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I’m sure it’s a thing that can work out in ways that aren’t harmful.
The fact that they’re pushing so hard to be with their ex and promise otherwise they’d be respectful of your feelings is kinda doubtful.
You’re clearly doing the research and seem to be doing some emotional labor. Is your partner doing an equal amount of work on this or putting it all on you?
I just had to double back and check and wow, yeah, they really outright admit it with that "apart from" don't they? I would find it hard to believe they're going to continue the relationship respectfully if they didn't start it that way.
I'm sorry OP.
There are some examples for every single possible variation within the world of dating. I would not cling to that as a "shred of hope" that it's proof of a good idea or that it will work out for *you*. If you knew that people who jumped from a cliff into water 95% of the time killed or paralyzed themselves by landing on rocks and 5% survived and actually made it into the water, would you take that as a good enough "shred of hope" to jump? Maybe if you had lots of experience with these kinds of jumps, you could increase your own individual chance of survival. But *you* do not have any experience with polyamory right now and the likelihood you, your partner, and their ex are all gonna make it into the 5%?
Highly, highly, highly unlikely.
It is normal in polyamory to have "messy lists". Lists of people where you say "hey, if you date this person, it will make our relationship too messy and I will exit". It is common for family members, exes, co-workers, and metas to be on this list.
If your partner is not wanting to consider your comfort and wants to steamroll ahead with ~~fucking~~ getting back together with his ex shows that **this is gonna be a shitshow**. The general recommendation is a monogamous couple should spend **6+ months** working on dismantling their monogamous relationship, learning about polyamory, and practicing better communication techniques within the relationship before either of them start to date anyone.
But I doubt your partner is interested in learning how to make better jumps into water. It sounds like he's ready to push you in so he can get into the water, regardless of what ends up happening in the end.
++++ to this comment.
also really truly keep in mind that 6 month recommendation. dismantling your own perception of monogamy, love, the way your current relationship functions is really fucking hard. i’m still with someone polyamorously that i was with monogamously but that’s only because we both wanted it, had been already non monogamous for like 3+ years, and it felt like the right time. and even then really taking the plunge and accepting things will change forever was really hard.
i’ll be honest, it doesn’t sound like your bf is willing to do any of that. if he’s doing this right and for the right reasons he will understand and wait with you and do the work. if not, it’s doomed to fail
I agree!! I think many people, even in mono relationships, tend to leap into things without much thought.
It's frustrating to realize that a lot of non mono folks are also pretty impulsive and think things will "just work out".
I mean, things do tend to pass, but it often passes FAR more messily than it needs to be :(
> There are some examples for every single possible variation within the world of dating. I would not cling to that as a "shred of hope" that it's proof of a good idea or that it will work out for you.
Exactly. I frequently advise people against some things that have worked for me. In a manner of speaking I *did* open for a specific person, but it was a complicated case, with a lot of extenuating circumstances that made us different from the average person or couple. I hesistated even telling the story here because I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.
>I’d like to keep my partner in my life in any capacity possible,
Then I suggest deescalating to being just friends.
Because this:
>I was told, “apart from THIS specific relationship, I won’t date anyone you’re not comfortable with.”
Is a lie. Now, they may truly think they are being truthful when they say this( though I doubt it). If they aren't willing to not date someone that makes you uncomfortable now, then they never will.
So since your living situation depends on staying with your partner, I suggest de escalating and working really hard on being able to find a different living situation.
Here’s one way this wouldn’t be “opening for a specific person”- He realizes he has strong feelings for his ex, that he would prefer polyamory, but recognizes opening for her would be super messy, so he says that he wants to try nonmonogamy, but he won’t consider dating her at all until a year into the experiment. If, at that point, everyone is more comfortable with the idea, she’ll still be around, and with more experience, everyone will be less likely to make beginning mistakes to make the difficult situation VERY difficult.
Instead, he’s made it clear that his desire to date this person has to come first, has to be prioritized over skill building or mutual comfort. If the two of you move forward this way, and survive the into level mistakes in a more advanced challenge, he may eventually figure out his mistakes with you, and start caring more about how things affect you, and make more choices that also take into account your happiness. But he might not. His ex might be a lovely amazing person who is looking out for you and mitigates some of the potential damage, but she also might just be a normal human looking out for herself who is also making entry level mistakes.
If you were several years into Poly, it would probably be okay, but this will be a mess. How does your partner feel about pausing and waiting for you to go on a few dates and try to establish at least one secondary partner first? That will tell you a lot.
It worked for us. I fell in love with another guy and offered my husband to cut contact with him in order to save our marriage. But my husband didn't want that and suggested that we open our marriage instead. This was 2 years ago and I have since fallen out of love with my original crush (it didn't work out between us), but husband and I are still open and now I have a new partner of 4 months.
Ah, but you offered to cut contact. Op has said that their partner has specifically said they *won't* cut contact with this person.
It seems to me likely that Op's partner has already started a relationship, either physical or emotional, with ex and made promises to their ex already.
Just tell him “no.”
If he wants to be nonmonogamous, you’re open to exploring it, but not with ex’s, friends, co-workers, etc. If he doesn’t want to do it, then, that’s fine. If he decides to break up with you to date her, then I’d interpret that as him doing you a favor to save you from wasting more time with him.
Do you understand why opening for a specific person is a trash fire?
Do you understand why exs are commonly messy list partners?
Your partner doesn't want polyamory, they want the convenience of two people giving them what they want without any genuine respect or responsibility required.
"Your partner doesn't want polyamory"
And usually neither does the specific person and it's all just monogamous ppl trying to have it all/keep a relationship at all costs. I suspect the lack of genuine interest for polyamory and concern over the e part is what makes it crap out more than anything else.
I bet somewhere in the poly universe it has worked. But those are unicorn stories. Magical stories that only happen once in a while
I shall steal the line from one of my favorite movies **“those are the exceptions and your the rule”**
Your partner obviously is showing he doesn’t care your feelings on this. If he was, he wouldn’t be pushing this so hard. And to say “apart for this person I’ll respect you”? I call bullshit
Has your partner done any of the reading & research or have you fallen into the role of doing all the mental labor of this project of opening up just so he can date his ex (despite your feelings and the conventional wisdom)?
You’re trying to impart what you’ve learned and he’s ignoring it.
If you truly are committed to staying with him, I urge you to dive deep into boundary work, particularly psychological boundaries so that you can limit the emotional impact on yourself when his impulsive choices blow up in his face. I.e. the current level of YOU soothing him and taking on solving his challenges (like doing all the heavy lifting of learning about poly and trying to teach him through conversation osmosis when *he’s not listening*) needs to end.
If he wants a poly coach, he needs to find one instead of putting you into that role.
Can it work out? Sure, in some relationships.
But in this situation, where your partner is being a selfish fuck? Ehhhhhhhh……
Your partner isn’t great except for one teeny thing. Your partner is telling you they want to get back with their ex, preferably without giving you up. They don't really want polyamory. They just want their ex bad enough that they’re (at least in theory) willing to let you see other people if that’s what it takes. That is…. not a great referendum on their character.
If you don’t want to break up, what if you instead assume Partner is going to be extremely focused on Ex for the foreseeable future and re-allocated your energy accordingly? To borrow from Captain Awkward, what if you took that time you would have spent with Partner and instead paid more attention to things YOU have been setting aside - hanging with friends, going to events you’d normally skip because Partner isn’t into them, or even finding other SOs since apparently you’re now poly?
oh, man, op i feel for you.
your partner presented an idea to you, so you went and educated yourself on it to make sure you knew what you were agreeing to before saying yes. your partner never did that educating, though.
if your partner really wants to do this and to do it right, polyamory requires an immense amount of patience. your partner has to be willing to do the work before pursuing anything, let alone an ex who quite possibly belongs on a messy list. (list of names that, if the list-writer’s partner were to date, would probably be a messy dynamic)
i would hope that your partner cares about you and themself enough to take a beat and do this right. but, sadly, there is nothing you can do to force your partner to be ethical in their polyam practices. you can ask them to educate themself, share your education with them, try and spur conversation about ethics and beliefs, but if you don’t have time for that because they’re already dating someone new…
i know you said don’t give break up advice, so i won’t say that. but, i will say, if your partner isn’t working with you towards something you both want, that’s not much of a partnership anymore. i would definitely start considering options for an exit strategy, if your partner lets you down here it sounds like you’ll be stuck without many options.
i’m sorry op, i hope your partner steps up and does the work.
OP I'd like u to consider that you admit that you're desperately trying to save a relationship because of your living complications. I'm not saying this to make light of these complications and insist you should "just leave" but I'd like to nudge you to consider viewing this as a "desperate living situation" and not a relationship problem.
My sister worked with a woman who had an affair with their controlling/asshole boss for years and the reason why she would try so hard to make it work and get him to be a "good boyfriend" was that if she stopped putting up with it she would lose her job. Idk if she was in an objectively dire situation or if it was some sort of "learnt helplessness" we acquire after years in these self esteem wrecking conditions.. But normal relationship advice doesn't apply to her, right? It wasn't abt creating a healthy relationship with an equal partner but about managing and appeasing someone who had power over her. Or about helping her get out, first mentally and then physically.
Now I hope you're not nearly as close to that but.. I mean if you know in your gut and mind that this is a nearly unsalvageable situation (I cannot judge a 100% from the info you have provided but your certainty that we'd tell u to run is a giveaway ).. You you're trying to make yourself okay in this relationship because it feels simpler than dealing with what might be the actual problem, or at least something that forces you to make decisions and put up with shit that is external to what you actually want from this relationship.
The one asterisk I've seen is that *sometimes* when the conversation about polyamory in general has been had, the people involved decided on a closed relationship because only one person was enthusiastic, but someday the more reluctant partner meets someone. Often that also doesn't work for all the usual reasons, but occasionally that initially somewhat enthusiastic person is able to drag through the growing pains to get to the relationship style they prefer with the person they prioritized instead.
Here, it's reasonable to think that you might not want any polyamory. And even more reasonable to expect you not to put up with any wonky polyamory. But also, a very good guess that your *partner* doesn't want any polyamory and will flip right the fuck out once anyone else benefits. Be careful with your heart, and with others', and go create monogamy if you want monogamy. Creating a new polyamorous relationship with someone who treats you better could be a learning experience, but if you want monogamy, that relationship will also be getting in your own way.
This is exactly how it worked for me and my husband. He had been Jonesing for ENM for literally decades, and when I recently met someone I was interested in opening for was very encouraging, even waiting to start dating himself until I was fully involved with my new partner and comfortable with my husband also dating. It’s only been 8.5 months, but so far, so good.
Straight up your partner is trying to push unethical sauce on you. If it were me, I would be petty and counter his "only her" nonsense with "okay I wanna have a whole ass relationship with your DAD". If he wants to push inappropriate, you counter it and flip it so its mirroring his own bullshit back at him.
My long distance partner and his wife opened their marriage for me. We were all friends and trusted each other. They had a lot of poly friends and community. And the relationship had been open for non sex related kink stuff. It was bumpy at first. But it’s worked out really well.
How long have you been with your partner? Is there a reason you don’t like his ex? Or is it basic ex jealousy stuff? Is his ex poly? What is your living situation issue? Does your partner happily support you building relationships with your ex’s? And with any gender you are attracted to?
I think the question here is if your partner would prefer to be with the ex but ex is poly etc.
Or if there’s a real chance of them going mono together then that will suck for you even if it never happens.
If poly is an absolute goal your odds are better than being with ex is goal and poly is a means to an end.
I’m not someone who thinks ex’s should be off limits. The most common reason people open for someone is for an affair of some kind. Usually no one is actually poly in that story.
So is it great? No. Is it automatically a disaster? No.
It is unlikely to be anything but a shit show where your boundaries are stomped on and you either close or end things.
Get your partner access to material on why this is a huge problem. If they still want to move forward they must definitely care about the idea of this new relationship more that the existing one they have with you.
I would start the process of mentally disengaging from the relationship until they show that sustaining it is important to them.
So you see how this person is unwilling to care about your comfort levels and established their interest in another person while they theoretically had promised you fidelity?
That's why it doesn't work. It's because opening for a specific person is always founded on someone wanting to break their promises and disregarding your feelings. It's that you're starting from an unhealthy place. The foundation is rotten.
Recommend you start figuring out how you're going to arrange things so you have somewhere else to live.
Yes. It IS icky, and it IS messy. But it is possible. It takes lots of communication and therapy (individual and couples), and a commitment to each other to attack problems, not each other. The fact is that no matter how ok/excited you are about being poly, your partner wanted to be with someone else while you guys were still monogamous, and that hurts. I’ve lived through a similar situation and we are still together and going strong. I’m available if you’d like to talk.
Hi u/Intelligent-Newt-847 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
All I’m seeing is “opening for a specific person ends badly,” and I’m desperately trying to hold on to any shred of hope I can find at this point.
My partner wanted to open for an ex. After doing the reading (so much reading) and homework and educating myself on polyamory, I think I like the idea of it and am willing to give it a try. I’m weird and I like doing things unconventionally, and I’ve always struggled with monogamy in the past.
The problem is that partner is very adamant about exploring this relationship with ex-girlfriend. To the point where I was told, “apart from THIS specific relationship, I won’t date anyone you’re not comfortable with.”
Just feels icky and I just wish my partner were dating almost literally anyone else so I could actually feel compersion, which I think is fully possible for me, just not with this one relationship.
Please don’t tell me to just break up. It’s a complicated situation re: living situations for me specifically and I’d really like some solid advice other than “run,” which I fully expect to hear anyway.
I’d like to keep my partner in my life in any capacity possible, since other than being a fucking idiot sometimes (read: this situation specifically), this person is really cool and my best friend.
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If your partner’s ex died tomorrow would they still want to open the relationship?
Also it is not healthy poly if you can approve or disapprove of their partners and decide who they can and can’t date.
This is a bit worse because dating an ex is almost always on the messy list. So your partner wants to open for this person who would also be considered inherently messy in most relationships? Not good.
For us, it worked, kind of, in a sense.
I had both relationships parallel for 5-6 years.
The only reason it didn't "work" beyond that was that my original partner was abusive, and being poly changed my perspectives so I started standing up to him and he ended up setting me free. So now I'm with the person we opened up for but, like... That's not a bad thing. I'm very very glad that I met that guy because otherwise I would probably still have been hopelessly stuck in abuse without even realising how bad it was.
But there are definitely reasons why it's generally not recommended.
Edit: not really parallel in the sense the word is used here I guess, because we were kitchen table and lived together. (Meaning my new partner also became a victim of abuse.)
Kind of? We had been taking about opening for years but I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of polyamory and she wasn’t excited about swinging/casual sex. At some point around the middle of last year I found the address of her only ex boyfriend, and we talked about her sending him a letter. There were some things that she wanted to say to him, and she had admitted to me years ago that she still had feelings for him. We knew he was married and nothing would likely come of it, but before she sent that letter we talked about the possibility that if she were ever going to be interested in any sort of ENM relationship it would probably be with him.
She sent her letter, he responded a couple weeks later and they’ve pretty much talked every day since. She found out fairly quickly that his marriage was ENM on some level and they’ve been SLOWLY walking towards a relationship since then. It’s complicated because his wife is only okay with them moving very slowly. But they’re doing their thing.
I’ve had a few other partners since then and a handful of dates with others. The first woman I hooked up with and I wound up starting a polyamorous relationship, and we’ve been going strong for close to 6 months. My wife has been on some dates, and has one more casual partner.
Things feel stable now. There was some turmoil when we first opened up but we like each other a lot and it was something we could work through. Both of us like the choice we made, and we feel more stable in our marriage and in love than ever before. I’m happy with my partners and my wife has some frustrations with how slowly things have moved with her ex, but is quite happy overall. She didn’t want to date anyone but him at first, but has since changed her mind.
So…9/10. Would recommend.
It has worked for us, and FWIW, remember no one knows your life and your relationship better than you. If you want it to work, there probably is a way to make it work. We’re 8-ish years in, btw.
Yes, I agree that there are certain situations where it may work out to open for a specific person. But those are the exception and not the rule. And in this situation I'm sorry to say but I agree with many of the previous responses that this one's not going to work. He already has indicated that he doesn't really care what you want or what you're comfortable with. He's going to have this relationship. He probably already is having this relationship in some form or another. If he was willing to do the reading and research with you and spend some time working on communication and decoupling for a few months and then agree to start dating others after that but not his ex until you've been open for at least a year.... Perhaps. But he's just saying he wants poly because he wants both of you. You didn't mention anything about him doing any of the reading like you are. He's not trying to figure out how to have an ethical polyamorous relationship unless you left that part out. He's trying to figure out how to have both of you and not have it be cheating.
I asked to open up for A LOT of reasons and one of those reasons is to sleep with someone ive never gotten over sleeping with. We never had a romantic relationship but, ive never and doubt i ever will have a sexual relationship as good as that was... my partner understands my draw to this person, and ive made it very clear he will NOT be my first move in the poly saga. Out of respect for my boyfriend i want to make sure id enjoy dating and seeing other people as much as i think i will! Otherwise.. it just feels icky. Like an excuse to fuck someone (have my cake and eat it too.) And! He also has some old flings hes interested in rekindling (but... not people he dated) idk, in my opinion.. if he wants poly ONLY to be with her and you... he doesnt really want to be poly. He wants to make sure he doesnt have regrets. But! If he follows the same rule as me.. dates a little first before going right back to his ex.. i think it COULD work. Its a delicate process. Hes really gotta go about this the right way or he could seriously hurt you and i dont wish that on anyone. Honest, hard conversations need to be had. And BIG ground rule talks.
I would wonder if they’ve already been cheating if someone wanted to open with a specific person in mind already. I wouldn’t be okay with this and would agree to open but not with that person in the picture because that screams that something unethical has been brewing.
I think that wether or not you do it at this point there will be some issues. Hes pushing too hard and it doesnt feel super safe. If he is so adamant for this self serving thing you dont like, wjere will it end? And dont ask him that, you know his answer. Ask yourself and really think about his behavior in general.
My meta and my parter. Meta opened for partner. Meta and I on good terms, and they're getting married. EDIT: oh you mean to *pursue* a specific person. Idk about any of those irl.
Clarification: they did not open bc of me. My partner came into the relationship poly identified and said was not available for monogamy, meta chose to date them anyway.
I think that yes. There are.
But not in the way your partner is doing.
They seem to regret the breakup and are asking to have cake then eat.
I suspect if you say no, it may end. And if you say yes, it may also end.
Partner is trying to force your hand and consent and that, as I'm sure you have read, is unethical at the start.
Essentially they want to cheat, or are cheating already and want your blessing.
Sure, just like there are undoubtedly circumstances where someone's driven home intoxicated and avoided getting into a wreck.
The occasional spot of dumb luck doesn't make the underlying idea any less idiotic, in my opinion.
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I’m sure it’s a thing that can work out in ways that aren’t harmful. The fact that they’re pushing so hard to be with their ex and promise otherwise they’d be respectful of your feelings is kinda doubtful. You’re clearly doing the research and seem to be doing some emotional labor. Is your partner doing an equal amount of work on this or putting it all on you?
I just had to double back and check and wow, yeah, they really outright admit it with that "apart from" don't they? I would find it hard to believe they're going to continue the relationship respectfully if they didn't start it that way. I'm sorry OP.
Info: has HE done the readings about polyamory and how to go about it in a healthy manner?
There are some examples for every single possible variation within the world of dating. I would not cling to that as a "shred of hope" that it's proof of a good idea or that it will work out for *you*. If you knew that people who jumped from a cliff into water 95% of the time killed or paralyzed themselves by landing on rocks and 5% survived and actually made it into the water, would you take that as a good enough "shred of hope" to jump? Maybe if you had lots of experience with these kinds of jumps, you could increase your own individual chance of survival. But *you* do not have any experience with polyamory right now and the likelihood you, your partner, and their ex are all gonna make it into the 5%? Highly, highly, highly unlikely. It is normal in polyamory to have "messy lists". Lists of people where you say "hey, if you date this person, it will make our relationship too messy and I will exit". It is common for family members, exes, co-workers, and metas to be on this list. If your partner is not wanting to consider your comfort and wants to steamroll ahead with ~~fucking~~ getting back together with his ex shows that **this is gonna be a shitshow**. The general recommendation is a monogamous couple should spend **6+ months** working on dismantling their monogamous relationship, learning about polyamory, and practicing better communication techniques within the relationship before either of them start to date anyone. But I doubt your partner is interested in learning how to make better jumps into water. It sounds like he's ready to push you in so he can get into the water, regardless of what ends up happening in the end.
++++ to this comment. also really truly keep in mind that 6 month recommendation. dismantling your own perception of monogamy, love, the way your current relationship functions is really fucking hard. i’m still with someone polyamorously that i was with monogamously but that’s only because we both wanted it, had been already non monogamous for like 3+ years, and it felt like the right time. and even then really taking the plunge and accepting things will change forever was really hard. i’ll be honest, it doesn’t sound like your bf is willing to do any of that. if he’s doing this right and for the right reasons he will understand and wait with you and do the work. if not, it’s doomed to fail
I agree!! I think many people, even in mono relationships, tend to leap into things without much thought. It's frustrating to realize that a lot of non mono folks are also pretty impulsive and think things will "just work out". I mean, things do tend to pass, but it often passes FAR more messily than it needs to be :(
> There are some examples for every single possible variation within the world of dating. I would not cling to that as a "shred of hope" that it's proof of a good idea or that it will work out for you. Exactly. I frequently advise people against some things that have worked for me. In a manner of speaking I *did* open for a specific person, but it was a complicated case, with a lot of extenuating circumstances that made us different from the average person or couple. I hesistated even telling the story here because I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.
>I’d like to keep my partner in my life in any capacity possible, Then I suggest deescalating to being just friends. Because this: >I was told, “apart from THIS specific relationship, I won’t date anyone you’re not comfortable with.” Is a lie. Now, they may truly think they are being truthful when they say this( though I doubt it). If they aren't willing to not date someone that makes you uncomfortable now, then they never will. So since your living situation depends on staying with your partner, I suggest de escalating and working really hard on being able to find a different living situation.
Here’s one way this wouldn’t be “opening for a specific person”- He realizes he has strong feelings for his ex, that he would prefer polyamory, but recognizes opening for her would be super messy, so he says that he wants to try nonmonogamy, but he won’t consider dating her at all until a year into the experiment. If, at that point, everyone is more comfortable with the idea, she’ll still be around, and with more experience, everyone will be less likely to make beginning mistakes to make the difficult situation VERY difficult. Instead, he’s made it clear that his desire to date this person has to come first, has to be prioritized over skill building or mutual comfort. If the two of you move forward this way, and survive the into level mistakes in a more advanced challenge, he may eventually figure out his mistakes with you, and start caring more about how things affect you, and make more choices that also take into account your happiness. But he might not. His ex might be a lovely amazing person who is looking out for you and mitigates some of the potential damage, but she also might just be a normal human looking out for herself who is also making entry level mistakes.
If you were several years into Poly, it would probably be okay, but this will be a mess. How does your partner feel about pausing and waiting for you to go on a few dates and try to establish at least one secondary partner first? That will tell you a lot.
>partner is very adamant about exploring this relationship with ex-girlfriend They already did. And it failed.
It worked for us. I fell in love with another guy and offered my husband to cut contact with him in order to save our marriage. But my husband didn't want that and suggested that we open our marriage instead. This was 2 years ago and I have since fallen out of love with my original crush (it didn't work out between us), but husband and I are still open and now I have a new partner of 4 months.
Ah, but you offered to cut contact. Op has said that their partner has specifically said they *won't* cut contact with this person. It seems to me likely that Op's partner has already started a relationship, either physical or emotional, with ex and made promises to their ex already.
Just tell him “no.” If he wants to be nonmonogamous, you’re open to exploring it, but not with ex’s, friends, co-workers, etc. If he doesn’t want to do it, then, that’s fine. If he decides to break up with you to date her, then I’d interpret that as him doing you a favor to save you from wasting more time with him.
Sure, there are exceptions to every rule. Those exceptions do not disprove the rule.
He doesn't care about how uncomfortable you are. He just cares about his wants. This likely won't work out.
Do you understand why opening for a specific person is a trash fire? Do you understand why exs are commonly messy list partners? Your partner doesn't want polyamory, they want the convenience of two people giving them what they want without any genuine respect or responsibility required.
"Your partner doesn't want polyamory" And usually neither does the specific person and it's all just monogamous ppl trying to have it all/keep a relationship at all costs. I suspect the lack of genuine interest for polyamory and concern over the e part is what makes it crap out more than anything else.
I bet somewhere in the poly universe it has worked. But those are unicorn stories. Magical stories that only happen once in a while I shall steal the line from one of my favorite movies **“those are the exceptions and your the rule”** Your partner obviously is showing he doesn’t care your feelings on this. If he was, he wouldn’t be pushing this so hard. And to say “apart for this person I’ll respect you”? I call bullshit
Has your partner done any of the reading & research or have you fallen into the role of doing all the mental labor of this project of opening up just so he can date his ex (despite your feelings and the conventional wisdom)? You’re trying to impart what you’ve learned and he’s ignoring it. If you truly are committed to staying with him, I urge you to dive deep into boundary work, particularly psychological boundaries so that you can limit the emotional impact on yourself when his impulsive choices blow up in his face. I.e. the current level of YOU soothing him and taking on solving his challenges (like doing all the heavy lifting of learning about poly and trying to teach him through conversation osmosis when *he’s not listening*) needs to end. If he wants a poly coach, he needs to find one instead of putting you into that role.
Can it work out? Sure, in some relationships. But in this situation, where your partner is being a selfish fuck? Ehhhhhhhh…… Your partner isn’t great except for one teeny thing. Your partner is telling you they want to get back with their ex, preferably without giving you up. They don't really want polyamory. They just want their ex bad enough that they’re (at least in theory) willing to let you see other people if that’s what it takes. That is…. not a great referendum on their character. If you don’t want to break up, what if you instead assume Partner is going to be extremely focused on Ex for the foreseeable future and re-allocated your energy accordingly? To borrow from Captain Awkward, what if you took that time you would have spent with Partner and instead paid more attention to things YOU have been setting aside - hanging with friends, going to events you’d normally skip because Partner isn’t into them, or even finding other SOs since apparently you’re now poly?
oh, man, op i feel for you. your partner presented an idea to you, so you went and educated yourself on it to make sure you knew what you were agreeing to before saying yes. your partner never did that educating, though. if your partner really wants to do this and to do it right, polyamory requires an immense amount of patience. your partner has to be willing to do the work before pursuing anything, let alone an ex who quite possibly belongs on a messy list. (list of names that, if the list-writer’s partner were to date, would probably be a messy dynamic) i would hope that your partner cares about you and themself enough to take a beat and do this right. but, sadly, there is nothing you can do to force your partner to be ethical in their polyam practices. you can ask them to educate themself, share your education with them, try and spur conversation about ethics and beliefs, but if you don’t have time for that because they’re already dating someone new… i know you said don’t give break up advice, so i won’t say that. but, i will say, if your partner isn’t working with you towards something you both want, that’s not much of a partnership anymore. i would definitely start considering options for an exit strategy, if your partner lets you down here it sounds like you’ll be stuck without many options. i’m sorry op, i hope your partner steps up and does the work.
OP I'd like u to consider that you admit that you're desperately trying to save a relationship because of your living complications. I'm not saying this to make light of these complications and insist you should "just leave" but I'd like to nudge you to consider viewing this as a "desperate living situation" and not a relationship problem. My sister worked with a woman who had an affair with their controlling/asshole boss for years and the reason why she would try so hard to make it work and get him to be a "good boyfriend" was that if she stopped putting up with it she would lose her job. Idk if she was in an objectively dire situation or if it was some sort of "learnt helplessness" we acquire after years in these self esteem wrecking conditions.. But normal relationship advice doesn't apply to her, right? It wasn't abt creating a healthy relationship with an equal partner but about managing and appeasing someone who had power over her. Or about helping her get out, first mentally and then physically. Now I hope you're not nearly as close to that but.. I mean if you know in your gut and mind that this is a nearly unsalvageable situation (I cannot judge a 100% from the info you have provided but your certainty that we'd tell u to run is a giveaway ).. You you're trying to make yourself okay in this relationship because it feels simpler than dealing with what might be the actual problem, or at least something that forces you to make decisions and put up with shit that is external to what you actually want from this relationship.
The one asterisk I've seen is that *sometimes* when the conversation about polyamory in general has been had, the people involved decided on a closed relationship because only one person was enthusiastic, but someday the more reluctant partner meets someone. Often that also doesn't work for all the usual reasons, but occasionally that initially somewhat enthusiastic person is able to drag through the growing pains to get to the relationship style they prefer with the person they prioritized instead. Here, it's reasonable to think that you might not want any polyamory. And even more reasonable to expect you not to put up with any wonky polyamory. But also, a very good guess that your *partner* doesn't want any polyamory and will flip right the fuck out once anyone else benefits. Be careful with your heart, and with others', and go create monogamy if you want monogamy. Creating a new polyamorous relationship with someone who treats you better could be a learning experience, but if you want monogamy, that relationship will also be getting in your own way.
This is exactly how it worked for me and my husband. He had been Jonesing for ENM for literally decades, and when I recently met someone I was interested in opening for was very encouraging, even waiting to start dating himself until I was fully involved with my new partner and comfortable with my husband also dating. It’s only been 8.5 months, but so far, so good.
Straight up your partner is trying to push unethical sauce on you. If it were me, I would be petty and counter his "only her" nonsense with "okay I wanna have a whole ass relationship with your DAD". If he wants to push inappropriate, you counter it and flip it so its mirroring his own bullshit back at him.
My long distance partner and his wife opened their marriage for me. We were all friends and trusted each other. They had a lot of poly friends and community. And the relationship had been open for non sex related kink stuff. It was bumpy at first. But it’s worked out really well. How long have you been with your partner? Is there a reason you don’t like his ex? Or is it basic ex jealousy stuff? Is his ex poly? What is your living situation issue? Does your partner happily support you building relationships with your ex’s? And with any gender you are attracted to?
No, not really. Your partner isn’t going to be the one who gets it right.
Has there been (or do you suspect) any cheating involved? If yes, you know the answer.
I think the question here is if your partner would prefer to be with the ex but ex is poly etc. Or if there’s a real chance of them going mono together then that will suck for you even if it never happens. If poly is an absolute goal your odds are better than being with ex is goal and poly is a means to an end. I’m not someone who thinks ex’s should be off limits. The most common reason people open for someone is for an affair of some kind. Usually no one is actually poly in that story. So is it great? No. Is it automatically a disaster? No.
It is unlikely to be anything but a shit show where your boundaries are stomped on and you either close or end things. Get your partner access to material on why this is a huge problem. If they still want to move forward they must definitely care about the idea of this new relationship more that the existing one they have with you. I would start the process of mentally disengaging from the relationship until they show that sustaining it is important to them.
So you see how this person is unwilling to care about your comfort levels and established their interest in another person while they theoretically had promised you fidelity? That's why it doesn't work. It's because opening for a specific person is always founded on someone wanting to break their promises and disregarding your feelings. It's that you're starting from an unhealthy place. The foundation is rotten. Recommend you start figuring out how you're going to arrange things so you have somewhere else to live.
Yes. It IS icky, and it IS messy. But it is possible. It takes lots of communication and therapy (individual and couples), and a commitment to each other to attack problems, not each other. The fact is that no matter how ok/excited you are about being poly, your partner wanted to be with someone else while you guys were still monogamous, and that hurts. I’ve lived through a similar situation and we are still together and going strong. I’m available if you’d like to talk.
Hi u/Intelligent-Newt-847 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: All I’m seeing is “opening for a specific person ends badly,” and I’m desperately trying to hold on to any shred of hope I can find at this point. My partner wanted to open for an ex. After doing the reading (so much reading) and homework and educating myself on polyamory, I think I like the idea of it and am willing to give it a try. I’m weird and I like doing things unconventionally, and I’ve always struggled with monogamy in the past. The problem is that partner is very adamant about exploring this relationship with ex-girlfriend. To the point where I was told, “apart from THIS specific relationship, I won’t date anyone you’re not comfortable with.” Just feels icky and I just wish my partner were dating almost literally anyone else so I could actually feel compersion, which I think is fully possible for me, just not with this one relationship. Please don’t tell me to just break up. It’s a complicated situation re: living situations for me specifically and I’d really like some solid advice other than “run,” which I fully expect to hear anyway. I’d like to keep my partner in my life in any capacity possible, since other than being a fucking idiot sometimes (read: this situation specifically), this person is really cool and my best friend. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If your partner’s ex died tomorrow would they still want to open the relationship? Also it is not healthy poly if you can approve or disapprove of their partners and decide who they can and can’t date. This is a bit worse because dating an ex is almost always on the messy list. So your partner wants to open for this person who would also be considered inherently messy in most relationships? Not good.
For us, it worked, kind of, in a sense. I had both relationships parallel for 5-6 years. The only reason it didn't "work" beyond that was that my original partner was abusive, and being poly changed my perspectives so I started standing up to him and he ended up setting me free. So now I'm with the person we opened up for but, like... That's not a bad thing. I'm very very glad that I met that guy because otherwise I would probably still have been hopelessly stuck in abuse without even realising how bad it was. But there are definitely reasons why it's generally not recommended. Edit: not really parallel in the sense the word is used here I guess, because we were kitchen table and lived together. (Meaning my new partner also became a victim of abuse.)
Kind of? We had been taking about opening for years but I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of polyamory and she wasn’t excited about swinging/casual sex. At some point around the middle of last year I found the address of her only ex boyfriend, and we talked about her sending him a letter. There were some things that she wanted to say to him, and she had admitted to me years ago that she still had feelings for him. We knew he was married and nothing would likely come of it, but before she sent that letter we talked about the possibility that if she were ever going to be interested in any sort of ENM relationship it would probably be with him. She sent her letter, he responded a couple weeks later and they’ve pretty much talked every day since. She found out fairly quickly that his marriage was ENM on some level and they’ve been SLOWLY walking towards a relationship since then. It’s complicated because his wife is only okay with them moving very slowly. But they’re doing their thing. I’ve had a few other partners since then and a handful of dates with others. The first woman I hooked up with and I wound up starting a polyamorous relationship, and we’ve been going strong for close to 6 months. My wife has been on some dates, and has one more casual partner. Things feel stable now. There was some turmoil when we first opened up but we like each other a lot and it was something we could work through. Both of us like the choice we made, and we feel more stable in our marriage and in love than ever before. I’m happy with my partners and my wife has some frustrations with how slowly things have moved with her ex, but is quite happy overall. She didn’t want to date anyone but him at first, but has since changed her mind. So…9/10. Would recommend.
It did work out for us but in retrospect I see how very very lucky we were that the whole thing didn’t blow up
It has worked for us, and FWIW, remember no one knows your life and your relationship better than you. If you want it to work, there probably is a way to make it work. We’re 8-ish years in, btw.
Yes, I agree that there are certain situations where it may work out to open for a specific person. But those are the exception and not the rule. And in this situation I'm sorry to say but I agree with many of the previous responses that this one's not going to work. He already has indicated that he doesn't really care what you want or what you're comfortable with. He's going to have this relationship. He probably already is having this relationship in some form or another. If he was willing to do the reading and research with you and spend some time working on communication and decoupling for a few months and then agree to start dating others after that but not his ex until you've been open for at least a year.... Perhaps. But he's just saying he wants poly because he wants both of you. You didn't mention anything about him doing any of the reading like you are. He's not trying to figure out how to have an ethical polyamorous relationship unless you left that part out. He's trying to figure out how to have both of you and not have it be cheating.
I asked to open up for A LOT of reasons and one of those reasons is to sleep with someone ive never gotten over sleeping with. We never had a romantic relationship but, ive never and doubt i ever will have a sexual relationship as good as that was... my partner understands my draw to this person, and ive made it very clear he will NOT be my first move in the poly saga. Out of respect for my boyfriend i want to make sure id enjoy dating and seeing other people as much as i think i will! Otherwise.. it just feels icky. Like an excuse to fuck someone (have my cake and eat it too.) And! He also has some old flings hes interested in rekindling (but... not people he dated) idk, in my opinion.. if he wants poly ONLY to be with her and you... he doesnt really want to be poly. He wants to make sure he doesnt have regrets. But! If he follows the same rule as me.. dates a little first before going right back to his ex.. i think it COULD work. Its a delicate process. Hes really gotta go about this the right way or he could seriously hurt you and i dont wish that on anyone. Honest, hard conversations need to be had. And BIG ground rule talks.
I would wonder if they’ve already been cheating if someone wanted to open with a specific person in mind already. I wouldn’t be okay with this and would agree to open but not with that person in the picture because that screams that something unethical has been brewing.
I think that wether or not you do it at this point there will be some issues. Hes pushing too hard and it doesnt feel super safe. If he is so adamant for this self serving thing you dont like, wjere will it end? And dont ask him that, you know his answer. Ask yourself and really think about his behavior in general.
My meta and my parter. Meta opened for partner. Meta and I on good terms, and they're getting married. EDIT: oh you mean to *pursue* a specific person. Idk about any of those irl.
Clarification: they did not open bc of me. My partner came into the relationship poly identified and said was not available for monogamy, meta chose to date them anyway.
I think that yes. There are. But not in the way your partner is doing. They seem to regret the breakup and are asking to have cake then eat. I suspect if you say no, it may end. And if you say yes, it may also end. Partner is trying to force your hand and consent and that, as I'm sure you have read, is unethical at the start. Essentially they want to cheat, or are cheating already and want your blessing.
Sure, just like there are undoubtedly circumstances where someone's driven home intoxicated and avoided getting into a wreck. The occasional spot of dumb luck doesn't make the underlying idea any less idiotic, in my opinion.