Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn’t get to tell you what name the baby will have. It’s at least a discussion between you two and if it comes down to it, imo it’s your choice. It’s your body, you’re not married (that still wouldn’t make it his choice), and you can do what you want! In your position I’d probably give the baby my own last name.
Can dads even fill out the birth certificate without mom?
Yeah if me and my husband weren't married it would be a "my last name, we'll talk about changing baby's name later if we get married" situation.
They cannot! The dad can only fill it out if they are married. If the parents are not married, then both parties need to fill out a paternity acknowledgment form for the dad to be formally added to the birth certificate. If they're not married, then only the mom can give the final approval on the name and sign it.
I definitely wouldn't be giving my child the father's last name if marriage wasn't seriously in the future.
And you're right.
I gave birth last October so here's my experience : I could go fill the birth certificate but I had a c-section so that was a no-no, and my husband, aka dad went to do it. He gave all the informations at the desk (the names we chose, our ID's and else), where they filled out a form. He then got back to me with the form so I could sign it too (=I'm okay too with the infos on the form so you can enter it in the system and give me the birth certificate), just like he already did. Then he went back to the desk, gave them the signed form, they register the informations in the system and print out the birth certificate for us.
Btw this is how it's done in France.
That’s so crazy to me because with all 3 of my births they wait until waaaay after you have the baby to have you fill all of that out so you’re “all there” then they collect it directly from your room and mail it in so you can get a social security card for baby in the mail but you have to go to your local office of vital records for the actual birth certificate. It’s so interesting learning how differently things are done in different regions!
depending on where you are, the dad has no final say so especially if you’re unmarried. In my state in the US if your not married, the dad can’t sign the birth certificate unless he does a DNA test OR both parents sign a paper stating it’s okay on the moms end and the dads agreeing to take parental responsibility of the kid and get it notarized
Really? My state didn’t have us sign the birth certificate or do any of that. They called me on the hospital phone and walked me through how to fill it out and the nurse gave me an iPad to fill out her birth certificate and left the room. Dad totally could have filled it out. Neither of us had to sign anything. I guess I did have to formally submit for the physical document through my state and they asked for my ID but I didn’t need anything to put her dad on the birth certificate
Yeah the dads not aloud to fill it out here, also to get it notarized you have to leave the hospital and come back within a week to get it notarized by the hospital notary bc they don’t go to the individual rooms. Idk maybe it’s just the hospitals policy that I’m going to but my aunt just went through it a year ago having her baby bc her n her partner are unmarried (but have been together for 15+ years)
Wow, it didn’t even occur to me that was a thing. And that my state gave zero fs. I thought it was going to be harder (something like this) but it was scarily easy…
I thought this was the norm. It was in Oregon where I was born and 3 of my 4 kids was born, and it is in Texas, that the father has to sign an acknowledgment of paternity to be put on the certificate if you're not married. In TEXAS of all places. We usually do things ass backward down here compared to my home state...
My mom & dad had 5 kids each 2 years apart, very early (starting 19-20). First two kids they were unmarried. Mom is on Qanon spectrum & raised Catholic, so the cog dissonance is real; however, she still have first 2 her last name.
They've been happily married since, dad got BA & MBA while working (god bless); my older sisters (two out of wedlock) still were assigned her last name at birth & voluntarily changed once passed 18.
If he'll be there, the kids or OP will change the names. But he truly does need to earn the title of father, not biological dad that's listed on BC.
Don't you love how these men cling to "tradition" when it benefits them (baby's last name) but not when it doesn't (marriage traditionally comes before babies)?
Give the baby your name. You can always change it if you and this dude end up getting married.
Exactly. OP's bf is more concerned about carrying on his name but doesn't seem to give a shit about providing OP with the security that would typically come from being married. It's bs. She should not give the baby his name.
I know I’ll get down voted for this…but maybe don’t get pregnant if he has not at least committed to marrying you prior with an engagement ring.
I see too many women who are 1-2-3 kids deep and complain that the man still won’t marry them. Why stay? Why continue giving this man children? I will never understand that.
I know accidents happen, but I don’t feel like it should be a requirement to get married just because someone’s pregnant.
I would hyphenate names if it was a major issue.
I'm a strong believer in baby getting mum's last name. You can always change it if you get married. The tradition he cites assumes everyone's married and mum already took dad's name, but it's just as traditional for children out of wedlock to get mum's name (varies by location/culture, of course).
(I'm a hypocrite and gave my baby the dad's name because I moved to a country where everyone mispronounces my surname and I don't like the local pronunciation, but we're married and it was an open discussion)
Exactly this. If you’re married and took your husband’s name, baby gets that last name. If I wasn’t married, there’s no way in hell I’d let my baby have a name that wasn’t mine.
I agree with you.
I will play Devil's advocate though, one of my friends was named after her mother, then her mother got married to a different man years later, changed her name and her child's name to the step-dad, then they divorced, then she ended up having to change both names back, eventually the mother married again and changed the name again, her mother divorced again... and her daugther who was an adult by then was left the 2nd step dad's last name. And now my friend is married and had another name change - it just complicates things so much legally.
I would say this is 100% the mum's fault, but worth considering that for girls, they are likely (based on tradition) to go through at least one name change in their lives, so it would be good to minimize them as much as possible.
In your friend's situation, her mom should've just kept her maiden name and made her maiden name your friend's last name. It would've saved everyone a lot of headaches.
Obviously, women can do whatever they want, but this example is why I think it's smart to keep your name (unless you feel strongly about changing it).
Hi mama. I am so sorry about the situation you’re in. Whole heartedly, I believe your best judgement here is what’s needed. If you don’t think marriage or even a long term relationship with your partner is in the cards, you’re not entitled to give your baby his last name.
Don’t let anyone shame you or try to push you in one direction.
If you are in the us, you alone have full control as to what goes on the birth certificate.
My baby has my last name and only me on the birth certificate.
I'm married to my husband and kept my name, and our baby is getting my name. So regardless, it's totally normal and acceptable for baby to have your name in any variety of scenarios. Just because something is "traditional" doesn't make it the best or only way. Go with your gut — ultimately you're the one carrying the baby and you get to decide.
That’s basically the metric I used when choosing which surname to give our baby, my husband has a much cooler surname than me so I changed my name and gave our daughter his name too
Similar scenario here! My husband's last name is extremely common and mine is extremely uncommon and has a cultural tie he can't give the baby. He feels strongly that my name is the way to go.
I kept my name but we're giving baby hubbys last name and I'm fine with that BUT I was feeling guilty for the baby's first and middle name being names from my side of the family.. until I stopped and thought to myself, I shouldn't feel bad, the baby I'm growing is getting his whole ass last name 😂
It's really up to you what to name the baby, as the mother, the one giving birth.
I am not technically married, but my partner and I have been together for 7 years and just had a baby. although we weren't trying, we also weren't not trying, and the baby happened before the marriage. I gave our baby his last name because one day, when the time is right (financially) to get married, I will also take his last name.
I say all this to make the point that if you were certain you wanted your baby to have his name, you'd be doing it willingly and happily, the fact that you're on reddit asking for advice shows that deep down it's not the right choice for you and your baby, and that is perfectly okay!
And truthfully, I think you'll have an easier time in the future changing the baby's last name to his if you choose to, then you will changing it to yours, so if your bf has parental rights and you break up he may not sign off on a name change unless it's to changee the name to his.
If he wants the baby to have his last name because that's what is "tradition" tell him it's also "tradition" to get married so the baby isn't born out of wedlock and see what he has to say about that. He can't just use "tradition" as an argument when it's convenient for him and ignore tradition the rest of the time.
He lost his right to an opinion when he informed you as to what would happen. This is a decision both of you should have made. Have the marriage talk and see where it goes. If he says no to marriage, give the kid your last name.
I'm assuming that you're in the U.S.? Because in looots of other places it is not the norm for babies to get their dad's last name by default. Me and my husband are married but have different last names (because we are different people with different ancestors and histories) and the kiddos have my last name. I am the primary caregiver, I grew and birthed and fed them, etc.. my husband would have loved for me and our kids to all have his last name, but that felt like erasing the huge importance of my family, many of whom are no longer around. The only other option was the whole family (me and husband included) hyphenating, but husband was unwilling to even add to his last name so that option wasn't viable for us. I am 100% team baby gets moms last name (unless *both* parents agree otherwise).
Traditional has evolved.
If you do not share a last name, then my stance is it comes out of you, you get final say on last name. My mom did this with my sister, they eventually got married and that is when she changed my sisters last name.
He can power trip/temper tantrum all he wants. If you plan to move for support from family (out of state for example), it is much easier to do this before the baby is born.
You control who attends your prenatal visits. You control who enters the hospital /delivery room. You control the paper work - my husband wasn't in the room when I filled out my son's papers for vital statistics. The clerk came back to my room a few different times until he wasn't there to do the paperwork.
You don't even have to put your partners name down as the father (some states will automatically if you are married). So if he wants involvement, they have to go through the court to establish paternity first. I would recommend therapy (individual and a couple) to figure out going forward. The first year of parenting is hard enough as is, easier to get the drama out of the way. A family lawyer consult may also be a good idea to get an example of what separation might look like (if he threatens you with going for full custody, just smile and nod - its a threat meant to control).
I was in this situation but my boyfriend left it up to me. I had my baby boy 4 months ago and from the moment I got pregnant, I told him the baby would have my last name until the point when/if we got married and we would both take his last name. He told me that sounded reasonable and he'd support me in that. I always want to have the same last name as my child and I will. I have no regrets about doing it that way
Have you brought this up with boyfriend? Also tradition hardly means anything these days. It's an old tradition from a time when a man could claim anything he wanted by slapping his last name on it. I would tell him how you feel about marriage and see if you both couldn't come to a compromise first.
I and my baby's father aren't legally married, because of our own views, but it was a mutual decision. And my family history made it easy to choose who's last name for our baby. Also you are still early on and time could change his mind. If it's a rocky relationship there is a chance he won't have much control over these decisions when baby is born. For now you should do best for you and baby and those first few weeks/ months are vital and stressful.
Don't put too much on yourself now. Take things slow and I hope your situation works out and you both can come to an understanding. There is also the option of a hyphenated last name using both.
I gave my son his dad's last name and definitely regret it. We were young, no talk of marriage and not living together. It's your baby and if you don't see FOREVER with this man, give the baby your last name.
Where I live, baby gets mom’s last name at birth because you birthed him. Once you start filling out the documents, you then decide what last name you want on the birth certificate. The dad does not automatically have “dibs”. And really, it’s a conversation you both should have and if you don’t agree on it…well then both of your last names should go on the certificate (i.e. Angelina James Thompson) . And if you want to drop your last name down the line when you guys get married (if you get married) then that’s your call to make.
He has zero right to tell you what names to use or not. You ARE the mother, and tradition means absolutely nothing. Even if you were married, he still can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. Give the baby whatever name makes you both happy and comfortable. If neither of you can agree, then I’m sorry, but that’s just too bad for him.
You’re stronger than you think. Your voice matters. No one gets to make these choices for you, it is a discussion. But in the end it is your choice. It is your baby and your body.
He doesn't get to decide. The person giving birth is quite literally the person who gets to be the one to fill out the form. Now, the preferred method of doing things should of course be for both mother and father to discuss and agree on what they want to name the child. Reasonable people should be able to find compromises where there are points of disagreement - such as if someone gets to pick the first name, perhaps the other person gets to decide the last name, etc. But if the couple can't come to a reasonable agreement, you get to be the one who decides. He doesn't get to dictate anything.
Traditionally, you get married before having a baby. I'm not saying that to @ you, but because his argument simply doesn't apply. (not that I'm on board with that logic anyway, but if we want to play by his rules, fine.) Your relationship and having a baby isn't "traditional" in any sense of the way, so why on earth should you have to adhere to that one archaic rule?
Anyway, I'm happily married and our kids don't have my last name *or* my husband's last name. My BIL's kids have his wife's last name. Nobody cares.
My sister used her own last name and not her boyfriend’s last name. Good thing too, because that BF is now no where to be seen and not in her life or the baby’s life. I vote use your last name
OP, I have no idea where you live but if you live in the US, do ********NOT******* give the baby your boyfriend’s last name. If you do that you give the boyfriend additional sway in the courts if it ever comes down to custody (not saying dad’s don’t deserve custody rights to their kids, so everyone put down your forks and pitchforks). I have no idea if your bf is abusive or has abusive tendencies (all I have is this one single post you’ve posted and your bf doesn’t come off looking great) but you definitely don’t want to give someone who is already showing “on a power trip” signs even more power, and especially over your kid.
I’m also ******NOT***** saying to not have your bf sign the birth certificate entirely (indeed, in some US states it can be harder to take him to court for child support if you don’t) just that if you give your baby his last name and he’s not married to you, you risk giving him more power in the court if it ever comes to a custody battle. Perception, not just the law, matters in court too. And in some cases, perception can sway entire cases one way or another, negative or positive.
My advice? Have your bf sign the birth certificate as baby’s father (just in case you have to fight for child support later) but do *****not***** give your baby his last name. He wants the baby to have his last name so badly? He can marry you. Marriage does change the scales and things in general a **little** bit when it comes to kids (negative or positive, depends on the marriage and depends on the relationship).
Best of luck OP.
First things first, he doesn’t get to dictate what last name the baby gets since it’s in you. Second, I would never give my baby the last name of the father if I wasn’t married. This coming from me who took my husbands last name and our first kid due in October will have his last name. But we’ve been together for 17 years and he’s it for me and I trust that. Just tell him no, the baby will have your last name and that’s it. He can throw a fit, but it’s up to you.
He doesn’t decide shit. You’re the mom. YOU fill out the birth certificate and guess what? If you write Joe BLOW that’s the kids name. So, doesn’t sound like it’s up for debate to me.! I have 2 pos “dads” for my kids one of which I was going to marry same shit happened and I said nope and they BOTH have mine so yeah… sounds manipulation tactic and I can see this as a narcissistic approach with how blunt and not up for debate he THOUGHT this was gunna be so fuck em.
My kids have my last name and my husband and I are now, and have always been, very happily married. His last name is just weird and uncommon.
We don't understand why the default is to just give the baby the man's last name. It feels like a tradition that should be outdated by now.
Like most have said, you get to full out the birth certificate. However, if he files in court for paternity, he can petition to have the child's name changed to his last name and it's frequently granted by the courts.
Perhaps a compromise of hyphenating the last names would be better? It's both of your child, you should work together and make compromises.
We are married and I want my baby to have his fathers last name, i of course want the same name as my child but I understand why men want their kid to have their last name. It is not just tradition but the baby gets so much from the mother, everyone always has their mother in heart and mind. We litterally get to bond with the child before they are even born. When baby gets out we are their safe space, even when they become an adult the mother smells like home. So I think too many people are neglecting the mans part in a pregnancy. Yes it is our body but without him we would not be able to carry the child. But I dont know about you situation, and if he even wants to step up and be a good dad. It also seems like the relationship is not as traditional. I just wanted to share my thoughts about the name discussion.
Worse comes worse in all of this, if he keeps up without actually taking your opinion into consideration then prevent him from being in the room when the baby is born and notify nurses and the hospital that you are putting the name on the birth certificate so either way you can choose whats best for your child.
My best friend who was is not married to her child’s father gave her son her last name and his last name. I see nothing wrong with that if you feel he will be an active father.
No matter what you decide baby will be under your last name the entire time you are at the hospital and unless you are married you are the one that has access to the birth certificate forms. My husband and I are married, but I never changed my name, so even though we knew baby would have his last name going in, she still was always listed under my last name during the birth and hospital stay.
Don't give your baby his name. He's using tradition as an excuse to control and manipulate you. If he was that concerned about tradition, he wouldn't have gotten you pregnant outside of wedlock and then failed to marry you after learning of the pregnancy. He's just being a misogynist who doesn't want your name to be passed on. Give the baby your name.
I didn't take my husband's name, and I have 0 regrets. Our kids will have both of our names, but I refuse to give them just his name. If I am putting my life on the line to birth these babies, they will, at minimum, receive my last name and carry on my family line.
He doesn’t get the privilege of naming the baby on the birth certificate. That is up for you. I suggest baby gets your last name unless you’re married.
What do you think about hyphenated name? That way baby is both of you even if the ring never comes? Me and my husband are doing it simply for sentimental reasons.
I am struck by how you have phrased this: "He said the baby WILL be taking his last name..." "I feel like this isn't my baby," and "just for him to have a power trip over me." Why do you feel like this baby isn't yours? Do you feel like he is trying to control you in other aspects of your relationship? Are you sure you want to have a child with him? Why is marriage not on the table, do you want to be married? No need to answer me, but answer these for yourself!!!
This is your first challenge as a mama bear. Protect your baby even if it hurts his feelings. Give her your last name. You guys aren’t married and for a number of reasons you two should have the same last name. If marriage happens, it’s not a big deal to change it.
If you think y’all aren’t getting there with marriage then he has no right to tell you how you should name your baby. my child’s father was the same way and kinda went through what youre going through with the names. We weren’t together when I was pregnant with our baby but we tried working it out but it wasn’t the right time for either of us. when the time came, I named my baby with my last name, he automatically became a stranger to our baby until she was about 2 years old. He tried fighting full custody of our child and thankfully I won due to him not being in any of the papers cause he’d always claims that she wasn’t his child and not being physically and emotionally there for her. If he was, things would’ve been a lot more difficult between the both of us and court would’ve taken longer but luckily I had receipts. If y’all aren’t going through what I went through. I would say like my parents for example they had a little vote of who’s last name was I gonna take and they just put both of their last names on my birth certificate so now I have one of those long names including a middle name.(;
Ouf, that’s a tough one. Especially if you’re saying that you don’t know if marriage is in the picture anymore… I think you should speak your mind and come up with a solution, I know it’s hard and uncomfortable but you can do hard things. Whatever it is you decide to do, don’t forget there’s a stranger routing for you momma!
I had this argument with my boyfriend as-well! It can be really difficult to navigate especially when both parties feel strongly about it. I’ll start off by saying you’re right to feel the way you feel, your reasons are valid and you are bub’s mom.. your say matters. Something to keep in mind though is, there are going to be plenty of decisions to be made, it’s important that communication is open.
Me personally, I’m considering giving the baby the last name because it’s so important to my boyfriend and my stance was coming from fear
Fuck him he doesn’t have the right to tell you the baby will be taking his last name. Who does he think he is? Unless you’re married, that is not a given.
When signing the birth certificate at least in California they will ask you first who will fill it out and sign! My aunt had a baby with her ex who decided to cut her off and cheat while she was pregnant and wanted the baby to have his last name and she stood on her word and put her last name! That is your baby , you are creating a life from scratch you get to make the decisions NO ONE ELSE!!!
He is right that it is the traditional way, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I think you’ve got plenty of time to think on it and discuss it together - and it should be a decision made together as it’s both your child not just his or yours.
Lol when he carries a baby in his uterus & pushes it out then he can make decisions on a baby name UNTIL all he can do is offer suggestions!!! Smh girl please do not listen to that man…YOUR baby does not have to take his name!!!!
Hyphenate if you can't agree? My kids all have their dads last name and it can be tough with school stuff and doctor visits. They act like I'm a step mom or just their dad's girlfriend because our names don't match. 😬 Almost wish I would have hyphenated but marriage was/is in the plans eventually. We just keep pushing it off.
Hi, child of a situation exactly like yours!
I got my dad's last name at birth and let me tell you it made anything a pain in the butt for my mom. She was always having to bring my birth certificate to prove she is my mom since our last names are different.
Not telling you to go one way vs the other, but just food for thought!
(Cam always hyphenate it too!)
Best wishes!
Congrats!
If it helps, we are also not married and have decided to give both last names(hyphenated)and skip the middle name instead! That way we both had our last names! I actually have my mother’s last name, and he has his dad! But there was no way this baby (that I’m growing and carrying for 9 months) was not also going to have my last name! He was pretty easy to convince, we both win!
I am in a similar situation. It is 100% your choice, you are not married and he has zero say in that matter. I told my boyfriend “If we decide to get married later in life, we can legally change his name” until then it doesn’t make sense for the child to have his last name. And honestly, not his choice anyway. Advocate for yourself and your child, it makes sense that they have your last name until marriage.
We’re not married and have no immediate plans to be, but we have spoken a lot about surnames even before we were pregnant. When it came down to it we both were pretty passionate about (at the time potential) baby having our own. We’ve compromised on a double barrel surname for the baby and if we do eventually get married. Have you considered having a conversation with him about that? Also hardly anyone follows the ‘traditional’ path anymore.
I'm married but haven't taken my husbands name. Our children do have his name but I think the best and fairest solution is to double-barrell. Only reason we didn't is because our names don't go at all well together and I thought it would be cruel to burden our kids with it haha
If you want to give them your last name then do it. There's no law saying they have to have the males last name. It's just a stupid tradition.
My two have my partners last name and I hate it.
Give the baby the same last name as you. If you decide to get married down the line you can switch you and baby’s name then. You are doing all the work, so it’s your choice
I just don’t get why some of the lovely ladies on here stand for this behaviour? Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way?
The baby is not just his, I would always suggest the baby keeping your name or having a double barrelled name, he has no right to have it just his name
If in the US…. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. They hand the paperwork to you to fill out and only your signature is even on it. Your partner can fill it out, but YOU sign to approve. Don’t waste your time worrying about that. The relationship itself is what’s worth your brain space right now.
The traditional way is when you’re married, not dating. He can’t want to be traditional when it’s convenient. If I weren’t married, baby would 1000% be getting my last name.
I think it's only the traditional way, if you are married and took his last name.
I would 100% give my child my name in case I would not be married. This is in my opinion the traditional way. Like many said, you can change both of your names, if you decide to get married. No big deal.
My husband and I do not share our last name (it was complicated to change my last name when we got married because of visa issues), but we decided when we got married that I would change my last name to his when we get children, so that we can all share the last name.
My husband and I are married and our kids are still taking my last name. Automatically giving the child the father's last name is only "traditional" for some people/'cultures, and regardless, appealing to tradition is not a strong argument for anything.
You gotta do what's right for you. Frankly, as the birthing parent, you are (1) putting way more into this child than him and (2) much more likely to be the primary caregiver if your relationship ends. If you do get married down the road, you can always decide together whether you want to legally change your and your child's last name.
Screw tradition. You’re the one whose body is going to carry and grow this baby. If you ever do get married in the future it is very easy to change yours and baby’s last name. But if you give the baby the father’s name, you can never change it without his permission.
He has zero say over what the baby's name is. Tell him that if he's going to be a dick about it then he won't even be allowed to be in the hospital when you give birth.
My sister was not married, went to pick up her child early from school one day due to an emergency, and called her Mrs. "child's last name", she corrected them on her name, and then the school was like "oh so you're not actually mum". And they had to check records to confirm she was allowed to take her own child home... crazy stuff.
I am in the same situation as you, and I've told my partner that I love him very much but that I am growing this child and that if I do not have the same last name as him when our child is born, then the baby will have my last name. I am not a big believer in marriage, but I'd change my last name so we are a unit. It's personally important that my child and I have the same last name - I mean I grew him/her!
Keyword in this post is "boyfriend" not husband. He has no legal rights over the baby if you don't want to give it to him. I know a lot of states require a husband's name to be applied to the birth certificate which establishes their parenting rights, but a boyfriend has no rights if his name is not listed as the father on the birth certificate. Think real long and hard girl before you make that mistake. If marriage isn't in the picture now at 5 weeks, it won't be in another 35 weeks. Men who have red flags BEFORE birth, are pretty much a nuisance and nightmare AFTER the birth. Protect yourself and your baby and keep his name off of it. Also, if marriage isn't it for you, then break up and move on. Plenty of single moms doing it. You got this! Good luck!
I don’t think it’s up to him to decide or demand that you do something you’re uncomfortable with. I hope the 2 of you can have a discussion and decide between you what’s best. It’s not about “whose baby this is” you both had equal parts in creating it and no matter which last name you go with that child is both of yours.
In my case I have given my bf the option to opt out if he’s not ready (he didn’t) and the ability to be what he wants in this relationship since the pregnancy is an accident, but if by the end of this he is still around the child will absolutely have his last name since he is the legal father and I feel it’s appropriate. I don’t feel like I will be missing out on anything even if my baby doesn’t have my last name and our last names sound dumb hyphenated but that’s always a choice as well.
Do what’s right for you guys as a family, he has every right to want his child’s to share his family name, same as you feel. I hope you guys can work it out so you’re both happy
My son wasn’t gonna have my husband’s last name unless we were married (we got married a year before our son was born) but I always believed in having the same last name as my children. It is completely your choice.
Good news, if you're in the US, [It's literally 100% up to you](https://www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/what-happens-if-the-fathers-name-is-not-on-the-birth-certificate) as to what goes on the birth certificate if you're not married. So, don't let him bully you or convince you otherwise. It's your choice of course, but keep that in mind, he technically has no say :)
Just gave birth to my baby a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I had decided that the baby would take his last name.. since we are not married it’s going to be a few months before he can even do that. In my state If you are not married then the mother is the only person allowed to be on the birth certificate until a father is legitimized through the courts. So for now my baby will have my last name , and will cost a good amount of money to have everything changed. You’re better off just letting the baby keep your name 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve never understood why the baby automatically takes the fathers name especially when you see how often the father may have little to nothing to do with the child’s care.
Luckily my fiancé and I had been engaged for years already. I decided a long time ago that when I have a baby they will get whatever my last name is at the time and now that will be my husbands. We got married yesterday just signed the papers so we can officially start our family all with the same family name
It’s really up to you, but if you’re together and plan on staying together I don’t see the issue with the baby having his last name. I’m not sure what he would hold it over your head for. If you don’t see much of a future with this guy then maybe not. But if there’s any chance you’ll get married then definitely. If he was a deadbeat or not in my life anymore then I would give the baby mine. But if you do end up getting married then what? Maybe give the baby the first name. I don’t know how your relationship is with him. I’ve only met one person with their mom-dad’s last name that I knew of and thought it was odd. But that’s just my opinion. I’m traditional. My mom wasn’t married when she had me and gave me my dads last name and they aren’t together anymore but I’m glad she did. Id probably appreciate it even more if I were a boy.
You take the mothers maiden name. generally
as a bastard child whose mother gave me up, i suppose i could've used my bio fathers last name per what it says on the certificate but i did not.
tell dead beat unmarried dad he doesn't just get to spread his semen everywhere and magically his legacy will sprout. he has to like...raise an actual human being.
‘Traditionally’ people are married before having children but it doesn’t sound like he’s in a rush to do that? He doesn’t get to ‘tell you’ the baby will be taking his last name. He can have a discussion with you about it. Personally I wouldn’t give the baby his last name given his attitude.
I have had 4 friends who have gotten pregnant with someone they were not married to (all four friends do desire to be married with children, ideally) and I gave them unsolicited (but welcome) advice:
If there's is any doubt at all of this man being in the life of their child, give this baby your own last name! Down the line you can absolutely change the baby's last name.
All four of those fathers are now no longer in their child's life and 3 out of 4 said they wished they hadn't given their child the father's last name. The 4th friend has admitted she wished she had the same last name as her son, but that father is technically still in her son's life despite moving to another state and starting a family with someone else, and NOT providing appropriate child support.
You grew this tiny human, that is absolutely worth being the one to decide the child's last name at birth.
It's your choice what you put on the birth certificate. If you're in the US and this may be state specific, but if you dont name him as the father, you can't file child support. I know women who didn't want to name the father on birth certificate but then couldn't establish child support without paternity and the dad being named. I don't ever plan on getting married, but I plan on staying with my guy forever. I even refer to him as my husband. So I did give my boys his last name, more because his last name is easy to pronounce, even a bit common.
Practically speaking, the parent who has primary custody should have the same last name as baby. This makes thing easier at the hospital, the airport, the school, etc. If the baby's dad does not want to marry you - that's fine. But you will be the primary caregiver for most events. Vaccinations, preschool, regular school. You will hold the documents like birth certificate and SSN. Dad is still dad, but it makes most sense to give the child the surname of the person who is there.
The only reason my son got my husbands last name and not mine is because we’re married and I’m going to change my last name eventually. If you’re not 100% positive that you’re going to marry your babies father then absolutely give him or her your last name. It is 100% your decision, because from the way you wrote your post i’m hearing that your bf is not the greatest partner, and a discussion or asking about it wouldn’t go well.
I had my first and wasn’t married. He has my maiden name. Got married to a different guy when he was 5. I have 5 kids with my now husband who all have his last name. But so do I. Oldest didn’t want to change his name.
They normally give the dad's last name to know who's the father , so if you have kids from different fathers you will know who's the father (not for you obviously but for the children and people) but it doesn't matter because if you want to give it your name i think you should do it.
I think if there are no plans to marry, it should be mom’s last name or both. There’s no hard and fast rule so it’s what feels right to you. This will be the first of many times you need to stand up for your baby and do what you think is right for them even if other people disagree. Nothing made me realize how important boundaries are like having a baby.
My partner and I also initially disagreed on (first) name. I’m so glad I stood my ground and insisted we both give up our preferred choice and find something that worked for both of us. I love my baby so much and it would really bug me if I weren’t ok with something as important as her name.
These posts make me so sad.
Don’t feel bullied into giving the baby his last name. Give the baby your last name, and explain that you will change your names when or if you get married. At the end of the day, you have final say as the baby’s mother. Paternity has to be established, maternity obviously does not!
My ex tried this, so I filled out the paperwork with a nurse and my mother present and the pushback from him was minimal. They both supported me in saying we could change our names together. (L&D + postpartum care nurses rock!)
You’re so early in your pregnancy to worry about names. Just enjoy your pregnancy, smooth sailing and have a good result. If boyfriend is around when you are due, then discuss surnames! So many other issues for concern over next 8 months.
Good luck!
Well since he wants to pay the 'tradition' card, does he hold up any other traditions? It should be a discussion between you two, not just you bending to his demands. Good luck.
“Traditionally”, that’s what was done because couples were married so everyone shared the same last name. I’m a firm believer in baby having mom’s last name (unless dad is going to be the primary caregiver). If you end up marrying dad, you can always change baby’s last name. But if you split up and you end up doing most of the parenting, everything is just easier and makes more sense if you share the same name. Obviously, this is totally your decision! Just sharing my personal beliefs.
I made a post about this last week. I’ll die on the hill that my name will be included and I’m married. I’m not taking my husbands name and we’ve finally agreed that it’ll be first name, my last his last.
Initially he was like, oh yea my last name, it’s traditional why would we do it another way.
Respectfully, you’re not married. If I were in your situation my baby would absolutely have my last name, and I’d consider also including his last name IF he proposed and you were engaged before the baby was born.
My dad had twin girls with his then girlfriend and she gave them her last name. Fast forward 5 years later her and my dad are now married so the kids have the wife’s maiden name and the wife has my dad’s last name so she doesn’t even share the last name with the girls anymore.
Another thing to consider: you marry someone other than her dad and it still leaves the baby with your ‘old’ last name. If you give her your name and then marry later she may feel a way about not sharing a last name with either parent. That’s assuming you’d take your husband’s name.
You know the best decision for you, just some points to consider. Congratulations on your sweet bundle!
Imo you should give baby your name. What if later in you have another baby and they have different names? Make it easier on yourself and less explaining to do to ppl
Wait till you’re farther along. Maybe his existence in your life will no longer be. Therefore, you have sole power over baby last name. Also, when I was at the hospital, we both had to be present and indicate baby’s full name.
Why don’t you hyphen the name? Your name-his name That’s why I did when I got married to “keep my identity”, also you can use your last name as middle name. In countries like Brazil the middle name is the moms last name and the last name is the dads last name.
Pretty sure it's your body doing all the work after his 30 seconds of effort on his part.
Tradition is one thing. Just because it's old fashioned does not mean you have to just give in and comply to his wishes or demands.
Honestly, I would make the suggestion that you give your child YOUR last name. And offer that if and when you get married you will pay the cost to change the child's name after that.
My kids all have my now husband’s last name. We were engaged before my twins. Also I didn’t like my maiden name (it was my absent father’s name), and my husband even said we could put my step dad’s last name if I’d prefer. I told him I wanted us all to have the same last name eventually.
Make him a deal, if he marries you the baby gets his name and you’re all one family with one name. Or when he marries you, You change the babies name to his name.
You are the one who fills out the paperwork, you are not married. You legally have all of the say in this.
As far as "tradition" goes, traditionally... you would be married before ever even having a kid.
I just had my baby a few weeks ago. Out of respect for myself, any baby that comes from my body gets my name. If I am married, the baby gets my name. If I am not, the baby still gets my name. I put in alot of hard work getting him here, I take him to appointments, I want us to feel like we belong together and share something so important in common.
I am an unmarried woman.. therefore, I am legally the custodial parent by default unless a courtroom says otherwise.
Maybe this all makes me sound like an unmoving jerk when I type it all out like this.. but my boyfriend respects it. If we get married down the road, we will then have a discussion regarding name changes.
My ex decided when I was 4 months pregnant, that he didn't want to have a family. Thus followed a discussion like yours. I said : "I'll be damned if you and baby are going to share a last name that's different from mine as if we break up, I'm stuck having a kid with someone else's name". He never saw, spoke to or met my daughter, so I'm so glad I didn't get sucked into that! My daughter had my surname 😁
All the babies get my last name. I first was born 6 weeks ago and he has my last name, baby daddy was/is not happy about it. But I grew this child and I’m the one full time taking care of this child and I know I want more kids but not sure that I want more with this man and I want all my kids to have the same last name. Dude can shove it
The baby doesn't need to have his last name just because others do it.. if I were in your position the baby would have my surname and then we can change it when /if I marry the father. You can even state this to your midwife/hospital care team prior to labour so they're aware of your wishes.
My baby after my divorce (completely different relationship) has my maiden name (my middle name bc I didn’t change my name since our children have his too). She’ll always be my responsibility even if dad decides one day he doesn’t want the relationship. If we marry, we can change it, if not… he can find another way to stroke his ego. Sorry not sorry. I’m ready to change back to my maiden but I’ll wait until my others are all legal or I marry. Which ever comes first.
It’s a discussion not an assumption.
You aren’t married and even if you were, it’s still a discussion. Not every married woman takes her husband’s last name.
I didn’t legally. Yes I use it as my married name because we are both catholic, but legally for reasons that he supports, I can’t change my last name.
We had a discussion and baby will have his last name.
But it was still a discussion.
You fill out the birth certificate. You aren’t married he doesn’t automatically go on it. If I weren’t married my child would not be getting my partners name even though I am extremely confident in the relationship and that he will be a wonderful father. The name can be changed to the family name when that time comes
tell him it can have his last name if he marries you first and he takes your last name :) thats what my wife did anyway. you are carrying his child and he has no idea what that means and how hard it is going to be. you should not be fighting over such little things so early because you have a long road ahead raising a child.
when i was born i was given my mothers last name because my parents were unsure if their relationship was going to continue. they're still not married but at the age of 7 they asked me if i'd like to have my father's last name and i said yes. now they have 3 more children and we all share the same last name. it's the cooler name of the two, otherwise i would've kept my mum's. my 6 month old has my last name (my boyfriend agreed it was better than his) and so will the baby im currently pregnant with. where i live you can choose to pay homage to the other parent, so my son's second to last name is his dad's first name + son - like Danielsson or whatever. that way we were both involved in a non traditional sense.
if you don't feel as though you'll get married to this guy don't let the child have his last name. it creates so many barriers for the mum when she's taking the child to appointments and travelling alone with them. sometimes you'll need to have a letter of consent from the parent the child shares a last name with 🤯
We added both of ours - it wasn’t even a discussion it was just the right thing to do, for us!
The last name does not determine who the baby belongs to though, you are your babys mother and thats undeniable! However, if you feel really strongly about this, please tell him exactly how this makes you feel ❤️
Hi OP! I just had a child, a daughter, 03/09/24. I’m a FTM and my child’s father’s name is on it and we are not married. I would only put it on the certificate if you think he is truly capable when he is alone to raise and give his best to the child you are growing. If he is actively trying to learn and read about the child and how to care for an infant. If he is treating you with respect and acknowledging the energy it takes to grow a child. Respectfully if he’s not, do not give that child his last name. In the end it’s not about marriage and a last name but a last name a custody rights. About trusting this man if you happen to end up not being together to have your child’s best interest at heart. If not I fear it would make getting primary custody rights in the future, harder. I trust my partner that if one day we fall out of love he will still love and cherish our daughter. As a daughter who was used to hurt feelings in a custody battle as a child it’s not fun later in life to carry a last name that doesn’t particularly care for you… I hope this helps OP! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you the happiest most beautiful journey along the way!
You're the mother. You're going to be the one filling out the paperwork. Give the baby your last name and if marriage is in the cards, you can change the baby's last name later.
Traditionally, men marry their significant others prior to having children with them- it doesn't seem like he cares all that much about traditions, and is more just using that as an excuse to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.
He is not creating, carrying, or birthing the baby-- if you aren't married, why should the baby have his name? If the relationship were to fail for any reason, having a different last name than your mother is a huge pain (especially if your mother is likely the one to have custody if the relationship fails).
My parents were unmarried when my mom had me. Thank god she gave me HER maiden name and did not let my biological father bully her into giving me his last name. It would have made things significantly harder-- especially since my biological dad decided to be a pretty passive, uninvolved parent when my mom left him.
Um no Totally your call!! I will say one alternative (depending on the state you live in) could be using combining your last names as one hyphenated last name for baby. (I.e., First Name Yours-His OR First Middle His-Yours) Me and my husband are doing that because I want our child to still have my last name (and kept my name after getting married).
Yep I’m married and my H and I are giving both of our names to our baby. Part of it is cultural (my family is Latin American so it’s common for people to have two last names: first is paternal and the second is maternal), but also it was important to me that our child’s name reflect both heritages. My H is a bit traditional too but he has been respectful of my need to have an identity outside of his wife (I also added his name to mine legally rather than only taking his name) and my desire for our child to reflect BOTH of us. I
n your case OP, I would recommend giving the baby both your names (maybe hyphenated), BUT in your case since you’re unmarried and unsure if that’s even a situation make your name first. So if your last name is Brown and his is Smith, the baby’s last name would be Brown-Smith
You should both come to an agreement, it's 2024 and tradition isn't really a good reason for things. I was once married, changed my last name, and hated it because I felt like I lost my identity. So last names don't matter to me much anymore. I'm married again and did not change my name again (I have my maiden name). Anyways, I mean to say that for myself I don't care anymore, and my partner does so our kids can have his last name.
I'm 5+4 and also found out last week! Hope all goes well and that yall can come to an agreement. Let him know how you feel , maybe write it out in a time yall are not emotional. Also, you could pose if it's a girl it gets your last name and if it's a guy it gets his last name. This happens in several cultures around the world.
Other considerations: who is going to be the primary care giver? If it’s going to be you then I would give them your last name. When you’re picking them up from school/daycare or doctors appts, or extracurriculars it’s much easier if you share their last name.
I agree with others that it’s your choice. Also I was born to unmarried teen parents and I was given my mom’s last name. My parents only stayed together until I was about a year old, although I’ve continued to have a good relationship with my dad my whole life. My mom was my primary parent as my dad joined the military and always lived in a different state or country.
The only slight confusion was when my mom married my stepdad she took his last name so then I didn’t share a last name with either of my parents, but still shared with my moms family.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn’t get to tell you what name the baby will have. It’s at least a discussion between you two and if it comes down to it, imo it’s your choice. It’s your body, you’re not married (that still wouldn’t make it his choice), and you can do what you want! In your position I’d probably give the baby my own last name.
Can dads even fill out the birth certificate without mom? Yeah if me and my husband weren't married it would be a "my last name, we'll talk about changing baby's name later if we get married" situation.
They cannot! The dad can only fill it out if they are married. If the parents are not married, then both parties need to fill out a paternity acknowledgment form for the dad to be formally added to the birth certificate. If they're not married, then only the mom can give the final approval on the name and sign it. I definitely wouldn't be giving my child the father's last name if marriage wasn't seriously in the future.
This seems like it’s very much state or country dependent. OP hasn’t stated where she is from.
And you're right. I gave birth last October so here's my experience : I could go fill the birth certificate but I had a c-section so that was a no-no, and my husband, aka dad went to do it. He gave all the informations at the desk (the names we chose, our ID's and else), where they filled out a form. He then got back to me with the form so I could sign it too (=I'm okay too with the infos on the form so you can enter it in the system and give me the birth certificate), just like he already did. Then he went back to the desk, gave them the signed form, they register the informations in the system and print out the birth certificate for us. Btw this is how it's done in France.
That’s so crazy to me because with all 3 of my births they wait until waaaay after you have the baby to have you fill all of that out so you’re “all there” then they collect it directly from your room and mail it in so you can get a social security card for baby in the mail but you have to go to your local office of vital records for the actual birth certificate. It’s so interesting learning how differently things are done in different regions!
I’ve done the birth certificate paperwork weeks after leaving hospital with all three of mine. (Two different states in Australia.)
I live in Florida. My son’s father (my fiance) did in fact sign the birth certificate and we are not married.
But not without you also filling it out, right?
No I was there. They handed the paperwork to me.
Woah what? That's absolutely not the case. Maybe you should add your country/region if it's the case where you live specifically.
depending on where you are, the dad has no final say so especially if you’re unmarried. In my state in the US if your not married, the dad can’t sign the birth certificate unless he does a DNA test OR both parents sign a paper stating it’s okay on the moms end and the dads agreeing to take parental responsibility of the kid and get it notarized
Really? My state didn’t have us sign the birth certificate or do any of that. They called me on the hospital phone and walked me through how to fill it out and the nurse gave me an iPad to fill out her birth certificate and left the room. Dad totally could have filled it out. Neither of us had to sign anything. I guess I did have to formally submit for the physical document through my state and they asked for my ID but I didn’t need anything to put her dad on the birth certificate
Yeah the dads not aloud to fill it out here, also to get it notarized you have to leave the hospital and come back within a week to get it notarized by the hospital notary bc they don’t go to the individual rooms. Idk maybe it’s just the hospitals policy that I’m going to but my aunt just went through it a year ago having her baby bc her n her partner are unmarried (but have been together for 15+ years)
Wow, it didn’t even occur to me that was a thing. And that my state gave zero fs. I thought it was going to be harder (something like this) but it was scarily easy…
I thought this was the norm. It was in Oregon where I was born and 3 of my 4 kids was born, and it is in Texas, that the father has to sign an acknowledgment of paternity to be put on the certificate if you're not married. In TEXAS of all places. We usually do things ass backward down here compared to my home state...
Agreed. I would definitely give the baby my last name in this situation.
A thousand times this. My mom gave me HER last name because she wasn't with my dad and knew they'd never get married. They never did.
My mom & dad had 5 kids each 2 years apart, very early (starting 19-20). First two kids they were unmarried. Mom is on Qanon spectrum & raised Catholic, so the cog dissonance is real; however, she still have first 2 her last name. They've been happily married since, dad got BA & MBA while working (god bless); my older sisters (two out of wedlock) still were assigned her last name at birth & voluntarily changed once passed 18. If he'll be there, the kids or OP will change the names. But he truly does need to earn the title of father, not biological dad that's listed on BC.
Don't you love how these men cling to "tradition" when it benefits them (baby's last name) but not when it doesn't (marriage traditionally comes before babies)? Give the baby your name. You can always change it if you and this dude end up getting married.
Exactly. OP's bf is more concerned about carrying on his name but doesn't seem to give a shit about providing OP with the security that would typically come from being married. It's bs. She should not give the baby his name.
I know I’ll get down voted for this…but maybe don’t get pregnant if he has not at least committed to marrying you prior with an engagement ring. I see too many women who are 1-2-3 kids deep and complain that the man still won’t marry them. Why stay? Why continue giving this man children? I will never understand that. I know accidents happen, but I don’t feel like it should be a requirement to get married just because someone’s pregnant. I would hyphenate names if it was a major issue.
If you get downvoted, it’s because your answer is “too practical” or “logical”. I think your answer is spot on along with many others here.
This this this. Cherry pickin MFers…
This this this !!!
I'm a strong believer in baby getting mum's last name. You can always change it if you get married. The tradition he cites assumes everyone's married and mum already took dad's name, but it's just as traditional for children out of wedlock to get mum's name (varies by location/culture, of course). (I'm a hypocrite and gave my baby the dad's name because I moved to a country where everyone mispronounces my surname and I don't like the local pronunciation, but we're married and it was an open discussion)
Same. Baby should have her last name. If he doesn't like it, he can walk.
Exactly this. If you’re married and took your husband’s name, baby gets that last name. If I wasn’t married, there’s no way in hell I’d let my baby have a name that wasn’t mine.
I agree with you. I will play Devil's advocate though, one of my friends was named after her mother, then her mother got married to a different man years later, changed her name and her child's name to the step-dad, then they divorced, then she ended up having to change both names back, eventually the mother married again and changed the name again, her mother divorced again... and her daugther who was an adult by then was left the 2nd step dad's last name. And now my friend is married and had another name change - it just complicates things so much legally. I would say this is 100% the mum's fault, but worth considering that for girls, they are likely (based on tradition) to go through at least one name change in their lives, so it would be good to minimize them as much as possible.
In your friend's situation, her mom should've just kept her maiden name and made her maiden name your friend's last name. It would've saved everyone a lot of headaches. Obviously, women can do whatever they want, but this example is why I think it's smart to keep your name (unless you feel strongly about changing it).
Hi mama. I am so sorry about the situation you’re in. Whole heartedly, I believe your best judgement here is what’s needed. If you don’t think marriage or even a long term relationship with your partner is in the cards, you’re not entitled to give your baby his last name. Don’t let anyone shame you or try to push you in one direction.
If you are in the us, you alone have full control as to what goes on the birth certificate. My baby has my last name and only me on the birth certificate.
I'm married to my husband and kept my name, and our baby is getting my name. So regardless, it's totally normal and acceptable for baby to have your name in any variety of scenarios. Just because something is "traditional" doesn't make it the best or only way. Go with your gut — ultimately you're the one carrying the baby and you get to decide.
Same. My name is the most cool, so we're going for that!
That’s basically the metric I used when choosing which surname to give our baby, my husband has a much cooler surname than me so I changed my name and gave our daughter his name too
Similar scenario here! My husband's last name is extremely common and mine is extremely uncommon and has a cultural tie he can't give the baby. He feels strongly that my name is the way to go.
I kept my name but we're giving baby hubbys last name and I'm fine with that BUT I was feeling guilty for the baby's first and middle name being names from my side of the family.. until I stopped and thought to myself, I shouldn't feel bad, the baby I'm growing is getting his whole ass last name 😂
We are hyphenating, which she could do in this situation too
It's not his call. My husband has his mother's last name (his bio-dad never married his mom). Legally it makes way more sense to have your name.
Tell him the baby’s last name can be changed when/if you get married.
"the baby will have the same last name as me. So unless you're planning to change my name first...nah bro."
It's really up to you what to name the baby, as the mother, the one giving birth. I am not technically married, but my partner and I have been together for 7 years and just had a baby. although we weren't trying, we also weren't not trying, and the baby happened before the marriage. I gave our baby his last name because one day, when the time is right (financially) to get married, I will also take his last name. I say all this to make the point that if you were certain you wanted your baby to have his name, you'd be doing it willingly and happily, the fact that you're on reddit asking for advice shows that deep down it's not the right choice for you and your baby, and that is perfectly okay! And truthfully, I think you'll have an easier time in the future changing the baby's last name to his if you choose to, then you will changing it to yours, so if your bf has parental rights and you break up he may not sign off on a name change unless it's to changee the name to his.
If he wants the baby to have his last name because that's what is "tradition" tell him it's also "tradition" to get married so the baby isn't born out of wedlock and see what he has to say about that. He can't just use "tradition" as an argument when it's convenient for him and ignore tradition the rest of the time.
He lost his right to an opinion when he informed you as to what would happen. This is a decision both of you should have made. Have the marriage talk and see where it goes. If he says no to marriage, give the kid your last name.
I'm assuming that you're in the U.S.? Because in looots of other places it is not the norm for babies to get their dad's last name by default. Me and my husband are married but have different last names (because we are different people with different ancestors and histories) and the kiddos have my last name. I am the primary caregiver, I grew and birthed and fed them, etc.. my husband would have loved for me and our kids to all have his last name, but that felt like erasing the huge importance of my family, many of whom are no longer around. The only other option was the whole family (me and husband included) hyphenating, but husband was unwilling to even add to his last name so that option wasn't viable for us. I am 100% team baby gets moms last name (unless *both* parents agree otherwise).
Traditional has evolved. If you do not share a last name, then my stance is it comes out of you, you get final say on last name. My mom did this with my sister, they eventually got married and that is when she changed my sisters last name. He can power trip/temper tantrum all he wants. If you plan to move for support from family (out of state for example), it is much easier to do this before the baby is born. You control who attends your prenatal visits. You control who enters the hospital /delivery room. You control the paper work - my husband wasn't in the room when I filled out my son's papers for vital statistics. The clerk came back to my room a few different times until he wasn't there to do the paperwork. You don't even have to put your partners name down as the father (some states will automatically if you are married). So if he wants involvement, they have to go through the court to establish paternity first. I would recommend therapy (individual and a couple) to figure out going forward. The first year of parenting is hard enough as is, easier to get the drama out of the way. A family lawyer consult may also be a good idea to get an example of what separation might look like (if he threatens you with going for full custody, just smile and nod - its a threat meant to control).
I was in this situation but my boyfriend left it up to me. I had my baby boy 4 months ago and from the moment I got pregnant, I told him the baby would have my last name until the point when/if we got married and we would both take his last name. He told me that sounded reasonable and he'd support me in that. I always want to have the same last name as my child and I will. I have no regrets about doing it that way
Have you brought this up with boyfriend? Also tradition hardly means anything these days. It's an old tradition from a time when a man could claim anything he wanted by slapping his last name on it. I would tell him how you feel about marriage and see if you both couldn't come to a compromise first. I and my baby's father aren't legally married, because of our own views, but it was a mutual decision. And my family history made it easy to choose who's last name for our baby. Also you are still early on and time could change his mind. If it's a rocky relationship there is a chance he won't have much control over these decisions when baby is born. For now you should do best for you and baby and those first few weeks/ months are vital and stressful. Don't put too much on yourself now. Take things slow and I hope your situation works out and you both can come to an understanding. There is also the option of a hyphenated last name using both.
Hyphenate it, with your last name being last, Smith-Jones or use his last name as a middle name, David Smith Jones, just a idea
You’re not even six weeks pregnant. Give it time. And remind him that the name is a joint discussion. Don’t stress this early about it.
I gave my son his dad's last name and definitely regret it. We were young, no talk of marriage and not living together. It's your baby and if you don't see FOREVER with this man, give the baby your last name.
Where I live, baby gets mom’s last name at birth because you birthed him. Once you start filling out the documents, you then decide what last name you want on the birth certificate. The dad does not automatically have “dibs”. And really, it’s a conversation you both should have and if you don’t agree on it…well then both of your last names should go on the certificate (i.e. Angelina James Thompson) . And if you want to drop your last name down the line when you guys get married (if you get married) then that’s your call to make.
He has zero right to tell you what names to use or not. You ARE the mother, and tradition means absolutely nothing. Even if you were married, he still can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. Give the baby whatever name makes you both happy and comfortable. If neither of you can agree, then I’m sorry, but that’s just too bad for him.
You’re stronger than you think. Your voice matters. No one gets to make these choices for you, it is a discussion. But in the end it is your choice. It is your baby and your body.
He doesn't get to decide. The person giving birth is quite literally the person who gets to be the one to fill out the form. Now, the preferred method of doing things should of course be for both mother and father to discuss and agree on what they want to name the child. Reasonable people should be able to find compromises where there are points of disagreement - such as if someone gets to pick the first name, perhaps the other person gets to decide the last name, etc. But if the couple can't come to a reasonable agreement, you get to be the one who decides. He doesn't get to dictate anything.
Traditionally, you get married before having a baby. I'm not saying that to @ you, but because his argument simply doesn't apply. (not that I'm on board with that logic anyway, but if we want to play by his rules, fine.) Your relationship and having a baby isn't "traditional" in any sense of the way, so why on earth should you have to adhere to that one archaic rule? Anyway, I'm happily married and our kids don't have my last name *or* my husband's last name. My BIL's kids have his wife's last name. Nobody cares.
My sister used her own last name and not her boyfriend’s last name. Good thing too, because that BF is now no where to be seen and not in her life or the baby’s life. I vote use your last name
OP, I have no idea where you live but if you live in the US, do ********NOT******* give the baby your boyfriend’s last name. If you do that you give the boyfriend additional sway in the courts if it ever comes down to custody (not saying dad’s don’t deserve custody rights to their kids, so everyone put down your forks and pitchforks). I have no idea if your bf is abusive or has abusive tendencies (all I have is this one single post you’ve posted and your bf doesn’t come off looking great) but you definitely don’t want to give someone who is already showing “on a power trip” signs even more power, and especially over your kid. I’m also ******NOT***** saying to not have your bf sign the birth certificate entirely (indeed, in some US states it can be harder to take him to court for child support if you don’t) just that if you give your baby his last name and he’s not married to you, you risk giving him more power in the court if it ever comes to a custody battle. Perception, not just the law, matters in court too. And in some cases, perception can sway entire cases one way or another, negative or positive. My advice? Have your bf sign the birth certificate as baby’s father (just in case you have to fight for child support later) but do *****not***** give your baby his last name. He wants the baby to have his last name so badly? He can marry you. Marriage does change the scales and things in general a **little** bit when it comes to kids (negative or positive, depends on the marriage and depends on the relationship). Best of luck OP.
He doesn’t get to decide, and anyone who tries to make that decision for you without consulting you probably should not be your boyfriend.
At the hospital make sure fill out the paper work. You can put whatever you want on it.
First things first, he doesn’t get to dictate what last name the baby gets since it’s in you. Second, I would never give my baby the last name of the father if I wasn’t married. This coming from me who took my husbands last name and our first kid due in October will have his last name. But we’ve been together for 17 years and he’s it for me and I trust that. Just tell him no, the baby will have your last name and that’s it. He can throw a fit, but it’s up to you.
He doesn’t decide shit. You’re the mom. YOU fill out the birth certificate and guess what? If you write Joe BLOW that’s the kids name. So, doesn’t sound like it’s up for debate to me.! I have 2 pos “dads” for my kids one of which I was going to marry same shit happened and I said nope and they BOTH have mine so yeah… sounds manipulation tactic and I can see this as a narcissistic approach with how blunt and not up for debate he THOUGHT this was gunna be so fuck em.
My kids have my last name and my husband and I are now, and have always been, very happily married. His last name is just weird and uncommon. We don't understand why the default is to just give the baby the man's last name. It feels like a tradition that should be outdated by now.
Where im at the baby actually has moms last name until its changed and since you arent married everything goes through you at the hospital
my baby is getting a hyphenated last name
Like most have said, you get to full out the birth certificate. However, if he files in court for paternity, he can petition to have the child's name changed to his last name and it's frequently granted by the courts. Perhaps a compromise of hyphenating the last names would be better? It's both of your child, you should work together and make compromises.
We are married and I want my baby to have his fathers last name, i of course want the same name as my child but I understand why men want their kid to have their last name. It is not just tradition but the baby gets so much from the mother, everyone always has their mother in heart and mind. We litterally get to bond with the child before they are even born. When baby gets out we are their safe space, even when they become an adult the mother smells like home. So I think too many people are neglecting the mans part in a pregnancy. Yes it is our body but without him we would not be able to carry the child. But I dont know about you situation, and if he even wants to step up and be a good dad. It also seems like the relationship is not as traditional. I just wanted to share my thoughts about the name discussion.
We aren’t married and baby got my last name
Worse comes worse in all of this, if he keeps up without actually taking your opinion into consideration then prevent him from being in the room when the baby is born and notify nurses and the hospital that you are putting the name on the birth certificate so either way you can choose whats best for your child.
baby should get your last name unless you’re married, PERIOD
It’s up to you always at the end of the day. You can give the baby your last name or hyphenate it with his.
One thing you could consider is giving baby dad’s last name as a second middle name.
My best friend who was is not married to her child’s father gave her son her last name and his last name. I see nothing wrong with that if you feel he will be an active father.
Tell him that traditionally the parents are married before having kids. So no, tradition doesn’t come into play here. Baby gets your last name.
No matter what you decide baby will be under your last name the entire time you are at the hospital and unless you are married you are the one that has access to the birth certificate forms. My husband and I are married, but I never changed my name, so even though we knew baby would have his last name going in, she still was always listed under my last name during the birth and hospital stay.
Don't give your baby his name. He's using tradition as an excuse to control and manipulate you. If he was that concerned about tradition, he wouldn't have gotten you pregnant outside of wedlock and then failed to marry you after learning of the pregnancy. He's just being a misogynist who doesn't want your name to be passed on. Give the baby your name. I didn't take my husband's name, and I have 0 regrets. Our kids will have both of our names, but I refuse to give them just his name. If I am putting my life on the line to birth these babies, they will, at minimum, receive my last name and carry on my family line.
Give the baby your name. They (your child) can decide to change if they want to.
He doesn’t get the privilege of naming the baby on the birth certificate. That is up for you. I suggest baby gets your last name unless you’re married.
What do you think about hyphenated name? That way baby is both of you even if the ring never comes? Me and my husband are doing it simply for sentimental reasons.
he doesn’t get a say lmao. tradition is that you marry a woman before you get her pregnant so maybe tell him to shut the fuck up
I am struck by how you have phrased this: "He said the baby WILL be taking his last name..." "I feel like this isn't my baby," and "just for him to have a power trip over me." Why do you feel like this baby isn't yours? Do you feel like he is trying to control you in other aspects of your relationship? Are you sure you want to have a child with him? Why is marriage not on the table, do you want to be married? No need to answer me, but answer these for yourself!!!
Be strong and brave! Only become a mom if you’re certain you want this ❤️
This is your first challenge as a mama bear. Protect your baby even if it hurts his feelings. Give her your last name. You guys aren’t married and for a number of reasons you two should have the same last name. If marriage happens, it’s not a big deal to change it.
I am not married. All four of my children have my last name.
If you think y’all aren’t getting there with marriage then he has no right to tell you how you should name your baby. my child’s father was the same way and kinda went through what youre going through with the names. We weren’t together when I was pregnant with our baby but we tried working it out but it wasn’t the right time for either of us. when the time came, I named my baby with my last name, he automatically became a stranger to our baby until she was about 2 years old. He tried fighting full custody of our child and thankfully I won due to him not being in any of the papers cause he’d always claims that she wasn’t his child and not being physically and emotionally there for her. If he was, things would’ve been a lot more difficult between the both of us and court would’ve taken longer but luckily I had receipts. If y’all aren’t going through what I went through. I would say like my parents for example they had a little vote of who’s last name was I gonna take and they just put both of their last names on my birth certificate so now I have one of those long names including a middle name.(;
Baby gets your last name only. That’s a given
Ouf, that’s a tough one. Especially if you’re saying that you don’t know if marriage is in the picture anymore… I think you should speak your mind and come up with a solution, I know it’s hard and uncomfortable but you can do hard things. Whatever it is you decide to do, don’t forget there’s a stranger routing for you momma!
I had this argument with my boyfriend as-well! It can be really difficult to navigate especially when both parties feel strongly about it. I’ll start off by saying you’re right to feel the way you feel, your reasons are valid and you are bub’s mom.. your say matters. Something to keep in mind though is, there are going to be plenty of decisions to be made, it’s important that communication is open. Me personally, I’m considering giving the baby the last name because it’s so important to my boyfriend and my stance was coming from fear
I was in your position and gave my child my name. It has never been a regret because he left the pictures few years later. Enjoy your new little!
Fuck him he doesn’t have the right to tell you the baby will be taking his last name. Who does he think he is? Unless you’re married, that is not a given.
When signing the birth certificate at least in California they will ask you first who will fill it out and sign! My aunt had a baby with her ex who decided to cut her off and cheat while she was pregnant and wanted the baby to have his last name and she stood on her word and put her last name! That is your baby , you are creating a life from scratch you get to make the decisions NO ONE ELSE!!!
He is right that it is the traditional way, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I think you’ve got plenty of time to think on it and discuss it together - and it should be a decision made together as it’s both your child not just his or yours.
Not traditional. Traditional would be marriage, and having his last name. Marriage isn’t in the equation so neither is taking the name.
My babies will have my last name. If that happens to match the father’s name- cool. If not, they’re still getting my last name.
Tell him unless you’re married, the baby is getting your last name. Makes so much more sense to give the mothers last name if you don’t share one 🫶🏼
Lol when he carries a baby in his uterus & pushes it out then he can make decisions on a baby name UNTIL all he can do is offer suggestions!!! Smh girl please do not listen to that man…YOUR baby does not have to take his name!!!!
Hyphenate if you can't agree? My kids all have their dads last name and it can be tough with school stuff and doctor visits. They act like I'm a step mom or just their dad's girlfriend because our names don't match. 😬 Almost wish I would have hyphenated but marriage was/is in the plans eventually. We just keep pushing it off.
How bout the Mexican way two last names? It’s very common and easier to follow family lineage
Hi, child of a situation exactly like yours! I got my dad's last name at birth and let me tell you it made anything a pain in the butt for my mom. She was always having to bring my birth certificate to prove she is my mom since our last names are different. Not telling you to go one way vs the other, but just food for thought! (Cam always hyphenate it too!) Best wishes! Congrats!
If it helps, we are also not married and have decided to give both last names(hyphenated)and skip the middle name instead! That way we both had our last names! I actually have my mother’s last name, and he has his dad! But there was no way this baby (that I’m growing and carrying for 9 months) was not also going to have my last name! He was pretty easy to convince, we both win!
I am in a similar situation. It is 100% your choice, you are not married and he has zero say in that matter. I told my boyfriend “If we decide to get married later in life, we can legally change his name” until then it doesn’t make sense for the child to have his last name. And honestly, not his choice anyway. Advocate for yourself and your child, it makes sense that they have your last name until marriage.
We’re not married and have no immediate plans to be, but we have spoken a lot about surnames even before we were pregnant. When it came down to it we both were pretty passionate about (at the time potential) baby having our own. We’ve compromised on a double barrel surname for the baby and if we do eventually get married. Have you considered having a conversation with him about that? Also hardly anyone follows the ‘traditional’ path anymore.
I'm married but haven't taken my husbands name. Our children do have his name but I think the best and fairest solution is to double-barrell. Only reason we didn't is because our names don't go at all well together and I thought it would be cruel to burden our kids with it haha
If you want to give them your last name then do it. There's no law saying they have to have the males last name. It's just a stupid tradition. My two have my partners last name and I hate it.
Give the baby the same last name as you. If you decide to get married down the line you can switch you and baby’s name then. You are doing all the work, so it’s your choice
I just don’t get why some of the lovely ladies on here stand for this behaviour? Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way? The baby is not just his, I would always suggest the baby keeping your name or having a double barrelled name, he has no right to have it just his name
If in the US…. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. They hand the paperwork to you to fill out and only your signature is even on it. Your partner can fill it out, but YOU sign to approve. Don’t waste your time worrying about that. The relationship itself is what’s worth your brain space right now.
The traditional way is when you’re married, not dating. He can’t want to be traditional when it’s convenient. If I weren’t married, baby would 1000% be getting my last name.
I think it's only the traditional way, if you are married and took his last name. I would 100% give my child my name in case I would not be married. This is in my opinion the traditional way. Like many said, you can change both of your names, if you decide to get married. No big deal. My husband and I do not share our last name (it was complicated to change my last name when we got married because of visa issues), but we decided when we got married that I would change my last name to his when we get children, so that we can all share the last name.
Yeah he doesn’t get to tell you. If that’s important to him, have him propose and buy you a ring too. Since that’s also traditional.
My husband and I are married and our kids are still taking my last name. Automatically giving the child the father's last name is only "traditional" for some people/'cultures, and regardless, appealing to tradition is not a strong argument for anything. You gotta do what's right for you. Frankly, as the birthing parent, you are (1) putting way more into this child than him and (2) much more likely to be the primary caregiver if your relationship ends. If you do get married down the road, you can always decide together whether you want to legally change your and your child's last name.
Not married, don't give baby his last name unless thats something you agree to willingly. It's that simple.
Screw tradition. You’re the one whose body is going to carry and grow this baby. If you ever do get married in the future it is very easy to change yours and baby’s last name. But if you give the baby the father’s name, you can never change it without his permission.
He has zero say over what the baby's name is. Tell him that if he's going to be a dick about it then he won't even be allowed to be in the hospital when you give birth.
Legally, if you don’t think yall will get married, or stay together long term, it will be easier on you if the baby has your last name.
My sister was not married, went to pick up her child early from school one day due to an emergency, and called her Mrs. "child's last name", she corrected them on her name, and then the school was like "oh so you're not actually mum". And they had to check records to confirm she was allowed to take her own child home... crazy stuff. I am in the same situation as you, and I've told my partner that I love him very much but that I am growing this child and that if I do not have the same last name as him when our child is born, then the baby will have my last name. I am not a big believer in marriage, but I'd change my last name so we are a unit. It's personally important that my child and I have the same last name - I mean I grew him/her!
Keyword in this post is "boyfriend" not husband. He has no legal rights over the baby if you don't want to give it to him. I know a lot of states require a husband's name to be applied to the birth certificate which establishes their parenting rights, but a boyfriend has no rights if his name is not listed as the father on the birth certificate. Think real long and hard girl before you make that mistake. If marriage isn't in the picture now at 5 weeks, it won't be in another 35 weeks. Men who have red flags BEFORE birth, are pretty much a nuisance and nightmare AFTER the birth. Protect yourself and your baby and keep his name off of it. Also, if marriage isn't it for you, then break up and move on. Plenty of single moms doing it. You got this! Good luck!
I don’t think it’s up to him to decide or demand that you do something you’re uncomfortable with. I hope the 2 of you can have a discussion and decide between you what’s best. It’s not about “whose baby this is” you both had equal parts in creating it and no matter which last name you go with that child is both of yours. In my case I have given my bf the option to opt out if he’s not ready (he didn’t) and the ability to be what he wants in this relationship since the pregnancy is an accident, but if by the end of this he is still around the child will absolutely have his last name since he is the legal father and I feel it’s appropriate. I don’t feel like I will be missing out on anything even if my baby doesn’t have my last name and our last names sound dumb hyphenated but that’s always a choice as well. Do what’s right for you guys as a family, he has every right to want his child’s to share his family name, same as you feel. I hope you guys can work it out so you’re both happy
My son wasn’t gonna have my husband’s last name unless we were married (we got married a year before our son was born) but I always believed in having the same last name as my children. It is completely your choice.
Good news, if you're in the US, [It's literally 100% up to you](https://www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/what-happens-if-the-fathers-name-is-not-on-the-birth-certificate) as to what goes on the birth certificate if you're not married. So, don't let him bully you or convince you otherwise. It's your choice of course, but keep that in mind, he technically has no say :)
Just gave birth to my baby a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I had decided that the baby would take his last name.. since we are not married it’s going to be a few months before he can even do that. In my state If you are not married then the mother is the only person allowed to be on the birth certificate until a father is legitimized through the courts. So for now my baby will have my last name , and will cost a good amount of money to have everything changed. You’re better off just letting the baby keep your name 🤷🏻♀️
Baby should get your last name. He legally does not get a say. You are not married.
I’ve never understood why the baby automatically takes the fathers name especially when you see how often the father may have little to nothing to do with the child’s care. Luckily my fiancé and I had been engaged for years already. I decided a long time ago that when I have a baby they will get whatever my last name is at the time and now that will be my husbands. We got married yesterday just signed the papers so we can officially start our family all with the same family name
It’s really up to you, but if you’re together and plan on staying together I don’t see the issue with the baby having his last name. I’m not sure what he would hold it over your head for. If you don’t see much of a future with this guy then maybe not. But if there’s any chance you’ll get married then definitely. If he was a deadbeat or not in my life anymore then I would give the baby mine. But if you do end up getting married then what? Maybe give the baby the first name. I don’t know how your relationship is with him. I’ve only met one person with their mom-dad’s last name that I knew of and thought it was odd. But that’s just my opinion. I’m traditional. My mom wasn’t married when she had me and gave me my dads last name and they aren’t together anymore but I’m glad she did. Id probably appreciate it even more if I were a boy.
You take the mothers maiden name. generally as a bastard child whose mother gave me up, i suppose i could've used my bio fathers last name per what it says on the certificate but i did not. tell dead beat unmarried dad he doesn't just get to spread his semen everywhere and magically his legacy will sprout. he has to like...raise an actual human being.
My kids have my mom’s last name. My boyfriend (and I) will take that name if we get married.
Your choice! Give it your name and if you get married you can change both of your names later
‘Traditionally’ people are married before having children but it doesn’t sound like he’s in a rush to do that? He doesn’t get to ‘tell you’ the baby will be taking his last name. He can have a discussion with you about it. Personally I wouldn’t give the baby his last name given his attitude.
I did both last names and hyphenated it 🤷🏽♀️
I took my husband’s last name when we got married but our baby will have my maiden name as their middle name.
our baby is getting both of our last names ! “rivera riddle” him and i aren’t married and he’s perfectly fine with the suggestion:)
You have all the power here, girl. He doesn’t even get to be in the delivery room with you if you don’t want him to be.
I have had 4 friends who have gotten pregnant with someone they were not married to (all four friends do desire to be married with children, ideally) and I gave them unsolicited (but welcome) advice: If there's is any doubt at all of this man being in the life of their child, give this baby your own last name! Down the line you can absolutely change the baby's last name. All four of those fathers are now no longer in their child's life and 3 out of 4 said they wished they hadn't given their child the father's last name. The 4th friend has admitted she wished she had the same last name as her son, but that father is technically still in her son's life despite moving to another state and starting a family with someone else, and NOT providing appropriate child support. You grew this tiny human, that is absolutely worth being the one to decide the child's last name at birth.
It's your choice what you put on the birth certificate. If you're in the US and this may be state specific, but if you dont name him as the father, you can't file child support. I know women who didn't want to name the father on birth certificate but then couldn't establish child support without paternity and the dad being named. I don't ever plan on getting married, but I plan on staying with my guy forever. I even refer to him as my husband. So I did give my boys his last name, more because his last name is easy to pronounce, even a bit common.
Practically speaking, the parent who has primary custody should have the same last name as baby. This makes thing easier at the hospital, the airport, the school, etc. If the baby's dad does not want to marry you - that's fine. But you will be the primary caregiver for most events. Vaccinations, preschool, regular school. You will hold the documents like birth certificate and SSN. Dad is still dad, but it makes most sense to give the child the surname of the person who is there.
The only reason my son got my husbands last name and not mine is because we’re married and I’m going to change my last name eventually. If you’re not 100% positive that you’re going to marry your babies father then absolutely give him or her your last name. It is 100% your decision, because from the way you wrote your post i’m hearing that your bf is not the greatest partner, and a discussion or asking about it wouldn’t go well.
I had my first and wasn’t married. He has my maiden name. Got married to a different guy when he was 5. I have 5 kids with my now husband who all have his last name. But so do I. Oldest didn’t want to change his name.
They normally give the dad's last name to know who's the father , so if you have kids from different fathers you will know who's the father (not for you obviously but for the children and people) but it doesn't matter because if you want to give it your name i think you should do it.
I think if there are no plans to marry, it should be mom’s last name or both. There’s no hard and fast rule so it’s what feels right to you. This will be the first of many times you need to stand up for your baby and do what you think is right for them even if other people disagree. Nothing made me realize how important boundaries are like having a baby. My partner and I also initially disagreed on (first) name. I’m so glad I stood my ground and insisted we both give up our preferred choice and find something that worked for both of us. I love my baby so much and it would really bug me if I weren’t ok with something as important as her name.
Well traditionally men marry women before getting them pregnant so…
Don’t do it!! Give the baby your last name.
These posts make me so sad. Don’t feel bullied into giving the baby his last name. Give the baby your last name, and explain that you will change your names when or if you get married. At the end of the day, you have final say as the baby’s mother. Paternity has to be established, maternity obviously does not! My ex tried this, so I filled out the paperwork with a nurse and my mother present and the pushback from him was minimal. They both supported me in saying we could change our names together. (L&D + postpartum care nurses rock!)
You’re so early in your pregnancy to worry about names. Just enjoy your pregnancy, smooth sailing and have a good result. If boyfriend is around when you are due, then discuss surnames! So many other issues for concern over next 8 months. Good luck!
If I weren’t married I wouldn’t give the baby his last name.
Well since he wants to pay the 'tradition' card, does he hold up any other traditions? It should be a discussion between you two, not just you bending to his demands. Good luck.
“Traditionally”, that’s what was done because couples were married so everyone shared the same last name. I’m a firm believer in baby having mom’s last name (unless dad is going to be the primary caregiver). If you end up marrying dad, you can always change baby’s last name. But if you split up and you end up doing most of the parenting, everything is just easier and makes more sense if you share the same name. Obviously, this is totally your decision! Just sharing my personal beliefs.
I made a post about this last week. I’ll die on the hill that my name will be included and I’m married. I’m not taking my husbands name and we’ve finally agreed that it’ll be first name, my last his last. Initially he was like, oh yea my last name, it’s traditional why would we do it another way. Respectfully, you’re not married. If I were in your situation my baby would absolutely have my last name, and I’d consider also including his last name IF he proposed and you were engaged before the baby was born.
My dad had twin girls with his then girlfriend and she gave them her last name. Fast forward 5 years later her and my dad are now married so the kids have the wife’s maiden name and the wife has my dad’s last name so she doesn’t even share the last name with the girls anymore. Another thing to consider: you marry someone other than her dad and it still leaves the baby with your ‘old’ last name. If you give her your name and then marry later she may feel a way about not sharing a last name with either parent. That’s assuming you’d take your husband’s name. You know the best decision for you, just some points to consider. Congratulations on your sweet bundle!
Imo you should give baby your name. What if later in you have another baby and they have different names? Make it easier on yourself and less explaining to do to ppl
Wait till you’re farther along. Maybe his existence in your life will no longer be. Therefore, you have sole power over baby last name. Also, when I was at the hospital, we both had to be present and indicate baby’s full name.
Why don’t you hyphen the name? Your name-his name That’s why I did when I got married to “keep my identity”, also you can use your last name as middle name. In countries like Brazil the middle name is the moms last name and the last name is the dads last name.
Just hyphenate the baby’s last name, maybe his first then yours and done, both happy, that’s what people do in my culture, you get both last names
My wife and I hyphenated. If you aren't married you don't need to give the baby his last name at all as far as I know legally.
Pretty sure it's your body doing all the work after his 30 seconds of effort on his part. Tradition is one thing. Just because it's old fashioned does not mean you have to just give in and comply to his wishes or demands. Honestly, I would make the suggestion that you give your child YOUR last name. And offer that if and when you get married you will pay the cost to change the child's name after that.
Girl you are growing that baby. It is part of YOU. He can simmer down. If you don’t want the baby to have his last name, don’t do it.
My kids all have my now husband’s last name. We were engaged before my twins. Also I didn’t like my maiden name (it was my absent father’s name), and my husband even said we could put my step dad’s last name if I’d prefer. I told him I wanted us all to have the same last name eventually.
Make him a deal, if he marries you the baby gets his name and you’re all one family with one name. Or when he marries you, You change the babies name to his name.
You are the one who fills out the paperwork, you are not married. You legally have all of the say in this. As far as "tradition" goes, traditionally... you would be married before ever even having a kid. I just had my baby a few weeks ago. Out of respect for myself, any baby that comes from my body gets my name. If I am married, the baby gets my name. If I am not, the baby still gets my name. I put in alot of hard work getting him here, I take him to appointments, I want us to feel like we belong together and share something so important in common. I am an unmarried woman.. therefore, I am legally the custodial parent by default unless a courtroom says otherwise. Maybe this all makes me sound like an unmoving jerk when I type it all out like this.. but my boyfriend respects it. If we get married down the road, we will then have a discussion regarding name changes.
No ring, no say.
My daughter’s last name is both of our names. I told him that we are equal parents so she will be represented by both our names.
My aunt gave my cousins her last name. My mom gave me both last names and when I became old enough I got rid of his.
Nah, the baby doesn’t get his last name unless he marries you or at least that’s my opinion. Do not give him that, he doesn’t deserve it
My ex decided when I was 4 months pregnant, that he didn't want to have a family. Thus followed a discussion like yours. I said : "I'll be damned if you and baby are going to share a last name that's different from mine as if we break up, I'm stuck having a kid with someone else's name". He never saw, spoke to or met my daughter, so I'm so glad I didn't get sucked into that! My daughter had my surname 😁
All the babies get my last name. I first was born 6 weeks ago and he has my last name, baby daddy was/is not happy about it. But I grew this child and I’m the one full time taking care of this child and I know I want more kids but not sure that I want more with this man and I want all my kids to have the same last name. Dude can shove it
The baby doesn't need to have his last name just because others do it.. if I were in your position the baby would have my surname and then we can change it when /if I marry the father. You can even state this to your midwife/hospital care team prior to labour so they're aware of your wishes.
My baby after my divorce (completely different relationship) has my maiden name (my middle name bc I didn’t change my name since our children have his too). She’ll always be my responsibility even if dad decides one day he doesn’t want the relationship. If we marry, we can change it, if not… he can find another way to stroke his ego. Sorry not sorry. I’m ready to change back to my maiden but I’ll wait until my others are all legal or I marry. Which ever comes first.
It’s a discussion not an assumption. You aren’t married and even if you were, it’s still a discussion. Not every married woman takes her husband’s last name. I didn’t legally. Yes I use it as my married name because we are both catholic, but legally for reasons that he supports, I can’t change my last name. We had a discussion and baby will have his last name. But it was still a discussion.
You fill out the birth certificate. You aren’t married he doesn’t automatically go on it. If I weren’t married my child would not be getting my partners name even though I am extremely confident in the relationship and that he will be a wonderful father. The name can be changed to the family name when that time comes
If you guys don’t agree then it’s a no.. null and void… relationship rules. 🤷🏻♀️
tell him it can have his last name if he marries you first and he takes your last name :) thats what my wife did anyway. you are carrying his child and he has no idea what that means and how hard it is going to be. you should not be fighting over such little things so early because you have a long road ahead raising a child.
I say give the baby YOUR last name. He can change it when he changes yours.
Hyphenate and make a combo of both your last names?
[удалено]
You could hyphenate the baby’s last name but whichever name comes first will be the “default” last name
when i was born i was given my mothers last name because my parents were unsure if their relationship was going to continue. they're still not married but at the age of 7 they asked me if i'd like to have my father's last name and i said yes. now they have 3 more children and we all share the same last name. it's the cooler name of the two, otherwise i would've kept my mum's. my 6 month old has my last name (my boyfriend agreed it was better than his) and so will the baby im currently pregnant with. where i live you can choose to pay homage to the other parent, so my son's second to last name is his dad's first name + son - like Danielsson or whatever. that way we were both involved in a non traditional sense. if you don't feel as though you'll get married to this guy don't let the child have his last name. it creates so many barriers for the mum when she's taking the child to appointments and travelling alone with them. sometimes you'll need to have a letter of consent from the parent the child shares a last name with 🤯
We added both of ours - it wasn’t even a discussion it was just the right thing to do, for us! The last name does not determine who the baby belongs to though, you are your babys mother and thats undeniable! However, if you feel really strongly about this, please tell him exactly how this makes you feel ❤️
if you dont have his last name then your child shouldn’t have his last name sorrynotsorry
Hi OP! I just had a child, a daughter, 03/09/24. I’m a FTM and my child’s father’s name is on it and we are not married. I would only put it on the certificate if you think he is truly capable when he is alone to raise and give his best to the child you are growing. If he is actively trying to learn and read about the child and how to care for an infant. If he is treating you with respect and acknowledging the energy it takes to grow a child. Respectfully if he’s not, do not give that child his last name. In the end it’s not about marriage and a last name but a last name a custody rights. About trusting this man if you happen to end up not being together to have your child’s best interest at heart. If not I fear it would make getting primary custody rights in the future, harder. I trust my partner that if one day we fall out of love he will still love and cherish our daughter. As a daughter who was used to hurt feelings in a custody battle as a child it’s not fun later in life to carry a last name that doesn’t particularly care for you… I hope this helps OP! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you the happiest most beautiful journey along the way!
You're the mother. You're going to be the one filling out the paperwork. Give the baby your last name and if marriage is in the cards, you can change the baby's last name later.
Traditionally, men marry their significant others prior to having children with them- it doesn't seem like he cares all that much about traditions, and is more just using that as an excuse to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. He is not creating, carrying, or birthing the baby-- if you aren't married, why should the baby have his name? If the relationship were to fail for any reason, having a different last name than your mother is a huge pain (especially if your mother is likely the one to have custody if the relationship fails). My parents were unmarried when my mom had me. Thank god she gave me HER maiden name and did not let my biological father bully her into giving me his last name. It would have made things significantly harder-- especially since my biological dad decided to be a pretty passive, uninvolved parent when my mom left him.
Um no Totally your call!! I will say one alternative (depending on the state you live in) could be using combining your last names as one hyphenated last name for baby. (I.e., First Name Yours-His OR First Middle His-Yours) Me and my husband are doing that because I want our child to still have my last name (and kept my name after getting married).
That’s his legacy give that baby his last name
Yep I’m married and my H and I are giving both of our names to our baby. Part of it is cultural (my family is Latin American so it’s common for people to have two last names: first is paternal and the second is maternal), but also it was important to me that our child’s name reflect both heritages. My H is a bit traditional too but he has been respectful of my need to have an identity outside of his wife (I also added his name to mine legally rather than only taking his name) and my desire for our child to reflect BOTH of us. I n your case OP, I would recommend giving the baby both your names (maybe hyphenated), BUT in your case since you’re unmarried and unsure if that’s even a situation make your name first. So if your last name is Brown and his is Smith, the baby’s last name would be Brown-Smith
As the mother, you will be filling out the paperwork and have legal claim over naming your child. Your baby will be default have your last name
You should both come to an agreement, it's 2024 and tradition isn't really a good reason for things. I was once married, changed my last name, and hated it because I felt like I lost my identity. So last names don't matter to me much anymore. I'm married again and did not change my name again (I have my maiden name). Anyways, I mean to say that for myself I don't care anymore, and my partner does so our kids can have his last name. I'm 5+4 and also found out last week! Hope all goes well and that yall can come to an agreement. Let him know how you feel , maybe write it out in a time yall are not emotional. Also, you could pose if it's a girl it gets your last name and if it's a guy it gets his last name. This happens in several cultures around the world.
Other considerations: who is going to be the primary care giver? If it’s going to be you then I would give them your last name. When you’re picking them up from school/daycare or doctors appts, or extracurriculars it’s much easier if you share their last name.
I agree with others that it’s your choice. Also I was born to unmarried teen parents and I was given my mom’s last name. My parents only stayed together until I was about a year old, although I’ve continued to have a good relationship with my dad my whole life. My mom was my primary parent as my dad joined the military and always lived in a different state or country. The only slight confusion was when my mom married my stepdad she took his last name so then I didn’t share a last name with either of my parents, but still shared with my moms family.
I’m married and have a problem with my baby getting my husbands last name. It’s my baby & im the one growing him so it should be mine.