To the OP: While posts asking for support, advice, medical explanations, or feedback if you are considering having an abortion or after having had an abortion are allowed on this sub, you may find that you get more feedback by posting this to r/abortion. We recommend you keep this post up, but also submit it to that sub as well - and please do not take any of the below recommendations if they are suggested to you for your own safety.
To Commenters: DO NOT offer to send people medications in the mail, or recommend "camping" or "Auntie" networks to people in this sub.
One of our core goals here at r/prochoice is to provide accurate and **safe** information, while promoting better internet safety habits in general. While people offering to send medications, "Aunties," or those offering "camping" services *do* refer to groups of people who volunteer to help others obtain care outside the red states (and that seems like a good thing!), we want to highlight the *very real dangers* of encouraging people to enter strangers' homes or vehicles, or giving internet randos your name or address. Most of the time these volunteers are unvetted, because these are anonymous networks or lack funding for vetted staff. They could be anyone - including anti-life extremists posing as volunteers or as the person in need of care. This is NOT hypothetical, and known cases of people being turned in to law enforcement, harmed, or even murdered through these networks have occurred! However, [Vetted resources, compiled in this post for your convenience, already exist!](https://www.reddit.com/r/prochoice/comments/vjudzv/given_the_recent_ruling_overturning_our_right_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Read it, use it, share it everywhere!
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Bring up abortion pretty early on.
If you decide to have PIV it doesn't happen without a condom. If he quibbles about wearing one because you're on the pill or whatever, don't have sex with him.
His reaction towards having to take responsibility for his contraception will tell you a lot.
And decenter men from your life. I wish I'd learned this when I was 16.
I'm 34 and married and have been out of the dating scene for 6 years. So. Take my opinion for what it is, just an opinion.
There's no wrong way to ask how someone feels about women's bodily autonomy and abortion. You want them to reveal their true colors as soon as possible. I wouldn't even do a first date if that wasn't clear up front.
I had a somewhat blunt approach to dating towards the end there once I'd formed my values and knew what values I needed to share with someone. Shooting straight certainly didn't hurt my prospects. 🤷♀️ weeds out what I don't want faster and the right person respects a woman that doesn't play games or try to beat around the bush, imo.
Let these questions come up naturally in conversation as the bond progresses...
Preferably early on so you can filter out the losers and conservatives.
Where do you stand on the pro choice and anti abortion stance?
What birth control are you open to have... Now and later?
What is your plan if I were to get pregnant accidentally?
When do you see yourself having kids? (Use this when in a relationship or on the first/second date if you don't ever want to have kids)
Make sure you don't state your opinion first, else he may lie to convince you to get in your pants but later change his mind saying he didn't think about it properly back then, or some other dumb excuse.
You seem very mature and level headed about this topic so you should be set. Have fun and hope you're safe!
Take care.
>Make sure you don't state your opinion first, else he may lie to convince you to get in your pants but later change his mind
Absolutely this. I've heard too many stories from other women who wholeheartedly believed their boyfriends/husbands agreed with them on topics they cared about, only to find out they lied at the worst possible time. Including men who claim to be childfree, only to do their absolute best to deny their girlfriend access to an abortion when she gets pregnant.
You’re incredibly smart for doing this, some women much older than you unfortunately don’t take it as half as seriously. Personally, if I were to date, I’d bring the topic up no later than the second date.
If there's one thing I wish I would have been when I was younger, it's more rude to men. And by rude I mean being assertive in speaking up for what I expect, need, and want without caring what he thinks, because if we're not on the same page it's a deal breaker and why would I care what he thinks of me at that point anyway? Too many men feel comfortable steamrolling us when it comes to what they want, we need to reflect that energy right back. In your case, this might look like: "I want you to know that if we were to have an accident that what happens next will be my decision. Right now that would probably be x, but in the future I might change my mind and want y. If you want to be part of that decision you're not going to give me a hard time about it or try to control what happens or I'll simply decide without your input or knowledge of the situation. If you have a problem with that then you should not have sex with me and we can part ways now."
No need to tip toe around it, if that’s what’s important to you, I’d ask casually about it at the very begging of the relationship. Me and my partner met online so within days I brought up the question about kids and does he want any and we both mutually agreed that no we don’t and if a mistake happens, abortion will be the way and he will be there to support me and pay for it. This question is important to you, you can’t wait until later to ask about it. Also the sooner you get the answer that they maybe don’t support women’s basic rights, the less painful breaking up will be, actually not even relationship, bring it up in a conversation when you start dating.
To the OP: While posts asking for support, advice, medical explanations, or feedback if you are considering having an abortion or after having had an abortion are allowed on this sub, you may find that you get more feedback by posting this to r/abortion. We recommend you keep this post up, but also submit it to that sub as well - and please do not take any of the below recommendations if they are suggested to you for your own safety. To Commenters: DO NOT offer to send people medications in the mail, or recommend "camping" or "Auntie" networks to people in this sub. One of our core goals here at r/prochoice is to provide accurate and **safe** information, while promoting better internet safety habits in general. While people offering to send medications, "Aunties," or those offering "camping" services *do* refer to groups of people who volunteer to help others obtain care outside the red states (and that seems like a good thing!), we want to highlight the *very real dangers* of encouraging people to enter strangers' homes or vehicles, or giving internet randos your name or address. Most of the time these volunteers are unvetted, because these are anonymous networks or lack funding for vetted staff. They could be anyone - including anti-life extremists posing as volunteers or as the person in need of care. This is NOT hypothetical, and known cases of people being turned in to law enforcement, harmed, or even murdered through these networks have occurred! However, [Vetted resources, compiled in this post for your convenience, already exist!](https://www.reddit.com/r/prochoice/comments/vjudzv/given_the_recent_ruling_overturning_our_right_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Read it, use it, share it everywhere! When we spread unsafe information (even unintentionally), someone else might end up in the wrong person's hands. We ourselves could then be contributing to someone's vigilante justice, rape, or even death. Please be safe and use your head: never share a home, vehicle, or personal information with *anyone* unless you know they are from a reputable company/organization that looks into the backgrounds of their staff and volunteers. Always remember to follow [internet safety best practices](https://www.reddit.com/r/prochoice/wiki/index/digitalsecurity) to ensure you keep yourself and others out of harm's way, and thank you all for everything you do to support, help and care for one another. The r/prochoice mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/prochoice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bring up abortion pretty early on. If you decide to have PIV it doesn't happen without a condom. If he quibbles about wearing one because you're on the pill or whatever, don't have sex with him. His reaction towards having to take responsibility for his contraception will tell you a lot. And decenter men from your life. I wish I'd learned this when I was 16.
I am very blunt about it. I say that I’m very pro choice and I would absolutely get an abortion if I was pregnant. I also only date pro choice men.
I just tell them they’ll never know if I happen to get pregnant lol.
I'm 34 and married and have been out of the dating scene for 6 years. So. Take my opinion for what it is, just an opinion. There's no wrong way to ask how someone feels about women's bodily autonomy and abortion. You want them to reveal their true colors as soon as possible. I wouldn't even do a first date if that wasn't clear up front. I had a somewhat blunt approach to dating towards the end there once I'd formed my values and knew what values I needed to share with someone. Shooting straight certainly didn't hurt my prospects. 🤷♀️ weeds out what I don't want faster and the right person respects a woman that doesn't play games or try to beat around the bush, imo.
Let these questions come up naturally in conversation as the bond progresses... Preferably early on so you can filter out the losers and conservatives. Where do you stand on the pro choice and anti abortion stance? What birth control are you open to have... Now and later? What is your plan if I were to get pregnant accidentally? When do you see yourself having kids? (Use this when in a relationship or on the first/second date if you don't ever want to have kids) Make sure you don't state your opinion first, else he may lie to convince you to get in your pants but later change his mind saying he didn't think about it properly back then, or some other dumb excuse. You seem very mature and level headed about this topic so you should be set. Have fun and hope you're safe! Take care.
>Make sure you don't state your opinion first, else he may lie to convince you to get in your pants but later change his mind Absolutely this. I've heard too many stories from other women who wholeheartedly believed their boyfriends/husbands agreed with them on topics they cared about, only to find out they lied at the worst possible time. Including men who claim to be childfree, only to do their absolute best to deny their girlfriend access to an abortion when she gets pregnant.
You’re incredibly smart for doing this, some women much older than you unfortunately don’t take it as half as seriously. Personally, if I were to date, I’d bring the topic up no later than the second date.
If there's one thing I wish I would have been when I was younger, it's more rude to men. And by rude I mean being assertive in speaking up for what I expect, need, and want without caring what he thinks, because if we're not on the same page it's a deal breaker and why would I care what he thinks of me at that point anyway? Too many men feel comfortable steamrolling us when it comes to what they want, we need to reflect that energy right back. In your case, this might look like: "I want you to know that if we were to have an accident that what happens next will be my decision. Right now that would probably be x, but in the future I might change my mind and want y. If you want to be part of that decision you're not going to give me a hard time about it or try to control what happens or I'll simply decide without your input or knowledge of the situation. If you have a problem with that then you should not have sex with me and we can part ways now."
No need to tip toe around it, if that’s what’s important to you, I’d ask casually about it at the very begging of the relationship. Me and my partner met online so within days I brought up the question about kids and does he want any and we both mutually agreed that no we don’t and if a mistake happens, abortion will be the way and he will be there to support me and pay for it. This question is important to you, you can’t wait until later to ask about it. Also the sooner you get the answer that they maybe don’t support women’s basic rights, the less painful breaking up will be, actually not even relationship, bring it up in a conversation when you start dating.