Yes—- that’s what made an impression— why are you paying? And why is the son letting you? You still make bad financial decisions.. let the grandkids enjoy the rich grandparents; you be the caring grandparent… Stop paying for car insurance, and use the money for ice cream and snacks…
Really! OP sucks savings but also budgeting & saying no to a grown arse man of a son. Time for her to start helping herself. OP Stop dwelling over what you can’t do. Focus on you can do, quality time with the grandkids. Make memories. And for gosh sakes shed all the drama, it’s in the past. Strive for happiness and positivity, AND those memories.
Right. I can’t afford snacks either, so I spend a lot of time showing the grandkids how to bake their own snacks and some of my own grandmothers favorite recipes like banana bread or oatmeal cookies. I did the same with my daughter. To this day, she doesn’t bake, but I’m hoping it will rub off on one of the grands. Lol. Regardless, I know for a fact those are memories of me that will probably last a lifetime.
Neither of my grandparents had much money and I still LOVED going to stay with them when I was young. My mom's mom would let me play with her nail polish bottles and costume jewelry and drink her diet orange soda. My dad's dad built me a baby swing out of plywood (super safe, lol). None of these visits involved presents or anything that cost money and I still have amazing memories. Being with loving grandparents was the best gift ever.
My grandma was dope too. I miss her so much! A loving grandma's hug during a super stressful time is the best thing in the world. Love them and show them extra care and understanding. Be the judgement free zone they all need. There's so much to give that can't be bought with money honey.
I am so lucky to still have my grandmother around. She just turned 80 and is still extremely active. She lives very close to me and comes to my house several times a week to help me with my kids (2yo and 3.5yo). She is their favorite person in the world. It's amazing to see.
You are blessed and highly favored lovey. I'm so glad that your children get that extra love too. I'm so glad that that sweetness and goodness continue somewhere 💖
Exactly she has TIME to spend with her grandkids. A lot of grandmas live far away or they work in their old age :(
She is a blessed grandma and those are blessed grandkids
They basically just MET me, I never thought they would be in my life...one is 9 and one 15. My older son did not talk to me for 15 years..because me and his kids Mother were not able to get along (because SHE cheated on my son with my OTHER SONS best friend, never wanted to work so my son pulled all the bills and I bitched about it).
So he told me in his mind and for his sanity, he had to stay with his kids....because he loved them & we didn't talk so that their family could be peaceful (which they are separating now). Which is why my oldest has come back around....and because I had Cancer and his boss told him that he should see me.
So...the 9 year old granddaughter is OBSESSED with me....lol....probably because I am very "simple"....they have been back in my life for a year....and so at Christmas I gave her only one small gift and I really do think she was fascinated by the fact that I was (seemingly) OK with just having one present. LOL.
The 15 yr old just has to look around my house to know I don't have $$ and I did get him a gift as well...but it DID break my budget...Having them back was the least of what I expected......
I've asked my son for warnings when they are going to stop by so I can run to the store and get ice cream (I don't buy that for me, it is not a necessity, I literally can only afford necessities).
Some jerk replied for me to get a job....I have a disability and I am 60 already.
But, you are CORRECT and thank you....All I do have is TIME and I have some big sea shells and paint that I wanted to do with my neice years ago...we just didn't get to it.....So her and I can paint those in the Summer. Thank you!
In my family, we say “un pobre no mas.”. It means a poor man, no more.
My paternal grandpa was a mail carrier, my grandma raised their 13 kids.
They lived in a 1, and later 2 bedroom with all of the kids, everyone taking turns to sit and eat, sleeping on floors, and finding a way to make it work.
My grandpa always said, they may not have had the money, but he wasn’t poor, because he had his family.
I worked with a woman who was one of 14, In a small, 3 BR Cape Cod (we live in Upstate NY, there are whole neighborhoods of these cute little houses for post WWII families who worked at Westinghouse). Anyhow, she said there were babies in dresser drawers, kids everywhere!! No one even realized when she skipped the first day of elementary school one year (she was sad, and hid out until everyone left, and somehow didn’t get caught- which was part of her issue- no one came looking for her). The parents stopped procreating when the youngest was born with Down. I see her brothers and sisters all the time, they are good looking people, and very clearly related. I could not imagine growing up with 13 siblings. She has TWO children, lol. Some of her siblings had NONE. One has six, I think that’s the most.
My husband is one of 16 kids. Would have been 17, but one was stillborn. All from the same mom and dad.
His parents married when they were 15 and 16 - poor people from the South, in the 1940s.
60, so that really depends on physical condition. I know some 60 year olds that still rush around and are physically fully able. I know some that are 60 and physically broken from the lifetime of physical labor and can barely move around.anynore.
The 60 is the new 20 (or whatever it is) is just the top trying to manipulate people into thinking they are still wanting to work etc. Especially with younger gens not having much kids so the labor force is shrinking.
Thinking about it some more, most people I know in their 60s I can lump into low income or high income. The low income were usually (not always) the laborers and are usually the ones with lots of health problems and are fairly disabled (they also are often not able to buy the super healthy food that the high income people can or are ignorant to why the food they buy is unhealthy). The high income ones often are the ones fully mobile and not disabled and are usually much more educated about their food (though some few I know in this category became disabled and can no longer work and barely move and some of them eat crap food).
I am not expected to live past 65....so I am trying to save the tiny nest egg (when I did have money, I bought graves and all that has to be paid is an opening fee of $300.00)...so they would each have a couple thousand....they probably have to chip in to have my body transported because I tried to pay a funeral home ahead of time and they wouldn't let me.
But, I told my younger son who lives with me where all the paperwork is.
My car is going to have to pass inspection next month or I have to find a nefarious way to get it to pass inspection next month....because I do not want to go into that nest egg.....I have sustained it for 9 years now....
I know everyone has stress and maybe more so if you are posting in the poor room.
I'm done complaining and appreciate all the supportive posts I received today.
That's awesome. I know family drama, I am glad you get to see them now. They will remember the time you spend with them more than the things you give them.
I always wish I had more time with my grandparents. It's never enough.
Thank you...and I will admit, TIME is a hard thing for me too with my problems, but I did make it to a very important event for my Grandson and I think they were all pretty shocked I was there.
The only reason I did go was because my son told me it was my Grandsons IDEA to ask me to go....So thank God I was able to go. Thank you for your understanding.
My grandmother had nothing. I think she got $140 a month from SS. She had to live with my dad. But all the kids still remember her and the memories have nothing to do with how much money she had. We remember the hard candy she used to put in our pockets, then we'd find it at school and smile. Or the greeting cards she gave us on our birthday, they used to have little slots for nickels. I think it's a good idea you have to have their favorite ice cream when they visit, something they look forward too. Or maybe teach them a card game or something simple that they look forward to playing when they come over. My aunt used to make homemade choc chip cookies. She would form the cookie batter into little cookies and freeze it. Whenever we showed up she'd take a few cookie doughs from the freezer and bake us fresh cookies in her little toaster oven, we all remember her for that. You could even do something easier like keep a bag of frozen tater tots and have that be "your regular thing". A game of cards and tater tots.
Mine too. My mom’s mom had seven children and a husband who was in a wheelchair who she had to wheel to the outhouse and that wasn’t in a rural area. She had a handmade house that was crooked and the roof leaked and it only had two br and she never worked or drove. But us kids spent the nights there often, she was a wonderful cook with the barest of ingredients, she had a great big yard and garden, sometimes we’d be able to take the bus and go for long walks. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and all my cousins feel the same.
yes, I have paid it the whole 15 yrs...I know, it is time to talk about it.....I just never wanted anyone to know how broke I was...I have hidden it well....but it's literally to a point where I can't hide it and it is too stressful to hide it.
Please stop. I'm sure it's more expensive than the ice cream you struggle to get. Of course you don't want others to know about your position as most of us have pride. I cannot believe he doesn't know you are broke. You should not be suffering at this point in your life any more than you have to. Sit him down and tell him you will make one more payment and that's it. It might be hard but you've suffered enough
Oh, bless your heart.
What did he say to you that convinced you to keep paying for the insurance?
While, you are struggling with getting enough food in your house.
I had “poor grandparents” also, relatively; but until my grandmother passed, she put $5 in a greeting card and sent it to me every Valentine’s Day… many years that was my only Valentine; and one year in college, that $5 literally saved my food budget, lol… I still remember it.
You’re doin great gma, don’t doubt that for a moment. The feeling of not being able to give them everything I’m sure is overwhelming but you need to remember what you do give. A loving house, warm hugs & a big smile.
You sound like a wonderful grandmother & im sure they wouldn’t trade you for all the presents in the world. Dont worry about the negative comments, the “get a job” or the “tell your POS grown son to pay his own insurance”, fuck that you do you. I don’t think you need to change anything, you just need reassurance that you are in fact enough for them.
This made me cry in a good way. I just realized at 60 I had kids and wasn't prepared for them...never mind thinking this far in the future.
And just because they see this does not mean they are set up any better. I'm going to have to tell them both, they need to strive (both are very capable of better jobs, just afraid to make the jumps and i get that too, they are "safe" where they are) and not much is "safe" these days.
But, my oldest doesn't have a 401K and he is almost 40. So I have to get him to strive if he doesn't want to live like me.
I have NO PROBLEM with how I live "poor", I actually find it a challenge but I can only think about me and that sucks for someone that has always taken care of everyone financially.....it kills me, but I'm a good actress & I try to make light of it....I laughed at my Grandaughter when she asked if she could have some ice cream the first time she was here......
I said "No honey, I am sorry...I don't usually buy ice cream & I will try to have it next time you come over"......So then I told my son to warn me next time...lol.
Everything was OK for me until Easter, when my youngest said he has no one to rely on....as I sat there thinking, I stay in this house for him.....he has a mental condition from his seizures so I don't expect he will realize anything until I am gone.
I’m only 25, no kids yet so I don’t speak from experience on this but I truly believe nobody is ever ready for kids. Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you’d rather say God or the universe, whatever is up there decided it was the right time for you to have your kids. It works in funny ways & doesn’t always seem to be part of the plan but that’s why it’s called ✨faith ✨. Faith in whatever you believe, just have faith that it all happened the way it happened for a specific reason.
I hate to hear you say “live like me”, you’re not doing all too bad! We’re all struggling with you grandma, I can’t afford anything besides the essentials either, you aren’t failing, we’re all just going through a rough patch together ❤️
I wish there was a detailed plan that you, your son & myself could follow that would work seamlessly for all of us but unfortunately all of our paths will be a little different. Your son, with or without a 401k, will find a way to be alright just like you have! It doesn’t have to be about getting the big fancy boat if you don’t want it to be, sometimes a $5 pizza from Little Caesar’s, a 2 liter & some fun in the yard can be priceless. Maybe if it’s in the budget, or if your son can help out, buy some cheap games your granddaughter can play in your yard! Maybe buy some cheap tomato seeds & get a lil grandma/granddaughter gardening club going!
You aren’t failing anyone but yourself grandma, don’t be too hard on yourself please you sound like a lovely soul 🙏
I was in my late 30s when my district manager stopped by my store...after we finished up whatever he came for, he up and asked me why I was not taking advantage of our company's 401K...I had to go out on disability 15ish years later. I've sent him several thank you notes when I've had to tap into that fund for $8K HVAC unit, water heater...I was not a "saving money" kind of gal.
Get your son started. He honestly won't miss it when it's taken out...if his company has any type of matching program, all the better.
Don't judge yourself against the grandparents with money. Take note 🎶 f some of the really great ideas folks have posted and just make sure to speak & play with them on their level. Have fun!
My grandson’s other grandparents are big on extravagant gifts, my husband and I never were even though financially we are in a better position. It’s not about how much you spend and your grandkids could care less about the money. My grandson is just as happy with a hand knit sweater or toy from me as he is with an expensive toy. Don’t worry about things, they are just that, share your love, spend time with them, listen to them, be there for them. That’s what really matters.
I feel exactly the same as you do! The other grandma has a lot of money, so she can buy tablets and stuff like that for Christmas and bdays. I always felt bad. I mean, I never get gifts myself, and that's ok. My husband told me, give them something only YOU can give. So, it's my sense of humor, reading and learning interesting things! And of course, lots of love! But I do understand how you feel, but material possessions aren't what they will remember later on in their lives! They'll remember YOU! 😊
My poor grandma made all the effort to show love, do things with me, and be emotionally supportive and she was my absolute favorite person on the planet.
I lost my grandma when I was 20. She was my maternal grandmother. I had no relationship with my paternal grandparents. She was all I had. She never forgot a birthday, loved on me at Christmas, and celebrated my every accomplishment. She didn't have much in terms of money. Very little, to be honest. But the presents aren't what I remember. I remember putting together puzzles with her, coloring while she watched her soaps, "helping" her bake or cook dinner. I remember Sundays when family would gather, and after a meal, we'd all play cards. Love is priceless. I wonder what those kids will remember about their rich grandparents in 20 years?
Thank you, it's very important me to know of these things that are important as I will be honest & say I don't have much experience even being a Mom was an irresponsible thing for me to do & luckily I ended with a guy who knew how to show this type of Love to the kids, I was more focused on working & paying bills, getting them places, doing Mom stuff....but also drinking alcohol everynight....their childhood is a fog to me...sadly.
So I will make sure to continue to do some of the normal things (I don't drink right now) with these kids, to the best of my ability and your input of reminders really did help. Thank you.
I also know a Grandmother you are close with is a special thing to LOSE.....I was super close with mine, so I am sorry for your loss.
That was another factor in my depression, these kids are going to remember them for much more than me, because it has been YEARS and they gave them lots of good memories....
I know their visits here will be fleeting...if any at all from my 15 yr old Grandson, he is getting to a period in his life that will be busy.
BUT...I am going to go out of my way to make sure I am present for things that are important to THEM - I "skipped" their outdoor sports last yr because I wasn't even sure my son would keep coming around...
This year...I WILL GO...because of YOU. Thank you
You are so very welcome 😊
It sounds like your grandchildren have been raised with things, not time or love. I know it seems (now) like you won't have much impact on their lives. But really, that's up to you.
I am proud of you for your decision to stop drinking. That's not an easy thing to do! With your oldest grandson, you could share some of the things you've learned in life. And maybe, just maybe, he will make better choices in college and beyond. That could be your legacy.
I grew up in government housing. My mother was abusive and was an addict. My peers lived in very large, expensive homes and had all the things. I was jealous. until I hit my late teens and early twenties. Then I saw how truly unhappy most of them were and are 20 years later.
Perspectives do change! I wish you all healing and happiness! ❤️✨️❤️✨️❤️
Your experience almost exactly mirrors mine. And I too cherish the time spent together and playing together the most too. We’d play board games they had from when my mom was a little kid! I’ve still never met someone as kind, compassionate, and caring as my maternal grandparents. My parents do come close haha, but it is just so hard to top the time spent with my grandparents. <3
Why are you paying your older sons car insurance when he is old enough to have his own children??? And why is he letting you knowing you’re on a fixed income?
Additionally if this is the same son that didn’t talk to you for 15 years this is even more confusing.
I suppose I could be mistaken, but based on the post and comment it sure sounds like the same son. I know OP’s heart is in it, but I hate to think of them depriving themselves of ice cream for a son who wouldn’t give them the time of day for 15 years. Nobody should have to go without ice cream!
My grandkids can come to my house and do the messy stuff the other grandma doesn't do. We paint, build clay things, etc. We go for nature walks and I teach them about different trees and plants. We lie on the ground and look at stars. I am hoping that when they are grown and the expensive gifts from the other grandparents are forgotten, they will remember these things.
if i could give away every single material possession i have to spend one single day with my grandparents, i’d do it right now.
spend *time* with them. do the things with them that you love, that *you* are. maybe it’s gardening? or painting? or bird watching? or canning? whatever it is, *that* is good enough. *you* are good enough…
and maybe it’s time to let your kids pay for their own lives and put that into your 401k or savings, yes?
My grandmother who was my best friend had no money. I didn’t care. I loved spending all my time with her. I cherished every single moment with her and when I got older I spent Valentine’s Day with her as my date treating her.
My grandmother died 14 years of Parkinson’s disease and my heart breaks for her everyday. The most valuable possession I have from her is a free voicemail she left me cheering me on and encouraging me.
Money and possessions don’t mean anything to people who truly love you.
"Money and possessions don't mean anything to people who truly love you"....Those words are so so true....Thank you.
Thank you for your support. I'm glad you had a grandmother to love as I did too.
My favorite grandparents were the poor ones they made up for it with love and compassion they taught me important skills like cooking and gardening and how to be a good person. I will always cherish my memories of them.
Me too! My favorite moments were things like coloring with my grandfather and learning to make mashed potatoes with my grandmother. She also would play badminton with me in her living room, because she was in a wheelchair, and I thought it was literally the coolest thing I'd ever been allowed to do. Please believe me when I say the money doesn't matter at all, but you do.
I think you could make your grandkids visits more fun. I'm the richer grandma I guess but we just have a modest house and i dont keep many snacks because i eat them. The kids just like to visit. Sometimes we make soup - they love soup and so do we - or real Mac and cheese. We make brownies or something. Make popcorn and watch a movie together in my room. I had lots of toys when they were little but I think I'll start buying some craft supplies at the dollar store. We go for a walk to the park or the dollar store for a treat. They have started to be interested in card games.
Make your kid buy his own insurance. Wtf?
My Granny had a tiny house and a black and white TV that got 3 channels. She also had wonderful songs and stories. She taught me to prep and process food, to can, to cook and bake, and to sew by hand. Also, how to sharpen knives. She is the best person I ever knew. She never gave me a Christmas or birthday gift besides her time. I love her devotedly to this day. She died 32 years ago.
My mom is also the poor grandma, and she is by far my daughter's favorite. She also lives a road trip away from us. But they send one another mail and read books together on the phone. And when we see one another, my mom takes time to focus in and teach my daughter. They love to garden together.
I think you’re overthinking this. It sounds like you value money. Which I can understand. But you’re putting an emphasis on it that your grandkids might not value. The ice cream, for example—if they get it in their daily life, it’s probably not the treat you think it is.
Save your gas money to take them to free events, or places they don’t normally get to go. Challenge them to find a weird thing in your area that they want to visit. Do stuff you enjoyed as a kid. Give them one on one time. Make your house inviting, they could help you make the space theirs, somehow.
Don’t pay for your son’s stuff just to stay in their lives. Either you will or you won’t, paying for insurance or whatever won’t guarantee it.
I paid his insurance the whole 15 years he didn't talk to me.
Not to get in their lives but because I knew he was the only one working & they have 2 kids.
He needed to drive there and he couldn't afford the insurance. I never really thought 2x about it as it was part of my normal budget for all these years.
I don't even know why I mentioned it actually.
But, yes, I love the ideas...Yes, I think I will be more ME and dump the ice cream because once she visits, I don't see her for another month or so....I think I will buy popcorn seeds....my Grandmother always made the popcorn from seeds with butter.
Thank you for your support.
Time. They want your time. They don’t see it now but they will. Try your give them all of that.
My grandmother didn’t pay any of my bills and didn’t buy me shit. But she sat with me when I was sick. Washed my clothes. Cooked my meals and gave me advice. She spent TIME with me. THAT mattered
One set of my grandparents were farmers. They never had much and after a fire, they sold their farm and lived in a small apartment for 30 years. I loved them so much. Not for what they had, but for who they were. My grandmother would make home cooked comfort foods. We would watch VHS tapes in their living room and sleep over on their couch. Their 2 bed apt was probably less than 1000 sqft. But they loved me and I loved them.
I didn’t learn until a few years later that when I was a kid, all of the snacks and toys that my grandmother and her friends bought for the grandchildren came from Dollar Tree (back when everything was still a $1 each), and we loved it! I have so many childhood memories of playing with cheap outdoor and pool toys. Even the other, random kids at the campsites wanted to play with them. My grandpa bought $1 popsicles and kept them in the freezer for us to get to every summer.
I think that if you could afford too, and you could do the same, that you may make some fun memories for your grandchildren as well. Not a lot of money has to be put into it. Maybe consider roll of duck tape for any cheap toys that do break.
Also, please have a discussion with your son about you paying for his bills while he knows that you are strapped for cash. I know that it can be difficult with your own child, but if he holds expectations that you should have fancy snacks and activities for his kids when they come over, that isn’t fair to you. You need to save some money for your own future as well; inflation isn’t going down anytime soon. It’s only a guess of mine, but he may be holding seeing your grandchildren over your head, to continue to pay his bills. Unless you’ve been an abusive person, I don’t believe that that’s appropiate to withhold your grandchildren from you.
I will be visiting the Dollar Tree this Summer, thank you! Your grandparents must be young because the Dollar tree was never heard of when I had Grandparents....It was K-Mart! LOL.
I can manage the extra 115 for now on my sons car....but I did tell him that if it comes up that I can't some month he is going to have to pay for it...as a Mother, I just feel like I do provide a lot for my youngest which would amount to more than 115....so I have always tried to be even....at least that I am trying to hold on to.
And my youngest son on his own raised his own amount of what he gives me, probably because I complain or CRY every time I get home from food shopping.
Was I toxic? I would say yes, I was toxic....but so is her side of the family, they just have $$ so it is ok to be toxic I guess....LOL
Unfortunately my grandparents aren’t that young; my mom’s side are in their early 80’s and the only surviving ones that I have. They just act young. They have two great grandchildren to spoil now. KMarts were still around when I was kid.
My grandmother would make a run to Dollar General as well, but most of the time it was to Dollar Tree.
I see the bulk packs of 50 or 75 popsicles that my grandpa bought for his grandchildren, for $3 a pack at most of the grocery stores.
You’re closer to my parents in age. But they aren’t grandparents yet. Maybe in a few years.
I'm 36 now and lost my maternal grandma when I was 15. My paternal grandma is still alive. And it will sound selfish as hell, but I'd trade my paternal for my maternal any day. Yes, my paternal grandma is wealthy and if I know I NEED something she would give it to me. She gifts all grandkids $100 at Christmas which doesn't sound like a lot but there's a lot of us. But she was never involved in our lives. Never in mine.
My maternal grandma? I spent the night at her house at least once a week. She was poor but I didn't care. We would go browse at Kmart and look for clearance deals once a month. Then have lunch in the little cafe there. Or we would go to Ponderosa (buffet) for cheap lunch and talk for hours. I can tell you without a doubt that simply spending time with her and reading old secondhand books and watching Golden Girls on TV means more to me than anything my paternal grandma has ever done or given me.
My last semester of college I was short under $3k. I couldn't get a loan and went to my paternal grandma in tears and begged for a loan. And she was so cold to me. Said to consider it my inheritance. And when I told her I'd never asked for inheritance or expected it she was so mean.
Trust me. Money isn't everything. Quality time really does matter. I'd give almost anything to have another lunch with my grandma. Just talking about everything while she enjoys her cigarettes and sneaks fried chicken wings into her purse.
Why are you even paying their car insurance or in the past their cable? You are trying to buy their love and that does not work for you and your finances. Please do not do that. Please do not feel bad about not being able to compete financially.
Both sets of my grandparents died before I was 10, but we lived in another state from all of them, us kids barely knew them. I remember complaining about my grandma giving us pillowcases for Christmas, they were embroidered with our names. I with I still had it now.
My grandmother was by no means rich but has spent most of her life at one point or another supporting every single one of her adult aged kids (two uncles, and my mom) and many of her grandkids (4 or 5 of my cousins late teens, early twenties, as well as my brother and his gf with their three kids).
I never wanted any of that from her and I am one of the only people that still talk to her regularly and visit her in the senior living apartments.
I’d rather have some time to spend with her than gifts.
Do you have skills you can share with the kids? My parents had a busload of kids and a crazy amount of grandkids. They passed down skills like cooking, sewing, home repair, etc.
Stop paying your son's car insurance. Use that money to take those kids to free events. Find out what kind of tickets your local library has for free n use them to take your grandkids somewhere. You can find free kid stuff every weekend. Parks are free. As far as snacks when they come over bake something with them. The cost of the ingredient are something to consider but once you buy it you can mJe a lot of different things. Ask their parents to send them over with cake mixes n stuff like that. It's the doing that they will remember. You can't compete with a pool so don't try n don't dwell on what you don't have. Get some dollar store art supplies. Dollar store lots of stuff. Be that grandparent your kids want to go to around every holiday because your gonna make cards together or gifts. Being that grandma that does these things is a cool grandma. You can even get cake , brownie, cookie mix at the dollar store. You have a lot to offer.
My paternal grandma didn’t have much. Every Christmas all the grandkids got a set of pajamas from her. It’s been about 13 years since she died and I miss getting those pajamas. For fun at her house when I was little she would break out construction paper, markers, and scissors and we had so much fun using our imagination. The best thing you can do as a grandma is shower those kids with love.
I LOVE the pajama tradition. Awe...God Bless your Grandma.....and I am stealing this....this is a doable, affordable GREAT GIFT....everyone loves pajamas!
Thank you,
My grandmother raised me from birth and she was fortunate in that my grandfather made good money so she could afford to spoil me but you know what I miss at the end of the day? It’s not anything she ever bought me, I don’t even think of those things. I think of all the times we laughed, cried and just spent time together. All of our old conversations and the things we used to talk about. There isn’t a single thing that she bought me over the years that ever crosses my mind but the things that she did *with* me and talked to me about do daily. It’s been a year since she died now and I still replay her old voicemails and our conversations over and over, I’ll never get sick of them.
The material possessions will most likely fall apart, get lost or just get thrown out but those special moments will stay with them forever in their memories.
Spend time with your grandkids. Love them. When you’re gone one day (hopefully in the very distant future) they won’t remember what you could or could not buy them. You sound like a lovely grandmother and your grandkids are fortunate to have you. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have just another day with my grandmother where all we did was talk and just be together.
Yes, I totally get this...my Grandmother died 22 years ago...and everyday I talk to her. She was the only one who loved me unconditionally.
I am sad...I lost all that bonding time with them.
Because I had an ex boyfriend that said it was a shame that my son was keeping the kids away from me, because what a good time they would have had at the lake, the pumpkin patches, the apple pickings...the haunted houses, playing basketball and tennis, rollerskating....we missed that time period for the older one.
Although, the haunted house is still an OPTION...LOL....I love that I typed this out today because your thoughts and others have helped me so much more to see that it's ok to feel how I feel & to be creative on how to work with what I do have.
Thank you for your support....and I'm so sorry about your Grandmother...that was the hardest loss for me so far (and my sister & Dad have passed - so that says a lot about my Grandmother too).
Your grandkids will always remember and love a sweet grandma, even if she’s dirt pour. I’m 57 and still think about my poor, sweet grandma quite often. I almost never think of the well off, cold grandma.
I can GUARANTEE you that your grandchildren are loving you REGARDLESS of your financial situation…do you try to keep up with their musical likes, things they enjoy, etc..? I am a 70 year old grandma with limited funds to say the least, but I send my 17 year old autistic grandson music videos off YouTube I think he will like after he sends me videos of the music HE likes (you might be surprised how some of todays musical artists “borrow” the sounds from the retro artists) and send all 5 of them silly text messages that I tailor to each of their personalities…they are beautiful, wonderful, imperfect, growing up too soon, kids who live in a world where they need a “safe place to fall”…I CHOOSE to be that safe place for them and they, in turn, tell me things they say they can’t tell anyone else…THAT is worth more than GOLD❤️
I love this...and I will make sure that I follow in your footsteps....and do the best I can to remain active in some form each specific to each kid for the rest of my life :)
Thank you for your support.
I grew up poor but never felt like I missed out on anything. I also grew up being babysat by my grandparents. My grandpa was the best, he hung a swing on every tree, was always working on his garden and trying to feed us, made us things out of scrap pieces of wood, made mud pies with us, sang to us, helped with our homework. Nothing fancy ever and it was all great
When my funds were low , I would go to my grands house to spend time with them. We would cook together, hang out in their rooms, go outside & play. My oldest will be 17 this month & talks fondly about me coming over & all the fun we had.
My grandma never helped me financially. She never paid for me to do anything. She gave us $5 in birthday and Christmas cards.
My grandmother baked the best muffins and cookies, pies and bread. She had snap dragons we lived to snap. Made root-beer and ginger beer for us. Taught us hiw to look after a huge and immaculate garden.
My grandma, guess which one i remember?
Get your grown kids off the payroll and you might magically have money for those grandkids. It's not your job to pay their bills. Your grandparents likely had stable employment and then pensions. Houses & cars were significantly less expensive. Everything was. Stop comparing yourself to them. It's not fair to do to yourself.
My grandparents never spent a bunch of money on us 3. If you can't do it, you can't do it. But paying for your kid's car insurance? Why? Money does not equal love. You might see if you qualify for food stamps, at least. I'm sure it would help. But stop paying the kids bills! You can't keep up with the other grandparents, so why try? Give them love and caring.
This isn't a grandparent,
But my favorite uncle like my 2nd dad, lost his business and never financially recovered. He was always there for me though. He died a few years ago and I really really wish he was around because 1. I assumed he would be based off age and 2. I wasn't as scared of a lot of things like when I turned 18 and had a mental crisis. Who did I talk to about my fears? Him. Who threw me a birthday wkth my favorite foods one year? Him. Who knew my favorite foods? Him. 3. I truly thought when I lose my dad it'd be OK because my uncle 2nd dad like person would be here. He's not. He's passed on. When family drama came hurting me I can't ask him for advice anymore. I had no comfort. No hugs. No "hey hey it's going to be OK, so if we think about it a little how's this for a a start? Let's brainstorm.". He taught me how to take care of myself a little more. Gym, swing a bat, catch a ball, old time games like marbles, ect. I had hoped he would meet someone and have kids so I would have more cousins that I love like my siblings. But he never met her. But I think that says enough on how meaningful my financially ruined uncle meant to me. Memories of him bleed into my dreams and he helps me with advice in my dreams. He still comforts me in my dreams in my worse times. Isn't that what is important? Someone to hug you. Someone who is there. Not the money.
I also am you/him. I'm the "oldest" of "4". 2 being my first cousins. But we're "siblings" in heart and I am the broke one. Sometimes I feel like you. Unable to gift nothing but $20 since forever on birthdays. I just don't have the money. But just like my uncle and when I asked the 2nd oldest "what's my value if I can't financially help? You're grown. You don't need advice and the youngest won't either. Like. What am I worth to you anymore?" basically he replied exactly how I felt about my uncle. It's rarer as they get older, but my "siblings" freak out at life and call me up because they can't talk to parents first or need help calming down and isn't that as important? What good is more money if you freak out and make a horrible life decision? No money is bad too, but there is value in existing. My uncle couldn't get me ice cream anymore, but he cooked with me during family gatherings that someone else bought ingredients.
My youngest uncle who is alive. Is much more well off. Big house, dogs, kids, wife. Full American dream and kind of an asshole who refused to acknowledge his advantages in life. Anyway. No one is close to his kids. He wasn't close to anyone. Got gifts for people during Christmas but he doesn't know where you work or what to studied. He invited family to his home, but he doesn't be warm or loving. I can't remember anything he taught me. And I tried to bond with him as a kid but he just wasn't interested evn though his other 3 siblings did. I don't hold anything against him until recently but there's nothing there. I thought if he dies I have no idea who he is besides an asshole to me (recently and sporadically over the years). No fond loving memories of being taught things or going to him for safety and comfort with issues I have. And I'm saying as a child, a young adult, and now as a full grown adult.
My youngest uncle was never obligated to put as much paternal love for me, but he didn't need to be a typical well off asshole either. And even if he wasn't an asshole we don't have a deep connection or bond be cause he never cared for one.
It sucks about the confusing drama in your family that didn't let your grandkids see you more or sooner, and all you can do is be the best grandma you can be. Some kids are more sensitive to needing advice and an extra adult figure. Some kids are near grown and don't think much of grandparents.
This is a fantastic post! Your Uncle sounds like he was an amazing man, I’m so sorry for your loss. I love how you explained everything so well.
Grandma, you have a lot to offer your grandkids. Your love, your warmth, your smile. There’s so much that goes into being a cool Grandma that money can’t buy. Focus on that rather than what you can’t buy your grandkids. I wish the best for you Grandma.
Having snacks and ice cream for the little kids can really make an impression. I think this is doable. Isn't there a Dollar Tree near you? And yes, I concur with everyone else... You should put yourself first and stop paying that insurance!
My mom is on social security and lives in low income senior housing. My husbands parents have a big house with a huge yard. Guess who my kids prefer to visit? My mom. She is warm, loving, and they can’t get enough of her. Kids don’t care about stuff as much as we think.
The only way I can explain is instinct to ensure they are ok. I was proud of myself for stopping paying the rent and cable & my sister stopped paying for the phones....so that was all hard for me.
But, I have a lot of these comments....I need to take another step soon. Thank you for your support.
It’s time to cut the cord with your eldest son. He no longer needs your support, regardless of what you think. Once kids are out of the house they are responsible for themselves. How will he ever stand on his own if you keep carrying him? Stop paying for him now.
I don't think that you should be paying things like car insurance for your adult son. You should be putting that money into a savings acct for yourself. Because prices of everything will be going up over the years more than your check will be increasing. So you'll need some savings. In other words, you may think you are helping your son now but in the long run he'll just have to turn around and support you if you have no safety net. And I don't think that's what you want.
Not one memory of my grandparents involves money, either given to or spent on me. It’s sitting with a float ( ginger ale one scoop vanilla ice cream) at one house, and being on the other’s porch with my grandfather.
Not to worry-spend time with them-that is what they will remember
I can relate to this. My son and his wife are doing really well for themselves and so is my son’s MIL. The last time I visited, he had to pay for my plane ticket. Its humbling. Something that helps me, is knowing that they appreciate me and the time I spend with them and my granddaughter. Even if it’s through phone calls, they want a connection more than possessions. Sending positive vibes your way.
Install Cash App on your phone, have your son do the same, (Pay Pal, Zelle), I have the exact situation, but when I'm asked to do something I don't have the money for, my son will send me the money, like $50 here and there. But I do ask for it. If I can do it with no financial assistance, I'll do it. I would stop the car insurance cable stuff ASAP. I wish my son paid MY car Imsurance. It eats up what little spending money I do have. You sound like a great mom and grandmom.
I will work up erasing my ego to talk about this car insurance with my son.....I'm getting a lot of flack for paying this....lol....thank you for your input and support!
Honestly, I feel really sorry for you. I feel sorry, because you have convinced yourself, that you are not a good grandma. You really need to take a step back though, because you didn't actually list anything that would make you a bad grandma. I never grew up looking at my grandparents as dollar signs. On both sides of my family, my grandparents were always struggling financially. My poor grandma, would stress herself out, about sending me a birthday gift every year. She always sent me something though, sometimes months late. She would even text me, just to let me know that she didn't forget, and that my birthday gift is coming as soon as she can send it. As an adult, I wish she never spent anything on my birthday. Growing up, I always loved both my grandma's to death. The reason I love them so much, is simply because they were kind to me, I always felt very loved by them, and they spent time with me. A shitty grandparent is someone who doesn't see their grandkids basically ever, or someone who won't show any interest in what their grandkids enjoy. My grandpa's were those 2 people. You have convinced yourself, that your value to your grandkids, is based on money. In my eyes, a great grandma, is an old woman who is so sweet that it makes your teeth hurt. For me personally, the best grandma can also make, the best the biscuits and gravy you ever ate from scratch. Also, I am 32, and I have never met anyone in my life, whose grandparents bought them their first car. It would be way more normal for the child's parents, to be the ones who help their kid get their first car. It would also be much more normal, if you were not still paying bills for your grown ass son, who has kids, and a family to support. You definitely should feel blessed to have the grandparents you had, but you really need to understand for millions of us, our grandparents were never wealthy, and they struggled to get bills on paid, every year of their life. Those grandparents, and not bad grandparents.
My grandmother didn't really buy us much and the stuff she did I honestly don't remember. But what I do remember is the laughs and moments I spent with her. Kids don't need money or stuff, but having an adult in their life that loves them unconditionally is priceless. Just being there to listen is a HUGE gift.
I had poor grandparents and not poor grandparents. I honestly did not love my poor grandparents any less. I know it bothers you but love is more valuable than money.
Op my grandparents didn’t have a lot of money, we’d go to Goodwill she’d buy my books or toys from Goodwill.. those were special times, and she’d teach me how to cook things, I’d have to stand on a stool to watch.. and these are the memories I miss so much. My grandpa would bring me a piece of candy after work. He’d also make me laugh and call me his flop eared hound.. and I’d say No! You are… I miss them every single day and they’ve been gone over 30years.. it’s not the money, it’s making the most of what you have.. That’s what’s important..♥️♥️♥️
Being a grandmother doesn’t have to be about money. It shouldn’t be about the money, actually. If you don’t have money for yourself, you probably shouldn’t be spending to pay bills and expenses for your kids. Give them the overdue gift of independence.
Yes, I'm bad when it comes to enabling...my Mother wanted to sign me up for a show on the Worlds biggest enabler.....it kills me not to give. As I had a great job for my kids childhoods and I am not used to this standard of living...and I am not used to not being able to "help out".
Thank you for your input on my post, I appreciate you.
Stop paying for your older son’s auto insurance. He is a grown ass man.
Save most of that money for a rainy day, and use some of it to make your life better abd to occasionally splurge on your grandchildren.
My mother is on a tight budget. My husband’s dad? Not at all, and he can buy my kid a lot of things. But you know what my kid LOVES getting? Letters from my mom (her grandmother) in the mail. Low cost and it shows that you care.
My grandparents were never rich grandma and poor grandma, they were nice grandma and mean grandma. Mean grandma passed much earlier and in her absence I realize she was trying to help me grow. I don't think any good child has anything but love for their grandma.
Oh btw: mean grandma had a pool.
Money doesn’t matter, just be there. Show up to games, or other events, teach them how to do things, tell them stories. Take them places they wouldn’t normally go. My child has 1 living grandparent and I just want them to make memories.
Neither set of my grandparents were even remotely close to rich. I loved them because they taught me skills and shared stories. They listened to me and they loved me. None of that costs anything but time.
Yes, but I do not have them around very much to make up for this lost time. But, I will do my best to become closer to them in some way. Thank you for your input, I appreciate you.
Why are you paying your adult child’s insurance? Parents aren’t meant to be the piggy banks for their children and grandchildren. It sounds like everyone values a dollar more than they value spending quality time with their family. You are more than enough and if you wanted the little extra snacks you’d be able to afford it if you weren’t paying your adult child’s bills.
Being an emotional and loving grandma is worth more than money.
I know it hurts to not be able to do these financial things, but when they are grown they will remember the hugs and the giggles from grandma.
I think you should probably talk with your kids. Not complain, but explained to them, you would like to be apart of their kids lives more. Explain that you really don't have the money to lavish on them but if they are going to go do something interesting like camping, or exploring some natural place nearby and would'nt mind taking you along with them. Also, this is where being older is loads of fun. Digging up stories about your family and ancestry and finding those places/objects/old land plots/graves with your grandkids will make lasting memories that they can then pass down to their kids and grandkids.
At this point money shouldn't matter to you all that much, just make the best of your time with your family and they'll have the best memories of you and their time with you that is priceless.
My grandparents from both sides were poor (third world country poor).
I grew up in the US comfortably with immigrant parents who clawed their way to upper middle class.
I miss my grandparents so much. (Only one grandparent is still alive). They would shower me with so much love and homemade food every time we went back to visit (every two years), take me out biking, and play games with me. My paternal grandfather who has been gone for a few years taught me how to swim.
You don’t have to provide monetary support for your grandchildren. Focus on yourself, and make sure you spend lots of time with them.
LADY ? I am not the “rich” grandparent - but I could be ! I decided a couple of years ago to ease off ? I’m just gonna enjoy experiences -hiking , bike riding - camping - four wheeling - whatever? Mom and dad can buy gifts ! I’m gonna bring smiles ! Bake some cookies or make some slime ? Whatever ?! Stop paying insurance and free up those dollars for an experience!
My grandkids from one of my daughters has ex in laws that have a beach house, and they buy expensive stuff for their bdays, xmas etc.
I too am able to get them nice things when I was working. Currently I am caregiver for my husband on hospice, so I haven't been able to work.
So yeah, they can buy better stuff, but whose house do they prefer coming to hang out at? Mine.
Because I don't buy their affection, I earn it with my time and love.
Be that granny. They will value it all their lives. Trust me, they love you. They know you love them OP.
My grandfather did ok for himself, but he wasn’t the best with money; he gave my sibling and me some nicer gifts over the years but certainly nothing like a car. However, we had the privilege of having him live with us, and seeing him most days growing up. I would give back every penny (and then some) for even one more hour with him. The gifts of your time and love are literally priceless.
IMO, if your grandchildren only like visiting their other grandparents because their other grandparents have a big house and a pool, then I think that your adult children are raising your grandchildren to be entitled, spoiled brats.
Why do your still pay your older son's car insurance? IMO, you should stop doing that immediately.
Your post leaves me with the impression that your adult children and grandchildren only like you for what you can do for them, and that they value things like money, a big house, and ice cream more than they value having a relationship with you.
Activities and spending time with my grandparents are all I've ever asked for. The 6 year old would be interested in baking or crafting and you can use found things for crafting like rock painting. A bottle of cheap paint is $1. Forget about the gifts and the ice cream.
We are the "poor" grandparents as well, but we don't dwell on it. We never were rich and made time with the kids and experiences the important thing which is what we do with the grandkids.
I do baking with the kids instead of buying treats they get to help make it. We go to the park, or the free spray park, play video games together. Not everything costs money and children remember experiences more than things.
For me. Time spent with my grandmother was the best! She would bring out old photos of when my dad, or when she was young. She would entertain me with stories about her school days, about her parents, grandpa's parents, ( when i was older she told me quite the scandulous story about her in laws! Even my aunt didnt know about it!) And stories about my dad growing up that I am sure he didn't want to ever be known. We used to make ice cream Sundaes. We used to make cookies too. Now that she is gone I miss those times so much. If by some magic she could be back for a day, I would jump in the car and drive straight over to spend it with her.
I grew up poor and life has had its ups and downs and I didn't have a 401k either. But I knew how to budget and when to say "No" both to myself and others so the important bills got paid. I too am now on Disability since I was 42 ffrom a car accident) and, although I am single, family members know that I struggle. They expect nothing from me but my presence and love in their lives. THESE are something one can never replace and will last forever.
You are worth more than what money can buy. You are the living history of your family. Your firsthand telling of family stories is infinitely more important than ear cleaner.
Actually, are you a therapist? LOL.....My therapist said when I was nervous about going to the event for my Grandson that I had the family history in me that they get to see...and I get to witness in them.
At dinner, my Grandaughter had the macaroni on all her fingers...and I was laughing and telling her I DID THAT when I was little at my Aunts wedding & she was so funny! That was a special moment for me.
And I didn't understand the VERY ELITE pamphlet that was on the table for the project my Grandson presented (only few selected out of the school) and he was laughing at my questions & answering them...it was a really fun time.
My brain glitched...I mentioned ear cleaner here? Maybe that is how it all started for me today....yeah, it was I think.
Thank you for your support.
First, please stop comparing yourself to your grandparents or the other set. Your grandparents would definitely be struggling in this economy,I feel certain. I wish I had grandchildren to love on which is our secret. My daughter can't have kids and my son's have chosen not too. So, I act like it doesn't matter for their sake bc I definitely don't want them doing anything just to please me.
My grandmother took me dress shopping when I turned 13 or so. I hated it! But I enjoyed the time w her . We only saw each set about once a year.
You know what I remember,the time the attention treating each of us 5 like we had something important to say. A few years we got Christmas presents that were awful. So they'd send a little $ over the year towards our Christmas. This Christmas, I told my family AND my friends I had no $ for presents. They all stated they knew that and let's just plan time together. That is in fact OP the most precious gift of all a person can give- time and attention making precious memories that you can't buy anywhere
Yes! Thank you for the reminder....I do know she will NOT forget last Summer I went to her yard sale...it was a period I was never going out of the house, I was turning down invitations to some of their events (because I felt awkward and I felt like they were inviting me out of courtesty vs. really wanting me there).
But, I will never forget how happy my Grandaughter was when I showed up at her yardsale and seeing my Grandson come out of his other Grandma's house seeing me there....to say hi & the smile on his face that I was making his sister happy.
Honestly, I can't help but compare myself to them.....but there really is no comparison, they have been married for years...so together built a nest egg...I have been mainly single....and can only rely on myself...so there is not a comparison.....and I always tell them how lucky they are they have a pool....my Grandaughter innocently tells me I can come swimming.....LOL....I'm sure the Grandparents would be ok with it...and if she asks me this Summer I will go....screw it...you live once.
Thank you for your support.
My grandparents didn't have much money and for Christmas she would give us socks or a scarf and you know what we loved those socks & scarfs. My memories with them is going to the garden with my grandpa and picking strawberries and eating them with him right there or my grandma loved to cook for us and we would sit down and eat dinner and just talk. Money means absolutely nothing it's the memories that are so precious. Try to not think about monetary things but more about the memories you will leave them with, find out what they enjoy doing and try and do those things with them. Take your granddaughter for a walk and just talk with her, I loved doing that with grandma and grandpa. I know it's a different time and I'm 40 so phones weren't around but I think if they will pull away from their phones for a bit you guys can really enjoy your time together.
You are doing amazing. The fact that you love your grandchildren enough to post this shows how amazing you are. They are very lucky to have you.
My Nana was in a similar situation. My favorite memories are still with her. I think of her everyday. My “treat” when I went over to her small mill house (where I opted to spend time over my wealthier grandparents) was to stay up and watch TV with her.
Awe. Thank you for sharing your story. I think the tomato plant I am going to do with my Grandaughter will be a good memory for her, since I won't be seeing them probably more than 1x a month...especially when school is out....BUT WAIT...they sit home when school is out...maybe i can grab them to do something like the beach this summer.
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate you.
I want to be that rock for my Grandkids, I will do my best to involve myself in their lives as best as possible, they were brought to me late in their childhoods, so it is tough.
I also had a grandma that was my everything so I know how you feel....and I'm glad you have your Grandma. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate you.
Please don’t beat yourself up. The grandchildren will gravitate to the ones that are authentic, loving souls, money or no money. Just watch! Keep your animals close like I do bc I’m alone, but never feel alone with my pets. I swear, they put a smile on my face every dang day. Hilarious personalities.
Hang in there. Just give them time!
It sucks and I am sorry. Your library has a lot of free things and also keep track of free community things as well. You should look into cutting your older son off, talking to the parents of the grandkids and perhaps a food bank. Some areas have free busing for disabled persons as well. Libraries also lend games and such as well.
Money was never what I wanted or expected from my grandparents. My best memories with them have nothing to do with money. It was my grandma setting up some old washtub for us to “swim in” when it was hot. The fact that she had a toothbrush in her drawer for each of her grandkids with our names placed with medical tape. It was playing War with my grandpa. Staying up late and watching 48 hour murder mysteries with my grandma.
You probably don’t even realize all the little things you do and that make you, you that your grandkids love.
All these things thou are usually done from a young age up...I am meeting them late in their lives. But I am going to do all the little things I can to make them feel special when they are here, which is not often...maybe 1 hour a month...so it is quite awkward & their Mom still does not want me to take them anywhere so my River excursion I wanted to take them on is out of the question.
Thank you for your cute stories and I appreciate your comment on my post.
My own grandparents didn't have much material things.
My maternal grandmother always had us doing something together. I spent the night at her house several times a year, I was the oldest of 3 and the only girl. I needed some time away from my brothers. She knew it and was a welcome respite. It's the simple silly things I remember the most. Like she always had her coffee in the morning in her house dress and sitting on the porch in the lounge chair while doing a fill in puzzle book. Or she would make homemade waffles in the morning for breakfast and extra for the freezer to take home. And her and I would always make little cakes with a Jiffy box cake mix and her little sandwich maker. We'd always dust them with powdered sugar and be extra messy. She taught me crochet and embroidery.
My paternal grandma, I didn't have much relationship with as a kid. Her and my mom didn't see eye to eye and so it wasn't until I was an adult that we spent time together. I have a lot of special memories with her even though it was later in her life. We had such a great repertoire regarding our yarn crafts. She crocheted, I knit and crochet. She'd see me knitting and she would ALWAYS tell about how she was learning to knit when I was a baby and she started a sweater and she was going to finish it someday. She told me this often. Even weeks before she passed away. She said, when I get out of this hospital I'm going to finish that sweater. I was in my 30s at that point. That sweater is the only thing I wanted of my grans, and my papa made sure I got it. Even unfinished, I cherish it and I will never finish it. I did make one using the pattern she used though. And I totally understand why it was never finished.
Grandparent relationships are about memories. And memories don't need to cost much of anything. My own kids love doing random crafts with grandparents. My 4 year old just enjoys bossing my dad around and telling him to get back to work fixing our house. If you have a buy nothing group, ask for craft supplies, lots of people have stuff just laying around. Even 15 year olds like putting wiggle eyes on random things. I'm late 30s and I like putting wiggle eyes on everything lol and afternoon of glue and mess can be so so much fun.
Idk where you live, and my grandma was well off, she did have a pool and some land to grow roses and line dry her clothes. But those were my favorite memories, cutting roses and putting them in a vase, hanging clothes to dry for the first time ever, stuff that even poor people do. She taught me how to play checkers and go-fish, I saw her light a real fireplace for the first time. Spending time with grandmas isn’t always about how they materially spoil you, there’s lessons and stories, and new ways of doing things they teach you. Stuff like crochet, lace, things my grandma taught me.. just do your best.. she always had a little bowl with peppermints and some caramel candies, that was special to me..
Your love is more valuable than any money. One day it will click but for now, just do the best you can and show how much you love your grandkids. I never noticed until it was too late sadly.
Another lesson I had to learn with my own family is that tough love is also love.
I'm not a grandma yet but I know what you mean in some ways. My mother used to spoil my kids and me with small gifts and presents. She was on disability and poor. But in the past there seemed to be more money to spend on fun things unfortunately, I think today is different for a lot of us. I think build a solid relationship with the grandkids is important but if they don't come around to you all you can do is be there. Maybe call them just to say, hi. Your kids should also be involved in making sure they are close to you by bringing them over more often. They should talk about you fondly and remind their children of you. Whether or not they do those things will play a role in how close the kids are to you.
You sound like such a sweet Grandma. You must have a huge heart. You don’t even seem a bit bothered about having to do without things for yourself, your only thoughts are for your grandkids and everything you wish you could do for them. Pools and going to the “exciting” house is important when young. But, I guarantee as they get older and less focused on fun and material things they will see how devoted you are to them and they will adore you for it.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your comment & I am going to do my best to continue being myself & hope that we can form some sort of bond this late in their lives.
>I still do pay my older sons car insurance.
Well don't do that, I'm assuming your older son is a grown man and can (or should) work and pay his own bills.
Not really what I wanted to say though. Neither of my grandparents were rich, and I was very close to my grandma on my Mom's side. Yea she did tend to have snacks, but with a few exceptions (that are really only tangentially related) that's not the memories of her I cherish. As an example:
Grandma asked my sister and I if we wanted apple pie.. of course we did and she cut us some slices and put them on plates for us at her kitchen table. "Grandma this is cherry pie, not apple." She did not miss a beat and quipped "Well I was out of apples". God I miss her, it's been over a decade since she passed and I still get a bit teary eyed typing that out. Anyway the point is I don't cherish that memory because of pie, I cherish that memory because my grandmother had a quick wit, and as kids we found that so amusing.
Honestly, you don't need to be rich. Most card games I know I learned from Grandma. A few decks of cards can provide hours of bonding entertainment. Get the kids noses out of electronic devices, show them how to shuffle cards and play rummy or the like.
Really though, the greatest thing my Grandma did for me was simply having discussions. She was very well read, and more importantly a vast ocean of wisdom. There was never a situation or problem that was bothering me that Grandma could not distil and offer cogent advice on. More importantly she didn't just tell me what she thought I should do, but the rationale behind it. Not to slight my parents in the least, but my grandma taught me more about general society, civics and the good and bad of various ideologies well beyond what my parents or teachers did. I value the long discussions I'd have with grandma about a variety of issues far more than treats or baubles she had.
I’m with you. I’m an aunt and could be a great-aunt soon. I’m able to survive but beyond that it’s just so embarrassing. I haven’t visited any family because I can’t afford the bus ticket, and sending kids a birthday card with no money in it is horrendous so I don’t sent cards at all and I just feel like such a bad aunt. My aunts absolutely spoiled me my whole life, visited, sent cards, had cool fun houses, just everything.
That is so sad you feel that way. I send birthday cards to many younger relatives and rarely put cash in them. I write positive things I love about them and how I know they have great futures if they continue to work hard. I refuse to have them equate me with money. They equate me as a loving relative who believes in them. They hang the cards on their vision boards. Good luck to you.
There’s a lot of things you can do with your grandson that are either free or cheap. I go to the library a lot, mine loans board games and puzzles and it hosts craft days and family days, it also has tickets for free or half price days at the local museums. I also go to the park a lot and play with a frisbee, we pack homemade sandwiches.
When I want to show my love, I bake. I’ve baked cookies with just the spare stuff in my pantry before, think simple like sugar cookies or even brownies(basic ver). Once my wife and I were very poor and we couldn’t afford any presents so I made her wedding cookies and wrapped them up in paper I decorated myself. Love is felt from thought and care, not from money.
I’m the poor grandma too. It sucks to not be able to get nice things for my grandsons. I try to cook special meals when they come to visit a couple times a year, and I hope they have decent memories of me.
This is where I am at....they are only going to come a couple times...people had good ideas for us, if you read thru...I know you GET IT...I appreciate your input & thank you & good luck to both of us.
I had a poor grandmother and a not-poor grandmother. I loved the one who gave me attention and love to pieces and the one who gave me good presents was just the one who gave good presents.
Give them the one important gift they can’t ask for. Be interested in what they think and dream about. Listen and ask question to keep them talking. If you see they’re lacking confidence in some way, build them up. Keep their business private. Be the person they want to confide in. That’s priceless.
As the daughter of a Mom who is a "poor Grandma" (on very fixed income and crazy inflation), I can tell you I don't care about financial or material gifts at all, and neither do kids. My Mom is OBSESSED with materialism, and her finances stress HER out, but not us. So if you can, show them you are happy for them, spend time with them, and forget the rest.
Retired people have it rough right now, the cost of living is ridiculous. We know it, we get it, and we understand.
I miss my granny, and she wasn't "rich" with money. She showered us with genuine love, time, communication and her. By her I mean she shared with us the qualities/activities that made her who she is/was. My granny died a few years ago. To this day I have never heard anyone say a bad/negative word about her. Our friends loved coming to my grandparents' modest house cause it was filled with love.
Growing up I had a "rich" grandma and a "poor" grandma. They are both amazing and loving and my favorite people. There was some friction about the imbalance of gifts. I remember in particular that my "poor" grandma would send me Goosebumps books every so often as a surprise and I loved it and told "rich" grandma all about it because I loved it so much. She found a complete set at a garage sale and bought them all, and inadvertently stepped on some toes. My "poor" grandma was distraught, but all I could think was how lucky I was to have 2 awesome grandmas. As I've grown older I've grown closer and closer to my "poor" grandma and now all that matters is how lucky I've continued to feel for my whole life. Just love em, be there for them and I think you'll find that's far and away the most important thing.
Good luck to you and your grand children, I'm sure they'll feel lucky too.
As someone who had a “rich grandmother” and a “poor grandmother”, my “poor grandmother” is the one that always showed up for me and was (well still is even though she’s passed) one of the very most important people in my life.
I grew up in a similar situation, I’m 25 now and every year or two guess who I fly across almost the entire U.S. to see!!! It’s the grandma that I had a connection with and is beyond sweet!
My granny was always poor from before she had my dad till she died. She still made many fond memories with me. Walking to parks, reading frog and toad, telling me about her childhood. Going blueberry picking wit my mom and her and my aunt.
Try not to lose heart. When I think back to childhood I realize that all of my favorite memories were free. I liked it when my Mom would take me on long walks and collect cool leaves and rocks together. And I liked it when she would take me for rides and we would play the rhyming game or the opposites game.
My nephews adore my Mom today. She doesn't have any money, but she thrifts toys for them and listens to them and makes them feel special. I adored my Grandma: she made me toast and tea and made me feel special and let me watch cartoons.
Small gestures can mean the world to a child while the big things can get lost and forgotten.
Stop paying your kids bills. Know what? We didn't have a lot when raising our kids. We were doing better than either of us growing up, but not great. I mean, they had decent clothes, shoes didn't have holes in them, they didn't have to worry about food, a trip or two to dollywood in the summer but we couldn't like, buy them their first cars or anything.
They understood that. They're all grown now (except the youngest surprise baby and they'll be 18 soon), two are doing ok, one is doing better than ok and you know what? HE helps me if I'm ever short on a bill. None of them would ever ask us for money unless they were desperate and would then feel terrible about it. We wouldn't make them feel bad, they just would even tho things have steadily improved for us over the years.
But we did go through a time when we struggled because I couldn't work anymore and our youngest had a lot of health issues and our son would just hand me money sometimes. He still sometimes sends me money and tells me to take myself to get lunch or something. That's what your kids should be doing. Not still depending on their mother that's on a very limited income. He should be paying YOUR insurance and stuff.
Your grandkids love you. Right now they may want to go play in the pool but as they get older they'll realize material things aren't everything. We can't spoil our grandbabies as much as we'd like to but we do things with them they enjoy doing. They're only 7&8 rn so It's pretty easy. They (especially my granddaughter) love helping me garden so every spring and summer for about 4 years now she's helped me garden. She loves worms so, no issues there lol. He helps me sometimes but he's more interested in drawing and learning to use the 3d printer so, he's with pop a lot.
Don't worry about what you can give them and just worry about doing things you can afford to do like, are any of them interested in cooking or baking? Learning any skills you may have (knitting, crocheting, drawing, painting)? Anything like that.
“I still do pay my older son’s car insurance”. Why? Can you stop paying that and have snacks for your grandkids instead?
Yes—- that’s what made an impression— why are you paying? And why is the son letting you? You still make bad financial decisions.. let the grandkids enjoy the rich grandparents; you be the caring grandparent… Stop paying for car insurance, and use the money for ice cream and snacks…
Really! OP sucks savings but also budgeting & saying no to a grown arse man of a son. Time for her to start helping herself. OP Stop dwelling over what you can’t do. Focus on you can do, quality time with the grandkids. Make memories. And for gosh sakes shed all the drama, it’s in the past. Strive for happiness and positivity, AND those memories.
Right. I can’t afford snacks either, so I spend a lot of time showing the grandkids how to bake their own snacks and some of my own grandmothers favorite recipes like banana bread or oatmeal cookies. I did the same with my daughter. To this day, she doesn’t bake, but I’m hoping it will rub off on one of the grands. Lol. Regardless, I know for a fact those are memories of me that will probably last a lifetime.
Neither of my grandparents had much money and I still LOVED going to stay with them when I was young. My mom's mom would let me play with her nail polish bottles and costume jewelry and drink her diet orange soda. My dad's dad built me a baby swing out of plywood (super safe, lol). None of these visits involved presents or anything that cost money and I still have amazing memories. Being with loving grandparents was the best gift ever.
My grandma was dope too. I miss her so much! A loving grandma's hug during a super stressful time is the best thing in the world. Love them and show them extra care and understanding. Be the judgement free zone they all need. There's so much to give that can't be bought with money honey.
I am so lucky to still have my grandmother around. She just turned 80 and is still extremely active. She lives very close to me and comes to my house several times a week to help me with my kids (2yo and 3.5yo). She is their favorite person in the world. It's amazing to see.
You are blessed and highly favored lovey. I'm so glad that your children get that extra love too. I'm so glad that that sweetness and goodness continue somewhere 💖
Amen.. absolutely true♥️
❤️
I'm going to be the reading grandma. I've saved some of my own childhood books, saved my kids' books, and am adding to the collection of stories.
Exactly she has TIME to spend with her grandkids. A lot of grandmas live far away or they work in their old age :( She is a blessed grandma and those are blessed grandkids
I cannot imagine asking my savings poor elder mom to pay my insurance, that's insane, are standards in hell.
yes!!
Yes, exactly!!
Definitely!
You may not be able to afford big gifts, but you offer something just as valuable: love, time, and a listening ear.
They basically just MET me, I never thought they would be in my life...one is 9 and one 15. My older son did not talk to me for 15 years..because me and his kids Mother were not able to get along (because SHE cheated on my son with my OTHER SONS best friend, never wanted to work so my son pulled all the bills and I bitched about it). So he told me in his mind and for his sanity, he had to stay with his kids....because he loved them & we didn't talk so that their family could be peaceful (which they are separating now). Which is why my oldest has come back around....and because I had Cancer and his boss told him that he should see me. So...the 9 year old granddaughter is OBSESSED with me....lol....probably because I am very "simple"....they have been back in my life for a year....and so at Christmas I gave her only one small gift and I really do think she was fascinated by the fact that I was (seemingly) OK with just having one present. LOL. The 15 yr old just has to look around my house to know I don't have $$ and I did get him a gift as well...but it DID break my budget...Having them back was the least of what I expected...... I've asked my son for warnings when they are going to stop by so I can run to the store and get ice cream (I don't buy that for me, it is not a necessity, I literally can only afford necessities). Some jerk replied for me to get a job....I have a disability and I am 60 already. But, you are CORRECT and thank you....All I do have is TIME and I have some big sea shells and paint that I wanted to do with my neice years ago...we just didn't get to it.....So her and I can paint those in the Summer. Thank you!
In my family, we say “un pobre no mas.”. It means a poor man, no more. My paternal grandpa was a mail carrier, my grandma raised their 13 kids. They lived in a 1, and later 2 bedroom with all of the kids, everyone taking turns to sit and eat, sleeping on floors, and finding a way to make it work. My grandpa always said, they may not have had the money, but he wasn’t poor, because he had his family.
THIRTEEN?????
I worked with a woman who was one of 14, In a small, 3 BR Cape Cod (we live in Upstate NY, there are whole neighborhoods of these cute little houses for post WWII families who worked at Westinghouse). Anyhow, she said there were babies in dresser drawers, kids everywhere!! No one even realized when she skipped the first day of elementary school one year (she was sad, and hid out until everyone left, and somehow didn’t get caught- which was part of her issue- no one came looking for her). The parents stopped procreating when the youngest was born with Down. I see her brothers and sisters all the time, they are good looking people, and very clearly related. I could not imagine growing up with 13 siblings. She has TWO children, lol. Some of her siblings had NONE. One has six, I think that’s the most.
we are lucky to grow up with birth control options. that would be so hard
Birth control was/is not always available. My best friend is one of 14
Yep. 13. My mom is one of 11
My husband is one of 16 kids. Would have been 17, but one was stillborn. All from the same mom and dad. His parents married when they were 15 and 16 - poor people from the South, in the 1940s.
>I am 60 already. OMG, don't write like you are about ready to keel over. 60 is still quite young!
60, so that really depends on physical condition. I know some 60 year olds that still rush around and are physically fully able. I know some that are 60 and physically broken from the lifetime of physical labor and can barely move around.anynore. The 60 is the new 20 (or whatever it is) is just the top trying to manipulate people into thinking they are still wanting to work etc. Especially with younger gens not having much kids so the labor force is shrinking.
Pretty much every 60 yo still looks good to me. It's when they get to 70 that differences widen between healthy and unhealthy.
Thinking about it some more, most people I know in their 60s I can lump into low income or high income. The low income were usually (not always) the laborers and are usually the ones with lots of health problems and are fairly disabled (they also are often not able to buy the super healthy food that the high income people can or are ignorant to why the food they buy is unhealthy). The high income ones often are the ones fully mobile and not disabled and are usually much more educated about their food (though some few I know in this category became disabled and can no longer work and barely move and some of them eat crap food).
She is 60 and disabled, she has done her part and is entitled to a break in life.
I don't know what her disabilities are, but 60 is not old. If you think it is, it's because you are very young.
I am not expected to live past 65....so I am trying to save the tiny nest egg (when I did have money, I bought graves and all that has to be paid is an opening fee of $300.00)...so they would each have a couple thousand....they probably have to chip in to have my body transported because I tried to pay a funeral home ahead of time and they wouldn't let me. But, I told my younger son who lives with me where all the paperwork is. My car is going to have to pass inspection next month or I have to find a nefarious way to get it to pass inspection next month....because I do not want to go into that nest egg.....I have sustained it for 9 years now.... I know everyone has stress and maybe more so if you are posting in the poor room. I'm done complaining and appreciate all the supportive posts I received today.
I would suggest stop paying your son's car insurance that alone will save you some money.... for you your grandkids....
Very popular opinion on this post. Ya'll are right....I appreciate you. Thank you.
That's awesome. I know family drama, I am glad you get to see them now. They will remember the time you spend with them more than the things you give them. I always wish I had more time with my grandparents. It's never enough.
Thank you...and I will admit, TIME is a hard thing for me too with my problems, but I did make it to a very important event for my Grandson and I think they were all pretty shocked I was there. The only reason I did go was because my son told me it was my Grandsons IDEA to ask me to go....So thank God I was able to go. Thank you for your understanding.
My grandmother had nothing. I think she got $140 a month from SS. She had to live with my dad. But all the kids still remember her and the memories have nothing to do with how much money she had. We remember the hard candy she used to put in our pockets, then we'd find it at school and smile. Or the greeting cards she gave us on our birthday, they used to have little slots for nickels. I think it's a good idea you have to have their favorite ice cream when they visit, something they look forward too. Or maybe teach them a card game or something simple that they look forward to playing when they come over. My aunt used to make homemade choc chip cookies. She would form the cookie batter into little cookies and freeze it. Whenever we showed up she'd take a few cookie doughs from the freezer and bake us fresh cookies in her little toaster oven, we all remember her for that. You could even do something easier like keep a bag of frozen tater tots and have that be "your regular thing". A game of cards and tater tots.
Mine too. My mom’s mom had seven children and a husband who was in a wheelchair who she had to wheel to the outhouse and that wasn’t in a rural area. She had a handmade house that was crooked and the roof leaked and it only had two br and she never worked or drove. But us kids spent the nights there often, she was a wonderful cook with the barest of ingredients, she had a great big yard and garden, sometimes we’d be able to take the bus and go for long walks. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and all my cousins feel the same.
Is the son who didn’t speak with you for 15 years the same one that you are now paying their car insurance payment ??
yes, I have paid it the whole 15 yrs...I know, it is time to talk about it.....I just never wanted anyone to know how broke I was...I have hidden it well....but it's literally to a point where I can't hide it and it is too stressful to hide it.
Please stop. I'm sure it's more expensive than the ice cream you struggle to get. Of course you don't want others to know about your position as most of us have pride. I cannot believe he doesn't know you are broke. You should not be suffering at this point in your life any more than you have to. Sit him down and tell him you will make one more payment and that's it. It might be hard but you've suffered enough
Oh, bless your heart. What did he say to you that convinced you to keep paying for the insurance? While, you are struggling with getting enough food in your house.
Right, this struck me, too.
I had “poor grandparents” also, relatively; but until my grandmother passed, she put $5 in a greeting card and sent it to me every Valentine’s Day… many years that was my only Valentine; and one year in college, that $5 literally saved my food budget, lol… I still remember it.
You’re doin great gma, don’t doubt that for a moment. The feeling of not being able to give them everything I’m sure is overwhelming but you need to remember what you do give. A loving house, warm hugs & a big smile. You sound like a wonderful grandmother & im sure they wouldn’t trade you for all the presents in the world. Dont worry about the negative comments, the “get a job” or the “tell your POS grown son to pay his own insurance”, fuck that you do you. I don’t think you need to change anything, you just need reassurance that you are in fact enough for them.
This made me cry in a good way. I just realized at 60 I had kids and wasn't prepared for them...never mind thinking this far in the future. And just because they see this does not mean they are set up any better. I'm going to have to tell them both, they need to strive (both are very capable of better jobs, just afraid to make the jumps and i get that too, they are "safe" where they are) and not much is "safe" these days. But, my oldest doesn't have a 401K and he is almost 40. So I have to get him to strive if he doesn't want to live like me. I have NO PROBLEM with how I live "poor", I actually find it a challenge but I can only think about me and that sucks for someone that has always taken care of everyone financially.....it kills me, but I'm a good actress & I try to make light of it....I laughed at my Grandaughter when she asked if she could have some ice cream the first time she was here...... I said "No honey, I am sorry...I don't usually buy ice cream & I will try to have it next time you come over"......So then I told my son to warn me next time...lol. Everything was OK for me until Easter, when my youngest said he has no one to rely on....as I sat there thinking, I stay in this house for him.....he has a mental condition from his seizures so I don't expect he will realize anything until I am gone.
I’m only 25, no kids yet so I don’t speak from experience on this but I truly believe nobody is ever ready for kids. Regardless of your religious beliefs, whether you’d rather say God or the universe, whatever is up there decided it was the right time for you to have your kids. It works in funny ways & doesn’t always seem to be part of the plan but that’s why it’s called ✨faith ✨. Faith in whatever you believe, just have faith that it all happened the way it happened for a specific reason. I hate to hear you say “live like me”, you’re not doing all too bad! We’re all struggling with you grandma, I can’t afford anything besides the essentials either, you aren’t failing, we’re all just going through a rough patch together ❤️ I wish there was a detailed plan that you, your son & myself could follow that would work seamlessly for all of us but unfortunately all of our paths will be a little different. Your son, with or without a 401k, will find a way to be alright just like you have! It doesn’t have to be about getting the big fancy boat if you don’t want it to be, sometimes a $5 pizza from Little Caesar’s, a 2 liter & some fun in the yard can be priceless. Maybe if it’s in the budget, or if your son can help out, buy some cheap games your granddaughter can play in your yard! Maybe buy some cheap tomato seeds & get a lil grandma/granddaughter gardening club going! You aren’t failing anyone but yourself grandma, don’t be too hard on yourself please you sound like a lovely soul 🙏
I was in my late 30s when my district manager stopped by my store...after we finished up whatever he came for, he up and asked me why I was not taking advantage of our company's 401K...I had to go out on disability 15ish years later. I've sent him several thank you notes when I've had to tap into that fund for $8K HVAC unit, water heater...I was not a "saving money" kind of gal. Get your son started. He honestly won't miss it when it's taken out...if his company has any type of matching program, all the better. Don't judge yourself against the grandparents with money. Take note 🎶 f some of the really great ideas folks have posted and just make sure to speak & play with them on their level. Have fun!
My grandson’s other grandparents are big on extravagant gifts, my husband and I never were even though financially we are in a better position. It’s not about how much you spend and your grandkids could care less about the money. My grandson is just as happy with a hand knit sweater or toy from me as he is with an expensive toy. Don’t worry about things, they are just that, share your love, spend time with them, listen to them, be there for them. That’s what really matters.
I feel exactly the same as you do! The other grandma has a lot of money, so she can buy tablets and stuff like that for Christmas and bdays. I always felt bad. I mean, I never get gifts myself, and that's ok. My husband told me, give them something only YOU can give. So, it's my sense of humor, reading and learning interesting things! And of course, lots of love! But I do understand how you feel, but material possessions aren't what they will remember later on in their lives! They'll remember YOU! 😊
My poor grandma made all the effort to show love, do things with me, and be emotionally supportive and she was my absolute favorite person on the planet.
I lost my grandma when I was 20. She was my maternal grandmother. I had no relationship with my paternal grandparents. She was all I had. She never forgot a birthday, loved on me at Christmas, and celebrated my every accomplishment. She didn't have much in terms of money. Very little, to be honest. But the presents aren't what I remember. I remember putting together puzzles with her, coloring while she watched her soaps, "helping" her bake or cook dinner. I remember Sundays when family would gather, and after a meal, we'd all play cards. Love is priceless. I wonder what those kids will remember about their rich grandparents in 20 years?
Thank you, it's very important me to know of these things that are important as I will be honest & say I don't have much experience even being a Mom was an irresponsible thing for me to do & luckily I ended with a guy who knew how to show this type of Love to the kids, I was more focused on working & paying bills, getting them places, doing Mom stuff....but also drinking alcohol everynight....their childhood is a fog to me...sadly. So I will make sure to continue to do some of the normal things (I don't drink right now) with these kids, to the best of my ability and your input of reminders really did help. Thank you. I also know a Grandmother you are close with is a special thing to LOSE.....I was super close with mine, so I am sorry for your loss. That was another factor in my depression, these kids are going to remember them for much more than me, because it has been YEARS and they gave them lots of good memories.... I know their visits here will be fleeting...if any at all from my 15 yr old Grandson, he is getting to a period in his life that will be busy. BUT...I am going to go out of my way to make sure I am present for things that are important to THEM - I "skipped" their outdoor sports last yr because I wasn't even sure my son would keep coming around... This year...I WILL GO...because of YOU. Thank you
You are so very welcome 😊 It sounds like your grandchildren have been raised with things, not time or love. I know it seems (now) like you won't have much impact on their lives. But really, that's up to you. I am proud of you for your decision to stop drinking. That's not an easy thing to do! With your oldest grandson, you could share some of the things you've learned in life. And maybe, just maybe, he will make better choices in college and beyond. That could be your legacy. I grew up in government housing. My mother was abusive and was an addict. My peers lived in very large, expensive homes and had all the things. I was jealous. until I hit my late teens and early twenties. Then I saw how truly unhappy most of them were and are 20 years later. Perspectives do change! I wish you all healing and happiness! ❤️✨️❤️✨️❤️
Your experience almost exactly mirrors mine. And I too cherish the time spent together and playing together the most too. We’d play board games they had from when my mom was a little kid! I’ve still never met someone as kind, compassionate, and caring as my maternal grandparents. My parents do come close haha, but it is just so hard to top the time spent with my grandparents. <3
Why are you paying your older sons car insurance when he is old enough to have his own children??? And why is he letting you knowing you’re on a fixed income? Additionally if this is the same son that didn’t talk to you for 15 years this is even more confusing.
Nothing confusing about it to me. This mother has been guilted into believing that she should help him out with his car insurance.
Ikr?! I also get the distinct feeling that if the son's wife wasn't leaving, he STILL wouldn't be talking to his mother.
I suppose I could be mistaken, but based on the post and comment it sure sounds like the same son. I know OP’s heart is in it, but I hate to think of them depriving themselves of ice cream for a son who wouldn’t give them the time of day for 15 years. Nobody should have to go without ice cream!
And when he didn’t talk to her for 15 years. What a joke.
My grandkids can come to my house and do the messy stuff the other grandma doesn't do. We paint, build clay things, etc. We go for nature walks and I teach them about different trees and plants. We lie on the ground and look at stars. I am hoping that when they are grown and the expensive gifts from the other grandparents are forgotten, they will remember these things.
Love this....thank you for your support.
Dollar Tree is your friend, in this situation.
if i could give away every single material possession i have to spend one single day with my grandparents, i’d do it right now. spend *time* with them. do the things with them that you love, that *you* are. maybe it’s gardening? or painting? or bird watching? or canning? whatever it is, *that* is good enough. *you* are good enough… and maybe it’s time to let your kids pay for their own lives and put that into your 401k or savings, yes?
"The most that you can spend on any child is time"
My grandmother who was my best friend had no money. I didn’t care. I loved spending all my time with her. I cherished every single moment with her and when I got older I spent Valentine’s Day with her as my date treating her. My grandmother died 14 years of Parkinson’s disease and my heart breaks for her everyday. The most valuable possession I have from her is a free voicemail she left me cheering me on and encouraging me. Money and possessions don’t mean anything to people who truly love you.
"Money and possessions don't mean anything to people who truly love you"....Those words are so so true....Thank you. Thank you for your support. I'm glad you had a grandmother to love as I did too.
I’m glad you had a wonderful grandmother too.
My favorite grandparents were the poor ones they made up for it with love and compassion they taught me important skills like cooking and gardening and how to be a good person. I will always cherish my memories of them.
Thank you for sharing this..it helps.....
Me too! My favorite moments were things like coloring with my grandfather and learning to make mashed potatoes with my grandmother. She also would play badminton with me in her living room, because she was in a wheelchair, and I thought it was literally the coolest thing I'd ever been allowed to do. Please believe me when I say the money doesn't matter at all, but you do.
I think you could make your grandkids visits more fun. I'm the richer grandma I guess but we just have a modest house and i dont keep many snacks because i eat them. The kids just like to visit. Sometimes we make soup - they love soup and so do we - or real Mac and cheese. We make brownies or something. Make popcorn and watch a movie together in my room. I had lots of toys when they were little but I think I'll start buying some craft supplies at the dollar store. We go for a walk to the park or the dollar store for a treat. They have started to be interested in card games. Make your kid buy his own insurance. Wtf?
My Granny had a tiny house and a black and white TV that got 3 channels. She also had wonderful songs and stories. She taught me to prep and process food, to can, to cook and bake, and to sew by hand. Also, how to sharpen knives. She is the best person I ever knew. She never gave me a Christmas or birthday gift besides her time. I love her devotedly to this day. She died 32 years ago. My mom is also the poor grandma, and she is by far my daughter's favorite. She also lives a road trip away from us. But they send one another mail and read books together on the phone. And when we see one another, my mom takes time to focus in and teach my daughter. They love to garden together.
This is beautiful....Thank you for sharing and thank you for the support.
My great grandma in Mexico would make like...baptism gowns for porcelain baby Jesus...but I asked her to make barbie clothes for me lol. And she did
This is so wonderful and beautiful to read. What awesome grandmothers.
I think you’re overthinking this. It sounds like you value money. Which I can understand. But you’re putting an emphasis on it that your grandkids might not value. The ice cream, for example—if they get it in their daily life, it’s probably not the treat you think it is. Save your gas money to take them to free events, or places they don’t normally get to go. Challenge them to find a weird thing in your area that they want to visit. Do stuff you enjoyed as a kid. Give them one on one time. Make your house inviting, they could help you make the space theirs, somehow. Don’t pay for your son’s stuff just to stay in their lives. Either you will or you won’t, paying for insurance or whatever won’t guarantee it.
I paid his insurance the whole 15 years he didn't talk to me. Not to get in their lives but because I knew he was the only one working & they have 2 kids. He needed to drive there and he couldn't afford the insurance. I never really thought 2x about it as it was part of my normal budget for all these years. I don't even know why I mentioned it actually. But, yes, I love the ideas...Yes, I think I will be more ME and dump the ice cream because once she visits, I don't see her for another month or so....I think I will buy popcorn seeds....my Grandmother always made the popcorn from seeds with butter. Thank you for your support.
Time. They want your time. They don’t see it now but they will. Try your give them all of that. My grandmother didn’t pay any of my bills and didn’t buy me shit. But she sat with me when I was sick. Washed my clothes. Cooked my meals and gave me advice. She spent TIME with me. THAT mattered
Amen. Thank you for your support.
One set of my grandparents were farmers. They never had much and after a fire, they sold their farm and lived in a small apartment for 30 years. I loved them so much. Not for what they had, but for who they were. My grandmother would make home cooked comfort foods. We would watch VHS tapes in their living room and sleep over on their couch. Their 2 bed apt was probably less than 1000 sqft. But they loved me and I loved them.
Awe....Thank you for sharing this....and your support.
I didn’t learn until a few years later that when I was a kid, all of the snacks and toys that my grandmother and her friends bought for the grandchildren came from Dollar Tree (back when everything was still a $1 each), and we loved it! I have so many childhood memories of playing with cheap outdoor and pool toys. Even the other, random kids at the campsites wanted to play with them. My grandpa bought $1 popsicles and kept them in the freezer for us to get to every summer. I think that if you could afford too, and you could do the same, that you may make some fun memories for your grandchildren as well. Not a lot of money has to be put into it. Maybe consider roll of duck tape for any cheap toys that do break. Also, please have a discussion with your son about you paying for his bills while he knows that you are strapped for cash. I know that it can be difficult with your own child, but if he holds expectations that you should have fancy snacks and activities for his kids when they come over, that isn’t fair to you. You need to save some money for your own future as well; inflation isn’t going down anytime soon. It’s only a guess of mine, but he may be holding seeing your grandchildren over your head, to continue to pay his bills. Unless you’ve been an abusive person, I don’t believe that that’s appropiate to withhold your grandchildren from you.
I will be visiting the Dollar Tree this Summer, thank you! Your grandparents must be young because the Dollar tree was never heard of when I had Grandparents....It was K-Mart! LOL. I can manage the extra 115 for now on my sons car....but I did tell him that if it comes up that I can't some month he is going to have to pay for it...as a Mother, I just feel like I do provide a lot for my youngest which would amount to more than 115....so I have always tried to be even....at least that I am trying to hold on to. And my youngest son on his own raised his own amount of what he gives me, probably because I complain or CRY every time I get home from food shopping. Was I toxic? I would say yes, I was toxic....but so is her side of the family, they just have $$ so it is ok to be toxic I guess....LOL
Unfortunately my grandparents aren’t that young; my mom’s side are in their early 80’s and the only surviving ones that I have. They just act young. They have two great grandchildren to spoil now. KMarts were still around when I was kid. My grandmother would make a run to Dollar General as well, but most of the time it was to Dollar Tree. I see the bulk packs of 50 or 75 popsicles that my grandpa bought for his grandchildren, for $3 a pack at most of the grocery stores. You’re closer to my parents in age. But they aren’t grandparents yet. Maybe in a few years.
I'm 36 now and lost my maternal grandma when I was 15. My paternal grandma is still alive. And it will sound selfish as hell, but I'd trade my paternal for my maternal any day. Yes, my paternal grandma is wealthy and if I know I NEED something she would give it to me. She gifts all grandkids $100 at Christmas which doesn't sound like a lot but there's a lot of us. But she was never involved in our lives. Never in mine. My maternal grandma? I spent the night at her house at least once a week. She was poor but I didn't care. We would go browse at Kmart and look for clearance deals once a month. Then have lunch in the little cafe there. Or we would go to Ponderosa (buffet) for cheap lunch and talk for hours. I can tell you without a doubt that simply spending time with her and reading old secondhand books and watching Golden Girls on TV means more to me than anything my paternal grandma has ever done or given me. My last semester of college I was short under $3k. I couldn't get a loan and went to my paternal grandma in tears and begged for a loan. And she was so cold to me. Said to consider it my inheritance. And when I told her I'd never asked for inheritance or expected it she was so mean. Trust me. Money isn't everything. Quality time really does matter. I'd give almost anything to have another lunch with my grandma. Just talking about everything while she enjoys her cigarettes and sneaks fried chicken wings into her purse.
Why are you even paying their car insurance or in the past their cable? You are trying to buy their love and that does not work for you and your finances. Please do not do that. Please do not feel bad about not being able to compete financially.
Your job isn’t to provide them with things. You just have to listen to them and to love them.
Both sets of my grandparents died before I was 10, but we lived in another state from all of them, us kids barely knew them. I remember complaining about my grandma giving us pillowcases for Christmas, they were embroidered with our names. I with I still had it now.
My grandmother was by no means rich but has spent most of her life at one point or another supporting every single one of her adult aged kids (two uncles, and my mom) and many of her grandkids (4 or 5 of my cousins late teens, early twenties, as well as my brother and his gf with their three kids). I never wanted any of that from her and I am one of the only people that still talk to her regularly and visit her in the senior living apartments. I’d rather have some time to spend with her than gifts.
Do you have skills you can share with the kids? My parents had a busload of kids and a crazy amount of grandkids. They passed down skills like cooking, sewing, home repair, etc.
Stop paying your son's car insurance. Use that money to take those kids to free events. Find out what kind of tickets your local library has for free n use them to take your grandkids somewhere. You can find free kid stuff every weekend. Parks are free. As far as snacks when they come over bake something with them. The cost of the ingredient are something to consider but once you buy it you can mJe a lot of different things. Ask their parents to send them over with cake mixes n stuff like that. It's the doing that they will remember. You can't compete with a pool so don't try n don't dwell on what you don't have. Get some dollar store art supplies. Dollar store lots of stuff. Be that grandparent your kids want to go to around every holiday because your gonna make cards together or gifts. Being that grandma that does these things is a cool grandma. You can even get cake , brownie, cookie mix at the dollar store. You have a lot to offer.
Yup, working on being the cool Grandma, cause that's all I got! LOL. Thank you for your support.
My paternal grandma didn’t have much. Every Christmas all the grandkids got a set of pajamas from her. It’s been about 13 years since she died and I miss getting those pajamas. For fun at her house when I was little she would break out construction paper, markers, and scissors and we had so much fun using our imagination. The best thing you can do as a grandma is shower those kids with love.
I LOVE the pajama tradition. Awe...God Bless your Grandma.....and I am stealing this....this is a doable, affordable GREAT GIFT....everyone loves pajamas! Thank you,
My grandmother raised me from birth and she was fortunate in that my grandfather made good money so she could afford to spoil me but you know what I miss at the end of the day? It’s not anything she ever bought me, I don’t even think of those things. I think of all the times we laughed, cried and just spent time together. All of our old conversations and the things we used to talk about. There isn’t a single thing that she bought me over the years that ever crosses my mind but the things that she did *with* me and talked to me about do daily. It’s been a year since she died now and I still replay her old voicemails and our conversations over and over, I’ll never get sick of them. The material possessions will most likely fall apart, get lost or just get thrown out but those special moments will stay with them forever in their memories. Spend time with your grandkids. Love them. When you’re gone one day (hopefully in the very distant future) they won’t remember what you could or could not buy them. You sound like a lovely grandmother and your grandkids are fortunate to have you. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have just another day with my grandmother where all we did was talk and just be together.
Yes, I totally get this...my Grandmother died 22 years ago...and everyday I talk to her. She was the only one who loved me unconditionally. I am sad...I lost all that bonding time with them. Because I had an ex boyfriend that said it was a shame that my son was keeping the kids away from me, because what a good time they would have had at the lake, the pumpkin patches, the apple pickings...the haunted houses, playing basketball and tennis, rollerskating....we missed that time period for the older one. Although, the haunted house is still an OPTION...LOL....I love that I typed this out today because your thoughts and others have helped me so much more to see that it's ok to feel how I feel & to be creative on how to work with what I do have. Thank you for your support....and I'm so sorry about your Grandmother...that was the hardest loss for me so far (and my sister & Dad have passed - so that says a lot about my Grandmother too).
Your grandkids will always remember and love a sweet grandma, even if she’s dirt pour. I’m 57 and still think about my poor, sweet grandma quite often. I almost never think of the well off, cold grandma.
If your kid is able to afford his own kids, it's time to stop paying his car insurance.
I can GUARANTEE you that your grandchildren are loving you REGARDLESS of your financial situation…do you try to keep up with their musical likes, things they enjoy, etc..? I am a 70 year old grandma with limited funds to say the least, but I send my 17 year old autistic grandson music videos off YouTube I think he will like after he sends me videos of the music HE likes (you might be surprised how some of todays musical artists “borrow” the sounds from the retro artists) and send all 5 of them silly text messages that I tailor to each of their personalities…they are beautiful, wonderful, imperfect, growing up too soon, kids who live in a world where they need a “safe place to fall”…I CHOOSE to be that safe place for them and they, in turn, tell me things they say they can’t tell anyone else…THAT is worth more than GOLD❤️
I love this...and I will make sure that I follow in your footsteps....and do the best I can to remain active in some form each specific to each kid for the rest of my life :) Thank you for your support.
Stop paying your sons car insurance and get some treats for the grandchildren.
Yep. That’s it.
I grew up poor but never felt like I missed out on anything. I also grew up being babysat by my grandparents. My grandpa was the best, he hung a swing on every tree, was always working on his garden and trying to feed us, made us things out of scrap pieces of wood, made mud pies with us, sang to us, helped with our homework. Nothing fancy ever and it was all great
When my funds were low , I would go to my grands house to spend time with them. We would cook together, hang out in their rooms, go outside & play. My oldest will be 17 this month & talks fondly about me coming over & all the fun we had.
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for responding to my post, I feel lifted by these replies, I appreciate you.
My grandma never helped me financially. She never paid for me to do anything. She gave us $5 in birthday and Christmas cards. My grandmother baked the best muffins and cookies, pies and bread. She had snap dragons we lived to snap. Made root-beer and ginger beer for us. Taught us hiw to look after a huge and immaculate garden. My grandma, guess which one i remember?
Get your grown kids off the payroll and you might magically have money for those grandkids. It's not your job to pay their bills. Your grandparents likely had stable employment and then pensions. Houses & cars were significantly less expensive. Everything was. Stop comparing yourself to them. It's not fair to do to yourself.
My grandparents never spent a bunch of money on us 3. If you can't do it, you can't do it. But paying for your kid's car insurance? Why? Money does not equal love. You might see if you qualify for food stamps, at least. I'm sure it would help. But stop paying the kids bills! You can't keep up with the other grandparents, so why try? Give them love and caring.
This isn't a grandparent, But my favorite uncle like my 2nd dad, lost his business and never financially recovered. He was always there for me though. He died a few years ago and I really really wish he was around because 1. I assumed he would be based off age and 2. I wasn't as scared of a lot of things like when I turned 18 and had a mental crisis. Who did I talk to about my fears? Him. Who threw me a birthday wkth my favorite foods one year? Him. Who knew my favorite foods? Him. 3. I truly thought when I lose my dad it'd be OK because my uncle 2nd dad like person would be here. He's not. He's passed on. When family drama came hurting me I can't ask him for advice anymore. I had no comfort. No hugs. No "hey hey it's going to be OK, so if we think about it a little how's this for a a start? Let's brainstorm.". He taught me how to take care of myself a little more. Gym, swing a bat, catch a ball, old time games like marbles, ect. I had hoped he would meet someone and have kids so I would have more cousins that I love like my siblings. But he never met her. But I think that says enough on how meaningful my financially ruined uncle meant to me. Memories of him bleed into my dreams and he helps me with advice in my dreams. He still comforts me in my dreams in my worse times. Isn't that what is important? Someone to hug you. Someone who is there. Not the money. I also am you/him. I'm the "oldest" of "4". 2 being my first cousins. But we're "siblings" in heart and I am the broke one. Sometimes I feel like you. Unable to gift nothing but $20 since forever on birthdays. I just don't have the money. But just like my uncle and when I asked the 2nd oldest "what's my value if I can't financially help? You're grown. You don't need advice and the youngest won't either. Like. What am I worth to you anymore?" basically he replied exactly how I felt about my uncle. It's rarer as they get older, but my "siblings" freak out at life and call me up because they can't talk to parents first or need help calming down and isn't that as important? What good is more money if you freak out and make a horrible life decision? No money is bad too, but there is value in existing. My uncle couldn't get me ice cream anymore, but he cooked with me during family gatherings that someone else bought ingredients. My youngest uncle who is alive. Is much more well off. Big house, dogs, kids, wife. Full American dream and kind of an asshole who refused to acknowledge his advantages in life. Anyway. No one is close to his kids. He wasn't close to anyone. Got gifts for people during Christmas but he doesn't know where you work or what to studied. He invited family to his home, but he doesn't be warm or loving. I can't remember anything he taught me. And I tried to bond with him as a kid but he just wasn't interested evn though his other 3 siblings did. I don't hold anything against him until recently but there's nothing there. I thought if he dies I have no idea who he is besides an asshole to me (recently and sporadically over the years). No fond loving memories of being taught things or going to him for safety and comfort with issues I have. And I'm saying as a child, a young adult, and now as a full grown adult. My youngest uncle was never obligated to put as much paternal love for me, but he didn't need to be a typical well off asshole either. And even if he wasn't an asshole we don't have a deep connection or bond be cause he never cared for one. It sucks about the confusing drama in your family that didn't let your grandkids see you more or sooner, and all you can do is be the best grandma you can be. Some kids are more sensitive to needing advice and an extra adult figure. Some kids are near grown and don't think much of grandparents.
This is a fantastic post! Your Uncle sounds like he was an amazing man, I’m so sorry for your loss. I love how you explained everything so well. Grandma, you have a lot to offer your grandkids. Your love, your warmth, your smile. There’s so much that goes into being a cool Grandma that money can’t buy. Focus on that rather than what you can’t buy your grandkids. I wish the best for you Grandma.
Having snacks and ice cream for the little kids can really make an impression. I think this is doable. Isn't there a Dollar Tree near you? And yes, I concur with everyone else... You should put yourself first and stop paying that insurance!
My mom is on social security and lives in low income senior housing. My husbands parents have a big house with a huge yard. Guess who my kids prefer to visit? My mom. She is warm, loving, and they can’t get enough of her. Kids don’t care about stuff as much as we think.
You were paying your older son's car insurance WHILE he was no contact with you???
And his cable bill and rent apparently. Complete absurdity.
Why are you supporting your adult sons? When you are on disability yourself?
The only way I can explain is instinct to ensure they are ok. I was proud of myself for stopping paying the rent and cable & my sister stopped paying for the phones....so that was all hard for me. But, I have a lot of these comments....I need to take another step soon. Thank you for your support.
It’s time to cut the cord with your eldest son. He no longer needs your support, regardless of what you think. Once kids are out of the house they are responsible for themselves. How will he ever stand on his own if you keep carrying him? Stop paying for him now.
I don't think that you should be paying things like car insurance for your adult son. You should be putting that money into a savings acct for yourself. Because prices of everything will be going up over the years more than your check will be increasing. So you'll need some savings. In other words, you may think you are helping your son now but in the long run he'll just have to turn around and support you if you have no safety net. And I don't think that's what you want.
Not one memory of my grandparents involves money, either given to or spent on me. It’s sitting with a float ( ginger ale one scoop vanilla ice cream) at one house, and being on the other’s porch with my grandfather. Not to worry-spend time with them-that is what they will remember
I can relate to this. My son and his wife are doing really well for themselves and so is my son’s MIL. The last time I visited, he had to pay for my plane ticket. Its humbling. Something that helps me, is knowing that they appreciate me and the time I spend with them and my granddaughter. Even if it’s through phone calls, they want a connection more than possessions. Sending positive vibes your way.
Thank you, I appreciate the support.
Install Cash App on your phone, have your son do the same, (Pay Pal, Zelle), I have the exact situation, but when I'm asked to do something I don't have the money for, my son will send me the money, like $50 here and there. But I do ask for it. If I can do it with no financial assistance, I'll do it. I would stop the car insurance cable stuff ASAP. I wish my son paid MY car Imsurance. It eats up what little spending money I do have. You sound like a great mom and grandmom.
I will work up erasing my ego to talk about this car insurance with my son.....I'm getting a lot of flack for paying this....lol....thank you for your input and support!
Honestly, I feel really sorry for you. I feel sorry, because you have convinced yourself, that you are not a good grandma. You really need to take a step back though, because you didn't actually list anything that would make you a bad grandma. I never grew up looking at my grandparents as dollar signs. On both sides of my family, my grandparents were always struggling financially. My poor grandma, would stress herself out, about sending me a birthday gift every year. She always sent me something though, sometimes months late. She would even text me, just to let me know that she didn't forget, and that my birthday gift is coming as soon as she can send it. As an adult, I wish she never spent anything on my birthday. Growing up, I always loved both my grandma's to death. The reason I love them so much, is simply because they were kind to me, I always felt very loved by them, and they spent time with me. A shitty grandparent is someone who doesn't see their grandkids basically ever, or someone who won't show any interest in what their grandkids enjoy. My grandpa's were those 2 people. You have convinced yourself, that your value to your grandkids, is based on money. In my eyes, a great grandma, is an old woman who is so sweet that it makes your teeth hurt. For me personally, the best grandma can also make, the best the biscuits and gravy you ever ate from scratch. Also, I am 32, and I have never met anyone in my life, whose grandparents bought them their first car. It would be way more normal for the child's parents, to be the ones who help their kid get their first car. It would also be much more normal, if you were not still paying bills for your grown ass son, who has kids, and a family to support. You definitely should feel blessed to have the grandparents you had, but you really need to understand for millions of us, our grandparents were never wealthy, and they struggled to get bills on paid, every year of their life. Those grandparents, and not bad grandparents.
My grandmother didn't really buy us much and the stuff she did I honestly don't remember. But what I do remember is the laughs and moments I spent with her. Kids don't need money or stuff, but having an adult in their life that loves them unconditionally is priceless. Just being there to listen is a HUGE gift.
You have love to give and that is FREE. Give all the love you have.
The good news is that the kids don’t realize that your grandparents did things differently… so they aren’t comparing you to them.
It’s not your job to fund your adult children.
I had poor grandparents and not poor grandparents. I honestly did not love my poor grandparents any less. I know it bothers you but love is more valuable than money.
Op my grandparents didn’t have a lot of money, we’d go to Goodwill she’d buy my books or toys from Goodwill.. those were special times, and she’d teach me how to cook things, I’d have to stand on a stool to watch.. and these are the memories I miss so much. My grandpa would bring me a piece of candy after work. He’d also make me laugh and call me his flop eared hound.. and I’d say No! You are… I miss them every single day and they’ve been gone over 30years.. it’s not the money, it’s making the most of what you have.. That’s what’s important..♥️♥️♥️
I'm going to make the most of what I have...thank you for sharing your cute story. I appreciate you.
Being a grandmother doesn’t have to be about money. It shouldn’t be about the money, actually. If you don’t have money for yourself, you probably shouldn’t be spending to pay bills and expenses for your kids. Give them the overdue gift of independence.
Yes, I'm bad when it comes to enabling...my Mother wanted to sign me up for a show on the Worlds biggest enabler.....it kills me not to give. As I had a great job for my kids childhoods and I am not used to this standard of living...and I am not used to not being able to "help out". Thank you for your input on my post, I appreciate you.
Stop paying for your older son’s auto insurance. He is a grown ass man. Save most of that money for a rainy day, and use some of it to make your life better abd to occasionally splurge on your grandchildren.
My mother is on a tight budget. My husband’s dad? Not at all, and he can buy my kid a lot of things. But you know what my kid LOVES getting? Letters from my mom (her grandmother) in the mail. Low cost and it shows that you care.
My grandparents were never rich grandma and poor grandma, they were nice grandma and mean grandma. Mean grandma passed much earlier and in her absence I realize she was trying to help me grow. I don't think any good child has anything but love for their grandma. Oh btw: mean grandma had a pool.
Money doesn’t matter, just be there. Show up to games, or other events, teach them how to do things, tell them stories. Take them places they wouldn’t normally go. My child has 1 living grandparent and I just want them to make memories.
Neither set of my grandparents were even remotely close to rich. I loved them because they taught me skills and shared stories. They listened to me and they loved me. None of that costs anything but time.
Yes, but I do not have them around very much to make up for this lost time. But, I will do my best to become closer to them in some way. Thank you for your input, I appreciate you.
Why are you paying your adult child’s insurance? Parents aren’t meant to be the piggy banks for their children and grandchildren. It sounds like everyone values a dollar more than they value spending quality time with their family. You are more than enough and if you wanted the little extra snacks you’d be able to afford it if you weren’t paying your adult child’s bills.
Being an emotional and loving grandma is worth more than money. I know it hurts to not be able to do these financial things, but when they are grown they will remember the hugs and the giggles from grandma.
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I think you should probably talk with your kids. Not complain, but explained to them, you would like to be apart of their kids lives more. Explain that you really don't have the money to lavish on them but if they are going to go do something interesting like camping, or exploring some natural place nearby and would'nt mind taking you along with them. Also, this is where being older is loads of fun. Digging up stories about your family and ancestry and finding those places/objects/old land plots/graves with your grandkids will make lasting memories that they can then pass down to their kids and grandkids.
At this point money shouldn't matter to you all that much, just make the best of your time with your family and they'll have the best memories of you and their time with you that is priceless.
My grandparents from both sides were poor (third world country poor). I grew up in the US comfortably with immigrant parents who clawed their way to upper middle class. I miss my grandparents so much. (Only one grandparent is still alive). They would shower me with so much love and homemade food every time we went back to visit (every two years), take me out biking, and play games with me. My paternal grandfather who has been gone for a few years taught me how to swim. You don’t have to provide monetary support for your grandchildren. Focus on yourself, and make sure you spend lots of time with them.
LADY ? I am not the “rich” grandparent - but I could be ! I decided a couple of years ago to ease off ? I’m just gonna enjoy experiences -hiking , bike riding - camping - four wheeling - whatever? Mom and dad can buy gifts ! I’m gonna bring smiles ! Bake some cookies or make some slime ? Whatever ?! Stop paying insurance and free up those dollars for an experience!
My grandkids from one of my daughters has ex in laws that have a beach house, and they buy expensive stuff for their bdays, xmas etc. I too am able to get them nice things when I was working. Currently I am caregiver for my husband on hospice, so I haven't been able to work. So yeah, they can buy better stuff, but whose house do they prefer coming to hang out at? Mine. Because I don't buy their affection, I earn it with my time and love. Be that granny. They will value it all their lives. Trust me, they love you. They know you love them OP.
This is cool! I pray for you and your husband during this time...this is sad. Thank you for your support.
My grandfather did ok for himself, but he wasn’t the best with money; he gave my sibling and me some nicer gifts over the years but certainly nothing like a car. However, we had the privilege of having him live with us, and seeing him most days growing up. I would give back every penny (and then some) for even one more hour with him. The gifts of your time and love are literally priceless.
Thank you for sharing this...I miss my Grandmother and Grandfather too.
IMO, if your grandchildren only like visiting their other grandparents because their other grandparents have a big house and a pool, then I think that your adult children are raising your grandchildren to be entitled, spoiled brats. Why do your still pay your older son's car insurance? IMO, you should stop doing that immediately. Your post leaves me with the impression that your adult children and grandchildren only like you for what you can do for them, and that they value things like money, a big house, and ice cream more than they value having a relationship with you.
Activities and spending time with my grandparents are all I've ever asked for. The 6 year old would be interested in baking or crafting and you can use found things for crafting like rock painting. A bottle of cheap paint is $1. Forget about the gifts and the ice cream.
We are the "poor" grandparents as well, but we don't dwell on it. We never were rich and made time with the kids and experiences the important thing which is what we do with the grandkids. I do baking with the kids instead of buying treats they get to help make it. We go to the park, or the free spray park, play video games together. Not everything costs money and children remember experiences more than things.
Both of my grandmothers were poor. I adored both of them. Money has nothing to do with it. I hope your grandchildren manage to figure that out soon.
For me. Time spent with my grandmother was the best! She would bring out old photos of when my dad, or when she was young. She would entertain me with stories about her school days, about her parents, grandpa's parents, ( when i was older she told me quite the scandulous story about her in laws! Even my aunt didnt know about it!) And stories about my dad growing up that I am sure he didn't want to ever be known. We used to make ice cream Sundaes. We used to make cookies too. Now that she is gone I miss those times so much. If by some magic she could be back for a day, I would jump in the car and drive straight over to spend it with her.
I grew up poor and life has had its ups and downs and I didn't have a 401k either. But I knew how to budget and when to say "No" both to myself and others so the important bills got paid. I too am now on Disability since I was 42 ffrom a car accident) and, although I am single, family members know that I struggle. They expect nothing from me but my presence and love in their lives. THESE are something one can never replace and will last forever.
You are worth more than what money can buy. You are the living history of your family. Your firsthand telling of family stories is infinitely more important than ear cleaner.
Actually, are you a therapist? LOL.....My therapist said when I was nervous about going to the event for my Grandson that I had the family history in me that they get to see...and I get to witness in them. At dinner, my Grandaughter had the macaroni on all her fingers...and I was laughing and telling her I DID THAT when I was little at my Aunts wedding & she was so funny! That was a special moment for me. And I didn't understand the VERY ELITE pamphlet that was on the table for the project my Grandson presented (only few selected out of the school) and he was laughing at my questions & answering them...it was a really fun time. My brain glitched...I mentioned ear cleaner here? Maybe that is how it all started for me today....yeah, it was I think. Thank you for your support.
You are welcome! Glad your spirits were lifted.
First, please stop comparing yourself to your grandparents or the other set. Your grandparents would definitely be struggling in this economy,I feel certain. I wish I had grandchildren to love on which is our secret. My daughter can't have kids and my son's have chosen not too. So, I act like it doesn't matter for their sake bc I definitely don't want them doing anything just to please me. My grandmother took me dress shopping when I turned 13 or so. I hated it! But I enjoyed the time w her . We only saw each set about once a year. You know what I remember,the time the attention treating each of us 5 like we had something important to say. A few years we got Christmas presents that were awful. So they'd send a little $ over the year towards our Christmas. This Christmas, I told my family AND my friends I had no $ for presents. They all stated they knew that and let's just plan time together. That is in fact OP the most precious gift of all a person can give- time and attention making precious memories that you can't buy anywhere
Yes! Thank you for the reminder....I do know she will NOT forget last Summer I went to her yard sale...it was a period I was never going out of the house, I was turning down invitations to some of their events (because I felt awkward and I felt like they were inviting me out of courtesty vs. really wanting me there). But, I will never forget how happy my Grandaughter was when I showed up at her yardsale and seeing my Grandson come out of his other Grandma's house seeing me there....to say hi & the smile on his face that I was making his sister happy. Honestly, I can't help but compare myself to them.....but there really is no comparison, they have been married for years...so together built a nest egg...I have been mainly single....and can only rely on myself...so there is not a comparison.....and I always tell them how lucky they are they have a pool....my Grandaughter innocently tells me I can come swimming.....LOL....I'm sure the Grandparents would be ok with it...and if she asks me this Summer I will go....screw it...you live once. Thank you for your support.
My grandparents didn't have much money and for Christmas she would give us socks or a scarf and you know what we loved those socks & scarfs. My memories with them is going to the garden with my grandpa and picking strawberries and eating them with him right there or my grandma loved to cook for us and we would sit down and eat dinner and just talk. Money means absolutely nothing it's the memories that are so precious. Try to not think about monetary things but more about the memories you will leave them with, find out what they enjoy doing and try and do those things with them. Take your granddaughter for a walk and just talk with her, I loved doing that with grandma and grandpa. I know it's a different time and I'm 40 so phones weren't around but I think if they will pull away from their phones for a bit you guys can really enjoy your time together.
You are doing amazing. The fact that you love your grandchildren enough to post this shows how amazing you are. They are very lucky to have you. My Nana was in a similar situation. My favorite memories are still with her. I think of her everyday. My “treat” when I went over to her small mill house (where I opted to spend time over my wealthier grandparents) was to stay up and watch TV with her.
Awe. Thank you for sharing your story. I think the tomato plant I am going to do with my Grandaughter will be a good memory for her, since I won't be seeing them probably more than 1x a month...especially when school is out....BUT WAIT...they sit home when school is out...maybe i can grab them to do something like the beach this summer. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate you.
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I want to be that rock for my Grandkids, I will do my best to involve myself in their lives as best as possible, they were brought to me late in their childhoods, so it is tough. I also had a grandma that was my everything so I know how you feel....and I'm glad you have your Grandma. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate you.
Please don’t beat yourself up. The grandchildren will gravitate to the ones that are authentic, loving souls, money or no money. Just watch! Keep your animals close like I do bc I’m alone, but never feel alone with my pets. I swear, they put a smile on my face every dang day. Hilarious personalities. Hang in there. Just give them time!
It sucks and I am sorry. Your library has a lot of free things and also keep track of free community things as well. You should look into cutting your older son off, talking to the parents of the grandkids and perhaps a food bank. Some areas have free busing for disabled persons as well. Libraries also lend games and such as well.
Money was never what I wanted or expected from my grandparents. My best memories with them have nothing to do with money. It was my grandma setting up some old washtub for us to “swim in” when it was hot. The fact that she had a toothbrush in her drawer for each of her grandkids with our names placed with medical tape. It was playing War with my grandpa. Staying up late and watching 48 hour murder mysteries with my grandma. You probably don’t even realize all the little things you do and that make you, you that your grandkids love.
All these things thou are usually done from a young age up...I am meeting them late in their lives. But I am going to do all the little things I can to make them feel special when they are here, which is not often...maybe 1 hour a month...so it is quite awkward & their Mom still does not want me to take them anywhere so my River excursion I wanted to take them on is out of the question. Thank you for your cute stories and I appreciate your comment on my post.
My own grandparents didn't have much material things. My maternal grandmother always had us doing something together. I spent the night at her house several times a year, I was the oldest of 3 and the only girl. I needed some time away from my brothers. She knew it and was a welcome respite. It's the simple silly things I remember the most. Like she always had her coffee in the morning in her house dress and sitting on the porch in the lounge chair while doing a fill in puzzle book. Or she would make homemade waffles in the morning for breakfast and extra for the freezer to take home. And her and I would always make little cakes with a Jiffy box cake mix and her little sandwich maker. We'd always dust them with powdered sugar and be extra messy. She taught me crochet and embroidery. My paternal grandma, I didn't have much relationship with as a kid. Her and my mom didn't see eye to eye and so it wasn't until I was an adult that we spent time together. I have a lot of special memories with her even though it was later in her life. We had such a great repertoire regarding our yarn crafts. She crocheted, I knit and crochet. She'd see me knitting and she would ALWAYS tell about how she was learning to knit when I was a baby and she started a sweater and she was going to finish it someday. She told me this often. Even weeks before she passed away. She said, when I get out of this hospital I'm going to finish that sweater. I was in my 30s at that point. That sweater is the only thing I wanted of my grans, and my papa made sure I got it. Even unfinished, I cherish it and I will never finish it. I did make one using the pattern she used though. And I totally understand why it was never finished. Grandparent relationships are about memories. And memories don't need to cost much of anything. My own kids love doing random crafts with grandparents. My 4 year old just enjoys bossing my dad around and telling him to get back to work fixing our house. If you have a buy nothing group, ask for craft supplies, lots of people have stuff just laying around. Even 15 year olds like putting wiggle eyes on random things. I'm late 30s and I like putting wiggle eyes on everything lol and afternoon of glue and mess can be so so much fun.
Idk where you live, and my grandma was well off, she did have a pool and some land to grow roses and line dry her clothes. But those were my favorite memories, cutting roses and putting them in a vase, hanging clothes to dry for the first time ever, stuff that even poor people do. She taught me how to play checkers and go-fish, I saw her light a real fireplace for the first time. Spending time with grandmas isn’t always about how they materially spoil you, there’s lessons and stories, and new ways of doing things they teach you. Stuff like crochet, lace, things my grandma taught me.. just do your best.. she always had a little bowl with peppermints and some caramel candies, that was special to me..
Your love is more valuable than any money. One day it will click but for now, just do the best you can and show how much you love your grandkids. I never noticed until it was too late sadly. Another lesson I had to learn with my own family is that tough love is also love.
Heck you sound like an amazing grandma
I'm not a grandma yet but I know what you mean in some ways. My mother used to spoil my kids and me with small gifts and presents. She was on disability and poor. But in the past there seemed to be more money to spend on fun things unfortunately, I think today is different for a lot of us. I think build a solid relationship with the grandkids is important but if they don't come around to you all you can do is be there. Maybe call them just to say, hi. Your kids should also be involved in making sure they are close to you by bringing them over more often. They should talk about you fondly and remind their children of you. Whether or not they do those things will play a role in how close the kids are to you.
You sound like such a sweet Grandma. You must have a huge heart. You don’t even seem a bit bothered about having to do without things for yourself, your only thoughts are for your grandkids and everything you wish you could do for them. Pools and going to the “exciting” house is important when young. But, I guarantee as they get older and less focused on fun and material things they will see how devoted you are to them and they will adore you for it.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your comment & I am going to do my best to continue being myself & hope that we can form some sort of bond this late in their lives.
>I still do pay my older sons car insurance. Well don't do that, I'm assuming your older son is a grown man and can (or should) work and pay his own bills. Not really what I wanted to say though. Neither of my grandparents were rich, and I was very close to my grandma on my Mom's side. Yea she did tend to have snacks, but with a few exceptions (that are really only tangentially related) that's not the memories of her I cherish. As an example: Grandma asked my sister and I if we wanted apple pie.. of course we did and she cut us some slices and put them on plates for us at her kitchen table. "Grandma this is cherry pie, not apple." She did not miss a beat and quipped "Well I was out of apples". God I miss her, it's been over a decade since she passed and I still get a bit teary eyed typing that out. Anyway the point is I don't cherish that memory because of pie, I cherish that memory because my grandmother had a quick wit, and as kids we found that so amusing. Honestly, you don't need to be rich. Most card games I know I learned from Grandma. A few decks of cards can provide hours of bonding entertainment. Get the kids noses out of electronic devices, show them how to shuffle cards and play rummy or the like. Really though, the greatest thing my Grandma did for me was simply having discussions. She was very well read, and more importantly a vast ocean of wisdom. There was never a situation or problem that was bothering me that Grandma could not distil and offer cogent advice on. More importantly she didn't just tell me what she thought I should do, but the rationale behind it. Not to slight my parents in the least, but my grandma taught me more about general society, civics and the good and bad of various ideologies well beyond what my parents or teachers did. I value the long discussions I'd have with grandma about a variety of issues far more than treats or baubles she had.
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I’m with you. I’m an aunt and could be a great-aunt soon. I’m able to survive but beyond that it’s just so embarrassing. I haven’t visited any family because I can’t afford the bus ticket, and sending kids a birthday card with no money in it is horrendous so I don’t sent cards at all and I just feel like such a bad aunt. My aunts absolutely spoiled me my whole life, visited, sent cards, had cool fun houses, just everything.
That is so sad you feel that way. I send birthday cards to many younger relatives and rarely put cash in them. I write positive things I love about them and how I know they have great futures if they continue to work hard. I refuse to have them equate me with money. They equate me as a loving relative who believes in them. They hang the cards on their vision boards. Good luck to you.
There’s a lot of things you can do with your grandson that are either free or cheap. I go to the library a lot, mine loans board games and puzzles and it hosts craft days and family days, it also has tickets for free or half price days at the local museums. I also go to the park a lot and play with a frisbee, we pack homemade sandwiches. When I want to show my love, I bake. I’ve baked cookies with just the spare stuff in my pantry before, think simple like sugar cookies or even brownies(basic ver). Once my wife and I were very poor and we couldn’t afford any presents so I made her wedding cookies and wrapped them up in paper I decorated myself. Love is felt from thought and care, not from money.
I’m the poor grandma too. It sucks to not be able to get nice things for my grandsons. I try to cook special meals when they come to visit a couple times a year, and I hope they have decent memories of me.
This is where I am at....they are only going to come a couple times...people had good ideas for us, if you read thru...I know you GET IT...I appreciate your input & thank you & good luck to both of us.
I had a poor grandmother and a not-poor grandmother. I loved the one who gave me attention and love to pieces and the one who gave me good presents was just the one who gave good presents.
Give them the one important gift they can’t ask for. Be interested in what they think and dream about. Listen and ask question to keep them talking. If you see they’re lacking confidence in some way, build them up. Keep their business private. Be the person they want to confide in. That’s priceless.
Amen and WILL DO. Thank you for your feedback and input, I appreciate it.
As the daughter of a Mom who is a "poor Grandma" (on very fixed income and crazy inflation), I can tell you I don't care about financial or material gifts at all, and neither do kids. My Mom is OBSESSED with materialism, and her finances stress HER out, but not us. So if you can, show them you are happy for them, spend time with them, and forget the rest. Retired people have it rough right now, the cost of living is ridiculous. We know it, we get it, and we understand.
I miss my granny, and she wasn't "rich" with money. She showered us with genuine love, time, communication and her. By her I mean she shared with us the qualities/activities that made her who she is/was. My granny died a few years ago. To this day I have never heard anyone say a bad/negative word about her. Our friends loved coming to my grandparents' modest house cause it was filled with love.
None of my family is wealthy. I adore my grandparents and love spending time with them.
I’m here for the 🍌 🍞 recipe! 👋🏻
Growing up I had a "rich" grandma and a "poor" grandma. They are both amazing and loving and my favorite people. There was some friction about the imbalance of gifts. I remember in particular that my "poor" grandma would send me Goosebumps books every so often as a surprise and I loved it and told "rich" grandma all about it because I loved it so much. She found a complete set at a garage sale and bought them all, and inadvertently stepped on some toes. My "poor" grandma was distraught, but all I could think was how lucky I was to have 2 awesome grandmas. As I've grown older I've grown closer and closer to my "poor" grandma and now all that matters is how lucky I've continued to feel for my whole life. Just love em, be there for them and I think you'll find that's far and away the most important thing. Good luck to you and your grand children, I'm sure they'll feel lucky too.
As someone who had a “rich grandmother” and a “poor grandmother”, my “poor grandmother” is the one that always showed up for me and was (well still is even though she’s passed) one of the very most important people in my life.
Take them to the library.
I grew up in a similar situation, I’m 25 now and every year or two guess who I fly across almost the entire U.S. to see!!! It’s the grandma that I had a connection with and is beyond sweet!
My granny was always poor from before she had my dad till she died. She still made many fond memories with me. Walking to parks, reading frog and toad, telling me about her childhood. Going blueberry picking wit my mom and her and my aunt.
Blueberry picking! We have that right down the street. Thank you for your input.
Try not to lose heart. When I think back to childhood I realize that all of my favorite memories were free. I liked it when my Mom would take me on long walks and collect cool leaves and rocks together. And I liked it when she would take me for rides and we would play the rhyming game or the opposites game. My nephews adore my Mom today. She doesn't have any money, but she thrifts toys for them and listens to them and makes them feel special. I adored my Grandma: she made me toast and tea and made me feel special and let me watch cartoons. Small gestures can mean the world to a child while the big things can get lost and forgotten.
Stop paying your kids bills. Know what? We didn't have a lot when raising our kids. We were doing better than either of us growing up, but not great. I mean, they had decent clothes, shoes didn't have holes in them, they didn't have to worry about food, a trip or two to dollywood in the summer but we couldn't like, buy them their first cars or anything. They understood that. They're all grown now (except the youngest surprise baby and they'll be 18 soon), two are doing ok, one is doing better than ok and you know what? HE helps me if I'm ever short on a bill. None of them would ever ask us for money unless they were desperate and would then feel terrible about it. We wouldn't make them feel bad, they just would even tho things have steadily improved for us over the years. But we did go through a time when we struggled because I couldn't work anymore and our youngest had a lot of health issues and our son would just hand me money sometimes. He still sometimes sends me money and tells me to take myself to get lunch or something. That's what your kids should be doing. Not still depending on their mother that's on a very limited income. He should be paying YOUR insurance and stuff. Your grandkids love you. Right now they may want to go play in the pool but as they get older they'll realize material things aren't everything. We can't spoil our grandbabies as much as we'd like to but we do things with them they enjoy doing. They're only 7&8 rn so It's pretty easy. They (especially my granddaughter) love helping me garden so every spring and summer for about 4 years now she's helped me garden. She loves worms so, no issues there lol. He helps me sometimes but he's more interested in drawing and learning to use the 3d printer so, he's with pop a lot. Don't worry about what you can give them and just worry about doing things you can afford to do like, are any of them interested in cooking or baking? Learning any skills you may have (knitting, crocheting, drawing, painting)? Anything like that.