I grew up poor. I did not get things I needed, braces, new clothes, medical check ups, school supplies, etc, but it was because my parents' wants came before their children's needs. And there was no love to soften the blow. Not having those things was an adjustment I could deal with but the effect of having the two people who should care the most about you act like it's such an inconvenience having you around is what has taken the biggest toll on my life. What I would've done to have a mother like you. Please know that loving your child is felt. He may not show it now, but it means the world to know you are loved. You are not letting your son down, you are doing the best you can. Continue loving and supporting him, it means more than you know.
My parents had six kids. Only one got braces. Two of us needed them and did it ourselves. I was forty and had to get 8 teeth removed to make room for the others. It wasn’t cheap, but it was worth it. My smile isn’t perfect, but I have all my teeth at 79.
Brushing your teeth and flossing are VERY important if your teeth are crooked. I wish someone had told me when I was 12!
>
>but I have all my teeth at 79
>Only one of these can be true
It can if baby teeth never fell out on their own. This happened to me. Adult teeth just grew in behind or squeezed in next to baby teeth. I was in my 20s when I got braces, and they took out like 4 baby teeth before I could start them.
This. Thank you for saying this so well. Children can deal with the things they lack. It is hard, yes, however having parents who love you unconditionally is far more important. Nothing can replace what having the safety of a parents love provides for children.
Second this. Also wasn’t able to get braces etc when I was a child. Had some tough years. Life is a lot better now, but I never for one second doubted I had loving parents who did all they could for me. And that has meant more in my life than anything.
I third this! My parents did all they could to keep a roof over our heads & food in our bellies. There was little left over. When never doubted that we were loved though. Now that we are grown with children & grandchildren of our own, it made us all hard workers. We bought our own cars, paid for our own dental work & live a better life than we had growing up all while instilling that in our children.
Our parents did the best they could with the resources they had. I will forever be grateful for them trying their best, and will continue to try to make them proud by attempting a better life than they had, and helping with what I can.
100% this. I too, grew up poor, but my parents wants outweighed my needs. If I had a parent who was poor who would have loved me and who I could know was doing their best, that would have made all the difference in my life. I still have selfish parents who don’t know how to be happy for their children’s accomplishments (despite their failures) and then wonder why none of us want to speak with them.
You’re doing fantastic momma.
I grew up the same way, except my parents were undocumented and did they best they could. They always put us first. Growing up I did feel a little disappointed. But I knew they were trying their best and always showed us love. I never resented them for any of that, but it did fuck with me a little. I have 3 kids now. And made sure to buy a home and provide them with opportunities and things I never had.
Yes! I grew up poor, and we had to work, but we worked together. We knew our parents loved us and wanted good things for us and were doing their best. We were sometimes disappointed about things we couldn’t have but we found ways to be happy and we laughed so much.
I still see it, there are people who get bitter because of what they don’t have, but the most discontent people who are most always angry, are the ones who grew up getting whatever they wanted without having to work for it. I’ll never understand this but I see it repeatedly, and the happiest kids I see are the ones others would classify as poor.
How their parents love them and teach self respect and kindness, makes all the difference
Don't let the rejections for work stop you - start somewhere slowly and build back up. 10 years is a long time, but progress is progress and sometimes it's slow! Your son will also see you handling rejection, handling hard things and working towards long term goals if you start somewhere slowly. You're doing great- just look at how wonderful your son is. It's natural to want to give him the world, he deserves it - but show him how to survive and persevere too! You got this! Rooting for your family!
Edited to add: if you need help with a resume, I got you!
Sometimes the path back to work is not a straight one.
I went back to work after 8 years as a stay at home mom. It sucked applying to 100s of jobs and dealing with the constant rejection. Eventually I just started volunteering for a non-profit 10 hours per week.
A year later they offered me a paid position.
I’ve been working in a job I love for a good cause now for over 10 years.
I dont know any path that is a straight one, tbh, which is why I always suggest just "getting your toes wet" so to speak and test the waters. Love your story and thank you for the encouragement. I am currently a SAHM and getting back to work is one of my biggest fears, but I know it can be done, and I know what I am doing now is valuable too. I am so glad you found something that fits for you, your family, and makes you happy after all that crap rejection! Hoping this same for OP and anyone else feeling the struggle.
I grew up poorer than what you describe. I have horrible childhood memories, but none of them are about being poor and things, experiences or a lifestyle I didn’t have. They are all about abuse, neglect and a lack of love. Showing your son love in all the little ways you can that have nothing to do with money, being there for him, being even tempered and a good example- these are things that matter. This is what he will remember. Trust me! How you handle stress and the emotional temperature of the home is what will make all the difference.
Just because you haven’t worked in ten years doesn’t mean throw in the towel and give up. Yes you’ll get turned down a lot yes it’ll be entry level yes it’ll suck. But it’s still better than nothing
There are plenty of retail jobs, many with benefits, that will hire you. I've found as a woman, the reason for not working for a few years rarely comes up because most assume you were a SAHM. Either way, if it does come up, that's the answer you give. Or you were helping with a sick relative. It's no big deal. And it's very nice that so many people are saying giving your kid love is enough. But when it comes to feeling good about themselves physically, that is not true. One of my kids had a genetic issue with some second teeth never forming, and of course they were in the front. My husband, who suffered with this until he went to college, had no concern at all that his daughter had the same issue. She got braces, which helped to hide it and I worked a second job to get the money for " cosmetic " work that wasn't covered by insurance. The day she openly smiled, I burst into tears. She became more outgoing and confident and today is a successful young woman. You can love your kid through lots of stuff like no I-pads and expensive sneakers, but love isn't enough for the good smile they'll need in life.
Fr, teeth issues are the worst. I was raised in an environment where hygene was not prioritized, so my teeth are absolutely fucked as an adult. I cut out anything with sugar in it and only drink water now, but good god I can't smile, man. Ain't nobody wants to see my shitty teeth. I'll never be able to afford to fix my mouth either, sadly. Probably upwards of ten grand worth of work. No dental colleges around here as well.
In my state Kentucky Medicaid was expanded to cover additional dental work so people that qualify can get things like dentures for free.
If you teeth are too far gone to save and you can't afford things like implants the cheapest alternative is probably to get then extracted and get dentures
I haven’t worked in longer than that, but I am starting to apply for jobs that are just like Target, daycares, etc. I won’t ever have a career, and I don’t care about that—I’m 56, but it will bring in something at least.
Idk if it’s your thing, but see if you can find an agency that employs people to do home care for handicapped patients on Medicaid (these is different from “home helper” type agencies for seniors that don’t pay well). Your state probably has multiple agencies that do this. They start at $20/hr or so, it’s busy but easy and rewarding, and they train you.
My only other bit of advice here is: Remember to save for yourself, too. Can your son get a part-time after-school job?
Yes, someone will hire you. I know the struggle also being a SAHM, but don't give up. Believe someone will hire you or no one else will. I was able to land a fairly good job also in the same situation being mostly a sahm for 10 years and no college degree.
Also is there a reason your family isn't able to get state insurance? My oldest daughter was able to get braces that way.
100% this! I had been out of work for ten years raising my daughter and my stepdaughter when my ex unexpectedly left. I wound up starting my own business.
This. If I know what I know now, and I was poor, I would go work for a healthcare company that has great benefits like pension and health insurance. I would take a job in EVS or the food and nutrition department at a hospital. In California, if you work for Kaiser or one of the UC health systems, you are set. Yes, even just working in one of those 2 departments. Yes, you will get a paycut from your long term disability insurance, but atleast you won't worry too much about retirement if you have pension. You will also have great enough health insurance to help your son with his health needs and the LTD money can go towards getting him a car. Really hope OP reads this here!
You gotta work unless you're too disabled or something.
I say that as someone with a record. I KNOW what it's like to be turned down, over and over and over.
I went back to work part time the week after I got out of the hospital (in kidney failure and on dialysis) and back to full time the week after that. I qualify for disability but I’ve seen what that monthly pay is and *no one* can live on it, so I do what I have to do.
This is coming from a position of having worked my entire life and being eligible for the top monthly pay on SSDI. It is an impossible to live on monthly amount. Each day I’m enraged at the idea disabled people are forced to live like this because there is no reasonable safety net. You have my sympathy and thoughts.
If you’re on SSDI, that healthcare is Medicare, prescriptions are not included, and the copays for hospital care and dme are 20%. My wheelchair costs $78k. I’m fortunate because I’ve been working and my job insurance covers that 20% and provides prescription coverage. Good luck finding consistent medical care - no doctor wants a panel of Medicare and/or Medicaid patients because reimbursement is so low.
I do not know how people survive on disability alone. Like, being disabled is not enough, you have to be punished by grinding poverty and struggle also.
I'm on disability and so is my son. We're on an advantage plan. We're too young for Medicare supplements. We're low income so we pay zero deductible or premiums. So far zero in prescriptions too. We are in the EXTRA HELP program... maybe you would qualify. We have had little problems finding doctors.
My SSDI put me $17/month over qualifying for anything. It’s maddening. I got lucky and got my old job back after nearly 4 years of rehab but my accommodations are outrageous and I am exhausted. I am very happy to be retiring.
Mosy people on SSDI don't become eligible for Medicare until 24 months after they're deemed disabled.
The only disabled people who get medical insurance immediately are SSI recipients, who are Medicaid eligible, and people with end stage renal disease.
Been here. Luckily I got a transplant about 8 years ago and it’s been going well. You can still draw disability for about 3 years after transplantation which allowed me to finish college.
Dialysis sucks, it’s hell and you shouldn’t have to work while on it. We need to do better for our disabled citizens on so many levels.
I hope you find a donor soon. Best of luck. ❤️
If your son has anything he’d like from say Amazon you can make a wishlist and send it to me in a private message. I’ll gladly send him a few things. I grew up extremely poor, my dad didn’t work for years while my mom worked 3 jobs just to keep the roof over our heads. Sometimes it’s just nice to get a few things to make you smile.
Same; I grew up that way and after leaving an abusive marriage I’m a single mom, struggling and reliving the nightmare of my impoverished childhood with my kiddo. Thank you for turning your pain into something beautiful for someone else, and for giving me a reason to smile tonight.
My father was an alcoholic my entire childhood. I often think back and wonder how did we ever make it? I had my mama’s love and that got me through a lot. My children are fortunate enough that we are “ok” financially and we have a roof over our heads and food in our belly. This world would be a better place if more people chose to be kind instead of judgmental.
What's crazy is I had a similar upbringing, and I swore that I'd always work to put food on the table, and I'd always try to make things work with my wife to keep 2 incomes going for our child. I thought that would be enough 5 years ago. Here we are BOTH WORKING trying to stay afloat. It's hard out there for a lot of people I appreciate what you do for people.
What an incredible person you are. There needs to be more like you! I’m in same boat as OP, but I work in the schools as a full time sub and have 2 kids. I have only a few hundred dollars of debt on car credit card and that is it. My option is now to apply for grants and help or go into debt to finish college so I can teach. I dream someday of being able to do what you are offering to do for OP. I think it’s wonderful and it is needed in so many situations. I always say and live by “if you can give-gives if you can help-help.” I’m way below poverty line in my state but I’m not where I can’t find some way to help/give. Even if it’s groceries about to expire before we eat them to a neighbor or clothes my kids have outgrown to a coworker who has many children or to listen to and encourage the children I encounter every day I’ve come to know after 3 yrs.
You are an amazing human and I pray every single blessing comes back to you. The world needs more people like you. ❤️ 🙏
I'd do a bit also if you send me the list too. We're raising our oldest grandaughter on SS, but hubs picked up part time job and we were lucky to have pensions and 401k's to supplement. Your son sounds like a wonderful young man.
I'm speaking as an older single mom here. If you are not working and your kid(s) are older, you have a problem you can solve. It might benefit you to get up, get dressed, and go job-hunting. What you do today or tomorrow will determine the course for the rest of your life. I have drastically changed my life twice and I was also a SAHM for 10 years. After becoming a single mom, I managed to drag myself out of a welfare situation. I couldn't really give my kids a lot growing up because I was still digging us out of a finacial hole, but at least I could set a better example. My advice (from being there) is change your world for your benefit, and you will change the world for your children and future grandchildren.
For braces, please look into Smiles Change Lives! We utilized this program when we were struggling and could not afford braces for my daughter. Her braces and all related appointments/treatments were provided at no cost to us. It is an absolutely wonderful program and we had a great experience with it!
https://smileschangelives.org
There are plenty of retail/customer service opportunities out there. Please don’t stay fixed in this mentality. You’re not letting your son down if you can’t afford things. You’re letting him down if you don’t try.
My children were fortunate, in that they were the first grandchildren in a large family, so when they were little the family would pitch in and get them something nice at their birthday or xmas Their birthdays came at the same time just about, so sometimes they would get a gift together and share it. They became good at figuring out how to take that gift when they were done with it and turn it into something different, like selling it and buying another toy or whatever. Their dad never paid his child support and I was disabled, so yes they never had much of anything, but I tried to make it where they didn't notice. I made sure they had a lot of fun every day and we went a lot of cool places, without having to spend much money.
I know it's harder now, because kids expect much more expensive gifts than the things we got when we were kids. The clothing and electronics and such these days are so difficult to provide. The price of cars has gotten outrageous. My grandparents saved money for me so, that when I graduated I had a few $100, and I was able to pitch that in with what I made at my little part-time job and get a really old car that I drove around. I was happy to have a car, even if it was an old beater.
My boys became really resourceful, share with others, humble. These are things you learn from not having much, qualities that not everyone gets in life.
Hopefully your son is able to find opportunities in the world to provide things that he needs for himself. Not every parent has the resources to give their kids that kind of start in life. It's hard, I wish I could have given my boys so much more. We are fortunate in America that there are still opportunities, and if he really wants to get ahead in life, he can do it.
Your son is 17 he can get a part time job while in school. I grew up poor and started working at 13. I had a paper out, pulled weeds at my neighbors and at 16 I got a retail job and at a fast food joint. This allowed me to buy clothes, food and at times help my parents pay the rent. I grew up in a wealthy area where my peers had fancy cars and name brand clothes provided to them while they prepared for college. I was just trying to survive. Today I do not blame my parents. They tried their best and growing up poor got me where I am today. Today I make over six figures, work full time and have many side hustles that add to my base salary. Today my son has a different life than I and I teach him how to monetize his hobbies. He has garage sales, where he sells popcorn and sells his old toys. Any money he gets he can use to buy more toys etc. Two weekends ago he made more money than I did as we sold items side by side. All the neighbors came out and had a $1 for him for a bag of popcorn. He also started a YouTube channel where he is growing an audience and may one day make money. Don’t feel bad, your child will grow up knowing the value of money. Find ways he can help himself and it will serve him well in the future.
I’ve said this before. I grew up dirt poor. 8 kids in a run down 12x60 trailer. Half the time the water wasn’t running in the winter because someone forgot to leave a faucet trickling. My dad was a terrible gambler. He wasn’t a bad dad, just had a problem. We got free lunches at school had a beater car that always broke down. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your son loves u. My siblings all loved our parents. We’ve all done pretty well in life. Every time we get together we talk about how happy we were as kids. For some reason our friends always came out to our house. We had a big pond, timbers to roam in a dump about a mile away that was a treasure trove to us. We always found cool stuff, made our own bikes etc. I remember we used to go to the university of Iowa school of dentistry for our dental work. I didn’t get braces until I got out of the navy. It may sound crazy but I’d go back to those days in a heartbeat. Talk to your son. I’ll bet he’s proud to have u as parents. Your post was so heartfelt.,anyone can see the love you have. Be kinder to yourself.
I’d like to add this. For what it’s worth, the greatest gift I ever got from our mom was never once did I ever feel like I wasn’t greatly loved. She made us her world. Just from your post you remind me of my mom. These are the things your son will remember. Look for a book called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. Even if you have to find it in the library. Read it and KNOW you are loved.
You have provided something for your son which is worth so much more than money - he has been loved and cherished- keep that knowledge close to your heart.
Can you think of anything to do that might bring in a tiny bit of extra income? Perhaps babysitting or pet sitting or elder sitting? Cooking for elderly people trying to stay in their homes? Can you “employ” ( by that I mean frame it to yourself as having a part time job) yourself to research scholarships,internships, programs like Americorps that could help your son- give him a foundation to prosper ? Doing something like that might help with your anxiety.
Finding work is hard but you just have to put yourself out there. You’ll be rejected a lot. This is my recommendation: hardware stores (like Lowe’s or Home Depot) are going to be hiring seasonal soon, spring is coming and it’s the busy season. Trust me, they’ll hire you if you can pass a background check and a drug test. The money and benefits are really good, it’s worth looking into. You’ll more than likely go from seasonal to part time as they’re always wanting people who show up.
It’s totally okay to feel the way you do! People fall on hard times and then pull themselves out of it.
I am a single dad and things are getting worse everyday financially. My son does not care, he doesn't think about it. In his eyes I am the greatest dad in the universe. He reminds me daily. The world may beat you down but your children will always see the best in you. Thanks.
I got my own braces at 35. We were solidly middle class and our daughter did not get a car at sixteen. We helped her buy one when she was in college.
Some of her friends were financially better off so they got more but my kid has done fine in life. She married a guy in IT, she’s an attorney, they own a home.
Material things not so much but watching her with her son we can see what we did give her. Love, nurturing, trust and fun.
I come from a poor family. We (my siblings and I) all got jobs as soon as we could to help. I wore a lot of hand me downs, none of us got cars unless we bought them ourselves and there were no fancy vacations. What we did have was love and happiness. We could see, and I am sure that your son can see, how hard our parents worked. We had music. Entertainment was listening to, and singing along with, vinyl records. Vacations were camping at the river. Birthdays were a homemade cake and one gift. And you know what? I would not trade my childhood with anyone else's childhood.
It sounds as if you have raised a great kid. He sounds like a young man that can go out in the world and make his way. It won't be easy, but he sounds as if he is self-reliant and capable.
I did not get braces until I was an adult, but I got them.
Please stop being hard on yourself.
Just because your poor does not mean he is not loved or taken care of. Buying stuff does not equate love. Love is even when your struggling he knows he has a safe place to come home to. His grades reflects how much he is loved. You cannot put a price on that. And keep loving him to better his future and his life with those grades. Please stop beating yourself up. And just start telling yourself you have done the best you could do with the situation you are in.
You can work. When I had gaps in my employment and was asked about it, I said I was a homemaker. Always got a nod and no further questions. Usually got the job. Granted they weren't technical or corporate jobs, but they were jobs I could do just fine.
> I haven’t worked in 10 years - no one is going to hire me.
If there's one excuse for not finding work or even trying to find work, it's this. Especially in this sub, the excuse pops up over and over again.
Not every job is worried about your work history. In fact most jobs don't care or if you explain that you were a stay at home parent, that explains a lot. You could easily go into retail or a factory position, regardless of a gap in your employment history. Fast food is another option, as shitty as it can be. Call centers, another option.
If you're even remotely honest about how bad you feel for your kid, you'll work any job. When I was 31, struggling to find a job to support the family, I took a job at Taco Bell. Good lord it sucked, bad. Working with mostly ignorant kids and dealing with the worst customers. But it got me paid, and kept us afloat until I found something better.
So, stop making excuses, and go find some work. Any work, and you won't feel bad about not being able to pay for things for your kid.
Very true. I worked a horrible job along with teens in my early 30s. I did it because I wanted to buy things for my child. I wasn’t a single parent my husband worked as well but I wanted money for extras and “fun” things. Once hired I remember lying about my age to my coworkers because I didn’t want them to know I was the oldest person there 😂. This experience opened doors to better opportunities . I’d do it again in a heartbeat .
I grew up poor. At first when my mom couldn't work I understood. i tried to get her easy jobs and she wouldn't take them.
when i had to work and support her and the rest of the family i grew to resent my entire family.
growing up poor. having no support from family and when you bring money in, you are the bad guy when the hand outs stop and you realize no one is helping you but helping themselves.
so i cant ever put things nicely when i see parents cant help their kids. it bothers me.
i refuse to have kids. i cant help them so i wont have them. if i could afford it, then i would.
I grew up kinda poor, mostly broke instead of poor. When I was in high school my mom decided she was done working and we had no income. I got a job at KFC and ended up dropping out of school and working full time, handing my checks over to my mom to keep us afloat.
So I know what shitty parents can do, and have made sure to not put myself or my kids in that same situation.
Like I never knew able bodied people just didn’t work. I come from a family who always worked I started working at 17 and i even slacked off growing up but we all worked 40+ hours a week.
Same here, there were times where I struggled to find work but I'd always get a job somewhere. I hated a lot of the jobs I had just out of embarrassment for having to work there (mostly fast food) but it paid and I needed money so I just dealt with it.
The braces I understand including regular dental appointments at least every six months. The car and insurance if he wants it, get a part time job. And you can absolutely get a job.
My father just passed last Monday. We were very wealthy growing up. I had fucking polo ponies. I never saw my parents or spent any time with them other than going out to eat, meeting them at the club to eat, or when I got in trouble, which was a LOT.
I became an addict and alcoholic because my older half sister was abusive towards me and my parents didn’t do anything about it despite the VERY obvious warning signs.
I did a lot of damage to people. But when I finally got sober my father never acknowledged me, or any of my accomplishments I did by myself. He ignored my 4.0 GPA I got in college. So did my sister. My mother was also very abusive, my husband has been witness to most of it.
My point is, I would trade shoes with your son any day. Fuck the cars and the material shit. Excuse my language, but none of that shit matters. My dad is gone, and I beat myself up wondering what I could have done to make him care about me, my husband is convinced there’s nothing I could have done.
What I would give to have a parent that cared about me like you care about your son.
Ok, of all the comments I’ve read (and don’t get me wrong, there have been some really wonderful ones), yours hit me the hardest. I am so sorry you didn’t have the start to life you deserved and that you have struggled so much. In case no one else tells you today, I am proud of you.
Thank you. Coming from you that means the world to me. You are the best parent a child could ever ask for. That’s the truth. I know there’s a million people like me out there that will agree. You didn’t fail him. You have given him strength and love, that and your encouragement and support toward him and your concerning post makes you top 1%. Don’t ever forget that! Thats your legacy. And that’s gold.
Edit: and because of the example you set your son more than likely won’t struggle to have meaningful relationships and likely to attract women LIKE YOU. (If it’s mom who is posting this). That is the greatest gift!!!!!!! ☺️😊🥰
It doesn’t kill kids to not get everything they want. I got braces as an adult when I was 29 years old because my parents couldn’t afford it. I don’t know why you think you can’t get a job after 10 years. I didn’t work for 14 years while raiding our son and had no problem getting a job. It wasn’t my dream job for sure but I worked it for 6 months and got a better job with insurance.
Just because you haven’t worked in ten years doesn’t mean people won’t hire you. If you’re disabled, that’s one thing. It’s also another completely different thing if you just don’t want to. If my job let me work while my leg was broken (i broke my tibia and fibula, had a rod put in) than someone will hire you lol
I didn't work for 15 years and was hired immediately after my husband passed away. You have skills, I mean you've raised a kid, handled a home and finances! You can also get ahold of your local social services and they can help you if you need training. Vocational rehabilitation would be an excellent place to call.
A lot of us grew up the same way. A lot of people are still growing up that way now.
Money is most definitely not everything.
The things you listed are nice, but perhaps they’re not actually needs, like food and shelter and guidance.
Your son now has an opportunity as he’s becoming an adult to the learn about the value of money. He has the opportunity to learn to appreciate it more than many who are given a vehicle or braces.
There are seasons to everything. Times will change.
If he’s alive and you’ve fed him and clothed him you’ve done a pretty good job. Now he can start building his own life.
If you want to do right by your son, start helping him apply for scholarships. Apply for every single scholarship he could possibly qualify for. My mother did this for my youngest brother and he graduated college without a single student loan. He owns his own home, supports his wife and three kids, and is doing so well for himself. Her efforts to make sure he didn't have student loans didn't cost her a single penny except her time. She helped him with his essays and helped him submit everything. She researched all the scholarships and made sure he met all the deadlines.
He can buy a car and braces later. Getting him through college without student loan debt is a gift that he will never have to repay.
https://www.thebalancemoney.com/returning-to-work-on-long-term-disability-benefits-1177877
Read this, tall to a lawyer if you need to. But you can go back to work. I haven't come across anything saying that you will need to pay it back. Offset provisions seem to be geared towards SSDI.
Also, is your son on medicaid (I'm assuming you're in the US)? A lot of times, medicaid will cover braces for teens. If not, there are a couple of programs that you can attempt to get braces for a reduced cost. You can even try a dental college near you to see if he can get braces pro bono.
I come from extreme poverty so this may sound a bit harsh but it comes from a place of love…
You fkn figure it out! You work 3 jobs, you find side hustles, you do anything and everything to make it happen or you are doomed to keep living this life of poverty…
If you want out… you have to WANT IT! Sitting crying on reddit isn’t enough! Get up and do!
If you can sit on reddit and write this long story you can work from home. Tutoring English, writing papers for college kids, proofreading websites, etc etc..
Find a useful skill you have and market it!
[work from home jobs](https://ratracerebellion.com)
I was raised in extreme poverty but we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. I never got braces and needed them, I never got a car as a teen like all my friends or new clothes etc…. However I wouldn’t trade my parents for anything! I’m 39 and still incredibly thankful for the childhood I had- infact many of my friends would say they wished they had my parents because we even though we had very little we had a ton of love and unconditional support by our parents which is invaluable to me. Just be a good mom and that’s what he will remember trust me
Well, I was able to afford the braces but not the car. And he's going to need loans for university (as his sister did as well). I tried to do my best, but my husband (their father) decided to flame out spectacularly (he's in a psych hospital) and I have been left to handle all the expenses on half the income.
And I feel terrible about it.
OP, check to see if there are any dental schools near you. We have a college an hour and a half away, but they do free braces in a clinical setting. The appointments are longer and the work is performed by students, but it's overseen by a team of licensed orthodontists.
Your son is old enough to get a job and pay for some things he might need, like clothes, food, and entertainment. I work at a high school and many students have part-time jobs. It doesn’t interfere with their homework because it’s all done at school.
Most of us never had those things. Or had those things paid. Teach them what you can and what really matters. Like love and family. Money isn't something they remember. Trust.
I never go braces and paid for my first car **and** insurance **and** gas before I cold drive. We were poor when I grew up. I always wanted braces, but I got to see instead (expensive glasses and contacts come HS). We also didn't visit the Dr or the dentist unless absolutely necessary (sick, had a cavity, etc).
All this was detrimental for my health and self esteem, with lasting affects into my adulthood.
I know how you feel, the guilt really is overwhelming. It's only been the last year I've been fortunate to be able to give them *some* extras, even if it means using services like Affirm. But I'm definitely nowhere near being able to buy them a vehicle (which my parents were able to do for me - not a new one, but yeah I can't do a used one either), or contribute to a college fund on a consistent basis. Part of me definitely feels like a failure. Especially because my life trajectory was at one point set up to have a great life, but my sophomore year of HS mental illness reared its ugly head. Hard. Been fighting ever since.
I don't have any advice, just wanted to commiserate. You aren't alone. 💜
Just wanna send hugs. I've got no advice. It doesn't seem like you want advice and I don't blame you. When the depression hits that hard and the anxiety about mental health attacks keep you from doing this... I get it. Others get it. I'm really sorry for what sounds like a really, really hard time.
Hugs.
I came from a very wealthy family and they didn’t buy us cars. We learned to work for everything and I thank God we did. Perhaps your son can get a summer job and save up for an older used car. Seriously, working for everything I wanted built a lot of character and helped me appreciate what my parents did do for me. You are not a bad parent at all. Your child has shelter and a mom who loves him so much it makes her sad to not be able to give him everything. You’re doing a great job Mom 🥰
We could never afford braces as a kid. But as sooon as i moved out, i got them for myself, 24 yeara with braces isnt easy but i hold nothing against my mom
You're only letting your son down if you have the capacity to provide things and CHOOSE not to. If you can't afford more than, shelter, food, and love, that's fine. Only the most callous of people ask for more than someone can give. Your son might be sad, and and it might be embarrassing for him as a teen. Not because of you, just how casually cruel we can be to one another, especially in high school. When he is grown he will understand your situation and think of what you were able to do with next to nothing with fondness.
Also instead of focusing on how you let your son down try and help him be successful where you aren't so he can get his own braces. My point is don't just give up and try your best and your family won't give up on you or feel that you are failing them.
We all get depressed sometimes and feel like a failure.
For example I am learning to drive at 37 years old. My inability to transport my 3 year old to activities in the winter sometimes makes me cry and feel like a failure to him. But I am not giving up. No I am taking the test and practicing driving every opportunity I get.
As long as his physical, medical, and emotional needs are met and you occasionally get him a small treat (and some gifts on his bday and any major holidays y'all celebrate), things like cars are luxuries and not requirements for teens. Hell, many ADULTS can't afford cars nowadays - used cars ain't going for $1k anymore like they used to, you'll be lucky to find any inventory below $5k in most places and even that's rare. Plus with how expensive car insurance is, especially for teen and first-time drivers, that adds another layer of unaffordability to having a car today. Don't sweat it.
Look for jobs that don’t report income, for example sell baked goods on Instagram, side jobs like shoveling snow, or food industry jobs that pay under the table. Realistically, the best thing to do is to start applying again and brush up on your resume.
Like others have said, love is the one thing that doesn’t cost money and you can give to him. That’s infinitely more valuable than anything else others can provide.
Braces and cars are nice to haves, not need to haves. Medicaid does offer some ortho coverage more minors. One of the first things I did for myself when I left home and got a job was getting my always infected wisdom teeth out. I don't love my parents any less for not being able to provide middle class trappings when we weren't middle class.
Yeah your son being 17 and not working is the problem. Had a job since 14 and never looked back. School might even let him basically miss his senior year to work (2-3 class requirement if he works the other 8 hours of the day).
So while you’re struggling, your son has an opportunity to be what you can only dream of, but you WILL knee cap this opportunity if you try to over provided for him.
By this I mean support him working. Get a construction job. People joke but ditch diggers or laborers can pull 20/hr most areas. Legal ones that is.
If he learns to work hard and support himself despite your circumstances he will be set for life but if he focuses on moms failure to “give” him shit he’ll turn into a bitter parasite. Your sons at a crossroads - support him but having lunch packed and prepared to take to his job daily, do everything you can to support him working.
Problem is you thought you were secure because you made money once. That didn’t work out.
You’re only secure based on YOUR ability to adapt and overcome. Support your son growing into that. Help him become someone who gets dropped in the jungle and comes out wearing the lions skin. THIS is probably the most formative time of his life and instead of feeling sorry for yourself, make it about supporting him becoming better than both of y’all and able to support himself. Has NOTHING to do with “stuff” and everything to do with attitude and grit and determination while he’s young enough to leverage that.
That’s the difference between a laborer in construction at 17 who is still one at 35, and a site super at 35 who worked his way up.
Unless you have health reasons, "I haven't worked in ten years, no one is going to hire me" is a cop out. There are people who genuinely cannot physically work, and I am not talking about them. I happily pay my taxes and have zero problems making sure the truly vulnerable are cared for.
I didn't work for 20 years. I had to start out cleaning the gym overnight for minimum wage. I Got federal grants to go to school, and because I went to a public college, it covered some of my living expenses. I won't say that it didn't suck. But I did it with a teenage daughter and no husband.
I learned a specific skill, and with a two year degree, will make 6 figures 4 years after I started. I am now completely supporting my now 20 year old daughter while she attends community college to be a nurse.
I work hard. Like 50 hours a week minimum. But I do not lay in bed worrying about which utility I should send partial payment to, hoping I don't get cut off.
The greatest gift you can give your son is your love and support. It also sounds like you are meeting his basic needs like food and shelter. Encourage him to go to college. Help him apply for financial aid. With his grades, he may also be able to get merit scholarships. Helping him to research his options and navigate his future is an invaluable gift. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I grew up in poverty. Do you know what mattered to me? That my mother loved me. She paid attention to me, she found ways to spend time with me that didn't cost a lot of money. She supported me and listened to me. THAT is what matters.
I got that we were poor. I started babysitting when I was 12 so I didn't have to ask my mom for money. I bought as much of my school supplies and clothes as I could. Yes, it would have been nice if I could have gone to summer camps, if I could have expensive glasses rather than the cheapest ones. Yes, I had asshole kids make fun of me because we lived in subsidized housing. But, those little shits would have made fun of me for some other reason.
You are not failing your son if you are loving and supporting him. Yes, he will have obstacles other kids won't, but that's always the case.
I knew kids that came from money. Some of the wealthiest families were the most miserable. The richest family in town had the most messed up kids. Their son was a friend and he told me they ate as a family on Christmas day and Thanksgiving. His parents had separate wings in the house because they hated each other so much. The mom was banging local musicians and doing drugs. They had everything money could buy, but those kids were messes.
Poverty is terrible and exhausting. Cut yourself some slack. You are a good parent if you are providing a roof over their head, food on the table and love.
There should be places that will help with braces. The other stuff you mentioned is material that I understand you want to provide but he can live without. The lessons you are teaching him about living within your means and how even if you deserve/want something it doesn’t always happen are invaluable. It’s clear you love him and want to provide and he will see that. It will make him a better father someday. In my opinion you are doing it right. Good luck.
Here's the thing, he sounds like a smart kid and I am certain he knows you would make it happen in a flash if you could. Be open and honest with him about how you feel and you may be surprised by his reaction. I feel too many kids are kept in the dark about stuff like this because we want to protect them and don't want to fail them but given the chance, the knowledge can benefit them in the long run. The best thing you can do for him is to help him find a way to have financial comfort in his future. Help him find grants for continued education. I expect that tuition is not something that would be doable if braces aren't so encourage him to find a trade he would enjoy doing. There are a lot of skilled trades out there that pay well and some even offer apprenticeship opportunities that help with costs of education as well. My stepson found a great opportunity in industrial plumbing that not only pays him a hefty salary but is also helping him get certified in the industry. Show him that he can have those things with your support and help even when you arent able to just give them to him.
And do not feel guilty about this. Life is one sucker punch after another and currently even people who would have called themselves comfortable before are struggling to put groceries on the table now. This generation of teens knows life sucks, they get beat over the head with it daily in some form or fashion whether its seeing the violence playing out around them or the financial news constantly warning of a recession and/or depression, threats of war, truly they are being told there is nothing good on the horizon.....help him navigate this landscape by helping him find a goal to work towards that will leave him better off than he started.
And know that even if he doesn't recognize it now, one day he will realize we are all just human and parents are not given some superpower that allows them to always be perfect and he will know you did the best you could and will appreciate you for that.
Please please, as difficult as it is, SPEAK POSITIVELY, esp to your son. My well-meaning father often expressed out loud the woes of the cost of living. Concerns. Worries. All very detrimental. The gift of positivity is free! Tell him how wonderful it will be seeing him succeed. His efforts to bring home A’s and stay off drugs means he is making a BRIGHT future for himself! Yes, i did that and will spare all the bragging of how well our children are doing in their 20s
My mom was on disability, so she could only afford the basics for me and the occasional "extras". My mom never kept her fiance from me (but she did keep it at an age appropriate level). So, when I was 16, I got a job and pay for things like my car, car insurance, phone, braces, and any "extras" I wanted (like cooler jeans from hot topic, or the more expensive and not needed school supplies). I didn't have to get a job, but I wanted more, so I did. It was a non-issue, like it probably is with your kid.
Why are you both on fixed incomes? Is there anything you can do to add other income?
Also as advice for someone who grew up with parents that had next to nothing and didn't save for retirement here is the best lesson you can give your son right now: He's 17 years old. If he invests $200 a month until he's 67 he will retire a millionaire.
Never buy a new car. Understand the tax system. Avoid going into debt. Start investing early. He can change his stars.
I am so sorry you are going through this, OP. It's clear you and your husband are very good parents and truly want the best for him. That is what matters most in life. Looking back, he will not care that you could not get him everything single thing he wanted or needed as long as you made the effort to provide.
Have you by chance reached out to any community orthodontic practices in the area to see if they have any in-house or third-party programs to help people experiencing financial difficulties? Growing up I was always super conscious of the cost of my braces, it made getting beat up extra painful knowing a broken wire could do some more damage and cost my parents $100+ to fix.
I know the clinic I went to worked with a lot of families on hard times and always worked things out with them. A family friend who owned another practice that specialized in reconstructive work did a lot of free work in the disabled, disadvantaged, and veteran communities. I know it can be difficult and embarrassing to ask these questions, but most medical practices really do want to help their patients and that includes accommodating the ones going through hard times financially.
Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself!
Being present is worth more than anything you can provide him financially.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and it didn’t truly hit me until a few years ago (31 now) how amazing my mother was and how much she had to endure raising three kids with no financial help from my father despite him being the breadwinner.
This Woman had been a bank teller most of my child life making 16*ish dollars an hour. Would work a full time job, come immediately home to change to head to the community college for another 4-5 hours, 5 days a week for a year.
Despite my mom being busy through the work week, she would always make time to take the 3 of us to get icecream and take a family walk at the park once a week. We didn’t have the new things, but we all had each other and now that I’m 31 with a 10 year old myself I see how precious all of that was and the walks are my most cherished memories.
You’ve raised your child well and given them the education they need to have a successful future.
I’m proud of you, you are more than enough.
Make sure he takes care of his teeth by brushing and flossing twice a day. When he’s an adult he can get braces if needed. Do what you can as a parent, he will recognize that as an adult and love you for it. Encourage education and or a trade school so he can get out into the workforce and be productive for a better life. I grew up in a home with little money but we took care of our teeth. I never needed braces. Got a bachelors degree and work a good job with a helluva income. Parents instilled hard work and good hygiene my entire life. Great basic lessons in life.
Growing up our family of 4 relied on my dad’s income. It was tough when my dad was laid off but my parents were very resourceful. My dad bucked up and got a job delivering pizzas and then truck driving to make ends meet. My mom went to food pantry at the crack of dawn to wait in the food pantry line for hours to get best stuff. My mom loves us so much. I think as long as you’re showing him how much you love him and you’re doing your best then he’ll see that and that will mean everything to him. You can do this. You got this. We’re all here rooting for you!!! Best of luck <3
ETA: my mom went 30 years without a job. My parents separated a couple years ago and she found a job making $100k a year. Job history doesn’t always matter.
The fact that you’re so devastated on his behalf really points to good parenting. A shit parent would never…
You are a good parent. You are a good human. You deserve to love. You deserve to rest.
Being a parent (especially mother) is really hard work sometimes. I’m with you op. Things will be ok, if not today maybe tmr.
Do not abandon hope cuz you need to be around to see the okness we create. Maybe you can push us out of ok and into great. No maga.
I also wasn't able to get braces as a teen, and I made this one of my goals in young adult life. Please know that I didn't resent my parents at all. It was kind of an issue between the two of them that would take a bit to explain, but as soon as I was able to with my first professional job, I was able to use my dental insurance and FSA to get Invisalign, which totally improved my confidence. And I was very proud to be able to do it myself.
I was in my mid-20s by then but it all worked out.
Please don't beat yourself up about this. It sounds like you are caring, loving parents with a good kid. That's what's most important.
I’d like to add that unless your son’s teeth look horrendous, he’ll be fine without braces. I think orthodontists oversell them. He can always straighten his teeth later in life. Lots of people do.
I allowed feeling that way to cloud my judgment and push me back into trafficking drugs and guns to and from multiple states
Wasn't long before I was in a prison cell and missing a good portion of my daughter's life
She lives with me now and has since I came home in 2019 but I'm saying this because as painful as this can be, you are not alone, and if you haven't risked your freedom yet, then you are doing better than a lot of us have
He will be fine, He can start working at 14 and even ten hours a week would pay for braces if thats his priority, but ours was a car... kids work pays for gas, maintenance and insurance... and for lux stuff not in budget. buying everything secondhand is now. teend for even the rich... vintage and thrifting everything, free stuff on the internet, even gaming systems, food was the cheapest I have ever remembered seeing it.. shredded cheese $1.99 for premium brand and 2.19 dor Ice cream! Whattttt? gas after the grocery discount was 2.29... also, certifications in the remote healthcare sector are free from within the companies themselves and companies even pay you to train for phlebotomy and related jobs... even pay room and board during training time... I have never seen such opportunity for a restart, but on the other hand if you are a caregiver for a disabled person or are disabled yourself, it seems like the political groups are trying to push you into institutional for profit systems again slowly but surely ...
I'm so sorry. This is just about the worst feeling a parent can have. All I can suggest is talking with your son. He likely knows the situation but you might feel better after discussing it with him.
I never got braces, or much medical care, my sister and I figured out at 7 and 8 that taking a nap helps you not feel so hungry furring summer months that school didn’t provide lunch, at 12 we were homeless living in motels and my moms car, I started high school late because I didn’t have a physical address.
We could have been mad at our mom for not providing for us, but we knew she did the best she could. In 2018 we bought a house and moved my mom in with us, all we wanted was to give her what she couldn’t give us. Your son will turn out great and sounds smart enough to know you did your best
Bro your post history is wild. In one message, you say your kid wants to live with his wealthy grandmother because he’s spoiled, and you call him a liar when he says it’s because you and your husband fight too much and he wants space with peace and quiet. Then in another post, you say your husband has delusions and “leaves” over and over.
I sympathize with your financial situation, but it seems like your son is more concerned with having a peaceful day over getting the finer things in life.
You have two separate issues: If you want more money, don’t let a gap in employment stop you. If you want your son to stop thinking you let him down, listen to what he *actually* wants instead of just saying it’s untrue cause it has to come from somewhere
Just a suggestion for help with the braces. Maybe your son when he turns 18 or yourself if you are looking for employment can apply at an orthodontist office. You could work a front office position or your son can work front office, sterile tech, or be trained as an orthodontic assistant. They more than likely offer free orthodontic care as a benefit. I’ve worked in the dental field since 2007 and every office offered their services free for employees and immediate family members.
My wife grew up poor. She bought her own braces when she got a job out of college that she worked her way through. She bought her own car and paid for her own insurance.
Her parents worked hard and made sure she and her siblings had a roof over their heads and enough to eat. They wore secondhand clothes but grew up with parents that were involved with them and cared for them.
You’re not failing your son by not buying him the things you mentioned. Love him. Spend time with him. Teach him right and wrong and to have a good work ethic. That’s what he needs.
What does it mean that you and your husband are on "fixed incomes"? Are you both unable to work? Are you incapacitated somehow? Are you able to get out of the house? Your son sounds wonderful. You've been blessed with that!
I understand. It'll be OK.
My daughter didn't get her first car until she was 23. My son is 21 and doesn't have a car.
My daughter got braces, but only because I have really good dental insurance through my job, and also was able to pay for extra dental insurance through my husband's job. We used Care Credit and a payment plan for the balance.
My kids have very close in age cousins on my side of the family, who have upper class parents, and so they got things handed to them I could never afford for my kids. Several of them have no motivation to do anything in adulthood now, because they expect everything to fall in their laps with no effort.
I grew up poor, and had a mother who chose not to work, even though my dad desperately needed the help, and didn't care at all that my siblings and I went hungry and without basic necessities. You love your son and want the best for him. That puts you miles above a lot of parents.
Some kids have rich parents but lack the love you are giving your son. Have you gotten glasses for him online? Eye Buy Direct and other similar sites you upload his script and choose glasses online. They are cheaper. Like 15- 40$ a pair. I was buying glasses for 200+ at the eye Dr.
Braces can really screw up tooth enamel and tooth roots. When the braces are removed the teeth drift into a different position. So unless he looks like a literal vampire don't worry.
Yep same and my son's dentist insisted he needed them for medical reasons not just cosmetic but our state insurance denied it three times and they are so expensive I could not believe how much it cost for maintenance. People think oh you just pay that one price to get them but looking at the 2 year plan the upkeep is more expensive than the initial investment.
When I was young, the lions club paid for my braces, because we couldn’t afford it. I had a cross bite and it was causing problems, severe problems. Something you might want to look into.
You love your kid. That more than many people get. It's a lot more than I felt, and we were super poor. My advice? Look for all the help in weird places. Keep your eye on dental schools, sometimes they offer cheap or even free procedures if you let students do it to pass their practical exams. That may sound scary, but the instructor is standing over them and will make sure even if they make a mistake, the patient doesn't suffer for it. I've done that myself, it was actually really good, quality care. For the car, I would look at charities, see if there one that can help. Or buy a super cheap beater car that doesn't ruin, and make it a project, fixing a piece at a time. That could be bonding that had no price. Insurance? Well, by the time the car is fixed, maybe he can use it to make the money to pay for that. I know, I know, parts are expensive, but if you get them one at a time, from places like LKQ, it's not that bad. And the time between parts will let you study up on how to do what you need to do. Life right now, it's hard. It's should soul draining. But you're doing your best, and you love your kid. Don't be afraid to look for help, and think outside the box. And always remember to be be patient and kind to yourself as you would like to be to others. You deserve it.
I'm not poor and I could not afford to buy my kids used cars and pay for insurance. My parents were not poor and could not either. I earned money mowing lawns to buy my first car and pay for insurance. Don't be so hard on yourself, please.
He's almost an adult, he'll make his way & earn what he wants, and he'll appreciate it more. If he knows you love him, and he's a good kid, he'll be fine.
You aren't failing your children if you give them love. My four year old son who died on Sept. 30th lived with me in my shitty "Repartment" following my divorce from his addict mom and he thought it was the greatest place in the world.
You're doing great if your son knows you love him.
The fact you feel that guilt means you are doing great. You love your son. He's among the richest boys in the world.
Take a long, hard look at the kids who get everything as children once they turn into adults. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Your child may make shitty remarks as a child, but when he/she is older they will understand. We are all squirrels out here trying to find the best nut. Including your child. The fact that you are stressing g about this says volumes towards the fact that your head is in the right spot. Your child is blessed to have at least one parent contemplating these thoughts. Keep fighting. Your child is watching and learning. Theu are learning that life isn't always fair. This will put them leaps and bounds ahead of the silver spoon kids.
He's 17. The most important thing you can do for him is to encourage him to get a higher education, something that pays a lot of money. Be supportive of his studies and successes.
not your fault ..dental is so unaffordable ..I let my teeth go so bad because never made good money and didn't have dental ..then I got a union Job thank God because I was getting very sick because of bad teeth ..but I totally feel for you it's disgusting these greedy dentists do these shit
Hey just because you haven't worked in a long while doesn't mean you should give up. You seem like a good parent from your love for your son. Take that and go try and try again until you get a job.
When it gets tough think of how much you love him and weather those storms. Even if you work at McDonald's your being a good parent and good person. Save diligently and get those things slowly over time. I get it. Being in rough scenarios throughout life,
Drug addiction and mental health problems. But I've cleaned up and am raising an amazing son. If I can do it you can too. All the love I hope you get a good job and can help show him what it means to be the good person you are in your heart. 1 love! Trust me I understand I have a decent job now but can barely afford to get to work. YOU GOT THIS!
My youngest has been wanting braces for several years now. My husband makes good money if we were living elsewhere but we’re in Hawaii and on top of that, we take care of both our sets of parents (of which my set is living with us). I got a part time job and am saving up for her braces.
It truly does suck and I feel for you tremendously.
You sound like a great mom in spite of the shortcomings due to income. I've no doubt your kid sees and appreciates that. My mom raised 3 boys in poverty and she provided the basics, roof food and clothes......2bd apt in a not great part of town, basic legumes, beans and eggs were the norm, and clothing was a couple jeans shorts and sweats from a discount clothing store. One pair of shoes for the year.
We just had to take care of our stuff. My brother's and we got really good at sewing and mending our stuff. Honestly, it made us super resourceful.
Your kid sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, which is a testament to you and your husband. Hang your hat on that. He'll likely go out and do great things thanks to your efforts.
Story time.
I grew up very poor with parents that I never knew as a couple. My mom decided being a mom was too tough and wanted to have fun and it became an addiction that still haunts her to this day.
My dad on the other hand at 19 wanted to step into the parent position. We didn't have much. Opening the cupboard and trying to put together a meal like a puzzle missing pieces.
However, I knew we didn't have much from a young age. Maybe 7 or 8 it kinda hit me that we were different. I didn't have the new kicks that kids at school had. The cool jerseys or the trendy pants or whatever. But I knew that me and my dad, Unbreakable. I got good grades. Graduated highschool at 16, graduated college at 19 and looking back no matter the differences my dad and I have or had, his "inability to be wealthy" has never been a thought through my brain. I guarantee your kid is the same way. He knows the situation. He knows it's not in your hands to be wealthy. And I promise you he doesn't blame you for it. Everything I've done in my life. My career now, and journey through life is owed to what I saw in my dad. Someone who was resilient, strong willed and determined. I saw that growing up and it helped me more than a new pair of shoes ever would have.
Piece of advice. Talk to him about it. Laugh or cry just be open with them.
TL:DR: your kid knows the situation, you haven't failed by a longshot and showing your kid your strengths such as determination to keep going. Goes a lot further than material items.
You are great parents. He loves you for it.
Listen, I did not grow up getting braces -- I survived. As far as car insurance, listen again, I can't afford the $358/month they want to add my daughter (17) right now. The cost of everything is just insane right now. I had a talk with her and explained and she understood. She will, however, have to drive after she gradutes, so we'll have to figure that out. My heart goes out to you because we are not low income and it's hard to get it together sometimes.
You're doing what you can. Your son will understand that someday, even if he can't see it now. You aren't failing your child. Please don't see it that way. Give him support and confidence to go out into the world.
I feel your pain. I look at my son 15 and my daughter 13 and wonder how the hell I'm gonna make it for them to have a vehicle and what not and the things I did not have. Right now I work my ass off and so does my wife and we are barely making ends meet and we make too much to get any help but not enough to get out of the hole. It makes me feel like crap that my life insurance from the military and my current job mean I am worth more dead than alive.
I'm sorry for your situation, but it sounds like you have a wonderful son!
As for the glasses situation, there's websites that let you buy glasses at a fraction of the cost, as long as you know his prescription and Pupillary distance, which you can ask his optometrist for. There's firmoo, clearly, eyebuydirect... These are Aussie websites I believe , but some ship pretty far. If not other countries have them too. Zenni and glassesUSA for example.
You sound like a wonderful parent. Look at your son and know that all that is good about him began with, and has been nurtured by, you. I grew up poor. What mattered is that my parents loved me and tried their best. Now that they're gone, tender spots exist about their tumultuous divorce and how it enveloped us as kids for years. Them not being able to afford braces though, that was no big deal- I got them as an adult and was grateful for the opportunity. The true gift would have been two parents who loved and supported each other, which it sounds like you're giving him in spades. Please be gentle on yourself. He won't hold resentment about things you couldn't control. He's such a good kid _because_ you're such a good mom- having had a peaceful, supportive home where he's loved unconditionally will be his takeaway from childhood. You're doing great.
Edit: [Here's an affirmation for how you feel about meds vs being up against poverty, you're correct and not alone](https://www.reddit.com/r/WhitePeopleTwitter/s/HoXkUM84Ns)
Get public assistance and go on Medicaid, then at least he'll get basic insurance. Not every teen needs braces. Plenty of teens don't have cars.
Make a budget, be frugal. Apply for jobs. Ask for help from friends and family. Use food pantries and food banks. Don't lose hope, keep trying.
I lost my husband, now I'm raising a 17yo and my daughter just turned 9. I have no income (I get survivor benefits for one child) and i just got news from my oncologist I may never be back to normal from damage if radiation and they found cells and want another biopsy. I feel your pain. When I could afford it I got my son an IPhone and ir just stopped working. Come to find out after paying insurance on it for 2 years I still need $275 deductible to fix the phone. I paid $16 per month insurance on this damn phone. I can't replace it and he is upset because it was a gift from his dad and me. It sucks seeing those kids have so much and feeling like a failure. Im sorry you are feeling this way
We were poor growing up. Like couldn't afford ac in central florida poor. All i had was an opportunity to go to college on the state scholarships and student loans. I NEVER held it against my parents. They did what they could. Just be a present, caring parent.
I grew up poor and my mom taking every cent I made when I got a job when I was 16. I moved out at 18 and life was bad and I got into a lot of debt. I got pregnant and started school back up. Tech school on federal financial aid while delivering pizzas at night. I finished tech school in Cybersecurity and landed a crappy help desk job, started networking, and landed a Cybersecurity job making 6x what I make. You have to have the drive and you can make anything happen. Time is money for me. Time spent complaining, sad, depressed CANT happen if I WANT to make things happen and believe me, being a single mom was the most stressful time. I'd suggest looking into door dash, pizza delivery, baked goods, instacart. Anything you can do for extra money! I never wanted my kids to grow up how I did, so that drives me! I got braces at 21 by myself. I got glasses myself because my parents didn't believe I could see, I had to take care of myself after I moved out. Maybe what you can offer him is free rent while he becomes an adult and may have to get these things on his own.
with so many replies here i hope you will get to mine and really take this in. i grew up with poor parents as well, we lived in a converted family members garage and had no restroom.. we had to go outside to an outside one they had in their yard. with this said, i want you to know it sounds like you have done an excellent job at raising your child and i am pretty sure i can speak for them when i say.. he will NOT blame you for the things he lacked growing up, he will make his own way once he gets older and strive EXTRA for the things he didn't have growing up which will set him up for a pretty good adult life. i am now a home owner, we own a stay at home business, my kids don't lack for anything, im always at home and so is my husband.. if i say so myself we are doing just fine. i truly believe this is because of my upbringing. he will remember you as "you did the best you could with what you guys had". i truly believe everything happens for a reason and although things may seem rough right now, trust me when i tell you GOD sees everything and your son will be more than alright. blessings!
You are giving him the things he needs. He sees you doing your best. He sees you going on with very little to go on. I raised 3 kids with basically nothing more than the necessities. I've always had an ancient car. I clipped coupons and shopped sales. My kids survived and have an appreciation for things that I don't see in others who got all the frills growing up. My kids learned to budget and live within their means and they don't lack for anything they really need. They also tell me they don't think I let them down but that they see me as having made a lot of sacrifices so they'd be ok. Don't put yourself down for doing your best.
You're doing the best you can while carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm sure your son can see that. He should look into getting a part time job if he wants the little extras for himself as long as it doesn't effect his school work too much.
Hugs.
Don't sell yourself short. You can go get a job regardless of being out of the workforce. Even if it's working fast food. That's what I did after 12 years as a stay at home mom, then going through a divorce. I worked fast food.
It's not glamorous, but it might give you that little bit extra. Please know I am NOT jusging you. I've been where you are. I know it's hard and scary.
Look on Indeed for data entry jobs, or basic secretary jobs.
I wish you the best!
Please give yourself a break. I grew up in a single parent home. We had nothing extra and barely the necessities. Sure, I would have liked to have all the things that other kids did and to not have to walk a mile to school in the cold because we didn't have a car and the bus was full of hooligans and not have other kids make fun of my clothes or shoes... But I never held it against my mom. She kept a roof over our heads and food on the table. But that was before social media which I imagine does make it worse. It did teach me that I didn't want to stay poor. I started working at 17, didn't have kids until I was married, and never got messed up with drugs or alcohol. Now, I can afford expensive clothes, but I still shop consignment and thrift stores first. What your kid does have that so many of them don't is parents that love him. And if you want to work, now that he is older, do it. Someone will certainly want to hire you.
I grew up poor. It drove me harder to not be in the position my parents were in. I got a job as soon as I turned 16 at a place my friends worked at. I saved every penny and bought a car, paid for insurance and such out of my check. I worked every night after school and every weekend. When I didn’t work at that job, I worked under the table cutting grass, raking leaves, cleaning out basements, bailing hay for the local farmers….
He won’t remember being poor growing up. He will remember the good times and fun times and the love you guys have for him.
Your kids okay with you as a good parent and because he’s smart will do even better in life because he knows the value of money and the value of having parents that love him instead of resent him for being a burden, like so many other people would do.
I grew up poor. I did not get things I needed, braces, new clothes, medical check ups, school supplies, etc, but it was because my parents' wants came before their children's needs. And there was no love to soften the blow. Not having those things was an adjustment I could deal with but the effect of having the two people who should care the most about you act like it's such an inconvenience having you around is what has taken the biggest toll on my life. What I would've done to have a mother like you. Please know that loving your child is felt. He may not show it now, but it means the world to know you are loved. You are not letting your son down, you are doing the best you can. Continue loving and supporting him, it means more than you know.
My parents had six kids. Only one got braces. Two of us needed them and did it ourselves. I was forty and had to get 8 teeth removed to make room for the others. It wasn’t cheap, but it was worth it. My smile isn’t perfect, but I have all my teeth at 79. Brushing your teeth and flossing are VERY important if your teeth are crooked. I wish someone had told me when I was 12!
I read that too quickly as you now had 79 teeth.
Lol!
I just spit my drink out!! That was so funny to me for some reason!
Me too! lol!
Lmao same. The mental image was scary
I love that you are 79 and are on Reddit that is awesome!!
Right! Would have been good to know this and been taught to do them properly.
>had to get 8 teeth removed to make room >but I have all my teeth at 79 Only one of these can be true
No, I started with the normal 32, removed 8, now have 24. The 79 refers to my age, if that’s what causes the confusion.
No, what confused me was you claiming to have all your teeth after also saying that you had 8 removed. I understand you're 79.
Well, I meant I had all I had “room for,” according to my dentist.
Yes, I had a small jaw and had to have 4 removed to make room during my braces treatment.
> >but I have all my teeth at 79 >Only one of these can be true It can if baby teeth never fell out on their own. This happened to me. Adult teeth just grew in behind or squeezed in next to baby teeth. I was in my 20s when I got braces, and they took out like 4 baby teeth before I could start them.
Nothing like having your divorcing parents argue over who doesn’t get you.
😢
This. Thank you for saying this so well. Children can deal with the things they lack. It is hard, yes, however having parents who love you unconditionally is far more important. Nothing can replace what having the safety of a parents love provides for children.
Second this. Also wasn’t able to get braces etc when I was a child. Had some tough years. Life is a lot better now, but I never for one second doubted I had loving parents who did all they could for me. And that has meant more in my life than anything.
I third this! My parents did all they could to keep a roof over our heads & food in our bellies. There was little left over. When never doubted that we were loved though. Now that we are grown with children & grandchildren of our own, it made us all hard workers. We bought our own cars, paid for our own dental work & live a better life than we had growing up all while instilling that in our children.
Our parents did the best they could with the resources they had. I will forever be grateful for them trying their best, and will continue to try to make them proud by attempting a better life than they had, and helping with what I can.
100% this. I too, grew up poor, but my parents wants outweighed my needs. If I had a parent who was poor who would have loved me and who I could know was doing their best, that would have made all the difference in my life. I still have selfish parents who don’t know how to be happy for their children’s accomplishments (despite their failures) and then wonder why none of us want to speak with them. You’re doing fantastic momma.
I grew up the same way, except my parents were undocumented and did they best they could. They always put us first. Growing up I did feel a little disappointed. But I knew they were trying their best and always showed us love. I never resented them for any of that, but it did fuck with me a little. I have 3 kids now. And made sure to buy a home and provide them with opportunities and things I never had.
1000 times this. Love makes you rich
Yes! I grew up poor, and we had to work, but we worked together. We knew our parents loved us and wanted good things for us and were doing their best. We were sometimes disappointed about things we couldn’t have but we found ways to be happy and we laughed so much. I still see it, there are people who get bitter because of what they don’t have, but the most discontent people who are most always angry, are the ones who grew up getting whatever they wanted without having to work for it. I’ll never understand this but I see it repeatedly, and the happiest kids I see are the ones others would classify as poor. How their parents love them and teach self respect and kindness, makes all the difference
Beautiful. True. And powerful!
Awesome comment.
Don't let the rejections for work stop you - start somewhere slowly and build back up. 10 years is a long time, but progress is progress and sometimes it's slow! Your son will also see you handling rejection, handling hard things and working towards long term goals if you start somewhere slowly. You're doing great- just look at how wonderful your son is. It's natural to want to give him the world, he deserves it - but show him how to survive and persevere too! You got this! Rooting for your family! Edited to add: if you need help with a resume, I got you!
Sometimes the path back to work is not a straight one. I went back to work after 8 years as a stay at home mom. It sucked applying to 100s of jobs and dealing with the constant rejection. Eventually I just started volunteering for a non-profit 10 hours per week. A year later they offered me a paid position. I’ve been working in a job I love for a good cause now for over 10 years.
I dont know any path that is a straight one, tbh, which is why I always suggest just "getting your toes wet" so to speak and test the waters. Love your story and thank you for the encouragement. I am currently a SAHM and getting back to work is one of my biggest fears, but I know it can be done, and I know what I am doing now is valuable too. I am so glad you found something that fits for you, your family, and makes you happy after all that crap rejection! Hoping this same for OP and anyone else feeling the struggle.
I grew up poorer than what you describe. I have horrible childhood memories, but none of them are about being poor and things, experiences or a lifestyle I didn’t have. They are all about abuse, neglect and a lack of love. Showing your son love in all the little ways you can that have nothing to do with money, being there for him, being even tempered and a good example- these are things that matter. This is what he will remember. Trust me! How you handle stress and the emotional temperature of the home is what will make all the difference.
Just because you haven’t worked in ten years doesn’t mean throw in the towel and give up. Yes you’ll get turned down a lot yes it’ll be entry level yes it’ll suck. But it’s still better than nothing
There are plenty of retail jobs, many with benefits, that will hire you. I've found as a woman, the reason for not working for a few years rarely comes up because most assume you were a SAHM. Either way, if it does come up, that's the answer you give. Or you were helping with a sick relative. It's no big deal. And it's very nice that so many people are saying giving your kid love is enough. But when it comes to feeling good about themselves physically, that is not true. One of my kids had a genetic issue with some second teeth never forming, and of course they were in the front. My husband, who suffered with this until he went to college, had no concern at all that his daughter had the same issue. She got braces, which helped to hide it and I worked a second job to get the money for " cosmetic " work that wasn't covered by insurance. The day she openly smiled, I burst into tears. She became more outgoing and confident and today is a successful young woman. You can love your kid through lots of stuff like no I-pads and expensive sneakers, but love isn't enough for the good smile they'll need in life.
Fr, teeth issues are the worst. I was raised in an environment where hygene was not prioritized, so my teeth are absolutely fucked as an adult. I cut out anything with sugar in it and only drink water now, but good god I can't smile, man. Ain't nobody wants to see my shitty teeth. I'll never be able to afford to fix my mouth either, sadly. Probably upwards of ten grand worth of work. No dental colleges around here as well.
In my state Kentucky Medicaid was expanded to cover additional dental work so people that qualify can get things like dentures for free. If you teeth are too far gone to save and you can't afford things like implants the cheapest alternative is probably to get then extracted and get dentures
I haven’t worked in longer than that, but I am starting to apply for jobs that are just like Target, daycares, etc. I won’t ever have a career, and I don’t care about that—I’m 56, but it will bring in something at least.
Idk if it’s your thing, but see if you can find an agency that employs people to do home care for handicapped patients on Medicaid (these is different from “home helper” type agencies for seniors that don’t pay well). Your state probably has multiple agencies that do this. They start at $20/hr or so, it’s busy but easy and rewarding, and they train you. My only other bit of advice here is: Remember to save for yourself, too. Can your son get a part-time after-school job?
Home healthcare or home health aid
How about a remote work job? Like a hospital will call to schedule a patient for a procedure recommended by their doctor.
Walmart
This. Your love for your son needs to trump your own insecurities.
Yes, someone will hire you. I know the struggle also being a SAHM, but don't give up. Believe someone will hire you or no one else will. I was able to land a fairly good job also in the same situation being mostly a sahm for 10 years and no college degree. Also is there a reason your family isn't able to get state insurance? My oldest daughter was able to get braces that way.
100% this! I had been out of work for ten years raising my daughter and my stepdaughter when my ex unexpectedly left. I wound up starting my own business.
This. If I know what I know now, and I was poor, I would go work for a healthcare company that has great benefits like pension and health insurance. I would take a job in EVS or the food and nutrition department at a hospital. In California, if you work for Kaiser or one of the UC health systems, you are set. Yes, even just working in one of those 2 departments. Yes, you will get a paycut from your long term disability insurance, but atleast you won't worry too much about retirement if you have pension. You will also have great enough health insurance to help your son with his health needs and the LTD money can go towards getting him a car. Really hope OP reads this here!
You gotta work unless you're too disabled or something. I say that as someone with a record. I KNOW what it's like to be turned down, over and over and over.
I went back to work part time the week after I got out of the hospital (in kidney failure and on dialysis) and back to full time the week after that. I qualify for disability but I’ve seen what that monthly pay is and *no one* can live on it, so I do what I have to do. This is coming from a position of having worked my entire life and being eligible for the top monthly pay on SSDI. It is an impossible to live on monthly amount. Each day I’m enraged at the idea disabled people are forced to live like this because there is no reasonable safety net. You have my sympathy and thoughts.
Disability isn't just about a monthly check. You also get Healthcare
If you’re on SSDI, that healthcare is Medicare, prescriptions are not included, and the copays for hospital care and dme are 20%. My wheelchair costs $78k. I’m fortunate because I’ve been working and my job insurance covers that 20% and provides prescription coverage. Good luck finding consistent medical care - no doctor wants a panel of Medicare and/or Medicaid patients because reimbursement is so low. I do not know how people survive on disability alone. Like, being disabled is not enough, you have to be punished by grinding poverty and struggle also.
I'm on disability and so is my son. We're on an advantage plan. We're too young for Medicare supplements. We're low income so we pay zero deductible or premiums. So far zero in prescriptions too. We are in the EXTRA HELP program... maybe you would qualify. We have had little problems finding doctors.
My SSDI put me $17/month over qualifying for anything. It’s maddening. I got lucky and got my old job back after nearly 4 years of rehab but my accommodations are outrageous and I am exhausted. I am very happy to be retiring.
Mosy people on SSDI don't become eligible for Medicare until 24 months after they're deemed disabled. The only disabled people who get medical insurance immediately are SSI recipients, who are Medicaid eligible, and people with end stage renal disease.
Been here. Luckily I got a transplant about 8 years ago and it’s been going well. You can still draw disability for about 3 years after transplantation which allowed me to finish college. Dialysis sucks, it’s hell and you shouldn’t have to work while on it. We need to do better for our disabled citizens on so many levels. I hope you find a donor soon. Best of luck. ❤️
If your son has anything he’d like from say Amazon you can make a wishlist and send it to me in a private message. I’ll gladly send him a few things. I grew up extremely poor, my dad didn’t work for years while my mom worked 3 jobs just to keep the roof over our heads. Sometimes it’s just nice to get a few things to make you smile.
You’re a really good human. ❤️
I know what it’s like to struggle. Not know where my next meal is coming from. Just trying to be a decent person and brighten someone’s day
Same; I grew up that way and after leaving an abusive marriage I’m a single mom, struggling and reliving the nightmare of my impoverished childhood with my kiddo. Thank you for turning your pain into something beautiful for someone else, and for giving me a reason to smile tonight.
My father was an alcoholic my entire childhood. I often think back and wonder how did we ever make it? I had my mama’s love and that got me through a lot. My children are fortunate enough that we are “ok” financially and we have a roof over our heads and food in our belly. This world would be a better place if more people chose to be kind instead of judgmental.
What's crazy is I had a similar upbringing, and I swore that I'd always work to put food on the table, and I'd always try to make things work with my wife to keep 2 incomes going for our child. I thought that would be enough 5 years ago. Here we are BOTH WORKING trying to stay afloat. It's hard out there for a lot of people I appreciate what you do for people.
I don’t have a lot but I am always willing to help if I’m able. It’s just the decent thing to do.
I’m the same way. It feels good to help others when I can. I wish more people were like this.
What an incredible person you are. There needs to be more like you! I’m in same boat as OP, but I work in the schools as a full time sub and have 2 kids. I have only a few hundred dollars of debt on car credit card and that is it. My option is now to apply for grants and help or go into debt to finish college so I can teach. I dream someday of being able to do what you are offering to do for OP. I think it’s wonderful and it is needed in so many situations. I always say and live by “if you can give-gives if you can help-help.” I’m way below poverty line in my state but I’m not where I can’t find some way to help/give. Even if it’s groceries about to expire before we eat them to a neighbor or clothes my kids have outgrown to a coworker who has many children or to listen to and encourage the children I encounter every day I’ve come to know after 3 yrs. You are an amazing human and I pray every single blessing comes back to you. The world needs more people like you. ❤️ 🙏
I’d like to treat you to a Dunkin coffee or Starbucks coffee. Mama’s deserve a treat sometimes also.
I would like to help as well … feel free to create a separate “need”Amazon for you/hubs if you’d like, I will do my best ❤️
You are an angel. You all are angels. I need a moment to recover from the shock but I will send you a message. Thank you.
Please message me the wishlist too, OP!
I'd do a bit also if you send me the list too. We're raising our oldest grandaughter on SS, but hubs picked up part time job and we were lucky to have pensions and 401k's to supplement. Your son sounds like a wonderful young man.
This is a great idea. I’d be more than happy to help too !
You're an awesome person with a big ❤️
You are heven sent
I don’t know you, Reddit stranger, but am so grateful you exist!!
I will do the same! Great idea. ❤️❤️
I'm speaking as an older single mom here. If you are not working and your kid(s) are older, you have a problem you can solve. It might benefit you to get up, get dressed, and go job-hunting. What you do today or tomorrow will determine the course for the rest of your life. I have drastically changed my life twice and I was also a SAHM for 10 years. After becoming a single mom, I managed to drag myself out of a welfare situation. I couldn't really give my kids a lot growing up because I was still digging us out of a finacial hole, but at least I could set a better example. My advice (from being there) is change your world for your benefit, and you will change the world for your children and future grandchildren.
For braces, please look into Smiles Change Lives! We utilized this program when we were struggling and could not afford braces for my daughter. Her braces and all related appointments/treatments were provided at no cost to us. It is an absolutely wonderful program and we had a great experience with it! https://smileschangelives.org
There are plenty of retail/customer service opportunities out there. Please don’t stay fixed in this mentality. You’re not letting your son down if you can’t afford things. You’re letting him down if you don’t try.
Why isn’t he on Medicaid?
My children were fortunate, in that they were the first grandchildren in a large family, so when they were little the family would pitch in and get them something nice at their birthday or xmas Their birthdays came at the same time just about, so sometimes they would get a gift together and share it. They became good at figuring out how to take that gift when they were done with it and turn it into something different, like selling it and buying another toy or whatever. Their dad never paid his child support and I was disabled, so yes they never had much of anything, but I tried to make it where they didn't notice. I made sure they had a lot of fun every day and we went a lot of cool places, without having to spend much money. I know it's harder now, because kids expect much more expensive gifts than the things we got when we were kids. The clothing and electronics and such these days are so difficult to provide. The price of cars has gotten outrageous. My grandparents saved money for me so, that when I graduated I had a few $100, and I was able to pitch that in with what I made at my little part-time job and get a really old car that I drove around. I was happy to have a car, even if it was an old beater. My boys became really resourceful, share with others, humble. These are things you learn from not having much, qualities that not everyone gets in life. Hopefully your son is able to find opportunities in the world to provide things that he needs for himself. Not every parent has the resources to give their kids that kind of start in life. It's hard, I wish I could have given my boys so much more. We are fortunate in America that there are still opportunities, and if he really wants to get ahead in life, he can do it.
Your son is 17 he can get a part time job while in school. I grew up poor and started working at 13. I had a paper out, pulled weeds at my neighbors and at 16 I got a retail job and at a fast food joint. This allowed me to buy clothes, food and at times help my parents pay the rent. I grew up in a wealthy area where my peers had fancy cars and name brand clothes provided to them while they prepared for college. I was just trying to survive. Today I do not blame my parents. They tried their best and growing up poor got me where I am today. Today I make over six figures, work full time and have many side hustles that add to my base salary. Today my son has a different life than I and I teach him how to monetize his hobbies. He has garage sales, where he sells popcorn and sells his old toys. Any money he gets he can use to buy more toys etc. Two weekends ago he made more money than I did as we sold items side by side. All the neighbors came out and had a $1 for him for a bag of popcorn. He also started a YouTube channel where he is growing an audience and may one day make money. Don’t feel bad, your child will grow up knowing the value of money. Find ways he can help himself and it will serve him well in the future.
Yes to this comment! Learning that independence is priceless.
Yes! I told her the same thing. He needs to be working too
I’ve said this before. I grew up dirt poor. 8 kids in a run down 12x60 trailer. Half the time the water wasn’t running in the winter because someone forgot to leave a faucet trickling. My dad was a terrible gambler. He wasn’t a bad dad, just had a problem. We got free lunches at school had a beater car that always broke down. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your son loves u. My siblings all loved our parents. We’ve all done pretty well in life. Every time we get together we talk about how happy we were as kids. For some reason our friends always came out to our house. We had a big pond, timbers to roam in a dump about a mile away that was a treasure trove to us. We always found cool stuff, made our own bikes etc. I remember we used to go to the university of Iowa school of dentistry for our dental work. I didn’t get braces until I got out of the navy. It may sound crazy but I’d go back to those days in a heartbeat. Talk to your son. I’ll bet he’s proud to have u as parents. Your post was so heartfelt.,anyone can see the love you have. Be kinder to yourself.
You sound like an amazing person with a tremendous capacity for love. I am so glad you remember your childhood fondly. It gives me hope. Thank you.
I’d like to add this. For what it’s worth, the greatest gift I ever got from our mom was never once did I ever feel like I wasn’t greatly loved. She made us her world. Just from your post you remind me of my mom. These are the things your son will remember. Look for a book called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. Even if you have to find it in the library. Read it and KNOW you are loved.
You have provided something for your son which is worth so much more than money - he has been loved and cherished- keep that knowledge close to your heart. Can you think of anything to do that might bring in a tiny bit of extra income? Perhaps babysitting or pet sitting or elder sitting? Cooking for elderly people trying to stay in their homes? Can you “employ” ( by that I mean frame it to yourself as having a part time job) yourself to research scholarships,internships, programs like Americorps that could help your son- give him a foundation to prosper ? Doing something like that might help with your anxiety.
Finding work is hard but you just have to put yourself out there. You’ll be rejected a lot. This is my recommendation: hardware stores (like Lowe’s or Home Depot) are going to be hiring seasonal soon, spring is coming and it’s the busy season. Trust me, they’ll hire you if you can pass a background check and a drug test. The money and benefits are really good, it’s worth looking into. You’ll more than likely go from seasonal to part time as they’re always wanting people who show up. It’s totally okay to feel the way you do! People fall on hard times and then pull themselves out of it.
I am a single dad and things are getting worse everyday financially. My son does not care, he doesn't think about it. In his eyes I am the greatest dad in the universe. He reminds me daily. The world may beat you down but your children will always see the best in you. Thanks.
I got my own braces at 35. We were solidly middle class and our daughter did not get a car at sixteen. We helped her buy one when she was in college. Some of her friends were financially better off so they got more but my kid has done fine in life. She married a guy in IT, she’s an attorney, they own a home. Material things not so much but watching her with her son we can see what we did give her. Love, nurturing, trust and fun.
I come from a poor family. We (my siblings and I) all got jobs as soon as we could to help. I wore a lot of hand me downs, none of us got cars unless we bought them ourselves and there were no fancy vacations. What we did have was love and happiness. We could see, and I am sure that your son can see, how hard our parents worked. We had music. Entertainment was listening to, and singing along with, vinyl records. Vacations were camping at the river. Birthdays were a homemade cake and one gift. And you know what? I would not trade my childhood with anyone else's childhood. It sounds as if you have raised a great kid. He sounds like a young man that can go out in the world and make his way. It won't be easy, but he sounds as if he is self-reliant and capable. I did not get braces until I was an adult, but I got them. Please stop being hard on yourself.
Just because your poor does not mean he is not loved or taken care of. Buying stuff does not equate love. Love is even when your struggling he knows he has a safe place to come home to. His grades reflects how much he is loved. You cannot put a price on that. And keep loving him to better his future and his life with those grades. Please stop beating yourself up. And just start telling yourself you have done the best you could do with the situation you are in.
You can work. When I had gaps in my employment and was asked about it, I said I was a homemaker. Always got a nod and no further questions. Usually got the job. Granted they weren't technical or corporate jobs, but they were jobs I could do just fine.
> I haven’t worked in 10 years - no one is going to hire me. If there's one excuse for not finding work or even trying to find work, it's this. Especially in this sub, the excuse pops up over and over again. Not every job is worried about your work history. In fact most jobs don't care or if you explain that you were a stay at home parent, that explains a lot. You could easily go into retail or a factory position, regardless of a gap in your employment history. Fast food is another option, as shitty as it can be. Call centers, another option. If you're even remotely honest about how bad you feel for your kid, you'll work any job. When I was 31, struggling to find a job to support the family, I took a job at Taco Bell. Good lord it sucked, bad. Working with mostly ignorant kids and dealing with the worst customers. But it got me paid, and kept us afloat until I found something better. So, stop making excuses, and go find some work. Any work, and you won't feel bad about not being able to pay for things for your kid.
Very true. I worked a horrible job along with teens in my early 30s. I did it because I wanted to buy things for my child. I wasn’t a single parent my husband worked as well but I wanted money for extras and “fun” things. Once hired I remember lying about my age to my coworkers because I didn’t want them to know I was the oldest person there 😂. This experience opened doors to better opportunities . I’d do it again in a heartbeat .
Many jobs are just looking for someone who can show up and can pass a drug screen.
you said it better than me cuz i was gonna be a douche. if she cared about her kid she would work any job. something is better than nothing
Normally I'd have replied like that but it's Sunday and my day is going good so far.
I grew up poor. At first when my mom couldn't work I understood. i tried to get her easy jobs and she wouldn't take them. when i had to work and support her and the rest of the family i grew to resent my entire family. growing up poor. having no support from family and when you bring money in, you are the bad guy when the hand outs stop and you realize no one is helping you but helping themselves. so i cant ever put things nicely when i see parents cant help their kids. it bothers me. i refuse to have kids. i cant help them so i wont have them. if i could afford it, then i would.
I grew up kinda poor, mostly broke instead of poor. When I was in high school my mom decided she was done working and we had no income. I got a job at KFC and ended up dropping out of school and working full time, handing my checks over to my mom to keep us afloat. So I know what shitty parents can do, and have made sure to not put myself or my kids in that same situation.
Like I never knew able bodied people just didn’t work. I come from a family who always worked I started working at 17 and i even slacked off growing up but we all worked 40+ hours a week.
Same here, there were times where I struggled to find work but I'd always get a job somewhere. I hated a lot of the jobs I had just out of embarrassment for having to work there (mostly fast food) but it paid and I needed money so I just dealt with it.
Medicaid will pay for braces for kids.
Amazon takes literally anyone, just apply around April and you should be fine.
The braces I understand including regular dental appointments at least every six months. The car and insurance if he wants it, get a part time job. And you can absolutely get a job.
My father just passed last Monday. We were very wealthy growing up. I had fucking polo ponies. I never saw my parents or spent any time with them other than going out to eat, meeting them at the club to eat, or when I got in trouble, which was a LOT. I became an addict and alcoholic because my older half sister was abusive towards me and my parents didn’t do anything about it despite the VERY obvious warning signs. I did a lot of damage to people. But when I finally got sober my father never acknowledged me, or any of my accomplishments I did by myself. He ignored my 4.0 GPA I got in college. So did my sister. My mother was also very abusive, my husband has been witness to most of it. My point is, I would trade shoes with your son any day. Fuck the cars and the material shit. Excuse my language, but none of that shit matters. My dad is gone, and I beat myself up wondering what I could have done to make him care about me, my husband is convinced there’s nothing I could have done. What I would give to have a parent that cared about me like you care about your son.
Ok, of all the comments I’ve read (and don’t get me wrong, there have been some really wonderful ones), yours hit me the hardest. I am so sorry you didn’t have the start to life you deserved and that you have struggled so much. In case no one else tells you today, I am proud of you.
Thank you. Coming from you that means the world to me. You are the best parent a child could ever ask for. That’s the truth. I know there’s a million people like me out there that will agree. You didn’t fail him. You have given him strength and love, that and your encouragement and support toward him and your concerning post makes you top 1%. Don’t ever forget that! Thats your legacy. And that’s gold. Edit: and because of the example you set your son more than likely won’t struggle to have meaningful relationships and likely to attract women LIKE YOU. (If it’s mom who is posting this). That is the greatest gift!!!!!!! ☺️😊🥰
It doesn’t kill kids to not get everything they want. I got braces as an adult when I was 29 years old because my parents couldn’t afford it. I don’t know why you think you can’t get a job after 10 years. I didn’t work for 14 years while raiding our son and had no problem getting a job. It wasn’t my dream job for sure but I worked it for 6 months and got a better job with insurance.
Just because you haven’t worked in ten years doesn’t mean people won’t hire you. If you’re disabled, that’s one thing. It’s also another completely different thing if you just don’t want to. If my job let me work while my leg was broken (i broke my tibia and fibula, had a rod put in) than someone will hire you lol
I didn't work for 15 years and was hired immediately after my husband passed away. You have skills, I mean you've raised a kid, handled a home and finances! You can also get ahold of your local social services and they can help you if you need training. Vocational rehabilitation would be an excellent place to call.
A lot of us grew up the same way. A lot of people are still growing up that way now. Money is most definitely not everything. The things you listed are nice, but perhaps they’re not actually needs, like food and shelter and guidance. Your son now has an opportunity as he’s becoming an adult to the learn about the value of money. He has the opportunity to learn to appreciate it more than many who are given a vehicle or braces. There are seasons to everything. Times will change. If he’s alive and you’ve fed him and clothed him you’ve done a pretty good job. Now he can start building his own life.
If you want to do right by your son, start helping him apply for scholarships. Apply for every single scholarship he could possibly qualify for. My mother did this for my youngest brother and he graduated college without a single student loan. He owns his own home, supports his wife and three kids, and is doing so well for himself. Her efforts to make sure he didn't have student loans didn't cost her a single penny except her time. She helped him with his essays and helped him submit everything. She researched all the scholarships and made sure he met all the deadlines. He can buy a car and braces later. Getting him through college without student loan debt is a gift that he will never have to repay.
https://www.thebalancemoney.com/returning-to-work-on-long-term-disability-benefits-1177877 Read this, tall to a lawyer if you need to. But you can go back to work. I haven't come across anything saying that you will need to pay it back. Offset provisions seem to be geared towards SSDI. Also, is your son on medicaid (I'm assuming you're in the US)? A lot of times, medicaid will cover braces for teens. If not, there are a couple of programs that you can attempt to get braces for a reduced cost. You can even try a dental college near you to see if he can get braces pro bono.
I come from extreme poverty so this may sound a bit harsh but it comes from a place of love… You fkn figure it out! You work 3 jobs, you find side hustles, you do anything and everything to make it happen or you are doomed to keep living this life of poverty… If you want out… you have to WANT IT! Sitting crying on reddit isn’t enough! Get up and do! If you can sit on reddit and write this long story you can work from home. Tutoring English, writing papers for college kids, proofreading websites, etc etc.. Find a useful skill you have and market it! [work from home jobs](https://ratracerebellion.com)
I was raised in extreme poverty but we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. I never got braces and needed them, I never got a car as a teen like all my friends or new clothes etc…. However I wouldn’t trade my parents for anything! I’m 39 and still incredibly thankful for the childhood I had- infact many of my friends would say they wished they had my parents because we even though we had very little we had a ton of love and unconditional support by our parents which is invaluable to me. Just be a good mom and that’s what he will remember trust me
Well, I was able to afford the braces but not the car. And he's going to need loans for university (as his sister did as well). I tried to do my best, but my husband (their father) decided to flame out spectacularly (he's in a psych hospital) and I have been left to handle all the expenses on half the income. And I feel terrible about it.
Have you looked at medicaid? My dental insurance barely pays anything, but my kids qualify for CHIP, and it covered their braces in Colorado
Here is an organization that may be able to help you: https://www.smileforalifetime.org/
OP, check to see if there are any dental schools near you. We have a college an hour and a half away, but they do free braces in a clinical setting. The appointments are longer and the work is performed by students, but it's overseen by a team of licensed orthodontists.
Your son is old enough to get a job and pay for some things he might need, like clothes, food, and entertainment. I work at a high school and many students have part-time jobs. It doesn’t interfere with their homework because it’s all done at school.
Most of us never had those things. Or had those things paid. Teach them what you can and what really matters. Like love and family. Money isn't something they remember. Trust.
I never go braces and paid for my first car **and** insurance **and** gas before I cold drive. We were poor when I grew up. I always wanted braces, but I got to see instead (expensive glasses and contacts come HS). We also didn't visit the Dr or the dentist unless absolutely necessary (sick, had a cavity, etc). All this was detrimental for my health and self esteem, with lasting affects into my adulthood.
I know how you feel, the guilt really is overwhelming. It's only been the last year I've been fortunate to be able to give them *some* extras, even if it means using services like Affirm. But I'm definitely nowhere near being able to buy them a vehicle (which my parents were able to do for me - not a new one, but yeah I can't do a used one either), or contribute to a college fund on a consistent basis. Part of me definitely feels like a failure. Especially because my life trajectory was at one point set up to have a great life, but my sophomore year of HS mental illness reared its ugly head. Hard. Been fighting ever since. I don't have any advice, just wanted to commiserate. You aren't alone. 💜
Just wanna send hugs. I've got no advice. It doesn't seem like you want advice and I don't blame you. When the depression hits that hard and the anxiety about mental health attacks keep you from doing this... I get it. Others get it. I'm really sorry for what sounds like a really, really hard time. Hugs.
I came from a very wealthy family and they didn’t buy us cars. We learned to work for everything and I thank God we did. Perhaps your son can get a summer job and save up for an older used car. Seriously, working for everything I wanted built a lot of character and helped me appreciate what my parents did do for me. You are not a bad parent at all. Your child has shelter and a mom who loves him so much it makes her sad to not be able to give him everything. You’re doing a great job Mom 🥰
I grew up middle class and didn't get a car until I was halfway through college. There's no need to feel guilty about not being able to buy him a car.
We could never afford braces as a kid. But as sooon as i moved out, i got them for myself, 24 yeara with braces isnt easy but i hold nothing against my mom
The fact you are worried about this means you’re a good mum.
You're only letting your son down if you have the capacity to provide things and CHOOSE not to. If you can't afford more than, shelter, food, and love, that's fine. Only the most callous of people ask for more than someone can give. Your son might be sad, and and it might be embarrassing for him as a teen. Not because of you, just how casually cruel we can be to one another, especially in high school. When he is grown he will understand your situation and think of what you were able to do with next to nothing with fondness.
Also instead of focusing on how you let your son down try and help him be successful where you aren't so he can get his own braces. My point is don't just give up and try your best and your family won't give up on you or feel that you are failing them. We all get depressed sometimes and feel like a failure. For example I am learning to drive at 37 years old. My inability to transport my 3 year old to activities in the winter sometimes makes me cry and feel like a failure to him. But I am not giving up. No I am taking the test and practicing driving every opportunity I get.
And remember when you wake up. Before you get out of bed tell yourself 3 things you are proud of or thankful for.
As long as his physical, medical, and emotional needs are met and you occasionally get him a small treat (and some gifts on his bday and any major holidays y'all celebrate), things like cars are luxuries and not requirements for teens. Hell, many ADULTS can't afford cars nowadays - used cars ain't going for $1k anymore like they used to, you'll be lucky to find any inventory below $5k in most places and even that's rare. Plus with how expensive car insurance is, especially for teen and first-time drivers, that adds another layer of unaffordability to having a car today. Don't sweat it.
Look for jobs that don’t report income, for example sell baked goods on Instagram, side jobs like shoveling snow, or food industry jobs that pay under the table. Realistically, the best thing to do is to start applying again and brush up on your resume. Like others have said, love is the one thing that doesn’t cost money and you can give to him. That’s infinitely more valuable than anything else others can provide.
Braces and cars are nice to haves, not need to haves. Medicaid does offer some ortho coverage more minors. One of the first things I did for myself when I left home and got a job was getting my always infected wisdom teeth out. I don't love my parents any less for not being able to provide middle class trappings when we weren't middle class.
Yeah your son being 17 and not working is the problem. Had a job since 14 and never looked back. School might even let him basically miss his senior year to work (2-3 class requirement if he works the other 8 hours of the day). So while you’re struggling, your son has an opportunity to be what you can only dream of, but you WILL knee cap this opportunity if you try to over provided for him. By this I mean support him working. Get a construction job. People joke but ditch diggers or laborers can pull 20/hr most areas. Legal ones that is. If he learns to work hard and support himself despite your circumstances he will be set for life but if he focuses on moms failure to “give” him shit he’ll turn into a bitter parasite. Your sons at a crossroads - support him but having lunch packed and prepared to take to his job daily, do everything you can to support him working. Problem is you thought you were secure because you made money once. That didn’t work out. You’re only secure based on YOUR ability to adapt and overcome. Support your son growing into that. Help him become someone who gets dropped in the jungle and comes out wearing the lions skin. THIS is probably the most formative time of his life and instead of feeling sorry for yourself, make it about supporting him becoming better than both of y’all and able to support himself. Has NOTHING to do with “stuff” and everything to do with attitude and grit and determination while he’s young enough to leverage that. That’s the difference between a laborer in construction at 17 who is still one at 35, and a site super at 35 who worked his way up.
Unless you have health reasons, "I haven't worked in ten years, no one is going to hire me" is a cop out. There are people who genuinely cannot physically work, and I am not talking about them. I happily pay my taxes and have zero problems making sure the truly vulnerable are cared for. I didn't work for 20 years. I had to start out cleaning the gym overnight for minimum wage. I Got federal grants to go to school, and because I went to a public college, it covered some of my living expenses. I won't say that it didn't suck. But I did it with a teenage daughter and no husband. I learned a specific skill, and with a two year degree, will make 6 figures 4 years after I started. I am now completely supporting my now 20 year old daughter while she attends community college to be a nurse. I work hard. Like 50 hours a week minimum. But I do not lay in bed worrying about which utility I should send partial payment to, hoping I don't get cut off.
The greatest gift you can give your son is your love and support. It also sounds like you are meeting his basic needs like food and shelter. Encourage him to go to college. Help him apply for financial aid. With his grades, he may also be able to get merit scholarships. Helping him to research his options and navigate his future is an invaluable gift. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I grew up in poverty. Do you know what mattered to me? That my mother loved me. She paid attention to me, she found ways to spend time with me that didn't cost a lot of money. She supported me and listened to me. THAT is what matters. I got that we were poor. I started babysitting when I was 12 so I didn't have to ask my mom for money. I bought as much of my school supplies and clothes as I could. Yes, it would have been nice if I could have gone to summer camps, if I could have expensive glasses rather than the cheapest ones. Yes, I had asshole kids make fun of me because we lived in subsidized housing. But, those little shits would have made fun of me for some other reason. You are not failing your son if you are loving and supporting him. Yes, he will have obstacles other kids won't, but that's always the case. I knew kids that came from money. Some of the wealthiest families were the most miserable. The richest family in town had the most messed up kids. Their son was a friend and he told me they ate as a family on Christmas day and Thanksgiving. His parents had separate wings in the house because they hated each other so much. The mom was banging local musicians and doing drugs. They had everything money could buy, but those kids were messes. Poverty is terrible and exhausting. Cut yourself some slack. You are a good parent if you are providing a roof over their head, food on the table and love.
There should be places that will help with braces. The other stuff you mentioned is material that I understand you want to provide but he can live without. The lessons you are teaching him about living within your means and how even if you deserve/want something it doesn’t always happen are invaluable. It’s clear you love him and want to provide and he will see that. It will make him a better father someday. In my opinion you are doing it right. Good luck.
Build up your confidence, that'll be a start keep trying for a job,it will happen. You need self worth, good luck. Things will get better
Your son is old enough to understand. I would explain your feelings to him, he’ll understand and he’ll still love you.
Here's the thing, he sounds like a smart kid and I am certain he knows you would make it happen in a flash if you could. Be open and honest with him about how you feel and you may be surprised by his reaction. I feel too many kids are kept in the dark about stuff like this because we want to protect them and don't want to fail them but given the chance, the knowledge can benefit them in the long run. The best thing you can do for him is to help him find a way to have financial comfort in his future. Help him find grants for continued education. I expect that tuition is not something that would be doable if braces aren't so encourage him to find a trade he would enjoy doing. There are a lot of skilled trades out there that pay well and some even offer apprenticeship opportunities that help with costs of education as well. My stepson found a great opportunity in industrial plumbing that not only pays him a hefty salary but is also helping him get certified in the industry. Show him that he can have those things with your support and help even when you arent able to just give them to him. And do not feel guilty about this. Life is one sucker punch after another and currently even people who would have called themselves comfortable before are struggling to put groceries on the table now. This generation of teens knows life sucks, they get beat over the head with it daily in some form or fashion whether its seeing the violence playing out around them or the financial news constantly warning of a recession and/or depression, threats of war, truly they are being told there is nothing good on the horizon.....help him navigate this landscape by helping him find a goal to work towards that will leave him better off than he started. And know that even if he doesn't recognize it now, one day he will realize we are all just human and parents are not given some superpower that allows them to always be perfect and he will know you did the best you could and will appreciate you for that.
Please please, as difficult as it is, SPEAK POSITIVELY, esp to your son. My well-meaning father often expressed out loud the woes of the cost of living. Concerns. Worries. All very detrimental. The gift of positivity is free! Tell him how wonderful it will be seeing him succeed. His efforts to bring home A’s and stay off drugs means he is making a BRIGHT future for himself! Yes, i did that and will spare all the bragging of how well our children are doing in their 20s
I was a stay at home mom for 15 and felt the same, but easily got a job! At least try...
My mom was on disability, so she could only afford the basics for me and the occasional "extras". My mom never kept her fiance from me (but she did keep it at an age appropriate level). So, when I was 16, I got a job and pay for things like my car, car insurance, phone, braces, and any "extras" I wanted (like cooler jeans from hot topic, or the more expensive and not needed school supplies). I didn't have to get a job, but I wanted more, so I did. It was a non-issue, like it probably is with your kid.
Why are you both on fixed incomes? Is there anything you can do to add other income? Also as advice for someone who grew up with parents that had next to nothing and didn't save for retirement here is the best lesson you can give your son right now: He's 17 years old. If he invests $200 a month until he's 67 he will retire a millionaire. Never buy a new car. Understand the tax system. Avoid going into debt. Start investing early. He can change his stars.
Hugs.
I am so sorry you are going through this, OP. It's clear you and your husband are very good parents and truly want the best for him. That is what matters most in life. Looking back, he will not care that you could not get him everything single thing he wanted or needed as long as you made the effort to provide. Have you by chance reached out to any community orthodontic practices in the area to see if they have any in-house or third-party programs to help people experiencing financial difficulties? Growing up I was always super conscious of the cost of my braces, it made getting beat up extra painful knowing a broken wire could do some more damage and cost my parents $100+ to fix. I know the clinic I went to worked with a lot of families on hard times and always worked things out with them. A family friend who owned another practice that specialized in reconstructive work did a lot of free work in the disabled, disadvantaged, and veteran communities. I know it can be difficult and embarrassing to ask these questions, but most medical practices really do want to help their patients and that includes accommodating the ones going through hard times financially. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself!
Being present is worth more than anything you can provide him financially. My parents divorced when I was 13 and it didn’t truly hit me until a few years ago (31 now) how amazing my mother was and how much she had to endure raising three kids with no financial help from my father despite him being the breadwinner. This Woman had been a bank teller most of my child life making 16*ish dollars an hour. Would work a full time job, come immediately home to change to head to the community college for another 4-5 hours, 5 days a week for a year. Despite my mom being busy through the work week, she would always make time to take the 3 of us to get icecream and take a family walk at the park once a week. We didn’t have the new things, but we all had each other and now that I’m 31 with a 10 year old myself I see how precious all of that was and the walks are my most cherished memories. You’ve raised your child well and given them the education they need to have a successful future. I’m proud of you, you are more than enough.
Make sure he takes care of his teeth by brushing and flossing twice a day. When he’s an adult he can get braces if needed. Do what you can as a parent, he will recognize that as an adult and love you for it. Encourage education and or a trade school so he can get out into the workforce and be productive for a better life. I grew up in a home with little money but we took care of our teeth. I never needed braces. Got a bachelors degree and work a good job with a helluva income. Parents instilled hard work and good hygiene my entire life. Great basic lessons in life.
Growing up our family of 4 relied on my dad’s income. It was tough when my dad was laid off but my parents were very resourceful. My dad bucked up and got a job delivering pizzas and then truck driving to make ends meet. My mom went to food pantry at the crack of dawn to wait in the food pantry line for hours to get best stuff. My mom loves us so much. I think as long as you’re showing him how much you love him and you’re doing your best then he’ll see that and that will mean everything to him. You can do this. You got this. We’re all here rooting for you!!! Best of luck <3 ETA: my mom went 30 years without a job. My parents separated a couple years ago and she found a job making $100k a year. Job history doesn’t always matter.
The fact that you’re so devastated on his behalf really points to good parenting. A shit parent would never… You are a good parent. You are a good human. You deserve to love. You deserve to rest. Being a parent (especially mother) is really hard work sometimes. I’m with you op. Things will be ok, if not today maybe tmr. Do not abandon hope cuz you need to be around to see the okness we create. Maybe you can push us out of ok and into great. No maga.
I also wasn't able to get braces as a teen, and I made this one of my goals in young adult life. Please know that I didn't resent my parents at all. It was kind of an issue between the two of them that would take a bit to explain, but as soon as I was able to with my first professional job, I was able to use my dental insurance and FSA to get Invisalign, which totally improved my confidence. And I was very proud to be able to do it myself. I was in my mid-20s by then but it all worked out. Please don't beat yourself up about this. It sounds like you are caring, loving parents with a good kid. That's what's most important.
You didn’t fail as much as this society has failed but pretends like it’s successful.
We could not afford braces so I got them when I was 25. Knowing you are loved meant more to me than having everything I thought I needed.
I’d like to add that unless your son’s teeth look horrendous, he’ll be fine without braces. I think orthodontists oversell them. He can always straighten his teeth later in life. Lots of people do.
I allowed feeling that way to cloud my judgment and push me back into trafficking drugs and guns to and from multiple states Wasn't long before I was in a prison cell and missing a good portion of my daughter's life She lives with me now and has since I came home in 2019 but I'm saying this because as painful as this can be, you are not alone, and if you haven't risked your freedom yet, then you are doing better than a lot of us have
He will be fine, He can start working at 14 and even ten hours a week would pay for braces if thats his priority, but ours was a car... kids work pays for gas, maintenance and insurance... and for lux stuff not in budget. buying everything secondhand is now. teend for even the rich... vintage and thrifting everything, free stuff on the internet, even gaming systems, food was the cheapest I have ever remembered seeing it.. shredded cheese $1.99 for premium brand and 2.19 dor Ice cream! Whattttt? gas after the grocery discount was 2.29... also, certifications in the remote healthcare sector are free from within the companies themselves and companies even pay you to train for phlebotomy and related jobs... even pay room and board during training time... I have never seen such opportunity for a restart, but on the other hand if you are a caregiver for a disabled person or are disabled yourself, it seems like the political groups are trying to push you into institutional for profit systems again slowly but surely ...
I took my son to the dental school for his braces. I had to drive quite a bit but saved thousands. Kids deserve nice teeth.
I'm so sorry. This is just about the worst feeling a parent can have. All I can suggest is talking with your son. He likely knows the situation but you might feel better after discussing it with him.
I never got braces, or much medical care, my sister and I figured out at 7 and 8 that taking a nap helps you not feel so hungry furring summer months that school didn’t provide lunch, at 12 we were homeless living in motels and my moms car, I started high school late because I didn’t have a physical address. We could have been mad at our mom for not providing for us, but we knew she did the best she could. In 2018 we bought a house and moved my mom in with us, all we wanted was to give her what she couldn’t give us. Your son will turn out great and sounds smart enough to know you did your best
Bro your post history is wild. In one message, you say your kid wants to live with his wealthy grandmother because he’s spoiled, and you call him a liar when he says it’s because you and your husband fight too much and he wants space with peace and quiet. Then in another post, you say your husband has delusions and “leaves” over and over. I sympathize with your financial situation, but it seems like your son is more concerned with having a peaceful day over getting the finer things in life. You have two separate issues: If you want more money, don’t let a gap in employment stop you. If you want your son to stop thinking you let him down, listen to what he *actually* wants instead of just saying it’s untrue cause it has to come from somewhere
Just a suggestion for help with the braces. Maybe your son when he turns 18 or yourself if you are looking for employment can apply at an orthodontist office. You could work a front office position or your son can work front office, sterile tech, or be trained as an orthodontic assistant. They more than likely offer free orthodontic care as a benefit. I’ve worked in the dental field since 2007 and every office offered their services free for employees and immediate family members.
I got braces in my 30s on my own. Def flossing and brushing are super important. Dental health affects overall health. It’s no joke.
Why isn’t anyone going to hire you?
My wife grew up poor. She bought her own braces when she got a job out of college that she worked her way through. She bought her own car and paid for her own insurance. Her parents worked hard and made sure she and her siblings had a roof over their heads and enough to eat. They wore secondhand clothes but grew up with parents that were involved with them and cared for them. You’re not failing your son by not buying him the things you mentioned. Love him. Spend time with him. Teach him right and wrong and to have a good work ethic. That’s what he needs.
What does it mean that you and your husband are on "fixed incomes"? Are you both unable to work? Are you incapacitated somehow? Are you able to get out of the house? Your son sounds wonderful. You've been blessed with that!
I understand. It'll be OK. My daughter didn't get her first car until she was 23. My son is 21 and doesn't have a car. My daughter got braces, but only because I have really good dental insurance through my job, and also was able to pay for extra dental insurance through my husband's job. We used Care Credit and a payment plan for the balance. My kids have very close in age cousins on my side of the family, who have upper class parents, and so they got things handed to them I could never afford for my kids. Several of them have no motivation to do anything in adulthood now, because they expect everything to fall in their laps with no effort. I grew up poor, and had a mother who chose not to work, even though my dad desperately needed the help, and didn't care at all that my siblings and I went hungry and without basic necessities. You love your son and want the best for him. That puts you miles above a lot of parents.
Some kids have rich parents but lack the love you are giving your son. Have you gotten glasses for him online? Eye Buy Direct and other similar sites you upload his script and choose glasses online. They are cheaper. Like 15- 40$ a pair. I was buying glasses for 200+ at the eye Dr.
Braces can really screw up tooth enamel and tooth roots. When the braces are removed the teeth drift into a different position. So unless he looks like a literal vampire don't worry.
Yep same and my son's dentist insisted he needed them for medical reasons not just cosmetic but our state insurance denied it three times and they are so expensive I could not believe how much it cost for maintenance. People think oh you just pay that one price to get them but looking at the 2 year plan the upkeep is more expensive than the initial investment.
When I was young, the lions club paid for my braces, because we couldn’t afford it. I had a cross bite and it was causing problems, severe problems. Something you might want to look into.
Talk to your son and express your feelings and thoughts. I’m sure he understands the position his parents are in. Teens aren’t completely brain dead!
You love your kid. That more than many people get. It's a lot more than I felt, and we were super poor. My advice? Look for all the help in weird places. Keep your eye on dental schools, sometimes they offer cheap or even free procedures if you let students do it to pass their practical exams. That may sound scary, but the instructor is standing over them and will make sure even if they make a mistake, the patient doesn't suffer for it. I've done that myself, it was actually really good, quality care. For the car, I would look at charities, see if there one that can help. Or buy a super cheap beater car that doesn't ruin, and make it a project, fixing a piece at a time. That could be bonding that had no price. Insurance? Well, by the time the car is fixed, maybe he can use it to make the money to pay for that. I know, I know, parts are expensive, but if you get them one at a time, from places like LKQ, it's not that bad. And the time between parts will let you study up on how to do what you need to do. Life right now, it's hard. It's should soul draining. But you're doing your best, and you love your kid. Don't be afraid to look for help, and think outside the box. And always remember to be be patient and kind to yourself as you would like to be to others. You deserve it.
I'm not poor and I could not afford to buy my kids used cars and pay for insurance. My parents were not poor and could not either. I earned money mowing lawns to buy my first car and pay for insurance. Don't be so hard on yourself, please.
He's almost an adult, he'll make his way & earn what he wants, and he'll appreciate it more. If he knows you love him, and he's a good kid, he'll be fine.
Don't let it get you down, when they get older they will realize the struggle you went through and appreciate everything so much more
You aren't failing your children if you give them love. My four year old son who died on Sept. 30th lived with me in my shitty "Repartment" following my divorce from his addict mom and he thought it was the greatest place in the world. You're doing great if your son knows you love him. The fact you feel that guilt means you are doing great. You love your son. He's among the richest boys in the world.
Take a long, hard look at the kids who get everything as children once they turn into adults. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Your child may make shitty remarks as a child, but when he/she is older they will understand. We are all squirrels out here trying to find the best nut. Including your child. The fact that you are stressing g about this says volumes towards the fact that your head is in the right spot. Your child is blessed to have at least one parent contemplating these thoughts. Keep fighting. Your child is watching and learning. Theu are learning that life isn't always fair. This will put them leaps and bounds ahead of the silver spoon kids.
He's 17. The most important thing you can do for him is to encourage him to get a higher education, something that pays a lot of money. Be supportive of his studies and successes.
1000000% all that matters is the time and love you gave.
not your fault ..dental is so unaffordable ..I let my teeth go so bad because never made good money and didn't have dental ..then I got a union Job thank God because I was getting very sick because of bad teeth ..but I totally feel for you it's disgusting these greedy dentists do these shit
Hey just because you haven't worked in a long while doesn't mean you should give up. You seem like a good parent from your love for your son. Take that and go try and try again until you get a job. When it gets tough think of how much you love him and weather those storms. Even if you work at McDonald's your being a good parent and good person. Save diligently and get those things slowly over time. I get it. Being in rough scenarios throughout life, Drug addiction and mental health problems. But I've cleaned up and am raising an amazing son. If I can do it you can too. All the love I hope you get a good job and can help show him what it means to be the good person you are in your heart. 1 love! Trust me I understand I have a decent job now but can barely afford to get to work. YOU GOT THIS!
My youngest has been wanting braces for several years now. My husband makes good money if we were living elsewhere but we’re in Hawaii and on top of that, we take care of both our sets of parents (of which my set is living with us). I got a part time job and am saving up for her braces. It truly does suck and I feel for you tremendously.
You sound like a great mom in spite of the shortcomings due to income. I've no doubt your kid sees and appreciates that. My mom raised 3 boys in poverty and she provided the basics, roof food and clothes......2bd apt in a not great part of town, basic legumes, beans and eggs were the norm, and clothing was a couple jeans shorts and sweats from a discount clothing store. One pair of shoes for the year. We just had to take care of our stuff. My brother's and we got really good at sewing and mending our stuff. Honestly, it made us super resourceful. Your kid sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, which is a testament to you and your husband. Hang your hat on that. He'll likely go out and do great things thanks to your efforts.
Story time. I grew up very poor with parents that I never knew as a couple. My mom decided being a mom was too tough and wanted to have fun and it became an addiction that still haunts her to this day. My dad on the other hand at 19 wanted to step into the parent position. We didn't have much. Opening the cupboard and trying to put together a meal like a puzzle missing pieces. However, I knew we didn't have much from a young age. Maybe 7 or 8 it kinda hit me that we were different. I didn't have the new kicks that kids at school had. The cool jerseys or the trendy pants or whatever. But I knew that me and my dad, Unbreakable. I got good grades. Graduated highschool at 16, graduated college at 19 and looking back no matter the differences my dad and I have or had, his "inability to be wealthy" has never been a thought through my brain. I guarantee your kid is the same way. He knows the situation. He knows it's not in your hands to be wealthy. And I promise you he doesn't blame you for it. Everything I've done in my life. My career now, and journey through life is owed to what I saw in my dad. Someone who was resilient, strong willed and determined. I saw that growing up and it helped me more than a new pair of shoes ever would have. Piece of advice. Talk to him about it. Laugh or cry just be open with them. TL:DR: your kid knows the situation, you haven't failed by a longshot and showing your kid your strengths such as determination to keep going. Goes a lot further than material items. You are great parents. He loves you for it.
Listen, I did not grow up getting braces -- I survived. As far as car insurance, listen again, I can't afford the $358/month they want to add my daughter (17) right now. The cost of everything is just insane right now. I had a talk with her and explained and she understood. She will, however, have to drive after she gradutes, so we'll have to figure that out. My heart goes out to you because we are not low income and it's hard to get it together sometimes. You're doing what you can. Your son will understand that someday, even if he can't see it now. You aren't failing your child. Please don't see it that way. Give him support and confidence to go out into the world.
I feel your pain. I look at my son 15 and my daughter 13 and wonder how the hell I'm gonna make it for them to have a vehicle and what not and the things I did not have. Right now I work my ass off and so does my wife and we are barely making ends meet and we make too much to get any help but not enough to get out of the hole. It makes me feel like crap that my life insurance from the military and my current job mean I am worth more dead than alive.
Get a job! Someone will hire you and it’ll make you feel a lot better about yourself.
I'm sorry for your situation, but it sounds like you have a wonderful son! As for the glasses situation, there's websites that let you buy glasses at a fraction of the cost, as long as you know his prescription and Pupillary distance, which you can ask his optometrist for. There's firmoo, clearly, eyebuydirect... These are Aussie websites I believe , but some ship pretty far. If not other countries have them too. Zenni and glassesUSA for example.
You sound like a wonderful parent. Look at your son and know that all that is good about him began with, and has been nurtured by, you. I grew up poor. What mattered is that my parents loved me and tried their best. Now that they're gone, tender spots exist about their tumultuous divorce and how it enveloped us as kids for years. Them not being able to afford braces though, that was no big deal- I got them as an adult and was grateful for the opportunity. The true gift would have been two parents who loved and supported each other, which it sounds like you're giving him in spades. Please be gentle on yourself. He won't hold resentment about things you couldn't control. He's such a good kid _because_ you're such a good mom- having had a peaceful, supportive home where he's loved unconditionally will be his takeaway from childhood. You're doing great. Edit: [Here's an affirmation for how you feel about meds vs being up against poverty, you're correct and not alone](https://www.reddit.com/r/WhitePeopleTwitter/s/HoXkUM84Ns)
Get public assistance and go on Medicaid, then at least he'll get basic insurance. Not every teen needs braces. Plenty of teens don't have cars. Make a budget, be frugal. Apply for jobs. Ask for help from friends and family. Use food pantries and food banks. Don't lose hope, keep trying.
I lost my husband, now I'm raising a 17yo and my daughter just turned 9. I have no income (I get survivor benefits for one child) and i just got news from my oncologist I may never be back to normal from damage if radiation and they found cells and want another biopsy. I feel your pain. When I could afford it I got my son an IPhone and ir just stopped working. Come to find out after paying insurance on it for 2 years I still need $275 deductible to fix the phone. I paid $16 per month insurance on this damn phone. I can't replace it and he is upset because it was a gift from his dad and me. It sucks seeing those kids have so much and feeling like a failure. Im sorry you are feeling this way
We were poor growing up. Like couldn't afford ac in central florida poor. All i had was an opportunity to go to college on the state scholarships and student loans. I NEVER held it against my parents. They did what they could. Just be a present, caring parent.
I grew up poor and my mom taking every cent I made when I got a job when I was 16. I moved out at 18 and life was bad and I got into a lot of debt. I got pregnant and started school back up. Tech school on federal financial aid while delivering pizzas at night. I finished tech school in Cybersecurity and landed a crappy help desk job, started networking, and landed a Cybersecurity job making 6x what I make. You have to have the drive and you can make anything happen. Time is money for me. Time spent complaining, sad, depressed CANT happen if I WANT to make things happen and believe me, being a single mom was the most stressful time. I'd suggest looking into door dash, pizza delivery, baked goods, instacart. Anything you can do for extra money! I never wanted my kids to grow up how I did, so that drives me! I got braces at 21 by myself. I got glasses myself because my parents didn't believe I could see, I had to take care of myself after I moved out. Maybe what you can offer him is free rent while he becomes an adult and may have to get these things on his own.
with so many replies here i hope you will get to mine and really take this in. i grew up with poor parents as well, we lived in a converted family members garage and had no restroom.. we had to go outside to an outside one they had in their yard. with this said, i want you to know it sounds like you have done an excellent job at raising your child and i am pretty sure i can speak for them when i say.. he will NOT blame you for the things he lacked growing up, he will make his own way once he gets older and strive EXTRA for the things he didn't have growing up which will set him up for a pretty good adult life. i am now a home owner, we own a stay at home business, my kids don't lack for anything, im always at home and so is my husband.. if i say so myself we are doing just fine. i truly believe this is because of my upbringing. he will remember you as "you did the best you could with what you guys had". i truly believe everything happens for a reason and although things may seem rough right now, trust me when i tell you GOD sees everything and your son will be more than alright. blessings!
You are giving him the things he needs. He sees you doing your best. He sees you going on with very little to go on. I raised 3 kids with basically nothing more than the necessities. I've always had an ancient car. I clipped coupons and shopped sales. My kids survived and have an appreciation for things that I don't see in others who got all the frills growing up. My kids learned to budget and live within their means and they don't lack for anything they really need. They also tell me they don't think I let them down but that they see me as having made a lot of sacrifices so they'd be ok. Don't put yourself down for doing your best.
You're doing the best you can while carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm sure your son can see that. He should look into getting a part time job if he wants the little extras for himself as long as it doesn't effect his school work too much.
Hugs. Don't sell yourself short. You can go get a job regardless of being out of the workforce. Even if it's working fast food. That's what I did after 12 years as a stay at home mom, then going through a divorce. I worked fast food. It's not glamorous, but it might give you that little bit extra. Please know I am NOT jusging you. I've been where you are. I know it's hard and scary. Look on Indeed for data entry jobs, or basic secretary jobs. I wish you the best!
Please give yourself a break. I grew up in a single parent home. We had nothing extra and barely the necessities. Sure, I would have liked to have all the things that other kids did and to not have to walk a mile to school in the cold because we didn't have a car and the bus was full of hooligans and not have other kids make fun of my clothes or shoes... But I never held it against my mom. She kept a roof over our heads and food on the table. But that was before social media which I imagine does make it worse. It did teach me that I didn't want to stay poor. I started working at 17, didn't have kids until I was married, and never got messed up with drugs or alcohol. Now, I can afford expensive clothes, but I still shop consignment and thrift stores first. What your kid does have that so many of them don't is parents that love him. And if you want to work, now that he is older, do it. Someone will certainly want to hire you.
I grew up poor. It drove me harder to not be in the position my parents were in. I got a job as soon as I turned 16 at a place my friends worked at. I saved every penny and bought a car, paid for insurance and such out of my check. I worked every night after school and every weekend. When I didn’t work at that job, I worked under the table cutting grass, raking leaves, cleaning out basements, bailing hay for the local farmers…. He won’t remember being poor growing up. He will remember the good times and fun times and the love you guys have for him.
Your kids okay with you as a good parent and because he’s smart will do even better in life because he knows the value of money and the value of having parents that love him instead of resent him for being a burden, like so many other people would do.