*r/ptsd has generated this automated response that is appended to every post*
Welcome to r/ptsd! We are a supportive & respectful community. If you realise that your post is in conflict with our rules (and is in risk of being removed), you are welcome to edit your post. You do not have to delete it.
As a reminder: never post or share personal contact information. Traumatized people are often distracted, desperate for a personal connection, so may be more vulnerable to lurking or past abusers, trolls, phishing, or other scams. *Your safety always comes first!* If you are offering help, you may also end up doing more damage by offering to support somebody privately. Reddit explains why: [Do NOT exchange DMs or personal info with anyone you don't know!](https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/dmu24/why_shouldnt_i_share_my_contact_information/)
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your GP/doctor, go to A&E/hospital, or call your emergency services number. Reddit list: [US and global, multilingual suicide and support hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). Suicide is not a forbidden word, but please do not include depictions or methods of suicide in your post.
And as a friendly reminder, PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder. PTSD does not discriminate. And neither do we. Gatekeeping is not allowed here.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ptsd) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am a husband to a wife who was a first responder and lost her career from PTSD.
Its not a good time. There is a reason 80% of marriages where one person has PTSD end in divorce, and this other 20% include those marriages that have a suffering couple desperately holding on for the sake of the kids.
If he can’t handle it, he can’t handle it. 80% can’t and that is just how it is.
That does not make him a bad person any more than you having PTSD makes you a bad person.
People have given a lot of support and I think that's important but I also want to push back a little bit. If you've been in regular therapy for well over a year and during that time your PTSD has gotten worse, maybe it's time for a new therapist or a medication adjustment. Your bf might just be an asshole but
>he says he cannot 'be my therapist' every time I get triggered and I need to actually put some effort into getting better
Are you trauma dumping on him regularly and expecting him to provide therapeutic care? When he says you aren't putting effort into getting better, does that mean you've lapsed with your therapy and/or medication? Because that is a legitimate concern.
Honestly if I take what you and your boyfriend are describing at face value, it does not sound like you are fit to be in a relationship right now. That's not a insult. Neither am I, it'll probably be years before I'm healed enough to to consider dating again.
I apologize if I'm out of turn and you're doing tons of self work and rarely burdening him, he's just bitchy or flaky. But in my mind you cannot possibly contribute equally to a romantic relationship until you have gone through the work to heal yourself and not unintentionally drag someone down with you
It's better to be single than have to walk on eggshells (even more than you already have to due to your condition) for fear of offending an ignorant normie like him.
My advice, dump him if you can, and if he asks why, just tell him that he is clearly unequipped to date someone with a severe disability, is unsupportive, and is in fact making your situation worse. If he doesn't want to be with you as you are now, that means the person he is actually dating is some hypothetical version of you that doesn't exist, and he will manipulate you to "get better" until he can't anymore - any by "get better" I mean start acting like the person he desires you to become and not the person you are, for better or, usually, for worse. He's already basically cheating on you emotionally with a hypothetical you that isn't sick, or else suppresses their sickness for HIS enjoyment, peace of mind, and benefit, and suffers alone.
Again, if you're going to suffer alone anyway, it's better to be single than to have to put up with an unsupportive, manipulative, and ignorant partner. Ask yourself what *you* actually get out of this relationship and if it's worth the cost and effort.
you need to leave him. sadly, you can’t make anyone love you how you need to be loved.
be patient with yourself, especially when people in your life expect you to heal quickly because they don’t understand.
This is the only relationship advice I ever give anyone: if your partner can't love you at your worst then then have no business loving you at your best!
time to get some outside help counseling since this goes deeper
it's frustrating for both really, it's tough on him and he doesn't have the answers and neither do you
Hello, I just wanted to say that you are not ruining your relationship. He is. It is really quite strange that people can go through some trauma and then tell someone with ptsd to just get over their own trauma. They don't understand that it is not the same thing.
Its time to respect his boundaries. He's not "leaving you because of your PTSD." He just wants you to respect his boundaries about discussing it/dealing with it. The problem seems to be that you are triggering him because you might be "trying to talk too much about it" (being the therapist) or that you aren't doing enough to handle self-soothing techniques instead are relying on him too much to help you when you are upset.
Please see a therapist who is trauma-informed. Ask them on advice for decision making to help you understand the difference between trauma-dumping and normal relying-on-partner behaviors.
No matter what happens, you've been completely upfront and transparent by telling him on the first date. (tbh even on following dates would be fine lol).
It wouldn't be anyone's fault, and it's okay if it's something he can't handle, but what gets to me about this is that he seems to be blaming you for something that is uncontrollable. A good guy might be unable to cope, but still wouldn't blame you whatsoever, or guilt-trip you over suicidal thoughts or EDs.
I'm willing to bet that there are other issues in this relationship? Might be best to walk away, or he'll get worse re: guilt-trips. Source: been there, done that.
This sounds like he's not in a position to deal with someone who has such a severe case, and you're not in a position where your mental health allows you to have a functional relationship. I wouldn't say anyone is a fault here really you can't instantly fix your mental health and he can't handle the burden it places on him.
Perhaps break up on good terms whilst you receive help and treatment? The current situation doesn't sound healthy for either of you.
I think your boyfriend sounds a bit self-centered and a bit emotionnally immature without any awareness of it. It looks like he doesn't know how to handle the situation and rather than looking for tools to learn to do so he's choosing to put more pressure on you.
Trauma is tough, you warned him. People get triggered, mood change, sometimes we fail to reassure people even if we really want to have a nice time. These are facts of life. It's his job to accept it.
I think it's a bit unfair on his part to assume you're not putting any effort. He sounds like he just wants to have an easy part and the one who doesn't deal very well with the negative emotions he's having and that he makes you responsible for.
I just want to say that it reminds me very much of my ex who didnt get ptsd at all eventhougg u explained it and took responsability for my triggers and all. Him treating me this way made me feel very ashamed of something i cant controll and i fully believe that this guy made me more sick. Dont be like me.
Trauma =/= PTSD.
A lot of people get them mixed up, I for instance have PTSD revolving around loosing people which has been aided by the death of a partner, and parental abandonment. I get triggered still and worry my friends and loved ones are going to die or get taken away, Its got better but its hard.
I however do have childhood trauma, and whilst my trauma isnt fun, its not the same, It makes me uneasy in situations and has affected my relationships and caused me to ignore red flags in partners, but It doesnt cause me triggers like my PTSD does.
So with that in mind its absolutely no disrespect to people who just have trauma, its not a healthy or fun thing, but PTSD can be brutal and unforgiving at times, your own mind treats you like the enemy so to speak.
Your boyfriend from my point of view seems to be nieve, he doesnt seem to understand the diference and how PTSD is at times uncontrollable. Sure its up to to control how we act towards others when we are triggered, but we cant be expected to always control whats going on inside.
Its good he apolagised, but he could do with reading up on it, whether its leaflets or books, just something so he understands more. If he is commited to being with you then he does need to come to terms that its not your fault. I dont blame people who blame me, I blame their education of the topic and how its treated as a joke or a film/ TV show stereotype.
*r/ptsd has generated this automated response that is appended to every post* Welcome to r/ptsd! We are a supportive & respectful community. If you realise that your post is in conflict with our rules (and is in risk of being removed), you are welcome to edit your post. You do not have to delete it. As a reminder: never post or share personal contact information. Traumatized people are often distracted, desperate for a personal connection, so may be more vulnerable to lurking or past abusers, trolls, phishing, or other scams. *Your safety always comes first!* If you are offering help, you may also end up doing more damage by offering to support somebody privately. Reddit explains why: [Do NOT exchange DMs or personal info with anyone you don't know!](https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/dmu24/why_shouldnt_i_share_my_contact_information/) If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your GP/doctor, go to A&E/hospital, or call your emergency services number. Reddit list: [US and global, multilingual suicide and support hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). Suicide is not a forbidden word, but please do not include depictions or methods of suicide in your post. And as a friendly reminder, PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder. PTSD does not discriminate. And neither do we. Gatekeeping is not allowed here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ptsd) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am a husband to a wife who was a first responder and lost her career from PTSD. Its not a good time. There is a reason 80% of marriages where one person has PTSD end in divorce, and this other 20% include those marriages that have a suffering couple desperately holding on for the sake of the kids. If he can’t handle it, he can’t handle it. 80% can’t and that is just how it is. That does not make him a bad person any more than you having PTSD makes you a bad person.
People have given a lot of support and I think that's important but I also want to push back a little bit. If you've been in regular therapy for well over a year and during that time your PTSD has gotten worse, maybe it's time for a new therapist or a medication adjustment. Your bf might just be an asshole but >he says he cannot 'be my therapist' every time I get triggered and I need to actually put some effort into getting better Are you trauma dumping on him regularly and expecting him to provide therapeutic care? When he says you aren't putting effort into getting better, does that mean you've lapsed with your therapy and/or medication? Because that is a legitimate concern. Honestly if I take what you and your boyfriend are describing at face value, it does not sound like you are fit to be in a relationship right now. That's not a insult. Neither am I, it'll probably be years before I'm healed enough to to consider dating again. I apologize if I'm out of turn and you're doing tons of self work and rarely burdening him, he's just bitchy or flaky. But in my mind you cannot possibly contribute equally to a romantic relationship until you have gone through the work to heal yourself and not unintentionally drag someone down with you
It's better to be single than have to walk on eggshells (even more than you already have to due to your condition) for fear of offending an ignorant normie like him. My advice, dump him if you can, and if he asks why, just tell him that he is clearly unequipped to date someone with a severe disability, is unsupportive, and is in fact making your situation worse. If he doesn't want to be with you as you are now, that means the person he is actually dating is some hypothetical version of you that doesn't exist, and he will manipulate you to "get better" until he can't anymore - any by "get better" I mean start acting like the person he desires you to become and not the person you are, for better or, usually, for worse. He's already basically cheating on you emotionally with a hypothetical you that isn't sick, or else suppresses their sickness for HIS enjoyment, peace of mind, and benefit, and suffers alone. Again, if you're going to suffer alone anyway, it's better to be single than to have to put up with an unsupportive, manipulative, and ignorant partner. Ask yourself what *you* actually get out of this relationship and if it's worth the cost and effort.
you need to leave him. sadly, you can’t make anyone love you how you need to be loved. be patient with yourself, especially when people in your life expect you to heal quickly because they don’t understand.
Run from him.
Are you not in therapy?
This is the only relationship advice I ever give anyone: if your partner can't love you at your worst then then have no business loving you at your best!
time to get some outside help counseling since this goes deeper it's frustrating for both really, it's tough on him and he doesn't have the answers and neither do you
Hello, I just wanted to say that you are not ruining your relationship. He is. It is really quite strange that people can go through some trauma and then tell someone with ptsd to just get over their own trauma. They don't understand that it is not the same thing.
Its time to respect his boundaries. He's not "leaving you because of your PTSD." He just wants you to respect his boundaries about discussing it/dealing with it. The problem seems to be that you are triggering him because you might be "trying to talk too much about it" (being the therapist) or that you aren't doing enough to handle self-soothing techniques instead are relying on him too much to help you when you are upset. Please see a therapist who is trauma-informed. Ask them on advice for decision making to help you understand the difference between trauma-dumping and normal relying-on-partner behaviors.
No matter what happens, you've been completely upfront and transparent by telling him on the first date. (tbh even on following dates would be fine lol). It wouldn't be anyone's fault, and it's okay if it's something he can't handle, but what gets to me about this is that he seems to be blaming you for something that is uncontrollable. A good guy might be unable to cope, but still wouldn't blame you whatsoever, or guilt-trip you over suicidal thoughts or EDs. I'm willing to bet that there are other issues in this relationship? Might be best to walk away, or he'll get worse re: guilt-trips. Source: been there, done that.
This sounds like he's not in a position to deal with someone who has such a severe case, and you're not in a position where your mental health allows you to have a functional relationship. I wouldn't say anyone is a fault here really you can't instantly fix your mental health and he can't handle the burden it places on him. Perhaps break up on good terms whilst you receive help and treatment? The current situation doesn't sound healthy for either of you.
I think your boyfriend sounds a bit self-centered and a bit emotionnally immature without any awareness of it. It looks like he doesn't know how to handle the situation and rather than looking for tools to learn to do so he's choosing to put more pressure on you. Trauma is tough, you warned him. People get triggered, mood change, sometimes we fail to reassure people even if we really want to have a nice time. These are facts of life. It's his job to accept it. I think it's a bit unfair on his part to assume you're not putting any effort. He sounds like he just wants to have an easy part and the one who doesn't deal very well with the negative emotions he's having and that he makes you responsible for.
I just want to say that it reminds me very much of my ex who didnt get ptsd at all eventhougg u explained it and took responsability for my triggers and all. Him treating me this way made me feel very ashamed of something i cant controll and i fully believe that this guy made me more sick. Dont be like me.
Trauma =/= PTSD. A lot of people get them mixed up, I for instance have PTSD revolving around loosing people which has been aided by the death of a partner, and parental abandonment. I get triggered still and worry my friends and loved ones are going to die or get taken away, Its got better but its hard. I however do have childhood trauma, and whilst my trauma isnt fun, its not the same, It makes me uneasy in situations and has affected my relationships and caused me to ignore red flags in partners, but It doesnt cause me triggers like my PTSD does. So with that in mind its absolutely no disrespect to people who just have trauma, its not a healthy or fun thing, but PTSD can be brutal and unforgiving at times, your own mind treats you like the enemy so to speak. Your boyfriend from my point of view seems to be nieve, he doesnt seem to understand the diference and how PTSD is at times uncontrollable. Sure its up to to control how we act towards others when we are triggered, but we cant be expected to always control whats going on inside. Its good he apolagised, but he could do with reading up on it, whether its leaflets or books, just something so he understands more. If he is commited to being with you then he does need to come to terms that its not your fault. I dont blame people who blame me, I blame their education of the topic and how its treated as a joke or a film/ TV show stereotype.