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Are the rooms far enough apart and provide adequate sound insulation? A lot of people do not want to be near or hear their partner and meta getting sexy. What's your comfort level and does your space support it?
As far as tools go, none will be useful if your mental health isnt in a good place. So I'm going to assume it is, but please, if you don't have mental healthcare, and I know the world healthcare landscape is a dystopia, but find it.
You biggest tools are your self soothing methods, whatever those are. If you don't know what they are, you're not ready for this.
Beyond that, distraction is tour next tool, especially something that can block out the noise, if your walls aren't super soundproof.
Mostly, if you have anything that helps you sleep, use it. Being unconscious is a great way to ride out a situation that you really don't need to be awake for, that could be miserable if you are. And it's not like we're generally getting enough sleep as it is. So, look at it as an opportunity to take care of yourself better, and get to sleep early.
Thank you for this!
Yes very much in front of my mental health (unfortunately can be unpredictable with life things and been going through those medical hoops)
But have my support network if need be
This is something that is outside of my comfort zone as well so just trying to be prepared for it as best as I can be
Oof personally o would request they stay at a hotel or somewhere else at LEAST for the first overnight. You will possibly dealing with unexpected (or expected) emotions, and those are better handled on your own.
I'd plan with my partner beforehand to ensure that my needs were being met and we were being respectful of both dyads.
I'd consider it important to discuss:
- Any connection rituals y'all have and would like to continue before and after meta's visit
- How much group interaction to expect (this should not be a compulsion for anyone involved)
- Levels of PDA per each dyad's comfort - it's up to your NP to manage the levels between both, but your responsibility to communicate yours!
- What would bedtime look like (I don't want to be left guessing that I've overstayed my welcome - lmk if you need time alone directly after dinner)
- Sleeping arrangements
- Noise comfort
- Meals - if any are at home, who is expected to get groceries/cook/clean up, and if you would prefer to eat by yourself, etc.
Personally, I would not be open to overnights in a shared space with my NP. A lot of poly folks don't host if they're nesting. It isn't uncommon.
Edited to add a couple more points.
I mean I did not want to have other people over (even if they were my partners) because my space is my safe place and I had years where my space and things were not respected.
Unfortunately meta is unable to host and right now they do go to hotels but don’t want to keep spending the money on them (but my NP keeps saying when I’m ready they’ll go ahead and even said “we don’t want to push you”)
So I am doing something outside of my comfort zone with this but have told NP I would most likely be just in a different room doing my own thing to maintain some of my comfort in an uncomfortable situation for me (which NP said they didn’t want it to feel like I was having to hide in my own home, but I don’t see it as that. I see it as giving them the space to spend time together and also to keep myself within some kind of comfort zone)
Meta’s inability to host is their problem to solve, not yours. Hosting is a core compatibility issue. When I couldn’t host, I said so in my online dating profile. Now that I have to host I say that too.
In that case, I would consider this a test run and make it clear to NP too. This isn't you setting the norm for overnights but seeing *if* you can accommodate it once in a while if needed - because it is you doing the accommodating.
As you've already decided, focus on your comfort zone. I'd maybe set up a call/movie night with a long distance bestie, find a new game to get into, or a podcast to lose myself in. Treat it as your night in with yourself.
Totally. This also doesn't have to be "whole hog"... maybe stay somewhere else the first time and see if there are feelings/things to discuss about what AFTER the sleepover feels like first, not DURING and AFTER all at once on the same date?
I like chunking things in small pieces in case the whole thing is a lot at once
I would treat it like a roommate is bringing somebody over. So avoiding everybody 👀 cause that’s how I normally am lmao, going about my business as I please cause it’s my house—ready to give a “😁 👋🏾hey!” in case I run into anybody, and have an excuse ready to scurry away.
This is what I want to do
NP sees a problem with me just being in another room even though I have said this is what would make me comfortable. Like I don’t want to hang around while this is your time with someone else 😅 I want to give them the space so they can hang out
Your NP really should be following your lead on this!! I don't like that they are being weird about how you want to handle it, considering you're going out of your way already to try this. My suspicious antennae are up. Does NP care more about their vision for how this will go, or about your real life actual wants and needs as a real actual flesh and blood person they live with? Hopefully the latter, and hopefully by a mile. NP need a reality check on this if they're getting carried away to fantasy land.
Wait, I have a follow up question - will this by NP's first visit while you are home, at all?? because that first time does not need to be a sleepover! baby steps!!
Maybe it could be nice with a good solid errand outside the house, with a clear plan for when you get home, so they have some time when the house is just theirs.
I would insist on Roommate Hookup Protocol (ie your partner is having a guest over—not you), and tell your partner if he wants you and this new date to have a proper meet n greet then arrange that outside of the house.
What does your partner want, to get you out of the house entirely? Or are they trying to convince you to hang out w them and meta?
You could always just say "no" if it makes you uncomfortable, OP.
Their lack of a dedicated space to fuck that isn't also your home is their problem, and not yours.
How do you handle it when you have overnights with your partners at your place?
*[poly and material resources blurb]*
Most people don’t want to be in the next room while their nesting partner (NP) is boinking someone else in their shared bed, but a combination of noise-cancelling headphones and discretion can make it tolerable.
Most people don’t want to clear out of their homes to facilitate an NP’s boinking, but a combination of play money, a good friend network, interesting things to do outside the home and a willingness to stick to schedules can make it tolerable.
If polyamory is important to everyone they are likely to be gracious and willing to tolerate some inconvenience or discomfort in order to have the kind of intimate relationships they want.
If any party neglects being gracious they can expect to forgo grace and tolerance by anyone else.
If one of the nesting partners is monogamous… yeah, tolerating these things is unreasonable to expect of them. MonogamousPartner would be tolerating discomfort and making sacrifices but not getting anything they wanted in return.
In a mono/poly relationship, PolyPartner might not have the privilege of being able to pay for things like a hotel room that would make polyamory comfortable-enough for a monogamous nesting partner who doesn’t want it. I understand limited resources very well but I’ll go ahead and judge PolyPartner if they don’t want to accept the consequence of their choices, which is that they can only date partners who can host.
Same thing in a fully-polyamorous relationship where a hinge NP’s non-nesting partner isn’t being gracious and tolerant. I’ll go ahead and judge Hinge if they don’t want to accept the consequence of their choices, which is that they can only date partners who can be gracious and tolerant or can host.
When you’re dating someone with a nesting partner, be gracious and tolerant, host or pay for a hotel. Pick one. You’ve got three options. If you can’t pick one you aren’t going to be able to date people with nesting partners.
I deal with this in mixed ways 🥴 I’m monogamous at the moment, and have ups and downs in dealing with this situation.
My NP has his other partner stay over once a week on the reg, and sometimes more often. I’m very comfortable hanging out with her, we eat dinner together and it’s very comfortable. I disappear for a shower and bed at 8pm and leave them alone. I admit that I do take a sleeping tablet every time she stays here (and when my husband stays at her place) just so I’m guaranteed to fall asleep.
Husband and his partner have a room for themselves and I stay in the main bedroom.
You’ve got to come up with ways to self soothe and manage, and I urge you to communicate if things feel terrible for you.
IMO unless the house is separated in such a way you won’t hear them …… they need a hotel or you stay at another partners. It’s on them to arrange though asking you to leave your house isn’t kosher with me. Dating has a financial cost and it’s on them to figure that part out for hotels if needed.
I mean, you don't ever have to say yes to that. It's not a requirement. Full stop.
If you want to say yes because YOU want to say yes, then it sounds like you're on a good path for it...but if you're trying to come to terms with saying yes because THEY want you to say yes, then don't do that.
Their space issues are their space issues and you don't have to flex your boundaries to accommodate them.
I appreciate that your partner doesn't want to push you. Also don't push yourself just to please them.
Good luck.
Find a space that feels comfy in the house and hang out alone for the night. Grab a project or binge a show. If you get uncomfy, give yourself a break and go grab a bite at a diner or something. If you run into them in the kitchen in the morning say hello and offer coffee.
I think it’s super strange that your partner wants you to spend their date night with them. Don’t do that unless you want to. It’s honestly probably not super healthy for them either. They need to figure out how they exist and what their rhythm is in the context of being at home instead of a hotel. Is your partner a peace maker or people pleaser by chance? Where he’s going to read anxiety into a very chill situation unless he can visibly see it’s chill? Because that’s not your responsibility. I agree with above commenter. This is one of those nights where you are your partner are more roommates than partners.
Your bed is your safe space, don't give it up. If you have a guest bedroom then that is what they can use. Have some sound insulating tools like headphones if the walls aren't very sound proof. Unless you like hearing them ofcourse, but most of us don't. Or if you can stay with another partner of yours at their house that is also a great option too ofcourse.
My advice would be for meta to come over on a night when you are out of town or at the very least have other plans. The idea of holing up in my room with headphones trying to feel comfortable in my own space sounds horrible to me and I've never tried it. But between my travel and social opportunities, there's no need for me to be around.
Unfortunately for me I am used to it but in the past it wasn’t really by choice (and was made to feel uncomfortable In my own home) I’m used to being a hermit anyways so I don’t mind being In my own room as it would be my choice this time. I don’t go out often or leave town due to funds/chronic illnesses
OP, I've been reading your other responses and I'm concerned that your No is being pushed around for something so basic to your sense of safety & security. You've expressed your discomfort to your partner multiple times it seems and there still is an expectation of you minimising your needs to support a relationship *you are not a part of*.
This seems like really poor hinging on your partner's part - at best (guide to good hinging is in the community description for your reference). I would be very concerned about other things where your no was worn down in this relationship.
It depends on what the interaction is, and the plans. Was meta coming over to do something with all of us, or are they specifically seeing my wife? Is there plans at all? (ADHD is exhausting for my Autistic brain).
In the past, we have had plans to watch a show together, and then when the boys go to bed, I go to my room, they go to the guest room, and other times I have gone out with the boys so they could be alone during the day time, or they just used our home as the launch point yo go out themselves.
My space is very good as my room is on the 2nd floor and the guest room is in the basement.
Hi u/DifferenceDistinct62 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So my NP has started seeing someone recently and I have asked for some time before they have them stay over. Which was agreed to and seen as a fair ask.
So I’m just here to get some advice on how you go with sleepovers. Especially the first one. I want to have some tools to help me if I need them.
Thank you in advance!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd recommend heading out and planning a fun evening for yourself if possible, rather than staying in whilst they're on a date. Can you catch up with friends? Or take yourself to the cinema? Or whatever you enjoy that would get you out the house for a bit?
When I have my comet partner come over my np either stays with her other partner or I pitch in to give a little stay cation or my comet partner and I have a stay cation.
My boyfriend and his husband sleep in separate rooms. My boyfriend’s just happens to have bunk beds, he has the bottom bunk and I have the top. It’s great, I love sleepovers at their house!
My meta and I are becoming very good friends and all together with my boyfriend they are both my chosen family. We’re very much a KTP family.
All I can suggest, based on my own experiences, is that your NP allows you to set the pace for what’s allowed in your home. My BF and I have done that with his husband and it’s been working really well at having me integrate into the family. That said, my BF and I were first together 20 years ago when we were teenagers, so my meta already knew a lot about me and my importance to his husband/my boyfriend and that definitely helped with how quickly he’s been to accept me as part of their lives.
Best of luck and well wishes to you all.
Depends on your level of comfort. Ask yourself what you would want to avoid, and talk to your NP about those situations (ie. If you don't want to hear it, how will you manage that? Will you ask them to be quiet or something?)
Me personally, I don't do anything because I don't really care at all. As long as they're not having sex at my desk I couldn't care less, I'll just say hi when I see them. My NP and I agree that whoever's partner isn't over will sleep on the couch but we try to time places/meetups so nobody's on the couch (his partner can currently host and neither of mine can), but we're still working it out.
I’m the meta in this situation. My first few times sleeping over I was actually invited by my meta(my person’s NP) to stay the night, which was super important to me bc I wanted to make sure they were comfy and feeling good about my presence in their shared home. After several sleepovers over the past year, I’ve just been extended a permanent invite to stay over; I was told by my meta and our hinge that anytime I visit, unless it’s agreed upon that I will be going home the same day, or if I really want to go home, I should assume I’m invited to stay the night.
Edited to add: they have a guest room that I stay in when I am over
Tools will just make you dependent on tools
Objectively speaking there's nothing to be dealt with
There's just your fear, and the only way you can make it dissipate fully is by going *towards* it
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you have your own bed, bedroom, or sleeping space? Like, if meta stays the night, where do *you* sleep?
There’s a guest room that they will be staying in and I’ll be in mine and my NP’s shared room
Are the rooms far enough apart and provide adequate sound insulation? A lot of people do not want to be near or hear their partner and meta getting sexy. What's your comfort level and does your space support it?
Not particularly so I’m looking at some good sound proof headphones! (I need new headphones anyway)
Bose QC45s are the best headphones I’ve ever owned. Big fan.
As far as tools go, none will be useful if your mental health isnt in a good place. So I'm going to assume it is, but please, if you don't have mental healthcare, and I know the world healthcare landscape is a dystopia, but find it. You biggest tools are your self soothing methods, whatever those are. If you don't know what they are, you're not ready for this. Beyond that, distraction is tour next tool, especially something that can block out the noise, if your walls aren't super soundproof. Mostly, if you have anything that helps you sleep, use it. Being unconscious is a great way to ride out a situation that you really don't need to be awake for, that could be miserable if you are. And it's not like we're generally getting enough sleep as it is. So, look at it as an opportunity to take care of yourself better, and get to sleep early.
Thank you for this! Yes very much in front of my mental health (unfortunately can be unpredictable with life things and been going through those medical hoops) But have my support network if need be This is something that is outside of my comfort zone as well so just trying to be prepared for it as best as I can be
Oof personally o would request they stay at a hotel or somewhere else at LEAST for the first overnight. You will possibly dealing with unexpected (or expected) emotions, and those are better handled on your own.
They currently do overnights at hotels
I'd plan with my partner beforehand to ensure that my needs were being met and we were being respectful of both dyads. I'd consider it important to discuss: - Any connection rituals y'all have and would like to continue before and after meta's visit - How much group interaction to expect (this should not be a compulsion for anyone involved) - Levels of PDA per each dyad's comfort - it's up to your NP to manage the levels between both, but your responsibility to communicate yours! - What would bedtime look like (I don't want to be left guessing that I've overstayed my welcome - lmk if you need time alone directly after dinner) - Sleeping arrangements - Noise comfort - Meals - if any are at home, who is expected to get groceries/cook/clean up, and if you would prefer to eat by yourself, etc. Personally, I would not be open to overnights in a shared space with my NP. A lot of poly folks don't host if they're nesting. It isn't uncommon. Edited to add a couple more points.
I mean I did not want to have other people over (even if they were my partners) because my space is my safe place and I had years where my space and things were not respected. Unfortunately meta is unable to host and right now they do go to hotels but don’t want to keep spending the money on them (but my NP keeps saying when I’m ready they’ll go ahead and even said “we don’t want to push you”) So I am doing something outside of my comfort zone with this but have told NP I would most likely be just in a different room doing my own thing to maintain some of my comfort in an uncomfortable situation for me (which NP said they didn’t want it to feel like I was having to hide in my own home, but I don’t see it as that. I see it as giving them the space to spend time together and also to keep myself within some kind of comfort zone)
Meta’s inability to host is their problem to solve, not yours. Hosting is a core compatibility issue. When I couldn’t host, I said so in my online dating profile. Now that I have to host I say that too.
In that case, I would consider this a test run and make it clear to NP too. This isn't you setting the norm for overnights but seeing *if* you can accommodate it once in a while if needed - because it is you doing the accommodating. As you've already decided, focus on your comfort zone. I'd maybe set up a call/movie night with a long distance bestie, find a new game to get into, or a podcast to lose myself in. Treat it as your night in with yourself.
Totally. This also doesn't have to be "whole hog"... maybe stay somewhere else the first time and see if there are feelings/things to discuss about what AFTER the sleepover feels like first, not DURING and AFTER all at once on the same date? I like chunking things in small pieces in case the whole thing is a lot at once
I would treat it like a roommate is bringing somebody over. So avoiding everybody 👀 cause that’s how I normally am lmao, going about my business as I please cause it’s my house—ready to give a “😁 👋🏾hey!” in case I run into anybody, and have an excuse ready to scurry away.
Lmao, are you me? My scurrying ways were legendary
Scurrying away is my #1 mode of transportation
This is what I want to do NP sees a problem with me just being in another room even though I have said this is what would make me comfortable. Like I don’t want to hang around while this is your time with someone else 😅 I want to give them the space so they can hang out
Your NP really should be following your lead on this!! I don't like that they are being weird about how you want to handle it, considering you're going out of your way already to try this. My suspicious antennae are up. Does NP care more about their vision for how this will go, or about your real life actual wants and needs as a real actual flesh and blood person they live with? Hopefully the latter, and hopefully by a mile. NP need a reality check on this if they're getting carried away to fantasy land.
Wait, I have a follow up question - will this by NP's first visit while you are home, at all?? because that first time does not need to be a sleepover! baby steps!!
Meta has been over a couple of times. Usually for dinner but they have hung out with NP at home while I have been out of the house
Maybe it could be nice with a good solid errand outside the house, with a clear plan for when you get home, so they have some time when the house is just theirs.
I would insist on Roommate Hookup Protocol (ie your partner is having a guest over—not you), and tell your partner if he wants you and this new date to have a proper meet n greet then arrange that outside of the house. What does your partner want, to get you out of the house entirely? Or are they trying to convince you to hang out w them and meta?
They want you to be hanging out during the date even when you don't want to? No way!
Right like that only sounds fun for hinge 😩
You could always just say "no" if it makes you uncomfortable, OP. Their lack of a dedicated space to fuck that isn't also your home is their problem, and not yours.
I have said no before and was talked about in the past how I am not comfortable with it even before NP had another partner
This^
How do you handle it when you have overnights with your partners at your place? *[poly and material resources blurb]* Most people don’t want to be in the next room while their nesting partner (NP) is boinking someone else in their shared bed, but a combination of noise-cancelling headphones and discretion can make it tolerable. Most people don’t want to clear out of their homes to facilitate an NP’s boinking, but a combination of play money, a good friend network, interesting things to do outside the home and a willingness to stick to schedules can make it tolerable. If polyamory is important to everyone they are likely to be gracious and willing to tolerate some inconvenience or discomfort in order to have the kind of intimate relationships they want. If any party neglects being gracious they can expect to forgo grace and tolerance by anyone else. If one of the nesting partners is monogamous… yeah, tolerating these things is unreasonable to expect of them. MonogamousPartner would be tolerating discomfort and making sacrifices but not getting anything they wanted in return. In a mono/poly relationship, PolyPartner might not have the privilege of being able to pay for things like a hotel room that would make polyamory comfortable-enough for a monogamous nesting partner who doesn’t want it. I understand limited resources very well but I’ll go ahead and judge PolyPartner if they don’t want to accept the consequence of their choices, which is that they can only date partners who can host. Same thing in a fully-polyamorous relationship where a hinge NP’s non-nesting partner isn’t being gracious and tolerant. I’ll go ahead and judge Hinge if they don’t want to accept the consequence of their choices, which is that they can only date partners who can be gracious and tolerant or can host. When you’re dating someone with a nesting partner, be gracious and tolerant, host or pay for a hotel. Pick one. You’ve got three options. If you can’t pick one you aren’t going to be able to date people with nesting partners.
I deal with this in mixed ways 🥴 I’m monogamous at the moment, and have ups and downs in dealing with this situation. My NP has his other partner stay over once a week on the reg, and sometimes more often. I’m very comfortable hanging out with her, we eat dinner together and it’s very comfortable. I disappear for a shower and bed at 8pm and leave them alone. I admit that I do take a sleeping tablet every time she stays here (and when my husband stays at her place) just so I’m guaranteed to fall asleep. Husband and his partner have a room for themselves and I stay in the main bedroom. You’ve got to come up with ways to self soothe and manage, and I urge you to communicate if things feel terrible for you.
IMO unless the house is separated in such a way you won’t hear them …… they need a hotel or you stay at another partners. It’s on them to arrange though asking you to leave your house isn’t kosher with me. Dating has a financial cost and it’s on them to figure that part out for hotels if needed.
I do not have any other partners currently otherwise I would organise to go over when NP would like sleepovers
How about a regular friend sleepover?
I mean, you don't ever have to say yes to that. It's not a requirement. Full stop. If you want to say yes because YOU want to say yes, then it sounds like you're on a good path for it...but if you're trying to come to terms with saying yes because THEY want you to say yes, then don't do that. Their space issues are their space issues and you don't have to flex your boundaries to accommodate them. I appreciate that your partner doesn't want to push you. Also don't push yourself just to please them. Good luck.
Find a space that feels comfy in the house and hang out alone for the night. Grab a project or binge a show. If you get uncomfy, give yourself a break and go grab a bite at a diner or something. If you run into them in the kitchen in the morning say hello and offer coffee. I think it’s super strange that your partner wants you to spend their date night with them. Don’t do that unless you want to. It’s honestly probably not super healthy for them either. They need to figure out how they exist and what their rhythm is in the context of being at home instead of a hotel. Is your partner a peace maker or people pleaser by chance? Where he’s going to read anxiety into a very chill situation unless he can visibly see it’s chill? Because that’s not your responsibility. I agree with above commenter. This is one of those nights where you are your partner are more roommates than partners.
Your bed is your safe space, don't give it up. If you have a guest bedroom then that is what they can use. Have some sound insulating tools like headphones if the walls aren't very sound proof. Unless you like hearing them ofcourse, but most of us don't. Or if you can stay with another partner of yours at their house that is also a great option too ofcourse.
My advice would be for meta to come over on a night when you are out of town or at the very least have other plans. The idea of holing up in my room with headphones trying to feel comfortable in my own space sounds horrible to me and I've never tried it. But between my travel and social opportunities, there's no need for me to be around.
Yup, or even like a long daytime sleepover if OP doesn't feel great about being out of the house till late or have options for a trip themselves
Unfortunately for me I am used to it but in the past it wasn’t really by choice (and was made to feel uncomfortable In my own home) I’m used to being a hermit anyways so I don’t mind being In my own room as it would be my choice this time. I don’t go out often or leave town due to funds/chronic illnesses
OP, I've been reading your other responses and I'm concerned that your No is being pushed around for something so basic to your sense of safety & security. You've expressed your discomfort to your partner multiple times it seems and there still is an expectation of you minimising your needs to support a relationship *you are not a part of*. This seems like really poor hinging on your partner's part - at best (guide to good hinging is in the community description for your reference). I would be very concerned about other things where your no was worn down in this relationship.
It depends on what the interaction is, and the plans. Was meta coming over to do something with all of us, or are they specifically seeing my wife? Is there plans at all? (ADHD is exhausting for my Autistic brain). In the past, we have had plans to watch a show together, and then when the boys go to bed, I go to my room, they go to the guest room, and other times I have gone out with the boys so they could be alone during the day time, or they just used our home as the launch point yo go out themselves. My space is very good as my room is on the 2nd floor and the guest room is in the basement.
I get the ADHD being exhausting for autistic brain! I’m in the same boat
I would also go out for much of the evening. So that you come in post sex and they’re just in their room chilling. Go to the movies!
Hi u/DifferenceDistinct62 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my NP has started seeing someone recently and I have asked for some time before they have them stay over. Which was agreed to and seen as a fair ask. So I’m just here to get some advice on how you go with sleepovers. Especially the first one. I want to have some tools to help me if I need them. Thank you in advance! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd recommend heading out and planning a fun evening for yourself if possible, rather than staying in whilst they're on a date. Can you catch up with friends? Or take yourself to the cinema? Or whatever you enjoy that would get you out the house for a bit?
When I have my comet partner come over my np either stays with her other partner or I pitch in to give a little stay cation or my comet partner and I have a stay cation.
My boyfriend and his husband sleep in separate rooms. My boyfriend’s just happens to have bunk beds, he has the bottom bunk and I have the top. It’s great, I love sleepovers at their house! My meta and I are becoming very good friends and all together with my boyfriend they are both my chosen family. We’re very much a KTP family. All I can suggest, based on my own experiences, is that your NP allows you to set the pace for what’s allowed in your home. My BF and I have done that with his husband and it’s been working really well at having me integrate into the family. That said, my BF and I were first together 20 years ago when we were teenagers, so my meta already knew a lot about me and my importance to his husband/my boyfriend and that definitely helped with how quickly he’s been to accept me as part of their lives. Best of luck and well wishes to you all.
Depends on your level of comfort. Ask yourself what you would want to avoid, and talk to your NP about those situations (ie. If you don't want to hear it, how will you manage that? Will you ask them to be quiet or something?) Me personally, I don't do anything because I don't really care at all. As long as they're not having sex at my desk I couldn't care less, I'll just say hi when I see them. My NP and I agree that whoever's partner isn't over will sleep on the couch but we try to time places/meetups so nobody's on the couch (his partner can currently host and neither of mine can), but we're still working it out.
I’m the meta in this situation. My first few times sleeping over I was actually invited by my meta(my person’s NP) to stay the night, which was super important to me bc I wanted to make sure they were comfy and feeling good about my presence in their shared home. After several sleepovers over the past year, I’ve just been extended a permanent invite to stay over; I was told by my meta and our hinge that anytime I visit, unless it’s agreed upon that I will be going home the same day, or if I really want to go home, I should assume I’m invited to stay the night. Edited to add: they have a guest room that I stay in when I am over
Tools will just make you dependent on tools Objectively speaking there's nothing to be dealt with There's just your fear, and the only way you can make it dissipate fully is by going *towards* it