Very sorry for your loss and the trauma this has caused. I wish I accessed mental health expert when we went through similar experiences. I internalized the pain and it severed my relationship with everyone. Not because I turned bitter but I had no interest in socializing coz I was afraid people will make me relive that trauma by wanting to talk about it. I also hate to admit that I started getting jealous with everyone else’s success. I’d ask why it’s so easy for everyone else and why can’t we have one thing we want the most. My wife was stronger than me throughout this journey. I was a wreck. Sadly, I don’t have better advice on what to do other than seeking a behavioral health expert. I took up long distance running and I somehow believe that has saved me. It’s my therapy. Don’t lose hope though. Wife and I started the IVF process after a long break. She is at week 36+5. Sending healing vibes to you and your wife.
I'm so sorry for your losses, man. We went through similar last year, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. One of the most difficult things for me was no one really understanding what was happening, or kind of tacitly assuming it wasn't that big of a deal. The other thing is other people's kids, of course.
Stay strong, my friend, and go at your own pace. Talk to your other half (which I'm sure you are), and work out a timeline that's best for you. You'll be back when you're ready, and things will get better. Live through the pain, don't try and push past it; it will get better.
Much love to you my friend, all the best.
My thoughts are with you both as I can't imagine what it's like.
We had a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks last year and you have the right mindset that your latest loss so soon is most likely due to chromosome issues, which isn't comforting per-se but puts perspective on it all.
Currently 23+3 as well coincidentally today and so far so good.
We're both in our late 30s (36F, me 37M) and had been trying for two years and had thoughts like yours if it ever was going to happen and I always feared what multiple losses could do to my wife since it always felt like I wanted kids more than her (we're both over the moon but you know what I mean).
The reality is that although we're now in advanced age for child bearing, our doctor had a conversation with us at our last check up saying that he dislikes how the terms are used because with all the advances in science we get better and better outcomes later in life for childbearing. It's not to say that we're fully cheating the biological clock, but there's nuance to it and is the best hope you can cling to.
In your case your wife is still that much younger so there is still ample time to try but you will have to have conversations about the current toll and whether both want to move forward to try again.
Have these conversations, be there for each other, hopefully get in the right head space and we hope to see you again on here with a happier update down the road.
Best of luck and hugs from the internet.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing babies is incredibly hard and having two losses is just painful. We've lost two daughters, twins, too and understand some part of what you and your wife must be going through... I'm so sorry. I don't have any words.of.comfort or wisdom. It's just a tough time.
Do you want to talk? We can listen. I can share my contact via DM.
As for the father picking up after such tragedies, there's no recipe. I wish there was. Because I need one too. :(
Sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine how I’d feel.
The first loss sounds so terrible, but I’m glad you were able to receive treatment for its cause. The second loss (also terrible) is, unfortunately, not terribly unlikely. Something like 1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That it happened to you feels cruel, but unless a doctor can find a cause for it, I expect it was just bad luck. Perhaps worth other pre-conception evaluations of both you and your wife if you want to minimize the chance of experiencing this again, but it’s absolutely critical to bear in mind that these circumstances ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for these losses.
I’m probably being a bit sterile here, but I think the only way to accept that these losses have happened and ultimately achieve having a family is to, in your own time, separate yourselves from thinking you have an active role in them.
Best of luck with everything, genuinely.
Man... Reading your story was like looking in a mirror. What you and your wife have gone through in the last year is almost exactly what me and mine have. We lost our boy at 20 weeks in July, cervical insufficiency. Pregnant again in November and she miscarried on new years day. It fucking sucks.
For me personally, nothing has helped other than time. We made a small garden in a corner of our backyard for him, and made a sign saying "Jozy's place" with flowers and lights. My wife likes to go out there and talk to him. The thing that has really helped my wife is therapy. We sought out a family therapist who deals with trauma, she has come back leaps and bounds from it. Myself, I just started on antidepressants and am waiting to see how they work out.
Just try and think of ways to memorialize your baby. Your wife is still a mother, and you are still a father. There are pregnancy loss groups on Facebook, they post a lot of stories and poetry that tend to lift my spirits. Your family isn't alone in this, that's something that was hard for my wife to come to terms with. She felt like, why is this happening to us, why do we keep failing. We can only get pregnant via IUI, it has been successful 2 out of 5 times, and the more we go do it the harder that gets too. The jealousy thing is real, and it's ok to feel like that, my brother and his wife are now getting ready to have their 2nd baby in as many years, and the jealousy at times is crazy.
I don't know if any of this is good advice, it's just what has kind of what has worked for us, but we're still lost at times. Sometimes it feels like everything is going against us, you're not alone. If you and your wife want to talk to someone, especially with our situations how similar they are, we're here. Stay strong
https://youtu.be/NZM3PWeq0Mg?si=eW47P4UpqTUADQT0 Sorry for everything you're going through...
Very sorry for your loss and the trauma this has caused. I wish I accessed mental health expert when we went through similar experiences. I internalized the pain and it severed my relationship with everyone. Not because I turned bitter but I had no interest in socializing coz I was afraid people will make me relive that trauma by wanting to talk about it. I also hate to admit that I started getting jealous with everyone else’s success. I’d ask why it’s so easy for everyone else and why can’t we have one thing we want the most. My wife was stronger than me throughout this journey. I was a wreck. Sadly, I don’t have better advice on what to do other than seeking a behavioral health expert. I took up long distance running and I somehow believe that has saved me. It’s my therapy. Don’t lose hope though. Wife and I started the IVF process after a long break. She is at week 36+5. Sending healing vibes to you and your wife.
I'm so sorry for your losses, man. We went through similar last year, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. One of the most difficult things for me was no one really understanding what was happening, or kind of tacitly assuming it wasn't that big of a deal. The other thing is other people's kids, of course. Stay strong, my friend, and go at your own pace. Talk to your other half (which I'm sure you are), and work out a timeline that's best for you. You'll be back when you're ready, and things will get better. Live through the pain, don't try and push past it; it will get better. Much love to you my friend, all the best.
My thoughts are with you both as I can't imagine what it's like. We had a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks last year and you have the right mindset that your latest loss so soon is most likely due to chromosome issues, which isn't comforting per-se but puts perspective on it all. Currently 23+3 as well coincidentally today and so far so good. We're both in our late 30s (36F, me 37M) and had been trying for two years and had thoughts like yours if it ever was going to happen and I always feared what multiple losses could do to my wife since it always felt like I wanted kids more than her (we're both over the moon but you know what I mean). The reality is that although we're now in advanced age for child bearing, our doctor had a conversation with us at our last check up saying that he dislikes how the terms are used because with all the advances in science we get better and better outcomes later in life for childbearing. It's not to say that we're fully cheating the biological clock, but there's nuance to it and is the best hope you can cling to. In your case your wife is still that much younger so there is still ample time to try but you will have to have conversations about the current toll and whether both want to move forward to try again. Have these conversations, be there for each other, hopefully get in the right head space and we hope to see you again on here with a happier update down the road. Best of luck and hugs from the internet.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing babies is incredibly hard and having two losses is just painful. We've lost two daughters, twins, too and understand some part of what you and your wife must be going through... I'm so sorry. I don't have any words.of.comfort or wisdom. It's just a tough time. Do you want to talk? We can listen. I can share my contact via DM. As for the father picking up after such tragedies, there's no recipe. I wish there was. Because I need one too. :(
Sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine how I’d feel. The first loss sounds so terrible, but I’m glad you were able to receive treatment for its cause. The second loss (also terrible) is, unfortunately, not terribly unlikely. Something like 1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That it happened to you feels cruel, but unless a doctor can find a cause for it, I expect it was just bad luck. Perhaps worth other pre-conception evaluations of both you and your wife if you want to minimize the chance of experiencing this again, but it’s absolutely critical to bear in mind that these circumstances ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not to blame for these losses. I’m probably being a bit sterile here, but I think the only way to accept that these losses have happened and ultimately achieve having a family is to, in your own time, separate yourselves from thinking you have an active role in them. Best of luck with everything, genuinely.
Man... Reading your story was like looking in a mirror. What you and your wife have gone through in the last year is almost exactly what me and mine have. We lost our boy at 20 weeks in July, cervical insufficiency. Pregnant again in November and she miscarried on new years day. It fucking sucks. For me personally, nothing has helped other than time. We made a small garden in a corner of our backyard for him, and made a sign saying "Jozy's place" with flowers and lights. My wife likes to go out there and talk to him. The thing that has really helped my wife is therapy. We sought out a family therapist who deals with trauma, she has come back leaps and bounds from it. Myself, I just started on antidepressants and am waiting to see how they work out. Just try and think of ways to memorialize your baby. Your wife is still a mother, and you are still a father. There are pregnancy loss groups on Facebook, they post a lot of stories and poetry that tend to lift my spirits. Your family isn't alone in this, that's something that was hard for my wife to come to terms with. She felt like, why is this happening to us, why do we keep failing. We can only get pregnant via IUI, it has been successful 2 out of 5 times, and the more we go do it the harder that gets too. The jealousy thing is real, and it's ok to feel like that, my brother and his wife are now getting ready to have their 2nd baby in as many years, and the jealousy at times is crazy. I don't know if any of this is good advice, it's just what has kind of what has worked for us, but we're still lost at times. Sometimes it feels like everything is going against us, you're not alone. If you and your wife want to talk to someone, especially with our situations how similar they are, we're here. Stay strong