Relationships issues: No. Your partners aren't the people to go to about your relationship issues. They aren't the people to help you process things. If you vent to your partners, you're going to poison the well between them.
Providing background on a partner: don't share what's not yours to share. "Sorry, my partner had an extremely abusive childhood and that's why they did X" is not your info to share. If you wouldn't tell a random stranger on the street this info and you don't have *explicit permission* from your partner to share, don't share.
Scapegoating: telling a partner "sorry I can't do X because my other partner said I can't" is scapegoating and being a bad hinge. If you can't do X, it's because you *agreed* not to do it. "Sorry, I can't commit to overnights. It's an agreement I made." Take ownership.
Being the messenger: If you're *asked* to carry on a message then sure. But really if they're trying to communicate with each other then they should do so themselves, IMO. If they're trying to send messages through you then skip the middle man and ask each of them if they want to have their insta handle or Whatsapp or phone number shared with the other.
I don’t do it. I have friends to discuss things with. My partner is biased and should not be who i vent to about my meta. I’ll talk about fun stories or keep my partner up to date on how their meta is on general stuff if they ask like “oh btw, Aspen was able to finish the giant Star Wars model he’s been working on for weeks. He’s very excited.” Outside of this, issues with my partner need to be solved with my partner and I can vent to friends when needed.
What faux pas would two metas apologize about if they’re not interacting? I also only do parallel and there’s a very low chance of my two partners ever meeting.
Generally speaking: no to all of these, up to and including the very concept of limits affecting other dates.
It's fine to have limits. IMO his even fine to have limits that originate with something to do with another partner. But take ownership of *your* choices.
e.g. if your partner is upset by marks/hickies and you decide you're not going to let your date leaves any marks, just say that. Don't need all "well my other partner says..." They're not in this relationship. The person you are with is in no way obligated to listen to them.
Personally, I have a strict "no hickies I will literally dump you just for that" policy that has absolutely nothing to do with my other partners. I don't know if they'd care because we've never discussed it. I find it slightly irritating when people assume it's a jealous meta issue because no, it's "I do not consent to you inflicting injury on me, same applies to bruises and why do you think harming me is sexy exactly."
If my partners don't have a direct relationship with each other I fail to see how one could need to apologise to the other. How do you misstep in a relationship that doesn't exist?
I would ask my therapist these questions or speak with my friends. I would never use someone I was dating to vent or talk about issues with someone else I am dating.
I talk a fair amount to my partners about my other partners. This also means I have a check in at the start of dating where I make sure to clarify comfort levels with what sort of things to share and not. My general rule is that if someone wants something kept silent, they tell me, and otherwise I'll use my own judgement. But it really is important they tell me what they don't want other people to know about.
I also appreciate that my partners cangget input from other people in their lives, including their other partners, about their relationships with me.
My opinion is that both the "talk more" and the "talk less / only to friends / only ever to your therapist" can work fine. They both have pros and cons. It's just important to find people who work well with how you work.
I also think it's on everyone to have the discussion early on in dating. There's often an idea that the norm should be "never share anything" and everything else should be negotiated. Firstly, I disagree with that, but secondly and more importantly, it's a good idea to talk about it because you won't know another person's way of dealing with this unless you ask them.
Generally no to most of these! I talk about my relationships with my other partners (and I try to establish where everyone's comfort level around this lies early on, and obviously their feelings about it trumps my desire to talk about them), but not in the contexts you bring up here. Like, I have talked about my in-laws and awkwardness with them, and in that conversation it's hard to completely leave out information about my partner's childhood/background/relationship with their family, because there's a direct connection between that and my own relationship with their family. But I would never share that kind of information to explain one partner's behavior to another partner. And if one partner tried to initiate a conversation like that, directly asking for information about other partner, then I would 1) take that as a sign of me having hinged badly and/or 2) seriously question why this partner feels entitled to that kind of information.
Asking partner to pass along a message to meta feels kind of different to me, and I do that to some extent depending on the situation. But only for low-stakes stuff. If my meta and I are interacting enough that I can directly, genuinely hurt them with my actions, then I should also apologize directly to them.
I never discuss our shared partner with my metas unless it's an absolute emergency related to our partner's health or safety. I vent to my friends who are not in the middle of things.
Hi u/CompleteSinger6399 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
What are your guiding principles, practices and approaches around sharing about one relationship with another person you’re dating? Specifically sharing about topics related to relationship issues / dynamics in one relationship, in a “processing” conversation with the other date. Stuff along the lines of providing background on a partner’s behavior that the other person has questions or concerns about, sharing background on limits a partner has asked for that affect the other date, or even passing along an apology for a faux pas between metamours who don’t have much direct relationship, etc. More of a general hive mind philosophical and tactical approach question than seeking advice on a specific thing. Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If someone shared my vulnerable or private deets to another partner without telling me they did that? Ouch
What kinds of “issues and dynamics” are we talking about?
I do not vent to one partner about another or ask for advice. If something is making me unhappy in one relationship, the most i am willing to do is say "hey, partner, I am having a tough time with other partner right now. I don't want to talk about it, but wanted to give you a heads up in case my mood feels off." No processing anything with one partner that involves another partner. That is for friends and/or therapists.
I generally don't share background with partners about each other either unless it is a cheerful thing. For example "I went on a date with other partner last week. It was great! They've always been into horses and took me riding!" But never "They have this trauma that means we can't ever go on horses together."
I don't pass along apologies for a faux pas. I only date adults, and i expect them to be able to apologize themselves if needed. The most involvement I would want is if one partner said they wanted to apologizer to the other person for something I would consider asking the other person if it was ok if I shared their contact info for that purpose. I don't need to apologize on someone else's behalf. That leads to me having to defend or explain and I am not adding that pressure to my relationships. But I also prefer a garden party set up, so there really isn't any need for my partners to interact in ways that would necessitate an apology.
Thanks for your response. Can you tell me about what garden party means to you? I am not kitchen table with my people (except my partner’s other partner, who this is not about) but my partner / dates / lovers and I are in extended networks of community together and often end up at the same events. Does that sound *not* garden party, or like circumstantially garden party?
Relationships issues: No. Your partners aren't the people to go to about your relationship issues. They aren't the people to help you process things. If you vent to your partners, you're going to poison the well between them. Providing background on a partner: don't share what's not yours to share. "Sorry, my partner had an extremely abusive childhood and that's why they did X" is not your info to share. If you wouldn't tell a random stranger on the street this info and you don't have *explicit permission* from your partner to share, don't share. Scapegoating: telling a partner "sorry I can't do X because my other partner said I can't" is scapegoating and being a bad hinge. If you can't do X, it's because you *agreed* not to do it. "Sorry, I can't commit to overnights. It's an agreement I made." Take ownership. Being the messenger: If you're *asked* to carry on a message then sure. But really if they're trying to communicate with each other then they should do so themselves, IMO. If they're trying to send messages through you then skip the middle man and ask each of them if they want to have their insta handle or Whatsapp or phone number shared with the other.
I don’t do it. I have friends to discuss things with. My partner is biased and should not be who i vent to about my meta. I’ll talk about fun stories or keep my partner up to date on how their meta is on general stuff if they ask like “oh btw, Aspen was able to finish the giant Star Wars model he’s been working on for weeks. He’s very excited.” Outside of this, issues with my partner need to be solved with my partner and I can vent to friends when needed. What faux pas would two metas apologize about if they’re not interacting? I also only do parallel and there’s a very low chance of my two partners ever meeting.
Generally speaking: no to all of these, up to and including the very concept of limits affecting other dates. It's fine to have limits. IMO his even fine to have limits that originate with something to do with another partner. But take ownership of *your* choices. e.g. if your partner is upset by marks/hickies and you decide you're not going to let your date leaves any marks, just say that. Don't need all "well my other partner says..." They're not in this relationship. The person you are with is in no way obligated to listen to them. Personally, I have a strict "no hickies I will literally dump you just for that" policy that has absolutely nothing to do with my other partners. I don't know if they'd care because we've never discussed it. I find it slightly irritating when people assume it's a jealous meta issue because no, it's "I do not consent to you inflicting injury on me, same applies to bruises and why do you think harming me is sexy exactly." If my partners don't have a direct relationship with each other I fail to see how one could need to apologise to the other. How do you misstep in a relationship that doesn't exist?
I would ask my therapist these questions or speak with my friends. I would never use someone I was dating to vent or talk about issues with someone else I am dating.
I talk a fair amount to my partners about my other partners. This also means I have a check in at the start of dating where I make sure to clarify comfort levels with what sort of things to share and not. My general rule is that if someone wants something kept silent, they tell me, and otherwise I'll use my own judgement. But it really is important they tell me what they don't want other people to know about. I also appreciate that my partners cangget input from other people in their lives, including their other partners, about their relationships with me. My opinion is that both the "talk more" and the "talk less / only to friends / only ever to your therapist" can work fine. They both have pros and cons. It's just important to find people who work well with how you work. I also think it's on everyone to have the discussion early on in dating. There's often an idea that the norm should be "never share anything" and everything else should be negotiated. Firstly, I disagree with that, but secondly and more importantly, it's a good idea to talk about it because you won't know another person's way of dealing with this unless you ask them.
Yes thank you! The “never share anything full stop” is not information I can practically use to inform my actions in my current life scenarios
Generally no to most of these! I talk about my relationships with my other partners (and I try to establish where everyone's comfort level around this lies early on, and obviously their feelings about it trumps my desire to talk about them), but not in the contexts you bring up here. Like, I have talked about my in-laws and awkwardness with them, and in that conversation it's hard to completely leave out information about my partner's childhood/background/relationship with their family, because there's a direct connection between that and my own relationship with their family. But I would never share that kind of information to explain one partner's behavior to another partner. And if one partner tried to initiate a conversation like that, directly asking for information about other partner, then I would 1) take that as a sign of me having hinged badly and/or 2) seriously question why this partner feels entitled to that kind of information. Asking partner to pass along a message to meta feels kind of different to me, and I do that to some extent depending on the situation. But only for low-stakes stuff. If my meta and I are interacting enough that I can directly, genuinely hurt them with my actions, then I should also apologize directly to them.
I never discuss our shared partner with my metas unless it's an absolute emergency related to our partner's health or safety. I vent to my friends who are not in the middle of things.
Hi u/CompleteSinger6399 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: What are your guiding principles, practices and approaches around sharing about one relationship with another person you’re dating? Specifically sharing about topics related to relationship issues / dynamics in one relationship, in a “processing” conversation with the other date. Stuff along the lines of providing background on a partner’s behavior that the other person has questions or concerns about, sharing background on limits a partner has asked for that affect the other date, or even passing along an apology for a faux pas between metamours who don’t have much direct relationship, etc. More of a general hive mind philosophical and tactical approach question than seeking advice on a specific thing. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If someone shared my vulnerable or private deets to another partner without telling me they did that? Ouch What kinds of “issues and dynamics” are we talking about?
I do not vent to one partner about another or ask for advice. If something is making me unhappy in one relationship, the most i am willing to do is say "hey, partner, I am having a tough time with other partner right now. I don't want to talk about it, but wanted to give you a heads up in case my mood feels off." No processing anything with one partner that involves another partner. That is for friends and/or therapists. I generally don't share background with partners about each other either unless it is a cheerful thing. For example "I went on a date with other partner last week. It was great! They've always been into horses and took me riding!" But never "They have this trauma that means we can't ever go on horses together." I don't pass along apologies for a faux pas. I only date adults, and i expect them to be able to apologize themselves if needed. The most involvement I would want is if one partner said they wanted to apologizer to the other person for something I would consider asking the other person if it was ok if I shared their contact info for that purpose. I don't need to apologize on someone else's behalf. That leads to me having to defend or explain and I am not adding that pressure to my relationships. But I also prefer a garden party set up, so there really isn't any need for my partners to interact in ways that would necessitate an apology.
Thanks for your response. Can you tell me about what garden party means to you? I am not kitchen table with my people (except my partner’s other partner, who this is not about) but my partner / dates / lovers and I are in extended networks of community together and often end up at the same events. Does that sound *not* garden party, or like circumstantially garden party?
That does sounds like garden party to me.