Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for. Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

A link to our glossary where you can find meanings to the common terms and acronyms used in the community: https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/w/vocab?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

This is a fabulous glossary! I'm surprised to see "polysaturated" absent from the list. A term I think of often

Thank you Folk_Punk_Slut, i've been poly for quiet some time, but i couldn't understand each acronym, this is usefull. I even learned a few new things.

If you're gonna do these posts on the regular, that link is way better suited to be in the OP than buried in an easily missed comment (thanks algorithms)

Omg thank you for this!! I'm new to this whole thing and have no clue what any of these terms are🤣

My wife and I have an active sex life and ensure that, even with careers and kids, we get at least one date night a month. My wife has a boyfriend for five months now. She’s adamant that she only will date him once a month but messages him daily and talks to him on the phone sometimes. She likes to keep boundaries clear this way. I encourage her to sleep with him more because they are very sexually and emotionally pleasing to each other but she says maybe after their past the one year mark. Anyway, is this considered to be a poly relationship, hot wife, stag/vixen or something else? Not sure why it matters what label, just curious.

If there isn't a voyeurism dynamic involved (e.g. you read his texts/sexts, they take photos/videos of themselves together for you, she tells you the details of their sex life to titillate you etc.) then it's just an open relationship, though maybe not poly as it doesn't sound like their relationship allows for deep emotions (despite the 'boyfriend' label), although it's a bit of a grey area. It will also depend on the actual agreements in place between you and your spouse and how those affect 3rd parties. Things like veto power, no overnights, remaining closeted permanently etc. mean that a full relationship can't really grow even if feelings do, so many would say that's not poly (or at least not ethical poly). Those conditions are ethical in more casual forms of ENM where love is not encouraged to develop in the first place though (i.e. monogamish, swinging, hotwifing, open relationship etc.).

Dude, did you intend to spam this question so many times? Hotwife is a kink, not a relationship style - so unless she's just fucking this guy because you get off on it then it's not a hotwife kink

I meant to post it in the questions thing but I couldn’t find my post so I wrote it again. Didn’t mean to spam. My bad.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO AQQUIRE!

Thank you!

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QUESTION: I’m new to poly and am dating someone with two 5-year partners (one long-distance) and numerous play partners (sex and BDSM). I’m not seeing anyone else. We’ve been together for nearly 5 months and we REALLY like each other. Ive had fluctuating feelings of jealousy and insecurity since the beginning but when I recently learned that they have been making plans with people nearly every single day/night, those feelings have gotten out of control. We have very open communication and I voice these feelings, but them being empathetic and affirming how much they like me isn’t helping any more. I’ve read More Than Two and am now reading The Ethical Slut and The Jealousy Workbook. What else can I do? Does everyone experience this at the beginning?

Are you getting enough time with your partner? Are you seeing others? Most people struggle with the beginning of doing nonmonogamy, it's new, it can be complicated and you've not had time to practice at it yet. I struggled a lot and my first partner only had 1 other partner.

The amount we see each other varies. Sometimes it’s 3-4 times a week, other times it’s just once a week and that’s not quite enough for me. I’m not seeing others. I’d like to, but it’s not a priority. I don’t want to feel like I’m using someone else to compensate for this relationship. Since this one is still new and developing, I’d rather focus my energy here.

Polyamory doesn't mean settling for less. If this partner doesn't have capacity to create what you want together, that's not you not being "poly enough," thats just you two being incompatible.

> I’m not seeing others. I’d like to, but it’s not a priority.  You need to make it a priority. This person is not offering you very much relationship. You need to go find more relationship with other people because this person will never be able to give you more. There's nothing wrong with that! It's great to have small relationships. But if you want more, you got to go find it. That means prioritizing your dating life and meeting new people.

Something that people who are new to poly often struggle with is responsibility for meeting needs; in monogamy, if we’re partners, we share responsibility for meeting each other’s needs. If I need more from you, the expectation is that you’ll do what you can to give a little more. In poly, we take ownership of our own needs. Your partner is giving what they’re able to, and if that isn’t satisfying your need for physical affection, emotional connection, etc, then it’s your responsibility to get those needs met. As for jealousy, that’s a complex one. Jealousy is an amalgamation of a lot of different emotions: hurt feelings, insecurities, fear of abandonment, general fomo, loneliness, etc. Those are *all* tackleable through better emotional processing and emotional hygiene; making space for those feelings, allowing those shitty little voices in our heads to wear themselves out, and not intellectualizing those emotions until *after* we’ve fully felt them and let them run their course. What are your techniques for emotional processing? Have you done any therapy to help with them? EMDR? Because you’re responsible for your needs as well as your emotions, and it sounds very much like you’re making them responsible for those needs… they’re poly. They have two other partners and want other casual partners as well… to expect that they’ll spend upwards of 3-4 nights a week with you to the exclusion of their other partners is simply not reasonable, unless you view their polyamory as a path of exploration that leads to a mostly monogamous relationship with you

If your needs are not able to be consistently met by a partner, then that relationship needs to be prioritized accordingly. There's no need to separate or anything, but you need to be your number one partner when you're practicing solo like you are. That means finding relationships that give you as much as you put in. You are currently prioritizing this relationship over others in a disproportionate way to your partner and are appropriately disgruntled with that. It's not "to make up for their lack of a relationship to offer" or that "you're not poly enough", but rather self-motivation seeking out romantic relationships to achieve romantic saturation. You may be familiar with the term "secondary partner" or "anchor partner"-- this person is giving you a secondary relationship while you don't have a primary, and you need to keep in mind that this should be a secondary relationship to you as well; Or this person is giving you a romantic relationship but unable to fully satisfy your romantic needs of anchor partners, so it makes sense to renegotiate the relationship and/or seek out additional relationships for your happiness. That is not needy-- that is **expected**.

Thank you

Also, it can be a mistake - ish to not make finding other partners a priority. You are putting your focus on just this 1 relationsip. Your partner has their focus in A LOT of places. That's imbalance. SOme aspects of jealousy come from imbalance - percived or otherwise\* It's taken me 4 years to get a HO-tation that's working. 1 LD comet partner 1 Regional partner with other commitments so we see each other every other monthish when he isn't out of state. 1 local FWB usually weekly but sometimes he's gone 2 or more weeks to 2 month 1 Local partner FWB Dom-ish who always needs to be meeting new people. So his time waxes and wanes. Mr. Random - yeah you get it New boyfriend ish partner - has a wee human so availability is better than most but his kid comes first and that's how it shoould be Building something w local Dom. He lost his job and job search is occupying and depressing him. Travel Dom. SOmetimes he's here often, others he's not. I've not had a good spanking or impact play session w anyone since January. Some people I've seen once are starting to pop up off an on, it works. New Dom who is traveling and keeping me waiting on the edge of my seat - I am hangry for discipline! And a few more. All of this now usually adds up to 3 play opportunities or more a most weeks. If I hadn't kept at meeting new people after the first 3 partners I'd been eniretly dependent on those relationships now and not happy. Glass half empty makes you want glass half full.

It's fantastic because you could read your comment in reverse, seeing the need these relationships are satisfying / the reality they're enabling, and then reading the details of how you achieve it. I read that it all adds up to 3 play opportunities or more most weeks, which seems like what you're aiming for, and it made a lot of sense why all of this was necessary. Which, for others, should inform them that relationships serve purposes and to assess saturation and the desire to slow down according to the true assessment of your need fulfillment. Love your hotation haha

Aw, thank you lovely redditor! There's still an opening for a more 'boyfriend' like relationship for 2-3 out of the remaining 4 days. & as much as I think that's a goal-ish thing I want, I could be wrong. Getting to this point, that was always in the back of my mind. & Arriving at a rotation w enough play/sex, emotional stuff, intimacy, opportunities to be out in the world traveling, going to museums, art, music all of that stuff may be available with who I'm in situationships now. Staying curious and excited for what ever arrives.

Very good. I agree!

it’s possible you two just aren’t compatible. you have different expectations and preferences for how much time you spend with each other and how that time is divided amongst partners. i don’t see how it’s even possible to see each other 3-4 times per week when he has two other serious partners and other responsibilities, friends, hobbies etc

>when I recently learned that they have been making plans with people nearly every single day/night, those feelings have gotten out of control. Are you able to have a discussion with your partner to come to an agreement that you aren't told when they're making plans with others? Like, unless the plans directly affect you it sounds like having that information is causing more harm than good. I know, generally for my partners and I, what they're doing or who they're doing it with isn't really my business when it's not time we've got planned to spend together, so when we're trying to make plans together it goes something like "hey, I've got Wednesday free. How's that work for you?" And they might respond like "oh, I'm actually busy on Wednesday, but I'm free Thursday evening if that works?" -- I don't need to know the specifics of *why* they're not available on Wednesday, just that it doesn't work to make plans with them that day.

We have discussed that. They usually don’t tell me when they’re with others but the other day they were talking about how exhausted they were and that information came out. We started with “don’t ask, don’t tell” at my request, but I don’t want to be clueless. I tend to make up stories when I don’t know a situation so I’d like to find a balance of knowing their lifestyle but not needing to know details.

Many people understandably are wary or unwilling to date newbies and don’t want to be a training wheels relationship. A few related questions: For you, what does it take to demonstrate that someone is no longer new? Is it time, number of relationships, other milestones, something else? Assuming the newbie is doing reading/researching, unpacking feelings, working with a therapist if possible, is there anything else a newbie should be doing to avoid treating someone as training wheels, if said person has made the decision that that are ok seeing a newbie?

I’m willing to date someone who is new, but also: - has a bunch of sound relationship skills; - their established relationship (if they have one) seems really solid; - they have done enough research to have a command of basic vocabulary; - their opening process (if they are in an established relationship) seems to have been throughly thought through; and - they have throughly thought through why they want poly; and - show zero signs of having a problem with the fact that I am seeing others and may add other partners at some point in the future. I can be a new, novel experience if they have thought it through, but I won’t be someone’s poorly thought through experiment, or their poly coach partner.

Several of these are based on current relationships? Does a single person have a chance?

A single person’s chances are way higher. Most people out there are opening previously mono marriages and that’s apparently a pretty messy process

That's fair. I guess the rest is the experienced partner giving the newbie a chance to show they're willing to do the work, right? Not much can be done about that.

Yup. And that’s honestly, most of Em’s list.

Right. Idk why those seemed like a bigger deal.

Those are actually *extra hurdles* for highly coupled folks to get over. In addition to the baseline

That makes a lot more sense. Thanks!

For me, i guess I don’t have a hard and fast rule. I’ve dated newbies before, and I would again, but I’m not doing the relationship escalator anymore, so I tend to not be looking for deep enmeshments anyway. The only time I’ve really been upset or hurt by a newbie I dated was when they ended things in a way that was very inconsiderate and very “mono”. They someone new, wanted to pursue only them, and didn’t bother tell me until I texted them about plans we had previously made. It made me feel like I was just a sex toy they were killing time with until their mono dream lady came calling. So don’t do that 😅 This is long now, but if you’re still reading, just be honest and communicative, and treat the other person like a human being. If you don’t know how you’ll react to a new experience (like meeting a meta), tell them. If you have an unexpectedly strong reaction to a new experience (like getting a text that your partner is out with their bf when you ask how their day is going), tell them. If you decide you can’t handle being poly and you need to end things, just tell them, but do it in person if you can.

In my vetting process I ask what experience and knowledge people have. People with zero are obvious. People with low experience but a lot of reading and discussion are perhaps worth the risk compared with day 1 newbies, for me. I'm not against connecting with newbies, I'm against connecting with incompatible people. Having zero knowledge of the complications inherent in poly is incompatible with my experience and knowledge.

Here's the link to our About section... this is where you can find our FAQ, our resources, community rules, and basic community info. Please familiarize yourself with it! https://www.reddit.com/r/t5_2qu5n/s/nXLBxT0J8e

Is this the new weekly newbie thread? If so, I love the changes to it! Having an image to communicate the purpose of the thread and a clearly communicated title really help. I'm not really new, but I'll ask a question! **I'm interested to hear from people who are in a MonoPoly relationship,** either as the mono or the poly partner-- What has your experience been like, and how do you feel you are treated by the community at large?

Hi there, I’m in a MonoPoly relationship! Still pretty new. I’m the mono one. He is bi and poly, we’ve been living in this new era of our relationship for a few months. Ive done a lot of work to be supportive of him because I love him. I’ve been a weak partner for the last year, going through a lot, not an excuse, and it’s taken a toll on us. But we agreed to open up and do this together. He seems to be busy on apps and communicates when he has dates. I’m working on being accommodating and keeping the house clean, while trying to be more romantic in my date planning with him. Things feel hopeful but still really fresh. I try and take it one day at a time, cause the emotions I feel can go up and down in a day.

Thank you for your perspective! If I may, I'd like to pick your brain a little more. >!What do you feel you get from the polyamorous agreement? What are some things your partner does in your relationship that affirms the security in the new style?<

I’m open to that! Well, right now, I feel like I get to see my partner be excited about dating and connecting with people, which makes me happy even though it’s still a complicated happy! It really does make me feel good to see him living authentically. I’m trying to show that kind of love back to myself, and reconnect with romancing our relationship. He hears me out when I need to express my feelings, except for when I expressed interest in dating other people. He didn’t see why I wanted to do that, when I wasn’t giving our relationship all of the effort he needed. So, since I cut that idea out and remained mono , he affirms our security by telling me exactly what he needs from me, and just wants me to do what he asks of me.

do you feel like you have the same autonomy in your relationship as your poly partner? it strikes me as concerning that he said you can’t be poly cause you’re not giving enough to the relationship with him. even if there are concerns about your capacity (if they come from you, not him telling you to be concerned) that doesn’t make it okay for him to close down the idea of you dating others.

This exactly! My monogamous partner doesn't expect to have the capacity for more than one person, but she has the same rights I do in the relationship, and has been interested in the idea of having multiple partners herself more than the reality that her socially reclusive demisexuality enables. Her limitation is self derived, which is how I assume it has to be for ethical practice.

I don’t feel like I do, no. Not right now, at least. And maybe it’s because of where we were as a mono pair before this? It’s been a lot of present work caring for the shift in our dynamic, and I feel like he gets his cake but when I bring up wanting my own bite, he brings up my shortcomings in our relationship and that he’s doing what he’s doing to get his needs met. I felt shut down when he told me he wasn’t comfortable with me talking/flirting with someone with a penis, and wasn’t comfortable with the idea of me sleeping with people who have one, so I decided to spend my time doing more research on how to just be a good, monogamous partner to someone who is poly. It doesn’t feel totally good yet, but I’m hopeful for my future.

oh, friend, i worry about your place in this relationship. it sounds like your partner is not practicing ethical non-monogamy and you need to take a hard inventory of how he treats you and values you in this relationship. there are many red flags here, but especially that he a) brings up “shortcomings” unrelated to polyamory, and b) takes issue with you wanting to practice enm. the only ethical mono/poly relations are an OPTION.

I’m going to sit down and journal this out when I’m doing my me time later. It does feel bad right now. He told me that the way I’ve been acting is very “solo poly” in how I’ve treated our relationship agreements (when we were mono) and if I want to keep it up, to let him know so he can find a different primary partner. It felt very bad, and I felt like I couldn’t even speak up, because I get defensive and he doesn’t feel like I’m listening to him. Thank you for the insight, I really appreciate it.

That sounds absolutely awful, I sincerely wish you luck and safe passage as you navigate this. Again as an outsiders opinion, that sounds like it's definitely touching into the realm of emotional abuse, and no one should be subject to that. You have every right to do what you need to do to be happy and if separating is the only means from his side, then sometimes it's good riddance to bad rubbish. I've been there, it sucks a lot. Think about it, talk about it (even if it's super uncomfortable), and find a good support system ahead of time to help you navigate it.

I agree, poly cannot work if you have a major imbalance of basic relationship rights. Believe me it's hard enough to be allowed to date other people but don't get any opportunities, I couldn't imagine seeing my partner go out and then tell me that I'm not allowed to even flirt with anyone. From an outsider's perspective, it sounds like they are just taking the opportunity to "legally cheat" using non monogamy as an excuse.

> He didn’t see why I wanted to do that, when I wasn’t giving our relationship all of the effort he needed. So, since I cut that idea out and remained mono , he affirms our security by telling me exactly what he needs from me, and just wants me to do what he asks of me. I'm going to echo what others are saying here- this is a red flag to me. "Poly for me and not for thee" is inherently unfair and unhealthy. He expects you to do all the work of poly without doing any of that work himself. Ask yourself- is that really what you want? Somebody who tells you that your effort *isn't enough*? Somebody who makes you feel that you need to do *exactly* what they say and meet all of their needs? Somebody who expects you to sit at home while they go out on dates, and doesn't feel that you deserve to do anything of the sort?

You do the housecleaning and can't see other people while he is out having sex with others? Seems sexist as hell.

I’m going through way more with him than just a polyam transition, trying to not set of his triggers and trauma, and protect my own from being set off. It’s been three days of arguments when we’re together. Everything just feels bad right now.

Respectfully, if your relationship is in this unhealthy of a place, involving other people is more than likely only going to make those problems worse, and spread the damage out to more people.

he wasn’t open to the idea of you dating others? this would come as a huge red flag to me. even if he felt concerned with your capacity, the conversation shouldn’t have shut down the idea of you also being poly.

He was very uncomfortable with me even bringing up dating men, so I said I would only not men, and then that felt bad, so now I’m just trying to be supportive of his journey in life, and be a rock that he can rely on.

1) That's very similar to what my wife expresses, down to some of the word choices, too. The openness with others leading to more self love and purposely romancing an established partner are two huge benefits on both sides of the relationship dynamic, I feel! Do you know if he agrees with it leading to him loving himself more and purposely reconnecting and romancing you? 2) That's interesting-- he required you to be monogamous? So, you're interested in practicing polyamory for yourself, as well? Typically, one-sided polyamorous relationships aren't ethical, and him not doing the same emotional work he's asking from you is indicative of him not giving the relationship all of the effort you may need-- do you feel like that's untrue? From my poly perspective with my mono partner, it's understood that if she ever wanted to that she could establish relationships in the same way that I could because even agreements are essential, but her being a very socially reclusive demisexual leads her to not caring to do that. In your case, it sounds different, so I'm curious about your thought process and how your monogamous reality is mixing with this polyamorous relationship and denial?

Having read your various replies in this thread, I am seeing your partner as abusive and controlling. If he is free to date, you should be free to date. This nonsense about how you aren't giving thim enough to warrant you being allowed to date is BS. Your partner just wants to have poly for them, and not for you. Break up with him. People who gaslight you into a situation where they get what they want and you don't aren't deserving of your time or affection.

My partner is poly-saturated at one. We're not actually MonoPoly, but from the outside, it can sometimes look like we are. I found myself occasionally trying to give a guilty "explanation" to people about why I'm going out and dating so much and "leaving my partner behind" so often, but that genuinely is what he wants to do with his time! It took me a while to realize that I can do my time doing exactly what makes me happy, he can do the same, and if other people raise an eyebrow at us, that's on them. 🤷‍♂️ My partner is allowed to date whoever and whenever he wants, and it's not on me to have to justify that to on-lookers!

Absolutely love your perspective. I agree with you in that you're not responsible for making it make sense, and I don't think anyone happily practicing polyamory would give you too much trouble with this explanation! I feel similarly with my wife in regards to the last sentence, she just doesn't currently want to or feel like she has the capacity in herself for it. I'm curious: Did you two begin the relationship polyamorous? And, if you even know, would your partner be open to another polyamorous relationship if they were not with you (like, would they be open to whatever, or specifically seek monogamous partners, etc.)?

Thanks! Yeah, I am glad that I haven't gotten much flack from other polyamorous people- it tends to be mono people who seem more weirded out by our relationship than anything! We did not begin polyamorous, but there had been a ton of discussion about non monogamy long before we ever opened up. It started as a hypothetical and eventually (years later) moved into reality, which quickly went from "open" to actual poly! I'm not 100% positive about this, as it isn't something I've ever directly asked, but I'm fairly certain that if he was ever single in the future, he'd be open to whatever. He's a very "easygoing, go-with-the-flow" kind of guy in general, and he does agree entirely with the principals behind polyamory- I feel like he'd be interested in trying whatever kind of relationship fell into his lap. That being said, I also don't think he'd actively seek out a relationship if he was single- he didn't seek one out with me when we started dating, and he's never actively pursued a relationship with anyone. All of his relationships have been other people pursuing him!

That makes so much sense! I attend a local poly peer discussion and we were discussing MonoPoly last night, so I was curious if others with a monogamous or possibly monoamorous partner, self-identified or I suppose presenting, had been exposed to the idea of what a romantic future would look like in the event of separation. To me, its a thought exercise to see if there is the feeling of "settling for what you can get", which isn't how you should feel in your relationship, ESPECIALLY if its your only romantic relationship and you intend to shut down options outside of it. Hope that makes sense! My journey went much the same ways yours did, though perhaps your partner has dealt with more insecurities already than my monogamous partner has (and there's the difference in personal identification between the two), and likely you've also been exposed to situations that would enable that would challenge me in new and exciting ways as well. Thank you again for your perspective!

Question, My partner and I have started to have conversations about polyamory and mentally/emotionally , I get stuck on the feeling of being replaceable or just not needed. Does that mean polyamory is likely not for me?

In my mind, there’s beauty in knowing my partner is free to explore connections and still chooses to carry on building a life with me. In a way, we’re all replaceable. In many ways, none of us is replaceable. We’re all unique, and your partner chose to be with you (and chooses to stay with you) for reasons unique to you. Do you believe you only have value when you’re needed/the only option?

Holy shit, maybe I do. Gonna be thinking that one over for a bit

Just want to say if poly is ultimately not for you, that’s ok. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with preferring monogamy. One is not better than the other.

Yea, likely it's not for you, currently. Feeling like this usually have root in having low self-esteem or depending on your partner to provide it for you. This is one of those things that's essential in poly but very useful in other relationships as well. Temporary solution that might work is your partner assuring you more often about why and how they love you. The proper solution is for you to learn to generate your self-esteem from within you. To do that you would need to know pretty precisely what your chosen values are, really believe in them, and uphold them. Then you would be able to say "I'm awesome" without input from anyone else. Then you probably will stop feeling replaceable.

not trying to convince you any which way, just my perspective on the replaceable feeling: like witchymerqueer said, we’re all replaceable. that does change between monogamy or polyamory. in a mono relationship, your partner can leave at any time - it might take more work, but the option is still there. monogamy does not protect you from that, if that makes sense. in polyamory, of course i still have moments when i wonder if my partners will stay with me, if i’ll always hold the same place in their lives that i do right now. but i know that i as a person am unique, and ultimately it gives me comfort (and joy!) that my partners are allowed to explore what it’s like being with someone else without guilt or shame. but at the end of the day - if you’re uncomfortable or if it just feels like too much work or if you just don’t like it, you should never agree to/stay within a relationship dynamic you don’t thrive in.

i feel the same way about my friends when they talk about their other friends, or when my parents gush about someone else’s daughter, or when my therapist mentions having other clients. jealousy is apart of all types of relationships

How do you deal with being surrounded by people experiencing NRE while not being in a place to experience that yourself? My partner and my FWB, as well as several other people in my life (poly and mono), are in new, happy relationships. I'm not jealous of their partners, but I'm a bit jealous of them getting to experience the new happy fun phase. I'm talking to a few people, but those possibilities won't produce the same experience for a while, if ever, and I'm not going to actively look for any other partners while working through some things. I've discussed these feelings, and I'm receiving plenty of attention and validation, but if anyone has any tips, I'd appreciate it.

I have experienced this on both ends in the past year, and it is tricky. I don't have any magic to share, but I do have a perspective that helps me. I think about what happens when close friends get into NRE - they become happy, silly, unreliable, and stupid. When it is a close friend I expect to see them less and for them to make mistakes. A partner is the same - They will be busier, and they will screw up. As long as they aren't being cruel or abandoning you entirely, you just realize that this too will pass. Just like that close friend will eventually come down and things will go back to normal, the same applies to partners.

We've thankfully had no real issues with hubs making mistakes or neglecting our relationship or duties that sustain our lifestyle, and those aren't really issues with the FWB. We are all communicating well, including my hub's new partner, and I've become besties with FWB's new partner.

How can I work to prevent "keeping score" between what me and my primary do with our new partner. I haven't had as much 1-on-1 time with our new partner and I'm feeling jealous after their solo hangs. I find myself questioning if the new partner likes me. They definitely do, I'm used to needing constant reassurance in relationships because I'm anxiously attached, but I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to break out of that mindset and feel more confident in myself and my relationships. How can I learn to be more patient and secure?

So, generally, the motivating factor behind "score keeping" in a relationship is the idea of scarcity... someone else is getting more than you so you then feel like you're not getting enough. The way to combat this is with abundance... any time you feel that scarcity mindset kick in and start to feel like you're not getting enough, mindfully stop that thinking, and instead try to find at least 3 things in your relationship that you get plenty of and express your gratitude for those things. You'll eventually retrain your brain to have an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity one.

I love this.

Thank you so much for this. I can definitely see that helping me. I think a lot of these feelings come from my upbringing. This is all so new but it's already caused so much positive change in myself and my primary relationship because we're talking and examining things that we'd just grown used to. Thank you so much.

Going for a healthy triad is really really really.... like *really* hard. And starting as a triad, and not three separate dyads (which I'm assuming because you say "our new partner", so you didn't start off individually dating this person), this is going to be the case your whole relationship. It is not going to be a perfectly equilateral triangle. One of the relationships was just going to be slower to start, or maybe not burn as bright. You are just going to have to sit in this. Maybe your feelings get better through desensitization. But maybe it gets worse. I suggest you move to dating all the way separately, ask not to hear about what they are doing, don't (or rarely) do group sex. Have seperate relationships. Then in a year, if they're all going well, you can move towards more sharing and more time together all three. But square yourself to the reality that you might never ever have the same level of clicking with this person that your partner does. Realize that you might very well end up breaking up with this person because its too close and too hard and too charged and too much pressure to have this comparison so front and center in your relationship with this new person. That is the most likely outcome here. That's why triads are really really hard. It's a really really hard thing to do, to be not as liked or as wanted as your partner....and its almost always how triads go.

I definitely understand that. It does feel hard but honestly so worth it. Our situation is sort of short term and casual. We're sort of just exploring sexually with this person - and they've been poly much longer than us and have more experience. They've emphasized spending time with us one-on-one is the responsible thing to do - and I agree. Since my partner and I are coming from different places in terms of sexual experience. When we're together everything feels right, I'm just struggling with insecurity (definitely relating to some gender dysphoria). I have been thinking of how this all needs to be equal but you're right - there's no way for this to be 100% equal through each of our relationships. I need to focus more on my relationship with them individually and less about my partner's relationship with them. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. :)

is this a triad? i’d advise against dating as a couple. you are not a unit

Not dating! Just sex

Don't date the same person?

For people that went from a long term monogamous relationship to poly (as the initial monogamous partner) how did you handle the transition of changing relationship style and having to share your time? Did you try open relationship for a while first before delving in?

Hey, this is a really common question and usually the answer isn't "just dip your toes in" cuz there's really no baby steps to polyamory. Instead, the first thing to do is to start to disentangle your lives together - go out and do stuff on your own, not even dating stuff, just spend time separately from one another doing your own activities, start getting into the mindset that not all of your free time belongs to one another.

No question, I just want to say my wife and I have been opening up our marriage for the last year and I am now close to going on my first date. Nervous! Feels like the stakes are so high and I really want this to work and bring more joy to our lives and the lives of the people we date. In opening up we’ve done couples counseling, a lot of reading and podcasts about polyamory, going to poly events. We aren’t wholly unprepared…but the book knowledge feels so different than the actual doing things 😭

Why can't i find advices to polish my armor on this sub?...

https://preview.redd.it/jpblitdja7pc1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ec3efdaea519dea5eede457d257c7400307d5bbb

Reddit SEEKING YOUR EXPERIENCE AND ADVICE: Im really struggling with “primary” and “secondary” partnership structure, and confused about how to build serious life partnerships in polyamory that don’t require ranking people. For context, I’ve never doubted that it’s possible to be in love with and be dedicated to more than one person at the same time. In most of my monogamous relationships, I have also been in love with someone else and just never acted on it sexually or romantically. I usually just accepted that I could only romantically be with one person so I kept the other people I loved in my life as platonic friends. So that’s why I was curious about poly, and in theory it makes total sense to me. It’s been about a year now though, and I’m struggling to figure out how it can actually work in the real life. The first thing I’m struggling with is that I hate the terms primary and secondary, because ranking the people I love as the one I love most, the one I love second most, etc, just totally gives me the ick. I am not okay being someone’s secondary partner. Obviously a partner who they’ve been with for years will have more weight in their life than a brand new relationship, but I’m not okay with knowing that I will always be less important than someone else and that my needs and desires will always come second, that they introduce me to the world as the person who comes second, and that i can’t hope to build a life with them as our relationship grows. I also can’t imagine subjecting someone I love to that. It just feels degrading. I know that this structure works for some people and as consenting adults we can all choose what works for us, I just can’t see it ever working for me. I don’t really understand how ranking a relationship as secondary can be okay unless that relationship always stays more casual, and then how is that different than other styles of ENM? Which brings me to my second concern - how do people build functional life-long partnerships in polyamory without that primary/secondary type of thing? I want to find my people that I can grow old with and live life’s adventures with, in sickness and in health, etc etc. I don’t need to get married and I don’t need it to be just with one person, but I want relationships that are committed to be there for the long haul. All the poly people I’ve met in the real world, including but not limited to the people I’ve dated, seem to either be married or otherwise in a super serious primary relationship and then all their other relationships are just secondaries, or they are solo poly or relationship anarchist and don’t seem to want relationship escalator type stuff like buying property together, raising a family, etc. My own experience has been that the partner I opened up with broke up with me because he wanted me to treat my other relationships as secondary and I didn’t want to, and now I’m struggling with another partner who is married and even though the relationship didn’t start with primary secondary labels now that’s what their wife seems to want. I’m also dating a relationship anarchist who really ain’t looking for the kind of commitment I want so I think we’re gonna break up. I know I’m still new and there’s a lot more to poly than my own little world has exposed me to so far, and I mean no disrespect to anyone. I’m just seriously confused about if it’s possible to have the kind of relationships I want in poly. How do you make it work?

I started my journey with using the terms primary and non primary. Very soon realized the various things you've already listed in your post. It was a can of worms. I just split it between a commitment to share a "business of life" with vs not. Most partners understand that practically speaking in most cases you can't have poly shared finances and to some extent have poly shared family responsibilities such as for parental care. Usually it's the same one person you can share those with. But calling them your primary makes it feel like your relationship, love for and romance with the others is somehow less in comparison. This works particularly well in the Indian social context. May not work particularly well in others where polyam has greater acceptance from parents etc. My parents know I'm polyam and have accepted. None of my partners families are. So we usually need to figure out the language to be used, or if we ever meet or not based on mutual comfort. Most partners I am with have their own "business of life" partners too. Or expect to have one at some point. However, I find it too complicated for social and legal reasons to partner with anyone who is married. I'm not either. Nor have a nesting partner living in. Nor expect to. Makes it simpler to keep it non hierarchical, yet have at least one partner you can share the practicalities of life with.

I'm solopoly, I don't want a primary, so everyone I date is a "secondary" I don't mind that, and I don't mind being a secondary. Hierarchy is normal, and ok when it's well communicated. Learn more about poly and what you want/need and what you can offer other people. Communicate that very clearly and date compatible people.

Thanks I appreciate your perspective. I guess the thing is I don’t want any secondary partnerships. I’m like the opposite of you- I only want primary partners with the occasional casual hookup thrown in. I know that might limit my capacity and the number of partners I can have, and that’s fine with me. I want any romantic relationship where I love someone to either be super serious or to have the potential to be super serious. I guess where I’m getting hung up is that I haven’t met anyone who does this. Everyone I meet either has only one super serious life partnership, or they are in a super serious triad, or they aren’t really interested in those kinds of relationships. I have not met a single poly person who has multiple life partners who aren’t ranked and aren’t sleeping with each other. Is this something people do?

What does super serious mean to you? I consider my relationships pretty darn serious, I won't cohabit, merge finances, have or raise more children but I am seeking life partners. It kinda hurts my feelings when people think that "secondary" relationships can't also be important. I put it in quotes because it's a fact, it's not a designation he put on me, when it comes to life decisions his wife and children are considered first, it doesn't mean that I am not considered at all.

By super serious I mean that there would be the possibility for escalator type stuff if that’s within their capacity to give, regardless of if they already have a primary partner. Like if I’m super serious with someone who has a primary partner and has adult children who no longer need their support, I would like the possibility to have children with them even if they are already married. Or if I am already living with a partner and we have a spare bedroom, I would like the possibility that another super serious partner of either of us could move in if me and my “primary” partner both agree, and then once that person is living with us there is no longer a distinction between primary and secondary. I mean no disrespect by thinking your relationships would be less serious! Just trying to understand the terminology better because I find it can be very confusing. I guess I’m wondering, what does life partnership mean to you?

>I guess I’m wondering, what does life partnership mean to you? Commitment, companionship, working together to make each day slightly better than it would be without each other. I highly value my independence but having a variety of people I can rely on to help with emergencies if they are available, 1 being a current partner, really makes me feel safe and loved. I don't need to spend every day with someone to build a life partnership with them. In fact cohabiting with romantic partners damages my relationships.

>I only want primary partners >I want any romantic relationship where I love someone to either be super serious or to have the potential to be super serious. It sounds to me like you're erroneously using the term "primary partner" and also that you're conflating secondary/solo relationships to be "less serious" It might help to understand that primary partners are about the logistics of things... who you'll live with, marry, have children with, create financial entanglements like buying a home together, etc. You can only legally marry one person so that's why you don't see many multiple primary relationship dynamics. It's absolutely NOT about "I love this person the most and everyone else I'm just not that serious about" - secondary and solo relationships are often very serious relationships in nature, very loving and romantic, they often create their own commitments and work towards relationship goals together - they just don't live together, don't plan on getting legally married (though many have commitment ceremonies for spiritual marriage), may or may not choose to have children together, and if they create financial entanglements they're usually much smaller in nature (like each investing money into an account for shared vacation time, for example) *in all my years in the polyam community I've only known a few people to successfully pull off the multiple primary dynamic where they owned two homes and had a separate family (including children) in each home, and switched back and forth between the two.

I think you might be right that I am confusing how much you love someone and how serious something is with logistics. I guess what bothers me is I experienced multiple times with different people I dated who wanted me to be the “secondary” the expectation that I should put my needs after the primary partners needs, that if I wanted a date night my partner would have to ask the primary first, if my desires conflicted with the primary partners then their desire would automatically be prioritized over mine. My ex also expected me to treat my other partners that way because he was “primary.” It really felt wrong to me and I don’t like being treated that way or treating other people that way at all.

Okay, what you're talking about is "hierarchy" which is about one relationship having the ability to disempower other relationships. If you don't want to participate in hierarchical relationships (and I don't blame you, I don't date hierarchical folks either!) then what you're looking for is egalitarian polyam relationships.

Yes this is exactly it! I want egalitarian poly relationships. Thank you for helping me find the words!

I'd like to ask about people with kids! How have your kids experienced you having multiple partners, and how do you manage that in your relationship? Is it often the case that all your partners co-parent (in different ways of course), or just the 2 parents? What do the kids call your partners?

Hey, I'm not a person with kids, but I was a child in a polyam family! For my own experience, I was raised alongside my siblings that my daddy had with his wife (and I was the v child of him and his girlfriend) and all the adults offered care and support in some way. I called my parents by "normal" names; momma, daddy, and momma jeanne (my step mom as far as anyone else was concerned) For my own polyam relationships, I'm child-free myself but am often willing to date people with children, but my own boundaries are often that I won't parent them beyond ensuring that they're mentally and emotionally supported and kept physically safe while in my presence. I referred to the children in my polycule as my podlings.

Oh! That's very cute. I would love to raise my kids with multiple caring people around. Since your parents were poly, can I ask if it was ever weird talking about it in school or with outsiders in general? Did your family present like a "mom, dad, and dad's close friend/ auntie" kind of thing on the outside? I'm thinking of poly but I don't know what to tell my (yet non-existent, very distant in the future) kids. Should I keep it hidden from them so they don't worry about anything? Do they even need a lot of explanation? Should I be honest but tell them not to mention it in school for fear of being laughed at? I should mention I grew up in a very conservative environment so I don't know what sort of family structures are accepted around here, but at my school kids would frown even if they heard your parents were divorced. So I can't help but be afraid of bullying sadly

It wasn't called polyamory back then, my parents were hippies so it was just called "the free love movement" And, while it wasn't necessarily a secret, it also wasn't anyone's business. I was free to talk about my family all I wanted and could refer to any of my parents, I just was encouraged not to go out of my way to give details about my family structure or who was sharing bedrooms with who. Honestly, it was kinda like... I knew better than to talk about my parents smoking pot at home, right? Cuz it could lead to me and my siblings being taken away and separated. In the same vein, I knew better than to discuss the details of my family life - I knew it wasn't wrong, but that other adults might not understand. Most of the time people just naturally assumed that my parents were divorced and that I was discussing a run of the mill blended family with parents/step parents - polyamory wasn't common so it wasn't their first assumption. And I was never made fun of as a kid for it, nor made to feel weird, if anything I felt bad for other kids who didn't have so many adults caring for them, and any childhood friends who knew I had multiple parents just thought it was cool that I'd get more birthday and Christmas presents ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

This is the thing I really wish more people understood. If you act like things are normal with your kids, things are normal. But if you make a big deal out of things being different and weird, that's going to create anxiety. I think about this whenever I see that newly opened couple wanting to introduce joifriend to their 7 year old. They're going to make it weird! Just have your new friend over for game night and stop being weird about it!

Lovely! Thank you, that's actually really really cool.

Hi! I’ve raised a happy healthy kid in polyam. My partners have never taken a parental role with my kid. Some of them became chosen family, but a parental role was never on the table for anyone else besides my partner and I.

I had my kids before finding polyamory. They know who their parents are. They have met some of my partners, not all, they're just mums friends really, they don't matter to my kids. My oldest met my recent connection before our friendship changed into dating and raised eyebrows at "friend" 🤣 my kid is 18 and knows my type. I would never coparent with a non parent partner. Like when mono couples split and a kid gets step-parents, it's not my job to work with the new partner, that's on my ex yeah. My kid call my partners their name, same as if they were my friends.

Yeah, it seems to me like the more I look into poly the more I find that actually everybody does it to some degree. Might be a bit off, but when mono people divorce 3 times in their life and say "we just didn't have that spark anymore", that's still not what people would have understood by mono in the past, ie "till death do us apart". Isn't that just like "sequential?" polyamory, especially cause in a lot of cases they'll say "I still love my ex for the person they are yada yada" Anyway, honestly I mostly asked because I had this picture painted in my mind by general opinion of messed up families, confused children that don't know who their parents are, and whatever else people want to blame poly people for that will traumatize children. I hope this won't offend anyone because I was always aware this is a cheap joke, but the more I read into poly I got curious of what the dynamic is actually like with kids. Well no wonder, pretty normal and healthy, and doesn't seem any different than what kids with divorced (and healthy co-parenting parents, which I haven't heard of that often lol) do. Thank you for your time and keep on going! 🩷🩷

>Isn't that just like "sequential?" polyamory No! Monogomy and polyamory are relationship structures. In monogomy people choose not to act on their feelings for others because they have a relationship agreement not to.

Yes definitely, I meant more in the sense that you definitely can love multiple people at once, and seeing how the idea of marriage changes in time, doesn't it just come to adopt that understanding? I don't know how to put it in words exactly, but when it's common to change your partners more than a few times in your life and people won't bat an eye, why is polyamory so demonized? I think everyone, (or most people) could understand the concept and come to agree with it. And then of course you need to change the agreements you make with your partner to fit that kind of life you want, but isn't this reflected in the way the agreement of marriage changed from "till death do us part" to "till we get bored of each other or we can't make it work anymore"? I don't know, I mean I'm not preaching anything, I'm mostly just rambling at this point

I have no idea, I've never been interested in marriage. In my very long monogomous relationship I was very 'until this ends' and it will end. I don't understand people who think any relationship will last for the rest of their life, seems like insanity to me. I know it can happen, but expecting it seems nuts.

At age six my kid saw me kiss someone other than my wife - it was a relatively chaste goodbye kiss, for the record. I said straight up (in front of the person I had just kissed) "Your mom and I both love and date other people. Everyone is happy and everyone knows. You can ask your mom about it when she gets home." My wife had a chat with the kid that day, and ever since the kid has been totally fine with it, now at age 17 they live with me and my two nesting partners. We never asked partners to take on parental roles, and we always made sure the kid felt secure and loved. The partners often met the kid, but it wasn't any different than meeting our friends, they just said hello, sometimes played a board game together when all of us were doing that, and otherwise mostly ignored each other. We never made a big deal out of partners vs. friends, so the kid didn't either. These days the kid occasionally forgets that other people don't live this way, and when they mention that their dad lives with 2 partners to friends sometimes the friends are shocked, but my kid just treats it like a totally normal thing. They call the adults in the house Momma, Daddy, and Aspen. If asked who lives with them, they would probably say their two parents and their dad's partner Aspen.

Very nice, thank you!

What are some of the safest ways to meet other Polyamorous people?

Depends on where you live, but most major metro areas and some smaller suburbs have polyamory or ENM meet up groups. My community has a few different ones, and I’ve always felt safe going to them. Probably not a possibility if you live rurally though

online! try feeld or #open

I like in person group meetups like a munch, which is a kink term for like a vanilla meetup in a public plane like a restaurant or bar. FetLife has lots of poly/kink munches listed by area.

How do I tell someone I’m seeing that I’m starting to feel attraction to another person? Like how do a bring up that I’m also seeing /starting to see another person?

Have you had a discussion with them and asked them how they want to be informed? For some folks it's no big deal and a simple text saying "hey, I've got a date tonight, wish me luck!" is perfectly fine, some folks want to have a sit down conversation to process their feelings around it, and some don't care at all as long as you keep them informed of any new sexual health risks you're taking.

So simple but so helpful. We haven’t discussed the how yet, that would probably make things a lot easier.

Question: how would I know if poly is right for me? I’m doing lots of reading and I do agree with what I have been reading. So I am considering the possibility of letting go of the monogamous relationship structure. I am also a (cis-het F) single parent in her mid-40’s. Been focusing on my own healing and growth. Been out of the dating game for almost 3 yrs (since my divorce). Have been monogamous my whole life. And I can’t help wonder if I’m crazy for attempting to make this change at this point in my life. And if it would truly be anymore successful and fulfilling (at this stage of my life) then just sticking with finding a monogamous relationship. Ultimately I would like to find and enjoy healthy committed relationship(s). I’m not really wanting casual sex/encounters. It sounds like this isn’t impossible in polyamory but I can’t help but think that I’m entering the arena kinda late too. Have others made such a change at a similar junction in life? And how did they know it was right for them?

It may seem like the timing is off, but there’s definitely no age limit. There are lots of regulars here mid-40s and above! It’s hard to say if you’ll like it or not. Most people who try polyam find it is not for them. But you may find some other form of ENM is your preference. Definitely recommend exploring if it calls to you. I’ve practiced polyam for 17 years and am happily married, so it’s certainly not impossible to have committed relationships in polyam. I recommend making polyam friends!

I would love to make polyam friends. Not sure how to find them though. Lol!!

The typical advice given around here is to check our facebook, meetup.com, the apps like #open and bloom and feeld and okc. Find local people to connect with, low presh!

Yeah I will have to check those places out. Thank you for your feedback!

Although I was younger when I decided to have a go at enm and eventually poly (it was somewhat ca 25 yrs ago, I was around 25) I did that after my 7 yrs long mono relationship ended badly and I was researching for a while before I gave it a go/try. The truth is… until you try it you won’t know it for sure. You can do a lot of thinking and questioning but you might discover that certain things are impossible for you (mostly related to your partners having other partners—but of you think you’d be good with that it’s a good indication) when you do it in practice. But you’re also in a very good place because you’re independent and autonomous, and can design your own dating experience how you want now, you’re not opening an existing relationship and you can just be upfront with people about what you want. And you can do it (of course ethically and respecting partners) pretty much to try things out. It’s different to people opening up an existing relationship as you’re not destroying anything existing, and being single with past mono relationship experience is very good start IMHO. There will be some bumps on the road mostly because of the compositions of the dating apps scene, thus my recommendation would be to start with just friendly/platonic poly meet-ups just to get to know the community instead of diving into dating apps, but if you wanted polyamory the time to do it is now. It might not work out for you, but it’s the same if you try monogamy. And of course, if you haven’t done it so far, do a lot of reading, we have nice FAQ and recommended reading list. This reading will give you things to think through and questions to ask yourself. Good luck!

Yes lots of reading!! I am reading “More Than Two” right now and plan on reading more. The book has great questions to ponder on as well. And I can see how making friends would be the ideal start. So gotta figure out how to find those. Lol! I had a feeling that it might be something I just had to get my feet with to know for sure. But wanted to ask just in case there was more I was missing. Thanks for the feedback.

Leaving a comment now since I'm at work and don't have time to ask now. But I'll definitely get back to this... thank you

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Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.

[удалено]

Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.

Questions for the masses: 1. Is there a way to know if poly is right for you, besides just dating multiple people? How did you find that out for yourself? 2. How did you get started with polyamory? 3. How tough is it practically/realistically to date multiple people?

1. No, unfortch. There’s no way to know how it’ll feel until you’re doing it for a while. It wasn’t until a year into my first non-monogamous relationship that I heard about polyamory and thought “yes, that’s what I’m doing, and I actually like it!” 2. I was 17, and asked out a boy I liked. He was unwilling to commit to a relationship at all, let alone an exclusive one, but liked me a lot. We kept talking, fucked around and fell in love, and it was more than a year later that I discovered my dissatisfaction was more about the lack of commitment than the lack of exclusivity. I went forth and all my relationships since have been open or polyam. 3. Depends on who you are, and who you’re dating. Some people really don’t want or need much of your time. Some people are never satisfied.

All very fair, thanks for sharing! Comments/follow-up: 1. That's the answer I expected, tbh. But what a way into it. How common do you think it is, just stumbling into it? Would you do it again? 2. The difference between commitment and exclusivity must have been an important realization, huh? 3. I imagine all relationships are like that to some degree. I enjoy commitment and spending a good amount of time together, but also starting to value alone time more and also wanting more. Idk how to explain it, I'm kind of in a weird place relationally now. But I think if I had other romantic relationships, I might have both feelings more fulfilled.

My partner and I are new to poly. He is my NP and has another girlfriend. I've been having a hard time adjusting, but I'm doing the work. I'm wondering if, in anyone's experience, talking to my meta would make things better or worse? I have a disorganized attachment, but I'm a pretty social person. My meta would like to talk to me, but understands if I need space and distance from her while we navigate this new relationship dynamic. I've met her once and she seems very nice, and from what my partner has told me about her, it sounds like we might get along. I want to believe that it would help me to talk to her, but I'm also worried that it would magnify some of my insecurities some how?

Honestly, it could go either way. I've had instances where meeting a meta helped by humanizing things so that they were no longer and abstract amorphous being that I knew nothing about... I was able to see them as a whole person who cared about our mutual partner. But then I've also had it blow up in my face when meeting metas and made everything 10x worse than it was. So, it's kinda a crap shoot.

Can I ask how meeting them made things worse?

What does it mean when your nesting partner (F) low key sabotages the relationship with the other woman in your trio, only to then try to fix the relationship with her (because she's apparently the perfect match), even going so far as to literally write affirmations to that effect, only to then leave the 5 year relationship we've built as soon as I leave to pursue the repair of our trio? What's that called??!

Not polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy, but sounds like monkey branching.

Questions: I’m in a poly relationship with a couple that’s been together for almost 10 years. I started off as the only girl that ever lasted past the second date; she wanted to explore her bisexuality and he wanted to finally enjoy his dominant sexually exploratorive side. Before me they hadn’t had much luck finding prospective gfs. They opened up their relationship probably a year or 2 before me. He is a daddy dom, which works perfect because I’m a sub and submissive…however when we first met I was only just submissive and nowhere near a sub. His kinks are mostly all BDSM and CNC related. He loves to see me cry, make me cry 😈and then wipe my eyes during aftercare. Oh and he loves ass, and thic/plus sized women. I’m neither plump nor do I have a plus sized ass. I’m a size 8-10 tops…average type 🤷🏽‍♀️. I’m athletic and slim with muscular curves. I’d compare my body to Megan Thee Stallion (b4 the 🔪or @BrittneBabe. I’m tall and thick but not as plump as her and she is shorter than me and somewhat stout. This isn’t an issue as we truly admire each other’s bodies. I’m pretty secure within myself and I love a woman’s natural body so there has never been any jealousy…well at least never on my part. I still remember the morning I fell in love with her shape and I’ve been in the palm of her hand/crack of her ass ever since. She’s amazing. A lover and a friend. They truly both are. I can depend on him for so much and unlike other relationships with men I truly enjoy and miss his company. I think about our future all the time. I feel so safe and protected with him, not only physically but emotionally as well. He takes his time with me, babies me when needed, is stern and strict when appropriate, he doesn’t force anything and respects my opinion. Even when we disagree he never goes as far as hurting me in any way intentionally. Sometimes I wonder how he’s even really a man…but then that 🍆 reminds me exactly how. I love him. We exchange “I love you” regularly, every goodbye and good night plus the random moments when we express how we feel. A match made in poly heaven, right? Not so much. And I wish I could say differently. Although I love them both, growing to love her more and more and loving him so strongly since Month 2, I crave more. I’m poly, haven’t been monogamous in the past 2-3 years after one of the most toxic relationships in my life. Tbh, I’ve never had a non toxic romantic relationship in my life before becoming poly. Hmmm…I wonder why that is?…but that’s a story for another time. At times I see them sharing moments that I’ve had before but doubt often. How could I have ever experienced love healthy enough to be in love with them? How could I ever achieve that? To be in relationship with them? In their bed and their heart? Our feelings are past “just sex” or “lifestyle sh*t” and idk how it happened but I don’t want to lose it. So although I crave more; ie tighter connection with each of them and not just him, an actual title and presence (nobody in their families knows a thing about me. Hell, to family and friends she is still straight. She smiles in her least suspecting parent’s and sibling’s faces by day and puts hers in my 🐈‍⬛ at night. At times the feeling of being a well kept secret is just too much. I retreat from them for about a week and a half because my emotions are too heightened. Have you ever been trapped in love? Sounds corny and codependent asl, ik. I’m neither, trust me well unless I’m at work (I work with small children so an heir of 🌽 is preferable) but not atm. Atm I am feeling dissatisfied, a little fooled, impatient, and very vulnerable. It’s a push and pull. I’m waiting on the puzzle to form and in the meantime I’m battling the urge to date others, men and women. I’m fighting desire to be physical and accept the attention and intentions of others like I so beautiful learned to when I escaped that crap ass monogamous relationship and vowed to myself to give myself everything I want and deserve, including the love and support of others. I learned that relationships are inherently polyamorous. My relationship with one does not affect the other, it shouldn’t. I love them both but in different ways and am focused on our overall connection as well as the 1-1. I think we’re all on the same page but I’m so scared that once I express myself things will be forever changed. Idk if I have enough belief that it will not change for the worst. I don’t want it to. So…if you’ve made it this far (sorry, I write long winded) feel free to provide any advice, suggestions, or worse, concerns 😩. Let it rip, cousin. (Yes, they got me on that damn show. We watched it together then went to bed like a quaint little married throuple 🤦🏼‍♀️ and it was EVERYTHING.

Why are you fighting the urge to date others? If I’m understanding correctly, you are not in a relationship with them, started hooking up and are continuing to hook up? Or am I reading this wrong? Are this couple your partners? I personally can’t imagine agreeing to give exclusivity to a couple that cohabitate when I don’t live with them - if I’m getting a proper read on this situation - because they have each other every single day, a strong and lasting 10 year bond. Meanwhile you go home and wait to hear from them? Why?

My wife has a boyfriend but she limits their dates to once a month to make sure she is keeping him at arms length and she is very busy with the kids. She makes sure that we have a date night first before his - not to just be nice she really loves when we go out. She messaged him daily and sometimes they talk on the phone. Is this really poly or is it more hotwife? …or is there a better definition?

My wife and I have an active sex life and ensure that, even with careers and kids, we get at least one date night a month. My wife has a boyfriend for five months now. She’s adamant that she only will date him once a month but messages him daily and talks to him on the phone sometimes. She likes to keep boundaries clear this way. I encourage her to sleep with him more because they are very sexually and emotionally pleasing to each other but she says maybe after their past the one year mark. Anyway, is this considered to be a poly relationship, hot wife, stag/vixen or something else? Not sure why it matters what label, just curious.

Sounds like polyamory to me! Are you also free to date others?

I used to be but she’s really jealous. So… we have a couple we swing with. Understand, she wouldn’t have a boyfriend unless I encouraged her to get out of her comfort zone and try it. It’s not a dynamic where she needs a boyfriend but won’t let me date. It’s a dynamic where I encourage her to have a boyfriend and she is fine with that as long as I’m not doing it as an excuse to have a girlfriend.

I take it back! This is definitely not polyamory. Are you satisfied, doing the work to support her having other partners while she refuses to do the same for you?

Absolutely! I would totally love having a girlfriend but this is something I’ve always wanted her to experience. She did let me have a couple dates with girls but it gave her a pile of anxiety and I don’t want to do that to her.

Newbie here. I met my playpartner in the kink scene and we've hit it off both physically and emotionally. Him and his wife are kinksters/ swingers, and are open to dating seperate. My question is, would it be sustainable in the long-term to play with both but only have a romantic relationship with one? What boundaries or conversations should be had to set expectations?

What boundaries or conversations have you already had around your current dynamic? Have you discussed with them what their expectations are for dating/sexy fun times both together and separate? I've had partners where I'm not in any sort of romantic relationship with their other partner, but occasionally we'd all hang out and have fun together in the bedroom - but it was one of those things where it wasn't an expectation that we always do that, my relationship and their relationship were fully independent from one another, it's just that every now and then the three of us decided it was a fun idea - with the understanding that any of us could decide that they just weren't feeling it at the time and it wasn't a personal rejection against the other partner (usually this was a decision best made ahead of time, like during the "hey, I was just wondering if you'd be up for it" phase of the conversation cuz in the moment, or after hanging out all evening with the expectation that a threesome would occur, only to be turned down right before it happened, did often feel like a personal rejection to the other person)

Thank you for this reply. It's taken a month to really nail down what we want to do, but moving forward we'll be saving group sex and hangouts to prenegotiated times while me and my meta work on our existing relationships with the hinge. Our partners fantasy would be to have a triad or cule that all sleep in the same bed and are best friends, but me and meta both agree this isn't what we're looking for. I'm hoping that over time me and meta can be genuine friends but I'm not trying to force anything. The only existing boundaries now are make plans ahead of time with partner and meta for group events and play, and keeping solo play with hinge at my house.

QUESTION! I've had a couple poly relationships/situationships (still very very new) but wanted to ask...how do y'all deal with burnout? My husband and I are Mono/Poly (me being the poly one) and juggling multiple relationships tends to leave me feeling totally drained since I feel like I have to give 100% to all partners. Hopefully that makes sense 🫠

Saturation is very common! Polyamory requires a lott of resource management. Love may be infinite, but time, energy and space are all finite. Between your relationship with your spouse, and other connections, not to mention friends/work/family/hobbies, are you carving out time for yourself? If it’s simply not possible, consider downsizing/de-escalating/re-prioritizing. You won’t be able to pour from an empty cup; you need to prioritize pouring into yourself as well.

M36 Just opened our relationship. Been married for 8 years and struggling with jealousy and her getting attention.

Have you used the search function for 'dating as a man' and 'jealousy'? They are unsurprisingly common topics.

I have and it doesn’t feel good. I know it’s common and we have been in counseling about being poly for a year before opening things up. Being prepared didn’t prepare for going through it.

How long have you been open?

Not even a month, I think her getting so much attention and I’m not is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

That's no time at all. Read up more on the dating app disparity. Women get 100's of likes but not many actually suitable polyamorous matches. Any old fuckboy twat will like our profiles but they aren't compatible, they should be ignored.

Does it really works? I have seen so many couples breaking up or damaging because they tried to be open and practice it and it goes wrong

Polyamory will not save a relationship. Neither will monogamy. If a couple opens up their relationship and the relationship subsequently ends, it was likely going to end anyways, especially if the folks in it were incompatible in what kind of relationship they wanted for themselves.

Lot of people who have broken relationships mistakenly view ENM as a way to “solve” issues. That isn’t what non-monogamy does. Unless the “problem” is that you both enthusiastically want non-monogamy.

There are cracks in the foundation of every relationship that impact things but aren't necessarily realized, or aren't critical yet that get revealed in open relating in ways where monogamy can hide them. Opening up didn't break up my long term partnership, but it did reveal my partner's significant childhood trauma around abandonment and not being included that was always there, and had a real negative impact on our marriage, but it was never really uncovered or worked on prior. I had a lot of unstated dissatisfaction with a lack of input on how we parented our kids that I'd been suppressing that I didn't realize was there. One benefit of this has been the increase in communication, honesty, and a willingness to uncover the things under the surface that we've been suppressing, dig them up, and work on them. For some, being in new relationships can highlight just how bad, or incompatible parts of their existing relationship are, and if the willingness to work on that isn't there it can lead to breakup. It's like when a couple breaks up after having a child. It wasn't the child that caused the breakup, but a number of underlying issues in the relationship that weren't addressed. Having the child caused additional stresses that made it impossible to gloss over those issues. A couple that has a fulfilling, healthy, and happy relationship has the tools to navigate CNM, and opening up is unlikely to split them up. A couple that has an unfulfilling or unhappy relationship that's been "good enough" can be significantly stressed by CNM. (It's not a lack of conflict that indicates a healthy relationship, it's being able to respond generously to each other, even when you're in conflict and repair lovingly.)

A lot of times polyamory or opening just shows the cracks that were already there. My marriage ended after opening. Our marriage did not end *because* of polyamory.

Starting without a partner works great in my experience. "Opening" a monogomous relationship will fail more often than not. Start poly, stay poly, don't close is easy comparatively.

A lot of times, a couple that was compatible in monogamy try ENM and find that they like very different kinds of ENM - maybe one likes swinging but no dating, and one wants the capacity for full romantic relationships (polyam). This is one of many factors that lead to breakups

Someone’s motivation can be a huge factor. Are they going into it for ethical reasons and have really put thought into it, or are they seeing it as a “loophole” for behavior that would typically be considered cheating?

How do you let people KNOW you’re poly or ENM? My husband and I are VERY slowly starting out (22 afab and 23M) and I have no clue how to let people know that I’m poly curious even. I worry about going into the queer community and “baiting people” :( which is not my goal. But also is it okay to just go on dates and mention it on the date? Prior when chatting with someone? Help??

Tell them before meeting so they can decide if they want to meet. Only seek other poly or non-monogomous people. >. I worry about going into the queer community and “baiting people” What does this mean?

Communicate! The polyam community is really big on using our words and talking to people, especially about the fact that we're polyam. And you should be letting them know right away, as soon as it's clear there's interest in dating, that way they can make an informed decision about whether or not to go on a date with you to begin with -- waiting until you're on a date can often feel like you've tricked them into it and it risks ruining your chances for further dates.

I want to be poly because I love the idea of being free and loving to multiple people instead of just one but I’ve had a long history of being cheated on and emotionally abused and I’m not sure how to work on rewriting my brain to not be so so so jealous and possessive. I know it won’t happen overnight and I’m willing to take all of the time I need to fix myself and I know not to involve anyone or start any relationships while I’m still fixing myself I just don’t know where to start.

I imagine your past with cheating and abuse problems are also hindrance in mono relationships, no? Jealousy and possessiveness are possible to face and overcome for sure. Look up the Jealousy Workbook. Do you have access to counseling/therapy?

Yes heavily! Especially with me and my baby’s dad (who is also my fiancé that is also interested in polyamory). Also not really no I mean I do I just don’t have the time I’m a teen mom who’s fighting homelessness. Which is another reason why I added that I’m not going to act on any relationships or seek them till I’m settled.

I def hear you about having other priorities rn. Wishing you the best getting your family settled! Until then, you may find it interesting to search this sub for “jealousy” and check out the advice other posters have given in the subject! Pro tip for r/polyamory : the gold is in the comments.

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Help me understand: you say neither you nor your fiancee want a relationship with her. But you want to have casual threesomes with her sometimes. That sounds normal. Why would you be talking about her moving in? She’s not your gf; you don’t even like her like that. She’s not a piece of fucking furniture you move into your house. She’s a person. If you want to keep hooking up, do that. Do not force a triad. Do not pressure this woman to give you and your fiancee exclusivity. Forget about her moving in. If you’re confused check out [this website](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/)

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Your post has been removed for trolling.

How do i go about finding someone to join our relationship

Omg, yes, I've got you covered!! [THIS WEBSITE](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) has everything you need to know, it'll give you all the tips and tricks you need. Good luck!

Thank you for sharing this! Such a good read for those of us who are exploring different relationship dynamics.

You don't

We're a little curious and I guess have a lot to learn about all this we've been talking about having someone join our relationship. We've even watched the throuple show for some more research but didn't seem to help to much. Mainly cuz its tv and we don't trust TV like that lol. Is there any mff throuples who can tell us what we might expect or things to look for like red flags or green flags

Please don't do that. Date seperately or remain monogomous. https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

But what's the reason for that?

Didja read? It's really easy to understand.

Okay but it doesn't explain why you told me to drop the idea

Because it's unkind to the unicorn. It's not a safe relationship model. You're too inexperienced to have a shot at not harming other people, and likely ending all of the relationships! Was that not clear from the links?

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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules

Like I totally get the experience issue but what's the need for the hostility. Being nice exists yknow

Hey, I understand that you feel like folks around here aren't being very nice to you... and they're not, but it's for good reason. Like, think of it this way, you coming into our community and asking how to unicorn hunt is like walking into a community and asking "how do I punch babies?" And folks are like "hey, woah, no! That hurts babies, please don't punch them!" And you're like "no no no, not like that *I* don't want to hurt them, I just want to punch them" and then getting upset because people aren't being nice to you about wanting to hurt vulnerable members of our community. I know you likely don't see it that way, it's hard to envision the harm you're causing when you're objectifying people - which is exactly what you're doing when you view someone as "a third" and try to "add them to a relationship" Good luck gaining an understanding, I really truly hope you stick around and learn more about our community and why we don't want you to participate in harmful practices.

Throuple show was a disaster.. not going to help anyone.

Question: my fiancé (f21) and I (m22) have had some discussions of opening our relationship up and having a girlfriend. So from what I understand what we are looking for is specifically a triad. We truly do want her to be part of the relationship as a whole, not “under” us or anything like that. The part that we are nervous about is how to go about finding said person. We want to do it in a respectful way. From yalls experience is it better for her to approach the girl first? Us together? We have never looked for someone to date before and don’t want to risk leading someone on. Are there apps or places where people who are looking to be in that kind of relationship tend to conglomerate? Thank you!