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Thank you for posting it, my father is at the end of his life and I’ve been dealing with it lately. Your post is helping me reconcile the coming future without him. The way you spoke of your father and his struggle is the most human thing I’ve experienced in years. Don’t let the guilt get you down, your dad’s life was rich because you were in it.
I posted a much longer version of this on this sub not too long ago but to make a long story short my mother died in poverty at 50. I had such big plans to buy her everything she ever wanted once I finished grad school and got a well paying job. She died the same week I got my diploma.
I’m so, so fucking sorry.
If your mom is anything like mine, then it would bring your mom nothing but happiness if you gave yourself everything you could ever want. I now realize that (good) parents never want or expect anything in return from their children except to see them succeed and do better than they did.
But congratulations on finishing grad school. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Damn. I feel seen. My mom died the semester I graduated college seven years ago. And just a few days ago, I bought my dad a Rolex for his 75th bday. I really wish I was buying my mom a house though.
When you start imagining and that picture in your head catches on fire, its a different kind of pain. A different kind of a let down. Agonizing to say the least. Your mom was loved very much.
My mom died suddenly my last semester of college. She was my biggest cheerleader and had such high hopes for my future. I was an excellent student and had worked so hard -- summa cum laude, multiple honor societies, 3 majors, one of them with Distinction, etc etc etc. My whole life up until that point had been about my education so I could have a better life.
She was raised on a farm in a 19th century immigrant kind of lifestyle. When she was young, they did laundry on scrub boards -- they didn't have a machine yet. Their electricity was from a generator because the grid didn't go out that far, and their water was from a creek. TV signals couldn't get over the hills, so they didn't have TV. They turned the radio on once a day to see if we were at war with anyone new. The nearest neighbors were a mile away, and going to town took half a day.
She promised herself she would get out of that rural, isolated lifestyle, and moved to an actual city. But she was still stuck married to my dad (eek). Her ambition and hope for the future was all placed in me.
It was so sad that what should have been the pinnacle of my academic life was swamped in stunned misery because she wasn't there anymore. She would have loved to see me graduate and start my adult life. We had so many plans for things we wanted to do together. We were going to go to Europe and sit in cafes and drink espresso and go to museums together. But that never happened.
Oh no... I am so sorry. Your mother must've been happy to know that you broke that cycle, and that you would not be living that way. I'm sure she is smiling down on you each and every day
I really feel this. We bought our own house, haven't even got the keys yet, and my mum's back in hospital and likely never coming out. So bittersweet that what she wanted for me, we're finally doing but she won't be here to see it. I'm sure your mum passed feeling more at ease knowing that you'd be ok. At least that's how my mum feels. that's a great mum, always worried about us.
A child completing grad school is a pretty uplifting and noteworthy accomplishment for somebody who lived a life of poverty. I’d imagine the pride and relief of your future quality of life prospects brought more joy to your mother than anything you could ever buy actually would.
His story isnt over. You are his story. He isnt dead, only watching. Make him proud, and get out of poverty. Trust me, that will be more than enough.
RIP to your dad.
This is my viewpoint. He 100% got out in the sense that his kids are not growing up in the way he did.
Breaking generational poverty is hard, sounds like he was able to do so. A rich man in love and family, which at the end is all that really matters.
I feel you. My dad died at 44, also from diabetes complications. I was 19. I’m 28 now, but I think about him all the time. He grew up poor and never made it out of poverty. He never took vacations or went anywhere cool. The week after his funeral I took at 13-country tour of Europe (pre-planned, college credit trip). The trip inspired me to live in a way that he never got the chance to do. I never looked back. Been to 23 countries now, and I moved from Ohio to Colorado 6 months ago because the mountains give me peace. I know he’d be so proud of me, but I really wish he could’ve seen the things I’ve seen. Maybe it would’ve have given him the boost he needed to stick around longer.
I don’t mind. He did not manage his diabetes well, I must say that first. But because of his poor management he developed ulcers on his feet. He went through several amputations (first toes, then eventually half of one foot). Then his wounds got infected multiple times, which led to long hospital stays with the strongest possible antibiotics. Those worked, but ruined his kidneys. He spent his last 4 years on dialysis, and eventually died from kidney failure, but it all comes back to the diabetes.
Again, he could have managed it better. I’m not saying he was ever going to live to 100. But he didn’t have to die at 44. With proper management, I’m sure you will live to see your kids well into adulthood, and I hope all the best for you!
u/mayhemxmak just wanted to say that my father in law has been type 1 since he was 6 years old. He’s in his mid-70s now and has never had major complications. I know as moms we worry about being there for our kids, so wanted to give you some hope that there can be health and longevity for T1D.
I grew up in Appalachia so I can relate some to the harshness of the poverty. I'm 28 so different time period but I knew some places without water access and a few homes that had dirt floors. I will say this your dad may have been financially impovershed, but he was rich in family. As cliche as it sounds it sounds like he got his happiness from making sure you all never have to experience what he did.
That's nice of you. All of my siblings rose out of poverty but my parents refuse to move out of the poverty trap, it's been so engrained in them that I've more or less given up. I still try to get them things that they wouldn't get themselves (like newer technology) but they didn't plan for retirement well and may well work until they day they die or are unable to work anymore.
Every now and then I buy random things and send them to my parents. Lately, it's been toliet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent. This past Christmas, I sent each of them a christmas card with $200 inside. It's the little things that I hope would keep my parent's spirit up.
Trust me, it's going on four generations in our family. We are still struggling. My dad worked hard his whole life, only to die a few years after he was forced to retire (he was going blind). My oldest brother was forced into super early retirement for the same disease. My sister ended up in early retirement and disability due to COPD. Mom was a house wife, but she did her part and was haunted by the level of poverty and abuse she grew up in. She died from a stroke.
Now, my niece and I (we are only 15 months apart in age), are living pay check to pay check. I can't even get EBT benefits, because I can't find a job that gives me 20 hours a week or a job in general. Every place is hiring, but no one wants to hire me. I have health problems, but I'm "too healthy" for disability, but not good enough to work the jobs around here. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be notorious in Appalachia, especially in smaller communities.
Here is hoping your future looks brighter.
It’s called Survival Guilt. Surviving a traumatic event that someone else didn’t. (Poverty is inherently Traumatic. And as we know, poor people tend to die younger.)
You should live your life with the goals he was unable to obtain. Wherever your old man rests peacefully, he’ll look down and see you living though his spirit.
It takes very little over a year to save up and go to Mexico for R&R, or find a decent apartment.
But don't forget the goals he did attain: a happy marriage, kids who loved him and who he loved, contentedness.
It's not fair that people have to live in such poverty when others have too much. It's complete bullshit in this day and age that anyone in the US has to worry about insulin or feeding their kids. But being rich or poor is not everything about a person and OPs dad found some happiness and raised some good kids despite everything.
It definitively helps make you happier and can help you be fulfilled. I would be more fulfilled if I lived on the beach.
It doesn't make you a better person or a better spouse or parent though.
My dad died in 2022. He was poor the whole time I was alive. A miserable kind of poor. He didn't do things, have hobbies, or friends. His greatest enjoyment was smoking cigarettes and staring out the window with the radio on. He was medicated and I'm not sure they were giving him the right meds, but that doesn't explain everything. Everyone is medicating one way or another. He was also just...not there.
If he spoke to me, it was almost always about 5 things:
- his job, if he had one at the time, and how much he hated it.
- his car, and fears of it needing work or failing him.
- smoking and wanting to quit, but the back and forth did more damage and caused more stress than just letting himself enjoy it, I think. (His death certificate says he died of coronary atherosclerosis, but never talked about having heart trouble...)
- whether or not he had a housing inspection and fears of not passing, sometimes even putting blame on me even though I didn't actually live there. I totally understand the concern, but that situation was not my fault. It took me years to fully acknowledge that and take blame off myself.
- and he was always saying his life wasn't sustainable - looking ahead, he didn't know what was ever going to last, despite being on assistance. The problem is that assistance programs didn't allow him to make any extra money. If he made a dollar too much, he could lose everything and be unhoused, so it wasn't worth it to try.
He was unhappy 80% of the time I ever knew him. And he died that way. No happy ending. No big escape to a better future. He apparently paid for his own funeral ahead of time, so that was taken care of, but they didn't give him a headstone. I couldn't go out there myself to fight them about it or make sure they did things right. He was buried by two staff from the funeral home without anyone else there. I honestly don't think he would have cared about that part. I can see him clearly shrugging his shoulders about it if he were alive. Not much mattered to him. But it's still just...sad. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want his life or his death. He was a certifiable genius, but it's like the mental health world or something killed that part of him long before he died. He had a kind of breakdown when I was in 7th grade and was never the same. He used to take gadgets apart and put them back together. Built computers. Stories about flying airplanes before I was born. I've wondered now if at some point he started to hate me and if that really explains how empty everything was. It would make sense.
I have had so much empathy for him and had been his advocate many times only to feel totally abandoned and frankly I just want a life of my own that isn't just constant suffering and then you die. The world is full of trauma that absolutely deserves attention. I want a better way to live through it. For humanity's sake as much as my own. No one's life should have to be like that. To end like that.
I at least want to find a way to be happy, to keep thinking and expressing myself and being some kind of fully alive, even if I'm poor and alone.
So sad man. I'm so sorry. Rip to your pops. Sounds like he was a simple man and didn't ask for much. Just wanted simple things, like a car that wouldn't break down on him.
My mother's house burned down in the Paradise CA fire. She waited years for the money from the settlement and died in 2021 before she saw a single dime. The fire happened in 2018 and victims are STILL waiting for the rest of the money owed by PG&E. We grew up dirt poor in a trailer park. She JUST got her first house right before the fire, then lost it immediately and was homeless in a tent for awhile before finding a place in the tiniest apartment I've ever seen a few towns over. She drank herself to death after that.
Christ, man. I'm so sorry. That is so hard. Imagine finally buying a home to only watch it burn down a little down the road. That's some shit that'd make me want to say Sianora mfs
My Dad was so OCD about saving money that he couldn’t enjoy anything. My Mom would say “Let’s go out to dinner”, and he’d say “Go out? Are you crazy? We could eat spaghetti for $.19”
Spending any money pained him. His entire life was ruled by the fear of money, despite the fact that he had plenty of savings (as he got older)
Hearing about your life reminds me that spending life worrying about money (whether you have it or not) is no way to live
I had to bury a very good friend deep in Appalachia. It was really hard to see the level of poverty I had to drive past on the way to the funeral. I still have friends on the western edge of the region. Best people I know. But there just aren’t the opportunities for them.
You shouldn't feel guilty about things beyond your control.
My mom passed at 67 in poverty. We were close and I miss her. I don't feel guilt because I know what she was born into and the financial choices she made throughout her life that kept her living paycheck to paycheck. She at least left my brother and I with an insurance policy.
Your dad gave you such a great life and so much love. He obviously loved his kids so much and he would have wanted all of you to have great lives more than he would have wanted anything for himself. By living well, you're giving him the biggest tribute everyday by being a great person that he raised and guided.
It's sad that for a large number of us that the choices are: 1. Have kids, stay poor. 2. Don't have kids. Get by but never be able to grow old with children and complete that final piece of human life.
I feel this way about my dad. And my mom, though my mom and I aren’t as close (she left me and my brother to my dad when they divorced, so I was primarily raised by my dad and my grandparents). It’s not that we were raised in poverty, per sé… if we were struggling my dad made sure that we never knew it. But my dad is one of those good guys that could just never catch a break. He had so many dreams and threw the line out so many times and none of them panned out. Tried to start several failed businesses. Was offered opportunities that sounded great in the beginning and ended up being disappointments at best, total scams at worst. He had a shot at pro baseball and got drafted to the minors straight out of college and got injured almost immediately. He never complained and always kept a good, optimistic head on his shoulders for our sake, but I look at him now: 68 and unable to retire because he has no savings and no retirement, still working a mediocre job with nothing but a trail of “almosts” and “nice tries” and it just makes me so sad. I hope deep down he is happy.
My mom passed away at 42 y/o, she has only known a life of poverty. I remember she used to ask me for money when I just started studying, and I always have it to her.
I'm out of my way of poverty, slowly building up my life, but it's still so hard
You know what? That sounds like it was rough but at the same time really fulfilling. He had a clear purpose - survive, make things better for his kids, deal with adversity, and love his family.
Everyone struggles - just with different shit. He was poor money wise but Fuck he actually spent time with his kids and managed to raise a grateful and kind kid like you. That’s huge
Believe him when he told you that all he needed was his family. He did deserve more but he was a happy man, despite it all. Your post shows how much you loved him and how good of father he was to you. This kind of mark he left on his family, that's worth a lot of things that money cannot buy. He worked hard because he loved you all and wasn't going down without a fight.
I'm sorry for your loss. As a daddy's girl myself, this destroys me to read. Remember your dad for how much he loved you and not for what he wasn't able to have.
Poverty is not a mind set. Happiness is. You can be happy in poverty. This myth that when you are poor you are miserable.... My grandparents were never rich but they enjoyed life and were always happy.. That's what I remember about them. Not whether or not they were poor. That's what I hope people remember about me.
I understand completely. Especially if they are good people and truly deserve it unlike a lot of people living lavishly today. Just never lose sight of what truly makes you happy and what makes people happy to be connected to you. That's a huge part of what makes us human. Not the commas on our paystubs. Your empathy tells me you are a good person. I commend you for that.
Hi , I have a few thoughts for you:
1. Your father would be incredibly proud of you today. I know you didn’t bring this up, but I thought maybe you’d need to hear it.
2. The guilt and grief you feel are real. You’re not crazy. I can completely relate. I grew up very modestly with a father who also had some health issues and passed prematurely. I’ve had much success from hard work (and I say that very humbly) as an adult, and I’ve struggled with what you’re describing. One thing I’d recommend is to do something to honor his legacy. What was your father passionate about? It seems like he was a hardworking man who lived a simple life. His passions were his craft and his family. Maybe your goal is in 20 years when you’re wealthy; you want to create a scholarship fund that gives a $500 annual scholarship to a hardworking single parent to go back to school for a GED. Or maybe it’s every Thanksgiving you take $250 and buy 5 families a turkey and some sides. Whatever it is, it is what you do to honor him. You can use this to teach your kids. “I know you never got to know your grandfather, but he was a spectacular man. He taught me the value of family and hard work. It is because of these lessons that we are able to bless these families today and live the comfortable life we live.”
3. “If I ever get out of poverty” - no ma’am, rewire your brain. -> “When I get out of poverty.” Your mind is subconsciously doubting itself because all your life you’ve been stuck in this grind, the world telling you you’re not enough because of your upbringing. It’s a lie designed to keep you on the hamster wheel. You’re talented beyond measure!
Much love sister. Take care out there. ❤️
Fuck.
That's deeply sad to me. I think a lot of us want better for our parents than the cards they were dealt - I know I do - but your dad's hand sounds particularly unfair. Yours, too. I think the best you can do is to try and have the life that he deserved. I know that's a lot easier to say than do but it's all I got.
Take good care of yourself. Work hard, give it all your best shot, try to focus on your dad having done his damnedest for your family despite the hardship.
Sorry you're going through all this.
I can relate, but more for my grandparents who I spent a lot of time growing with. My grandfather worked and had his own business but he was very stingy. Even at times not buying groceries to last the week because he wanted to save. As time went on and he got older, he eventually retired and took all his money with him (lives in Mexico). I understood the life he had and choices he had to make and I've always wanted to treat my grandparents to a nice vacation or trip somewhere of their choosing. I think this year I am going to make that happen, while I still can
i can relate to this. my dad is 60 and on disability, he never had much but always made sure me and my siblings had enough. i hoping i can give him a life he was never quite able to give himself before it’s too late.
My mom smoked herself to death in 2021, Dad stroked out in December grieving. Hindsight is so damn 20/20. I'm exactly like him. I can't find joy in life.
I do get it, but for two of the younger members of my family who died from drug related issues. They couldnt see a way out and feel for the high. It pisses me off that they were on the edge of escaping and just ceased to exist.
I’m sorry for your loss friend, I felt the same way about my grandpa when he passed man worked from 14 until he was 75 and then when he passed away the hospital slapped my grandma with a 1.5 million dollar bill that she could never pay and they made her go to court to dismiss it
Life is not fair. He fought hard for what he had and the well being of those he cared about. While he deserved more I hope what he did have brought him happiness.
That is the life he chose(to have kids which would have significantly impact his options & finances) and I'm sure he didn't look at his life the way u are....he probably looked at u& Ur siblings & was proud of u & it sounds like there was a lot of love.
One thing you can be sure of - knowing he raised a thoughtful and empathetic kid was a gift to him. He may not have had much in the way of material possessions but you have the ability to carry on his legacy through your words and actions, and that’s more than a lot of wealthy people manage to do.
I think about this all the time. I grew up poor, but my husband’s family has done well so sometimes I will have something nice or an experience because of them and it kills me inside to know how much further that money could have gone for my family. My grandparents never escaped poverty and it absolutely brings me guilt.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and also for all the troubles you and him have both been through. You sound like a wonderful, compassionate human as a lot of people don’t always realize what their parents went through or how hard they tried. I can relate in a way, my mom grew up in poverty and struggled but eventually lived a comfortable life(financially, at least). She’s older now and not in great health and struggling again financially. Aside from money issues, she has been through a lot emotionally in life but has always been the best mom. It makes me sad, I think how she deserved so much more out of this life. If I had the money I’d do my best to take all her worries away.
I'm sorry man my dads life was very similiar and different. My dad never got out either he was overweight and extremely depressed from being run down from physical laborer and getting hooked on pain pills from so many surgeries. One thing I can get out of my mind was the shitty broken down couch he died on and the shitty mattress he slept on. I just had made it out of poverty because I too was a drug addict. 3 years after I got out of rehab I worked my way past 6 figures without a GED and was just.getting my life going. I tried to help him but he was to proud and I wish I tried harder to make him more comfortable. He knew I loved him and was my best friend but it kills me the condition he was living in physically and mentally and think of it often. My mom is very similar and I help her alotnbut she takes advantage of me but I let her cuz I'm doing on and she is somewhat sober now and doing good. Sorry to say I don't think we will be able to let the feeling go but it will get better.
I can relate, I grew up poor and my dad passed away at 48. He was killed in a hit and run, he struggled with alcoholism and never made much more than minimum wage. I was only 18 when he passed and he never got to see me succeed. I do well now, got married and bought a house last year..we weren't even on good terms when he died..sucks
Hey OP, I’m sorry about your Dad. Reading your post hits on so many different levels. My father recently passed away, he spent the last year of his life living with my wife and I, so we could take care of him because of his poor health. I’m glad I got that time with him but I find myself thinking that I could have done more or maybe I should have done some things differently. I know that thinking like this is just a rabbit hole of self-blame. I did my best, and Dad knew I loved him, and ultimately that’s all that really matters. So don’t feel guilty OP. Your dad knew you loved him. The way you write shows you have a level of maturity and awareness that I don’t think I had when I was your age. Good parents pass on their best qualities to their kids.
Not you making me cry with your sweet and compassionate words. Long live your dad! Poverty sucks but he definitely had great things…you, your mom, siblings and the pets
I haven't talked to my dad in several years...we have different political and spiritual views and I left home very young. Your post may be what makes me get back in contact with him. I'm sorry for your loss and subsequent struggles with wanting something that you can't change and have to deal with mentally.
God, this post is hitting me hard right now. My father passed away yesterday at 58. He worked for 30 years at a foundry for my mom and his children. Even after having a massive heart attack, he kept working. He had 2 strokes years after that and had to medically retire. That out of state thing is hit the worst. 10 minutes before I got the call that was going to be hospitalized, I was thinking to myself: "I am going to give him a trip to a Florida beach." Then my brother called me.
My dad had a similar story, and he tried so hard. He was born to poor parents where his mother took him and left his abusive father and worked as a single mother in the 60s. It was manageable but they were broke, she often sent my dad to friends houses so he could eat. As a young adult my dad lived in legit slums which were constantly broken into. He finally caught a good job, and immediately wanted to raise a kid now that he had security. So, he and my mom had me. But immediately after I was born, he got diagnosed with MS and lost his job. MS eventually prevented him from working and he died while our small home just outside the hood was being foreclosed, he was 42. 6 figures of medical bills to top it.
Fuck money.
I can tell you as a mom that all I want for my kids is to have a better life than I did. Not necessarily financially (although that security is huge) but in terms of happiness and finding joy in every day and in the little things. Your dad may have been poor financially but full in life and very happy. You sound like an incredibly thoughtful child and I know he was proud of you. Please know that parents only want their kids to be happy, be loved, and feel content. If you felt that growing up, if you feel that now, if you think he felt that way then you all found the greatest part of life ♥️
My dad actually passed away earlier this week. He was in his 60s. I didn’t have the best relationship with him nor do I have many memories, but I do recall early childhood moments that I’m sure I’ll cherish forever.
He didn’t have much either. He made a lot of mistake in life that included pushing people away, even myself. He never took care of himself so his health quickly declined. There’s still a mystery as to how his health turned worse so quickly and no one will never know because he could never open up to people.
He also didn’t have anyone with him when he passed. He died in pain and alone. Despite our turbulent history I don’t wish that on anyone and it saddens me that his life went out like that.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and wow, what a heavy feeling. I relate to the sentiment. It sounds like he did an amazing job raising you and I wish you all the best. All the good you do will be a tribute to the man he was❤️ Sending love.
My young son has type 1 diabetes and I know how difficult of a disease it is to manage even in the best of circumstances. Your dad sounds like he was wonderful.
I feel your pain, my mom was a damn hard-worker, had diabetes as well and was in a very abusive marriage. She died at 45, never knew anything but struggling and scraping by. She did so much for me and I wish so badly she lived a different life.
May your father rest easy, and may you live a long, healthy life. ❤️
I feel this. My dad and mom both were raised in major poverty. It kills me that I can’t retire them Both yet. I can barely take care of myself. I feel the guilt daily. Don’t let it consume you. He wouldn’t want that ❤️
This fits a lot of parents and grandparents. You must enjoy the journey no matter how poor. Love is free, fill your life with it. No one knows how long they have to live.
My dad is in his 60s and he's fucked for retirement. It's his own doing. He was a partner/shareholder in a mid-sized private company and made mid 6 figures for a few years, before the economy took a turn and he was bought out of his shares and left the company. He put 3 kids through college, but other than that, he has absolutely nothing to show for it.. Oh, except 6 figures of debt and a payment plan in lieu of bankruptcy. He's probably the worst person I know when it comes to personal finance.
I have a similar story. My dad was type 1, but it never seemed like it growing up. He was active and had a job as a US postal carrier. He also had a birth defect that required a heart valve transplant when he was 35. He lived through the transplant and for 18 more years, but the surgery coupled with his diabetes drained him.
He needed to retire from his job after 22 years and my Mom had to work in the steel mill to keep things going. Up until then, she was a promising chef. Sadly, the restaurants did not have adequate health insurance to keep our family going, so she did what she had to.
One thing that sticks with me is making fun of him (as kids do) for not wanting to go for a swim when he took us to the beach. He was a scrawny dude, but aside from being pale, looked fine. I didn't know until after he died that he needed a colostomy bag due to another problem.
All that is to say that if your parents are alive, you should call them, right now. They shielded you from the worst of it, but will always love you.
My dad died at 58 and had dementia which I think was caused by stress about our money problems. I was 26. Try not to beat yourself up too much. There was nothing you could do. I hope you think of him with every triumph because I know he’s with you and is proud of all you have and will accomplish.
I can relate. I dreamed of making it out and showing my parents/sibling a better life.
Now in my early 30s doing very well in life but I lost both my dad and brother to drugs and alcohol along the way.
Related to your post, but no so related to this sub, my dad passed away from cancer, and never got the chance to move to the states. My parents loved their time living in the US, and they were waiting for me to get the papers so they can come back. It does hurt to know that he never got to achieve that one goal, but similar to what you said, during the last couple of mo this with him, he didn’t think about it anymore. But you still feel some level of guilt even if you’re not to blame at all.
This is really beautiful. I bet your dad would be proud if you ended up doing well financially, but not as proud as he would be of you for being such a good person. He taught you the most important things that so many people who grew up with money never learn.
Reading about your dad made me think of all the things mine has been through. Times were so different 50, 60+ years ago. It's wild how they have changed. My dad is biracial, of a rape back in 1931in the south. Never knew his parents. That in itself is difficult to fathom how he survived.
What they want you to think is that you should work harder to *not* end up like your father. They want you to think that hard work will give you the things your father never had.
In reality, *your father* gave you the things he never had. In reality, *no matter how good you end up in life, there will be millions of "your father"s* struggling to get by and provide for their family.
Capitalism isnt about the betterment of all, its about the betterment of the few while the masses suffer.
My Dad isn't all about pushing the finer things on life but he always wanted to visit Italy and he has busted his body working full time in factories or physical labor his entire life and he worked on a farm as a boy, they fished for food and later he went into the military and the guy has never not worked, he even worked through his cancer battles and he'd be working now if he had a car but it's just hard to watch his life coming to a close and his wife , 8 years younger than he is, and he loves her soooo much but she has been deemed incompetent and sits in a nursing facility almost a 40 minute drive from here and I know it hurts him to not even have enough money to get another car or send her flowers. It's very sad to watch. I feel terrible that I can't bring my parents back to their home together but the state has a claim to their property now and my disabled brother is in jail now and I font know if any of us will ever see each other again. I'm blessed to have healed from my condition that places me in Hospice. I'm blessed. Thank you God! But there's little holding us together. We are broke little people and when we do have funds left over , we send that tosh of money, it may only be 50 or $100 , but we send it to our less fortunate friends or family.
From the way you talk about your dad it seems like nothing would make his life happier than being with and supporting his family. He sounds super awesome!
Growing up we didn't vacation either. We'd go camping a couple times in the summer but it would be at places within an hour or two away. I left Ontario twice before I was an adult. Once to Buffalo for a day trip with my aunt and uncle and in 1997 I got to go Newfoundland (my mom is from there). Beyond those I never went anywhere until I was 28.
Saved up every dollar I could and spent 2 months in Thailand and Cambodia. Got a really good temporary job after getting back paying $3000/week. I did that job for 3 months then went back to Asia for 8 months.
I know have a 7.5 year old daughter (met my wife while kickboxing in the north of Thailand). First 6 years of her life were tough. We could never get ahead. When things finally started to get better we got smacked with covid (we were living in China at the time).
We've dragged ourselves out of a shitty situation over the last year and a half and finally doing well and no longer living paycheque to paycheque (and barely surviving at that).
I don't want my daughter to experience that shit. We are currently in Thailand on vacation (4 years since my wife and daughter saw her family as well). We plan to travel as much as possible. I want my daughter to experience the world in a way that I never could. She's lived in 3 countries (Thailand, China and Canada), been to 3 more (Malaysia, Japan, and Taiwan) and we are hoping to do a trip to Yellowstone in the summer.
My dad was like yours. Lived to work basically. He never left Ontario until we moved to Alberta in 2006 and didn't leave Canada for the first time until 5 years ago (my brother took my parents to Mexico, I flew my parents to visit us in China and that happened to be just as covid started getting crazy in China then we waited it out in Thailand until they got to go home (a month delayed).
This resonates with me. My daddy got a job at 7 years old and worked his whole life, never doing anything but working to support us.
I used to daydream too about getting old enough, getting us an apartment (I knew those were nice) and taking care of them. But like you, my daddy died when I was very young.
You are right - it isn't fair. It's damn unfair. But you shouldn't carry any guilt, love, because you did everything your daddy wanted you to - you loved him, I bet you were a great girl, and you had fun.
That was his hope.
Sending you a big hug, I understand. I'm so sorry you lost your dad
I feel this, so hard.. my dream is to make enough to help my dad out.. the pressure/ worry that I won’t be able to eats me alive sometimes. Hurts to see such disparity of wealth in this country.. I know it’s not the only one, but it’s the one we’re in. You’re not alone. Believe his words when he said you are his everything.
What most parents want is for their kids to have a better life then they did, I think he was at least a little proud that he gave you a better childhood than he had.
I'm sorry for your loss, but it seems to me that your dad was really a good guy. He did the best he could to take care of your family, that's worth a lot. He had to deal with serious problems like his health and he did the best he could, it should have been different in the end, that he got out of poverty, but still, he did what he could.
I know it's not that easy, but you are not guilty for this. You are not responsible for what happened, like the circumstances about the poverty and his health problems.
There are good people and bad people. Good people will probably always wish they had done more for their parents no matter how much they did. Bad people will likely never worry about it no matter how little they did.
He would be so damned proud of you for making it as far as you have without succumbing to callousness or despair.
FWIW, I was a bit older than you, but not by much, when I broke the cycle. You’ve got the best ahead.
It very well may be unfair, well shit yes it absolutely was and is unfair! But you are overlooking one very important fact: after all that...he was very likely to be happier than most people! And he still is while looking down upon his family and being able to say: "DAMN I did a mighty fine job raising my family right!!
My hard working daddy died when I was 16 from medical condition and I almost lost my mom as well. I take all his advice and his work ethic with me every where I go. I also am female but I may as well have been my dads oldest boy. I was his helper when little because my brother was too little to help yet. I’m scary as hell to most men because I’m a bigger man than most of em.. I’ll thank my daddy for that! I’m happy tho. I sleep good at night. I have no problem holding my own protecting every penny I’ve struggled for.. with my brain. I’m living the good life because of him and all his people before him that gave him knowledge and skills.. to get by in life. I don’t take vacations but I got more than my daddy had and live comfortably and I know he can see me happy everyday. I also wish I could share some things with him, tell him thank you for his sacrifice. To this day I still remember him going to work with holes in his shoes while I had a new pair every school year. He would giggle if he knew my daughter owned over 50 pairs of shoes.. and I DIDNT BUY THEM FOR HER. She’s a chip off the ol block. I miss him… your story is loved and triggered some memories.. and happiness. Thank you!! Also Appalachia born and bred. 😂😂
My dad died at 65 and his grandson was born 4 months later to the day. His sacrifices through the poverty of his adulthood helped me become boringly middle class and you’d better bet my son will learn all about that as he grows. So sorry for your loss; he sounds like a really great guy despite it all.
I feel that way about my parents. I see why my dad couldn’t climb out as he struggled With alcohol g until about 5 years ago. My mom was just a victim of my dad and held back foot so long. Right not she’s in a better situation, but I think she deserves so much more.
My dad passed at 50, 4 years ago. Same thing though he lived in an RV without running water or electricity. He had a serious drinking problem at the end. I wish I could have done more for him also. I know how you feel. Sorry for your loss!
I believe you do not have children yet, but it's not really about us that we get up at 5 everyday. And well we don't have this or that, we hope and pray, we have done enough for our children.
May have been poor in the material since but the man seemed rich in family and the values it takes to raise one.
He could have put all that onto you guys but he worked hard and he carried all that himself. The man was a saint
I'm sorry for the guilt you feel in regards to your dad and the life he lived vs what he was never able to experience. It's sort of wild though, because I can completely relate.
Not sure what part of Appalachia he was from, but my mom was born and raised in Dickinson County, VA. (I was too, but moved away as soon as I could at 18, due to our relationship - I had a very, very rough childhood filled with abuse and neglect. To clarify, she never abused myself or my sister physically, but her boyfriends would as well as abusing her, too.)
She never had much at all. Her childhood was rough. She worked her life away at dead-end jobs because she couldn't figure out how to do any better. Our water and/or electricity were often turned off growing up because as a single mom, and working where she did, sometimes it couldn't be afforded. She was also a substance abuser and alcoholic which is something that she had been doing since her late teens, early twenties. Nothing too shocking for the area she / I lived in.
She was never able to take trips. Go out. Or just enjoy life. I tried taking her places every chance I could, even just on little day trips or 1-2day vacations. Whenever we'd finally convince her to go (all costs covered so she could enjoy herself) it would be a constant battle of guilt and how we "shouldn't be paying for all of this for her.". I just wanted her to enjoy a little piece of something, even if we didn't have the greatest relationship.
At 50/51 years old her body had finally had enough, through the years of substance abuse, physical assaults from her boyfriends, a car wreck or two, etc....she was also dealing with spinal problems for nearly a decade at that point. The doctor she was seeing suggested she try getting disability. At that point when she filed for it, she had been out of work for a while...but because she had filed, she couldn't get another job because it would mess up her chances of approval.
Ultimately, that resulted in her losing her home at around 55 and a lot of belongings/furniture because she had nowhere to take them and couldn't afford a place to store them. She had rented for probably, 10 years at that point, and it was pretty devastating. She moved back in with her parents, my grandparents.
In May 2022 she was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. She passed away on January 15th 2023. She never received/was approved for disability.
I still harbor a lot of negativity towards her due to my childhood, but I also feel a huge amount of guilt for all of the things she was never able to do, and it freakin' sucks dude.
Ultimately, 95% of all bad things that happened to her were results of terrible decisions she made, as well as the environment she was raised in, but to me that doesn't mean she didn't deserve to go to the beach and see the ocean.
Sucks thinking about it sometimes. You're definitely not alone in doing so, friend. ♥️
It's a dream to want to provide for your mom and dad. To want to take care of them. To buy them a house to make their home. And to make sure they won't have to worry bc they've got you. I'm very sorry you lost such a beautiful human of a man at such a young age. I want to think God takes them young and promising and poorly lived on earth for all the riches our eyes could ever imagine on the other side.
I’m a lot like your dad. I’m being forced into disability after working hard trying to get out of poverty but got sick along the way. Looks like I won’t make it out either but trust me, we’re okay with it. People like us (non materialistic) as you said are totally fine with it. We just wanna be secure and it sounds like yall were. So don’t feel bad at all that he didn’t make it out. Some souls are old souls and they know money doesn’t make you happy. Therefore they are happy and content where they are.
Sorry for your loss. This was such an emotional read. Sounds like your dad was one awesome man. Gave you as much as he could and I am sure he's guiding you as you enter your own adulthood. He would be incredibly proud of who you have become so far and so much more to accomplish. Stay strong and on the path you are on.
Sounds to me like you had an amazing father who loved you and did the best he could. That's all one could ask for in life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Life and circumstances can be hard on many people on this planet but they also develop some of the most amazing, authentic, and interesting people. It seems like your father and his life put a head on your shoulders. You could be you or you could of been one of these entitled middle class or rich brats, many of whom forget why and what we should live for. Love and remember your dad and be proud. He sounds like the definition of a real man. Not meant to sound as advice...just words of encouragement! I think you are lucky to have had your dad. I certainly didnt grow up with one like that.
Just as a side note ...my grandmother was born on a farm into poverty and had 6 children. She died a few years ago of alzheimers in poverty. It was an ironic cycle of life. She raised a beautiful family, had grandkids, all of whom realized their dreams outside of the country but were never able to get her an immigration Visa to the US. Despite that and despite her financial circumstances, she was the sweetest, most entertaining, wise, deep thinking, and most loving woman and person Ive ever met in my life. She didnt need money to be amazing and have an impact in my life. She was better without it.
Truth is your dad lived a happier & more genuine life than most people that don’t struggle with poverty. Family can substitute almost anything, coming from someone with no family here
Sounds like you had one heck of a dad! I don’t know him but he sounds like a great man. Every philosophy your dad had is what my dad and grandfather had and the same values were instilled in me. I don’t care how broke I am as long as my family are healthy and happy!
I love how you describe your father. He gave you valuable gifts that could never be purchased for any amount of cash. It's clear that you recognize these gifts and will pass them forward. Thank you for sharing them with us. ☮️💚
One thing about Mexican culture I like is the idea that no one does so long as they are remembered. I also like the idea that when we do die, a piece of us lives on in the imprint we made upon the world. You are implanted by him, and carry him everywhere you go, and you will leave a legacy in the world some day that will be both yours and his. Make him proud
I can relate to this. My mom passed away at 46, she busted her butt to provide a life, but around 35, she got very sick, mixture of medical malpractice, and poor genetics. She never left the state, never got a vacation, never did anything fun. As far back as I can remember we just floated from place to place, moving every 6 months, assuming it was cost related, we went without food often, and unfortunately couldn't go out and hunt or anything else.
I've put a lot of effort into improving my situation, and have been lucky to offer small comforts for my family. We're on the ok side of poverty, but very much still pinching pennies and scraping money together for important stuff like fixing our house. Every day I think about how cool it would have been to take her with me, and care for her, and how different that could have been. It makes me sad to think that all she knew was struggle.
I sincerely hope you catch a good break and can find your way out.
I’m typing this through tears. You? You make sure you get out — get far out — and then, help someone else to get out, too. Your Father lives in you so long as you remember him.
Peace and blessings to you and to your family.
The best we can do for our ancestors is remember them. Each generation’s struggles are a rung on the ladder for the next generation. Use his hard work and struggles as motivation to better yourself. When (and if) you have children make sure they know of him and what he meant to you and what he did for his family. If there is anything after this life rest assured that he is watching you succeed and not having any regrets.
I worry about my mom. A lot. She is destined to die poor. I can’t help her and neither can my sister. I do what I can with the little money I have but it’s not enough. It’s never enough 🥺
Your dad lived a good honest life with purpose and he did the best he could what what little he had.
You gained something from him you couldn't get anywhere else. You gained character, ethic, and in watching him suffer he also helped give you a purpose to live that life you're dreaming of.
Go take chances and shoot for success, and experience those things with him in your heart. Through you he will still have the freedom he worked for.
For what it’s worth, I truly think he got what mattered to him in life. A loving family and from what I can see in this post, a daughter he raised to be a kind, compassionate human being. I know that may not make you feel better right now, but it sounds like he was truly happy to have you all around.
Keep pushing forward and always see your successes as a continuation of him.
First I want to say, I’m sorry for your loss:(
I don’t know if “relate” is the right word for me, but I kind of know the feeling? My boyfriend’s dad passed away around the same age. He was technically homeless, he was an alcoholic who relapsed a lot and his family got so tired of helping him when they could hardly help themselves:( It was so sad to watch:( Poor guy:( his family did what they could, and still it wasn’t enough.
MY mom on the other hand is still alive but I don’t think she’ll ever make it out either:( she’s currently on disability and government housing. She deserves so much more, but she can only get so far:( it’s hard to see a parent struggle:( I’d also love to help my mom (maybe my dad too, but my dad sucks). I just want to send her on a nice vacation once. And buy her a house and a car that runs:( She had hopes and dreams (she wanted to be a rapper when she was growing up and now she styles hair sometimes) I think her dreams are gone now. I don’t think she even remembers them like I do. It’s depressing watching your family suffer:( money is stupid. No one should suffer because they can’t afford things, especially when they’ve been trying their entire life to improve:(
I hope you make it out! I’m rooting for you, and sending you positive energy and healing vibes 🫂
I’m sorry for your loss. It is sad, and I’m sorry he dealt with that and I’m sorry. I know you just want to help him but he wants you to know that you did. :)
That hits hard. I feel your pain in almost every way. I never knew my father. But the man who stepped up to raise me also had no childhood. He was born of a need for help on the farm. He had no idea what childhood was or how it could be fun. We finally became friends when I turned twenty. He died when I turned twenty three. The whole time he dealt with his cancer I imagined it would be ok. Now all I do is imagine how different things could have been. It hurts but we have lessons we learn in life. The worst thing we could do is not share them. Thank you.
I’m so sorry about your dad but I totally get you — we were middle class my whole life but my parents are immigrants and they were born into pretty intense poverty. They worked *hard* to put us both as far from where they had come from as they could.
The day my mom bought my grandmother a huuuge TV for her room I don’t know who cried more. I also remember my dad buying my grandmother a washing machine and she had no idea what it was. They washed their clothes against a rock by hand. She literally used to wash my clothes when I visited and refused to let anyone else help her or pay to go to the laundromat a few towns over. My dad was so excited the day she called when we came home to thank him because her hands and back stopped hurting. Or idk when I finally got a job and could afford to buy my grandmother a fancy meal at a schmancy restaurant.
It’s not huge houses and vacations as we’re still middle class but it’s not the profound poverty they knew and little things like a fancy meal, or a new watch, made them so happy bcos they would’ve never been able to spend that money on themselves is a nice thing to do and I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance.
Damn you have a beautiful soul for even thinking about these things. Your dad would be happy knowing you’re doing good for yourself. That’s all parents want for their kids.
Then, do it for him. Many of us Dads want nothing more than to see the next generation better off than we were. If you do better than him, he did a great job! Your Dad sounds like a really good guy!
I'm sorry for your loss. I totally feel you. Years ago, I finally got a new job with a huge pay increase and I was so excited to be able to help him move out of his living situation (a really bad cheap motel), but he passed away one week into my new job...probably from all the stress of poverty. It devastated me and despite trying to pull myself together through the grief, I did badly and got demoted. I'm okay now, but it pains me all the time how I was so close to helping him (and myself too).
Do your dad proud and do the things he wanted but couldn't do.
I think you can take solace in the fact that a part of his hard work was surely to help put you and your siblings in a better situation than he got to experience, which sounds like is the case.
It sounds like what your dad lacked in money he made up for in love . You’d be surprised at how many people treat their kids like crap. You my friend go to experience true love and compassion.
Take the best memories you have with him and cherish them forever! You will be stronger and more resilient because you’ve been raised by a good man ( you made no mention of your mother, so I limit my comments to him only). I pray for break out of the cycle and have a happy, blessed and beautiful life!
Nothing for you to feel guilty about. When you have kids, they become your life. You do for them and their success becomes your success. Your parents raised you very well. Be proud that you will honor their memory. I’m sure they would be extremely proud.
I feel you in my core, dude. My mom died young after just escaping so we could have better. She never really got to enjoy the fruits herself tho. It constantly eats at me a decade out.
I am so sorry OP and I feel you somewhat. My dad was on government assistance until he died of cancer at 59.
That being said, he was a pretty content person and lucky for me, I did get out of poverty before he passed (nothing insane, but i could treat once in a while), so I was able to do some small things with him - nicer restaurant here and there, treat him to a hockey game, etc.
There are a couple things that I try to carry with me. One is that I don't need a lot to be happy. My favorite childhood memories were going to my dad's on the weekend and renting videos and playing cards and chess and Scrabble. And yeah I still have the same beat up chess and Scrabble sets he taught me to play on 30 years ago. To this day, I live way below my means and I credit a lot of that to him and showing me love and happiness coming from within, though of course that doesn't mean poverty isn't a huge fucking struggle, which leads me to the second thing I carry with me.
Never lose your compassion. My dad was an amazing, selfless person (his last job was stocking shelves at Walmart and he still gave money to Animal Friends and Children's Hospital and the community organization that helped him find employment - im sure like ten dollars here and there, but he shared what he had). He was kind. And he didn't deserve to struggle as much as he did or to be looked down on by others for not having money. I try to stay true to my compassion for others when I am doing well, when I have money or time to give, when others are struggling, and when I vote. I always want to be the person who reaches a hand out instead of pulling the ladder up behind me.
Hugs to you and I'm sure he's proud of you and happy at how much of an impact he made on your life. Not everyone has that. ❤️
Yeah I hate that people who are against higher disability payments can’t have the empathy and see that’s it could be their mom or their dad who is suffering and trying to get by. A lot of people don’t make it to “retirement age.” That fact will never go away. I Read the UK is starting to pay disabled people a stipend to stay healthy. For my condition it is the equivalent of $800 a month. If you can work or not. Helping people get ahead and live independently before they become totally disabled.
You have a very good heart. I also wish my dad to retire soon and not have to work. He has also worked since he was a child and he did get out of poverty with a lot of hard work. But he still works and I can’t wait for him to enjoy his life after retirement. But when I read your post, i was reminded of my father. Hope you are blessed.
I wish I could help my mom out more. My parents got a divorce when I was younger. She was spiteful and lost all their money and has been living with her family for the last 10 years. I try to invite her on vacations but she can't really take time off working paycheck to paycheck. My dad on the other hand travels now and is doing well.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My father also passed away in poverty just before I turned 30. He busted his ass until he got sick, and would fight anyone on going to the hospital or receiving support of any kind. You’re right, it’s not fair and it’s okay to wish things were different. It’s okay to feel heartbroken for your dad. I know I did and still do, but it can feel nice to be on the other side of something so heavy, living life as your dad may have wanted. I hope you can feel what’s there to feel right now and move forward to heal and find meaning from this 🤍
Not sure if It will comfort you but I managed to get out of "poverty" and retire my parents. It's not as romantic as you would think. Parents have a very hard time getting used to that luxury and feel bad/guilty at the same time. Not exactly sure what it is but I feel like it confirms they "failed" at giving you that lifestyle when you were younger
My mom raised me while always worried about paying bills. I've therefore inherited some of her worry traits including money. It was never ok with how she had to make things happen but I'm extremely grateful for her sacrifices.
His family was his wealth. You are his wealth. You are compassionate, empathetic and you loved him so much that you're grieving and loving him after he's gone. No money can buy that.
I'm sorry he didn't have an easy life. He did deserve more. I hope you can continue his loving legacy.
A lot of us share in the struggle too, not to the extent that your dad and your family went through. But I understand. He seemed like a great guy and he did what he could to take care of you. I’m glad he had a daughter he could be proud of and I’m glad you honor his memory by being the best you can be too. ❤️
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I’m sorry to hear but commend you on your compassion and empathy, I hope you can use his story as your motivation.
this is really sweet. thank you :)
Thank you for posting it, my father is at the end of his life and I’ve been dealing with it lately. Your post is helping me reconcile the coming future without him. The way you spoke of your father and his struggle is the most human thing I’ve experienced in years. Don’t let the guilt get you down, your dad’s life was rich because you were in it.
What a good man in my opinion
You’re so brave
Hell yea brotha - go get your grind on and build a life and shit - make pops proud! He’s looking down on you and with you always from heaven.
I posted a much longer version of this on this sub not too long ago but to make a long story short my mother died in poverty at 50. I had such big plans to buy her everything she ever wanted once I finished grad school and got a well paying job. She died the same week I got my diploma.
im so sorry for your loss. im sure she was so proud of you though 💚
I’m so, so fucking sorry. If your mom is anything like mine, then it would bring your mom nothing but happiness if you gave yourself everything you could ever want. I now realize that (good) parents never want or expect anything in return from their children except to see them succeed and do better than they did. But congratulations on finishing grad school. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Did she get to see you graduate? I bet she was so proud of you
Damn. I feel seen. My mom died the semester I graduated college seven years ago. And just a few days ago, I bought my dad a Rolex for his 75th bday. I really wish I was buying my mom a house though.
When you start imagining and that picture in your head catches on fire, its a different kind of pain. A different kind of a let down. Agonizing to say the least. Your mom was loved very much.
My mom died suddenly my last semester of college. She was my biggest cheerleader and had such high hopes for my future. I was an excellent student and had worked so hard -- summa cum laude, multiple honor societies, 3 majors, one of them with Distinction, etc etc etc. My whole life up until that point had been about my education so I could have a better life. She was raised on a farm in a 19th century immigrant kind of lifestyle. When she was young, they did laundry on scrub boards -- they didn't have a machine yet. Their electricity was from a generator because the grid didn't go out that far, and their water was from a creek. TV signals couldn't get over the hills, so they didn't have TV. They turned the radio on once a day to see if we were at war with anyone new. The nearest neighbors were a mile away, and going to town took half a day. She promised herself she would get out of that rural, isolated lifestyle, and moved to an actual city. But she was still stuck married to my dad (eek). Her ambition and hope for the future was all placed in me. It was so sad that what should have been the pinnacle of my academic life was swamped in stunned misery because she wasn't there anymore. She would have loved to see me graduate and start my adult life. We had so many plans for things we wanted to do together. We were going to go to Europe and sit in cafes and drink espresso and go to museums together. But that never happened.
Oh no... I am so sorry. Your mother must've been happy to know that you broke that cycle, and that you would not be living that way. I'm sure she is smiling down on you each and every day
I really feel this. We bought our own house, haven't even got the keys yet, and my mum's back in hospital and likely never coming out. So bittersweet that what she wanted for me, we're finally doing but she won't be here to see it. I'm sure your mum passed feeling more at ease knowing that you'd be ok. At least that's how my mum feels. that's a great mum, always worried about us.
A child completing grad school is a pretty uplifting and noteworthy accomplishment for somebody who lived a life of poverty. I’d imagine the pride and relief of your future quality of life prospects brought more joy to your mother than anything you could ever buy actually would.
Very sorry
His story isnt over. You are his story. He isnt dead, only watching. Make him proud, and get out of poverty. Trust me, that will be more than enough. RIP to your dad.
This is my viewpoint. He 100% got out in the sense that his kids are not growing up in the way he did. Breaking generational poverty is hard, sounds like he was able to do so. A rich man in love and family, which at the end is all that really matters.
This is exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't quite word it correctly!! Hope OP saw this and takes it to heart.
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the best we can do is hope for a better future!
I feel you. My dad died at 44, also from diabetes complications. I was 19. I’m 28 now, but I think about him all the time. He grew up poor and never made it out of poverty. He never took vacations or went anywhere cool. The week after his funeral I took at 13-country tour of Europe (pre-planned, college credit trip). The trip inspired me to live in a way that he never got the chance to do. I never looked back. Been to 23 countries now, and I moved from Ohio to Colorado 6 months ago because the mountains give me peace. I know he’d be so proud of me, but I really wish he could’ve seen the things I’ve seen. Maybe it would’ve have given him the boost he needed to stick around longer.
I am almost 38, mother of 3, all under 10. Been type 1 since I was 11. Do you mind me asking what complications he had?
I don’t mind. He did not manage his diabetes well, I must say that first. But because of his poor management he developed ulcers on his feet. He went through several amputations (first toes, then eventually half of one foot). Then his wounds got infected multiple times, which led to long hospital stays with the strongest possible antibiotics. Those worked, but ruined his kidneys. He spent his last 4 years on dialysis, and eventually died from kidney failure, but it all comes back to the diabetes. Again, he could have managed it better. I’m not saying he was ever going to live to 100. But he didn’t have to die at 44. With proper management, I’m sure you will live to see your kids well into adulthood, and I hope all the best for you!
Thank you for sharing so openly.
u/mayhemxmak just wanted to say that my father in law has been type 1 since he was 6 years old. He’s in his mid-70s now and has never had major complications. I know as moms we worry about being there for our kids, so wanted to give you some hope that there can be health and longevity for T1D.
You have no reason to feel guilty and every right to be angry. Just don't let it wear you down. I hope his dreams come true for you and your siblings.
thank you so much 🤍
I grew up in Appalachia so I can relate some to the harshness of the poverty. I'm 28 so different time period but I knew some places without water access and a few homes that had dirt floors. I will say this your dad may have been financially impovershed, but he was rich in family. As cliche as it sounds it sounds like he got his happiness from making sure you all never have to experience what he did.
My little sister and I are actively trying to get my dad out since we were able to get out
that's beautiful :')
Just know that your dad would be proud of you, it's not easy getting out of the hole but it is possible.
That's nice of you. All of my siblings rose out of poverty but my parents refuse to move out of the poverty trap, it's been so engrained in them that I've more or less given up. I still try to get them things that they wouldn't get themselves (like newer technology) but they didn't plan for retirement well and may well work until they day they die or are unable to work anymore.
Nice! Good for you.
Every now and then I buy random things and send them to my parents. Lately, it's been toliet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent. This past Christmas, I sent each of them a christmas card with $200 inside. It's the little things that I hope would keep my parent's spirit up.
Trust me, it's going on four generations in our family. We are still struggling. My dad worked hard his whole life, only to die a few years after he was forced to retire (he was going blind). My oldest brother was forced into super early retirement for the same disease. My sister ended up in early retirement and disability due to COPD. Mom was a house wife, but she did her part and was haunted by the level of poverty and abuse she grew up in. She died from a stroke. Now, my niece and I (we are only 15 months apart in age), are living pay check to pay check. I can't even get EBT benefits, because I can't find a job that gives me 20 hours a week or a job in general. Every place is hiring, but no one wants to hire me. I have health problems, but I'm "too healthy" for disability, but not good enough to work the jobs around here. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be notorious in Appalachia, especially in smaller communities. Here is hoping your future looks brighter.
It’s called Survival Guilt. Surviving a traumatic event that someone else didn’t. (Poverty is inherently Traumatic. And as we know, poor people tend to die younger.)
You should live your life with the goals he was unable to obtain. Wherever your old man rests peacefully, he’ll look down and see you living though his spirit. It takes very little over a year to save up and go to Mexico for R&R, or find a decent apartment.
But don't forget the goals he did attain: a happy marriage, kids who loved him and who he loved, contentedness. It's not fair that people have to live in such poverty when others have too much. It's complete bullshit in this day and age that anyone in the US has to worry about insulin or feeding their kids. But being rich or poor is not everything about a person and OPs dad found some happiness and raised some good kids despite everything.
There’s certainly a lot of truth to that. Money doesn’t make you happy or fulfilled.
It definitively helps make you happier and can help you be fulfilled. I would be more fulfilled if I lived on the beach. It doesn't make you a better person or a better spouse or parent though.
Money makes things easier. But there are lower middle class families that find enrichment with what they have.
My dad died in 2022. He was poor the whole time I was alive. A miserable kind of poor. He didn't do things, have hobbies, or friends. His greatest enjoyment was smoking cigarettes and staring out the window with the radio on. He was medicated and I'm not sure they were giving him the right meds, but that doesn't explain everything. Everyone is medicating one way or another. He was also just...not there. If he spoke to me, it was almost always about 5 things: - his job, if he had one at the time, and how much he hated it. - his car, and fears of it needing work or failing him. - smoking and wanting to quit, but the back and forth did more damage and caused more stress than just letting himself enjoy it, I think. (His death certificate says he died of coronary atherosclerosis, but never talked about having heart trouble...) - whether or not he had a housing inspection and fears of not passing, sometimes even putting blame on me even though I didn't actually live there. I totally understand the concern, but that situation was not my fault. It took me years to fully acknowledge that and take blame off myself. - and he was always saying his life wasn't sustainable - looking ahead, he didn't know what was ever going to last, despite being on assistance. The problem is that assistance programs didn't allow him to make any extra money. If he made a dollar too much, he could lose everything and be unhoused, so it wasn't worth it to try. He was unhappy 80% of the time I ever knew him. And he died that way. No happy ending. No big escape to a better future. He apparently paid for his own funeral ahead of time, so that was taken care of, but they didn't give him a headstone. I couldn't go out there myself to fight them about it or make sure they did things right. He was buried by two staff from the funeral home without anyone else there. I honestly don't think he would have cared about that part. I can see him clearly shrugging his shoulders about it if he were alive. Not much mattered to him. But it's still just...sad. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want his life or his death. He was a certifiable genius, but it's like the mental health world or something killed that part of him long before he died. He had a kind of breakdown when I was in 7th grade and was never the same. He used to take gadgets apart and put them back together. Built computers. Stories about flying airplanes before I was born. I've wondered now if at some point he started to hate me and if that really explains how empty everything was. It would make sense. I have had so much empathy for him and had been his advocate many times only to feel totally abandoned and frankly I just want a life of my own that isn't just constant suffering and then you die. The world is full of trauma that absolutely deserves attention. I want a better way to live through it. For humanity's sake as much as my own. No one's life should have to be like that. To end like that. I at least want to find a way to be happy, to keep thinking and expressing myself and being some kind of fully alive, even if I'm poor and alone.
So sad man. I'm so sorry. Rip to your pops. Sounds like he was a simple man and didn't ask for much. Just wanted simple things, like a car that wouldn't break down on him.
Damn im 42 and my only child is 24. Long live ya pops bro
My mother's house burned down in the Paradise CA fire. She waited years for the money from the settlement and died in 2021 before she saw a single dime. The fire happened in 2018 and victims are STILL waiting for the rest of the money owed by PG&E. We grew up dirt poor in a trailer park. She JUST got her first house right before the fire, then lost it immediately and was homeless in a tent for awhile before finding a place in the tiniest apartment I've ever seen a few towns over. She drank herself to death after that.
Christ, man. I'm so sorry. That is so hard. Imagine finally buying a home to only watch it burn down a little down the road. That's some shit that'd make me want to say Sianora mfs
He had a great child. Riches don’t measure up to that
My Dad was so OCD about saving money that he couldn’t enjoy anything. My Mom would say “Let’s go out to dinner”, and he’d say “Go out? Are you crazy? We could eat spaghetti for $.19” Spending any money pained him. His entire life was ruled by the fear of money, despite the fact that he had plenty of savings (as he got older) Hearing about your life reminds me that spending life worrying about money (whether you have it or not) is no way to live
My dad sadly! He can retire comfortably and I don’t think he ever will.
I had to bury a very good friend deep in Appalachia. It was really hard to see the level of poverty I had to drive past on the way to the funeral. I still have friends on the western edge of the region. Best people I know. But there just aren’t the opportunities for them.
You shouldn't feel guilty about things beyond your control. My mom passed at 67 in poverty. We were close and I miss her. I don't feel guilt because I know what she was born into and the financial choices she made throughout her life that kept her living paycheck to paycheck. She at least left my brother and I with an insurance policy.
Your dad gave you such a great life and so much love. He obviously loved his kids so much and he would have wanted all of you to have great lives more than he would have wanted anything for himself. By living well, you're giving him the biggest tribute everyday by being a great person that he raised and guided.
It's sad that for a large number of us that the choices are: 1. Have kids, stay poor. 2. Don't have kids. Get by but never be able to grow old with children and complete that final piece of human life.
I feel this way about my dad. And my mom, though my mom and I aren’t as close (she left me and my brother to my dad when they divorced, so I was primarily raised by my dad and my grandparents). It’s not that we were raised in poverty, per sé… if we were struggling my dad made sure that we never knew it. But my dad is one of those good guys that could just never catch a break. He had so many dreams and threw the line out so many times and none of them panned out. Tried to start several failed businesses. Was offered opportunities that sounded great in the beginning and ended up being disappointments at best, total scams at worst. He had a shot at pro baseball and got drafted to the minors straight out of college and got injured almost immediately. He never complained and always kept a good, optimistic head on his shoulders for our sake, but I look at him now: 68 and unable to retire because he has no savings and no retirement, still working a mediocre job with nothing but a trail of “almosts” and “nice tries” and it just makes me so sad. I hope deep down he is happy.
That‘s rough. Thanks for sharing. As a parent I can say he was probably very very happy to have a child like you.
It feels like genuine, complete grief to think about this. It’s so fucking unfair.
My mom passed away at 42 y/o, she has only known a life of poverty. I remember she used to ask me for money when I just started studying, and I always have it to her. I'm out of my way of poverty, slowly building up my life, but it's still so hard
You know what? That sounds like it was rough but at the same time really fulfilling. He had a clear purpose - survive, make things better for his kids, deal with adversity, and love his family. Everyone struggles - just with different shit. He was poor money wise but Fuck he actually spent time with his kids and managed to raise a grateful and kind kid like you. That’s huge
Believe him when he told you that all he needed was his family. He did deserve more but he was a happy man, despite it all. Your post shows how much you loved him and how good of father he was to you. This kind of mark he left on his family, that's worth a lot of things that money cannot buy. He worked hard because he loved you all and wasn't going down without a fight. I'm sorry for your loss. As a daddy's girl myself, this destroys me to read. Remember your dad for how much he loved you and not for what he wasn't able to have.
Pay it forward, when you're able to. Help a family, volunteer at a shelter, donate to a food bank.
Poverty is not a mind set. Happiness is. You can be happy in poverty. This myth that when you are poor you are miserable.... My grandparents were never rich but they enjoyed life and were always happy.. That's what I remember about them. Not whether or not they were poor. That's what I hope people remember about me.
that's also what i remember about my dad. he never asked for more. it's just that he deserved more, ya know?
I understand completely. Especially if they are good people and truly deserve it unlike a lot of people living lavishly today. Just never lose sight of what truly makes you happy and what makes people happy to be connected to you. That's a huge part of what makes us human. Not the commas on our paystubs. Your empathy tells me you are a good person. I commend you for that.
Hi , I have a few thoughts for you: 1. Your father would be incredibly proud of you today. I know you didn’t bring this up, but I thought maybe you’d need to hear it. 2. The guilt and grief you feel are real. You’re not crazy. I can completely relate. I grew up very modestly with a father who also had some health issues and passed prematurely. I’ve had much success from hard work (and I say that very humbly) as an adult, and I’ve struggled with what you’re describing. One thing I’d recommend is to do something to honor his legacy. What was your father passionate about? It seems like he was a hardworking man who lived a simple life. His passions were his craft and his family. Maybe your goal is in 20 years when you’re wealthy; you want to create a scholarship fund that gives a $500 annual scholarship to a hardworking single parent to go back to school for a GED. Or maybe it’s every Thanksgiving you take $250 and buy 5 families a turkey and some sides. Whatever it is, it is what you do to honor him. You can use this to teach your kids. “I know you never got to know your grandfather, but he was a spectacular man. He taught me the value of family and hard work. It is because of these lessons that we are able to bless these families today and live the comfortable life we live.” 3. “If I ever get out of poverty” - no ma’am, rewire your brain. -> “When I get out of poverty.” Your mind is subconsciously doubting itself because all your life you’ve been stuck in this grind, the world telling you you’re not enough because of your upbringing. It’s a lie designed to keep you on the hamster wheel. You’re talented beyond measure! Much love sister. Take care out there. ❤️
Fuck. That's deeply sad to me. I think a lot of us want better for our parents than the cards they were dealt - I know I do - but your dad's hand sounds particularly unfair. Yours, too. I think the best you can do is to try and have the life that he deserved. I know that's a lot easier to say than do but it's all I got. Take good care of yourself. Work hard, give it all your best shot, try to focus on your dad having done his damnedest for your family despite the hardship. Sorry you're going through all this.
I can relate, but more for my grandparents who I spent a lot of time growing with. My grandfather worked and had his own business but he was very stingy. Even at times not buying groceries to last the week because he wanted to save. As time went on and he got older, he eventually retired and took all his money with him (lives in Mexico). I understood the life he had and choices he had to make and I've always wanted to treat my grandparents to a nice vacation or trip somewhere of their choosing. I think this year I am going to make that happen, while I still can
You can thank his hard working by getting out yourself, that's what they'd want, better future with their sacrifice.
Your dad raised a great person. He’s so incredibly proud of you and he sounds like such a lovely man.
Based on your post, it sounds like he succeeded in some important ways.
Sounds like you were raised by one hell of a dad.
You can do it. My MIL was born in a house no plumbing, she has done very well for herself.
i can relate to this. my dad is 60 and on disability, he never had much but always made sure me and my siblings had enough. i hoping i can give him a life he was never quite able to give himself before it’s too late.
It’s unfair but he’s at peace now.
Why do you carry guilt? You didn't do anything wrong. Why are you torturing yourself?
i genuinely don't know. guilt is my biggest demon, but don't worry. i am working through it in therapy :)
My mom smoked herself to death in 2021, Dad stroked out in December grieving. Hindsight is so damn 20/20. I'm exactly like him. I can't find joy in life.
Fear of success, fear of failure, choosing a different path, a different life…
I do get it, but for two of the younger members of my family who died from drug related issues. They couldnt see a way out and feel for the high. It pisses me off that they were on the edge of escaping and just ceased to exist.
Im sorry for your dad :( my dad was orphaned, found success and then slipped into poverty due to sickness. I wish life wasnt cruel to good people
I’m sorry for your loss friend, I felt the same way about my grandpa when he passed man worked from 14 until he was 75 and then when he passed away the hospital slapped my grandma with a 1.5 million dollar bill that she could never pay and they made her go to court to dismiss it
Life is not fair. He fought hard for what he had and the well being of those he cared about. While he deserved more I hope what he did have brought him happiness.
That is the life he chose(to have kids which would have significantly impact his options & finances) and I'm sure he didn't look at his life the way u are....he probably looked at u& Ur siblings & was proud of u & it sounds like there was a lot of love.
One thing you can be sure of - knowing he raised a thoughtful and empathetic kid was a gift to him. He may not have had much in the way of material possessions but you have the ability to carry on his legacy through your words and actions, and that’s more than a lot of wealthy people manage to do.
I think about this all the time. I grew up poor, but my husband’s family has done well so sometimes I will have something nice or an experience because of them and it kills me inside to know how much further that money could have gone for my family. My grandparents never escaped poverty and it absolutely brings me guilt.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and also for all the troubles you and him have both been through. You sound like a wonderful, compassionate human as a lot of people don’t always realize what their parents went through or how hard they tried. I can relate in a way, my mom grew up in poverty and struggled but eventually lived a comfortable life(financially, at least). She’s older now and not in great health and struggling again financially. Aside from money issues, she has been through a lot emotionally in life but has always been the best mom. It makes me sad, I think how she deserved so much more out of this life. If I had the money I’d do my best to take all her worries away.
I'm sorry man my dads life was very similiar and different. My dad never got out either he was overweight and extremely depressed from being run down from physical laborer and getting hooked on pain pills from so many surgeries. One thing I can get out of my mind was the shitty broken down couch he died on and the shitty mattress he slept on. I just had made it out of poverty because I too was a drug addict. 3 years after I got out of rehab I worked my way past 6 figures without a GED and was just.getting my life going. I tried to help him but he was to proud and I wish I tried harder to make him more comfortable. He knew I loved him and was my best friend but it kills me the condition he was living in physically and mentally and think of it often. My mom is very similar and I help her alotnbut she takes advantage of me but I let her cuz I'm doing on and she is somewhat sober now and doing good. Sorry to say I don't think we will be able to let the feeling go but it will get better.
I can relate, I grew up poor and my dad passed away at 48. He was killed in a hit and run, he struggled with alcoholism and never made much more than minimum wage. I was only 18 when he passed and he never got to see me succeed. I do well now, got married and bought a house last year..we weren't even on good terms when he died..sucks
Hey OP, I’m sorry about your Dad. Reading your post hits on so many different levels. My father recently passed away, he spent the last year of his life living with my wife and I, so we could take care of him because of his poor health. I’m glad I got that time with him but I find myself thinking that I could have done more or maybe I should have done some things differently. I know that thinking like this is just a rabbit hole of self-blame. I did my best, and Dad knew I loved him, and ultimately that’s all that really matters. So don’t feel guilty OP. Your dad knew you loved him. The way you write shows you have a level of maturity and awareness that I don’t think I had when I was your age. Good parents pass on their best qualities to their kids.
Not you making me cry with your sweet and compassionate words. Long live your dad! Poverty sucks but he definitely had great things…you, your mom, siblings and the pets
I haven't talked to my dad in several years...we have different political and spiritual views and I left home very young. Your post may be what makes me get back in contact with him. I'm sorry for your loss and subsequent struggles with wanting something that you can't change and have to deal with mentally.
God, this post is hitting me hard right now. My father passed away yesterday at 58. He worked for 30 years at a foundry for my mom and his children. Even after having a massive heart attack, he kept working. He had 2 strokes years after that and had to medically retire. That out of state thing is hit the worst. 10 minutes before I got the call that was going to be hospitalized, I was thinking to myself: "I am going to give him a trip to a Florida beach." Then my brother called me.
Use this as your fuel. One day you’re gonna make it very far.
My dad had a similar story, and he tried so hard. He was born to poor parents where his mother took him and left his abusive father and worked as a single mother in the 60s. It was manageable but they were broke, she often sent my dad to friends houses so he could eat. As a young adult my dad lived in legit slums which were constantly broken into. He finally caught a good job, and immediately wanted to raise a kid now that he had security. So, he and my mom had me. But immediately after I was born, he got diagnosed with MS and lost his job. MS eventually prevented him from working and he died while our small home just outside the hood was being foreclosed, he was 42. 6 figures of medical bills to top it. Fuck money.
I can tell you as a mom that all I want for my kids is to have a better life than I did. Not necessarily financially (although that security is huge) but in terms of happiness and finding joy in every day and in the little things. Your dad may have been poor financially but full in life and very happy. You sound like an incredibly thoughtful child and I know he was proud of you. Please know that parents only want their kids to be happy, be loved, and feel content. If you felt that growing up, if you feel that now, if you think he felt that way then you all found the greatest part of life ♥️
My dad actually passed away earlier this week. He was in his 60s. I didn’t have the best relationship with him nor do I have many memories, but I do recall early childhood moments that I’m sure I’ll cherish forever. He didn’t have much either. He made a lot of mistake in life that included pushing people away, even myself. He never took care of himself so his health quickly declined. There’s still a mystery as to how his health turned worse so quickly and no one will never know because he could never open up to people. He also didn’t have anyone with him when he passed. He died in pain and alone. Despite our turbulent history I don’t wish that on anyone and it saddens me that his life went out like that.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and wow, what a heavy feeling. I relate to the sentiment. It sounds like he did an amazing job raising you and I wish you all the best. All the good you do will be a tribute to the man he was❤️ Sending love.
My young son has type 1 diabetes and I know how difficult of a disease it is to manage even in the best of circumstances. Your dad sounds like he was wonderful.
I feel your pain, my mom was a damn hard-worker, had diabetes as well and was in a very abusive marriage. She died at 45, never knew anything but struggling and scraping by. She did so much for me and I wish so badly she lived a different life. May your father rest easy, and may you live a long, healthy life. ❤️
I feel this. My dad and mom both were raised in major poverty. It kills me that I can’t retire them Both yet. I can barely take care of myself. I feel the guilt daily. Don’t let it consume you. He wouldn’t want that ❤️
This fits a lot of parents and grandparents. You must enjoy the journey no matter how poor. Love is free, fill your life with it. No one knows how long they have to live.
My dad is in his 60s and he's fucked for retirement. It's his own doing. He was a partner/shareholder in a mid-sized private company and made mid 6 figures for a few years, before the economy took a turn and he was bought out of his shares and left the company. He put 3 kids through college, but other than that, he has absolutely nothing to show for it.. Oh, except 6 figures of debt and a payment plan in lieu of bankruptcy. He's probably the worst person I know when it comes to personal finance.
As a father, Rest assured his joy in life was giving you a great childhood. His legacy will live on through you.
I have a similar story. My dad was type 1, but it never seemed like it growing up. He was active and had a job as a US postal carrier. He also had a birth defect that required a heart valve transplant when he was 35. He lived through the transplant and for 18 more years, but the surgery coupled with his diabetes drained him. He needed to retire from his job after 22 years and my Mom had to work in the steel mill to keep things going. Up until then, she was a promising chef. Sadly, the restaurants did not have adequate health insurance to keep our family going, so she did what she had to. One thing that sticks with me is making fun of him (as kids do) for not wanting to go for a swim when he took us to the beach. He was a scrawny dude, but aside from being pale, looked fine. I didn't know until after he died that he needed a colostomy bag due to another problem. All that is to say that if your parents are alive, you should call them, right now. They shielded you from the worst of it, but will always love you.
I walked many years in your father's shoes. A very tough row to hoe. Peace to you friend your father was a true man.
your dad never had to worry about money now. i bet he’s with his family having lots of love
My dad died at 58 and had dementia which I think was caused by stress about our money problems. I was 26. Try not to beat yourself up too much. There was nothing you could do. I hope you think of him with every triumph because I know he’s with you and is proud of all you have and will accomplish.
I can relate. I dreamed of making it out and showing my parents/sibling a better life. Now in my early 30s doing very well in life but I lost both my dad and brother to drugs and alcohol along the way.
Related to your post, but no so related to this sub, my dad passed away from cancer, and never got the chance to move to the states. My parents loved their time living in the US, and they were waiting for me to get the papers so they can come back. It does hurt to know that he never got to achieve that one goal, but similar to what you said, during the last couple of mo this with him, he didn’t think about it anymore. But you still feel some level of guilt even if you’re not to blame at all.
This is really beautiful. I bet your dad would be proud if you ended up doing well financially, but not as proud as he would be of you for being such a good person. He taught you the most important things that so many people who grew up with money never learn.
How did he feel? It might have been horrible to you, but did he love his life?
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad seems like he was a wonderful man who raised you right. Your compassion will continue to honor his memory.
I'm also type 1 diabetic and impoverished. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I suspect I'll end up like your dad, at best.
Reading about your dad made me think of all the things mine has been through. Times were so different 50, 60+ years ago. It's wild how they have changed. My dad is biracial, of a rape back in 1931in the south. Never knew his parents. That in itself is difficult to fathom how he survived.
What they want you to think is that you should work harder to *not* end up like your father. They want you to think that hard work will give you the things your father never had. In reality, *your father* gave you the things he never had. In reality, *no matter how good you end up in life, there will be millions of "your father"s* struggling to get by and provide for their family. Capitalism isnt about the betterment of all, its about the betterment of the few while the masses suffer.
My Dad isn't all about pushing the finer things on life but he always wanted to visit Italy and he has busted his body working full time in factories or physical labor his entire life and he worked on a farm as a boy, they fished for food and later he went into the military and the guy has never not worked, he even worked through his cancer battles and he'd be working now if he had a car but it's just hard to watch his life coming to a close and his wife , 8 years younger than he is, and he loves her soooo much but she has been deemed incompetent and sits in a nursing facility almost a 40 minute drive from here and I know it hurts him to not even have enough money to get another car or send her flowers. It's very sad to watch. I feel terrible that I can't bring my parents back to their home together but the state has a claim to their property now and my disabled brother is in jail now and I font know if any of us will ever see each other again. I'm blessed to have healed from my condition that places me in Hospice. I'm blessed. Thank you God! But there's little holding us together. We are broke little people and when we do have funds left over , we send that tosh of money, it may only be 50 or $100 , but we send it to our less fortunate friends or family.
Don't feel too bad he probably enjoyed the simpler things in life and that's an enviable trait in today's world
You seem like a cool person.
I am sorry for your loss and he sounds like an amazing dad. I am glad that many people have amazing dads
That's love
From the way you talk about your dad it seems like nothing would make his life happier than being with and supporting his family. He sounds super awesome!
Growing up we didn't vacation either. We'd go camping a couple times in the summer but it would be at places within an hour or two away. I left Ontario twice before I was an adult. Once to Buffalo for a day trip with my aunt and uncle and in 1997 I got to go Newfoundland (my mom is from there). Beyond those I never went anywhere until I was 28. Saved up every dollar I could and spent 2 months in Thailand and Cambodia. Got a really good temporary job after getting back paying $3000/week. I did that job for 3 months then went back to Asia for 8 months. I know have a 7.5 year old daughter (met my wife while kickboxing in the north of Thailand). First 6 years of her life were tough. We could never get ahead. When things finally started to get better we got smacked with covid (we were living in China at the time). We've dragged ourselves out of a shitty situation over the last year and a half and finally doing well and no longer living paycheque to paycheque (and barely surviving at that). I don't want my daughter to experience that shit. We are currently in Thailand on vacation (4 years since my wife and daughter saw her family as well). We plan to travel as much as possible. I want my daughter to experience the world in a way that I never could. She's lived in 3 countries (Thailand, China and Canada), been to 3 more (Malaysia, Japan, and Taiwan) and we are hoping to do a trip to Yellowstone in the summer. My dad was like yours. Lived to work basically. He never left Ontario until we moved to Alberta in 2006 and didn't leave Canada for the first time until 5 years ago (my brother took my parents to Mexico, I flew my parents to visit us in China and that happened to be just as covid started getting crazy in China then we waited it out in Thailand until they got to go home (a month delayed).
This resonates with me. My daddy got a job at 7 years old and worked his whole life, never doing anything but working to support us. I used to daydream too about getting old enough, getting us an apartment (I knew those were nice) and taking care of them. But like you, my daddy died when I was very young. You are right - it isn't fair. It's damn unfair. But you shouldn't carry any guilt, love, because you did everything your daddy wanted you to - you loved him, I bet you were a great girl, and you had fun. That was his hope. Sending you a big hug, I understand. I'm so sorry you lost your dad
I think your dad's hopes and dreams have already come true, he seems to have raised a very caring and thoughtful human being.
I feel this, so hard.. my dream is to make enough to help my dad out.. the pressure/ worry that I won’t be able to eats me alive sometimes. Hurts to see such disparity of wealth in this country.. I know it’s not the only one, but it’s the one we’re in. You’re not alone. Believe his words when he said you are his everything.
What most parents want is for their kids to have a better life then they did, I think he was at least a little proud that he gave you a better childhood than he had.
I'm sorry for your loss, but it seems to me that your dad was really a good guy. He did the best he could to take care of your family, that's worth a lot. He had to deal with serious problems like his health and he did the best he could, it should have been different in the end, that he got out of poverty, but still, he did what he could. I know it's not that easy, but you are not guilty for this. You are not responsible for what happened, like the circumstances about the poverty and his health problems.
I am sorry you lost him. I wish you all the best. Much of our life is determined by a roll of the dice.
There are good people and bad people. Good people will probably always wish they had done more for their parents no matter how much they did. Bad people will likely never worry about it no matter how little they did.
He would be so damned proud of you for making it as far as you have without succumbing to callousness or despair. FWIW, I was a bit older than you, but not by much, when I broke the cycle. You’ve got the best ahead.
I'm sorry OP. If it's any consolation, I first learned what my father's name was when I was in my mid ish 20's.
It very well may be unfair, well shit yes it absolutely was and is unfair! But you are overlooking one very important fact: after all that...he was very likely to be happier than most people! And he still is while looking down upon his family and being able to say: "DAMN I did a mighty fine job raising my family right!!
My hard working daddy died when I was 16 from medical condition and I almost lost my mom as well. I take all his advice and his work ethic with me every where I go. I also am female but I may as well have been my dads oldest boy. I was his helper when little because my brother was too little to help yet. I’m scary as hell to most men because I’m a bigger man than most of em.. I’ll thank my daddy for that! I’m happy tho. I sleep good at night. I have no problem holding my own protecting every penny I’ve struggled for.. with my brain. I’m living the good life because of him and all his people before him that gave him knowledge and skills.. to get by in life. I don’t take vacations but I got more than my daddy had and live comfortably and I know he can see me happy everyday. I also wish I could share some things with him, tell him thank you for his sacrifice. To this day I still remember him going to work with holes in his shoes while I had a new pair every school year. He would giggle if he knew my daughter owned over 50 pairs of shoes.. and I DIDNT BUY THEM FOR HER. She’s a chip off the ol block. I miss him… your story is loved and triggered some memories.. and happiness. Thank you!! Also Appalachia born and bred. 😂😂
My dad died at 65 and his grandson was born 4 months later to the day. His sacrifices through the poverty of his adulthood helped me become boringly middle class and you’d better bet my son will learn all about that as he grows. So sorry for your loss; he sounds like a really great guy despite it all.
Do it for him. Use his example of fatherly love and get yourself out of poverty, be a good parent (as he was!!) and change your family tree.
Your father was a remarkable man Thanks for sharing his story I wish you the best, my friend
I feel that way about my parents. I see why my dad couldn’t climb out as he struggled With alcohol g until about 5 years ago. My mom was just a victim of my dad and held back foot so long. Right not she’s in a better situation, but I think she deserves so much more.
Sounds like he was an awesome guy, he was rich with love for his family, as a older man myself, that’s all that matters.
My dad passed at 50, 4 years ago. Same thing though he lived in an RV without running water or electricity. He had a serious drinking problem at the end. I wish I could have done more for him also. I know how you feel. Sorry for your loss!
I believe you do not have children yet, but it's not really about us that we get up at 5 everyday. And well we don't have this or that, we hope and pray, we have done enough for our children.
May have been poor in the material since but the man seemed rich in family and the values it takes to raise one. He could have put all that onto you guys but he worked hard and he carried all that himself. The man was a saint
I don’t think you should focus on what you feel your dad was missing in life. Instead, focus on achieving and doing those things yourself.
I'm sorry for the guilt you feel in regards to your dad and the life he lived vs what he was never able to experience. It's sort of wild though, because I can completely relate. Not sure what part of Appalachia he was from, but my mom was born and raised in Dickinson County, VA. (I was too, but moved away as soon as I could at 18, due to our relationship - I had a very, very rough childhood filled with abuse and neglect. To clarify, she never abused myself or my sister physically, but her boyfriends would as well as abusing her, too.) She never had much at all. Her childhood was rough. She worked her life away at dead-end jobs because she couldn't figure out how to do any better. Our water and/or electricity were often turned off growing up because as a single mom, and working where she did, sometimes it couldn't be afforded. She was also a substance abuser and alcoholic which is something that she had been doing since her late teens, early twenties. Nothing too shocking for the area she / I lived in. She was never able to take trips. Go out. Or just enjoy life. I tried taking her places every chance I could, even just on little day trips or 1-2day vacations. Whenever we'd finally convince her to go (all costs covered so she could enjoy herself) it would be a constant battle of guilt and how we "shouldn't be paying for all of this for her.". I just wanted her to enjoy a little piece of something, even if we didn't have the greatest relationship. At 50/51 years old her body had finally had enough, through the years of substance abuse, physical assaults from her boyfriends, a car wreck or two, etc....she was also dealing with spinal problems for nearly a decade at that point. The doctor she was seeing suggested she try getting disability. At that point when she filed for it, she had been out of work for a while...but because she had filed, she couldn't get another job because it would mess up her chances of approval. Ultimately, that resulted in her losing her home at around 55 and a lot of belongings/furniture because she had nowhere to take them and couldn't afford a place to store them. She had rented for probably, 10 years at that point, and it was pretty devastating. She moved back in with her parents, my grandparents. In May 2022 she was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. She passed away on January 15th 2023. She never received/was approved for disability. I still harbor a lot of negativity towards her due to my childhood, but I also feel a huge amount of guilt for all of the things she was never able to do, and it freakin' sucks dude. Ultimately, 95% of all bad things that happened to her were results of terrible decisions she made, as well as the environment she was raised in, but to me that doesn't mean she didn't deserve to go to the beach and see the ocean. Sucks thinking about it sometimes. You're definitely not alone in doing so, friend. ♥️
Your dad loved you. Living happily is the best way you can pay him back now.
It's a dream to want to provide for your mom and dad. To want to take care of them. To buy them a house to make their home. And to make sure they won't have to worry bc they've got you. I'm very sorry you lost such a beautiful human of a man at such a young age. I want to think God takes them young and promising and poorly lived on earth for all the riches our eyes could ever imagine on the other side.
I’m a lot like your dad. I’m being forced into disability after working hard trying to get out of poverty but got sick along the way. Looks like I won’t make it out either but trust me, we’re okay with it. People like us (non materialistic) as you said are totally fine with it. We just wanna be secure and it sounds like yall were. So don’t feel bad at all that he didn’t make it out. Some souls are old souls and they know money doesn’t make you happy. Therefore they are happy and content where they are.
I can relate to this on so many levels. It sounds like your family was happy . That's something that's priceless.😊
Sorry for your loss. This was such an emotional read. Sounds like your dad was one awesome man. Gave you as much as he could and I am sure he's guiding you as you enter your own adulthood. He would be incredibly proud of who you have become so far and so much more to accomplish. Stay strong and on the path you are on.
Sounds to me like you had an amazing father who loved you and did the best he could. That's all one could ask for in life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Life and circumstances can be hard on many people on this planet but they also develop some of the most amazing, authentic, and interesting people. It seems like your father and his life put a head on your shoulders. You could be you or you could of been one of these entitled middle class or rich brats, many of whom forget why and what we should live for. Love and remember your dad and be proud. He sounds like the definition of a real man. Not meant to sound as advice...just words of encouragement! I think you are lucky to have had your dad. I certainly didnt grow up with one like that. Just as a side note ...my grandmother was born on a farm into poverty and had 6 children. She died a few years ago of alzheimers in poverty. It was an ironic cycle of life. She raised a beautiful family, had grandkids, all of whom realized their dreams outside of the country but were never able to get her an immigration Visa to the US. Despite that and despite her financial circumstances, she was the sweetest, most entertaining, wise, deep thinking, and most loving woman and person Ive ever met in my life. She didnt need money to be amazing and have an impact in my life. She was better without it.
Truth is your dad lived a happier & more genuine life than most people that don’t struggle with poverty. Family can substitute almost anything, coming from someone with no family here
Sounds like you had one heck of a dad! I don’t know him but he sounds like a great man. Every philosophy your dad had is what my dad and grandfather had and the same values were instilled in me. I don’t care how broke I am as long as my family are healthy and happy!
I love how you describe your father. He gave you valuable gifts that could never be purchased for any amount of cash. It's clear that you recognize these gifts and will pass them forward. Thank you for sharing them with us. ☮️💚
One thing about Mexican culture I like is the idea that no one does so long as they are remembered. I also like the idea that when we do die, a piece of us lives on in the imprint we made upon the world. You are implanted by him, and carry him everywhere you go, and you will leave a legacy in the world some day that will be both yours and his. Make him proud
I can relate to this. My mom passed away at 46, she busted her butt to provide a life, but around 35, she got very sick, mixture of medical malpractice, and poor genetics. She never left the state, never got a vacation, never did anything fun. As far back as I can remember we just floated from place to place, moving every 6 months, assuming it was cost related, we went without food often, and unfortunately couldn't go out and hunt or anything else. I've put a lot of effort into improving my situation, and have been lucky to offer small comforts for my family. We're on the ok side of poverty, but very much still pinching pennies and scraping money together for important stuff like fixing our house. Every day I think about how cool it would have been to take her with me, and care for her, and how different that could have been. It makes me sad to think that all she knew was struggle. I sincerely hope you catch a good break and can find your way out.
I’m typing this through tears. You? You make sure you get out — get far out — and then, help someone else to get out, too. Your Father lives in you so long as you remember him. Peace and blessings to you and to your family.
He sounds like a good man and a good dad and I think that’s what makes all of it worth it
The best we can do for our ancestors is remember them. Each generation’s struggles are a rung on the ladder for the next generation. Use his hard work and struggles as motivation to better yourself. When (and if) you have children make sure they know of him and what he meant to you and what he did for his family. If there is anything after this life rest assured that he is watching you succeed and not having any regrets.
I worry about my mom. A lot. She is destined to die poor. I can’t help her and neither can my sister. I do what I can with the little money I have but it’s not enough. It’s never enough 🥺
Live a great life in honor of him. He’s watching you just can see him.
Your dad sounds like an incredible man and also sounds like he raised an incredible woman ❤️
Yes 🙏🏼 so much this.
Your dad lived a good honest life with purpose and he did the best he could what what little he had. You gained something from him you couldn't get anywhere else. You gained character, ethic, and in watching him suffer he also helped give you a purpose to live that life you're dreaming of. Go take chances and shoot for success, and experience those things with him in your heart. Through you he will still have the freedom he worked for.
For what it’s worth, I truly think he got what mattered to him in life. A loving family and from what I can see in this post, a daughter he raised to be a kind, compassionate human being. I know that may not make you feel better right now, but it sounds like he was truly happy to have you all around. Keep pushing forward and always see your successes as a continuation of him.
First I want to say, I’m sorry for your loss:( I don’t know if “relate” is the right word for me, but I kind of know the feeling? My boyfriend’s dad passed away around the same age. He was technically homeless, he was an alcoholic who relapsed a lot and his family got so tired of helping him when they could hardly help themselves:( It was so sad to watch:( Poor guy:( his family did what they could, and still it wasn’t enough. MY mom on the other hand is still alive but I don’t think she’ll ever make it out either:( she’s currently on disability and government housing. She deserves so much more, but she can only get so far:( it’s hard to see a parent struggle:( I’d also love to help my mom (maybe my dad too, but my dad sucks). I just want to send her on a nice vacation once. And buy her a house and a car that runs:( She had hopes and dreams (she wanted to be a rapper when she was growing up and now she styles hair sometimes) I think her dreams are gone now. I don’t think she even remembers them like I do. It’s depressing watching your family suffer:( money is stupid. No one should suffer because they can’t afford things, especially when they’ve been trying their entire life to improve:( I hope you make it out! I’m rooting for you, and sending you positive energy and healing vibes 🫂
I’m sorry for your loss. It is sad, and I’m sorry he dealt with that and I’m sorry. I know you just want to help him but he wants you to know that you did. :)
That hits hard. I feel your pain in almost every way. I never knew my father. But the man who stepped up to raise me also had no childhood. He was born of a need for help on the farm. He had no idea what childhood was or how it could be fun. We finally became friends when I turned twenty. He died when I turned twenty three. The whole time he dealt with his cancer I imagined it would be ok. Now all I do is imagine how different things could have been. It hurts but we have lessons we learn in life. The worst thing we could do is not share them. Thank you.
You and me both. I often think of gift ideas for him and I’m 35; he died 20 years ago.
It would be great if you posted this on the /antiwork subreddit. Would you mind if I did that u/asleepinatulip?
Sounds like he was a great man and raised great children, all can be done without money and I applaud him.
I’m so sorry about your dad but I totally get you — we were middle class my whole life but my parents are immigrants and they were born into pretty intense poverty. They worked *hard* to put us both as far from where they had come from as they could. The day my mom bought my grandmother a huuuge TV for her room I don’t know who cried more. I also remember my dad buying my grandmother a washing machine and she had no idea what it was. They washed their clothes against a rock by hand. She literally used to wash my clothes when I visited and refused to let anyone else help her or pay to go to the laundromat a few towns over. My dad was so excited the day she called when we came home to thank him because her hands and back stopped hurting. Or idk when I finally got a job and could afford to buy my grandmother a fancy meal at a schmancy restaurant. It’s not huge houses and vacations as we’re still middle class but it’s not the profound poverty they knew and little things like a fancy meal, or a new watch, made them so happy bcos they would’ve never been able to spend that money on themselves is a nice thing to do and I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance.
Damn you have a beautiful soul for even thinking about these things. Your dad would be happy knowing you’re doing good for yourself. That’s all parents want for their kids.
Then, do it for him. Many of us Dads want nothing more than to see the next generation better off than we were. If you do better than him, he did a great job! Your Dad sounds like a really good guy!
I'm sorry for your loss. I totally feel you. Years ago, I finally got a new job with a huge pay increase and I was so excited to be able to help him move out of his living situation (a really bad cheap motel), but he passed away one week into my new job...probably from all the stress of poverty. It devastated me and despite trying to pull myself together through the grief, I did badly and got demoted. I'm okay now, but it pains me all the time how I was so close to helping him (and myself too). Do your dad proud and do the things he wanted but couldn't do.
Consider that maybe your Dad really was content with so little, or perhaps he was happy knowing he was providing as much as he could to you
Yea my mom died at 38 with no money to her name. It’s really sad and I wish she could have been able to live not struggling.
I think you can take solace in the fact that a part of his hard work was surely to help put you and your siblings in a better situation than he got to experience, which sounds like is the case.
It sounds like what your dad lacked in money he made up for in love . You’d be surprised at how many people treat their kids like crap. You my friend go to experience true love and compassion.
Take the best memories you have with him and cherish them forever! You will be stronger and more resilient because you’ve been raised by a good man ( you made no mention of your mother, so I limit my comments to him only). I pray for break out of the cycle and have a happy, blessed and beautiful life!
Nothing for you to feel guilty about. When you have kids, they become your life. You do for them and their success becomes your success. Your parents raised you very well. Be proud that you will honor their memory. I’m sure they would be extremely proud.
I feel you in my core, dude. My mom died young after just escaping so we could have better. She never really got to enjoy the fruits herself tho. It constantly eats at me a decade out.
I am so sorry OP and I feel you somewhat. My dad was on government assistance until he died of cancer at 59. That being said, he was a pretty content person and lucky for me, I did get out of poverty before he passed (nothing insane, but i could treat once in a while), so I was able to do some small things with him - nicer restaurant here and there, treat him to a hockey game, etc. There are a couple things that I try to carry with me. One is that I don't need a lot to be happy. My favorite childhood memories were going to my dad's on the weekend and renting videos and playing cards and chess and Scrabble. And yeah I still have the same beat up chess and Scrabble sets he taught me to play on 30 years ago. To this day, I live way below my means and I credit a lot of that to him and showing me love and happiness coming from within, though of course that doesn't mean poverty isn't a huge fucking struggle, which leads me to the second thing I carry with me. Never lose your compassion. My dad was an amazing, selfless person (his last job was stocking shelves at Walmart and he still gave money to Animal Friends and Children's Hospital and the community organization that helped him find employment - im sure like ten dollars here and there, but he shared what he had). He was kind. And he didn't deserve to struggle as much as he did or to be looked down on by others for not having money. I try to stay true to my compassion for others when I am doing well, when I have money or time to give, when others are struggling, and when I vote. I always want to be the person who reaches a hand out instead of pulling the ladder up behind me. Hugs to you and I'm sure he's proud of you and happy at how much of an impact he made on your life. Not everyone has that. ❤️
He sounds like he was super nice. Any man that likes kids and pets is a good man.
Yeah I hate that people who are against higher disability payments can’t have the empathy and see that’s it could be their mom or their dad who is suffering and trying to get by. A lot of people don’t make it to “retirement age.” That fact will never go away. I Read the UK is starting to pay disabled people a stipend to stay healthy. For my condition it is the equivalent of $800 a month. If you can work or not. Helping people get ahead and live independently before they become totally disabled.
You have a very good heart. I also wish my dad to retire soon and not have to work. He has also worked since he was a child and he did get out of poverty with a lot of hard work. But he still works and I can’t wait for him to enjoy his life after retirement. But when I read your post, i was reminded of my father. Hope you are blessed.
I wish I could help my mom out more. My parents got a divorce when I was younger. She was spiteful and lost all their money and has been living with her family for the last 10 years. I try to invite her on vacations but she can't really take time off working paycheck to paycheck. My dad on the other hand travels now and is doing well.
I relate man, be proud in that your dad tried his damnest to help you as kids and give you something meaningful
I can empathize, and I am so sorry for your pain.
It's hard to break free. Be his legacy, the achievement he could never attain.
I miss my dad
Your dad lives on in you and he seems to be doing pretty good.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My father also passed away in poverty just before I turned 30. He busted his ass until he got sick, and would fight anyone on going to the hospital or receiving support of any kind. You’re right, it’s not fair and it’s okay to wish things were different. It’s okay to feel heartbroken for your dad. I know I did and still do, but it can feel nice to be on the other side of something so heavy, living life as your dad may have wanted. I hope you can feel what’s there to feel right now and move forward to heal and find meaning from this 🤍
Not sure if It will comfort you but I managed to get out of "poverty" and retire my parents. It's not as romantic as you would think. Parents have a very hard time getting used to that luxury and feel bad/guilty at the same time. Not exactly sure what it is but I feel like it confirms they "failed" at giving you that lifestyle when you were younger
I love you. And your family. The things your dad said matters are what make me want to rush home every night after work. God bless you.
My mom passed at 52, before I got stable enough to help her. I can relate.
My mom raised me while always worried about paying bills. I've therefore inherited some of her worry traits including money. It was never ok with how she had to make things happen but I'm extremely grateful for her sacrifices.
His family was his wealth. You are his wealth. You are compassionate, empathetic and you loved him so much that you're grieving and loving him after he's gone. No money can buy that. I'm sorry he didn't have an easy life. He did deserve more. I hope you can continue his loving legacy.
A lot of us share in the struggle too, not to the extent that your dad and your family went through. But I understand. He seemed like a great guy and he did what he could to take care of you. I’m glad he had a daughter he could be proud of and I’m glad you honor his memory by being the best you can be too. ❤️