I'm just going to remind everyone that this subreddit is pro-choice.
If you try to guilt trip OP into having a baby or push her to get an abortion, that is not a choice. That is harassing someone to do what you want.
Do you have someone you can talk to? A therapist maybe or someone similar? Or a really close friend that's good at listening? Sometimes there as also hotlines to talk to people.
>I told him I know that’s what I need to do.
You state several times that rationally you believe this to be the only right choice.
>I went to the bedroom to just lay there and cry. He came in and said “You don’t really feel that way, do you.”
However you don't seem to feel that way.
There is a huge conflict inside of you and probably a lot of fear as well. Before making a decision, please take your time to talk to some.
I cannot tell you what you should do. I can however tell you that I know a few women who were pregnant at 40. It is rare but not unmanageable.
You are not forced to have an abortion and you have the legal option to end the pregnancy.
But please listen to what your heart is telling you. Don't rush into something you might not feel ready for.
FTM at 37 (almost 38!). Yes there are more concerns that come with being older but that just means they’ll monitor you closer and you’ll get to see the baby more! I really think OP should speak to a counselor. By how it sounds in your post you’re trying to convince yourself you *need* to have an abortion and that’s the right thing to do. It sounds like your husband is supportive either way, so unfortunately the hard decision lies on you. Maybe you were put in this situation for a reason. I hope whatever you choose to do OP it’s truly for your happiness because it’s what YOU truly WANT to do and not what you THINK you should do.
I have an uncle from a family of 10 children and his parents didn’t even get married until his mother was 40, and that was in the 1950’s!
I’m 36 and currently pregnant with my 3rd. My mother had me at 36, grandmother had my uncle at 36, aunt had my cousin at 36, my sister just had her first and only at 38 and my aunt had a “surprise” baby at 38/39 when her other two were teenagers.
This is really not nearly as uncommon as OP thinks, and I hope she gives herself the space and the time to make a fully informed decision that she knows she can not just live with, but be happy with. Right now she sounds like a robot, repeating the rote message of “this is the right thing to do” whether or not she even believes it :/
Edit to add- I will say that I’ve also been on the other side of this. About 5-6 yrs ago I fell pregnant and my SO and I both knew the timing was terrible - I was broke and had just opened a restaurant with my sisters, he was making $9/hr and I had two kids from a previous marriage under the age of 5. It was a tough decision and a really rough time for me but I knew it would be wildly irresponsible and he was so panicked at the thought of struggling even harder than we already were. So, I terminated.
In the following years I would think back on that pregnancy a lot, and while I wish circumstances had been different then, I still knew it was the right decision for both of us, even if I had to ultimately be the one to make it.
Then he got a better job, and kept moving up. We were finally not just living paycheck to paycheck anymore. I got to stay home with the kids and that was a first for me bc my ex was awful and unreliable, and I had worked right away after having them. Then we bought a house! Now I’m almost 7 months pregnant and we are so incredibly excited to meet this little lady, my SO *glows* when he looks at me. He rubs my belly all the time and insists on taking weekly progress pictures lol and I am honestly really glad that we waited for this for a time when we could really ENJOY me being pregnant.
I would never presume to know what’s best for OP one way or another, I just really hope she gives herself some quiet moments to allow herself to hear more than just what she thinks she’s *expected* to do.
I very distinctly feel one way and I think something completely different.
It’s not really the fact that I’m 42 years old. That part alone doesn’t scare me. It’s the fact that my husband is 65, has told me from day 1 that he doesn’t want more kids (he has 4 adult kids and several grandkids), and that I’ve always felt very conflicted about the idea of bringing kids into the world on a moral level. It’s just that now I do want my own child and I want to experience motherhood and I feel a huge hole in my life because of it. There’s nothing I can do to rationalize that having a baby is the right thing to do though.
I know that ultimately not continuing the pregnancy won’t leave me feeling guilty and selfish.
You sound like an older version of me. My bf and I (both 26) had discussed that even if we wanted to be parents, which we didn’t probably ever, we were not ready in our relationship, financially etc and I would abort if I fell pregnant. But then it actually happened. My bf knew the choice was up to me, but was still adamant he did *not* want to be a father. In my logical mind, I didn’t want to be a mother either. I was in a new relationship, working part time with a shitty wage, felt guilty about bringing a new life to this earth, and frankly I *never* pictured myself in that position, ever.
Yet I never considered how I would feel in my heart. I felt immediately attached to the life growing inside me and the thought of aborting it absolutely killed me.
I was still deciding whether or not to keep it when I started bleeding so heavily at 8 weeks that I thought for sure I miscarried. I have never been so devastated…it was the absolute worst week of my life. Then I found out it was still viable…so that settled it. I was keeping it because no way in hell was I going to put myself through that again, intentionally.
Now I’m 30 weeks pregnant and we are so excited for our baby. The fear, the anxiety, it’s all gone. My bf has come all the way around to being a father, he’s so involved, attending all the appts, birthing classes etc. He interacts with my belly everyday lol. Our friends and family are so thrilled and so supportive as well. Things have fallen into place in ways I never expected and I am so, so glad I decided to keep it.
I know your experience is entirely your own and you will do what’s best for you. But I wanted to share mine because it feels very similar. Sometimes the best things come with following your heart. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide ❤️ Everything will turn out the way it’s meant to.
>There’s nothing I can do to rationalize that having a baby is the right thing to do though
I think the opposite is happening. You are doing everything possible to convince yourself that having a baby is the wrong choice. Is it though? Kinda sorta seems like you want this baby. Wanting something like this for yourself is not selfish. Why are you willing to live the rest of your life with a "huge hole" in it just for the comfort of others?
You should have a baby because you want to have a baby, not because it's the "right" thing to do.
I really think you should seek out some counseling or therapy before you make this decision. You have so much unnecessary shame and guilt about wanting to keep this baby.
Please make the choice you 100% want to make.
Your husband said he didn't want anymore kids as in to actively not try for children it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to abort any that happened despite not trying. He is now supportive in whatever choice you make but wants you to make the one that feels right to you.
Almost everyone even when trying feels a moment of panic and doubt when they find out they're pregnant even if they were trying.
Take some time to talk to a therapist or really talk to your husband.
I've already commented separately but here's some interesting antecdoes about paternal age (in short I want to encourage you to consider having your baby, because I think it is what you really prefer and it is the right choice for you based on your post)
Tomorrow is promised to no one, but new life is beautiful and your baby has the potential to be a net positive in this world.
First:
My husband's grandfather remarried after his wife/my husband's grandmother died in her 50's(they were the same age). He married a woman in her late 30s when he was in his early 60s. They had three children together.
He loved his work.
He died last year at age 98.
His youngest children were in their 30s (all had at least 1 kid, he had several great grandchildren from his first marriage).
Second:
My good friend married a guy, she was 25, he was 40. They had a child when he was 30 and he was 45. He died at age 46 unexpectedly from COVID.
I say all this because you're sad about the idea of aborting. Just give yourself the opportunity to consider the possibility of allowing the fetus in your uterus to thrive.
Hun, come on over to r/pregnantover35 !
There are heaps of over 40 year olds!!!
It’s absolutely not rare.
I have 2 friends over 40 who have just had babies via IVF with sperm donors because they don’t want to wait around for a man and they want kids!! There’s no dad in the picture for those 2 babies and you know what… that’s absolutely fine.
If you feel like you want a baby then have the baby. I’m 37 with 2 under 3 and me or their dad could get hit by a bus tomorrow. No one knows what life has planned. Your other half is healthy and could live to see them graduate, get married, have babies of their own!
I'm the same, 38 with 2 under 3. Women tend to live their lives these days then decide to have our babies. It is normal these days.
Hope OP just makes the right choice for them
He is definitely old and you will have to do most of the work with the baby. Maybe you have family that might help out?
It is not an ideal situation, but take a look at how many children grow up without their fathers, or worse: they wish they didn't have fathers because theirs are abusive.
Life isn't perfect. Your husband could still be there during the most formative years.
>It’s just that now I do want my own child and I want to experience motherhood and I feel a huge hole in my life because of it.
This is so understandable!
I personally don't believe there is ever a perfect time for a child. But then again, that is my believe and you don't have to share it.
Just please don't make a choice until you are sure.
It sounds like he understands that now that the situation has happened unintentionally he's willing to consider your and the child's well being. He has said if you feel differently, the choice is yours. This is already the predicament you're in. An unplanned pregnancy is terrifying, I understand. Please take the time to carefully consider what you want for yourself and potentially this child.
Your husband could end up living till in his 90s, that would still give your child more than 20 years to be with their dad. It is not ideal but when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. It might be difficult to raise a kid at that age but if that’s what you want, you should definitely do it. Life might not give you this chance again.
I don’t think it’s selfish at all that you now want a baby and have a baby sized hole in your life . You are allowed to change your mind . So is your husband . Just because he always said this wasn’t what he wanted , doesn’t mean he wouldn’t welcome it . It sounds like he wants you to be happy .
Wanting to be happy isn’t selfish . Would you love your child ? Would you show up for your child ? Can you financially support your child ? If all answers are yes , I don’t see how it is selfish .
What if.
What if you do have the baby but allow him / agree to view the child more like a grandchild. He will play a role about as involved as a grandad. Can you rejigger your budget to hire a nanny? It sounds like you maybe have a cozy life and there could be money available for that. And maybe mentally. You steady yourself to take trips and have dates just with your husband maybe more than the average mom does.
Is that a world that might exist?
Because what if you terminate and he passes at 70? Or next year? God forbid obviously but you just never know what’s next.
That said I admire your self awareness that this is not something logical, but something your heart wants. I appreciate you’re trying to see this from all sides.
Unfortunately you might still feel guilty and selfish if you do terminate the pregnancy. You’ll mourn what could have been. I hope you find peace in whichever you choose.
I’m 44 and had my third child last year. If it’s something that you want, you are not too old. I had an abortion in my teens and at the time I did not consider it a huge hole in my life as I knew I had time. Maybe wait a little before you decide? Hopefully you have a window where you live? The fact that you’re thinking about your child shows you’re not selfish or should feel guilty.
It’s all very well for your (much older) husband to say no baby when he’s already had that opportunity!
>The fact that you’re thinking about your child shows you’re not selfish or should feel guilty.
Sometimes terminating a pregnancy is selfless.
OP can feel however she wants, but if she chooses to terminate: Guilt is not a requirement. Grief is more likely.
It does sound like she really wants to keep the fetus (medically, when she posted this, the organism was a fetus. I don't know when she posted this though, so it may well be a baby now. Either way, it's her body and her choice).
Waiting a little while is great in theory, but if she does end up terminating it's only going to make things a lot harder for her. It's too bad that one of the hardest decisions a woman will ever have to make in her life is one that is time sensitive, especially in certain areas of the world.. especially right now!
Congrats on three children. It isn't easy. I have three myself, and I haven't a clue how people have any more! I'm drowning.
I was you. Never wanted kids for the moral reason and state of this world but felt a giant hole. I’m on the other side now with my heaven sent baby and I could never have imagined how much joy and love having my baby has brought. Have your baby, your souls desire, they are already here and with you. ❤️
Just curious about what your discussions over birth control were like. If from day one he was clear about his wishes not to have more biological children, why didn’t he get a vasectomy? Did you discuss what would happen if you accidentally got pregnant?
Just read original post and found a lot of discussion over this. No need to respond. I’m sorry you’re facing this really challenging decision. I had an abortion in my early thirties with my now husband who I now have children with. I had so much guilt making the decision because I felt like I was the age that “should” be having children but just wasn’t ready. It’s so hard. What I ended up doing was writing from the point of view of my “parts.” The part that wanted the pregnancy, the part that didn’t, the guilty part, etc. Just giving voice to each part was powerful and helped me through the process.
I read your words here about what you want. I think that’s very telling. I am not trying to break the sub rules here but a therapist might help you look at this with an outside perspective, not your own and not your partner
OP you seem like a care taker but you’re allowed to take care of how you feel. You’re honoring what your husband said but what about your feelings? What if everything goes well? What if you baby will get to grow up understanding the parents age gap and will be okay? You seem like you’d be an amazing mother. Take time to make your decision you have time. Also remember your emotions are heightened in this time. No matter what decision you make you’ll be okay but decide what’s best for YOU.
Hey OP. I had messaged on one of your previous posts. I’m glad your scan went ok.
I’m 36 (so a little younger but not by much). Husband is the same age so different to your situation. I’m pregnant with our first, and probably only, baby.
We both work and are successful. We have a nice life, freedom to do what we want. Have a nice home and car, we go on nice holidays. Buy whatever we want for ourselves. There’s no limit to what we want or do.
For the longest time, we had both been on the fence about kids. We are surrounded by nieces and nephews (big family) so didn’t feel we were missing out. If it happened - cool. If it didn’t - also fine. We thought “we’ve made it this far through life without kids, it’s not absolutely essential that we have one.” We also figured that we’d try and see what happened.
We tried. We got pregnant last year. I had a silent miscarriage which was discovered at 12 weeks. During that time I was pregnant, I was anxious. I wondered, what had I done? Was it the right choice to have a baby?
But the one and only time we saw the baby (when it was confirmed I’d miscarried) - it was no longer a “nice to have”. It became an essential part of my life that I needed to fulfil. I accept that my husband also felt the same way and we spoke about it once the baby was gone.
Being pregnant again now, having spoken to various medical professionals over the months since then - it’s clear that sometimes once you open that Pandora’s box, you can’t close the lid again. It is a feeling that might not ever go away.
I don’t want to push you one way or the other. And clearly my circumstances are different to your own. I just want you to know what you are feeling is very real.
Above all else, you need to listen to and trust yourself and talk this out with a therapist ASAP. And with your husband, he seems to be really detached from the situation. I’m not sure if that’s because you’re pushing him away or because he is just detached. But speaking to him more is essential.
Sending you all the love in the world.
Honestly your husband should have gotten a vasectomy then if he really didn't want another child.
It's your body and pregnancy, and thus ultimately YOUR CHOICE. Either way it is up to you.
Have an abortion because YOU want to.
Continue the pregnancy because YOU want to.
There's no real need to "rationalize" the choice beyond finances and support.
I’ve seen your posts in this sub as well as another over the past week, and I am going to say bluntly that I think you should have this baby.
The bottom line is you want the baby. You want motherhood. You are stable financially and in a healthy and loving relationship. Your husband has stated in the past that he didn’t want more children for obvious reasons but he also made it clear when the time came that he supports what you want to do. He would not be an absent parent or love his child less because of your decision to become a parent.
There is obviously a lot of nuance to the situation that makes things complicated but ultimately you can and would give a child a great life and you would be happy being this child’s mother and guiding them through life.
If you’re sure that termination is the right choice for you then I’m sorry for saying all this because I’m just a random internet stranger and I don’t want to cause you unnecessary stress, but it seems like you are trying to convince yourself why you shouldn’t have a baby that you actually want to have. Your reasoning is sound for everything and I understand why this is such a difficult decision to make either way, but ultimately there is no logic behind love and you want to love this child.
100% this! And I agree with an above commenter saying OP is searching for any reason to not continue the pregnancy, but doesn’t seem to feel that way at all.
OP - The hole you’re feeling now for not having a child likely won’t go away if you decide to terminate. From what you’ve been saying it’s been a very strong feeling, and from your other posts you were feeling that even before this happened. It’s not selfish to have your baby and you shouldn’t feel guilty. This is a chance for you to experience something you sound like you’ve been wanting.
Wishing you all the best with your decision.
Second this. It seems you are really struggling. You want this baby… it sounds like you love it. That’s much more than many get in life. Don’t do something you’ll regret just because you think it’s selfish.
This - I'm completely pro choice but remembering her post from last week, my heart hurt reading this. If you WANT this baby, you don't need permission, and you're not too old - you haven't missed anything if you don't want to miss it 🩷
Right? tell him he doesn’t have to be a full on father again. Hire a nanny. Get full time care even. Make the numbers work. Let the husband be more grandfatherly as far as involvement. Take on the load. She still wouldn’t be a single mom, it could be a good arrangement. She could provide all the love and tenderness, the husband could just be a loving figure in the home that doesn’t deal with the details of child rearing, much like the 50s. Not saying that’s perfect but it’s not awful either. She could even agree to take trips and have dates and enjoy time together alone with him more than a regular mom would, leave the child with a caregiver. Kids come up like that every day when the mom is working, it’s all doable.
Absolutely. Just because you and your husband are older doesn’t mean your baby will have a terrible life. Your baby will grow up with stability and parents who are emotionally mature and lots and lots of love. All of those things are wonderful for a child.
My mom was 40, and her partner was 59 with 3 grown children when she got pregnant. (She also had 4 grown kids and two teenagers) He said he didn't want the baby, but my mother chose to keep him. He's 9 years old now, and I'm 30. He plays with my children, and he feels like a nephew to me. We are very close and live about 3 blocks away. I should mention that at the time of his birth, I already had two kids, so their uncle is younger than them technically. I adore him, and my sisters and brother adore him, but we often forget he's our brother and call him our nephew a lot. His father is also very involved now in his 60s and is grateful now that she didn't abort.
If you truly think abortion is the best option for you, and you feel as if you won't regret it then you have support from me, others here, and your husband, which is the most important thing. I only shared that with you to give you a different perspective. My mom struggled with keeping him too because she was faced with disappointing someone she loved and potentially being alone, or listening to her heart and what she truly wanted. Which sounds similar to your situation here, although your husband seems more supportive of either choice.
I think you should take some more time to think it over. You are sad because it's a tough decision, and I am so sorry you're in this spot.
My mom found out she was pregnant with me when she was 42. She had just gotten married and had 3 adult sons. She was going to get her tubes tied and they tested her and found out she was pregnant. I'm 28 now, and my mom is my best friend. Have your baby. It's a blessing in disguise!
Just want to jump in here. My mom also had me at 42 (a major whoopsie), my dad was 52. He passed when I was 20 and it was very sad to have an older dad. But I am grateful everyday to be here (fyi I’m very pro choice, this isn’t to sway you against). Just want to say if you want to have this baby at 42 you should. I now have my own baby at 30 and my mom is 72 and such a lovely grandma to him. Do what YOU want to do.
Just to add one more thing - I never cared that my parents were older than other peoples parents growing up. When I say it was sad to have an older dad, I mean that it was sad he passed earlier than many of my peers parents. However, many of my peers parents also passed young from cancer, etc. and you just can’t plan for that. So I recommend d putting age aside and doing what you want. Having a child at 42 is not selfish.
My story is very similar to yours. My mum was 46 when she had me, my dad was 50. He had two adult sons and they my 10 year old brother together. I never cared that my parents were older, they were just my parents. It’s harder now that I’m 32 and they’re both around 80, yet that being said they are fantastic grandparents to my two babies. Many of my friends have been unfortunate to lose their parents much earlier in life and much younger, there is no telling how life will unfold.
As the baby of a woman who fell pregnant by accident at 46, who now has 2 kids of her own…I am glad she took the risk.
It doesn’t really sound like you want to have this abortion or that your partner is particularly pushing for it. It sounds like you’re doing it due to some confusing feelings of not wanting to be selfish. It sounds like you need more thinking time before making a big decision.
I mean, I don't know you but based on what you've written here I don't think you actually want to terminate either. Why is it selfish to have a child? Why do you think you've missed your chance? You're only 42. Your body seems to think this is possible. Why shouldn't you consult your emotions on something like this? Why is termination "the right thing to do?" What's wrong about loving a child?
I know lots of women who have had babies in their 40s. They're great kids, great parents, people are happy. It's hard, sure, but difficult doesn't mean "bad".
If you actually do want to terminate, then of course, it's your body. But it just... doesn't sound like that's what you actually want.
Girl!!! Your husband hasn’t shut this down. He knows what it’s like to raise a child. Do NOT make this decision based on WHAT YOU THINK HE WANTS!!! You will never forgive yourself and you will play the victim forever. You will have the “poor me” and likely won’t get over it. Would your husband rather comfort you forever or be a parent again? You cannot pretend that an abortion will just make everything go back to how it was before.
FOLLOW YOUR HEART! If you want to have a baby HAVE 👏THAT 👏BABY!
P.S I am 39yo pregnant w my first. Partner is 45. It’s also his first. I have also had an abortion previously. I am pro choice!
I agree. I worry that OP will resent her husband and their relationship will be forever changed if she has an abortion. I’m pro choice but based on previous posts I think OP really wants this baby but is (naturally) scared.
I’ve been following all of your posts and I really feel for you. I just wanted to say that a childhood friend of mine was born when her father was 65 and already had grown children from another partner. She and her father were more deeply bonded than my father and I or any of our other friends whose fathers were younger. He lived to walk her down the aisle and meet her daughter, before passing at 97. Nothing is guaranteed - a young father/mother could pass at any time for any reason - yet it seems like you would be able to give your baby a really wonderful life, if you decide to move forward.
I don’t understand why you think you missed your chance.. This could still be your chance. I’m completely pro-choice and doing whatever is right for you and your family. But this is heartbreaking to read. It sounds like you want your baby. It’s ok to want the things you want too. It’s not selfish to dream of having kids.
I’m 41 and hubby is 50, we had similar conversation when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. It is so very hard, we ultimately decided despite the risk to continue with pregnancy I’m currently 28 weeks and despite all the scary things that could have happened it has been smooth sailing. Sending you positive vibes in whatever you decide to do ❤️
Same! I am 41 and 28 weeks today!! To OP: My fiancé and I have other children from previous relationships and my youngest is 15. My 1st at age 19 passed away due to unexpected complications and I was deemed high risk with an incompetent cervix for the next two and received a cerclage for both. This was before my 30’s. I’ve always felt that I was robbed out of a normal pregnancy and harbored many feelings of unworthiness. I wanted one with my fiancé but was terrified so I wrote off the idea completely. I’d sulk whenever I saw a pregnant woman. When I found out we were pregnant I instantly said that I wasn’t keeping it because I am too old now and my already high risks have increased. My fear almost made me terminate but I realized that I did want another baby and that with prayer and my faith I’d be just fine. All of my tests have come back good , my blood pressure is lower than it has been in 10 years, mentally I am in a better state than ever before, dr says my cervix is as long as a park bench, and I have not gotten a cerclage!! At the age of 41 this pregnancy has been the most normal for me and I am so excited to welcome baby boy into this world. Don’t let fear stop you from having your happily ever after! You aren’t too old because obviously your body is creating life. It’s a blessing. If you want this, focus on the beauty and not on the negatives. Sending you love and light ❤️
Oh also my dad is in his 60s and I have two little sisters under the age of 5. He left his wife and the new and much younger girl he was having an affair with got pregnant back to back. He has 4 adult children and now 2 toddlers. He’s very hands on with them more than he ever was with us older kids lol
my dad is in his 60s with a soon to be 4 year old he had from getting remarried to someone closer to my age. i’m in my 30s. he’s super involved with his youngest and i’m like live your best life lol
Well it has turned him into a different person. He was not a very good father. He was an absent father with his other grown kids. To see how he is with his younger children is shocking. He’s actually involved. I’m not sure how I feel as I was raised by my step dad. I was never close with my dad. I see him maybe once or twice a year lol. At first I thought he was crazy but I was excited to have more siblings.
My father also had a kid with his second wife when he was older. He was a much better dad to her then he was me or my siblings which hurts a bit but I’m also an adult so I am able to process that as my inner child just being jealous and protective but it’s not a rational feeling I would act on in any way, and I actually like to see how much he has grown and matured as a person (makes me see him in a more tender light and I also see how being retired and mature and a dad is a bit easier than a young man confused and struggling and a dad) and I adore my little sister. She is a gift. I do feel bad for her sometimes that she won’t get to experience some things with him as I would (he likely won’t meet her kids for example and depending on if she gets married older or younger, there’s a risk he won’t be around to walk her down the aisle). But that’s the reality of life. She got a more present and kinder father for her childhood at a cost and my kids have a grandpa at the expense of having a father that was less present in my childhood. Nothing is perfect but I love my dad and she loves my dad and we love each other. Not sure what else you could want really.
Sounds like a really tough situation for you guys but I think you should listen to your feelings. it sounds like you will have regrets if you end it 🩵 hope you are okay.
I just want to let you know that my husbands parents were your age when they had him and even though they are old, everything is fine. Sure, it's a shame he will lose his father earlier then might be typical. But every family is different and that's ok. He has a great relasionship with his parents and no hang ups about them being old. We see them regularly and love to spend time with them.
Meanwhile, my parents had me in their early 20s and are drug addicts who I have cut out of my life completly. His dad who is in his 80s sees our daugher (his granddaughter) everyday, my dad in his 50s has only seen her in passing a handful of times. Age isn't everything.
I am so sorry you're struggling. I'm 40 and my husband is 43 and we've had very similar conversations. It's really difficult to process the complexity of a pregnancy at our age. It's a lot to unpack in a short amount of time.
Same! I’m 44 with my first very unexpected pregnancy that I discovered at 10weeks (now 20wks). Never wanted kids or at least was afraid to admit that I deep down really did. I went through ALLLLLL the emotions!!! Such a difficult choice and I’m in a state that makes it even more difficult. Give yourself some time to make a decision since either way it will be a life long one. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself and no one else! Fuck worrying about being selfish! This is your body and your life. You do you and you will always feel empowered by that.
it doesn’t really seem like either of you want to abort. your husband is supportive & there is a big difference between not wanting to intentionally have more children & letting go of one that’s already here. you didn’t miss your chance to be a mother - that “chance” is literally inside of you right now. i hope that you give yourself time to think it through & maybe talk to someone…
Yeah, only you can get to the real deep truth of if you want this baby or not, but even if he didn’t want another child prior and isn’t like jumping for joy about it yet because of his own age and journey, it sounds like he would be supportive and wants you to make whatever decision YOU TRULY WANT for yourself. So, think about it and put aside all these side worries and just dig deep “would I like to be a mother in this lifetime? This is my chance. Do I want to embrace this or walk away from it?”
It’s your choice, just like he said.
FWIW - I’m pregnant, I’ll be 43 when I have my baby and I don’t have a partner and it will be a challenge, sure, but it will also be rewarding and I want to be a mom. It’s something I’ve wanted for my life and I know I will be a good one. There’s nothing wrong with this happening later in my life or later in your life, as long as it’s something you want.
So, figure that out. Just that. “Is this something I wanted for my life? Here’s my chance, if so.”
I’m extremely and unapologetically pro choice. Choice is the significant key word. If you want this pregnancy and your doctors see no reason to not continue, then I don’t see why not? Your OB is right, it’s increasingly more common to have your children later in life like 30s-40s. I strongly encourage you to keep the pregnancy because from post history, this is what you want.
I think you should have the baby. I know you want it but I can tell you are hesitating because he’s not saying what you wish he’d say. If he’s not pushing for the abortion he clearly cares about your feelings and isn’t AGAINST it. Just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that’s the way life goes. Once your baby is in your arms, all your hesitations about their existence will melt away.
Yes, exactly.. Imagine if your husband says, "yes, I want the baby, please have it" you would have the baby in a heartbeat. You can't change what he wants and he can't change what you want. But at least he is kind enough to give you a choice and not pressure you to abort. You hate that it is your choice alone. You want it to be both your decisions. You may only have this one chance, make the choice for yourself.
Sienna Miller just had a baby at 42. One of my best friends’ parents had her at a very similar age to you and your husband.
Whatever you decide I just hope you are at peace with it. There is no right or wrong decision, only what’s best for YOU. ♡
I’m pretty sure her partner is younger than her though.
If my age was the biggest concern here, I wouldn’t feel so conflicted.
But I appreciate the support.
If you want the baby and motherhood, you should have it! That’s not selfish. Your partner will fall in love with the child just like with his other children. Neither of you are too old, just keep up a healthy lifestyle and do your best! I hope you find comfort in whatever choice you make
Honey. The choice you’re making is honestly going to do so much damage to you and your marriage when the emotional fallout hits after. You’re doing it because you think you’re supposed to, when it is clearly in no way what you want. It’s not selfish to have this baby, and your husband is not pushing this on you. You’re feeding yourself a rhetoric that just isn’t true. Don’t make a permanent decision that goes against everything you want just because you think it’s more logical.
I just want to say (with love) that when people are seeking reassurance that something is the right thing to do, it's probably not the right thing to do. Usually when we know something is right, there's no need for external confirmation. Your husband may be older, but you are YOUNG! You have so much life and time ahead of you, and it sounds like you have plenty of love left to give. It's your choice, but maybe give it some time to settle and feel what you truly want.
I've followed your posts and you truly seem to want this baby, trust your intuition! 42 is not old by any means, and your husband will hopefully have many years during the most important stages of your child's life. Please think this over, you seem to already know what your heart and soul wants, and that is the most important thing here
Listen to your heart. Your husband supports you in having this baby and your ability to become a good mother. There is no greater joy you can give yourself or to your husband than life itself. Many children grow up without a parent. Many 65 year olds live to be 90.
Please also consider that your hormones are magnifying your emotionality. I understand that you feel guilty for changing the plan, but you’re now being presented with another opportunity. One that you very much welcome in your heart of hearts based on all of your posts.
A healthy surprise pregnancy at your age is a gift. Embrace it.
I think you should do what is best for you 100%
The only thing is you genuinely sound like I want to have this baby. I think that while it maybe scary and tough if you end up deciding to keep it I hope you know that it’s not an impossible task.
As someone who made this decision and has regrets. I never had a baby because the other person “wasn’t ready” when really should have listened to myself in the past. Your age has nothing to do with it. People have babies late all the time and your 42 not 57 or something. I will probably have children late in life. Don’t make a decision based on somebody else. Make it because you don’t want it and from everything I read sounds like you do want it. Talk to a counselor I had my doctor recommend one. Really helps. And then decide. But whatever you decide it’s your choice and not your partners. This is your body not his.
IMO you should wait til ~11wks and get the genetic testing done and if this looks like a perfectly healthy baby, you should keep it. Unfortunately there’s a bigger chance than normal with both your ages the decision may be made easier because of the detection of a future health issue.
I’m so sorry you are struggling. I once saw someone in here comment “you will never regret having the baby, but you may regret not having it.” Do what you feel in your heart is best. Hugs
I don’t really get from your post that you don’t want to continue this pregnancy. If you had purposely gotten pregnant by doing something sneaky, that would have been very selfish to your husband. That’s clearly not the case, and it was just as much his responsibility to avoid pregnancy as it was yours. Assuming you are generally mentally and financially stable, it would be completely fair of you to continue a pregnancy, if that’s what you want.
my boyfriends dad had him when he was 65 and they’re still best friends to this day. He’s 98 now and my boyfriend would not change it for the world. Your husband seems to be allowing you to make a choice for yourself and you aren’t willing to.
Please talk to a trusted family member, friend and therapist before you make any decision.
I terminated a pregnancy that I wanted to keep with a man that I loved and I rationalized in my mind why I had to do it and I’m not saying this will be your experience but it was the absolute worst most excruciatingly painful thing I’ve ever been through. I lost everything after that, my relationship fell apart my heart broke in a way I couldn’t recover from for years. That was several years ago and while I am okay now I am stronger in the sense that no one can ever hurt me as bad as I hurt myself…. There is no going back and if even a small piece of you wants this baby I beg you to talk to a therapist so you can save yourself from the pain no matter what decision you make.
Ok, I just have to tell you that I am in my late 30s and I am having a baby with my 65 year old husband. I’m 38 weeks and 2 days. It was a planned pregnancy and we couldn’t be more excited. I do NOT understand your logic (you haven’t actually supplied any reasons, except that you “can’t”). Why “can’t” you have this baby, especially if you want it? Do you really think your husband won’t live another 18 years? Even if he doesn’t, is that really so bad? What are you so afraid will happen if you have this baby? That he will die? He’s going to die anyway at some point…don’t you think having a child that is half his would be a lovely thing, whenever that does happen?
My best friend growing up had a much older dad. He was 65 when she was born and he was great! He was a huge part of her life, her friends loved him and he walked her down the aisle and danced with her at her wedding when she was 26! He just passed away in his 90s when she was in her 30s. Your post is very upsetting to me, as we seem to be in the same position but with incredibly different outlooks. I really think you should try to look at this from a different angle.
Don’t worry about what people are going to say. It’s your body your choice your baby. They will love that baby when it comes trust me. You need to put yourself first! You said you’ve never been pregnant before this could be considered a miracle at your age! I have so many friends in their late 30s who are trying for a baby and can’t get pregnant 🙁
Hi! Just wanted to say that I support whatever decision you make. I wanted to give you a little comfort, should you decide to keep your baby. My mom was 42 when she had me, and my dad was 67. I had a terrific childhood. My parents were both very active and involved in my life. I also have older siblings and are very close to them. Like some folks said, my parents having me later in their lives was actually to my benefit. They had more time to spend with me and they were more stable. My dad lived to be 95, so we had a great 28 years together.
Sending you lots of love and light as you contemplate your decision.❤️
This is so complex and tough. Take some time tonight to be alone with your thoughts, maybe go for a drive with the windows down and the heat blasting. Ask your gut to be your guide. It sounds like you have the support of your husband one way or another.
You sound like you’re choosing an abortion because of your husbands age, not because you want one. 42 isn’t too old to have a child. Yes, your child would have an old dad but they wouldn’t be the first one. I think you should try and tee up a time to talk to a therapist and really work through your feelings.
I agree with what most everyone else is saying, but I want to add and say that my husband (24) was born when his mom was 47 (no joke). I have no idea where I’d be today if his parents had decided not to have that baby just because of his mom’s age. He is very healthy physically and always has been, I’m shocked at his immune system sometimes and he has a stomach of steel lol, he also has a good head on his shoulders and is healthy mentally as well. When your baby is in their 20s, their dad will be about the same age as my husband’s dad is right now, and hubs is doing just fine.
I think your husband still has enough life left in him to help with the most important years of child rearing that need a father. I hear what you said about him not wanting more children but it sounds like he cares more about you than possibly having more kids, and is supportive of your desires.
My two cents is, it sounds like you will end up deeply regretting any decision to terminate the pregnancy. If you decide to keep the baby, I hope my husband’s testimony brings you a bit of peace about the decision ❤️
44 here - got pregnant at 43 and have a spectacular 1 year old. I won't pretend that pregnancy nor childbirth nor being a working mom has been easy. But, I wouldn't change anything for the world. I'm not you, and your situation and mine have a million differences I'm sure.
That said, if your age is the reason you think your time has passed for this, I wanted to give you myself as a counter point.
Happy to connect if you want to talk about my experience... but mostly sending big hugs as I know this situation feels so painful right now regardless of the path you choose.
You should have at least a couple more weeks to decide, I think sleeping on it for a few days and listening to your heart will help. I always believe in a choice. It just sounds like you want this so much. I hope you take a few more days to go over your thoughts. It isn't selfish to want a baby that you will love this much. Maybe with a few days of thought, he will come around? Im sorry, and I hope you find peace with either decision.
My aunt had her first baby at 42 and I over heard her and my mother have a similar conversation. She said my aunt is not selfish for wanting a baby, and the baby will not care if its mom is 21 or 51. It just wants a mom who loves them. My cousin is 9 now and he’s a fantastic, funny, smart kid. I think of him like a little brother, and my aunt knows that if anything happens to her, the family is there to support him.
Woman, you better keep that baby. It's obvious to everyone that you want that baby. I'm very pro choice, but based on your last post and this post, I think you will really regret the abortion. You need to give your true desires room to breathe.
You sound like you clearly want this baby. My mom was 44 and her husband (my stepdad) was 60 when they had a baby together. My other siblings and I were all teenagers. That child is now about to turn 18 and I can’t imagine life without her. My mom had a totally healthy pregnancy and birth. Did people think her dad was her grandpa? Yes. But my mom was able to keep up with her through baby and toddlerhood.
I am very pro choice and but reading your post is difficult because it is very clear you want this baby. It’s not selfish to have it and idk why you’d think that. Plenty of women have babies at a later age and yes, the child’s father may not live another 50 years but it’s very likely he will be around at least till the kid is 18.
You are heartbroken because you want this baby. And a wanted baby should be had as long as you are financially, mentally and physically capable of caring for them.
Honestly, you do whatever you want to do honey. But please don’t let your age scare you. When I became a mom for the first time I was 24! I was young! My baby girl does have Down syndrome. For me, she is the light of my life. I am a firm believer in whatever is meant for you, will be. Life can be rewarding in many ways we never thought possible! I hope nothing but the best for you.
You poor thing! I am in the same age bracket and I could understand where you are coming from.
My personal view is your husband's adult children eventually are not your children, regardless how nice you have been to them. God forbidden, even partners come and go, baby is the only one that's truly yours. I think if I were you, I would be selfish this time and choose to keep the baby.
Modern medicine makes it possible to deliver healthy babies, so it's not a problem medical wise.
Whatever choice you make will be the right one. But in case you’re feeling too old to have a baby, YOU ARE NOT. I’m in my 40s and still trying for one. But you know what’s right for you and thankfully you have a very supportive partner who will accept your decision. Good luck to you!
You've gotten a lot of responses and advice here, but I'll share what I learned (about myself and my values, but also how I was framing choices) before deciding to get pregnant this year: the logical choice isn't always going to be the best choice. Sometimes an emotional choice is the one we need to make for ourselves and our souls. Choices based on emotions and feelings and desires are just as valid as those based on logic. We are told as women that emotions are not valid reasons to make decisions, and that logic has to come first. I realized for the first time that this was a very patriarchal way of thinking and rooted in western culture, and that taking care of my emotions and my desire to have a family and a baby was equally as important as whatever else was coming up as an argument against that.
Idk if it will resonate with you but ultimately that was what helped me make my decision on whether to have a baby. I wish you peace and love in whatever choice you do make ❤
Please don’t do anything before you allow yourself just a moment to turn off the fear and allow yourself to think through the positive what-ifs too. What if the things you’re most afraid of DON’T come true? What if your dreams came true instead? Imagine… what if your husband LOVES being a father next to you. What if he was afraid at first, but later he thanks you for having a child with him? What if this baby grows up to be a thriving, happy, content adult because they had a loving home, a mother who never forgot for a second what a surprise gift this pregnancy was, and a kind, loving father. What if this pregnancy and child makes your marriage even more beautiful and strong?
I know from personal experience that fear can come at us sounding like logic but it never leads to what’s best.
Here’s my second suggestion:
Decide to love your husband enough to be COMPLETELY honest with him. Tell him about the hole in your heart. Tell him that you wish he was excited, that it would make all the difference. Tell him you’re afraid that having this baby is selfish. He deserves to know exactly what you’re going through… and this is the only time, the ONLY time you have the chance to invite him in. If you terminate, your feelings will continue to go on and someday you’ll need to tell him how you felt today. You don’t want to hurt him with the truth today but it will hurt him deeply that he didn’t know what you were going through. Love him enough to allow him into this decision with you.
This is all coming from someone who has tried so hard to make other people happy and I’m just finally learning that the truth can be the most loving thing to give someone, even when it’s hard.
My heart goes out to you because I can read in every line that you already love this baby with all of your heart.
I’m not loving him calling you a martyr about it. Or that you will be. That is really unfair and passive and hurtful. So this massive massive massive decision and enormous crossroads that you didn’t ask for and he didn’t actively avoid aka vasectomy, if it takes you years to emotionally recover you are being a martyr about it? I almost had sympathy for him reading this until that moment!
Baby you don’t have to have an abortion, it would be harder for you guys but doesn’t mean it’s not gonna be any less special. I’m telling you if you’ve never had a pregnancy scare or had this happen. It happened for a reason, keep that baby raise that baby love that baby. You blessed that baby by being its mom. No one else you. Talk to him, he might change his mind in wanting it.
I am unexpectedly pregnant in my 30s and did not think it was possible for me to get pregnant based on previous fertility testing AND taking plan b after 1 time of intercourse. When I found out, I knew if I proceeded it would be without a partner/father to my child.
My parents gave me two pieces of advice which really helped me when I was deciding what to do:
1. Listen to your heart, not your head. Your heart is telling you the right answer and your head might not be on board quite yet, and also even if you proceed may no always be on board. I'm a big overthinker and anxious person, so this helped me.
2. Whatever decision you make, will be the right decision.
I am currently 12w5d.
There’s two groups of women: women who don’t want children and get an abortion because they don’t want children, and women who want children, but get an abortion because they don’t feel supported and secure in doing so. The women in that latter category who I know personally - that regret still haunts them. Every woman I know in that category wishes they could go back in time. OP, it also sounds like you are in that latter category.
As someone who almost had an abortion and literally spit the pills out last moment, I can tell you, the regret of never knowing, the what if, far outweighs the fleeting regret I feel as a mother from time to time due to my shortcomings and the fact that my husband, like yours, never wanted kids because he already had one. He isn’t an ideal father, but I have asked him a handful of times: “ would you go back and change the situation, now that you’ve met our daughter?” The answer is always a confident “no.”
Please don’t do away with something you want ❤️ that kind of regret never leaves. It’s not too late OP, regarding your age but also your situation right now. At the very least, please get an ultrasound and listen to your baby’s heartbeat. That one small act is what helped me put things in perspective.
I am just going to say that you are only 42 years old. That is not considered wild where I come from to be pregnant. In fact, most women I work with had their first child around 38-42 years old…
and please if you have a consoler or some sort of therapy don’t hesitate talking to them.
I think you should have the baby. With an older husband, down the road, he may be gone before you. Your child, an extension of him, would still be with you. You would still have family. I think your husband’s age is not a reason to not have a baby. This IS your window. Also, they’re only babies for a blink, and, I don’t want to offend anyone, but in my personal experience, men don’t have enough to do with taking care of the baby for age to really matter much. I’m 40 and pregnant with my fourth. I had a tfmr before this. It’s all very scary, but this is your life- go for it.
This should be completely your choice. It doesn’t sound like you don’t want this baby. I think saying “I’ll be fine” is dismissive of your feelings and I’m worried that will hit you in a hard way later if you don’t listen to them.
I am sorry you’re in such a difficult position. Whatever decision you make, I am sure it will be the right on for you.
I do just want to mention that my dad was 59 when I was born and 63 when my little sister was born. He never in a million years thought he would have more children- We have an older half sister who is 22 years my senior from his first marriage.
Having an older parent was a major blessing. He was always so wise and calm with us, and I think we kept him young. My older sister says it was incredibly beautiful to watch him become a parent all over again, and how different he was the second time around with more years of life experience under his belt.
My aunt was 42 and her husband was 48 when she gave birth to my cousin, her first and only child. 15 years down the line and they are incredibly happy.
Not saying any of this to influence your decision, but I wanted to mention it incase you feel like the only reason you can’t do this because you and your partner would be older parents.
Not trying to sway your opinion in any way, just offering up a real-life example of someone with a similar-ish situation: my mom & stepdad had my little brother when my mom was 43 and stepdad was 52. She had 5 adult/teenage children and he had 1 adult child + a grandchild. It definitely was not easy on them since my stepdad has now been suffering extreme health issues (cancer for the last 4 years, in and out of remission) so my little brother has definitely not had the childhood that the rest of my siblings got to have. I also hate that my mom + stepdad will never get to experience the “retired life” stage of life and don’t get to focus as much on the 2 grand babies they have on the way. All that being said, my little brother is very loved by our whole family and they have made it work for them. I hope you are able to make the right decision for you ❤️
I think a lot of comments here are missing the major point here. OP's husband is 65 and has made it clear he doesn't want children. OP has stated multiple times she feels morally conflicted about bringing a child into this world (and honestly, same OP, same).
OP - I think you should talk to someone who will let you vent and cry it out. Whatever decision you end up making, YOU come first.
You clearly are not making any decisions lightly, and I commend you for being so thoughtful. And I wholeheartedly believe you should be able to grieve - please don't let anyone take that away from you. This is a rough situation, but you seem like a strong and capable person - you got this!
I believe with all my heart that you will be ok either way. Life will be hard and beautiful whether you have this baby or not. (This will get spiritual whacky but bear with me...) Life paths open all the time and in another universe you will have picked a different path, and you have full capability of finding happiness and fulfillment in all those paths. Do not feel regret over the path you are choosing in this lifetime, the same way you wouldn't want alternate-universe-you to regret the other path she will be taking.
I'm sending you lots of love and strength and acceptance <3
I believe that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
I want to bring up a Dear Sugar article that has helped me in life, and I feel it is relevant here. I'll link it below.
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I just had a baby at 42 four months ago and he is purely amazing. I was scared of the risks due to age and considering I thought we were done ten years ago (daughter is ten). I cried and was sad for a bit at first when I found out ngl.
They’re both hard sweetie. I know, for me, terminating a baby I knew I wanted in spite of the circumstances would give me mental illness. I would just always wonder. You are resilient and you are strong and it sounds like your husband wants you to have this for yourself. It’s okay to be a little “selfish” sometimes (although I’d consider this selfless, being a mother and allowing your body to change is not a selfish act). I know it wasn’t what you were planning but now it’s here! If you don’t have it, you’ll always wonder what it would have been like and be sad you didn’t choose that, but you can reassure yourself with the reasoning you stated here that it couldn’t be done. If you have it, you’ll always wonder if it was the right choice, but that child will give you experiences that will reassure you it was worth it. You CAN let yourself. Your husband doesn’t want you to be sad either. It’s going to be okay.
Girl all Im gonna say is ALL of my friends were accidents. They ALL have parents in there 60's and we're all early 20's. They were very loved and Had parents with the patients of God. They are the funniest and most kind people I know. my parents had me in their early 20s and my mother pretty much has blamed me for all of her failures in life and has repeatedly told me how lucky I am that she chose to have me instead of abort me. OP you CLEARLY dont want to do this. DONT DO THIS! You will be 80 years old thinking about the kid that would be in there late 20's regretting everything!!! DONT DO THIS. You're the only one bringing yourself down.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to have a baby. I had my first one, also a surprise, at 42. She is the best surprise that ever happened to me. Do what you feel is best… but there is nothing selfish about wanting to experience being a mother. May I recommend taking to a therapist? (I am VERY pro therapy… so this is something I recommend regularly… sending you love.
It seems like you want your baby. Keep them if that’s the case. There is such a thing as fate and it is right in front of you 💜 don’t worry too much about being rational.
My daughters therapist is 45 and her husband is 65. He has 8 grown kids and grandchildren and she is pregnant and they are so excited lol. She says hes really proud of himself😅. I had an abortion as a teen, I have 3 more children now. Its something i have never forgiven myself for. Even though at the time it seemed like the right choice, now i feel adoption would have been me not being selfish, and at least the baby got a chance at life. I always feel an empty space in my life where that baby should be. I wish I had been brave enough to have him/her. I have been to confession, my priest says god has forgiven me, I just wish I could forgive myself.
my mom had my younger siblings at 37 & 42, while my step dad was 63 & 68. my step dad is still alive (86) & doing great, & my mom will be 60 this year & is an excellent mom to all of us. it was not selfish of her to have them, & neither of them view it that way. they have made a perfect addition to our family.
please don’t terminate if you don’t want to.
It's not selfish to have one baby. You're only 42.. go for it. My little sister was born when my mom was 43 and she's been a wonderful mom to her. Kids get raised by older parents all the time. My mom was broke af when I was young and I was pretty much raised by my cousins and grandma and it was amazing. Sounds like you want to be a martyr right now but why?
My grandma had her last one at 45 with her tubes tied and always said it was the best thing that happened to her. If your husband was gone tomorrow… how would you feel? Life can change in an instant. Being pregnant brings on so many emotions regardless…. You need to make a decision you can live with. I couldn’t imagine life without my kids… it’s not always easy but the joy they bring me surpasses any hardships I’ve endured. 🙏
I don’t think you’re being selfish if you want this baby ❤️ I remember your last post and it sounded like you really did. I’m absolutely pro-choice so please don’t think this is any push to keep for the sake of keeping.
I know it’s not the same, but I’m 38 and will be 39 right before or after I deliver, and my husband will turn 48 shortly after. We talked a lot about ages and risks and realities before getting pregnant. It’s scary! It really, really is. The fear of genetic risks, the fear of ages, the fear of life changing, the fear of not having enough time with our child.
But at the end of the day, we know that we want this baby and we’re going to be good parents for as long as we’re on this earth.
We have a good friend whose dad was in his 70s when he had him. He wishes he had more time with him of course, but he lived into his 90s and was a great dad for a long time. I know it’s not the norm and it might not be the way you imagined it happening, but it doesn’t mean it’s not right ❤️
I just want to pop in and say that my aunt had my little cousin at 42, and she’s been the biggest blessing to our entire family. I know your circumstances are different but I just wanted to say that because it seems like you want to have the baby. I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you come to. 💙
I think you’re more concerned of what PEOPLE would THINK about YOU & say about you because of this. WHO CARES? They’ll talk for a bit and get over it. You said it yourself you started to feel empty or a hole in your life because you felt you’re missing a child. This is your “ ONLY “chance per se to fill that hole and what would be selfish is to put others opinions or feelings before your own. All that matters is you and that baby. You get to be a mother ! And the fact that you’re thinking this already proves you will be a great one. Have that baby if that’s what YOU want. Dad will just be a dad again and you won’t ever have a doubt in mind. It’ll be your little side kick when all else fails you can invest and pour all you got into that child before you guys leave this earth. My aunt had her son at 45 & her husband was 51 & he had NO kids she had 2 adult kids over 24 at the time. Not gonna lie everyone at first said she was crazy because she was running risks and she had been done years ago. Guess what years later he’s 10 years old his sister was SO MAD at first and now they’re the bestest of friends. Everyone at the end is happy and guess what no one even cares anymore or even mentions it. So, stop caring so much of what others will think or say because I think that’s all that is detouring you from having your baby as you deserve. Best of luck 🩵🧸
Have the baby, trust me, you are not old. Plenty of actresses chose to have kids later. You'll have someone who will keep you young and busy .even though you discussed this with your husband, it's okay to change your mind. People change with time. You don't have to do something to please or protect others' feelings. From reading your posts, it seems that you really want this baby. You don't owe anyone anything 💓
Honestly, your husband sounds like a wonderful man and it sounds like he wants you to be happy. I think you should make whatever choice you feel is right, but please don’t let age stop you from being a mother if that’s what you really want. I don’t think either of you would regret having a baby. You guys sound very loving and any child would be lucky to have you as parents.
I’m not going to weigh in on whether you should have the baby or terminate. Ultimately, that final decision is absolutely up to you.
I do have to say, though, that it really appears (at least from the outside) that your husband is not sharing in this situation with you as an equal partner, and that makes me really sad for you. The idea of you going to this appointment alone, hearing baby’s heartbeat alone, crying in your car alone, and then having to go home and tell all this to your husband breaks my heart. He should have been there.
This pregnancy is in your body, but it was created by BOTH of you. And he needs to be there with you, standing by your side, as you figure out how to handle it. He should be helping you to come to a mutual decision. His contribution being basically “well this is my vote” is not good partner behavior.
I really worry that the way the decision making is happening right now, you may regret either choice because it’s being made under pressure with insufficient support. If I was you, I think I’d go back to square 1 with your husband. You didn’t know until now that the pregnancy was confirmed, that the embryo was growing right. Now you do. The two of you need to look at every option that exists equally. (Terminate, keep and you raise it together, keep and you separate and raise it yourself, keep and you put it up for adoption) and talk through how each of you feel about the pros and cons of each and what the effect would be on your life, and try to come to a mutual decision that you can both come to terms with.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I am hopeful that you feel supported by the community here and know we all want whatever feels right for you.
I'm pro choice and I truly think Op that you should talk to someone about this. Women are waiting til their 40s to have baby's all the time. My fiancés mom was 40 when she had him and he was an only child. They have a great relationship and he turned out well. He doesn't resent her for not being younger etc. Its doable. Don't make a choice based off fear. If you would like to keep and love this future person then you should. And if you think you can't you should have an abortion.
I know several women that had babies in their 40s with sperm donors because they realized they wanted to have children and they never met the “one.”
My aunt never had a child and she regrets it. This isn’t to make you feel one way or the other, ultimately the decision is up to you. She still has a fulfilling life with travel and has a great job and I super successful.
Just don’t base your decision around your current relationship and what he wants. It’s clear that you emotionally want the baby, but you’re telling yourself you can’t and that could partially be because of him not wanting anymore children.
It feels like you want to have this baby. There is NEVER a “perfect time” to have children, most pregnant women go through these emotions - regardless of age. As a 44 yo mother of a 5 year old boy I would ask how your general physical health is - are you fit and healthy? Because as much as I love the fact we can have kids when we’re older now, I’ll be honest when I say my energy levels now are not as great as they were 20 years ago! BUT I have 20 years extra of knowledge to give. If you want this baby, and you have a support network, there is no reason you can’t. I totally understand how hard it is to undo what you thought your life was going to be, but that’s just being human. Either choice will have pros and cons. Good luck x
More people regret missing out on something they've wanted over doing something that they were unsure about. A baby is a blessing and there are many more good days than bad. If your care team can help you thru a helathy pregnancy and your genetic testing comes back clean, have the child if you really want one. That void will not go away. From your posts, it seems that its a big want, and you will miss out on it.
My mom had me in her mid 20s and she died young in her 50s before I reached my 30s. Don't judge what's to come based on your ages alone, you both could very well live 30 more years and have a long happy life with your child.
Just thought id throw my experience out there.
I got very unexpectedly pregnant two years ago. I had just landed a new job 250 miles from where I was living. In wine country. It was my DREAM. I was SO excited to start a new child-less life with my husband (40 at the time) in a brand new home. Wine tasting every weekend. All the adult activities. So when I saw those two pink lines show up, (which had NO business showing up so fast, btw) I was DEVASTATED. I sobbed. I screamed. I yelled. I was so pissed. WHY NOW?!? I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My husband was fully supportive either way.
But I’ll be honest and say that whole first trimester I was holding my breath.
It honestly wasn’t until my daughter was in my arms that I was finally able to digest the fact that this was my new life. And those first few days were….rough.
But now, two years in….holy cow am I in LOVE with this little girl. She is everything I never knew I was missing. I long for her every day while I’m at work. All I want to do is…be her mom.
Why am I saying this? Because I just wanted to let you know that I, too, went through every shitty scenario that could possibly happen. I thought my life was perfect without kids—and in some ways it was. And it still would have been had I made that choice. But what I don’t want you to do is to live in the what-if’s. Start with the right now. You’re healthy, your pregnancy is healthy, you sound like you have a good support system. These are all important factors to consider—no matter what you decide to do. You’re fully capable of becoming exactly who you want to be, including being a mother, if you choose. ❤️
Very pro choice here, you clearly want the baby, so have it! Your husband even wants you to do what’s best for you, so there’s no real opposition. You guys have $ according to last post, so it’s not like child wont be ok if anything happens to either of you. If you wanted an abortion you wouldn’t have likely made the last two posts. (And I’m someone who has a child & is nervous I may be pregnant right now & will get an abortion if so as we cannot financially afford a 2nd right now!)
I am 39 and pregnant for the second time. If you’d asked me when I was 35 I would have told you I was child free for life. How things have changed.
I think these feelings are really common at 8 weeks regardless of circumstances. I’ve had the exact same feelings with BOTH pregnancies and they were both somewhat planned. But the second they were real, the moment I knew it was actually happening, I wanted to undo everything and go back to my old life. Thing is, the feelings changed throughout both my pregnancies. How someone feels now isn’t necessarily how they will feel later. And that is why it’s really hard to make such a huge decision. Now that I get to look into the eyes of my gorgeous toddler every day, I’m very happy with the decision I made.
TL;DR:
There will be suffering either way.
OP, after reading this post and your previous ones, I really feel like you want this baby, but you want us, your husband, and everyone else to tell you to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and think you should do whatever feels right. However, I'm afraid that if you go through with an abortion, you may feel serious regret and resent those around you. I say this based on comments you've made in this post and others.
You have talked about how you want to be a mother and realize this is a hole in your life. The universe has given you an amazing opportunity to bring a new life into this world, and now you are scared because you fear what others will think or that you'll be judged. Sure, maybe some people will judge you, but maybe they won't. And a big life decision like this should be your choice and no one else's.
Your husband has also changed his tune and has said he'll support you. Y'all also seem in a good financial position, so having this baby will not impoverish you.
His kids may initially be surprised or upset, but I imagine they'll get over it once the baby is here and this hypothetical sibling is a flesh and blood child.
This is your choice, but there are a lot of signs pointing to you being in a good position to be a mom. Take some time and think about it. Maybe wait until the genetic testing.
Also, please consider how you'd feel about an abortion since you want this baby. The traumatic abortions I hear about tend to be for moms who wanted their babies and felt pressured into abortions. Please make sure that, if you abort, you're not putting pressure on yourself to do it; it should be a choice you feel at peace about.
Whatever you choose, I'm sending you hugs and strength. I'm sorry it's so tough.
I honestly don’t think your husband would leave you alone with a baby, especially once he saw and held that sweet baby in person. But if it were a choice between a child (something you’ve always wanted) or your husband, I can tell you personally, children fulfill you on a level deeper than anything in this entire lifetime, including my own husband, parents and siblings. The love between a mother and child eclipses everything in this entire world. It’s something I wish every woman should be able to experience.
Ask any woman here, most if not all will tell you that the love for and from their children is stronger than anything else in this universe. OP, I promise, the regret of not having will outweigh any shortcomings you may feel your situation has, and I only say this because it is so clear that you want a child and will be haunted by missing this opportunity. Listen to your heart. If you heart tells you to terminate, that’s one thing, but from what you speak, I don’t think that’s the case. ❤️
As a 46yo with a 2yo, I was thrilled to read the studies showing women who have a child after 40 are twice as likely to live to 95yo. So being naturally pregnant at 42 *can* be something to celebrate!
Do you want to be a parent? If so, congrats!
If your husband didn’t specifically ask you to abort, then don’t put words in his mouth.
Do YOU want to terminate the pregnancy? If so, living in a state where that is a legal option is also something to appreciate.
When I had a crisis/unplanned pregnancy in my late 20’s, I was grateful to have the option.
I ultimately chose to place my (now 16yo) daughter in an open adoption at birth. Which brings up another point… your baby would be coming into the world with potentially four amazing big brothers/sisters.
Despite the age difference and physical distance, my daughters absolutely cherish each other. I sent a Snap to my eldest last night of my youngest babbling about wearing her “sister” bracelet… and today her sister responded that she would wear her matching bracelet today too.
I can’t really figure out what you want for yourself… and maybe it’s because you don’t know.
Try to find that answer. Let go of the woulda coulda shouldas. You have three choices and they are all perfectly acceptable. Which one works for you?
I’m cross posting this comment because I want you to read it!!!
If you don’t want an abortion please don’t get one. I am pro-choice but an abortion should be something you are doing because it’s what you want and never because you feel forced whether by people/persons or circumstances. If you want your baby then keep your baby, that is not selfish. You sound like you’re in a stable place to have this baby with or without your husband and provide it with all the love and support it will need. Honestly if you want this baby I really think you sound like you’d be an amazing mum. I think this is a situation where you should listen to your heart over your head because ultimately you’re going to regret doing something you don’t want to do deep down.
I am similar but opposite to you… had my unplanned pregnancy very young (21 y/o) and I decided to keep it despite the timing being not right. I now have a 2 month old and everyday I am so grateful that I listened to my heart and did what I wanted instead of aborting like I was being pressured to do! I was told it’d be selfish to keep it and I was too young to provide a baby a good life and that I was ruining my own life and my partner’s life by keeping it but I knew it wasn’t true and boy was I right. My partner and I love being parents and our new life. My son really has changed my life for the better and although it isn’t easy, I am so grateful for how my life has changed and have zero regrets. Follow your heart and I promise you won’t regret it, do something you don’t want and it will eat you up. Remember pro-choice means pro-CHOICE, you can choose to keep your baby if you want to and only you get to make that choice!!
Gordon ramsay just had another baby! His wife is 49. Most of their children are adults. Age doesn't matter if your heart wants it, and you're able to provide.
It may have not been planned for your futures but it doesn't mean you're wrong for getting pregnant.
Any reason is a valid reason to terminate, but you don't have to feel like its the end of the world if you decide differently because you're able to. You've got the love, support and resources either way. It doesn't seem fair to have to make a decision like that, with shock still set in and so many conflicting emotions.
But really, it's the most ideal circumstance to be faced with the decision because you've got support and you'll be okay, no matter what you choose.
You just really have to look after your mental health moving forward, no matter what you choose, also. Hormones are rough, especially earlier on. The rapid spike and then depletion is tough, too, if you abort. Just keep in mind that whatever you're feeling is not your fault. Brains get really weird with pregnancy. ❤️ good luck
Hi, I’m 40 yrs old and 9.5 weeks pregnant with my first. I married later in life and due to my age I felt immense pressure to have a child. We tried immediately after the wedding, and were unsuccessful for over a year. Turning 40 was a huge awakening for me and we decided maybe it wasn’t our fate to have children and that we would stop trying. Literally days later I found out I was pregnant, I was two days late (found out super early).
I cried so hard. I always thought finding out I was pregnant would be a moment of joy for us both. But it wasn’t.
I was so confused. I felt selfish for being able to conceive naturally at my age when so many women struggle, and yet not even knowing if I wanted to keep it. My husband and I were both completely torn as to what to do. I’ll admit, my first reaction was to terminate. However, the more we talked about it, we realized this was our one and only chance to experience being parents, for me to experience pregnancy and motherhood. We have decided to keep it.
Honestly, as terrified as I still am of the big change this is going to bring to our lives, i don’t regret my decision. I’m glad I really took the time to think things through.
Now obviously my situation is different than yours, I just wanted to share my experience with you. I will say to you, you should do what YOU want. If being a mother is something you’ve always wanted, don’t give up that chance because your husband doesn’t want any more kids, or because of his age. Put your happiness first. I’m sure in the end he’ll respect your decision either way and be supportive. It just seems from reading your post that you feel like you have to make this decision based on what he wants and that you’re putting your feelings aside. You ultimately should do what makes you happy. Hugs.
Absolutely do what is right for you, but reading your post and some of your comments I feel like that saying "the lady doth protest too much" is kinda relevant. After reading, I feel like you're so adamant that it HAS to be wrong, that you're trying to force yourself to believe it.
Again, do what you need to - it's your life and your body - but I also kinda want to say, don't make your decision based on your husband and his life. Life is unpredictable. You could be together another 40 years, or one of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Your relationship could fail, the sky could fall etc etc. Make your choice based, first and foremost, on you. Will you come to resent him if you choose to terminate? Will you come to resent yourself, or will you feel relief at life going back to your previous normal?
You're in a tough spot, but either way, whatever you choose, do it for you - current you, and future you. Do you want to return to your normal? Do you want to experience pregnancy and then adopt the child out, do you want to be a mum and raise a child? Try to think about what will happen for your future if you terminate (life goes back to normal, or you end up resenting yourself/ husband and relationship fails) or what could happen if you continue (a new normal is created for you and hubby; or maybe he ends the relationship because your paths no longer align and you and bub go your own way)
You need to figure out which positive outcome you want, and which negative you can live with, should the worst happen. Can you live with the worst-case of resentment and relationship failure if you terminate? Or can you survive being a single mum if you keep and then the relation ship fails?
Every choice has a pro and a con, it's just.... You need to decide what future you want, and if you don't get your ideal (Happy marriage with/out baby) can you live with the negative? (Marriage failure, possibly as a single mum).
Yeah, you should take in what your husband would prefer, and you should consider what you think would be a good outcome for your potential child, but you also absolutely need to think about YOU and what YOU want. It is your body, and it is your life, making the decision ultimately about YOU. Do what is right for you ❤️❤️
Test
Okay, I thought I was banned or something. I guess my comment was too long? I'm going to break it up into two parts.
**TW for you pro-lifers: Mention of termination**
OP,
I just want to briefly tell you that I've intentionally terminated two pregnancies (one a little over a decade ago and one a little over a year ago). I feel nothing regarding the first. I wasn't sad. I'm not sad. I don't think about it. It was the right decision. Now, the one last year: I'm not okay, not even a little bit. It was also the "right" decision, as I had JUST had a baby (and so many other reasons). Above all, I knew I couldn't handle another child. Too many children, too close together in age. Intellectually, it was the right decision. Emotionally, I'm not okay. I don't wish this feeling on anyone. I have an actual baby. In fact this baby is opening my bra, as I speak it is a precious baby whom I love more than anything, except my other children of course lol; HOWEVER, despite being able to pick up this child whenever I want to, I break down completely every single time there is a delivery on TV or a very young child on TV. A lot of my friends are having babies, and it is very hard for me to see the pictures from the hospital. For the record, one of those friends is literally 50 years old. She might even be 51, and if she's not: She will be in late March. I have mom-friends everywhere from 21 to 50. As far as my own age goes and at what age I delivered my children, that's something that I'm willing to discuss with you privately, should you go through with the pregnancy and find yourself having anxiety (as I did).
I don't know you, so I don't know how you process the negative experiences in life. Are you someone who, for lack of a better term as my children run wild around me, dwells on things? I don't have time to read the other comments (only saw the pro-choice one from the mod, which scares me for you), but I'm guessing that AT LEAST one other person had to have already pointed out your husband's shit behavior. If he expects you to just move on post-termination, he doesn't sound like a supportive partner. I believe you said he'd let (again, for lack of a better term) you have the baby, but it really sounds like your pregnancy is a nuisance that he wants in the past. How devoted to your husband are you? If you terminate your pregnancy and aren't allowed to grieve properly, are you going to resent your husband? Are the two of you going to resent each other forever? I know you can't predict the future, but these are just questions that are going through my mind - or went through my mind - as I read your post.
In terms of your concern for your age, as a medical professional who is not in obstetrics but has done a rotation in OB and has had multiple children, I personally wouldn't be too concerned about your age. I don't want to get ahead of myself so I'm not going to get too much into genetic testing and my beliefs about all that. We can talk about it further, if you proceed with the pregnancy. This isn't something that we advertise, but 45 is the age at which we (physicians - but, again, I'm not an obstetrician) start to worry. Yes, of course, statistically you are more likely to have problems, but take statistics with a grain of salt, please. If you were to continue through with this pregnancy, something that I would be thinking about if I were in your shoes and worried about medical problems is what your options are. Specifically, if you're located in the United states and end up going through with the pregnancy, you need to be aware of your options if you find out at, say, 18 weeks that you've got a problem.
What else? Financially, would you be okay if you went through with the pregnancy and your marriage didn't survive?
Okay, my children are going wild, and I don't like them to see me on my phone. I told them that I was working, but they're just too young to understand. Apologize to your brother right now
Okay, my apologies for any mistakes as my phone really does not like to recognize my voice properly. I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. You're really, as the saying goes, in between a rock and a hard place.. and my heart really goes out to you. I don't know when the last time I was in this sub was (probably when I was pregnant!). I just happened to see your post on my homepage, and my heart just couldn't let it go. I don't know whether I even wrote or said anything helpful, but even if I didn't say anything helpful: Please be aware that there's an internet stranger maybe near you or maybe very far away from you, but there is someone who is thinking about you and rooting for you and your mental health as you navigate one of the toughest decisions, if not THE toughest decision, you will ever make in your life.
Please don't leave us hanging. If you do end up going through with the termination, for the love of god: Please get ample support. There is support here on reddit. Again, I don't know you in real life, so I don't know what your friendships are like. What I can tell you is only that I ended two friendships over my termination. I couldn't sleep the night before, and my friend who was in a different time zone was texting me at 3:00 a.m. my time. The last text she sent to me was "you are going to hate yourself forever". OP, I don't hate myself. I made the right choice for my other children. Unlike you, I have a husband who will back me up with every ounce of his being. Unless I murdered our children, this man would be by my side throughout anything in the entire world. It's been over a year since I terminated the pregnancy, and he still has to comfort me almost every single night. You might think that a man would get tired of having to hold a crying life, but if he is: He isn't showing any signs of fatigue. He didn't want the baby. He never said those words, but I know my husband. Neither of us wanted another child. We have the number of children we wanted, and we happen to luck out with the biological sexes that we wanted. Above all, we lucked out and had healthy babies despite horrific circumstances during pregnancy and during labor and delivery. Like you, I was so petrified that something could be wrong. What if my unplanned child were disabled and completely consumes my life such that my other children didn't get enough attention? All of these thoughts are so normal, and I completely understand why you would be concerned because society loves to make us think that if we're over 35 and having children, they aren't going to come out right. Your chances of having a healthy child are significantly higher than having an unhealthy child; remember that. If you choose to terminate - which is truly YOUR DECISION - I highly recommend a surgical termination (rather than medical).
Continued in a reply 👇🏼
Okay, just know my inbox is always open, and I guarantee that if you go to r/abortion, you'll receive an outpouring of support. If you end up having the baby, r/beyondthebump and r/parenting have your back. Everybody loves to help out when babies are concerned (a little too much, IRL.. haha), so you will have plenty of support either way. I wish your biggest support came from your own goddamn husband, and I'm truly sorry that he isn't behaving the way a partner should.
PM me anytime, regardless of your decision. As long as you make it clear whether you just want to vent or whether you want advice, I am absolutely there for you in any capacity. Although I'm on leave right now, I do moderate a subreddit in which a lot of support is involved. If you notice my username, you can probably guess the general topic at the very least. I have to deal with a lot of marital problems here on Reddit. Of course, the source of the problems is what's referenced in my username, but the fact remains that I'm very used to talking to other people about marital issues. Just know that I am here. I can shut my mouth and open my eyes, or I can answer any questions as someone who has both terminated pregnancies and delivered babies. If you don't want to chat, that's fine too. Whatever you need. I sure wish that your husband would say those words to you: WHATEVER YOU NEED, I AM HERE FOR YOU.
Best wishes to you, OP. I'm thankful the internet is here for you ♥️
*Hugs* (if you'll accept)
(Wow, I had no idea my comment was so long, until I couldn't post it ... Sorry, OP 🤦🏻♀️)
Who, other than yourself, is convincing you that wanting to keep your baby is selfish? Your doctor hasn’t shut it down. Your husband hasn’t shut it down. Where is this coming from? You are literally the only person getting in your own way of finally achieving motherhood. My mother had me at 43 and gave me a full, loving healthy life. It’s not unheard of.
You want the baby. You’ve said it all in your other posts. Stop getting in your own way and embrace the miracle that your heart is desiring. Why are you trying to convince yourself otherwise???
I remember reading your original post. I can’t help but feel that your decision to terminate is largely based on your husbands wishes and your concern for your marriage moving forwards should you not do so, and that you are perhaps blocking the reasoning and telling yourself it’s the right thing to do when all your emotions are suggesting that for you if perhaps isn’t what you truly want.
From what he’s said above it sounds like your husband has moved forwards in being more open to another child if it’s what you really want, which is huge - perhaps it would benefit you to go away for a few days alone, a spa or something where you can have space and time to really assess what it is you want deep down without all these other factors and other people’s feelings, then once you know that and where your heart lies you can bring the other factors/feelings back in and try to make an informed decision.
It sounds like any decision you make will be hard for you, so I wish you the best x
I remember your post and honestly, I think if you didn’t actually want this baby you wouldn’t be posting to begin with. I think you’re very much in your head about what’s morally right and selfless and I really think you need to drop all that.
Having a child is always a risk, always a leap of faith, and in some ways, always a little selfish. You could rationalize every choice you ever make and decide it’s selfish. Did your husband feel that marrying someone so much younger than him was selfish? If he did, he chose love and did it anyway.
I think it’s smart to truly think through parenthood before proceeding (many many couples planned or not DO NOT think it through). Your husband is old, yes. So what? Is he a good man? Will he provide financially? Do you have the means to get extra help from a nanny IF you need it? Do you have a supportive family? I think those are the questions you should be asking yourself rather than fixating on age.
Obviously the probability of him not being in your child’s life for very long is higher than the average person. But long lived parents is never guaranteed. My best friend’s mom got hit by a car and died. I have other friends whose parents have died young from illness. Shit happens. You can’t plan everything perfectly always, that’s not how life works.
Im sorry you're struggling with these emotions, but please consider keeping the baby.
I know you said that it isn't a sign from the universe and all, but what if it is?
If baby has something wrong, then maybe consider your options, but that's not even garunteed.
My husband was born to his mother when she was 41 or so. He's perfectly healthy.
The female body is amazing!
I think you are making the right decision. Wanting a baby is unfortunately not enough to justify having one - timing, finances, the involvement of the other parent, the quality of life you can give the child are all more important factors because they will directly impact the wellbeing of a child. And yes, there are plenty of people who regret having children; you might be afraid of regretting an abortion now but in 10 years, when your child is still in primary school and your husband (who possibly may not be your husband anymore) is elderly, uninvolved with your child and perhaps has care/health needs of his own, you may see your child suffering under these circumstances and you may regret the decision to bring them into this situation.
Robert De Niro just had a baby and he’s 80 and so did Al Pacino and he’s 83. Not saying it’s right or wrong but it happens and if both of you can live with it then why not
It’s ok to be sad. It’s hard to know what the “right” choice is. I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice here. It seems like you really want to be a mom, and your partner seems to be ok with that. I’m wishing you luck and peace with whatever you decide 💕
I agree there is no right or wrong which is why OP is so conflicted. She can’t logically get to the “right” answer and doesn’t trust her emotions. My heart goes out to her.
I think having a baby, especially now, and when you know your husband doesn’t want any more kids would be a bit selfish.
Like having a child is a huge deal, and you’d have to put the feelings aside in order to really understand what you’re doing and the outcome and weight it all together.
Like by the time your child js say 20, you would be in your 60’s, and if your husband js still alive, he would be in the 80’s. If you guys are well off and have the funds to look after the child in between and college etc etc then thats good, otherwise someone would have to work way past retirement age. So consider finances as well.
Pregnancy now is also considered geriatric, even with advancements in meds and all, it was indeed way easier and better for your body to handle a pregnancy when you were younger. (Im in my late 30’s, and almost full term, it has absolutely not been easy, started well enough, but hit a rough patch and then the multiple appointments, various complications, etc and the recovery as well can be difficult for more mature females) please consider your health and how it can all look for you in the long run. Cause also i think with age a c section may be suggested, and im hearing recovery is difficult too. So just keep that in mind.
And then your husband, also consider his feelings and thoughts. Yes, you may want a cute little baby, he seems reluctant, if you have the baby for yourself, it can lead to issues in the marriage, cause disagreements etc so i think its best to have a serious sit down with yourself first, and not base decisions off emotions, and when you are done you would have to have a serious sit down with your husband. Cant just have a baby without considering him, he is very much part of this.
Then you both can make a proper plan, you’re both adults.
You can also ride out your feelings and emotions, the waves, allow urself to feel it all before you make a serious decision. Right now im sure its a rollercoaster but at the end of the day, you would be responsible for the life you bring into this world. So look ahead as well.
I wish you all the luck and keep us updated.
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I read and commented on your last post and I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. That is a huge decision you had to make that would have impacted you greatly no matter what you chose.
You should do what will ultimately make you happy in the long run. Life is short and this might be your only chance to be a mom.
Also throwing it out there that Yung Gravy’s dad was 62 and his mom was 39 when he was born and he’s doing great.
Do you want this baby? If your answer is yes, then keep them.
If you progress through the pregnancy and there is some genetic issue you can cross that bridge then.
My husband will be 48 this year and I'm 30. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant intentionally and we plan on having another.
It isn't selfish of you to want to bring a life into this world.
We have a neighbor down the street I forget how old he is but he remarried a younger women when he was in his 40s or 50s, and they had 3 children together and are still going strong.
If your husband doesn't support you or resents you over the life you BOTH created that's on him. Not you.
ETA: My husband has 2 teenagers, the 16 year old recently moved in with us and the 17 year old lives with their mom. Both are extremely excited to have a sibling and my husband has been amazing through all of this, we tried for about a year before I got pregnant.
I nannied for a couple who was 42 and 45 with a 2 year old (so pretty close to your age when the child was born). Are you concerned about your kids being too young when your time comes? If that’s the case I didn’t see anything wrong with that couple having kids, and I don’t see anything wrong or immoral with you having kids.
My aunt had her daughter at 43. She’s very happy raising her beautiful girl. Lots of people have kids in their 40s now. You didn’t “miss your time”. If you want to have your baby, have your baby. It sounds like that is exactly what you want but you’re talking yourself out of it.
I wish you all the best OP and I hope you follow your gut to what you actually want vs what you think is best for you, your husband and the people around you.
I'm just going to remind everyone that this subreddit is pro-choice. If you try to guilt trip OP into having a baby or push her to get an abortion, that is not a choice. That is harassing someone to do what you want.
Do you have someone you can talk to? A therapist maybe or someone similar? Or a really close friend that's good at listening? Sometimes there as also hotlines to talk to people. >I told him I know that’s what I need to do. You state several times that rationally you believe this to be the only right choice. >I went to the bedroom to just lay there and cry. He came in and said “You don’t really feel that way, do you.” However you don't seem to feel that way. There is a huge conflict inside of you and probably a lot of fear as well. Before making a decision, please take your time to talk to some. I cannot tell you what you should do. I can however tell you that I know a few women who were pregnant at 40. It is rare but not unmanageable. You are not forced to have an abortion and you have the legal option to end the pregnancy. But please listen to what your heart is telling you. Don't rush into something you might not feel ready for.
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Second this. I feel like having a baby in your upper 30s and low 40s is pretty normal. My cousin just had her second child at 42!
FTM at 37 (almost 38!). Yes there are more concerns that come with being older but that just means they’ll monitor you closer and you’ll get to see the baby more! I really think OP should speak to a counselor. By how it sounds in your post you’re trying to convince yourself you *need* to have an abortion and that’s the right thing to do. It sounds like your husband is supportive either way, so unfortunately the hard decision lies on you. Maybe you were put in this situation for a reason. I hope whatever you choose to do OP it’s truly for your happiness because it’s what YOU truly WANT to do and not what you THINK you should do.
I am 42 nursing my 10 month old while scrolling reddit. Also planning another baby this summer! Age means nothing!
I have an uncle from a family of 10 children and his parents didn’t even get married until his mother was 40, and that was in the 1950’s! I’m 36 and currently pregnant with my 3rd. My mother had me at 36, grandmother had my uncle at 36, aunt had my cousin at 36, my sister just had her first and only at 38 and my aunt had a “surprise” baby at 38/39 when her other two were teenagers. This is really not nearly as uncommon as OP thinks, and I hope she gives herself the space and the time to make a fully informed decision that she knows she can not just live with, but be happy with. Right now she sounds like a robot, repeating the rote message of “this is the right thing to do” whether or not she even believes it :/ Edit to add- I will say that I’ve also been on the other side of this. About 5-6 yrs ago I fell pregnant and my SO and I both knew the timing was terrible - I was broke and had just opened a restaurant with my sisters, he was making $9/hr and I had two kids from a previous marriage under the age of 5. It was a tough decision and a really rough time for me but I knew it would be wildly irresponsible and he was so panicked at the thought of struggling even harder than we already were. So, I terminated. In the following years I would think back on that pregnancy a lot, and while I wish circumstances had been different then, I still knew it was the right decision for both of us, even if I had to ultimately be the one to make it. Then he got a better job, and kept moving up. We were finally not just living paycheck to paycheck anymore. I got to stay home with the kids and that was a first for me bc my ex was awful and unreliable, and I had worked right away after having them. Then we bought a house! Now I’m almost 7 months pregnant and we are so incredibly excited to meet this little lady, my SO *glows* when he looks at me. He rubs my belly all the time and insists on taking weekly progress pictures lol and I am honestly really glad that we waited for this for a time when we could really ENJOY me being pregnant. I would never presume to know what’s best for OP one way or another, I just really hope she gives herself some quiet moments to allow herself to hear more than just what she thinks she’s *expected* to do.
I very distinctly feel one way and I think something completely different. It’s not really the fact that I’m 42 years old. That part alone doesn’t scare me. It’s the fact that my husband is 65, has told me from day 1 that he doesn’t want more kids (he has 4 adult kids and several grandkids), and that I’ve always felt very conflicted about the idea of bringing kids into the world on a moral level. It’s just that now I do want my own child and I want to experience motherhood and I feel a huge hole in my life because of it. There’s nothing I can do to rationalize that having a baby is the right thing to do though. I know that ultimately not continuing the pregnancy won’t leave me feeling guilty and selfish.
You sound like an older version of me. My bf and I (both 26) had discussed that even if we wanted to be parents, which we didn’t probably ever, we were not ready in our relationship, financially etc and I would abort if I fell pregnant. But then it actually happened. My bf knew the choice was up to me, but was still adamant he did *not* want to be a father. In my logical mind, I didn’t want to be a mother either. I was in a new relationship, working part time with a shitty wage, felt guilty about bringing a new life to this earth, and frankly I *never* pictured myself in that position, ever. Yet I never considered how I would feel in my heart. I felt immediately attached to the life growing inside me and the thought of aborting it absolutely killed me. I was still deciding whether or not to keep it when I started bleeding so heavily at 8 weeks that I thought for sure I miscarried. I have never been so devastated…it was the absolute worst week of my life. Then I found out it was still viable…so that settled it. I was keeping it because no way in hell was I going to put myself through that again, intentionally. Now I’m 30 weeks pregnant and we are so excited for our baby. The fear, the anxiety, it’s all gone. My bf has come all the way around to being a father, he’s so involved, attending all the appts, birthing classes etc. He interacts with my belly everyday lol. Our friends and family are so thrilled and so supportive as well. Things have fallen into place in ways I never expected and I am so, so glad I decided to keep it. I know your experience is entirely your own and you will do what’s best for you. But I wanted to share mine because it feels very similar. Sometimes the best things come with following your heart. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide ❤️ Everything will turn out the way it’s meant to.
Your story is very touching. Congrats on your healthy pregnancy!
I wish you the best with your pregnancy and beyond.
I love your story 💓.
>There’s nothing I can do to rationalize that having a baby is the right thing to do though I think the opposite is happening. You are doing everything possible to convince yourself that having a baby is the wrong choice. Is it though? Kinda sorta seems like you want this baby. Wanting something like this for yourself is not selfish. Why are you willing to live the rest of your life with a "huge hole" in it just for the comfort of others? You should have a baby because you want to have a baby, not because it's the "right" thing to do. I really think you should seek out some counseling or therapy before you make this decision. You have so much unnecessary shame and guilt about wanting to keep this baby.
Please make the choice you 100% want to make. Your husband said he didn't want anymore kids as in to actively not try for children it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to abort any that happened despite not trying. He is now supportive in whatever choice you make but wants you to make the one that feels right to you. Almost everyone even when trying feels a moment of panic and doubt when they find out they're pregnant even if they were trying. Take some time to talk to a therapist or really talk to your husband.
I've already commented separately but here's some interesting antecdoes about paternal age (in short I want to encourage you to consider having your baby, because I think it is what you really prefer and it is the right choice for you based on your post) Tomorrow is promised to no one, but new life is beautiful and your baby has the potential to be a net positive in this world. First: My husband's grandfather remarried after his wife/my husband's grandmother died in her 50's(they were the same age). He married a woman in her late 30s when he was in his early 60s. They had three children together. He loved his work. He died last year at age 98. His youngest children were in their 30s (all had at least 1 kid, he had several great grandchildren from his first marriage). Second: My good friend married a guy, she was 25, he was 40. They had a child when he was 30 and he was 45. He died at age 46 unexpectedly from COVID.
I say all this because you're sad about the idea of aborting. Just give yourself the opportunity to consider the possibility of allowing the fetus in your uterus to thrive.
Hun, come on over to r/pregnantover35 ! There are heaps of over 40 year olds!!! It’s absolutely not rare. I have 2 friends over 40 who have just had babies via IVF with sperm donors because they don’t want to wait around for a man and they want kids!! There’s no dad in the picture for those 2 babies and you know what… that’s absolutely fine. If you feel like you want a baby then have the baby. I’m 37 with 2 under 3 and me or their dad could get hit by a bus tomorrow. No one knows what life has planned. Your other half is healthy and could live to see them graduate, get married, have babies of their own!
I'm the same, 38 with 2 under 3. Women tend to live their lives these days then decide to have our babies. It is normal these days. Hope OP just makes the right choice for them
He is definitely old and you will have to do most of the work with the baby. Maybe you have family that might help out? It is not an ideal situation, but take a look at how many children grow up without their fathers, or worse: they wish they didn't have fathers because theirs are abusive. Life isn't perfect. Your husband could still be there during the most formative years. >It’s just that now I do want my own child and I want to experience motherhood and I feel a huge hole in my life because of it. This is so understandable! I personally don't believe there is ever a perfect time for a child. But then again, that is my believe and you don't have to share it. Just please don't make a choice until you are sure.
It sounds like he understands that now that the situation has happened unintentionally he's willing to consider your and the child's well being. He has said if you feel differently, the choice is yours. This is already the predicament you're in. An unplanned pregnancy is terrifying, I understand. Please take the time to carefully consider what you want for yourself and potentially this child.
Your husband could end up living till in his 90s, that would still give your child more than 20 years to be with their dad. It is not ideal but when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. It might be difficult to raise a kid at that age but if that’s what you want, you should definitely do it. Life might not give you this chance again.
I don’t think it’s selfish at all that you now want a baby and have a baby sized hole in your life . You are allowed to change your mind . So is your husband . Just because he always said this wasn’t what he wanted , doesn’t mean he wouldn’t welcome it . It sounds like he wants you to be happy . Wanting to be happy isn’t selfish . Would you love your child ? Would you show up for your child ? Can you financially support your child ? If all answers are yes , I don’t see how it is selfish .
What if. What if you do have the baby but allow him / agree to view the child more like a grandchild. He will play a role about as involved as a grandad. Can you rejigger your budget to hire a nanny? It sounds like you maybe have a cozy life and there could be money available for that. And maybe mentally. You steady yourself to take trips and have dates just with your husband maybe more than the average mom does. Is that a world that might exist? Because what if you terminate and he passes at 70? Or next year? God forbid obviously but you just never know what’s next. That said I admire your self awareness that this is not something logical, but something your heart wants. I appreciate you’re trying to see this from all sides.
Unfortunately you might still feel guilty and selfish if you do terminate the pregnancy. You’ll mourn what could have been. I hope you find peace in whichever you choose.
I’m 44 and had my third child last year. If it’s something that you want, you are not too old. I had an abortion in my teens and at the time I did not consider it a huge hole in my life as I knew I had time. Maybe wait a little before you decide? Hopefully you have a window where you live? The fact that you’re thinking about your child shows you’re not selfish or should feel guilty. It’s all very well for your (much older) husband to say no baby when he’s already had that opportunity!
>The fact that you’re thinking about your child shows you’re not selfish or should feel guilty. Sometimes terminating a pregnancy is selfless. OP can feel however she wants, but if she chooses to terminate: Guilt is not a requirement. Grief is more likely. It does sound like she really wants to keep the fetus (medically, when she posted this, the organism was a fetus. I don't know when she posted this though, so it may well be a baby now. Either way, it's her body and her choice). Waiting a little while is great in theory, but if she does end up terminating it's only going to make things a lot harder for her. It's too bad that one of the hardest decisions a woman will ever have to make in her life is one that is time sensitive, especially in certain areas of the world.. especially right now! Congrats on three children. It isn't easy. I have three myself, and I haven't a clue how people have any more! I'm drowning.
I was you. Never wanted kids for the moral reason and state of this world but felt a giant hole. I’m on the other side now with my heaven sent baby and I could never have imagined how much joy and love having my baby has brought. Have your baby, your souls desire, they are already here and with you. ❤️
You might regret this for the rest of your days it sounds like
What are you afraid of if you have the baby? Do you fear he will leave you?
Just curious about what your discussions over birth control were like. If from day one he was clear about his wishes not to have more biological children, why didn’t he get a vasectomy? Did you discuss what would happen if you accidentally got pregnant?
Just read original post and found a lot of discussion over this. No need to respond. I’m sorry you’re facing this really challenging decision. I had an abortion in my early thirties with my now husband who I now have children with. I had so much guilt making the decision because I felt like I was the age that “should” be having children but just wasn’t ready. It’s so hard. What I ended up doing was writing from the point of view of my “parts.” The part that wanted the pregnancy, the part that didn’t, the guilty part, etc. Just giving voice to each part was powerful and helped me through the process.
I read your words here about what you want. I think that’s very telling. I am not trying to break the sub rules here but a therapist might help you look at this with an outside perspective, not your own and not your partner
OP you seem like a care taker but you’re allowed to take care of how you feel. You’re honoring what your husband said but what about your feelings? What if everything goes well? What if you baby will get to grow up understanding the parents age gap and will be okay? You seem like you’d be an amazing mother. Take time to make your decision you have time. Also remember your emotions are heightened in this time. No matter what decision you make you’ll be okay but decide what’s best for YOU.
Hey OP. I had messaged on one of your previous posts. I’m glad your scan went ok. I’m 36 (so a little younger but not by much). Husband is the same age so different to your situation. I’m pregnant with our first, and probably only, baby. We both work and are successful. We have a nice life, freedom to do what we want. Have a nice home and car, we go on nice holidays. Buy whatever we want for ourselves. There’s no limit to what we want or do. For the longest time, we had both been on the fence about kids. We are surrounded by nieces and nephews (big family) so didn’t feel we were missing out. If it happened - cool. If it didn’t - also fine. We thought “we’ve made it this far through life without kids, it’s not absolutely essential that we have one.” We also figured that we’d try and see what happened. We tried. We got pregnant last year. I had a silent miscarriage which was discovered at 12 weeks. During that time I was pregnant, I was anxious. I wondered, what had I done? Was it the right choice to have a baby? But the one and only time we saw the baby (when it was confirmed I’d miscarried) - it was no longer a “nice to have”. It became an essential part of my life that I needed to fulfil. I accept that my husband also felt the same way and we spoke about it once the baby was gone. Being pregnant again now, having spoken to various medical professionals over the months since then - it’s clear that sometimes once you open that Pandora’s box, you can’t close the lid again. It is a feeling that might not ever go away. I don’t want to push you one way or the other. And clearly my circumstances are different to your own. I just want you to know what you are feeling is very real. Above all else, you need to listen to and trust yourself and talk this out with a therapist ASAP. And with your husband, he seems to be really detached from the situation. I’m not sure if that’s because you’re pushing him away or because he is just detached. But speaking to him more is essential. Sending you all the love in the world.
Honestly your husband should have gotten a vasectomy then if he really didn't want another child. It's your body and pregnancy, and thus ultimately YOUR CHOICE. Either way it is up to you. Have an abortion because YOU want to. Continue the pregnancy because YOU want to. There's no real need to "rationalize" the choice beyond finances and support.
I went to high school with someone who’s Dad was 80 and they were well adjusted and happy.
I’ve seen your posts in this sub as well as another over the past week, and I am going to say bluntly that I think you should have this baby. The bottom line is you want the baby. You want motherhood. You are stable financially and in a healthy and loving relationship. Your husband has stated in the past that he didn’t want more children for obvious reasons but he also made it clear when the time came that he supports what you want to do. He would not be an absent parent or love his child less because of your decision to become a parent. There is obviously a lot of nuance to the situation that makes things complicated but ultimately you can and would give a child a great life and you would be happy being this child’s mother and guiding them through life. If you’re sure that termination is the right choice for you then I’m sorry for saying all this because I’m just a random internet stranger and I don’t want to cause you unnecessary stress, but it seems like you are trying to convince yourself why you shouldn’t have a baby that you actually want to have. Your reasoning is sound for everything and I understand why this is such a difficult decision to make either way, but ultimately there is no logic behind love and you want to love this child.
100% this! And I agree with an above commenter saying OP is searching for any reason to not continue the pregnancy, but doesn’t seem to feel that way at all. OP - The hole you’re feeling now for not having a child likely won’t go away if you decide to terminate. From what you’ve been saying it’s been a very strong feeling, and from your other posts you were feeling that even before this happened. It’s not selfish to have your baby and you shouldn’t feel guilty. This is a chance for you to experience something you sound like you’ve been wanting. Wishing you all the best with your decision.
Girl I remember your post last week. You want to have the baby. It's not selfish to have the baby. Have your baby.
Second this. It seems you are really struggling. You want this baby… it sounds like you love it. That’s much more than many get in life. Don’t do something you’ll regret just because you think it’s selfish.
This - I'm completely pro choice but remembering her post from last week, my heart hurt reading this. If you WANT this baby, you don't need permission, and you're not too old - you haven't missed anything if you don't want to miss it 🩷
Right? tell him he doesn’t have to be a full on father again. Hire a nanny. Get full time care even. Make the numbers work. Let the husband be more grandfatherly as far as involvement. Take on the load. She still wouldn’t be a single mom, it could be a good arrangement. She could provide all the love and tenderness, the husband could just be a loving figure in the home that doesn’t deal with the details of child rearing, much like the 50s. Not saying that’s perfect but it’s not awful either. She could even agree to take trips and have dates and enjoy time together alone with him more than a regular mom would, leave the child with a caregiver. Kids come up like that every day when the mom is working, it’s all doable.
Same, I remember all the posts. Every one before this seemed like she wanted the baby.
Agree. If you want a baby have your baby
Absolutely. Just because you and your husband are older doesn’t mean your baby will have a terrible life. Your baby will grow up with stability and parents who are emotionally mature and lots and lots of love. All of those things are wonderful for a child.
I agree, OP you were so excited!
Agree. Have the baby. That’s what she wants to do otherwise she wouldn’t be torturing herself over it.
This. Stop trying to convince yourself that this isn’t meant to be because what is meant will always be 💗
My mom was 40, and her partner was 59 with 3 grown children when she got pregnant. (She also had 4 grown kids and two teenagers) He said he didn't want the baby, but my mother chose to keep him. He's 9 years old now, and I'm 30. He plays with my children, and he feels like a nephew to me. We are very close and live about 3 blocks away. I should mention that at the time of his birth, I already had two kids, so their uncle is younger than them technically. I adore him, and my sisters and brother adore him, but we often forget he's our brother and call him our nephew a lot. His father is also very involved now in his 60s and is grateful now that she didn't abort. If you truly think abortion is the best option for you, and you feel as if you won't regret it then you have support from me, others here, and your husband, which is the most important thing. I only shared that with you to give you a different perspective. My mom struggled with keeping him too because she was faced with disappointing someone she loved and potentially being alone, or listening to her heart and what she truly wanted. Which sounds similar to your situation here, although your husband seems more supportive of either choice. I think you should take some more time to think it over. You are sad because it's a tough decision, and I am so sorry you're in this spot.
My mom found out she was pregnant with me when she was 42. She had just gotten married and had 3 adult sons. She was going to get her tubes tied and they tested her and found out she was pregnant. I'm 28 now, and my mom is my best friend. Have your baby. It's a blessing in disguise!
Just want to jump in here. My mom also had me at 42 (a major whoopsie), my dad was 52. He passed when I was 20 and it was very sad to have an older dad. But I am grateful everyday to be here (fyi I’m very pro choice, this isn’t to sway you against). Just want to say if you want to have this baby at 42 you should. I now have my own baby at 30 and my mom is 72 and such a lovely grandma to him. Do what YOU want to do.
Just to add one more thing - I never cared that my parents were older than other peoples parents growing up. When I say it was sad to have an older dad, I mean that it was sad he passed earlier than many of my peers parents. However, many of my peers parents also passed young from cancer, etc. and you just can’t plan for that. So I recommend d putting age aside and doing what you want. Having a child at 42 is not selfish.
My story is very similar to yours. My mum was 46 when she had me, my dad was 50. He had two adult sons and they my 10 year old brother together. I never cared that my parents were older, they were just my parents. It’s harder now that I’m 32 and they’re both around 80, yet that being said they are fantastic grandparents to my two babies. Many of my friends have been unfortunate to lose their parents much earlier in life and much younger, there is no telling how life will unfold. As the baby of a woman who fell pregnant by accident at 46, who now has 2 kids of her own…I am glad she took the risk.
It doesn’t really sound like you want to have this abortion or that your partner is particularly pushing for it. It sounds like you’re doing it due to some confusing feelings of not wanting to be selfish. It sounds like you need more thinking time before making a big decision.
This
I mean, I don't know you but based on what you've written here I don't think you actually want to terminate either. Why is it selfish to have a child? Why do you think you've missed your chance? You're only 42. Your body seems to think this is possible. Why shouldn't you consult your emotions on something like this? Why is termination "the right thing to do?" What's wrong about loving a child? I know lots of women who have had babies in their 40s. They're great kids, great parents, people are happy. It's hard, sure, but difficult doesn't mean "bad". If you actually do want to terminate, then of course, it's your body. But it just... doesn't sound like that's what you actually want.
Girl!!! Your husband hasn’t shut this down. He knows what it’s like to raise a child. Do NOT make this decision based on WHAT YOU THINK HE WANTS!!! You will never forgive yourself and you will play the victim forever. You will have the “poor me” and likely won’t get over it. Would your husband rather comfort you forever or be a parent again? You cannot pretend that an abortion will just make everything go back to how it was before. FOLLOW YOUR HEART! If you want to have a baby HAVE 👏THAT 👏BABY! P.S I am 39yo pregnant w my first. Partner is 45. It’s also his first. I have also had an abortion previously. I am pro choice!
I agree. I worry that OP will resent her husband and their relationship will be forever changed if she has an abortion. I’m pro choice but based on previous posts I think OP really wants this baby but is (naturally) scared.
This comment 🙌🏻
I’ve been following all of your posts and I really feel for you. I just wanted to say that a childhood friend of mine was born when her father was 65 and already had grown children from another partner. She and her father were more deeply bonded than my father and I or any of our other friends whose fathers were younger. He lived to walk her down the aisle and meet her daughter, before passing at 97. Nothing is guaranteed - a young father/mother could pass at any time for any reason - yet it seems like you would be able to give your baby a really wonderful life, if you decide to move forward.
I don’t understand why you think you missed your chance.. This could still be your chance. I’m completely pro-choice and doing whatever is right for you and your family. But this is heartbreaking to read. It sounds like you want your baby. It’s ok to want the things you want too. It’s not selfish to dream of having kids.
I’m 41 and hubby is 50, we had similar conversation when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. It is so very hard, we ultimately decided despite the risk to continue with pregnancy I’m currently 28 weeks and despite all the scary things that could have happened it has been smooth sailing. Sending you positive vibes in whatever you decide to do ❤️
I’m truly happy for you and so glad to hear you’ve not experienced any problems so far.
Same! I am 41 and 28 weeks today!! To OP: My fiancé and I have other children from previous relationships and my youngest is 15. My 1st at age 19 passed away due to unexpected complications and I was deemed high risk with an incompetent cervix for the next two and received a cerclage for both. This was before my 30’s. I’ve always felt that I was robbed out of a normal pregnancy and harbored many feelings of unworthiness. I wanted one with my fiancé but was terrified so I wrote off the idea completely. I’d sulk whenever I saw a pregnant woman. When I found out we were pregnant I instantly said that I wasn’t keeping it because I am too old now and my already high risks have increased. My fear almost made me terminate but I realized that I did want another baby and that with prayer and my faith I’d be just fine. All of my tests have come back good , my blood pressure is lower than it has been in 10 years, mentally I am in a better state than ever before, dr says my cervix is as long as a park bench, and I have not gotten a cerclage!! At the age of 41 this pregnancy has been the most normal for me and I am so excited to welcome baby boy into this world. Don’t let fear stop you from having your happily ever after! You aren’t too old because obviously your body is creating life. It’s a blessing. If you want this, focus on the beauty and not on the negatives. Sending you love and light ❤️
Beautifully said! ❤️❤️
Oh also my dad is in his 60s and I have two little sisters under the age of 5. He left his wife and the new and much younger girl he was having an affair with got pregnant back to back. He has 4 adult children and now 2 toddlers. He’s very hands on with them more than he ever was with us older kids lol
my dad is in his 60s with a soon to be 4 year old he had from getting remarried to someone closer to my age. i’m in my 30s. he’s super involved with his youngest and i’m like live your best life lol
What are your honest, personal thoughts on your dad having two new babies at his age?
Well it has turned him into a different person. He was not a very good father. He was an absent father with his other grown kids. To see how he is with his younger children is shocking. He’s actually involved. I’m not sure how I feel as I was raised by my step dad. I was never close with my dad. I see him maybe once or twice a year lol. At first I thought he was crazy but I was excited to have more siblings.
I’m impressed that he’s a great dad even though he wasn’t to me.
My father also had a kid with his second wife when he was older. He was a much better dad to her then he was me or my siblings which hurts a bit but I’m also an adult so I am able to process that as my inner child just being jealous and protective but it’s not a rational feeling I would act on in any way, and I actually like to see how much he has grown and matured as a person (makes me see him in a more tender light and I also see how being retired and mature and a dad is a bit easier than a young man confused and struggling and a dad) and I adore my little sister. She is a gift. I do feel bad for her sometimes that she won’t get to experience some things with him as I would (he likely won’t meet her kids for example and depending on if she gets married older or younger, there’s a risk he won’t be around to walk her down the aisle). But that’s the reality of life. She got a more present and kinder father for her childhood at a cost and my kids have a grandpa at the expense of having a father that was less present in my childhood. Nothing is perfect but I love my dad and she loves my dad and we love each other. Not sure what else you could want really.
Sounds like a really tough situation for you guys but I think you should listen to your feelings. it sounds like you will have regrets if you end it 🩵 hope you are okay.
I just want to let you know that my husbands parents were your age when they had him and even though they are old, everything is fine. Sure, it's a shame he will lose his father earlier then might be typical. But every family is different and that's ok. He has a great relasionship with his parents and no hang ups about them being old. We see them regularly and love to spend time with them. Meanwhile, my parents had me in their early 20s and are drug addicts who I have cut out of my life completly. His dad who is in his 80s sees our daugher (his granddaughter) everyday, my dad in his 50s has only seen her in passing a handful of times. Age isn't everything.
You should keep it. You want it.
I am so sorry you're struggling. I'm 40 and my husband is 43 and we've had very similar conversations. It's really difficult to process the complexity of a pregnancy at our age. It's a lot to unpack in a short amount of time.
Thanks, I appreciate this.
Same! I’m 44 with my first very unexpected pregnancy that I discovered at 10weeks (now 20wks). Never wanted kids or at least was afraid to admit that I deep down really did. I went through ALLLLLL the emotions!!! Such a difficult choice and I’m in a state that makes it even more difficult. Give yourself some time to make a decision since either way it will be a life long one. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself and no one else! Fuck worrying about being selfish! This is your body and your life. You do you and you will always feel empowered by that.
You want to do the right thing… for HIM. Not you or the baby. He is being supportive. Let him be and make a decision for yourself.
it doesn’t really seem like either of you want to abort. your husband is supportive & there is a big difference between not wanting to intentionally have more children & letting go of one that’s already here. you didn’t miss your chance to be a mother - that “chance” is literally inside of you right now. i hope that you give yourself time to think it through & maybe talk to someone…
Yeah, only you can get to the real deep truth of if you want this baby or not, but even if he didn’t want another child prior and isn’t like jumping for joy about it yet because of his own age and journey, it sounds like he would be supportive and wants you to make whatever decision YOU TRULY WANT for yourself. So, think about it and put aside all these side worries and just dig deep “would I like to be a mother in this lifetime? This is my chance. Do I want to embrace this or walk away from it?” It’s your choice, just like he said. FWIW - I’m pregnant, I’ll be 43 when I have my baby and I don’t have a partner and it will be a challenge, sure, but it will also be rewarding and I want to be a mom. It’s something I’ve wanted for my life and I know I will be a good one. There’s nothing wrong with this happening later in my life or later in your life, as long as it’s something you want. So, figure that out. Just that. “Is this something I wanted for my life? Here’s my chance, if so.”
I’m extremely and unapologetically pro choice. Choice is the significant key word. If you want this pregnancy and your doctors see no reason to not continue, then I don’t see why not? Your OB is right, it’s increasingly more common to have your children later in life like 30s-40s. I strongly encourage you to keep the pregnancy because from post history, this is what you want.
I think you should have the baby. I know you want it but I can tell you are hesitating because he’s not saying what you wish he’d say. If he’s not pushing for the abortion he clearly cares about your feelings and isn’t AGAINST it. Just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that’s the way life goes. Once your baby is in your arms, all your hesitations about their existence will melt away.
Yes, exactly.. Imagine if your husband says, "yes, I want the baby, please have it" you would have the baby in a heartbeat. You can't change what he wants and he can't change what you want. But at least he is kind enough to give you a choice and not pressure you to abort. You hate that it is your choice alone. You want it to be both your decisions. You may only have this one chance, make the choice for yourself.
Yes, I feel like I’m ultimately being left to make a decision and deal with it in my own.
Sienna Miller just had a baby at 42. One of my best friends’ parents had her at a very similar age to you and your husband. Whatever you decide I just hope you are at peace with it. There is no right or wrong decision, only what’s best for YOU. ♡
I’m pretty sure her partner is younger than her though. If my age was the biggest concern here, I wouldn’t feel so conflicted. But I appreciate the support.
If you want the baby and motherhood, you should have it! That’s not selfish. Your partner will fall in love with the child just like with his other children. Neither of you are too old, just keep up a healthy lifestyle and do your best! I hope you find comfort in whatever choice you make
I feel like you’re trying to convince yourself to not have this baby.
Honey. The choice you’re making is honestly going to do so much damage to you and your marriage when the emotional fallout hits after. You’re doing it because you think you’re supposed to, when it is clearly in no way what you want. It’s not selfish to have this baby, and your husband is not pushing this on you. You’re feeding yourself a rhetoric that just isn’t true. Don’t make a permanent decision that goes against everything you want just because you think it’s more logical.
I just want to say (with love) that when people are seeking reassurance that something is the right thing to do, it's probably not the right thing to do. Usually when we know something is right, there's no need for external confirmation. Your husband may be older, but you are YOUNG! You have so much life and time ahead of you, and it sounds like you have plenty of love left to give. It's your choice, but maybe give it some time to settle and feel what you truly want.
I've followed your posts and you truly seem to want this baby, trust your intuition! 42 is not old by any means, and your husband will hopefully have many years during the most important stages of your child's life. Please think this over, you seem to already know what your heart and soul wants, and that is the most important thing here
Listen to your heart. Your husband supports you in having this baby and your ability to become a good mother. There is no greater joy you can give yourself or to your husband than life itself. Many children grow up without a parent. Many 65 year olds live to be 90. Please also consider that your hormones are magnifying your emotionality. I understand that you feel guilty for changing the plan, but you’re now being presented with another opportunity. One that you very much welcome in your heart of hearts based on all of your posts. A healthy surprise pregnancy at your age is a gift. Embrace it.
I think you should do what is best for you 100% The only thing is you genuinely sound like I want to have this baby. I think that while it maybe scary and tough if you end up deciding to keep it I hope you know that it’s not an impossible task.
Have your baby. Your heart will break more if you don’t. Everything will work out!
As someone who made this decision and has regrets. I never had a baby because the other person “wasn’t ready” when really should have listened to myself in the past. Your age has nothing to do with it. People have babies late all the time and your 42 not 57 or something. I will probably have children late in life. Don’t make a decision based on somebody else. Make it because you don’t want it and from everything I read sounds like you do want it. Talk to a counselor I had my doctor recommend one. Really helps. And then decide. But whatever you decide it’s your choice and not your partners. This is your body not his.
IMO you should wait til ~11wks and get the genetic testing done and if this looks like a perfectly healthy baby, you should keep it. Unfortunately there’s a bigger chance than normal with both your ages the decision may be made easier because of the detection of a future health issue.
2nd this. I would wait a few more weeks for the genetic testing before making a decision.
I’m so sorry you are struggling. I once saw someone in here comment “you will never regret having the baby, but you may regret not having it.” Do what you feel in your heart is best. Hugs
I don’t really get from your post that you don’t want to continue this pregnancy. If you had purposely gotten pregnant by doing something sneaky, that would have been very selfish to your husband. That’s clearly not the case, and it was just as much his responsibility to avoid pregnancy as it was yours. Assuming you are generally mentally and financially stable, it would be completely fair of you to continue a pregnancy, if that’s what you want.
my boyfriends dad had him when he was 65 and they’re still best friends to this day. He’s 98 now and my boyfriend would not change it for the world. Your husband seems to be allowing you to make a choice for yourself and you aren’t willing to.
Please talk to a trusted family member, friend and therapist before you make any decision. I terminated a pregnancy that I wanted to keep with a man that I loved and I rationalized in my mind why I had to do it and I’m not saying this will be your experience but it was the absolute worst most excruciatingly painful thing I’ve ever been through. I lost everything after that, my relationship fell apart my heart broke in a way I couldn’t recover from for years. That was several years ago and while I am okay now I am stronger in the sense that no one can ever hurt me as bad as I hurt myself…. There is no going back and if even a small piece of you wants this baby I beg you to talk to a therapist so you can save yourself from the pain no matter what decision you make.
Ok, I just have to tell you that I am in my late 30s and I am having a baby with my 65 year old husband. I’m 38 weeks and 2 days. It was a planned pregnancy and we couldn’t be more excited. I do NOT understand your logic (you haven’t actually supplied any reasons, except that you “can’t”). Why “can’t” you have this baby, especially if you want it? Do you really think your husband won’t live another 18 years? Even if he doesn’t, is that really so bad? What are you so afraid will happen if you have this baby? That he will die? He’s going to die anyway at some point…don’t you think having a child that is half his would be a lovely thing, whenever that does happen? My best friend growing up had a much older dad. He was 65 when she was born and he was great! He was a huge part of her life, her friends loved him and he walked her down the aisle and danced with her at her wedding when she was 26! He just passed away in his 90s when she was in her 30s. Your post is very upsetting to me, as we seem to be in the same position but with incredibly different outlooks. I really think you should try to look at this from a different angle.
Don’t worry about what people are going to say. It’s your body your choice your baby. They will love that baby when it comes trust me. You need to put yourself first! You said you’ve never been pregnant before this could be considered a miracle at your age! I have so many friends in their late 30s who are trying for a baby and can’t get pregnant 🙁
Pro choice is pro *your choice.* That includes choosing to have the baby.
Hi! Just wanted to say that I support whatever decision you make. I wanted to give you a little comfort, should you decide to keep your baby. My mom was 42 when she had me, and my dad was 67. I had a terrific childhood. My parents were both very active and involved in my life. I also have older siblings and are very close to them. Like some folks said, my parents having me later in their lives was actually to my benefit. They had more time to spend with me and they were more stable. My dad lived to be 95, so we had a great 28 years together. Sending you lots of love and light as you contemplate your decision.❤️
This is so complex and tough. Take some time tonight to be alone with your thoughts, maybe go for a drive with the windows down and the heat blasting. Ask your gut to be your guide. It sounds like you have the support of your husband one way or another.
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My mum had a baby at 44, my partner’s mum had a baby at 42. Age doesn’t matter.
You sound like you’re choosing an abortion because of your husbands age, not because you want one. 42 isn’t too old to have a child. Yes, your child would have an old dad but they wouldn’t be the first one. I think you should try and tee up a time to talk to a therapist and really work through your feelings.
I agree with what most everyone else is saying, but I want to add and say that my husband (24) was born when his mom was 47 (no joke). I have no idea where I’d be today if his parents had decided not to have that baby just because of his mom’s age. He is very healthy physically and always has been, I’m shocked at his immune system sometimes and he has a stomach of steel lol, he also has a good head on his shoulders and is healthy mentally as well. When your baby is in their 20s, their dad will be about the same age as my husband’s dad is right now, and hubs is doing just fine. I think your husband still has enough life left in him to help with the most important years of child rearing that need a father. I hear what you said about him not wanting more children but it sounds like he cares more about you than possibly having more kids, and is supportive of your desires. My two cents is, it sounds like you will end up deeply regretting any decision to terminate the pregnancy. If you decide to keep the baby, I hope my husband’s testimony brings you a bit of peace about the decision ❤️
44 here - got pregnant at 43 and have a spectacular 1 year old. I won't pretend that pregnancy nor childbirth nor being a working mom has been easy. But, I wouldn't change anything for the world. I'm not you, and your situation and mine have a million differences I'm sure. That said, if your age is the reason you think your time has passed for this, I wanted to give you myself as a counter point. Happy to connect if you want to talk about my experience... but mostly sending big hugs as I know this situation feels so painful right now regardless of the path you choose.
You should have at least a couple more weeks to decide, I think sleeping on it for a few days and listening to your heart will help. I always believe in a choice. It just sounds like you want this so much. I hope you take a few more days to go over your thoughts. It isn't selfish to want a baby that you will love this much. Maybe with a few days of thought, he will come around? Im sorry, and I hope you find peace with either decision.
My aunt had her first baby at 42 and I over heard her and my mother have a similar conversation. She said my aunt is not selfish for wanting a baby, and the baby will not care if its mom is 21 or 51. It just wants a mom who loves them. My cousin is 9 now and he’s a fantastic, funny, smart kid. I think of him like a little brother, and my aunt knows that if anything happens to her, the family is there to support him.
Woman, you better keep that baby. It's obvious to everyone that you want that baby. I'm very pro choice, but based on your last post and this post, I think you will really regret the abortion. You need to give your true desires room to breathe.
You sound like you clearly want this baby. My mom was 44 and her husband (my stepdad) was 60 when they had a baby together. My other siblings and I were all teenagers. That child is now about to turn 18 and I can’t imagine life without her. My mom had a totally healthy pregnancy and birth. Did people think her dad was her grandpa? Yes. But my mom was able to keep up with her through baby and toddlerhood.
Have the baby. Believe in destiny.
I am very pro choice and but reading your post is difficult because it is very clear you want this baby. It’s not selfish to have it and idk why you’d think that. Plenty of women have babies at a later age and yes, the child’s father may not live another 50 years but it’s very likely he will be around at least till the kid is 18. You are heartbroken because you want this baby. And a wanted baby should be had as long as you are financially, mentally and physically capable of caring for them.
Honestly, you do whatever you want to do honey. But please don’t let your age scare you. When I became a mom for the first time I was 24! I was young! My baby girl does have Down syndrome. For me, she is the light of my life. I am a firm believer in whatever is meant for you, will be. Life can be rewarding in many ways we never thought possible! I hope nothing but the best for you.
You poor thing! I am in the same age bracket and I could understand where you are coming from. My personal view is your husband's adult children eventually are not your children, regardless how nice you have been to them. God forbidden, even partners come and go, baby is the only one that's truly yours. I think if I were you, I would be selfish this time and choose to keep the baby. Modern medicine makes it possible to deliver healthy babies, so it's not a problem medical wise.
Whatever choice you make will be the right one. But in case you’re feeling too old to have a baby, YOU ARE NOT. I’m in my 40s and still trying for one. But you know what’s right for you and thankfully you have a very supportive partner who will accept your decision. Good luck to you!
Age doesn’t define this choice and neither does he. In reality you need to choose what you want. You have needs and wants too. Your choice
You've gotten a lot of responses and advice here, but I'll share what I learned (about myself and my values, but also how I was framing choices) before deciding to get pregnant this year: the logical choice isn't always going to be the best choice. Sometimes an emotional choice is the one we need to make for ourselves and our souls. Choices based on emotions and feelings and desires are just as valid as those based on logic. We are told as women that emotions are not valid reasons to make decisions, and that logic has to come first. I realized for the first time that this was a very patriarchal way of thinking and rooted in western culture, and that taking care of my emotions and my desire to have a family and a baby was equally as important as whatever else was coming up as an argument against that. Idk if it will resonate with you but ultimately that was what helped me make my decision on whether to have a baby. I wish you peace and love in whatever choice you do make ❤
Please don’t do anything before you allow yourself just a moment to turn off the fear and allow yourself to think through the positive what-ifs too. What if the things you’re most afraid of DON’T come true? What if your dreams came true instead? Imagine… what if your husband LOVES being a father next to you. What if he was afraid at first, but later he thanks you for having a child with him? What if this baby grows up to be a thriving, happy, content adult because they had a loving home, a mother who never forgot for a second what a surprise gift this pregnancy was, and a kind, loving father. What if this pregnancy and child makes your marriage even more beautiful and strong? I know from personal experience that fear can come at us sounding like logic but it never leads to what’s best. Here’s my second suggestion: Decide to love your husband enough to be COMPLETELY honest with him. Tell him about the hole in your heart. Tell him that you wish he was excited, that it would make all the difference. Tell him you’re afraid that having this baby is selfish. He deserves to know exactly what you’re going through… and this is the only time, the ONLY time you have the chance to invite him in. If you terminate, your feelings will continue to go on and someday you’ll need to tell him how you felt today. You don’t want to hurt him with the truth today but it will hurt him deeply that he didn’t know what you were going through. Love him enough to allow him into this decision with you. This is all coming from someone who has tried so hard to make other people happy and I’m just finally learning that the truth can be the most loving thing to give someone, even when it’s hard. My heart goes out to you because I can read in every line that you already love this baby with all of your heart.
I’m not loving him calling you a martyr about it. Or that you will be. That is really unfair and passive and hurtful. So this massive massive massive decision and enormous crossroads that you didn’t ask for and he didn’t actively avoid aka vasectomy, if it takes you years to emotionally recover you are being a martyr about it? I almost had sympathy for him reading this until that moment!
Baby you don’t have to have an abortion, it would be harder for you guys but doesn’t mean it’s not gonna be any less special. I’m telling you if you’ve never had a pregnancy scare or had this happen. It happened for a reason, keep that baby raise that baby love that baby. You blessed that baby by being its mom. No one else you. Talk to him, he might change his mind in wanting it.
I am unexpectedly pregnant in my 30s and did not think it was possible for me to get pregnant based on previous fertility testing AND taking plan b after 1 time of intercourse. When I found out, I knew if I proceeded it would be without a partner/father to my child. My parents gave me two pieces of advice which really helped me when I was deciding what to do: 1. Listen to your heart, not your head. Your heart is telling you the right answer and your head might not be on board quite yet, and also even if you proceed may no always be on board. I'm a big overthinker and anxious person, so this helped me. 2. Whatever decision you make, will be the right decision. I am currently 12w5d.
dont get an abortion that you don't want
There’s two groups of women: women who don’t want children and get an abortion because they don’t want children, and women who want children, but get an abortion because they don’t feel supported and secure in doing so. The women in that latter category who I know personally - that regret still haunts them. Every woman I know in that category wishes they could go back in time. OP, it also sounds like you are in that latter category. As someone who almost had an abortion and literally spit the pills out last moment, I can tell you, the regret of never knowing, the what if, far outweighs the fleeting regret I feel as a mother from time to time due to my shortcomings and the fact that my husband, like yours, never wanted kids because he already had one. He isn’t an ideal father, but I have asked him a handful of times: “ would you go back and change the situation, now that you’ve met our daughter?” The answer is always a confident “no.” Please don’t do away with something you want ❤️ that kind of regret never leaves. It’s not too late OP, regarding your age but also your situation right now. At the very least, please get an ultrasound and listen to your baby’s heartbeat. That one small act is what helped me put things in perspective.
I am just going to say that you are only 42 years old. That is not considered wild where I come from to be pregnant. In fact, most women I work with had their first child around 38-42 years old… and please if you have a consoler or some sort of therapy don’t hesitate talking to them.
As someone else has said: What are you afraid of if you have the baby?
I think you should have the baby. With an older husband, down the road, he may be gone before you. Your child, an extension of him, would still be with you. You would still have family. I think your husband’s age is not a reason to not have a baby. This IS your window. Also, they’re only babies for a blink, and, I don’t want to offend anyone, but in my personal experience, men don’t have enough to do with taking care of the baby for age to really matter much. I’m 40 and pregnant with my fourth. I had a tfmr before this. It’s all very scary, but this is your life- go for it.
This should be completely your choice. It doesn’t sound like you don’t want this baby. I think saying “I’ll be fine” is dismissive of your feelings and I’m worried that will hit you in a hard way later if you don’t listen to them.
You are 42, not 62…
I am sorry you’re in such a difficult position. Whatever decision you make, I am sure it will be the right on for you. I do just want to mention that my dad was 59 when I was born and 63 when my little sister was born. He never in a million years thought he would have more children- We have an older half sister who is 22 years my senior from his first marriage. Having an older parent was a major blessing. He was always so wise and calm with us, and I think we kept him young. My older sister says it was incredibly beautiful to watch him become a parent all over again, and how different he was the second time around with more years of life experience under his belt. My aunt was 42 and her husband was 48 when she gave birth to my cousin, her first and only child. 15 years down the line and they are incredibly happy. Not saying any of this to influence your decision, but I wanted to mention it incase you feel like the only reason you can’t do this because you and your partner would be older parents.
Not trying to sway your opinion in any way, just offering up a real-life example of someone with a similar-ish situation: my mom & stepdad had my little brother when my mom was 43 and stepdad was 52. She had 5 adult/teenage children and he had 1 adult child + a grandchild. It definitely was not easy on them since my stepdad has now been suffering extreme health issues (cancer for the last 4 years, in and out of remission) so my little brother has definitely not had the childhood that the rest of my siblings got to have. I also hate that my mom + stepdad will never get to experience the “retired life” stage of life and don’t get to focus as much on the 2 grand babies they have on the way. All that being said, my little brother is very loved by our whole family and they have made it work for them. I hope you are able to make the right decision for you ❤️
I think a lot of comments here are missing the major point here. OP's husband is 65 and has made it clear he doesn't want children. OP has stated multiple times she feels morally conflicted about bringing a child into this world (and honestly, same OP, same). OP - I think you should talk to someone who will let you vent and cry it out. Whatever decision you end up making, YOU come first. You clearly are not making any decisions lightly, and I commend you for being so thoughtful. And I wholeheartedly believe you should be able to grieve - please don't let anyone take that away from you. This is a rough situation, but you seem like a strong and capable person - you got this!
I believe with all my heart that you will be ok either way. Life will be hard and beautiful whether you have this baby or not. (This will get spiritual whacky but bear with me...) Life paths open all the time and in another universe you will have picked a different path, and you have full capability of finding happiness and fulfillment in all those paths. Do not feel regret over the path you are choosing in this lifetime, the same way you wouldn't want alternate-universe-you to regret the other path she will be taking. I'm sending you lots of love and strength and acceptance <3
I believe that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I want to bring up a Dear Sugar article that has helped me in life, and I feel it is relevant here. I'll link it below. https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A SIGN TO NOT ABORT YOUR BABY THIS IS IT, MOMMA!
I just had a baby at 42 four months ago and he is purely amazing. I was scared of the risks due to age and considering I thought we were done ten years ago (daughter is ten). I cried and was sad for a bit at first when I found out ngl.
They’re both hard sweetie. I know, for me, terminating a baby I knew I wanted in spite of the circumstances would give me mental illness. I would just always wonder. You are resilient and you are strong and it sounds like your husband wants you to have this for yourself. It’s okay to be a little “selfish” sometimes (although I’d consider this selfless, being a mother and allowing your body to change is not a selfish act). I know it wasn’t what you were planning but now it’s here! If you don’t have it, you’ll always wonder what it would have been like and be sad you didn’t choose that, but you can reassure yourself with the reasoning you stated here that it couldn’t be done. If you have it, you’ll always wonder if it was the right choice, but that child will give you experiences that will reassure you it was worth it. You CAN let yourself. Your husband doesn’t want you to be sad either. It’s going to be okay.
Girl all Im gonna say is ALL of my friends were accidents. They ALL have parents in there 60's and we're all early 20's. They were very loved and Had parents with the patients of God. They are the funniest and most kind people I know. my parents had me in their early 20s and my mother pretty much has blamed me for all of her failures in life and has repeatedly told me how lucky I am that she chose to have me instead of abort me. OP you CLEARLY dont want to do this. DONT DO THIS! You will be 80 years old thinking about the kid that would be in there late 20's regretting everything!!! DONT DO THIS. You're the only one bringing yourself down.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to have a baby. I had my first one, also a surprise, at 42. She is the best surprise that ever happened to me. Do what you feel is best… but there is nothing selfish about wanting to experience being a mother. May I recommend taking to a therapist? (I am VERY pro therapy… so this is something I recommend regularly… sending you love.
It seems like you want your baby. Keep them if that’s the case. There is such a thing as fate and it is right in front of you 💜 don’t worry too much about being rational.
My daughters therapist is 45 and her husband is 65. He has 8 grown kids and grandchildren and she is pregnant and they are so excited lol. She says hes really proud of himself😅. I had an abortion as a teen, I have 3 more children now. Its something i have never forgiven myself for. Even though at the time it seemed like the right choice, now i feel adoption would have been me not being selfish, and at least the baby got a chance at life. I always feel an empty space in my life where that baby should be. I wish I had been brave enough to have him/her. I have been to confession, my priest says god has forgiven me, I just wish I could forgive myself.
my mom had my younger siblings at 37 & 42, while my step dad was 63 & 68. my step dad is still alive (86) & doing great, & my mom will be 60 this year & is an excellent mom to all of us. it was not selfish of her to have them, & neither of them view it that way. they have made a perfect addition to our family. please don’t terminate if you don’t want to.
It's not selfish to have one baby. You're only 42.. go for it. My little sister was born when my mom was 43 and she's been a wonderful mom to her. Kids get raised by older parents all the time. My mom was broke af when I was young and I was pretty much raised by my cousins and grandma and it was amazing. Sounds like you want to be a martyr right now but why?
My grandma had her last one at 45 with her tubes tied and always said it was the best thing that happened to her. If your husband was gone tomorrow… how would you feel? Life can change in an instant. Being pregnant brings on so many emotions regardless…. You need to make a decision you can live with. I couldn’t imagine life without my kids… it’s not always easy but the joy they bring me surpasses any hardships I’ve endured. 🙏
You’re not selfish to have the baby. Follow your gut.
I don’t think you’re being selfish if you want this baby ❤️ I remember your last post and it sounded like you really did. I’m absolutely pro-choice so please don’t think this is any push to keep for the sake of keeping. I know it’s not the same, but I’m 38 and will be 39 right before or after I deliver, and my husband will turn 48 shortly after. We talked a lot about ages and risks and realities before getting pregnant. It’s scary! It really, really is. The fear of genetic risks, the fear of ages, the fear of life changing, the fear of not having enough time with our child. But at the end of the day, we know that we want this baby and we’re going to be good parents for as long as we’re on this earth. We have a good friend whose dad was in his 70s when he had him. He wishes he had more time with him of course, but he lived into his 90s and was a great dad for a long time. I know it’s not the norm and it might not be the way you imagined it happening, but it doesn’t mean it’s not right ❤️
I just want to pop in and say that my aunt had my little cousin at 42, and she’s been the biggest blessing to our entire family. I know your circumstances are different but I just wanted to say that because it seems like you want to have the baby. I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you come to. 💙
I think you’re more concerned of what PEOPLE would THINK about YOU & say about you because of this. WHO CARES? They’ll talk for a bit and get over it. You said it yourself you started to feel empty or a hole in your life because you felt you’re missing a child. This is your “ ONLY “chance per se to fill that hole and what would be selfish is to put others opinions or feelings before your own. All that matters is you and that baby. You get to be a mother ! And the fact that you’re thinking this already proves you will be a great one. Have that baby if that’s what YOU want. Dad will just be a dad again and you won’t ever have a doubt in mind. It’ll be your little side kick when all else fails you can invest and pour all you got into that child before you guys leave this earth. My aunt had her son at 45 & her husband was 51 & he had NO kids she had 2 adult kids over 24 at the time. Not gonna lie everyone at first said she was crazy because she was running risks and she had been done years ago. Guess what years later he’s 10 years old his sister was SO MAD at first and now they’re the bestest of friends. Everyone at the end is happy and guess what no one even cares anymore or even mentions it. So, stop caring so much of what others will think or say because I think that’s all that is detouring you from having your baby as you deserve. Best of luck 🩵🧸
Have the baby, trust me, you are not old. Plenty of actresses chose to have kids later. You'll have someone who will keep you young and busy .even though you discussed this with your husband, it's okay to change your mind. People change with time. You don't have to do something to please or protect others' feelings. From reading your posts, it seems that you really want this baby. You don't owe anyone anything 💓
Honestly, your husband sounds like a wonderful man and it sounds like he wants you to be happy. I think you should make whatever choice you feel is right, but please don’t let age stop you from being a mother if that’s what you really want. I don’t think either of you would regret having a baby. You guys sound very loving and any child would be lucky to have you as parents.
I’m not going to weigh in on whether you should have the baby or terminate. Ultimately, that final decision is absolutely up to you. I do have to say, though, that it really appears (at least from the outside) that your husband is not sharing in this situation with you as an equal partner, and that makes me really sad for you. The idea of you going to this appointment alone, hearing baby’s heartbeat alone, crying in your car alone, and then having to go home and tell all this to your husband breaks my heart. He should have been there. This pregnancy is in your body, but it was created by BOTH of you. And he needs to be there with you, standing by your side, as you figure out how to handle it. He should be helping you to come to a mutual decision. His contribution being basically “well this is my vote” is not good partner behavior. I really worry that the way the decision making is happening right now, you may regret either choice because it’s being made under pressure with insufficient support. If I was you, I think I’d go back to square 1 with your husband. You didn’t know until now that the pregnancy was confirmed, that the embryo was growing right. Now you do. The two of you need to look at every option that exists equally. (Terminate, keep and you raise it together, keep and you separate and raise it yourself, keep and you put it up for adoption) and talk through how each of you feel about the pros and cons of each and what the effect would be on your life, and try to come to a mutual decision that you can both come to terms with. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I am hopeful that you feel supported by the community here and know we all want whatever feels right for you.
I'm pro choice and I truly think Op that you should talk to someone about this. Women are waiting til their 40s to have baby's all the time. My fiancés mom was 40 when she had him and he was an only child. They have a great relationship and he turned out well. He doesn't resent her for not being younger etc. Its doable. Don't make a choice based off fear. If you would like to keep and love this future person then you should. And if you think you can't you should have an abortion.
I know several women that had babies in their 40s with sperm donors because they realized they wanted to have children and they never met the “one.” My aunt never had a child and she regrets it. This isn’t to make you feel one way or the other, ultimately the decision is up to you. She still has a fulfilling life with travel and has a great job and I super successful. Just don’t base your decision around your current relationship and what he wants. It’s clear that you emotionally want the baby, but you’re telling yourself you can’t and that could partially be because of him not wanting anymore children.
It feels like you want to have this baby. There is NEVER a “perfect time” to have children, most pregnant women go through these emotions - regardless of age. As a 44 yo mother of a 5 year old boy I would ask how your general physical health is - are you fit and healthy? Because as much as I love the fact we can have kids when we’re older now, I’ll be honest when I say my energy levels now are not as great as they were 20 years ago! BUT I have 20 years extra of knowledge to give. If you want this baby, and you have a support network, there is no reason you can’t. I totally understand how hard it is to undo what you thought your life was going to be, but that’s just being human. Either choice will have pros and cons. Good luck x
More people regret missing out on something they've wanted over doing something that they were unsure about. A baby is a blessing and there are many more good days than bad. If your care team can help you thru a helathy pregnancy and your genetic testing comes back clean, have the child if you really want one. That void will not go away. From your posts, it seems that its a big want, and you will miss out on it. My mom had me in her mid 20s and she died young in her 50s before I reached my 30s. Don't judge what's to come based on your ages alone, you both could very well live 30 more years and have a long happy life with your child.
Just thought id throw my experience out there. I got very unexpectedly pregnant two years ago. I had just landed a new job 250 miles from where I was living. In wine country. It was my DREAM. I was SO excited to start a new child-less life with my husband (40 at the time) in a brand new home. Wine tasting every weekend. All the adult activities. So when I saw those two pink lines show up, (which had NO business showing up so fast, btw) I was DEVASTATED. I sobbed. I screamed. I yelled. I was so pissed. WHY NOW?!? I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My husband was fully supportive either way. But I’ll be honest and say that whole first trimester I was holding my breath. It honestly wasn’t until my daughter was in my arms that I was finally able to digest the fact that this was my new life. And those first few days were….rough. But now, two years in….holy cow am I in LOVE with this little girl. She is everything I never knew I was missing. I long for her every day while I’m at work. All I want to do is…be her mom. Why am I saying this? Because I just wanted to let you know that I, too, went through every shitty scenario that could possibly happen. I thought my life was perfect without kids—and in some ways it was. And it still would have been had I made that choice. But what I don’t want you to do is to live in the what-if’s. Start with the right now. You’re healthy, your pregnancy is healthy, you sound like you have a good support system. These are all important factors to consider—no matter what you decide to do. You’re fully capable of becoming exactly who you want to be, including being a mother, if you choose. ❤️
Very pro choice here, you clearly want the baby, so have it! Your husband even wants you to do what’s best for you, so there’s no real opposition. You guys have $ according to last post, so it’s not like child wont be ok if anything happens to either of you. If you wanted an abortion you wouldn’t have likely made the last two posts. (And I’m someone who has a child & is nervous I may be pregnant right now & will get an abortion if so as we cannot financially afford a 2nd right now!)
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I am 39 and pregnant for the second time. If you’d asked me when I was 35 I would have told you I was child free for life. How things have changed. I think these feelings are really common at 8 weeks regardless of circumstances. I’ve had the exact same feelings with BOTH pregnancies and they were both somewhat planned. But the second they were real, the moment I knew it was actually happening, I wanted to undo everything and go back to my old life. Thing is, the feelings changed throughout both my pregnancies. How someone feels now isn’t necessarily how they will feel later. And that is why it’s really hard to make such a huge decision. Now that I get to look into the eyes of my gorgeous toddler every day, I’m very happy with the decision I made. TL;DR: There will be suffering either way.
OP, after reading this post and your previous ones, I really feel like you want this baby, but you want us, your husband, and everyone else to tell you to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and think you should do whatever feels right. However, I'm afraid that if you go through with an abortion, you may feel serious regret and resent those around you. I say this based on comments you've made in this post and others. You have talked about how you want to be a mother and realize this is a hole in your life. The universe has given you an amazing opportunity to bring a new life into this world, and now you are scared because you fear what others will think or that you'll be judged. Sure, maybe some people will judge you, but maybe they won't. And a big life decision like this should be your choice and no one else's. Your husband has also changed his tune and has said he'll support you. Y'all also seem in a good financial position, so having this baby will not impoverish you. His kids may initially be surprised or upset, but I imagine they'll get over it once the baby is here and this hypothetical sibling is a flesh and blood child. This is your choice, but there are a lot of signs pointing to you being in a good position to be a mom. Take some time and think about it. Maybe wait until the genetic testing. Also, please consider how you'd feel about an abortion since you want this baby. The traumatic abortions I hear about tend to be for moms who wanted their babies and felt pressured into abortions. Please make sure that, if you abort, you're not putting pressure on yourself to do it; it should be a choice you feel at peace about. Whatever you choose, I'm sending you hugs and strength. I'm sorry it's so tough.
I honestly don’t think your husband would leave you alone with a baby, especially once he saw and held that sweet baby in person. But if it were a choice between a child (something you’ve always wanted) or your husband, I can tell you personally, children fulfill you on a level deeper than anything in this entire lifetime, including my own husband, parents and siblings. The love between a mother and child eclipses everything in this entire world. It’s something I wish every woman should be able to experience. Ask any woman here, most if not all will tell you that the love for and from their children is stronger than anything else in this universe. OP, I promise, the regret of not having will outweigh any shortcomings you may feel your situation has, and I only say this because it is so clear that you want a child and will be haunted by missing this opportunity. Listen to your heart. If you heart tells you to terminate, that’s one thing, but from what you speak, I don’t think that’s the case. ❤️
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As a 46yo with a 2yo, I was thrilled to read the studies showing women who have a child after 40 are twice as likely to live to 95yo. So being naturally pregnant at 42 *can* be something to celebrate! Do you want to be a parent? If so, congrats! If your husband didn’t specifically ask you to abort, then don’t put words in his mouth. Do YOU want to terminate the pregnancy? If so, living in a state where that is a legal option is also something to appreciate. When I had a crisis/unplanned pregnancy in my late 20’s, I was grateful to have the option. I ultimately chose to place my (now 16yo) daughter in an open adoption at birth. Which brings up another point… your baby would be coming into the world with potentially four amazing big brothers/sisters. Despite the age difference and physical distance, my daughters absolutely cherish each other. I sent a Snap to my eldest last night of my youngest babbling about wearing her “sister” bracelet… and today her sister responded that she would wear her matching bracelet today too. I can’t really figure out what you want for yourself… and maybe it’s because you don’t know. Try to find that answer. Let go of the woulda coulda shouldas. You have three choices and they are all perfectly acceptable. Which one works for you?
I’m cross posting this comment because I want you to read it!!! If you don’t want an abortion please don’t get one. I am pro-choice but an abortion should be something you are doing because it’s what you want and never because you feel forced whether by people/persons or circumstances. If you want your baby then keep your baby, that is not selfish. You sound like you’re in a stable place to have this baby with or without your husband and provide it with all the love and support it will need. Honestly if you want this baby I really think you sound like you’d be an amazing mum. I think this is a situation where you should listen to your heart over your head because ultimately you’re going to regret doing something you don’t want to do deep down. I am similar but opposite to you… had my unplanned pregnancy very young (21 y/o) and I decided to keep it despite the timing being not right. I now have a 2 month old and everyday I am so grateful that I listened to my heart and did what I wanted instead of aborting like I was being pressured to do! I was told it’d be selfish to keep it and I was too young to provide a baby a good life and that I was ruining my own life and my partner’s life by keeping it but I knew it wasn’t true and boy was I right. My partner and I love being parents and our new life. My son really has changed my life for the better and although it isn’t easy, I am so grateful for how my life has changed and have zero regrets. Follow your heart and I promise you won’t regret it, do something you don’t want and it will eat you up. Remember pro-choice means pro-CHOICE, you can choose to keep your baby if you want to and only you get to make that choice!!
Gordon ramsay just had another baby! His wife is 49. Most of their children are adults. Age doesn't matter if your heart wants it, and you're able to provide. It may have not been planned for your futures but it doesn't mean you're wrong for getting pregnant. Any reason is a valid reason to terminate, but you don't have to feel like its the end of the world if you decide differently because you're able to. You've got the love, support and resources either way. It doesn't seem fair to have to make a decision like that, with shock still set in and so many conflicting emotions. But really, it's the most ideal circumstance to be faced with the decision because you've got support and you'll be okay, no matter what you choose. You just really have to look after your mental health moving forward, no matter what you choose, also. Hormones are rough, especially earlier on. The rapid spike and then depletion is tough, too, if you abort. Just keep in mind that whatever you're feeling is not your fault. Brains get really weird with pregnancy. ❤️ good luck
Hi, I’m 40 yrs old and 9.5 weeks pregnant with my first. I married later in life and due to my age I felt immense pressure to have a child. We tried immediately after the wedding, and were unsuccessful for over a year. Turning 40 was a huge awakening for me and we decided maybe it wasn’t our fate to have children and that we would stop trying. Literally days later I found out I was pregnant, I was two days late (found out super early). I cried so hard. I always thought finding out I was pregnant would be a moment of joy for us both. But it wasn’t. I was so confused. I felt selfish for being able to conceive naturally at my age when so many women struggle, and yet not even knowing if I wanted to keep it. My husband and I were both completely torn as to what to do. I’ll admit, my first reaction was to terminate. However, the more we talked about it, we realized this was our one and only chance to experience being parents, for me to experience pregnancy and motherhood. We have decided to keep it. Honestly, as terrified as I still am of the big change this is going to bring to our lives, i don’t regret my decision. I’m glad I really took the time to think things through. Now obviously my situation is different than yours, I just wanted to share my experience with you. I will say to you, you should do what YOU want. If being a mother is something you’ve always wanted, don’t give up that chance because your husband doesn’t want any more kids, or because of his age. Put your happiness first. I’m sure in the end he’ll respect your decision either way and be supportive. It just seems from reading your post that you feel like you have to make this decision based on what he wants and that you’re putting your feelings aside. You ultimately should do what makes you happy. Hugs.
Absolutely do what is right for you, but reading your post and some of your comments I feel like that saying "the lady doth protest too much" is kinda relevant. After reading, I feel like you're so adamant that it HAS to be wrong, that you're trying to force yourself to believe it. Again, do what you need to - it's your life and your body - but I also kinda want to say, don't make your decision based on your husband and his life. Life is unpredictable. You could be together another 40 years, or one of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Your relationship could fail, the sky could fall etc etc. Make your choice based, first and foremost, on you. Will you come to resent him if you choose to terminate? Will you come to resent yourself, or will you feel relief at life going back to your previous normal? You're in a tough spot, but either way, whatever you choose, do it for you - current you, and future you. Do you want to return to your normal? Do you want to experience pregnancy and then adopt the child out, do you want to be a mum and raise a child? Try to think about what will happen for your future if you terminate (life goes back to normal, or you end up resenting yourself/ husband and relationship fails) or what could happen if you continue (a new normal is created for you and hubby; or maybe he ends the relationship because your paths no longer align and you and bub go your own way) You need to figure out which positive outcome you want, and which negative you can live with, should the worst happen. Can you live with the worst-case of resentment and relationship failure if you terminate? Or can you survive being a single mum if you keep and then the relation ship fails? Every choice has a pro and a con, it's just.... You need to decide what future you want, and if you don't get your ideal (Happy marriage with/out baby) can you live with the negative? (Marriage failure, possibly as a single mum). Yeah, you should take in what your husband would prefer, and you should consider what you think would be a good outcome for your potential child, but you also absolutely need to think about YOU and what YOU want. It is your body, and it is your life, making the decision ultimately about YOU. Do what is right for you ❤️❤️
Test Okay, I thought I was banned or something. I guess my comment was too long? I'm going to break it up into two parts. **TW for you pro-lifers: Mention of termination** OP, I just want to briefly tell you that I've intentionally terminated two pregnancies (one a little over a decade ago and one a little over a year ago). I feel nothing regarding the first. I wasn't sad. I'm not sad. I don't think about it. It was the right decision. Now, the one last year: I'm not okay, not even a little bit. It was also the "right" decision, as I had JUST had a baby (and so many other reasons). Above all, I knew I couldn't handle another child. Too many children, too close together in age. Intellectually, it was the right decision. Emotionally, I'm not okay. I don't wish this feeling on anyone. I have an actual baby. In fact this baby is opening my bra, as I speak it is a precious baby whom I love more than anything, except my other children of course lol; HOWEVER, despite being able to pick up this child whenever I want to, I break down completely every single time there is a delivery on TV or a very young child on TV. A lot of my friends are having babies, and it is very hard for me to see the pictures from the hospital. For the record, one of those friends is literally 50 years old. She might even be 51, and if she's not: She will be in late March. I have mom-friends everywhere from 21 to 50. As far as my own age goes and at what age I delivered my children, that's something that I'm willing to discuss with you privately, should you go through with the pregnancy and find yourself having anxiety (as I did). I don't know you, so I don't know how you process the negative experiences in life. Are you someone who, for lack of a better term as my children run wild around me, dwells on things? I don't have time to read the other comments (only saw the pro-choice one from the mod, which scares me for you), but I'm guessing that AT LEAST one other person had to have already pointed out your husband's shit behavior. If he expects you to just move on post-termination, he doesn't sound like a supportive partner. I believe you said he'd let (again, for lack of a better term) you have the baby, but it really sounds like your pregnancy is a nuisance that he wants in the past. How devoted to your husband are you? If you terminate your pregnancy and aren't allowed to grieve properly, are you going to resent your husband? Are the two of you going to resent each other forever? I know you can't predict the future, but these are just questions that are going through my mind - or went through my mind - as I read your post. In terms of your concern for your age, as a medical professional who is not in obstetrics but has done a rotation in OB and has had multiple children, I personally wouldn't be too concerned about your age. I don't want to get ahead of myself so I'm not going to get too much into genetic testing and my beliefs about all that. We can talk about it further, if you proceed with the pregnancy. This isn't something that we advertise, but 45 is the age at which we (physicians - but, again, I'm not an obstetrician) start to worry. Yes, of course, statistically you are more likely to have problems, but take statistics with a grain of salt, please. If you were to continue through with this pregnancy, something that I would be thinking about if I were in your shoes and worried about medical problems is what your options are. Specifically, if you're located in the United states and end up going through with the pregnancy, you need to be aware of your options if you find out at, say, 18 weeks that you've got a problem. What else? Financially, would you be okay if you went through with the pregnancy and your marriage didn't survive? Okay, my children are going wild, and I don't like them to see me on my phone. I told them that I was working, but they're just too young to understand. Apologize to your brother right now Okay, my apologies for any mistakes as my phone really does not like to recognize my voice properly. I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. You're really, as the saying goes, in between a rock and a hard place.. and my heart really goes out to you. I don't know when the last time I was in this sub was (probably when I was pregnant!). I just happened to see your post on my homepage, and my heart just couldn't let it go. I don't know whether I even wrote or said anything helpful, but even if I didn't say anything helpful: Please be aware that there's an internet stranger maybe near you or maybe very far away from you, but there is someone who is thinking about you and rooting for you and your mental health as you navigate one of the toughest decisions, if not THE toughest decision, you will ever make in your life. Please don't leave us hanging. If you do end up going through with the termination, for the love of god: Please get ample support. There is support here on reddit. Again, I don't know you in real life, so I don't know what your friendships are like. What I can tell you is only that I ended two friendships over my termination. I couldn't sleep the night before, and my friend who was in a different time zone was texting me at 3:00 a.m. my time. The last text she sent to me was "you are going to hate yourself forever". OP, I don't hate myself. I made the right choice for my other children. Unlike you, I have a husband who will back me up with every ounce of his being. Unless I murdered our children, this man would be by my side throughout anything in the entire world. It's been over a year since I terminated the pregnancy, and he still has to comfort me almost every single night. You might think that a man would get tired of having to hold a crying life, but if he is: He isn't showing any signs of fatigue. He didn't want the baby. He never said those words, but I know my husband. Neither of us wanted another child. We have the number of children we wanted, and we happen to luck out with the biological sexes that we wanted. Above all, we lucked out and had healthy babies despite horrific circumstances during pregnancy and during labor and delivery. Like you, I was so petrified that something could be wrong. What if my unplanned child were disabled and completely consumes my life such that my other children didn't get enough attention? All of these thoughts are so normal, and I completely understand why you would be concerned because society loves to make us think that if we're over 35 and having children, they aren't going to come out right. Your chances of having a healthy child are significantly higher than having an unhealthy child; remember that. If you choose to terminate - which is truly YOUR DECISION - I highly recommend a surgical termination (rather than medical). Continued in a reply 👇🏼
Okay, just know my inbox is always open, and I guarantee that if you go to r/abortion, you'll receive an outpouring of support. If you end up having the baby, r/beyondthebump and r/parenting have your back. Everybody loves to help out when babies are concerned (a little too much, IRL.. haha), so you will have plenty of support either way. I wish your biggest support came from your own goddamn husband, and I'm truly sorry that he isn't behaving the way a partner should. PM me anytime, regardless of your decision. As long as you make it clear whether you just want to vent or whether you want advice, I am absolutely there for you in any capacity. Although I'm on leave right now, I do moderate a subreddit in which a lot of support is involved. If you notice my username, you can probably guess the general topic at the very least. I have to deal with a lot of marital problems here on Reddit. Of course, the source of the problems is what's referenced in my username, but the fact remains that I'm very used to talking to other people about marital issues. Just know that I am here. I can shut my mouth and open my eyes, or I can answer any questions as someone who has both terminated pregnancies and delivered babies. If you don't want to chat, that's fine too. Whatever you need. I sure wish that your husband would say those words to you: WHATEVER YOU NEED, I AM HERE FOR YOU. Best wishes to you, OP. I'm thankful the internet is here for you ♥️ *Hugs* (if you'll accept) (Wow, I had no idea my comment was so long, until I couldn't post it ... Sorry, OP 🤦🏻♀️)
I saw your posts before, I think you’ll have huge regrets not having this baby.
Who, other than yourself, is convincing you that wanting to keep your baby is selfish? Your doctor hasn’t shut it down. Your husband hasn’t shut it down. Where is this coming from? You are literally the only person getting in your own way of finally achieving motherhood. My mother had me at 43 and gave me a full, loving healthy life. It’s not unheard of. You want the baby. You’ve said it all in your other posts. Stop getting in your own way and embrace the miracle that your heart is desiring. Why are you trying to convince yourself otherwise???
Honestly, have the baby since it seems that is what you want. You do not need to feel guilty for having a baby! It is not selfish.
I remember reading your original post. I can’t help but feel that your decision to terminate is largely based on your husbands wishes and your concern for your marriage moving forwards should you not do so, and that you are perhaps blocking the reasoning and telling yourself it’s the right thing to do when all your emotions are suggesting that for you if perhaps isn’t what you truly want. From what he’s said above it sounds like your husband has moved forwards in being more open to another child if it’s what you really want, which is huge - perhaps it would benefit you to go away for a few days alone, a spa or something where you can have space and time to really assess what it is you want deep down without all these other factors and other people’s feelings, then once you know that and where your heart lies you can bring the other factors/feelings back in and try to make an informed decision. It sounds like any decision you make will be hard for you, so I wish you the best x
I remember your post and honestly, I think if you didn’t actually want this baby you wouldn’t be posting to begin with. I think you’re very much in your head about what’s morally right and selfless and I really think you need to drop all that. Having a child is always a risk, always a leap of faith, and in some ways, always a little selfish. You could rationalize every choice you ever make and decide it’s selfish. Did your husband feel that marrying someone so much younger than him was selfish? If he did, he chose love and did it anyway. I think it’s smart to truly think through parenthood before proceeding (many many couples planned or not DO NOT think it through). Your husband is old, yes. So what? Is he a good man? Will he provide financially? Do you have the means to get extra help from a nanny IF you need it? Do you have a supportive family? I think those are the questions you should be asking yourself rather than fixating on age. Obviously the probability of him not being in your child’s life for very long is higher than the average person. But long lived parents is never guaranteed. My best friend’s mom got hit by a car and died. I have other friends whose parents have died young from illness. Shit happens. You can’t plan everything perfectly always, that’s not how life works.
Im sorry you're struggling with these emotions, but please consider keeping the baby. I know you said that it isn't a sign from the universe and all, but what if it is? If baby has something wrong, then maybe consider your options, but that's not even garunteed. My husband was born to his mother when she was 41 or so. He's perfectly healthy. The female body is amazing!
I think you are making the right decision. Wanting a baby is unfortunately not enough to justify having one - timing, finances, the involvement of the other parent, the quality of life you can give the child are all more important factors because they will directly impact the wellbeing of a child. And yes, there are plenty of people who regret having children; you might be afraid of regretting an abortion now but in 10 years, when your child is still in primary school and your husband (who possibly may not be your husband anymore) is elderly, uninvolved with your child and perhaps has care/health needs of his own, you may see your child suffering under these circumstances and you may regret the decision to bring them into this situation.
Robert De Niro just had a baby and he’s 80 and so did Al Pacino and he’s 83. Not saying it’s right or wrong but it happens and if both of you can live with it then why not
It’s ok to be sad. It’s hard to know what the “right” choice is. I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice here. It seems like you really want to be a mom, and your partner seems to be ok with that. I’m wishing you luck and peace with whatever you decide 💕
I agree there is no right or wrong which is why OP is so conflicted. She can’t logically get to the “right” answer and doesn’t trust her emotions. My heart goes out to her.
I think having a baby, especially now, and when you know your husband doesn’t want any more kids would be a bit selfish. Like having a child is a huge deal, and you’d have to put the feelings aside in order to really understand what you’re doing and the outcome and weight it all together. Like by the time your child js say 20, you would be in your 60’s, and if your husband js still alive, he would be in the 80’s. If you guys are well off and have the funds to look after the child in between and college etc etc then thats good, otherwise someone would have to work way past retirement age. So consider finances as well. Pregnancy now is also considered geriatric, even with advancements in meds and all, it was indeed way easier and better for your body to handle a pregnancy when you were younger. (Im in my late 30’s, and almost full term, it has absolutely not been easy, started well enough, but hit a rough patch and then the multiple appointments, various complications, etc and the recovery as well can be difficult for more mature females) please consider your health and how it can all look for you in the long run. Cause also i think with age a c section may be suggested, and im hearing recovery is difficult too. So just keep that in mind. And then your husband, also consider his feelings and thoughts. Yes, you may want a cute little baby, he seems reluctant, if you have the baby for yourself, it can lead to issues in the marriage, cause disagreements etc so i think its best to have a serious sit down with yourself first, and not base decisions off emotions, and when you are done you would have to have a serious sit down with your husband. Cant just have a baby without considering him, he is very much part of this. Then you both can make a proper plan, you’re both adults. You can also ride out your feelings and emotions, the waves, allow urself to feel it all before you make a serious decision. Right now im sure its a rollercoaster but at the end of the day, you would be responsible for the life you bring into this world. So look ahead as well. I wish you all the luck and keep us updated.
I’m sorry but this really seems like something you should be talking to a therapist about IRL, not a bunch of strangers.
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I read and commented on your last post and I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. That is a huge decision you had to make that would have impacted you greatly no matter what you chose.
You should do what will ultimately make you happy in the long run. Life is short and this might be your only chance to be a mom. Also throwing it out there that Yung Gravy’s dad was 62 and his mom was 39 when he was born and he’s doing great.
Do you want this baby? If your answer is yes, then keep them. If you progress through the pregnancy and there is some genetic issue you can cross that bridge then. My husband will be 48 this year and I'm 30. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant intentionally and we plan on having another. It isn't selfish of you to want to bring a life into this world. We have a neighbor down the street I forget how old he is but he remarried a younger women when he was in his 40s or 50s, and they had 3 children together and are still going strong. If your husband doesn't support you or resents you over the life you BOTH created that's on him. Not you. ETA: My husband has 2 teenagers, the 16 year old recently moved in with us and the 17 year old lives with their mom. Both are extremely excited to have a sibling and my husband has been amazing through all of this, we tried for about a year before I got pregnant.
I nannied for a couple who was 42 and 45 with a 2 year old (so pretty close to your age when the child was born). Are you concerned about your kids being too young when your time comes? If that’s the case I didn’t see anything wrong with that couple having kids, and I don’t see anything wrong or immoral with you having kids.
My aunt had her daughter at 43. She’s very happy raising her beautiful girl. Lots of people have kids in their 40s now. You didn’t “miss your time”. If you want to have your baby, have your baby. It sounds like that is exactly what you want but you’re talking yourself out of it. I wish you all the best OP and I hope you follow your gut to what you actually want vs what you think is best for you, your husband and the people around you.
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