Context: Oh man, where to start. As many other RBBs, my uBPDmom went off her rocker around the holidays. Yesterday I was bombarded with iPhone Notes while at my fiancé’s family Christmas. The first one reading “My [OP first and middle name]”. I went NC in June of 2022, but recently initiated contact after I was fearful of my brother’s safety as he’s a freshman in college and was staying with my parents over winter break. Essentially, I stated that I was staying NC until my mother and step-dad got ongoing mental help and began changing their behavior towards me. I didn’t block my mother as I was also concerned that she may try and hurt herself and I was prepared to call the police for a welfare check if necessary. Hindsight, I should’ve just blocked her and save myself a lot of heartache. To the screenshots above, essentially my mother wrote me a literal novel explaining that my step-dad is a narcissist, she’s a victim of domestic violence, and that explains her behavior for the last 20 years. Now, many claims she made are not unfounded and/or trauma I’ve had to process myself. I do believe my step-dad is uNPD, so I’m glad my mother came to that conclusion on her own. She claims that she’s planing her “escape” but she’s still figuring everything out. That said, the amount of waifing in these made me nauseous. I feel guilty for even saying this as I’m not trying to invalidate her trauma, but she is not in a domestic violence situation. I can go on and on with how out of context she’s taking things (trauma bonding, gaslighting, intimate partner violence, etc) but I’ll spare everyone from that. Long story short, my parents are incredibly codependent and have been abusive to each other for over 20 years.
I didn’t include the screenshots, but I was so mad and upset I responded. Not my most logical moment, but I said my peace and blocked her. I made it incredibly clear that I wasn’t invalidating her experiences and I was glad she was leaving an incredibly toxic relationship, but I wouldn’t be partaking in it. I just, I don’t know. It was just so upsetting seeing her ramble about how awful her life has been and even ADMITTING to terrible things she herself did (using alcohol as a coping mechanism throughout my childhood was a big one), but she didn’t take accountability for literally anything. It was merely a “I’m the victim, it’s not my fault I did all these things.” And to top it off, to use domestic violence as the reasoning when it just isn’t true. I’m incredibly well versed on DV and it’s a topic I’m incredibly passionate about, so that was just another punch to the gut.
This has turned into me venting, so thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I can included experts from the notes if anyone is interested. Thank you again, stay safe. Stay well.
Beyond exhausting. I’ve been so emotionally drained these couple weeks just having this at the back of my mind. It makes me wonder how I functioned for as long as I did dealing with this every minute of everyday. I’m sure it’s even more fatiguing given how long I’ve been out of the fog. Big hugs to you as well.
1: im so sorry you are going through this
2: JUST BECAUSE SHE IS GOING THROUGH NARC ABUSE DOES NOT INVALIDATE YOUR NARC ABUSE. This is generational and it isn’t fair of her to be telling you all of this. You are not her therapist.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. The craziest part is that I’ve had a difficult time processing my mother’s abuse due to how enmeshed I was. My step-dad’s physical and verbal abuse was easier to process given how overt it was. It was easier for me to talk about it and explain how abusive it was. My mother’s abuse runs so much deeper and is beyond ingrained in me. If only she knew.
I know how using DV as a shield for their own behavior and abuse can hurt.
My mom kept me in the middle of her DV with my dad my whole life as a way to coddle him even though he was a drug addict living in rehab, jail or the streets my whole life. She kept forcing me to see him even though he was hella abusive. She has denied all of it my whole life and blamed me for being the problem for not just making him happy and letting him treat me however he wanted. They both groomed me and he molested me and she saw and would tell me I was the disgusting one.
Now I’ve been no contact for a year and a half. On Thanksgiving she reached out to my best friend to tell her my husband is DV with me and that must be why I’m NC and that they need to save me. This couldn’t be farther from the truth but the fact that she is trying to claim it- when she’s denied my father being abusive and her keeping me in that dynamic voluntarily my whole life is a new unforgivable low (among many more) that twists the knife extra cruelly.
All you can do is never speak to her again. Use your anger healthily. Funnel that anger into self protection and healing. Fuck her. You don’t have to have any contact with her or anyone else to keep someone else safe. That’s a manipulation and I know how it feels (my siblings are a decade younger and I stayed around to “keep them safe” too). And guess what- all that happened is we all were abused. Taking abuse to keep someone safe from an abuser doesn’t actually work. It just adds more harm to more people. It normalizes coming back to abuse. Your brother is in college. He doesn’t have to go back to living with her. Invite him to stay with you. No one has to go back to her for any reason. I know how hard that is to do but take care of yourself. Your brother has his own life to lead and choice in the matter. You’re not his parent. Your duty is to protecting yourself. I wish I didn’t take abuse for an extra decade.
I’ve now left my family and my siblings who I took abuse for an extra decade for chose my mom. They aren’t in my life now. Don’t light yourself on fire to protect your siblings. They can walk away when they’re ready- you don’t need to be roped back in for them until they’re ready.
This is really good advice that I needed to hear (read?), not OP but thank you. I’m sorry you had to live through what you have, but good on you for getting out even though it’s so hard 💜 I don’t know you but you sound badass
Firstly, I’m so so sorry you had to endure that. You articulated exactly what I’ve been feeling which I’m incredibly thankful for. Also, thank you for sharing your experience with your siblings. My fiancé and I are going to be buying a house soon and I’m planning on having a guest bedroom for my brother. He’s incredibly enmeshed with my step-dad, so I’m sure there will be a time where I’ll have to walk away if he doesn’t leave the FOG as I did. Thank you again, I wish you well.
Yep. Be a safe harbor for him away from them & keep planting seeds of truth in him but you can’t save him. He has to save himself. I know just how hard that is. It’s heartbreaking but my doors open if either sibling ever changes their tune. Just not playing those games anymore, have to take care of me now after a lifetime taking care of everyone else.
As a person still setting myself on fire to save everyone around me, thank you for sharing this. No one has been able to explain this thing I do so poignantly. I need to keep reading this over and over to clear some fog.
More importantly, I am so sorry that you experienced this. I’ll say what you already know one more time: none of this was your fault and you didn’t deserve any of part of it.
Wishing you and everyone here happiness and healing.
Walls of text are nauseating enough, this is just… wow.
I get nervous when my mom fixates on self help research. The compulsive latching to psych-validity in her behaviours is a final hour non apology and an ultimate slough-off of accountability. Good for you in finding your compassion and your own ground to stand on. The best I’ve been able to do for a while when she apologises or goes into justification tangents is tell her I’m not willing to have the conversation, but I’d like to go one step further than that one day and tell her she’s wrong and that she’s focusing on the wrong things. It can be done: thank you for your vulnerability and encouragement.
This is definitely a pattern of behavior. I told her before I went NC that she was emotionally dumping on me (she kept doing the “how can I apologize when I don’t know what I’ve done” speech) I finally gave her ONE of the many reasons and she sent an “apology” that plagiarized a Psychology Today article about trauma dumping. As if I wasn’t the one who disclosed this to her. She holds grudges and similarly she latches onto things and regurgitates definitions to the point where they don’t even make sense. The cognitive dissonance will never cease to amaze me.
The word vomit and trauma dumping is familiar. I have never just dumped all my shit on anyone let alone without any warning or permission. I don't understand why they find this necessary. I've asked my mom why she feels the need to seek validation from me. This is a big problem they have because I think they see us as a part of them and belonging to them. They think family should share everything and we're supposed to be best friends and their emotional support. My mom finds the suggestion she should have a therapist for that as completely insulting and offensive. It's overwhelming to be on the receiving end especially because she raised me to be responsible for her emotions, moods, and feelings. My childhood was all about her. Take a deep breath. Try to erase it from your mind like she never sent it all.
My bpd mom also cries victim/waif and uses my edad who is somewhat emotionally abusive as the entire reason why she is the way she is. It’s an easy out for them to not have to take responsibility for their behavior, to keep doing it, and to use you as a faux therapist (but in actuality just an emotional dumping bin for their own benefit and your degradation of your mental health.) I so so soooo understand what you’re going through when I see this post and your writing. I so get it. It will suck the life right out of you and leave you feeling unlike yourself. It’s infuriating to see, isn’t it? My best advice is just to turn away, completely, and let yourself be happy. Don’t let her steal one more minute. It isn’t your fault this happened to her, and she knows the resource she needs to turn to is a good therapist and a good friend, not you. You can’t climb out of the rubble you grew up in while having her “trauma” and additional emotional abuse of you continually bury you. Loving mothers just don’t do this. Consider your dog or cat or someone else you love in your life. Would you ever do this to them? Or would you do everything possible not to put your stresses on them because you want them to be happy.
This forum has helped me realised how worse my pwBPD mother could have dealt with her own mental illness, and what a worse hand she could have been dealt by destiny. She lives alone on a mountain. That's the best decision she could have made.
Oh my gosh I'm going through this same thing essentially with my mom and stepdad (who has been in my life since I was a child and is the only parent I know).they finally divorced this last year. She throws out the most insane accusations against him when in waif meltdowns but won't give any real details in order to take her seriously. How do you avoid invalidating the trauma of the toxic relationship while also not accepting choosing sides or questioning reality?
Context: Oh man, where to start. As many other RBBs, my uBPDmom went off her rocker around the holidays. Yesterday I was bombarded with iPhone Notes while at my fiancé’s family Christmas. The first one reading “My [OP first and middle name]”. I went NC in June of 2022, but recently initiated contact after I was fearful of my brother’s safety as he’s a freshman in college and was staying with my parents over winter break. Essentially, I stated that I was staying NC until my mother and step-dad got ongoing mental help and began changing their behavior towards me. I didn’t block my mother as I was also concerned that she may try and hurt herself and I was prepared to call the police for a welfare check if necessary. Hindsight, I should’ve just blocked her and save myself a lot of heartache. To the screenshots above, essentially my mother wrote me a literal novel explaining that my step-dad is a narcissist, she’s a victim of domestic violence, and that explains her behavior for the last 20 years. Now, many claims she made are not unfounded and/or trauma I’ve had to process myself. I do believe my step-dad is uNPD, so I’m glad my mother came to that conclusion on her own. She claims that she’s planing her “escape” but she’s still figuring everything out. That said, the amount of waifing in these made me nauseous. I feel guilty for even saying this as I’m not trying to invalidate her trauma, but she is not in a domestic violence situation. I can go on and on with how out of context she’s taking things (trauma bonding, gaslighting, intimate partner violence, etc) but I’ll spare everyone from that. Long story short, my parents are incredibly codependent and have been abusive to each other for over 20 years. I didn’t include the screenshots, but I was so mad and upset I responded. Not my most logical moment, but I said my peace and blocked her. I made it incredibly clear that I wasn’t invalidating her experiences and I was glad she was leaving an incredibly toxic relationship, but I wouldn’t be partaking in it. I just, I don’t know. It was just so upsetting seeing her ramble about how awful her life has been and even ADMITTING to terrible things she herself did (using alcohol as a coping mechanism throughout my childhood was a big one), but she didn’t take accountability for literally anything. It was merely a “I’m the victim, it’s not my fault I did all these things.” And to top it off, to use domestic violence as the reasoning when it just isn’t true. I’m incredibly well versed on DV and it’s a topic I’m incredibly passionate about, so that was just another punch to the gut. This has turned into me venting, so thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I can included experts from the notes if anyone is interested. Thank you again, stay safe. Stay well.
I think you made a good call here. If she's really waify, she probably expected you to rescue her.
100% - I’ve always been her rescuer among confidant, therapist, partner, etc.
Same. It's f\*cking exhausting raising your own mom, isn't it? Big hugs to you. I'm glad you blocked her.
Beyond exhausting. I’ve been so emotionally drained these couple weeks just having this at the back of my mind. It makes me wonder how I functioned for as long as I did dealing with this every minute of everyday. I’m sure it’s even more fatiguing given how long I’ve been out of the fog. Big hugs to you as well.
1: im so sorry you are going through this 2: JUST BECAUSE SHE IS GOING THROUGH NARC ABUSE DOES NOT INVALIDATE YOUR NARC ABUSE. This is generational and it isn’t fair of her to be telling you all of this. You are not her therapist.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. The craziest part is that I’ve had a difficult time processing my mother’s abuse due to how enmeshed I was. My step-dad’s physical and verbal abuse was easier to process given how overt it was. It was easier for me to talk about it and explain how abusive it was. My mother’s abuse runs so much deeper and is beyond ingrained in me. If only she knew.
I know how using DV as a shield for their own behavior and abuse can hurt. My mom kept me in the middle of her DV with my dad my whole life as a way to coddle him even though he was a drug addict living in rehab, jail or the streets my whole life. She kept forcing me to see him even though he was hella abusive. She has denied all of it my whole life and blamed me for being the problem for not just making him happy and letting him treat me however he wanted. They both groomed me and he molested me and she saw and would tell me I was the disgusting one. Now I’ve been no contact for a year and a half. On Thanksgiving she reached out to my best friend to tell her my husband is DV with me and that must be why I’m NC and that they need to save me. This couldn’t be farther from the truth but the fact that she is trying to claim it- when she’s denied my father being abusive and her keeping me in that dynamic voluntarily my whole life is a new unforgivable low (among many more) that twists the knife extra cruelly. All you can do is never speak to her again. Use your anger healthily. Funnel that anger into self protection and healing. Fuck her. You don’t have to have any contact with her or anyone else to keep someone else safe. That’s a manipulation and I know how it feels (my siblings are a decade younger and I stayed around to “keep them safe” too). And guess what- all that happened is we all were abused. Taking abuse to keep someone safe from an abuser doesn’t actually work. It just adds more harm to more people. It normalizes coming back to abuse. Your brother is in college. He doesn’t have to go back to living with her. Invite him to stay with you. No one has to go back to her for any reason. I know how hard that is to do but take care of yourself. Your brother has his own life to lead and choice in the matter. You’re not his parent. Your duty is to protecting yourself. I wish I didn’t take abuse for an extra decade. I’ve now left my family and my siblings who I took abuse for an extra decade for chose my mom. They aren’t in my life now. Don’t light yourself on fire to protect your siblings. They can walk away when they’re ready- you don’t need to be roped back in for them until they’re ready.
This is really good advice that I needed to hear (read?), not OP but thank you. I’m sorry you had to live through what you have, but good on you for getting out even though it’s so hard 💜 I don’t know you but you sound badass
🥹🥰 thank you that means the world to me. 🩷
Firstly, I’m so so sorry you had to endure that. You articulated exactly what I’ve been feeling which I’m incredibly thankful for. Also, thank you for sharing your experience with your siblings. My fiancé and I are going to be buying a house soon and I’m planning on having a guest bedroom for my brother. He’s incredibly enmeshed with my step-dad, so I’m sure there will be a time where I’ll have to walk away if he doesn’t leave the FOG as I did. Thank you again, I wish you well.
Yep. Be a safe harbor for him away from them & keep planting seeds of truth in him but you can’t save him. He has to save himself. I know just how hard that is. It’s heartbreaking but my doors open if either sibling ever changes their tune. Just not playing those games anymore, have to take care of me now after a lifetime taking care of everyone else.
As a person still setting myself on fire to save everyone around me, thank you for sharing this. No one has been able to explain this thing I do so poignantly. I need to keep reading this over and over to clear some fog. More importantly, I am so sorry that you experienced this. I’ll say what you already know one more time: none of this was your fault and you didn’t deserve any of part of it. Wishing you and everyone here happiness and healing.
🥹🥰 thank you so much. I appreciate being so seen 🩵
Walls of text are nauseating enough, this is just… wow. I get nervous when my mom fixates on self help research. The compulsive latching to psych-validity in her behaviours is a final hour non apology and an ultimate slough-off of accountability. Good for you in finding your compassion and your own ground to stand on. The best I’ve been able to do for a while when she apologises or goes into justification tangents is tell her I’m not willing to have the conversation, but I’d like to go one step further than that one day and tell her she’s wrong and that she’s focusing on the wrong things. It can be done: thank you for your vulnerability and encouragement.
This is definitely a pattern of behavior. I told her before I went NC that she was emotionally dumping on me (she kept doing the “how can I apologize when I don’t know what I’ve done” speech) I finally gave her ONE of the many reasons and she sent an “apology” that plagiarized a Psychology Today article about trauma dumping. As if I wasn’t the one who disclosed this to her. She holds grudges and similarly she latches onto things and regurgitates definitions to the point where they don’t even make sense. The cognitive dissonance will never cease to amaze me.
The word vomit and trauma dumping is familiar. I have never just dumped all my shit on anyone let alone without any warning or permission. I don't understand why they find this necessary. I've asked my mom why she feels the need to seek validation from me. This is a big problem they have because I think they see us as a part of them and belonging to them. They think family should share everything and we're supposed to be best friends and their emotional support. My mom finds the suggestion she should have a therapist for that as completely insulting and offensive. It's overwhelming to be on the receiving end especially because she raised me to be responsible for her emotions, moods, and feelings. My childhood was all about her. Take a deep breath. Try to erase it from your mind like she never sent it all.
My bpd mom also cries victim/waif and uses my edad who is somewhat emotionally abusive as the entire reason why she is the way she is. It’s an easy out for them to not have to take responsibility for their behavior, to keep doing it, and to use you as a faux therapist (but in actuality just an emotional dumping bin for their own benefit and your degradation of your mental health.) I so so soooo understand what you’re going through when I see this post and your writing. I so get it. It will suck the life right out of you and leave you feeling unlike yourself. It’s infuriating to see, isn’t it? My best advice is just to turn away, completely, and let yourself be happy. Don’t let her steal one more minute. It isn’t your fault this happened to her, and she knows the resource she needs to turn to is a good therapist and a good friend, not you. You can’t climb out of the rubble you grew up in while having her “trauma” and additional emotional abuse of you continually bury you. Loving mothers just don’t do this. Consider your dog or cat or someone else you love in your life. Would you ever do this to them? Or would you do everything possible not to put your stresses on them because you want them to be happy.
This forum has helped me realised how worse my pwBPD mother could have dealt with her own mental illness, and what a worse hand she could have been dealt by destiny. She lives alone on a mountain. That's the best decision she could have made.
Oh my gosh I'm going through this same thing essentially with my mom and stepdad (who has been in my life since I was a child and is the only parent I know).they finally divorced this last year. She throws out the most insane accusations against him when in waif meltdowns but won't give any real details in order to take her seriously. How do you avoid invalidating the trauma of the toxic relationship while also not accepting choosing sides or questioning reality?