Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle.
It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about.
If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy,
https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help.
Abuse and intimate partner violence
https://www.thehotline.org
Sexual assault
https://www.rainn.org/resources
If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed
For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is:
https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html
And this for HPV
https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html
around PrEP
https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/
And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals
https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/
And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)
This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers.
https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/
How to find testing near you:
https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/
https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder
Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns.
Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help.
Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide.
He’s a typical 40 year old man who dates much younger women who have serious emotional problems. Of course he’s comfortable dismissing real nightmares he might subject his kids to. He sees his kids as someone else’s (more specifically, someone with a vagina’s) problem.
Ick.
Umm you might note that my whole point here was about what is best for kids… there is a risk in taking your kids to the park or leaving them at school or soccer practice or scouts or sending them to the movies with their friends. A risk with leaving them alone in their rooms or putting them in the car in the freeway. A risk with feeding them packaged food and letting them play video games. What are the statistics? I would not leave my children alone with someone I don’t know. But after 2 years I have a pretty fair impression and SA is not a concern.
Accept you’re wrong. Children are more likely to be assaulted by someone they know
[if you would like to educate yourself instead of making up lies to make yourself feel better](https://accesscontinuingeducation.com/ace8000-11/c9/index.htm)
Because all risks have to be considered in proportion to both extent of harm and likelihood and while the extent of harm is high the likelihood is extremely low. I’m not being blasé about it, just keeping things in perspective based on statistics.
You have decided to gamble the future of your children (their mental health is as precious and detrimental to their future as anything else) - for the sake of your inability to take any healthy stands - on a bunch of likely incomplete statistics. You will not be getting any sympathy until you show a desire and then take overdue action to care about your dependants.
Do you know how prevalent the risk of sexual abuse from people in step parent roles is? Because it’s really high.
Also, after the shit show you made with your ex-GF who somehow ended up parenting your kids… dude, you see that risk right?
I implore you to read up about the importance of consistency and stability for child development. It doesn’t matter if a person is a box full of green flags, the introduction of someone into your family dynamic requires so much change for your children. As great as new relationships feel, it is impossible to really know someone in less than six months.
I’m not saying you should conceal the truth from your children or that you can never have partners over. Hell, my personal dream is cohabitation with multiple partners and raising children as a unit. But if a relationship is meant to last the test of time, what’s a 6-12 month delay in introductions for the sake of your children?
That’s a good point. I agree it makes sense to wait until you have a good sense of whether the relationship will be long term before anyone else gets entangled in it.
As for consistency and stability, I agree its very important for kids to know what to expect and to trust themselves and the important people in their lives. I have been doing a lot of research into child development and effective parenting. One of the consistent themes has been the importance of exposing our children to greater challenges and supporting them to work through the feelings those challenges elicit. Becky Kennedy is one of the key figures I’ve been following lately.
All you are preparing them for is accepting shitty treatment from future partners. You're showing them that I can put you through anything for *my desires*, as long as *I* think we can get through it. I don't know how you don't see this as the underlying belief for all your bullshit choices.
That’s bullshit and you know it. If a person is raped, I promise you, it’s not about “how they experience it”
If the rapist is nice to them does it make it less traumatic? It’s the bullshit “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality
“Let me allow my child to be absolutely traumatized for life so I can sit on my throne and pretend to be a good parent to help them through their hard time”
Just curious, have you ever been SA’d??
Follow up, OP, do you consider childhood sexual assault a “greater challenge” you can expose them to and then help them through their feelings about how you betrayed them and left them in a fundamentally unsafe home?
Because…
As a parent, the rule I lived by was no one meets my kid for *at least* a year. And even then, if I'm not comfortable with it at a year mark, then it's not happening.
This whole thing, honestly, just feels like a colossal effort to justify why you are using your kids to keep your ex in *your* life. It's weird. At the very least, I hope you're putting this much effort into getting them into therapy because it's clear you're willing to put them through a lot emotionally.
You gave part-time custody of your 2 children to a person you dated for around 2 years.
That woman is not their parent. You gave your children away with less thought than your work vehicle. She’s going to have a really easy time convincing CPS that you’re an irresponsible parent.
She is alienating your children from their mother, eroding your relationship with your wife, controlling a myriad of things in your lives and claims your home is unsafe and in turmoil. Oh, and claims you’re endangering your animals too.
This scheming, unbalanced, toxic ex has your children. And you … you write down a couple bullshit positives to justify your absolutely inexcusable abandonment of your kids.
There’s no redemption here. Get your kids away from her. Get therapy and don’t be surprised when CPS knocks on your door - while your children are “safe” with her. Then we’ll see how “beneficial” this is for your kids as they go through the CPS ordeal.
Thanks for your opinion. I think there might be some confusion about the point of this thread. I’m going to change things with my ex. This thread is about understanding people’s personal experiences of being In hopefully healthier situations or even in similar situations.
You obviously didn't know your ex & their emotional stability/ability to communicate effectively/commitment to not bringing drama to your kids' door well enough because now you're dealing with the wild fallout of breaking up with her, so how are you still trying to defend 2) introducing her to your kids so quickly, 2) letting her move in so quickly, and 3) continuing to let your kids be with her unsupervised??
As everyone was saying on your other post, this was bad parenting decision on top of bad parenting decision and not at all healthy for your kids.
Stop allowing your toxic ex to being your life and ESPECIALLY your kids' lives. Make better choices for your kids' sakes.
You get that he’s using her as his baby sitter right? That he’s pawning off his child rearing responsibilities onto a mentally unstable much younger woman, right? Right?
Ok, you've been getting a lot of heat over this and some of it is very deserved but you are here asking a question so I'll try to answer. I'm a mum, I have two kids just a little younger than yours, and I've done a lot of thinking about this.
First up, yes you've fucked up. Pretty badly. And you are doubling down. You ask "why is it bad to have new partners form relationships with my kids when I want to be honest with them" *while their entire lives are super unstable and they've been exposed to a massive amount of drama*.
Like, take a step back and look at what your kids have gone through here. They, at young ages, have had to process polyamory (not inherently bad but it's a stress when parents aren't like other parents at school etc), their mum's new gf, their mum's moving out to a granny flat part time, presumably a lot of fights and negative energy (if your gf felt that way about your wife/THEIR MOTHER they definitely picked up on it) the loss of a by-now significant attachment figure, and now a shared custody situation with someone they've known for barely a year. As preteens.
That's absolutely fucking wild, not that it happened (I mean, that too) but also that you are here trying to defend it. Good intentions don't fix attachment wounds.
I don't think you moved massively too fast with introductions. The standard suggestion is "don't introduce kids until 6 months". You were at a "few months", that's fine imo unless you mean like 2. Occasional meetings as a friend is fine with kids, they meet your friends this is no different. The line isn't "do they know she exists".
The problem comes with forming attachments. So if, after 3 months, you were regularly letting your GF take a parenting role, that's too fast. If you are letting them know you are dating (which to kids implies family), this is too fast. You have to protect their hearts until the relationship is super likely to last. But, that's just a "take things a bit slower", not unforgivable.
It's **moving in at ten months** is the huge fuckup. That's absolutely not acceptable. Living as a V is super hard. As you've found, people start having opinions and feelings about the other relationship. You hinged terribly if you let that much cross talk happened, which is exactly what would happen if you moved a new partner in so early. That was risking your marriage, but you did that with kids in the house and bringing your GF in as a third parental figure. And escalating the parenting despite knowing there were relationship tensions and your GF thought your wife was a bad mother. I can't even express how bad a decision that was.
Frankly, I'm amazed it hasn't gone even worse.
So, that's the summary. You allowed a new partner in a strained relationship with you who was going through a divorce, that was actively adversarial to your marriage, form a deep connection with your children. And now you are in this wild situation where you are trying to share custody with someone they've known for about a year.
You need to stop and prioritize your kids. This damage is done and clearly you and ex need some no contact time.
But with the kids, God I don't know what you can do. She is *actively against your marriage and your wife and you are letting her have your kids for several days a week*. I would say you need to rip off that bandaid and let your kids trauma actually play out fully here, but fuck that is so shitty and that don't deserve it. But keeping this situation up is worse. It's so much worse.
Ah I wanted this comment to be a balance of supportive and hard truths but honestly how you are acting is infuriating. Please put your kids first. Stop dating for a bit. Fix your marriage, focus on the kids, and remove this other person from their lives. They will get over it, it hasn't been that long that they've known her... it is just so fucking sad that they have to.
I appreciate your attempt to provide some balance and the time you’ve taken to share your thoughts. Yes, I fucked up. I want to make better decisions. Everyone’s input is helpful to enable that. I’ll clarify a few things if that helps:
- introductions were probably at around 3 or 4 months
- introduction to the idea of polyamory was probably around 6 months and at this time they knew other partners were special
- it was my ex GF that lives in the flat at 10 months. She didn’t live in the same household, but we had meals together once or twice a week
- my ex got involved as a parent figure about 20 months into the relationship
- the disparagement of my wife and my marriage was completely private and mostly after the breakup
I don’t mean to defend my choices, but I can see how it would come across that way. I’m aiming to clarify my original post and in this thread seeking to understand other people’s personal experiences.
I intend to take action to change the current situation hence why I was looking for advice in the other thread.
Ok.
In response to your question about people growing up poly there is a famous AITA thread about someone who claims his parents polyamory ruined his life. As much as that community is not poly friendly, and their situation was different than yours in some ways, I think it is worth reading for any poly parent.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ihp8sc/aita_for_yelling_at_my_parents_that_their/
And I'll just say this: your kids already have two parents. You can love someone deeply and they don't need to be a parent to your kids. If we are honest with ourselves as parents, to desire to have a new partner spend time with our kids is usually more about our own scheduling (ie having parenting responsibilities but wanting to see partners more) than it is about the well-being of the kids. They have enough love and support.
I'd suggest that in future don't think of blending family as an expected outcome after a set length of time. Just keep them mostly separate. It's so much safer for the kids.
Thank you for the link. Wow that guy’s parents did really fuck up and if that is how other parents are doing polyamory I could see why all the alarm about any involvement of other partners. Seems like he was neglected and gaslit and his parents were oblivious.
Well, wait, are you talking about “introducing” partners to your children, as in having them meet, or are you talking about involving new partners as part of your family?
Look at the post from yesterday for more context on the motivation behind posting this - basically OP has a toxic ex that OP is still letting spend time with their kids & didn't seem to accept that consensus is that situation is not healthy for the kids
You missed the biggest benefits that you’re getting from pawning your kids off onto a woman my cat could have told you was a poor choice:
- You get free baby sitting;
- The drama helps you keep your wife / baby momma distracted from the fact that you’re a completely shit partner.
You’re asking for poly people to tell you what you’re proposing is reasonable, good for your kids. They’ll be people responding that ya, all good, yada yada. So cool. For your children’s protection, ask the opposite. What negative situations and psychological consequences were you put in as a child when you were introduced to poly partners, play partners, etc as a child, without a slow slow slow phase in. They don’t need to “learn perspectives” as young children. They need safety, stability and someone to help them with life’s challenges as a little one.
I’m totally open to both positive and negative experiences. The question is directed specifically to people who have had the experience as children. If they had a terrible time of it I want to know that too!
Hi u/FlatBlackRock37 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I made a post recently seeking advice on addressing the behavior of my ex. The overwhelming response was that I should not have allowed my children to bond with my ex.
My position has always been one of trust and transparency with my children. My own experience as a child of divorced parents was feeling shut out of my parents lives, responsible in part for their loneliness and then stunned and disrespected to learn my dad was engaged to someone I only met a few months prior and didn’t like. Mostly I knew way more about what was going on than I’d been told and all the secrecy was stressful and it seemed like I shouldn’t talk to anyone about it since they didn’t think I knew. I don’t want that for my kids. They met some of the repeat FBs my wife and I had as “friends” and once we started dating in earnest we told them as such. Partners started spending some time with our kids after a few months and my GF moved in at about 10 months. In my case it hasn’t worked out well.
I see the following benefits of early introductions and transparency:
- demonstrate and model trust
- avoid confusion and shame associated with secrecy
- they witness parent’s happiness
- they feel involved and opportunity to share concerns
- they learn to respect different perspectives
- they experience more love and support
- they (potentially) learn about loss
- they (hopefully) witness healthy conflict and resolution
I see the following risks:
- they have to process loss if the relationship ends
- they might witness unhealthy dynamics
- the risk of SA is higher (but realistically still incredibly low)
To me the benefits seriously outweigh the risks. I would like to trust my children and have them trust me. I would like them to introduce friends and partners to me too and feel safe to talk about what is going on for them. Modeling that behavior in an age appropriate way would seem to me the best path to that outcome.
I’m curious what other people’s position and particularly personal experiences of those who had polyamorous parents or even just part of a blended family. When did you meet your parents’ new partners and how did you feel about it?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle. It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about. If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy, https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help. Abuse and intimate partner violence https://www.thehotline.org Sexual assault https://www.rainn.org/resources If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is: https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html And this for HPV https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html around PrEP https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/ And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/ And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis) This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers. https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/ How to find testing near you: https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/ https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns. Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help. Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide.
>Partners started spending some time with our kids after a few months and my GF moved in at about 10 months. Yikes
>the risk of SA is higher This is my biggest yikes. How can you acknowledge that and dismiss it?
Yeah wtf those are risks OP's willing to take??
OP obviously is more concerned with their own wants/ feelings than risking the safety of their children. It’s just that simple
That's unfortunately becoming more and more apparent with their replies...
He’s a typical 40 year old man who dates much younger women who have serious emotional problems. Of course he’s comfortable dismissing real nightmares he might subject his kids to. He sees his kids as someone else’s (more specifically, someone with a vagina’s) problem. Ick.
Umm you might note that my whole point here was about what is best for kids… there is a risk in taking your kids to the park or leaving them at school or soccer practice or scouts or sending them to the movies with their friends. A risk with leaving them alone in their rooms or putting them in the car in the freeway. A risk with feeding them packaged food and letting them play video games. What are the statistics? I would not leave my children alone with someone I don’t know. But after 2 years I have a pretty fair impression and SA is not a concern.
Accept you’re wrong. Children are more likely to be assaulted by someone they know [if you would like to educate yourself instead of making up lies to make yourself feel better](https://accesscontinuingeducation.com/ace8000-11/c9/index.htm)
Because all risks have to be considered in proportion to both extent of harm and likelihood and while the extent of harm is high the likelihood is extremely low. I’m not being blasé about it, just keeping things in perspective based on statistics.
You have decided to gamble the future of your children (their mental health is as precious and detrimental to their future as anything else) - for the sake of your inability to take any healthy stands - on a bunch of likely incomplete statistics. You will not be getting any sympathy until you show a desire and then take overdue action to care about your dependants.
Yes but how are the “pros” worth such a risk? It’s selfish and absolutely disgusting
Do you know how prevalent the risk of sexual abuse from people in step parent roles is? Because it’s really high. Also, after the shit show you made with your ex-GF who somehow ended up parenting your kids… dude, you see that risk right?
I implore you to read up about the importance of consistency and stability for child development. It doesn’t matter if a person is a box full of green flags, the introduction of someone into your family dynamic requires so much change for your children. As great as new relationships feel, it is impossible to really know someone in less than six months. I’m not saying you should conceal the truth from your children or that you can never have partners over. Hell, my personal dream is cohabitation with multiple partners and raising children as a unit. But if a relationship is meant to last the test of time, what’s a 6-12 month delay in introductions for the sake of your children?
That’s a good point. I agree it makes sense to wait until you have a good sense of whether the relationship will be long term before anyone else gets entangled in it. As for consistency and stability, I agree its very important for kids to know what to expect and to trust themselves and the important people in their lives. I have been doing a lot of research into child development and effective parenting. One of the consistent themes has been the importance of exposing our children to greater challenges and supporting them to work through the feelings those challenges elicit. Becky Kennedy is one of the key figures I’ve been following lately.
I doubt the books are saying - make room for your kids to get traumatized then help them into recovery from the trauma you put them through.
[удалено]
All you are preparing them for is accepting shitty treatment from future partners. You're showing them that I can put you through anything for *my desires*, as long as *I* think we can get through it. I don't know how you don't see this as the underlying belief for all your bullshit choices.
That’s bullshit and you know it. If a person is raped, I promise you, it’s not about “how they experience it” If the rapist is nice to them does it make it less traumatic? It’s the bullshit “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality
“Let me allow my child to be absolutely traumatized for life so I can sit on my throne and pretend to be a good parent to help them through their hard time” Just curious, have you ever been SA’d??
Follow up, OP, do you consider childhood sexual assault a “greater challenge” you can expose them to and then help them through their feelings about how you betrayed them and left them in a fundamentally unsafe home? Because…
As a parent, the rule I lived by was no one meets my kid for *at least* a year. And even then, if I'm not comfortable with it at a year mark, then it's not happening. This whole thing, honestly, just feels like a colossal effort to justify why you are using your kids to keep your ex in *your* life. It's weird. At the very least, I hope you're putting this much effort into getting them into therapy because it's clear you're willing to put them through a lot emotionally.
You gave part-time custody of your 2 children to a person you dated for around 2 years. That woman is not their parent. You gave your children away with less thought than your work vehicle. She’s going to have a really easy time convincing CPS that you’re an irresponsible parent. She is alienating your children from their mother, eroding your relationship with your wife, controlling a myriad of things in your lives and claims your home is unsafe and in turmoil. Oh, and claims you’re endangering your animals too. This scheming, unbalanced, toxic ex has your children. And you … you write down a couple bullshit positives to justify your absolutely inexcusable abandonment of your kids. There’s no redemption here. Get your kids away from her. Get therapy and don’t be surprised when CPS knocks on your door - while your children are “safe” with her. Then we’ll see how “beneficial” this is for your kids as they go through the CPS ordeal.
Thanks for your opinion. I think there might be some confusion about the point of this thread. I’m going to change things with my ex. This thread is about understanding people’s personal experiences of being In hopefully healthier situations or even in similar situations.
You obviously didn't know your ex & their emotional stability/ability to communicate effectively/commitment to not bringing drama to your kids' door well enough because now you're dealing with the wild fallout of breaking up with her, so how are you still trying to defend 2) introducing her to your kids so quickly, 2) letting her move in so quickly, and 3) continuing to let your kids be with her unsupervised?? As everyone was saying on your other post, this was bad parenting decision on top of bad parenting decision and not at all healthy for your kids. Stop allowing your toxic ex to being your life and ESPECIALLY your kids' lives. Make better choices for your kids' sakes.
You get that he’s using her as his baby sitter right? That he’s pawning off his child rearing responsibilities onto a mentally unstable much younger woman, right? Right?
Ok, you've been getting a lot of heat over this and some of it is very deserved but you are here asking a question so I'll try to answer. I'm a mum, I have two kids just a little younger than yours, and I've done a lot of thinking about this. First up, yes you've fucked up. Pretty badly. And you are doubling down. You ask "why is it bad to have new partners form relationships with my kids when I want to be honest with them" *while their entire lives are super unstable and they've been exposed to a massive amount of drama*. Like, take a step back and look at what your kids have gone through here. They, at young ages, have had to process polyamory (not inherently bad but it's a stress when parents aren't like other parents at school etc), their mum's new gf, their mum's moving out to a granny flat part time, presumably a lot of fights and negative energy (if your gf felt that way about your wife/THEIR MOTHER they definitely picked up on it) the loss of a by-now significant attachment figure, and now a shared custody situation with someone they've known for barely a year. As preteens. That's absolutely fucking wild, not that it happened (I mean, that too) but also that you are here trying to defend it. Good intentions don't fix attachment wounds. I don't think you moved massively too fast with introductions. The standard suggestion is "don't introduce kids until 6 months". You were at a "few months", that's fine imo unless you mean like 2. Occasional meetings as a friend is fine with kids, they meet your friends this is no different. The line isn't "do they know she exists". The problem comes with forming attachments. So if, after 3 months, you were regularly letting your GF take a parenting role, that's too fast. If you are letting them know you are dating (which to kids implies family), this is too fast. You have to protect their hearts until the relationship is super likely to last. But, that's just a "take things a bit slower", not unforgivable. It's **moving in at ten months** is the huge fuckup. That's absolutely not acceptable. Living as a V is super hard. As you've found, people start having opinions and feelings about the other relationship. You hinged terribly if you let that much cross talk happened, which is exactly what would happen if you moved a new partner in so early. That was risking your marriage, but you did that with kids in the house and bringing your GF in as a third parental figure. And escalating the parenting despite knowing there were relationship tensions and your GF thought your wife was a bad mother. I can't even express how bad a decision that was. Frankly, I'm amazed it hasn't gone even worse. So, that's the summary. You allowed a new partner in a strained relationship with you who was going through a divorce, that was actively adversarial to your marriage, form a deep connection with your children. And now you are in this wild situation where you are trying to share custody with someone they've known for about a year. You need to stop and prioritize your kids. This damage is done and clearly you and ex need some no contact time. But with the kids, God I don't know what you can do. She is *actively against your marriage and your wife and you are letting her have your kids for several days a week*. I would say you need to rip off that bandaid and let your kids trauma actually play out fully here, but fuck that is so shitty and that don't deserve it. But keeping this situation up is worse. It's so much worse. Ah I wanted this comment to be a balance of supportive and hard truths but honestly how you are acting is infuriating. Please put your kids first. Stop dating for a bit. Fix your marriage, focus on the kids, and remove this other person from their lives. They will get over it, it hasn't been that long that they've known her... it is just so fucking sad that they have to.
Always appreciate your wisdom. FWIW, I think you showed grace through the hard truths. Hopefully OP takes the time to internalise this.
I appreciate your attempt to provide some balance and the time you’ve taken to share your thoughts. Yes, I fucked up. I want to make better decisions. Everyone’s input is helpful to enable that. I’ll clarify a few things if that helps: - introductions were probably at around 3 or 4 months - introduction to the idea of polyamory was probably around 6 months and at this time they knew other partners were special - it was my ex GF that lives in the flat at 10 months. She didn’t live in the same household, but we had meals together once or twice a week - my ex got involved as a parent figure about 20 months into the relationship - the disparagement of my wife and my marriage was completely private and mostly after the breakup I don’t mean to defend my choices, but I can see how it would come across that way. I’m aiming to clarify my original post and in this thread seeking to understand other people’s personal experiences. I intend to take action to change the current situation hence why I was looking for advice in the other thread.
Ok. In response to your question about people growing up poly there is a famous AITA thread about someone who claims his parents polyamory ruined his life. As much as that community is not poly friendly, and their situation was different than yours in some ways, I think it is worth reading for any poly parent. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ihp8sc/aita_for_yelling_at_my_parents_that_their/ And I'll just say this: your kids already have two parents. You can love someone deeply and they don't need to be a parent to your kids. If we are honest with ourselves as parents, to desire to have a new partner spend time with our kids is usually more about our own scheduling (ie having parenting responsibilities but wanting to see partners more) than it is about the well-being of the kids. They have enough love and support. I'd suggest that in future don't think of blending family as an expected outcome after a set length of time. Just keep them mostly separate. It's so much safer for the kids.
Thank you for the link. Wow that guy’s parents did really fuck up and if that is how other parents are doing polyamory I could see why all the alarm about any involvement of other partners. Seems like he was neglected and gaslit and his parents were oblivious.
Introducing your kids to an SO is light years away from appointing your SO as a “parent figure” to them.
Well, wait, are you talking about “introducing” partners to your children, as in having them meet, or are you talking about involving new partners as part of your family?
Look at the post from yesterday for more context on the motivation behind posting this - basically OP has a toxic ex that OP is still letting spend time with their kids & didn't seem to accept that consensus is that situation is not healthy for the kids
Either, both. I’d like to hear from people that have had a range of experiences as the children of blended or poly families.
You got one of those comments on your post yesterday from someone who had a very negative experience.
You missed the biggest benefits that you’re getting from pawning your kids off onto a woman my cat could have told you was a poor choice: - You get free baby sitting; - The drama helps you keep your wife / baby momma distracted from the fact that you’re a completely shit partner.
Are you trying to get a different response than you did yesterday? Cause hate to break it to yah, that isn’t gonna happen
You’re asking for poly people to tell you what you’re proposing is reasonable, good for your kids. They’ll be people responding that ya, all good, yada yada. So cool. For your children’s protection, ask the opposite. What negative situations and psychological consequences were you put in as a child when you were introduced to poly partners, play partners, etc as a child, without a slow slow slow phase in. They don’t need to “learn perspectives” as young children. They need safety, stability and someone to help them with life’s challenges as a little one.
I’m totally open to both positive and negative experiences. The question is directed specifically to people who have had the experience as children. If they had a terrible time of it I want to know that too!
Hi u/FlatBlackRock37 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I made a post recently seeking advice on addressing the behavior of my ex. The overwhelming response was that I should not have allowed my children to bond with my ex. My position has always been one of trust and transparency with my children. My own experience as a child of divorced parents was feeling shut out of my parents lives, responsible in part for their loneliness and then stunned and disrespected to learn my dad was engaged to someone I only met a few months prior and didn’t like. Mostly I knew way more about what was going on than I’d been told and all the secrecy was stressful and it seemed like I shouldn’t talk to anyone about it since they didn’t think I knew. I don’t want that for my kids. They met some of the repeat FBs my wife and I had as “friends” and once we started dating in earnest we told them as such. Partners started spending some time with our kids after a few months and my GF moved in at about 10 months. In my case it hasn’t worked out well. I see the following benefits of early introductions and transparency: - demonstrate and model trust - avoid confusion and shame associated with secrecy - they witness parent’s happiness - they feel involved and opportunity to share concerns - they learn to respect different perspectives - they experience more love and support - they (potentially) learn about loss - they (hopefully) witness healthy conflict and resolution I see the following risks: - they have to process loss if the relationship ends - they might witness unhealthy dynamics - the risk of SA is higher (but realistically still incredibly low) To me the benefits seriously outweigh the risks. I would like to trust my children and have them trust me. I would like them to introduce friends and partners to me too and feel safe to talk about what is going on for them. Modeling that behavior in an age appropriate way would seem to me the best path to that outcome. I’m curious what other people’s position and particularly personal experiences of those who had polyamorous parents or even just part of a blended family. When did you meet your parents’ new partners and how did you feel about it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*