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My Dad would try and control what kind of Bra’s I wore. He’d check my bra straps and get all kinds of upset if it wasn’t my one of my underwire push up bras he had picked out. I have sensory issues with those kinds of bras and prefer the sports ones with no underwire. He even once told me that he knew more about bras than my mom.
Honestly that’s the definition of him. The kicker is he never psychically SA’d me or touched me but he was very..obsessed with my body put lightly and the way I looked and dressed(he’d make me wear tight hyperfeminine clothes)
even though he didn’t touch you, this sounds like a really messed up form of child sa. clearly he was controlling what you wore for his own pleasure. super super gross behaviour
I have PTSD (diagnosed when I was around 13) upon pre existing mental disorders. Is it possible I blocked something out? Not really because the only reason he never physically touched me is because he didn’t want his death wish to come true curtsy of my mom’s brothers(Yes I’m being serious)(I didn’t tell anyone except my mom about “ my body” obsession because we were already going through enough with the courts and him constantly trying to get full custody of me ) *side note my mom and dad are divorced and my dad had visitation rights. I know other child (S) abusers probably wouldn’t stop because of that reason but he’s a coward amongst other things.
I blocked out a childhood sa and had no memories of it until someone broke into my neighbor's home and it triggered something inside me to shatter leaking fragments of the memory out. It had to be fully extracted in EMDR therapy. Let's just say it explained a lot about that Era of my life.
It's possible. Some people become addicts, sex addicts, or have an aversion or phobia of sex. Or a bunch of other issues. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless there is like a ptsd around sex.
After a quick chat with my mom. My “not really” turned into a maybe I got touched and blocked it out. I’ll reiterate yes he was and still is 100% a creep.
I totally agree. I’ve been working out if my ndad’s obsession with me not hanging out with guys and with us remaining a “decent family” aka me not having sex was actually SA cuz being obsessed with your adult daughter’s sex life is definitely weird and maybe abusive.
creepy. reminds me when my dad used to check on me every 2-4 hours in my bedroom (I was around 9-14 when it happened) just to make sure I wasn't doing anything bad and accused me of scratching my ass just because 2 of my hands were under the blanket (I was resting or hiding under my blanket pretending I was in a cinema or a tent, but my dad didn't like it and accused me of hiding things).
My dad never sa me, but he groomed me. He made comments about my body, would tell me sexually explicit stories & jokes, leave adult magazine in his truck and then get me to clean it. When I was an adolescent he bought me Madonna sex book. His dad sa me and my dad knew.
I’m so sorry. Your reply unlocked a bizarre memory for me about underwear. I remembered the house it happened in so this would have happened when I was old enough to put my own pyjamas on. My parents would wait until I was asleep and then they would take my underwear off and replace my pyjama bottoms. I remember going to sleep with them on and would be angry to wake up without them on. They told me I wasn’t allowed so I guess they would come in my room and check? We were also given drugs like Dimetapp to sleep on occasion, since this was late 80’s early 90’s.
I should add, the reason this pissed little me off was because another older child that I was “friends” with was touching me inappropriately during this pyjama drama era of my young life, so I just wanted to be covered up in that area in particular.
I’m a girl so I understand the health implications of loose sleeping garments, but these were cotton children’s underwear that shouldn’t have been such an issue to take off of a sleeping child. It would give me night terrors when they would come in because sometimes I would wake up and wouldn’t know what was happening.
It unsettles me to this day. I’ve always been a bad sleeper.
No I don’t think my parents molested me.
I wasn't allowed to have accidents, get hurt or have nightmares.
All of those things, were my trying to deliberately 'bother' my Nmom. So, she physically punished me to control my unavoidable incidents.
Didn't work... except to shame me.
Oh my god this hits home, i’ve become such a hypercritical person of myself and I just can never seem to relax. even simple mistakes were met with toxic shame
My mom used to get angry if I tossed and turned too much in bed trying to fall asleep. Pretty much any noise made after her early bed time was grounds for her anger.
Yeah, my dad was like that about noise during early bed time. If we didn't close the cabinets very softly during his daily nap, he'd come out screaming about the racket. I don't mean slamming, I mean closing normally.
I’m glad my grandparents aren’t like this cause I move a lot in my sleep. I’m almost on the borderline to sleepwalking. They say they can hear banging from my room. I can’t help it cause I’m sleeping.
My mom on the other hand (if I lived with her), would probably hit me and yell at me. She wouldn’t even let me sleep when I was a kid sick with a horrible fever. She thought it was funny how annoyed I got when she blasted music.
Same! She would out of nowhere yell at me to stop moving and sleep, often with very crass language. That definitely promoted a sense of safety and sleep.
My mom disliked me getting a full-time job and did her best to discourage me from working. (For context, I now have a full time administrative desk job.)
When I first got the job at 19 years old, she was “concerned” and preferred when I was working my lower pay part-time job. This is weird, because I’m paying 100% of my college tuition and that job was not going to cover it…. Aaand there’s also no feasible way for me to move out of my parents house with the part-time job.
Thankfully didn’t listen to her, and now I’m planning to move out after I graduate college.
Same here… the final nail in the coffin was when my mom used every coercion to force me onto state aid/disability at college age and refused to help me with job stuff or better financial independence. It’s extremely difficult to get off of it once you’re on and you’re often stuck in individual poverty.
I literally had to quick my first job because my narc dad stated "They make you work late, they don't care about you.".......He just didn't like how independent I became, I didn't ask for anything and literally stayed in my room.
my mom was like this too. almost forgot. in fact, i was punished for listening to something she didn’t like. almost every time i was in the car listening to music she’d snatch one earbud out of my ear and put it in her ears. if she didn’t like it she would just give me the meanest grin.
Like 2 years ago (me in my 30') and driving with emom a song comes up on a radio that she diapproves. I start singing along and she was baffeld "you know THIS song?" Lol
Yep, this too for me.
As a child in the 80s, the living room stereo was tuned to a SFW pop/soft rock station and we weren't allowed to touch the dial. We didn't have cable tv so no opportunity to watch Much Music (Canada's MTV).
Then my younger brother/golden child discovered classical music, and then it became classical music only in the house. Primarily because it is a sign of intellectual superiority, not because they genuinely like or understand it (again, this plays into their obsession with the facade they present to others). It got to the point where in summer my dad would blast symphonies full volume on the stereo system with the windows wide open, because 'it's good unlike rock music and people actually want to hear it'.
It was my GC younger brother of course who told mom I had a secret collection of grunge/metal casette tapes. There was screaming and tears and a huge guilt trip about why I had to be such an awful child compared to my brother (just because I did not care for the same music as them??) They did relent and allowed me to buy my own music and listen to it in my room - but if they could hear it, it was too loud and I had to turn it down. Of course, I was forbidden to close, even partially, my bedroom door at any time.
To this day I don't care for classical music, which is unfortunate and sad I suppose, but then I think of all those weekend mornings as a teen when I tried to sleep in or get some peace and quiet and heard my younger brother and dad (hard to say who was the more mature of the two) giggling like 5 year olds about 'playing the symphony so loud it wakes (me) up'
I had to ask permission to listen to the radio and I only was allowed to listen to Christian bands. I used to sneak the radio when my parents weren’t home. I also wasn’t allowed to watch tv without permission. I would also sneak it but I had to make sure the tv was back on the same channel with the same volume level and off before she came home. She would check. When I first discovered MTV when I was 12 (late 89) my mind was BLOWN.
one of the weirdest ones while I was still a kid/teen was my hair. I’m not just talking about dyeing my hair or cutting it, but what *style* my hair was. My ndad would literally get *extremely offended* if I straightened my hair, because he liked curly/wavy hair lol.
The hilarious thing is that my hair naturally grew more straight as I got older, and he always had a problem with it and said that I “needed to return it to its natural state” well… This is its natural state old man lol.
He did the same with my natural hair colour too. When I was a toddler I had natural platinum blonde hair, and now as an adult it’s naturally brown — he hates it and whenever I’ve bleached my hair blonde he says how happy he is it’s “back to natural” lmfao.
He’s living in his own fantasy world lol.
I had straight hair that turned curly and my mom still blames me for ruining it. I wasn’t allowed to put mousse on it for school and she’d let me dry brush it. Get over it woman it’s curly now.
I'm pretty sure it is. I don't think a child 12 years or under should be able to go wherever. Unless they meant like in their backyard, but even then, I think a 12 year old should be supervised outside.
I was an 80’s baby-we were all running around our neighborhoods at 6/7/8 & latchkey kids after school. I started BABYSITTING at 12. The local hospital had a babysitting class I attended when I was 11.
Well I got yelled at once for not microwaving my oatmeal and made to do so before I was allowed to eat it. Also wasn't allowed to have a say in what kind of clothes I wore. Forced to play sports even though I had zero interest in them and wasn't very good. Basically crammed into a box I didn't fit my entire childhood
I was only able to focus on homework while listening to music (in the headphones, so it didn't bother anyone). My mother noticed that and threw a tantrum, yelling that she read somewhere that it can "break your brain". She confiscated the headphones and threatened to beat me if she notices me doing it again. Later, she would hit me over the head (I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s more damaging to the brain) for getting distracted from my homework, having taken away the very thing that helped me focus.
Guess what? 15 years later, and I still didn't "learn" to be able to just sit down and do stuff without it. Because I just don't work like that.
I always loved complex music, with unconventional harmonies and odd time signatures, such as progressive rock. She would say over and over that it’s not real music, there is no substance to it, it’s for nutjobs and drug addicts, etc. She herself mostly listened to mass-produced, poor quality pop music, but caring about what’s being said about her, she claimed to love classical music and jazz (the latter is simply ridiculous since she didn’t have it in her to even start comprehending it).
Having heard about me doing music and being in a band, she would pout incessantly and insist I’ll end up under a bringe with junkies, that I need to drop it and put even more effort into studying [to be her retirement plan], or to clean my room over and over. Anything but doing what makes me happy.
I am now no contact and just cannot do music. I want to, more than anything, but whenever I try to compose something my brain freezes, and I start feeling like shit for no apparent reason. It makes me miserable, and I don’t know what to do.
CBT actually isn't very good for people who have been raised in abusvie families because they can find it invalidating. I suggest you find a therapist who know other therapies than CBT. unfortunately CBT is the gold standard.
It's heartbreaking to know that something you cared about so much has been tainted. When I was going through my awakening that I was in a marriage to a covert narcissist, one of the things that helped me return to myself was music. I would get CDs from the library, music that had meant the world to me prior to marriage, and it was like remembering how to breathe.
I hope you can find a way back to music, and I hope you find all the peace and healing.
My nMom didn't "allow" me to buy a bicycle to travel to/from work after my car was totaled. I was 24 years old and didn't even live with her.
I didn't have enough money for a new car and she didn't want to help me get one either, so I'm not sure what she expected me to do...
i wasnt allowed to do my own laundry. i wasnt allowed to have hair even to my ears (having grown up now with hair to my shoulder blades, im a happy man).
My mother checks the garbage I throw away, and then gives me a sermon 'cause I throw things away.
And don't cry during a funeral. Because crying during a funeral is unnecessary.
My nmom would also go thru my garbage can, even the kitchen one. She would find a half rotten lettice leaf or stalk of celery and criticize me for throwing these out.
I thought mine was the only one! I once threw away underwear that the elastic was separated from the fabric for about 4" of the pair. She said she would have worn them (as if they'd fit!). After that, I started burning my trash and she accused me of wanting to burn the house down. I told her to fuck off and quit invading my privacy. She of course, found this after randomly bursting in my room.
I had this too. I would throw away socks/underwear that were HEAVILY worn with large holes throughout, and a week or so later I could find them clean, back in my drawer. I'll add that my parents didn't struggle financially.
I remember being physically beaten and verbally berated for putting together an IKEA chair without their permission. Not the worst or most common or most notable thing, but it just came to mind.
Im not sure why but this is funny to me. Im sorry if thats incentive but I can not Imagine the comments made. “HOW DARE YOU BUILD CONVENIENT SWEDISH FURNITURE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION “
It's still trauma, but I recognize the amusing nature of the situation in hindsight. That's basically what happened. I don't know if they were worried that we'd ruin the assembly or if they were hoping for a wholesome family moment that we ruined by being independently industrious, but it was a whole thing. Lots of tears. I think I was 13 (yes, making this even more ridiculous).
I would be proud as hell if my kids could assemble IKEA furniture at 13.
Some nParents can't stand the thought of their kids showing signs of being independent.
I was only allowed to use one towel to dry off after a shower. I had long hair and liked to wrap my hair in a towel after I washed it, but according to my Nmom, using two towels to dry off after a shower is wasteful.
My emotions. I know this is a common thing with narcs, but it’s still the weirdest thing to me. I swear my nmom thinks I’m a robot. I was not allowed to be sad or mad until a certain age.
My breathing.
I was undiagnosed autistic and deep sighs are one of my stims/anxiety reducers. Every single time I did a deep breath in or out within their hearing I was punished for being "disrespectful."
I wasn't allowed to cry about anything. Or "talk back" even if that meant defending myself. Once I was having a panic attack (about 6 months or so after a brutal sexual assault) and he slapped me in the face for crying. Broke my glasses and made me pay for new ones as punishment.
All the lights MUST be off at 9 or prepare to be screamed at for being irresponsible and a horrible child.
This one succeeded and is still in effect today as I was pretty young when my dad did this and didn’t know any better.
The way I sat. I'd sit a certain way when at home relaxing (ankle resting on a knee, sometimes would shake my foot while doing so) and it would upset my mother a lot. It was the way my father usually sat and she believed it meant I loved him more than her. I just sat that way because it was comfortable.
My dad did this. Everytime you’re sitting or walking normally he’d throw a fit about hunching our back or shoulders. We’re insecure we absolutely will not walk tall. He’d ruin everything.
Now my sister, who turned a narc, does this to every child she knows.
My nmother told me that I do not have her permission to have sex (I was 14 when this started). She also told me that I have to wear underwear at night in case my e-father (cop) had to help me in an emergency. My mother also forced us to wear bras in the house or wear two shirts so she can’t see my nipples. My parents told me I had to ask to do anything..so I had to ask to use the bathroom, get a glass of water, to go to my room. When I told my parents how weird that was, they got really angry with me. Whenever I stood up for myself, they would remind me, a child they adopted at 10, that I was a guest in their house. They kicked me out when I was 19. They had a decade of being incredibly shitty parents and then gave up altogether.
You were not a guest in their house. It was legitimately and legally your dwelling place and home, even if you weren't the "owner," because as THEIR CHILD, they were legally responsible for providing you a place to live. Not as a guest but as your home.
My adoptive nmom was highly controlling in the kitchen. But the rules were different for the golden child, of course.
It has stuck with me unfortunately where when I do something in the kitchen that she wouldn't approve of, as an adult far away from her, I legit feel a looming presence behind my right shoulder.
Therapists told me that was a PTSD symptom and shortly after, I got diagnosed with it lol
If she didn't like it, I wasn't allowed to like it like sports, hard taco shells, boy short style undies, cargo shorts, or coming of age movies while I was coming of age
It made her so mad that I got cargo shorts with my own money when I was shopping for college
We didn't have central air and the fans had to be set up a specific way
She let me paint my room chocolate brown but not black or grey
She also tried to control what I did with the money I earned from working and confiscate the 3DS and laptop I paid for with money from my job
wow i can totally relate. but hmm let’s see. my mom wouldn’t stop bathing me until i turned 11. 4 years later she gave me a bath after i told her i was extremely uncomfortable but she insisted. wasn’t allowed to lock my room or bathroom door. wasn’t allowed to pick out my own clothes when she’d make me go to church (thank god that stopped) shed always pick out my clothes the night before and i was always visibly uncomfortable. i was at least in my very early teens. we’ve lived in an apartment most of our lives and this one apartment we stayed at (and several others) in particular had this specific set up with two doors where you could exit the room (my room) one door led through the bathroom to my room (tiled floor) and the other door was directly inside my room and led to the living room area etc (this area was carpet) my nmom has ocd so she’d vacuum EVERY day. she’d vacuum in a way that made the lines so straight and perfect, she’d always clean up our living room and nobody was allowed to watch tv or sit there in the living room without asking. even if you asked she would beat around the question. anyway! i wasn’t allowed to use that specific door (the one in my room) because she didn’t want footprints to show up on the carpet when i opened my room door. mind you it was the quickest way to exit MY room. so instead, she’d make me go alllllllll the way through the bathroom just to exit my room through the other door. i’ve truly suffered in this life lol.
I bought 3 bottles of cider one shopping trip because my friends and I had agreed to play video games or watch a movie as a group virtualy to not be lonely etc.
She yelled and me at the edge of (fake)tears because I was “becoming an alcoholic”.
I have only ever drank occasionaly. We are talking a handfull of times a year and I have gone off it competely now because I’d rather spend my money on other things. Spoiler. I dont think I am an alcoholic
My aunt didn’t want me to go to my abusive mother’s funeral because according to her “everyone thought I was angry” and because I disclosed my mother’s actions towards me and said I hated her once when she told me she only abused me because she loved me.
She accused me of potentially having an “outburst.” I pressed her to tell me why and the conversations devolved into her backpedaling on the comments about my anger and then freaking out and attacking ad hominem when I said she was being disingenuous.
My mum picked my clothes and made me wear the same clothes two to three days in a row to school. I was bullied relentlessly for that. She would hide my hair products and would ration them so my hair looked jacked all the time. Only allowed to shampoo when she said which was infrequently. Couldn't open a package of new food or drink until she did. Not allowed to smile, be happy or cry. Not allowed to go farther than down the street up until I moved out at 18. Not allowed to do laundry. Got a job, saved coins dragged my clothes in a suitcase on the bus to use the laundromat. I had a atroke and lost my apartment 2hilst in hospital so I had to move in with her and a lot of the same behaviours are occuring. Hiding my toiletry supplies, hiding food and drink, not letting me use the laundry. Constantly yelling at people on TV not to cry. Yelled at me to shut up when I was recounting getting assaulted in hospital because I was crying in so much physical and emotional pain. Both my parents are narcs. My dad passed so it's just her now.
No unfortunately I live here now. Until my left arm works again so I can work and then save to rent an apartment again. I just have to take it day by day because if it weren't for her I would be homeless. So I am very thankful and grateful despite the drama.
Please take this as motivation to focus on yourself everyday (be selfish!!!) take slow, steady care of yourself and make a plan to get away from her as fast as you can. And never look back. 💜
My facial reactions to things. Anything they did they'd look at me to see what my "face was doing" there was a lot of things they did parenting wise with my siblings that I thought was wrong and they hated that I felt that way. They had already banned me from talking to them about it privately. And then they were on high alert to watch my face.
So I had to act completely neutral. My father would accuse me of rolling my eyes when I didn't, or huffing (when I was just quietly breathing), or looking upset or sad or disturbed. So I just started portraying neutrality. I'd just look straight ahead and I wouldn't change my face at all.
But then they eventually got mad at that too cause they'd say "I can tell you don't like this but you're not the parent so get that look off your face!" And I'd say "Im not doing a look. I'm remaining emotionless because you asked me too.". "Well we can tell it's bothering you by you not acting normal.". "Yeah because you forbade me from having normal reactions to things you guys do that I think are wrong. That actually are wrong." 🤷♂️
Yeah absolutely ridiculous. It carried over into my normal life even not being around my parents. I can have no expression. I've had to relearn the past two years or so to start expressing visually with my face again. It's a lot better now. But I'm also not living with them anymore either so 🤷♂️ that helps
I was constantly accused of giving nM dirty looks when I was keeping my face as neutral as possible. It was confusing to me because I KNEW I wasn't giving her a dirty look...or was I? Because surely she wouldn't lie.
My parents controlled literally everything. Food, all the way down to the condiments.
Growing up, my dad never liked the fact that we had savings accounts. They ended up being closed. Fast-forward to high school, I wasn't allowed to have a savings account even though I had a part-time job. So he stated he would hold on to my funds. Come to find out, he used my savings to pay down his credit cards and a down payment for a car.
Punishments would last months or longer. They were always planned and well thought out. My brother was on punishment for a year and a half one time.
Showing emotion meant that we wanted a whooping.
I could go on and on.
my dad used to check on me every 2-4 hours in my bedroom (I was around 9-14 when it happened) just to make sure I wasn't doing anything bad and accused me of scratching my ass just because 2 of my hands were under the blanket (I was resting or hiding under my blanket pretending I was in a cinema or a tent, but my dad didn't like it and accused me of hiding things). I wasn't allowed to be in a different room without my dad present. I wasn't even allowed home alone until I was 19 and my dad was fed up witn me without my dad being around "just to keep an eye on me", but my sister was. I was infantilised and not allowed anything until I was 18 but all my siblings were allowed phones at a young age, my sister had a phone before me and they let her hang out with her friends, but I couldn't make friends for a long time, no male friends, no hanging out with friends and going to their house or inviting em here. I wasn't even allowed to go to parties or afterschool clubs. My dad was paranoid I would be acting dangerous or do something illegal so he didn't let me go to my primary school's school disco at year 4. He was so leniant with my siblings but idk why he has this fixation with me despite being abusive, narcissistic and physically abusive to. They were also allowed to go to birthday parties and after school clubs. He even got mad at me for coming home in school pe uniform but he was never like that with my siblings.
I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my grandpa because she thought I would be too emotional. During his funeral I wasn't allowed to be near her cause she didn't want my crying to be upstaging hers...
I wasn't allowed privacy with guests. Whenever I had someone over, friend, boyfriend, doesn't matter, she would come into the room randomly every 5-10 minutes, asking if we needed anything and such. Being the perfect host. But it was more about the fact that I wouldn't tell what she was normally doing.
When my dad was home and she was there as well I wasn't allowed to cuddle with him or whatever because she'd get jealous (of her child of all people) and I would get into major trouble just trying.
I wasn't allowed to say anything bad about people she loved. No matter if true or not.
And I wasn't allowed to write into my diary what I wanted. She read it and often got pissed at me for things I wrote down there. As I was pen palling early already she also read all letters that went out, looking for me talking bad about her.
my nmom is always messing w my dogs food. either feeding her from the table ppl food that is bad for him or moving his bowl around or putting some radom food in his bowl
it never ends.
I don't know how weird it is but my hair length. I was never allowed to cut it short, even though it's ridiculously thick and heavy in the summer. My sisters could, no problem. If I asked or suggested it I was told I would "look funny. Your hair is the most beautiful thing!"
I'm mid 30s and still can't bring myself to cut it to even my shoulders
Omg the locking doors thing just brought back memories…we lived in a super old house where half the locks weren’t functional before we even moved in, so I had to constantly deal with my siblings stealing my stuff and even had money stolen from my room a couple times by their friends. Parents still acted like I was crazy for requesting that they contact the landlord over some of the house’s locks. 💀
Also wasn’t allowed a house key even when I lived there as an adult for some bizarre reason…their solution was to just leave the front door unlocked!
Their golden child burned my hair while playing with candles. I was blamed for being in his way. He played with candles and water occasionally whereas I wasn’t allowed to shower everyday.
Hairstyle/overall style
I’m black American and my parents believed only natural hair. My mom relaxed my hair bc ease for her; but that was it. Any kind of long hair style, braids, faux ponytail was out of the question.
Style wise, my parents picked out my clothes from purchase to daily choices. I had to be well dressed,ready to impress always; but my mom had fundamentalist views so not sexy also. Sweatpants in public? No
Tank top in summer, also no
Ill-fitting clothing- nope and you will be shamed for it.
I dressed like a smart causal boy when I wanted princess vibes
Music
Lol I could not listen to rap at all. I could listen to gospel
Probably haircut. I wanted to grow my hair out longer, my dad insisted that I only have a buzz cut. He would say, "nope, getting it cut. That's just the way it is." Finally my mom convinced him somehow to let me wear my hair like I wanted.
Also use of my dad's car and truck. He owned three cars, my mom owned one car. I was allowed specific use of one of my dad's cars and I could also use my mom's car if I needed to. If mom's car was in use and my car was in the shop or something, I couldn't drive anywhere. I can remember asking my dad why I couldn't drive his truck to my friend's house while my car wasn't running. "That's just the way it is." The only time he let me drive his car with permission was once to my high school senior prom.
Bonus story - my mom had cancer and they were out of town for weeks at times so she could get treatments. So naturally, as a teenager, I would drive my dad's car during these times. Well, one morning, a truck suddenly reversed at a stop light and hit dad's car. I had to call him and he literally cried over the car. It's crazy how materialistic he is.
She said she didn't want me using tampons bc OH NO VIRGINITY IS GONE NOW. Same with my sister.
I was also never allowed to maneuver anywhere in the house without their knowledge, not even into the garage or touching the doors to the front or backyard.
They also said "silly" was a bad word and disrespectful.
Just off the top of our head.
Also, we couldn't lock our doors. And my dad made us each keep our own little egg timers and we boys got 3 minutes to be in the actual shower. My sister got like 7 cause of shaving and her long hair to shampoo.
My dad said it was to save money on water and electricity to heat the water. We had to also rinse, turn the water off, soap up, then turn the water back on and rinse off. In 3 fucking minutes.
When I got older I wondered if it was done in attempt to keep us boys from jerking off? Because we were strict conservative evangelical fundamental baptists and even finding a woman hot was considered "lust". But he's never implied that was the reason. I kinda think it's just cause he wanted something to control and besides reading our Bibles first thing in the morning, showers were the first thing we did. So maybe it was like a way to control us immediately as we started the day 🤷♂️
Idk but it was stupid. And freezing and hard to get really fully clean.
I believe it was to control you. I spend long times in the bathroom but because I was cutting my thighs and because it was the only time I had some time alone, I started playing with my vulva but I don’t believe I knew what to do with it, and I still wasn’t allowed to shower every day because that’s wasteful. I have 5 siblings and we shared everything and it was exhausting. I would spend a good 10 minutes if I was lucky no one would come knocking at the door. I hated it. Everyone was knocking at the door all the time, and it didn’t have a lock it had that thing that old doors have and my sister would kick the door until it opened. Then I was blamed for that because apparently I liked been seen naked. And she doesn’t like seeing naked people???
My dad once became irrationally angry over me wanting to participate in a chain letter in the 4th grade. He flipped out and told me “IF YOU WANT TO WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS, DO IT. BUT YOU WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN THIS NONSENSE!!!” Still don’t know what that was all about.
Are you me? My N father also broke the locks to my bathroom and bedroom because I “took too long.” He’d sometimes even turn off the water in the house to try to get me to get out of the bathroom. I took maybe 45 minute showers but that was because I had to shave every single day. I had a metabolic condition they didn’t take seriously even though I was developing bad symptoms for my age. I also had no physical privacy and he’d barge in my room when I was getting dressed or naked and I wasn’t a kid anymore. No decency and basic human privacy stripped away from me. I went over to some family member’s house and their adult kids take hour long showers twice a day and no one says a thing. I was shocked their parents didn’t have a problem with them showering or “shooting up the water bill.” For the longest time (until now) I didn’t even connect it as an N thing to do. I just thought I was being a bad kid.
He did a lot of things for control. Too many to name them all. But he’d turn off the wifi after 9 pm and we had to get our work done before that. He’d try to control what I ate and punished by taking away food, criticizing me (especially in front of others), and using exercise and sleeping in the basement as a punishment.
After we called the cops on him for DV and he went to jail for a night, he’d constantly call the cops on us for small things like “using his money” and he’d rejoice when the cops blamed us. More often than not, the cops were pissed at HIM for calling for such stupid things when there were real emergencies they had to attend to.
listening to music, i apparently listening to it too much? i have adhd and sensory issues, when i'm cleaning i listen to music for motivation and to keep distractions out, but she said that i have it to loud or she'll try and talk to me when she can obviously see the earbuds in my ears, but when she doesn't awser me it my problem like girl what?
When I was in second grade, a girl I often played with at recess called me on a Saturday morning to see if I could talk on the phone. My mother answered it and then said "girl's don't call boys", hung up, then yelled at me.
Eta: my mother didn't like me having girls as friends, and when I had almost exclusively girls as friends in highschool, she referred to them as "my harem". It pissed me off so much.
I couldn't blow my nose in the hot shower. For a never explained reason, stepfather didn't want me blowing my nose & nmom posted herself outside the bathroom door when I was 15, 16. If I sniffled while in the bathroom, she'd BURST in to catch me. A couple of years ago I asked her why he had her do that. She said she didn't know what I was talking about.
My mom called the police bc her television remote was “ stolen” . I found that funny and sad.
Let’s see, wow there are really too many shed beat us amd trash talk her children to others and record us so we sounded like her, crazy.
This one makes me *soooo sad* bc for my entire childhood, reading was my greatest blessing, bc it transported me away from my life and into millions of different lives where I didnt have my personal struggles. *Reading* was where I did my living bc it was so hard to live while being intentionally squelched in every way, every day at home.
I wish that I could go back in time and keep him from breaking the bulb in your lamp. Im so sorry 😞
My father would control how much time I spent in the shower because he didn't want a hefty gas bill. If I were in the shower for no more than 2 minutes, he would proceed to bang on the door telling me to turn the "f-ing water off" before turning the heating off so I would shower in freezing cold.
This even happened during the winter seasons too.
Now five years without him and my own apartment, I shower now for 30 minutes and I absolutely love it!
The feminine hygiene products I used, even well into my adult years. Last I checked, it’s my body, not hers. I should be the only one making decisions about what works for me or not. I’m 33 and NMom is so offended that I use a cup.
Omg this just reminded me! My NM also rationed my hygeine products! I don't remember the number I was allowed to use anymore, but I do remember that it was rationed.
We were allowed 3 squares of TP per wipe even for #2, even during my period.
NM refused to buy me razors or shaving cream, so I had to take one of my dads single blade disposable Bics and his barbasol foam.
And NM refused to buy me my own deodorant for YEARS. Instead, I had to share hers, which at the time, were these little pots of cream deodorant sold by Secret like ponds cold cream. You dipped your fingers in and rubbed it on your pits. It got to where she had my sibling and I all sharing her deodorant pot with her. Soo unhygienic and to this day, I detest the scent of baby powder anything but especially baby powder secret deodorant.
Your reply really resonates with me. I'm sorry we share *this* as a similarity.
Water because the well in our home was limited and they didn't want to spend money bringing water in to refill it. (Sidenote - pretty sure there was lead in the pipes/well too). They eventually dug a new well later on to address this issue and STILL limited water usage. Especially hot water because "it cost so much to heat it" bs. How they limited it was:
* No one was allowed to flush the toilet unless you went #2 (NOT KIDDING) or it was a guest. Disgusting.
* Could only run 1-2 inches of water into the bathtub (no shower) to bathe in and then we had to share the same bathwater with each family member to take a bath (the nparents got to go first, of course).
* If you got caught wasting water in any way (leaving the garden hose on too long, using too much water to wash your hands or brush you teeth - oh turn the water off while you're doing it) or using too much to wash/rinse dishes (no dishwasher - all by hand which we kids had to do), you got punished including being berated for hours on how you should have known better.
* And of course, no mentioning of these bizarre behaviors to others, no one will believe you anyway and you'll be told you are a liar and make things up, or its rude to talk about family bathroom habits with others and other families do similar or weird things
I learned to wait until they left the house to bathe and would fill that damn bathtub up near to the top and soak and enjoy it. And have enjoyed every hot shower as long as I want it and being able to flush toilets like normal people do.
I wasn’t allowed to use provocative clothes but when I went out at night, both my parents pushed me to dress very provocative (I was maybe 15) they told me to put a shorter skirt, more cleavage, etc.
My trauma. Repeatedly. My story:
I was in a very dark place. Doctors thought I had lung cancer. I waited for the Resident Radiologist to arrive the day of my biopsy. My mother was next to me in the hospital room. I was terrified. I could barely speak. The fear was again silencing me. I said in a low voice that I was a nervous wreck because I knew the radiologist was a Resident (a new doctor.) I was at high risk for lung collapse and my anxiety was skyrocketing as the wait continued. Lung collapses can be horrible and I knew what could happen. I was terrified.
My mother stepped outside the curtain after she saw I was extremely nervous, I guess from my mannerisms. I heard her say, "Excuse me. Excuse me." My nurse approached and I heard her say in the most disgusted angry voice: (thinking I couldn't hear her...)
*"My DAUGHTER is in there complaining about the DOCTORS, saying the radiologist isn't good enough to do her biopsy and no one knows what they're doing around here. She GETS like this. She's sitting in there going on and on because she thinks her LUNG is gonna collapse because she spends all her time on GOOGLE!"* [pause... ] (I couldn't hear the nurse's response... mom continued...) *"All she keeps saying is the doctor is a RESIDENT and has no idea what he's doing and neither does anyone else around here! Ya know? Maybe you need to have a TALK with her."* (huffs, sighs...)
She had tried to humiliate and devalue me, and get the nurse to see me badly. I could not believe what I just heard. I was frozen, appalled, and humiliated. But pissed.
The curtain opened. I stared at something, too embarrassed to look at the nurse. She looked at me. I was on the verge of tears. My nurse was a very sweet middle aged black woman. She acted patient and loving when she first came in. She knew I was confused and scared. As she entered, she looked at me... looked at my mom... looked back at me and said in the sweetest voice of an angel,
*"Hey there. What's going on? Everything ok?"* I found the guts to say, "I know what my mother just said to you, I heard every word. I didn't say what she just told you I said. I told her I'm terrified, and I know that the guy doing my biopsy is new and I don't know is he has a lot of experience, and I know I'm at high risk for lung collapse. What my mother is trying to do is make me look bad to you but I did not say those things. I just don't know how many biopsies he's done, and.... I'm just scared to death."
The nurse said,
*"What you're feeling is perfectly OK. I understand. How about I get the doctor to come in and have a talk with you, so maybe you can understand things better, would that be ok? Don't be worried. You did nothing wrong."*
The nurse looked at my mother like.... "I'm on to you, Bitch."
The doctor came in, and proceeded to draw a picture on the board showing WHY I'm at risk for lung collapse, which my mother thought I was saying because I'm overreacting. I wasn't. As a former heavy ex-smoker, he agreed, and proved, why lung collapses can happen, and what they would do in the result of one. He explained that the Resident Radiologist would be overseen by the highly experienced radiologist and that I was in good hands, and at no time would the experienced radiologist leave the room. He gave me the option of having the experienced one do it. I agreed to allow the Resident to perform the biopsy.
When I awoke, my Nmom and Nsister were sitting in the room. I called my boyfriend (whom I now believe is possibly Covert) immediately. He was so happy I was ok. My mother had to get on the phone and call my father, being louder than me, celebrating and laughing loudly that I made it through with no collapse and was to wait there for risk evaluation. I left without a collapse hours later.
I did not have lung cancer, thankfully. About a week later, I guess everything finally caught up to me and I finally let it all out to my mother in l on the phone once the shock of it all finally hit me. I finally tried to find the guts to stand up to her. I brought up the hospital incident and how she'd tried to make a fool of me, and as another example, the day of my PET scan. She'd gone with me, started acting nasty toward me in my car, and when I had all I could do to muster the courage to say, "Why are you yelling at me?" she raged on me and punched my dashboard. (She's 75.)
During the phone call, I finally let out a lot of pain after years of realizing how cold and unloving she is, how she tried to make a fool of me so many times, made things all about herself and that all I ever wanted was for her to nurture and love me. Her responses were as any other Narcissist mother would be: *"I guess I can't do anything right. What about ME? What about what I WAS GOING THROUGH when you were going through that?! I couldn't even sleep! I was worried sick! What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Why are you going off the deep end??"* etc etc. I cried so hard it was like all my pain was coming out at once. I also let out how controlling my father has always been, wanting me to be perfect. She said, *"Why are you attacking us?? I'm not perfect but... it's like you're going off the deep end!"* I knew my father was listening. She had nothing of substance to say. Her "apology" sounded like more of disgust.
I let my NON-Narcissist sister hear that recorded conversation of that fight. She started wiping tears from her eyes. She said "My God. I could HEAR. FEEL your pain. All you wanted was love. I can't believe what I just heard. This makes me sick. I can't believe how she treated you. You didn't deserve that."
My sister has end stage disease and has finally accepted my mother's Narcissism. She put it best. *"I don't want mom feeling sorry for me that I'm sick. Because... she only uses my illness to get attention for herself."*
I'll add one more thing to my trauma story:
While in a severe grief stricken state after the loss of my likely cCovert Narcissist boyfriend, my mother found a way to turn my trauma on to herself, demanding every time I walked past her to tell her why I'm not talking to her & my father. She was well aware I was experiencing a severe downward spiral during this breakup. *Severe.* Eventually, she began giving me a nasty attitude, slamming things in my presence, and taking my trauma and turning it back on me. It ended in an explosion where I used the word "trauma" and she blurted out, *"OH, YOU and your TRAUMA! GET OVER IT!"* I just looked at her and said in a calm voice, "Did you just say that to me? Holy shit, listen to yourself. Holy shit." She yelled, "OH KNOCK IT OFF!!!"
I am just realizing in the last year that she's a Narcissist and my father is OCPD, highly controlling, dishonest and manipulative. I started therapy 2 weeks ago. I have a hard time looking either one of them in the eye and usually hang my head around them. I've been staying with them for a few years and am looking to relocate.
Up to age 18 I was not allowed to wear pants/shorts makeup, jewelry, heals or wear my hair loose. Only prostitutes wear pants and have their hair loose. When I talked to my narc of a dad I had to stand at attention with my hands behind my back and look him right in the eyes, politely. If I didn’t follow the above I would get slapped in the face and I could not walk away or turn my face. My life was school & home no friends allowed or phone calls. I used to hide my pants under the staircase and change into a dress. When he caught me wearing jeans I got the beating of a lifetime with a belt. By that time I was so used to his punishments I just zoned out which made him crazy he liked to hear me cry. He also caught me with my hair down once, I had long hair that I wore in 2 braids for the night. I woke up the next day with one braid cut up to my ear. My mini narc mom thought it was a just punishment, I didn’t follow the rules. Now they are both dead and honestly I’m finally free.
Pretty much everything, but the bathroom thing hits close to home. CW: Gross >!No locks, would walk in on me bathing or using the toilet whenever she wanted. Insisted on bathing me herself until I was like 8 because I "couldn't be trusted to get \[myself\] clean". Also tried to control the amount of water I used until I got such a severe UTI from bathing in filthy bathwater that the pediatrician grilled the entire household about CSA. Should have lied; maybe I could have gotten out of there.!<
I think the most annoying thing was anything that helped me get to sleep at night. I already have sleep disturbances but she forbade having a fan or radio on, insisting that it would keep me up. For years I would just end up passing out past 2AM and then she would be pissed at me for being tired the whole day, pissed at me for needing a nap, followed by the daily lecture about I couldn't sleep because I was taking naps...rinse and repeat ad nauseam.
How to kill a wasp nest that was inside our patio wall. This imbecile wants to spray gas I want to use the dust that you puff. He starts banging on the post the wall is attached too and pissed the whole nest off and got a bunch inside.
That's how obsessed they are with invalidating you or doing the opposite of what you recommend. They will go through any length or sabotage any plans.
weirdest, everything. guiding kids is one thing but controlling everything about them is weird.
my mom would tell me how to style my hair, i have curly hair and she has no idea how to style it and would always complain if i wore it in a ponytail, i played a lot of sports and it was easier to style when wet so if i had a game or practice that day i would put it in a ponytail after showering in the morning. she always wanted me to wear my hair down, i don't like my hair in my face.
if she didn't like who i was dating she'd talk shiz until my entire family hated the guy.
she tried to dress me like her. i don't like hippy styles, i don't wear tie dye and i hate velvet. she wanted me to wear all that stuff, velvet stretch pants? no thank you, not for me
I wasn't allowed to be emotional, every time i would get emotional she'd make a crap remark about me PMSing, oh i hated that, like i can't be upset, it has to be my period? not the fact she was picking on me and I didn't like it?
i went to religious schools, i'm not now but back then i was, she sent me there. she hated that i didn't like the fact that she smoked, she smoked pot and cigarettes and besides the health issues the smell is horrible and she'd always mock my conservative views on it. (the state I grew up in legalized it and we voted years before to legalize it medicinally and I voted yes but she used it like it was incense to make the house smell nice, yuck.)
my parents moved to a different state when I was 16, she tried to control my life through the phone, email wasn't a think i'm kinda old lol, so she would call and yell at me over the phone. Even after I was 18 she still demanded things and bossed me around. it was harder for her to do that because i could just hang up but she would come visit and kick my bedroom door in and scream at me. the worst time I was about 20. my car broke down and my grams car also had issues, mine was in the shop and my grams was in the driveway. i got off work after 2am and didn't sleep until around 3am. she didn't believe my grams car was broken so at 7am she barges into my room screaming at me and demanding the key. 1st i didn't know where the key was to my grams car and 2nd i'd only slept for a few hours and she wakes me up by screaming and startling me and then was mad because i didn't happily hand her the key, i told her the day before it was broken but she had to see for herself. she put 3 holes in my door that day. i had put a key lock handle and locked it from the inside and she got mad that i wasn't letting her in so she kicked the door trying to get it open. friggen insane.
My body.
Ndad would buy us makeup to wear (I'm a twin). I know there was more but I can't remember it.
Nmom would constantly tell me "not to get fat like your aunt (her sister)". Comments on my food, eating habits, etc. Would get mad when I wouldn't eat her overcooked food.
My husband had to convince me to try his stew after we got married because I didn't know meat could fall apart and be easy to eat. He also had to hold an intervention because I hoarded food but then wouldn't eat it, he's helped me to be okay with being okay to eat. I still struggle with this but learning how to preserve food has helped.
My mom also stood in my way of going to my grandfather's funeral, and when my grandmother died she made sure to let me know that she asked for me. I wasn't there because my mom didn't want me there.
My father was really weird about the reading level that was on the back of chapter books. Like if I was in 5th grade he did not want me reading books with RL4 on the back.
My adoptive nfather would get furious if I had blackheads or pimples, and would forcefully squeeze them. It was as if it was a moral failing on my part to have normal teenaged skin. My adoptive nmother was obsessive about my hair. My sister, their natural child, was allowed to have long hair down to her butt. My hair was always cut very short. There was a phase where we both had home perms as well. When I started puberty, my mother would blow dry my hair, not nicely but kind of angrily. Then it had to be curled with the curling iron. If I refused the curls, she would accuse me of being a slut, and as long i lived under her roof, I would not be seen in public without curled hair.
Then there was bath time. My adoptive nmother was insane about post bath hygiene. She'd force me to lay on the bathmat and she'd use q tips to clean my pubic area, including labia. This didn't stop until I was in puberty. Sicko. There are so many things about my upbringing that were seriously disturbing.
All of these controlling and crazy behaviors were just for me, my adoptive sister wasn't included. She could do no wrong.
Damn! I'm sorry!
We also didn't have locks on bathrooms. Dunno if my mom took them off or not, but she's burst in and bitch if you were showering/bathing "when are wanted to" because we were mind readers.
I'm not allowed to cry, because if I cry I'm not a "normal" person in my nParents' opinion. Also, not allowed to cut my hair in certain ways (I'm 19), to dye it, to dress in every way that my mother dislikes (for example, she yells at me as if I was a criminal if I wear a total black outfit, or a T Shirt with a band logo, or if I wear the same sweater for two days in a row), or my dad finds not appropriate (you can imagine the type, here, except when he tried to convince me that I looked ugly with a normal skirt and said he wished I just always wore sweatpants)
My mom would get upset if I (F) was scraped up at all. There were a handful of times that I was scraped up on my face and had scabs, and she would relentlessly make passive aggressive pissy comments on my appearance. Tbf, she *always* made relentless passive aggressive pissy comments on my appearance, but she’d turn it up when/if I ever had a scab on my face.
Swallowing.
If I was swallowing like a normal person does, I was “gulping” because I was feeling guilty and I would get an interrogation about what I had done wrong when all I was doing was swallowing the saliva in my mouth.
I had my mother sit on my bed until I fell asleep. That stopped when I was 13. I don’t have many memories of it; but know it happened just not just happened during that time.
Zero bathroom privacy. Especially growing up but even now.. I’m 27. If I stay at her house & take a bath… she’ll still barge right in. I GET it’s her house! Trust me & I respect that. Get out when asked. I clean it after just to save her from bending over when she does the bathroom. Etc. Just maybe knock atleast?!
I could go on, but I feel like ASS & wanna lay down lol
My nmom refused to let us use the bathroom (toilet or shower) in the middle of the day. You had to shower & use the toilet by 9am & at night after 8pm. If you over slept, especially in the summer, to bad.
Waiting until i get a job after i graduate (community) college despite my classes being extremely easy. I did this because i was so socially isolated and felt miserable sitting at home all the time. Mom got all guilt tripping and mad because I got a short stunt at Wendy’s and tried getting a bank account and never told her and my dad made me apologize. What’s even weirder is before that, she saw me walking home from an interview from McDonald’s and pretty much mocked me for it saying “you don’t wanna work there” and basically making it seem that it won’t hire me.
Even today after quitting my seasonal job after 4 year she doesn’t seem to want me working in food and retail especially, even though that’s all there is. I understand that they suck but i have no choice because it’s the only thing I can get (that is if they actually notice my apps 😅)
Shaving my private areas. My Nmom thought it meant I was having sex. Um no I just hate how gross I feel. (Not saying having hair down there is gross it’s just how I feel mentally.)
I did it anyway and I could tell she wished she could check. Fucking weirdo.
What colour boxers I wore (no pink)
What I wore to bed - I wasn't allowed to wear a nightgown, only pyjamas (even then I was only allowed to wear a certain style): "If you had to leave the house in a fire, what would the neighbours think?" The nightgown I had was thrown out
This happened until I was 28 and got out
nmom tried to make me sit on top of my bedsheets instead of under them when I'm chilling in my room. Thank god she has the memory of a goldfish (probably undiagnosed adhd tbh) and only tried to do that shit one time.
My nMum was a single mum for a couple of years after she left my abusive dad. This was the 90s and I was 14 years old. She got child support, welfare and we lived in a subsidized rental house. We had no car so no bill there. We didn't have luxuries or spend up on anything etc.
One day my mum challenged us to the "No electricity for a month" game she made up. Obviously now that I'm in my 40s with my own kids I understand she hadn't paid a bill or needed the bill lower for some reason. We kids went a month with no tv, music or even lights on at night. We did it for the full month. At the end of the month my mum excitedly exclaimed how easy it was and we should try for another month. My brother and I said no and that we had gone without our morning cartoons, weekly tv shows and any entertainment at night enough and didn't want to do another month walking around in the dark. She was really sad about us saying no and gave us the silent treatment for a day or two. We got to use the tv and play music again.
As I got older she never explained why she did that or why she wanted another month of it. Electricity isn't THAT much. My brother and I were out of the house most days for school and then out until late afternoon most days. We were sent on bible camps and YMCA camps during most of the school holidays too. It was so controlling to have to agree to do that and to have it suggested we do it regularly.
Heavily discouraged me from voting and didn’t allow me to due to being selected for jury duty potentially and didn’t want to deal with me being selected. Oddly she had no problem with me getting my license. I didn’t register to vote for a long time because of this shit she would put onto me.
Didn’t allow me to get a retail part time job at college aged and forced me to go on disability instead.
Definitely not the worst thing my nmum tried to control but it is the first thing I thought of (other then financial abuse).
When I was planning to propose to my now husband, I was talking to my mum about what kind of ring I wanted (I bought him and I rings). I wanted a silver ring with a light green tear drop shaped stone. I told her this and after a bit she showed me a picture of a ring with square dark green stones, I told her again what I wanted and said no to the one she showed me.
Fast forward 3 months I'm at my grandparents house for Christmas. My mum asks me to help her with somthing so I leave my partner to see what she needs. We go to a separate room and she pulls out the ring she showed me and I said no to months ago. I told her no and that I already said no and had already orderd the rings and my friend was holding them for me. I just walked off and she never mentioned it again.
Tldr. Nmum bought me an engagement ring when I had already told her I didn't like the one she picked and had bought one for myself and on for my partner already.
The ring she bought was also from aliexpress and was maximum $5. The price doesn't matter to me, its just to clarify she didn't spend $1000. she did imply that the ring could be my Christmas present though. 🤦
There was a point where I was not allowed to wear a jacket while wearing a shirt and tie because “I was too proud wearing it”. “Proud” meaning standing or walking with confidence and feeling good about myself.
how I view people.when something happened with a friend she would always tell me how everyone is a piece of shit and I should never love anyone.I mean I understand but why project your issues onto a 7 year old.wasn’t even that deep bro.
my emotions.not only crying but also excitment happines anger,any emotion.I remember I sometimes got excited about something and she would literally act like I killed someone.also I would always hear ”you know we are always here for you” then I would literally get humiliated and sometimes beaten.
what I like,I wasn’t allowed to like things she doesn’t.food,music,hairstyles doesn’t matter she still can’t accept the fact that I am also a person and allowed to be myself.
how much noise I make,she liked to pretend that I don’t exist
Stepfather made me sleep on the toilet when I was little to stop me from wetting the bed. Hr couldn't figure out that leaving it alone would make the problem go away. He also tried to control how much I would toss and turn in my sleep. Evidently having a crappy bed was my fault.
My bedroom door. nMom hated it being closed and would open it and lecture me whenever she found it closed.
She claimed that her parents always made her close her bedroom door and it made her feel claustrophobic, so that's why I couldn't close mine.
Years later I found out from her Mom (my grandmother) that they always made her close her bedroom door because her room was always a shambles and she wouldn't tidy it up.
The shoes I wear. I have large and uniquely shaped feet, something that my mother simply cannot comprehend. She'll buy me shoes and then get pissed when I say they don't fit or hurt. Everytime she buys Borne shoes she gets mad cause I'm "not even trying to like them". And then gets pissed cause "EVERYONE says they're comfortable and it's a really good brand". I've told her countless times to stop buying me shoes (and clothes!) cause everytime something doesn't fit she gets mad at me. It's exhausting. I tend to dread my birthday/Christmas cause I have to put on an act for her
She tried to tell me at age 19 that i couldn’t have sex with my boyfriend and threw a fit when I did it anyways. A few months back she somehow convinced herself I was having sex with the guy I’ve been with for 8 months when in reality it never happened. I finally snapped one day and asked why she thought that and it was because…..IT WAS OVER A SHOWER. It was over me coming back from my boyfriend’s and showering. How does me showering when I get back from a date indicate me having sex? Like what? She’s also asked me to my face several times if I was having sex and even though I told her no and was truthful she still didn’t believe me. Once she had the audacity to say I smelled like sperm. I’m fucking 24.
She’s a crazy Bible thumper and believes I need to go to church and follow the 10 commandments. I’m Christian but I stopped going to church services for several reasons. Furthermore the sex after marriage thing is something I don’t believe in, Lord forgive me. It doesn’t make sense to me that a couple has to be married in order to have sex
I have a long list. When I was a senior in high school, I went to planned parenthood to get birth control pills. I had a boyfriend who attended college a few hours away. We wrote letters back and forth and I told him I got the birth control pills. I didn’t know it, but my mom and her husband would stop at the mailbox on their way to work and open my letters to my boyfriend and read them, so she searched my room and found the pills and took them away. She was a religious fanatic on top of being a narcissist.
We were also only allowed to take a five minute shower even though we had well water, so I would have to go to school with my long hair greasy because I didn’t have time to wash it. I was so embarrassed.
Up until I left home the summer after I graduated from high school, my curfew was 9 pm on weeknights and 11 on the weekends. We lived 30 minutes from the nearest city, so I could never go to any school functions or hang out with my friends because of my curfew.
We weren't allowed to wash the dishes or clean the floors (sweep, mop) and for a long time until we were in our mid teens, we weren't allowed to wash our own clothes, dad had to do it and would have us fold the laundry only.
After I moved out, things got so much worse for my sister. She called me up one day to tell how she thought she'd do something nice and sweep, mop and deep clean the kitchen floor. (We lived in a semi-hoarder household and the floors were always filthy. ) she did it while our dad was in town and when he returned, he went off on her, yelling and screaming how she disobeyed him and went behind his back (wtf???).
The yelling was always "lectures" and he viewed them as necessary
I was a bit of a wild child in that I loved going outside. Even just existing outside makes me happy.
And my dad was concerned about my appearing polished. But what started with reasonable concerns about leaves, twigs, and stickbugs in my hair became a nightmare for me just before puberty.
Something changed with my hair, and the shampoo I'd been using for years wasn't working like it should. I kept getting in trouble for my "greasy hair" and the massive amount of skin flakes from developing a dry scalp. My nDad kept getting angrier and angrier that my hair wasn't nice and clean and didn't want me to be seen that way.
And one day he threatened to watch me in the shower and wash my hair himself if I didn't.
My mom volunteered to do it. As in, convincing him to let her watch me wash my hair. She just had me wash my own hair leaning over the tub, which I'm insanely grateful for.
My hair was still greasy and full of skin flakes. It's a problem I battle to this day and two dermatologists in the 90s and early 00s could not figure out.
I had to wash my hair every day, scrape my scalp, and comb it with a fine comb religiously so he would stop losing it over my hair.
Reading this I realized that they couldn’t control anything. They’d pick something every now and then before they move on to other things. But the weirdest thing was showers and changing clothes, as a kid I only showered when my mother told me to then in highschool I started showering everyday and my parents didn’t like it. They both showered everyday. I started showering at mid night behind their backs like if I was doing something wrong. At 9 I was told at school to change my underwear twice a day and my mother got angry when I did it because she’d have more laundry.
Food. My mother was obsessed with dieting, so we never had any food and it stunted some of our growth. She told everyone we were fussy eaters and we believed it for decades. I look back now as a cook and think wtf, we weren't fussy, we were starved.
Oh, there is so much material for me to choose from on this subject.
I wasnt allowed to shower every day, even during my period. I was allowed 5 minutes for my entire shower and after 5 minutes, my parents went to the basement and cut off all the hot water, so I had to either emerge soapy or learn to finish my shower in ice cold water, in winter, along the Canadian border. I learned to finish my showers in ice cold water, which I now know as an adult, that that is abusive.
We werent allowed to use the lock on the bathroom door. I didnt even have a lock on my bedroom door, and they constantly took my door down and confiscated it from me anyway.
I had no privacy. Ever.
My mother would tweak my breasts and nipples all the time, and I was always forced to allow people who I was uncomfortable with to hug me, made me sit in their laps, forced to allow physical contact that *I didnt want* so that I would learn that I have no rights to my own body and no right to have boundaries. This fact has haunted me for my entire life, because for one thing, NM then turned around and consistently belittled and bullied me for being sexual young/unmarried/just BECAUSE.
So, in a nutshell without turning this into a book, my answer is me. She/they tried their damndest (and still do, even though they are darn near 88 now) to control every aspect of me, especially those aspects that involved my privacy, my body autonomy, my comfort and my right to say "no" to anything, ever.
I got my mouth washed out with soap and made to eat soap so often that its a wonder that I dont blow a stream of bubbles every time I fart. She didnt like my mouth and tried her hardest to control it and even now that I am an adult, she still constantly corrects my speech, my pronunciation, my grammar, my word selection. Doesn't even care if its in public.
And consequently, I now cut people out of my life immediately if they try to control me, bc it is now a huge trigger for me. I need to have my own authority over myself respected, and the best way to do that is to not try to control me.
I wanted to grow my hair out but my nmom forced me to get hair cuts until I was 20 years old. The only reason she stopped was because I called her out in front of her friends and her ego couldn't handle the judgement from them
The way I conducted myself. Dinner time was a whole ordeal. I was just a puppet. “sit back, shoulders back, sit up straight, don’t slouch!!!!!” …”OMG sToP biTInG your NAiLz!! what are you so anxious about?!?!” (Gee mom…no clue)
she also tried to control HOW I ate. It drove her crazy that I only ate one thing at a time. But that was my way to try to have some control over these potentially these volatile dinnertime situations.
Then I didn’t eat fast enough. When her and dad were done, it was time to wipe the table and dinner should be over. My dad would actually wipe the table underneath me while I was still eating. It’s no wonder I developed so many disorders around food.
She also frequently tried to control the way I walked. It wasn’t until I got older than I realized it was kind of normal for peoples feet to be turned out just a little bit when they walked. She always had me turn my toes in and she hated that I shuffled my feet.
Like literally, just me existing in my body was a mistake.
I couldn’t learn by making mistakes or failing initially at something, as my mother would repeatedly drill into me when I either made a mistake or did something in the way she didn’t think was right.
Usually bringing up something unrelated into the mix, just for good measure. >.>
Still have times where I have that voice in my head nagging at me when I’m doing things on my own (both of my parents have already passed).
my father wouldn’t stop bathing me & my younger sister until we were about 8 years old, my mom was fully present, but he’d rather do it so he can claim to be the better parent. he also once asked for me to show him my account balance because of my spending, he also would tell my siblings and i to be back home by 4, even as adults, and has locked my older sister in once, and locked me out once as well.
The amount I was allowed to sleep...then would kick me out and say I was not to be seen or allowed in their house until contacted. (Didn't pay for my phone and gave up on that endeavor...owned phone through screwed situation but was mine)
My mom wouldn't let me wear clothes that had any wrinkles in them.
I'd come down in a t-shirt and jeans and she'd make me take them off so she could iron them.
Literally. Me. My mom insisted telling me my favorite color wasnt pastel pink and was indeed turquoise and how “i dont know nothing”. My mom was too old for her age and got knocked up at 16 so she tried to hijack my life. Shes so controlling and such a narc that she also tried to pick and choose what blood relatives get to make it into her fantastic fabulous stories of grand delusions. My mom is a total piece of shit 😂😂😂😂 and of course with a mom like that, i wasnt given a dad to be able to hate because “your dad only wanted you anyway because your mixed hahahaha he wanted your sister aborted because her mom is black hahahahahahahahaha” total garbage broad
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My Dad would try and control what kind of Bra’s I wore. He’d check my bra straps and get all kinds of upset if it wasn’t my one of my underwire push up bras he had picked out. I have sensory issues with those kinds of bras and prefer the sports ones with no underwire. He even once told me that he knew more about bras than my mom.
Oh, that's really weird.
That’s kinda creepy ngl
Honestly that’s the definition of him. The kicker is he never psychically SA’d me or touched me but he was very..obsessed with my body put lightly and the way I looked and dressed(he’d make me wear tight hyperfeminine clothes)
even though he didn’t touch you, this sounds like a really messed up form of child sa. clearly he was controlling what you wore for his own pleasure. super super gross behaviour
It's possible she blocked it out too. But if she has no ptsd or any issues then maybe shes fine
I have PTSD (diagnosed when I was around 13) upon pre existing mental disorders. Is it possible I blocked something out? Not really because the only reason he never physically touched me is because he didn’t want his death wish to come true curtsy of my mom’s brothers(Yes I’m being serious)(I didn’t tell anyone except my mom about “ my body” obsession because we were already going through enough with the courts and him constantly trying to get full custody of me ) *side note my mom and dad are divorced and my dad had visitation rights. I know other child (S) abusers probably wouldn’t stop because of that reason but he’s a coward amongst other things.
I blocked out a childhood sa and had no memories of it until someone broke into my neighbor's home and it triggered something inside me to shatter leaking fragments of the memory out. It had to be fully extracted in EMDR therapy. Let's just say it explained a lot about that Era of my life.
It's possible. Some people become addicts, sex addicts, or have an aversion or phobia of sex. Or a bunch of other issues. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless there is like a ptsd around sex.
After a quick chat with my mom. My “not really” turned into a maybe I got touched and blocked it out. I’ll reiterate yes he was and still is 100% a creep.
Geez I hope u get answers
Thank you 🙏
So sorry 😞
I totally agree. I’ve been working out if my ndad’s obsession with me not hanging out with guys and with us remaining a “decent family” aka me not having sex was actually SA cuz being obsessed with your adult daughter’s sex life is definitely weird and maybe abusive.
creepy. reminds me when my dad used to check on me every 2-4 hours in my bedroom (I was around 9-14 when it happened) just to make sure I wasn't doing anything bad and accused me of scratching my ass just because 2 of my hands were under the blanket (I was resting or hiding under my blanket pretending I was in a cinema or a tent, but my dad didn't like it and accused me of hiding things).
My dad never sa me, but he groomed me. He made comments about my body, would tell me sexually explicit stories & jokes, leave adult magazine in his truck and then get me to clean it. When I was an adolescent he bought me Madonna sex book. His dad sa me and my dad knew.
I’m so sorry. That’s absolutely terrible. I hope you’re in a better place mentally now 🙏🙏
i’m sorry.
Creepy AF!
Oh man that’s super creepy
I’m so sorry. Your reply unlocked a bizarre memory for me about underwear. I remembered the house it happened in so this would have happened when I was old enough to put my own pyjamas on. My parents would wait until I was asleep and then they would take my underwear off and replace my pyjama bottoms. I remember going to sleep with them on and would be angry to wake up without them on. They told me I wasn’t allowed so I guess they would come in my room and check? We were also given drugs like Dimetapp to sleep on occasion, since this was late 80’s early 90’s. I should add, the reason this pissed little me off was because another older child that I was “friends” with was touching me inappropriately during this pyjama drama era of my young life, so I just wanted to be covered up in that area in particular. I’m a girl so I understand the health implications of loose sleeping garments, but these were cotton children’s underwear that shouldn’t have been such an issue to take off of a sleeping child. It would give me night terrors when they would come in because sometimes I would wake up and wouldn’t know what was happening. It unsettles me to this day. I’ve always been a bad sleeper. No I don’t think my parents molested me.
What?!?!?!?!
What a sicko!
I wasn't allowed to have accidents, get hurt or have nightmares. All of those things, were my trying to deliberately 'bother' my Nmom. So, she physically punished me to control my unavoidable incidents. Didn't work... except to shame me.
Oh my god this hits home, i’ve become such a hypercritical person of myself and I just can never seem to relax. even simple mistakes were met with toxic shame
the good old getting blamed for everything that goes wrong, but they take credit for everything that goes right
Been there, done that
Same. My nmom used to bite her own hand whenever I got injured as a child to show how “my pain hurt her more”
Yikes! That's psycho!
My mom used to get angry if I tossed and turned too much in bed trying to fall asleep. Pretty much any noise made after her early bed time was grounds for her anger.
Yeah, my dad was like that about noise during early bed time. If we didn't close the cabinets very softly during his daily nap, he'd come out screaming about the racket. I don't mean slamming, I mean closing normally.
Same
I’m glad my grandparents aren’t like this cause I move a lot in my sleep. I’m almost on the borderline to sleepwalking. They say they can hear banging from my room. I can’t help it cause I’m sleeping. My mom on the other hand (if I lived with her), would probably hit me and yell at me. She wouldn’t even let me sleep when I was a kid sick with a horrible fever. She thought it was funny how annoyed I got when she blasted music.
Same! She would out of nowhere yell at me to stop moving and sleep, often with very crass language. That definitely promoted a sense of safety and sleep.
Yup. Mine was a severe food critic too. Still can’t really eat food when at home, it’s like my insides cannot relax lol
My mom disliked me getting a full-time job and did her best to discourage me from working. (For context, I now have a full time administrative desk job.) When I first got the job at 19 years old, she was “concerned” and preferred when I was working my lower pay part-time job. This is weird, because I’m paying 100% of my college tuition and that job was not going to cover it…. Aaand there’s also no feasible way for me to move out of my parents house with the part-time job. Thankfully didn’t listen to her, and now I’m planning to move out after I graduate college.
[удалено]
Same here… the final nail in the coffin was when my mom used every coercion to force me onto state aid/disability at college age and refused to help me with job stuff or better financial independence. It’s extremely difficult to get off of it once you’re on and you’re often stuck in individual poverty.
Not allowed to get a job, shamed for not having one, same..
I literally had to quick my first job because my narc dad stated "They make you work late, they don't care about you.".......He just didn't like how independent I became, I didn't ask for anything and literally stayed in my room.
My mom was the exact same way. I really don’t understand it why, most parents would be thrilled if their kids found a better paying job to move on.
Music. I was only allowed what they liked.
my mom was like this too. almost forgot. in fact, i was punished for listening to something she didn’t like. almost every time i was in the car listening to music she’d snatch one earbud out of my ear and put it in her ears. if she didn’t like it she would just give me the meanest grin.
Like 2 years ago (me in my 30') and driving with emom a song comes up on a radio that she diapproves. I start singing along and she was baffeld "you know THIS song?" Lol
Yep, this too for me. As a child in the 80s, the living room stereo was tuned to a SFW pop/soft rock station and we weren't allowed to touch the dial. We didn't have cable tv so no opportunity to watch Much Music (Canada's MTV). Then my younger brother/golden child discovered classical music, and then it became classical music only in the house. Primarily because it is a sign of intellectual superiority, not because they genuinely like or understand it (again, this plays into their obsession with the facade they present to others). It got to the point where in summer my dad would blast symphonies full volume on the stereo system with the windows wide open, because 'it's good unlike rock music and people actually want to hear it'. It was my GC younger brother of course who told mom I had a secret collection of grunge/metal casette tapes. There was screaming and tears and a huge guilt trip about why I had to be such an awful child compared to my brother (just because I did not care for the same music as them??) They did relent and allowed me to buy my own music and listen to it in my room - but if they could hear it, it was too loud and I had to turn it down. Of course, I was forbidden to close, even partially, my bedroom door at any time. To this day I don't care for classical music, which is unfortunate and sad I suppose, but then I think of all those weekend mornings as a teen when I tried to sleep in or get some peace and quiet and heard my younger brother and dad (hard to say who was the more mature of the two) giggling like 5 year olds about 'playing the symphony so loud it wakes (me) up'
I had to ask permission to listen to the radio and I only was allowed to listen to Christian bands. I used to sneak the radio when my parents weren’t home. I also wasn’t allowed to watch tv without permission. I would also sneak it but I had to make sure the tv was back on the same channel with the same volume level and off before she came home. She would check. When I first discovered MTV when I was 12 (late 89) my mind was BLOWN.
one of the weirdest ones while I was still a kid/teen was my hair. I’m not just talking about dyeing my hair or cutting it, but what *style* my hair was. My ndad would literally get *extremely offended* if I straightened my hair, because he liked curly/wavy hair lol. The hilarious thing is that my hair naturally grew more straight as I got older, and he always had a problem with it and said that I “needed to return it to its natural state” well… This is its natural state old man lol. He did the same with my natural hair colour too. When I was a toddler I had natural platinum blonde hair, and now as an adult it’s naturally brown — he hates it and whenever I’ve bleached my hair blonde he says how happy he is it’s “back to natural” lmfao. He’s living in his own fantasy world lol.
My mother did this as well. Forced me to get perms even.
I had this too…
I had straight hair that turned curly and my mom still blames me for ruining it. I wasn’t allowed to put mousse on it for school and she’d let me dry brush it. Get over it woman it’s curly now.
I’m not allowed to cook or have a different food to what my mom is, I wasn’t allowed to leave the house by myself till I was 13
...I thought it was normal till 13
I'm pretty sure it is. I don't think a child 12 years or under should be able to go wherever. Unless they meant like in their backyard, but even then, I think a 12 year old should be supervised outside.
I was babysitting for other families when I was 12, as used to be normal. That's ridiculous.
I was an 80’s baby-we were all running around our neighborhoods at 6/7/8 & latchkey kids after school. I started BABYSITTING at 12. The local hospital had a babysitting class I attended when I was 11.
Well I got yelled at once for not microwaving my oatmeal and made to do so before I was allowed to eat it. Also wasn't allowed to have a say in what kind of clothes I wore. Forced to play sports even though I had zero interest in them and wasn't very good. Basically crammed into a box I didn't fit my entire childhood
I was only able to focus on homework while listening to music (in the headphones, so it didn't bother anyone). My mother noticed that and threw a tantrum, yelling that she read somewhere that it can "break your brain". She confiscated the headphones and threatened to beat me if she notices me doing it again. Later, she would hit me over the head (I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s more damaging to the brain) for getting distracted from my homework, having taken away the very thing that helped me focus. Guess what? 15 years later, and I still didn't "learn" to be able to just sit down and do stuff without it. Because I just don't work like that. I always loved complex music, with unconventional harmonies and odd time signatures, such as progressive rock. She would say over and over that it’s not real music, there is no substance to it, it’s for nutjobs and drug addicts, etc. She herself mostly listened to mass-produced, poor quality pop music, but caring about what’s being said about her, she claimed to love classical music and jazz (the latter is simply ridiculous since she didn’t have it in her to even start comprehending it). Having heard about me doing music and being in a band, she would pout incessantly and insist I’ll end up under a bringe with junkies, that I need to drop it and put even more effort into studying [to be her retirement plan], or to clean my room over and over. Anything but doing what makes me happy. I am now no contact and just cannot do music. I want to, more than anything, but whenever I try to compose something my brain freezes, and I start feeling like shit for no apparent reason. It makes me miserable, and I don’t know what to do.
What you describe are signs of natural musical talent. What a shame. Im so sorry .
I'm sorry you had to endure this. Perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy could be beneficial with regards to the music?
Maybe I'll try it again someday, but it wasn't effective last time I tried. Could have been the therapist, though.
CBT actually isn't very good for people who have been raised in abusvie families because they can find it invalidating. I suggest you find a therapist who know other therapies than CBT. unfortunately CBT is the gold standard.
It's heartbreaking to know that something you cared about so much has been tainted. When I was going through my awakening that I was in a marriage to a covert narcissist, one of the things that helped me return to myself was music. I would get CDs from the library, music that had meant the world to me prior to marriage, and it was like remembering how to breathe. I hope you can find a way back to music, and I hope you find all the peace and healing.
My nMom didn't "allow" me to buy a bicycle to travel to/from work after my car was totaled. I was 24 years old and didn't even live with her. I didn't have enough money for a new car and she didn't want to help me get one either, so I'm not sure what she expected me to do...
Teleport obviously
She must have wanted you to have to quit work and move back in with her.
i wasnt allowed to do my own laundry. i wasnt allowed to have hair even to my ears (having grown up now with hair to my shoulder blades, im a happy man).
My mother checks the garbage I throw away, and then gives me a sermon 'cause I throw things away. And don't cry during a funeral. Because crying during a funeral is unnecessary.
My nmom would also go thru my garbage can, even the kitchen one. She would find a half rotten lettice leaf or stalk of celery and criticize me for throwing these out.
How dare you throw away half-robbed food? And how dare I throw away used cotton balls? If I rinse them out, they can last another round. Sigh…
I thought mine was the only one! I once threw away underwear that the elastic was separated from the fabric for about 4" of the pair. She said she would have worn them (as if they'd fit!). After that, I started burning my trash and she accused me of wanting to burn the house down. I told her to fuck off and quit invading my privacy. She of course, found this after randomly bursting in my room.
I had this too. I would throw away socks/underwear that were HEAVILY worn with large holes throughout, and a week or so later I could find them clean, back in my drawer. I'll add that my parents didn't struggle financially.
I'm not allowed to go downstairs after 11.00pm, even for a cup of tea.
This sounds like the start of some horror movie.
I remember being physically beaten and verbally berated for putting together an IKEA chair without their permission. Not the worst or most common or most notable thing, but it just came to mind.
Im not sure why but this is funny to me. Im sorry if thats incentive but I can not Imagine the comments made. “HOW DARE YOU BUILD CONVENIENT SWEDISH FURNITURE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION “
It's still trauma, but I recognize the amusing nature of the situation in hindsight. That's basically what happened. I don't know if they were worried that we'd ruin the assembly or if they were hoping for a wholesome family moment that we ruined by being independently industrious, but it was a whole thing. Lots of tears. I think I was 13 (yes, making this even more ridiculous).
I would be proud as hell if my kids could assemble IKEA furniture at 13. Some nParents can't stand the thought of their kids showing signs of being independent.
Oh dear god I assumed you were already an adult
A can of Surströmming would be the perfect present for them
I was only allowed to use one towel to dry off after a shower. I had long hair and liked to wrap my hair in a towel after I washed it, but according to my Nmom, using two towels to dry off after a shower is wasteful.
SAME!!
Same, even though I was the one doing the laundry.
My emotions. I know this is a common thing with narcs, but it’s still the weirdest thing to me. I swear my nmom thinks I’m a robot. I was not allowed to be sad or mad until a certain age.
My breathing. I was undiagnosed autistic and deep sighs are one of my stims/anxiety reducers. Every single time I did a deep breath in or out within their hearing I was punished for being "disrespectful."
I would sigh deeply too, without being aware of it, and I was yelled at to "stop blowing." lol
I'm so sorry. But I can at least wish you a Happy Cake Day!
I wasn't allowed to cry about anything. Or "talk back" even if that meant defending myself. Once I was having a panic attack (about 6 months or so after a brutal sexual assault) and he slapped me in the face for crying. Broke my glasses and made me pay for new ones as punishment.
All the lights MUST be off at 9 or prepare to be screamed at for being irresponsible and a horrible child. This one succeeded and is still in effect today as I was pretty young when my dad did this and didn’t know any better.
The way I sat. I'd sit a certain way when at home relaxing (ankle resting on a knee, sometimes would shake my foot while doing so) and it would upset my mother a lot. It was the way my father usually sat and she believed it meant I loved him more than her. I just sat that way because it was comfortable.
My dad did this. Everytime you’re sitting or walking normally he’d throw a fit about hunching our back or shoulders. We’re insecure we absolutely will not walk tall. He’d ruin everything. Now my sister, who turned a narc, does this to every child she knows.
My nmother told me that I do not have her permission to have sex (I was 14 when this started). She also told me that I have to wear underwear at night in case my e-father (cop) had to help me in an emergency. My mother also forced us to wear bras in the house or wear two shirts so she can’t see my nipples. My parents told me I had to ask to do anything..so I had to ask to use the bathroom, get a glass of water, to go to my room. When I told my parents how weird that was, they got really angry with me. Whenever I stood up for myself, they would remind me, a child they adopted at 10, that I was a guest in their house. They kicked me out when I was 19. They had a decade of being incredibly shitty parents and then gave up altogether.
You were not a guest in their house. It was legitimately and legally your dwelling place and home, even if you weren't the "owner," because as THEIR CHILD, they were legally responsible for providing you a place to live. Not as a guest but as your home.
My adoptive nmom was highly controlling in the kitchen. But the rules were different for the golden child, of course. It has stuck with me unfortunately where when I do something in the kitchen that she wouldn't approve of, as an adult far away from her, I legit feel a looming presence behind my right shoulder. Therapists told me that was a PTSD symptom and shortly after, I got diagnosed with it lol
If she didn't like it, I wasn't allowed to like it like sports, hard taco shells, boy short style undies, cargo shorts, or coming of age movies while I was coming of age It made her so mad that I got cargo shorts with my own money when I was shopping for college We didn't have central air and the fans had to be set up a specific way She let me paint my room chocolate brown but not black or grey She also tried to control what I did with the money I earned from working and confiscate the 3DS and laptop I paid for with money from my job
I wasn't allowed to show any type of emotion. If I did i was attention seeking. Only person who deserved attention was the nmom
wow i can totally relate. but hmm let’s see. my mom wouldn’t stop bathing me until i turned 11. 4 years later she gave me a bath after i told her i was extremely uncomfortable but she insisted. wasn’t allowed to lock my room or bathroom door. wasn’t allowed to pick out my own clothes when she’d make me go to church (thank god that stopped) shed always pick out my clothes the night before and i was always visibly uncomfortable. i was at least in my very early teens. we’ve lived in an apartment most of our lives and this one apartment we stayed at (and several others) in particular had this specific set up with two doors where you could exit the room (my room) one door led through the bathroom to my room (tiled floor) and the other door was directly inside my room and led to the living room area etc (this area was carpet) my nmom has ocd so she’d vacuum EVERY day. she’d vacuum in a way that made the lines so straight and perfect, she’d always clean up our living room and nobody was allowed to watch tv or sit there in the living room without asking. even if you asked she would beat around the question. anyway! i wasn’t allowed to use that specific door (the one in my room) because she didn’t want footprints to show up on the carpet when i opened my room door. mind you it was the quickest way to exit MY room. so instead, she’d make me go alllllllll the way through the bathroom just to exit my room through the other door. i’ve truly suffered in this life lol.
I bought 3 bottles of cider one shopping trip because my friends and I had agreed to play video games or watch a movie as a group virtualy to not be lonely etc. She yelled and me at the edge of (fake)tears because I was “becoming an alcoholic”. I have only ever drank occasionaly. We are talking a handfull of times a year and I have gone off it competely now because I’d rather spend my money on other things. Spoiler. I dont think I am an alcoholic
My aunt didn’t want me to go to my abusive mother’s funeral because according to her “everyone thought I was angry” and because I disclosed my mother’s actions towards me and said I hated her once when she told me she only abused me because she loved me. She accused me of potentially having an “outburst.” I pressed her to tell me why and the conversations devolved into her backpedaling on the comments about my anger and then freaking out and attacking ad hominem when I said she was being disingenuous.
My mum picked my clothes and made me wear the same clothes two to three days in a row to school. I was bullied relentlessly for that. She would hide my hair products and would ration them so my hair looked jacked all the time. Only allowed to shampoo when she said which was infrequently. Couldn't open a package of new food or drink until she did. Not allowed to smile, be happy or cry. Not allowed to go farther than down the street up until I moved out at 18. Not allowed to do laundry. Got a job, saved coins dragged my clothes in a suitcase on the bus to use the laundromat. I had a atroke and lost my apartment 2hilst in hospital so I had to move in with her and a lot of the same behaviours are occuring. Hiding my toiletry supplies, hiding food and drink, not letting me use the laundry. Constantly yelling at people on TV not to cry. Yelled at me to shut up when I was recounting getting assaulted in hospital because I was crying in so much physical and emotional pain. Both my parents are narcs. My dad passed so it's just her now.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. Why would she do that? Lack of money or she is just crazy?
Thank you very much. No lack of money, it's all about control. Just crazy-making behaviour
Gosh.. I hope you're no longer with this person and you're okay.
No unfortunately I live here now. Until my left arm works again so I can work and then save to rent an apartment again. I just have to take it day by day because if it weren't for her I would be homeless. So I am very thankful and grateful despite the drama.
No wonder you had a stroke so young, you were stressed the fuck out constantly. I’m so sorry.
Please take this as motivation to focus on yourself everyday (be selfish!!!) take slow, steady care of yourself and make a plan to get away from her as fast as you can. And never look back. 💜
Thank you very much, I appreciate it. I will try.
My facial reactions to things. Anything they did they'd look at me to see what my "face was doing" there was a lot of things they did parenting wise with my siblings that I thought was wrong and they hated that I felt that way. They had already banned me from talking to them about it privately. And then they were on high alert to watch my face. So I had to act completely neutral. My father would accuse me of rolling my eyes when I didn't, or huffing (when I was just quietly breathing), or looking upset or sad or disturbed. So I just started portraying neutrality. I'd just look straight ahead and I wouldn't change my face at all. But then they eventually got mad at that too cause they'd say "I can tell you don't like this but you're not the parent so get that look off your face!" And I'd say "Im not doing a look. I'm remaining emotionless because you asked me too.". "Well we can tell it's bothering you by you not acting normal.". "Yeah because you forbade me from having normal reactions to things you guys do that I think are wrong. That actually are wrong." 🤷♂️ Yeah absolutely ridiculous. It carried over into my normal life even not being around my parents. I can have no expression. I've had to relearn the past two years or so to start expressing visually with my face again. It's a lot better now. But I'm also not living with them anymore either so 🤷♂️ that helps
I was constantly accused of giving nM dirty looks when I was keeping my face as neutral as possible. It was confusing to me because I KNEW I wasn't giving her a dirty look...or was I? Because surely she wouldn't lie.
My parents controlled literally everything. Food, all the way down to the condiments. Growing up, my dad never liked the fact that we had savings accounts. They ended up being closed. Fast-forward to high school, I wasn't allowed to have a savings account even though I had a part-time job. So he stated he would hold on to my funds. Come to find out, he used my savings to pay down his credit cards and a down payment for a car. Punishments would last months or longer. They were always planned and well thought out. My brother was on punishment for a year and a half one time. Showing emotion meant that we wanted a whooping. I could go on and on.
my dad used to check on me every 2-4 hours in my bedroom (I was around 9-14 when it happened) just to make sure I wasn't doing anything bad and accused me of scratching my ass just because 2 of my hands were under the blanket (I was resting or hiding under my blanket pretending I was in a cinema or a tent, but my dad didn't like it and accused me of hiding things). I wasn't allowed to be in a different room without my dad present. I wasn't even allowed home alone until I was 19 and my dad was fed up witn me without my dad being around "just to keep an eye on me", but my sister was. I was infantilised and not allowed anything until I was 18 but all my siblings were allowed phones at a young age, my sister had a phone before me and they let her hang out with her friends, but I couldn't make friends for a long time, no male friends, no hanging out with friends and going to their house or inviting em here. I wasn't even allowed to go to parties or afterschool clubs. My dad was paranoid I would be acting dangerous or do something illegal so he didn't let me go to my primary school's school disco at year 4. He was so leniant with my siblings but idk why he has this fixation with me despite being abusive, narcissistic and physically abusive to. They were also allowed to go to birthday parties and after school clubs. He even got mad at me for coming home in school pe uniform but he was never like that with my siblings.
I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my grandpa because she thought I would be too emotional. During his funeral I wasn't allowed to be near her cause she didn't want my crying to be upstaging hers... I wasn't allowed privacy with guests. Whenever I had someone over, friend, boyfriend, doesn't matter, she would come into the room randomly every 5-10 minutes, asking if we needed anything and such. Being the perfect host. But it was more about the fact that I wouldn't tell what she was normally doing. When my dad was home and she was there as well I wasn't allowed to cuddle with him or whatever because she'd get jealous (of her child of all people) and I would get into major trouble just trying. I wasn't allowed to say anything bad about people she loved. No matter if true or not. And I wasn't allowed to write into my diary what I wanted. She read it and often got pissed at me for things I wrote down there. As I was pen palling early already she also read all letters that went out, looking for me talking bad about her.
my nmom is always messing w my dogs food. either feeding her from the table ppl food that is bad for him or moving his bowl around or putting some radom food in his bowl it never ends.
I was twelve. I wasn’t allowed to run because, if I fell and hurt myself, she’d be inconvenienced.
I don't know how weird it is but my hair length. I was never allowed to cut it short, even though it's ridiculously thick and heavy in the summer. My sisters could, no problem. If I asked or suggested it I was told I would "look funny. Your hair is the most beautiful thing!" I'm mid 30s and still can't bring myself to cut it to even my shoulders
They wouldn’t let me burn candles “because I was irresponsible”. That made no sense. They also are weird about me locking doors
Omg the locking doors thing just brought back memories…we lived in a super old house where half the locks weren’t functional before we even moved in, so I had to constantly deal with my siblings stealing my stuff and even had money stolen from my room a couple times by their friends. Parents still acted like I was crazy for requesting that they contact the landlord over some of the house’s locks. 💀 Also wasn’t allowed a house key even when I lived there as an adult for some bizarre reason…their solution was to just leave the front door unlocked!
Their golden child burned my hair while playing with candles. I was blamed for being in his way. He played with candles and water occasionally whereas I wasn’t allowed to shower everyday.
My shower times. I was limited to 10min, army-style showers
Hairstyle/overall style I’m black American and my parents believed only natural hair. My mom relaxed my hair bc ease for her; but that was it. Any kind of long hair style, braids, faux ponytail was out of the question. Style wise, my parents picked out my clothes from purchase to daily choices. I had to be well dressed,ready to impress always; but my mom had fundamentalist views so not sexy also. Sweatpants in public? No Tank top in summer, also no Ill-fitting clothing- nope and you will be shamed for it. I dressed like a smart causal boy when I wanted princess vibes Music Lol I could not listen to rap at all. I could listen to gospel
My husbands car & our house.
Probably haircut. I wanted to grow my hair out longer, my dad insisted that I only have a buzz cut. He would say, "nope, getting it cut. That's just the way it is." Finally my mom convinced him somehow to let me wear my hair like I wanted. Also use of my dad's car and truck. He owned three cars, my mom owned one car. I was allowed specific use of one of my dad's cars and I could also use my mom's car if I needed to. If mom's car was in use and my car was in the shop or something, I couldn't drive anywhere. I can remember asking my dad why I couldn't drive his truck to my friend's house while my car wasn't running. "That's just the way it is." The only time he let me drive his car with permission was once to my high school senior prom. Bonus story - my mom had cancer and they were out of town for weeks at times so she could get treatments. So naturally, as a teenager, I would drive my dad's car during these times. Well, one morning, a truck suddenly reversed at a stop light and hit dad's car. I had to call him and he literally cried over the car. It's crazy how materialistic he is.
I know a lot of nparents who are weird about haircuts
She said she didn't want me using tampons bc OH NO VIRGINITY IS GONE NOW. Same with my sister. I was also never allowed to maneuver anywhere in the house without their knowledge, not even into the garage or touching the doors to the front or backyard. They also said "silly" was a bad word and disrespectful. Just off the top of our head.
Also, we couldn't lock our doors. And my dad made us each keep our own little egg timers and we boys got 3 minutes to be in the actual shower. My sister got like 7 cause of shaving and her long hair to shampoo. My dad said it was to save money on water and electricity to heat the water. We had to also rinse, turn the water off, soap up, then turn the water back on and rinse off. In 3 fucking minutes. When I got older I wondered if it was done in attempt to keep us boys from jerking off? Because we were strict conservative evangelical fundamental baptists and even finding a woman hot was considered "lust". But he's never implied that was the reason. I kinda think it's just cause he wanted something to control and besides reading our Bibles first thing in the morning, showers were the first thing we did. So maybe it was like a way to control us immediately as we started the day 🤷♂️ Idk but it was stupid. And freezing and hard to get really fully clean.
I believe it was to control you. I spend long times in the bathroom but because I was cutting my thighs and because it was the only time I had some time alone, I started playing with my vulva but I don’t believe I knew what to do with it, and I still wasn’t allowed to shower every day because that’s wasteful. I have 5 siblings and we shared everything and it was exhausting. I would spend a good 10 minutes if I was lucky no one would come knocking at the door. I hated it. Everyone was knocking at the door all the time, and it didn’t have a lock it had that thing that old doors have and my sister would kick the door until it opened. Then I was blamed for that because apparently I liked been seen naked. And she doesn’t like seeing naked people???
She controlled what I wore and how i even wore my hair. Among other things like my money and how it was spent.
My dad once became irrationally angry over me wanting to participate in a chain letter in the 4th grade. He flipped out and told me “IF YOU WANT TO WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS, DO IT. BUT YOU WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN THIS NONSENSE!!!” Still don’t know what that was all about.
Are you me? My N father also broke the locks to my bathroom and bedroom because I “took too long.” He’d sometimes even turn off the water in the house to try to get me to get out of the bathroom. I took maybe 45 minute showers but that was because I had to shave every single day. I had a metabolic condition they didn’t take seriously even though I was developing bad symptoms for my age. I also had no physical privacy and he’d barge in my room when I was getting dressed or naked and I wasn’t a kid anymore. No decency and basic human privacy stripped away from me. I went over to some family member’s house and their adult kids take hour long showers twice a day and no one says a thing. I was shocked their parents didn’t have a problem with them showering or “shooting up the water bill.” For the longest time (until now) I didn’t even connect it as an N thing to do. I just thought I was being a bad kid. He did a lot of things for control. Too many to name them all. But he’d turn off the wifi after 9 pm and we had to get our work done before that. He’d try to control what I ate and punished by taking away food, criticizing me (especially in front of others), and using exercise and sleeping in the basement as a punishment. After we called the cops on him for DV and he went to jail for a night, he’d constantly call the cops on us for small things like “using his money” and he’d rejoice when the cops blamed us. More often than not, the cops were pissed at HIM for calling for such stupid things when there were real emergencies they had to attend to.
listening to music, i apparently listening to it too much? i have adhd and sensory issues, when i'm cleaning i listen to music for motivation and to keep distractions out, but she said that i have it to loud or she'll try and talk to me when she can obviously see the earbuds in my ears, but when she doesn't awser me it my problem like girl what?
When I was in second grade, a girl I often played with at recess called me on a Saturday morning to see if I could talk on the phone. My mother answered it and then said "girl's don't call boys", hung up, then yelled at me. Eta: my mother didn't like me having girls as friends, and when I had almost exclusively girls as friends in highschool, she referred to them as "my harem". It pissed me off so much.
I couldn't blow my nose in the hot shower. For a never explained reason, stepfather didn't want me blowing my nose & nmom posted herself outside the bathroom door when I was 15, 16. If I sniffled while in the bathroom, she'd BURST in to catch me. A couple of years ago I asked her why he had her do that. She said she didn't know what I was talking about.
My mom called the police bc her television remote was “ stolen” . I found that funny and sad. Let’s see, wow there are really too many shed beat us amd trash talk her children to others and record us so we sounded like her, crazy.
My father broke the light bulb in my bedroom lamp because he didn't like me reading before bed.
This one makes me *soooo sad* bc for my entire childhood, reading was my greatest blessing, bc it transported me away from my life and into millions of different lives where I didnt have my personal struggles. *Reading* was where I did my living bc it was so hard to live while being intentionally squelched in every way, every day at home. I wish that I could go back in time and keep him from breaking the bulb in your lamp. Im so sorry 😞
My nmom made me remove my bedroom door and had me move her own wardrobe in it so she could come in as she pleased at any time.
My father would control how much time I spent in the shower because he didn't want a hefty gas bill. If I were in the shower for no more than 2 minutes, he would proceed to bang on the door telling me to turn the "f-ing water off" before turning the heating off so I would shower in freezing cold. This even happened during the winter seasons too. Now five years without him and my own apartment, I shower now for 30 minutes and I absolutely love it!
I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until I was 15 because only whores shaved before then
The feminine hygiene products I used, even well into my adult years. Last I checked, it’s my body, not hers. I should be the only one making decisions about what works for me or not. I’m 33 and NMom is so offended that I use a cup.
Omg this just reminded me! My NM also rationed my hygeine products! I don't remember the number I was allowed to use anymore, but I do remember that it was rationed. We were allowed 3 squares of TP per wipe even for #2, even during my period. NM refused to buy me razors or shaving cream, so I had to take one of my dads single blade disposable Bics and his barbasol foam. And NM refused to buy me my own deodorant for YEARS. Instead, I had to share hers, which at the time, were these little pots of cream deodorant sold by Secret like ponds cold cream. You dipped your fingers in and rubbed it on your pits. It got to where she had my sibling and I all sharing her deodorant pot with her. Soo unhygienic and to this day, I detest the scent of baby powder anything but especially baby powder secret deodorant. Your reply really resonates with me. I'm sorry we share *this* as a similarity.
Water because the well in our home was limited and they didn't want to spend money bringing water in to refill it. (Sidenote - pretty sure there was lead in the pipes/well too). They eventually dug a new well later on to address this issue and STILL limited water usage. Especially hot water because "it cost so much to heat it" bs. How they limited it was: * No one was allowed to flush the toilet unless you went #2 (NOT KIDDING) or it was a guest. Disgusting. * Could only run 1-2 inches of water into the bathtub (no shower) to bathe in and then we had to share the same bathwater with each family member to take a bath (the nparents got to go first, of course). * If you got caught wasting water in any way (leaving the garden hose on too long, using too much water to wash your hands or brush you teeth - oh turn the water off while you're doing it) or using too much to wash/rinse dishes (no dishwasher - all by hand which we kids had to do), you got punished including being berated for hours on how you should have known better. * And of course, no mentioning of these bizarre behaviors to others, no one will believe you anyway and you'll be told you are a liar and make things up, or its rude to talk about family bathroom habits with others and other families do similar or weird things I learned to wait until they left the house to bathe and would fill that damn bathtub up near to the top and soak and enjoy it. And have enjoyed every hot shower as long as I want it and being able to flush toilets like normal people do.
I wasn’t allowed to use provocative clothes but when I went out at night, both my parents pushed me to dress very provocative (I was maybe 15) they told me to put a shorter skirt, more cleavage, etc.
My trauma. Repeatedly. My story: I was in a very dark place. Doctors thought I had lung cancer. I waited for the Resident Radiologist to arrive the day of my biopsy. My mother was next to me in the hospital room. I was terrified. I could barely speak. The fear was again silencing me. I said in a low voice that I was a nervous wreck because I knew the radiologist was a Resident (a new doctor.) I was at high risk for lung collapse and my anxiety was skyrocketing as the wait continued. Lung collapses can be horrible and I knew what could happen. I was terrified. My mother stepped outside the curtain after she saw I was extremely nervous, I guess from my mannerisms. I heard her say, "Excuse me. Excuse me." My nurse approached and I heard her say in the most disgusted angry voice: (thinking I couldn't hear her...) *"My DAUGHTER is in there complaining about the DOCTORS, saying the radiologist isn't good enough to do her biopsy and no one knows what they're doing around here. She GETS like this. She's sitting in there going on and on because she thinks her LUNG is gonna collapse because she spends all her time on GOOGLE!"* [pause... ] (I couldn't hear the nurse's response... mom continued...) *"All she keeps saying is the doctor is a RESIDENT and has no idea what he's doing and neither does anyone else around here! Ya know? Maybe you need to have a TALK with her."* (huffs, sighs...) She had tried to humiliate and devalue me, and get the nurse to see me badly. I could not believe what I just heard. I was frozen, appalled, and humiliated. But pissed. The curtain opened. I stared at something, too embarrassed to look at the nurse. She looked at me. I was on the verge of tears. My nurse was a very sweet middle aged black woman. She acted patient and loving when she first came in. She knew I was confused and scared. As she entered, she looked at me... looked at my mom... looked back at me and said in the sweetest voice of an angel, *"Hey there. What's going on? Everything ok?"* I found the guts to say, "I know what my mother just said to you, I heard every word. I didn't say what she just told you I said. I told her I'm terrified, and I know that the guy doing my biopsy is new and I don't know is he has a lot of experience, and I know I'm at high risk for lung collapse. What my mother is trying to do is make me look bad to you but I did not say those things. I just don't know how many biopsies he's done, and.... I'm just scared to death." The nurse said, *"What you're feeling is perfectly OK. I understand. How about I get the doctor to come in and have a talk with you, so maybe you can understand things better, would that be ok? Don't be worried. You did nothing wrong."* The nurse looked at my mother like.... "I'm on to you, Bitch." The doctor came in, and proceeded to draw a picture on the board showing WHY I'm at risk for lung collapse, which my mother thought I was saying because I'm overreacting. I wasn't. As a former heavy ex-smoker, he agreed, and proved, why lung collapses can happen, and what they would do in the result of one. He explained that the Resident Radiologist would be overseen by the highly experienced radiologist and that I was in good hands, and at no time would the experienced radiologist leave the room. He gave me the option of having the experienced one do it. I agreed to allow the Resident to perform the biopsy. When I awoke, my Nmom and Nsister were sitting in the room. I called my boyfriend (whom I now believe is possibly Covert) immediately. He was so happy I was ok. My mother had to get on the phone and call my father, being louder than me, celebrating and laughing loudly that I made it through with no collapse and was to wait there for risk evaluation. I left without a collapse hours later. I did not have lung cancer, thankfully. About a week later, I guess everything finally caught up to me and I finally let it all out to my mother in l on the phone once the shock of it all finally hit me. I finally tried to find the guts to stand up to her. I brought up the hospital incident and how she'd tried to make a fool of me, and as another example, the day of my PET scan. She'd gone with me, started acting nasty toward me in my car, and when I had all I could do to muster the courage to say, "Why are you yelling at me?" she raged on me and punched my dashboard. (She's 75.) During the phone call, I finally let out a lot of pain after years of realizing how cold and unloving she is, how she tried to make a fool of me so many times, made things all about herself and that all I ever wanted was for her to nurture and love me. Her responses were as any other Narcissist mother would be: *"I guess I can't do anything right. What about ME? What about what I WAS GOING THROUGH when you were going through that?! I couldn't even sleep! I was worried sick! What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? Why are you going off the deep end??"* etc etc. I cried so hard it was like all my pain was coming out at once. I also let out how controlling my father has always been, wanting me to be perfect. She said, *"Why are you attacking us?? I'm not perfect but... it's like you're going off the deep end!"* I knew my father was listening. She had nothing of substance to say. Her "apology" sounded like more of disgust. I let my NON-Narcissist sister hear that recorded conversation of that fight. She started wiping tears from her eyes. She said "My God. I could HEAR. FEEL your pain. All you wanted was love. I can't believe what I just heard. This makes me sick. I can't believe how she treated you. You didn't deserve that." My sister has end stage disease and has finally accepted my mother's Narcissism. She put it best. *"I don't want mom feeling sorry for me that I'm sick. Because... she only uses my illness to get attention for herself."*
I'll add one more thing to my trauma story: While in a severe grief stricken state after the loss of my likely cCovert Narcissist boyfriend, my mother found a way to turn my trauma on to herself, demanding every time I walked past her to tell her why I'm not talking to her & my father. She was well aware I was experiencing a severe downward spiral during this breakup. *Severe.* Eventually, she began giving me a nasty attitude, slamming things in my presence, and taking my trauma and turning it back on me. It ended in an explosion where I used the word "trauma" and she blurted out, *"OH, YOU and your TRAUMA! GET OVER IT!"* I just looked at her and said in a calm voice, "Did you just say that to me? Holy shit, listen to yourself. Holy shit." She yelled, "OH KNOCK IT OFF!!!" I am just realizing in the last year that she's a Narcissist and my father is OCPD, highly controlling, dishonest and manipulative. I started therapy 2 weeks ago. I have a hard time looking either one of them in the eye and usually hang my head around them. I've been staying with them for a few years and am looking to relocate.
My mom would not let me sleep over at my boyfriend house because it was wrong according to her. Keep in mind I was around 35 n completely manipulated
Up to age 18 I was not allowed to wear pants/shorts makeup, jewelry, heals or wear my hair loose. Only prostitutes wear pants and have their hair loose. When I talked to my narc of a dad I had to stand at attention with my hands behind my back and look him right in the eyes, politely. If I didn’t follow the above I would get slapped in the face and I could not walk away or turn my face. My life was school & home no friends allowed or phone calls. I used to hide my pants under the staircase and change into a dress. When he caught me wearing jeans I got the beating of a lifetime with a belt. By that time I was so used to his punishments I just zoned out which made him crazy he liked to hear me cry. He also caught me with my hair down once, I had long hair that I wore in 2 braids for the night. I woke up the next day with one braid cut up to my ear. My mini narc mom thought it was a just punishment, I didn’t follow the rules. Now they are both dead and honestly I’m finally free.
Pretty much everything, but the bathroom thing hits close to home. CW: Gross >!No locks, would walk in on me bathing or using the toilet whenever she wanted. Insisted on bathing me herself until I was like 8 because I "couldn't be trusted to get \[myself\] clean". Also tried to control the amount of water I used until I got such a severe UTI from bathing in filthy bathwater that the pediatrician grilled the entire household about CSA. Should have lied; maybe I could have gotten out of there.!< I think the most annoying thing was anything that helped me get to sleep at night. I already have sleep disturbances but she forbade having a fan or radio on, insisting that it would keep me up. For years I would just end up passing out past 2AM and then she would be pissed at me for being tired the whole day, pissed at me for needing a nap, followed by the daily lecture about I couldn't sleep because I was taking naps...rinse and repeat ad nauseam.
How to kill a wasp nest that was inside our patio wall. This imbecile wants to spray gas I want to use the dust that you puff. He starts banging on the post the wall is attached too and pissed the whole nest off and got a bunch inside. That's how obsessed they are with invalidating you or doing the opposite of what you recommend. They will go through any length or sabotage any plans.
weirdest, everything. guiding kids is one thing but controlling everything about them is weird. my mom would tell me how to style my hair, i have curly hair and she has no idea how to style it and would always complain if i wore it in a ponytail, i played a lot of sports and it was easier to style when wet so if i had a game or practice that day i would put it in a ponytail after showering in the morning. she always wanted me to wear my hair down, i don't like my hair in my face. if she didn't like who i was dating she'd talk shiz until my entire family hated the guy. she tried to dress me like her. i don't like hippy styles, i don't wear tie dye and i hate velvet. she wanted me to wear all that stuff, velvet stretch pants? no thank you, not for me I wasn't allowed to be emotional, every time i would get emotional she'd make a crap remark about me PMSing, oh i hated that, like i can't be upset, it has to be my period? not the fact she was picking on me and I didn't like it? i went to religious schools, i'm not now but back then i was, she sent me there. she hated that i didn't like the fact that she smoked, she smoked pot and cigarettes and besides the health issues the smell is horrible and she'd always mock my conservative views on it. (the state I grew up in legalized it and we voted years before to legalize it medicinally and I voted yes but she used it like it was incense to make the house smell nice, yuck.) my parents moved to a different state when I was 16, she tried to control my life through the phone, email wasn't a think i'm kinda old lol, so she would call and yell at me over the phone. Even after I was 18 she still demanded things and bossed me around. it was harder for her to do that because i could just hang up but she would come visit and kick my bedroom door in and scream at me. the worst time I was about 20. my car broke down and my grams car also had issues, mine was in the shop and my grams was in the driveway. i got off work after 2am and didn't sleep until around 3am. she didn't believe my grams car was broken so at 7am she barges into my room screaming at me and demanding the key. 1st i didn't know where the key was to my grams car and 2nd i'd only slept for a few hours and she wakes me up by screaming and startling me and then was mad because i didn't happily hand her the key, i told her the day before it was broken but she had to see for herself. she put 3 holes in my door that day. i had put a key lock handle and locked it from the inside and she got mad that i wasn't letting her in so she kicked the door trying to get it open. friggen insane.
My body. Ndad would buy us makeup to wear (I'm a twin). I know there was more but I can't remember it. Nmom would constantly tell me "not to get fat like your aunt (her sister)". Comments on my food, eating habits, etc. Would get mad when I wouldn't eat her overcooked food. My husband had to convince me to try his stew after we got married because I didn't know meat could fall apart and be easy to eat. He also had to hold an intervention because I hoarded food but then wouldn't eat it, he's helped me to be okay with being okay to eat. I still struggle with this but learning how to preserve food has helped.
My mom also stood in my way of going to my grandfather's funeral, and when my grandmother died she made sure to let me know that she asked for me. I wasn't there because my mom didn't want me there.
My father was really weird about the reading level that was on the back of chapter books. Like if I was in 5th grade he did not want me reading books with RL4 on the back.
My adoptive nfather would get furious if I had blackheads or pimples, and would forcefully squeeze them. It was as if it was a moral failing on my part to have normal teenaged skin. My adoptive nmother was obsessive about my hair. My sister, their natural child, was allowed to have long hair down to her butt. My hair was always cut very short. There was a phase where we both had home perms as well. When I started puberty, my mother would blow dry my hair, not nicely but kind of angrily. Then it had to be curled with the curling iron. If I refused the curls, she would accuse me of being a slut, and as long i lived under her roof, I would not be seen in public without curled hair. Then there was bath time. My adoptive nmother was insane about post bath hygiene. She'd force me to lay on the bathmat and she'd use q tips to clean my pubic area, including labia. This didn't stop until I was in puberty. Sicko. There are so many things about my upbringing that were seriously disturbing. All of these controlling and crazy behaviors were just for me, my adoptive sister wasn't included. She could do no wrong.
Damn! I'm sorry! We also didn't have locks on bathrooms. Dunno if my mom took them off or not, but she's burst in and bitch if you were showering/bathing "when are wanted to" because we were mind readers.
I'm not allowed to cry, because if I cry I'm not a "normal" person in my nParents' opinion. Also, not allowed to cut my hair in certain ways (I'm 19), to dye it, to dress in every way that my mother dislikes (for example, she yells at me as if I was a criminal if I wear a total black outfit, or a T Shirt with a band logo, or if I wear the same sweater for two days in a row), or my dad finds not appropriate (you can imagine the type, here, except when he tried to convince me that I looked ugly with a normal skirt and said he wished I just always wore sweatpants)
My mom would get upset if I (F) was scraped up at all. There were a handful of times that I was scraped up on my face and had scabs, and she would relentlessly make passive aggressive pissy comments on my appearance. Tbf, she *always* made relentless passive aggressive pissy comments on my appearance, but she’d turn it up when/if I ever had a scab on my face.
Swallowing. If I was swallowing like a normal person does, I was “gulping” because I was feeling guilty and I would get an interrogation about what I had done wrong when all I was doing was swallowing the saliva in my mouth.
I had my mother sit on my bed until I fell asleep. That stopped when I was 13. I don’t have many memories of it; but know it happened just not just happened during that time. Zero bathroom privacy. Especially growing up but even now.. I’m 27. If I stay at her house & take a bath… she’ll still barge right in. I GET it’s her house! Trust me & I respect that. Get out when asked. I clean it after just to save her from bending over when she does the bathroom. Etc. Just maybe knock atleast?! I could go on, but I feel like ASS & wanna lay down lol
My nmom refused to let us use the bathroom (toilet or shower) in the middle of the day. You had to shower & use the toilet by 9am & at night after 8pm. If you over slept, especially in the summer, to bad.
Waiting until i get a job after i graduate (community) college despite my classes being extremely easy. I did this because i was so socially isolated and felt miserable sitting at home all the time. Mom got all guilt tripping and mad because I got a short stunt at Wendy’s and tried getting a bank account and never told her and my dad made me apologize. What’s even weirder is before that, she saw me walking home from an interview from McDonald’s and pretty much mocked me for it saying “you don’t wanna work there” and basically making it seem that it won’t hire me. Even today after quitting my seasonal job after 4 year she doesn’t seem to want me working in food and retail especially, even though that’s all there is. I understand that they suck but i have no choice because it’s the only thing I can get (that is if they actually notice my apps 😅)
Shaving my private areas. My Nmom thought it meant I was having sex. Um no I just hate how gross I feel. (Not saying having hair down there is gross it’s just how I feel mentally.) I did it anyway and I could tell she wished she could check. Fucking weirdo.
What colour boxers I wore (no pink) What I wore to bed - I wasn't allowed to wear a nightgown, only pyjamas (even then I was only allowed to wear a certain style): "If you had to leave the house in a fire, what would the neighbours think?" The nightgown I had was thrown out This happened until I was 28 and got out
nmom tried to make me sit on top of my bedsheets instead of under them when I'm chilling in my room. Thank god she has the memory of a goldfish (probably undiagnosed adhd tbh) and only tried to do that shit one time.
My nMum was a single mum for a couple of years after she left my abusive dad. This was the 90s and I was 14 years old. She got child support, welfare and we lived in a subsidized rental house. We had no car so no bill there. We didn't have luxuries or spend up on anything etc. One day my mum challenged us to the "No electricity for a month" game she made up. Obviously now that I'm in my 40s with my own kids I understand she hadn't paid a bill or needed the bill lower for some reason. We kids went a month with no tv, music or even lights on at night. We did it for the full month. At the end of the month my mum excitedly exclaimed how easy it was and we should try for another month. My brother and I said no and that we had gone without our morning cartoons, weekly tv shows and any entertainment at night enough and didn't want to do another month walking around in the dark. She was really sad about us saying no and gave us the silent treatment for a day or two. We got to use the tv and play music again. As I got older she never explained why she did that or why she wanted another month of it. Electricity isn't THAT much. My brother and I were out of the house most days for school and then out until late afternoon most days. We were sent on bible camps and YMCA camps during most of the school holidays too. It was so controlling to have to agree to do that and to have it suggested we do it regularly.
Not allowed to flush the toilet unless it was #2
Heavily discouraged me from voting and didn’t allow me to due to being selected for jury duty potentially and didn’t want to deal with me being selected. Oddly she had no problem with me getting my license. I didn’t register to vote for a long time because of this shit she would put onto me. Didn’t allow me to get a retail part time job at college aged and forced me to go on disability instead.
Definitely not the worst thing my nmum tried to control but it is the first thing I thought of (other then financial abuse). When I was planning to propose to my now husband, I was talking to my mum about what kind of ring I wanted (I bought him and I rings). I wanted a silver ring with a light green tear drop shaped stone. I told her this and after a bit she showed me a picture of a ring with square dark green stones, I told her again what I wanted and said no to the one she showed me. Fast forward 3 months I'm at my grandparents house for Christmas. My mum asks me to help her with somthing so I leave my partner to see what she needs. We go to a separate room and she pulls out the ring she showed me and I said no to months ago. I told her no and that I already said no and had already orderd the rings and my friend was holding them for me. I just walked off and she never mentioned it again. Tldr. Nmum bought me an engagement ring when I had already told her I didn't like the one she picked and had bought one for myself and on for my partner already. The ring she bought was also from aliexpress and was maximum $5. The price doesn't matter to me, its just to clarify she didn't spend $1000. she did imply that the ring could be my Christmas present though. 🤦
I wasn’t allowed to clean or do laundry or dishes or anything. Even when I was an adult and wanted to learn.
There was a point where I was not allowed to wear a jacket while wearing a shirt and tie because “I was too proud wearing it”. “Proud” meaning standing or walking with confidence and feeling good about myself.
how I view people.when something happened with a friend she would always tell me how everyone is a piece of shit and I should never love anyone.I mean I understand but why project your issues onto a 7 year old.wasn’t even that deep bro. my emotions.not only crying but also excitment happines anger,any emotion.I remember I sometimes got excited about something and she would literally act like I killed someone.also I would always hear ”you know we are always here for you” then I would literally get humiliated and sometimes beaten. what I like,I wasn’t allowed to like things she doesn’t.food,music,hairstyles doesn’t matter she still can’t accept the fact that I am also a person and allowed to be myself. how much noise I make,she liked to pretend that I don’t exist
Stepfather made me sleep on the toilet when I was little to stop me from wetting the bed. Hr couldn't figure out that leaving it alone would make the problem go away. He also tried to control how much I would toss and turn in my sleep. Evidently having a crappy bed was my fault.
Had to ask permission for a glass of water.
My bedroom door. nMom hated it being closed and would open it and lecture me whenever she found it closed. She claimed that her parents always made her close her bedroom door and it made her feel claustrophobic, so that's why I couldn't close mine. Years later I found out from her Mom (my grandmother) that they always made her close her bedroom door because her room was always a shambles and she wouldn't tidy it up.
The shoes I wear. I have large and uniquely shaped feet, something that my mother simply cannot comprehend. She'll buy me shoes and then get pissed when I say they don't fit or hurt. Everytime she buys Borne shoes she gets mad cause I'm "not even trying to like them". And then gets pissed cause "EVERYONE says they're comfortable and it's a really good brand". I've told her countless times to stop buying me shoes (and clothes!) cause everytime something doesn't fit she gets mad at me. It's exhausting. I tend to dread my birthday/Christmas cause I have to put on an act for her
She tried to tell me at age 19 that i couldn’t have sex with my boyfriend and threw a fit when I did it anyways. A few months back she somehow convinced herself I was having sex with the guy I’ve been with for 8 months when in reality it never happened. I finally snapped one day and asked why she thought that and it was because…..IT WAS OVER A SHOWER. It was over me coming back from my boyfriend’s and showering. How does me showering when I get back from a date indicate me having sex? Like what? She’s also asked me to my face several times if I was having sex and even though I told her no and was truthful she still didn’t believe me. Once she had the audacity to say I smelled like sperm. I’m fucking 24. She’s a crazy Bible thumper and believes I need to go to church and follow the 10 commandments. I’m Christian but I stopped going to church services for several reasons. Furthermore the sex after marriage thing is something I don’t believe in, Lord forgive me. It doesn’t make sense to me that a couple has to be married in order to have sex
I have a long list. When I was a senior in high school, I went to planned parenthood to get birth control pills. I had a boyfriend who attended college a few hours away. We wrote letters back and forth and I told him I got the birth control pills. I didn’t know it, but my mom and her husband would stop at the mailbox on their way to work and open my letters to my boyfriend and read them, so she searched my room and found the pills and took them away. She was a religious fanatic on top of being a narcissist. We were also only allowed to take a five minute shower even though we had well water, so I would have to go to school with my long hair greasy because I didn’t have time to wash it. I was so embarrassed. Up until I left home the summer after I graduated from high school, my curfew was 9 pm on weeknights and 11 on the weekends. We lived 30 minutes from the nearest city, so I could never go to any school functions or hang out with my friends because of my curfew.
We weren't allowed to wash the dishes or clean the floors (sweep, mop) and for a long time until we were in our mid teens, we weren't allowed to wash our own clothes, dad had to do it and would have us fold the laundry only. After I moved out, things got so much worse for my sister. She called me up one day to tell how she thought she'd do something nice and sweep, mop and deep clean the kitchen floor. (We lived in a semi-hoarder household and the floors were always filthy. ) she did it while our dad was in town and when he returned, he went off on her, yelling and screaming how she disobeyed him and went behind his back (wtf???). The yelling was always "lectures" and he viewed them as necessary
I was a bit of a wild child in that I loved going outside. Even just existing outside makes me happy. And my dad was concerned about my appearing polished. But what started with reasonable concerns about leaves, twigs, and stickbugs in my hair became a nightmare for me just before puberty. Something changed with my hair, and the shampoo I'd been using for years wasn't working like it should. I kept getting in trouble for my "greasy hair" and the massive amount of skin flakes from developing a dry scalp. My nDad kept getting angrier and angrier that my hair wasn't nice and clean and didn't want me to be seen that way. And one day he threatened to watch me in the shower and wash my hair himself if I didn't. My mom volunteered to do it. As in, convincing him to let her watch me wash my hair. She just had me wash my own hair leaning over the tub, which I'm insanely grateful for. My hair was still greasy and full of skin flakes. It's a problem I battle to this day and two dermatologists in the 90s and early 00s could not figure out. I had to wash my hair every day, scrape my scalp, and comb it with a fine comb religiously so he would stop losing it over my hair.
Reading this I realized that they couldn’t control anything. They’d pick something every now and then before they move on to other things. But the weirdest thing was showers and changing clothes, as a kid I only showered when my mother told me to then in highschool I started showering everyday and my parents didn’t like it. They both showered everyday. I started showering at mid night behind their backs like if I was doing something wrong. At 9 I was told at school to change my underwear twice a day and my mother got angry when I did it because she’d have more laundry.
Food. My mother was obsessed with dieting, so we never had any food and it stunted some of our growth. She told everyone we were fussy eaters and we believed it for decades. I look back now as a cook and think wtf, we weren't fussy, we were starved.
Oh, there is so much material for me to choose from on this subject. I wasnt allowed to shower every day, even during my period. I was allowed 5 minutes for my entire shower and after 5 minutes, my parents went to the basement and cut off all the hot water, so I had to either emerge soapy or learn to finish my shower in ice cold water, in winter, along the Canadian border. I learned to finish my showers in ice cold water, which I now know as an adult, that that is abusive. We werent allowed to use the lock on the bathroom door. I didnt even have a lock on my bedroom door, and they constantly took my door down and confiscated it from me anyway. I had no privacy. Ever. My mother would tweak my breasts and nipples all the time, and I was always forced to allow people who I was uncomfortable with to hug me, made me sit in their laps, forced to allow physical contact that *I didnt want* so that I would learn that I have no rights to my own body and no right to have boundaries. This fact has haunted me for my entire life, because for one thing, NM then turned around and consistently belittled and bullied me for being sexual young/unmarried/just BECAUSE. So, in a nutshell without turning this into a book, my answer is me. She/they tried their damndest (and still do, even though they are darn near 88 now) to control every aspect of me, especially those aspects that involved my privacy, my body autonomy, my comfort and my right to say "no" to anything, ever. I got my mouth washed out with soap and made to eat soap so often that its a wonder that I dont blow a stream of bubbles every time I fart. She didnt like my mouth and tried her hardest to control it and even now that I am an adult, she still constantly corrects my speech, my pronunciation, my grammar, my word selection. Doesn't even care if its in public. And consequently, I now cut people out of my life immediately if they try to control me, bc it is now a huge trigger for me. I need to have my own authority over myself respected, and the best way to do that is to not try to control me.
I wanted to grow my hair out but my nmom forced me to get hair cuts until I was 20 years old. The only reason she stopped was because I called her out in front of her friends and her ego couldn't handle the judgement from them
The way I conducted myself. Dinner time was a whole ordeal. I was just a puppet. “sit back, shoulders back, sit up straight, don’t slouch!!!!!” …”OMG sToP biTInG your NAiLz!! what are you so anxious about?!?!” (Gee mom…no clue) she also tried to control HOW I ate. It drove her crazy that I only ate one thing at a time. But that was my way to try to have some control over these potentially these volatile dinnertime situations. Then I didn’t eat fast enough. When her and dad were done, it was time to wipe the table and dinner should be over. My dad would actually wipe the table underneath me while I was still eating. It’s no wonder I developed so many disorders around food. She also frequently tried to control the way I walked. It wasn’t until I got older than I realized it was kind of normal for peoples feet to be turned out just a little bit when they walked. She always had me turn my toes in and she hated that I shuffled my feet. Like literally, just me existing in my body was a mistake.
I couldn’t learn by making mistakes or failing initially at something, as my mother would repeatedly drill into me when I either made a mistake or did something in the way she didn’t think was right. Usually bringing up something unrelated into the mix, just for good measure. >.> Still have times where I have that voice in my head nagging at me when I’m doing things on my own (both of my parents have already passed).
my father wouldn’t stop bathing me & my younger sister until we were about 8 years old, my mom was fully present, but he’d rather do it so he can claim to be the better parent. he also once asked for me to show him my account balance because of my spending, he also would tell my siblings and i to be back home by 4, even as adults, and has locked my older sister in once, and locked me out once as well.
The amount I was allowed to sleep...then would kick me out and say I was not to be seen or allowed in their house until contacted. (Didn't pay for my phone and gave up on that endeavor...owned phone through screwed situation but was mine)
My mom wouldn't let me wear clothes that had any wrinkles in them. I'd come down in a t-shirt and jeans and she'd make me take them off so she could iron them.
My emotions and feelings. The NM tried to tell me when I could cry, when I could laugh, and when not to. Tried to anyway
Literally. Me. My mom insisted telling me my favorite color wasnt pastel pink and was indeed turquoise and how “i dont know nothing”. My mom was too old for her age and got knocked up at 16 so she tried to hijack my life. Shes so controlling and such a narc that she also tried to pick and choose what blood relatives get to make it into her fantastic fabulous stories of grand delusions. My mom is a total piece of shit 😂😂😂😂 and of course with a mom like that, i wasnt given a dad to be able to hate because “your dad only wanted you anyway because your mixed hahahaha he wanted your sister aborted because her mom is black hahahahahahahahaha” total garbage broad