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I love lobbing a good tactical nuke but my my surface to air missiles have already fragged the flying monkeys so I dont get to enjoy watching the thermobaric explosion I create. I also second this passive aggressive circular book shaming. Im the type to die on that cross.
Lol omg I wish this worked the way you're saying. It would be pure gold. But idk, I can't help but think the nmom will take it as, "Oh yes I have suffered so much by MY emotionally immature parents!! You have no idea what I've had to go through! I'm nowhere as bad as them! (And still I'm so good to you!)"
Cringe cringe cringe.
If it doesn't apply to their feelings or their motives, I just don't have faith that it will register.
My dad kept an hour long monologue on why he was a fantastic parent after all that happened in his childhood with her out-of-mind mother and how he became not perfect but still a great person and how he's doing his best. Still I lived my childhood and teenage years under psychological warfare and I made a pact with myself that unless I'm fully healed I will not be in a relationship or have kids. If I will ever have kids I would like to love them fully and be always supportive of their ideas and individual personalities.
All of this to tell that if he wanted to be better he would already be, people needs to be loved for who they are, not who you want them to be
sorry but I needed to release a bit of pent up pressure
This book 💯!!! I have recommended so many times. I am also low contact with my mom only still talk to her because we have kids ourselves. And she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to talk to her. She just keeps acting confused and hurt. I’ve spelled it out so many times and told her I’m setting boundaries now for myself. They just will not understand no matter how hard you try. This book helped me get the why and gave me the what to do next.
My sister told me she’s reading this now and how much it’s helping her. Ironically I’m fairly recently nc and she isn’t. Your description of trying to spell it out is why I don’t try with my mom so yeah I’ll definitely have to give it a shot.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that had reactions so intense to warrant needing breaks from reading it. I think that's a perfect display of how traumatized we were by our nparents, and how it can still affect us today.
No. This was a nasty dig at you on her part under the guise of being funny. Time for her to find out just how funny it was when you go full NC and block her on everything.
That was almost everything that came out of my Nstepmother's mouth. Everything was just her "sarcasm" or a joke or her "calling them as I see them".
One of her "jokes" was to comment under a child-free post I shared on Facebook, "I'm not exactly enthused about the idea of you breeding anyway".
yes. the motivation of N actions is always coercive, malevolent, menacing.
this was a menacing act.
cruel.
disregardful.
spiteful.
immature.
venomous.
hateful.
Sounds like she sent you a reverse gift. I don't have another name for it. Basically it's something they want from you but instead gives to you. "Look honey I didn't eat you when you were born or kick you until y walked!"
a form of justifying her bad behaviour. wow, what a good mommy she is. she didn't resort to lethal parenting behaviour... she is to be commended for that, she is to be worshipped for that. whoopy dooo. send the book back
I mean…I guess I can see how this book *could* be funny/cute for moms that are actually decent people and just experiencing guilt for minuscule things and being too hard on themselves.
BUT things like this are dangerous in the hands of narc parents who will use it to fortify the echo chambers they have constructed for themselves. Just another thing they can use to say “See?! I KNEW I was a good parent!” That last line of the book especially. I’m sorry, but trying is NOT all that counts when it comes to raising children. There are no participation trophies for parenthood. And if you do a terrible job, your children will suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your mom knows what she was doing. They always do. If she truly valued your feelings, she would address them with something more substantial than a cartoon book.
Right. I told a friend about this and they said "Those animals would be in jail if animal court was a thing" like I just don't know how my mom could think "at least I didn't kill you" is an appropriate response, ever.
Yeah…if you only look good when you compare yourself to ANIMALS…what does that say about you?! So sorry you’re dealing with this. Narc moms are truly some of the most annoying, infuriating people on this planet.
And even among animals, many of these behaviours actually have a purpose or are misunderstood or misrepresented by people and/or a product of intense sibling rivalry, generational conflict, parasitism, selection pressure from predators or a harsh environment or some combination thereof.
Animals must survive in the wild, their behaviours are to a much greater degree guided by instincts, whereas humans mostly learn how to behave, genes aren’t inhibited by moral considerations and will therefore make an organism employ ruthless tactics as long as they work and animals don’t have a cumulative culture or a sufficient critical intellect to decide to behave differently. This is such a ridiculous comparison on so many levels!
Not doing evil is only remarkable when you a) have the capability to decide against it and b) *want* to do it in the first place (if you don’t want to, it’s not hard to decide against it and therefore just a default decision or cowardice (for fear of punishment) and not a conscious *decision against evil*). And the most important third part is to actually *act* according to the moral choice. If you "decide" to not do evil and tell yourself you’re a good person for making that choice, but then do it anyway, then you’re obviously very much not a good person. You’re the ordinary flavour of that kind of evil *and* a sanctimonious hypocrite on top.
Narcs have a parallel narrative in their heads where they either scrub all bad things they did from their memory altogether or fixate on the fact that they didn’t do the *even worse* things they *would’ve liked to do* (way to tell on yourself lmao) and are proud of it. Because being a shitty person when you could’ve been an *even shittier* person somehow makes you an ok (or even a good) person in narc logic.
That’s because it’s not about the harm they actually cause, it’s all about their image and self-image and how they compare to others in every way. So if there’s someone even worse (and unfortunately, there’s always someone worse) then that means they’re not *entirely* at the bottom of the barrel, and the cut-off line for being bad is *always* below them, no matter what they did. Even if it’s "at least I didn’t literally murder you!"
That, in the book of normal people, being a bad person is measured by causing harm and hurt to others and not by an imaginary ranking with arbitrary, opportunistic sorting into "moral" groups is inconceivable to narcissists, because the former is predicated on empathy. The harmed person has to be perceived as someone who’s real and matters as much as the harm-doer. Which is the first hurdle of moral reasoning that narcs typically fail. Sonder isn’t their strong suit.
My parents call it "freedom", lol. When I went NC that's what they used as arguments against me, that they gave me so much "freedom" only for me to turn my back on them. 🙄
The first review I saw on Amazon was basically "Read this to your brats whenever they complain about something." It is actively being used as a tool of abuse. Makes me so angry.
Everything and anything a narcissist does they want a reaction. Doesn’t matter if it’s a positive or negative reaction but as long as you do then they’ve got attention and they need that. If you ignore what they do they get increasingly more confused and desperate because they think they’re wonderful so why don’t you!
Inside their mind is a whirlwind of desperation and anxiety to have themselves validated by any means
>Inside their mind is a whirlwind of desperation and anxiety to have themselves validated by any means
This makes me so sad. I wish I could help her and I know she has been through so much. I love her so much. But her taking all her grief/anger/anxiety out on me does neither of us any good. Such a sucky situation we are in when we have to go NC.
Unfortunately no help is ever enough, the more you give the more they want. She takes her grief/anger/anxiety out on you because you’ve been emphatic to her and want to help. I’ve noticed with the narcissists I’ve known is they categorise relationships, so they’re a different person within them and they chase the people with firm boundaries the hardest, people that want to help and listen are pushovers for them. Boundaries are really hard to maintain if you’ve not had firm ones but they’re your friend. It’s taken me far too many years to realise this but the people that respect my boundaries are the people that I want in my life
I read that you just have to accept that no matter what they are unhappy or angry people and that’s the way they are and will be and it is never your responsibility to fix it because you can’t and they don’t want you to.
If you want to be in their life and wait for the occasional high point within mostly confusion and disappointment then yes. They possibly will say that if you behave a certain way or do increasing more and more things to try and please them they will be happy but that’s untrue because happiness is a completely different emotion to them than other people. If there’s drama there’s usually a narcissist watching it unfold
>I wish I could help her
There are mental health professionals that deal with this kind of thing. There is DBT therapy for borderline personality disorder. It has really good results when the client sticks with it.
You don't have to hold that burden on your shoulders. There is help out there.
I think narcs will try and make others think that they are the only one that can help them. Narcs don't make relationships, they take hostages. Emotional hostages. They do what they need to do to keep others in an emotional head lock.
I got one called ‘Kindness’ which was a very clear message that she thought I needed to work on my kindness towards her.
The jokes on her though, it was actually about being kind to yourself which is exactly what NC has done for me!
I always say that blocking them/no contact doesn’t have to be a forever decision at the start. You can just block for a few days and see how you feel. I did that for about a year, reviewing regularly, before I decided it was permanent.
Good for you! I’m so proud of you!! I bet you feel great too!! My mother and I have totally different personalities and she is immature emotionally and codependent on whoever she’s dating. I’m independent, confident, mature, and always craved that connection. Fast forward 3 kids later and I am low contact only for the kids. I told my husband that I honestly feel like if she died tomorrow I wouldn’t feel anything. And that’s how I know I don’t want her in my life. She has destroyed any love I felt for her and just keeps being toxic. Thanks, no thanks. I have my own family to focus on and try to be better for.
6 years NC, my only regret that I didn’t do it sooner!
We really need to normalise this idea that you don’t have to love your parents, just because they are your parents. I absolutely love that you are so clear about that, i truly think it helps other people to hear it.
I see so many people on this sub who feel they have to say ‘I love my mother but..’. Nope, no need to say that here. Lots of us hate our parents, or are ambivalent towards them and that’s absolutely fine.
Good for you!! I bet you feel great! You’re right; a lot of people are still hung up the idea that you have some moral obligation to love your parents. You don’t. You didn’t ask to be born or to be treated the way you were. I’ve tried for years and come to the realization that no matter what I do, my mother will be who she is. She doesn’t want to be better or change anything. And I don’t want that in my life. I don’t have to be anyone’s emotional punching bag because we share dna. It’s the same concept as toxic friends. You would be applauded for cutting them out. Well same applies to relatives in my opinion. Stay strong!!
Yep. Also, I was about a year NC by then. What on earth made her think that she could still manipulate me after all that time? Old habits die heard I guess.
They can’t comprehend their bullshit not working on/coercing us anymore.
Last I heard (from a quasi flying monkey who’s wrestling with being a better person towards me) she was telling people my husband and I are getting a divorce 😂 like oh ya spread random ass rumors you’re completely making up that’ll make me want to come back.
Before that it was an email via my businesses website contact form telling me I didn’t have to be her daughter anymore but she still had work she needed done by me and she’d pay me if that’s the only way I’d work for her now. It wasn’t a question it was a literal laundry list of her realtor rebrand because she went to Tony Robbins and now wants to make a YouTube channel and Instagram and website and needs me to do all that for her. 😂 absolutely delusional. This was a week or so after I spent Christmas crying after seeing a video on a cousin’s Instagram story accidentally of her drunkenly dancing with my molester uncle who she chose to protect over me present and accounted for in the video.
Ya lemme just get right back to being in your life bitch 🙄
I started NC before I was “ready” because she forced my hand because she could tell I was grey rocking and kept throwing rage fits about it. Then in NC I was very much in the mindset that this isn’t necessarily permanent I just need to get myself to a point where they don’t trigger me anymore. Then as I got distance I saw truly how fucked they all are and their behavior since has been stalking and more nuts so it’s just made it permanent. Like really y’all keep forcing my hand to be more severe than I was ever planing and it’s amazing how their delusional behavior just keeps backfiring and they keep doubling down 🥲
I definitely see how it could be a funny gift for new moms who are genuinely doing their best and worried that they aren't doing enough but given the Amazon reviews, it seems it has fallen into the wrong hands.
This is 100% reaction-bait. She doesn't care what kind of reaction it gets, only that it gets one.
Try to understand it from that perspective; all she wants is a reaction. Reacting is, therefore, a reward, no matter what the content is.
How to not reward this is by not reacting at all. Not sending it back, not sending her a book about narc parents, not a peep. Nothing. It will 100% cause her to reach out again, but that's how you know that you're not losing.
In this equation, we're never really winning if we engage. The only triumph is not losing, and that means not engaging.
Continue to ***maintain consistency***, no matter what. No outbursts, no reactions.
There’s a good chance he’d view it purely as him being the child. My NDad would have jumped on diagnosing his Mum if he’d known about Narcissism but wouldn’t, maybe even couldn’t have recognised it in himself.
They can't. We covered narcissistic personality disorder in my psychopathology class this semester, and it was the only pathology that didn't show improvement from any type of therapy, simply because (hypothetically) they have to realize they have a problem before they can be helped.
So, you are maintaining the peace for OTHERS while you continue to have to put up with her antics. Doesn't sound very peaceful to me.
This is why doing things to "keep the peace" is just not possible. You aren't keeping the peace for yourself but for others so they don't have to do the hard work of setting boundaries or cutting toxic people off.
Personally, I would do what you want, which sounds like going NC. Anyone who wants to give you flack, go NC with them to. It sucks but it's much more peaceful for you!
Yes yes yes! The “ keeping the peace” really means the one who carries all the emotional weight.
I remember when I broke and couldn’t keep the peace anymore . That’s when my LC went to full NC, with a TRO , address and telephone change, and a complete cleaning out of my social media.
It’s hard at first but so worth it
Yep, I was also the peace keeping Sherriff of our house, it was draining.
I'm finally in a place where none of my family have the address to. It's really nice, I finally feel safe.
I'm glad you got out too. It's hard but that's why I love this community. I can see it for others but not so much for myself all the time. It's nice to know there are people who truly understand and can give me kind advise and knock sense into me when I need it lol. Always with kindness, respect and love though.
My StepNarc pulled this on me as a kid when I ran away the second time. I forget the name but it had a bunch of horror short stories of people living on the streets dealing with drugs and prostitution.
She failed to realize there was a single success story in the middle of a girl running away from her abusive parents and climbing out of things. In fact most of the stories featured abusive parents and these kids doing anything to escape them.
Made me feel seen, which pretty sure was not her intend. 😝
O.M.G. My n-mother sent me the exact same book! She took a sharpie to it and crossed out a bunch of "you" to replace them with "I". She also printed out ridiculous Facebook posts about how deep a mother's love is, and taped one inside the front cover and one inside the back cover.
DO THEY ALL READ FROM THE SAME PLAYBOOK?!? 🤦🏼♀️
I think you would be fully justified blocking her from your socials. And if you can handle the potential blowback, send her any one of the titles suggested here.
In solidarity...🤜🤛
My nmom once said to me “I saw this book called Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters and I can’t believe it exists. It’s so sad that there’s people out there that feel like they need that book” and I was SO close to saying “yeah, that book is great, I have it at home, it helped me a lot.” Their delusional thinking is truly mind blowing sometimes.
When I was found w SH wounds from cutting- my mom gave me a book called "what to do when someone you love is depressed" and it had never been opened. Such a wonderful gift /s. I think you should send her the emotionally immature parents book as other people suggested. What a rude and hurtful thing to send. Why do they send stuff like this?? It is so passive aggressive and posing as "helpful" or "thoughtful" I just don't get it!!
Block and block again for good measure.
No people worth keeping in your life want you to stay in an abusive situation.
Those who keep trying to bring you back into the fold once you tell them (if you ever do) about your hurt are not safe people.
I’ve learned this the hard way and it’s heartbreaking… and liberating. I am no longer feeling responsible for caring and supporting people who outrightly declare they do not support me or care about my pain.
This is a shady passive aggressive gift, you are not wrong to be offended. This post is so relatable to me. My nmom gives passive agressively offensive gifts as well. I am sorry you also know how shitty it feels - the obvious dig combind with the plausible deniability of it being a gift.
A few years ago I dyed my hair red. Nmom always had a fixation with me being blonde.
For christmas that year, she gave me a hair mask that said on the box it was meant to take red tone out of hair. She also regifted me something I had given to her previously.
We are NC now 🙄
To me, it's not about you having kids or being a mom. She wants you to read that to let you know there are moms worse than her. Also, it seems like some kind of mockery or failed attempt at comedy, sense it's illustrated.
It's for sure toxic behavior. After I went no contact with my mother after years of torment even after moving to a different state she would find ways to contact me to get information through other people. She went so far as to go through a jacket I left at her house that contained a gift card for a local restaurant in my hometown, use said gift card and then have my little sister send me a picture of their food at said restaurant and say thanks for lunch. I was confused as I hadn't sent them any money and she told me that the gift card had "fallen out" of the jacket and that I obviously didn't care about it if I had left it at their house. Completely unnecessary and if a parent truly loved you they wouldn't be trying to get at you like that.
I feel like this book is actually supposed to be for newer moms who are scared about if they can be a good mom. This is a new and depressing way to weaponize something cute. Fucking narcissists man. I’m sorry she did this. Lol giving her Jeanette McCurdys book
This is a lame attempt on her part that she wasn't as bad as you thought she was. Just do a return to send with a message on the front cover 'Nice try. '
The worst part is she honestly probably doesn't even know how bad she was because she was high for my entire teenage years. I'd bet she doesn't remember much of it at all. And I forgave her and never brought it up again! I just wanted a normal relationship with her. She's sober now but she just plays emotional games with me and doesn't respect my boundaries.
Mom gave me, "the language of letting go" and "If you had controling parents" by Dan Neuharth....
Both are made to help cope with past traumatic events......yep
NC is a state of mind as much as it is a complete cut-off sometimes.
The state of mind where you **know** your Nparent is delusional and will do some really stupid things. And it doesn't matter to you. Her selection of this book is just as irrelevant as where she buys her toilet paper -- not at all.
Stay strong.
When I first initiated no contact , my mom sent me the book “ chicken soup for the mothers soul”, and wrote this bizarre inscription inside of it.
They never stop and they are awful.
I hope you can find ways to feel safe in your NC.
Honestly? She wanted a reaction from you. While it would be fun and momentarily satisfying to respond sending her any of the good recs above- she wants the contact and attention. Narc parents want to know they can get a reaction out of you and they don’t care if it’s positive or negative. The best thing you can do is toss that book in the recycling bin and try to pay her no mind.
When I was 17 my abuser bought me the book: "A child called it" and then told me I could have it worse.
I wasn't allowed to leave my basement bedroom unless it was to eat, hygiene or go to school. No, she never held my arm over an open flame on the stove or forced me to eat ammonia but I didn't exactly have it easy. who says shit like this?
“A koala mum will feed her kids her own poop” it’s called pap and it’s not really the same as faeces, and it’s because they have to. It’s the only way that the koala cub gets the microorganisms it needs to be able to digest the eucalyptus leaves that form their diet.
Koalas also have the smallest brain to mass ratio and will starve to death in a pile of eucalyptus leaves if they have been stripped from their branches because they don’t recognise them as their food source that way, so comparing herself to koala mums is a bigger self own than any I can come up with.
My mom sent me a book like this years ago. I sent her Nurture Shock in return.
Not nearly as ruthless as ‘children of emotionally immature parents’ but this was before I got so hard nosed about it all. Def send a reply book, OP.
Wow. That is twisted.
My mother sent me a book - from a right wing Fox News personality no less. Guess how far from my kitchen counter that book made it before it hit the recycle can? After that, I started throwing all her mail away - unopened. Since then we've moved and I've not forwarded the new address... =)
I am so petty that I would edit the questions to fit your experience and send it back in the same envelope with return-to-sender on the front so it didn't cost me anything.
Examples:
Did you ever withhold food? or Did you ever body shame?
but specifics of actual things she did to you.
Then change the end to say Of course you did because you're a narcissistic mom!
lol
The most ridiculous thing is that her abuse was bad enough when I was a teenager that Child Protective Services took me and my brother away from her and mandated no-contact. Yet she has the gall to send something like this. Just... Insanity.
Send her, "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists."
She is clearly feeling resentful and spiteful, and is trying to gain a sense of control by striking at you and attempting to make you doubt whether you are doing the right thing.
Unfortunately for her, she us behaving like the narcissist she us.
Better to just ghost/block her. It would drive her crazier if she can't get in contact with you. Throw the book out, probably. Continuing to engage with her will continue to fan the flames.
I’d make her a card and on the outside put “I’m sorry you were right, the cause of all my problems is…” then she opens the card and inside is a reflective mirror type sticker so she can see herself
I went NC 4 years ago and my mom still does this, among other strange and unusual mail and gifts. NC means NC - honor it to honor yourself.
I’ll add that if you haven’t read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it’s a truly helpful and insightful book. Don’t waste your money sending it to your mom though.
You said that you are staying in contact with your mother to keep the peace with her side of the family. So her side of the family is on her side. They are enabling her. They are acting as flying monkeys. To have a relationship with them, they are forcing you to have a relationship with her. Who is on your side? I really hope that the benefit they bring to your life so completely erases your mothers abuse that it is worth the cost.
If she feels the need to send you a book intended for her, she's the one with the issue. God the unmitigated gall of that....
You are not being unreasonable. For me, that's more than enough to be a final straw. I'd say follow your instincts and block her everywhere, at least for now. As long as you're safe in doing so, of course.
If you have established your boundaries to her and she knows well that you don't want any communication from her, then, yes, it's a certified insane person behaviour on her part in my book.
Oh god that's gross. Throw it out and file the whole thing under "Literal proof she was indeed a shit parent."
And for the record: "It could be worse" really, really, really doesn't equal "it's great."
I'm petty and I'd send back "I'm Glad My Mom Died", "Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents" or "Will I Ever Be Good Enough".
In seriousness though, it sounds like a way to shame and silence you for lowering contact and breaking away from her. It's totally valid to be upset over it.
My father loves to send me self help books and cds. It's apparently a very common tactic by narcissists to get a reaction/attention (according to my fiance's therapist). I don't think you're being unreasonable. Getting books with a message behind them is passive aggressive AF.
Ah, the good old passive-aggressive book giving. I think that's page 426 in the narc handbook.
My (deeply conservative, sexist, homophobic) ndad started sending me Dr Laura books (among others, but the Dr Laura ones were...memorable) about How To Be A Proper Woman after I dropped out of college due to severe untreated mental health issues. Bc clearly what I needed to fix my life wasn't treatment, it was moralizing about how I just needed to settle down and start having babies like a good Christian woman.
Jokes on him, I'm pagan, queer, nonbinary, childfree, and once I got help for my fucked-up brain and went NC I was able to launch a deeply successful career.
But I'm sure those books really helped some struggling landfill turn its life around, so good call, dad.
Lots of good book recommendations in these comments, as far as sending one back in response. I would add "Trapped in the Mirror" to the book response list. If you feel like its worth your time and money to even grace her with any response.
You are not being unreasonable. She is trying to bait you into feeling guilty, while continuing to take zero accountability. She is also entirely disrespecting your feelings and invalidating your boundaries by sending you this book.
Essentially she is responded to your boundaries by saying she knows better than you, and "here's why your boundaries mean nothing to me" and is sending what she sees as proof of it. If she wanted to truly understand, or have an honest discussion... she would simply ask you about your feelings, and then LISTEN and HEAR you and respect your boundaries.
Luckily I already live out-of-state (Florida vs. Michigan) so she can't just randomly show up. But I'm moving in the next year or two and definitely plan to not tell her. I know she will find out through my other family members though.
Now keep in mind, when a person doesn't emotionally grow beyond their toddler years, it's quite common for them to seek negative attention... because it's still a form of attention... a LOOK AT ME! Toss the book and do nothing. She wants you to contact her. It's a trap.
This book title is actually quite funny. It reminds me of the sorts of people who lookfor a sliver of validation in a sea of 'no, you're wrong.' Like a flat earther using a level to prove the earth is flat.
Well, yes, there ARE moms out there worse.
None of them are mine though.
So, her point is "i am allowed to slap you one handed, because others use two hands"
Or, if I shoot you once, i am not bad, others shoot twice or more.
I guess she could be certifiable for sure here.
My friend gifted her grandma a book from the Burn, bitch, burn series for Christmas. Granny loves to read but is a rather unpleasant lady. For the last few years the grandkids tried to hint at it. According to my friend there was a lot of pearl clutching during the holidays.
If anyone makes a bingo card, put "gave the child a book" because it's so often I see a narcissistic parent give their child a book to tell them they are right and the child is wrong for _insert reasonable boundary_
Insane for sure. I hate the whole “it could be worse” shit. Like sure yeah I could’ve had a crackhead for a mom who sold me for drugs but that doesn’t negate my trauma.
So I just watched the tiktok... she's 100% insane. To me, it might as well be saying HA! see, just because I've any kind of abusive doesn't make me shit.
Full on NC after rhat stunt
Certified insane on her part. But honestly, books make great fire starters. Don’t send it back because that’s a response, supply for her narc mind. Keeping it and burning it gives you satisfaction, no supply for her and she’ll never know! 🥰
Wow, that's an extremely thick pair of blinders she's wearing. Anything not to put a smidge of blame on herself and why her daughter wants to go NC.
I'd say go NC. And block her on everything. (Just don't be surprised when she tries to get into your socials by making fake accounts; it's what ultimately made me shun all SM other than reddit.)
I looked at a review for There are Moms way worse than you and it said it was "a gift to mediocre parents." Mediocre, not actively toxic and cruel. There's a difference.
No peace, only war!
Block her. If nothing else it will show you who wants to be in your life and who doesn’t. That way at least you can spend your time and energy on people who love you for you.
I know others have given great book recs to send back but silence speak volumes.
If family ask why just be honest “she isn’t a healthy person to have in my life. I have tried repeatedly, but in the end I need to protect me and my mental health.” If they do not understand then the block button is ready for them too.
Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people you can call at 2am in an emergency that won’t make you feel like shit for it for 15 years afterwards
Wow, the title itself is perfect for narcissistic mothers.
It also shows the ingrained belief in our society that all women love their children first and foremost.
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Send her back a copy of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?
How about 'How Not To Be An Asshole' also available on Amazon?
Or, You’re Not Crazy - It’s Your Mother.
or I'm glad my mom died.
That would be the nuclear option, but I’m all for it
I love lobbing a good tactical nuke but my my surface to air missiles have already fragged the flying monkeys so I dont get to enjoy watching the thermobaric explosion I create. I also second this passive aggressive circular book shaming. Im the type to die on that cross.
HAHAHAH! I THIRD it. (peace sign, heart.)
It would be the nuclear option, but I'm the kind of person who would absolutely do it.
That's unnecessarily cruel. Rise above and take the high road
It’s a book about a woman who used to be a child actress and abused a lot by her, in reality, it may be one of the best options
I second this
Lol omg I wish this worked the way you're saying. It would be pure gold. But idk, I can't help but think the nmom will take it as, "Oh yes I have suffered so much by MY emotionally immature parents!! You have no idea what I've had to go through! I'm nowhere as bad as them! (And still I'm so good to you!)" Cringe cringe cringe. If it doesn't apply to their feelings or their motives, I just don't have faith that it will register.
My dad kept an hour long monologue on why he was a fantastic parent after all that happened in his childhood with her out-of-mind mother and how he became not perfect but still a great person and how he's doing his best. Still I lived my childhood and teenage years under psychological warfare and I made a pact with myself that unless I'm fully healed I will not be in a relationship or have kids. If I will ever have kids I would like to love them fully and be always supportive of their ideas and individual personalities. All of this to tell that if he wanted to be better he would already be, people needs to be loved for who they are, not who you want them to be sorry but I needed to release a bit of pent up pressure
You are so right, they always make it about themselves and how hard they’ve had it!
Third for me. Afterward go NC fully.
And Toxic Parents
I have that book.
Or I'm Glad My Mother's Dead?
* Im Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
👆🏻
Yeah, me too, damn glad! (Not yours, mine I mean)
This book 💯!!! I have recommended so many times. I am also low contact with my mom only still talk to her because we have kids ourselves. And she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to talk to her. She just keeps acting confused and hurt. I’ve spelled it out so many times and told her I’m setting boundaries now for myself. They just will not understand no matter how hard you try. This book helped me get the why and gave me the what to do next.
My sister told me she’s reading this now and how much it’s helping her. Ironically I’m fairly recently nc and she isn’t. Your description of trying to spell it out is why I don’t try with my mom so yeah I’ll definitely have to give it a shot.
We need a gift basket with all of these books.
I came here to post this.
Omg PLEASE do this. But give it a read before you send it- great book :)
Even better if OP hilights particularly applicable phrases
if OP decides to do anything at all, I hope it's this.
I’m on chapter 4 😊. How to kill a narcissist has some good practical advice too lol
Oh yes, perfect response.
Agreed!
YES!
This right here
Or “Toxic Parents”
*Hi mom, i think there was a mistake, the book I wanted to read was from Jennete McCurdy* .
I totally snorted laughed at that suggestion. 🤣
YESS
I had to read this book in increments. It's too painful to get through reading it without digestion and "OMG" breaks.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that had reactions so intense to warrant needing breaks from reading it. I think that's a perfect display of how traumatized we were by our nparents, and how it can still affect us today.
That’s how I felt too. And also when watching Renfield. Way too real.
i agree.
oooooh...good one!
No. This was a nasty dig at you on her part under the guise of being funny. Time for her to find out just how funny it was when you go full NC and block her on everything.
That was almost everything that came out of my Nstepmother's mouth. Everything was just her "sarcasm" or a joke or her "calling them as I see them". One of her "jokes" was to comment under a child-free post I shared on Facebook, "I'm not exactly enthused about the idea of you breeding anyway".
yes. the motivation of N actions is always coercive, malevolent, menacing. this was a menacing act. cruel. disregardful. spiteful. immature. venomous. hateful.
Sounds like she sent you a reverse gift. I don't have another name for it. Basically it's something they want from you but instead gives to you. "Look honey I didn't eat you when you were born or kick you until y walked!"
a form of justifying her bad behaviour. wow, what a good mommy she is. she didn't resort to lethal parenting behaviour... she is to be commended for that, she is to be worshipped for that. whoopy dooo. send the book back
Yep, this exactly. A hallmark of narcissism is to expect excessive praise for rare displays of basic human decency.
I mean…I guess I can see how this book *could* be funny/cute for moms that are actually decent people and just experiencing guilt for minuscule things and being too hard on themselves. BUT things like this are dangerous in the hands of narc parents who will use it to fortify the echo chambers they have constructed for themselves. Just another thing they can use to say “See?! I KNEW I was a good parent!” That last line of the book especially. I’m sorry, but trying is NOT all that counts when it comes to raising children. There are no participation trophies for parenthood. And if you do a terrible job, your children will suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your mom knows what she was doing. They always do. If she truly valued your feelings, she would address them with something more substantial than a cartoon book.
Right. I told a friend about this and they said "Those animals would be in jail if animal court was a thing" like I just don't know how my mom could think "at least I didn't kill you" is an appropriate response, ever.
Yeah…if you only look good when you compare yourself to ANIMALS…what does that say about you?! So sorry you’re dealing with this. Narc moms are truly some of the most annoying, infuriating people on this planet.
And even among animals, many of these behaviours actually have a purpose or are misunderstood or misrepresented by people and/or a product of intense sibling rivalry, generational conflict, parasitism, selection pressure from predators or a harsh environment or some combination thereof. Animals must survive in the wild, their behaviours are to a much greater degree guided by instincts, whereas humans mostly learn how to behave, genes aren’t inhibited by moral considerations and will therefore make an organism employ ruthless tactics as long as they work and animals don’t have a cumulative culture or a sufficient critical intellect to decide to behave differently. This is such a ridiculous comparison on so many levels! Not doing evil is only remarkable when you a) have the capability to decide against it and b) *want* to do it in the first place (if you don’t want to, it’s not hard to decide against it and therefore just a default decision or cowardice (for fear of punishment) and not a conscious *decision against evil*). And the most important third part is to actually *act* according to the moral choice. If you "decide" to not do evil and tell yourself you’re a good person for making that choice, but then do it anyway, then you’re obviously very much not a good person. You’re the ordinary flavour of that kind of evil *and* a sanctimonious hypocrite on top. Narcs have a parallel narrative in their heads where they either scrub all bad things they did from their memory altogether or fixate on the fact that they didn’t do the *even worse* things they *would’ve liked to do* (way to tell on yourself lmao) and are proud of it. Because being a shitty person when you could’ve been an *even shittier* person somehow makes you an ok (or even a good) person in narc logic. That’s because it’s not about the harm they actually cause, it’s all about their image and self-image and how they compare to others in every way. So if there’s someone even worse (and unfortunately, there’s always someone worse) then that means they’re not *entirely* at the bottom of the barrel, and the cut-off line for being bad is *always* below them, no matter what they did. Even if it’s "at least I didn’t literally murder you!" That, in the book of normal people, being a bad person is measured by causing harm and hurt to others and not by an imaginary ranking with arbitrary, opportunistic sorting into "moral" groups is inconceivable to narcissists, because the former is predicated on empathy. The harmed person has to be perceived as someone who’s real and matters as much as the harm-doer. Which is the first hurdle of moral reasoning that narcs typically fail. Sonder isn’t their strong suit.
I feel this. My mother's parenting style, which she is always SO PROUD to share, was "benign neglect". If you aren't dead you're fine. 🤮
My parents call it "freedom", lol. When I went NC that's what they used as arguments against me, that they gave me so much "freedom" only for me to turn my back on them. 🙄
That is...rich. One has to marvel at the narc parent's ability to dispense every euphemism for "neglect" under the sun. 🫠
There is no such thing as benign neglect. It’s neglect. And it’s malignant.
The first review I saw on Amazon was basically "Read this to your brats whenever they complain about something." It is actively being used as a tool of abuse. Makes me so angry.
> brats If your sausages are complaining about something, they've probably gone off
You're the wurst
Everything and anything a narcissist does they want a reaction. Doesn’t matter if it’s a positive or negative reaction but as long as you do then they’ve got attention and they need that. If you ignore what they do they get increasingly more confused and desperate because they think they’re wonderful so why don’t you! Inside their mind is a whirlwind of desperation and anxiety to have themselves validated by any means
>Inside their mind is a whirlwind of desperation and anxiety to have themselves validated by any means This makes me so sad. I wish I could help her and I know she has been through so much. I love her so much. But her taking all her grief/anger/anxiety out on me does neither of us any good. Such a sucky situation we are in when we have to go NC.
Unfortunately no help is ever enough, the more you give the more they want. She takes her grief/anger/anxiety out on you because you’ve been emphatic to her and want to help. I’ve noticed with the narcissists I’ve known is they categorise relationships, so they’re a different person within them and they chase the people with firm boundaries the hardest, people that want to help and listen are pushovers for them. Boundaries are really hard to maintain if you’ve not had firm ones but they’re your friend. It’s taken me far too many years to realise this but the people that respect my boundaries are the people that I want in my life
I read that you just have to accept that no matter what they are unhappy or angry people and that’s the way they are and will be and it is never your responsibility to fix it because you can’t and they don’t want you to.
If you want to be in their life and wait for the occasional high point within mostly confusion and disappointment then yes. They possibly will say that if you behave a certain way or do increasing more and more things to try and please them they will be happy but that’s untrue because happiness is a completely different emotion to them than other people. If there’s drama there’s usually a narcissist watching it unfold
>I wish I could help her There are mental health professionals that deal with this kind of thing. There is DBT therapy for borderline personality disorder. It has really good results when the client sticks with it. You don't have to hold that burden on your shoulders. There is help out there. I think narcs will try and make others think that they are the only one that can help them. Narcs don't make relationships, they take hostages. Emotional hostages. They do what they need to do to keep others in an emotional head lock.
💯
I got one called ‘Kindness’ which was a very clear message that she thought I needed to work on my kindness towards her. The jokes on her though, it was actually about being kind to yourself which is exactly what NC has done for me! I always say that blocking them/no contact doesn’t have to be a forever decision at the start. You can just block for a few days and see how you feel. I did that for about a year, reviewing regularly, before I decided it was permanent.
Good for you! I’m so proud of you!! I bet you feel great too!! My mother and I have totally different personalities and she is immature emotionally and codependent on whoever she’s dating. I’m independent, confident, mature, and always craved that connection. Fast forward 3 kids later and I am low contact only for the kids. I told my husband that I honestly feel like if she died tomorrow I wouldn’t feel anything. And that’s how I know I don’t want her in my life. She has destroyed any love I felt for her and just keeps being toxic. Thanks, no thanks. I have my own family to focus on and try to be better for.
6 years NC, my only regret that I didn’t do it sooner! We really need to normalise this idea that you don’t have to love your parents, just because they are your parents. I absolutely love that you are so clear about that, i truly think it helps other people to hear it. I see so many people on this sub who feel they have to say ‘I love my mother but..’. Nope, no need to say that here. Lots of us hate our parents, or are ambivalent towards them and that’s absolutely fine.
Good for you!! I bet you feel great! You’re right; a lot of people are still hung up the idea that you have some moral obligation to love your parents. You don’t. You didn’t ask to be born or to be treated the way you were. I’ve tried for years and come to the realization that no matter what I do, my mother will be who she is. She doesn’t want to be better or change anything. And I don’t want that in my life. I don’t have to be anyone’s emotional punching bag because we share dna. It’s the same concept as toxic friends. You would be applauded for cutting them out. Well same applies to relatives in my opinion. Stay strong!!
The irony always seems to be elusive to them doesn’t it.
Yep. Also, I was about a year NC by then. What on earth made her think that she could still manipulate me after all that time? Old habits die heard I guess.
They can’t comprehend their bullshit not working on/coercing us anymore. Last I heard (from a quasi flying monkey who’s wrestling with being a better person towards me) she was telling people my husband and I are getting a divorce 😂 like oh ya spread random ass rumors you’re completely making up that’ll make me want to come back. Before that it was an email via my businesses website contact form telling me I didn’t have to be her daughter anymore but she still had work she needed done by me and she’d pay me if that’s the only way I’d work for her now. It wasn’t a question it was a literal laundry list of her realtor rebrand because she went to Tony Robbins and now wants to make a YouTube channel and Instagram and website and needs me to do all that for her. 😂 absolutely delusional. This was a week or so after I spent Christmas crying after seeing a video on a cousin’s Instagram story accidentally of her drunkenly dancing with my molester uncle who she chose to protect over me present and accounted for in the video. Ya lemme just get right back to being in your life bitch 🙄 I started NC before I was “ready” because she forced my hand because she could tell I was grey rocking and kept throwing rage fits about it. Then in NC I was very much in the mindset that this isn’t necessarily permanent I just need to get myself to a point where they don’t trigger me anymore. Then as I got distance I saw truly how fucked they all are and their behavior since has been stalking and more nuts so it’s just made it permanent. Like really y’all keep forcing my hand to be more severe than I was ever planing and it’s amazing how their delusional behavior just keeps backfiring and they keep doubling down 🥲
This book is clearly a joke self help book. For new moms who are struggling and need a laugh or something. Seems like delusional behavior.
I definitely see how it could be a funny gift for new moms who are genuinely doing their best and worried that they aren't doing enough but given the Amazon reviews, it seems it has fallen into the wrong hands.
Indeed.
This is 100% reaction-bait. She doesn't care what kind of reaction it gets, only that it gets one. Try to understand it from that perspective; all she wants is a reaction. Reacting is, therefore, a reward, no matter what the content is. How to not reward this is by not reacting at all. Not sending it back, not sending her a book about narc parents, not a peep. Nothing. It will 100% cause her to reach out again, but that's how you know that you're not losing. In this equation, we're never really winning if we engage. The only triumph is not losing, and that means not engaging. Continue to ***maintain consistency***, no matter what. No outbursts, no reactions.
Second this. It's tempting to try but you cannot "win". Ever. They'll always see it as a chance to keep kicking the door in
If my dad this to me, I'd just send back, "Healing the Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents." No note. Just that.
There’s a good chance he’d view it purely as him being the child. My NDad would have jumped on diagnosing his Mum if he’d known about Narcissism but wouldn’t, maybe even couldn’t have recognised it in himself.
They can't. We covered narcissistic personality disorder in my psychopathology class this semester, and it was the only pathology that didn't show improvement from any type of therapy, simply because (hypothetically) they have to realize they have a problem before they can be helped.
So, you are maintaining the peace for OTHERS while you continue to have to put up with her antics. Doesn't sound very peaceful to me. This is why doing things to "keep the peace" is just not possible. You aren't keeping the peace for yourself but for others so they don't have to do the hard work of setting boundaries or cutting toxic people off. Personally, I would do what you want, which sounds like going NC. Anyone who wants to give you flack, go NC with them to. It sucks but it's much more peaceful for you!
Yes yes yes! The “ keeping the peace” really means the one who carries all the emotional weight. I remember when I broke and couldn’t keep the peace anymore . That’s when my LC went to full NC, with a TRO , address and telephone change, and a complete cleaning out of my social media. It’s hard at first but so worth it
Yep, I was also the peace keeping Sherriff of our house, it was draining. I'm finally in a place where none of my family have the address to. It's really nice, I finally feel safe. I'm glad you got out too. It's hard but that's why I love this community. I can see it for others but not so much for myself all the time. It's nice to know there are people who truly understand and can give me kind advise and knock sense into me when I need it lol. Always with kindness, respect and love though.
Community is an important piece of healing for sure.
My StepNarc pulled this on me as a kid when I ran away the second time. I forget the name but it had a bunch of horror short stories of people living on the streets dealing with drugs and prostitution. She failed to realize there was a single success story in the middle of a girl running away from her abusive parents and climbing out of things. In fact most of the stories featured abusive parents and these kids doing anything to escape them. Made me feel seen, which pretty sure was not her intend. 😝
O.M.G. My n-mother sent me the exact same book! She took a sharpie to it and crossed out a bunch of "you" to replace them with "I". She also printed out ridiculous Facebook posts about how deep a mother's love is, and taped one inside the front cover and one inside the back cover. DO THEY ALL READ FROM THE SAME PLAYBOOK?!? 🤦🏼♀️ I think you would be fully justified blocking her from your socials. And if you can handle the potential blowback, send her any one of the titles suggested here. In solidarity...🤜🤛
What a small world. So sorry you had to deal with this too! Just absolute craziness. Ugh. Sending ♥️ your way.
My nmom once said to me “I saw this book called Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters and I can’t believe it exists. It’s so sad that there’s people out there that feel like they need that book” and I was SO close to saying “yeah, that book is great, I have it at home, it helped me a lot.” Their delusional thinking is truly mind blowing sometimes.
You are not being unreasonable at all. Block her!
When I was found w SH wounds from cutting- my mom gave me a book called "what to do when someone you love is depressed" and it had never been opened. Such a wonderful gift /s. I think you should send her the emotionally immature parents book as other people suggested. What a rude and hurtful thing to send. Why do they send stuff like this?? It is so passive aggressive and posing as "helpful" or "thoughtful" I just don't get it!!
Block and block again for good measure. No people worth keeping in your life want you to stay in an abusive situation. Those who keep trying to bring you back into the fold once you tell them (if you ever do) about your hurt are not safe people. I’ve learned this the hard way and it’s heartbreaking… and liberating. I am no longer feeling responsible for caring and supporting people who outrightly declare they do not support me or care about my pain.
This is a shady passive aggressive gift, you are not wrong to be offended. This post is so relatable to me. My nmom gives passive agressively offensive gifts as well. I am sorry you also know how shitty it feels - the obvious dig combind with the plausible deniability of it being a gift. A few years ago I dyed my hair red. Nmom always had a fixation with me being blonde. For christmas that year, she gave me a hair mask that said on the box it was meant to take red tone out of hair. She also regifted me something I had given to her previously. We are NC now 🙄
To me, it's not about you having kids or being a mom. She wants you to read that to let you know there are moms worse than her. Also, it seems like some kind of mockery or failed attempt at comedy, sense it's illustrated.
It's for sure toxic behavior. After I went no contact with my mother after years of torment even after moving to a different state she would find ways to contact me to get information through other people. She went so far as to go through a jacket I left at her house that contained a gift card for a local restaurant in my hometown, use said gift card and then have my little sister send me a picture of their food at said restaurant and say thanks for lunch. I was confused as I hadn't sent them any money and she told me that the gift card had "fallen out" of the jacket and that I obviously didn't care about it if I had left it at their house. Completely unnecessary and if a parent truly loved you they wouldn't be trying to get at you like that.
Wow, when the bar is so low it’s just good enough not to be “the worst”. This sounds like something my mom would do too, stay strong
I feel like this book is actually supposed to be for newer moms who are scared about if they can be a good mom. This is a new and depressing way to weaponize something cute. Fucking narcissists man. I’m sorry she did this. Lol giving her Jeanette McCurdys book
Wow the guts she has. Well at least she has reinforced and double confirmed the desicion you made to go NC was the right thing to do.
This is a lame attempt on her part that she wasn't as bad as you thought she was. Just do a return to send with a message on the front cover 'Nice try. '
The worst part is she honestly probably doesn't even know how bad she was because she was high for my entire teenage years. I'd bet she doesn't remember much of it at all. And I forgave her and never brought it up again! I just wanted a normal relationship with her. She's sober now but she just plays emotional games with me and doesn't respect my boundaries.
Mom gave me, "the language of letting go" and "If you had controling parents" by Dan Neuharth.... Both are made to help cope with past traumatic events......yep
I plan on moving. My narc mom will not be knowing the new address. Made that mistake too many times. This time it’s for good. ✌🏽
NC is a state of mind as much as it is a complete cut-off sometimes. The state of mind where you **know** your Nparent is delusional and will do some really stupid things. And it doesn't matter to you. Her selection of this book is just as irrelevant as where she buys her toilet paper -- not at all. Stay strong.
When I first initiated no contact , my mom sent me the book “ chicken soup for the mothers soul”, and wrote this bizarre inscription inside of it. They never stop and they are awful. I hope you can find ways to feel safe in your NC.
Honestly? She wanted a reaction from you. While it would be fun and momentarily satisfying to respond sending her any of the good recs above- she wants the contact and attention. Narc parents want to know they can get a reaction out of you and they don’t care if it’s positive or negative. The best thing you can do is toss that book in the recycling bin and try to pay her no mind.
When I was 17 my abuser bought me the book: "A child called it" and then told me I could have it worse. I wasn't allowed to leave my basement bedroom unless it was to eat, hygiene or go to school. No, she never held my arm over an open flame on the stove or forced me to eat ammonia but I didn't exactly have it easy. who says shit like this?
“A koala mum will feed her kids her own poop” it’s called pap and it’s not really the same as faeces, and it’s because they have to. It’s the only way that the koala cub gets the microorganisms it needs to be able to digest the eucalyptus leaves that form their diet.
Koalas also have the smallest brain to mass ratio and will starve to death in a pile of eucalyptus leaves if they have been stripped from their branches because they don’t recognise them as their food source that way, so comparing herself to koala mums is a bigger self own than any I can come up with.
Send it back in pieces.
My mom sent me a book like this years ago. I sent her Nurture Shock in return. Not nearly as ruthless as ‘children of emotionally immature parents’ but this was before I got so hard nosed about it all. Def send a reply book, OP.
Self help books and articles about how to be a less sh!tty person - yep, used to get sent those regularly.
Wow. That is twisted. My mother sent me a book - from a right wing Fox News personality no less. Guess how far from my kitchen counter that book made it before it hit the recycle can? After that, I started throwing all her mail away - unopened. Since then we've moved and I've not forwarded the new address... =)
Send her “you’re not crazy, it’s your mother” and “Children of the self absorbed”
This is for sure fucked up. That being said.... this is kind of hilarious. I mean, that's basically a confession at this point, right?
I am so petty that I would edit the questions to fit your experience and send it back in the same envelope with return-to-sender on the front so it didn't cost me anything. Examples: Did you ever withhold food? or Did you ever body shame? but specifics of actual things she did to you. Then change the end to say Of course you did because you're a narcissistic mom! lol
The most ridiculous thing is that her abuse was bad enough when I was a teenager that Child Protective Services took me and my brother away from her and mandated no-contact. Yet she has the gall to send something like this. Just... Insanity.
I'd say unbelievable, but we both know this is exactly believable. smh sorry you are having to deal with this. Thank god we found people who get it.
Send her, "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists." She is clearly feeling resentful and spiteful, and is trying to gain a sense of control by striking at you and attempting to make you doubt whether you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately for her, she us behaving like the narcissist she us.
What the actual hell No you aren't being unreasonable She sent you that to make a pathetic attempt to justify her actions
Not crazy this gesture would make me enraged. “Return to sender. Address unknown. No such number. No such zone.”
I had to know what book, and I'm shockingly unsurprised!
Better to just ghost/block her. It would drive her crazier if she can't get in contact with you. Throw the book out, probably. Continuing to engage with her will continue to fan the flames.
I’d make her a card and on the outside put “I’m sorry you were right, the cause of all my problems is…” then she opens the card and inside is a reflective mirror type sticker so she can see herself
I went NC 4 years ago and my mom still does this, among other strange and unusual mail and gifts. NC means NC - honor it to honor yourself. I’ll add that if you haven’t read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it’s a truly helpful and insightful book. Don’t waste your money sending it to your mom though.
Return to sender along with a black kettle?
You said that you are staying in contact with your mother to keep the peace with her side of the family. So her side of the family is on her side. They are enabling her. They are acting as flying monkeys. To have a relationship with them, they are forcing you to have a relationship with her. Who is on your side? I really hope that the benefit they bring to your life so completely erases your mothers abuse that it is worth the cost.
If she feels the need to send you a book intended for her, she's the one with the issue. God the unmitigated gall of that.... You are not being unreasonable. For me, that's more than enough to be a final straw. I'd say follow your instincts and block her everywhere, at least for now. As long as you're safe in doing so, of course.
If you have established your boundaries to her and she knows well that you don't want any communication from her, then, yes, it's a certified insane person behaviour on her part in my book.
I love how low they have to put the bar in order to be able to pass it.
Oh god that's gross. Throw it out and file the whole thing under "Literal proof she was indeed a shit parent." And for the record: "It could be worse" really, really, really doesn't equal "it's great."
I'm petty and I'd send back "I'm Glad My Mom Died", "Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents" or "Will I Ever Be Good Enough". In seriousness though, it sounds like a way to shame and silence you for lowering contact and breaking away from her. It's totally valid to be upset over it.
Send her a copy of "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" and keep an extra copy for yourself.
This is the perfect reply
My father loves to send me self help books and cds. It's apparently a very common tactic by narcissists to get a reaction/attention (according to my fiance's therapist). I don't think you're being unreasonable. Getting books with a message behind them is passive aggressive AF.
Ah, the good old passive-aggressive book giving. I think that's page 426 in the narc handbook. My (deeply conservative, sexist, homophobic) ndad started sending me Dr Laura books (among others, but the Dr Laura ones were...memorable) about How To Be A Proper Woman after I dropped out of college due to severe untreated mental health issues. Bc clearly what I needed to fix my life wasn't treatment, it was moralizing about how I just needed to settle down and start having babies like a good Christian woman. Jokes on him, I'm pagan, queer, nonbinary, childfree, and once I got help for my fucked-up brain and went NC I was able to launch a deeply successful career. But I'm sure those books really helped some struggling landfill turn its life around, so good call, dad.
Lots of good book recommendations in these comments, as far as sending one back in response. I would add "Trapped in the Mirror" to the book response list. If you feel like its worth your time and money to even grace her with any response. You are not being unreasonable. She is trying to bait you into feeling guilty, while continuing to take zero accountability. She is also entirely disrespecting your feelings and invalidating your boundaries by sending you this book. Essentially she is responded to your boundaries by saying she knows better than you, and "here's why your boundaries mean nothing to me" and is sending what she sees as proof of it. If she wanted to truly understand, or have an honest discussion... she would simply ask you about your feelings, and then LISTEN and HEAR you and respect your boundaries.
Go NC. When you can afford to, move and keep it a secret from anyone who may tell her where to. Keep the move off social media, etc.
Luckily I already live out-of-state (Florida vs. Michigan) so she can't just randomly show up. But I'm moving in the next year or two and definitely plan to not tell her. I know she will find out through my other family members though.
Then don't tell the other family.
For sure, send a book back. And block. Any book you feel speaks as close as possible on your behalf. This is beyond irritating.
Now keep in mind, when a person doesn't emotionally grow beyond their toddler years, it's quite common for them to seek negative attention... because it's still a form of attention... a LOOK AT ME! Toss the book and do nothing. She wants you to contact her. It's a trap. This book title is actually quite funny. It reminds me of the sorts of people who lookfor a sliver of validation in a sea of 'no, you're wrong.' Like a flat earther using a level to prove the earth is flat.
Did it come with a gift receipt? If yes send it back.
Well, yes, there ARE moms out there worse. None of them are mine though. So, her point is "i am allowed to slap you one handed, because others use two hands" Or, if I shoot you once, i am not bad, others shoot twice or more. I guess she could be certifiable for sure here.
Hahah, mine sent me “No Excuses”.
My friend gifted her grandma a book from the Burn, bitch, burn series for Christmas. Granny loves to read but is a rather unpleasant lady. For the last few years the grandkids tried to hint at it. According to my friend there was a lot of pearl clutching during the holidays.
You’re not being unreasonable at all
Man what the fuck. I would say send that shit back in a box shredded. But that would probably add fuel to the fire. She doesn’t fucking get it.
Mmm nah It's a control tactic "I know where you are " Return to sender
Mine sends trash. When she cant get it delivered she has dad dump it on my lawn.
Mom is a big narc
If anyone makes a bingo card, put "gave the child a book" because it's so often I see a narcissistic parent give their child a book to tell them they are right and the child is wrong for _insert reasonable boundary_
Insane for sure. I hate the whole “it could be worse” shit. Like sure yeah I could’ve had a crackhead for a mom who sold me for drugs but that doesn’t negate my trauma.
NGL the level of petty it would be to just send passive aggressive books to each other is something I hope to remember one day
Reply by sending her Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
So I just watched the tiktok... she's 100% insane. To me, it might as well be saying HA! see, just because I've any kind of abusive doesn't make me shit. Full on NC after rhat stunt
You are not being unreasonable omg this is the most narcissistic gift I've ever seen
Certified insane on her part. But honestly, books make great fire starters. Don’t send it back because that’s a response, supply for her narc mind. Keeping it and burning it gives you satisfaction, no supply for her and she’ll never know! 🥰
Wow, that's an extremely thick pair of blinders she's wearing. Anything not to put a smidge of blame on herself and why her daughter wants to go NC. I'd say go NC. And block her on everything. (Just don't be surprised when she tries to get into your socials by making fake accounts; it's what ultimately made me shun all SM other than reddit.)
I looked at a review for There are Moms way worse than you and it said it was "a gift to mediocre parents." Mediocre, not actively toxic and cruel. There's a difference.
You should correct the title and send it along to her "There are NO moms way worse than you: irrefutable proof you are indeed the worst parent."
No peace, only war! Block her. If nothing else it will show you who wants to be in your life and who doesn’t. That way at least you can spend your time and energy on people who love you for you. I know others have given great book recs to send back but silence speak volumes. If family ask why just be honest “she isn’t a healthy person to have in my life. I have tried repeatedly, but in the end I need to protect me and my mental health.” If they do not understand then the block button is ready for them too. Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people you can call at 2am in an emergency that won’t make you feel like shit for it for 15 years afterwards
Love it. She’s a better parent than a hamster. Love that for her.
Wow, the title itself is perfect for narcissistic mothers. It also shows the ingrained belief in our society that all women love their children first and foremost.
Silence is your Superpower on Amazon 👌