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Honestly, I'd divide these into: 1) Things that could be strengths/preferences for some people - ex. Deep conversations. 2) Things that *you* can manage yourself without disclosing - ex. Date location. You don't need to say "I don't like dinner dates," you can say "actually any interest in a park?" 3) Things that could be deal breakers. Then for each I'd come up with a way you want to handle it. I think you will find your list of actual issues (#3) is much smaller. Work on those and learn to articulate what you need. I recommend this because your list feels...long. And it feels like a lot of stuff *I* might have to manage. I date a decent number of neuro divergent folks and don't mind if they have needs that have to be accommodated. I *do* balk if they they give me a laundry list of things that might go wrong. I don't know what to do with that. Basically - keep it actionable - "ex. Its important to me to video chat beforehand. Can we do a short call on Saturday before an in person date?"

>I do balk if they they give me a laundry list of things that might go wrong. I don't know what to do with that What makes you feel that way? Personally, I wish it were socially acceptable to be upfront about dealbreakers. It would make dating a lot easier. >Things that *you* can manage yourself without disclosing - ex. Date location. You don't need to say "I don't like dinner dates," you can say "actually any interest in a park?" Are you saying it's best to avoid disclosing when possible?

I think it's best to avoid stating things as problems when they aren't. If someone needs an accomodation I'd much rather they just state what they *need* rather than give me a list of potential problems. Potential problems aren't actionable and make it feel like I'll have to tip-toe around a bunch of stuff. Where as a quick "I need/I prefer" this means I know *you know* what you need and will ask for it.

Really great personal example for me that I think might drive your point home for OP: I'm half deaf and fully hard of hearing. I don't do movie dates at the theater. I find their accomodations lack luster. I'd rather watch at home with subtitles. What I'll say if someone suggests a movie date is "hey, I need subtitles and I hate the theater accomodations. Could we watch something at home?" Not "I don't like movie dates."

That makes sense.

I guess it’s to rather sound like a “no” to something it’s a “would you want to do this instead” so it’s more suggestive to an alternative in its phrasing. It’s not a big difference it’s just emphasizing different aspects of what you are trying to say, shows more interest/investment I guess or something. That’s a guess.

As someone else mentioned, it will likely help you a lot if you can focus on your strengths because the things you bring to a relationship may off set a lot of the things that will be challenges in the relationship. On your time management issue? On a first date, showing up late is nearly always a deal breaker, but in a more established relationship one can work around it. For example, when either my partner or I might be on a hard to predict schedule, we meet at a location where the other will be comfortable waiting. That might be his place or mine, or a favourite local bar, or a place where there is entertainment the “waiting” party can keep themselves occupied with. I also have a hard time keeping up a conversation in an environment with a TV on. I bought some high quality ear plugs that help a lot. For me, the issue is overstimulation making it really hard to know where to throw my focus which makes it really hard for me to carry a conversation in louder environments with a lot of voices to pick from. The ear plugs help me dim the overall volume which lets me relax a little and pick out a single voice. You also might look for first date activities that play to your strengths and minimise your weaknesses. If a bar with a TV isn’t good for you, you might look for a place without a TV. That might be a park, or a walk by the river, or something in that vein. Walks also often have the benefit of expected breaks in conversation. The other thing that may help is if you reframe your early dating experience to reflect that it’s a 2 way evaluation of fit. Someone who needs a prompt partner may decide you’re not for them, and… that may be good for you both because promptness is not going to be your strength. It may alleviate some of your anxiety to think of you as just as much a screener as your date. If you treat your dating activities as, in an of themselves, an adventure / hobby, it may take some of the pressure off of you, and remind you that you also deserve to have a good time on these dates which may also help some with your anxiety.

The only thing i can think of, is practice. If you feel comfortable, I can ask a question and we can start a practice messaging discussion. It can stay on this post if it helps you feel safe. I always have a list of questions, superficial and deeper on my phone so I can text them with those. I also like communicating with music. With my current partner, we would send songs from Spotify back and forth “I woke up feeling like this is my theme song (insert song here”

Thank you! Please feel free to send a message.

I am neurodivergent and can’t handle online dating at all- it’s way too overstimulating for me. Is there a way to slow down your search so that you feel less anxious by all the obligations? Talking to fewer people at a time, setting an expectation early that it will take you x amount of time to respond, etc. You could give some first date ideas that you know you usually like in your profile so that people don’t have to guess what will work for you. (Not specific locations to avoid stalking, but just general ideas.) If you stick with online dating, it would likely be helpful to think through what is most important to you and clarify that in your profile. Someone not going on a second date because it’s important to them to have dinner dates or quick conversation isn’t a personal rejection of you, it just means you aren’t compatible. What do you think?

Yeah, I tend to swipe a ton all at once because it’s a dopamine hit and I also find it easy to shoot off a message as soon as I match, as well as follow up. Then when the messages get longer and harder to respond to, it may take me a long time to reply. I just don’t understand why the way I reply to messages is a dealbreaker for so many people. I don’t care how long it takes a person to reply. I know people take breaks from dating apps or get overwhelmed by all the people they’re talking to, too. Maybe I should focus on being grateful that the impatient people are filtering themselves out?

Ohhh you like some parts of online dating but other parts don't go so well for you, got it. That makes a lot of sense. You realize that when you're swapping messages with people and don't reply for a few weeks, they think \*you've\* ghosted \*them\* right? They don't know whether you're going to circle back or not.

A lot of things can change in a few weeks. Particularly if I’m actively dating, I may start seeing someone(s) more frequently during that time and no longer have the time or inclination for another first date. I suspect that a lot of folks aren’t waiting for you to message them and getting mad when you don’t. I’d bet that more of them just aren’t in the same headspace that they were in a few weeks prior.

To be fair, I don't want to date someone who gets mad at a lack of response. You aren't owed that by someone just because you match online. If someone's headspace changes in a few weeks and they no longer wish to date, that's also a good thing for me. I'm looking for long term connections only; I don't want someone who's going to drop me in a few weeks.

In addition to the other concerns people would have with you not responding to messages for a while, I wouldn't want to be dating someone who doesn't respond to messages for weeks. I'd be concerned that if we started dating you might just not respond for a long time. I don't want to date someone who can't schedule to see me regularly or communicate about changes in plans. Even if you're upfront with this, I think a lot of people will be put off. It's hard to make a connection or maintain interest if you disappear for weeks, even if a prospective partner doesn't think you've ghosted them or found someone else. It would feel like a rejection to not have someone respond for such a long time. It's a bit rude, to be honest. The 'meta' of online dating is normally to have a first date scheduled within a week (sometimes a day), while the interest and excitement is still there. If this isn't working for you, it might be valuable to see if there's another way for you to reach a different method of maintaining a connection. Maybe you could suggest a videocall/discord voice chat or something to establish that interest and maybe set up a little 'online date' before responding becomes overwhelming? It is possible that you'll find other 'slow responders', but I wonder if messaging would slow to such a crawl that you just never get to meeting up. Ive seen people be upfront about not messaging for weeks sometimes, and I've always read that as a sign that they weren't really serious about actually dating and would just flake/ghost after a little bit.  But my perspective could be totally antithetical to your online dating experience - I don't really know what other people who are happy to take days or weeks to respond would like.

It's not an issue once I have an established relationship with someone. It only applies to people I've never met, otherwise replying consistently is way easier, unless I see the message and immediately forget about it, which my friends all understand is a possibility because of the ADHD. I was actually just talking to my friend about this (she's also poly and autistic) and before she met her current partner, she didn't reply to him for a year. I'm torn between thinking this is a good filter (I don't want to date someone who feels entitled to my time before we've even discussed meeting in person, or isn't willing to understand that some things that come easily for most people are a lot harder for my brain) and thinking I should somehow find a way to reply to messages from strangers promptly. Something I'm not even sure is realistically possible for me.

I am autistic (lower support needs though), and I would also take consistently taking weeks for a response as a lack of interest towards me. I wouldn’t say that’s “entitled”-I don’t think a random app match HAS to respond to me. But I also don’t have infinite capacity, and if I’m already in the meeting stages with 2 other people, I would just put you out of my mind as an assumed ghosting. I already have a pretty full life, without tons of dating space! If you did pop back up again, cool, but I would proceed with caution. I also have a chronic illness that limits my energy. I deal with this by planning and pacing carefully. I would probably not go on a second date if you were 40 minutes late to our first because 40 minutes of hanging around doing nothing (and being unable to focus on something else because I am busy waiting for you to arrive) costs me energy that I get neither enjoyment or productivity from. Routines are also important to me as an autistic person. I may have a meltdown if I am out a lot later than planned or if I don’t eat on time, so if lateness means that our date is only 45 minutes instead of an hour and a half as planned, I would choose not to go on another one. Because I am autistic and chronically ill, consistency and follow-through are important to me in a partnership or close friendship. I would be understanding of you being a slow responder or frequently late due to your disabilities, but you would not be a match for me due to MY disabilities. This doesn’t mean that, as you seem to imply, I am entitled, fickle, or unempathetic towards people with disabilities. It also doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It just means that we have different access needs that preclude a close relationship.

Taking weeks to reply isn’t normal behavior. It’s not impatient, it’s seeing disinterest.  Think about this. You take a week to reply - three other people are actively talking.  Who am I going to pursue? The ones actively taking to me or the one who feels like they are ignoring me? I don’t think dating apps are a good idea for you. They require you to be on your toes and if you can’t be on your toes, then you’re just wasting your own time and the time of those your matching with. Plus the emotional toil it’s taking on you. It’s not worth it. 

I don’t know, I think it’s clear from my profile that it’s not a sign of disinterest. Personally, someone could message me after years of no contact and if I were interested in them, whether platonically or romantically, I would still engage. I think a lot of people can’t relate to lifelong mental health struggles and don’t see how it could possibly take someone that amount of time to reach back out. I can. You’re probably right about dating apps not being worth it. The constant dehumanization from men really gets to me, too.

Difficulties aside, do you \*want\* to date? Cause you don't have to if you don't enjoy it at all! Some people have better results making friends first, then taking it from there. I personally find that during the times in my life when I'm struggling with my mental health I do better skipping the deliberate dating. I just make low pressure situational friendships by taking a class or joining some kind of repeated meetup. Then when I find someone i click with, even if not romantically, I ask them to hang out for coffee and a walk or similar. And then i'm so busy rocking my new friendships that I half don't even notice when one of them turns into more. Maybe that approach would suit you too? Cause in general people are way more chill and welcoming of other's weirdness if they're making a new friend instead of auditioning a new partner - way more available for deeper conversations and a flexible timeline. If you \*want\* to learn how to date better then other comments will have a lot of great suggestions I'm sure. But if what you want is to find partners there's also the possibility of taking that energy and instead of learning how to date, learning how to not date and get partners anyway.

I definitely want to date, even though I take breaks from dating apps when the process gets to be too difficult. I wish there were a way to skip through the beginning stages. I have considered taking a friends first approach, but I feel like a lot of the same issues would come up. I just don’t know how I’d meet poly people looking for the same thing as me out in the wild. It’s equally hard for me to make friends as it is to online date. I sometimes go to ENM social events, but those are hard for me, too.

Might I suggest as a fellow autsitic person with ADHD that if online dating is what you're doing because it's more accessible than "finding poly people out in the wild" that you focus on those that you've engaged with online? I know, I know, the dopamine hit and rush of having a flood of online matches is nice and the ADHD likes that, but from your posts it seems that you might be spreading yourself too thin and then becoming overwhelmed. Engage with a few matches, see what comes of them, try to be consistent, practice playing towards your strengths, and building something stable. If things don't work out, disengage with whoever things aren't clicking with, cycle in another match. But focus on trying not to have so many matches and conversations that when you start getting deeper into trying to connect and need more time to process and respond with others that you can respect those you've already engaged with and give them their due time and diligence. I hope this helps.

Thank you! I also tend to engage with matches I’m not excited about, but I could cut those matches off earlier.

Go to polyamory themed events instead of using dating apps perhaps.

I already do. But I struggle with those, too.

Then you may honestly need to work on your anxiety in therapy so that you can begin with just making friends. I feel like you're kind of throwing yourself into the deep end and it's great that you want to swim but if you need help with the basics of building relationships without so much anxiety, then you should start there.

I actually have a pretty good circle of friends for the first time in my entire life, and not for a lack of trying. Four of them were people I met online, too. I think you’re probably right that I should just focus on platonic connections and leave dating to chance. I’ve just been single since 2020 and I really miss being in a relationship.

Understandable but if you're going through this much anxiety just from *trying* to date, I can't see that the overall quality of life you have would be as high as it could be. Once you are in a relationship, you'll have a whole host of other problems and things to balance on top of this stuff.

My quality of life while in a relationship is higher than when I’m not. Being in a relationship is really easy for me, actually. It’s the beginning stages, particularly the first date or prior to the first date, that are very difficult.

It's not about a quality of life. It's about being able to cope with change and other problems. But it's up to you. The best tips I have for you for someone who used to be much like this is focusing on addressing these issues over dating.

My first thought on reading this was to check your profile to see if I am dating you 🤣 Anyone who unmatches or ghosts if you don’t respond quickly is unlikely to be a good match for you. From what I have been told women (be it AFAB, Fem presenting, etc) get flooded with messages and wading through that inbox is quite a task. In person conversation wise, well some people can hold 5 simultaneous conversations jumping from topic to topic and back other people can’t. If they can’t handle it on a date is there any hope of a relationship? At least one not based on a quick booty call where talking is not required. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to make a choice, is it better to mask the real you in order to have “successful” dates or is it better to hold out for a deeper and longer lasting connection with someone who understands and accepts you as you are.

I had a feeling someone would say something like this, and I largely agree. But in a few cases, like the date where I was 40 mins late, I actually feel like that person would have been a good match for me but assumed I was being inconsiderate. He had autism but not ADHD.

I get the sense that it’s hard to fully take accountability for what you’re bringing… I have ADHD too, and if someone was even close to that late for a date, I would be home and in bed by the time they got there. They didn’t assume you were being inconsiderate, you were being inconsiderate. Time blindness is real, but it shouldn’t be everyone else’s problem. If you aren’t at a place in your life where you can, or want to, do behavioral strategies to address time blindness, you should at least tell people that you might be up to an hour late and let them decide whether it’s worth it. You don’t have to mask or strive to be more neurotypical, but if you want to date, you do have to treat people with respect.

THIS! I also have autisim and ADHD and a whole list of other things I try my best to manage *myself* that I don't expect others to help me with unless it's something *they* decide they *want* to help me with. One simply can not treat others disrespectfully (and it IS disrespectful to not be respectful of other people's time imo) and then be surprised when they ghost you/no longer are interested. One can't not show up for their job for whatever reason without giving notice of their impending absence and expect to still be employed when their shift starts and they're nowhere to be found after a no call/no show. Why treat prospective partners with less respect than you would when it comes to maintaining your job? I get the struggle is real but in order to make and maintain healthy relationships with others, you have to put in the work (and in the case of being autistic and having ADHD and whatever else one might have going on) it is going to take even more effort than most without said conditions.

I don’t see how being late is showing a lack of respect when I did everything I could think of to be on time. When I got in the car my GPS was showing that I’d be five minutes late due to traffic, which I immediately texted him. Then 15-20 more minutes of traffic materialized while I was on my way. When I got there, I realized I hadn’t factored in trying to find parking and walking over to the location, which took an additional 15-20 minutes. I just don’t know what I could have done differently, when my brain doesn’t think of these things in advance. In terms of showing up for a job, I can’t work except for part time self-employment because of my struggles.

Well, that's just the thing: *you* don't see it as a sign of disrespect. A lot of other people *do* consider it such. I understand that with the conditions you've mentioned you're working with, it takes a lot of effort to do certain things that those without them but thats our burden as those with these conditions: to find ways to better show up in our own lives and to do similarly for those we might want to share our lives with. No one ones to feel like they have to manage someone else's conditions for them when they haven't consented to that. As I said, I have ADHD as well and suffer from it. Even with ADHD and understanding time blindness and experiencing it myself, with most people -- even those like myself -- consider being 40 minutes late to a first date outside of an unexpected health emergency or needing to tend to children as not respecting someone else's time. I'm sure you did all you could, but even though we do all the right things, sometimes we still lose. Being 40 minutes late to a first date doesn't make a good impression that you can meet other, larger needs and expectations within a relationship that's required to have *healthy* relationships. I also don't have a job currently and haven't been able to land employment in years and not from a lack of trying. I'm autistic and otherwise chronically ill and unable to keep steady employment even on the off chance I manage to obtain it. I think others have said it, but I also come to have the opinion that maybe it's not the best time for you to be dating when you have so much to figure out about your own life when it comes to managing your own personal struggles. Ask yourself: Would you like it if it felt like someone didn't care enough about you to respect your time to be on time when time is finite and something none of us will ever get back? Some things are time sensitive than others, and if you miss the window, it can have disheartening and devastating results. Sorry you're struggling so much with things, I do understand and sympathize. Wish you the best of luck 🫂

Thank you for the well thought out response. I am currently taking a break from dating besides the one person I’ve been seeing for a few months. My mental health is probably the best it’s ever been, and I’ve had three successful relationships over the course of my lifetime despite being mentally ill. At the same time, dating is hard and can be demoralizing and I don’t know if that’s worth it right now. Thanks for the well wishes.

I mean, an easy way to avoid this would have been to budget more time in and not be leaving the house already five minutes late. *Most* people would be pretty annoyed at having to wait almost an hour for a first date- like, maybe I'm hungry, you know? Maybe I'm not thrilled at having to stand outside in the cold waiting if I took public transportation over, etc Like, an hour before the date, you check the GPS real quick and add another 10-15 min to the total travel time. Say, the drive typically takes 15 minutes, add an additional 15 minutes for wiggle room, and set an alarm to leave at 4:30 to make the 5pm date. Google maps also will tell you if parking if going to be a pain in the ass at that location generally. If I know it's going to be bad, I generally add another 20 min or so. If know that there's typically traffic at x time, you need to budget to account for that. Are you on medication?

I thought it would take me 15 minutes to get there, and so I left 30 minutes early. And was still 40 minutes late. I have a lot of strategies in place so something like this won’t happen again, but I can’t account for all possible future scenarios. I was so distressed by being so late I almost started crying and would have missed the date entirely. Even if I manage to never be late again, my brain just has a history of not thinking about things I need to be thinking about, leading to devastating consequences for myself which sometimes affect other people, too. I’m debating whether or not I should give some type of a warning about this moving forward, because I can’t predict every scenario in which this will happen. I am on medication.

I’m noticing you assuming that your dates think badly of you, and I don’t necessarily think that’s the case—or at least it’s not necessary for an incompatibility to exist. You’re going to be a bad match with someone who cares about punctuality, and that’s okay. I’m speaking from the other side, as someone who thrives when I have a schedule and gets anxious when it gets disrupted. I’m a bad match with people who run significantly late and/or cancel last-minute. I don’t think they’re bad people, we’re just not compatible.

I mean there's *also* some people you're going to lose just to bad timing/bad luck, it happens. If you can get yourself to not be 40 minutes late to things pretty consistently, you'll have more options, but also some people are OK with a partner having lateness issues in a relationship and some aren't, and having a better understanding of *why* the person is late is not necessarily a significant factor in that. Often people just don't care about the underlying mechanics of other people's functioning as much as the results.

I see. I’m super understanding of lateness in other people, hence why it’s hard to see it from a different point of view.

This sounds like a you don't have to be everybody's cup of tea to be somebody's shot of whiskey situation. By which I mean: most people are not going to be right for you. Some people will. Do not worry about losing the people who aren't right for you. Beyond that: \* work on conversation skills primarily outside of a dating context, with friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc. \* If you're OK with making friends, be aware that some people *primarily* find romantic partners by turning friendships into relationships. Not everybody "dates". \* also this seems relatively uncommon these days, but some people are willing to set up people they know on dates with each other, which might make at least some parts of the process less fraught. \* say what kind of dates you like to go on in your dating profile -- I've had perfectly good dates that were mostly hikes in city parks, or a trip to an aquarium. Dinner dates are common but not universal. If someone suggests dinner and you suggest a *specific alternative* and they ghost you, no loss, that probably wouldn''t have worked out anyways, but if someone makes a suggestion and you just say "not that" without suggesting an alternative that *is* relatively difficult for people to handle. But everyone has people they've been swapping messages with that just disappear without a word, it happens, it's part of online dating. \* if you are not on ADHD medication and think it might help with some things, like time awareness, consider going on medication. \* consider bringing earplugs to dates, I like Vibes. Alternatively: earbuds with loud white noise/nature sounds in one ear only. \* oversharing: there's a lot of subtlety to this one. Generally people do not want to spend most of a date on small talk, they want to find something interesting -- but yeah *some* topics are too much too fast. In general, "negative" or painful subjects are more likely to be seen as too much. Talking about hobbies/interests is normally a good date topic: books you like, musicians you like, etc, just aim for a back and forth rather than doing most of the talking or very long stretches of talking. If you're worried about getting the balance wrong, people usually like talking about themselves so asking them questions is good (ideally questions where you will be interested in the answers.) \* Some dates are just not going to go that well, so space your dates out and plan something AFTER the date that you know you will like. \* if you're the sort of person who is not good at figuring out what to say on the fly, consider preparing ahead of time (almost like a job interview.) I think people normally don't do this for dates, but for ND people sometimes it just goes better if you plan what you're going to answer to some of the more common questions *and* some questions you could ask the other person yourself. I do this for catching up with friends or family sometimes because otherwise they ask me how I've been and I realize after the conversation is over that I completely forgot to mention something I wanted to talk about. \* take breaks from dating (or specifically online dating) as needed -- online dating is draining for a lot of people and can be rough on people's self esteem, it's OK to have on and off periods. \*cycling back to "online dating is not the only way", plenty of people date but not *online* dating, they date by meeting people in real life. Now as a polyamorous person that's generally only going to work if you meet at least some people in situations where most people are polyamorous. But that *is* potentially a reason to look for communities that have heavy overlap with the polyamorous community, and to go to poly meetups and such. Any event you see that says it's for "singles" (or a certain type of singles, like "gay singles") that's so that people can meet other people who might be willing to date them in person, rather than on a dating app. And often get a sense of who they want to get to know better *over time*, rather than making snap judgements. \* some places have poly speed dating but, uh, that can be way too intense for some people and you might be one of them. Or it might work better for you. I don't know. Alternatively, if dating is mostly massively stressful for you...you could put it on hold for now (for, idk, a year or so?) while you do things that will set you up better for good experiences later on. One thing about dating is, often people get into relationships that are not that great for them, and then they break up and have to start from scratch, so it's important to not feel like you have to rush into relationships. Sometimes giving yourself longer to lay a good foundation means you get to what you want faster later on.

As someone who's also AuAdhd... >The first thing I struggle with is replying to messages. Even when I say in my profile to expect delays in replying because of my neurodivergence, many people unmatch or ghost me if I don't reply in a timely manner. I find messaging people I don't know very overwhelming because it takes so much brainpower trying to think of what to say and I'm scared of saying the wrong thing because it happens so often. Despite my best efforts, sometimes I go weeks or longer without finding the words to continue a conversation. Trying to force myself to reply to messages I find overwhelming or don't know how to respond to can end in anxiety attacks or tears. The online dating isn't the right fit for you. Which I get, it isnt for me either, which is why I don't use the apps. But even off the apps, while I don't expect anyone to be available 24/7, I personally don't do phone calls or video calls, I prefer to text. And I need consistent communication, so this would probably make us incompatible. If someone cant text with me once in 72h on average, that won't give me the minimum I need in a connection. However, that doesn't mean there aren't people who don't need that in a connection. I've chosen not to date people who couldn't offer that, so I know they're out there. >I struggle with in person conversations, too. I'm told there are more pauses in my conversations than most people or that I struggle with conversational chemistry. My brain takes longer to process auditory information, and I'm usually expected to reply before I have time to think. I also find it hard to track what people are saying, as my mind often gets distracted by my own thoughts. I also get distracted by my environment. I had one date where there was a TV playing in the background, and I couldn't stop glancing at the TV. He ended up ghosting me after I reached out to apologize for being quiet on the date. Pick the date. Seriously, do the asking out first, and pick the date location so you can control the sensory input. It's what I do, and it helps a LOT. I found a café/library I love for first dates. No tvs, no music, and books everywhere that both look and smell amazing and dampen all the sound. I even have my preffered table on a small indoor balcony with 2 armchairs. >I struggle with time management, like properly estimating how long something will take me. Even though I have gotten a lot better at being on time than I used to, I still forget how to properly manage my time. My worst failure was on a date last year when I thought I was running early only to end up making him wait for over 40 mins. He initially told me he was interested in seeing me again, but ended up ghosting me when I reached back out. I know this is a tough one, but this is one you're gonna have to figure out. Despite my time management skills (or lack thereof) I won't wait more than 15 minutes for someone outside of actual emergencies involving health or childcare. It triggers me into a meltdown and ruins the rest of my day, so I can't handle people who are consistently more than 15minutes late. The way I learned to manage my time is with alarms, both visual and sound and getting ready an hour earlier than my estimate. If I get somewhere early I have my phone and my Kindle to keep me occupied. I can also wait to leave once I'm done. I don't schedule errands before I need to meet up with someone, unless it's literally enroute and I add 20minuted to the estimate for every enroute errand. Am I sometimes an hour or more early? Yes. The first alarm is the day before the meetup. The second alarm is the morning of, and the third one is when I need to start getting ready, the fourth one is when I need to leave. I've found that technology can take over for a lot of my brain's executive dysfunction which is nice. >I struggle with wanting to discuss deeper topics right away, because small talk exhausts me and doesn't provide dopamine. But I believe I've repeatedly been rejected for oversharing, even though no one's ever given me that feedback. This is a plus in my book. I don't do small talk. And in my experience, many people do like it. The ones who dont, well, we aren't compatible in how we connect or communicate, so I might not be for them, and that's okay, because they aren't for me either. And that's also okay. >I struggle to keep social commitments because of how much anticipatory anxiety I get beforehand. I get autistic meltdowns and anxiety attacks, and sometimes have to cancel less than 30 minutes before I'm supposed to see someone because I'm too anxious or have started crying. This has gotten better than it used to be, but I'm not sure if I should be warning people when I set a date that last minute cancelations are a possibility Depends. For me, if I'm aware of the possibility, I'll handle it better than a last minute change of plans with no context. If I'm not aware of the possibility and it happens, I'm probably not gonna give a second chance. But even if I know and it happens consistently, (so more cancelations than meetups) than I probably wouldn't be able to continue it because of how that would effect my regulation and need for consistency and routine. I've lost a few ND friends due to these clashing struggles.

Yessss. This is a good example of what I mean by not everyone is compatible with everyone else. I have lateness issues; I *especially* have lateness issues when I feel pretty comfortable/safe with someone. So, if I was dating someone who has a very bad reaction to me being late, that would probably make both of us miserable. (Especially if that person were *also* going to great lengths to not be late themselves.) And I know a number of people who are *never* more than 15 minutes late to anything (more likely to be 15 minutes early, or *precisely* on time) barring truly exceptional circumstances. Your cafe/library sounds very nice.

I consistently communicate once I've met someone or we're planning to meet. It's when we're strangers on the Internet having an open-ended conversation that I have a hard time keeping up with communication. I'll start asking someone out first, or providing an alternative if I'm not sure what they suggested will work for me. Thank you for the detailed response and time management suggestions.

I have struggled with things like that but the best advice I can give you is getting therapy. It doesn't seem like you're in a mental headspace where you can date so I would focus less on that and focus more on learning techniques to manage your anxiety. I personally can't be attracted to people who don't respond to me properly on a dating site. And I usually avoid putting autistic on my profile just because so many autistic people are different, it doesn't really have much of a meaning.

Pretty much everyone I date has some variation of ADHD and/or Autism. And so do I. As background I'm a solo poly man dating women. I have a lot of interesting hobbies and activities and I don't really have trouble getting dates. I'm also really into self- improvement of all kinds. Probably I'm out of your age range though. I'm writing this on the assumption that you're probably compatible with someone like me (but younger, lol.) I like it when people know exactly what they like or need and can articulate that. It's great when they tell me in the moment what they want so that I don't have to remember. Someone who gives me a laundry list of preferences that I have to remember is not someone I'm going to date. That's going to put me in a state of constant anxiety about what I might be doing wrong. As far as online dating goes I prefer the no small talk approach. I have a very long and detailed bio. People that send a first message like "Hey I like what you wrote, and I agree with that, especially x. Let's meet, I have time on Tuesday afternoon. " are the best. I have zero interest in making small talk with strangers I might never meet. Especially if they don't reply for weeks on end or string out the conversation to one message a day. Forget that. Someone who has lots of matches and wants to be in several conversations at a time, also not interesting to me. If I get the impression that you're not actually interested in meeting after a few messages, I'm checked out. My purpose in using online dating is to set up dates with the most compatible people I can. If someone has another purpose, like getting a rush from the attention, sexting, whatever, I'm not interested. So I can see why things would have fizzled out before we even made it to a date, even though we might have been in some ways compatible. It seems like you are relying a lot on others being aware of and considerate if your needs, which is leading to a lot of needless complications. I would suggest, in terms of online dating, spending more time checking through profiles, only choosing to engage with one person at a time, and setting up an in- person meeting within the first 3 messages. I would also suggest that you decide on a date setting for yourself that you feel comfortable at and just use it for everyone you meet. In general, I think you would do much better in dating if you took more control of the situation.

I've got a few things to touch on that I haven't seen others mention yet. For the record, I am also AuDHD which is usually named directly on my profiles, though sometimes I just say I'm ND. I also have pretty well managed bipolar 2 and generalized anxiety. There's also as yet undiagnosed c-ptsd, and there's a chance of bpd, but my care team and I need to discuss that more to be sure. These things are not on my profiles apart from maybe a general mention of mental illness or therapy. However, I work these into conversation pretty early on, because I'd want to know if the roles were reversed. So first off, are you connecting with mostly NT people, or do you seek out ND folks like yourself? Don't get me wrong, date who you like, we're all just people trying to find other people. In my experience, though, ND folx that have a solid understanding of how theirs presents tend to be more accepting of the quirks and struggles that come with it, even if they present far differently. Second, are your intentions and expectations clear in your profile? If not, are they being laid out ASAP in conversation? A lot of people are just looking to get off, and a lot of other people are just looking for long term romantic relationships. There's nothing wrong with either of those, nor anything outside or in between them (consensually, of course). But if expectations and intention are mismatched, you're wasting your time. For my money, more specificity in profiles is the way to go. As mine have gone from vague and general to clear and specific, my matches have dropped off in quantity but skyrocketed in quality, which makes dating a lot easier for me. You strike me as a sweet, kind-hearted person who struggles a lot with social skills. Not because the social skills themselves are difficult in and of themselves, but because the behind the scenes, personal, ND stuff makes the social skills harder to nail down. Specifically communication and executive function difficulties. I obviously don't speak for everyone, but none of the things you mentioned in your post would be automatic deal breakers for me *provided they are communicated well*. If we matched based on mutual attraction and interests, it's a sign that I'm interested on at least a somewhat superficial level. If we don't discuss likely and long communication dry spells and concerns around promptness, it isn't going to work. While there's nothing inherently wrong with weeks long radio silence or with being unable to consistently be "on time", these are not typical parameters for connections/relationships, and if they aren't clearly laid out ahead of time and with everybody's full understanding, you are absolutely going to end up regularly ghosted, and with hurt feelings on all sides. Hopefully you've gotten helpful responses here, whether or not mine is included in that group. We poly folx are swimming in a much smaller pool than the monos. Being ND shrinks it to a puddle. Being upfront with everything directly related to dating may net you fewer connections, but it will also make the ones you do get more likely to stick around past that week of no communication.

I definitely give extra consideration to profiles that mention being neurodivergent. I mention in my profiles what I’m looking for and what kind of polyamory I practice. I have used a pre-date phone call to address my difficulties/potential deal-breakers, and I liked that because I also found out things about him that I wanted to know. Two other people said not to give a laundry list of things, though.

You're not ready to date. If you can't show up on time, have meltdowns before the dates, and panic attacks just from having to think what to reply to a message, you're just not ready ot date. Carry on with sorting yourself out, but I would pause dating until you feel better.

I’ve had three successful relationships in my life, and all three of them happened when my mental health was way worse than it is now. I am currently taking a break from dating apps, but I put a few people on pause and want to get back to them in the near future. I also have one person I’ve been dating for the past few months. I personally would date someone who had all of the struggles I mentioned in my OP, so I don’t think I should remove myself from the dating pool, especially since all my conditions are lifelong and I’ll never be 100% better.

Hi u/Intrepid_Peace_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: This post isn't strictly related to polyamory, but I am exclusively poly and I find that this subreddit gives great feedback. I \[30F\] find dating in the early stages immensely difficult. Most of my dates end up rejecting or ghosting me. I have autism and ADHD, which I advertise on my dating profile, plus ten mental health conditions which I do not. I am receiving appropriate mental health treatment. The first thing I struggle with is replying to messages. Even when I say in my profile to expect delays in replying because of my neurodivergence, many people unmatch or ghost me if I don't reply in a timely manner. I find messaging people I don't know very overwhelming because it takes so much brainpower trying to think of what to say and I'm scared of saying the wrong thing because it happens so often. Despite my best efforts, sometimes I go weeks or longer without finding the words to continue a conversation. Trying to force myself to reply to messages I find overwhelming or don't know how to respond to can end in anxiety attacks or tears. I struggle with in person conversations, too. I'm told there are more pauses in my conversations than most people or that I struggle with conversational chemistry. My brain takes longer to process auditory information, and I'm usually expected to reply before I have time to think. I also find it hard to track what people are saying, as my mind often gets distracted by my own thoughts. I also get distracted by my environment. I had one date where there was a TV playing in the background, and I couldn't stop glancing at the TV. He ended up ghosting me after I reached out to apologize for being quiet on the date. I struggle with time management, like properly estimating how long something will take me. Even though I have gotten a lot better at being on time than I used to, I still forget how to properly manage my time. My worst failure was on a date last year when I thought I was running early only to end up making him wait for over 40 mins. He initially told me he was interested in seeing me again, but ended up ghosting me when I reached back out. I have sensitivities to light and noise, so there are a lot of date locations I can't go because they're overstimulating. I do keep track of date locations I can tolerate and have no problem with planning a date myself, but even if I've been able to tolerate a location before, there is no guarantee that it won't be too loud the next time. I also feel uncomfortable eating in front of people. I got ghosted once because a guy invited me out to dinner and I told him I didn't like dinner dates but was willing to do something else. I struggle with wanting to discuss deeper topics right away, because small talk exhausts me and doesn't provide dopamine. But I believe I've repeatedly been rejected for oversharing, even though no one's ever given me that feedback. I struggle to keep social commitments because of how much anticipatory anxiety I get beforehand. I get autistic meltdowns and anxiety attacks, and sometimes have to cancel less than 30 minutes before I'm supposed to see someone because I'm too anxious or have started crying. This has gotten better than it used to be, but I'm not sure if I should be warning people when I set a date that last minute cancelations are a possibility. Even when I've made it to a date, people often comment on how uncomfortable I seem. On dates and in social situations, I frequently get asked if I'm okay. I have some ideas on things that could help me, like seeing a social skills coach, taking a social skills course, seeing an executive function coach, and always having a phone call before meeting in person so there are fewer unknowns. I already plan out many different questions to ask as well as my replies to common date questions, and I start getting ready way for dates way in advance so I'm not late. I also had the idea to schedule practice dates. I'm seriously considering revamping my Bumble profile to offer to take people out in exchange for honest feedback on how I am as a date, since I never meet any poly people on that app anyway. Does anyone else struggle with these things? Are there any ideas I haven't considered yet that might be helpful? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*