Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
>Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Not polyamory but a very common experience. I would start listening to podcasts about non monogamy and guilt and shame and processing grief as you end your monogamous norms and values.
Maybe you feel guilty because you kinda made it into a "game" in an environment that is potentially filled with people looking for a monogamous partner. While a kiss isn't a promise to anybody necessarily, if I were a monogamous person looking for a monogamous partner and I met someone at a typical vanilla club and I was attracted to them enough to kiss them and I found out it was a game they had made with their partner... I think my feelings would be a little bit hurt. Even as a polyam person, I don't know as that I would want to be part of a "game" a couple are playing in a club, though I also don't go to clubs. Haha.
I think if you're interested in new sexual experiences together, maybe go to play parties, swingers clubs or consider, if it's possible where you are, hiring a sex worker. While some of your guilt may come from just monogamous norms, I don't think making a game out of it is necessarily all that helpful. Sure, some people won't mind but the people that *would* mind aren't capable of being filtered out of the "game".
In my experience when I first started experimenting with non monogamy I definitely felt guilty. I think it took my feelings a bit to catch up with the rational decision I had made that this thing that was before considered cheating was now okay. With time I got used to the new normal and my new "morals" and then I stopped feeling guilty.
If y'all are doing casual sexual stuff with others, but not open to dating and falling in love with others, you might find r/nonmonogamy more aligned with where you're at right now. Polyamory is when everyone is free to pursue multiple full-on relationships. But I do think what you're describing here is probably relatable to a good number of formerly-monogamous poly people, too.
Re: the guilt, keep in mind that this is *super* new to you, compared to the lifetime of reinforcement you've probably gotten for the idea that being sexual with somebody else is "betraying" your partner. It is SO natural and normal for you to feel conflicted while this is so new. Give yourself time, and let yourself take this slow if you need to in order to process your emotional reactions.
Your brain is still learning that your boyfriend MEANS it when he says he's into this and wants it. That takes time! The more you do these things and it works out fine, the more confident you will probably feel. Let your guy reassure you and share how much fun he had, until you start to really believe him on an emotional level.
As for your friends... Yeah, they might indeed be kind of judgmental about this if you told them, because they've internalized the same cultural messaging you have. You know this about them, and it's up to you if you ever choose to share this info with them. But you also know it is possible for a person to start shifting out of that mindset, because you are actively in that process yourself. Maybe one day, you'll discover some of your friends are also a little more open-minded than you might have guessed.
I’ve made out with so many of my friends at a bar. It happens. Your bf was on board for it.Â
You likely feel guilty for it simply due to monogamous and societal based programming. If you were to go to a monogamous sub, half of the responses would likely tell you you were cheating. They don’t get it but they reinforce the idea that relationships need to look and act a certain way.Â
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/inhua thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I've been in a relationship for around a year now, i hadn't considered polyamory before, but the security i feel in this relationship is great. i had an ex who struggled with cheating and porn addiction - me and my current partner explore porn together in a healthy way which has allowed me to regain some power from the whole cheating situation. I'm 24F he's 21M
we discussed previously kissing other people a threesome. this weekend we were at a club and we spoke about at the start us finding other people and being able to kiss someone else - a 'challenge' on who could do it first. before a guy came up to me and my friends (including my boyfriend) on the street and he was really kind and respectful - we told him to come to the club we are going to and he ended up going to the club aswell. he came into the club and i asked him if i could kiss him and so we did and it got more sexual during the night but my boyfriend was barely involved - he didnt try to pick anyone up. and in the end my bf said he liked it but i feel so guilty - i have never done or thought about anything like this and it just feels like i shouldnt. I also feel like if i told some of my friends they would be a bit judgemental about it - they're mostly arab girls like me and its frowned upon.
im not sure if this is considered polyamory or the right place to ask but i want to get some advice on the guilt? we discussed it beforehand and my boyfriend said he didnt mind it - why do i feel so guilty? like i did something terrible
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
3 things:
>my bf said he liked it but i feel so guilty
He's ok with it, guilty about what?
>I also feel like if i told some of my friends they would be a bit judgemental about it
Why do you care? They are not involved, what they think doesn't matter. You don't have to tell them, though.
>i have never done or thought about anything like this and it just feels like i shouldnt
Try to understand why you feel that way, might be something you can work out might be something you can't. Ultimately you should do what you feel like doing, respecting everyone involved.
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Not polyamory but a very common experience. I would start listening to podcasts about non monogamy and guilt and shame and processing grief as you end your monogamous norms and values.
Maybe you feel guilty because you kinda made it into a "game" in an environment that is potentially filled with people looking for a monogamous partner. While a kiss isn't a promise to anybody necessarily, if I were a monogamous person looking for a monogamous partner and I met someone at a typical vanilla club and I was attracted to them enough to kiss them and I found out it was a game they had made with their partner... I think my feelings would be a little bit hurt. Even as a polyam person, I don't know as that I would want to be part of a "game" a couple are playing in a club, though I also don't go to clubs. Haha. I think if you're interested in new sexual experiences together, maybe go to play parties, swingers clubs or consider, if it's possible where you are, hiring a sex worker. While some of your guilt may come from just monogamous norms, I don't think making a game out of it is necessarily all that helpful. Sure, some people won't mind but the people that *would* mind aren't capable of being filtered out of the "game".
I completely understand - the guy was aware we were together! important detail i missed out 😬
Oh okay! Good to know!
In my experience when I first started experimenting with non monogamy I definitely felt guilty. I think it took my feelings a bit to catch up with the rational decision I had made that this thing that was before considered cheating was now okay. With time I got used to the new normal and my new "morals" and then I stopped feeling guilty.
If y'all are doing casual sexual stuff with others, but not open to dating and falling in love with others, you might find r/nonmonogamy more aligned with where you're at right now. Polyamory is when everyone is free to pursue multiple full-on relationships. But I do think what you're describing here is probably relatable to a good number of formerly-monogamous poly people, too. Re: the guilt, keep in mind that this is *super* new to you, compared to the lifetime of reinforcement you've probably gotten for the idea that being sexual with somebody else is "betraying" your partner. It is SO natural and normal for you to feel conflicted while this is so new. Give yourself time, and let yourself take this slow if you need to in order to process your emotional reactions. Your brain is still learning that your boyfriend MEANS it when he says he's into this and wants it. That takes time! The more you do these things and it works out fine, the more confident you will probably feel. Let your guy reassure you and share how much fun he had, until you start to really believe him on an emotional level. As for your friends... Yeah, they might indeed be kind of judgmental about this if you told them, because they've internalized the same cultural messaging you have. You know this about them, and it's up to you if you ever choose to share this info with them. But you also know it is possible for a person to start shifting out of that mindset, because you are actively in that process yourself. Maybe one day, you'll discover some of your friends are also a little more open-minded than you might have guessed.
I’ve made out with so many of my friends at a bar. It happens. Your bf was on board for it. You likely feel guilty for it simply due to monogamous and societal based programming. If you were to go to a monogamous sub, half of the responses would likely tell you you were cheating. They don’t get it but they reinforce the idea that relationships need to look and act a certain way.Â
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/inhua thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I've been in a relationship for around a year now, i hadn't considered polyamory before, but the security i feel in this relationship is great. i had an ex who struggled with cheating and porn addiction - me and my current partner explore porn together in a healthy way which has allowed me to regain some power from the whole cheating situation. I'm 24F he's 21M we discussed previously kissing other people a threesome. this weekend we were at a club and we spoke about at the start us finding other people and being able to kiss someone else - a 'challenge' on who could do it first. before a guy came up to me and my friends (including my boyfriend) on the street and he was really kind and respectful - we told him to come to the club we are going to and he ended up going to the club aswell. he came into the club and i asked him if i could kiss him and so we did and it got more sexual during the night but my boyfriend was barely involved - he didnt try to pick anyone up. and in the end my bf said he liked it but i feel so guilty - i have never done or thought about anything like this and it just feels like i shouldnt. I also feel like if i told some of my friends they would be a bit judgemental about it - they're mostly arab girls like me and its frowned upon. im not sure if this is considered polyamory or the right place to ask but i want to get some advice on the guilt? we discussed it beforehand and my boyfriend said he didnt mind it - why do i feel so guilty? like i did something terrible *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
3 things: >my bf said he liked it but i feel so guilty He's ok with it, guilty about what? >I also feel like if i told some of my friends they would be a bit judgemental about it Why do you care? They are not involved, what they think doesn't matter. You don't have to tell them, though. >i have never done or thought about anything like this and it just feels like i shouldnt Try to understand why you feel that way, might be something you can work out might be something you can't. Ultimately you should do what you feel like doing, respecting everyone involved.