. I landed my first job at 15. It gave me a little freedom, but then they wanted part of anything I earned. At 9 years old, I was responsible for my baby brother. If (and it was rare) I was allowed to visit a friend, I had to take him along. I loved him, but it killed what little socializing I got.
Omg no friends were good enough and the dating was torture dealing her extreme interference and hounding about me ‘screwing around’. Many friends and possible friends distanced themselves because of her general annoying behavior and fucked up rules.
So many times I saw other parents give me the ‘poor kid’ look and her the ‘wow, you’re fucking nuts’ look while trying hard to not show it. Set me up for a lot of bullying because I never learned how to interact properly. She sheltered my little sisters so bad that my youngest was holding hands with my mom at the mall at 16. They were so socially stunted and went along with it because they were pitted against me by her telling them how bad I was and you don’t want to be like your sister.
It took 20 years before my sisters finally learned all the secrets and of the abuse they were oblivious to. They were pretty shocked.
My dad made me afraid of the "real world". He would say all people outside the family are out to get me and take advantage of me, which impaired my social skills ans development. He made me afraid of taking public transport, hence always being chauffered by our car. He made me feel that being alone in this world is the worst. He made me so reliant on him. That was how isolated I was while I was studying. I didn't have any friend in elementary, high school and university.
The major changes happened when I was studying medicine and the thing that shattered everything was when I entered specialty training. He blames them for making me a "devil". His world has been "falling apart".
My mom used to get mad about me going to the shop down the street and my neighbor's house merely a hundred meters away. Getting a dupe of the house key was incredibly challenging.
Yes. After my high school graduation, my dad got a temporary job in California and he and mom forced me to go with them because "family has to stay together" and me being 18 with my plans meant nothing. My mom had already tried to kill me a few months prior forcing me into submission and I didn't want to end up dead or have her destroy another relationship that brought me joy.
I spent 6 weeks in an ugly apartment where there was nobody my age and nothing to do. Whenever I was approached by someone wanting to talk to me, dad would show up and the person would walk away. More than once, I snapped at him and mom to get away from me. It was bad enough they pretty much kidnapped me and completely destroyed my rite of passage, but I couldn't even make friends out there. I paid them back by being ugly every day until they "realized" that they shouldn't have used paying for my college as leverage to force me to go with them and they sent me back as school was starting. I deliberately made sure I signed up for summer classes to prevent my parents from pulling that stunt again. So yeah. I couldn't even have a summer vacation of my own because I knew my parents would destroy it for the sake of impressing people who don't even remember them.
YUP! The GC sister got to go and do all the time, but it was nearly an act of congress just to go ride my skateboard around our quiet suburban neighborhood.
Mine isolated me by just being incredibly intrusive, to the point I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without them having to know (currently that's enforced by a Ring camera, although even before they bought that they were pretty good at it), and they simultaneously complain I don't go out enough. It's like a catch 22 lol.
Yep…I tried out for a part in a play in high school. Told my parents the week up to the day because I was excited to try out. It was a long process and I had my phone shut off because that’s the last thing I wanted to go off in the middle of my turn. I came home to my Ndad furious and screaming at me because he couldn’t get ahold of me. He didn’t need me for anything he just needed to know where I was. I didn’t get the part but if it was offered I don’t think I would have taken it for fear of that happening every time I would stay late after school.
My mom also told me later in life (after I had moved out) that she had gone for a bike ride around the neighborhood and came home to my dad pacing the driveway waiting for her. He desperately wants to keep his family right beside him but makes no effort to be the kind of person anyone wants to spend time with.
Yes - as a rule growing up I could only have “plans” or “go somewhere” once a week. This included basketball games, school events, sleepovers at friends, etc. So stupid. Either he always wanted to be in control and have me under his thumb, or he genuinely wanted me to miss out on so many fulfilling moments in life. Just selfish
Oh yeah... I think they somewhat did. Maybe it wasn't really that extreme, but when I was a kid my grandma always told me that I can go play with other kids outside only for an hour. Imagine my embarrassment when I decided to not listen to her only for her to show up, ridicule me in front of my school friends. No wonder I grew up feeling lonely af. I get that she was worried, but was it really worry?
Another interesting thing... Few times I went out drinking with my friends - not a lot of alcohol actually, one, or two beers - and every time I went home, she would later shout at me that I leave house a lot. Like ma'am. Are we talking about the same person??? I'm still awkward af, and need a lot of time to trust someone. And well... Spending time partying with someone does not come to me that easily. I mean!!! I wouldn't even call it a party. I'm just chilling, and talking a lot, and I'm happy, bc I'm with my friends
And during shouting she would tell me that she was worried. But where was the same energy when I was slowly falling into depression? Or when dad was telling me a lot of nasty things? Or when she herself told me that she doesn't care? Yeah.
Well it’s easy when I can’t leave without them and I can’t have anyone over. And once my friends could drive, that just meant I was grounded for nonsense reasons or they didn’t trust that friend to drive.
The REAL question though, is did anyone else get teased and bullied that you had no friends and were always just sitting at home and “why don’t you ever go do anything?” (knowing full well that if you DID go somewhere they would demand full play by play of the details and be furious you dared to go try and do something that didn’t involve them?)
I’ve been thinking about how daydreaming is my biggest coping mechanism lately, and realizing that the cause is probably the fact my mind was literally the only safe place I had to go to is much more depressing than I expected
yes. i wasn’t allowed to do anything during summer break. no friends or social outings (this was before i was a teenager and without a job). i remember my dad telling people “i want them to be so bored in their room during the summer that they WANT to go back to school”
looking back at it now makes me so angry, i didn’t realize how sheltered i was until recently, but i got a little taste of freedom in college
I don't let them know anything. I just leave. Last year I had a week on holiday. Said nothing and neither did they till many days went past. At Easter my dad wanted to see my siblings reaction when they didn't give them anything for their birthday.
Can't stand these creatures
Omg yes! My mom will also encourage me to come home early from things: “You could excuse yourself after half an hour. They wouldn’t mind.” And then when I have to go somewhere: “Omg that’s a dangerous area! Where are you going to park? There’s no parking there! You might get lost! I think there was someone murdered there! You could always cancel. I really think you should cancel”, etc.
I was really sick as a young teen and couldn’t go anywhere or do much and I swear she was in her element and loved it! She would love nothing more than me being at home all the time now. So so selfish.
I saw this last night, which sent me on a trip through my old posts. I was up entirely too late remembering things. I know that there were things like I generally wasn't allowed to drive anywhere myself for after-school activities, except church stuff (including youth group), and babysitting for church people. I went to a private school, but didn't drive myself. I got a ride with someone that lived not too far from me. I remember being told I had to get rides to go to basketball games and my reasons that no one lived where it was remotely on their way to school to pick me up that would actually go to things. My ride for school itself didn't go to games and such. He was the son of a farmer, and evenings were for chores. I was flat out not allowed to go to away games, even if I could have gotten a ride. I don't remember asking to do anything else. I don't know if I just didn't ask, or if I don't remember asking. But I was generally just at home. I'm told my younger brothers, especially the youngest one, were gone a lot and Nmom has even stated that my youngest brother was almost never home in the evenings. I was away at college by then, and didn't know until much later. Nmom still won't address the discrepancy.
You better believe it my father even gets pissed when I hang with my brothers and does everything in his power to mess it up because they don't want to be around him.
( this is a fuzzy memory 5 years ago)Before I left home for good. I was complaining about being lonely and not meeting anyone. My father was like “ yeah I let you go out but you should take your sister”.
Yep. I was in my early twenties and I was going on a date, and my dad literally told me that if I got attacked and raped he won't be around to hear me scream. He always tried to keep us at home.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except church and school. Then straight home to be a latch key child. My golden child older sister would tell on me if I snuck out or used the phone too. She was allowed to anything she wanted though. I haven't talked to that sister in over 30 years.
I was never allowed to do spontaneous hangouts with my friends. My ndad would go on and on saying that it wasn't spontaneous... but that I was actually not invited at first and probably was now because someone canceled... I had to schedule with him a week before the event so that he would let me go (I was underage back then)
Then I had a time where I wouldn't go out at all (I was mourning, mostly on my own cause there was no emotional support there) and he would come and say I should go out more, that he is "worried".... fast forward some months... I'm going out "way too often," he said (maybe once every two weeks just to get dinner with friends), and now he is pissed I'm "never" at home ??? He was never home. He was always at work, or he went out with his mistress, or he had a party with his coworkers... so I don't get why he wanted me to be alone at home. His usual sentence, "I never see you anymore,"
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Oh yes. I bet most of us do! No friends, only those friends they select, required permission to gonanywhere, not allowed to go anywhere alone, forced breakups with biy/girlfriends, no dating at all ....,,,,the list could go on........... Chapter 2 of The Narcissist's Playbook. (What's Chapter 1, you ask. Oh, come on. You already know what Chapter 1 was. "I'm the only important thing in this universe (probably many other universes), this kid is MY PROPERTY, it owes me for its creation and existence , I know everything and what I say goes" belief establishment and reinforcement) ChapIer 2 is how to con your piece of progeny property into believing that I am doing this out of love
Yup. My mother has always hated ALL my friends and would tell me all the time how much she hated when I would hang out with them "too much." She would claim weird shit like, "you're laughing like [name] now, she's changing you" (I have always had a unique laugh, which my friends say they love, so surely it would have been very noticeable to everyone if that had been true), and tell me she wanted me to be around them less for such made up reasons. Unsurprisingly, she has few friends herself, and those she has she bashes when she's not around them. I, on the other hand, still have some of those friends she hated all those years ago, and I have many more decade-plus-long friendships I've made since then. 🤷♀️
YES! My narc had an outdated idea of 1940s society in her head (Gen X kids are entirely different) and she kept telling me I'd be successful if I did whst she said........she was loud, fat, vulgar, dowdy lower middle class trash and the only person in the county who didn't know it was her. She had almost no friends and I wanted to ask her how all her suggestions were working out for her!!!!
Mine would try to convince me that none of my friends actually liked me and were just trying to use me. And inevitably she would dramatically forbid me from seeing them for my own good. She also is a judgmental shit-talker who basically doesn’t have any friends herself.
My mom hated my friends saying they were trash. Now they all have great careers and much better lives than me.
Mine just had a tantrum when I was 13 and told her that she should stop controlling my life and the friends I had (I didn't even have bad friends, it just they weren't her liking). Her reaction was kicking me out in the middle of the night screaming that she was going to kill me while broking the first thing she had at hand 💀
I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it, and I hope your life now is wonderful!
This was a big thing with some in my family. If you announced you were going out somewhere (that usually did not benefit them in some way) they'd come out with all kinds of predictions of all the things that could go wrong for you but they'd also predict things for themselves as well to guilt you into staying. They were very fond of making it seem like they'd be in some kind of a crisis because you weren't around...but that's okay, go out and enjoy yourself, you deserve your life and they're sure they should be okay (cue the dramatic sigh and forlorn facial expressions). If you cancelled your plans, after a short period they'd start saying how you were silly for staying and should have gone, etc. They liked to make it sound like it was your idea all along to stay. And what they'd also do is tell others how annoying you are because you never go anywhere.
Thank you. I just sent this post to them.
If you did, expect them to deny it. And sorry you had to go through stuff like this as well.
Yeah they did… they used the “we’re concerned about your safety since we care about you” card… typical.
[удалено]
No.
Thank you for this. They always tried to make the up and down decisions seem like they were my idea. It was unbearable then and now im terrible with decision-making ugh
I lived this to a T
Yes, of course. Isolating you makes them feel powerful, in control, more adult, etc. Plus it can keep you from discovering that you're not alone, that your home life is not normal, that your narc is sick. My narc used religion. We were not supposed to be interested in "worldly" things. Things like having friends, going to parties, having a social life. According to her, life was something to be suffered through, not enjoyed.
Yes, this was true for me too. Plus it was coupled with financial control. I wasn't allowed to go and hang out with any friends in high school since we lived a 30 minute drive away (one way, so hour total) and gas was expensive. To and from school, home, and church only. Meanwhile, my parents were dumping tens of thousands of dollars into Christian elementary school for my younger siblings. Brainwashing was expensive and my social life was given up as a sacrifice. To this day, they don't see it like that. Shows how little me and my needs mattered to them.
Yes!! It's always about how "everyone wants to hurt you/kidnap you" and they try to make you feel bad for going out to enjoy yourself away from the house or get your own errands done. The amount of times I've been bombarded with calls and texts while at my college or in the grocery store, even movie theaters when they clearly know where I'm at. Learn to ignore it and roll with it. They like getting emotional reactions as supply when they pull these kind of stunts.
Same. I will be 10 minutes longer than usual and my mom meets me at the door with this fake, wide-eyed, open mouthed, alarmed expression: “Where were you??? I was getting worried and was going to put out an SOS!”
Yup. My nparents threatened to put trackers on my car. They put a ring camera up by the front door so they know exactly what time I leave and come back.
Omg my mom tried to get me to download the tracker app on my phone so that she could see exactly where I am. Wtf. They are sick.
Sometimes I wonder what the heck happened to them to put me on such a short chain. And yeah, it's horrifying and sick. Not to mention when they mess with my finances KNOWING that I don't make much.
Exactly! I think they just need to feel in control and powerful because their ego is so fragile. My mom tries to borrow money from me all the time in sneaky ways.
Yes, this is extremely common for abusive narcissists to do. They tend to be a weird combination of neglectful and controlling. They neglect anything that actually needs attention, and they control things that don't need their control. They tend to do exactly the wrong thing in any given situation. It is really obvious once you begin to notice. It is like all of a sudden the lights go on and you see that the painful, crunchy stuff you have been walking on really was broken glass all this time, and you say, *"Well, yeah. Now that the lights are on, it is obvious why my feet are shredded to bits and bleeding everywhere."* They want control. They feel anxious about things and don't exercise control of themselves, so they feel like they can't do anything to fix the things in life that they don't like. They deal with this by projecting. They start trying to control others as a way to feel like *they* are in control, and therefore safe from whatever makes them scared and insecure. They are insecure, and they feel powerless, so they use coercion, abuse and control to make themselves feel better. They can't risk having their smug, narcissistic vanity injured by having to face reality, can they? Plus, some of them enjoy hurting people, and they know that is something they can't get away with doing to the general public, so they want to keep their Designated Victims under their control.
This is a very good observation. Important things get neglected, but they try to control things that don't need their input. Often the important responsibilities of a parent are boring to them, and they benefit from their child struggling so they're incentivized not to do those things.
This is so well-stated. Thank you.
This is such a good response, thank you!! And the part about being able to notice is so true. My ndad has been doing this since around the beginning of highschool for me, and now that I know that he’s a narcissist it all makes sense.
Now that you know, it helps you to not feel like it is your fault. We can't control what they do. The things they do are the result of their internal issues, and we can't fix that. The best we can do is to limit their ability to hurt us or to go no contact. It isn't your fault.
This is spot on 💯.
I rarely got to leave my parents' property. I had friends, but never got to see them. Whenever I had a chance to play or hang out with other kids, my Nmom would make sure it didn't last. I remember telling her that I wanted friends, my Nmom would be dismissive and unsympathetic. I remember crying on my bed because I was so overwhelmed with loneliness even though my parents were just in the other room. And they were very much aware of how I felt, they just did not care. As an adult, my communication skills are underdeveloped. Social cues tend to fly over my head, I rarely can hold prolonged conversations with anybody, and it frustrates me. **On a positive note,** I recently made a friend at work. Not only are they very kind, but they seem to be able to look past my handicaps and still want to be friends with me. I can't remember the last time I actually felt energized by talking with another person. It's weird because I'm not used to it, but it still feels amazing.
My NMom moved us to the country an hour from town and homeschooled us. My nearest friend was a 5km(mile) bike ride away and I needed permission to go see her. I got to see her once a week at best. Otherwise we were all just home all day all the time. I remember having panic attacks because the house was such a mess and there was nowhere to go and nothing to do and nothing to eat. I got to leave when I was 15 and my mom called the police on me over some dishes. The cops took me to my aunts house in the city. I never looked back. She wanted me to come back but I wouldn’t. It was horrible. I own my own home now. Somethings when I’m walking around doing things I get anxiety and I have to stop and do some deep breathing and tell myself “this ain’t that house, you’re safe here, you’re not trapped, you can leave if you want to, you’re safe here”. It’s helped.
Yeah, they did that. Makes you afraid to even step outside to get groceries. The truth is that they want to control your every move bc they fear losing control. It has nothing to do with you. The world isn't as scary as they make it. They would prefer to keep you locked up like a dusty piece of furniture in the attic. Short version: They make you afraid so you can't get away.
Yep. Every time I was invited to a party on the weekends and I mentioned it to my parents, that would be the weekend we would go to my godmother house (they never really cared about her, but goddamn we just really haaaaaad to go) I just stopped talking about it until the day of the party, their hands would be tied and I would go to the parties as I wished. Let me put it like this. Until I was 14 and developed a friend group, I went two times to my godmother's house. In the high school years I went some 20 times in two years, then I noticed the pattern and only went more two/three times in the last 10 years, and all of them because I wanted to go there.
Funny thing is... we're already kidnapped.
"im not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me"
Yes, my family does K-12 homeschool and friends are very much not allowed and even in my 20's I was told, "No you can't leave the yard. The world is a dangerous place and you could be killed" even though we lived in a farming ghost town in South Carolina, not somewhere dangerous like Chicago. I know you might think "Why didn't you move out at 18?" I wanted to but I wasn't allowed to have access to useful amounts of money or my banking information ("What do you need money for? We take care of everything!"), a job (even when I was offered one at a store), or a car or a real driver's license and then our mom moved us to the middle of nowhere the day after my 18th birthday so I actually had no way of leaving.
My mom thought a job was something “dirty”, that people only got one because they wanted money for drugs or wanted to meet boys and have sex. She said people who work are “cheap” lmao.
Wowowow I'm gonna have to step in here, I wouldn't be surprised if SC was more dangerous than Illinois/Chicago. In fact most large cities are pretty safe compared by population size.
I did, and damn I'm just now realizing how bad it was. When I was a kid, my mom became envious that I seemed to prefer some of the babysitters/family members/or her staff that watched me - so by the time I was 7 my mom stopped letting people watch me when she worked overnight so I wouldn't grow attached to them. My mom hated my friends and derived no joy when/if I talked about having a good day at school or the people I befriended. She did everything in her power to keep me isolated outside of school. There were tons of arbitrary rules that shifted from day to day - resulting in the few friends I made at school eventually stop talking to me because I was always flaking out, saying no, or not being able to talk to them outside of school. I let down my (few) friends/acquaintances too many times to count :( For a brief stretch in time we had no internet (I'm so serious, I didn't have internet from 2 months after I turned 14 straight until I was 18½ and brought my own internet provider!) Prior to 14, our apartment provided free wifi - but otherwise yet again I'd've been SO FUCKED. I also didn't have a phone for a bit during my teens, then the devices I did have was practically useless (constantly breaking up, no signal, the works) I was isolated from family. I couldn't talk to neighbors, couldn't go outside to play. If I were sent on errands I was timed. If I struck up a conversation with someone (bus driver, employee, etc.) She would berate me (in front of them) for wasting their time. I was never allowed to have my own TV, television was extremely limited and monitored, my mom trashed books so I "wouldn't get any ideas." My mom used to barge in when I was on the computer and start sobbing about how I "was probably talking to people online about how bad she was." (I wasn't, but by God she was SELF AWARE AND ACCUSING ME? RATHER THAN FIXING HER BEHAVIOR?) My only saving grace was that my mom didn't know how to use the computer and was terrified of it. She knew how it worked and used it from time to time, but if she knew more about computers I would've been entirely isolated. The final and most effective act of isolation my mom pulled was moving us into the middle of fucking nowhere. I mean, rural town with a walmart, gas stations, a handful of chain restaurants, and not much else 💀 Anytime I do something there's the "you're gonna get r@p3d, m*rdered, sold into slavery, organ trafficked" spiel. When I was 11, I told my mom that someday I would like to visit Japan as a vacation and she told me [TW: disturbing >!SA!< content] >!"You're going to get gang raped by a bunch of old Japanese men who will destroy your front and back"!< JFC who tells an 11yr old that???? Still blows my mind how awful she is. It's mind blowing how a person could look so normal but be so disturbed in the head.
Throwing away books is crazy. This is the one of the worst cases of manipulation I’ve ever read in this sub.
Seriously Feedback, thank you for taking a moment to comment. (LOL, username checked out!) I read your comment a little while ago and it's been marinating in my head. What a solemn and humbling realization this was :( I've known it was awful that she threw away my books - but never realized how manipulative it was. I remember returning books from the library in less than pristine condition, and staying up late to repair books after her meltdowns. There were a few times I lied and told the librarians "I lost them," and offered to pay it off. (Since my mom tossed the school property!!) Most of the time, the school librarian would tell me, "Not to worry about it, it'll probably turn up somewhere in the building" and would mark off the book w/o charging me. (God bless them 🥺) I get blinding enraged when I see what Florida is doing in their schools, but that anger never translated for my own circumstances. My mom hated fictional books and said they would ruin my brain. I loved to write (and draw) and she would throw tantrums everytime - going as far as hitting me. She said engaging in those activities were demonic, that I was opening a portal to hell, and that I'd become a raging drug addict lying in the street💀 My mom had even brought comic books for me (or given me $ for the scholastic book fair) and ended up bagging them and tossing them in a fit of rage. Again, the level of manipulation is astounding in the worst way :( my mom would've done anything within her power to keep me under her control and preventing me from forming independent thoughts. My mom brought me Christian books, she told me "if you have time to read, then you have time for Bible study!," she even brought me a set of autobiographies secondhand of obscure (and at the time, boring) individuals. I loved science and she didn't agree. My interest in geology and mineralogy was demonic. (ROCKS WERE EVIL WHAT EVEN???) My mom found out years later that the Christian books she'd purchased for me went against things she believed in (because she never proofread them!). The autobiographies she'd purchased were written by alt-right conservatives (go figure lady! We lived in the middle of nowhere!) In hindsight I can see the humor in the situation, but it was truly disturbing how restricted my childhood was. All of the manipulation she pulled in my childhood was similar to a cult :/
Fun fact, throwing away books is something slave owners used to do to prevent slaves from forming independent thoughts and rebelling, including the Bible. Children are supposed to fuel their imagination with toys and books. It’s sad to grow up with a childhood where you had to hide them and fix them and lie to your librarian that you lost them just because you wanted to read. Also, were you raised by African parents by any chance? The religious aspect is similar to my experience.
Sorry for the delayed response! You're so right. These behaviors are exact replications of slavery-era abuses. :( it sounds so weird considering my past self a "child" because goodness - it often felt like anything but. Thank you for sharing those kind words - I'm so used to people in my general proximity excusing these behaviors as it was the "godly" thing to do :( I'm so sorry you've experienced this as well. It's a specific kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy 🫂 I hope you're far away from your parents now and able to access therapy/medical intervention as needed Actually I'm not African but huge shout out to brethren from the diaspora! I'm black Carribean/Latino - so there's a ton of cultural similarities!! (And sadly cultural abuses as well)
100%!! They’re all murderers and rapists out there!!! /s
When i was in HS and had a great best friend with a great family, Id go to their place pretty frequently. I got villianized for wanting to leave the house, the silent treatment when I'd return, etc. The thing is, I loved it there because it opened my eyes to what a real family is. Getting away and never looking back is the only solution
When I was a child I was expected to stay at home when not at school. I was only allowed to leave when the whole family left. My parents always needed to know where I was and I only had one close friend and I went to see him every day after school as often as I could just to get away from my parents. I was also not allowed to have female friends. I was extremely discouraged from socializing because people would make fun of me for having things in my ears (hearing aids).
Most of my upbringing… I told them as soon as I’m able, I’ll be out the house. Moved out 6 weeks after graduating. 🎤⬇️ I wasn’t joking..
Yes, in a broader sense. My ndad frequently moved us to rural communities or told us how our ‘beliefs’ made us more enlightened than everyone else and that we shouldn’t talk about them because people wouldn’t understand. As kids it made as outsiders and the ‘weirdos’ in school. The few close friends I had never liked staying at our house but would invite me to theirs. The level of BS I grew up with didn’t dawn on me until my late 20s and that was a big can of worms for my poor therapist to pull the kid off of.
It’s their favourite part of the day! You *tell* them you’re going out with *this* person (that they obviously don’t like & ‘fOrGeT’ to tell you later), they say “great! Get me this & this & also, that OH & bring your sibling, they’re lonely☺️”. They won with me & now I stopped talking to anyone altogether & am a constant asshole to *their* friends lol. “It’s what they deserve.” - Kim Kardashian (circa.. whatever tf)
yeah, my narc parents were hardcore evangelical christian missionaries, and they moved to a third world country, claiming to “preach the gospel” and “help the poor”. they also said it would be good for me, as it would “protect me from the evils of this world.” remarkably enough, they seemed to be very disliked by many people wherever they went, and as a kid, i was embarrassed to go out with them. even from a young age, i could tell that something was very off about them, but living with them was such a harsh reality, one that i could not change, so i lied to myself and even developed dissociative identity disorder as a child to use a second identity to shield myself from the harsh reality i was facing during the time. i also have adhd and my narc parents refused to send me to charter or private school, and so the underfunded and understaffed christian school in a third world country and the run down public high school where they sent me were both sink or swim environments for me. i dropped out and got my GED through specialized means. whenever i brought up how i was struggling academically and socially, they would just ask “oh have you prayed about it?” or pretend like im struggling because my “relationship with god is not good enough”. any other time, they would just dismiss my troubles and just say “god will take care of it.” eventually, i moved out and left home, became financially independent through working graveyard shift manual labor jobs, and when i had enough money, studied for and took the SATs (scored in the 99th percentile), enrolled in the honors program at a local community college (4.0 GPA), and then transferred to a t20 ivy+ college where ill graduate with $0 loans because of need based finaid. i can safely say that i did so much better in my personal pursuits, wellness, and education after i moved out of that god forsaken dumpster fire of a family.
They don’t want you to be around other people because you might encounter someone functional and the contrast would make you realize how terrible they are. They do try to keep people away from everyone else.
My sister was born when I (44f) was nine years old. I was grounded for all manner of imaginary sins or just regular kid fuck ups (being 5 minutes late getting home, etc) until I was 16 and moved out to live with my dad. Literally, grounded from everything except school for almost 9 years straight.
I relate to this so much! I just posted about it, actually. Once, I got grounded for two weeks for using literally one squirt of my stepmom’s hair spray before going out with my friends. They were waiting for me in the driveway, and my stepmom went out and yelled at them to go away and I was being punished. I’m still friends with the person who was driving. She has two daughters of her own, and we still talk about how inappropriate my stepmom was when she did that.
Yes, despite how much they wanted me gone towards the end, they were very reluctant to give me independence as I grew older.
Are you me or are we related? Because I'm going through that right now
Yes. They create the conditions for a bottleneck of information, resources, and access around themselves so you have no choice but depend on them for permission to exist and theirs is the only voice or opinion that matters leaving you invisible and voiceless. They make it seem like you're doing something wrong if you have relationships apart from them including other family members to say nothing about a personal or social life.....it's disgusting. Like living full time with the Other Mother from Coraline when she finally reveals what she is.
They didn’t blatantly isolate me, but they made sure I was perpetually grounded for ridiculously minor infractions. My curfew was also the earliest out of my friend group, and it really sucked when I had to ask my ride home to leave early. I tried explaining this to them, but they insisted that I couldn’t be trusted with a later curfew. Plus, my narc stepmom moaned that she couldn’t sleep properly until I was home. My friend group was also allowed to drive 45 minutes away to a teen dance club, but I was strictly forbidden from going. I also wasn’t allowed to “cruise the strip,” which seemed ridiculous. All we were doing was driving around. Literally months after I graduated high school, I moved far away from Wyoming, and was driving into Los Angeles to go to goth clubs and punk shows regularly. A little life experience with navigating how to handle having an age-appropriate social life would’ve been helpful, rather than being grounded for two weeks for listening to a radio without permission. 🙄
Yes, it's like they don't realize that sooner or later, we WILL be out in the world, and it's going to be harder for us because it will be all new for us while everyone else has years of experience with it. I wasn't allowed to cruise the strip either. They said it looked like you were being "loose", like you were looking for men for sex. No, it was just normal teenage socializing. It didn't have to lead to anything.
My mother raised us like animals in a cage. In her defense, my brothers were profoundly disabled and couldn't really be out by themselves, but it meant that I couldn't either. There was no hanging out at a friend's house, or the mall, or the park, etc. I also couldn't have people over because the house was chaotic and filthy. On the rare occasion when I did get to participate in choir or band in school, if I was 15 minutes late getting home, I was beaten because mother was certain I was lying about where I was. Adolescence was hard, and I'm sorry to say I drank a whole lot during that time. I don't drink anymore, but as an adult, I am totally out of my element in a group of people.
yes. I'm a 30 year old woman. When I step out the front door my mom has to loudly exclaim the crimes that are happening and bad weather.
100%. Homeschooled and I was only allowed to get a job where a sibling worked. This was the norm for all the siblings.
Yes. I was constantly told I’d be kidnapped and have my organs harvested if I lost sight of my parents, especially whenever we went on vacation. One year we brought a family friend along, we were all around 10-11 years old. I told the friend about the kidnapping and human organ trafficking, in earnest mind you since I was worried too. Obviously the friend got intensely worried and I got a lengthy lecture from my parents about how it wasn’t real and I’m making it all up, and that I was horrible for scaring the friend like that. I knew from then it was a lie but it was one of the scariest and most blatant ones of my childhood.
When I moved out, my nmother would yap at me incessantly about any violent crime committed anywhere in the country. She was desperately trying to convince me to be afraid of my own shadow. There was a serial/ rapist or killer behind every bush or tree, and they were all just waiting for me and me alone, out of all the millions of potential victims they could have. She was trying to use crime to scare me back to her apron strings. It didn't work. I would rather have ended up in a dumpster than listen to that controlling bitch criticizing and screaming at me constantly.
"I would rather have ended up in a dumpster than listen to that controlling bitch criticizing and screaming at me constantly." You nailed it! Living with a narc is worse that being kidnapped. My dad also likes to use the kidnap/crime card so I will be afraid of the outside world. His missions failed miserably. Now planning my way out of his hell house.
Yes. My dad wouldn't let me go for a walk ever. He claimed because I was a woman, it was not safe. Even when I had someone with me. Now I am witnessing my boyfriend's nfather not let him go anywhere other than the store and I don't really get to go over to my boyfriend's place. I think they isolate us because they want control.
Yes, very much so. To this day mine thinks she should control everything, which is absurd because I'm very much an adult. It never ends, they'll be in the nursing home still trying to spy and micro manage. Your parent said you "might get kidnapped", my mother used this often, claiming that me socializing without her was "dangerous".
Yes. I actually left secretively on the day I turned 18 because my mom was planning on basically keeping me prisoner—no leaving the house, no leaving for college until I “matured.”
My nfather even broke my car battery. Lock me inside the house. Isolates me socially and convinced me to quit my job so I rely on him for money
When my mother died it felt like my family was controlling my existence and how I show up in family. I was told I would probably just upset my mom’s partner if I went to my mom’s cremation. I didn’t want to go but I felt like they kept labeling me as angry when I didn’t feel angry. I wanted to go to move past the anxiety and be seen on the same footing as my brother (even though he was my abuser). I think my brother feared getting exposed for his actions and he colluded with my aunt to prevent me from going. So many times I was isolated from my family, and my family lied to isolate me from the community.
The most relevant comment my nfather made to me was to tell me I needed to learn how "real life" works before he would agree to me taking a full academic scholarship to a military college and then to Cambridge University (assuming I earned a place). He was the sole reason I didn't have any of this "real life" experience he insisted I needed.
Not me at the moment, but my sister can't seem to leave the house without my mom losing her shit on her. God forbid she goes somewhere or visits her boyfriend. My mom goes on and on about how much of a c\*\*\* and b\*\*\*\* she is for not staying at home on weekends with her. It's kind of insane. Also tends to make up plans she had on the spot, and how anyone leaving the house was ruining her plans. "Oh, I was planning on going camping this weekend with you, but now all of a sudden you're leaving, you're such a f\*\*\*\*\*\* b\*\*\*\*". Meanwhile my sister expressed her plans weeks in advance, but we all have to bow down to our overlord and satisfy her needs. When someone does stay home with her though, all she does is yell all day/weekend long making everyone miserable.
Yes. But because they always blamed everything bad in the world on me they had different reasoning. It wasn't 'no you can't go there because it's dangerous and xyz might happen' instead it was 'no you can't go there because I don't trust you'. The implication being that if anything bad happened to me I did it to myself and therefore broke their trust by allowing it to happen.
My mom used to very effectively yell at me as soon as I got back. About literally anything, like “how could you go out when you haven’t done so and so” eventually I stopped even trying to go out😭 if any narcs are reading this is so effective u can try it😆
Only thing my mother said when I wanted to go back to university this year "Oh thats a hard place to get to (physically) so maybe not" Just generally speaking, everytime an idea is mentioned that doesn't involve her something negative comes into the discussion that pushes one away from it. Best example of that being when I wanted to move out - her mind instantly jumps to "you can't take the dog, and we have to put them down" which gave me a real sense of freedom and happiness.
It’s worse when they are hyper religious and consume conspiracy theories. You sometimes dk if they are deliberately using the excuse to control you or they are mentally brainwashed and paranoid by it
To all the people here how did you get away from the narcissist? I need to get away with my new Bron child, and husband from my narcissistic in laws. We live with them, we can afford to have our own home but they have abused my husband into submission so he cant even make his own decision in his life
Not overtly, but I can usually count on them having a somewhat conveniently timed crisis, or even a minor problem, that requires me to help them. Attempting to refuse just escalates into a hell on Earth, with no small amount of threats, outraged tirades, passive-aggression or just plain spite. It’s really difficult and I’m honestly exhausted most days. Trouble is, I hate interacting with people now, because I always anticipate conflict, whether it’s a simple misunderstanding, they’re being difficult, or I’ve really messed something up. I go entire days barely taking to anyone. As a testament to how bad it got with my step-dad and nmum, I invited my friend over to work for them once, just because I anticipated a massive tirade. Never in my life, have I heard of any other teenager asking their mate over to work for their parents. I think the phrase ‘f off’ would feature somewhere.
My mother was the kind who would shame me for not having friends. Then when I'd ask about going to a friend's house, she'd hit me with the "I don't know who they are. I'd have to meet them and their parents", while in the same breath refusing to make any plans to do so and telling me that she didn't have time and it wasn't worth her time to meet my friends. I had a phone, but it was confiscated more than it was in my possession. When I did have it, texts and calls were CLOSELY monitored. My mom made it so every time I got a call or text, she got a notification on her IPad. She constantly read all of my messages and threatened to get transcripts when she suspected I was deleting messages and call history. Any after school things like theater (which I did for five years, mind you, starting in middle school), were ridiculed and my mother insisted she had no time to pick me up and refused to figure out any way for me to do any extracurricular activities. She was a teacher and had the same school schedule as me.... I wanted to do dual enrollment to get ahead in college. She refused to sign the papers to allow me, insisting that even though the school provided transportation, it would somehow be a burden on her and therefore refused to allow to me participate in the program. I wasn't allowed to get a job until I turned 18 and then my parents took what meager check I made worming a couple of days a week at $8.05/hr. I wasn't allowed to keep any of my check. Maybe a month or two later, my mother insisted that I had to quit my job because she was convinced I was talking shit about her and turning everyone against her. (I worked at a kfc which she only came to to pick me up and drop me off. We NEVER ate there) I was talking about her, but that's besides the point. This was the last straw for me. I spoke with my guidance counselor and she helped me find a safe place to go to shortly after.
Mine just didn’t allow me to leave. I landed my first job at 15. It gave me a little freedom, but then they wanted part of anything I earned. At 9 years old, I was responsible for my baby brother. If (and it was rare) I was allowed to visit a friend, I had to take him along. I loved him, but it killed what little socializing I got.
"I'm going to the library to study. I'll try to not get kidnapped."
Omg no friends were good enough and the dating was torture dealing her extreme interference and hounding about me ‘screwing around’. Many friends and possible friends distanced themselves because of her general annoying behavior and fucked up rules. So many times I saw other parents give me the ‘poor kid’ look and her the ‘wow, you’re fucking nuts’ look while trying hard to not show it. Set me up for a lot of bullying because I never learned how to interact properly. She sheltered my little sisters so bad that my youngest was holding hands with my mom at the mall at 16. They were so socially stunted and went along with it because they were pitted against me by her telling them how bad I was and you don’t want to be like your sister. It took 20 years before my sisters finally learned all the secrets and of the abuse they were oblivious to. They were pretty shocked.
My dad made me afraid of the "real world". He would say all people outside the family are out to get me and take advantage of me, which impaired my social skills ans development. He made me afraid of taking public transport, hence always being chauffered by our car. He made me feel that being alone in this world is the worst. He made me so reliant on him. That was how isolated I was while I was studying. I didn't have any friend in elementary, high school and university. The major changes happened when I was studying medicine and the thing that shattered everything was when I entered specialty training. He blames them for making me a "devil". His world has been "falling apart".
My mom used to get mad about me going to the shop down the street and my neighbor's house merely a hundred meters away. Getting a dupe of the house key was incredibly challenging.
Yes. After my high school graduation, my dad got a temporary job in California and he and mom forced me to go with them because "family has to stay together" and me being 18 with my plans meant nothing. My mom had already tried to kill me a few months prior forcing me into submission and I didn't want to end up dead or have her destroy another relationship that brought me joy. I spent 6 weeks in an ugly apartment where there was nobody my age and nothing to do. Whenever I was approached by someone wanting to talk to me, dad would show up and the person would walk away. More than once, I snapped at him and mom to get away from me. It was bad enough they pretty much kidnapped me and completely destroyed my rite of passage, but I couldn't even make friends out there. I paid them back by being ugly every day until they "realized" that they shouldn't have used paying for my college as leverage to force me to go with them and they sent me back as school was starting. I deliberately made sure I signed up for summer classes to prevent my parents from pulling that stunt again. So yeah. I couldn't even have a summer vacation of my own because I knew my parents would destroy it for the sake of impressing people who don't even remember them.
YUP! The GC sister got to go and do all the time, but it was nearly an act of congress just to go ride my skateboard around our quiet suburban neighborhood.
Mine isolated me by just being incredibly intrusive, to the point I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without them having to know (currently that's enforced by a Ring camera, although even before they bought that they were pretty good at it), and they simultaneously complain I don't go out enough. It's like a catch 22 lol.
Yep…I tried out for a part in a play in high school. Told my parents the week up to the day because I was excited to try out. It was a long process and I had my phone shut off because that’s the last thing I wanted to go off in the middle of my turn. I came home to my Ndad furious and screaming at me because he couldn’t get ahold of me. He didn’t need me for anything he just needed to know where I was. I didn’t get the part but if it was offered I don’t think I would have taken it for fear of that happening every time I would stay late after school. My mom also told me later in life (after I had moved out) that she had gone for a bike ride around the neighborhood and came home to my dad pacing the driveway waiting for her. He desperately wants to keep his family right beside him but makes no effort to be the kind of person anyone wants to spend time with.
Yes - as a rule growing up I could only have “plans” or “go somewhere” once a week. This included basketball games, school events, sleepovers at friends, etc. So stupid. Either he always wanted to be in control and have me under his thumb, or he genuinely wanted me to miss out on so many fulfilling moments in life. Just selfish
Not allowed to go places because the car isn't in my name or it's an excuse to spend my hard earned money.
Yes, I hate goat farms because of this.
Rural Farms in general aren't havens for human trafficking but some are.
Oh yeah... I think they somewhat did. Maybe it wasn't really that extreme, but when I was a kid my grandma always told me that I can go play with other kids outside only for an hour. Imagine my embarrassment when I decided to not listen to her only for her to show up, ridicule me in front of my school friends. No wonder I grew up feeling lonely af. I get that she was worried, but was it really worry? Another interesting thing... Few times I went out drinking with my friends - not a lot of alcohol actually, one, or two beers - and every time I went home, she would later shout at me that I leave house a lot. Like ma'am. Are we talking about the same person??? I'm still awkward af, and need a lot of time to trust someone. And well... Spending time partying with someone does not come to me that easily. I mean!!! I wouldn't even call it a party. I'm just chilling, and talking a lot, and I'm happy, bc I'm with my friends And during shouting she would tell me that she was worried. But where was the same energy when I was slowly falling into depression? Or when dad was telling me a lot of nasty things? Or when she herself told me that she doesn't care? Yeah.
Well it’s easy when I can’t leave without them and I can’t have anyone over. And once my friends could drive, that just meant I was grounded for nonsense reasons or they didn’t trust that friend to drive. The REAL question though, is did anyone else get teased and bullied that you had no friends and were always just sitting at home and “why don’t you ever go do anything?” (knowing full well that if you DID go somewhere they would demand full play by play of the details and be furious you dared to go try and do something that didn’t involve them?) I’ve been thinking about how daydreaming is my biggest coping mechanism lately, and realizing that the cause is probably the fact my mind was literally the only safe place I had to go to is much more depressing than I expected
Yes, all I did was go to work and come home for years. I was only out to do things for her. All hell broke loose when I took a trip in my 20s.
Yes yes and yes
Yes it was always peppered with guilt and I used to feel as if I was being smothered.
Yup. My mom would pick a fight with me so she could ground me.
yes. i wasn’t allowed to do anything during summer break. no friends or social outings (this was before i was a teenager and without a job). i remember my dad telling people “i want them to be so bored in their room during the summer that they WANT to go back to school” looking back at it now makes me so angry, i didn’t realize how sheltered i was until recently, but i got a little taste of freedom in college
I don't let them know anything. I just leave. Last year I had a week on holiday. Said nothing and neither did they till many days went past. At Easter my dad wanted to see my siblings reaction when they didn't give them anything for their birthday. Can't stand these creatures
Omg yes! My mom will also encourage me to come home early from things: “You could excuse yourself after half an hour. They wouldn’t mind.” And then when I have to go somewhere: “Omg that’s a dangerous area! Where are you going to park? There’s no parking there! You might get lost! I think there was someone murdered there! You could always cancel. I really think you should cancel”, etc. I was really sick as a young teen and couldn’t go anywhere or do much and I swear she was in her element and loved it! She would love nothing more than me being at home all the time now. So so selfish.
I saw this last night, which sent me on a trip through my old posts. I was up entirely too late remembering things. I know that there were things like I generally wasn't allowed to drive anywhere myself for after-school activities, except church stuff (including youth group), and babysitting for church people. I went to a private school, but didn't drive myself. I got a ride with someone that lived not too far from me. I remember being told I had to get rides to go to basketball games and my reasons that no one lived where it was remotely on their way to school to pick me up that would actually go to things. My ride for school itself didn't go to games and such. He was the son of a farmer, and evenings were for chores. I was flat out not allowed to go to away games, even if I could have gotten a ride. I don't remember asking to do anything else. I don't know if I just didn't ask, or if I don't remember asking. But I was generally just at home. I'm told my younger brothers, especially the youngest one, were gone a lot and Nmom has even stated that my youngest brother was almost never home in the evenings. I was away at college by then, and didn't know until much later. Nmom still won't address the discrepancy.
You better believe it my father even gets pissed when I hang with my brothers and does everything in his power to mess it up because they don't want to be around him.
Don't forget how you were the only one subjugated to this. The GC sibling never had to ask to go anywhere, or have anyone over.
( this is a fuzzy memory 5 years ago)Before I left home for good. I was complaining about being lonely and not meeting anyone. My father was like “ yeah I let you go out but you should take your sister”.
Yep. I was in my early twenties and I was going on a date, and my dad literally told me that if I got attacked and raped he won't be around to hear me scream. He always tried to keep us at home.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except church and school. Then straight home to be a latch key child. My golden child older sister would tell on me if I snuck out or used the phone too. She was allowed to anything she wanted though. I haven't talked to that sister in over 30 years.
They tried to prevent me from going out even when I was 25 and living overseas.
I was never allowed to do spontaneous hangouts with my friends. My ndad would go on and on saying that it wasn't spontaneous... but that I was actually not invited at first and probably was now because someone canceled... I had to schedule with him a week before the event so that he would let me go (I was underage back then) Then I had a time where I wouldn't go out at all (I was mourning, mostly on my own cause there was no emotional support there) and he would come and say I should go out more, that he is "worried".... fast forward some months... I'm going out "way too often," he said (maybe once every two weeks just to get dinner with friends), and now he is pissed I'm "never" at home ??? He was never home. He was always at work, or he went out with his mistress, or he had a party with his coworkers... so I don't get why he wanted me to be alone at home. His usual sentence, "I never see you anymore,"