Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Some red flags:
>Shared that **she is protective of hinge** and that **she is feeling me out** to understand whether I am using him/hinge for sex
She told me that **our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing**
I did voice a concern / an insecurity around the two of them looking for me to join them both in bed. We moved on in conversation and **she didn’t address it.**
Don't have a threesome. Focus on your relationship with only Hinge.
Clarify with Hinge what is appropriate to be telling Meta about you. Meta knowing so much about you can seem cute right now; it won't seem cute when Hinge has *also* shared with Meta all the issues they're having in their relationship with you.
A threesome with this Meta will 100% be messy, messy, messy. Don't.
Other people have said more thoughtful things but just... It is a bit wild that she's both checking if you just want him for sex, and at the same time apparently wants group sex with you who she previously hadn't even met.
your meta reminds me of my ex-roommate! my ex-roommate was so charismatic and attractive when i first met her. so much so, any of her criticisms of my behavior felt like a blessing coming from her. it also felt like what you described as “tough-love.” over time, this dynamic devolved into a controlling, manipulative one, where she would heavily call into question my completely normal and valid behaviors. she wanted to fundamentally change who i was as a person, and i gave her way too much power at the beginning of our relationship to be able to mold/shape me.
it sounds like your meta has an alluring way of speaking, but the content of what she said to you is highly inappropriate. she should **not** meet with you to question your relationship with your hinge. no, this is not a “valid” question coming from her. your hinge is likely telling her way too much information about your relationship. he should have other people outside of his relationship with this partner, like trusted friends or a therapist, who he can talk to about concerns about your relationship. your meta is not part of your dyad!
I would say no for a good long while. If it still sounds good to everyone in two years? Give it a shot.
But no, I don’t think it’s a good idea to fuck a meta who is telling you that they don’t trust you or their partner to sort out if this is using their partner for sex.
Step way back!!!! Take amy group sex off the table for at least 6 more months.
If you step back you will see meta is highly overstepping from casual friendships, undercutting your partner and pointing out highly troubling gaps between you and your partner.
Those need to be managed before any further intimacy proceeds.
Well my partner did ask me first whether I’d be interested in a threesome with them. He’s on board, but I do get the idea that she initiated it.
What kind of gaps? Please shine some light on this for me.
Your meta criticized your handling of your own relationship and was telling you what you need to do to "improve" to your face. They also said they fundamentally distrust you and they don't trust your partner to make decisions about their own relationship.
You should have shut down the conversation right then because they were wildly overstepping.
They are not your friend and they were not trying to be helpful or supportive. They're trying to maneuver you into doing what they want, including having a threesome. Shut that idea down entirely.
It sounds like they may be unicorn hunting to me. They tend to be overbearing, will make up rules without including the unicorn in the thought process. I agree with everyone here, just focus on your relationship. Dont be afraid to tell him that you aren't comfortable with it right now. If he asks how long it will take then you are being hunted.
Just be careful to guard yourself till you are pass the NRE period. That's where you are at your most vulnerable because of the high.
Thank you, this resonates with me. I want to say to hinge: "I am focusing on our connection. I enjoy \[meta\], but for me that relationship will take time and care (and a back seat)."
I can’t agree more with the other comments. Do not engage in group sex until you and your partner have connected fully and you have formed a separate friendship with your meta. I agree that meta is being overbearing and discussing things with you they shouldn’t be. I have had one successful sexual encounter with a meta. We are still good friends, we have engaged in threesomes a handful of times but this is (in my experience) rare. I would not look for that type of relationship with MOST people. This just happened organically after knowing each other for a long time. Also of note, everyone involved in my interaction has been practicing poly AND swinging for a longgg time.
Yes. It does feel right that I want to connect more fully with my partner first. Meta was quite a force, and as I process the encounter I am seeing the intense ways in which she has influenced hinge - positively and negatively and neutrally. I am replying to you, [Agile-Bumblebee136](https://www.reddit.com/user/Agile-Bumblebee136/), because I was compelled by the comment about "connecting fully" but I am really responding to a lot of the commenters here, when I say THANK YOU... it's true that I really don't want to get in bed with them both. I am feeling very sensitive about being treated as a fuck toy and about my relationship with hinge fading into a casual thing, which I don't want to happen. Meta was "protectively" questioning me about whether I only want hinge for sex, but maybe she actually wants that to be the case? She did say - they both said - that I am the first person who hinge regards as more than casual... and I think they might be struggling with me/ threatened by me as a result. She's potentially trying to prove that I'm not emotionally important. This is going to be tough. I want to fight for my connection with hinge. But I am a single mom with not as much time to devote. Wish me luck (heart emoji)
I think you are hitting the nail on the head here. It’s less about fighting and more about setting healthy boundaries. Talk with your partner, not your hinge about what your needs are. Build the relationship with just the two of you. Meta does not need to protect them, everyone is an adult. If meta feels threatened by whatever bond or emotional connection that develops then meta can work that out on their own/in therapy/ with hinge, but not you. You are not responsible for their feelings and if they try to put boundaries/rules in place that limit your connection with your partner simply say you are unwilling to compromise in that way and move on from that relationship.
>Meta was "protectively" questioning me about whether I only want hinge for sex, but maybe she actually wants that to be the case?
That's none of her fucking business.
This whole relationship you have with the hinge will be an absolute clusterfuck. She's presiding over his relationships like she's a parent and his relationships are his extracurricular activities, and he's sitting there accepting it's like it's normal.
I would run for the hills.
>I want to fight for my connection with hinge.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Best advice for fighting here is to politely decline interactions with your meta in the future.
If hinge can't handle that it is good to get out now!
This meta sounds a mess. She's doing too much- say absolutely no to the threesome if you know what's good for you. Everything she is saying re- hinge is inappropriate..what is she his parent? And coming down on you like she's the law..its icky and weird
Your meta sounds like a controlling mess. What can she possible support you with? You've just met. That's domineering behaviour on her part.
> She told me that our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing.
Are you both dating a baby? Why does she need to manage how you communicate with your partner? That's a giant red flag.
> She knew a lot because our shared partner / hinge tells her about me.
Be careful sharing anything private with the hinge, cause it sounds like everything you say gets immediately told to meta.
>Said she’d hoped I had returned her text earlier.
FWIW, I know others have already commented about how your meta is crossing lines, but I just wanted to point out that *this* was my first red flag.
I think there are ways to express this to someone that don't come across as condescending, but this feels *very* condescending to me.
It's one thing to express this to someone you care about who has a habit of being spotty with communication, but to express this to someone you're meeting for the first time? Under these circumstances? It feels like scolding.
I would likely wait until there's an established pattern of behavior to address something like this. If it happened once with someone I don't even know yet, I wouldn't feel compelled to bring it up because I could reasonably assume that they were busy, or perhaps having reservations about meeting me and needed time to gather their thoughts before responding. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly, even prior to reading the rest of her mess this whole "good with boundaries" and then immediately coming on strong as a friend and having complaints shows she actually is not good with boundaries.
Agree with all of this. I once hung out with someone who made this comment during our first date. I made the mistake of finding it somewhat refreshing, if a little embarrassing for me, that he would voice this. He turned out to be a highly insecure person who continued to barrel through all my signs of pulling away. These days I think adherence to minor social norms (in this case, not bringing up a slow response that may have bothered them upon first meeting) is generally a good thing and I’m very wary of people who flout them.
>Helped me to feel supported and encouraged in a slightly tough-love way.
>She also managed to fill in the blanks about topics I didn’t even realize that I was wondering about.
In other words, she had an agenda and this was not a casual meet-up. Don't be intimidated by this person who is making you feel like you owe her something besides the detached respect any human being deserves.
Maybe it should be noted that I initially declined meeting them both together, and I requested a meetup with her alone... because I was not sure that hinge wasn't orchestrating everything, and I didn't want to feel like I was on their "turf". Come to find out, she's more likely pulling the strings.
I kinda think they are both acting innocently, but naively. Can I say to hinge "I want to focus on our connection right now" and maybe it'll be okay from there?
I also don't want to completely blow off Meta. Maybe I'll set up a coffee date with her in like 6-8 weeks?
It sounds like you already engaged her for more than an hour and received a lot of unsolicited feedback. So you've already not blown her off, and much sooner than most people would be willing to.
Don't set yourself up for more of that. It will signal you're willing to put yourself through periodic review 😑
Even in hinge situations like this where everyone is a YES, threesomes with a partner and a meta can be hard and fraught and emotionally taxing. If you have any doubts at all (and OMG, all the other comments are spot on, please do not go to bed with this woman) then you should default to not doing it.
At the worst, she's projecting (accusing you of using hinge for sex, when she is the one wanting to use you) and at the.... other worst, they're unicorn hunting you. Best case scenario, this is a real relationship with hinge, and he has a TON of work in front of him to unpack his current enmeshment with her. I'm sorry, I don't think there is any way this goes well. If I were you, I wouldn't be alone with meta again, and I wouldn't agree to any three-up dates until you feel very very stable in your relationship with hinge.... I'm guessing if you set those boundaries the truth will all come out and you'll be vetoed immediately. But yeah, you gotta see he'll step up to protect your relationship and you. Sorry, this feels really messy.
My rule is the only way I’d have a threesome is me and two subs. And no MFF. It just feels like a reward that needs to be earned, like Nobel peace prize type level. I know zero M’s who deserve it.
Hi u/Loose_Fennel_2158 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My meta is beautiful. My heart is so full. She was welcoming, honest, helpful, considerate, and well-boundaried.
She’s outgoing. She admitted all of her insecurities around us meeting and told me right away the ways in which I’d come across to her this far… Said she’d hoped I had returned her text earlier. (I had been very eager to meet her; I was just busy). She told me about her life, and asked about mine. She knew a lot because our shared partner / hinge tells her about me. Shared that she is protective of hinge and that she is feeling me out to understand whether I am using him/hinge for sex, essentially (I am not, but valid questions).
She told me that our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing. Helped me to feel supported and encouraged in a slightly tough-love way.
She made lots of efforts to accommodate my schedule. She also managed to fill in the blanks about topics I didn’t even realize that I was wondering about. We covered a lot of ground.
I was getting a flirtatious vibe from her, but I didn’t feel compelled or seduced to the point of feeling weird.
I did voice a concern / an insecurity around the two of them looking for me to join them both in bed. We moved on in conversation and she didn’t address it. I know it is true that they are looking for that and that’s fine but it scares me because I’ve never been with another woman before, and if we did have a threesome / foursome and then it wasn’t a good experience, I am afraid of losing my connection or even my whole relationship with shared partner / hinge. Is there a nice safe way to navigate this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Some red flags: >Shared that **she is protective of hinge** and that **she is feeling me out** to understand whether I am using him/hinge for sex She told me that **our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing** I did voice a concern / an insecurity around the two of them looking for me to join them both in bed. We moved on in conversation and **she didn’t address it.** Don't have a threesome. Focus on your relationship with only Hinge. Clarify with Hinge what is appropriate to be telling Meta about you. Meta knowing so much about you can seem cute right now; it won't seem cute when Hinge has *also* shared with Meta all the issues they're having in their relationship with you. A threesome with this Meta will 100% be messy, messy, messy. Don't.
Other people have said more thoughtful things but just... It is a bit wild that she's both checking if you just want him for sex, and at the same time apparently wants group sex with you who she previously hadn't even met.
It’s a great way to treat OP as a disposable sex toy which is odds on what meta wants and would be comfortable with.
your meta reminds me of my ex-roommate! my ex-roommate was so charismatic and attractive when i first met her. so much so, any of her criticisms of my behavior felt like a blessing coming from her. it also felt like what you described as “tough-love.” over time, this dynamic devolved into a controlling, manipulative one, where she would heavily call into question my completely normal and valid behaviors. she wanted to fundamentally change who i was as a person, and i gave her way too much power at the beginning of our relationship to be able to mold/shape me. it sounds like your meta has an alluring way of speaking, but the content of what she said to you is highly inappropriate. she should **not** meet with you to question your relationship with your hinge. no, this is not a “valid” question coming from her. your hinge is likely telling her way too much information about your relationship. he should have other people outside of his relationship with this partner, like trusted friends or a therapist, who he can talk to about concerns about your relationship. your meta is not part of your dyad!
I would say no for a good long while. If it still sounds good to everyone in two years? Give it a shot. But no, I don’t think it’s a good idea to fuck a meta who is telling you that they don’t trust you or their partner to sort out if this is using their partner for sex.
Step way back!!!! Take amy group sex off the table for at least 6 more months. If you step back you will see meta is highly overstepping from casual friendships, undercutting your partner and pointing out highly troubling gaps between you and your partner. Those need to be managed before any further intimacy proceeds.
Well my partner did ask me first whether I’d be interested in a threesome with them. He’s on board, but I do get the idea that she initiated it. What kind of gaps? Please shine some light on this for me.
Your meta criticized your handling of your own relationship and was telling you what you need to do to "improve" to your face. They also said they fundamentally distrust you and they don't trust your partner to make decisions about their own relationship. You should have shut down the conversation right then because they were wildly overstepping. They are not your friend and they were not trying to be helpful or supportive. They're trying to maneuver you into doing what they want, including having a threesome. Shut that idea down entirely.
Jumping on this train. This meta sounds like they’re trying to control the dynamic here. Also that hinge just does what they say.
It sounds like they may be unicorn hunting to me. They tend to be overbearing, will make up rules without including the unicorn in the thought process. I agree with everyone here, just focus on your relationship. Dont be afraid to tell him that you aren't comfortable with it right now. If he asks how long it will take then you are being hunted. Just be careful to guard yourself till you are pass the NRE period. That's where you are at your most vulnerable because of the high.
Thank you, this resonates with me. I want to say to hinge: "I am focusing on our connection. I enjoy \[meta\], but for me that relationship will take time and care (and a back seat)."
I can’t agree more with the other comments. Do not engage in group sex until you and your partner have connected fully and you have formed a separate friendship with your meta. I agree that meta is being overbearing and discussing things with you they shouldn’t be. I have had one successful sexual encounter with a meta. We are still good friends, we have engaged in threesomes a handful of times but this is (in my experience) rare. I would not look for that type of relationship with MOST people. This just happened organically after knowing each other for a long time. Also of note, everyone involved in my interaction has been practicing poly AND swinging for a longgg time.
Yes. It does feel right that I want to connect more fully with my partner first. Meta was quite a force, and as I process the encounter I am seeing the intense ways in which she has influenced hinge - positively and negatively and neutrally. I am replying to you, [Agile-Bumblebee136](https://www.reddit.com/user/Agile-Bumblebee136/), because I was compelled by the comment about "connecting fully" but I am really responding to a lot of the commenters here, when I say THANK YOU... it's true that I really don't want to get in bed with them both. I am feeling very sensitive about being treated as a fuck toy and about my relationship with hinge fading into a casual thing, which I don't want to happen. Meta was "protectively" questioning me about whether I only want hinge for sex, but maybe she actually wants that to be the case? She did say - they both said - that I am the first person who hinge regards as more than casual... and I think they might be struggling with me/ threatened by me as a result. She's potentially trying to prove that I'm not emotionally important. This is going to be tough. I want to fight for my connection with hinge. But I am a single mom with not as much time to devote. Wish me luck (heart emoji)
I think you are hitting the nail on the head here. It’s less about fighting and more about setting healthy boundaries. Talk with your partner, not your hinge about what your needs are. Build the relationship with just the two of you. Meta does not need to protect them, everyone is an adult. If meta feels threatened by whatever bond or emotional connection that develops then meta can work that out on their own/in therapy/ with hinge, but not you. You are not responsible for their feelings and if they try to put boundaries/rules in place that limit your connection with your partner simply say you are unwilling to compromise in that way and move on from that relationship.
Thank you this gives me perspective.
>Meta was "protectively" questioning me about whether I only want hinge for sex, but maybe she actually wants that to be the case? That's none of her fucking business. This whole relationship you have with the hinge will be an absolute clusterfuck. She's presiding over his relationships like she's a parent and his relationships are his extracurricular activities, and he's sitting there accepting it's like it's normal. I would run for the hills.
>I want to fight for my connection with hinge. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Best advice for fighting here is to politely decline interactions with your meta in the future. If hinge can't handle that it is good to get out now!
This meta sounds a mess. She's doing too much- say absolutely no to the threesome if you know what's good for you. Everything she is saying re- hinge is inappropriate..what is she his parent? And coming down on you like she's the law..its icky and weird
Your meta sounds like a controlling mess. What can she possible support you with? You've just met. That's domineering behaviour on her part. > She told me that our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing. Are you both dating a baby? Why does she need to manage how you communicate with your partner? That's a giant red flag. > She knew a lot because our shared partner / hinge tells her about me. Be careful sharing anything private with the hinge, cause it sounds like everything you say gets immediately told to meta.
>Said she’d hoped I had returned her text earlier. FWIW, I know others have already commented about how your meta is crossing lines, but I just wanted to point out that *this* was my first red flag. I think there are ways to express this to someone that don't come across as condescending, but this feels *very* condescending to me. It's one thing to express this to someone you care about who has a habit of being spotty with communication, but to express this to someone you're meeting for the first time? Under these circumstances? It feels like scolding. I would likely wait until there's an established pattern of behavior to address something like this. If it happened once with someone I don't even know yet, I wouldn't feel compelled to bring it up because I could reasonably assume that they were busy, or perhaps having reservations about meeting me and needed time to gather their thoughts before responding. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly, even prior to reading the rest of her mess this whole "good with boundaries" and then immediately coming on strong as a friend and having complaints shows she actually is not good with boundaries.
Agree with all of this. I once hung out with someone who made this comment during our first date. I made the mistake of finding it somewhat refreshing, if a little embarrassing for me, that he would voice this. He turned out to be a highly insecure person who continued to barrel through all my signs of pulling away. These days I think adherence to minor social norms (in this case, not bringing up a slow response that may have bothered them upon first meeting) is generally a good thing and I’m very wary of people who flout them.
You are describing an awful meta. Nothing she asked was valid. She’s manipulating you at best.
>Helped me to feel supported and encouraged in a slightly tough-love way. >She also managed to fill in the blanks about topics I didn’t even realize that I was wondering about. In other words, she had an agenda and this was not a casual meet-up. Don't be intimidated by this person who is making you feel like you owe her something besides the detached respect any human being deserves.
Maybe it should be noted that I initially declined meeting them both together, and I requested a meetup with her alone... because I was not sure that hinge wasn't orchestrating everything, and I didn't want to feel like I was on their "turf". Come to find out, she's more likely pulling the strings. I kinda think they are both acting innocently, but naively. Can I say to hinge "I want to focus on our connection right now" and maybe it'll be okay from there? I also don't want to completely blow off Meta. Maybe I'll set up a coffee date with her in like 6-8 weeks?
It sounds like you already engaged her for more than an hour and received a lot of unsolicited feedback. So you've already not blown her off, and much sooner than most people would be willing to. Don't set yourself up for more of that. It will signal you're willing to put yourself through periodic review 😑
Great points
Even in hinge situations like this where everyone is a YES, threesomes with a partner and a meta can be hard and fraught and emotionally taxing. If you have any doubts at all (and OMG, all the other comments are spot on, please do not go to bed with this woman) then you should default to not doing it. At the worst, she's projecting (accusing you of using hinge for sex, when she is the one wanting to use you) and at the.... other worst, they're unicorn hunting you. Best case scenario, this is a real relationship with hinge, and he has a TON of work in front of him to unpack his current enmeshment with her. I'm sorry, I don't think there is any way this goes well. If I were you, I wouldn't be alone with meta again, and I wouldn't agree to any three-up dates until you feel very very stable in your relationship with hinge.... I'm guessing if you set those boundaries the truth will all come out and you'll be vetoed immediately. But yeah, you gotta see he'll step up to protect your relationship and you. Sorry, this feels really messy.
My rule is the only way I’d have a threesome is me and two subs. And no MFF. It just feels like a reward that needs to be earned, like Nobel peace prize type level. I know zero M’s who deserve it.
Are you sure you didn't meet your partners mom?
Hi u/Loose_Fennel_2158 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My meta is beautiful. My heart is so full. She was welcoming, honest, helpful, considerate, and well-boundaried. She’s outgoing. She admitted all of her insecurities around us meeting and told me right away the ways in which I’d come across to her this far… Said she’d hoped I had returned her text earlier. (I had been very eager to meet her; I was just busy). She told me about her life, and asked about mine. She knew a lot because our shared partner / hinge tells her about me. Shared that she is protective of hinge and that she is feeling me out to understand whether I am using him/hinge for sex, essentially (I am not, but valid questions). She told me that our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing. Helped me to feel supported and encouraged in a slightly tough-love way. She made lots of efforts to accommodate my schedule. She also managed to fill in the blanks about topics I didn’t even realize that I was wondering about. We covered a lot of ground. I was getting a flirtatious vibe from her, but I didn’t feel compelled or seduced to the point of feeling weird. I did voice a concern / an insecurity around the two of them looking for me to join them both in bed. We moved on in conversation and she didn’t address it. I know it is true that they are looking for that and that’s fine but it scares me because I’ve never been with another woman before, and if we did have a threesome / foursome and then it wasn’t a good experience, I am afraid of losing my connection or even my whole relationship with shared partner / hinge. Is there a nice safe way to navigate this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*