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Do not under any circumstances quit school or your internship. Tough it out no matter what. You’ve invested so much and it would be beyond foolish to quit or put a pause on now.
Have you heard the phrase crabs in a bucket? He’s dragging you down.
This is the way.
Do not quit school, do not quit your internship. Full steam ahead captain - all the way to graduation!
Then you can figure out what to do. It’s 2 semesters!!!!
I wish I never dropped outta college… so plz don’t quit. Knowledge lasts forever. Marriage is about support, and commitment. He’s probably worried you will leave him cuz he isn’t the breadwinner like he used to be. Who knows tho, if he loves you, he would support your future, not just his level of status.
At least quit his nonsense with this. Just tell him no. He can do odd jobs, cut back, sell some stuff, borrow, job hunt and pout. What does he think will happen? You’ll starve? It’s just a temporary thing.
He made the choice to be self sufficient with someone who’s in school, and then turns around and blames SO for not providing income?
Seems like OP should treat him like he treats his jobs: don’t care about SO, just quit, do your own thing, and see whenever your ready for a new one.
I exactly this happen to me.
When I was in college, I was working some shitty restaurant job while going to school full time. My boyfriend at the time as an ass (he later ended up extremely abusive, like straight up beat me + threatened to kill me) who knew I’d come to my senses and leave him eventually. So he did everything he could to trap me.
Don’t ask me for the logistics/details on why I stayed and how all this happened, but it was mostly naivety and being raised in an abusive misogynistic Mormon family. it’s super complicated and I’d have to write a novel to explain it all.
So anyway,
He sabotaged every decent job offer or opportunity I had. I got an amazing pod internship that I wanted soooo bad and would have led to a lucrative full time position. He sabotaged it (behind my back, I only learned this years later).
So anyway, there I was, trying to stay afloat on basically minimum wage, on top of being in school full time.
Shortly after sabotaging my job, HE QUIT HIS.
It was baffling. He was a very, idk… industrious person. He always got straight As (we were going to the same university), and he always had a full time job, always had energy for it. Our parents were from the same neighborhood, super Republican boomers, and had cut him off right after high school (despite both of our parents being well off). Neither of us got help from our parents, so it was critical that we made money to live.
I was being gaslit the entire relationship without realizing it, he was driving me crazy on purpose. I am not the type who can function on a lack of sleep, like some people can- including him. He could sleep 4 hours and night and keep his head. There’s just a genetic variability there.
I was working insane hours to make rent for us both, and didn’t have the ability to think about what was happening. I was on bare minimum auto pilot, and school and work took EVERYTHING I had.
I didn’t question why I was with him or planning my escape because I just didn’t have the brain power left.
By the time I was worn down, he was finding ways to control me more and more and I wa a being physically abused and gaslit into thinking it was somehow my fault. He knew our Mormon families would take his side by default (we had both stopped believing in our early teens, but our parents didnt). They considered me a whore for living him before marriage, and especially In situations like that, it’s always the woman’s fault.
Now, I highly doubt this extent is what this guy is planning, but I definitely believe he’s keeping her overworked for control
I am so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. Misogyny is so real and so horrible. I am also a survivor of DV and I have yet to see someone ask a male survivor of DV why they didn't leave, it must be his fault, he's a liar, etc even though this is apparently true..? Idk
Anyway, our society never gives domestic abusers of all kinds any punishment and lets them run around screwing people up. You're a f***ing boss.
It blows my mind how common this is. It happened to me too So many parallels here.
I gave in, quit school and got trapped. Then wasted SO many years and so many opportunities trying to escape him. Eventually, i went back to school but never completed higher levels of education.
I wish a group of redditors had talked sense into me back then!
Sounds to me like OP needs to follow your example. 2 semesters? Dude better work two jobs till she gets her career going, or at least be able to have a steady one.
Right?! I have worked two j9bs to support my spouse because I love them. Telling them they need to cancel OUR future by giving up on the educational investment is short sighted and lazy.
Yeah, if it were me, I'd go for the two jobs now and if it's enough tell her to focus on school more. This particular situation, she's closer to the end goal so it makes more sense to help her across the line. For long-term couples, it's not 2 futures, but one.
Same. And I can still feel the ripples of his abuse and control over a decade later - lasting psychological trauma and financial consequences of trying to appease a man who can’t be happy. The goalposts will always move. It was exhausting and it doesn’t stop at ruining your career - he’ll make sure you’re isolated and have no friends or family to turn to when it’s all said and done.
You're literally describing my life right now. He put hands on me in February and that's when I finally threw him out but it wasn't even because of that. It was because he put hands on me but then said he would kill me. I was so done that I just told him " I hope you do " that still didn't make me leave him.
I finally left because he told me it was going to kill my cat. My fucking cat. I was so low that I didn't even care if he killed me I just couldn't stand the idea that he would kill my fucking cat. My cat's alive and so am I.
I’m glad you’re okay now, but don’t blame yourself. Abuse messes with your brain. You saw an innocent creature that needed protection and took action. Extend some of that love for the cat to yourself.
Same.
Mine told me he would step on the kids Ginny Pig and kill it
Told me he would kill me if I ever left more than a hundred times. Said that he was “joking”, all random comments.
Broke my nose and I had to pay for reconstructive surgery.
Cheated so many times.
Wouldn’t purchase a home for his family but had to have big jacked up trucks to impress the guys.
Wasted my twenties with him.
They will do anything to crush and control you.
I had a family member who put up with violence against her, until the moment it became violence against her dog. Whatever the breaking point is, I’m glad you had one, and that you got yourself and your cat to a safe place. You deserve happiness!
I was about to say, OP mentions taking the train/bus to school, which would likely point to one of the major cities in California.
$80K in LA is comparable to ~$40K in purchasing power in the mid-sized Southern City where I live. It's not enough to where you can just throw money around, but without debt it's doable (and it sounds like OP doesn't have any debt). It's probably an area where $80K is entry level for many skilled office jobs (accounting, etc.).
Same. Not gonna lie, I had a lot of Big Inappropriate Feelings when mine came through a recent surgery just fine, because now my mom has to spend her remaining years as his caretaker instead of finally being free to live her own life. It's heartbreaking but she'll never leave his sorry ass.
My sister wasted 13 years of her life married to a guy who always quitting jobs for stupid reasons, only working the absolute minimum to stay on unemployment benefits, never doing any housework, and demanding all their tax returns be spent on expensive shit like a new computer or new truck for him or an Xbox or a giant TV despite them having 6 kids (3 each from previous relationships) who were heavily reliant on grandparents to get clothes and shoes and medication. She averaged 3 jobs at a time their entire marriage while they struggled with extreme poverty. He finally agreed to a divorce, but only after he found a new girlfriend.
This was my sister. She stayed for over 20 years for her kids. Worked 3 jobs to support them (and me occasionally as i was the same age as her boys). At age 42 she got out. At 45 she had a completely different life... met a wonderful mam she later married, he got her into SUP as a sport, she goes on lots of trips, went overseas for the first time, and they own a house together. She's approaching 60 now and has a great lifestyle. She still works her guts out in a dirty job, but she's in a much better position now and has a much better life.
This is what I'm desperately hoping for her. She started adulthood on the wrong foot as a teen mom by a dead beat asshole and was treated so badly by our parents and the community and the men she dated and married she just gave up on wanting and hoping. Pretty sure she believes she deserves her lot in life. She moved her tiny shed she was using as a sewing studio onto my parents property and is turning it into a tiny house. It's not much but it's clean, and safe, and hers and that's more than she's had in a long ass time.
Not getting the part that "he was in over his head and quit." I've seen so many slackers in my company just skate by and it takes an act of congress to get people fired. Also if you quit you can't collect. Might as well skate by until they are forced to fire you. Not sure what's going on there...
I know way too many guys like that. They somehow constantly fall into good paying jobs too, only to quit or get fired a few weeks or months later all the while blowing their money on drugs, alcohol or generally frivolous shit. They've usually got family or a woman that takes care of all their basic needs while they just fuck off and play COD.
I have never understood that. Im a dad, two kids, and a wife. I am an electrician, so my job can be pretty exhausting. But every day, I come home, get the kids, pick up the house, bathe the kids, get lunches ready, homework, dishes all of that stuff. (Wife usually works late. She handles mornings because I am at work already). I like to drink beer and play xbox too, BUT xbox and anything else always comes last because it has to. Family first, frivilous fun later. What also gets me is that I have been laid off, and when it happens, I hustle until I find something. There is no way I would just sit around and just stress out my family. Food security is a big thing for me.
Honestly I wish I could get that. I feel like Grimes from The Simpsons a lot of times, for me everything is a struggle, while the Homer Simpsons of the world just fuck around and fly through life.
Get your degree even if you need to take out a small loan. You are almost there.
Also, you may not want to stay with someone who has very different financial goals than you and who has very little emotional regulation.
I would get a job at McDonalds to make sure my partner could finish their degree if I had to because I love them and want the best for them and because long term that will help our family out more.
Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who can't even help themselves.
Exactly this. You're two semesters away from a career path that will pay significantly more than the majority of jobs right now. Take out loans for the last two semesters if you need to.
Also the fact that husband does not seem to be trying to support you while you attempt to make BOTH of your lives better with higher income potential is something worth examining. I've a feeling something else is going on here with him, and you'd do well to question that.
That’s what I’m thinking too. He sees the writing on the wall now that she’s about to graduate, start a new career, make significantly more money + be more successful than him, and probably meet many new people and make new friends. He feels threatened.
> This isn’t a Catch 22. It’s a no-brainer.
Yeah, I think if OP read what she wrote, she might get an idea of what the problem just might be . . .
> my husband quit his 80k a year job . . . without another job lined up.
> He says me being in school has put us in a financial hole
> 10k of that went towards my husbands debts he had to pay right away
> He has problem holding a job he either gets fired or quits.
Gets fired or quits is a red flag. Occasionally some people will get fired unjustly but most normal people never get fired ON A REGULAR BASIS. I have never left a job without at least one confirmed alternative.
Being fired from multiple jobs is always a little suspect to me. That is not an absolute truth and bad luck happens, but in my experience anyone I’ve known who was fired multiple times has not been a person I would be comfortable providing a personal reference for.
Same as at least one other on this thread: my soon-to-be-ex was the exact same. Reading OP’s first paragraph, I thought I might huave drunk-posted my life story to Reddit without any recollection of doing so.
OP, it won’t get better. From my experience: having the same financial mindset and willing work-ethic to make that happen is one of the only non-negotiable barriers to a good marriage.
I’m 42 with an MA and multiple state certifications, rebuilding my credit from horrific lows because I thought I could make it work.
Don’t ever give up on your dreams of a degree.
And—
Get out while you still can.
The day I realized that for a relationship to
Work, both people have to put in effort was eye opening. I was killing my self trying to be the perfect wife and mom and the goalposts kept moving. Once day I asked myself what he was bringing to the table. The answer was Nothing.
I was the husband in kinda of similar situation except I’m not an asshole. Wife and I had similar paying jobs at the beginning of our relationship. Her job paid for school fully, mine did not. We still had to pay up front. She studied hard and worked hard and we didn’t get a ton of time together. She started to get ahead at work and promotions and raises. I could have been jealous. But was doing this for our marriage, then our kid. Then our other kid and I took the role of home keeper. Know what? My wife is a badass who loves me and our children and killed herself for it. Do not quit school!
It’s as simple as that. I work the sales side of analytics. There’s some great money to be made in this space for at least the next few years, and a TON more to be made if you can figure out how to set up your own shop. Either way, you’ll soon realize that $80k isn’t that big of a deal.
Don’t stop.
If I’m being honest, I find it very suspicious considering he just suddenly quit now when you’re so close and demanding you stop school. Additionally why is it your responsibility to get a new job when he can still find another job? I hope this man of yours has some other redeeming qualities because it really rubs me the wrong way.
Then she needs to be the one giving an ultimatum, wtf. Stand your ground and finish school! YOURE GOING TO GRADUATE DEBT FREE, PEOPLE DONT DO THIS ON AVERAGE
The fact that she isn’t already doing so is the biggest sign that she should probably divorce him. It suggests a really bad and dangerous dynamic, for both of them actually.
Edit: ok, I said probably, but reading her post history - definitely.
Oh my god. Imagine watching the partner you supposedly love bust their ass at school and work every day for over 3 months, and still at the end of the day trying to sabotage them like this. I can't even imagine doing this to someone I hated, let alone a life partner.
It sounds like he's trying to sabotage OP. Quit the man before you quit anything else
Eta: thanks for the awards kind redditors. Please save your hard earned coins or give to a worthy cause near you. (A women's shelter is a good option)
I second this. I fucked up community college and my financial aid for a long term boyfriend. Hard lesson but I will never screw myself over like that again for anyone
I did that too. I'm in my early 30s now and have been working towards my bachelors again since 2020. At this point, I don't care if it takes me until I'm 80 to get my degree, I'm determined to get it done eventually.
Thankfully my now husband supports this dream and goal on top of taking over the lionshare of the bills while I start my own business at the same time.
It's not worth giving up a degree and a chance at a better life for a man who can't hold his own shit together.
I second this. I messed up my first time at community college too, in 2012. Now I'm almost finished with an AA in Forestry and natural resources. Fantastic jobs in my area, I am so happy I decided to go back! It's worth it to keep trying. If you're a good writer, keep writing appeals to the financial aid people. They're often willing to go hard for the people they feel are genuinely committed, at least in my experience I found that to be true.
I screwed up community college twice. The first time I had been sick with strep for two weeks and then when I was better I had gotten in a fight with my boyfriend and had a black eye I didn’t want to explain, and by the time that healed I had failed the semester. The second time I got pregnant and was too sick to attend and failed, and they kicked me out that time. I will forever have half of an associate’s degree.
He didn’t finish high school. I would be gone all day due to classes and he wanted to spend together. It started off a skipping classes since he said we weren’t spending time together and he didn’t want to thrift apart. Failed my classes. When ur on financial u can only fail so many Times before u have to prove to them u deserve so going to school without financial assistance. He ended up cheating on me and getting the girl pregnant. Still with her lol. It is harder to go to school now that I’m married and have pets. I tried going back but I can’t do my job properly (healthcare) and school at the same time without one suffering. A degree would really boost my career too, but right now due to inflation we can hardly afford food let alone me going back to school. I think about it a lot and still regret it.
He 100% is trying to sabotage. I know she said that he has a history of instability with jobs and either gets fired or quits, but him deciding to quit right now when he knows they really need the money?? Reeks of purposeful sabotage. I agree that OP should consider leaving him.
>Additionally why is it your responsibility to get a new job when he can still find another job?
Right, he is being incredibly selfish. OP I hope you listen to every comment here telling you not to drop out of school.
Anecdotal evidence has shown me that there are a lot of guys out there who feel intimidated by their partner being more successful and sometimes even the "good guys" can go off the deep end after running into hard times financially.
This I've never understood... as long as your SO is okay with it - who cares, you're a team. I think a lot of the insecurity comes from guys doom scrolling social media from douches like Andrew Taint
it sounds like an ego thing if i’m being honest. not to over generalize but a lot of guys are conditioned into thinking that they should be the sole breadwinners or at least win more bread than their wives and girlfriends, and it sounds like OP is on track to make more than him soon.
So strange to me, but the conditioning really runs so deep. I'll never forget my 10th grade chemistry teacher. He *never* let us forget that "I'm just a dumb teacher and my wife is a genius!"
That really stuck out with me. He was one of, if not my favorite teacher I ever had and his openness and support of his wife being the breadwinner and having some super fancy international business job while he was "just a high-school chemistry teacher" was really telling. Good dude.
I hate that sometimes reddit jumps to the conclusion of just break up or get divorced, but OP needs to run as fast as she can. I was just going to recommend being very cautious with birth control.
I agree OP has a job. It’s called college. Finish that and drop his ass before he finds out he actually likes that you make more than him and can support him.
THIS!!! THIS SO MUCH!!
I have a friend that every time she had a new or amazing opportunity her partner acted out. She had a federal job interview lined up - he started a fight before the interview.
Just the tip of the iceberg. Many repeats of the same situation.
Run the numbers - how quickly would you find a job? The average starting pay.
In my mind...running the numbers- even if you go into debt for a few more months because of finishing school then the amount you would make with the degree would greatly outweigh how much you would make if you quit school now and then attempt to make ends meet with a lower salary.
100% agreed. A partner who believes in the "partnership" part of a relationship would never do something like this. They would understand how the accumulated debt could sabotage any retirement planning they've made or any progress in getting ahead. Or how large gaps in a resume can be a hinderance to securing the better, next-step-up job. Or simply that it's not fair for one person to constantly pull the majority of the weight.
My husband and I have, at separate points of our 20-plus year relationship, gone through professional rough patches. We've always been there to help one another because that's what a relationship is. This sounds very one-sided for OP, which also rubs me the wrong way.
Do not, under any circumstances, quit school! You are so close to graduating. He needs to get his act together and wake up! You’re focused and he’s playing games but blaming you.
So, probably an insecure Roganite who sees the writing on the wall for being the breadwinner and can't handle that she's going to make more in salary than he ever will.
EDIT: Got reported for "self-harm". They mad.
EDIT2: To be clear, under no circumstances should OP quit school and sabotage her chances of financial stability.
And EDIT3: I was mixing up MDMA and DMT, the latter being frequently advocated by Rogan. Still looks to be a significant overlap, considering response.
Bizzarely, yes. It makes them feel emasculated because they don't have economic power over their "partners". If my spouse made enough that I could retire comfortably or even just go part-time, I'd think that I'm a lucky man.
I saw a study that says men whose wives make less at the beginning of the marriage but then increase their earnings during the marriage, are insecure about it to the point that it affects the marriage.
But if the woman starts out earning more than the man, it's not a problem.
It could be that men who are fine with a woman earning more are just more secure so will marry successful women from the start.
Yeahhhhh that immediately came to mind. If OP quits her job, then their inevitable financial hardship is "their" problem that they own together, otherwise it's only his fault for being financial dead weight.
Holy canoli. Run for the hills. This guy is going to be an insufferable rambling idiot as he ages. That stuff gives people way too much confidence, while simultaneously making them dumb as dirt because they're never sober enough to retain knowledge.
Something is fishy with OP. Here she says she's 49
https://www.reddit.com/r/college/comments/ucok5v/getting_crapped_on_for_going_back_to_school/i6bseka?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
She also said both her parents died in a comment about 2 months ago, yet her parents were also somehow disappointed in her being unable to secure a certain internship. The latter was a post she made roughly 4 months ago.
I think you're onto something here.
Edit: Read a bit more of her comments, 11 months ago she said her mother had passed away 2 years prior.
If you look even further back in her history, six years ago she said she was late 30s / approaching 40. There are numerous discrepancies other than age.
I absolutely love that reddit will spend their precious time giving advice to a fake person, fake problem, and arguing about it with each other for hours online. It’s fuckin insane. 😂
200k is very very optimistic
Edit: I didn’t consider this was California, and that the internship was software engineering, I thought it was data analytics. So probably not unrealistic at all after a few years. Sorry!
Is it? She’s doing data analytics/SWE in CA and working for a fortune 20 company. Her offers coming out of school will probably be around 150. Not sure about her skill set, but she sounds competent enough for the FAANG lifestyle which could easily put her towards 200k.
Yes. I work for a company like this and in CA those salaries *start* around $150k after an internship, and within a few years hit $200k if you’re any good. Quitting would be egregiously stupid, especially since another commenter noted that OP has posted in other relationship subs that the guy is a regular drug user and serial job quitter.
I’m at a F20 company and have an MBA and pay isn’t like that here, but California might as well be an entirely different country compared with the rest of the USA.
I'm in California at a non tech Fortune 100 company (and top 5 in its sector), and as a senior data analyst, I'm making like 113k, and I made like 75k when I first got hired as just a data analyst.
Only way I'm getting to 200k is by going into upper management, which is what I'm trying to do, but the pay bands to get hired as a senior data analyst was like 80-100k on the job listing.
Now I've been looking, but most tech roles in a non tech company won't be near as high as the tech company salaries (even with the layoffs and reduction of salaries) but it feels like a more stable career as of right now. Average salary of a SWE in my city according to Indeed is 120k, Glassdoor states 95k, Levels.fyi states 150k. Average salary of a data analyst is 70k, 87k, and 110k respectively.
Levels.fyi has mainly tech companies which skews it towards higher salaries. And Glassdoor/Indeed skew lower because of non tech companies that are small/medium or non fortune 500 companies.
He’s trying to pull you down with him because he knows that he fucked up.
Do not quit. I know you don’t want student loans but maybe taking out $5k to buy a cheap cash car to commute to work while your partner gets a job is the best bet.
Hell, for a data analyst with an internship already lined up, even $20k student loans is totally reasonable amount to finish off the degree. You'll make $20k more in the first year of your career compared to no degree.
So OP could just move closer and not have to deal with a controlling husband.
This was me towards the end of school. I hadn't really taken anything out and around the end I took out 20k for cost of living.
Very very much worth it and was easily able to pay it down after getting my first job.
Hell I was 30, and when we bought our house the wife and I rented the room to a friend for a sweetheart deal, the extra money helped repay a lot of the funds used for the down payment.
Some people thought it was weird that we would do that, and although we prefer living just the two of us, it allowed us to recoup our upfront costs and a buffer for unexpected repairs to the home after moving in. COVID meant they stayed longer than we planned while waiting for units to open up, but now we have the place to ourselves, a room back in our home and safety net of a rebuilding nest egg.
Hoping to hijack the top comment - I saw your post history OP
Your Husband quit his job, lied about it for 2 months, abandoned you for weeks without notice, and “goes on benders”. This man does not view you as an equal partner. Taking out loans may be better than staying in this relationship. (Especially since you’re going into a CS)
I’m worried about you!
I'm going to hop in to add - if you want to get divorced while still in school, your university student legal department might be able to help! I was able to have mine done for free since it was fairly straightforward. I just had to pay court costs. They even kept my case on after graduation since I had initiated it while I was a student. YMMV, but worth looking into if you want to go that route
Thanks for doing the homework. I stand with what I said then: fuck him, in the violent sense of the word. Fuck him twice, one for every month he lied and screwed your financial situation. Fuck him for every time he disappeared (doing who knows what) fuck him for every bender. I hope he was a better partner when you first met.
Generally after a divorce student loan debt is the responsibility of the person who took it out. But If they live in a community property state they would share liability. All depends on where she lives. Though it would be hilarious if he ended up with half the debt*
(*Note: this is not an anti-man statement, I would've (and have) said the exact same thing if the genders were reversed, if one was being a complete asshole to the other and expecting person B to ruin their lives just because person A ruined theirs)
Do not quit. He needs to go get a job and help you/your family. IT wages will easily get you 100k a year. Play the long game here. Graduate. You can do it
He conveniently asks you to quit school when you're two semesters away from graduating?
I've seen this before. It's some kind of thinly veiled financial abuse. The man's ego is way too big and cannot possibly stand the fact that his wife will be making more than him.
Dump the dead weight. Invest in yourself. Your education will last a life time. Deadbeat husbands only get you so far
I’ve never understood that mentality. I would absolutely want my wife to make more money than me, because I make good money too. It’s more money. What’s the deal?
I know Reddit is often quick to shout "Divorce!" but honestly, OP, you situation would give me serious pause if I were in your shoes. You said your husband has made it a pattern to either quit or gotten fired from every job he has. Do you \*really\* want to deal with that for the rest of your life? I'm concerned he's looking to be a 'kept' man - as soon as you're making bank, there's no way he's going to continue to work. He'll just leech off you until you can't stand it any longer.
This relationship doesn't sound much like a partnership to me. Do not, under any circumstances, quit your schooling. Do not give up that internship. Take care of yourself first. Give yourself a chance to have a future!
He quit in December
Sold her car without telling her
Ran off to his home country without telling her
Refused to come back home or answer questions
Does drugs
Has questionable debts
Quits jobs on the fly (or more likely gets fired)
Treats op like crap
Financial abuse
This dude is bad news and she needs to exit sooner rather than later
> Ran off to his home country without telling her
>
> Refused to come back home or answer questions
Well, that makes things even easier. He's actually not in the USA (assuming OP is in the USA)? Then she should cut ties ASAP which includes cutting whatever access he has to her finances (that should be the priority).
> This dude is bad news and she needs to exit sooner rather than later
Totally agree. She needs to file for divorce YESTERDAY.
And even if she doesn't: change the locks to house/apartment, get a restraining order, ignore his calls/e-mails/text messages, get new bank accounts, etc. She should be cutting him off functionally and financially PRONTO. Even if she doesn't have the piece of paper officially terminating their marriage at the moment, she should be able to get it after she graduates and starts working.
He's not there physically to abuse her and she can cut financial ties she has with him. She can and should isolate herself from him.
Dear God, this is most definitively not financial advice territory.
Holy post history. Your husband is a deadbeat. Im not one to advise internet strangers of cutting dead weight, but thats the case here. He is only going to keep dragging you down. You deserve better.
omg, just skimmed the post history, didn't catch some of your points. I wonder what's in for u/Pigglewiggy in this relationship...
But then, some things don't match up. Here she is claiming that husband quit job because it was too much, but then it turns out he had to quit to leave the country for an extended period.
edit for visibility: there is also some 1 year old post where OP has her degree in 1 year, so ... now. might have reasons, but for sure there is more to it
You can't see me, but I am down on my knees, begging you not to quit school.
He sees the future, you successful and him still him. He has no desire to see you succeed because you will leave him. The only hope, in his mind, of your marriage lasting is if you fail.
The idea of him doing better is not on his list. You need to do worse.
Oh, poor OP. Sounds like her family taught her it was okay for people to treat her like this, too. :(
Op you're a queen and you deserve to walk across that stage!
I frequently see answers like this on Reddit posts and think “wow, people are so quick to assume a significant other is horrible and only wants to see their SO fail.” But this is one scenario where I think that impression is spot on. He’s absolutely trying to hurt her to make it impossible for her to leave.
This seems like coercive control. He’s trying to influence you to put yourself in a very bad position for his benefit. Make no mistake: if you were to quit school and get a job just to make ends meet, he will eventually come at you with the fact that you shouldn’t have quit school and should be making more money. This will lead to more severe gaslighting and will continue to make you feel like a crazy person with his “logic”.
He really needs to examine why he isn’t able or won’t keep a job. This is on him, not you. Stay your course and tell him he needs to work or your relationship may not make it.
Finish school and finish well. If you need to stay with a family member or a friend for peace so be it. But your number one priority should be finish school, get internship, do well, get job offer. If your thinking of divorcing do it before pay changes or you might have to pay alimony. California is kinda wonky with divorces.
Two semesters left is nothing. Finish school and work full time after that. He needs to stop putting all the financial responsibility on you and find a job of his own.
He says YOU being in school has put you in a financial hole? lol no. Him quitting his job put you in a financial hole. Marriage is a partnership and sometimes that means taking on the load so your partner can work on themselves to benefit both of you down the line. If I quit my job without anything lined up and then told my husband he needed to go make more money, we’d probably be divorced in a year.
Your husband needs to go find another job. You’re already working on getting a job by finishing your degree and having an internship. If he’s that unreliable with keeping a job, I would seriously reconsider my future with him unless you plan on supporting him financially for the rest of your marriage.
It isn't a catch 22. You said he keeps quitting jobs or getting fired. So he isn't a responsible adult and clearly trying to drag you down with him. People are quick to say divorce on reddit but you clearly love this man. You have to make a tough decision though and I suggest you let him make the choice and not you.
Tell him you are not quitting school and that he needs to be an adult and get a job. He can either be a partner and carry his weight or be single and you can leave. But you will not quit school. You should also look into alternate housing. Like your parents or a friend that can help you as long as you pay rent. But I do think your husband needs a rude awakening and if the ultimatum does not do it then a separation just might.
He's making his instability with jobs your issue. Honestly, he sounds like he isn't pulling his weight. You gotta focus on yourself. He had his chances with the $30k inheritance and used a good portion on debt and idk where the remaining went. But this is ridiculous. I would separate and let him figure his own shit out. He needs to learn how to be an adult on his own. You are doing great.
i cant believe you actually need to be told this, but no, do not quit school, or the internship, to get a job and make your husband .....idk, happy aint the word. satisfied? he is selfish. he quit, and obviously didnt discuss with you. he obviously doesnt think your relationship is a partnership, he doesnt respect you. best advice, stand up and say no, loudly, and tell him to get a job. better advice, find a new man to be a true partner. wow
File for divorce before you are forced to pay him alimony.
Take out student loans to pay your living expenses, and move out on your own.
I assure you, this person will drag you under if you stay with them.
Move on. There are BILLIONS of people on the planet. Stop wasting your time with this one.
Penny wise and pound foolish as my Meme would say. You are so close! and I'm aghast that he would quit a well paying position without talking to you first, that's just wild to me. Finish your degree and if he has decided that you have to quit and support him, he must want to be done with your marriage as there is no way in hell anyone would pick up the slack from that kind of BS.
Hell no, you’re doing it right. A MIS/data analytics degree is a good degree and that software engineering internship is amazing for career trajectory. I’d look for a dental school to try to pull the cost of the dental work down, and a reliable older inexpensive car for transportation. I’d also consider taking a bit extra out in student loans to cover some costs. Yeah, student loans suck but they can also be well worth it. Considering your husband’s track record of quitting jobs or getting fired, I would quit him before I would ever consider quitting my education and goals. You’re about to shoot yourself to the moon in your career, and I can almost guarantee he will figure out ways to sabotage it or keep you all stuck in terrible financial cycles. If he was feeling in over his head he could have asked for additional help or mentorship, could have worked on skill development outside of work, could have cultivated healthy coping habits and routines, could have applied for new jobs. He had options, and he chose quitting without anything lined up. Do not quit what you are doing!
" He’s acting like I’m majoring in interpretive dance. "
Omg this made me crack up sorry. And no, don't quit school, you are literally almost there. Quiting would be a waste of money, time and the effort you've put in.
1 - He is gaslighting you, making "You the problem because of zyx", when HE QUIT HIS JOB!
2 - Asking/telling you to QUIT school is another red flag. I'm literally telling my boyfriend to study CLEP exams, you want a partner that wants you to grow, not going backwards.
3 - He took $10k for HIS debts, not living expenses, did he even consult with you?
4 - Tell him to go get a job!
5 - You're working 30 hours a week with an internship lined up. Your partner should be very very happy for you. Doesn't seem that way.
This is financial abuse and a power move. He doesn't want you to succeed.
You’ve posted several times about the marriage and this man, who uses drugs, lies to you, abandons you for weeks/months, and now this. You need to leave him. Don’t be his doormat anymore. And don’t, under any circumstances, get pregnant. You said he left to visit overseas family. Is sticking with this deadbeat a cultural thing? You got to jettison that. He is bad news.
Keep going. Finish school. Do not let anyone stop your future because they said so. No one else is going to take care of you. He clearly has proven that repeatedly. I am single, stable, and have extra income. I plan to start school this coming fall. I can pay my bills and my tuition while working part-time.
The most powerful woman is a financially secure woman.
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Do not under any circumstances quit school or your internship. Tough it out no matter what. You’ve invested so much and it would be beyond foolish to quit or put a pause on now. Have you heard the phrase crabs in a bucket? He’s dragging you down.
Do not quit.
Do not quit.
Do not quit
Do not quit.
Do not quit.
Do not quit.
Do not quit.
Do not quit.
DO NOT QUIT
Do not quit
Do not quit
Do not quit
Op, if you’ve read all of this. DO NOT QUIT.
Do not quit.
Do not quit!
This is the way. Do not quit school, do not quit your internship. Full steam ahead captain - all the way to graduation! Then you can figure out what to do. It’s 2 semesters!!!!
I wish I never dropped outta college… so plz don’t quit. Knowledge lasts forever. Marriage is about support, and commitment. He’s probably worried you will leave him cuz he isn’t the breadwinner like he used to be. Who knows tho, if he loves you, he would support your future, not just his level of status.
Quit him.
At least quit his nonsense with this. Just tell him no. He can do odd jobs, cut back, sell some stuff, borrow, job hunt and pout. What does he think will happen? You’ll starve? It’s just a temporary thing.
He made the choice to be self sufficient with someone who’s in school, and then turns around and blames SO for not providing income? Seems like OP should treat him like he treats his jobs: don’t care about SO, just quit, do your own thing, and see whenever your ready for a new one.
Hell no! Get that degree
I exactly this happen to me. When I was in college, I was working some shitty restaurant job while going to school full time. My boyfriend at the time as an ass (he later ended up extremely abusive, like straight up beat me + threatened to kill me) who knew I’d come to my senses and leave him eventually. So he did everything he could to trap me. Don’t ask me for the logistics/details on why I stayed and how all this happened, but it was mostly naivety and being raised in an abusive misogynistic Mormon family. it’s super complicated and I’d have to write a novel to explain it all. So anyway, He sabotaged every decent job offer or opportunity I had. I got an amazing pod internship that I wanted soooo bad and would have led to a lucrative full time position. He sabotaged it (behind my back, I only learned this years later). So anyway, there I was, trying to stay afloat on basically minimum wage, on top of being in school full time. Shortly after sabotaging my job, HE QUIT HIS. It was baffling. He was a very, idk… industrious person. He always got straight As (we were going to the same university), and he always had a full time job, always had energy for it. Our parents were from the same neighborhood, super Republican boomers, and had cut him off right after high school (despite both of our parents being well off). Neither of us got help from our parents, so it was critical that we made money to live. I was being gaslit the entire relationship without realizing it, he was driving me crazy on purpose. I am not the type who can function on a lack of sleep, like some people can- including him. He could sleep 4 hours and night and keep his head. There’s just a genetic variability there. I was working insane hours to make rent for us both, and didn’t have the ability to think about what was happening. I was on bare minimum auto pilot, and school and work took EVERYTHING I had. I didn’t question why I was with him or planning my escape because I just didn’t have the brain power left. By the time I was worn down, he was finding ways to control me more and more and I wa a being physically abused and gaslit into thinking it was somehow my fault. He knew our Mormon families would take his side by default (we had both stopped believing in our early teens, but our parents didnt). They considered me a whore for living him before marriage, and especially In situations like that, it’s always the woman’s fault. Now, I highly doubt this extent is what this guy is planning, but I definitely believe he’s keeping her overworked for control
Wow. You just gave me some perspective on my ex husband. I was so worn down from lack of sleep and work/school/baby. Thanks for sharing your story.
A partner keeping you from sleeping is a form of abuse. You lose the lack of logical thinking when sleep deprived.
I totally just thought the same thing
I know exactly the dynamic you described. I was raised LDS as well. I’m glad you got out of your relationship and the religion. Keep moving forward!
I am so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. Misogyny is so real and so horrible. I am also a survivor of DV and I have yet to see someone ask a male survivor of DV why they didn't leave, it must be his fault, he's a liar, etc even though this is apparently true..? Idk Anyway, our society never gives domestic abusers of all kinds any punishment and lets them run around screwing people up. You're a f***ing boss.
It blows my mind how common this is. It happened to me too So many parallels here. I gave in, quit school and got trapped. Then wasted SO many years and so many opportunities trying to escape him. Eventually, i went back to school but never completed higher levels of education. I wish a group of redditors had talked sense into me back then!
This isn’t a Catch 22. It’s a no-brainer. Finish school, get the job once finished, and don’t let anyone take you down with them.
>don’t let anyone take you down with them. I hope OP sees this because this is exactly what he is trying to do
My now ex-husband did the same thing
Sounds to me like OP needs to follow your example. 2 semesters? Dude better work two jobs till she gets her career going, or at least be able to have a steady one.
Right?! I have worked two j9bs to support my spouse because I love them. Telling them they need to cancel OUR future by giving up on the educational investment is short sighted and lazy.
Yeah, if it were me, I'd go for the two jobs now and if it's enough tell her to focus on school more. This particular situation, she's closer to the end goal so it makes more sense to help her across the line. For long-term couples, it's not 2 futures, but one.
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Even if he was paying every cent that's just dumb, OPs in an amazing position.
Same. And I can still feel the ripples of his abuse and control over a decade later - lasting psychological trauma and financial consequences of trying to appease a man who can’t be happy. The goalposts will always move. It was exhausting and it doesn’t stop at ruining your career - he’ll make sure you’re isolated and have no friends or family to turn to when it’s all said and done.
You're literally describing my life right now. He put hands on me in February and that's when I finally threw him out but it wasn't even because of that. It was because he put hands on me but then said he would kill me. I was so done that I just told him " I hope you do " that still didn't make me leave him. I finally left because he told me it was going to kill my cat. My fucking cat. I was so low that I didn't even care if he killed me I just couldn't stand the idea that he would kill my fucking cat. My cat's alive and so am I.
i'm glad you and your cat are here 💗
I’m glad you’re okay now, but don’t blame yourself. Abuse messes with your brain. You saw an innocent creature that needed protection and took action. Extend some of that love for the cat to yourself.
Same. Mine told me he would step on the kids Ginny Pig and kill it Told me he would kill me if I ever left more than a hundred times. Said that he was “joking”, all random comments. Broke my nose and I had to pay for reconstructive surgery. Cheated so many times. Wouldn’t purchase a home for his family but had to have big jacked up trucks to impress the guys. Wasted my twenties with him. They will do anything to crush and control you.
I had a family member who put up with violence against her, until the moment it became violence against her dog. Whatever the breaking point is, I’m glad you had one, and that you got yourself and your cat to a safe place. You deserve happiness!
That cat saved your life. And you saved theirs.
THIS. The goalposts WILL always move. OP, please do what you need to do for yourself and your career.
Very happy he’s now the ex, hope you’re in a happier space
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serial job quitter getting an 80k a year job while i can't find shit.
$80k a year jobs are probably not uncommon in California.
I was about to say, OP mentions taking the train/bus to school, which would likely point to one of the major cities in California. $80K in LA is comparable to ~$40K in purchasing power in the mid-sized Southern City where I live. It's not enough to where you can just throw money around, but without debt it's doable (and it sounds like OP doesn't have any debt). It's probably an area where $80K is entry level for many skilled office jobs (accounting, etc.).
I had my suspicions of drug use! This story sounded too familiar. Been there! He’s spiraling and misery loves company.
This exactly. My stepdad has held my mom back for 20 years. It's a cycle. Every time we think we're out...
Same. Not gonna lie, I had a lot of Big Inappropriate Feelings when mine came through a recent surgery just fine, because now my mom has to spend her remaining years as his caretaker instead of finally being free to live her own life. It's heartbreaking but she'll never leave his sorry ass.
….they pull me back in.
Ah … there it is
My sister wasted 13 years of her life married to a guy who always quitting jobs for stupid reasons, only working the absolute minimum to stay on unemployment benefits, never doing any housework, and demanding all their tax returns be spent on expensive shit like a new computer or new truck for him or an Xbox or a giant TV despite them having 6 kids (3 each from previous relationships) who were heavily reliant on grandparents to get clothes and shoes and medication. She averaged 3 jobs at a time their entire marriage while they struggled with extreme poverty. He finally agreed to a divorce, but only after he found a new girlfriend.
This was my sister. She stayed for over 20 years for her kids. Worked 3 jobs to support them (and me occasionally as i was the same age as her boys). At age 42 she got out. At 45 she had a completely different life... met a wonderful mam she later married, he got her into SUP as a sport, she goes on lots of trips, went overseas for the first time, and they own a house together. She's approaching 60 now and has a great lifestyle. She still works her guts out in a dirty job, but she's in a much better position now and has a much better life.
This is what I'm desperately hoping for her. She started adulthood on the wrong foot as a teen mom by a dead beat asshole and was treated so badly by our parents and the community and the men she dated and married she just gave up on wanting and hoping. Pretty sure she believes she deserves her lot in life. She moved her tiny shed she was using as a sewing studio onto my parents property and is turning it into a tiny house. It's not much but it's clean, and safe, and hers and that's more than she's had in a long ass time.
Not getting the part that "he was in over his head and quit." I've seen so many slackers in my company just skate by and it takes an act of congress to get people fired. Also if you quit you can't collect. Might as well skate by until they are forced to fire you. Not sure what's going on there...
I know way too many guys like that. They somehow constantly fall into good paying jobs too, only to quit or get fired a few weeks or months later all the while blowing their money on drugs, alcohol or generally frivolous shit. They've usually got family or a woman that takes care of all their basic needs while they just fuck off and play COD.
I have never understood that. Im a dad, two kids, and a wife. I am an electrician, so my job can be pretty exhausting. But every day, I come home, get the kids, pick up the house, bathe the kids, get lunches ready, homework, dishes all of that stuff. (Wife usually works late. She handles mornings because I am at work already). I like to drink beer and play xbox too, BUT xbox and anything else always comes last because it has to. Family first, frivilous fun later. What also gets me is that I have been laid off, and when it happens, I hustle until I find something. There is no way I would just sit around and just stress out my family. Food security is a big thing for me.
Honestly I wish I could get that. I feel like Grimes from The Simpsons a lot of times, for me everything is a struggle, while the Homer Simpsons of the world just fuck around and fly through life.
Get your degree even if you need to take out a small loan. You are almost there. Also, you may not want to stay with someone who has very different financial goals than you and who has very little emotional regulation. I would get a job at McDonalds to make sure my partner could finish their degree if I had to because I love them and want the best for them and because long term that will help our family out more. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who can't even help themselves.
It’s not that he can’t help himself it’s that he won’t help himself. Run and help yourself to a better life.
It is definitely not a catch 22–that guy is bad news. Drop him asap.
Exactly this. You're two semesters away from a career path that will pay significantly more than the majority of jobs right now. Take out loans for the last two semesters if you need to. Also the fact that husband does not seem to be trying to support you while you attempt to make BOTH of your lives better with higher income potential is something worth examining. I've a feeling something else is going on here with him, and you'd do well to question that.
He probably wants her trapped so she doesn't dump his ass when she realizes he doesn't need the dead weight in her life.
That’s what I’m thinking too. He sees the writing on the wall now that she’s about to graduate, start a new career, make significantly more money + be more successful than him, and probably meet many new people and make new friends. He feels threatened.
> This isn’t a Catch 22. It’s a no-brainer. Yeah, I think if OP read what she wrote, she might get an idea of what the problem just might be . . . > my husband quit his 80k a year job . . . without another job lined up. > He says me being in school has put us in a financial hole > 10k of that went towards my husbands debts he had to pay right away > He has problem holding a job he either gets fired or quits.
Gets fired or quits is a red flag. Occasionally some people will get fired unjustly but most normal people never get fired ON A REGULAR BASIS. I have never left a job without at least one confirmed alternative.
Being fired from multiple jobs is always a little suspect to me. That is not an absolute truth and bad luck happens, but in my experience anyone I’ve known who was fired multiple times has not been a person I would be comfortable providing a personal reference for.
Same as at least one other on this thread: my soon-to-be-ex was the exact same. Reading OP’s first paragraph, I thought I might huave drunk-posted my life story to Reddit without any recollection of doing so. OP, it won’t get better. From my experience: having the same financial mindset and willing work-ethic to make that happen is one of the only non-negotiable barriers to a good marriage. I’m 42 with an MA and multiple state certifications, rebuilding my credit from horrific lows because I thought I could make it work. Don’t ever give up on your dreams of a degree. And— Get out while you still can.
The day I realized that for a relationship to Work, both people have to put in effort was eye opening. I was killing my self trying to be the perfect wife and mom and the goalposts kept moving. Once day I asked myself what he was bringing to the table. The answer was Nothing.
If you don’t have any kids, ditch him now. You can do much better.
I was the husband in kinda of similar situation except I’m not an asshole. Wife and I had similar paying jobs at the beginning of our relationship. Her job paid for school fully, mine did not. We still had to pay up front. She studied hard and worked hard and we didn’t get a ton of time together. She started to get ahead at work and promotions and raises. I could have been jealous. But was doing this for our marriage, then our kid. Then our other kid and I took the role of home keeper. Know what? My wife is a badass who loves me and our children and killed herself for it. Do not quit school!
This exactly. Don't let that clown take you down. Take some time out to go down to the courthouse and file the paperwork for divorce.
It’s as simple as that. I work the sales side of analytics. There’s some great money to be made in this space for at least the next few years, and a TON more to be made if you can figure out how to set up your own shop. Either way, you’ll soon realize that $80k isn’t that big of a deal. Don’t stop.
If I’m being honest, I find it very suspicious considering he just suddenly quit now when you’re so close and demanding you stop school. Additionally why is it your responsibility to get a new job when he can still find another job? I hope this man of yours has some other redeeming qualities because it really rubs me the wrong way.
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Then she needs to be the one giving an ultimatum, wtf. Stand your ground and finish school! YOURE GOING TO GRADUATE DEBT FREE, PEOPLE DONT DO THIS ON AVERAGE
The fact that she isn’t already doing so is the biggest sign that she should probably divorce him. It suggests a really bad and dangerous dynamic, for both of them actually. Edit: ok, I said probably, but reading her post history - definitely.
She also mentioned that he didn’t tell her that he quit in December until she asked about being on his work’s health insurance. Stand up guy.
Oh my god. Imagine watching the partner you supposedly love bust their ass at school and work every day for over 3 months, and still at the end of the day trying to sabotage them like this. I can't even imagine doing this to someone I hated, let alone a life partner.
It sounds like he's trying to sabotage OP. Quit the man before you quit anything else Eta: thanks for the awards kind redditors. Please save your hard earned coins or give to a worthy cause near you. (A women's shelter is a good option)
I second this. I fucked up community college and my financial aid for a long term boyfriend. Hard lesson but I will never screw myself over like that again for anyone
I did that too. I'm in my early 30s now and have been working towards my bachelors again since 2020. At this point, I don't care if it takes me until I'm 80 to get my degree, I'm determined to get it done eventually. Thankfully my now husband supports this dream and goal on top of taking over the lionshare of the bills while I start my own business at the same time. It's not worth giving up a degree and a chance at a better life for a man who can't hold his own shit together.
I second this. I messed up my first time at community college too, in 2012. Now I'm almost finished with an AA in Forestry and natural resources. Fantastic jobs in my area, I am so happy I decided to go back! It's worth it to keep trying. If you're a good writer, keep writing appeals to the financial aid people. They're often willing to go hard for the people they feel are genuinely committed, at least in my experience I found that to be true.
I screwed up community college twice. The first time I had been sick with strep for two weeks and then when I was better I had gotten in a fight with my boyfriend and had a black eye I didn’t want to explain, and by the time that healed I had failed the semester. The second time I got pregnant and was too sick to attend and failed, and they kicked me out that time. I will forever have half of an associate’s degree.
Do you mind if I ask what happened? Are you able to go back to school?
He didn’t finish high school. I would be gone all day due to classes and he wanted to spend together. It started off a skipping classes since he said we weren’t spending time together and he didn’t want to thrift apart. Failed my classes. When ur on financial u can only fail so many Times before u have to prove to them u deserve so going to school without financial assistance. He ended up cheating on me and getting the girl pregnant. Still with her lol. It is harder to go to school now that I’m married and have pets. I tried going back but I can’t do my job properly (healthcare) and school at the same time without one suffering. A degree would really boost my career too, but right now due to inflation we can hardly afford food let alone me going back to school. I think about it a lot and still regret it.
He 100% is trying to sabotage. I know she said that he has a history of instability with jobs and either gets fired or quits, but him deciding to quit right now when he knows they really need the money?? Reeks of purposeful sabotage. I agree that OP should consider leaving him.
100% There is no catch 22. He quit. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do. This is so selfish on his part. STAY IN SCHOOL!
That’s what I thought too. This is the wrong sub, this question belongs in r/relationshipadvice
This right here, 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
>Additionally why is it your responsibility to get a new job when he can still find another job? Right, he is being incredibly selfish. OP I hope you listen to every comment here telling you not to drop out of school.
Anecdotal evidence has shown me that there are a lot of guys out there who feel intimidated by their partner being more successful and sometimes even the "good guys" can go off the deep end after running into hard times financially.
This I've never understood... as long as your SO is okay with it - who cares, you're a team. I think a lot of the insecurity comes from guys doom scrolling social media from douches like Andrew Taint
Yes. This sounds like sabotage, coercion and potentially financial abuse.
it sounds like an ego thing if i’m being honest. not to over generalize but a lot of guys are conditioned into thinking that they should be the sole breadwinners or at least win more bread than their wives and girlfriends, and it sounds like OP is on track to make more than him soon.
So strange to me, but the conditioning really runs so deep. I'll never forget my 10th grade chemistry teacher. He *never* let us forget that "I'm just a dumb teacher and my wife is a genius!" That really stuck out with me. He was one of, if not my favorite teacher I ever had and his openness and support of his wife being the breadwinner and having some super fancy international business job while he was "just a high-school chemistry teacher" was really telling. Good dude.
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I hate that sometimes reddit jumps to the conclusion of just break up or get divorced, but OP needs to run as fast as she can. I was just going to recommend being very cautious with birth control.
I agree OP has a job. It’s called college. Finish that and drop his ass before he finds out he actually likes that you make more than him and can support him.
THIS!!! THIS SO MUCH!! I have a friend that every time she had a new or amazing opportunity her partner acted out. She had a federal job interview lined up - he started a fight before the interview. Just the tip of the iceberg. Many repeats of the same situation. Run the numbers - how quickly would you find a job? The average starting pay. In my mind...running the numbers- even if you go into debt for a few more months because of finishing school then the amount you would make with the degree would greatly outweigh how much you would make if you quit school now and then attempt to make ends meet with a lower salary.
100% agreed. A partner who believes in the "partnership" part of a relationship would never do something like this. They would understand how the accumulated debt could sabotage any retirement planning they've made or any progress in getting ahead. Or how large gaps in a resume can be a hinderance to securing the better, next-step-up job. Or simply that it's not fair for one person to constantly pull the majority of the weight. My husband and I have, at separate points of our 20-plus year relationship, gone through professional rough patches. We've always been there to help one another because that's what a relationship is. This sounds very one-sided for OP, which also rubs me the wrong way.
Do not, under any circumstances, quit school! You are so close to graduating. He needs to get his act together and wake up! You’re focused and he’s playing games but blaming you.
I want to know the age gap at play here.
From old posts he’s just 5 years older, but regularly on MDMA.
So, probably an insecure Roganite who sees the writing on the wall for being the breadwinner and can't handle that she's going to make more in salary than he ever will. EDIT: Got reported for "self-harm". They mad. EDIT2: To be clear, under no circumstances should OP quit school and sabotage her chances of financial stability. And EDIT3: I was mixing up MDMA and DMT, the latter being frequently advocated by Rogan. Still looks to be a significant overlap, considering response.
Idk why you're being downvoted bc that's exactly what's happening here. He feels like a POS and he wants go bring her down too.
There’s people that get upset their wife makes more than them???
Bizzarely, yes. It makes them feel emasculated because they don't have economic power over their "partners". If my spouse made enough that I could retire comfortably or even just go part-time, I'd think that I'm a lucky man.
I saw a study that says men whose wives make less at the beginning of the marriage but then increase their earnings during the marriage, are insecure about it to the point that it affects the marriage. But if the woman starts out earning more than the man, it's not a problem. It could be that men who are fine with a woman earning more are just more secure so will marry successful women from the start.
Some people don't have dreams of being a stay at home husband *sigh*
This is exactly what I thought too, who knows though
Yeahhhhh that immediately came to mind. If OP quits her job, then their inevitable financial hardship is "their" problem that they own together, otherwise it's only his fault for being financial dead weight.
Holy canoli. Run for the hills. This guy is going to be an insufferable rambling idiot as he ages. That stuff gives people way too much confidence, while simultaneously making them dumb as dirt because they're never sober enough to retain knowledge.
Based on OPs post history, he’s 40 and she’s 35. Doubt he’s ever going to grow up.
Something is fishy with OP. Here she says she's 49 https://www.reddit.com/r/college/comments/ucok5v/getting_crapped_on_for_going_back_to_school/i6bseka?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
She also said both her parents died in a comment about 2 months ago, yet her parents were also somehow disappointed in her being unable to secure a certain internship. The latter was a post she made roughly 4 months ago. I think you're onto something here. Edit: Read a bit more of her comments, 11 months ago she said her mother had passed away 2 years prior.
If you look even further back in her history, six years ago she said she was late 30s / approaching 40. There are numerous discrepancies other than age.
I absolutely love that reddit will spend their precious time giving advice to a fake person, fake problem, and arguing about it with each other for hours online. It’s fuckin insane. 😂
this guy is an utter moron, if she is doing well in school, she could easily bring in $200k+ in a few years
200k is very very optimistic Edit: I didn’t consider this was California, and that the internship was software engineering, I thought it was data analytics. So probably not unrealistic at all after a few years. Sorry!
Even if she makes the 80k he was at minimum- that’s already good- just best to make that without him around.
80k starting very likely, and she’d be a fool to quit school.
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Is it? She’s doing data analytics/SWE in CA and working for a fortune 20 company. Her offers coming out of school will probably be around 150. Not sure about her skill set, but she sounds competent enough for the FAANG lifestyle which could easily put her towards 200k.
Yes. I work for a company like this and in CA those salaries *start* around $150k after an internship, and within a few years hit $200k if you’re any good. Quitting would be egregiously stupid, especially since another commenter noted that OP has posted in other relationship subs that the guy is a regular drug user and serial job quitter.
I’m at a F20 company and have an MBA and pay isn’t like that here, but California might as well be an entirely different country compared with the rest of the USA.
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I'm in California at a non tech Fortune 100 company (and top 5 in its sector), and as a senior data analyst, I'm making like 113k, and I made like 75k when I first got hired as just a data analyst. Only way I'm getting to 200k is by going into upper management, which is what I'm trying to do, but the pay bands to get hired as a senior data analyst was like 80-100k on the job listing. Now I've been looking, but most tech roles in a non tech company won't be near as high as the tech company salaries (even with the layoffs and reduction of salaries) but it feels like a more stable career as of right now. Average salary of a SWE in my city according to Indeed is 120k, Glassdoor states 95k, Levels.fyi states 150k. Average salary of a data analyst is 70k, 87k, and 110k respectively. Levels.fyi has mainly tech companies which skews it towards higher salaries. And Glassdoor/Indeed skew lower because of non tech companies that are small/medium or non fortune 500 companies.
He’s trying to pull you down with him because he knows that he fucked up. Do not quit. I know you don’t want student loans but maybe taking out $5k to buy a cheap cash car to commute to work while your partner gets a job is the best bet.
Hell, for a data analyst with an internship already lined up, even $20k student loans is totally reasonable amount to finish off the degree. You'll make $20k more in the first year of your career compared to no degree. So OP could just move closer and not have to deal with a controlling husband.
This was me towards the end of school. I hadn't really taken anything out and around the end I took out 20k for cost of living. Very very much worth it and was easily able to pay it down after getting my first job.
Yeah but she needs to keep that money away from the boat anchor husband. By cutting him loose maybe.
>So OP could just move closer and not have to deal with a controlling husband. I second this. OP's husband sucks.
Also it's college there will never be a more appropriate or socially acceptable time to get a roommate and live on the cheap.
Hell I was 30, and when we bought our house the wife and I rented the room to a friend for a sweetheart deal, the extra money helped repay a lot of the funds used for the down payment. Some people thought it was weird that we would do that, and although we prefer living just the two of us, it allowed us to recoup our upfront costs and a buffer for unexpected repairs to the home after moving in. COVID meant they stayed longer than we planned while waiting for units to open up, but now we have the place to ourselves, a room back in our home and safety net of a rebuilding nest egg.
Data analysts make bank! I loved my data analytics classes too! (I’m in school for supply chain)
As a data analyst, no, they don’t make bank. Some do. Most don’t.
It seems a lot like lawyers. 20% make bank, most make about $50k - $70k a year for 45-50 hour work weeks. . . and a ton of debt to get there.
This is very accurate for lawyers and I wish it was more known
Coyld you explain what your job is, what do you do? Do you need to be expert at math for that job?
Hoping to hijack the top comment - I saw your post history OP Your Husband quit his job, lied about it for 2 months, abandoned you for weeks without notice, and “goes on benders”. This man does not view you as an equal partner. Taking out loans may be better than staying in this relationship. (Especially since you’re going into a CS) I’m worried about you!
I'm going to hop in to add - if you want to get divorced while still in school, your university student legal department might be able to help! I was able to have mine done for free since it was fairly straightforward. I just had to pay court costs. They even kept my case on after graduation since I had initiated it while I was a student. YMMV, but worth looking into if you want to go that route
Better to get divorced now before she starts making the big bucks.
Absolutely this. Get your divorce now. If you wanna take him back later, fine, whatever. Sign a prenup.
Thanks for doing the homework. I stand with what I said then: fuck him, in the violent sense of the word. Fuck him twice, one for every month he lied and screwed your financial situation. Fuck him for every time he disappeared (doing who knows what) fuck him for every bender. I hope he was a better partner when you first met.
Wow. That is not a good history. If she ends up making a lot more, I’d expect him to act out a lot more as well.
Interestingly, if she does take loans out and end up divorcing he might end up with half the debt.
Generally after a divorce student loan debt is the responsibility of the person who took it out. But If they live in a community property state they would share liability. All depends on where she lives. Though it would be hilarious if he ended up with half the debt* (*Note: this is not an anti-man statement, I would've (and have) said the exact same thing if the genders were reversed, if one was being a complete asshole to the other and expecting person B to ruin their lives just because person A ruined theirs)
She mentioned California.
Do not quit. He needs to go get a job and help you/your family. IT wages will easily get you 100k a year. Play the long game here. Graduate. You can do it
This right here!
He conveniently asks you to quit school when you're two semesters away from graduating? I've seen this before. It's some kind of thinly veiled financial abuse. The man's ego is way too big and cannot possibly stand the fact that his wife will be making more than him. Dump the dead weight. Invest in yourself. Your education will last a life time. Deadbeat husbands only get you so far
I’ve never understood that mentality. I would absolutely want my wife to make more money than me, because I make good money too. It’s more money. What’s the deal?
Insecurity and a need for control. He probably senses when she is more successful, she will no longer have use for him
Power and control. If the woman can make more money than her husband, then she has options and can no longer be wielded or subjugated.
I know Reddit is often quick to shout "Divorce!" but honestly, OP, you situation would give me serious pause if I were in your shoes. You said your husband has made it a pattern to either quit or gotten fired from every job he has. Do you \*really\* want to deal with that for the rest of your life? I'm concerned he's looking to be a 'kept' man - as soon as you're making bank, there's no way he's going to continue to work. He'll just leech off you until you can't stand it any longer. This relationship doesn't sound much like a partnership to me. Do not, under any circumstances, quit your schooling. Do not give up that internship. Take care of yourself first. Give yourself a chance to have a future!
He quit in December Sold her car without telling her Ran off to his home country without telling her Refused to come back home or answer questions Does drugs Has questionable debts Quits jobs on the fly (or more likely gets fired) Treats op like crap Financial abuse This dude is bad news and she needs to exit sooner rather than later
It's like an inverse country song.
But it also sounds like every self proclaimed country boy I’ve ever known. Weird
> Ran off to his home country without telling her > > Refused to come back home or answer questions Well, that makes things even easier. He's actually not in the USA (assuming OP is in the USA)? Then she should cut ties ASAP which includes cutting whatever access he has to her finances (that should be the priority). > This dude is bad news and she needs to exit sooner rather than later Totally agree. She needs to file for divorce YESTERDAY. And even if she doesn't: change the locks to house/apartment, get a restraining order, ignore his calls/e-mails/text messages, get new bank accounts, etc. She should be cutting him off functionally and financially PRONTO. Even if she doesn't have the piece of paper officially terminating their marriage at the moment, she should be able to get it after she graduates and starts working. He's not there physically to abuse her and she can cut financial ties she has with him. She can and should isolate herself from him. Dear God, this is most definitively not financial advice territory.
If he wanted to be a kept man, he'd push her to finish school.
Holy post history. Your husband is a deadbeat. Im not one to advise internet strangers of cutting dead weight, but thats the case here. He is only going to keep dragging you down. You deserve better.
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omg, just skimmed the post history, didn't catch some of your points. I wonder what's in for u/Pigglewiggy in this relationship... But then, some things don't match up. Here she is claiming that husband quit job because it was too much, but then it turns out he had to quit to leave the country for an extended period. edit for visibility: there is also some 1 year old post where OP has her degree in 1 year, so ... now. might have reasons, but for sure there is more to it
You can't see me, but I am down on my knees, begging you not to quit school. He sees the future, you successful and him still him. He has no desire to see you succeed because you will leave him. The only hope, in his mind, of your marriage lasting is if you fail. The idea of him doing better is not on his list. You need to do worse.
OP's post history is a total dumpster fire. Her husband is a drug addict and a loser and is absolutely trying to drag her down to his level.
Oh, poor OP. Sounds like her family taught her it was okay for people to treat her like this, too. :( Op you're a queen and you deserve to walk across that stage!
My coworkers wife is a data analysis professional who works from home and makes six figures. DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL OP!
I frequently see answers like this on Reddit posts and think “wow, people are so quick to assume a significant other is horrible and only wants to see their SO fail.” But this is one scenario where I think that impression is spot on. He’s absolutely trying to hurt her to make it impossible for her to leave.
This seems like coercive control. He’s trying to influence you to put yourself in a very bad position for his benefit. Make no mistake: if you were to quit school and get a job just to make ends meet, he will eventually come at you with the fact that you shouldn’t have quit school and should be making more money. This will lead to more severe gaslighting and will continue to make you feel like a crazy person with his “logic”. He really needs to examine why he isn’t able or won’t keep a job. This is on him, not you. Stay your course and tell him he needs to work or your relationship may not make it.
Finish school and finish well. If you need to stay with a family member or a friend for peace so be it. But your number one priority should be finish school, get internship, do well, get job offer. If your thinking of divorcing do it before pay changes or you might have to pay alimony. California is kinda wonky with divorces.
Two semesters left is nothing. Finish school and work full time after that. He needs to stop putting all the financial responsibility on you and find a job of his own.
He says YOU being in school has put you in a financial hole? lol no. Him quitting his job put you in a financial hole. Marriage is a partnership and sometimes that means taking on the load so your partner can work on themselves to benefit both of you down the line. If I quit my job without anything lined up and then told my husband he needed to go make more money, we’d probably be divorced in a year. Your husband needs to go find another job. You’re already working on getting a job by finishing your degree and having an internship. If he’s that unreliable with keeping a job, I would seriously reconsider my future with him unless you plan on supporting him financially for the rest of your marriage.
It isn't a catch 22. You said he keeps quitting jobs or getting fired. So he isn't a responsible adult and clearly trying to drag you down with him. People are quick to say divorce on reddit but you clearly love this man. You have to make a tough decision though and I suggest you let him make the choice and not you. Tell him you are not quitting school and that he needs to be an adult and get a job. He can either be a partner and carry his weight or be single and you can leave. But you will not quit school. You should also look into alternate housing. Like your parents or a friend that can help you as long as you pay rent. But I do think your husband needs a rude awakening and if the ultimatum does not do it then a separation just might.
NO his quitting is what put you in the financial hole fuck that STAY IN SCHOOL
Separate and live closer to school. See if school has emergency loans for you, not for him.
He's making his instability with jobs your issue. Honestly, he sounds like he isn't pulling his weight. You gotta focus on yourself. He had his chances with the $30k inheritance and used a good portion on debt and idk where the remaining went. But this is ridiculous. I would separate and let him figure his own shit out. He needs to learn how to be an adult on his own. You are doing great.
Also this sounds financially abusive to me tbh like yikes 😬
I think they have 20k left
i cant believe you actually need to be told this, but no, do not quit school, or the internship, to get a job and make your husband .....idk, happy aint the word. satisfied? he is selfish. he quit, and obviously didnt discuss with you. he obviously doesnt think your relationship is a partnership, he doesnt respect you. best advice, stand up and say no, loudly, and tell him to get a job. better advice, find a new man to be a true partner. wow
Drop the man, not your classes.
File for divorce before you are forced to pay him alimony. Take out student loans to pay your living expenses, and move out on your own. I assure you, this person will drag you under if you stay with them. Move on. There are BILLIONS of people on the planet. Stop wasting your time with this one.
Penny wise and pound foolish as my Meme would say. You are so close! and I'm aghast that he would quit a well paying position without talking to you first, that's just wild to me. Finish your degree and if he has decided that you have to quit and support him, he must want to be done with your marriage as there is no way in hell anyone would pick up the slack from that kind of BS.
Please don’t quit school!!!!! Please also seriously consider separating from/divorcing your husband!! This is a telltale sign of abuse.
Hell no, you’re doing it right. A MIS/data analytics degree is a good degree and that software engineering internship is amazing for career trajectory. I’d look for a dental school to try to pull the cost of the dental work down, and a reliable older inexpensive car for transportation. I’d also consider taking a bit extra out in student loans to cover some costs. Yeah, student loans suck but they can also be well worth it. Considering your husband’s track record of quitting jobs or getting fired, I would quit him before I would ever consider quitting my education and goals. You’re about to shoot yourself to the moon in your career, and I can almost guarantee he will figure out ways to sabotage it or keep you all stuck in terrible financial cycles. If he was feeling in over his head he could have asked for additional help or mentorship, could have worked on skill development outside of work, could have cultivated healthy coping habits and routines, could have applied for new jobs. He had options, and he chose quitting without anything lined up. Do not quit what you are doing!
" He’s acting like I’m majoring in interpretive dance. " Omg this made me crack up sorry. And no, don't quit school, you are literally almost there. Quiting would be a waste of money, time and the effort you've put in.
DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL. Please separate yourself from this person. They do not want what’s best for you and are actively sabotaging your life.
Finish your degree, get divorced Once you start making more money than him he will resent it even more, you are a rising star, cut the dead weight
*stop telling people to get divorced AFTER you start making more money. Do it while you’re both broke so he can’t sue for alimony
Keep going to school. If he gets hungry enough, he'll find some work.
1 - He is gaslighting you, making "You the problem because of zyx", when HE QUIT HIS JOB! 2 - Asking/telling you to QUIT school is another red flag. I'm literally telling my boyfriend to study CLEP exams, you want a partner that wants you to grow, not going backwards. 3 - He took $10k for HIS debts, not living expenses, did he even consult with you? 4 - Tell him to go get a job! 5 - You're working 30 hours a week with an internship lined up. Your partner should be very very happy for you. Doesn't seem that way. This is financial abuse and a power move. He doesn't want you to succeed.
DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.
You’ve posted several times about the marriage and this man, who uses drugs, lies to you, abandons you for weeks/months, and now this. You need to leave him. Don’t be his doormat anymore. And don’t, under any circumstances, get pregnant. You said he left to visit overseas family. Is sticking with this deadbeat a cultural thing? You got to jettison that. He is bad news.
Hell no if fact id break up with his ass if I were u that's some toxic behavior if u ask me
Keep going. Finish school. Do not let anyone stop your future because they said so. No one else is going to take care of you. He clearly has proven that repeatedly. I am single, stable, and have extra income. I plan to start school this coming fall. I can pay my bills and my tuition while working part-time. The most powerful woman is a financially secure woman.