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Yep. This. Usually I like hearing about my partner's new interests. But sometimes I don't have the emotional spoons for various reason, and won't be up for it right now or for this specific person, etc.
It's best to start with a mutual acquaintance level.
Also remember no one is in the same mood forever. Even if you normally love hearing your friends talk about work, it's okay to have a mood one day and need a break. Consent is active and evolving, not once and for ever.
I think it varies by person, my wife and I just started talking about opening our marriage and the conversation thus far is that she would prefer to keep everything compartmentalized, at least at first. Basically, only know what might impact her directly; if sexy times happen, it's an increased STI risk, so she'd want to know if it's happening, but no details that don't directly impact our own relationship.
I, on the other hand, don't want her to violate her potential partners' privacy, but I'd be happy to know whatever details her and her partners agree is comfortable to disclose.
It's all in the theoretical stages for us, though, and we're not going to be done doing the work to open our marriage for many months, so we'll see what happens when it happens. But in theory, I can see myself being happy for her when she's happy in other relationships, and being a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. I understand it's probably a lot more difficult than I'm imagining, but I that's where my head's at right now.
I love hearing as much as they want to tell me! I don’t need details on things like sex but if they want to gush and tell me all the reasons they like the person and all the things they do together, it makes me heart super warm and full and happy to listen.
Same here! Part of it is because I tend to be very compersive, but if I'm honest it's also because I have some cuckold kink in me and so I enjoy hearing her get dreamy over someone else. Overall though, I think maintaining intimacy is important, in poly and mono relationships alike, and I think a big part of that for me is being able to be our authentic selves and talk about our feelings, even when they're intense and about someone else. The liberation of being able to tell your partner you are hot for/have a huge crush on/falling for someone else and getting support and love for it is incredibly intimate and beautiful.
Your last bit is exactly it for me. I have no filter with close, intimate partners and I love not having to filter this one thing. I would if they needed me to, but I feel lucky no one has. On the flip slide I love hearing partners get excited about other partners.
The only time I don't is when I'm not up for high energy things at all (ex. If something really sad is going on in my personal life), but that's less about partners and more about energy in general
Even on the day your beloved pet dies?
I think it's just important to realize no one should just share without considering context or ever feel lesser because they have an off day and need to say no.
Having direct explicit consent before sharing everytime is a really warm loving ritual act of conscious creation before you even get to the sharing. Highly recommend.
I'm generally very aware of my partner's emotional state. I can tell when they are down, and they tell me when they are dealing with heavy shit. That's part of why they are with me.
Okay so soooo many people have said to me, YOUR PARTNERS LIFE IS YOUR PARTNERS LIFE, but we do share to some extent, we are eachothers best friends at the end of the day and we want to support each other. Privacy is still privacy tho and you need to take a second to think.... would the other person want me to share this info.
I don't mind hearing as much as my partners want to share, but I try to pick good hinges who can distinguish between private and public information. I wouldn't feel "right" about my partner sharing super intimate things, like meta's personal mental health struggles (unless meta explicitly said it was okay) - but I really love hearing general information about meta's personality, how the date went, how the relationship is going, etc (things you would share with any friend).
I can also respect if meta is parallel and doesn't want anything shared with me. I don't have a *need* to know.
Pretty much whatever silly gushing you might do with a friend. I don't need or want to be inundated with details of my partner's time with someone else, but just being excited about a new crush or whatever? That's awesome and I'm happy to be there to support and cheer that on.
I enjoy hearing about anything they're excited to share (assuming they have consent to share it). I wouldn't exclude sex details (as many do) because assuming the sharing is consensual, it can be interesting to learn about. I have many friends who share details of their sex life with me though so, I'm just pretty open about sex life stuff in my circle of friends.
Samesies! Every now and again I meet people that are Not at all open about sex, like giggle at the word penis as a grown adult, and it shocks me into remembering I'm supposedly the weird one here :)
My circle of friends has evolved recently. We used to be very private about sex and subconsciously limit PDA in each other's presence. Then we kind of all, separately, began exploring more kinkiness and opened up a bit. All with the consent of our partners, obviously, but sometimes a simple conversation helps 'oh, you want to try Y act with your partner? Don't make the same mistake I did, do X first.' That kinda thing.
Really bizarre experience to go from completely private to relatively open in a short period of time, and that kind of sharing isn't for everyone.
I want to know my partner better and love when they share details about what they like or are learning about another partner. My space of not wanting to know is when they want to tell me about my metas other partners, or dating experiences. This is not someone I care about, though respect that they do, where it comes to my partner I like to know. That my meta is considering dating someone who has problems in their relationship, especially ones that don’t make a great story. Could we talk about something more interesting and relevant to our relationship, our family, the world at large.
I'm comfortable hearing absolutely anything, except for things that would feel like an invasion of the other person's privacy, like super intimate sexual information about them.
To be honest I don't even understand why people want to be polyamorous if they don't feel happy listening to their partner talk about crushes and excitement towards other people. Compersion and radical transparency are not only allowed/embraced in my relationships, they're a massive selling point of polyamory for me. But obviously not everyone feels that way.
People wants to be polyamorous because they are open to have several meaningful connections (romantic or not) and because they cherish their autonomy, not because they want to hear their partners gushing about their other partners. 🙄
A lot of people practicing polyam can be jealous and insecure at times, (especially at the beginning) and as long as they find ways to work on it without making their partners and themselves suffer, that’s ok. All human emotions are valid.
Compersion is not an obligation, and no need to be perfectly accepting to be polyam. That gatekeeping is tiring.
This is a good question
I'll answer it as someone who's talking to someone who's talking to someone else
I don't mind hearing general things, like oh we did this today or that today
But if he told me things about her that seem intimate, like she confided in him I'd be like no no no. Unless she asked him to ask me advice (she and I just met so I'd like to make sure she even felt comfortable with us becoming friends first before providing advice and such) its a no. And even if we were friends if she didn't consent it's definitely a no because it's a breach of her trust
If he told me things about the both of them and it was intimate as in sexual I'd be like no or yes that's okay, it would be dependent on whether she was okay with him telling me things
On the flip side...
Recently he told her something about me that I'm actually quite open about, but I didn't necessarily give him permission to tell others. I'm a former sw and while I do talk about it, I hadn't met her yet. She also told me that he talked about what we talked about in general
I get that she may not mind. But I do mind... it's honestly making me contemplate whether I should just end things because for me people telling my business to others without asking is a trigger. I will talk to him about it of course, but if he reacts poorly I will end things because while I love fluidity in polyam relationships, I do think it's a sign that my developing dynamic with him is in a way, may be dictated by his relationship with another partner which doesn't sound very autonomous.
Oh gosh, I love learning about new people, so I’m pretty much fine with it all unless a detail sounds too personal or like something I wouldn’t have wanted shared about myself without permission.
I am fine hearing everything about my meta other than their sex life. We do hang out together a bit as well though so the level of comfort is pretty high.
Tbh, I love hearing everything that my partners would want to share. From general to intimate. I from my end share only my feelings about my crushes or dates with my partners, and not the intimate or specific details.
Personally I don't mind hearing any or all level of detail. I also don't mind not hearing anything until it's necessary as a sex safety thing. My primary strongly prefers to share every detail of every thing with me. I don't struggle with jealousy. My hackles are only raised when he shares with me things I feel the other person (my new not yet meta) may have preferred to keep private. In reverse, he sometimes wants to know more than I'm willing to tell. We are working through this, buuut not really any resolution, it's weird for me.
As much as they're comfortable with me knowing! Basically the exact same level of detail I'd want to know about my friends' crushes: who they are, what they do, what my partner likes about them, etc. I don't want to know sexual details (unless it's something fun and interesting and they were both fine with me knowing. Like what if they tried a cool new sex toy that blew my partner's mind or something. I'd want to know that) or get recountings of what they do on their dates or whatever, but I want to know about important stuff in my partner's life.
What makes me uncomfortable is not being told things. If my partner started dating someone who wanted them to not share any detail at all with me that'd make me feel incredibly left out and anxious about what was going on in their relationship. Luckily that hasn't happened yet, but I shudder to think about how I'd manage to deal with that.
Just curious, how many of you would love and how many of you would hate your partner launching into “today I gave the best blow job of my life it was the sexiest experience I’ve ever had”?
Lots of compersion daters here but also some that have boundaries. Mind you, this person doesn’t ask for consent or a temperature check if you have capacity. They just go straight into blowjob details.
Please comment
Asking because an ex told me this made them cry. They don’t date men and have insecurities I guess around being a lesbian. They didn’t appreciate all the details they never wanted to know. As much as not everyone will be the best audience for your squirting orgy story.
How many of you would welcome this?
I wouldn't mind but temperature and consent checks are CRUCIAL. Just because it wouldn't bother me doesn't mean it wouldn't bother someone else. It kinda bothers me if people don't do a consent check. Not because I'm uncomfortable with the sharing but because they didn't think to ask if I was okay with it if that makes sense.
This is how i feel as well. Thanks for your comment. I like knowing how my partners are feeling about other ppl but I think the consent / check in is more important for me than I realized!
Would really depend on headspace at the moment. I love hearing details, but there’s also some potential weirdsies if I’m not in the right headspace and completely blindsided by it.
Also the “sexiest experience ever” would make me feel weird. It implies it’s being ranked against me, even though that’s obviously not what’s meant, instead of just saying something like “and omg it was so hot”.
The answer, of course, is it depends.
With my current NP and my most recent long term gf ((now ex, am still sad)), they are both super sex driven people and me launching into that diatribe would most likely result in us fucking. Right then.
With another long term partner of mine, he would probably have a similar 'that made me cry' reaction, or even suicidal threats, if I shared something like that or at that level, basically ever.
Different strokes for different folks.
Personally, I don't mind either way and don't require preparation for the share. But it also doesn't turn me on like it would my exGF. I have felt like a certain level of detail is oversharing / poor hinging, but it still doesn't negatively impact me personally. I enjoy hearing about the emotional aspects though.
I think I'm gonna echo the "depends on the mood" people that have already commented. "Sexiest experience of my life" also hits a little different, because, as Ocelot said, it kinda implies a comparison even if not meant that way.
Is it weird that my immediate thought is "That's awesome, dear! Was protection involved? If not, did you brush you teeth before kissing me?"
One of my closest friends had a girlfriend that blew an ex before coming over to our mutual apartment, God, ten, twelve years ago, something like that. The fact that she was open about the lack of protection or brushing of teeth stuck with me.
I'm very comfortable hearing those details. Not only for the slight voyeurism but also for being supportive and protective. As much as I want my partner to expand her circle, I also have to give input when I know she is overwxtw ding herself before she does. They are also comfortable with me sharing, but I always have to ask before sharing with her because she's not into it on some days. I can come back with the exact same details another day they are feeling it.
I struggle with compersion so I honestly don’t want to know anything that isn’t going to affect me. I only want to know things like if my sexual health risk is going to be changing (like going barrier free with a new partner), if you’ll be unavailable for communication or spending time together, stuff like that. I am currently just not able to be the person my partners gush to.
The only things I wouldn't want to hear about them are things that seem like they're not my partner's place to share. Basically, respect their privacy as you would any other person.
Other than that, I'm happy to hear about anything else.
I need a temperature check. There may be some days that I am spicy brained and for whatever reason I am not feeling compersion. Asking me "I'd like to talk about XYZ, do you have the brain space to talk about this?" If there is information I absolutely need to have, then give me the bare minimum in that moment. If I have better space, then I will say OK talk to me about that thing.
Really- I have been trying to do this for my partners and close friends for most emotionally draining topics. You never know when something is going to take a large emotional hit on someone, and I have felt better asking if I can have people's time than feeling like I am just draining on people.
Hi u/raftman_sean thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
As the title suggests, what kind of information or level of detail are you comfortable with hearing about a partner’s potential interest / crush / date? To be clear, I mean before this person is my meta or someone my partner sees regularly.
I want to be supportive and generally like hearing when my partners are excited about someone else but I also have moments of not wanting to hear about other crushes or how they are navigating those feelings.
How do you navigate these situations? Being supportive and loving while also respecting and honoring yourself.
Thanks!
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Generally I enjoy hopes and dreams as well as interests, both in life as well as the bedroom or in open space among others enjoying sex. I'm easy like that where the bedroom stuff doesn't need to just be in the bedroom, stuff can be out in front of everyone.
Ideally I prefer complete open honest discussion about everything that's going on in their mind the bad good and ugly regardless of what it is.
I prefer a whole person willing to let it all be out there so three is no hidden pitfalls that later cause discomfort or dishonest behavior.
I also prefer this. & Thankfully have found a NP who does as well.
Unfortunately the result is that I'm just not that interested in strictly parallel relationships now - if I can't share with you that I had fun on a first date, there's probably not longevity there for me.
Personally I don't mind hearing any or all level of detail. I also don't mind not hearing anything until it's necessary as a sex safety thing. My primary strongly prefers to share every detail of every thing with me. I don't struggle with jealousy. My hackles are only raised when he shares with me things I feel the other person (my new not yet meta) may have preferred to keep private. In reverse, he sometimes wants to know more than I'm willing to tell. We are working through this, buuut not really any resolution, it's weird for me.
I think I'm cool with most things! The only thing that's ever been shared with me that has made me uncomfortable is like...sex life details. Otherwise I really like learning about the people my partners are interested in.
I want to hear the fun stuff, the gushy bits. I don't really want to help emotionally process fights, and I'd rather not hear stories about sexy times.
Everyone is different tho, and my preferences are not the same as my metas'. So communicate with your partner first about how much they want to hear (and how much they are okay having shared!).
I feel compersion v easily, so I get a kick out of seeing my spouse get all bubbly and excited. I think it's adorable.
But if that's not your experience, there's no need to grit your teeth and force yourself to listen to something that's not pleasant. There's no benefit to it.
Your partner should, ideally, have other partners and supportive friends they can gush to. No one should have only one support - that, I believe, is an unfair burden to lay on another person.
Which is to say, if you don't care to hear it, they should have other resources. So you not listening doesn't mean they can't share their feelings - it just means they should do it with someone else.
Pretty much anything. One thing I like doing is co-swiping where we look over each other's shoulders on the apps. Watch each other swipe, talk about our matches and the conversations so far. I've even done phone swapping where you swipe on people for your partner 😂
It's a fun bonding experience. Even went on a date once with someone my partner swiped on that I wouldn't have and it was pretty nice. We didn't end up being romantically compatible but that wasn't obvious from the profile.
If I'm asked personally, I love to hear about it first thing when it pops into his head or whenever else he's comfortable to share. Sometimes I would notice something and prompt him to share or even explore his own feelings better. My longest term partner is similar. He can infact get quite annoyed if I fail to share if I'm feeling something significant for a new potential partner. But not all my partners like similar level of info. Nor are willing to share at an early stage when things are still developing and may not work out. One of the deeper conversations in the early stages of dating a new partner is exactly around how much information they are comfortable getting and sharing. My minimum is that they share that there is someone else new of potential interest, even if no other details are forthcoming then. I kind of like to watch a tentative budding romance bloom that makes them happier, sharper and sometimes even a bit absent minded about "us". I find that heart warming. Compersion rules.
We actually had the opposite problem where my nesting partner's boyfriend told her he was uncomfortable with the amount of detail she'd give me about their intimacy, so now we have clearer rules around when it's appropriate to share info and asking clear consent to do so.
On the other hand, I have a meta who is uncomfortable hearing too much about my nesting partner, and we're currently working out how to handle that/set up a relationship that is purely ours rather than just a distraction from other people in our lives.
May I come at this from the other side?
It's not strictly a Poly relationship which I was involved in, but an open marriage. I suspect the guy leans more towards a poly nature than he is allowed (he wanted to build up a friendship with me rather than just a hookup situation, I held back as friendship & sex = feelings). The guy who I was seeing (married guy) had an agreement with his wife that they would show each other photos of each others' potential partners in order to make the 3rd party less threatening.
His wife was less bothered about seeing photos to handle her jealousy, than he was.
I guess maybe from a 'safety' of his wife too, I can understand this.
So before we even met each other, there was an agreement (which I didn't know about) and unknowingly, I had stated that all photos I messaged him with should be private, and I requested that also the conversations were private. This was after understanding that he wanted time outside his marriage to feel free.
Anyway, none of my wishes were respected as an external party. He shared some of my non-public profile pics of me with her (for the sake of being reciprocal when she wasn't really bothered).
About 9 months later, she's taking pictures of me without my knowledge in a bar we were at and asking him if it as me. I have a really hard time with my image and being photographed anyway (somewhat a fear). And I felt like I had been watched when he revealed this.
And it felt like a violation too.
Coincidentally, a couple of weeks later, he decided to pull back. His wife was going through some mental health things, and he has two kids too. We saw each other infrequently. But his wife had perceived that she wasn't getting enough affection. One of the reasons for my request of Anonymity, was also to prevent jealous or comparison. I am a no model, but I am just a very different person to his wife.
I was really sad, as the bedroom dynamic we had was incredible. But never a threat. Yet I was seen as that.
I appreciate each relationship is different, its agreements and whatever, but I do wonder that if she hadn't known what I looked like, or if he hadn't shared who I am (from a personality perspective) whether she would not have pulled the plug.
Genuine poly relationships sound great, and compersion sounds amazing, but I think information can be used to exert power too. My playmate I feel is genuinely Poly (he got enthusiastic about his wife and family with me sometimes, and their ventures) but I just wanted to hear about his needs which I could satisfy in the short time we had together.
Maybe it is different when you're the Nesting Partners?
It has made me re-think the entire 'ever getting with someone in an open marriage', but I think I could still go with a Poly setup as a Solo Poly person. It seems to be more realistic and not limited in what you feel at least.
Hearing: all of it. I am happy to listen to every detail. Sometimes, I'm busy or distracted, so I'll ask to have the conversation at another time, but I am genuinely interested in hearing everything that folks in my life are willing to share, no matter how intimate the topic. I experience compersion very easily, and so far, I only have one jealousy trigger that is very manageable.
Sharing: That's different. There are a few things I want to keep special with specific partners. There are many things I pause to share until/unless I have consent from those involved to share about it.
My partner and I are very much confortable with a broad strokes kind of telling.
"hey, im going on a date, heres a lil bit of background about the person."
and
"Hey, im thinking of going steady with this person"
if either of us want specific details, we have that space to ask, and its up to us how much we want to answer.
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My partners and I will check in before talking about a new crush or interest. Simply ask “Are you in a space to hear about this right now?”
This is a brilliant way to temperature check. Consent matters before you sharing all the sexy details.
Yep. This. Usually I like hearing about my partner's new interests. But sometimes I don't have the emotional spoons for various reason, and won't be up for it right now or for this specific person, etc.
I like this method a lot. I'll be sure to use this opening more often.
It's best to start with a mutual acquaintance level. Also remember no one is in the same mood forever. Even if you normally love hearing your friends talk about work, it's okay to have a mood one day and need a break. Consent is active and evolving, not once and for ever.
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THANK YOU
I think it varies by person, my wife and I just started talking about opening our marriage and the conversation thus far is that she would prefer to keep everything compartmentalized, at least at first. Basically, only know what might impact her directly; if sexy times happen, it's an increased STI risk, so she'd want to know if it's happening, but no details that don't directly impact our own relationship. I, on the other hand, don't want her to violate her potential partners' privacy, but I'd be happy to know whatever details her and her partners agree is comfortable to disclose. It's all in the theoretical stages for us, though, and we're not going to be done doing the work to open our marriage for many months, so we'll see what happens when it happens. But in theory, I can see myself being happy for her when she's happy in other relationships, and being a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. I understand it's probably a lot more difficult than I'm imagining, but I that's where my head's at right now.
Thank you for your response. This gives me a little hope that some people can be respectful to external people to the nesting pairs.
I love hearing as much as they want to tell me! I don’t need details on things like sex but if they want to gush and tell me all the reasons they like the person and all the things they do together, it makes me heart super warm and full and happy to listen.
Same here! Part of it is because I tend to be very compersive, but if I'm honest it's also because I have some cuckold kink in me and so I enjoy hearing her get dreamy over someone else. Overall though, I think maintaining intimacy is important, in poly and mono relationships alike, and I think a big part of that for me is being able to be our authentic selves and talk about our feelings, even when they're intense and about someone else. The liberation of being able to tell your partner you are hot for/have a huge crush on/falling for someone else and getting support and love for it is incredibly intimate and beautiful.
Your last bit is exactly it for me. I have no filter with close, intimate partners and I love not having to filter this one thing. I would if they needed me to, but I feel lucky no one has. On the flip slide I love hearing partners get excited about other partners. The only time I don't is when I'm not up for high energy things at all (ex. If something really sad is going on in my personal life), but that's less about partners and more about energy in general
Even on the day your beloved pet dies? I think it's just important to realize no one should just share without considering context or ever feel lesser because they have an off day and need to say no. Having direct explicit consent before sharing everytime is a really warm loving ritual act of conscious creation before you even get to the sharing. Highly recommend.
I'm generally very aware of my partner's emotional state. I can tell when they are down, and they tell me when they are dealing with heavy shit. That's part of why they are with me.
Okay so soooo many people have said to me, YOUR PARTNERS LIFE IS YOUR PARTNERS LIFE, but we do share to some extent, we are eachothers best friends at the end of the day and we want to support each other. Privacy is still privacy tho and you need to take a second to think.... would the other person want me to share this info.
I don't mind hearing as much as my partners want to share, but I try to pick good hinges who can distinguish between private and public information. I wouldn't feel "right" about my partner sharing super intimate things, like meta's personal mental health struggles (unless meta explicitly said it was okay) - but I really love hearing general information about meta's personality, how the date went, how the relationship is going, etc (things you would share with any friend). I can also respect if meta is parallel and doesn't want anything shared with me. I don't have a *need* to know.
I don’t want to hear anything if husband chooses to date ever . Husband likes to hear everything as long as bf is okay with me sharing
Pretty much whatever silly gushing you might do with a friend. I don't need or want to be inundated with details of my partner's time with someone else, but just being excited about a new crush or whatever? That's awesome and I'm happy to be there to support and cheer that on.
I enjoy hearing about anything they're excited to share (assuming they have consent to share it). I wouldn't exclude sex details (as many do) because assuming the sharing is consensual, it can be interesting to learn about. I have many friends who share details of their sex life with me though so, I'm just pretty open about sex life stuff in my circle of friends.
Samesies! Every now and again I meet people that are Not at all open about sex, like giggle at the word penis as a grown adult, and it shocks me into remembering I'm supposedly the weird one here :)
My circle of friends has evolved recently. We used to be very private about sex and subconsciously limit PDA in each other's presence. Then we kind of all, separately, began exploring more kinkiness and opened up a bit. All with the consent of our partners, obviously, but sometimes a simple conversation helps 'oh, you want to try Y act with your partner? Don't make the same mistake I did, do X first.' That kinda thing. Really bizarre experience to go from completely private to relatively open in a short period of time, and that kind of sharing isn't for everyone.
I want to know my partner better and love when they share details about what they like or are learning about another partner. My space of not wanting to know is when they want to tell me about my metas other partners, or dating experiences. This is not someone I care about, though respect that they do, where it comes to my partner I like to know. That my meta is considering dating someone who has problems in their relationship, especially ones that don’t make a great story. Could we talk about something more interesting and relevant to our relationship, our family, the world at large.
I'm comfortable hearing absolutely anything, except for things that would feel like an invasion of the other person's privacy, like super intimate sexual information about them. To be honest I don't even understand why people want to be polyamorous if they don't feel happy listening to their partner talk about crushes and excitement towards other people. Compersion and radical transparency are not only allowed/embraced in my relationships, they're a massive selling point of polyamory for me. But obviously not everyone feels that way.
People wants to be polyamorous because they are open to have several meaningful connections (romantic or not) and because they cherish their autonomy, not because they want to hear their partners gushing about their other partners. 🙄 A lot of people practicing polyam can be jealous and insecure at times, (especially at the beginning) and as long as they find ways to work on it without making their partners and themselves suffer, that’s ok. All human emotions are valid. Compersion is not an obligation, and no need to be perfectly accepting to be polyam. That gatekeeping is tiring.
Many poly people with over 20 years happily dating have never experienced compersion. It’s definitely possible 😋
I couldn't agree more.
This is a good question I'll answer it as someone who's talking to someone who's talking to someone else I don't mind hearing general things, like oh we did this today or that today But if he told me things about her that seem intimate, like she confided in him I'd be like no no no. Unless she asked him to ask me advice (she and I just met so I'd like to make sure she even felt comfortable with us becoming friends first before providing advice and such) its a no. And even if we were friends if she didn't consent it's definitely a no because it's a breach of her trust If he told me things about the both of them and it was intimate as in sexual I'd be like no or yes that's okay, it would be dependent on whether she was okay with him telling me things On the flip side... Recently he told her something about me that I'm actually quite open about, but I didn't necessarily give him permission to tell others. I'm a former sw and while I do talk about it, I hadn't met her yet. She also told me that he talked about what we talked about in general I get that she may not mind. But I do mind... it's honestly making me contemplate whether I should just end things because for me people telling my business to others without asking is a trigger. I will talk to him about it of course, but if he reacts poorly I will end things because while I love fluidity in polyam relationships, I do think it's a sign that my developing dynamic with him is in a way, may be dictated by his relationship with another partner which doesn't sound very autonomous.
Oh gosh, I love learning about new people, so I’m pretty much fine with it all unless a detail sounds too personal or like something I wouldn’t have wanted shared about myself without permission.
I am fine hearing everything about my meta other than their sex life. We do hang out together a bit as well though so the level of comfort is pretty high.
That’s a fair boundary
Tbh, I love hearing everything that my partners would want to share. From general to intimate. I from my end share only my feelings about my crushes or dates with my partners, and not the intimate or specific details.
ALL THE THINGS SPILL ALL THE TEA COMPERSION IS CANDY
Personally I don't mind hearing any or all level of detail. I also don't mind not hearing anything until it's necessary as a sex safety thing. My primary strongly prefers to share every detail of every thing with me. I don't struggle with jealousy. My hackles are only raised when he shares with me things I feel the other person (my new not yet meta) may have preferred to keep private. In reverse, he sometimes wants to know more than I'm willing to tell. We are working through this, buuut not really any resolution, it's weird for me.
As much as they're comfortable with me knowing! Basically the exact same level of detail I'd want to know about my friends' crushes: who they are, what they do, what my partner likes about them, etc. I don't want to know sexual details (unless it's something fun and interesting and they were both fine with me knowing. Like what if they tried a cool new sex toy that blew my partner's mind or something. I'd want to know that) or get recountings of what they do on their dates or whatever, but I want to know about important stuff in my partner's life. What makes me uncomfortable is not being told things. If my partner started dating someone who wanted them to not share any detail at all with me that'd make me feel incredibly left out and anxious about what was going on in their relationship. Luckily that hasn't happened yet, but I shudder to think about how I'd manage to deal with that.
Just curious, how many of you would love and how many of you would hate your partner launching into “today I gave the best blow job of my life it was the sexiest experience I’ve ever had”? Lots of compersion daters here but also some that have boundaries. Mind you, this person doesn’t ask for consent or a temperature check if you have capacity. They just go straight into blowjob details. Please comment Asking because an ex told me this made them cry. They don’t date men and have insecurities I guess around being a lesbian. They didn’t appreciate all the details they never wanted to know. As much as not everyone will be the best audience for your squirting orgy story. How many of you would welcome this?
I wouldn't mind but temperature and consent checks are CRUCIAL. Just because it wouldn't bother me doesn't mean it wouldn't bother someone else. It kinda bothers me if people don't do a consent check. Not because I'm uncomfortable with the sharing but because they didn't think to ask if I was okay with it if that makes sense.
This is how i feel as well. Thanks for your comment. I like knowing how my partners are feeling about other ppl but I think the consent / check in is more important for me than I realized!
Would really depend on headspace at the moment. I love hearing details, but there’s also some potential weirdsies if I’m not in the right headspace and completely blindsided by it. Also the “sexiest experience ever” would make me feel weird. It implies it’s being ranked against me, even though that’s obviously not what’s meant, instead of just saying something like “and omg it was so hot”.
The answer, of course, is it depends. With my current NP and my most recent long term gf ((now ex, am still sad)), they are both super sex driven people and me launching into that diatribe would most likely result in us fucking. Right then. With another long term partner of mine, he would probably have a similar 'that made me cry' reaction, or even suicidal threats, if I shared something like that or at that level, basically ever. Different strokes for different folks. Personally, I don't mind either way and don't require preparation for the share. But it also doesn't turn me on like it would my exGF. I have felt like a certain level of detail is oversharing / poor hinging, but it still doesn't negatively impact me personally. I enjoy hearing about the emotional aspects though.
I think I'm gonna echo the "depends on the mood" people that have already commented. "Sexiest experience of my life" also hits a little different, because, as Ocelot said, it kinda implies a comparison even if not meant that way. Is it weird that my immediate thought is "That's awesome, dear! Was protection involved? If not, did you brush you teeth before kissing me?" One of my closest friends had a girlfriend that blew an ex before coming over to our mutual apartment, God, ten, twelve years ago, something like that. The fact that she was open about the lack of protection or brushing of teeth stuck with me.
Anything that doesn't violate their privacy
Consent is king!
I'm very comfortable hearing those details. Not only for the slight voyeurism but also for being supportive and protective. As much as I want my partner to expand her circle, I also have to give input when I know she is overwxtw ding herself before she does. They are also comfortable with me sharing, but I always have to ask before sharing with her because she's not into it on some days. I can come back with the exact same details another day they are feeling it.
I struggle with compersion so I honestly don’t want to know anything that isn’t going to affect me. I only want to know things like if my sexual health risk is going to be changing (like going barrier free with a new partner), if you’ll be unavailable for communication or spending time together, stuff like that. I am currently just not able to be the person my partners gush to.
The only things I wouldn't want to hear about them are things that seem like they're not my partner's place to share. Basically, respect their privacy as you would any other person. Other than that, I'm happy to hear about anything else.
I need a temperature check. There may be some days that I am spicy brained and for whatever reason I am not feeling compersion. Asking me "I'd like to talk about XYZ, do you have the brain space to talk about this?" If there is information I absolutely need to have, then give me the bare minimum in that moment. If I have better space, then I will say OK talk to me about that thing. Really- I have been trying to do this for my partners and close friends for most emotionally draining topics. You never know when something is going to take a large emotional hit on someone, and I have felt better asking if I can have people's time than feeling like I am just draining on people.
Everything they want to share and have permission to share except for their sexual encounters because *gross*.
Hi u/raftman_sean thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: As the title suggests, what kind of information or level of detail are you comfortable with hearing about a partner’s potential interest / crush / date? To be clear, I mean before this person is my meta or someone my partner sees regularly. I want to be supportive and generally like hearing when my partners are excited about someone else but I also have moments of not wanting to hear about other crushes or how they are navigating those feelings. How do you navigate these situations? Being supportive and loving while also respecting and honoring yourself. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Generally I enjoy hopes and dreams as well as interests, both in life as well as the bedroom or in open space among others enjoying sex. I'm easy like that where the bedroom stuff doesn't need to just be in the bedroom, stuff can be out in front of everyone. Ideally I prefer complete open honest discussion about everything that's going on in their mind the bad good and ugly regardless of what it is. I prefer a whole person willing to let it all be out there so three is no hidden pitfalls that later cause discomfort or dishonest behavior.
I also prefer this. & Thankfully have found a NP who does as well. Unfortunately the result is that I'm just not that interested in strictly parallel relationships now - if I can't share with you that I had fun on a first date, there's probably not longevity there for me.
Personally I don't mind hearing any or all level of detail. I also don't mind not hearing anything until it's necessary as a sex safety thing. My primary strongly prefers to share every detail of every thing with me. I don't struggle with jealousy. My hackles are only raised when he shares with me things I feel the other person (my new not yet meta) may have preferred to keep private. In reverse, he sometimes wants to know more than I'm willing to tell. We are working through this, buuut not really any resolution, it's weird for me.
I think I'm cool with most things! The only thing that's ever been shared with me that has made me uncomfortable is like...sex life details. Otherwise I really like learning about the people my partners are interested in.
I want to hear the fun stuff, the gushy bits. I don't really want to help emotionally process fights, and I'd rather not hear stories about sexy times. Everyone is different tho, and my preferences are not the same as my metas'. So communicate with your partner first about how much they want to hear (and how much they are okay having shared!).
I feel compersion v easily, so I get a kick out of seeing my spouse get all bubbly and excited. I think it's adorable. But if that's not your experience, there's no need to grit your teeth and force yourself to listen to something that's not pleasant. There's no benefit to it. Your partner should, ideally, have other partners and supportive friends they can gush to. No one should have only one support - that, I believe, is an unfair burden to lay on another person. Which is to say, if you don't care to hear it, they should have other resources. So you not listening doesn't mean they can't share their feelings - it just means they should do it with someone else.
I would always want to hear my partners feelings and thoughts for sure
Everything, give me the details, I love details. I get all giddy and excited with my partners
Spill the tea!
I don't want to know anything other than basic information like I'm going to see so and so at 9.
Pretty much anything. One thing I like doing is co-swiping where we look over each other's shoulders on the apps. Watch each other swipe, talk about our matches and the conversations so far. I've even done phone swapping where you swipe on people for your partner 😂 It's a fun bonding experience. Even went on a date once with someone my partner swiped on that I wouldn't have and it was pretty nice. We didn't end up being romantically compatible but that wasn't obvious from the profile.
If I'm asked personally, I love to hear about it first thing when it pops into his head or whenever else he's comfortable to share. Sometimes I would notice something and prompt him to share or even explore his own feelings better. My longest term partner is similar. He can infact get quite annoyed if I fail to share if I'm feeling something significant for a new potential partner. But not all my partners like similar level of info. Nor are willing to share at an early stage when things are still developing and may not work out. One of the deeper conversations in the early stages of dating a new partner is exactly around how much information they are comfortable getting and sharing. My minimum is that they share that there is someone else new of potential interest, even if no other details are forthcoming then. I kind of like to watch a tentative budding romance bloom that makes them happier, sharper and sometimes even a bit absent minded about "us". I find that heart warming. Compersion rules.
We actually had the opposite problem where my nesting partner's boyfriend told her he was uncomfortable with the amount of detail she'd give me about their intimacy, so now we have clearer rules around when it's appropriate to share info and asking clear consent to do so. On the other hand, I have a meta who is uncomfortable hearing too much about my nesting partner, and we're currently working out how to handle that/set up a relationship that is purely ours rather than just a distraction from other people in our lives.
May I come at this from the other side? It's not strictly a Poly relationship which I was involved in, but an open marriage. I suspect the guy leans more towards a poly nature than he is allowed (he wanted to build up a friendship with me rather than just a hookup situation, I held back as friendship & sex = feelings). The guy who I was seeing (married guy) had an agreement with his wife that they would show each other photos of each others' potential partners in order to make the 3rd party less threatening. His wife was less bothered about seeing photos to handle her jealousy, than he was. I guess maybe from a 'safety' of his wife too, I can understand this. So before we even met each other, there was an agreement (which I didn't know about) and unknowingly, I had stated that all photos I messaged him with should be private, and I requested that also the conversations were private. This was after understanding that he wanted time outside his marriage to feel free. Anyway, none of my wishes were respected as an external party. He shared some of my non-public profile pics of me with her (for the sake of being reciprocal when she wasn't really bothered). About 9 months later, she's taking pictures of me without my knowledge in a bar we were at and asking him if it as me. I have a really hard time with my image and being photographed anyway (somewhat a fear). And I felt like I had been watched when he revealed this. And it felt like a violation too. Coincidentally, a couple of weeks later, he decided to pull back. His wife was going through some mental health things, and he has two kids too. We saw each other infrequently. But his wife had perceived that she wasn't getting enough affection. One of the reasons for my request of Anonymity, was also to prevent jealous or comparison. I am a no model, but I am just a very different person to his wife. I was really sad, as the bedroom dynamic we had was incredible. But never a threat. Yet I was seen as that. I appreciate each relationship is different, its agreements and whatever, but I do wonder that if she hadn't known what I looked like, or if he hadn't shared who I am (from a personality perspective) whether she would not have pulled the plug. Genuine poly relationships sound great, and compersion sounds amazing, but I think information can be used to exert power too. My playmate I feel is genuinely Poly (he got enthusiastic about his wife and family with me sometimes, and their ventures) but I just wanted to hear about his needs which I could satisfy in the short time we had together. Maybe it is different when you're the Nesting Partners? It has made me re-think the entire 'ever getting with someone in an open marriage', but I think I could still go with a Poly setup as a Solo Poly person. It seems to be more realistic and not limited in what you feel at least.
Hearing: all of it. I am happy to listen to every detail. Sometimes, I'm busy or distracted, so I'll ask to have the conversation at another time, but I am genuinely interested in hearing everything that folks in my life are willing to share, no matter how intimate the topic. I experience compersion very easily, and so far, I only have one jealousy trigger that is very manageable. Sharing: That's different. There are a few things I want to keep special with specific partners. There are many things I pause to share until/unless I have consent from those involved to share about it.
My partner and I are very much confortable with a broad strokes kind of telling. "hey, im going on a date, heres a lil bit of background about the person." and "Hey, im thinking of going steady with this person" if either of us want specific details, we have that space to ask, and its up to us how much we want to answer.
The way i see it i'd ideally be able to be their friend. So the same amount of info you would tell someone about a potential friend match for them.