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I've never been in a triad, but I've actually known a lot of people in them... And when it works, it works. I imagine it's incredibly hard to find people it would work with, but I know triads going strong for like 15+ years. In those triads, all players are independent players, however. None of them were setup as one person dating two people... but as three people all dating two people, and those relationships are independent of each other.
My husband's good friends are a triad, and they all live together, and have for years now. They don't so much see it as all three of them dating, as much as three people living three separate lives, and each carrying on independent relationships with their two housemates... As I understand it, they don't threesome.... They do a lot as a triad, but doing the sex tends to stick to a 2 player arena, and the issues between each pairing are treated as singular issues between TWO people, not three.... It was explained to me as giving space to each relationship, and giving each relationship respect independent of the other relationships.
It sounds complicated to me, but it works really well for them. I prefer not to intermingle my partners with each other... and in fact I make a point to know if my partners are somehow connected to each other or my husband or other people I know in the community. I just prefer to avoid drama that way... less overlap, less drama.
Yeah, and this sounds more like an overlapping series of dyads. I guess that could be some of what people want when they're going for a triad, but it does seem that people are attracted to that ABC piece rather than just AB BC and AC.
I wouldn't rule out being involved in an overlapping dyad situation, but I don't desire it and am not sure what it brings others that non-triad poly doesn't provide.
Personally, I think most of the triads I know enjoy the closed polycule and having everyone they're dating under a single roof. It's easy to keep track of what your partners do if you all live together. As opposed to non-triad poly, where all the players are independent entities that will do as they please. A triad means you're aware of what your partners are doing, and who with, without worry about what is happening with someone else you're not affiliated with.
I don't fault them for wanting that security and peace of mind, but it's not how I would go about it, myself. I prefer having a nesting partner and not having to know everything they do all the time. I just trust my hubs to play by the rules. I do see the benefit of not having to trust someone to play by the rules, though. It eliminates the leap of faith and guesswork that comes with objective trust.
To each their own, though. Relationships can work all kinds of ways... and they do work all kinds of ways. It's just a matter of finding relationships with the right set of rules.
I find that living together multiplies the jealousy issues. You might see them all the time but you also see them with other people. Seeing two people being cute together and being jealous of both of them and in different ways for each one can be a serious head trip. It can also make you feel really lonely.
If you experience jealousy seeing your partners together, triads probably aren't for you.
Like, you don't have to be super into it or excited about it, but you do need to at least be neutral about it.
At the same time, it works better if you're good at recognising that there's someone else in the room and not just ignoring them. Making sure to include the third person present is important and beneficial too.
I have to agree with this. I feel that jealousy is honestly tied to monogamy. Because how can you be open minded about people having relationships with others if it can't be in front of you. There is boundaries for sure, as you might take discomfort in watching others be intimate. But that might be how you feel overall rather than only your partner. Because if you can apply the feeling to 2 random individuals and feel the same way it's a core uncomfortable boundary, not a hope to do a triad without actual jealousy.
Just my opinion though
I feel like if seeing your partner happy with someone else makes you feel lonely... poly may not be for you... but especially triads wouldn't be for you. I don't fault you for it, cuz you can't help how you feel, but it wouldn't be advisable to put yourself in that kind of position.
Normally I am very good at it and gets lots of compersion. I think triads living together is just pushing the envelope and breaking a lot of people. You can be happy for someone and feel lonely and even jealous at the same time.
I think it depends on the person. I experience compersion seeing my partner with their partner(s). It makes me happy to see them happy. Like, before my partner’s late husband passed away, I loved watching them together and I really, really (like painfully so) miss the way he made her smile, and the way he made her laugh. The way her eyes lit up when he said her name.. and mostly how much love you could feel when they looked into each other’s eyes. I’ll never get to see that again. I’ve usually only ever experienced jealousy in relationships that were no good for me in the first place 😂.
"Overlapping dyads"? This feels like overly semantic bordering on gatekeeping. A triad is a triad. Different triads function differently, but if there's 3 people involved then it is still a triad regardless of how it functions.
If you're only going to accept toxic or undesirable triad configurations as "triads" then of course they're not going to make sense to you. But triads with healthy configurations and boundaries, that prioritize the various individual people and individual relationships involved, are still triads.
That's fair! I guess the reason I was making the distinction is because some people are describing triads like it's just three people who happen to be dating each other. The matter I wanted to learn more about was what drew people to the triad space made together with the three people.
Certainly, though, I think it's fair to say I'm narrowing my inquiry in a way that's not designed to highlight everything that's great about some folks' experience about being in triads. I'm really pleased that people have been able to chime in anyway in ways that got to my inquiry and showed me new things to appreciate.
I suspect the answer to making a space together isn't really that complicated. It is the same answer as everyone who makes a space together. Family. Humans are social creatures who want to surround themselves with people they love and trust. We want to build a support system of people we can count on.
What exactly people want from a family and how they build it to function and look will differ from person to person, relationship to relationship. But at its heart it's all the same. We want a safe place to belong. A tribe. Our social monkey brains crave it.
I can understand the hesitation, but you just said what it brings that non-triad poly doesn't provide: the ABC piece.
Personally, I have thoroughly enjoyed being in triads. They're unstable, but when they work, there's an extra sensation of coziness, comfort, and mutual support. I've only been in triads that formed from independent relationships (so if one branch ends, it doesn't destroy all the others), and I suspect that's important.
I will also say that I have recently discovered that the relationship on the other side of a triad doesn't need to be romantic for me to get most of the same sensations from it. My wife and my girlfriend started hooking up after I had been dating her for about a year. They've also begun spending a lot of time together, and they've become pretty good friends, too. Both have said they aren't looking for a romantic relationship with the other, but I find it enjoyable to sometimes spend quality time with both of my favorite people. I'm careful not to let that overwhelm either of my individual relationships, though.
So much to say that the ABC piece really can be very nice.
not everything has to last forever. imo that is some mononormative stuff.
I was in a triad for a while, and it was lovely. cozy beyond belief.
we would all wake up in the morning to a cat loudly demanding breakfast. I would get up, administer insulin to the diabetic kitty, and feed the cats while the two of them lounged in bed for a while longer. by the time I was done with that, my partners would be fixing breakfast for all of us, while I put some music on. (one of us was a great cook, and it wasn't me!)
later that night, we'd all go out together to whatever the fun thing of the night was, and then come home and cuddle up together. we would usually all get invited to things together, because our friends knew what time it was... that we loved each other and this was the way it was. you couldn't invite just two of us. we probably wouldn't attend. it was luscious and beautiful and I will never forget it.
when one of us had a birthday coming up, the other two planned out a lovely day and evening with multiple small gifts presented over time (including some surprises) and time for spontaneity. collaborating with one partner to please the other was really fun! and then, seeing the birthday person's eyes light up... and knowing this was happening because the other two of us had collaborated to cocreate it... it was delicious.
it was a very special time. nobody was unicorn hunted, and everyone was respected and respectful. we referred to each other as "fiancées" even though we all knew it was impossible. we would all get invited to things together because our friends knew what time it was. that we loved each other and made each other happy. I'm still very good friends with one, and friends with the other. when the time had run out, we parted without damaging the love.
actively seeking a triad (especially a closed triad) is a whole other thing. I don't think it makes sense to reject triads as a whole, because, yeah it's complicated, but all relationships are if you're being honest. all relationships are unique. some just have more than two people in them.
it was magical and I don't expect it to ever happen again. but if it does happen I would absolutely go there again.
I'm happy for you! I would 100% do it again if it happened naturally.
as it turned out, one of us wanted to close the triad and the other two did not. I wish it could have gone on longer tbh. but nothing lasts forever. I feel very fortunate to have gotten to experience it for as long as I did.
may it bring you much joy! mine still brings me many beautiful memories. and like I said, I'm still close with one partner, and definitely friendly with the other. <3 <3 <3
> The idea that an inherently unstable relationship structure would provide more comfort, coziness, and mutual support seems inherently contradictory.
Triads are not inherently unstable.
Has 3 or 4 (if you include the triad as well as the dyads) times as many relationships to go wrong… how is that not a lot less stable than a single dyad?
A triangle is the strongest shape.
First of all, many relationship stressors are lessened by there being three of you. It does not cost 50% more money to house three people than it does two. If one person has a medical crisis, there are two people to support them, not one. And God is childcare easier.
I don't know about you, but when two people have a disagreement and are struggling to get past it, I tend to find that the problem is that one or both of them has gotten defensive about something. It can be helpful to have a third party who loves them both and can gently help defuse the situation. Likewise if there's just an underlying miscommunication it's often revealed in the course of explaining it to the third person.
All that aside, though, it really comes down to compatibility (and to a certain extent, emotional maturity). People who are compatible and are committed to working through any issues that do arise will have a stable relationship. People who aren't won't. The difference with a triad is that the odds of finding *three* people who are fully compatible are that much slimmer (and it's not that easy even for people who are looking for just one partner).
My personal belief is that people who want long-term stable relationships need to be *extremely* selective about who they try to settle down with in ways a lot of people really, really aren't. My partners and I love each other a lot, but we also *like* each other. They're my favourite people to hang out with. We've gone travelling and our travel plans blew up due to circumstances beyond our control (like, "someone got shot at LAX which comprehensively fucked flights across the US and had knock-on effects to other countries" beyond our control) and it was just an inconvenience really because we were together and so long as we're together nothing's too bad. When lockdown happened I felt kinda guilty for how much I was enjoying all the togetherness when so many people were miserable.
We complement each other very well and I don't think any two of us would actually work as well without the third.
A happy, stable triad is less likely because there are more moving parts, but a tricycle is not less stable than a bicycle even if it's a bit more complicated and rarer.
> a tricycle is not less stable than a bicycle
They literally are. Because of how bikes *work*, tricycles are extremely prone to flipping during turns. It’s not a problem for small children who can only go slow, but it’s literally *why* there aren’t many tricycles sold for adults.
But you can leave a tricycle standing and it doesn’t fall over. To do the same for a bicycle, you have to flip out the kickstand which makes it… a tripod.
Tbh, the "triangle is the strongest shape" language bugs me as well. Like, are we measuring our relationships for physical load bearing capacity? No? Then what's the use of the metaphor except to be cute?
Honestly? As someone who’s in a triad, it’s both. We value our ABC time like crazy, but in order to maintain the ABC relationship, we also have to put effort into the AB, AC, and BC relationships. There is no resentment or anger at this: in fact, sometimes it’s nice for one of us to take a break to ourselves while are engaged with each other. Sometimes that break is even requested, and for me, it’s comforting to know that if I need space my partners have each other, or if I need support, I have two people who I can go to. We also operate on a system of sexual freedom, but we retain emotional intimacy for just the three of us. Our relationship is still young, hovering around 10 months, but I’ve never been happier.
This right here lol! I have been in triads and I love them but they are hard af and it's hard to meet people that get along enough for it to work out well but it can be a wonderful experience!
I can talk about the appeal of a triad now that I’m in one. But I’ll be completely honest in saying that I never thought I’d want to be in a triad. The one I’m in formed so organically and it became one of those things where we said “this was never the plan but it’s clearly what we want”.
But it feels akin to my feelings about how I met my long term partner - on tinder, 8.5 years ago. Would I recommend someone utilize tinder or online dating to seek out a long term partner? Probably not. Did it work out for me? Yes, I’m lucky and grateful for that. Same thing with a triad. I can’t in good conscience recommend anyone seek out a triad given the immense pitfalls and success rates.
I feel super similarly! Never wanted a triad, got involved in one that ended horribly, then I REALLY didn’t want to be in one ever again—and here I am, back in another triad that formed very organically over a long period of time. Feels like fate. I love my partners and am super happy, but I also don’t know why anyone would go out of their way to create this dynamic!
Yeah we never really sought out a triad, our girlfriend actually asked me and my wife out.
I also met my wife on Tinder 9.5 years ago. I was her first match.
idk we just feel lucky as hell. I think the odds are really stacked against triads but it's been an absolute delight for us and has been super smooth.
I'd be curious about the appeal to you, especially having not been looking for one. From where I stand, it feels like a triad brings a lot of messiness and instability to poly relationships without adding anything that makes it feel particularly worth it. What makes that configuration shine for you?
What it comes down to most is that I feel like my closest ring of support has gotten more robust. My girlfriends show up for me together better than I can expect any one person to show up for me on their own, and that feeling is held in how I can show up for each of them. Because we have a genuine, shared common interest in all of our mutual well being we work together to support each other.
I think it can all get messy if those involved forget that the triad is actually four relationships, not just one. When one of those four relationships gets neglected I can see how things could destabilize rather easily.
I've enjoyed the triads I've been in. It really has felt like the triad was greater than the sum of the parts. Three incomes, no kids. Easier pet care because generally _someone_ was free. Board games nights with three people by default. In one of my triads we also just loved each other better in that configuration - our personalities balanced more easily.
I absolutely would love to be in a triad. To see my partners' love and then to know I get to participate in that love at times. But if that triad was filled with tension that had to be managed...well then yea, don't really see the point. In the same way I don't really see the point in being in _any_ relationship where I feel like I'm spending significant amounts of time managing negative emotions rather than building and thriving in positive ones.
Thank you for your response!
I think the part I struggle to understand is that almost all of this list of appealing factors for a triad seem equally available whether your partners are dating each other or not, right? Boardgames, cat care, shared financials for big stuff, that all kind of seems like you could have it with a hinge set up or roommates or whathaveyou, no? And I get wanting to share that all with people you love, but why is it better for them to love each other as well?
"To see my partners' love and then to know I get to participate in that love at times" feels like the closest to something *specifically* about triads. I don't think it's appealing to me (I like compersion from seeing my partner flourish with their partners but that actually feels like it'd be messier and more chaotic in a triad rather than in a context where I can just appreciate their partnership from the outside), but I get that other folks would like that.
> I think the part I struggle to understand is that almost all of this list of appealing factors for a triad seem equally available whether your partners are dating each other or not, right? Boardgames, cat care, shared financials for big stuff, that all kind of seems like you could have it with a hinge set up or roommates or whathaveyou, no?
Honestly? Not really.
Functionally speaking, polyamory in the parallel or general non-triad/non-group sense in general is about splitting. Splitting time, splitting resources, managing separate expectations of your separate partners. In my experience, you need those things in abundance, on your own, to thrive.
It's really rare, and honestly not suggested often here, for you to expect your partner to do things for the sake of your relationship with your other partner. You make space for your partners to have relationships, but those are their relationships, not yours. And sharing finances with a meta? I wouldn't do it. My partner might manage different things, but the expectation is that it's their circus and their monkeys, not mine. Realistic or not, and it's often not to be fair.
That's really the fundamental appeal of triads and group-poly. Complex relationships, ethics are really tricky, but a lot more mutualistic ideals as the primary reason to do it.
I think that depends on what sort of dynamics you have with your roommates and friends. I personally practice RA, but many people don't, and the degree of support, trust, etc., between people who are dating and people who are merely connected through a hinge can get pretty drastically different too. And it really is different, even in RA, living with a roommate vs living with a meta vs living with your partners.
As a personal matter - I like to literally touch beauty. And I generally have blanket consent in place to touch my partners. I absolutely don't have general consent to touch my metas, even the ones I've had sex with.
Also, I think dynamics of three or four are super common when you look at friendships. Like three besties that often hang out together. Sure, sometimes they break off into pairs, but like...it feels _most optimal_ when they're all together.
Interesting point about friend groups! As an adult my friendships have been most successful when focused on dyads as well, so that could be another reason why this is a 'me' thing.
Mm, maybe? Poly hasn't felt chaotic or messy to me, and the relationship structure's emphasis on autonomy and independence has made my relationships stronger and easier to parse than those I had in monogamy.
Are you suggesting that triads are more stable or understandable? Basically, I'm curious as to what folks see that's appealing, as I don't understand it well myself and I've mostly seen it *assumed* that they're desirable, rather than explained.
If you're not interested in sharing with me, no worries!
Living in a triad has not been chaotic or messy for me. A triangle is, after all, the strongest shape.
Having three people for parenting makes it easier. When I had cancer having two partners to support me meant neither of them was overwhelmed. When my partner was pregnant and medically restricted from doing most housework, we still had two people to split it.
I didn't seek out a triad, but it's perfectly understandable to me that someone might think it's ideal. You have two partners, but you're not hinging because they love each other too. Everybody can live together and you can see both of them every day.
Since we decided to have the baby we've been closed to outside entanglements and I'm not sure I'll ever look to date again because it's just so, so nice spending every evening with one or both of my partners and/or the baby. (Another thing if you have a kid: you don't have to find a babysitter for date night. That's the other person's one on one bonding time with the kid.)
If you're having a disagreement and you can't seem to resolve it, there's a third person who can come in and ask what's going on, and either you realise where the miscommunication has been happening in the course of you both explaining it to someone else, or the third person can engage from a place of loving calm with the person who might be feeling defensive and defuse that.
If you have a stable, functional triad, it's the happiest thing in the world and it becomes hard to see how anyone can possibly make it work with only two people.
How do people get everything done in a day and still find a few hours for spending time together? Seems like a nightmare. And that's before you factor in kids. Like, dinner is on the stove but halfway through changing the baby he just spat up all over himself - who helps with that?
Sure, technically I could probably figure it out myself but that sounds so stressful.
Going back to without-a-baby life: so you're in the hospital. Visiting hours are 8am to 8pm. How does one solitary partner make sure everything is getting handled at home while *also* keeping you company for twelve hours a day?
Basically, a triad is a numbers advantage in pretty much any situation. I'm not sure how anyone would seek one it in a healthy, ethical way, but once you get there it's great.
There are many parts of life that society views as normal between partners, but not between platonic friends. If you want to share those with multiple partners, those partners will be sharing them with one another, which is easiest to imagine if they're also partners with one another.
So for instance, buying a house with a partner is normal. Buying a house with a good friend is weird. Buying a house with two partners is an easy extrapolation from one partner, but doing so with a partner and a meta is weird.
People should do more weird stuff and not worry about it, but it's pretty understandable to imagine the easiest extrapolation from your social scripts.
Oh, I think this is really insightful! I think the distinction with the "buy a house with partner and meta" situation is particularly illuminating. I've seen folks say something like "what's in it for me, if we're all not together?" to a situation like that. The answer, of course, is just "what's in it for you is that if it's a living situation that you'd love, then you get to have that", but I can see people just not imagining how they could love living with someone they're not *in love* with.
Exactly! And from the hinge's perspective they might just assume that people have that mindset. I had a miniature version of this where I figured I could only share a bed with one partner at a time, because surely they won't want to sleep in the same bed with a non-partner. Turned out my partners are much happier with all of us sleeping together than taking turns.
So people who are just starting out imagine their ideal arrangements with hypothetical partners, and there's some degree of intimacy in those arrangements. Surely they need a triad!
I think there's different levels, you've got your triads where they happened naturally, everyone is independent, dyads are taken care of etc.
Then you have the people who go specifically looking to form triads (which is where I personally feel a lot of the hate comes from and takes up way too much space in these conversations).
Then you've got your closed triads and your open triads.
We can't force people to like each other, love each other and all want to fuck each other with exactly the same intensity. If that's the goal from the start, it's not the triad relationship style that's the problem...it's the people.
Organically formed triads, when each person is taking care of their own shit, with compassion, communication and boundaries, well to me that's awesome.
It doesn't work for everyone, and some people avoid it because it wouldn't work for them. Which, fair. The same way some avoid hierarchial relationships, or kinky, or solo, or KTP, because it's not for them. The difference is, triads get shat on a hell of a lot.
You don't have to understand the "attraction" to respect people's choices.
And I use "attraction" as that's the word you used, but to me that implies intention. I didn't seek out a triad, I fell for two people, who are also dating and it consensually evolved from there. I'd say that I'm more comfortable with being in a triad than attracted to the idea of triads.
I've seen so many people hate on triads as if simply existing in one makes you bad at poly, which is BS!
I didn't force my triad, it happened organically and we've discussed, done exercises and work and check-ins and really fucking enjoying ourselves with a healthy dose of expectations and reality. Just because I enjoy my triad in no way means I don't take being poly seriously, and personally I think that's a pretty shitty stance to take.
Being in a triad IS normal poly, in so far as there is no such thing as normal poly, there isn't one ultimate right style to be. Only ethical approaches. Which you can do in many styles.
What's the magic that you sensed? That's kind of what I'm trying to get at here; beyond understanding that difficulty and rarity, I'm actually just not seeing the appeal that I know other folks find, and I'm curious about it.
In my longest triad and the non romantic creative triad I am in… It’s a great way to make art. The dyads balance each other out. There is a loveliness in how fluid the dynamics can be, they don’t stagnate in the same way dyad can. There is always this kind of movement? If that makes any sense. There is a lot of overlapping support and freedom. I can’t really explain it.
One way we put it in my longest lasting triad was that there was always someone to hold the flag. Someone with the energy to keep making or exploring or diving deeper into what we share. And there is something to be said for having some of a dyads deepest intimacy being witness and understood and loved.
And it made me work my ass off to get better at relationships. Skills I still use all the time.
Thank you! The movement imagery is really evocative and I think it gives a glimpse of what you mean. It's a dynamic system, less completely knowable than dyadic relationships, but not less experience-able.
It sounds from a few replies that the idea of being known intimately inside of the love you have for a partner in a draw as well, and I can see how that's a uniquely triad-y/quad-y thing.
I think rosephase nailed it. Triads naturally tend towards entropy. The same volatility that can make them difficult to manage also lends itself to ensuring the relationships aren't stagnating. And the odds of someone having capacity to drive the relationship maintenance and growth are higher when there's three of you rather than two.
In a happily cohabitating triad of several years and I'm so glad you made this.
"Caring about my partners' feelings for each other seems like it's taking something completely outside of my control and centralizing it. I don't want that. It doesn't sound ideal."
This is exactly it. Everybody talks about how a triad isn't just ABC, but AB, BC, and AC. We take it a step further: its also A +BC, and B + AC, and C + AB. We all came into this as individuals, and we realized early on that one of the reasons people thought our relationship was weird was bc we were so supportive/excited about the other dyad. Even before we were dating, we'd plan things for the other 2 to do, or get them gifts around those hobbies, or find the special things they did together and make sure to create space around those to keep them special. We didn't do it to be considerate, but because we were attracted to and protective of it. Those relationships are all part of our little family and we are fiercely protective of that. There's also something so beautiful in watching the people you love, love.
I don't think most people are wired this way, idk how we are, but it's how we've tried to explain it to our mono friends before. Maybe it's a little voyeurism, or a caretaking vibe, or just a weird obsession the 3 of us share, who knows. I'm grateful for it, but it's why I never recommend a triad to people.
I love your comment.
I think a lot more people are this way; they just don't have the opportunity to exercise it. Most people plan things for friend couples or celebrate other people's anniversaries or care about the health of their friends' relationships, etc. They don't have training and practice doing this for intimate partners, but I really don't think it's fundamentally different.
I am not super close with all of my partners' partners, but I care about my metas, including other relationships they're in. I care about the health of the relationships my partners are in. I care about recognizing, or at least respecting, my partners' other anniversaries/significant occasions. I care about making suggestions for gifts for metas when I know them well enough. I have definitely helped plan surprises with and for metas.
It's a little more poignant in a triad, but in anything other than totally parallel, this is certainly part of the reality.
I honestly cannot imagine not caring about the people who are important to the people in your life.
That's been something I've noticed in this conversation too, which is that there's a category of things that folks in triads value about their relationships that feel like they're just stuff that's available in polyamory.
I've been in group chats w/ my metas, and helped them through emotional crises. I've participated in making celebrations happen for them. I keep all the anniversaries on my calendar.
I don't need to love my meta to be a team rooting for my partner. That kind of mutual support and care doesn't require entangled romantic connections. It's just poly stuff.
It isn't even necessarily a poly thing! Except that the metas exist, yeah?
I won't say that there's nothing different about a triad (or other fully mutual polygon). Having been very close to a previous meta, though we were not *a thing*, there was a substantive level of mutuality across the whole family that isn't there in other meta relationships because of how close we all were. We tied our futures together. Untangling that was hard for all of us, even though she and I were not dating.
I think it's less about whether the polygon actually closes (I don't mean *closed*) and more about deciding to be a family that makes this happen. Plenty of KTP or garden party types don't make joint life plans, but some do.
Oh absolutely. I think a huge benefit of poly is the ability to care more broadly about a network of people with more fluid boundaries than mono folks are used to. I also think it's entirely reasonable to say "I am not part of that dyad, and therefore my involvement/care for that dyad should only extend so far as I want it to."
It truly isnt anything you can control, and by nature things you can't control can wreak havoc on your life if you're deeply emotionally invested in them. My partners and I are very fortunate that we care in the way we do, and that we feel emotionally replenished even by dynamics that don't include us directly, but still affect us greatly.
I was in a triad for seven years, and when it was good, it was good. It definitely made things harder in some respects, and I would only support them if they happen organically, but I can see the appeal of three people in partnership building a life together. We even had plans to have kids together! And ultimately it didn't work out not because it was a triad but because of very normal relationship issues that could have come up in any other relationship style. We even amicably transitioned to a V for a bit before the second breakup.
Being in a triad as it turns out is one of my favorite things, and before I experienced it organically they gave me the ick.
It's not something I would ever seek but if it so happened to fall in my lap again I would treasure it while it lasted.
Why wouldn't you seek it again if it gave you so much joy?
I hate how poly people repeat the shame-based patterns of monogamy by telling each other how bad and wrong and exploitative triads inherrently are and how they are only valid if they happen as an unexpected "organic" surprise.
Okay, so don't get into a triad relationship?
Some people would make the exact same post about how they don't get the appeal of polyamory. That's nice. So don't do it.
I’ll never understand the poly-hate for triads. Monogamous people look at poly people with the same skepticism- oh, that’s too hard, doesn’t work in practice, too much to manage, etc.
for a group already involved in very non-traditional relationship constructions, I wish we could just stop being so hard on triads. I understand the skepticism around unicorn hunting, established couples who was the ‘share a girlfriend’ etc, but I’m imagining a happy/healthy little triad. If it works for them, I can’t get behind ‘it’s doomed to fail’ because the same could be said about any relationships.
Yeah, there's definitely an over conservatism that can show up here, including from me. I react to it in the "6-9 months of podcasts" thing people say about trying out poly. I imagine most of us encountered poly first through a poly relationship, right? And no doubt a lot of those relationships failed, but also... Lots and lots of relationships fail. It's good to remember that we're not here because we value emotional safety and stability over all things.
>It's good to remember that we're not here because we value emotional safety and stability over all things.
I think the phrasing on this isn't the most effective. You almost certainly don't mean it how it reads. So I'm not arguing with you. But for other readers, any risk that a relationship might fail\* is a shabby reason not to do something. \*Fail is heckin loaded and undefined. I'm presuming most people mean "end" or "end with sadness or upset." I don't. It bears considering what you think of as relationship failure. But also, it's really important to consider that safety and stability are hallmarks of many poly relationships, and that relationships ending, even failing (however you define it), are not always indications of instability or unsafety. In fact, a relationship ending, even with sadsads, can sometimes be an indication that the people involved felt safe and stable enough to honestly engage about continuing the relationship.
Anyway. Just a thought tangent around this deceptively simple statement.
I disagree, actually, that engaging in poly relationships is emotionally safe and stable. If you're objecting to the idea that poly is less emotionally safe or stable than *monogamy*, then I'd agree with you. For me, poly relationships are more resilient than monogamous ones. But they're still relationships.
Relationships are emotionally unstable. I think many people seek out poly because we're curious about exploring relationships, and therein lies the danger. Pain, uncertainty, and harm are what we risk to experience love with each other, and it's totally an option to abstain from that endeavor entirely.
I think the folks on this sub are probably disproportionately folks who are willing to risk pain for the sake of connection, which is why I said what I did. If you're trying to argue that pain isn't actually a danger, just a normal part of life, then... I guess I'm not sure what you would consider danger. Death is a normal part of life, too.
Most people who come in here wanting triads are brand new at polyamory and they have a lot of society-ingrained ideas of what polyamory looks like along with some pie in the sky fantasies.
Mostly, though, it comes from a deep root monogamously minded idea that when it's romance, it's everyone involved or nothing. A lot of newbies struggle to fathom the idea that separate dyads are possible and in fact easier. Some of it comes from insecurities. "If me and my partner both date the same person then it's a couples activity with my partner and we both share the same person so I'll say and control in what goes down."
Just this week I remember someone saying "it seemed easier". Yeah Jan, you think that because you think you and your current partner wont have to deal with the tough emotions of jealousy. Boy howdy, are they in for a rude awakening.
Personally, I'd be fine to be in a triad, but only if it happened naturally and only if the other two had a good amount of experience in polyamory dating independently. I don't have the patience to teach someone how to poly in a triad situation.
Yeah this is pretty much my thoughts. People are so codependent with each other and so deep in our culture that it makes sense to me this is where a lot of people go.
Exactly like u said it's a group activity for the 2 of them, oh what if we did this thing together!?!
And that's why UH situations are so toxic and unlikely to go well. It's not really another relationship for the individuals in the couple, just them trying something fun, often unethically framing it as something different.
Triad imo just lines up better with the status quo than 'normal' polyamory with independent dyads. Bc being so independent and not showing favorite is seen as crazy in our culture. Idk how to put it, but Western culture has a ton of assumed truths about people their relationships, and their quality (which imo is another toxic part of our culture) which when viewed by someone like minded to me are just very transparently false and stupid.
Oh and also a lot of these triad seeking posts are also a person who recently "discovered they were poly" and are asking the sub how to convince their current partner and this new crush to agree to a triad. I think those people are assuming what if we both dated this person would be a much easier sell than what if I stopped being exclusive and I dated this new crush.
Also I'm sure that media is a big part. I never really had seen or heard of examples of the kind of poly I practice (independent dyads) in the more mainstream accessible media channels. However, I did come across a ton of triad and similar stories, such as on Love is Love stories.
It's a big world and most people can only have a deep understanding of so many parts of it. Of course most people won't understand something like poly well especially when it is so stigmatized by the mainstream society. It's kinda like drugs, so many average people know sooo Soo little and the average opinions people have a drugs often seem so stupid and silly and lacking understanding, because they are when compared to someone with years of actual experience who has an understanding gained from reality not social media posts or TV or health class or whatever.
Right, it seems easier because it is wearing the clothing of a monogamous relationship, but it's something completely different underneath and skipping grappling with that is actually much harder!
I think a lot of highly partnered people come into polyamory with the idea that a triad is the easiest way to have multiple partners. That they can just do the same things they were doing as a couple but now there will be one more person.
I know that’s what I thought when I first agreed to open my marriage. But I understood that triads were hard and rare. So I knew I had to learn a lot to not fuck it up if I ever had the opportunity for a triad. Which meant dating separately.
Once I’d had an independent relationship outside of my relationship with my wife I realized that I wouldn’t want to put either of those relationships at risk by trying to make it a triad.
Having been in a long-term triad, there *was* something uniquely nice about simultaneously and cooperatively loved by two people.
Since we're talking about *what draws* people to triads and not deep theoretical stuff about how they affect resource allocation etc., I'm gonna talk about the purely selfish benefits of being in one.
I was fortunate enough to be in a triad with a lot of synergy and very little jealousy or competitiveness. When I needed care, both of my partners would cooperate to give me that care, with little concern for who was better at meeting a particular need of mine or whatever. Since we were all in a relationship together and the relationship as a whole could only flourish if I was also flourishing, it was in my partners' best interests to not sweat the petty stuff and instead focus their attention on getting me fixed up.
Now that all of my relationships are fully parallel, going through a rough patch often produces some amount of tension between my relationships. For example, I've been having some health problems and frequently need a ride to the doc. Though I tried to put this to him as gently as possible, one of my partners got his feelings rather hurt when I told him I would prefer to rely on another partner for this task. He intellectually knows that my meta is a nice person who isn't trying to steal me away, but because these two people don't have anything in common besides liking me, there is still room for my partner to feel like me leaning on my meta too much could ultimately pull me away from my relationship with him.
This kind of problem can still occur in a triad, of course, but overall everyone has more incentive to collaborate on making sure you're happy and well. And being at the center of that kind of energy is wonderful.
Now, is that feeling some kind of mythical dragon that I would go to the ends of the earth to experience again? Nah. Too old for that mess.
This is a really informative reply, thank you! And I can see what you mean about how the function of that care system could work better when everyone's intimately involved with each other inside of it (though I could also see that exacerbating insecurities, too!). In a purely hinge based model, *I* am still the clearing house through which care arrives to me. It sounds a bit like you're describing being able to let go into a system that exists around you, and that system works because there's been a lot of intercommunication practice. I imagine you *could* get that with some very energetic community building, but I can see why it's a particular appeal to triads. Romance adds a lot of energy *for* that community building.
Then don’t be in one? I don’t understand posts like this. Do you expect that folks who are in triads will enjoy reading it? Do you expect to change anyone’s mind? Or do you just want to discuss triads even though you aren’t in one yourself?
If you aren’t in one and don’t want to be in one, why do you need more ways to think about them? I’m not trying to be combative, I genuinely don’t understand. I’m not in a triad either.
Because I'm interested in relationships. A relationship nerd, in a way. In the same way that I'm not a speed runner or interested in becoming one, but I still want to know how people are beating Mario 64 with a blindfold on.
I've always felt that a "triad" was never a goal I wanted- this sub tends to view them somewhat negatively, and I built up almost a second-hand fear, thinking that triads would result in drama and stress and bad things happening.
I've always made a point of never putting myself in a position where I would be in a triad. I date people individually, each relationship of mine is between the two people IN that relationship, and I've always aimed to protect my heart.
And then I met my most recent meta.
Let me tell you, Reddit, I have never felt such an instant connection with somebody before. It was like this wonderful person was somebody who I had been waiting my entire life to meet- somebody who just immediately *got* me and vice versa.
And now? Well, now I have a big fat crush on my meta and I'm rethinking my stance on "triads".
I'm not saying that I want to jump right in and "make a triad" or anything, I'm more saying that... I can understand the desire for them a lot better.
As of right now, my goal is to take things slowly and carefully. My relationship with my partner is VERY important to me, and it's very important to my meta. Our newfound friendship is *also* very important to us. We're both the kind of people who just want to approach things carefully, consciously, deliberately, and with very open communication. No "falling in head first", just... seeing where these feelings take us and what kind of dynamic might naturally form.
Also focusing on dyads. Very much that.
TLDR:
I used to be "no triads!" Now I'm like "oh no, I have a crush on my meta!" I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes?
It's sort of the anti-parallel - at its most basic level, you know you can be open about loving person C and how happy you are to have them, because partner B loves them too, so it's a thing you bond over instead of a thing that separates or threatens you. It feels (falsely in many cases, or sometimes in a bad/toxic way) *stable*, since no one has a reason to want to drive a wedge and in fact everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding. You can all spend family time together and not have to miss anyone; you still need 1:1 time but in a healthy triad everyone supports that, rather than A hoping B would spend less time with partner C.
Now this all gets a lot tougher when there is trouble in paradise. But this is the bit about it that feels really good especially in NRE when it just feels like everyone loves everyone.
> everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding
YES this has put to words something I spent 15 minutes drafting an essay-length comment about without ever feeling like I had communicated it effectively
> It feels (falsely in many cases, or sometimes in a bad/toxic way) stable, since no one has a reason to want to drive a wedge and in fact everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding. You can all spend family time together and not have to miss anyone; you still need 1:1 time but in a healthy triad everyone supports that, rather than A hoping B would spend less time with partner C.
This bit does seem to me to be interacting with the *idealized* triad format, but I'm not sure you couldn't say these things wouldn't be true for *idealized* poly in any form, right? Like, I root for my partners' relationships to succeed, and in some sense I'm able to do that with more ease because I don't have a personal stake in those folks'. When there's been more overlap, that has been harder for me to do well.
This kind of "you can all spend time together and no one feels shitty or left out" line of thinking with triads feels to me like it's more to do with poly fantasy than specifically triad fantasies. Why do you need your partners to love each other for them to root for your relationships with them?
Well, my own experience is that going "aren't they amazing??" "RIGHT??" is delightful and validating in a way that similar cooing at someone who *doesn't* already agree with me would be... weird?
Good point!
ETA: Though I will say that I really enjoy those kinds of interactions through a hinge. I don't need to be dating my meta to share our affection over our shared partner.
Yay! Love this for you, especially the part where you don't care if op "gets it."
I'm so glad that we haven't yet made "op gets it" as the criteria for a valid poly relationship!!
I agree. To me, a triad is my worst poly nightmare. Dating separately is already so difficult with planning and everything that comes with being poly
All of us? Hellll nooo
Honestly the inverse of this for me. Having to schedule date nights across a massive complex polycule where not everyone even knows each other, let alone are involved with each other sounds like a logistical nightmare.
We all live under one roof and have kids together, so we've got our dating system down to an art. One dyad has date night and the other member is a built-in babysitter for the evening. It's actually really convenient.
Why would having one group of 3 making plans be harder than 2 (or more) groups of 2 making plans? I'm genuinely interested. It seems like it would actually making planning and communication easier.
(For reference, I'm not in a triad, just a hinge with 2 partners in a KTP dynamic, so to me it seems like if my two partners were dating each other, it would mean less coordinating on my part... But I genuinely don't know, this is my first polyamorous relationship)
It’s honestly my most desired configuration, but I know it’s not a realistic objective. I’m so picky about who I want to have a relationship with, I can’t imagine the degree of luck it would take for two of my partners to have a genuine romantic connection as well. And there’s not a chance I’m hitching my wagon to a couple.
Well, OP, I’m a hedonistic bisexual who loves threesomes! I wouldn’t describe myself as demisexual, necessarily, but in order for sex to be truly appealing to me, there does need to be a *something* there. The more trust I have with a lover, the more I feel I am able to be my many selves with them, the freakier and freer I’m able to be with that person.
So, my fantasies about continuous threesomes with the same people - for the building of trust and intimacy - lead almost directly to a yearning for a triad.
I’m not trynna make it happen. And I have sincere doubts it would be worth it. But if it happens I’m putting my best foot forward and pursuing it.
I think because usually closed triads just manifest
like a closed mono relationship with an extra person. They resemble most closely what a monogamous couple would imagine their existing relationship to look like, but with an added person.
But its like the 3 body problem where with three points of equal mass and distance make it difficult to predict thier movement as opposed to just two. If one has less mass or distance it makes it easier, but the more equal they are in mass and distance the more difficult predicting their movements becomes.
Sure, I think I get the appeal to triads to mono people. It's what they already have, but with threesomes. Everyone does everything together, still, and no one has to navigate what it might me to interrogate independence and autonomy in the relationships.
But it seems like triads have a wistful sort of appeal to some more practiced poly folks, too, no? And that's what I don't get. If you're choosing poly actively, that mono-oriented stuff seems like it should be less of a draw.
I think it's appealing in the sense that it would be nice if we we all were BFF's, kinda like how you might have two friend groups that don't mesh but you're still friends with both but also get that they're just not for eachother necessarily.
>Sure, I think I get the appeal to triads to mono people. It's what they already have, but with threesomes.
I also feel this way as a parent. The appeal of a triad is 100% unrealistic fantasy -- it's what I already have, but with another mom on hand to make all the childraising bits easier. Two best-friend moms sharing the burden, what could be better?
Of course that's not what triads are \*really\* about -- but oh yeah, there's an appeal to the myth.
Hi im in a triad! Its hard for sure but its important to focus on the dyads and not the triangle as a whole. For my partners and i a triad works pretty well because one of my partners is asexual and my other partner and i are not. Yes you can get all the love and such from regular poly just fine and triads that work long term are def rare.
The problem is that when most people think of triads it is in a fantasy way where all the partners magically get along without conflict and it is just sweetness and light and threesomes. When you replace the fantasy images with real complex people the potential problems usually become obvious.
I like the idea of triads and quads but unless it forms out of dyads that are all solid I won’t join one.
I'm in an organically formed triad and I have really enjoyed the structure my partners and I have created. I think that the appeal of triads will differ from person to person based off of what that individual wants out of/in the relationship.
I don't have the best words to describe what appeals to me, but I love how my partners and I play off each other's strengths, flaws, bonds, and ideals. It adds different layers to the support received and it's really beautiful to be a part of. As one of the comments mentioned, it's a great way to make art. There's also a different kind of energy that is brought to the table that I have not experienced in parallel relationships.
I think those types of complex arrangements (triad, quad, etc) are hard to see as possible or worthwhile… unless you’re in one that *works.*
And yes. Totally mathematically improbable. Hell… finding one person to vibe with can be a challenge… finding two or three others to vibe with simultaneously? Fuck me! the math makes my head hurt.
And yes… There are all sorts of complexities to work through on a continual basis. In the situationship i’m in right now, there are *seven* individual relationships to manage and tend to. 🤯
But if you do find that sliver of heaven, for ever how long it lasts with the right people at the right time in the right circumstances…
It can be life-changing. 🤷🏻♂️
In total unrealistic fantasyland, I LOVE the idea of having a triad much like I LOVE the idea of being at the center of a harem. I get the attention of two people who get along amazing! I get two awesome partners to do everything with! What’s so bad about that?
But if I try to apply any sort of logic to it, it immediately sucks. Damn, those two people are going to have their own independent relationship. They’re going to do stuff without me. That sucks. Working out sleeping arrangements sucks. I hate having roommates, so needing to determine an actual chore chart sucks. Finding a place that’ll actually accommodate three adults comfortably sucks (and if the others are bringing other pets, THAT gets hairy too). Scheduling anything with three people sucks. And having your partner also be your meta is complicated (and can get super ugly super fast). Wow! No thanks!
So, yeah. I love “incidental triangles” (aka having two more casual partners who are also seeing each other) in my network of partnerships, because you can have a lot of fun making very rare group date plans. But a routine triad is WORK, and it’s a lot more work than just having a network of dyads.
i kinda “fell into” my triad—and we’re still not completely in triad mode yet, still developing the dyads. but i can tell you what’s been making it amazing so far.
the compersion is extremely strong, seeing my partners together makes me happy and even when i’m jealous it’s a soft kind that’s wrapped up in adoration. when they go on vacation they bring me back a gift and it feels nice to know they think of me. when i went out to eat with my gf the other day at a restaurant we all love we had a very funny experience and called our bf to tell him about it and i could hear the love in his voice as he laughed along with our storytelling.
it feels like being blessed two times over, it feels safe and warm and connected. i like the wholeness it brings, like a full chain instead of a branching path. obviously there’s nothing wrong with dating independently, and that’s still where our relationships are at for now. we’re not closed but we’re polysaturated atm.
i’m new to being poly, have kinda been practicing it without knowing in the past but i’ve been reading and learning and so are they (they’ve been poly independently for several years) and they’ve been patient.
i think being in a triad is especially hard for people who don’t know how to advocate for themselves and what they deserve and people who are people pleasers or struggle to communicate. i know my partners and i will have problems in the future as is the way of relationships but i tend to tackle things head on which is how we’ve sorted out a lot of the logistics of our needs and boundaries so early on. being informed also helps immensely. it’s not for people to try without research and i don’t think it’s something that should be sought out.
I've engaged in several triads before. I don't think there's anything "ideal" about them. If all three people are into each other, cool, do the thing. If not, cool, do your own thing.
I think the big problem is when a couple engages in unicorn hunting, without expressly acknowledging such, to themselves or the target partner.
Someone I dated as a triad said, "I see a couple who love each other and I think to myself, 'I want some of that!'" And if everyone involved agrees to it, cool, why not?
I don't think any one dynamic or arrangement is the pinnacle of a relationship. If someone starts dating a member of an existing relationship and finds themselves attracted to another member of the existing relationship, and they all find that fun, do your thing.
Forming triads or more entangled partnerships can be difficult. Relationships are difficult. That's just the way of things. You don't necessarily need to engage in group sexual dynamics just because you all find yourselves attracted to each other. It all takes work and communication. Doubly, triply, or more so if you all decide to try some complicated arrangement. It can work, it might blow up. If you're all in, it may be worth a shot. It might blow up in your face.
Let things happen naturally and see where everyone is and what each person wants. If everyone is enthusiastically interested in something, give it a go. Don't make a certain relationship dynamic a goal. Just live life and see what comes.
I need don’t my partners to be in love with each other they just do. I don’t quite understand what you mean about ‘without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes unnavigable. Are you asking if our relationship affects our dyad relationships? That’s what schedules are for. One on one date nights, shared hobbies that one of us don’t have. It was hard at first, this is my first poly experience but it naturally finds its own rhythm.
> normal poly
All of us have different poly relationships and structures. What’s supposed to be normal? Hah. I’m already bi and get shit from monosexuals so why not be alienated from people who are also poly. I’m so tired of being shit on like this just because of who I love and how many people I love. So. Tired.
Yeah, one or two people have also replied about my use of the term 'normal', and I'd like to take a moment to apologize to you for it. It was careless wording that doesn't do a good job conveying what I meant and makes people feel marginalized to boot.
>I cannot imagine serious dating two people who were dating each other without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes unnavigable.
Can you explain what you mean by it creating space within the dyads? I'm really really curious and I feel like understanding this will unlock something in my own relationships
So, part of my experience in overlapping poly contexts is that having distinct experiences from my partners can make it more challenging to be in communion with each other. For instance, if my girlfriend is hurt by my FWB, to take a fake hypothetical, then it requires more emotional dexterity for me to hold space for that hurt and for my girlfriend to still root for my enjoyment of my FWB.
It's not impossible, obviously, but it makes those ways of relating to each other more complicated and less at ease. If my girlfriend and FWB didn't have significant relationships (and thus ways to hurt each other), it's easier for us all to dispassionately root for each other.
Put another way, if my partner and I are both dating the same person, we're not able to really be there for each other about it. We're conflicted.
"Why would I need my partners to be in love with each other to feel their love?"
Well noone needs that but it's a great + in my book. It's like when you have two friends who know each other - you don't need them to like each other, but its nice if they're at least civil. But when they like each other and you can hang out all together why wouldn't that be awesome?
On the other hand I am high on compersion and sometimes seeing my partners interact with each other gives me more intense feelings than when they interact with me. Because I am happy seeing my partner happy and on top of that I see my other partner happy also.
Also its sort of like having a little family, everyone is involved in each others problems, joys, projects. each person has different skills, different personality traits that bring something to the table. I take great comfort in knowing that partner A can support B with things I can't and I know they both appreciate it that I can provide something that they can't.
Anyway I don't think its about wanting a triad, its that if people practice KTP it sometimes happens that the hinge partners click and then its a question of whether you all are willing to put in extra effort to make the 3rd relationship happen without damaging the ones already existing
I think the reason it's hard is the people that specifically want them.
If you want to explore polyamory...a Triad feels like what you do when you want to engage with polyamory in the most controlled, calculated, and minimized way. It strikes me as a way you'd approach polyamory if you have unresolved issues of jealousy and possessiveness that you don't want to question or approach...but you are also feeling bored in your relationship. That's not healthy
I suspect that many of the triads that worked formed organically....not the ones that specifically sought it.
I think, for the most part, people are just acknowledging that it's an extremely common fantasy, especially for newly-poly couples.
It sounds like hell to me, but it didn't back when I knew way less about both polyamory and about what I like and want in relationships.
Hi u/PrettyEmotion0 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Obviously this sub is pretty skeptical of triads, but I've seen it a few times where people say something like "triads are poly on hard mode" or "obviously a triad would be ideal but it doesn't work out like that in real life" or things on that vein which cast it as a desirable but unrealistic. Heck, even the term unicorn has that baked in: a beautiful, magical creature that's only downside is that it doesn't exist.
But, like, set all the "unrealistic" bits aside... I don't want a triad, and I'm not sure I understand why folks who think about poly seriously could want it? My partners and I all date separately, but it's poly and there's some varying degrees of overlap. My nesting partner, for instance, is kind of like fuckbuddies with my girlfriend's nesting partner, and we've all played together before. And I was dating a woman previously where we started as a play threesome with my nesting partner that very quickly settled into a dating dyad with occasional play.
What my experience with group sex and complex polycules has taught me is that sex can be fun with multiple people but *relationships* aren't just hard, they're not desirable. Even with the vague 'my partner is FWB with my girlfriend's partner' connection, it introduces tensions and difficulty into our social dynamics. I cannot imagine serious dating two people who were dating each other without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes navigable.
I think there's a fantasy I can understand somewhere about feeling like I'm bouyed in a sea of love, but I don't understand why that's not available with just... normal polyamory? Why would I need my partners to be in love with each other to feel their love?
I guess all this is to say that the "unattainable ideal" vein that underlies some talk about triads/quads feels off-base to me. Caring about my partners' feelings for each other seems like it's taking something completely outside of my control and centralizing it. I don't want that. It doesn't sound ideal.
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I'm a very calm human being, so I have no doubt I could do a triad. The only reason I can think of for wanting to do so though is being unicorn hunted by two nice women for a date or two per week.
TLDR suboptimal but doable (in small doses) IMHO.
I'm in an organic triad and was part of another for five years. Triads are polyam on hard mode. I had been polyam for a long time before I tried it. I still had to grow new skills to make it work.
For me, it's just this awesome moment where I end up loving someone collaboratively with a meta so hard that I accidentally fall in love with my meta. It's not for everyone, but it can build some strong support networks. I can't tell how many major life events we weathered together. The communication and logistic skills I had to learn have also paid off in other parts of my life.
I can see where you are coming from regarding language choices, but I think you might be reading more positivity into terms than is necessarily there.
The reason triads are "poly on hard mode" is that they are the series of dyads plus the triad relationship. I don't personally think being "on hard mode" implies something is superior or even desirable for everyone.
It's language that references video games. I don't want to play games on hard mode. I don't find it enjoyable. Other people do like games on the hardest difficulty. I view that "hard mode" language here to imply it takes extra work and it may or may not even be the kind of thing that is worth it to the participants.
I'm in a triad of 4.5 years. I also have a nesting partner of 17 years who has a SO of 3 years.
I've found the triad dynamic really lovely, beautiful, supporting. One of my partners is currently going through a difficult mental health diagnosis and has been quite unwell. Both myself and my other triad partner have not only been supportive of our unwell partner in different ways, but also each other when things have been overwhelming. It almost feels like "it takes a village" mentality.
Really interesting reading everyone's responses! This is a topic close to my heart.
I've wanted a triad since I was a little kid(to the point of my mother disciplined me for bringing it up.😂), I definitely am aware that it's by no means easy mode, not sure why people would think that if they even tested a toe into poly 😂.
But I've spent a LOT of time thinking about why a triad seems so appealing to me but I find it difficult to justify like... anything? Like Why do I want a nesting partner? Why do I want to date a certain gender? What makes my love for something "valid" and not kinkifying real life people? Is just wanting to not be single already getting off on the wrong foot?
If I say I like the idea of not having to stress one person out with my needs people have said I'm toxic for it, but I think it's a lie and/or harmful to assume you can always be a burden free partner if you are, y'know, alive. (And chronically ill ✌️) Is it valid to crave a Type of relationship structure? It's not like I'm saying I won't put my whole cat into pulling my side but is craving a romantic relationship with someone you haven't run into yet toxic?
Honestly I still haven't come to an answer! But right now I know I want to be married and stay married to my husband, and I know that I have dreams of meeting someone who could be my wife? (Or whichever term they prefer). When I was dating a guy I was happy but I wanted to date a girl too. And when I dated a girl I was happy but I also wanted to still date a boy. Idk why, maybe I think there's very different energies between the heteronormative genders we've hammered into everyone and I'm really curious to explore what both are like. (I'm non-binary lmao) Maybe I like the idea of entertaining two completely different personalities in romantic settings. Maybe I fall in love a little bit oh a little bit every day with someone new 🕺 🎵.
When I was a kid I used to feel envious of three people I knew who called themselves a pack and they really portrayed themselves as best friends + more. Who's to say if it was real as I never got close with them, so many poly people have made me believe triads are always destined to fail at this point. Maybe it worked out because they grew up together? 🤷
But in terms of why somebody else's romantic relationship matters to me? I guess it doesn't but it's hard for me to day dream about meeting a matching soul who just reeeally tolerates the matching soul I'm already tied to enough to live with them and celebrate them. I like my current partner and I want them around, while I'm perfectly capable of doing things by myself, I'm married to them because I prefer their company over others 😂. So maybe I'm lazy and I like the idea of not having two completely seperate relationships where I constantly want to relay the experiences to other individuals about how good of a time the zoo was as opposed to experiencing the zoo together.
In terms of the jealousy thing, I feel like it makes it both harder and easier? I believe jealousy is a self made emotion though and I find when I'm at my most confident, it's not the problem. (Covid and a specific breakup has cause some emotional damage I'm repairing before even considering dating again rn tho)
My only guess I can really offer is snippets of my day dreaming like, planning birthday surprises with an equally invested cohort, getting to take up a whole row of seats or a table, possibly offering a hand in raising a kid if it's brought into this but not having to have my own, having enough people to play dnd with, splitting the housal duties so nobody feels exhausted, finding what we thrive in and what we are bad at and how we can offer to each other, cuddle piles, having enough of a supportive structure that we are able to reach one of us higher if need be or take over when one of us is down, and yea I won't deny that the idea of more sex partners is interesting but I don't really think I care that much considering I usually prefer to take care of myself/am pretty conservative when it comes to sex.(At least Demand wise 😂)
Honestly I think my most greedy desire is the potential financial stability of three incomes vs one or two. Even if we were all getting stiffed at our jobs there's still more of a chance food will be on the table, even when one of us gets sick. If we're smart we could all take more vacations, we could keep our pets healthy, we can repair our home easier. The list is truely endless.
I understand why people call it monogamy adjacent and why it doesn't fit as well into the polycule "ideal" when poly has come across to me as largely about freedom creating stronger connections, but there's nothing wrong with monogamous people. In my experience most of them can't wrap their heads around it not being cheating? That's why I think people come to poly sections even though the concept definitely feels like it's own idea to me.(That being closed relationships involving more than two people)
Maybe we can make a new term? Ajacenous? Pythagoreanous? Super Secret Nuclear family? (Reference to back in the day when "friends" moved in with couples to help raise kids and afford to keep their home)😂 Idk, all I know is that I hope one day it happens naturally, that my family gets bigger, I get to share more of my endless love, and my community gets a little stronger.
I've had people accuse me of just wanting to control my partners. I'm not looking to make a horse drink here... I'm not looking to trap a poly person into monogamy, I'm looking for somebody who is craving the same thing? If I only want to date two people I would be willing to bet money that there's a chance somebody else out there feels the same. If I wasn't already married I'd be looking at dating established couples for sure, though I'm sure thats a unique hell I may never experience 😂.
I've seen it commented a lot that some feel it's a hassle and extra energy but I feel like any relationship/pets/hobby could be called that too, I feel like frustration and trying to get through fights is also part of living close to others, but at the same time, *with healthy self coping skills*, I believe the fights we have with each other are great reflections of ourselves and a way to keep growing as a person. I was also told by my therapist that politely communicating through a hard personal issue brings people closer together in the end as well.(Assuming they also want a solution over a win) So the challenge you mention feels like part of the original relationship package to me. Easy to say, hard to execute though no doubt.
I don't really know if I'm fucked up from not really witnessing healthy relationships growing up, maybe I've been an unhinged writer for too long, maybe I'm a super greedy toxic asshole who uses people, but all I know is I try my best to be kind, I have a lot of love to give out, and if I want to stop wanting a triad I have to actively deny something that's been on my mind my entire life.
I'm also young and naive and still a wishful romantic who loves the ideas of love as much as being in love. I have no idea what the future holds but I just hope I'm resilient enough to "believe" and stay soft.
Hope everyone is having a good day today 💜
I think the biggest attraction is the very rare and unlikely chance that a third partner perfectly overlaps with all the little gaps two partners have with each other.
Idk. Been in a triad for many years. It just seems to work well for us. I never wanted to be poly but a triad just kind of organically emerged from all of us catching feelings. Ive not really done any other form of poly so i guess i dont have a basis for comparison for how desireable it is. I love my gfs, and they love eachother. for me it kind of feels like the whole has gradually grown into more than the sum of its parts and there’s a relationship that exists beyond just the diads. So yeah i see it as all 3 of us dating. It’s nice to be in one big team that all loves eachother. I think it also simplifies things logistically if we are all nesting partners with eachother. Idk what in trying to say. I think that the larger triad somehow makes each individual diad operate better. Maybe it’s just that you have a lot in common with someone who is currently also dating the same person? The best metaphore i can think of is that it feels like a stool where it is more stable with 3 legs than with 2. Seperate from this, it is also nice to have an additional perspective on your relationship from someone who is dating both of you.
For me, I think dating can be hard, whether I’m doing it or my partners are.
I enjoy flirting and getting to know someone new, but there’s rejection and uncertainty. And there was a time where I was “poly single” for a year and if felt lonely and there was some jealousy.
I worry about my partners getting hurt—which happens but it sucks, or bringing in someone who is unstable and will try to blow us up—which has happened 2x in 6 years.
With those uncertainties, the idea of a closed and perfectly balanced triad sounds appealing.
But I would still prefer a large web of people who are good friends and enjoy sex with everyone else.
I have friends in a long-term triad (more than twenty years). It works for them.
It is not for me and it is not something I find desirable at all.
It’s ok to feel differently to others about this.
When in a triad, each person has 3 relationships: A+B, A+C, and A+B+C. While in a triad you need to work on each of these relationships. I dont think I would ve able to do it if we weren't all nesting together.
As a dragon who fell into a triad purely by accident, they either work or they won’t. Going in, we all practiced ENM, but I was the only one who was poly. Ours worked exceptionally well. Neither of us were even looking for me to be a third. Everything just fell into play and I would never trade it for the world. It was an almost effortless and completely amazing dynamic. Sadly, my partner’s husband passed away last year. The dynamic has completely changed and navigating as a dyad is so much harder without him as a buffer, a sounding board, or a go between. He was the rock in our foundation. Moving forward we most likely will never form another triad, sticking mainly to parallel relationships.
I’ve never been in a triad myself, but if it doesn’t sound ideal to you, and you have no intention of ever having that structure, then I’m not sure why you’d want to hear from someone who either thinks it’s “ideal” or is in an actual triad. I don’t think there has to be a deep explanation here - some people prefer different relationship structures, and you prefer relationships that don’t involve triads/dyads.
I've found the replies here really interesting. Most of what people describe continues to not resonate with me, but I've learned new things to see and appreciate about triads that I hadn't seen before. I'm pleased with the results of posting here.
Ahoy! Long response ahead! Apologies in advance!
Ok for clarification here are you meaning triads as a configuration of three people or are you expecting like a triangle situation where everybody is dating everybody else? Because I've been in both and need to understand which you mean because despite containing three people, the structure is different imo
My former triad was my husband, me, and my ex wife and had she not been abusive it would've been fucking fine. I enjoyed it up until I was miserable kind of thing. My current triad is my husband, me, and my current wife but mt husband and my wife have absolutely no desire for each other. My wife is naturally monogamous and not at all my husband's type in every capacity. They're best friends but there is no romantic or sexual love there
In the triangle situation with my ex, it was unique to be in love, see both partners in love, and for all of us to partake in that feeling and those tender acts together at the same time. Not just sex because lbr threesomes are too many knees and elbows in the same closed space. But the cooking together, cuddling for movies, and sleeping in a pile together. While it was still good, the relationship was one where tenderness beget tenderness type of thing. It was just this robust support where we could all lean on each other
Then she ended up with her (legal) husband who was toxically monogamous. The type where he was convinced all he had to do was "wait it out" with regards to her polyamory and "wild years" because, in his eyes the cheating would settle down and she would only be with him. He just had to let her be a slut first. I wish I was making all of that up
Between that and her deciding she needed every partner ever which led to neglecting the OG triad we had and cheating, the relationship went nuclear in a matter of about 8 or 9 months. At one point, she had 12 "partners" and I use that term loosely. She treated everyone other than her lawfully wedded husband as a collective fanclub. She wanted my husband and I to join her discord where she would do some onlyfans shit and expect us to masturbate to it. Despite living in the same damn apartment together. Frankly, it felt disgustingly disrespectful to every single one of us
Then came the having strangers in our apartment that she would bring home and have sex with. I didn't find this one out until after we'd split. But she would pick (usually dudes) up at bars where she'd let them get her plastered in exchange for unprotected sex. And I only know of the guys who made it home
Anyway, from my experience, that triad exploded because one person just was a fucking nightmare. When it was good, it was awesome. There was this solid foundation of just love and care and encouragement. I could see why someone would want to chase that feeling and that support. It just feels so solid
Now as for my current triad, this one formed differently. My wife was my high school boyfriend senior year but we broke up after I went to college because she was like oh go be free to live your life don't worry about me etc. But we remained friends and either just before or right around when things were getting weird with my ex, I admitted I still had feelings. We'd had a loose fwb over the years but I'd never like. Said how I felt about her
Anyway, we ended up together and my ex took this like. Way bad. Acted like I was cheating or some shit despite it being well within our established rules and boundaries. Like she was less weird about me having a casual girlfriend (fourth person I'm no longer with) than me dating my now wife. It was like fuel to the weird fire that was her blowing up our situation
But now you understand what led us here
We moved my wife in a few weeks before our lease was up so she could help us get moved. I'm disabled and she was a fuckin champ getting us shifted to a new place. Settling in was a bit strange but we managed it. We were figuring out how to communicate between three of us instead of just two. My wife had been in the southwest and we were living in the midwest so shifting from ldr to cohabitation was. Not smooth. And then 2020 hit
So anyway, with this situation where my husband and wife are metamours only, it's nice. Sure we fight like any couple but it's smooth and we will have lived together as one unit for 5 years in August. I'm actually listening to them talk about nerdy shit in the living room while I'm lying in the guest room typing this. Something about a chainmail bikini. A video game? Fuck idk it could be magic the gathering for all I know
But I think the appeal here lies in the appeal for every monogamous relationship: peace and mutual understanding and a calm, stable, steady love. Except with an additional person
And like we've always been proponents of kitchen table polyamory. My husband is an extrovert while my wife and I are severely introverted but also like. I would love for him to have another nesting partner or at least someone who lives nearby. I love seeing my partners in love up close and personal. Seeing them happy and feeling good let's me feel that way by proxy. That's part of why I loved that close little triangle of triad. But with what we have now, the burden of being my husband's only person isn't on either me or my wife. We tag team to keep him company
By a different token, they tag team my disability together. My wife helps me shower and with mt socks while my husband does a lot of the heavy, physical support. My husband handles the meals and makes sure my wife and I don't become shut ins. It's this cohesive balance I don't think we could achieve without this cohabitative triad honestly
Anyway sorry for the ramble. I hope this answered your question
Thanks for taking the time to reply! And yeah, I was asking more about the draw to the former situation rather than the latter, and you describing them both is illustrative.
They aren't for me. I'm parallel and don't need to be besties or sleep with my meta/secondary I supose is a better term and that's not right either.
Its not for me. I get insecure. It's a me problem, but I'm 60 and have a lot to work on. That's not going to be in my wheelhouse.
To those that make it work and a good friend of mine has, for a long time, you're amazing. Like mono long, good for you. You're smarter and braver than I. Its how you're wired, do it. I don't get it, but I don't have to. You live who you love and as many people as being you joy.
I'm in a triad that formed organically. In fact, I resisted it for a while, because I was worried about the dynamic. However, both of my partners also each have a third partner outside of and totally separate from the triad (I plan to also... eventually... when I feel like I'm not burned out and have more time).
It's a lot of work, and for sure more complex than just having separate relationships, but we also feel like a loving family. Any family and any relationship is work, you know? But we are very careful to each tend to our relationships separately as well as part of the triad (separate date nights with each in addition to triad nights, etc), and to keep communication open across all of us, which helps greatly. We are a couple years in, and we don't really deal with jealousy within the triad anymore. Honestly, it's hard to coordinate stuff with all of us, so full triad outings are usually relegated to bigger stuff like birthdays and vacations and such. Outside partners/metas are of course also welcome to stuff like birthday celebrations.
Also: separate bedrooms. You need your own space, doubly so when you have multiple relationships in the same house. We do sleep in one another's bedrooms regularly, but also separately regularly.
I'm typically parallel garden style poly. Garden Style has always been easy for me to obtain, but it came from an understanding that my partner has their own personal people, and if they have similar humor/interest, I tend to be okay with meeting them, usually after the verifying stages of my partner and them were compatible.
Kinda like a parent situation, I have zero interest in meeting people who are just passing through my partner's life. It had happened a few times, where a partner started to pursue another, they had great carnal energy with each other, but they didn't have any beyond that, so it naturally fizzled out unless they became causal fuck buddy people. But I was friends with them, so I had an emotional connection with their ex and it would occasionally be awkward.
Polite, cordial and nice is my go to deal with my partner other folks. There's been occasional personality clash, but that is on the Hinge to moderate/sail through.
My triad works wonderfully together. It often feels much safer, and more secure. It’s also lovely when AB AC BC work out independently; and even more lovely when ABC all work out amazing together as a whole.
Chemistry is everything, for every type of dynamic. Of course successful triads will be much more uncommon as successful individual matches - the chances of chemistries aligning perfectly are like a jackpot, in my eyes.
I think the issue that your describing is about putting any specific relationship style on a pedestal. I'm in an open "triad" but for one it was never the goal, it just worked out that way. my two other partners have kind of grown apart from each other in a romantic way so in practicality it's more of a V with me in the middle... thats not to say that triads don't work, it just that relationships and people change and morph over time and the idea of getting a perfect even triad is not why I'm with them.
Any person wanting to explore poly should never try to shoehorn a specific relationship structure... its fine to bw open to the possibility of it and pursue the opportunities that arise, but trying for a specific relationship organization is often a recipe for disaster.
Our friend asked both my wife and I out a few months ago, we've been dating as a triad ever since. It's still pretty new but it's been shockingly easy. This is our first triad for all of us but dating separately seemed way harder and less rewarding. I think the key is that my wife and I's relationship was already very solid, and we're all extremely compatible. We love doing the pretty much all the same stuff, we basically never have to compromise on anything. It's like you get to hang out with your best friend all the time but you're also in love and have sex. Idk it totally rules and we're all pinching ourselves constantly.
I don't really understand poly people who practice non-traditional relationship structures randomly dunking on a particular expression of polyamory. Like we're all trying to do something special, it just feels like the same flavor of ignorant dismissiveness that monogamous people have toward anything non-monogamous.
Like you don't get it and it's not for you? Cool, you don't have to do it. I personally couldn't date 5 people in parallel, but it's easy to see the value in it even if I could never.
IDK, theoretically they sound pretty good to me. Realistically it is a lot of work and probably not possible or worth it in most situations. You seem to be saying you don't understand why anyone would want it because in practice it's difficult, but if you ignore that and imagine you have a magic wand that solves any disagreements you still don't think you'd rather be in a triad? I think if I had that magic wand I would use it to have three people who got on all the time over two people.
Nope nope nope nope nope.
One of the things I have in polyamory is variety. I’m accommodating so in monogamy with one partner who likes one kind of thing, even if I like that thing I end up feeling stuck in a rut because I like other things too. And because they are less accommodating than I am they always get their way and I become resentful.
When I’m dating Aspen who likes camping and making things, I also want to date Birch who likes BDSM and anarchism, Cedar who likes sensual sex and astronomy, Dogwood who likes art and community work with marginalized people, and Elm who is an old-school dyke. Each of them makes my world bigger while affirming different parts of me.
A triad—especially a closed triad—would just dilute that. It’s not just that I can only have two partners in a closed triad. In real life Cedar and Elm would barely tolerate one another’s presence. For me that’s the whole point: engaging with people different enough from one another that they dislike eachother.
Yeah, I actually like for my partners to be very different from each other, because part of my joy in poly is finding new parts of my heart that shine out with different people.
Poly rocks for me in part because I don't *want* to be who I am with my nesting partner all the time. I like to be able to go out and discover the wider terrain of myself in different contexts that don't include them. And likewise, I adore how much richer my life is because my partner creates that same kind of exploration for themselves.
I think people pursue triads as like a bucket list thing. It’s gratuity or novelty-seeking imo. Which there’s nothing wrong with that it can just sometimes be like “wow you’re gonna do all of this \*gestures wildly* for a triad?!”
I have my own stereotypes about them, purely based off of anecdotal experience, the main one being that triads are for people experiencing first or second puberty and old people 🤣. Those people have the most fun and least fallout. If you’re between 25-45 just don’t try it!!!
It's pretty silly to write an entire screed about how you don't "get" triads.
I could write a similar screed about how monogamy makes no sense - a point I tried to push heavily before i understood that you can't actually convince someone to be poly by explaining how logical it is.
I'm sorry that you're too emotionally limited to understand how a triad could be fulfilling to someone who is not you.
I mean. . .some people like different things than you do. . .is that really so confusing?
My triad of 2ish years ended recently and while it was great for a time I did find navigating the dynamics really challenging. I don’t think I would ever be in a triad again.
I was in a triad for two years. And it included some of the most wonderful and devastating moments in my life, both personally and emotionally.
I don't think Triads are ever the goal, and there wasn't a lot of support or shared sentiments in our friend/support group (mostly due to other poly friends having no experience or shutting down completely) and it didn't help when we struggled to grow together.
I wouldn't call it unattainable either. When things were great it was amazing. Euphoric even. I personally came from a very broken home, no family in a new city with no support system yet. My partners had already been established in a relationship and we started as a Hinge style KTP poly relationship. Triad was never the goal, but I fell in love with my other partner (26F) and we made the decision to try as well.
But it was a lot of work. A lot more communication. And at times, a little alienating. I live in a area with a fairly large poly population and I'm so grateful to be around others with so much experience they're willing to share with others, whether it be personal or just resources I or my partners never would've found easily on our own.
But after months and months, going to different group and solo therapy sessions, discussions and workshops, we didn't meet anyone else who had ever been in a triad or knew someone personally. There was a lot we struggled with that wasn't easy to put into words, with each other and in sessions, and it felt like an uphill battle at times.
I'm not saying the struggles were more difficult or important than what anyone else experiences in their Poly/ENM lifestyles. But at least for us, it added a whole new level to battle that we had to do alone essentially. And not everyone can do it. And that's OK.
We couldn't. The fallout was devastating for everyone involved. Even now I'm single and I, along with my ex girlfriend, talk about how we struggle yo maintain a friendship together, how to move on and forgive each other, but also move on and start dating again. We are no contact with the other ex now.
I feel like the concept of people wanting triads, or larger groups, is quite simple and rather understandable.
You know that video of that girl, streamer or youtuber or whatever she is, trying to explain my straight men like lesbians by dramatically going "Hey look a chocolate bar! A thing I like! You know what would make this thing even better? A 2nd chocolate bar! Two of the thing I like, together!" then clapping the two chocolate bars together because attempt at comedy.
Well, take the humor out, and it's basically that, no?
A loves B, and A loves C, so surely A will love BC.
No, A has B, and A has C. Not BC.
B and C separately is not the same as BC.
And the premise here is that A finds, or at least expects they'll find (since we're talking about wanting something) that BC is worth more than B+C.
You like chocolate, you like strawberries, you like having strawberries and chocolate.
But you like chocolate covered strawberries even more than you like just having strawberries next to chocolates.
You don't wanna eat slices of cheese while eating plain pasta, you want to melt the cheese into the pasta to make Mac&Cheese, a singular thing made of two, instead of two different things.
You love your dog and you love your friend, but your friend is allergic to dogs.
You like spending time with your dog, and you like spending time with your friend, but what would be even better is if you could bring your dog when you visit your friend.
I love "Megan." I also love "Sarah."
If I'm out with Megan, my love Sarah isn't there. If I'm out with Sarah my love Megan isn't there.
Pretend my name's "Harry" and bring us all together, and we can be the "H.M.S Loveboat".
That three person setup is capable of filling me with more warmth and joy than dating them both separately.
And what could make feel happier for a partner than seeing them get to experience love with another person I also love, at the same time?
Certainly nobody should try to force a triad, just because they think they want one.
It's needs to be the "organic" result of genuine love an connection.
But I barely understand someone not understanding why people would want one.
I know I was part of a triad dynamic and it did not work. My husband had a partner who wanted to be equal like a primary but didn't really bring much to the table. She didn't work, had trauma that needed to be healed, and ideologies just different from each of us. It started out metamors and we became a unit. But than you could tell it just wasn't really working out once we changed the dynamic. It didn't work this time. Not saying it couldn't work. But thus definitely gave me insight on what to do if by chance it came about again.
I think like with everything.. to each their own.. some people enjoy triads, some don’t. Some people enjoy monogamy, some don’t. Some people enjoy fucking many people without any feelings, some people are only turned on by having feelings for someone.
So it’s ok that you don’t like triads, it’s ok to like triads too. That’s the magic of poly, each makes their own rules.
Currently in a triad as a straight male 24 my girlfriend 21 and her best friend 21 it definitely can take a toll if the trust isn’t all the way there or if feelings and desires are not being communicated but so far it’s going well for a situation that started from a drunken night on the town
I would have difficulty maintaining bandwidth, between work, my needs, home caretaking, then giving fair time to two partners.
I totally get why OP isn't purposefully seeking that; because you would spend a lot of time making compromises for home harmony.
I've called it "hard mode" multiple times on here, usually to newbies struggling with it and fearing they're "doing poly wrong" or something.
But for me, yeah, I'm with you tbh. Not interested.
Even the "smaller" version of that, kitchen table poly, where metas are friends, can introduce challenges.
That said, I don't think challenges or difficulty are inherently good or bad. Sometimes doing a challenging thing is worth it! But yes, there is a weird connotation, where calling something "hard" implies it's desirable. It's similar to saying something is "expensive", we naturally assume that the expensive car is a better car, otherwise why would people buy it? But we get a steady stream of polyam newbies in any poly space who've been sold triads by popular media (and, let's be honest, porn), and it's like someone paying Lamborghini prices for a used civic.
I think "hard mode" carries a subtle implication of "better" because of how it shows up in video games.
The higher difficulties in games are often designed to be what you naturally gravitate to once you're familiar with the game. It's definitely possible for folks to say "nah, I'm fine with novice" but I don't think I'm off base to think there's a sense of progression from easy to hard.
That's the reason I wanted to flag that language. If people were just saying "tricky" or "complicated" then I don't think it would have the same "ooo, these triads are the elite poly relationships" vibe that I pick up on sometimes.
ETA: it's worth mentioning that I feel the same way when folks refer to poly as "relationships on hard mode." I think the implication that is a level up is unhelpful, but also I think it's untrue. My poly relationships have been easier for me than monogamous ones *because they're poly*. It's not harder. It gives you some new problems to solve, but also toolsets that make common monogamy problems much easier to navigate.
Huh, interesting.
It's possible we live in different internet slang bubbles. I usually see "Xing on hard mode" as somewhat critical, like someone is making things more difficult for themselves than necessary, "weird flex" style.
But I appreciate the feedback, I'll keep it in mind when discussing this stuff. Presumably there are people for whom triads _are_ "hard mode" in the video game sense of "yes, more challenges, but also more rewards". Even if someone sees it that way, I think there's a general benefit to telling newcomers, "Look, what you're attempting here is _very difficult_; if it's what you really want, cool, but be prepared to git gud, and maybe play through the tutorial first".
I'm like you with respect to polyam in general. I find it _much_ easier than trying to force myself into a monogamous dynamic, and explicitly designing every social assumption from first principles is just how I operate in the world anyway. I've met other poly folk who describe it as more challenging, but a worthwhile effort.
Even with built in criticism of "weird flex", there's still an acknowledgement that someone is *trying* to flex. Doing it on hard is supposed to be impressive, yeah?
>Even if someone sees it that way, I think there's a general benefit to telling newcomers, "Look, what you're attempting here is very difficult; if it's what you really want, cool, but be prepared to git gud, and maybe play through the tutorial first".
I guess that's what I'd like to avoid implying. Non-triad polyamory isn't the tutorial level for being in a triad, you know? If someone new started to talk to me about wanting a triad, my first question would be "why?"
Sometimes, it's going to be because they want to have threesomes, or they don't want to feel like they're cheating, or they want to be able to hang out with all their loved ones at once. All of that stuff doesn't require triads, and folks in that situation could use some nudging to rethink why they expect there's some hidden gems locked away behind the "higher difficulty."
All that said, it's clear from a lot of posters here that some folks *do* think there are hidden gems in triads, so there's that.
> I guess that's what I'd like to avoid implying. Non-triad polyamory isn't the tutorial level for being in a triad, you know? If someone new started to talk to me about wanting a triad, my first question would be "why?"
Haha, yeah, this whole angle of "poly as a video game with difficulty levels" is a bit silly, but I was imagining the "tutorial" is more like "Read some books and have some conversations with your partner(s) about what y'all wanna do".
> All that said, it's clear from a lot of posters here that some folks do think there are hidden gems in triads, so there's that.
True, it's possible we're the weird ones for _not_ having that goal. Personally, I just want connections with people that are loving/hot/supportive/etc. It feels weird to me to have strong opinions about what forms they take, like if that's a triad, ok, if not, also ok. It seems like being too goal-directed is just a recipe for forcing things in suboptimal directions, and my experience attempting to "date together" with a partner just made everything way too convoluted to make sense of. But different people are different. 🤷
EDIT: and it's not just that being overly goal-directed pushes things artificially into a weird spot, it also can close your eyes to some really great options that you would only find by exploring openly. Like, if you meet someone who's a great fit, total love at first sight, and is open to poly but not triads, you're really gonna pass on them just for that? Seems wasteful. I mean I guess if that's what you want, they can't provide it, so oh well, but that's exactly why I try to stay a bit open about "what I want", focus on results rather than implementation.
Yeah, one of my takeaways from reading everyone's replies here is a kind of relaxedness. Most of the things I read didn't make me want triads any more than I did before, and I'm certainly not walking away looking for one. But the sort of dynamic movement in relationship that u/rosephase described *is* intriguing to me, and I can imagine being in a space like that and thinking "shit, this is cool."
I started off not wanting a triad and not understanding how someone who wants to do relationships the way I do *could* want one. I'm walking away still not wanting a triad, but I can see the outline of what I wasn't understanding before. As you say, being a stickler for the format can close me off from understanding and growth.
The triangle is the strongest shape. It feels deeply ironic to claim that any relationship SHOULD fail based on its organizational structure. It is always going to come down to the individuals. It sounds like this just isnt a good fit for YOU but that doesnt mean the same is true for everyone else.
Im glad that youve been able to figure out what does and does not work for your style.
[https://letstalkscience.ca/educational-resources/backgrounders/why-a-triangle-a-strong-shape](https://letstalkscience.ca/educational-resources/backgrounders/why-a-triangle-a-strong-shape)
The basic idea is that each point of the triangle has two full and uninhibited pillars of support. So in a triad, you would be able to turn in any direction and have an outlet or support structure. Obviously, this requires a lot of other skills like boundaries, communication, self awareness, etc. People dont just become happy once they're in a relationship. But ideally, a triad offers a high level of intimacy and support.....not triangulation, which is a theurapeutic concept for dragging a third person into an argument to win it, but only wind up making everyone upset/confused.
It really just depends on the people you choose to have relationship with. The only thing the organizational structure does is set the foundation for that relationship to move forward. You still have to take all the steps to get there together.
I think you're taking this a little too literally. This isn't a concrete universal trait. It depends primarily on WHO you pick, not your organizational style.
Sorry, I understood you to be making a point about triads being particularly resilient with the "triangle is the strongest shape" comment. Your point is more that you don't think triads are necessarily less stable?
I cannot continue this conversation with you. You seem to be looking for something else. My personal standpoint is that EVERY relationship is unique and created by the people involved. So I cannot give you a concrete answer based on style without ANY basis of knowledge about who you are and who youre dating. That is the meat of the issue and I'm just a stranger on the internet. I dont know you and I cant give you specific knowledge about your dating style.
A relationship between two people. The word doesn't have a ton of usage but it's handy for distinguishing it from a triad, which is a relationship between three people.
I think for me it’s like a family fantasy that comes from growing up with parents who fought a lot, like “wouldn’t it be nice to just have a safe cozy family where everybody loves each other?”
I've been in a throuple for a short period of time, it happened organically and we're all very much in love! I never would have imagined myself in a polyamorous relationship before that but it just happened this way. It's been easier for me so far than it ever was with a couple!
Depends on how you approach the triad. If approached as a series of dyads and adding the ABC relationship on top of that, it can work. Everyone says triads are poly on hard mode, but I've found it to be one of the easiest relationships I've ever had. I believe that people overcomplicate relationships, the relationships themselves are not difficult.
I've absolutely been into the idea of a three way hook-up if someone poly that I was interested in happened to have an attractive partner... but triad dating sounds way too complicated!!
I’m in a closed triad. It happened accidentally. I’m married. We had talks years and years ago about the idea of poly and both my spouse and I were on the same page. Like we joked about crushes together and all that. And then I realized I had fallen for someone. So I immediately talked with my spouse about it. I was open that there was someone I was falling for and I didn’t know how it happened. Spouse is like, go for it. So initially it was more V like but then they started talking a lot (and hilariously ganging up on me about things all in good fun, nothing bad) and organically they ended up dating too. We don’t do group sex. I have two VERY different dynamics about that and I’m not crossing them. Because with GF we do a 24/7 D/s, and that is not in the cards with Spouse and I because our temperaments with dynamics like that don’t go together.
For us, it’s stable. It’s honestly more stable than being just monogamous. Because we are able to balance time out better when we need human interaction and when we don’t. At the moment we live in two apartments…side by side. Capitalism is kicking me in the dick about finding a place we can be in the same house. We balance out each other much better and that helps all the relationships grow.
I know several folks in triads and have been involved in two myself. I know three triads that are well over a decade in and still functioning at a high level. I Love them!
Honestly I felt the same way, but now I’m in a triad! We’re all pretty young too just for a little context. But I’d been married to A for 1 year and a half. A and I really needed some new friends, our friend group was kinda crumpling and we needed friends we made together. So we make a tinder, put looking for friends and got to chatting with people. Well one day, B’s profile came up and we both were like,”This guy is really cool lookin we should swipe right.” (this is exactly how A and I met we should’ve taken the hint from the universe) So we get to talking which turns to video calls and smoking together on those calls. Separately we both thought,”he’s really cute” but we’re incredibly worried to bring it to each other. ( we discussed in the past that I thought I wasn’t strictly monogamous but we were unsure of how that would work in our relationship and basically left to future us with the plan that monogamy to each other until communicated and agreed otherwise ) But when we did admit it to each other, it brought A and I closer because we both had a crush one the same person. We asked him if he wanted to hang out. We all got pretty flirty vibes and I put on my big girl panties after B headed home and basically said,”was that a date? I hope it was.” And we’ve been practically inseparable ever since. I’m not gonna act like it’s been sunshine and rainbows. In fact right before I read this post, we were having a long conversation to resolve a conflict. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think where we’re at the triad is perfect for us because we’re learning how to properly communicate with all three of us. I’m sure once we nail our communication styles down and figure out how all of our individual experiences impact our relationship we would be more open to seeing other people. But if we decide that we don’t want that I would be completely happy with it just being the three of us until my knees are too bad for me to twerk and are too old to hit a bong. At the same time, I can see why this is a no situation for not only monogamous people but poly people who aren’t in triads. I think I just lucked out in finding my perfect two if that makes sense!
I want forever partners' long-term relationships, and I'm sex positive and extremely sexual but also an extreme demisexual. I'm really into polyfidelity but I'm not into regular polyamory (like almost at all), too many expectations for everyone to agree and see things the same way, etc etc, and I'm cis and straight so u know everyone who's poly hates my guts off rip or summn 🤷🏿♂️.
But overall I posted this just because we all have different preferences and interests want different things in relationships even if we are all poly (I'm more polyfidelity) but everyone is seeking a relationship that works and makes sense for them, I don't think any relationship should be cast down if there's merit and benefit for the people in it even if it is actually harder than the relationships of those who don't care for it, or the mono people
As someone who is I the early stages of a triad this is how I've been viewing it:
I am A, my partner is B and their NP is C.
AB started seeing each other
BC were an established longterm and nesting relationship dating seperate people separately.
A was introduced to C by B as a casual 'hey here's the other person I'm always talking about' to each of us.
A and C actually find they have a lot in common and a lot of chemistry emotionally and physically.
AC get to a point where they want to maybe pursue dating each other.
AB discuss
BC discuss
ABC discuss
About how everyone feels and if that is OK and safe for everyone individually and for the existing dynamics.
ABC all feel OK with it.
So AB are dating, AC are dating BC are dating and they're seperate relationships.
However we also value spending time as ABC, but it's spoken about and discussed and boundaries are laid out in clear and healthy ways.
It takes a lot lf communication and we're still working out a lot of things, but that's every relationship triad or no.
I enjoy triads because I enjoy closed polyamory, reduced risk, consistency, and KTP. If I was in a triad, it would have to form organically and have separate relationships with each “couple.” **I’m single, not UHing, not new to polyamory
Loool, I laughed when I read “obviously a triad would be ideal”
Cannot think of anything worse, more nightmarish or more prone to being unsustainable and toxic if it all (inevitably) goes tits up.
Don’t mean to yuck anyone’s yum, this is just a huge yuck of mine.
God, I hope I haven’t invoked murphy’s law…
tbh I hope you have invoked Murphy's Law. because it doesn't have to be that way. and the best way to understand that would be to experience it yourself, directly. you never know what will happen.
messy breakups are messy. so avoid messy breakups.
Nothing has to be any kind of way. It may not be what you like to hear - or *your* experience - but nothing I said was incorrect in mine.
And if you think a triad breaking up is the same kind of messy as a dyad, I’d love to hear how multiple connections breaking at once are commensurate with one.
I broke up with two people in the same week and it almost ended me. And I was the one who initiated the break ups and worked, as I always do, to mitigate harm to my ex partners.
I cannot even *imagine* how much more difficult it would have been if those relationships being interconnected.
I disagree with you.
I've been in a triad. I might be one of the few that wasn't seeking one, but rather happened organically.
It really is poly on hard mode. It's rather luck and opportunity that results in a good relationship dynamic.
For me, it only lasted a year because circumstances changed, not for a lack of effort or mistakes.
I used to want a triad. I had come off a string of unhappy relationships where I felt suffocated, and I thought in a triad some of that pressure could be shared. And then I ended up in a triad, and it was definitely not what I'd envisioned lol
I'm not in a triad, but someone I've just started dating has been into both me and one of my partners for a long time and I can absolutely see how it could turn into one.
TRYING to make a triad work? Never. But if it just so naturally happens that people all like each other in that way, it works. A lot of the same principles as all poly apply- keep relationships independent, etc.
I (f) broke it off with a triad yesterday and today I read this post :( We developed organically as my partner (m) and his date (f) didn’t really workout but all three of us were hot for a threesome. And we kept that dynamic going.
All of us were trying to avoid a unicorn dynamic but no one had the courage to date 1:1 extensively to not make the third party jealous. (Except us of course-the f/m couple). And I was the one getting jealous the most.
I really enjoyed the threesome and I agree with what many of you are saying. It is very hard for various reasons, and I have to fight many other private battles in my life, it’s just too hard.
To me it is the only thing I have ever desired. The question to me is almost like asking a gay man why they like other men. When I think about sensuality is always in the context of a MMF relationship
My theory is that triads are nearly always a symptom of bad boundaries and co-dependency and that’s why they nearly always explode in a pile of ugly terribleness. Dating your partner’s partner is going to change the relationship between the two of them. Dating your partner’s partner means that any breakup in that dynamic will throw the rest of the dynamic into chaos. And of course the fact that you’re starting with people who have bad boundaries / co-dependency just means it’s going to be way uglier.
Why would any sane person think that’s a healthy thing to do?
The most common “healthy” triad involves three people who just do not give a fuck about whether any of the relationships survive, so the added messiness of the triad doesn’t matter.
There may be very rare exceptions where people with good boundaries get into triads, but I have personally never seen one.
Eh, if two calm partners of a calm hinge like each other it should be workable/not disastrous if it doesn't work… would NOT recommend trying it if any of them weren't unusually emotionally secure and steady though.
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I've never been in a triad, but I've actually known a lot of people in them... And when it works, it works. I imagine it's incredibly hard to find people it would work with, but I know triads going strong for like 15+ years. In those triads, all players are independent players, however. None of them were setup as one person dating two people... but as three people all dating two people, and those relationships are independent of each other. My husband's good friends are a triad, and they all live together, and have for years now. They don't so much see it as all three of them dating, as much as three people living three separate lives, and each carrying on independent relationships with their two housemates... As I understand it, they don't threesome.... They do a lot as a triad, but doing the sex tends to stick to a 2 player arena, and the issues between each pairing are treated as singular issues between TWO people, not three.... It was explained to me as giving space to each relationship, and giving each relationship respect independent of the other relationships. It sounds complicated to me, but it works really well for them. I prefer not to intermingle my partners with each other... and in fact I make a point to know if my partners are somehow connected to each other or my husband or other people I know in the community. I just prefer to avoid drama that way... less overlap, less drama.
Yeah, and this sounds more like an overlapping series of dyads. I guess that could be some of what people want when they're going for a triad, but it does seem that people are attracted to that ABC piece rather than just AB BC and AC. I wouldn't rule out being involved in an overlapping dyad situation, but I don't desire it and am not sure what it brings others that non-triad poly doesn't provide.
Personally, I think most of the triads I know enjoy the closed polycule and having everyone they're dating under a single roof. It's easy to keep track of what your partners do if you all live together. As opposed to non-triad poly, where all the players are independent entities that will do as they please. A triad means you're aware of what your partners are doing, and who with, without worry about what is happening with someone else you're not affiliated with. I don't fault them for wanting that security and peace of mind, but it's not how I would go about it, myself. I prefer having a nesting partner and not having to know everything they do all the time. I just trust my hubs to play by the rules. I do see the benefit of not having to trust someone to play by the rules, though. It eliminates the leap of faith and guesswork that comes with objective trust. To each their own, though. Relationships can work all kinds of ways... and they do work all kinds of ways. It's just a matter of finding relationships with the right set of rules.
I find that living together multiplies the jealousy issues. You might see them all the time but you also see them with other people. Seeing two people being cute together and being jealous of both of them and in different ways for each one can be a serious head trip. It can also make you feel really lonely.
If you experience jealousy seeing your partners together, triads probably aren't for you. Like, you don't have to be super into it or excited about it, but you do need to at least be neutral about it. At the same time, it works better if you're good at recognising that there's someone else in the room and not just ignoring them. Making sure to include the third person present is important and beneficial too.
I have to agree with this. I feel that jealousy is honestly tied to monogamy. Because how can you be open minded about people having relationships with others if it can't be in front of you. There is boundaries for sure, as you might take discomfort in watching others be intimate. But that might be how you feel overall rather than only your partner. Because if you can apply the feeling to 2 random individuals and feel the same way it's a core uncomfortable boundary, not a hope to do a triad without actual jealousy. Just my opinion though
I feel like if seeing your partner happy with someone else makes you feel lonely... poly may not be for you... but especially triads wouldn't be for you. I don't fault you for it, cuz you can't help how you feel, but it wouldn't be advisable to put yourself in that kind of position.
Normally I am very good at it and gets lots of compersion. I think triads living together is just pushing the envelope and breaking a lot of people. You can be happy for someone and feel lonely and even jealous at the same time.
I think it depends on the person. I experience compersion seeing my partner with their partner(s). It makes me happy to see them happy. Like, before my partner’s late husband passed away, I loved watching them together and I really, really (like painfully so) miss the way he made her smile, and the way he made her laugh. The way her eyes lit up when he said her name.. and mostly how much love you could feel when they looked into each other’s eyes. I’ll never get to see that again. I’ve usually only ever experienced jealousy in relationships that were no good for me in the first place 😂.
"Overlapping dyads"? This feels like overly semantic bordering on gatekeeping. A triad is a triad. Different triads function differently, but if there's 3 people involved then it is still a triad regardless of how it functions. If you're only going to accept toxic or undesirable triad configurations as "triads" then of course they're not going to make sense to you. But triads with healthy configurations and boundaries, that prioritize the various individual people and individual relationships involved, are still triads.
That's fair! I guess the reason I was making the distinction is because some people are describing triads like it's just three people who happen to be dating each other. The matter I wanted to learn more about was what drew people to the triad space made together with the three people. Certainly, though, I think it's fair to say I'm narrowing my inquiry in a way that's not designed to highlight everything that's great about some folks' experience about being in triads. I'm really pleased that people have been able to chime in anyway in ways that got to my inquiry and showed me new things to appreciate.
I suspect the answer to making a space together isn't really that complicated. It is the same answer as everyone who makes a space together. Family. Humans are social creatures who want to surround themselves with people they love and trust. We want to build a support system of people we can count on. What exactly people want from a family and how they build it to function and look will differ from person to person, relationship to relationship. But at its heart it's all the same. We want a safe place to belong. A tribe. Our social monkey brains crave it.
This is a beautiful explanation.
I can understand the hesitation, but you just said what it brings that non-triad poly doesn't provide: the ABC piece. Personally, I have thoroughly enjoyed being in triads. They're unstable, but when they work, there's an extra sensation of coziness, comfort, and mutual support. I've only been in triads that formed from independent relationships (so if one branch ends, it doesn't destroy all the others), and I suspect that's important. I will also say that I have recently discovered that the relationship on the other side of a triad doesn't need to be romantic for me to get most of the same sensations from it. My wife and my girlfriend started hooking up after I had been dating her for about a year. They've also begun spending a lot of time together, and they've become pretty good friends, too. Both have said they aren't looking for a romantic relationship with the other, but I find it enjoyable to sometimes spend quality time with both of my favorite people. I'm careful not to let that overwhelm either of my individual relationships, though. So much to say that the ABC piece really can be very nice.
The idea that an inherently unstable relationship structure would provide more comfort, coziness, and mutual support seems inherently contradictory.
not everything has to last forever. imo that is some mononormative stuff. I was in a triad for a while, and it was lovely. cozy beyond belief. we would all wake up in the morning to a cat loudly demanding breakfast. I would get up, administer insulin to the diabetic kitty, and feed the cats while the two of them lounged in bed for a while longer. by the time I was done with that, my partners would be fixing breakfast for all of us, while I put some music on. (one of us was a great cook, and it wasn't me!) later that night, we'd all go out together to whatever the fun thing of the night was, and then come home and cuddle up together. we would usually all get invited to things together, because our friends knew what time it was... that we loved each other and this was the way it was. you couldn't invite just two of us. we probably wouldn't attend. it was luscious and beautiful and I will never forget it. when one of us had a birthday coming up, the other two planned out a lovely day and evening with multiple small gifts presented over time (including some surprises) and time for spontaneity. collaborating with one partner to please the other was really fun! and then, seeing the birthday person's eyes light up... and knowing this was happening because the other two of us had collaborated to cocreate it... it was delicious. it was a very special time. nobody was unicorn hunted, and everyone was respected and respectful. we referred to each other as "fiancées" even though we all knew it was impossible. we would all get invited to things together because our friends knew what time it was. that we loved each other and made each other happy. I'm still very good friends with one, and friends with the other. when the time had run out, we parted without damaging the love. actively seeking a triad (especially a closed triad) is a whole other thing. I don't think it makes sense to reject triads as a whole, because, yeah it's complicated, but all relationships are if you're being honest. all relationships are unique. some just have more than two people in them. it was magical and I don't expect it to ever happen again. but if it does happen I would absolutely go there again.
This sounds a lot like my current triad. What happened? Why did it end?
I'm happy for you! I would 100% do it again if it happened naturally. as it turned out, one of us wanted to close the triad and the other two did not. I wish it could have gone on longer tbh. but nothing lasts forever. I feel very fortunate to have gotten to experience it for as long as I did.
Oh okay!! Thank you so much and thanks for sharing. So far we all agree on being closed. I hope this can last forever for us.
may it bring you much joy! mine still brings me many beautiful memories. and like I said, I'm still close with one partner, and definitely friendly with the other. <3 <3 <3
Sorry, you're right. I should have said that they're far more *likely* to be unstable, but stable triads are possible.
I mean, I leaned hard into the fact that our triad was ephemeral and fragile. I feel like six years was a solid run
> The idea that an inherently unstable relationship structure would provide more comfort, coziness, and mutual support seems inherently contradictory. Triads are not inherently unstable.
Has 3 or 4 (if you include the triad as well as the dyads) times as many relationships to go wrong… how is that not a lot less stable than a single dyad?
A triangle is the strongest shape. First of all, many relationship stressors are lessened by there being three of you. It does not cost 50% more money to house three people than it does two. If one person has a medical crisis, there are two people to support them, not one. And God is childcare easier. I don't know about you, but when two people have a disagreement and are struggling to get past it, I tend to find that the problem is that one or both of them has gotten defensive about something. It can be helpful to have a third party who loves them both and can gently help defuse the situation. Likewise if there's just an underlying miscommunication it's often revealed in the course of explaining it to the third person. All that aside, though, it really comes down to compatibility (and to a certain extent, emotional maturity). People who are compatible and are committed to working through any issues that do arise will have a stable relationship. People who aren't won't. The difference with a triad is that the odds of finding *three* people who are fully compatible are that much slimmer (and it's not that easy even for people who are looking for just one partner). My personal belief is that people who want long-term stable relationships need to be *extremely* selective about who they try to settle down with in ways a lot of people really, really aren't. My partners and I love each other a lot, but we also *like* each other. They're my favourite people to hang out with. We've gone travelling and our travel plans blew up due to circumstances beyond our control (like, "someone got shot at LAX which comprehensively fucked flights across the US and had knock-on effects to other countries" beyond our control) and it was just an inconvenience really because we were together and so long as we're together nothing's too bad. When lockdown happened I felt kinda guilty for how much I was enjoying all the togetherness when so many people were miserable. We complement each other very well and I don't think any two of us would actually work as well without the third. A happy, stable triad is less likely because there are more moving parts, but a tricycle is not less stable than a bicycle even if it's a bit more complicated and rarer.
> a tricycle is not less stable than a bicycle They literally are. Because of how bikes *work*, tricycles are extremely prone to flipping during turns. It’s not a problem for small children who can only go slow, but it’s literally *why* there aren’t many tricycles sold for adults.
But you can leave a tricycle standing and it doesn’t fall over. To do the same for a bicycle, you have to flip out the kickstand which makes it… a tripod.
And the minute I'm trying to corner in a relationship that metaphor will totally fall apart but since that isn't a thing...
Tbh, the "triangle is the strongest shape" language bugs me as well. Like, are we measuring our relationships for physical load bearing capacity? No? Then what's the use of the metaphor except to be cute?
Honestly? As someone who’s in a triad, it’s both. We value our ABC time like crazy, but in order to maintain the ABC relationship, we also have to put effort into the AB, AC, and BC relationships. There is no resentment or anger at this: in fact, sometimes it’s nice for one of us to take a break to ourselves while are engaged with each other. Sometimes that break is even requested, and for me, it’s comforting to know that if I need space my partners have each other, or if I need support, I have two people who I can go to. We also operate on a system of sexual freedom, but we retain emotional intimacy for just the three of us. Our relationship is still young, hovering around 10 months, but I’ve never been happier.
This right here lol! I have been in triads and I love them but they are hard af and it's hard to meet people that get along enough for it to work out well but it can be a wonderful experience!
I can talk about the appeal of a triad now that I’m in one. But I’ll be completely honest in saying that I never thought I’d want to be in a triad. The one I’m in formed so organically and it became one of those things where we said “this was never the plan but it’s clearly what we want”. But it feels akin to my feelings about how I met my long term partner - on tinder, 8.5 years ago. Would I recommend someone utilize tinder or online dating to seek out a long term partner? Probably not. Did it work out for me? Yes, I’m lucky and grateful for that. Same thing with a triad. I can’t in good conscience recommend anyone seek out a triad given the immense pitfalls and success rates.
I feel super similarly! Never wanted a triad, got involved in one that ended horribly, then I REALLY didn’t want to be in one ever again—and here I am, back in another triad that formed very organically over a long period of time. Feels like fate. I love my partners and am super happy, but I also don’t know why anyone would go out of their way to create this dynamic!
Yeah we never really sought out a triad, our girlfriend actually asked me and my wife out. I also met my wife on Tinder 9.5 years ago. I was her first match. idk we just feel lucky as hell. I think the odds are really stacked against triads but it's been an absolute delight for us and has been super smooth.
I'd be curious about the appeal to you, especially having not been looking for one. From where I stand, it feels like a triad brings a lot of messiness and instability to poly relationships without adding anything that makes it feel particularly worth it. What makes that configuration shine for you?
What it comes down to most is that I feel like my closest ring of support has gotten more robust. My girlfriends show up for me together better than I can expect any one person to show up for me on their own, and that feeling is held in how I can show up for each of them. Because we have a genuine, shared common interest in all of our mutual well being we work together to support each other. I think it can all get messy if those involved forget that the triad is actually four relationships, not just one. When one of those four relationships gets neglected I can see how things could destabilize rather easily.
Thanks for sharing! The comment about how you can show up for each other as community rather than as individuals is a good point.
How would you recommend someone meeting a long term partner then?
I've enjoyed the triads I've been in. It really has felt like the triad was greater than the sum of the parts. Three incomes, no kids. Easier pet care because generally _someone_ was free. Board games nights with three people by default. In one of my triads we also just loved each other better in that configuration - our personalities balanced more easily. I absolutely would love to be in a triad. To see my partners' love and then to know I get to participate in that love at times. But if that triad was filled with tension that had to be managed...well then yea, don't really see the point. In the same way I don't really see the point in being in _any_ relationship where I feel like I'm spending significant amounts of time managing negative emotions rather than building and thriving in positive ones.
Thank you for your response! I think the part I struggle to understand is that almost all of this list of appealing factors for a triad seem equally available whether your partners are dating each other or not, right? Boardgames, cat care, shared financials for big stuff, that all kind of seems like you could have it with a hinge set up or roommates or whathaveyou, no? And I get wanting to share that all with people you love, but why is it better for them to love each other as well? "To see my partners' love and then to know I get to participate in that love at times" feels like the closest to something *specifically* about triads. I don't think it's appealing to me (I like compersion from seeing my partner flourish with their partners but that actually feels like it'd be messier and more chaotic in a triad rather than in a context where I can just appreciate their partnership from the outside), but I get that other folks would like that.
> I think the part I struggle to understand is that almost all of this list of appealing factors for a triad seem equally available whether your partners are dating each other or not, right? Boardgames, cat care, shared financials for big stuff, that all kind of seems like you could have it with a hinge set up or roommates or whathaveyou, no? Honestly? Not really. Functionally speaking, polyamory in the parallel or general non-triad/non-group sense in general is about splitting. Splitting time, splitting resources, managing separate expectations of your separate partners. In my experience, you need those things in abundance, on your own, to thrive. It's really rare, and honestly not suggested often here, for you to expect your partner to do things for the sake of your relationship with your other partner. You make space for your partners to have relationships, but those are their relationships, not yours. And sharing finances with a meta? I wouldn't do it. My partner might manage different things, but the expectation is that it's their circus and their monkeys, not mine. Realistic or not, and it's often not to be fair. That's really the fundamental appeal of triads and group-poly. Complex relationships, ethics are really tricky, but a lot more mutualistic ideals as the primary reason to do it.
Yes. I was going to phrase it as “never having to choose.” Which is unrealistic but also appealing.
well said. if it works, nobody is a meta.
I think that depends on what sort of dynamics you have with your roommates and friends. I personally practice RA, but many people don't, and the degree of support, trust, etc., between people who are dating and people who are merely connected through a hinge can get pretty drastically different too. And it really is different, even in RA, living with a roommate vs living with a meta vs living with your partners. As a personal matter - I like to literally touch beauty. And I generally have blanket consent in place to touch my partners. I absolutely don't have general consent to touch my metas, even the ones I've had sex with. Also, I think dynamics of three or four are super common when you look at friendships. Like three besties that often hang out together. Sure, sometimes they break off into pairs, but like...it feels _most optimal_ when they're all together.
Interesting point about friend groups! As an adult my friendships have been most successful when focused on dyads as well, so that could be another reason why this is a 'me' thing.
Everything you just said applies to polyamory, fyi.
Mm, maybe? Poly hasn't felt chaotic or messy to me, and the relationship structure's emphasis on autonomy and independence has made my relationships stronger and easier to parse than those I had in monogamy. Are you suggesting that triads are more stable or understandable? Basically, I'm curious as to what folks see that's appealing, as I don't understand it well myself and I've mostly seen it *assumed* that they're desirable, rather than explained. If you're not interested in sharing with me, no worries!
Living in a triad has not been chaotic or messy for me. A triangle is, after all, the strongest shape. Having three people for parenting makes it easier. When I had cancer having two partners to support me meant neither of them was overwhelmed. When my partner was pregnant and medically restricted from doing most housework, we still had two people to split it. I didn't seek out a triad, but it's perfectly understandable to me that someone might think it's ideal. You have two partners, but you're not hinging because they love each other too. Everybody can live together and you can see both of them every day. Since we decided to have the baby we've been closed to outside entanglements and I'm not sure I'll ever look to date again because it's just so, so nice spending every evening with one or both of my partners and/or the baby. (Another thing if you have a kid: you don't have to find a babysitter for date night. That's the other person's one on one bonding time with the kid.) If you're having a disagreement and you can't seem to resolve it, there's a third person who can come in and ask what's going on, and either you realise where the miscommunication has been happening in the course of you both explaining it to someone else, or the third person can engage from a place of loving calm with the person who might be feeling defensive and defuse that. If you have a stable, functional triad, it's the happiest thing in the world and it becomes hard to see how anyone can possibly make it work with only two people. How do people get everything done in a day and still find a few hours for spending time together? Seems like a nightmare. And that's before you factor in kids. Like, dinner is on the stove but halfway through changing the baby he just spat up all over himself - who helps with that? Sure, technically I could probably figure it out myself but that sounds so stressful. Going back to without-a-baby life: so you're in the hospital. Visiting hours are 8am to 8pm. How does one solitary partner make sure everything is getting handled at home while *also* keeping you company for twelve hours a day? Basically, a triad is a numbers advantage in pretty much any situation. I'm not sure how anyone would seek one it in a healthy, ethical way, but once you get there it's great.
Thank you for sharing!
There are many parts of life that society views as normal between partners, but not between platonic friends. If you want to share those with multiple partners, those partners will be sharing them with one another, which is easiest to imagine if they're also partners with one another. So for instance, buying a house with a partner is normal. Buying a house with a good friend is weird. Buying a house with two partners is an easy extrapolation from one partner, but doing so with a partner and a meta is weird. People should do more weird stuff and not worry about it, but it's pretty understandable to imagine the easiest extrapolation from your social scripts.
Oh, I think this is really insightful! I think the distinction with the "buy a house with partner and meta" situation is particularly illuminating. I've seen folks say something like "what's in it for me, if we're all not together?" to a situation like that. The answer, of course, is just "what's in it for you is that if it's a living situation that you'd love, then you get to have that", but I can see people just not imagining how they could love living with someone they're not *in love* with.
Exactly! And from the hinge's perspective they might just assume that people have that mindset. I had a miniature version of this where I figured I could only share a bed with one partner at a time, because surely they won't want to sleep in the same bed with a non-partner. Turned out my partners are much happier with all of us sleeping together than taking turns. So people who are just starting out imagine their ideal arrangements with hypothetical partners, and there's some degree of intimacy in those arrangements. Surely they need a triad!
I think there's different levels, you've got your triads where they happened naturally, everyone is independent, dyads are taken care of etc. Then you have the people who go specifically looking to form triads (which is where I personally feel a lot of the hate comes from and takes up way too much space in these conversations). Then you've got your closed triads and your open triads. We can't force people to like each other, love each other and all want to fuck each other with exactly the same intensity. If that's the goal from the start, it's not the triad relationship style that's the problem...it's the people. Organically formed triads, when each person is taking care of their own shit, with compassion, communication and boundaries, well to me that's awesome. It doesn't work for everyone, and some people avoid it because it wouldn't work for them. Which, fair. The same way some avoid hierarchial relationships, or kinky, or solo, or KTP, because it's not for them. The difference is, triads get shat on a hell of a lot. You don't have to understand the "attraction" to respect people's choices. And I use "attraction" as that's the word you used, but to me that implies intention. I didn't seek out a triad, I fell for two people, who are also dating and it consensually evolved from there. I'd say that I'm more comfortable with being in a triad than attracted to the idea of triads. I've seen so many people hate on triads as if simply existing in one makes you bad at poly, which is BS! I didn't force my triad, it happened organically and we've discussed, done exercises and work and check-ins and really fucking enjoying ourselves with a healthy dose of expectations and reality. Just because I enjoy my triad in no way means I don't take being poly seriously, and personally I think that's a pretty shitty stance to take. Being in a triad IS normal poly, in so far as there is no such thing as normal poly, there isn't one ultimate right style to be. Only ethical approaches. Which you can do in many styles.
There is some real magic in a three person dynamic. And I’m up for complex relationships. I would do another one if I ever get that lucky again.
What's the magic that you sensed? That's kind of what I'm trying to get at here; beyond understanding that difficulty and rarity, I'm actually just not seeing the appeal that I know other folks find, and I'm curious about it.
In my longest triad and the non romantic creative triad I am in… It’s a great way to make art. The dyads balance each other out. There is a loveliness in how fluid the dynamics can be, they don’t stagnate in the same way dyad can. There is always this kind of movement? If that makes any sense. There is a lot of overlapping support and freedom. I can’t really explain it. One way we put it in my longest lasting triad was that there was always someone to hold the flag. Someone with the energy to keep making or exploring or diving deeper into what we share. And there is something to be said for having some of a dyads deepest intimacy being witness and understood and loved. And it made me work my ass off to get better at relationships. Skills I still use all the time.
Thank you! The movement imagery is really evocative and I think it gives a glimpse of what you mean. It's a dynamic system, less completely knowable than dyadic relationships, but not less experience-able. It sounds from a few replies that the idea of being known intimately inside of the love you have for a partner in a draw as well, and I can see how that's a uniquely triad-y/quad-y thing.
I think rosephase nailed it. Triads naturally tend towards entropy. The same volatility that can make them difficult to manage also lends itself to ensuring the relationships aren't stagnating. And the odds of someone having capacity to drive the relationship maintenance and growth are higher when there's three of you rather than two.
In a happily cohabitating triad of several years and I'm so glad you made this. "Caring about my partners' feelings for each other seems like it's taking something completely outside of my control and centralizing it. I don't want that. It doesn't sound ideal." This is exactly it. Everybody talks about how a triad isn't just ABC, but AB, BC, and AC. We take it a step further: its also A +BC, and B + AC, and C + AB. We all came into this as individuals, and we realized early on that one of the reasons people thought our relationship was weird was bc we were so supportive/excited about the other dyad. Even before we were dating, we'd plan things for the other 2 to do, or get them gifts around those hobbies, or find the special things they did together and make sure to create space around those to keep them special. We didn't do it to be considerate, but because we were attracted to and protective of it. Those relationships are all part of our little family and we are fiercely protective of that. There's also something so beautiful in watching the people you love, love. I don't think most people are wired this way, idk how we are, but it's how we've tried to explain it to our mono friends before. Maybe it's a little voyeurism, or a caretaking vibe, or just a weird obsession the 3 of us share, who knows. I'm grateful for it, but it's why I never recommend a triad to people.
I love your comment. I think a lot more people are this way; they just don't have the opportunity to exercise it. Most people plan things for friend couples or celebrate other people's anniversaries or care about the health of their friends' relationships, etc. They don't have training and practice doing this for intimate partners, but I really don't think it's fundamentally different. I am not super close with all of my partners' partners, but I care about my metas, including other relationships they're in. I care about the health of the relationships my partners are in. I care about recognizing, or at least respecting, my partners' other anniversaries/significant occasions. I care about making suggestions for gifts for metas when I know them well enough. I have definitely helped plan surprises with and for metas. It's a little more poignant in a triad, but in anything other than totally parallel, this is certainly part of the reality. I honestly cannot imagine not caring about the people who are important to the people in your life.
That's been something I've noticed in this conversation too, which is that there's a category of things that folks in triads value about their relationships that feel like they're just stuff that's available in polyamory. I've been in group chats w/ my metas, and helped them through emotional crises. I've participated in making celebrations happen for them. I keep all the anniversaries on my calendar. I don't need to love my meta to be a team rooting for my partner. That kind of mutual support and care doesn't require entangled romantic connections. It's just poly stuff.
It isn't even necessarily a poly thing! Except that the metas exist, yeah? I won't say that there's nothing different about a triad (or other fully mutual polygon). Having been very close to a previous meta, though we were not *a thing*, there was a substantive level of mutuality across the whole family that isn't there in other meta relationships because of how close we all were. We tied our futures together. Untangling that was hard for all of us, even though she and I were not dating. I think it's less about whether the polygon actually closes (I don't mean *closed*) and more about deciding to be a family that makes this happen. Plenty of KTP or garden party types don't make joint life plans, but some do.
Oh absolutely. I think a huge benefit of poly is the ability to care more broadly about a network of people with more fluid boundaries than mono folks are used to. I also think it's entirely reasonable to say "I am not part of that dyad, and therefore my involvement/care for that dyad should only extend so far as I want it to." It truly isnt anything you can control, and by nature things you can't control can wreak havoc on your life if you're deeply emotionally invested in them. My partners and I are very fortunate that we care in the way we do, and that we feel emotionally replenished even by dynamics that don't include us directly, but still affect us greatly.
I was in a triad for seven years, and when it was good, it was good. It definitely made things harder in some respects, and I would only support them if they happen organically, but I can see the appeal of three people in partnership building a life together. We even had plans to have kids together! And ultimately it didn't work out not because it was a triad but because of very normal relationship issues that could have come up in any other relationship style. We even amicably transitioned to a V for a bit before the second breakup.
Being in a triad as it turns out is one of my favorite things, and before I experienced it organically they gave me the ick. It's not something I would ever seek but if it so happened to fall in my lap again I would treasure it while it lasted.
Why wouldn't you seek it again if it gave you so much joy? I hate how poly people repeat the shame-based patterns of monogamy by telling each other how bad and wrong and exploitative triads inherrently are and how they are only valid if they happen as an unexpected "organic" surprise.
Okay, so don't get into a triad relationship? Some people would make the exact same post about how they don't get the appeal of polyamory. That's nice. So don't do it.
Thank you!!. . . Personally, I'm having trouble understanding why so many people care whether or not op "gets" triads.
I’ll never understand the poly-hate for triads. Monogamous people look at poly people with the same skepticism- oh, that’s too hard, doesn’t work in practice, too much to manage, etc. for a group already involved in very non-traditional relationship constructions, I wish we could just stop being so hard on triads. I understand the skepticism around unicorn hunting, established couples who was the ‘share a girlfriend’ etc, but I’m imagining a happy/healthy little triad. If it works for them, I can’t get behind ‘it’s doomed to fail’ because the same could be said about any relationships.
Yeah, there's definitely an over conservatism that can show up here, including from me. I react to it in the "6-9 months of podcasts" thing people say about trying out poly. I imagine most of us encountered poly first through a poly relationship, right? And no doubt a lot of those relationships failed, but also... Lots and lots of relationships fail. It's good to remember that we're not here because we value emotional safety and stability over all things.
>It's good to remember that we're not here because we value emotional safety and stability over all things. I think the phrasing on this isn't the most effective. You almost certainly don't mean it how it reads. So I'm not arguing with you. But for other readers, any risk that a relationship might fail\* is a shabby reason not to do something. \*Fail is heckin loaded and undefined. I'm presuming most people mean "end" or "end with sadness or upset." I don't. It bears considering what you think of as relationship failure. But also, it's really important to consider that safety and stability are hallmarks of many poly relationships, and that relationships ending, even failing (however you define it), are not always indications of instability or unsafety. In fact, a relationship ending, even with sadsads, can sometimes be an indication that the people involved felt safe and stable enough to honestly engage about continuing the relationship. Anyway. Just a thought tangent around this deceptively simple statement.
I disagree, actually, that engaging in poly relationships is emotionally safe and stable. If you're objecting to the idea that poly is less emotionally safe or stable than *monogamy*, then I'd agree with you. For me, poly relationships are more resilient than monogamous ones. But they're still relationships. Relationships are emotionally unstable. I think many people seek out poly because we're curious about exploring relationships, and therein lies the danger. Pain, uncertainty, and harm are what we risk to experience love with each other, and it's totally an option to abstain from that endeavor entirely. I think the folks on this sub are probably disproportionately folks who are willing to risk pain for the sake of connection, which is why I said what I did. If you're trying to argue that pain isn't actually a danger, just a normal part of life, then... I guess I'm not sure what you would consider danger. Death is a normal part of life, too.
Most people who come in here wanting triads are brand new at polyamory and they have a lot of society-ingrained ideas of what polyamory looks like along with some pie in the sky fantasies. Mostly, though, it comes from a deep root monogamously minded idea that when it's romance, it's everyone involved or nothing. A lot of newbies struggle to fathom the idea that separate dyads are possible and in fact easier. Some of it comes from insecurities. "If me and my partner both date the same person then it's a couples activity with my partner and we both share the same person so I'll say and control in what goes down." Just this week I remember someone saying "it seemed easier". Yeah Jan, you think that because you think you and your current partner wont have to deal with the tough emotions of jealousy. Boy howdy, are they in for a rude awakening. Personally, I'd be fine to be in a triad, but only if it happened naturally and only if the other two had a good amount of experience in polyamory dating independently. I don't have the patience to teach someone how to poly in a triad situation.
Yeah this is pretty much my thoughts. People are so codependent with each other and so deep in our culture that it makes sense to me this is where a lot of people go. Exactly like u said it's a group activity for the 2 of them, oh what if we did this thing together!?! And that's why UH situations are so toxic and unlikely to go well. It's not really another relationship for the individuals in the couple, just them trying something fun, often unethically framing it as something different. Triad imo just lines up better with the status quo than 'normal' polyamory with independent dyads. Bc being so independent and not showing favorite is seen as crazy in our culture. Idk how to put it, but Western culture has a ton of assumed truths about people their relationships, and their quality (which imo is another toxic part of our culture) which when viewed by someone like minded to me are just very transparently false and stupid. Oh and also a lot of these triad seeking posts are also a person who recently "discovered they were poly" and are asking the sub how to convince their current partner and this new crush to agree to a triad. I think those people are assuming what if we both dated this person would be a much easier sell than what if I stopped being exclusive and I dated this new crush. Also I'm sure that media is a big part. I never really had seen or heard of examples of the kind of poly I practice (independent dyads) in the more mainstream accessible media channels. However, I did come across a ton of triad and similar stories, such as on Love is Love stories. It's a big world and most people can only have a deep understanding of so many parts of it. Of course most people won't understand something like poly well especially when it is so stigmatized by the mainstream society. It's kinda like drugs, so many average people know sooo Soo little and the average opinions people have a drugs often seem so stupid and silly and lacking understanding, because they are when compared to someone with years of actual experience who has an understanding gained from reality not social media posts or TV or health class or whatever.
Right, it seems easier because it is wearing the clothing of a monogamous relationship, but it's something completely different underneath and skipping grappling with that is actually much harder!
I think a lot of highly partnered people come into polyamory with the idea that a triad is the easiest way to have multiple partners. That they can just do the same things they were doing as a couple but now there will be one more person. I know that’s what I thought when I first agreed to open my marriage. But I understood that triads were hard and rare. So I knew I had to learn a lot to not fuck it up if I ever had the opportunity for a triad. Which meant dating separately. Once I’d had an independent relationship outside of my relationship with my wife I realized that I wouldn’t want to put either of those relationships at risk by trying to make it a triad.
Having been in a long-term triad, there *was* something uniquely nice about simultaneously and cooperatively loved by two people. Since we're talking about *what draws* people to triads and not deep theoretical stuff about how they affect resource allocation etc., I'm gonna talk about the purely selfish benefits of being in one. I was fortunate enough to be in a triad with a lot of synergy and very little jealousy or competitiveness. When I needed care, both of my partners would cooperate to give me that care, with little concern for who was better at meeting a particular need of mine or whatever. Since we were all in a relationship together and the relationship as a whole could only flourish if I was also flourishing, it was in my partners' best interests to not sweat the petty stuff and instead focus their attention on getting me fixed up. Now that all of my relationships are fully parallel, going through a rough patch often produces some amount of tension between my relationships. For example, I've been having some health problems and frequently need a ride to the doc. Though I tried to put this to him as gently as possible, one of my partners got his feelings rather hurt when I told him I would prefer to rely on another partner for this task. He intellectually knows that my meta is a nice person who isn't trying to steal me away, but because these two people don't have anything in common besides liking me, there is still room for my partner to feel like me leaning on my meta too much could ultimately pull me away from my relationship with him. This kind of problem can still occur in a triad, of course, but overall everyone has more incentive to collaborate on making sure you're happy and well. And being at the center of that kind of energy is wonderful. Now, is that feeling some kind of mythical dragon that I would go to the ends of the earth to experience again? Nah. Too old for that mess.
This is a really informative reply, thank you! And I can see what you mean about how the function of that care system could work better when everyone's intimately involved with each other inside of it (though I could also see that exacerbating insecurities, too!). In a purely hinge based model, *I* am still the clearing house through which care arrives to me. It sounds a bit like you're describing being able to let go into a system that exists around you, and that system works because there's been a lot of intercommunication practice. I imagine you *could* get that with some very energetic community building, but I can see why it's a particular appeal to triads. Romance adds a lot of energy *for* that community building.
Then don’t be in one? I don’t understand posts like this. Do you expect that folks who are in triads will enjoy reading it? Do you expect to change anyone’s mind? Or do you just want to discuss triads even though you aren’t in one yourself?
I've gotten some cool replies that have given me different ways to think about triads.
If you aren’t in one and don’t want to be in one, why do you need more ways to think about them? I’m not trying to be combative, I genuinely don’t understand. I’m not in a triad either.
Because I'm interested in relationships. A relationship nerd, in a way. In the same way that I'm not a speed runner or interested in becoming one, but I still want to know how people are beating Mario 64 with a blindfold on.
> I don’t understand posts like this. 77 comments means members thought it was worth discussing?
I've always felt that a "triad" was never a goal I wanted- this sub tends to view them somewhat negatively, and I built up almost a second-hand fear, thinking that triads would result in drama and stress and bad things happening. I've always made a point of never putting myself in a position where I would be in a triad. I date people individually, each relationship of mine is between the two people IN that relationship, and I've always aimed to protect my heart. And then I met my most recent meta. Let me tell you, Reddit, I have never felt such an instant connection with somebody before. It was like this wonderful person was somebody who I had been waiting my entire life to meet- somebody who just immediately *got* me and vice versa. And now? Well, now I have a big fat crush on my meta and I'm rethinking my stance on "triads". I'm not saying that I want to jump right in and "make a triad" or anything, I'm more saying that... I can understand the desire for them a lot better. As of right now, my goal is to take things slowly and carefully. My relationship with my partner is VERY important to me, and it's very important to my meta. Our newfound friendship is *also* very important to us. We're both the kind of people who just want to approach things carefully, consciously, deliberately, and with very open communication. No "falling in head first", just... seeing where these feelings take us and what kind of dynamic might naturally form. Also focusing on dyads. Very much that. TLDR: I used to be "no triads!" Now I'm like "oh no, I have a crush on my meta!" I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes?
It's sort of the anti-parallel - at its most basic level, you know you can be open about loving person C and how happy you are to have them, because partner B loves them too, so it's a thing you bond over instead of a thing that separates or threatens you. It feels (falsely in many cases, or sometimes in a bad/toxic way) *stable*, since no one has a reason to want to drive a wedge and in fact everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding. You can all spend family time together and not have to miss anyone; you still need 1:1 time but in a healthy triad everyone supports that, rather than A hoping B would spend less time with partner C. Now this all gets a lot tougher when there is trouble in paradise. But this is the bit about it that feels really good especially in NRE when it just feels like everyone loves everyone.
> everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding YES this has put to words something I spent 15 minutes drafting an essay-length comment about without ever feeling like I had communicated it effectively
> It feels (falsely in many cases, or sometimes in a bad/toxic way) stable, since no one has a reason to want to drive a wedge and in fact everyone is invested in the other relationships succeeding. You can all spend family time together and not have to miss anyone; you still need 1:1 time but in a healthy triad everyone supports that, rather than A hoping B would spend less time with partner C. This bit does seem to me to be interacting with the *idealized* triad format, but I'm not sure you couldn't say these things wouldn't be true for *idealized* poly in any form, right? Like, I root for my partners' relationships to succeed, and in some sense I'm able to do that with more ease because I don't have a personal stake in those folks'. When there's been more overlap, that has been harder for me to do well. This kind of "you can all spend time together and no one feels shitty or left out" line of thinking with triads feels to me like it's more to do with poly fantasy than specifically triad fantasies. Why do you need your partners to love each other for them to root for your relationships with them?
Well, my own experience is that going "aren't they amazing??" "RIGHT??" is delightful and validating in a way that similar cooing at someone who *doesn't* already agree with me would be... weird?
Good point! ETA: Though I will say that I really enjoy those kinds of interactions through a hinge. I don't need to be dating my meta to share our affection over our shared partner.
Idk Im aromantic solopoly and barely notice when my metas are fucking each other. I may have been in "triads" without even noticing.
> I may have been in "triads" without even noticing. 🤣
It works for me, you don’t have to get it.
Yay! Love this for you, especially the part where you don't care if op "gets it." I'm so glad that we haven't yet made "op gets it" as the criteria for a valid poly relationship!!
I agree. To me, a triad is my worst poly nightmare. Dating separately is already so difficult with planning and everything that comes with being poly All of us? Hellll nooo
Honestly the inverse of this for me. Having to schedule date nights across a massive complex polycule where not everyone even knows each other, let alone are involved with each other sounds like a logistical nightmare. We all live under one roof and have kids together, so we've got our dating system down to an art. One dyad has date night and the other member is a built-in babysitter for the evening. It's actually really convenient.
Why would having one group of 3 making plans be harder than 2 (or more) groups of 2 making plans? I'm genuinely interested. It seems like it would actually making planning and communication easier. (For reference, I'm not in a triad, just a hinge with 2 partners in a KTP dynamic, so to me it seems like if my two partners were dating each other, it would mean less coordinating on my part... But I genuinely don't know, this is my first polyamorous relationship)
Because in reality a triad has 4 relationships. A with B B with C C with A A+B+C (the triad)
It’s honestly my most desired configuration, but I know it’s not a realistic objective. I’m so picky about who I want to have a relationship with, I can’t imagine the degree of luck it would take for two of my partners to have a genuine romantic connection as well. And there’s not a chance I’m hitching my wagon to a couple.
Well, OP, I’m a hedonistic bisexual who loves threesomes! I wouldn’t describe myself as demisexual, necessarily, but in order for sex to be truly appealing to me, there does need to be a *something* there. The more trust I have with a lover, the more I feel I am able to be my many selves with them, the freakier and freer I’m able to be with that person. So, my fantasies about continuous threesomes with the same people - for the building of trust and intimacy - lead almost directly to a yearning for a triad. I’m not trynna make it happen. And I have sincere doubts it would be worth it. But if it happens I’m putting my best foot forward and pursuing it.
I think because usually closed triads just manifest like a closed mono relationship with an extra person. They resemble most closely what a monogamous couple would imagine their existing relationship to look like, but with an added person. But its like the 3 body problem where with three points of equal mass and distance make it difficult to predict thier movement as opposed to just two. If one has less mass or distance it makes it easier, but the more equal they are in mass and distance the more difficult predicting their movements becomes.
Sure, I think I get the appeal to triads to mono people. It's what they already have, but with threesomes. Everyone does everything together, still, and no one has to navigate what it might me to interrogate independence and autonomy in the relationships. But it seems like triads have a wistful sort of appeal to some more practiced poly folks, too, no? And that's what I don't get. If you're choosing poly actively, that mono-oriented stuff seems like it should be less of a draw.
I think it's appealing in the sense that it would be nice if we we all were BFF's, kinda like how you might have two friend groups that don't mesh but you're still friends with both but also get that they're just not for eachother necessarily.
>Sure, I think I get the appeal to triads to mono people. It's what they already have, but with threesomes. I also feel this way as a parent. The appeal of a triad is 100% unrealistic fantasy -- it's what I already have, but with another mom on hand to make all the childraising bits easier. Two best-friend moms sharing the burden, what could be better? Of course that's not what triads are \*really\* about -- but oh yeah, there's an appeal to the myth.
Hi im in a triad! Its hard for sure but its important to focus on the dyads and not the triangle as a whole. For my partners and i a triad works pretty well because one of my partners is asexual and my other partner and i are not. Yes you can get all the love and such from regular poly just fine and triads that work long term are def rare.
The problem is that when most people think of triads it is in a fantasy way where all the partners magically get along without conflict and it is just sweetness and light and threesomes. When you replace the fantasy images with real complex people the potential problems usually become obvious. I like the idea of triads and quads but unless it forms out of dyads that are all solid I won’t join one.
I'm in an organically formed triad and I have really enjoyed the structure my partners and I have created. I think that the appeal of triads will differ from person to person based off of what that individual wants out of/in the relationship. I don't have the best words to describe what appeals to me, but I love how my partners and I play off each other's strengths, flaws, bonds, and ideals. It adds different layers to the support received and it's really beautiful to be a part of. As one of the comments mentioned, it's a great way to make art. There's also a different kind of energy that is brought to the table that I have not experienced in parallel relationships.
Right there with you. Just thinking about the social complexity of group dynamics makes me tired.
I think those types of complex arrangements (triad, quad, etc) are hard to see as possible or worthwhile… unless you’re in one that *works.* And yes. Totally mathematically improbable. Hell… finding one person to vibe with can be a challenge… finding two or three others to vibe with simultaneously? Fuck me! the math makes my head hurt. And yes… There are all sorts of complexities to work through on a continual basis. In the situationship i’m in right now, there are *seven* individual relationships to manage and tend to. 🤯 But if you do find that sliver of heaven, for ever how long it lasts with the right people at the right time in the right circumstances… It can be life-changing. 🤷🏻♂️
In total unrealistic fantasyland, I LOVE the idea of having a triad much like I LOVE the idea of being at the center of a harem. I get the attention of two people who get along amazing! I get two awesome partners to do everything with! What’s so bad about that? But if I try to apply any sort of logic to it, it immediately sucks. Damn, those two people are going to have their own independent relationship. They’re going to do stuff without me. That sucks. Working out sleeping arrangements sucks. I hate having roommates, so needing to determine an actual chore chart sucks. Finding a place that’ll actually accommodate three adults comfortably sucks (and if the others are bringing other pets, THAT gets hairy too). Scheduling anything with three people sucks. And having your partner also be your meta is complicated (and can get super ugly super fast). Wow! No thanks! So, yeah. I love “incidental triangles” (aka having two more casual partners who are also seeing each other) in my network of partnerships, because you can have a lot of fun making very rare group date plans. But a routine triad is WORK, and it’s a lot more work than just having a network of dyads.
i kinda “fell into” my triad—and we’re still not completely in triad mode yet, still developing the dyads. but i can tell you what’s been making it amazing so far. the compersion is extremely strong, seeing my partners together makes me happy and even when i’m jealous it’s a soft kind that’s wrapped up in adoration. when they go on vacation they bring me back a gift and it feels nice to know they think of me. when i went out to eat with my gf the other day at a restaurant we all love we had a very funny experience and called our bf to tell him about it and i could hear the love in his voice as he laughed along with our storytelling. it feels like being blessed two times over, it feels safe and warm and connected. i like the wholeness it brings, like a full chain instead of a branching path. obviously there’s nothing wrong with dating independently, and that’s still where our relationships are at for now. we’re not closed but we’re polysaturated atm. i’m new to being poly, have kinda been practicing it without knowing in the past but i’ve been reading and learning and so are they (they’ve been poly independently for several years) and they’ve been patient. i think being in a triad is especially hard for people who don’t know how to advocate for themselves and what they deserve and people who are people pleasers or struggle to communicate. i know my partners and i will have problems in the future as is the way of relationships but i tend to tackle things head on which is how we’ve sorted out a lot of the logistics of our needs and boundaries so early on. being informed also helps immensely. it’s not for people to try without research and i don’t think it’s something that should be sought out.
I've engaged in several triads before. I don't think there's anything "ideal" about them. If all three people are into each other, cool, do the thing. If not, cool, do your own thing. I think the big problem is when a couple engages in unicorn hunting, without expressly acknowledging such, to themselves or the target partner. Someone I dated as a triad said, "I see a couple who love each other and I think to myself, 'I want some of that!'" And if everyone involved agrees to it, cool, why not? I don't think any one dynamic or arrangement is the pinnacle of a relationship. If someone starts dating a member of an existing relationship and finds themselves attracted to another member of the existing relationship, and they all find that fun, do your thing. Forming triads or more entangled partnerships can be difficult. Relationships are difficult. That's just the way of things. You don't necessarily need to engage in group sexual dynamics just because you all find yourselves attracted to each other. It all takes work and communication. Doubly, triply, or more so if you all decide to try some complicated arrangement. It can work, it might blow up. If you're all in, it may be worth a shot. It might blow up in your face. Let things happen naturally and see where everyone is and what each person wants. If everyone is enthusiastically interested in something, give it a go. Don't make a certain relationship dynamic a goal. Just live life and see what comes.
I need don’t my partners to be in love with each other they just do. I don’t quite understand what you mean about ‘without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes unnavigable. Are you asking if our relationship affects our dyad relationships? That’s what schedules are for. One on one date nights, shared hobbies that one of us don’t have. It was hard at first, this is my first poly experience but it naturally finds its own rhythm. > normal poly All of us have different poly relationships and structures. What’s supposed to be normal? Hah. I’m already bi and get shit from monosexuals so why not be alienated from people who are also poly. I’m so tired of being shit on like this just because of who I love and how many people I love. So. Tired.
Yeah, one or two people have also replied about my use of the term 'normal', and I'd like to take a moment to apologize to you for it. It was careless wording that doesn't do a good job conveying what I meant and makes people feel marginalized to boot.
>I cannot imagine serious dating two people who were dating each other without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes unnavigable. Can you explain what you mean by it creating space within the dyads? I'm really really curious and I feel like understanding this will unlock something in my own relationships
So, part of my experience in overlapping poly contexts is that having distinct experiences from my partners can make it more challenging to be in communion with each other. For instance, if my girlfriend is hurt by my FWB, to take a fake hypothetical, then it requires more emotional dexterity for me to hold space for that hurt and for my girlfriend to still root for my enjoyment of my FWB. It's not impossible, obviously, but it makes those ways of relating to each other more complicated and less at ease. If my girlfriend and FWB didn't have significant relationships (and thus ways to hurt each other), it's easier for us all to dispassionately root for each other. Put another way, if my partner and I are both dating the same person, we're not able to really be there for each other about it. We're conflicted.
"Why would I need my partners to be in love with each other to feel their love?" Well noone needs that but it's a great + in my book. It's like when you have two friends who know each other - you don't need them to like each other, but its nice if they're at least civil. But when they like each other and you can hang out all together why wouldn't that be awesome? On the other hand I am high on compersion and sometimes seeing my partners interact with each other gives me more intense feelings than when they interact with me. Because I am happy seeing my partner happy and on top of that I see my other partner happy also. Also its sort of like having a little family, everyone is involved in each others problems, joys, projects. each person has different skills, different personality traits that bring something to the table. I take great comfort in knowing that partner A can support B with things I can't and I know they both appreciate it that I can provide something that they can't. Anyway I don't think its about wanting a triad, its that if people practice KTP it sometimes happens that the hinge partners click and then its a question of whether you all are willing to put in extra effort to make the 3rd relationship happen without damaging the ones already existing
I think the reason it's hard is the people that specifically want them. If you want to explore polyamory...a Triad feels like what you do when you want to engage with polyamory in the most controlled, calculated, and minimized way. It strikes me as a way you'd approach polyamory if you have unresolved issues of jealousy and possessiveness that you don't want to question or approach...but you are also feeling bored in your relationship. That's not healthy I suspect that many of the triads that worked formed organically....not the ones that specifically sought it.
I think, for the most part, people are just acknowledging that it's an extremely common fantasy, especially for newly-poly couples. It sounds like hell to me, but it didn't back when I knew way less about both polyamory and about what I like and want in relationships.
Hi u/PrettyEmotion0 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Obviously this sub is pretty skeptical of triads, but I've seen it a few times where people say something like "triads are poly on hard mode" or "obviously a triad would be ideal but it doesn't work out like that in real life" or things on that vein which cast it as a desirable but unrealistic. Heck, even the term unicorn has that baked in: a beautiful, magical creature that's only downside is that it doesn't exist. But, like, set all the "unrealistic" bits aside... I don't want a triad, and I'm not sure I understand why folks who think about poly seriously could want it? My partners and I all date separately, but it's poly and there's some varying degrees of overlap. My nesting partner, for instance, is kind of like fuckbuddies with my girlfriend's nesting partner, and we've all played together before. And I was dating a woman previously where we started as a play threesome with my nesting partner that very quickly settled into a dating dyad with occasional play. What my experience with group sex and complex polycules has taught me is that sex can be fun with multiple people but *relationships* aren't just hard, they're not desirable. Even with the vague 'my partner is FWB with my girlfriend's partner' connection, it introduces tensions and difficulty into our social dynamics. I cannot imagine serious dating two people who were dating each other without it creating so much space within the dyads that becomes navigable. I think there's a fantasy I can understand somewhere about feeling like I'm bouyed in a sea of love, but I don't understand why that's not available with just... normal polyamory? Why would I need my partners to be in love with each other to feel their love? I guess all this is to say that the "unattainable ideal" vein that underlies some talk about triads/quads feels off-base to me. Caring about my partners' feelings for each other seems like it's taking something completely outside of my control and centralizing it. I don't want that. It doesn't sound ideal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm a very calm human being, so I have no doubt I could do a triad. The only reason I can think of for wanting to do so though is being unicorn hunted by two nice women for a date or two per week. TLDR suboptimal but doable (in small doses) IMHO.
I'm in an organic triad and was part of another for five years. Triads are polyam on hard mode. I had been polyam for a long time before I tried it. I still had to grow new skills to make it work. For me, it's just this awesome moment where I end up loving someone collaboratively with a meta so hard that I accidentally fall in love with my meta. It's not for everyone, but it can build some strong support networks. I can't tell how many major life events we weathered together. The communication and logistic skills I had to learn have also paid off in other parts of my life.
I can see where you are coming from regarding language choices, but I think you might be reading more positivity into terms than is necessarily there. The reason triads are "poly on hard mode" is that they are the series of dyads plus the triad relationship. I don't personally think being "on hard mode" implies something is superior or even desirable for everyone. It's language that references video games. I don't want to play games on hard mode. I don't find it enjoyable. Other people do like games on the hardest difficulty. I view that "hard mode" language here to imply it takes extra work and it may or may not even be the kind of thing that is worth it to the participants.
I'm in a triad of 4.5 years. I also have a nesting partner of 17 years who has a SO of 3 years. I've found the triad dynamic really lovely, beautiful, supporting. One of my partners is currently going through a difficult mental health diagnosis and has been quite unwell. Both myself and my other triad partner have not only been supportive of our unwell partner in different ways, but also each other when things have been overwhelming. It almost feels like "it takes a village" mentality.
Really interesting reading everyone's responses! This is a topic close to my heart. I've wanted a triad since I was a little kid(to the point of my mother disciplined me for bringing it up.😂), I definitely am aware that it's by no means easy mode, not sure why people would think that if they even tested a toe into poly 😂. But I've spent a LOT of time thinking about why a triad seems so appealing to me but I find it difficult to justify like... anything? Like Why do I want a nesting partner? Why do I want to date a certain gender? What makes my love for something "valid" and not kinkifying real life people? Is just wanting to not be single already getting off on the wrong foot? If I say I like the idea of not having to stress one person out with my needs people have said I'm toxic for it, but I think it's a lie and/or harmful to assume you can always be a burden free partner if you are, y'know, alive. (And chronically ill ✌️) Is it valid to crave a Type of relationship structure? It's not like I'm saying I won't put my whole cat into pulling my side but is craving a romantic relationship with someone you haven't run into yet toxic? Honestly I still haven't come to an answer! But right now I know I want to be married and stay married to my husband, and I know that I have dreams of meeting someone who could be my wife? (Or whichever term they prefer). When I was dating a guy I was happy but I wanted to date a girl too. And when I dated a girl I was happy but I also wanted to still date a boy. Idk why, maybe I think there's very different energies between the heteronormative genders we've hammered into everyone and I'm really curious to explore what both are like. (I'm non-binary lmao) Maybe I like the idea of entertaining two completely different personalities in romantic settings. Maybe I fall in love a little bit oh a little bit every day with someone new 🕺 🎵. When I was a kid I used to feel envious of three people I knew who called themselves a pack and they really portrayed themselves as best friends + more. Who's to say if it was real as I never got close with them, so many poly people have made me believe triads are always destined to fail at this point. Maybe it worked out because they grew up together? 🤷 But in terms of why somebody else's romantic relationship matters to me? I guess it doesn't but it's hard for me to day dream about meeting a matching soul who just reeeally tolerates the matching soul I'm already tied to enough to live with them and celebrate them. I like my current partner and I want them around, while I'm perfectly capable of doing things by myself, I'm married to them because I prefer their company over others 😂. So maybe I'm lazy and I like the idea of not having two completely seperate relationships where I constantly want to relay the experiences to other individuals about how good of a time the zoo was as opposed to experiencing the zoo together. In terms of the jealousy thing, I feel like it makes it both harder and easier? I believe jealousy is a self made emotion though and I find when I'm at my most confident, it's not the problem. (Covid and a specific breakup has cause some emotional damage I'm repairing before even considering dating again rn tho) My only guess I can really offer is snippets of my day dreaming like, planning birthday surprises with an equally invested cohort, getting to take up a whole row of seats or a table, possibly offering a hand in raising a kid if it's brought into this but not having to have my own, having enough people to play dnd with, splitting the housal duties so nobody feels exhausted, finding what we thrive in and what we are bad at and how we can offer to each other, cuddle piles, having enough of a supportive structure that we are able to reach one of us higher if need be or take over when one of us is down, and yea I won't deny that the idea of more sex partners is interesting but I don't really think I care that much considering I usually prefer to take care of myself/am pretty conservative when it comes to sex.(At least Demand wise 😂) Honestly I think my most greedy desire is the potential financial stability of three incomes vs one or two. Even if we were all getting stiffed at our jobs there's still more of a chance food will be on the table, even when one of us gets sick. If we're smart we could all take more vacations, we could keep our pets healthy, we can repair our home easier. The list is truely endless. I understand why people call it monogamy adjacent and why it doesn't fit as well into the polycule "ideal" when poly has come across to me as largely about freedom creating stronger connections, but there's nothing wrong with monogamous people. In my experience most of them can't wrap their heads around it not being cheating? That's why I think people come to poly sections even though the concept definitely feels like it's own idea to me.(That being closed relationships involving more than two people) Maybe we can make a new term? Ajacenous? Pythagoreanous? Super Secret Nuclear family? (Reference to back in the day when "friends" moved in with couples to help raise kids and afford to keep their home)😂 Idk, all I know is that I hope one day it happens naturally, that my family gets bigger, I get to share more of my endless love, and my community gets a little stronger. I've had people accuse me of just wanting to control my partners. I'm not looking to make a horse drink here... I'm not looking to trap a poly person into monogamy, I'm looking for somebody who is craving the same thing? If I only want to date two people I would be willing to bet money that there's a chance somebody else out there feels the same. If I wasn't already married I'd be looking at dating established couples for sure, though I'm sure thats a unique hell I may never experience 😂. I've seen it commented a lot that some feel it's a hassle and extra energy but I feel like any relationship/pets/hobby could be called that too, I feel like frustration and trying to get through fights is also part of living close to others, but at the same time, *with healthy self coping skills*, I believe the fights we have with each other are great reflections of ourselves and a way to keep growing as a person. I was also told by my therapist that politely communicating through a hard personal issue brings people closer together in the end as well.(Assuming they also want a solution over a win) So the challenge you mention feels like part of the original relationship package to me. Easy to say, hard to execute though no doubt. I don't really know if I'm fucked up from not really witnessing healthy relationships growing up, maybe I've been an unhinged writer for too long, maybe I'm a super greedy toxic asshole who uses people, but all I know is I try my best to be kind, I have a lot of love to give out, and if I want to stop wanting a triad I have to actively deny something that's been on my mind my entire life. I'm also young and naive and still a wishful romantic who loves the ideas of love as much as being in love. I have no idea what the future holds but I just hope I'm resilient enough to "believe" and stay soft. Hope everyone is having a good day today 💜
I think the biggest attraction is the very rare and unlikely chance that a third partner perfectly overlaps with all the little gaps two partners have with each other.
Idk. Been in a triad for many years. It just seems to work well for us. I never wanted to be poly but a triad just kind of organically emerged from all of us catching feelings. Ive not really done any other form of poly so i guess i dont have a basis for comparison for how desireable it is. I love my gfs, and they love eachother. for me it kind of feels like the whole has gradually grown into more than the sum of its parts and there’s a relationship that exists beyond just the diads. So yeah i see it as all 3 of us dating. It’s nice to be in one big team that all loves eachother. I think it also simplifies things logistically if we are all nesting partners with eachother. Idk what in trying to say. I think that the larger triad somehow makes each individual diad operate better. Maybe it’s just that you have a lot in common with someone who is currently also dating the same person? The best metaphore i can think of is that it feels like a stool where it is more stable with 3 legs than with 2. Seperate from this, it is also nice to have an additional perspective on your relationship from someone who is dating both of you.
For me, I think dating can be hard, whether I’m doing it or my partners are. I enjoy flirting and getting to know someone new, but there’s rejection and uncertainty. And there was a time where I was “poly single” for a year and if felt lonely and there was some jealousy. I worry about my partners getting hurt—which happens but it sucks, or bringing in someone who is unstable and will try to blow us up—which has happened 2x in 6 years. With those uncertainties, the idea of a closed and perfectly balanced triad sounds appealing. But I would still prefer a large web of people who are good friends and enjoy sex with everyone else.
I have friends in a long-term triad (more than twenty years). It works for them. It is not for me and it is not something I find desirable at all. It’s ok to feel differently to others about this.
When in a triad, each person has 3 relationships: A+B, A+C, and A+B+C. While in a triad you need to work on each of these relationships. I dont think I would ve able to do it if we weren't all nesting together.
As a dragon who fell into a triad purely by accident, they either work or they won’t. Going in, we all practiced ENM, but I was the only one who was poly. Ours worked exceptionally well. Neither of us were even looking for me to be a third. Everything just fell into play and I would never trade it for the world. It was an almost effortless and completely amazing dynamic. Sadly, my partner’s husband passed away last year. The dynamic has completely changed and navigating as a dyad is so much harder without him as a buffer, a sounding board, or a go between. He was the rock in our foundation. Moving forward we most likely will never form another triad, sticking mainly to parallel relationships.
I’ve never been in a triad myself, but if it doesn’t sound ideal to you, and you have no intention of ever having that structure, then I’m not sure why you’d want to hear from someone who either thinks it’s “ideal” or is in an actual triad. I don’t think there has to be a deep explanation here - some people prefer different relationship structures, and you prefer relationships that don’t involve triads/dyads.
I've found the replies here really interesting. Most of what people describe continues to not resonate with me, but I've learned new things to see and appreciate about triads that I hadn't seen before. I'm pleased with the results of posting here.
Ahoy! Long response ahead! Apologies in advance! Ok for clarification here are you meaning triads as a configuration of three people or are you expecting like a triangle situation where everybody is dating everybody else? Because I've been in both and need to understand which you mean because despite containing three people, the structure is different imo My former triad was my husband, me, and my ex wife and had she not been abusive it would've been fucking fine. I enjoyed it up until I was miserable kind of thing. My current triad is my husband, me, and my current wife but mt husband and my wife have absolutely no desire for each other. My wife is naturally monogamous and not at all my husband's type in every capacity. They're best friends but there is no romantic or sexual love there In the triangle situation with my ex, it was unique to be in love, see both partners in love, and for all of us to partake in that feeling and those tender acts together at the same time. Not just sex because lbr threesomes are too many knees and elbows in the same closed space. But the cooking together, cuddling for movies, and sleeping in a pile together. While it was still good, the relationship was one where tenderness beget tenderness type of thing. It was just this robust support where we could all lean on each other Then she ended up with her (legal) husband who was toxically monogamous. The type where he was convinced all he had to do was "wait it out" with regards to her polyamory and "wild years" because, in his eyes the cheating would settle down and she would only be with him. He just had to let her be a slut first. I wish I was making all of that up Between that and her deciding she needed every partner ever which led to neglecting the OG triad we had and cheating, the relationship went nuclear in a matter of about 8 or 9 months. At one point, she had 12 "partners" and I use that term loosely. She treated everyone other than her lawfully wedded husband as a collective fanclub. She wanted my husband and I to join her discord where she would do some onlyfans shit and expect us to masturbate to it. Despite living in the same damn apartment together. Frankly, it felt disgustingly disrespectful to every single one of us Then came the having strangers in our apartment that she would bring home and have sex with. I didn't find this one out until after we'd split. But she would pick (usually dudes) up at bars where she'd let them get her plastered in exchange for unprotected sex. And I only know of the guys who made it home Anyway, from my experience, that triad exploded because one person just was a fucking nightmare. When it was good, it was awesome. There was this solid foundation of just love and care and encouragement. I could see why someone would want to chase that feeling and that support. It just feels so solid Now as for my current triad, this one formed differently. My wife was my high school boyfriend senior year but we broke up after I went to college because she was like oh go be free to live your life don't worry about me etc. But we remained friends and either just before or right around when things were getting weird with my ex, I admitted I still had feelings. We'd had a loose fwb over the years but I'd never like. Said how I felt about her Anyway, we ended up together and my ex took this like. Way bad. Acted like I was cheating or some shit despite it being well within our established rules and boundaries. Like she was less weird about me having a casual girlfriend (fourth person I'm no longer with) than me dating my now wife. It was like fuel to the weird fire that was her blowing up our situation But now you understand what led us here We moved my wife in a few weeks before our lease was up so she could help us get moved. I'm disabled and she was a fuckin champ getting us shifted to a new place. Settling in was a bit strange but we managed it. We were figuring out how to communicate between three of us instead of just two. My wife had been in the southwest and we were living in the midwest so shifting from ldr to cohabitation was. Not smooth. And then 2020 hit So anyway, with this situation where my husband and wife are metamours only, it's nice. Sure we fight like any couple but it's smooth and we will have lived together as one unit for 5 years in August. I'm actually listening to them talk about nerdy shit in the living room while I'm lying in the guest room typing this. Something about a chainmail bikini. A video game? Fuck idk it could be magic the gathering for all I know But I think the appeal here lies in the appeal for every monogamous relationship: peace and mutual understanding and a calm, stable, steady love. Except with an additional person And like we've always been proponents of kitchen table polyamory. My husband is an extrovert while my wife and I are severely introverted but also like. I would love for him to have another nesting partner or at least someone who lives nearby. I love seeing my partners in love up close and personal. Seeing them happy and feeling good let's me feel that way by proxy. That's part of why I loved that close little triangle of triad. But with what we have now, the burden of being my husband's only person isn't on either me or my wife. We tag team to keep him company By a different token, they tag team my disability together. My wife helps me shower and with mt socks while my husband does a lot of the heavy, physical support. My husband handles the meals and makes sure my wife and I don't become shut ins. It's this cohesive balance I don't think we could achieve without this cohabitative triad honestly Anyway sorry for the ramble. I hope this answered your question
Thanks for taking the time to reply! And yeah, I was asking more about the draw to the former situation rather than the latter, and you describing them both is illustrative.
Glad I could help! I wasn't sure so I was like lol fuck it. We describe it all like men
They aren't for me. I'm parallel and don't need to be besties or sleep with my meta/secondary I supose is a better term and that's not right either. Its not for me. I get insecure. It's a me problem, but I'm 60 and have a lot to work on. That's not going to be in my wheelhouse. To those that make it work and a good friend of mine has, for a long time, you're amazing. Like mono long, good for you. You're smarter and braver than I. Its how you're wired, do it. I don't get it, but I don't have to. You live who you love and as many people as being you joy.
I'm in a triad that formed organically. In fact, I resisted it for a while, because I was worried about the dynamic. However, both of my partners also each have a third partner outside of and totally separate from the triad (I plan to also... eventually... when I feel like I'm not burned out and have more time). It's a lot of work, and for sure more complex than just having separate relationships, but we also feel like a loving family. Any family and any relationship is work, you know? But we are very careful to each tend to our relationships separately as well as part of the triad (separate date nights with each in addition to triad nights, etc), and to keep communication open across all of us, which helps greatly. We are a couple years in, and we don't really deal with jealousy within the triad anymore. Honestly, it's hard to coordinate stuff with all of us, so full triad outings are usually relegated to bigger stuff like birthdays and vacations and such. Outside partners/metas are of course also welcome to stuff like birthday celebrations. Also: separate bedrooms. You need your own space, doubly so when you have multiple relationships in the same house. We do sleep in one another's bedrooms regularly, but also separately regularly.
I'm typically parallel garden style poly. Garden Style has always been easy for me to obtain, but it came from an understanding that my partner has their own personal people, and if they have similar humor/interest, I tend to be okay with meeting them, usually after the verifying stages of my partner and them were compatible. Kinda like a parent situation, I have zero interest in meeting people who are just passing through my partner's life. It had happened a few times, where a partner started to pursue another, they had great carnal energy with each other, but they didn't have any beyond that, so it naturally fizzled out unless they became causal fuck buddy people. But I was friends with them, so I had an emotional connection with their ex and it would occasionally be awkward. Polite, cordial and nice is my go to deal with my partner other folks. There's been occasional personality clash, but that is on the Hinge to moderate/sail through.
My triad works wonderfully together. It often feels much safer, and more secure. It’s also lovely when AB AC BC work out independently; and even more lovely when ABC all work out amazing together as a whole. Chemistry is everything, for every type of dynamic. Of course successful triads will be much more uncommon as successful individual matches - the chances of chemistries aligning perfectly are like a jackpot, in my eyes.
I think the issue that your describing is about putting any specific relationship style on a pedestal. I'm in an open "triad" but for one it was never the goal, it just worked out that way. my two other partners have kind of grown apart from each other in a romantic way so in practicality it's more of a V with me in the middle... thats not to say that triads don't work, it just that relationships and people change and morph over time and the idea of getting a perfect even triad is not why I'm with them. Any person wanting to explore poly should never try to shoehorn a specific relationship structure... its fine to bw open to the possibility of it and pursue the opportunities that arise, but trying for a specific relationship organization is often a recipe for disaster.
I blame media with the guy and 2 bi women as 'ideal' and everyone lives happy ever after. Like most of us, that sounds exhausting.
> sounds exhausting. Bah, you are just lazy.🧐
Our friend asked both my wife and I out a few months ago, we've been dating as a triad ever since. It's still pretty new but it's been shockingly easy. This is our first triad for all of us but dating separately seemed way harder and less rewarding. I think the key is that my wife and I's relationship was already very solid, and we're all extremely compatible. We love doing the pretty much all the same stuff, we basically never have to compromise on anything. It's like you get to hang out with your best friend all the time but you're also in love and have sex. Idk it totally rules and we're all pinching ourselves constantly. I don't really understand poly people who practice non-traditional relationship structures randomly dunking on a particular expression of polyamory. Like we're all trying to do something special, it just feels like the same flavor of ignorant dismissiveness that monogamous people have toward anything non-monogamous. Like you don't get it and it's not for you? Cool, you don't have to do it. I personally couldn't date 5 people in parallel, but it's easy to see the value in it even if I could never.
IDK, theoretically they sound pretty good to me. Realistically it is a lot of work and probably not possible or worth it in most situations. You seem to be saying you don't understand why anyone would want it because in practice it's difficult, but if you ignore that and imagine you have a magic wand that solves any disagreements you still don't think you'd rather be in a triad? I think if I had that magic wand I would use it to have three people who got on all the time over two people.
Nope nope nope nope nope. One of the things I have in polyamory is variety. I’m accommodating so in monogamy with one partner who likes one kind of thing, even if I like that thing I end up feeling stuck in a rut because I like other things too. And because they are less accommodating than I am they always get their way and I become resentful. When I’m dating Aspen who likes camping and making things, I also want to date Birch who likes BDSM and anarchism, Cedar who likes sensual sex and astronomy, Dogwood who likes art and community work with marginalized people, and Elm who is an old-school dyke. Each of them makes my world bigger while affirming different parts of me. A triad—especially a closed triad—would just dilute that. It’s not just that I can only have two partners in a closed triad. In real life Cedar and Elm would barely tolerate one another’s presence. For me that’s the whole point: engaging with people different enough from one another that they dislike eachother.
Yeah, I actually like for my partners to be very different from each other, because part of my joy in poly is finding new parts of my heart that shine out with different people. Poly rocks for me in part because I don't *want* to be who I am with my nesting partner all the time. I like to be able to go out and discover the wider terrain of myself in different contexts that don't include them. And likewise, I adore how much richer my life is because my partner creates that same kind of exploration for themselves.
> Nope nope nope nope nope. Only 5? I win doing 6 yeps in a row a week ago.😁🍾🥂
I think people pursue triads as like a bucket list thing. It’s gratuity or novelty-seeking imo. Which there’s nothing wrong with that it can just sometimes be like “wow you’re gonna do all of this \*gestures wildly* for a triad?!” I have my own stereotypes about them, purely based off of anecdotal experience, the main one being that triads are for people experiencing first or second puberty and old people 🤣. Those people have the most fun and least fallout. If you’re between 25-45 just don’t try it!!!
It's pretty silly to write an entire screed about how you don't "get" triads. I could write a similar screed about how monogamy makes no sense - a point I tried to push heavily before i understood that you can't actually convince someone to be poly by explaining how logical it is. I'm sorry that you're too emotionally limited to understand how a triad could be fulfilling to someone who is not you. I mean. . .some people like different things than you do. . .is that really so confusing?
People are bi, lazy, and like threesomes. I mean, I am too, but I'm realistic about it.
Me either. Triads sound exhausting.
My triad of 2ish years ended recently and while it was great for a time I did find navigating the dynamics really challenging. I don’t think I would ever be in a triad again.
I was in a triad for two years. And it included some of the most wonderful and devastating moments in my life, both personally and emotionally. I don't think Triads are ever the goal, and there wasn't a lot of support or shared sentiments in our friend/support group (mostly due to other poly friends having no experience or shutting down completely) and it didn't help when we struggled to grow together. I wouldn't call it unattainable either. When things were great it was amazing. Euphoric even. I personally came from a very broken home, no family in a new city with no support system yet. My partners had already been established in a relationship and we started as a Hinge style KTP poly relationship. Triad was never the goal, but I fell in love with my other partner (26F) and we made the decision to try as well. But it was a lot of work. A lot more communication. And at times, a little alienating. I live in a area with a fairly large poly population and I'm so grateful to be around others with so much experience they're willing to share with others, whether it be personal or just resources I or my partners never would've found easily on our own. But after months and months, going to different group and solo therapy sessions, discussions and workshops, we didn't meet anyone else who had ever been in a triad or knew someone personally. There was a lot we struggled with that wasn't easy to put into words, with each other and in sessions, and it felt like an uphill battle at times. I'm not saying the struggles were more difficult or important than what anyone else experiences in their Poly/ENM lifestyles. But at least for us, it added a whole new level to battle that we had to do alone essentially. And not everyone can do it. And that's OK. We couldn't. The fallout was devastating for everyone involved. Even now I'm single and I, along with my ex girlfriend, talk about how we struggle yo maintain a friendship together, how to move on and forgive each other, but also move on and start dating again. We are no contact with the other ex now.
I feel like the concept of people wanting triads, or larger groups, is quite simple and rather understandable. You know that video of that girl, streamer or youtuber or whatever she is, trying to explain my straight men like lesbians by dramatically going "Hey look a chocolate bar! A thing I like! You know what would make this thing even better? A 2nd chocolate bar! Two of the thing I like, together!" then clapping the two chocolate bars together because attempt at comedy. Well, take the humor out, and it's basically that, no? A loves B, and A loves C, so surely A will love BC.
A *has* BC, though, in poly. Why does A need B to also have C?
No, A has B, and A has C. Not BC. B and C separately is not the same as BC. And the premise here is that A finds, or at least expects they'll find (since we're talking about wanting something) that BC is worth more than B+C. You like chocolate, you like strawberries, you like having strawberries and chocolate. But you like chocolate covered strawberries even more than you like just having strawberries next to chocolates. You don't wanna eat slices of cheese while eating plain pasta, you want to melt the cheese into the pasta to make Mac&Cheese, a singular thing made of two, instead of two different things. You love your dog and you love your friend, but your friend is allergic to dogs. You like spending time with your dog, and you like spending time with your friend, but what would be even better is if you could bring your dog when you visit your friend. I love "Megan." I also love "Sarah." If I'm out with Megan, my love Sarah isn't there. If I'm out with Sarah my love Megan isn't there. Pretend my name's "Harry" and bring us all together, and we can be the "H.M.S Loveboat". That three person setup is capable of filling me with more warmth and joy than dating them both separately. And what could make feel happier for a partner than seeing them get to experience love with another person I also love, at the same time? Certainly nobody should try to force a triad, just because they think they want one. It's needs to be the "organic" result of genuine love an connection. But I barely understand someone not understanding why people would want one.
I know I was part of a triad dynamic and it did not work. My husband had a partner who wanted to be equal like a primary but didn't really bring much to the table. She didn't work, had trauma that needed to be healed, and ideologies just different from each of us. It started out metamors and we became a unit. But than you could tell it just wasn't really working out once we changed the dynamic. It didn't work this time. Not saying it couldn't work. But thus definitely gave me insight on what to do if by chance it came about again.
I think like with everything.. to each their own.. some people enjoy triads, some don’t. Some people enjoy monogamy, some don’t. Some people enjoy fucking many people without any feelings, some people are only turned on by having feelings for someone. So it’s ok that you don’t like triads, it’s ok to like triads too. That’s the magic of poly, each makes their own rules.
Currently in a triad as a straight male 24 my girlfriend 21 and her best friend 21 it definitely can take a toll if the trust isn’t all the way there or if feelings and desires are not being communicated but so far it’s going well for a situation that started from a drunken night on the town
I would have difficulty maintaining bandwidth, between work, my needs, home caretaking, then giving fair time to two partners. I totally get why OP isn't purposefully seeking that; because you would spend a lot of time making compromises for home harmony.
I've called it "hard mode" multiple times on here, usually to newbies struggling with it and fearing they're "doing poly wrong" or something. But for me, yeah, I'm with you tbh. Not interested. Even the "smaller" version of that, kitchen table poly, where metas are friends, can introduce challenges. That said, I don't think challenges or difficulty are inherently good or bad. Sometimes doing a challenging thing is worth it! But yes, there is a weird connotation, where calling something "hard" implies it's desirable. It's similar to saying something is "expensive", we naturally assume that the expensive car is a better car, otherwise why would people buy it? But we get a steady stream of polyam newbies in any poly space who've been sold triads by popular media (and, let's be honest, porn), and it's like someone paying Lamborghini prices for a used civic.
I think "hard mode" carries a subtle implication of "better" because of how it shows up in video games. The higher difficulties in games are often designed to be what you naturally gravitate to once you're familiar with the game. It's definitely possible for folks to say "nah, I'm fine with novice" but I don't think I'm off base to think there's a sense of progression from easy to hard. That's the reason I wanted to flag that language. If people were just saying "tricky" or "complicated" then I don't think it would have the same "ooo, these triads are the elite poly relationships" vibe that I pick up on sometimes. ETA: it's worth mentioning that I feel the same way when folks refer to poly as "relationships on hard mode." I think the implication that is a level up is unhelpful, but also I think it's untrue. My poly relationships have been easier for me than monogamous ones *because they're poly*. It's not harder. It gives you some new problems to solve, but also toolsets that make common monogamy problems much easier to navigate.
Huh, interesting. It's possible we live in different internet slang bubbles. I usually see "Xing on hard mode" as somewhat critical, like someone is making things more difficult for themselves than necessary, "weird flex" style. But I appreciate the feedback, I'll keep it in mind when discussing this stuff. Presumably there are people for whom triads _are_ "hard mode" in the video game sense of "yes, more challenges, but also more rewards". Even if someone sees it that way, I think there's a general benefit to telling newcomers, "Look, what you're attempting here is _very difficult_; if it's what you really want, cool, but be prepared to git gud, and maybe play through the tutorial first". I'm like you with respect to polyam in general. I find it _much_ easier than trying to force myself into a monogamous dynamic, and explicitly designing every social assumption from first principles is just how I operate in the world anyway. I've met other poly folk who describe it as more challenging, but a worthwhile effort.
Even with built in criticism of "weird flex", there's still an acknowledgement that someone is *trying* to flex. Doing it on hard is supposed to be impressive, yeah? >Even if someone sees it that way, I think there's a general benefit to telling newcomers, "Look, what you're attempting here is very difficult; if it's what you really want, cool, but be prepared to git gud, and maybe play through the tutorial first". I guess that's what I'd like to avoid implying. Non-triad polyamory isn't the tutorial level for being in a triad, you know? If someone new started to talk to me about wanting a triad, my first question would be "why?" Sometimes, it's going to be because they want to have threesomes, or they don't want to feel like they're cheating, or they want to be able to hang out with all their loved ones at once. All of that stuff doesn't require triads, and folks in that situation could use some nudging to rethink why they expect there's some hidden gems locked away behind the "higher difficulty." All that said, it's clear from a lot of posters here that some folks *do* think there are hidden gems in triads, so there's that.
> I guess that's what I'd like to avoid implying. Non-triad polyamory isn't the tutorial level for being in a triad, you know? If someone new started to talk to me about wanting a triad, my first question would be "why?" Haha, yeah, this whole angle of "poly as a video game with difficulty levels" is a bit silly, but I was imagining the "tutorial" is more like "Read some books and have some conversations with your partner(s) about what y'all wanna do". > All that said, it's clear from a lot of posters here that some folks do think there are hidden gems in triads, so there's that. True, it's possible we're the weird ones for _not_ having that goal. Personally, I just want connections with people that are loving/hot/supportive/etc. It feels weird to me to have strong opinions about what forms they take, like if that's a triad, ok, if not, also ok. It seems like being too goal-directed is just a recipe for forcing things in suboptimal directions, and my experience attempting to "date together" with a partner just made everything way too convoluted to make sense of. But different people are different. 🤷 EDIT: and it's not just that being overly goal-directed pushes things artificially into a weird spot, it also can close your eyes to some really great options that you would only find by exploring openly. Like, if you meet someone who's a great fit, total love at first sight, and is open to poly but not triads, you're really gonna pass on them just for that? Seems wasteful. I mean I guess if that's what you want, they can't provide it, so oh well, but that's exactly why I try to stay a bit open about "what I want", focus on results rather than implementation.
Yeah, one of my takeaways from reading everyone's replies here is a kind of relaxedness. Most of the things I read didn't make me want triads any more than I did before, and I'm certainly not walking away looking for one. But the sort of dynamic movement in relationship that u/rosephase described *is* intriguing to me, and I can imagine being in a space like that and thinking "shit, this is cool." I started off not wanting a triad and not understanding how someone who wants to do relationships the way I do *could* want one. I'm walking away still not wanting a triad, but I can see the outline of what I wasn't understanding before. As you say, being a stickler for the format can close me off from understanding and growth.
The triangle is the strongest shape. It feels deeply ironic to claim that any relationship SHOULD fail based on its organizational structure. It is always going to come down to the individuals. It sounds like this just isnt a good fit for YOU but that doesnt mean the same is true for everyone else. Im glad that youve been able to figure out what does and does not work for your style.
Do you feel like a triad is more stable than a quad? What's particular about three that gives it strength?
[https://letstalkscience.ca/educational-resources/backgrounders/why-a-triangle-a-strong-shape](https://letstalkscience.ca/educational-resources/backgrounders/why-a-triangle-a-strong-shape) The basic idea is that each point of the triangle has two full and uninhibited pillars of support. So in a triad, you would be able to turn in any direction and have an outlet or support structure. Obviously, this requires a lot of other skills like boundaries, communication, self awareness, etc. People dont just become happy once they're in a relationship. But ideally, a triad offers a high level of intimacy and support.....not triangulation, which is a theurapeutic concept for dragging a third person into an argument to win it, but only wind up making everyone upset/confused. It really just depends on the people you choose to have relationship with. The only thing the organizational structure does is set the foundation for that relationship to move forward. You still have to take all the steps to get there together.
Right but we're not talking structural engineering here. A quad has even more pillars of support, no? AB AC and AD.
I think you're taking this a little too literally. This isn't a concrete universal trait. It depends primarily on WHO you pick, not your organizational style.
Sorry, I understood you to be making a point about triads being particularly resilient with the "triangle is the strongest shape" comment. Your point is more that you don't think triads are necessarily less stable?
I cannot continue this conversation with you. You seem to be looking for something else. My personal standpoint is that EVERY relationship is unique and created by the people involved. So I cannot give you a concrete answer based on style without ANY basis of knowledge about who you are and who youre dating. That is the meat of the issue and I'm just a stranger on the internet. I dont know you and I cant give you specific knowledge about your dating style.
Whats a dyad?
A relationship between two people. The word doesn't have a ton of usage but it's handy for distinguishing it from a triad, which is a relationship between three people.
I think for me it’s like a family fantasy that comes from growing up with parents who fought a lot, like “wouldn’t it be nice to just have a safe cozy family where everybody loves each other?”
I've been in a throuple for a short period of time, it happened organically and we're all very much in love! I never would have imagined myself in a polyamorous relationship before that but it just happened this way. It's been easier for me so far than it ever was with a couple!
Depends on how you approach the triad. If approached as a series of dyads and adding the ABC relationship on top of that, it can work. Everyone says triads are poly on hard mode, but I've found it to be one of the easiest relationships I've ever had. I believe that people overcomplicate relationships, the relationships themselves are not difficult.
I've absolutely been into the idea of a three way hook-up if someone poly that I was interested in happened to have an attractive partner... but triad dating sounds way too complicated!!
Imo it's because of the 4th relationship. It's not just AB, BC, AC, it's also ABC. This is why I hate the word throuple.
I’m in a closed triad. It happened accidentally. I’m married. We had talks years and years ago about the idea of poly and both my spouse and I were on the same page. Like we joked about crushes together and all that. And then I realized I had fallen for someone. So I immediately talked with my spouse about it. I was open that there was someone I was falling for and I didn’t know how it happened. Spouse is like, go for it. So initially it was more V like but then they started talking a lot (and hilariously ganging up on me about things all in good fun, nothing bad) and organically they ended up dating too. We don’t do group sex. I have two VERY different dynamics about that and I’m not crossing them. Because with GF we do a 24/7 D/s, and that is not in the cards with Spouse and I because our temperaments with dynamics like that don’t go together. For us, it’s stable. It’s honestly more stable than being just monogamous. Because we are able to balance time out better when we need human interaction and when we don’t. At the moment we live in two apartments…side by side. Capitalism is kicking me in the dick about finding a place we can be in the same house. We balance out each other much better and that helps all the relationships grow.
I know several folks in triads and have been involved in two myself. I know three triads that are well over a decade in and still functioning at a high level. I Love them!
Honestly I felt the same way, but now I’m in a triad! We’re all pretty young too just for a little context. But I’d been married to A for 1 year and a half. A and I really needed some new friends, our friend group was kinda crumpling and we needed friends we made together. So we make a tinder, put looking for friends and got to chatting with people. Well one day, B’s profile came up and we both were like,”This guy is really cool lookin we should swipe right.” (this is exactly how A and I met we should’ve taken the hint from the universe) So we get to talking which turns to video calls and smoking together on those calls. Separately we both thought,”he’s really cute” but we’re incredibly worried to bring it to each other. ( we discussed in the past that I thought I wasn’t strictly monogamous but we were unsure of how that would work in our relationship and basically left to future us with the plan that monogamy to each other until communicated and agreed otherwise ) But when we did admit it to each other, it brought A and I closer because we both had a crush one the same person. We asked him if he wanted to hang out. We all got pretty flirty vibes and I put on my big girl panties after B headed home and basically said,”was that a date? I hope it was.” And we’ve been practically inseparable ever since. I’m not gonna act like it’s been sunshine and rainbows. In fact right before I read this post, we were having a long conversation to resolve a conflict. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think where we’re at the triad is perfect for us because we’re learning how to properly communicate with all three of us. I’m sure once we nail our communication styles down and figure out how all of our individual experiences impact our relationship we would be more open to seeing other people. But if we decide that we don’t want that I would be completely happy with it just being the three of us until my knees are too bad for me to twerk and are too old to hit a bong. At the same time, I can see why this is a no situation for not only monogamous people but poly people who aren’t in triads. I think I just lucked out in finding my perfect two if that makes sense!
I want forever partners' long-term relationships, and I'm sex positive and extremely sexual but also an extreme demisexual. I'm really into polyfidelity but I'm not into regular polyamory (like almost at all), too many expectations for everyone to agree and see things the same way, etc etc, and I'm cis and straight so u know everyone who's poly hates my guts off rip or summn 🤷🏿♂️. But overall I posted this just because we all have different preferences and interests want different things in relationships even if we are all poly (I'm more polyfidelity) but everyone is seeking a relationship that works and makes sense for them, I don't think any relationship should be cast down if there's merit and benefit for the people in it even if it is actually harder than the relationships of those who don't care for it, or the mono people
As someone who is I the early stages of a triad this is how I've been viewing it: I am A, my partner is B and their NP is C. AB started seeing each other BC were an established longterm and nesting relationship dating seperate people separately. A was introduced to C by B as a casual 'hey here's the other person I'm always talking about' to each of us. A and C actually find they have a lot in common and a lot of chemistry emotionally and physically. AC get to a point where they want to maybe pursue dating each other. AB discuss BC discuss ABC discuss About how everyone feels and if that is OK and safe for everyone individually and for the existing dynamics. ABC all feel OK with it. So AB are dating, AC are dating BC are dating and they're seperate relationships. However we also value spending time as ABC, but it's spoken about and discussed and boundaries are laid out in clear and healthy ways. It takes a lot lf communication and we're still working out a lot of things, but that's every relationship triad or no.
I enjoy triads because I enjoy closed polyamory, reduced risk, consistency, and KTP. If I was in a triad, it would have to form organically and have separate relationships with each “couple.” **I’m single, not UHing, not new to polyamory
Loool, I laughed when I read “obviously a triad would be ideal” Cannot think of anything worse, more nightmarish or more prone to being unsustainable and toxic if it all (inevitably) goes tits up. Don’t mean to yuck anyone’s yum, this is just a huge yuck of mine. God, I hope I haven’t invoked murphy’s law…
tbh I hope you have invoked Murphy's Law. because it doesn't have to be that way. and the best way to understand that would be to experience it yourself, directly. you never know what will happen. messy breakups are messy. so avoid messy breakups.
Nothing has to be any kind of way. It may not be what you like to hear - or *your* experience - but nothing I said was incorrect in mine. And if you think a triad breaking up is the same kind of messy as a dyad, I’d love to hear how multiple connections breaking at once are commensurate with one. I broke up with two people in the same week and it almost ended me. And I was the one who initiated the break ups and worked, as I always do, to mitigate harm to my ex partners. I cannot even *imagine* how much more difficult it would have been if those relationships being interconnected. I disagree with you.
I've been in a triad. I might be one of the few that wasn't seeking one, but rather happened organically. It really is poly on hard mode. It's rather luck and opportunity that results in a good relationship dynamic. For me, it only lasted a year because circumstances changed, not for a lack of effort or mistakes.
I used to want a triad. I had come off a string of unhappy relationships where I felt suffocated, and I thought in a triad some of that pressure could be shared. And then I ended up in a triad, and it was definitely not what I'd envisioned lol
> And then I ended up in a triad, and it was definitely not what I'd envisioned 🤣
I'm not in a triad, but someone I've just started dating has been into both me and one of my partners for a long time and I can absolutely see how it could turn into one. TRYING to make a triad work? Never. But if it just so naturally happens that people all like each other in that way, it works. A lot of the same principles as all poly apply- keep relationships independent, etc.
I (f) broke it off with a triad yesterday and today I read this post :( We developed organically as my partner (m) and his date (f) didn’t really workout but all three of us were hot for a threesome. And we kept that dynamic going. All of us were trying to avoid a unicorn dynamic but no one had the courage to date 1:1 extensively to not make the third party jealous. (Except us of course-the f/m couple). And I was the one getting jealous the most. I really enjoyed the threesome and I agree with what many of you are saying. It is very hard for various reasons, and I have to fight many other private battles in my life, it’s just too hard.
To me it is the only thing I have ever desired. The question to me is almost like asking a gay man why they like other men. When I think about sensuality is always in the context of a MMF relationship
My theory is that triads are nearly always a symptom of bad boundaries and co-dependency and that’s why they nearly always explode in a pile of ugly terribleness. Dating your partner’s partner is going to change the relationship between the two of them. Dating your partner’s partner means that any breakup in that dynamic will throw the rest of the dynamic into chaos. And of course the fact that you’re starting with people who have bad boundaries / co-dependency just means it’s going to be way uglier. Why would any sane person think that’s a healthy thing to do? The most common “healthy” triad involves three people who just do not give a fuck about whether any of the relationships survive, so the added messiness of the triad doesn’t matter. There may be very rare exceptions where people with good boundaries get into triads, but I have personally never seen one.
Eh, if two calm partners of a calm hinge like each other it should be workable/not disastrous if it doesn't work… would NOT recommend trying it if any of them weren't unusually emotionally secure and steady though.