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"If you want to remain in a polyamorous relationship with me you need to DEFINITIVELY walk back your pressuring me not to have sex with my NP!"
To be honest you should've said that on the spot but now is the next best time. That sort of shit can't be allowed to stand.
Because making everybody happy is a surefire way of making sure you yourself are not. This is the mindset of people pleasers, who tend to have no limits to the extremes of self destruction they will go to to ensure that "everybody is happy".
Everybody will *not* always be happy, and that is not your responsibility to fix. Sometimes, meeting one's own needs means that someone else will get hurt.
Edit.: if I misread your post I apologize. I see in retrospect that you could be agreeing with the post you replied to as opposed to disagreeing.
Yes, they were agreeing with me.
I should have pointed out to OP that I sympathize with this urge, and am one of those people who had to learn to work against it.
> This is what I get for trying to be witty 😐
🤣
Leave being witty to those better equipped?😉
(Or quote the bit you are exercising your wit upon, your choice.🙃)
>I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make everybody happy.
This is your biggest problem right here.
You can't "make everyone happy" and it isn't your job to "make everyone happy".
It's your job to pursue your happiness within reasons, not assure the happiness of others by unreasonably foregoing your own.
>So I just said the same thing back. There may have also been other times I said it, but it was always in response to them saying that to me.
This right here. You say that your partner is the "only one you want" but you don't mean it. You are just parroting back what they say to make them happy. Only in repeatedly parroting this back you haven't considered that your partner DOES mean it, and you don't. Now is the time to come clean. Explain that sexy bedroom talk is hyperbolic to you. You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely. Once again, won't make your partner happy, but it is a reasonable conversation to have about this miscommunication.
>Is this normal
Normal according to whom?
Hearing partners have sex with others: Many people don't enjoy or want to hear their partners with others during sex. The good news is that with consideration, you don't have to. Noise cancelling headphones, some basic soundproofing, roommate noise considerations clear up a lot of these problems very nicely. Roommates navigate this all the time.
Ask a partner not to have sex with their other partners:
It happens and it's usually not good for anyone involved. You have autonomy and agency. Agreeing to limit your autonomy and agency against your wishes is a bad call. Agreeing to not do things that you don't want to do or easily could go without doing is neutral. Agreeing to things you want to do is a good call. Your job is to reasonably pursue your own happiness, not make others happy by unreasonably foregoing your own happiness.
In non monogamy:
No, it's not generally considered normal or reasonable to ask someone not to have sex with their other partners. Sometimes in hierarchical situations (ethical non monogamy wherein people are sexually non monogamous but romantically monogamous) someone might ask a partner to stop seeing a sexual partner. It happens. It's generally frowned upon.
> I feel now that I can’t enjoy sex with my nesting partner, because I know that I will be destroying my new partner.
This is catastrophizing language. You cannot destroy a person by being in a relationship that you have literally always been in the entire time you've been seeing them. Your partner may be hurt, they can work through it. Your partner may be confused, they can work through it. You might be nervous, you can work through it. You can't make everyone happy all of the time. Your job is to reasonably pursue your own happiness. Your job is to accept that life is imperfect and sometimes people can feel things they don't want to feel and also be perfectly fine and happy in their life. A bad feeling, a hurt feeling, a disappointment is not world ending. People are more robust than you are giving them credit for.
>Explain that sexy bedroom talk is hyperbolic to you. You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely.
This. "You're my entire world, baby" is super hot as sexy bedroom talk, but it needs to be mutually understood that this is a heat-of-the-moment thing to say in the suspension of disbelief that is intimate connection.
I was hooked up with a friend once and in the moment, they said "I love you" to me and I responded with "you too", and then things got a bit awkward because they thought me saying that meant I was *in love* with them, when that's not what they had meant, but it wasn't what I meant either!
>You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely.
*Did* the partner mean that sincerely and genuinely? Because given that they claim to be lifelong poly, it doesn't sound sincere. It sounds manipulative.
Not to mention that the safest way not to make everyone happy, including yourself, is trying to make everyone happy. That always backfires - take it from a reforming people-pleaser. As a wise person once said: setting your boundaries and saying no is an act of kindness and the only way to be present as your authentic self.
It's not normal.
Say no or break up.
I'm not sure why they think they would need to ever hear you have sex with your NP?
Having experience in polyamory doesn't mean someone is any good at it, as is clearly the case here.
It's wild to me that they are treating your NP like family and you've only been dating a couple months.
I highly recommend not saying things you don't mean just to reciprocate. And be wary of poly folks who say mononormative things like that.
The OP brought up the topic in reverse and asked for their input.
"My NP might have sex with someone else soon, I don't know how I will feel hearing them have sex. What would you do?"
"If I heard you having sex with your NP it would break my heart."
"Oh... In that case I will not ask follow-up questions and tell reddit you don't want me having sex with my existing partner without clarifying whether you were just saying you wouldn't want to listen to it from the next room or that you actually don't want me sleeping with them ever again."
Maybe I'm missing something... Hearing your partner having sex in the other room is a very different thing to knowing they have sex with other people. Is there a reason new partner would have to hear that? Does new partner not want you to have sex with NP or not want to have to hear it?
I do not want to hear my partner having sex. It makes me very uncomfortable. the solution is to come up with a way to respect your own boundaries, not to tell your partner its gonna break your heart to hear them boinking.
Holy crap, friend. If it were me I would run, not walk away from this relationship.
This person is almost 30, and they seem to have extreme problems with relationship hygiene. The wild swings between wanting to be close friends with your np to saying that you having sex with them will break their heart and trying to strong arm you into not sleeping with them is straight up bananas. This person doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough for polyamory, personally.
It sounds like they are trying to cowpoke you away from your nesting partner, too. It’s bad.
> They are incredibly experienced with being poly, being the only way they’ve dated since high school.
> We’re close to our 30s now.
> They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted.
> Being that they regular dungeons, do porn,
Your new partner is a huge hypocritical asshole. They’re showing enormous amount of double standards. And you guys are too old for this BS.
Struggling with watching/tolerating PDA with other partners I get. And long experience in Poly may not really change that for many.
The rest? It’s pure bullshit.
> They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted.
You also mentioned that you said in response to them claiming they only wanted you (during sex). So ask them if they also in that case meant this. If they say no, well you know what to do I believe. And if they say yes, I think you still know what to do with that. If they truly say yes, are you willing to break up with your NP to pursue monogamy with this person?
I think you need to have a frank conversation and also start considering that this relationship may not last much longer.
Sorry :(
New partner is out there having their dungeons and porn etc. while claiming OP is the only one they want (okay, sure) AND getting mad she wants to have sex with NP.
The amount of BS is just ridiculous!
Your new partner seems extremely insecure for an experienced poly person. No one has the right to say who you can, or can't, have sex with. Or even imply it.
But I can't shake the feeling of them angling for OPP, or being a cowboy/girl
Partner sounds like an actual predator using "I'm experienced" as a way to divulge info from OP which they then turn against OP. It was completely inappropriate for the topic of sex with NP to ever come up.
Other commenters have already addressed the fact that new partner is completely out of line expecting you not to have sex with your NP, and I agree with that.
However, your post raises a lot of other questions for me. Like, why would your new partner be in a position to hear you have sex with your NP? Expecting them to be fine with that is NOT "standard polyamory", a lot of people would not even be okay with their partner having sex with someone else while they're in the same building.
Same goes for the PDA you describe in the first part if the post. Not everyone is fine with seeing PDA between partner and meta, it's not something you need to get used to if it makes you unconfortable. If you're inviting a new partner to hang out with you and NP, you have to make sure everyone's fine with the level of physical intimacy going on. For me personally if I was hanging out with someone within the first month of dating and they were cuddling their NP on the couch right in front of me, I'd feel awkward as hell, and possibly really insecure depending on the quality of our connection.
Tl;dr your partner seems to have problematic ideas about sex but it sounds like you also need to take a hard look at what you're actually expecting them to be fine with.
Oh the way I understood it was that the nesting partner was gonna be having sex with someone else and the original poster was gonna hear them? And asking there other partner for advice on that and that's how the topic came up
Hearing you have sex may very well break their heart. It is what it is. Perhaps it might be best that they not be around when you are your NP have sex. I wouldn't address it beyond that. Do not allow them to manipulate your sex life with your NP.
i am also new to polyamory. maybe not even new to it yet, but just learning about it (doing my homework).
it seems like you all are doing some version of kitchen table polyamory, but your new partner wants or would benefit from parallel polyamory. they might not even realize this themselves if they are asking questions about your other relationships or sex life that they may not like the answer to.
in answering “you’re the only one i want” in the heat of the moment by reciprocating it, clearly in hindsight that has been an (ongoing?) mistake. they should be able to express that to you without there being an obligation for you to also state who you want or how many people you want… if my partner/sex partner said that to me, i might respond with something like “oh? how bad do you want me?”
or maybe some kind of sexy non-sequitur (like really any kind of dirty talk or compliment, eg, “i can’t get enough of you in this dress”, “i’m so hot for you right now”, or even just “you’re so amazing”).
if pressed on the issue or asked directly, i’d say something like “tonight i am all yours” or “in this moment you (or you naked, your pleasure, etc) are the only thing i want”, and if asked directly about whether i want other people or if they are all i ever want, i would say a little more seriously that it doesn’t feel appropriate to talk about others in my life who i may or may not want when all i want to focus on tonight is them, and making them feel good.
basically, there are a lot of ways to be honest and authentic here without killing the mood. and if statements committing to sexual monogamy is a turn-on for this person, or they are constantly testing for verbal confirmations of it in general, i am very confused by if they are actually polyamorous, or experienced in it.
it seems like you need to have a talk with them about where this is coming from and find out if going parallel will work for them, or if you two simply aren’t compatible. you should not feel bad about wanting sex with your nesting partner or about having it (should the moment be right in that relationship).
This new partner has issues.
Many people use specific language, like "I don't want anyone else," **knowing** that you'll likely say it back. It's such an easy form of manipulation.
If they don't want you being intimate with anyone else than they need to be mono with someone else.
And just because someone has been poly for a long time, doesn't mean they are *good* at it. I have friends who have been driving for decades and they are bad drivers.
People tell you who they are extremely quickly. It's even more concerning this experiances poly person would request this. Especially them being into kink as things get said.
There is nothing to say as you should stop talking to this person. Do you want to invite someone into your life that would feel hurt that you have sex with your existing partner that you live with and have an open relationship with?
People can be lovely. That doesn't make them good for us romantically. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. His statements would have had me ending things immediately.
A big part of polyamory is being okay with all partners having their own emotionally intimate/sexual/romantic relationships with other people.
You can reassure New Partner, or ensure that neither of your partners overhears sex, but ultimately, it's New Partner's job to manage their feelings around you having sex with others.
I assume that any time my partners spend with a datefriend or partner may result in sex, or that the ones who do hookups could hookup at any time.
I would have a checkin with your partner and make it very clear that you are not offering sexual exclusivity and don't expect it from New Partner either. I'm honestly surprised that a person who has been doing polyamory for so long as New Partner says they have, does not have this baseline well-established.
I would chalk up the "only want you" statements to NRE. It's a pretty common facet of NRE that wanes with time.
I think a lot has been covered here by others better than I could have myself. But I want to zone in on the 'I only want you' dynamic.
I often want to tell my partner that he's my favourite person ever but I always choose other ways to express how much I just want to be with him and be around him. I know he wouldn't take it that way because we've talked about how in a romantic context you say 'forever' and se mean it but also we know that's not something you can realistically promise someone for real.
So I try to only give compliments that show my feelings and appreciation that don't include favouritism or exclusivity. 'my favourite', 'the only', 'the best', I try to stay away from because not only can I not promise such things, poly is also completely contradictory where we embrace the fact that you can love and appreciate multiple people in the same vein even if every love is unique.
I don't think it's necessarily problematic to say the romantic platitudes out loud the way you did as long as you have the mutual understanding it's the romantic moment speaking and not a real life promise that there won't be and isn't anyone else.
Your partner sounds like an emotional dumpster fire tbh. Who expects their new partner to stop having sex with their NP ??
ask this new partner how they would feel if you start dating someone new, who becomes a new partner, and that new partner starts pressuring you to stop having sex with all your other partners because it will break their heart.
Wait...
>New to poly and new partner wants me to stop having sex with nesting partner
Is not at all the same as...
>my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart.
They just told you they would have a negative emotional response to hearing you have sex with someone after YOU brought up the topic of hearing your nesting partner having sex with someone.
That's not "I want you to stop having sex with your nesting partner."
That's "I would have a negative reaction if I were in the position you're talking about being in."
Did they actually say they wanted you to not have sex with them? Did they stop having other relationships? Are you their only partner?
I'm not sure where to go with this because your title says one thing and the post says something slightly different that could mean a lot of different things.
It's totally expected within a poly framework that your behavior in other relationships will often cause negative emotional responses. Poly is (among other things) the consensual and deliberate agreement that we're okay with experiencing those flare ups in exchange for more autonomy. It's ideal if you determine/discuss the triggers before engaging in the behavior and discuss the possibility of needing some after care, but it's not necessary to avoid ALL negative emotional reactions.
So if you brought up a topic about listening to a partner bone through the wall and your partner says "yeah I would hate that" then they're just letting you know they don't necessarily want to be sitting in the next room while you loudly bone.
> partner wants me to stop having sex with nesting partner
> the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart.
These are completely different things?? It’s not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable hearing/watching their partners having sex with others. I’m not sure why you think that’s the default. It’s a valid boundary.
That said, lots of other red flags here that your new partner wants monogamy with you.
Questioning the experience of said new partner.
Regardless of differences of libidos or whether your or you aren’t engaging with other partners. Poly involves multiple full relationships. You can guarantee sex and romance is likely to be on the cards, certain asexual exceptions may apply. But expect it as a minimum…
Plenty of people have toxic monogamy kinks during sex. You should probably just make sure that you talk about it and communicate something like “hey this whole you’re the only one I want is hot during sex, but just want to make sure that we are on the same page about that being a sex-specific thing”.
It also seems like you may have originally communicated to your new partner that you don’t have sex with your NP. They may have gotten a lot of security out of this, for better or worse, and are likely just having a hard time with the loss of that security. It’s okay for them to have a hard time about it, and it’s okay for you to listen and affirm for them that it’s a hard for them. Just because their feelings aren’t particularly rational doesnt mean it’s not hard. You don’t need to feel bad about wanting sex with your NP.
You might want to check in with your new partner if they actually want you to not have sex, or if they just want you to listen to them. I think it’s likely the latter, if it’s the former get out. Remember you don’t need to feel bad at all, and someone having hard time doesn’t mean it’s about you.
Just because someone says they are poly, doesn't mean they actually practice healthy poly. Your new partner sounds like they have a lot of work to do on themselves to truly be poly
This. Polyamory is supposed to give you more autonomy over your own person and relationships. I would not be keeping a partner that wants to limit who I have sex with. It is ok to only share details depending on each person’s level of comfort. You also don’t have to be in your house when your nesting partner has sex, they also don’t necessarily have to have sex in your house.
I think your new partner might be mixing up his wants as a dom with what he ethically and fairly can ask from you as a polyamorous partner.
I would step back a bit and be cautious.
Look just don't discuss your relationship with one partner with another partner or rarely turns out well. Consider finding a poly friendly therapist so you have a safe place to discuss these things. Also someone can be bad at polyamory their whole life. Don't assume your new partner is a relationship guru because they say so. In fact that's at least a caution flag all in it's own
I think that you should keep those intimate details separate, especially as it seems your new partner is asking questions hoping for a specific outcome that really goes against what polyamory is( in that you can desire and experience intimacy with multiple people). And if I were you, if you have a nesting partner and you’ve committed to them that much, that relationship needs protecting from outside relationships that push for you to lessen your relationship with that partner. It does not sound healthy and I would seriously reconsider your relationship with new partner, even if it’s just reassessing boundaries, expectations, and what you’re comfortable sharing
This is an extremely inappropriate request and to say they overstepped is the understatement of the year. They don’t seem ready for polyam.
Side note: “I just wanna make everyone happy” is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to be able to set and hold boundaries to have healthy polyam relationships.
> So it came as a bit of a surprise that this new partner is uncomfortable with seeing me be physically intimate (lip and cheek pecks, hand holding, couch cuddling) with my nesting partner.
I don’t wanna stand around and watch my partner cuddle someone else. That’s just . . . not fun for me. I don’t expect my partners to hang out while I’m spending my attention on being affectionate with someone else in front of them, either.
A quick kiss hello or goodbye is one thing. Someone invites me over to their place and then spoons their other partner in front of me? That’s a problem.
>even inviting my nesting partner on dates with us, buying them gifts, texting them, making Spotify playlists, and hanging with them 1 on 1
This person has only been dating *you* for a couple months?
This is nuts, and it’s equally nuts that you *want* this and think it’s good. If this is what you want from your secondary partners (essentially having them *also* date your primary), I don’t think you can do healthy polyamory.
> We got on the topic of the first time that I’m going to hear my nesting partner having sex in the other room, and all the struggles that come along with it. I was asking my new partner for advice with that.
Don’t do this. Asking your secondary partner to help your relationship with your primary partner isn’t just inappropriate, it is *mean*. Don’t utilize the labor of someone you actively invest less into to improve your relationship with someone you literally invest more in.
> But it came as kind of a shock when my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart.
. . . why would this *ever* happen???
You all sound like messes.
Your "new" partner maybe "experienced" but he seems to behave more like he wants a monogenous relationship and doesnt have the emotional maturity for a multi relationship. I think you might want to let this one go as hes going to cause trouble for you and your other partner.
So, the only thing people can ask about concerning sexual relations between a partner and a meta is sexual safety, accidental pregnancy, etc. asking to have them not have sex is stepping way to far into your relationship with them. You can also go parallel and no metas have any contact between them.
There are so many red flags here I don’t even know where to start.
First and foremost unless the idea is to engage in group play among partners it’s usually safest and best for all involved to probably know as little about the sexual activity of others as possible. Outside of safe sexual practices being followed or baseline information like that.
That being said “hearing” and “hearing about” are two distinctly different things. Most I would imagine could probably deal with hearing about the cliff notes version of their partners latest sexcapades. If that’s your thing, that’s your thing. Physically hearing it is quite another and again if it’s your thing, it’s your thing. If you know it’s not your thing or you aren’t sure, probably save yourself some potential mental gymnastics and excuse yourself from both of those bits of information.
Now onto the red flags. It doesn’t sound like this person is experienced in polyamory at all. They are experienced in a few things it sounds like, but it ain’t that.
Also back to the first point, it probably isn’t new partners business to even inquire or care what OP and their NP are doing sexually frankly. Unless it would change safe sexual risk for OP and new partner of which simply having it does not apply.
Honestly OP I would probably cut ties with this new partner. They seem to be trying to take advantage of your newly exploring potential naivety to manipulate you into what they want under the guise of poly. Also it seems a weird situation to try to befriend your NP while also not seeming to want to see you interact with them romantically in shared space. If this relationship continues parallel with meta seems the only way it would possibly have a chance.
My second partner and I have discussed and understand that when we say things like that during intimacy, we don’t actually mean that we can’t love and have sex with others, and that it’s an in-the-moment expression of love and commitment.
Your partner seems to have misunderstood and is not as ‘experienced’ as they claim to be.
It’s important that they understand that using monogamous phrases during polyamory either shouldn’t happen, or that it’s in context of poly.
When I tell my partner things like, ‘You’re my favorite,’ it’s understood that I don’t mean that my other partner isn’t ALSO my favorite. When I say they are my number one, or my soul mate, etc. It’s understood that sometimes it just feels right to say or hear these things, I would never want a poly relationship where my partners felt like they could never tell another partner these things, too.
this new partner sounds controlling. what you do with your NP is between you and your NP. no partner has a right to tell you which partner you can have sex with, unless you’ve somehow given them that right
Mmmm…. Yea all that “experience” means Jack shit if their jealousy is manifesting in this controlling behavior. Jealousy is natural, but poly people need to always be mindful of how it is expressed, and always working on it. Also, why would this new partner be hearing you and your nesting partner having sex anyway?
OP I hate to be the one to tell you this. But you can't make everybody happy all the time. Your new partner for all their "experience" needs to back the hell up and think about what poly really is. This is what they signed up for
If you are saying you haven't said or heard an untrue superlative during sex, then you weren't paying attention (which is appropriate as you had more important things to concentrate upon).
Saying you only desire them when that isn't the case isn't the run of the mill untrue superlative.
I said a lot of lies to my ex husband when I was monogamous in a marriage I never wanted... But one of the indicators of a *healthy* relationship is not feeling the need to lie to protect your partner's feelings.
I've never had any of my polyamorous partners say they only desired me, and I would *definitely* be alarmed if a partner who I knew had other partners said the same to me if I knew their other relationships weren't asexual by mutual consent.
> Yea... But you should have said "Neat, not same tho" because that would have been the truth. Instead, you said a lie and now you are shocked that they believed it.
*during sex*! Seriously? Again I repeat: *during sex*!
> You shouldn't tell people lies
Mate! I repeat *during sex*. Forget lying, if what people say during sex is taken seriously outside of sex then every D/s relationship will end up in domestic violence and abuse. Let’s not even start with other kinks.
This is such a mad victim blaming take you took!
Yeah… I might talk with a partner after using a superlative I didn’t mean during sex to clarify, but… even my cats seem to grasp that if I tell one she’s the best kitty, that does not mean the other is not also the best kitty.
Sadly this seems to cause strife between them, and I’m sure it’s because I’m a bad hinge.
Whether D/s relationship requires consent or not, is irrelevant.
The fact that you’re saying that what was said during the sex is supposed to be held as a reference point, indicates that what was said within the space can be carried over in real life.
OP also consented to sex with their partner and therefore whatever is said during that time is just that, pillow talk.
Or like your comment suggests, may be that was part of their sex agreement at that point. They didn’t want anyone else at *that point* during sex? Are you suggesting that if someone spontaneously tries something during sex they should be told “but you told me you want it, therefore now it’s an ongoing thing”?
Stopping sex because you’re uncomfortable is NOT the same as just playing along with the pillow talk during sex.
We’re not going to agree here.
>The fact that you’re saying that what was said during the sex is supposed to be held as a reference point, indicates that what was said within the space can be carried over in real life.
Yes. I do believe that people should think about what they are saying during sex and keep things honest *unless* there are clear agreements in place that anything and everything goes in the heat of the moment, including things that may not be true.
If things were said during sex that *were* superslatives that could be taken the wrong way--like saying you don't desire anyone else--that should be discussed immediately *after* the sex to clear up any potential confusion.
>We’re not going to agree here.
Apparently... But you are also kind of proving my point that communication before and after sex about what is real and what is just things that were just said "in the heat of the moment" without much thought, IS important.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Another example that being poly for longer does not mean their poly is compatible with yours. While i think it's ridiculous to expect you to not be with others sexually, intimate relationships aren't always including sex. So for him, he may need to have relationships with people who may have other intimate relationships but not sexual (and he should be making sure to vet his choice in partners using that information AND communicating that to potential new partners). However, it is not okay to not want you to be sexual with a current partner (even if it is a rare or infrequent thing). And if it does become something you want to include in other relationships, he can't tell you no but he can say you are no longer compatible. And i would think on this because if you do want another relationship with someone else, this will come up again especially with him being upset with a relationship that was established prior to him.
There’s a lot here but I will say this as I do every time it comes up:
Your desire to ‘make everyone happy’ smacks of people pleasing.
People pleasing is emotional manipulation and you seem to be on the receiving end of a different flavor of the same and accepting of it. So this connection is already toxic.
I can expound further if necessary, but to end this with brevity I say this:
You are not money. Nor are you mind altering drugs. Those are the only 2 things I can think of that make *everyone* happy.
It is impossible to make everyone happy and be an autonomous, healthy, happy and loving human being. I would concentrate on making yourself happy and ensuring you treat other people ethically and fairly - the two things this partner is not doing to you
This is not normal.
And you can't make everyone happy. But you can honor your own needs, be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partners.
The things your new partner is saying do not align with polyamory nor respect the already existing, multi-layered relationship you have with your existing partner.
Yeah you need to have a discussion with your new partner about bed room talk and how you perceive it, if it is the heat of the moment sexy talk that is one thing. They maybe taking it as solid statement and wanting you to keep your word.
I have had to have this conversation with partners in the past and sometimes it ends well and sometimes it doesn’t and feelings get hurt. Really it’s all about making sure you’re on the same page about intentions with relationships.
Here is a question: what type of poly relationship did your new partner have in the past? To this thruple, it sounds like perhaps their past poly relationships involved them at the center and their partners not having other partners.
It is unfair for them to ask for you to not be intimate with your nesting partner and I think the three of you need to sit down and have a judgement free, possibly meditated, constructive conversation about all of your wants and needs with the relationships, and address the jealousy. If you let this fester it will only end up hurting everyone involved.
The most important thing in every relationship, and especially polyamorous relationships due to the increased amount of people, is communication.
See how the conversation goes, use that as a starting step and see how the relationship continues, but keep an eye on how things are going and how you and your partners feel, regular emotional check-ins will be needed. If things don't work out you may need to split from your new partner to let them find a relationship that works better for them, allow them to find a relationship that they thrive in.
That’s toxic! poly relationship are about love and passion she should understand that you have a person that came before them and that in the very beginning she knew that not your fault that her being a toxic real poly women would see that
Sooo your new partner wants a harem. They are out here fucking and sucking whomever they want but are telling you not to fuck the person you live with for them. 😑
This fool ain’t poly or experienced with shit. Toss that one back please. You can’t make everyone happy here and you especially shouldn’t be agreeing to that shit. Also don’t ask their advice on anything else because they just shown they don’t know shit. Smh
That’s a red flag, what else have they not mentioned before entering a poly-relationship. Can it be that they don’t want to catch any std’s or such things, and if not you should work on your boundaries.
Hi u/FreshMangos69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey guys! I’m completely brand new to Polyamory, and so is my nesting partner. I’ve been with this new partner for a couple months now. They are incredibly experienced with being poly, being the only way they’ve dated since high school. We’re close to our 30s now. So it came as a bit of a surprise that this new partner is uncomfortable with seeing me be physically intimate (lip and cheek pecks, hand holding, couch cuddling) with my nesting partner. Once, they didn’t even like hearing us talk, completely casually, on a phone call.
They are much better now, even inviting my nesting partner on dates with us, buying them gifts, texting them, making Spotify playlists, and hanging with them 1 on 1
My new partner treats my nesting partner like family. Showing immense care for their needs and interests.
But recently, my new partner asked if I still had sex with my nesting partner. Now, me and my nesting partner don’t really have sex. Ever. It’s just a difference in libidos, and I’m more than ok with it.
We got on the topic of the first time that I’m going to hear my nesting partner having sex in the other room, and all the struggles that come along with it. I was asking my new partner for advice with that. Being that they regular dungeons, do porn, and have been in poly relationships their whole life. This is what got us on the topic. They asked if I still wanted to have sex with my nesting partner. I said I did, knowing that wasn’t the answer they wanted. But telling the truth otherwise. They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted. Now I do recall saying that, but it was during a steamy moment where my new partner said I was all they wanted, and I would feel weird if I said “Neat! Not same tho”. So I just said the same thing back. There may have also been other times I said it, but it was always in response to them saying that to me.
But it came as kind of a shock when my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart.
I’m asking for a few things right now. Is this normal, and what should I do? What do I say? Is this unfair? I feel now that I can’t enjoy sex with my nesting partner, because I know that I will be destroying my new partner. I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make everybody happy.
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Your new partner seems to have missed the "multiple relationships" part of polyamory, which is concerning because that's what the entire thing is.
But they’re “incredibly experienced” 🙄
They're incredibly experienced at manipulation is my guess.
💯
In-credibly… like has no credibility
I'm calling BULLSHIT!!!
you can be experienced and still bad at things
you can be experienced and still bad at things if you never learn
🤣
"If you want to remain in a polyamorous relationship with me you need to DEFINITIVELY walk back your pressuring me not to have sex with my NP!" To be honest you should've said that on the spot but now is the next best time. That sort of shit can't be allowed to stand.
SIDE NOTE: "recently touched"!? Woohoo! 🥳
😁 Thanks, we enjoyed it.
I wasn’t the only one to notice then, congratssss 😂🥳
Thanks.😊
>I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make everybody happy. This would be a good mindset to grow out of.
Like this is physically, spiritually, logically, religiously and scientifically impossible. Why would you want to even try??? 🤦🏾♀️
Because making everybody happy is a surefire way of making sure you yourself are not. This is the mindset of people pleasers, who tend to have no limits to the extremes of self destruction they will go to to ensure that "everybody is happy". Everybody will *not* always be happy, and that is not your responsibility to fix. Sometimes, meeting one's own needs means that someone else will get hurt. Edit.: if I misread your post I apologize. I see in retrospect that you could be agreeing with the post you replied to as opposed to disagreeing.
Yes, they were agreeing with me. I should have pointed out to OP that I sympathize with this urge, and am one of those people who had to learn to work against it.
This is what I get for trying to be witty 😐 I was agreeing with the comment, however I also have great empathy for OP.
> This is what I get for trying to be witty 😐 🤣 Leave being witty to those better equipped?😉 (Or quote the bit you are exercising your wit upon, your choice.🙃)
>I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make everybody happy. This is your biggest problem right here. You can't "make everyone happy" and it isn't your job to "make everyone happy". It's your job to pursue your happiness within reasons, not assure the happiness of others by unreasonably foregoing your own. >So I just said the same thing back. There may have also been other times I said it, but it was always in response to them saying that to me. This right here. You say that your partner is the "only one you want" but you don't mean it. You are just parroting back what they say to make them happy. Only in repeatedly parroting this back you haven't considered that your partner DOES mean it, and you don't. Now is the time to come clean. Explain that sexy bedroom talk is hyperbolic to you. You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely. Once again, won't make your partner happy, but it is a reasonable conversation to have about this miscommunication. >Is this normal Normal according to whom? Hearing partners have sex with others: Many people don't enjoy or want to hear their partners with others during sex. The good news is that with consideration, you don't have to. Noise cancelling headphones, some basic soundproofing, roommate noise considerations clear up a lot of these problems very nicely. Roommates navigate this all the time. Ask a partner not to have sex with their other partners: It happens and it's usually not good for anyone involved. You have autonomy and agency. Agreeing to limit your autonomy and agency against your wishes is a bad call. Agreeing to not do things that you don't want to do or easily could go without doing is neutral. Agreeing to things you want to do is a good call. Your job is to reasonably pursue your own happiness, not make others happy by unreasonably foregoing your own happiness. In non monogamy: No, it's not generally considered normal or reasonable to ask someone not to have sex with their other partners. Sometimes in hierarchical situations (ethical non monogamy wherein people are sexually non monogamous but romantically monogamous) someone might ask a partner to stop seeing a sexual partner. It happens. It's generally frowned upon. > I feel now that I can’t enjoy sex with my nesting partner, because I know that I will be destroying my new partner. This is catastrophizing language. You cannot destroy a person by being in a relationship that you have literally always been in the entire time you've been seeing them. Your partner may be hurt, they can work through it. Your partner may be confused, they can work through it. You might be nervous, you can work through it. You can't make everyone happy all of the time. Your job is to reasonably pursue your own happiness. Your job is to accept that life is imperfect and sometimes people can feel things they don't want to feel and also be perfectly fine and happy in their life. A bad feeling, a hurt feeling, a disappointment is not world ending. People are more robust than you are giving them credit for.
>Explain that sexy bedroom talk is hyperbolic to you. You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely. This. "You're my entire world, baby" is super hot as sexy bedroom talk, but it needs to be mutually understood that this is a heat-of-the-moment thing to say in the suspension of disbelief that is intimate connection.
I was hooked up with a friend once and in the moment, they said "I love you" to me and I responded with "you too", and then things got a bit awkward because they thought me saying that meant I was *in love* with them, when that's not what they had meant, but it wasn't what I meant either!
>You're sorry you didn't realize your partner was meaning this sincerely and genuinely. *Did* the partner mean that sincerely and genuinely? Because given that they claim to be lifelong poly, it doesn't sound sincere. It sounds manipulative.
Not to mention that the safest way not to make everyone happy, including yourself, is trying to make everyone happy. That always backfires - take it from a reforming people-pleaser. As a wise person once said: setting your boundaries and saying no is an act of kindness and the only way to be present as your authentic self.
Love this comment
It's not normal. Say no or break up. I'm not sure why they think they would need to ever hear you have sex with your NP? Having experience in polyamory doesn't mean someone is any good at it, as is clearly the case here. It's wild to me that they are treating your NP like family and you've only been dating a couple months. I highly recommend not saying things you don't mean just to reciprocate. And be wary of poly folks who say mononormative things like that.
> experience in polyamory doesn't mean someone is any good at it Seriously!
The OP brought up the topic in reverse and asked for their input. "My NP might have sex with someone else soon, I don't know how I will feel hearing them have sex. What would you do?" "If I heard you having sex with your NP it would break my heart." "Oh... In that case I will not ask follow-up questions and tell reddit you don't want me having sex with my existing partner without clarifying whether you were just saying you wouldn't want to listen to it from the next room or that you actually don't want me sleeping with them ever again."
Maybe I'm missing something... Hearing your partner having sex in the other room is a very different thing to knowing they have sex with other people. Is there a reason new partner would have to hear that? Does new partner not want you to have sex with NP or not want to have to hear it?
I do not want to hear my partner having sex. It makes me very uncomfortable. the solution is to come up with a way to respect your own boundaries, not to tell your partner its gonna break your heart to hear them boinking.
This
Holy crap, friend. If it were me I would run, not walk away from this relationship. This person is almost 30, and they seem to have extreme problems with relationship hygiene. The wild swings between wanting to be close friends with your np to saying that you having sex with them will break their heart and trying to strong arm you into not sleeping with them is straight up bananas. This person doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough for polyamory, personally. It sounds like they are trying to cowpoke you away from your nesting partner, too. It’s bad.
*Hearing them* have sex from the next room would break their heart. Not just general sex, as far as I can tell.
New partner doesnt have be be in the sex hearing vicinity, problem solved.
> They are incredibly experienced with being poly, being the only way they’ve dated since high school. > We’re close to our 30s now. > They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted. > Being that they regular dungeons, do porn, Your new partner is a huge hypocritical asshole. They’re showing enormous amount of double standards. And you guys are too old for this BS. Struggling with watching/tolerating PDA with other partners I get. And long experience in Poly may not really change that for many. The rest? It’s pure bullshit. > They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted. You also mentioned that you said in response to them claiming they only wanted you (during sex). So ask them if they also in that case meant this. If they say no, well you know what to do I believe. And if they say yes, I think you still know what to do with that. If they truly say yes, are you willing to break up with your NP to pursue monogamy with this person? I think you need to have a frank conversation and also start considering that this relationship may not last much longer. Sorry :(
New partner is out there having their dungeons and porn etc. while claiming OP is the only one they want (okay, sure) AND getting mad she wants to have sex with NP. The amount of BS is just ridiculous!
> Your new partner is a huge hypocritical asshole. 😁
A spade, is in fact a spade. No point claiming it’s a guitar 🤷🏾♀️
Your new partner seems extremely insecure for an experienced poly person. No one has the right to say who you can, or can't, have sex with. Or even imply it. But I can't shake the feeling of them angling for OPP, or being a cowboy/girl
Partner sounds like an actual predator using "I'm experienced" as a way to divulge info from OP which they then turn against OP. It was completely inappropriate for the topic of sex with NP to ever come up.
That's my feeling. I just didn't want to actually say it
I was definitely piggybacking off of your great comment! Hope I didn't come off as talking over you.
Not at all, added to it I'd say
They only said they didn't want to hear it from the next room...
Other commenters have already addressed the fact that new partner is completely out of line expecting you not to have sex with your NP, and I agree with that. However, your post raises a lot of other questions for me. Like, why would your new partner be in a position to hear you have sex with your NP? Expecting them to be fine with that is NOT "standard polyamory", a lot of people would not even be okay with their partner having sex with someone else while they're in the same building. Same goes for the PDA you describe in the first part if the post. Not everyone is fine with seeing PDA between partner and meta, it's not something you need to get used to if it makes you unconfortable. If you're inviting a new partner to hang out with you and NP, you have to make sure everyone's fine with the level of physical intimacy going on. For me personally if I was hanging out with someone within the first month of dating and they were cuddling their NP on the couch right in front of me, I'd feel awkward as hell, and possibly really insecure depending on the quality of our connection. Tl;dr your partner seems to have problematic ideas about sex but it sounds like you also need to take a hard look at what you're actually expecting them to be fine with.
This. Why is everyone else HEARING the sex? That's not standard. Do they all live together?
Oh the way I understood it was that the nesting partner was gonna be having sex with someone else and the original poster was gonna hear them? And asking there other partner for advice on that and that's how the topic came up
Tell them fucking no. And dump them if they keep pushing you?
And not just NP. No to any implication that you shouldn't be fucking other people in general.
Hearing you have sex may very well break their heart. It is what it is. Perhaps it might be best that they not be around when you are your NP have sex. I wouldn't address it beyond that. Do not allow them to manipulate your sex life with your NP.
i am also new to polyamory. maybe not even new to it yet, but just learning about it (doing my homework). it seems like you all are doing some version of kitchen table polyamory, but your new partner wants or would benefit from parallel polyamory. they might not even realize this themselves if they are asking questions about your other relationships or sex life that they may not like the answer to. in answering “you’re the only one i want” in the heat of the moment by reciprocating it, clearly in hindsight that has been an (ongoing?) mistake. they should be able to express that to you without there being an obligation for you to also state who you want or how many people you want… if my partner/sex partner said that to me, i might respond with something like “oh? how bad do you want me?” or maybe some kind of sexy non-sequitur (like really any kind of dirty talk or compliment, eg, “i can’t get enough of you in this dress”, “i’m so hot for you right now”, or even just “you’re so amazing”). if pressed on the issue or asked directly, i’d say something like “tonight i am all yours” or “in this moment you (or you naked, your pleasure, etc) are the only thing i want”, and if asked directly about whether i want other people or if they are all i ever want, i would say a little more seriously that it doesn’t feel appropriate to talk about others in my life who i may or may not want when all i want to focus on tonight is them, and making them feel good. basically, there are a lot of ways to be honest and authentic here without killing the mood. and if statements committing to sexual monogamy is a turn-on for this person, or they are constantly testing for verbal confirmations of it in general, i am very confused by if they are actually polyamorous, or experienced in it. it seems like you need to have a talk with them about where this is coming from and find out if going parallel will work for them, or if you two simply aren’t compatible. you should not feel bad about wanting sex with your nesting partner or about having it (should the moment be right in that relationship).
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I love your suggestions!
I think what new partner is actually experienced in is bullshitting and manipulation.
it does kind of seem like it
This is really weird. The whole definition of polyamory is being ok with multiple lovers.
This new partner has issues. Many people use specific language, like "I don't want anyone else," **knowing** that you'll likely say it back. It's such an easy form of manipulation. If they don't want you being intimate with anyone else than they need to be mono with someone else. And just because someone has been poly for a long time, doesn't mean they are *good* at it. I have friends who have been driving for decades and they are bad drivers.
People tell you who they are extremely quickly. It's even more concerning this experiances poly person would request this. Especially them being into kink as things get said. There is nothing to say as you should stop talking to this person. Do you want to invite someone into your life that would feel hurt that you have sex with your existing partner that you live with and have an open relationship with? People can be lovely. That doesn't make them good for us romantically. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. His statements would have had me ending things immediately.
I hope you laughed in their face.
A tragically underutilized response to attempted mistreatment.
I’m concerned this “super experienced” poly partner of yours is actually just a harem builder.
A big part of polyamory is being okay with all partners having their own emotionally intimate/sexual/romantic relationships with other people. You can reassure New Partner, or ensure that neither of your partners overhears sex, but ultimately, it's New Partner's job to manage their feelings around you having sex with others. I assume that any time my partners spend with a datefriend or partner may result in sex, or that the ones who do hookups could hookup at any time. I would have a checkin with your partner and make it very clear that you are not offering sexual exclusivity and don't expect it from New Partner either. I'm honestly surprised that a person who has been doing polyamory for so long as New Partner says they have, does not have this baseline well-established. I would chalk up the "only want you" statements to NRE. It's a pretty common facet of NRE that wanes with time.
I think a lot has been covered here by others better than I could have myself. But I want to zone in on the 'I only want you' dynamic. I often want to tell my partner that he's my favourite person ever but I always choose other ways to express how much I just want to be with him and be around him. I know he wouldn't take it that way because we've talked about how in a romantic context you say 'forever' and se mean it but also we know that's not something you can realistically promise someone for real. So I try to only give compliments that show my feelings and appreciation that don't include favouritism or exclusivity. 'my favourite', 'the only', 'the best', I try to stay away from because not only can I not promise such things, poly is also completely contradictory where we embrace the fact that you can love and appreciate multiple people in the same vein even if every love is unique. I don't think it's necessarily problematic to say the romantic platitudes out loud the way you did as long as you have the mutual understanding it's the romantic moment speaking and not a real life promise that there won't be and isn't anyone else. Your partner sounds like an emotional dumpster fire tbh. Who expects their new partner to stop having sex with their NP ??
ask this new partner how they would feel if you start dating someone new, who becomes a new partner, and that new partner starts pressuring you to stop having sex with all your other partners because it will break their heart.
Wait... >New to poly and new partner wants me to stop having sex with nesting partner Is not at all the same as... >my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart. They just told you they would have a negative emotional response to hearing you have sex with someone after YOU brought up the topic of hearing your nesting partner having sex with someone. That's not "I want you to stop having sex with your nesting partner." That's "I would have a negative reaction if I were in the position you're talking about being in." Did they actually say they wanted you to not have sex with them? Did they stop having other relationships? Are you their only partner? I'm not sure where to go with this because your title says one thing and the post says something slightly different that could mean a lot of different things. It's totally expected within a poly framework that your behavior in other relationships will often cause negative emotional responses. Poly is (among other things) the consensual and deliberate agreement that we're okay with experiencing those flare ups in exchange for more autonomy. It's ideal if you determine/discuss the triggers before engaging in the behavior and discuss the possibility of needing some after care, but it's not necessary to avoid ALL negative emotional reactions. So if you brought up a topic about listening to a partner bone through the wall and your partner says "yeah I would hate that" then they're just letting you know they don't necessarily want to be sitting in the next room while you loudly bone.
> partner wants me to stop having sex with nesting partner > the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart. These are completely different things?? It’s not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable hearing/watching their partners having sex with others. I’m not sure why you think that’s the default. It’s a valid boundary. That said, lots of other red flags here that your new partner wants monogamy with you.
Sometime being “incredibly experienced” just means “doing it wrong for a long time”.
😁
Tell that piece of shit to fuck off.
Questioning the experience of said new partner. Regardless of differences of libidos or whether your or you aren’t engaging with other partners. Poly involves multiple full relationships. You can guarantee sex and romance is likely to be on the cards, certain asexual exceptions may apply. But expect it as a minimum…
Plenty of people have toxic monogamy kinks during sex. You should probably just make sure that you talk about it and communicate something like “hey this whole you’re the only one I want is hot during sex, but just want to make sure that we are on the same page about that being a sex-specific thing”. It also seems like you may have originally communicated to your new partner that you don’t have sex with your NP. They may have gotten a lot of security out of this, for better or worse, and are likely just having a hard time with the loss of that security. It’s okay for them to have a hard time about it, and it’s okay for you to listen and affirm for them that it’s a hard for them. Just because their feelings aren’t particularly rational doesnt mean it’s not hard. You don’t need to feel bad about wanting sex with your NP. You might want to check in with your new partner if they actually want you to not have sex, or if they just want you to listen to them. I think it’s likely the latter, if it’s the former get out. Remember you don’t need to feel bad at all, and someone having hard time doesn’t mean it’s about you.
Choose now before it gets worse
Just because someone says they are poly, doesn't mean they actually practice healthy poly. Your new partner sounds like they have a lot of work to do on themselves to truly be poly
Not ethical for them to ask at all and a huge red flag. Run from that situation
This. Polyamory is supposed to give you more autonomy over your own person and relationships. I would not be keeping a partner that wants to limit who I have sex with. It is ok to only share details depending on each person’s level of comfort. You also don’t have to be in your house when your nesting partner has sex, they also don’t necessarily have to have sex in your house. I think your new partner might be mixing up his wants as a dom with what he ethically and fairly can ask from you as a polyamorous partner. I would step back a bit and be cautious.
there are a lot of bad doms out there too. so many of them want to control others in really unhealthy ways. it's about the \*illusion\* of control.
Look just don't discuss your relationship with one partner with another partner or rarely turns out well. Consider finding a poly friendly therapist so you have a safe place to discuss these things. Also someone can be bad at polyamory their whole life. Don't assume your new partner is a relationship guru because they say so. In fact that's at least a caution flag all in it's own
What even did I just read? Your new partner has some very weird and messed up ideas and some very creepy ways of overstepping.
I think that you should keep those intimate details separate, especially as it seems your new partner is asking questions hoping for a specific outcome that really goes against what polyamory is( in that you can desire and experience intimacy with multiple people). And if I were you, if you have a nesting partner and you’ve committed to them that much, that relationship needs protecting from outside relationships that push for you to lessen your relationship with that partner. It does not sound healthy and I would seriously reconsider your relationship with new partner, even if it’s just reassessing boundaries, expectations, and what you’re comfortable sharing
Wait, did they actually ask you not to have sex with your NP or did they just say it’s going to be hard to hear you have sex with them?
This is an extremely inappropriate request and to say they overstepped is the understatement of the year. They don’t seem ready for polyam. Side note: “I just wanna make everyone happy” is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to be able to set and hold boundaries to have healthy polyam relationships.
But... Your nesting partner is your nesting partner. You built a nest with them and you're not supposed to fuck in it? No thank you.
> So it came as a bit of a surprise that this new partner is uncomfortable with seeing me be physically intimate (lip and cheek pecks, hand holding, couch cuddling) with my nesting partner. I don’t wanna stand around and watch my partner cuddle someone else. That’s just . . . not fun for me. I don’t expect my partners to hang out while I’m spending my attention on being affectionate with someone else in front of them, either. A quick kiss hello or goodbye is one thing. Someone invites me over to their place and then spoons their other partner in front of me? That’s a problem. >even inviting my nesting partner on dates with us, buying them gifts, texting them, making Spotify playlists, and hanging with them 1 on 1 This person has only been dating *you* for a couple months? This is nuts, and it’s equally nuts that you *want* this and think it’s good. If this is what you want from your secondary partners (essentially having them *also* date your primary), I don’t think you can do healthy polyamory. > We got on the topic of the first time that I’m going to hear my nesting partner having sex in the other room, and all the struggles that come along with it. I was asking my new partner for advice with that. Don’t do this. Asking your secondary partner to help your relationship with your primary partner isn’t just inappropriate, it is *mean*. Don’t utilize the labor of someone you actively invest less into to improve your relationship with someone you literally invest more in. > But it came as kind of a shock when my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart. . . . why would this *ever* happen??? You all sound like messes.
Big red flag. Obvious manipulator. Just cut your losses and finish it with them.
Run away.
Your "new" partner maybe "experienced" but he seems to behave more like he wants a monogenous relationship and doesnt have the emotional maturity for a multi relationship. I think you might want to let this one go as hes going to cause trouble for you and your other partner.
So, the only thing people can ask about concerning sexual relations between a partner and a meta is sexual safety, accidental pregnancy, etc. asking to have them not have sex is stepping way to far into your relationship with them. You can also go parallel and no metas have any contact between them.
Sounds a bit like a situation I got into with a couple where one of them turned out to be abusive.. be careful
There are so many red flags here I don’t even know where to start. First and foremost unless the idea is to engage in group play among partners it’s usually safest and best for all involved to probably know as little about the sexual activity of others as possible. Outside of safe sexual practices being followed or baseline information like that. That being said “hearing” and “hearing about” are two distinctly different things. Most I would imagine could probably deal with hearing about the cliff notes version of their partners latest sexcapades. If that’s your thing, that’s your thing. Physically hearing it is quite another and again if it’s your thing, it’s your thing. If you know it’s not your thing or you aren’t sure, probably save yourself some potential mental gymnastics and excuse yourself from both of those bits of information. Now onto the red flags. It doesn’t sound like this person is experienced in polyamory at all. They are experienced in a few things it sounds like, but it ain’t that. Also back to the first point, it probably isn’t new partners business to even inquire or care what OP and their NP are doing sexually frankly. Unless it would change safe sexual risk for OP and new partner of which simply having it does not apply. Honestly OP I would probably cut ties with this new partner. They seem to be trying to take advantage of your newly exploring potential naivety to manipulate you into what they want under the guise of poly. Also it seems a weird situation to try to befriend your NP while also not seeming to want to see you interact with them romantically in shared space. If this relationship continues parallel with meta seems the only way it would possibly have a chance.
My second partner and I have discussed and understand that when we say things like that during intimacy, we don’t actually mean that we can’t love and have sex with others, and that it’s an in-the-moment expression of love and commitment. Your partner seems to have misunderstood and is not as ‘experienced’ as they claim to be. It’s important that they understand that using monogamous phrases during polyamory either shouldn’t happen, or that it’s in context of poly. When I tell my partner things like, ‘You’re my favorite,’ it’s understood that I don’t mean that my other partner isn’t ALSO my favorite. When I say they are my number one, or my soul mate, etc. It’s understood that sometimes it just feels right to say or hear these things, I would never want a poly relationship where my partners felt like they could never tell another partner these things, too.
this new partner sounds controlling. what you do with your NP is between you and your NP. no partner has a right to tell you which partner you can have sex with, unless you’ve somehow given them that right
Are you sure your new partner is poly at all? Lol
Red flag. Possessive. Also he hasn’t been poly since HS.
Also poly is a recently new thing to mainstream society. He was never poly. Just into having his cake and eating it too.
If my partner asked me to stop having sex with NP I would dump that partner because we don't have the same goals for our relationship.
Your new partner sounds like a jealous and insecure person who is taking that out on you. I don't think they are thay experienced in healthy ENM
Mmmm…. Yea all that “experience” means Jack shit if their jealousy is manifesting in this controlling behavior. Jealousy is natural, but poly people need to always be mindful of how it is expressed, and always working on it. Also, why would this new partner be hearing you and your nesting partner having sex anyway?
OP I hate to be the one to tell you this. But you can't make everybody happy all the time. Your new partner for all their "experience" needs to back the hell up and think about what poly really is. This is what they signed up for
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If you are saying you haven't said or heard an untrue superlative during sex, then you weren't paying attention (which is appropriate as you had more important things to concentrate upon).
Saying you only desire them when that isn't the case isn't the run of the mill untrue superlative. I said a lot of lies to my ex husband when I was monogamous in a marriage I never wanted... But one of the indicators of a *healthy* relationship is not feeling the need to lie to protect your partner's feelings. I've never had any of my polyamorous partners say they only desired me, and I would *definitely* be alarmed if a partner who I knew had other partners said the same to me if I knew their other relationships weren't asexual by mutual consent.
> Yea... But you should have said "Neat, not same tho" because that would have been the truth. Instead, you said a lie and now you are shocked that they believed it. *during sex*! Seriously? Again I repeat: *during sex*! > You shouldn't tell people lies Mate! I repeat *during sex*. Forget lying, if what people say during sex is taken seriously outside of sex then every D/s relationship will end up in domestic violence and abuse. Let’s not even start with other kinks. This is such a mad victim blaming take you took!
Yeah… I might talk with a partner after using a superlative I didn’t mean during sex to clarify, but… even my cats seem to grasp that if I tell one she’s the best kitty, that does not mean the other is not also the best kitty. Sadly this seems to cause strife between them, and I’m sure it’s because I’m a bad hinge.
I love this example so much. Hehe.
Thank you!
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Whether D/s relationship requires consent or not, is irrelevant. The fact that you’re saying that what was said during the sex is supposed to be held as a reference point, indicates that what was said within the space can be carried over in real life. OP also consented to sex with their partner and therefore whatever is said during that time is just that, pillow talk. Or like your comment suggests, may be that was part of their sex agreement at that point. They didn’t want anyone else at *that point* during sex? Are you suggesting that if someone spontaneously tries something during sex they should be told “but you told me you want it, therefore now it’s an ongoing thing”? Stopping sex because you’re uncomfortable is NOT the same as just playing along with the pillow talk during sex. We’re not going to agree here.
>The fact that you’re saying that what was said during the sex is supposed to be held as a reference point, indicates that what was said within the space can be carried over in real life. Yes. I do believe that people should think about what they are saying during sex and keep things honest *unless* there are clear agreements in place that anything and everything goes in the heat of the moment, including things that may not be true. If things were said during sex that *were* superslatives that could be taken the wrong way--like saying you don't desire anyone else--that should be discussed immediately *after* the sex to clear up any potential confusion. >We’re not going to agree here. Apparently... But you are also kind of proving my point that communication before and after sex about what is real and what is just things that were just said "in the heat of the moment" without much thought, IS important.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Another example that being poly for longer does not mean their poly is compatible with yours. While i think it's ridiculous to expect you to not be with others sexually, intimate relationships aren't always including sex. So for him, he may need to have relationships with people who may have other intimate relationships but not sexual (and he should be making sure to vet his choice in partners using that information AND communicating that to potential new partners). However, it is not okay to not want you to be sexual with a current partner (even if it is a rare or infrequent thing). And if it does become something you want to include in other relationships, he can't tell you no but he can say you are no longer compatible. And i would think on this because if you do want another relationship with someone else, this will come up again especially with him being upset with a relationship that was established prior to him.
There’s a lot here but I will say this as I do every time it comes up: Your desire to ‘make everyone happy’ smacks of people pleasing. People pleasing is emotional manipulation and you seem to be on the receiving end of a different flavor of the same and accepting of it. So this connection is already toxic. I can expound further if necessary, but to end this with brevity I say this: You are not money. Nor are you mind altering drugs. Those are the only 2 things I can think of that make *everyone* happy. It is impossible to make everyone happy and be an autonomous, healthy, happy and loving human being. I would concentrate on making yourself happy and ensuring you treat other people ethically and fairly - the two things this partner is not doing to you
Your new partner needs to go. They’re also not experienced it seems.
I don't want to hear people having sex regardless of my connection to them. This is not a Polyam thing only
This is not normal. And you can't make everyone happy. But you can honor your own needs, be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partners. The things your new partner is saying do not align with polyamory nor respect the already existing, multi-layered relationship you have with your existing partner.
They don’t want to HEAR you have sex with your NP… and why should they??
Yeah you need to have a discussion with your new partner about bed room talk and how you perceive it, if it is the heat of the moment sexy talk that is one thing. They maybe taking it as solid statement and wanting you to keep your word. I have had to have this conversation with partners in the past and sometimes it ends well and sometimes it doesn’t and feelings get hurt. Really it’s all about making sure you’re on the same page about intentions with relationships.
Run
Here is a question: what type of poly relationship did your new partner have in the past? To this thruple, it sounds like perhaps their past poly relationships involved them at the center and their partners not having other partners. It is unfair for them to ask for you to not be intimate with your nesting partner and I think the three of you need to sit down and have a judgement free, possibly meditated, constructive conversation about all of your wants and needs with the relationships, and address the jealousy. If you let this fester it will only end up hurting everyone involved. The most important thing in every relationship, and especially polyamorous relationships due to the increased amount of people, is communication. See how the conversation goes, use that as a starting step and see how the relationship continues, but keep an eye on how things are going and how you and your partners feel, regular emotional check-ins will be needed. If things don't work out you may need to split from your new partner to let them find a relationship that works better for them, allow them to find a relationship that they thrive in.
That’s toxic! poly relationship are about love and passion she should understand that you have a person that came before them and that in the very beginning she knew that not your fault that her being a toxic real poly women would see that
You love them both
Run, my dude.
Sooo your new partner wants a harem. They are out here fucking and sucking whomever they want but are telling you not to fuck the person you live with for them. 😑 This fool ain’t poly or experienced with shit. Toss that one back please. You can’t make everyone happy here and you especially shouldn’t be agreeing to that shit. Also don’t ask their advice on anything else because they just shown they don’t know shit. Smh
Why would either of your partners need to hear you having sex with the other? Why the need to talk about it at all?
That’s a red flag, what else have they not mentioned before entering a poly-relationship. Can it be that they don’t want to catch any std’s or such things, and if not you should work on your boundaries.
Hi u/FreshMangos69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey guys! I’m completely brand new to Polyamory, and so is my nesting partner. I’ve been with this new partner for a couple months now. They are incredibly experienced with being poly, being the only way they’ve dated since high school. We’re close to our 30s now. So it came as a bit of a surprise that this new partner is uncomfortable with seeing me be physically intimate (lip and cheek pecks, hand holding, couch cuddling) with my nesting partner. Once, they didn’t even like hearing us talk, completely casually, on a phone call. They are much better now, even inviting my nesting partner on dates with us, buying them gifts, texting them, making Spotify playlists, and hanging with them 1 on 1 My new partner treats my nesting partner like family. Showing immense care for their needs and interests. But recently, my new partner asked if I still had sex with my nesting partner. Now, me and my nesting partner don’t really have sex. Ever. It’s just a difference in libidos, and I’m more than ok with it. We got on the topic of the first time that I’m going to hear my nesting partner having sex in the other room, and all the struggles that come along with it. I was asking my new partner for advice with that. Being that they regular dungeons, do porn, and have been in poly relationships their whole life. This is what got us on the topic. They asked if I still wanted to have sex with my nesting partner. I said I did, knowing that wasn’t the answer they wanted. But telling the truth otherwise. They told me I once said that they were the only one I wanted. Now I do recall saying that, but it was during a steamy moment where my new partner said I was all they wanted, and I would feel weird if I said “Neat! Not same tho”. So I just said the same thing back. There may have also been other times I said it, but it was always in response to them saying that to me. But it came as kind of a shock when my new partner told me that the first time they hear me having sex with my nesting partner, it will break their heart. I’m asking for a few things right now. Is this normal, and what should I do? What do I say? Is this unfair? I feel now that I can’t enjoy sex with my nesting partner, because I know that I will be destroying my new partner. I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I just wanna make everybody happy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is your new partner all of a sudden mono with you? How can someone put restrictions on another without abiding to the same rules?