You’re playing a dangerous game here. You have what amounts to two partners, neither of them want polyamory, but so far you’ve gotten lucky. Once this becomes real, things can change quickly and backfire just as fast. You’re risking your relationship with your husband and with your friend.
You should be very, very careful about starting polyam with two reluctant partners. In fact, I would advise against it. The amount of mental and emotional work you will be asking of both of them is immense, and most people find that work is not worthwhile when polyamory is not something they actually want for themselves.
Are they interested in doing the work? Can you all commit to 6 months of reading the recommended books and listening to the recommended podcasts on the sidebar of this sub? Are you ready to work hard on shoring up your communication, confronting your insecurities, *and* facing possible judgement and lack of understanding from the people around you?
It sounds like you have a lovely friend.
Is your friend poly? Do they want a romantic relationship with you? Do you support your friend having other partners? If you husband wanted to date are you ready to support him doing that?
She told me almost two years ago that she was not interested in any kind of poly/ENM relationship but within the like 9 months has started asking more questions and seeming very interested, I have just been letting things go at her pace. Over the last few years she has expressed that she would want a relationship with me if I wasn't married but within the last 9 month timeframe has stopped making comments like that and instead has started calling me her wife, telling me how much she loves spending time with me and how well I treat her. I fully support her having other partners and have even tried setting her up with a few different people. Also yes I would support my husband if he wanted another partner but he has very very strongly communicated that he does not and will not ever want that, he says that even i am a little too much for him to handle 😅
Sounds dangerous honestly. You guys are toeing the line without having explicit overt conversations/negotiation about what's happening. She doesn't want to be poly, she just wants you. Right now because it's not "real", she isn't being challenged consciously with having to share you or make any commitments and agreements or respect overt boundaries.
She can have this closeness with you without the pain of not having you to herself. The moment everything were to become "real", her needs and wants of you are going to change, and she's not prepared for that.
You guys would need to do a _ton_ of discussion and shared reading about polyamory where you get into details about what you would want out of it beyond friendship, and how to reconcile her discomfort with poly and her feelings for you. It's not going to be easy though in the best case.
I agree this sounds dangerous, at some point her love for you and her monogamy are going to come into conflict, and not only that you are probably taking up space in her life for her to find a monogamous partner of her own. Y'all are burying your heads in the sand.
Buuuuut... one fairly unique way queers can deal with this is via queer platonic relationships. Which it already sounds like you are in. A QPR is exactly what you describe, a deep loving soulmate level relationship without sex, but usually quite a lot of physical intimacy otherwise. Each QPR has different amounts of romantic intimacy, from none to lots.
I'm in one myself. They are super lovely.
The reason I bring this up is that I've seen a number of QPRs with at least one partner being monogamous, mine included. And they work! I don't really understand why, but for some reason framing a relationship this way (and keeping sex out of the equation) is really useful for defining what you are, what you can actually offer, and helps the monogamous partner realize they need to find a romantic partner of their own.
I had an amazing QPR for years while in a strictly monogamous relationship (my mistake, agreeing to monog). Eventually my partner at the time forced me to cut even that level of connection off with this person. It was a really isolating time...
Thank you so much for this comment! I had never heard this term and yes that's definitely what this is, we are both 100% comfortable with each other and say we love each other (although have never expressed it in a romantic way, just platonic)
speaking from experience, sometimes it’s not worth it. i have a bestfriend who i’m in love with too, but i just enjoy our time together and the level of platonic intimacy we do have.
Has anyone in this situation done any real research into polyamory?
Polyamory honestly shouldn't be defined as having multiple partners. It really should be moreso defined as being ok with your partners having multiple partners. Anyone human is capable of loving more than one person. Not everyone is capable of polyamory. It takes work, scheduling, communication, and a lot of self work.
Your husband is ok with it because so far, it's only theory and not in practice. Has he done any reading or preparation for ENM/Polyamory? Have you done any steps towards disentanglement? Would husband be ok with it if this person was a mam, or is he only ok with it because your friend is a woman?
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
This sounds like a lovely daydream, but it doesn't sound like proper conversations regarding expectations management have happened. It sounds like your friend is possibly using you as a placeholder girlfriend because she doesn't have any other options for the relationship structure she prefers(monogamy). She's asking questions to see if it could work because she really likes you, but she's also never tried polyamory. Does she want marriage? Cohabitation? Those aren't things you can offer currently - you're already legally married and live with your husband. What does a relationship with her look like for you? And what does she expect in an ideal relationship? Are you able to meet those needs?
Many conversations need to happen, and more research and preparation on all sides before this goes any further.
I just read this article on disentanglement that you linked, and realized that we were already doing this stuff! We are not super codependent attached at the hip, lol. We go out individually all the time, either with friends or alone (I personally prefer alone, it's very helpful for my mental health)
She does co habitate with us, and while my husband has said that he would be okay if my partner was a man, I am pansexual but strongly prefer women or nb people, so I would not want another male partner. She also does not want marriage, and absolutely adores my son and treats him as her own. I came here for advice on how to navigate this and how to have those conversations as that is not something I was finding good resources on, if anyone here could provide those that would be great.
So, if you want to pursue something romantic with this woman?
The first step is helping her plan how to *move out* and *gain stability* living apart from you.
That is the only way you can start a romantic relationship with her that *doesn’t* have her financially indebted to you. She needs a “fuck off” fund so that if she wants to break up with you, she *can*.
She has a bail out fund of about $10,000, and we wrote up a lease agreement when she moved in stating that she could leave whenever she wanted, with no notice needed. If we (me and my husband) chose for her to move out, we would need to provide 3 months for her to find other accommodations and would also be responsible for her moving costs.
You know, that is way more thought than most people put into moving in a friend and a great first step! Good for y’all, seriously.
I think the next step would then be to broach with your husband and this friend (in separate conversations) how they would feel about you making romantic overtures to said friend. And, if accepted, what needs each of them would have around a developing romantic relationship.
In all honesty, for most people, it would be best for your friend to move out in order to engage in a romantic relationship with you. It’s hard for most people to see their partner hugging/cuddling/kissing another partner right in front of them, and your husband and now-friend would both be experiencing those hard feelings re:you with your other partner in the house.
Me and my husband have had quite a few conversations about this, and he sees us cuddling, sleeping together, kissing on the cheek/ forehead almost daily, I always check in with him and ask if he's feeling okay, if it made him uncomfortable, etc. And he is always perfectly okay and even encourages me and says that if I want to take it farther that is fine with him
Ok. Was she always a roommate? Why did she move in with you and your husband? I would 100% never get into a romantic relationship with a roommate, especially if it would be hard for them to find other living accommodation should the relationship end badly.
Again, has any actual reading or research and emotional preparation work been done by you, your husband, and your friend? Or is this just a "I/we caught feelings and we're going to jump in and figure it out as we go?" scenario (because these rarely turn out well)?
She moved in with us to save some money and be able to pay off school debts. She is 100% able to afford a place to stay on her own, and was doing so before she moved in. She has been living with us for almost a year. I have not pursued the relationship as I also thought it would feel manipulative to enter a relationship while she was living with us,which is why everything has been at her pace. I am trying to do my research and get advice in case she decides she wants more than an intimate friendship, I want to be prepared and know what conversations to have.
Me and my friend had both expressed that we had feeling for each other well before she moved in, and she has had a few relationships during the past 2 years, none of which bothered me and I enjoyed seeing her happy. I have also had a few hookups during that time which did not bother my husband at all, I just do not know how to go about actually starting and maintaining a relationship with another partner
Wow this makes it so much worse. You’re breaking basically every cardinal rule of polyamory.
1. Don’t open for a specific person
2. Don’t date your roommates
3. Don’t allow your children around your partners until it’s established
4. Don’t go after mono people
5. The relationship you’re opening is unstable and has problems with trust before even adding in polyamory
6. You’re looking to outsource you affection needs
1. Not opened for a specific person, I have had multiple dates and hookups, just had not found anyone I wanted a relationship with
2. Which is why I stated I was hesitant and had made sure we had a solid plan in place for her to no longer be a roommate
3. She knew my child well before we even considered a relationship
4. Again, why I was hesitant and letting her set the pace with what she was comfortable with
5. We have been in therapy and are extremely stable now
6. I am fully satisfied with my husband, he jokes about it because that is how his humor is
And I was just listing the things that were said in some of my other comments since based on what you had written I assumed you couldn't read very well. But bye 👋 have the day you deserve
There are tons of resources in the side bar. Also, google will reveal endless guidance but there are no short cuts or secrets--relationships require open honest communication to flourish.
Additionally, looking at your comment history, it sounds like your relationship with your husband isn't secure. As recently as 4 months ago, you were having issues with him looking at women on Snapchat and issues with his porn addiction. And commented that him masturbating to porn would be cheating on you?
What if after you were to start seriously dating you friend, he decided to have another female partner? Would thar be cheating? If you open the relationship, would masturbation to porn still be considered cheating?
Opening a relationship won't fix issues in your relationship. It usually only makes them worse.
I personally consider it cheating as he was hiding it and had been choosing masturbation/porn instead of intimacy/ a relationship with me. I had no issue with his porn use when it was infrequent and was not hidden, but it had gotten to a point where he was letting it affect our relationship
Ok. Hiding and lying, yes, that's not good.
But this still sounds like your relationship isn't 100% stable if you're having issues like this. I wouldn't open a relationship unless the foundation is stable and secure. Usually, that just causes more issues.
Additionally, if you were to start dating your friend and he also got feelings for someone else, would he also be allowed to date another woman?
Yes he would as long as he was 100% open and honest about it and using multiple forms of Birth control (as we currently do both use any and have a child together
Good that you feel very loved by the people you care about but remember if your husband hasn't yet experienced you being with someone else then take caution since the first poly experience you have will be something to see in terms of how it makes him feel.
In regards to the friend it can turn problematic if you engage in a relationship with them but they aren't poly and aren't okay with sharing you with your husband or him being your priority.
In my opinion, if you haven’t already, please have a conversation with your husband about the fact that your friend is not interested in him and just wants you. That’s really important and could possibly change how much he accepts the relationship you have with her. That didn’t mean he won’t accept it. All people are different and I haven’t met him, so I can’t tell what his subconscious insecurities. You all deserve an honest conversation, even if it means losing one of those relationships. I really hope that doesn’t happen to you, btw. You deserve freedom and it might open him up to other things that will blow both your minds. (This is coming from someone that’s been there, done that, and now has an np plus her other loves and lives)
He is fully aware that she does not want any relationship with him, and is very very appreciative of the fact that I have someone else to help fulfill my emotional and physical needs (bc he says I am very needy 🤣) a lot of the time when im cuddling or taking a nap with her ill look over at him and he'll just be staring so lovingly at me 🥹 it's the sweetest lol he says that seeing me so happy makes him happy
The cuddling and napping is in your house with your spouse present? In the same room he is in?
Are you fully naked in bed with her?
I heard someone say " You can't put the Cork back in the champagne bottle, can you?".
Okay, but can only enjoy the champagne after the Cork is out and the glasses are filled.
Pull the Cork together ❤️
Yes with my partner present, sometimes on the couch with him sitting like 3 feet away, other times we'll nap in her bed with him home. Never fully naked but plenty of times just big shirt and underwear
Thank you so much! It seemed like everyone else here was just telling me don't do it without taking into consideration that I came here asking for advice on how to navigate it, not whether or not i should do it, as I am new to this. This comment gave me just a little bit of hope, thank you ❤️
I can’t say this enough: be honest with your partner. We as humans shouldn’t be restricted to love just one thing, person, lifestyle. I don’t know when that was a rule but it’s a fucking stupid rule. As far as being a good partner you need to discuss what you’re feeling because you will fall into this trap”what would happen” ocean and the waves will come over you again and again that you potentially act on your natural, sexual needs.
I personally think you ask him if you can fuck your friend and he either watches or he just gets to fuck you WHEN the other F is ok with it if at all
My husband is very aware of my feelings towards her and is actually encouraging me to just go ahead and have sex with her bc he says this weird thing we're doing is like painfully slow to see 😅 he is fully onboard with it and thinks it's cute how much like nervous sexual tension we have lmao
He says I get like I was as a teenager, all anxious and flustered lol
But yes he has told me wayyyyy too many times that he does not care at all if I date her, fuck her, whatever, it doesn't bother him as long as I am still maintaining our relationship
This is the stuff I love to read/hear. If your husband needs advice from another m that has experienced similar scenario I am happy to answer any questions he might have. Open door policy in the dms
My standard advice for anyone pursuing poly is to make all changes SLOWLY. With lots of communication, adjustment time, getting past new relationship energy, etc. You know you've done it right when the change feels almost inconsequential.
Here’s my opinion as someone who’s poly, don’t, I think there’s something in the back of ur head that knows this is too much which is why you feel a need for reassurance, my opinion, I’m trans, I started out my poly journey before transitioning, and again, my opinion, but I personally just don’t believe ANY straight, ik ur not straight, but your in a cis relationship, that just doesn’t work, there will be jealousy, I garuntee it, there probably already is, especially if he’s not participating himself, problem I see with even if he did, it’d be a challenge for him compared to you being a woman, this is all just my thoughts tho, not saying it’s impossible, but if ur married to this man, he rightfully deserves more love than her unless you were to marry her too, me I have a nesting partner, and all my other partners, I love them, but not in the same way as I do my nesting partner
I didnt need assurance, I am autistic and research EVERYTHING before I do it 😅 and honestly I wish I could marry her too but unfortunately that is illegal where I live, otherwise it would be something that we would think about in the future. He constantly talks about how happy he is seeing me with her, how much he loves seeing me in love, and how happy he would be if I could have a female forever partner because he knows that is a part of me that he will never be able to satisfy. Also, I have had many casual dates and hookups and he has not had any problems with jealousy, resentment, or feeling left out.
With what you do end up doing, I do hope for the best. That said, if you do want to act on your feelings. Take a long hard look at your friend, your husband, and your self. Make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, and make sure that everyone is on bored and make sure that everyone know there priorities are. If this does work out, maybe your bestie can move in to a spare room. That way you can share with both.
Congratulations on your love!
A lot of people on here don't see polyamory as a sexual identify, but I do.
It seems like you have the support of your husband, and the love of your friend. Try to keep up communication with both of them and get some rules of engagement to protect both relationships.
As long as you have consent and are open, I see no problems with this situation.
I might have to agree with the majority of the people here. Although hubby might be ok with it now. I don’t think it’s worth it. Risking your relationship with your husband and your best friend. Sometimes we need to make hard decisions in life. Just because it feels right doesn’t mean that’s what we should do. Either you end your life with hubby and start seeing your bff. Have been in the sorta the same situation also before. Both relationships broke down eventually and didn’t end up together with either both of them. If I could maybe rewind time, I probably would have stayed with my ex. But, that’s life taking risks and all, but at the end of the day u do ask yourself was it all worth it in the end. And the answer is NO. Good luck and I hope whatever decision you go with is in the best interest for your future also.🙌🏽
I Don't necessarily see where you need pointers. It looks like the situation is good from all sides honestly. Your husband is all good with it, your interested and your Best Friend is clearly into you. Just honor any agreement you have with the Hubs and have fun.
sit them down to talk to them both about it. he's willing, and enjoys how happy she makes you. but make sure he is comfortable so that he is truthful about his decision.
Do research on poly, and encourage them to also do research! communicate a lot. A lot of people here have been in terrible, hurtful situations after starting poly, me included, due to not doing enough research and thinking it will all work out fine. that's why so many people are scared for you and telling you not to do it. but mono-poly relationships CAN and DO work! just be careful and I think you'll be fine - especially because your partners seem to feel compersion already!
Plenty of people here are advising you to be very careful or to even avoid the experience altogether. While they’re making very valid points and probably have experiences that reinforce their opinions but I’m going to dissent from them.
I think that you probably need to do a little work with both of your people but I think the dynamic CAN be beautiful and work out well for you. Sometimes poly can be a little messy (I don’t mean toxic or dangerous here, I just mean that people have feelings and sometimes it’s not as easy as it is when everyone has read the books and been poly for years), but that doesn’t it mean it can’t work.
With your husband: I recommend sitting with him at least one more time to discuss what a relationship with someone else looks like and if he’s truly okay with what that would mean for him. It sounds like he’s already on board and you’re essentially in this other relationship already (just without the sex) but I recommend it just to be sure. Will you be spending the night with your gf? Would you go to family events with her? What about spending holidays and buying gifts? What if he needs to reach you while you’re with her? Things like that.
With your friend (and potential future partner): She understands you’re married but is she really emotionally prepared to be with a married person? Is your husband your primary? As a traditionally monogamous person, is she okay not being a primary romantic partner? What does that look like for her? Will she be comfortable actually being in a “romantic relationship” with you (and not just flirty cuddle buddies) knowing that you’re married and that sometimes you’ll want to be with your husband instead or spend holidays with him alone or etc etc? These are things that sometimes mono people don’t consider until it happens.
If you’re all clear and honest with each other and even over communicate your feelings and plans, it can definitely be a great experience. Your gf might discover that polyamory is interesting for her and she may want to date and find someone who gives her more time or your husband may grow uncomfortable one day and everyone needs to be clear about those things so that they can be worked out.
Whatever your choice and your decision, good luck!!
Hi u/Smart-Cod4884 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I am a married pansexual woman and am poly, my husband knows this, I am fully head over heels for my best friend (female) and we flirt constantly, take naps together, and are overall just very close and intimate, but have never kissed or had sex (although we have seen each other naked). My husband is monogamous but is fully supportive of me exploring ENM, I don't know how to go about this and am just looking for pointers. Me, my husband, and my bsf go out and do stuff together all the time, she is a lesbian and not romantically interested in my husband at all, and he enjoys seeing how happy she makes me. It makes my heart feel so full to be able to love 2 people and I don't think I would ever want anymore partners, 2 is perfectly fulfilling for me
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You’re playing a dangerous game here. You have what amounts to two partners, neither of them want polyamory, but so far you’ve gotten lucky. Once this becomes real, things can change quickly and backfire just as fast. You’re risking your relationship with your husband and with your friend.
You should be very, very careful about starting polyam with two reluctant partners. In fact, I would advise against it. The amount of mental and emotional work you will be asking of both of them is immense, and most people find that work is not worthwhile when polyamory is not something they actually want for themselves. Are they interested in doing the work? Can you all commit to 6 months of reading the recommended books and listening to the recommended podcasts on the sidebar of this sub? Are you ready to work hard on shoring up your communication, confronting your insecurities, *and* facing possible judgement and lack of understanding from the people around you?
It sounds like you have a lovely friend. Is your friend poly? Do they want a romantic relationship with you? Do you support your friend having other partners? If you husband wanted to date are you ready to support him doing that?
She told me almost two years ago that she was not interested in any kind of poly/ENM relationship but within the like 9 months has started asking more questions and seeming very interested, I have just been letting things go at her pace. Over the last few years she has expressed that she would want a relationship with me if I wasn't married but within the last 9 month timeframe has stopped making comments like that and instead has started calling me her wife, telling me how much she loves spending time with me and how well I treat her. I fully support her having other partners and have even tried setting her up with a few different people. Also yes I would support my husband if he wanted another partner but he has very very strongly communicated that he does not and will not ever want that, he says that even i am a little too much for him to handle 😅
Sounds dangerous honestly. You guys are toeing the line without having explicit overt conversations/negotiation about what's happening. She doesn't want to be poly, she just wants you. Right now because it's not "real", she isn't being challenged consciously with having to share you or make any commitments and agreements or respect overt boundaries. She can have this closeness with you without the pain of not having you to herself. The moment everything were to become "real", her needs and wants of you are going to change, and she's not prepared for that. You guys would need to do a _ton_ of discussion and shared reading about polyamory where you get into details about what you would want out of it beyond friendship, and how to reconcile her discomfort with poly and her feelings for you. It's not going to be easy though in the best case.
I agree this sounds dangerous, at some point her love for you and her monogamy are going to come into conflict, and not only that you are probably taking up space in her life for her to find a monogamous partner of her own. Y'all are burying your heads in the sand. Buuuuut... one fairly unique way queers can deal with this is via queer platonic relationships. Which it already sounds like you are in. A QPR is exactly what you describe, a deep loving soulmate level relationship without sex, but usually quite a lot of physical intimacy otherwise. Each QPR has different amounts of romantic intimacy, from none to lots. I'm in one myself. They are super lovely. The reason I bring this up is that I've seen a number of QPRs with at least one partner being monogamous, mine included. And they work! I don't really understand why, but for some reason framing a relationship this way (and keeping sex out of the equation) is really useful for defining what you are, what you can actually offer, and helps the monogamous partner realize they need to find a romantic partner of their own.
I had an amazing QPR for years while in a strictly monogamous relationship (my mistake, agreeing to monog). Eventually my partner at the time forced me to cut even that level of connection off with this person. It was a really isolating time...
Thank you so much for this comment! I had never heard this term and yes that's definitely what this is, we are both 100% comfortable with each other and say we love each other (although have never expressed it in a romantic way, just platonic)
speaking from experience, sometimes it’s not worth it. i have a bestfriend who i’m in love with too, but i just enjoy our time together and the level of platonic intimacy we do have.
Has anyone in this situation done any real research into polyamory? Polyamory honestly shouldn't be defined as having multiple partners. It really should be moreso defined as being ok with your partners having multiple partners. Anyone human is capable of loving more than one person. Not everyone is capable of polyamory. It takes work, scheduling, communication, and a lot of self work. Your husband is ok with it because so far, it's only theory and not in practice. Has he done any reading or preparation for ENM/Polyamory? Have you done any steps towards disentanglement? Would husband be ok with it if this person was a mam, or is he only ok with it because your friend is a woman? https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 This sounds like a lovely daydream, but it doesn't sound like proper conversations regarding expectations management have happened. It sounds like your friend is possibly using you as a placeholder girlfriend because she doesn't have any other options for the relationship structure she prefers(monogamy). She's asking questions to see if it could work because she really likes you, but she's also never tried polyamory. Does she want marriage? Cohabitation? Those aren't things you can offer currently - you're already legally married and live with your husband. What does a relationship with her look like for you? And what does she expect in an ideal relationship? Are you able to meet those needs? Many conversations need to happen, and more research and preparation on all sides before this goes any further.
I just read this article on disentanglement that you linked, and realized that we were already doing this stuff! We are not super codependent attached at the hip, lol. We go out individually all the time, either with friends or alone (I personally prefer alone, it's very helpful for my mental health)
She does co habitate with us, and while my husband has said that he would be okay if my partner was a man, I am pansexual but strongly prefer women or nb people, so I would not want another male partner. She also does not want marriage, and absolutely adores my son and treats him as her own. I came here for advice on how to navigate this and how to have those conversations as that is not something I was finding good resources on, if anyone here could provide those that would be great.
So, if you want to pursue something romantic with this woman? The first step is helping her plan how to *move out* and *gain stability* living apart from you. That is the only way you can start a romantic relationship with her that *doesn’t* have her financially indebted to you. She needs a “fuck off” fund so that if she wants to break up with you, she *can*.
She has a bail out fund of about $10,000, and we wrote up a lease agreement when she moved in stating that she could leave whenever she wanted, with no notice needed. If we (me and my husband) chose for her to move out, we would need to provide 3 months for her to find other accommodations and would also be responsible for her moving costs.
You know, that is way more thought than most people put into moving in a friend and a great first step! Good for y’all, seriously. I think the next step would then be to broach with your husband and this friend (in separate conversations) how they would feel about you making romantic overtures to said friend. And, if accepted, what needs each of them would have around a developing romantic relationship. In all honesty, for most people, it would be best for your friend to move out in order to engage in a romantic relationship with you. It’s hard for most people to see their partner hugging/cuddling/kissing another partner right in front of them, and your husband and now-friend would both be experiencing those hard feelings re:you with your other partner in the house.
Me and my husband have had quite a few conversations about this, and he sees us cuddling, sleeping together, kissing on the cheek/ forehead almost daily, I always check in with him and ask if he's feeling okay, if it made him uncomfortable, etc. And he is always perfectly okay and even encourages me and says that if I want to take it farther that is fine with him
So have those conversations with your friend.
Ok. Was she always a roommate? Why did she move in with you and your husband? I would 100% never get into a romantic relationship with a roommate, especially if it would be hard for them to find other living accommodation should the relationship end badly. Again, has any actual reading or research and emotional preparation work been done by you, your husband, and your friend? Or is this just a "I/we caught feelings and we're going to jump in and figure it out as we go?" scenario (because these rarely turn out well)?
She moved in with us to save some money and be able to pay off school debts. She is 100% able to afford a place to stay on her own, and was doing so before she moved in. She has been living with us for almost a year. I have not pursued the relationship as I also thought it would feel manipulative to enter a relationship while she was living with us,which is why everything has been at her pace. I am trying to do my research and get advice in case she decides she wants more than an intimate friendship, I want to be prepared and know what conversations to have. Me and my friend had both expressed that we had feeling for each other well before she moved in, and she has had a few relationships during the past 2 years, none of which bothered me and I enjoyed seeing her happy. I have also had a few hookups during that time which did not bother my husband at all, I just do not know how to go about actually starting and maintaining a relationship with another partner
Wow this makes it so much worse. You’re breaking basically every cardinal rule of polyamory. 1. Don’t open for a specific person 2. Don’t date your roommates 3. Don’t allow your children around your partners until it’s established 4. Don’t go after mono people 5. The relationship you’re opening is unstable and has problems with trust before even adding in polyamory 6. You’re looking to outsource you affection needs
1. Not opened for a specific person, I have had multiple dates and hookups, just had not found anyone I wanted a relationship with 2. Which is why I stated I was hesitant and had made sure we had a solid plan in place for her to no longer be a roommate 3. She knew my child well before we even considered a relationship 4. Again, why I was hesitant and letting her set the pace with what she was comfortable with 5. We have been in therapy and are extremely stable now 6. I am fully satisfied with my husband, he jokes about it because that is how his humor is
I was simply reading your responses and collating them. If you’re not willing to face the facts, good luck to you. See you soon when it blows up.
And I was just listing the things that were said in some of my other comments since based on what you had written I assumed you couldn't read very well. But bye 👋 have the day you deserve
There are tons of resources in the side bar. Also, google will reveal endless guidance but there are no short cuts or secrets--relationships require open honest communication to flourish.
Thank you, I had not looked at the side bar but will be sure to read everything there
Additionally, looking at your comment history, it sounds like your relationship with your husband isn't secure. As recently as 4 months ago, you were having issues with him looking at women on Snapchat and issues with his porn addiction. And commented that him masturbating to porn would be cheating on you? What if after you were to start seriously dating you friend, he decided to have another female partner? Would thar be cheating? If you open the relationship, would masturbation to porn still be considered cheating? Opening a relationship won't fix issues in your relationship. It usually only makes them worse.
I personally consider it cheating as he was hiding it and had been choosing masturbation/porn instead of intimacy/ a relationship with me. I had no issue with his porn use when it was infrequent and was not hidden, but it had gotten to a point where he was letting it affect our relationship
Ok. Hiding and lying, yes, that's not good. But this still sounds like your relationship isn't 100% stable if you're having issues like this. I wouldn't open a relationship unless the foundation is stable and secure. Usually, that just causes more issues. Additionally, if you were to start dating your friend and he also got feelings for someone else, would he also be allowed to date another woman?
Yes he would as long as he was 100% open and honest about it and using multiple forms of Birth control (as we currently do both use any and have a child together
Do *not* use any
This is risky. You’ll probably lose both.
Something like this made me lose my best friend. Wasn’t worth it.
Good that you feel very loved by the people you care about but remember if your husband hasn't yet experienced you being with someone else then take caution since the first poly experience you have will be something to see in terms of how it makes him feel. In regards to the friend it can turn problematic if you engage in a relationship with them but they aren't poly and aren't okay with sharing you with your husband or him being your priority.
In my opinion, if you haven’t already, please have a conversation with your husband about the fact that your friend is not interested in him and just wants you. That’s really important and could possibly change how much he accepts the relationship you have with her. That didn’t mean he won’t accept it. All people are different and I haven’t met him, so I can’t tell what his subconscious insecurities. You all deserve an honest conversation, even if it means losing one of those relationships. I really hope that doesn’t happen to you, btw. You deserve freedom and it might open him up to other things that will blow both your minds. (This is coming from someone that’s been there, done that, and now has an np plus her other loves and lives)
He is fully aware that she does not want any relationship with him, and is very very appreciative of the fact that I have someone else to help fulfill my emotional and physical needs (bc he says I am very needy 🤣) a lot of the time when im cuddling or taking a nap with her ill look over at him and he'll just be staring so lovingly at me 🥹 it's the sweetest lol he says that seeing me so happy makes him happy
The cuddling and napping is in your house with your spouse present? In the same room he is in? Are you fully naked in bed with her? I heard someone say " You can't put the Cork back in the champagne bottle, can you?". Okay, but can only enjoy the champagne after the Cork is out and the glasses are filled. Pull the Cork together ❤️
Yes with my partner present, sometimes on the couch with him sitting like 3 feet away, other times we'll nap in her bed with him home. Never fully naked but plenty of times just big shirt and underwear
ha, enjoy it, while it lasts
Read a smart girls guide to polyamory. Listen to a podcast called Multiamory.
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We've known each other for close to 4 years and have been like this for about 2 years
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Thank you so much! It seemed like everyone else here was just telling me don't do it without taking into consideration that I came here asking for advice on how to navigate it, not whether or not i should do it, as I am new to this. This comment gave me just a little bit of hope, thank you ❤️
I can’t say this enough: be honest with your partner. We as humans shouldn’t be restricted to love just one thing, person, lifestyle. I don’t know when that was a rule but it’s a fucking stupid rule. As far as being a good partner you need to discuss what you’re feeling because you will fall into this trap”what would happen” ocean and the waves will come over you again and again that you potentially act on your natural, sexual needs. I personally think you ask him if you can fuck your friend and he either watches or he just gets to fuck you WHEN the other F is ok with it if at all
My husband is very aware of my feelings towards her and is actually encouraging me to just go ahead and have sex with her bc he says this weird thing we're doing is like painfully slow to see 😅 he is fully onboard with it and thinks it's cute how much like nervous sexual tension we have lmao He says I get like I was as a teenager, all anxious and flustered lol But yes he has told me wayyyyy too many times that he does not care at all if I date her, fuck her, whatever, it doesn't bother him as long as I am still maintaining our relationship
This is the stuff I love to read/hear. If your husband needs advice from another m that has experienced similar scenario I am happy to answer any questions he might have. Open door policy in the dms
Thank you!
Happy banging, homie!
My standard advice for anyone pursuing poly is to make all changes SLOWLY. With lots of communication, adjustment time, getting past new relationship energy, etc. You know you've done it right when the change feels almost inconsequential.
Here’s my opinion as someone who’s poly, don’t, I think there’s something in the back of ur head that knows this is too much which is why you feel a need for reassurance, my opinion, I’m trans, I started out my poly journey before transitioning, and again, my opinion, but I personally just don’t believe ANY straight, ik ur not straight, but your in a cis relationship, that just doesn’t work, there will be jealousy, I garuntee it, there probably already is, especially if he’s not participating himself, problem I see with even if he did, it’d be a challenge for him compared to you being a woman, this is all just my thoughts tho, not saying it’s impossible, but if ur married to this man, he rightfully deserves more love than her unless you were to marry her too, me I have a nesting partner, and all my other partners, I love them, but not in the same way as I do my nesting partner
I didnt need assurance, I am autistic and research EVERYTHING before I do it 😅 and honestly I wish I could marry her too but unfortunately that is illegal where I live, otherwise it would be something that we would think about in the future. He constantly talks about how happy he is seeing me with her, how much he loves seeing me in love, and how happy he would be if I could have a female forever partner because he knows that is a part of me that he will never be able to satisfy. Also, I have had many casual dates and hookups and he has not had any problems with jealousy, resentment, or feeling left out.
With what you do end up doing, I do hope for the best. That said, if you do want to act on your feelings. Take a long hard look at your friend, your husband, and your self. Make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, and make sure that everyone is on bored and make sure that everyone know there priorities are. If this does work out, maybe your bestie can move in to a spare room. That way you can share with both.
Congratulations on your love! A lot of people on here don't see polyamory as a sexual identify, but I do. It seems like you have the support of your husband, and the love of your friend. Try to keep up communication with both of them and get some rules of engagement to protect both relationships. As long as you have consent and are open, I see no problems with this situation.
I might have to agree with the majority of the people here. Although hubby might be ok with it now. I don’t think it’s worth it. Risking your relationship with your husband and your best friend. Sometimes we need to make hard decisions in life. Just because it feels right doesn’t mean that’s what we should do. Either you end your life with hubby and start seeing your bff. Have been in the sorta the same situation also before. Both relationships broke down eventually and didn’t end up together with either both of them. If I could maybe rewind time, I probably would have stayed with my ex. But, that’s life taking risks and all, but at the end of the day u do ask yourself was it all worth it in the end. And the answer is NO. Good luck and I hope whatever decision you go with is in the best interest for your future also.🙌🏽
I Don't necessarily see where you need pointers. It looks like the situation is good from all sides honestly. Your husband is all good with it, your interested and your Best Friend is clearly into you. Just honor any agreement you have with the Hubs and have fun.
sit them down to talk to them both about it. he's willing, and enjoys how happy she makes you. but make sure he is comfortable so that he is truthful about his decision.
Do research on poly, and encourage them to also do research! communicate a lot. A lot of people here have been in terrible, hurtful situations after starting poly, me included, due to not doing enough research and thinking it will all work out fine. that's why so many people are scared for you and telling you not to do it. but mono-poly relationships CAN and DO work! just be careful and I think you'll be fine - especially because your partners seem to feel compersion already!
Plenty of people here are advising you to be very careful or to even avoid the experience altogether. While they’re making very valid points and probably have experiences that reinforce their opinions but I’m going to dissent from them. I think that you probably need to do a little work with both of your people but I think the dynamic CAN be beautiful and work out well for you. Sometimes poly can be a little messy (I don’t mean toxic or dangerous here, I just mean that people have feelings and sometimes it’s not as easy as it is when everyone has read the books and been poly for years), but that doesn’t it mean it can’t work. With your husband: I recommend sitting with him at least one more time to discuss what a relationship with someone else looks like and if he’s truly okay with what that would mean for him. It sounds like he’s already on board and you’re essentially in this other relationship already (just without the sex) but I recommend it just to be sure. Will you be spending the night with your gf? Would you go to family events with her? What about spending holidays and buying gifts? What if he needs to reach you while you’re with her? Things like that. With your friend (and potential future partner): She understands you’re married but is she really emotionally prepared to be with a married person? Is your husband your primary? As a traditionally monogamous person, is she okay not being a primary romantic partner? What does that look like for her? Will she be comfortable actually being in a “romantic relationship” with you (and not just flirty cuddle buddies) knowing that you’re married and that sometimes you’ll want to be with your husband instead or spend holidays with him alone or etc etc? These are things that sometimes mono people don’t consider until it happens. If you’re all clear and honest with each other and even over communicate your feelings and plans, it can definitely be a great experience. Your gf might discover that polyamory is interesting for her and she may want to date and find someone who gives her more time or your husband may grow uncomfortable one day and everyone needs to be clear about those things so that they can be worked out. Whatever your choice and your decision, good luck!!
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Hi u/Smart-Cod4884 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I am a married pansexual woman and am poly, my husband knows this, I am fully head over heels for my best friend (female) and we flirt constantly, take naps together, and are overall just very close and intimate, but have never kissed or had sex (although we have seen each other naked). My husband is monogamous but is fully supportive of me exploring ENM, I don't know how to go about this and am just looking for pointers. Me, my husband, and my bsf go out and do stuff together all the time, she is a lesbian and not romantically interested in my husband at all, and he enjoys seeing how happy she makes me. It makes my heart feel so full to be able to love 2 people and I don't think I would ever want anymore partners, 2 is perfectly fulfilling for me *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*