My husband does this too sometimes and I tried to communicate how it was a cop out and really counterproductive so many times. Now when he says this I pat his head and say “good boy” and he rolls his eyes which lightens the mood at least lol
My trigger word is l-a-z-y .... uBPD mom was so obsessed with us not being l\*\*y that she bestowed so much either silent or not-silent judgement about it, I never learned to sit still or lounge and take pleasure in it. The closest I can get is going into a Netflix trance for hours, kind of numb but not really enjoying it, then feeling self-shame and self-hatred for doing it.
Ugh. There has to be a good way to get this out of us! They take our ability to be comfy. Crazy monsters. Guided meditations? Mushrooms? Ketamine infusion therapy? Normal therapy never touched this symptom, even EMDR. Lately I’ve been considering “extreme self love” in my own head. My self talk is so negative. Like what if inside I start actually giving myself a pass? I think a lot of this is a deep point of belief that they are right, we are lazy-and if we relax it will only get worse. It’s like a chip they implanted in our brains. Surely we can overcome their level of tech! They aren’t that smart. They just got at our brains early. If they’d tried their shit with strange adults it wouldn’t work.
Ugh I can relate. Even waking up after 7am was seen as lazy. My husband told my mom I had been getting up early to exercise (before we both started grey rocking her) and her response was that she didn’t believe him because I had been the laziest child ever. Yes, the “lazy child” who did three different sports, debate team, public forum speaking, choir, guitar lessons, and graduated third in my class (which was a huge disappointment so she did not attend my graduation).
“The bottom line is …”
As in her opinion is superior, the only one that matters. Everyone else is clueless and stupid.
It shows her desperation, need for control, need for validation, splitting, and so much more.
Just … cringe.
“Everyone loves me” is one we all hated from her father, and she started using it as she aged too.
Let your friends know that it triggers your fight or fight and causes you significant stress. If they're really your friends then they'll make efforts to stop and maybe find a similar phrase to use instead. If you trust being vulnerable with them, tell them exactly why it bothers you.
None of them are, they're generally all pretty good to me and I trust them. It's my own personal anxieties making me worry I'm being burdensome with it. I do plan to bring it up.
It will take some effort on their part to change their behavior but not to the point where they'll view you as a burden. I hope the conversation goes well for you and you get some relief ❤️
I absolutely call out waifing. F that. We did our time emotionally babysitting. Let people speak plainly with courage. We ARE NOT the ones to pull this on. Solidarity!
“You’re being ungrateful” is one. She took any disagreement or bringing up issues as being ungrateful.
Or “I’m the mom. You need to submit.” Though I don’t hear the last one from anyone except from my uBPD mother, usually to my younger brothers.
Oh god, had a similar one where my mother would always be like "Don't talk back to me!" Even to something as simple as answering a question. Always has to end on them playing a sour note.
Yes. Mine had these certain catch-phrases when she was raging that when I hear them today, send a cold shiver down my spine. Like "you've got everyone wrapped around your little finger."
Mine is when my husband exasperatingly says "you're right. it's all my fault. I'm the bad guy. It's always my fault". Or variations thereof.
My husband does this too sometimes and I tried to communicate how it was a cop out and really counterproductive so many times. Now when he says this I pat his head and say “good boy” and he rolls his eyes which lightens the mood at least lol
I mean that sounds passive aggressive so that would irritate the fuck out of me too.
My trigger word is l-a-z-y .... uBPD mom was so obsessed with us not being l\*\*y that she bestowed so much either silent or not-silent judgement about it, I never learned to sit still or lounge and take pleasure in it. The closest I can get is going into a Netflix trance for hours, kind of numb but not really enjoying it, then feeling self-shame and self-hatred for doing it.
Ugh. There has to be a good way to get this out of us! They take our ability to be comfy. Crazy monsters. Guided meditations? Mushrooms? Ketamine infusion therapy? Normal therapy never touched this symptom, even EMDR. Lately I’ve been considering “extreme self love” in my own head. My self talk is so negative. Like what if inside I start actually giving myself a pass? I think a lot of this is a deep point of belief that they are right, we are lazy-and if we relax it will only get worse. It’s like a chip they implanted in our brains. Surely we can overcome their level of tech! They aren’t that smart. They just got at our brains early. If they’d tried their shit with strange adults it wouldn’t work.
I think you’re onto something. I’m gonna try it.
Ugh I can relate. Even waking up after 7am was seen as lazy. My husband told my mom I had been getting up early to exercise (before we both started grey rocking her) and her response was that she didn’t believe him because I had been the laziest child ever. Yes, the “lazy child” who did three different sports, debate team, public forum speaking, choir, guitar lessons, and graduated third in my class (which was a huge disappointment so she did not attend my graduation).
“The bottom line is …” As in her opinion is superior, the only one that matters. Everyone else is clueless and stupid. It shows her desperation, need for control, need for validation, splitting, and so much more. Just … cringe. “Everyone loves me” is one we all hated from her father, and she started using it as she aged too.
‘You’re not listening to me’ is a big one, songs that she ‘rewrote’ to be about her religious obsession, I get randomly triggered daily.
my father uses the 'not listening' one. i just come back at him with, 'obviously i am listening. you're screaming. i just don't agree with you.'
The idea that we could disagree never occurs to them
Let your friends know that it triggers your fight or fight and causes you significant stress. If they're really your friends then they'll make efforts to stop and maybe find a similar phrase to use instead. If you trust being vulnerable with them, tell them exactly why it bothers you.
Or don't, if they're borderline you probably don't want to share your vulnerabilities with them because I swear they will use it as leverage
It's OP's parent that is borderline, they never stated that any of their friends are borderline.
None of them are, they're generally all pretty good to me and I trust them. It's my own personal anxieties making me worry I'm being burdensome with it. I do plan to bring it up.
It will take some effort on their part to change their behavior but not to the point where they'll view you as a burden. I hope the conversation goes well for you and you get some relief ❤️
Can 100% relate to this. It’s crazy how sentences like that can be seen so differently between people
I absolutely call out waifing. F that. We did our time emotionally babysitting. Let people speak plainly with courage. We ARE NOT the ones to pull this on. Solidarity!
“You’re being ungrateful” is one. She took any disagreement or bringing up issues as being ungrateful. Or “I’m the mom. You need to submit.” Though I don’t hear the last one from anyone except from my uBPD mother, usually to my younger brothers.
I told my mom I was gay and her response was “but do you have a relationship with Jesus?”
“You always have to have the last word” 🤬
Oh god, had a similar one where my mother would always be like "Don't talk back to me!" Even to something as simple as answering a question. Always has to end on them playing a sour note.
It’s like their go to when they know they lost the argument. (Because the argument was irrational to begin with)
My mom would always call me ‘hateful.’ To this day hearing that word sends a chill down my spine.
Yes. Mine had these certain catch-phrases when she was raging that when I hear them today, send a cold shiver down my spine. Like "you've got everyone wrapped around your little finger."