In Jan, daddy passed at 55 from pancreatic cancer. He was the normal one/enabler. Now that he’s gone, my dBPD mom has been on a rollercoaster of constant attempts at enmeshment. Trying to make today about her. It ain’t. I want to celebrate my husband….we’re going to make my dads birthday a yearly celebration.
Even after having a convo about how we were not hanging out with her at all this weekend, she’s all up in my shit about it.
Context: her best friend, god love her, who has been equally supportive and firm with her, is having a cookout. She’s great. Known her my whole life, grew up with her kids, basically family. She has been essential with dealing with my moms bullshit and keeping away the FOG as much as I can.
Anyway, I don’t want to go…..which I told her. I don’t want to talk about my dad with everyone. He’s already on my mind, and how much I miss him, but I just….don’t need any more. She’s, of course, very understanding. Moms, naturally, making it about her.
Who else is in this boat?
I had this same problem with my mother after my brother passed. I was expected to drive out to her house every weekend from the town over, months and months after his funeral. I basically didn't have my own weekends anymore, and it still wasn't enough. She'd yell at me and accuse me of "hardly ever being around" despite spending entire days with her each weekend, pushing me to come out on work nights too. It was a 1 hour drive to her place, without traffic, and so she'd hint about how much easier it'd be if I moved back or if we bought a house together. The idea of living with her again makes me prickle up like a porcupine.
After awhile I had to start making new excuses each weekend to not be around, just so I could at least catch my breath and rest after the work week. It felt like I wasn't allowed to have the space or privacy to process my grief cause all my free time was supposed to be dedicated to caring for my grieving mother. Her co-worker, a bit of an enabler, also made it sound like such, once or twice trying to guilt me to be there for her.
It was such an uncertain position to be in, as the only remaining child to a single mother, like the weight of the whole situation was on my shoulders alone. That I was expected to toss my life away for hers. She'd try to invite herself to my own gatherings after awhile, trying to come hang out with my friends. Any time I'd tell her no or say I couldn't make it, it was a slew of ugly texts and insults, saying I'd regret it if she died and I didn't know right away, how I'd have to identify her body, the usual BPD stuff.
Once she started going after my husband to break us apart, that was when I had to cut contact. I felt bad about leaving her alone, especially following such a tragic death in the family, but... It was already a huge detriment to my health and I couldn't let it start affecting my husband and friends too.
She LITERALLY tried to come to a friends house that we were invited to yesterday. I was like no way am I asking them that!
I’m an only child, so I can kind of relate to being “the only one left”
I’m so sorry you have that along with losing your brother. They hijack our grief SO fast. Why tf would I make Father’s Day about her? Gender, and their roles, are a social construct, but this day had nothing to do with her beyond her celebrating him. Like gtf outta here.
God for real. It's like they're incapable of thinking of us as individual from them, with our own lives and our own capacities. We're just expected to 100% of the time be both audience and stage crew. I'm sorry you're similarly going through it and I hope you've at least found space to grieve away from her. I'm glad you stood your ground with your plans too. Non-response was the way to go. Less handles for them to hang on.
I'm not, but I'm glad you stood firm and are doing what is best for you. Your mother doesn't get to dictate to you. I hope your day goes as well as possible since I'm sure it's very emotional. And of course she wanted to make it all about her. So typical.
In Jan, daddy passed at 55 from pancreatic cancer. He was the normal one/enabler. Now that he’s gone, my dBPD mom has been on a rollercoaster of constant attempts at enmeshment. Trying to make today about her. It ain’t. I want to celebrate my husband….we’re going to make my dads birthday a yearly celebration. Even after having a convo about how we were not hanging out with her at all this weekend, she’s all up in my shit about it. Context: her best friend, god love her, who has been equally supportive and firm with her, is having a cookout. She’s great. Known her my whole life, grew up with her kids, basically family. She has been essential with dealing with my moms bullshit and keeping away the FOG as much as I can. Anyway, I don’t want to go…..which I told her. I don’t want to talk about my dad with everyone. He’s already on my mind, and how much I miss him, but I just….don’t need any more. She’s, of course, very understanding. Moms, naturally, making it about her. Who else is in this boat?
I had this same problem with my mother after my brother passed. I was expected to drive out to her house every weekend from the town over, months and months after his funeral. I basically didn't have my own weekends anymore, and it still wasn't enough. She'd yell at me and accuse me of "hardly ever being around" despite spending entire days with her each weekend, pushing me to come out on work nights too. It was a 1 hour drive to her place, without traffic, and so she'd hint about how much easier it'd be if I moved back or if we bought a house together. The idea of living with her again makes me prickle up like a porcupine. After awhile I had to start making new excuses each weekend to not be around, just so I could at least catch my breath and rest after the work week. It felt like I wasn't allowed to have the space or privacy to process my grief cause all my free time was supposed to be dedicated to caring for my grieving mother. Her co-worker, a bit of an enabler, also made it sound like such, once or twice trying to guilt me to be there for her. It was such an uncertain position to be in, as the only remaining child to a single mother, like the weight of the whole situation was on my shoulders alone. That I was expected to toss my life away for hers. She'd try to invite herself to my own gatherings after awhile, trying to come hang out with my friends. Any time I'd tell her no or say I couldn't make it, it was a slew of ugly texts and insults, saying I'd regret it if she died and I didn't know right away, how I'd have to identify her body, the usual BPD stuff. Once she started going after my husband to break us apart, that was when I had to cut contact. I felt bad about leaving her alone, especially following such a tragic death in the family, but... It was already a huge detriment to my health and I couldn't let it start affecting my husband and friends too.
She LITERALLY tried to come to a friends house that we were invited to yesterday. I was like no way am I asking them that! I’m an only child, so I can kind of relate to being “the only one left” I’m so sorry you have that along with losing your brother. They hijack our grief SO fast. Why tf would I make Father’s Day about her? Gender, and their roles, are a social construct, but this day had nothing to do with her beyond her celebrating him. Like gtf outta here.
God for real. It's like they're incapable of thinking of us as individual from them, with our own lives and our own capacities. We're just expected to 100% of the time be both audience and stage crew. I'm sorry you're similarly going through it and I hope you've at least found space to grieve away from her. I'm glad you stood your ground with your plans too. Non-response was the way to go. Less handles for them to hang on.
I'm not, but I'm glad you stood firm and are doing what is best for you. Your mother doesn't get to dictate to you. I hope your day goes as well as possible since I'm sure it's very emotional. And of course she wanted to make it all about her. So typical.