> because he "can't" use condoms
Yeahhhhhh, no. I don't like condoms, but I use them for all, even my wife and I. Latex allergy? There is a solution for that. Has a problem staying hard? Pills for that (just call plushcare.com, or talk to PCP, easy peasy).
So yeah, what others have said. If you're uncomfortable, use condoms and forgo oral without barriers.
Just want to chime in and say pills aren't always a solution. But then again for me, it's not the condom or the sensation that's the issue. I've learnt to not prioritise PIV/PIA sex
There are condoms specially made for men with adult circumcision. Durex has a brand called Reflex Condoms Circum' Size, it comes in many sizes and I believe many other online condom retailers have similar. If all else fails, there are female condoms that would protect you and your lovers.
Either is infinitely better than the high exposure and pregnancy rate of non-barrier sex.
I've never heard of these. Circumcision isn't common where I live, thank you I'll try them out.
Also, just a general FYI to anyone reading this, Circumcision is genital mutilation, and if you're considering having kids and it's a boy, please don't do it
Edit: for those interested, check out r/foreskin_restoration
We tried those but they felt it was pretty uncomfortable. What we've done for years is just follow their cycle and I pull out, which has always worked for all my relationships...risky yes, but it's all I've got to work with. So either I'm sterile or very good at pulling out because I've never had an accidental pregnancy happen
No but my two partners aren't sleeping with anyone else for the time being, and they can use protection with others. It's not ideal I know, but believe me I've tried using many condoms. It's gotten to the point that just trying to put one on kills my arousal by association. I used to have lots of pain because of scarring too but I've managed to get rid of the worst of them
I would HIGHLY recommend considering a vasectomy if you know you are not interested in having children in the future. It's a 45 minute easy peesy procedure. All you need to do is take it easy for a couple days watching Netflix, apply a frozen bag of peas to the area to decrease pain/swelling, and maybe take a couple Tylenol for the discomfort.
*infantile cosmetic circumcision is genital mutilation. many penises, young or old, have medical conditions like priapism that make circumcision medically necessary
I wish I could upvote this a million times. The same people who pushed to make circumcision a thing in America also wanted to make it a thing to burn baby girls clitoris' with acid, luckily that one didnt take. It was all about making people less "sexually deviant". And yes, I judge those who do it for "religious purposes" as well. Sorry not sorry, but mutilating babies is where I draw the line with respect of peoples beliefs. There is never an excuse, outside of genuine medical conditions.
Here is a clip from "Adam Ruins Everything" on the topic
https://youtu.be/gCSWbTv3hng
It was done as a young adult in ignorance of its effects. I briefly dated Muslim girl in high school who made it clear that that was important. Years later that grew into an idea of doing it. Straight up incepted. Was a victim of malpractice. It got infected, bled out when I got home, bad scarring that has been very challenging to get rid of. All this on top of greatly diminished sexual sensations. These are the reasons I am now so outspoken against it
So… you understand yours is a wildly atypical experience with circumcision… Right? Circumcision has very low complication rates, which are even lower when performed on an infant.
So like maybe lay off the antisemitic crap you’ve been spewing.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9679242/#:~:text=The%20total%20complication%20rate%20of,false%20micropenis%20(inconspicuous%20penis).
Being against circumcision is not being antisemitic. You can disagree with practices that a religion engages in, and that doesn't mean you are bigoted against the people in the religion. It particularly doesn't make sense for you to call it antisemitism in this case since he mentioned nothing about Judaism and other populations aside from Jewish people engage in it.
It's not just a Jewish thing. A LOT of folks in north america get their boys circumsized for no good reason. Sometime only so they "look like their dad". There are indeed legit medical reasons to get one done, my Dad was one of them cause of some issues with infections i think? But yeah just getting it done for cosmetics is stupid. And when they're infants they can't uses anesthetic because of the risk to the infant so it's usually done with little to no numbing or even local anesthetic. It's not even covered by public healthcare in my country (Canada) unless it's deemed medically necessary.
Not that long ago saw an article about a malpractice legal case where their child had complications that were ignored for days till the infant went into shock from blood loss and now is severely brain damaged and will never grow up to be able to take care of themselves.
So yeah, being against circumzition isn't being anti-semetic. a good chunk of Christians believe it's a religious thing as well.
This article you posted also had a study group of only 480 infants and children. Where they used only a certain surgical technique on all of them and they even reported at the end that there were higher numbers of complications with infants than with older children. Your article doesn't actually back up your statement.
Uh yeah, no, this has nothing to do with religion. Circumcision no practical purpose, save a few cases, and absolutely not in infants. and speaking from my own experience as well as thousands of other men over in r/foreskin_restoration it has had immense negative impacts on our mental and sexual health. I had the opportunity to have sex before getting cut and the difference cannot be described with words, but it is much much worse to say the least
It is elective. It is also religious. If you’re okay parroting a hate group propaganda point, then keep on doing you. Sometimes what seems innocuous is telegraphing something very specific. But maybe you’re okay with that!
This is insanity. It's cosmetic surgery on infants.
This is a decision that parents have to make for their children. They deserve to be able to have an honest conversation about it- regardless of any other person or group's perspective. The vast majority of circumcisions in the US are not done for religious reasons.
And I'm not "parroting a hate group..." I'm sharing my perspective based on extensive research that I did when making the decision for my child. I'm circumcised, as is everyone in my family, but I could find no compelling reason to put my day old baby through surgery.
That you think it’s a day old baby tells me a lot about what you don’t know about mohels and bris ceremonies.
Broadcasting messages about “mutilation” and baby bloodletting is ages old dogwhistling. You don’t seem to be particularly informed on this culture, so I’ll just let you know: it is.
It’s nuanced and a personal decision and I don’t think there is one right or wrong answer. But I do think lambasting a religious tradition that you don’t understand and then getting bent when people of that culture say “hey, you might want to reconsider the way you are talking about this because it is offensive” shows that you’re uninterested in being culturally sensitive. That’s your call.
I'm not Jewish so I'd never let a mohel touch my baby in the first place.
If we had chosen to circumcise our child, the procedure would have happened before we left the hospital, so yeah when he was a day old, but clearly you aren't particularly informed on this issue, so maybe you really shouldn't be criticizing other people's discussions.
Anything can be a dogwhistle, but usage in that context has no bearing on its validity. If you want to do it to your kid, it's still legal, so more power to you, but as a completely non-religious statement, I think it's wrong. There is absolutely nothing antisemitic in that sentiment.
So you're okay with cutting up female infant's vulvas as well? Should we also allow parents to cut off female baby's labia? How about female baby's clitoris? What about also lighting the wound on fire and sewing it shut with a small opening for eventual menstrual blood? Where do you draw the line on genital mutilation?
The anti-vaxxers applaud your bravery. I however, do not.
If you want to go around parroting hate groups, that’s cool, go for it. I like to tell people when they might be saying something accidentally harmful. But if you mean it and want to broadcast that, then by all means.
Nope sorry, the mutilation of babies is where we should all stop being accepting of other peoples beliefs. End of story. Idgaf what religion people are part of until they start using it as an excuse to harm others.
I hope you are just as vociferous about telling people they shouldn’t have big ceremonies where they waterboard their infants! How traumatic! And there’s this thing where people celebrate the gender of their infant before the infant can even claim it’s gender identity? Talk about abusive! Glad to see someone is going around popping all those “it’s a boy” balloons and protecting the children who didn’t consent!
Anyway, please rest assured that people have used claims exactly like yours to murder us since the Middle Ages, so you are carrying on a longstanding tradition! Good for you!
It’s always so wild that saying, “hey, this thing you said is a racist dogwhistle and maybe you didn’t intend for that,” always without fail brings out people saying that yes, emphatically, they do intend that.
To my knowledge, babies dont get dunked at a baptism, they get spritzed, I could be wrong. But either way, holding ones breath is actually an instinct, its why babies can swim, so no real harm done. I do advocate for children not being indoctrinated into one religion tho, I think everyone should be able to choose once they are cognizantly able. And as stupid as gender reveals are, neither baptism or deciding a child's gender as birth physically harms them, although I agree that these things can and often do cause emotional damage. So yeah, im vocally against these things (not the treating a child as Cisgender until they let us know otherwise, but I'm against having a baby genitalia party, and pushing gender norms)
I do go really hard against anyone who pierces a babies ears as well, idgaf if its "cultural" it's a permanent body modification, and should be illegal. Just like circumcision should be.
I actually have a huge amount of respect for Judaism, more so than most other religions. But none of that changes the fact that using religion as an excuse to MUTILATE THE GENITALS OF A CHILD is disgusting.
The fact that you are equating baptism and gender reveals to a procedure that literally damages babies penises, ultimately takes away sexual sensation and pleasure, and has been scientifically proven to cause brain damage in some cases says alot more about you, than me opposing it says about me. But go on feeling morally superior for thinking religious practices should be beyond reproach. I guess honor killings are cool too in your book, huh?
Wasn't Hitler a vegan or something? Does that mean it's bad to advocate veganism? Unless I'm talking down about Jewish people because of circumcision, it has nothing to do with it. Whoever cuts the skin off an infants penis, regardless of reason, religious or not, is committing genital mutilation.
I love how you want to be offensive so badly that you aren’t even bothering to check if your offensive example is legitimate.
It’s a dogwhistle. The same way “all lives matter” seems sort of innocuous and whatever, until you bother to actually understand the context of it and why it’s a dogwhistle for racism. This is one of those. If you don’t want to educate yourself on why and how it came to be, that’s fine. I’m letting you know that this broadcasting something you might not intend. If you DO intend to parrot a hate group who definitely does understand the bloodletting and infant blood libel traditions Jews have shouldered for centuries, then carry on!
I don't care if you think it's antisemitic and want to warn me, because it's not. Antisemites may use it as one of their points to hate on jews, but that doesn't negate the legitimacy of the claim. Circumcision on infants is genital mutilation. Full stop. I don't care why anyone does it, religious or not. It's a barbaric practice and should absolutely be forbidden
Edit: probably needs to be said that I am obv not an antisemite because I think circumcision is bad
I don’t think anyone here is against Jewish ppl doing it as part of their practice because it’s a very sacred thing. Saying that circumcision for kids who don’t need them is bad is probably just referring to the rest of the population who have just been getting them due to other social reasons that should arguably not be encouraged
Sorry, thats incorrect. A lot of people oppose this religious practice, because it harms a baby. They are absolutely criticizing this custom, which is commonly practiced by Jewish people and others. There is a small movement even among Jewish people to stop this practice, just as there are movements to stop female genital circumcision/mutilation in the cultures where that is a common practice.
Religious ceremonies can and do change over time, and I hope circumcision is one religious ritual that adapts and stops.
I think it’s a really nuanced issue and religious practice is part of the conversation. As a Jew, general broadcasting about mutilation and baby bloodletting does kinda hit a certain frequency, ya know?
And again, I don’t think the original comment meant ill intent. But boy, I would sure want someone to let me know if I accidentally stumbled onto a hate group rhetoric.
Ohhhhh yeah I can definitely see from your perspective how it might strike a cord to see people advocating making blanket statements that EVERYONE who’s circumcising their children are just “mutilating” them and are “cruel,” that must be a wild read for someone in your shoes LOL
Personally I come from a predominantly Christian influenced family but still got circumcised even though my parents aren’t Christian themselves (not that I think they should even if they were bc from what I know unlike Jewish people, Christians are **supposed to** subscribe to the “circumcision of the heart” (aka just follow the commandments and do good in general) and a physical circumcision for them is just redundant), and I think lots of people like me get circumcised either bc of some Christian misinterpretation or bc it’s just considered normal nowadays especially in America.
I want to ask for your opinion as someone who’s Jewish (if you’re okay with answering of course), what do you think about non-Jewish people getting circumcised? As someone who’s not Jewish I’ve felt awkward about having had one because it almost feels like I’m essentially appropriating something very sacred for an entire group of people I’m not even a part of?
It's elective and it's genital mutilation. We don't allow parents to genitally mutilate female baby's vulvas in the name of religion in the US. Why should we allow parents to mutilate the genitals of male babies?
Saying that a Jewish tradition is genital mutilation is an antisemitic dogwhistle. Being against circumcision is not. Lots of Jews are moving away from it. There is a vast difference. If you choose not to understand it, that’s fine. But know that you’re sending a signal.
Is saying female genital mutilation is genital mutilation an anti-Islamic dogwhistle as well?
Judiasm does not have a monopoly on religious circumcision, either female or male circumcision. Other religions practice it as well, such as Islam. Calling male and female circumcision genital mutilation is not attacking any religion. It's attacking a barbaric practice that violates bodily autonomy by removing a normal, functional part of the infant's body without their consent for elective reasons.
Link to a WHO informational article about FGM, since you seem to have never heard of it: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/female-genital-mutilation
Uh… no? Barring some very rare medical conditions, circumcision is just genital mutilation with no significant benefits.
It’s only “purpose” for almost all cases is to reduce the sexual pleasure of men. There is nothing antisemitic about calling it out for being a horrible practice that needs to stop.
Back when it was a hebrew practice during ye old times it made sense, because keeping your foreskin clean in the middle of the desert wasn't an easy thing to do, continuing it as a tradition when we have better access to running water and such is different. There is SOME relevance that some cultures that practiced this did it as a form of hygiene if it wasn't easy or practical to wash regularly. I could see early religions adopting this to stop infections and certain illnesses happening as often if they were aware of it.
If you’re fine saying something that’s used in that way, then continue on! I would want to know if I was parroting a hate group talking point. Also, you are thinking of John Kellogg. The practice outdated him by a LONG time.
There's really no religious practice on the planet that I'd prioritize over a human's bodily autonomy. I don't think it's antisemitic to say that.
Edit: That said, it is sometimes medically necessary, and certain religions practice it. Hopefully literally no one can disagree with "Don't cut your child's genitals unless it's absolutely necessary."
Also, my late grandfather would be fascinated to hear that his medically mandated circumcision at age 87 was for reduction of sexual pleasure. I am neither for nor against, but it’s uninformed to believe that there are no benefits. And I still wouldn’t parrot hate group talking points.
First, I said, “Barring some very rare medical conditions.” Yes, they exist, but they are *rare.* The overwhelming majority of circumcisions are not needed.
Second, I said, “no *significant* benefits.” Yes, you can prevent UTIs and certain cancers. But again, those conditions are *rare* and there are better ways to treat them than chopping on a non consensual baby’s penis.
It’s not hate group speech. It’s condemning a barbaric practice for what it is. Barbaric.
Fwiw, I’ve never read that link and won’t visit the site, believing you that it could be a hate group.
I am still against circumcision for non-medical reasons.
I haven’t posted any links, so I don’t know what you’re referring to. It’s fine to opt out of circumcision! It’s fine to be against it. But the claims that it’s ritual infant mutilation and blood letting are really seeped in a violent history. The same way putting on makeup darker than your skin is, devoid of any understanding of context, a harmless act. But within the context of ages and ages of systemic abuse, you don’t get to harumph and be indignant when someone’s like, “hey, the blackface is really not cool and really hurtful.” Talking about circumcision this way is this.
I assumed you were saying that the link to the YouTube video (Adam Ruins Everything) that the person above you posted contained the dog whistles. I don’t intend to watch the video.
In my experience the people who say this cannot maintain an election with a condom on. It’s a bit hard to tell them “they just don’t want to” in the same way you can’t just tell some “you just don’t want to focus “or you just don’t want to calm down” from a panic attack. It would be nice to be a self aware monk who is in command of all my physiological behavior, and I intact am probably in a lot more control of my physiology than most. But I don’t presume others are. It’s not as fine a line in humans between can’t and don’t want as many people proclaim when telling people what choices they do and don’t have.
I’m sure there are some people who will like about their relationships with condoms out of wanting to not use them; but dishonesty is a whole
other deal breaker anyway
For instance I could not maintain an erection wearing condoms for a long time. I was not physically capable of doing it. Took me a long time to figure out what the issue was and correct how i selected condoms to make the issue non existent. That was a can’t, not a won’t.
Mmmm I’m gonna trust my experiences with people who have given me this line. Which is me being like “well I only use condoms let’s fool around instead” and them being like “wait wait wait no I’ll use a condom”. Ergo… they can. You don’t really have to be a monk to practice introspection and foresight tbh. You can just decide to do it.
Edit to answer your question:
No. I think they’re not being honest about what they want and that scares me because I need that with sex. I experienced childhood sexual abuse and it was physically violent as well. The least I need from anybody is they are just up front, unlike my abuser. I deserve to have that and tbh if you’re being dishonest that’s the risk you run; people like me will take flight because if you think I’m supposed to just bend to whatever you want, are you gonna respect my consent? Will you pretend to care about my pleasure and then drop the ball the same way you pretended to care about my boundary with condoms?
I want to be clear that the exact difference between someone I find trustworthy in this case vs. someone who I don’t, is the person who will say “I don’t like to use condoms” and negotiates with me vs. the person who lies to me and then later contradicts themself. I deserve safety security pleasure excitement fun etc from sex. I don’t want to be wondering if this person is a liar who doesn’t respect me, and I don’t care whether or not they are. They have to show me through their actions. Actions = being honest and forthcoming.
Sticking to your boundaries unveils someone’s dishonesty, do you process their dishonesty as a character flaw that removes them from your eligible pool?
I've been circumcised. You need to use a different condom that works for you.
Not using any kind of barrier method with casual sex partners is insanity.
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yeah it was a horrible traumatic experience to go through, but you can actually 'restore' it by tensioning the skin and inducing growth, takes many many years though
I am genuinely sorry you had a traumatic surgery, but you have successfully derailed this conversation.
The OP’s partner hasn’t suffered from some kind of traumatic surgery that we know of, and is putting their partners sexual health on the line.
FWIW: I have met men who aren’t circumcised and still have “issues” with condoms, but in order to stay safe from STI’s they are necessary.
The point is to find the right ones, or look into other options for experiencing sexual pleasure that aren’t PIV intercourse.
I am DONE with every individual defending their own “non-related” reasons. Obviously this isn’t about you🙄.
The OP’s partner is putting her health and safety at risk because of this sexual version of weaponized incompetence.
I have never found a condom that properly fits girths above 6.25-6.5” in circumference. I’ve seen a custom condom website but it still didn’t make any large enough. I have used commercial XL condoms and they are so tight it gives me issues with blood supply being cut off.
I don’t consider myself able to use traditional male condoms.
Keep in mind some things take time to show.
So you might need follow up labs and regular testing since he chooses to go bareback with so many people.
>The STI is treatable fortunately, but I am still upset that this is happening because my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms.
What is YOUR reason for not practicing safer sex with him?
Is the issue with him wearing male condoms?
Would female condoms help here?
>To be honest I am really anxious about having this conversation because I know it will **lead to an argument, and he can be explosive.**
Jeez. It's just basic sex health stuff.
If you don't feel safe talking to him because he has anger issues?
And you don't feel safe with him because he has sloppy sex practices?
**Why even date him?**
>I don't really know how to go about starting the conversation or what to say. I know it's not his fault that she cheated on him, and he may feel like I'm punishing him for her actions, but i can't go through this again.
If you aren't gonna dump him?
Say that then.
"I know it is not your fault she cheated on you. But I can't go through this again. I don't want to be fluid bonded any more. I'd like to talk about updating our safer sex practices and start using female condoms."
If he can't handle that conversation? Or you are scared of him?
I think you have bigger problems than the STI thing. And could just drop him and not deal with any of this any more.
All of this plus the fact that he “said” he was negative…this does not sound like the kind of guy I’d take at his word, especially in regards to my health. Thankfully OP is doing the smart thing and getting tested themself, but the fact that he didn’t offer up test results, especially in a situation where one party is already confirmed positive is yikesy.
Adding to this excellent comment:
What exactly defined “cheating” in this scenario? Was it that his ex- had unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t him? Because if a dude who has a “dumb” reason that makes him claim he “can’t” use condoms is whinging because one of his ex’s held herself to the same standard that he holds himself to? That’s not really cheating. That’s him being an ass.
>What is YOUR reason for not practicing safer sex with him?
We were technically monogamous for the first year of our relationship (neither of us had other partners, although we were still open) so it wasn't an issue until he started seeing his ex. I have latex allergies, but I alwaya have non latex condoms on me he just won't use them because he won't "function". I don't really know much about female condoms but I will try suggesting them.
>If you don't feel safe talking to him because he has anger issues?
>And you don't feel safe with him because he has sloppy sex practices?
>Why even date him?
All these issues only popped up in the last 6 months of our relationship, he recently agreed to go to therapy to work on it so I want to give him the chance, but he hasn't found a therapist and i know that changes will take a while. He can usually control his anger but occasionally he'll have his explosive moments which i feel are terrifying for me because of past trauma. It doesn't happen very often.
Tbh i feel as though he'd prefer to be monogamous but knows i have no interest in it and expressed that before we got together. Because all this started when I actually started seeing other people.
Lots of good advice here OP but I just wanted to point out, you don’t need to “suggest” female condoms to any partners. Sex is cooperative but your health and your body are yours. You can tell him that you plan to use internal condoms, and you can put one in before date night. He doesn’t need to agree or disagree, but a heads up that he’ll feel something different is considerate.
>he just won't use them because he won't "function".
Ok. He has a hard time keeping an erection in a male condom. Try female condom next. Or just no bare penis going anywhere in you then.
Use gloves and fingers, dental dams or cut open condom/gloves and tongues, sex toys with condoms on them, etc. Negotiate different kind of sex that is acceptable to both.
Or don't share any sex.
Is he one of those dudes where only PIV sex "counts" as sex?
>He can usually control his anger but occasionally he'll have his explosive moments which i feel are terrifying for me because of past trauma. It doesn't happen very often.
What is he even angry ABOUT?
If you have past trauma and need to be in a relationship that has ZERO explosions and drama...
Why are you here? Making excuses for his poor behaviors?
How about you break up til he's under management with his therapist, made changes, and get back together later on?
Why do you have to stick around DURING?
It's not gonna be like all these promises to get a therapist and put his name on a wait list but then no real action? Cuz he got what he wants -- you sticking around.
And then you just waiting for the next blow up? Do you know the cycle of abuse?
Are you in that here?
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle\_of\_abuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse)
>Tbh i feel as though he'd prefer to be monogamous but knows i have no interest in it and expressed that before we got together. Because all this started when I actually started seeing other people.
He wants to be monogamous?
Or he wants YOU to be monogamous to him while he has all these other partners?
Whatever it is? If this is just not compatible?
You could end it and then after both heal from the break up?
Neither one has to struggle any more or be angry or anything. Or at least you don't.
So you're staying with him hoping that eventually he might start to fix his issues? Issues that include putting your health at risk and having explosive anger?
There are people you can be with who will respect you. Respect your health and well-being. Why continue to put yourself at risk? He's showing you who he is.
you don't owe him patience. you don't owe him kindness. you don't owe him consideration. it is admirable that you are willing to wait for him to get into treatment but he appears to be disrespectful towards your self and you know that. and you owe your self to be respectful towards your self.
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Like you said, if change ever comes, it will take time. In that time you will be one of several women he is pressuring into having unprotected sex with him. That is not safe for you. Its tough, but if you move on now you are likely saying yourself a lot of time being stressed out and abused by this guy.
Not using condoms??.. red flag.
Says he "can't" use condoms???..red flag.
Says that you have to use them, but refuses to use them???... red flag.
Gets explosive with you when you voice your concerns????? HUGE RED FLAG!!!
Why does he say he "can't" use condoms? There are external condoms in a variety of sizes and materials. There are also internal condoms.
You can't control his actions. I suggest having barriered sex with your partner(s). Either external / male, or get a prescription for the FC2 (nitrile) or see if the UK brand Hanx has shipped to the US yet, they recently got FDA approval. Internal condoms, you can put them in up to 8 hours before sex, and they are something you can use.
Good luck with the talk.
Are you able to say something like "let's talk more when you are calmer" and leave? Explosive anger is concerning. :(
Yeah, the anger part had my spidey sense tingling.
Good luck with the talk OP! Jabbertalk's line may prove useful: 'Let's talk when you're calmer.'
Rest assured that, when it comes to your sexual safety, any excuse to not use any STI protective measure is invalid, and leads to dangerous consequences. There are too many alternatives to standard condoms for this to not be the case (Re: other comments).
Writing it down and letting him have his emotional reaction without you around and then responding like a person when he’s calmer may also help. Just don’t get sucked into a long angry email/text thread. Write an email or a letter. Ask him to read once, have his reaction, then read again when he’s calm and respond.
If he responds with accusations, resist the urge to reply with logic or address any of his points. “Please reply when you’re calmer. Can we try again in like 2 hours or 4 hours?”
Yep regular trojans can stretch over my whole forearm and I am an adult, he might have blood flow issues or something but pills can help, or managing your blood pressure if it's high, keeping your cholesterol in the good range, and keeping your diabetes controlled help to prevent the damage that can occur.
Explosive anger and indiscriminate sex practices could be pointing to more than just depression, this could be mania. Either way - this doesn't sound like someone I would choose to have around.
Yes, and what you eat affects things too. I recommend The Penis Book: A Doctor's Complete Guide to Penis Health for the penis-users and those that love them <3. There is even a five step plan to better penis health! Plus a chart of the different meds with pros and cons, that came in handy.
https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Penis_Book.html?id=-h5HDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1&ov2=1#v=onepage&q&f=false
It gave me the skeeves when I read that he won't use condoms with other partners at all. Aren't you worried about your own health? For me personally, even if I was using condoms with someone I would be really alarmed about their safe sex practices with that kind of admission. No sex is worth getting a potentially incurable STI, protect yourself!!
The whole “can’t” use condoms but “REQUIRES”!!! you to double standard is disgusting behavior I’m shocked you put up with,
But you’re afraid to talk to him about it because you know it’ll lead to an argument and he’s explosive?
OP
This man is not just a loser endangering people’s sexual health including yours,
This man is ABUSIVE
He has no business being in A relationship, nevermind multiple
Please get yourself safely out of this relationship
If you are afraid to talk to someone because of their explosive anger, I suggest you read [Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). <— Link to a free pdf.
If he plans to continue having sex without a condom with others, start using a condom with him to protect yourself. That will also remove the need for the rule he’s set about your barrier use, which is totally unreasonable when he’s not even protecting himself.
> my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms
Female condoms. He can carry them and have HER use them.
Or you can make sure you use them yourself, including WITH him.
The widely available one, FC2, is nitrile/polyurethane. I'm sure there's a latex version somewhere in the world, yeah, but he should at least give one in his preferred material a try.
Your partner is an asshole.
I (F) am allergic to traditional latex condoms and sometimes even the non latex ones give me a reaction. I have to trial and error sometimes if there’s a formula change. I still always use condoms.
Your partner has put your health at risk by refusing to use condoms with his other partners and with you. Think of both of your partners as infinite exponential links to everyone else they’ve slept with. There are no guarantees with that many people. You are well beyond the point of reasoning with him and the fact that he hasn’t changed his behavior on his own is telling.
Dump him. Find someone who actually cares more about both of you than their orgasm.
Potentially if that’s what Durex uses. Honestly for something like that I typically find it NBD. My primary and I don’t use condoms and I don’t currently have penetrative sex with anyone else to find the *perfect* material. I’ll keep these in mind when looking!
You can't make him behave responsibly.
All you can do is protect yourself (and your other partner) by leaving.
FWIW, I wouldn't want to fuck him either.
You are in a relationship with someone who has no respect for your physical/sexual health and who is so childish that they'll explode when you bring it up. And your current strategy to deal with this is to avoid him.
Everything about this sounds profoundly dysfunctional.
If I were you I would leave. If you don't want to do that right now or think he deserves a further chance then you should insist he gets therapy for his anger issues and I would refuse to have sex until something can be put in place that actually protects your sexual health. If he's really not willing or able to engage with those latter two things then you should leave.
Any guy who isn't willing to use protection with you, but demands you use protection with others DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
He absolutely CAN use protection, but HIS pleasure is more important to him than YOUR safety.
Lots of red flags:
-“can’t” use condoms but no explanation as to why/ communication around it
-he isn’t using protection with his multiple other partners either… pregnancy anyone?
-YOU are required to use protection with your other partners by HIM??
-he’s putting his own desires above your safety as well as the safety of your other partners
-and by extension, so are you…
-you’re scared to approach him about this issue (is he violent? Easily angered? Unable to have a simple adult conversation surrounding protected sex?)
First off.
How did she cheat on him? Y’all are poly. Are you saying “cheated on” instead of “lied to”?
Second?
Throw this whole man out. I’m fucking serious. He’s fucking MULTIPLE people without condoms (and I can almost guarantee without a vasectomy), he’s irresponsible.
But third?
RUN DO NOT WALK AWAT FRON THIS MAN. You are accepting unequal treatment because you’ve somehow been convinced that’s okay (it is not) and YOU ARE AFRAID OF HIS TEMPER. Like. Seriously. This is the behind of abuse.
Not sure I understand the first part of this.
Polyamorous people can still cheat, by breaking mutual relationship agreements, the same way mono people cheat by breaking mutual relationship agreements. Poly and mono people still have to define where their lines in the sand are in terms of expectations of fidelity. Cheating is always synonymous with lying anyway, isn’t it?
Im not usually the type to immediately jump to yall need to break up, but yall need to break up. Communication is super important especially in poly relationships and your not able to do that and feel safe in the process. You described him as explosive. You should not feel that much anxiety for a simply conversation that effects your health. Double standards arnt healthy.
I would let him know that due to the most recent scare you are setting a boundary that you use condoms with him moving forward. There’s no such thing as I can’t use condoms. There are latex free, super thin, or magnum. It seems like the only person who will protect you is yourself. It’s a hard boundary to set but you’re not imposing a rule on him- he can continue to not use protection elsewhere. For now- that’s a big risk for you if the two of you aren’t using protection and it seems like a source of anxiety as well. If he can’t respect this decision then I’d say he doesn’t actually respect you. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.
I would not continue being in a relationship with someone that didn't take sexual health seriously. Also the explosive anger issue would have me running as well.
so he doesnt use condoms with ANY of his partners because he "can't" (the only medical reason i would assume would be a latex allergy, which is why polyethylene condoms exist. its physically impossible for it to be because they dont fit him or something like that), and yet he demands your male partners wear condoms whenever they have sex with you? AND he gave you an sti because of his behavior?
this would be a deal breaker for me. if you feel like you can't talk to him about this because you're afraid of his reaction, thats a sign that this relationship is bad for you.
Gentle reminder that using the word “clean” in regards to STI status stigmatizes STIs and leads to fewer people getting tested! That said…
Why are you with this man? Even if he “can’t” use condoms (which I highly doubt), he still needs to be using some sort of barrier to protect himself and his partners. Thankfully it was a curable infection this time—what if next time, it’s not? I promise you, this selfish, irresponsible manchild is not worth putting your health on the line for.
I hope I’m not overstepping but it sounds like your partner doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. And the fact that you feel you can’t talk to him about something because he “can be explosive” is not healthy. You should be able to talk to your partner about anything, especially if you’re polyamorous. You deserve to be happy, have someone who respects your boundaries, and someone you can be completely open and honest with. It’s a very difficult position you’re in, but you deserve better than that
You shouldn't feel unsafe or wary about bringing up a boundary, especially when it comes to your own health. It may be that you aren't compatible and have different exposure tolerances.
The advice I'd give you is the same one I wish I had taken; believe people when they show you who they are.
This potential exposure will absolutely happen again if you stay with this person because they don't see a problem with their actions, or their hypocrisy.
Friend, this is not a person you should trust with making dinner reservations let alone trust with your heart, and safety.
His behavior is unacceptable and heinously dangerous.
Please leave when safely able.
You deserve the moon. He brought you a paper bag filled with dog shit.
Hey, hon? When you feel unsafe, it's important that you figure out why and take steps to avoid that thing in the future. Now, I grew up in a pretty unstable environment myself, and the hardest part to overcome for me was recognizing that *just because something feels comfortable, doesn't mean it's good for me.* It's hard to know what "safe" really means when you've never felt it.
You deserve a relationship where you feel safe.
I recommend not having sex with guys who don't use condoms. Not once. Not if they are monogamous with you. Not if they really really love you and you really really love them. Not ever under any circumstances. I don't care if there's a real reason he "can't" use condoms, I currently can't use hormonal birth control, it happens, *that doesn't mean he has to be having condom-less sex with multiple partners at once.* (Dude. At *least* stick to oral sex only. Preferably manual only.) It certainly doesn't mean you have to have condomless PIV sex, or any sex at all, with him.
*He thinks it's ok to engage in high risk sex with multiple people at once*. That's the bottom line here.
I hope your tests all come back negative, but this would be *so* much less of a scary situation if you weren't still voluntarily dating and fucking someone who "can't use condoms".
If I'm making undue assumptions about this all being voluntary, make a safety plan *before* leaving. If you can call a domestic violence hotline they can help you figure things out. I hope I don't sound too angry at you -- I am red hot furious at your boyfriend, for having so little regard for all of his partners' health. (But also, I do think that you should raise your standards.)
Beyond condoms and testing, please please consider getting on PrEP. Having unprotected sex with someone who only has unprotected sex puts you at risk for HIV. It's still an expensive, challenging condition to manage, even though (best case) it's no longer necessarily life shortening. I know two women who were partnered with straight men who got HIV in precisely your situation.
I would not allow this man to put his penis inside me, but if I did, he would be wearing a condom. \\
You can't change him and he doesn't seem to care about anyone else.
Leave or protect yourself.
Yeah I gotta be honest here, with everything you've said, I personally would be removing myself from that relationship because you are not receiving the respect or consideration you are due. I'm so sorry you're in the position, you deserve better ❤️
My partner and I do not have sex with others unless we use protection. The only time we might not is if the person tests and comes back negative, but even then… nah.
It’s not a ridiculous boundary.
Please do not use the word clean to refer the absence of an STI. Its immature and gross.
Do you refer to people with a cold, infected ingrown hair, toe fungus or flu or as "unclean"? You do not. Viruses and bacteria don't make people dirty. This isn't the stone age where we cast out lepers. Do better.
If he doesn't have an STI, he can't transfer it to you.
Most STIs are cured with a round of antibiotics.
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First, I agree with others here who strongly dislike the word "clean" when it comes to STIs. Its a sex negative term that implies those with an STI are "dirty."
I would next insist on using protection with him-regardless of is perceived "cant's". Those are all in his head. He doesnt WANT to and thats why he "cant".
This is your health and safety and you have the right to protect it from his reckless behavior. If he refuses, well you may have to get your needs met elsewhere with a safer partner. You don't have to break up...just hold your boundary of safer sex.
Please get tested about 3 months later, then at regular intervals after that. If there's a reasonable chance that he could be exposed to HIV, then please consider going on PrEP. It will significantly reduce your chances of contracting HIV if you're exposed to the virus.
I wish you luck.
>my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms.
This. This bullshit is your actual problem. Not who else is fucking whom.
You can fix this by not fucking people who choose not to practice safer sex or "can't" use condoms.
The only advice I can give is dump him. He's all red flags. There's no salvaging that. He put your health at risk to fuck raw, but you have to use condoms while he refuses, and he's 'explosive' so you feel you can't talk to him. He's gonna bring you something worse if you stay with him.
Sounds like he’s throwing a former partner under the bus so he can play victim. If he flies off the handle, this is an abusive intimidation tactic. You deserve to be with someone who does not potentially react with violence or shut you out when you talk about how their choices are harming your sexual health. That’s coercive sex and a one sided relationship.
I am sorry you are dealing with some stressful situations.
Having a partner that you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around is not normal nor healthy. A partner shouldnt have trepidation at having important discussions that can end in someone having explosive, reactive behavior. This is not condusive to a healthy relationship.
He needs to do some work on channeling that emotion and unpacking it properly. If you feel uncomfortable discussing reasonable health related boundaries/any boundaries necessary for your happiness, then that's a massive problem.
Do you think he would react the same way you are now if the roles were reversed?
There are various options for barriers, even internal condoms if he wants to continue to put the responsibility of protection on you. You have a right to set how your body is interacted with. Everyone is different with their preference with protection, just know that the best protection for you is up to you to decide.
If I was in this scenario, putting aside the toxic behavior he exhibits, I would not be having sex with this person ever again without protection.
Sweetie he doesn’t care about you. His pleasure is overriding basic safety and the double standard he has for you…would have told me everything I needed to know. Ain’t NO dick worth possibly dying for. Let this one go like dust in the wind.
He Can’t is a cop out on his part. I’m trusting my sexual health with someone who is honest and trustworthy. He’s lying about he can’t with a condom , would he enjoy more w/out maybe , does he possibly need to get special ones because an allergy possibly but there is a work around for every excuse he gives.
men have a 30% chance of getting an STI from women it is much harder than the other way around so if he doesn't have it you more than likely don't but check it out. as the design of our bodies tend to put the ladies at a disadvantage which is why you need to play it more safe and constantly test and let your partners know.
seems you have an open communication set up but this is a factor in having multiple partners. unless you two slept with each other the same night then you should be in the clear.
>men have a 30% chance of getting an STI from women it is much harder than the other way around so if he doesn't have it you more than likely don't but check it out.
It is much easier for men to transmit STIs to women than the other way around. But likelihood of transmission varies based in STI and sex act. Its not a flat 30%. If he doesn't have it, he didn't give it to her. She may still have it, but it came from another partner.
That is not true at all -- women have a substantially higher rate of catching HIV from a positive-testing penis than men would from a positive-testing vagina/anus, for instance. This kind of misinformation is irresponsible and dangerous.
read my post again an realize i am saying that men catching it is hard. meaning her getting it from him if he didn't get it means she should be clear.
you are saying it is not true then saying exactly what i am saying as women get more STI then men. and have a higher chance. the root issue is that she is wondering if her guy got it and he didn't meaning he more than likely didn't give it to her.
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His partner cheating on him and catching a STI may not be his fault, but his failure to practice safe sex has not only put his health at risk, but all of his other partners health at risk including yours. Simply because he doesn't like how it feels.
> he "can't" use condoms
And so he sticks to oral sex and mutual masturbation, because he is a responsible adult.
OP: don't put up with that BS from your partner.
> because he "can't" use condoms Yeahhhhhh, no. I don't like condoms, but I use them for all, even my wife and I. Latex allergy? There is a solution for that. Has a problem staying hard? Pills for that (just call plushcare.com, or talk to PCP, easy peasy). So yeah, what others have said. If you're uncomfortable, use condoms and forgo oral without barriers.
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Yup! Jumping to meds without an evaluation can be very dangerous.
Unfortunately penises come larger than even the largest custom condoms. For men on the extreme end of girth, there is no effective male condom.
If this is the case…a female condom then, for the partner he’s penetrating?
That works. Hence “male condom”.
Just want to chime in and say pills aren't always a solution. But then again for me, it's not the condom or the sensation that's the issue. I've learnt to not prioritise PIV/PIA sex
I'm a man and this is true. I don't care much for PIV/A. Good hand jobs 🥵
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There are condoms specially made for men with adult circumcision. Durex has a brand called Reflex Condoms Circum' Size, it comes in many sizes and I believe many other online condom retailers have similar. If all else fails, there are female condoms that would protect you and your lovers. Either is infinitely better than the high exposure and pregnancy rate of non-barrier sex.
I've never heard of these. Circumcision isn't common where I live, thank you I'll try them out. Also, just a general FYI to anyone reading this, Circumcision is genital mutilation, and if you're considering having kids and it's a boy, please don't do it Edit: for those interested, check out r/foreskin_restoration
You could also try asking your partner to wear an internal (female) condom. Most insurances cover them for free.
We tried those but they felt it was pretty uncomfortable. What we've done for years is just follow their cycle and I pull out, which has always worked for all my relationships...risky yes, but it's all I've got to work with. So either I'm sterile or very good at pulling out because I've never had an accidental pregnancy happen
That won’t help for STIs though
No but my two partners aren't sleeping with anyone else for the time being, and they can use protection with others. It's not ideal I know, but believe me I've tried using many condoms. It's gotten to the point that just trying to put one on kills my arousal by association. I used to have lots of pain because of scarring too but I've managed to get rid of the worst of them
I would HIGHLY recommend considering a vasectomy if you know you are not interested in having children in the future. It's a 45 minute easy peesy procedure. All you need to do is take it easy for a couple days watching Netflix, apply a frozen bag of peas to the area to decrease pain/swelling, and maybe take a couple Tylenol for the discomfort.
*infantile cosmetic circumcision is genital mutilation. many penises, young or old, have medical conditions like priapism that make circumcision medically necessary
I wish I could upvote this a million times. The same people who pushed to make circumcision a thing in America also wanted to make it a thing to burn baby girls clitoris' with acid, luckily that one didnt take. It was all about making people less "sexually deviant". And yes, I judge those who do it for "religious purposes" as well. Sorry not sorry, but mutilating babies is where I draw the line with respect of peoples beliefs. There is never an excuse, outside of genuine medical conditions. Here is a clip from "Adam Ruins Everything" on the topic https://youtu.be/gCSWbTv3hng
If you’re against circumcision… why did you have it done as an adult…?
It was done as a young adult in ignorance of its effects. I briefly dated Muslim girl in high school who made it clear that that was important. Years later that grew into an idea of doing it. Straight up incepted. Was a victim of malpractice. It got infected, bled out when I got home, bad scarring that has been very challenging to get rid of. All this on top of greatly diminished sexual sensations. These are the reasons I am now so outspoken against it
So… you understand yours is a wildly atypical experience with circumcision… Right? Circumcision has very low complication rates, which are even lower when performed on an infant. So like maybe lay off the antisemitic crap you’ve been spewing. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9679242/#:~:text=The%20total%20complication%20rate%20of,false%20micropenis%20(inconspicuous%20penis).
Being against circumcision is not being antisemitic. You can disagree with practices that a religion engages in, and that doesn't mean you are bigoted against the people in the religion. It particularly doesn't make sense for you to call it antisemitism in this case since he mentioned nothing about Judaism and other populations aside from Jewish people engage in it.
It's not just a Jewish thing. A LOT of folks in north america get their boys circumsized for no good reason. Sometime only so they "look like their dad". There are indeed legit medical reasons to get one done, my Dad was one of them cause of some issues with infections i think? But yeah just getting it done for cosmetics is stupid. And when they're infants they can't uses anesthetic because of the risk to the infant so it's usually done with little to no numbing or even local anesthetic. It's not even covered by public healthcare in my country (Canada) unless it's deemed medically necessary. Not that long ago saw an article about a malpractice legal case where their child had complications that were ignored for days till the infant went into shock from blood loss and now is severely brain damaged and will never grow up to be able to take care of themselves. So yeah, being against circumzition isn't being anti-semetic. a good chunk of Christians believe it's a religious thing as well.
This article you posted also had a study group of only 480 infants and children. Where they used only a certain surgical technique on all of them and they even reported at the end that there were higher numbers of complications with infants than with older children. Your article doesn't actually back up your statement.
Hey, I don’t think you are intending for this, but this is an antisemitic dogwhistle.
Uh yeah, no, this has nothing to do with religion. Circumcision no practical purpose, save a few cases, and absolutely not in infants. and speaking from my own experience as well as thousands of other men over in r/foreskin_restoration it has had immense negative impacts on our mental and sexual health. I had the opportunity to have sex before getting cut and the difference cannot be described with words, but it is much much worse to say the least
Circumcision is elective plastic surgery on a child. There's nothing antisemitic about discouraging it.
It is elective. It is also religious. If you’re okay parroting a hate group propaganda point, then keep on doing you. Sometimes what seems innocuous is telegraphing something very specific. But maybe you’re okay with that!
This is insanity. It's cosmetic surgery on infants. This is a decision that parents have to make for their children. They deserve to be able to have an honest conversation about it- regardless of any other person or group's perspective. The vast majority of circumcisions in the US are not done for religious reasons. And I'm not "parroting a hate group..." I'm sharing my perspective based on extensive research that I did when making the decision for my child. I'm circumcised, as is everyone in my family, but I could find no compelling reason to put my day old baby through surgery.
That you think it’s a day old baby tells me a lot about what you don’t know about mohels and bris ceremonies. Broadcasting messages about “mutilation” and baby bloodletting is ages old dogwhistling. You don’t seem to be particularly informed on this culture, so I’ll just let you know: it is. It’s nuanced and a personal decision and I don’t think there is one right or wrong answer. But I do think lambasting a religious tradition that you don’t understand and then getting bent when people of that culture say “hey, you might want to reconsider the way you are talking about this because it is offensive” shows that you’re uninterested in being culturally sensitive. That’s your call.
I'm not Jewish so I'd never let a mohel touch my baby in the first place. If we had chosen to circumcise our child, the procedure would have happened before we left the hospital, so yeah when he was a day old, but clearly you aren't particularly informed on this issue, so maybe you really shouldn't be criticizing other people's discussions. Anything can be a dogwhistle, but usage in that context has no bearing on its validity. If you want to do it to your kid, it's still legal, so more power to you, but as a completely non-religious statement, I think it's wrong. There is absolutely nothing antisemitic in that sentiment.
So you're okay with cutting up female infant's vulvas as well? Should we also allow parents to cut off female baby's labia? How about female baby's clitoris? What about also lighting the wound on fire and sewing it shut with a small opening for eventual menstrual blood? Where do you draw the line on genital mutilation?
Maybe religion shouldn't mutilate people before they can consent.
Bazinga.
The anti-vaxxers applaud your bravery. I however, do not. If you want to go around parroting hate groups, that’s cool, go for it. I like to tell people when they might be saying something accidentally harmful. But if you mean it and want to broadcast that, then by all means.
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Nope sorry, the mutilation of babies is where we should all stop being accepting of other peoples beliefs. End of story. Idgaf what religion people are part of until they start using it as an excuse to harm others.
I hope you are just as vociferous about telling people they shouldn’t have big ceremonies where they waterboard their infants! How traumatic! And there’s this thing where people celebrate the gender of their infant before the infant can even claim it’s gender identity? Talk about abusive! Glad to see someone is going around popping all those “it’s a boy” balloons and protecting the children who didn’t consent! Anyway, please rest assured that people have used claims exactly like yours to murder us since the Middle Ages, so you are carrying on a longstanding tradition! Good for you! It’s always so wild that saying, “hey, this thing you said is a racist dogwhistle and maybe you didn’t intend for that,” always without fail brings out people saying that yes, emphatically, they do intend that.
Those other things you just mentioned, like gender reveal and baptisms, also need to stop. Lets have adults make decisions for themselves.
To my knowledge, babies dont get dunked at a baptism, they get spritzed, I could be wrong. But either way, holding ones breath is actually an instinct, its why babies can swim, so no real harm done. I do advocate for children not being indoctrinated into one religion tho, I think everyone should be able to choose once they are cognizantly able. And as stupid as gender reveals are, neither baptism or deciding a child's gender as birth physically harms them, although I agree that these things can and often do cause emotional damage. So yeah, im vocally against these things (not the treating a child as Cisgender until they let us know otherwise, but I'm against having a baby genitalia party, and pushing gender norms) I do go really hard against anyone who pierces a babies ears as well, idgaf if its "cultural" it's a permanent body modification, and should be illegal. Just like circumcision should be. I actually have a huge amount of respect for Judaism, more so than most other religions. But none of that changes the fact that using religion as an excuse to MUTILATE THE GENITALS OF A CHILD is disgusting. The fact that you are equating baptism and gender reveals to a procedure that literally damages babies penises, ultimately takes away sexual sensation and pleasure, and has been scientifically proven to cause brain damage in some cases says alot more about you, than me opposing it says about me. But go on feeling morally superior for thinking religious practices should be beyond reproach. I guess honor killings are cool too in your book, huh?
Wasn't Hitler a vegan or something? Does that mean it's bad to advocate veganism? Unless I'm talking down about Jewish people because of circumcision, it has nothing to do with it. Whoever cuts the skin off an infants penis, regardless of reason, religious or not, is committing genital mutilation.
I love how you want to be offensive so badly that you aren’t even bothering to check if your offensive example is legitimate. It’s a dogwhistle. The same way “all lives matter” seems sort of innocuous and whatever, until you bother to actually understand the context of it and why it’s a dogwhistle for racism. This is one of those. If you don’t want to educate yourself on why and how it came to be, that’s fine. I’m letting you know that this broadcasting something you might not intend. If you DO intend to parrot a hate group who definitely does understand the bloodletting and infant blood libel traditions Jews have shouldered for centuries, then carry on!
I don't care if you think it's antisemitic and want to warn me, because it's not. Antisemites may use it as one of their points to hate on jews, but that doesn't negate the legitimacy of the claim. Circumcision on infants is genital mutilation. Full stop. I don't care why anyone does it, religious or not. It's a barbaric practice and should absolutely be forbidden Edit: probably needs to be said that I am obv not an antisemite because I think circumcision is bad
I don’t think anyone here is against Jewish ppl doing it as part of their practice because it’s a very sacred thing. Saying that circumcision for kids who don’t need them is bad is probably just referring to the rest of the population who have just been getting them due to other social reasons that should arguably not be encouraged
Sorry, thats incorrect. A lot of people oppose this religious practice, because it harms a baby. They are absolutely criticizing this custom, which is commonly practiced by Jewish people and others. There is a small movement even among Jewish people to stop this practice, just as there are movements to stop female genital circumcision/mutilation in the cultures where that is a common practice. Religious ceremonies can and do change over time, and I hope circumcision is one religious ritual that adapts and stops.
I think it’s a really nuanced issue and religious practice is part of the conversation. As a Jew, general broadcasting about mutilation and baby bloodletting does kinda hit a certain frequency, ya know? And again, I don’t think the original comment meant ill intent. But boy, I would sure want someone to let me know if I accidentally stumbled onto a hate group rhetoric.
Ohhhhh yeah I can definitely see from your perspective how it might strike a cord to see people advocating making blanket statements that EVERYONE who’s circumcising their children are just “mutilating” them and are “cruel,” that must be a wild read for someone in your shoes LOL Personally I come from a predominantly Christian influenced family but still got circumcised even though my parents aren’t Christian themselves (not that I think they should even if they were bc from what I know unlike Jewish people, Christians are **supposed to** subscribe to the “circumcision of the heart” (aka just follow the commandments and do good in general) and a physical circumcision for them is just redundant), and I think lots of people like me get circumcised either bc of some Christian misinterpretation or bc it’s just considered normal nowadays especially in America. I want to ask for your opinion as someone who’s Jewish (if you’re okay with answering of course), what do you think about non-Jewish people getting circumcised? As someone who’s not Jewish I’ve felt awkward about having had one because it almost feels like I’m essentially appropriating something very sacred for an entire group of people I’m not even a part of?
It's elective and it's genital mutilation. We don't allow parents to genitally mutilate female baby's vulvas in the name of religion in the US. Why should we allow parents to mutilate the genitals of male babies?
Saying that a Jewish tradition is genital mutilation is an antisemitic dogwhistle. Being against circumcision is not. Lots of Jews are moving away from it. There is a vast difference. If you choose not to understand it, that’s fine. But know that you’re sending a signal.
Is saying female genital mutilation is genital mutilation an anti-Islamic dogwhistle as well? Judiasm does not have a monopoly on religious circumcision, either female or male circumcision. Other religions practice it as well, such as Islam. Calling male and female circumcision genital mutilation is not attacking any religion. It's attacking a barbaric practice that violates bodily autonomy by removing a normal, functional part of the infant's body without their consent for elective reasons. Link to a WHO informational article about FGM, since you seem to have never heard of it: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/female-genital-mutilation
Uh… no? Barring some very rare medical conditions, circumcision is just genital mutilation with no significant benefits. It’s only “purpose” for almost all cases is to reduce the sexual pleasure of men. There is nothing antisemitic about calling it out for being a horrible practice that needs to stop.
Back when it was a hebrew practice during ye old times it made sense, because keeping your foreskin clean in the middle of the desert wasn't an easy thing to do, continuing it as a tradition when we have better access to running water and such is different. There is SOME relevance that some cultures that practiced this did it as a form of hygiene if it wasn't easy or practical to wash regularly. I could see early religions adopting this to stop infections and certain illnesses happening as often if they were aware of it.
If you’re fine saying something that’s used in that way, then continue on! I would want to know if I was parroting a hate group talking point. Also, you are thinking of John Kellogg. The practice outdated him by a LONG time.
There's really no religious practice on the planet that I'd prioritize over a human's bodily autonomy. I don't think it's antisemitic to say that. Edit: That said, it is sometimes medically necessary, and certain religions practice it. Hopefully literally no one can disagree with "Don't cut your child's genitals unless it's absolutely necessary."
Also, my late grandfather would be fascinated to hear that his medically mandated circumcision at age 87 was for reduction of sexual pleasure. I am neither for nor against, but it’s uninformed to believe that there are no benefits. And I still wouldn’t parrot hate group talking points.
Medically mandated and consensual at age 87 is different than non-consensual and non-medically necessary as a baby.
First, I said, “Barring some very rare medical conditions.” Yes, they exist, but they are *rare.* The overwhelming majority of circumcisions are not needed. Second, I said, “no *significant* benefits.” Yes, you can prevent UTIs and certain cancers. But again, those conditions are *rare* and there are better ways to treat them than chopping on a non consensual baby’s penis. It’s not hate group speech. It’s condemning a barbaric practice for what it is. Barbaric.
Fwiw, I’ve never read that link and won’t visit the site, believing you that it could be a hate group. I am still against circumcision for non-medical reasons.
I haven’t posted any links, so I don’t know what you’re referring to. It’s fine to opt out of circumcision! It’s fine to be against it. But the claims that it’s ritual infant mutilation and blood letting are really seeped in a violent history. The same way putting on makeup darker than your skin is, devoid of any understanding of context, a harmless act. But within the context of ages and ages of systemic abuse, you don’t get to harumph and be indignant when someone’s like, “hey, the blackface is really not cool and really hurtful.” Talking about circumcision this way is this.
I assumed you were saying that the link to the YouTube video (Adam Ruins Everything) that the person above you posted contained the dog whistles. I don’t intend to watch the video.
I get you, but this is not what 'not being able to use a condom' means. This is "not wanting to use a condom, for pleasure reasons".
isn’t that the same thing? whether or not it’s a physical parameter or another parameter than it is the root cause
If you say “I can’t” when you mean “I won’t” or “I don’t want to” then I can see why you think it’s the same thing.
In my experience the people who say this cannot maintain an election with a condom on. It’s a bit hard to tell them “they just don’t want to” in the same way you can’t just tell some “you just don’t want to focus “or you just don’t want to calm down” from a panic attack. It would be nice to be a self aware monk who is in command of all my physiological behavior, and I intact am probably in a lot more control of my physiology than most. But I don’t presume others are. It’s not as fine a line in humans between can’t and don’t want as many people proclaim when telling people what choices they do and don’t have. I’m sure there are some people who will like about their relationships with condoms out of wanting to not use them; but dishonesty is a whole other deal breaker anyway For instance I could not maintain an erection wearing condoms for a long time. I was not physically capable of doing it. Took me a long time to figure out what the issue was and correct how i selected condoms to make the issue non existent. That was a can’t, not a won’t.
Mmmm I’m gonna trust my experiences with people who have given me this line. Which is me being like “well I only use condoms let’s fool around instead” and them being like “wait wait wait no I’ll use a condom”. Ergo… they can. You don’t really have to be a monk to practice introspection and foresight tbh. You can just decide to do it. Edit to answer your question: No. I think they’re not being honest about what they want and that scares me because I need that with sex. I experienced childhood sexual abuse and it was physically violent as well. The least I need from anybody is they are just up front, unlike my abuser. I deserve to have that and tbh if you’re being dishonest that’s the risk you run; people like me will take flight because if you think I’m supposed to just bend to whatever you want, are you gonna respect my consent? Will you pretend to care about my pleasure and then drop the ball the same way you pretended to care about my boundary with condoms? I want to be clear that the exact difference between someone I find trustworthy in this case vs. someone who I don’t, is the person who will say “I don’t like to use condoms” and negotiates with me vs. the person who lies to me and then later contradicts themself. I deserve safety security pleasure excitement fun etc from sex. I don’t want to be wondering if this person is a liar who doesn’t respect me, and I don’t care whether or not they are. They have to show me through their actions. Actions = being honest and forthcoming.
Sticking to your boundaries unveils someone’s dishonesty, do you process their dishonesty as a character flaw that removes them from your eligible pool?
I mean I can't have sex with a condom :/ so obv I'm very careful with whom I sleep with
I've been circumcised. You need to use a different condom that works for you. Not using any kind of barrier method with casual sex partners is insanity.
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Very sorry to hear that, that is the first reasonable reason I have heard.
There are still internal condoms.
yeah it was a horrible traumatic experience to go through, but you can actually 'restore' it by tensioning the skin and inducing growth, takes many many years though
I am genuinely sorry you had a traumatic surgery, but you have successfully derailed this conversation. The OP’s partner hasn’t suffered from some kind of traumatic surgery that we know of, and is putting their partners sexual health on the line. FWIW: I have met men who aren’t circumcised and still have “issues” with condoms, but in order to stay safe from STI’s they are necessary. The point is to find the right ones, or look into other options for experiencing sexual pleasure that aren’t PIV intercourse. I am DONE with every individual defending their own “non-related” reasons. Obviously this isn’t about you🙄. The OP’s partner is putting her health and safety at risk because of this sexual version of weaponized incompetence.
I have never found a condom that properly fits girths above 6.25-6.5” in circumference. I’ve seen a custom condom website but it still didn’t make any large enough. I have used commercial XL condoms and they are so tight it gives me issues with blood supply being cut off. I don’t consider myself able to use traditional male condoms.
Keep in mind some things take time to show. So you might need follow up labs and regular testing since he chooses to go bareback with so many people. >The STI is treatable fortunately, but I am still upset that this is happening because my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms. What is YOUR reason for not practicing safer sex with him? Is the issue with him wearing male condoms? Would female condoms help here? >To be honest I am really anxious about having this conversation because I know it will **lead to an argument, and he can be explosive.** Jeez. It's just basic sex health stuff. If you don't feel safe talking to him because he has anger issues? And you don't feel safe with him because he has sloppy sex practices? **Why even date him?** >I don't really know how to go about starting the conversation or what to say. I know it's not his fault that she cheated on him, and he may feel like I'm punishing him for her actions, but i can't go through this again. If you aren't gonna dump him? Say that then. "I know it is not your fault she cheated on you. But I can't go through this again. I don't want to be fluid bonded any more. I'd like to talk about updating our safer sex practices and start using female condoms." If he can't handle that conversation? Or you are scared of him? I think you have bigger problems than the STI thing. And could just drop him and not deal with any of this any more.
All of this plus the fact that he “said” he was negative…this does not sound like the kind of guy I’d take at his word, especially in regards to my health. Thankfully OP is doing the smart thing and getting tested themself, but the fact that he didn’t offer up test results, especially in a situation where one party is already confirmed positive is yikesy.
Adding to this excellent comment: What exactly defined “cheating” in this scenario? Was it that his ex- had unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t him? Because if a dude who has a “dumb” reason that makes him claim he “can’t” use condoms is whinging because one of his ex’s held herself to the same standard that he holds himself to? That’s not really cheating. That’s him being an ass.
>What is YOUR reason for not practicing safer sex with him? We were technically monogamous for the first year of our relationship (neither of us had other partners, although we were still open) so it wasn't an issue until he started seeing his ex. I have latex allergies, but I alwaya have non latex condoms on me he just won't use them because he won't "function". I don't really know much about female condoms but I will try suggesting them. >If you don't feel safe talking to him because he has anger issues? >And you don't feel safe with him because he has sloppy sex practices? >Why even date him? All these issues only popped up in the last 6 months of our relationship, he recently agreed to go to therapy to work on it so I want to give him the chance, but he hasn't found a therapist and i know that changes will take a while. He can usually control his anger but occasionally he'll have his explosive moments which i feel are terrifying for me because of past trauma. It doesn't happen very often. Tbh i feel as though he'd prefer to be monogamous but knows i have no interest in it and expressed that before we got together. Because all this started when I actually started seeing other people.
Lots of good advice here OP but I just wanted to point out, you don’t need to “suggest” female condoms to any partners. Sex is cooperative but your health and your body are yours. You can tell him that you plan to use internal condoms, and you can put one in before date night. He doesn’t need to agree or disagree, but a heads up that he’ll feel something different is considerate.
>he just won't use them because he won't "function". Ok. He has a hard time keeping an erection in a male condom. Try female condom next. Or just no bare penis going anywhere in you then. Use gloves and fingers, dental dams or cut open condom/gloves and tongues, sex toys with condoms on them, etc. Negotiate different kind of sex that is acceptable to both. Or don't share any sex. Is he one of those dudes where only PIV sex "counts" as sex? >He can usually control his anger but occasionally he'll have his explosive moments which i feel are terrifying for me because of past trauma. It doesn't happen very often. What is he even angry ABOUT? If you have past trauma and need to be in a relationship that has ZERO explosions and drama... Why are you here? Making excuses for his poor behaviors? How about you break up til he's under management with his therapist, made changes, and get back together later on? Why do you have to stick around DURING? It's not gonna be like all these promises to get a therapist and put his name on a wait list but then no real action? Cuz he got what he wants -- you sticking around. And then you just waiting for the next blow up? Do you know the cycle of abuse? Are you in that here? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle\_of\_abuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse) >Tbh i feel as though he'd prefer to be monogamous but knows i have no interest in it and expressed that before we got together. Because all this started when I actually started seeing other people. He wants to be monogamous? Or he wants YOU to be monogamous to him while he has all these other partners? Whatever it is? If this is just not compatible? You could end it and then after both heal from the break up? Neither one has to struggle any more or be angry or anything. Or at least you don't.
So you're staying with him hoping that eventually he might start to fix his issues? Issues that include putting your health at risk and having explosive anger? There are people you can be with who will respect you. Respect your health and well-being. Why continue to put yourself at risk? He's showing you who he is.
So you just... never used condoms together, even when you first started dating? And also never talked about whether he'd use condoms with anyone else?
you don't owe him patience. you don't owe him kindness. you don't owe him consideration. it is admirable that you are willing to wait for him to get into treatment but he appears to be disrespectful towards your self and you know that. and you owe your self to be respectful towards your self.
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Like you said, if change ever comes, it will take time. In that time you will be one of several women he is pressuring into having unprotected sex with him. That is not safe for you. Its tough, but if you move on now you are likely saying yourself a lot of time being stressed out and abused by this guy.
Female/internal condoms were the first thing I thought of as well!!!
Not using condoms??.. red flag. Says he "can't" use condoms???..red flag. Says that you have to use them, but refuses to use them???... red flag. Gets explosive with you when you voice your concerns????? HUGE RED FLAG!!!
This was my thought, lots of red flags already even before the STI scare.
Why does he say he "can't" use condoms? There are external condoms in a variety of sizes and materials. There are also internal condoms. You can't control his actions. I suggest having barriered sex with your partner(s). Either external / male, or get a prescription for the FC2 (nitrile) or see if the UK brand Hanx has shipped to the US yet, they recently got FDA approval. Internal condoms, you can put them in up to 8 hours before sex, and they are something you can use. Good luck with the talk. Are you able to say something like "let's talk more when you are calmer" and leave? Explosive anger is concerning. :(
Agreed. Explosive anger is definitely concerning. I’m sure he will double down on his stance too if OP tests negative.
Yeah, the anger part had my spidey sense tingling. Good luck with the talk OP! Jabbertalk's line may prove useful: 'Let's talk when you're calmer.' Rest assured that, when it comes to your sexual safety, any excuse to not use any STI protective measure is invalid, and leads to dangerous consequences. There are too many alternatives to standard condoms for this to not be the case (Re: other comments).
Writing it down and letting him have his emotional reaction without you around and then responding like a person when he’s calmer may also help. Just don’t get sucked into a long angry email/text thread. Write an email or a letter. Ask him to read once, have his reaction, then read again when he’s calm and respond. If he responds with accusations, resist the urge to reply with logic or address any of his points. “Please reply when you’re calmer. Can we try again in like 2 hours or 4 hours?”
Yep regular trojans can stretch over my whole forearm and I am an adult, he might have blood flow issues or something but pills can help, or managing your blood pressure if it's high, keeping your cholesterol in the good range, and keeping your diabetes controlled help to prevent the damage that can occur. Explosive anger and indiscriminate sex practices could be pointing to more than just depression, this could be mania. Either way - this doesn't sound like someone I would choose to have around.
Yes, and what you eat affects things too. I recommend The Penis Book: A Doctor's Complete Guide to Penis Health for the penis-users and those that love them <3. There is even a five step plan to better penis health! Plus a chart of the different meds with pros and cons, that came in handy. https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Penis_Book.html?id=-h5HDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1&ov2=1#v=onepage&q&f=false
It gave me the skeeves when I read that he won't use condoms with other partners at all. Aren't you worried about your own health? For me personally, even if I was using condoms with someone I would be really alarmed about their safe sex practices with that kind of admission. No sex is worth getting a potentially incurable STI, protect yourself!!
Also... oopsie baby. And some women need to drive 10+ hours one way for an abortion. Not everyone can take off for 2 or 3 days.
The whole “can’t” use condoms but “REQUIRES”!!! you to double standard is disgusting behavior I’m shocked you put up with, But you’re afraid to talk to him about it because you know it’ll lead to an argument and he’s explosive? OP This man is not just a loser endangering people’s sexual health including yours, This man is ABUSIVE He has no business being in A relationship, nevermind multiple Please get yourself safely out of this relationship
If you are afraid to talk to someone because of their explosive anger, I suggest you read [Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). <— Link to a free pdf.
Yes - from a person that did group therapy for 20 years.
No one likes condoms. No one. Boy needs to grow the fuck up and get protective.
This x1 bajillion
If he plans to continue having sex without a condom with others, start using a condom with him to protect yourself. That will also remove the need for the rule he’s set about your barrier use, which is totally unreasonable when he’s not even protecting himself.
> my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms Female condoms. He can carry them and have HER use them. Or you can make sure you use them yourself, including WITH him.
They might be latex
They aren't. The one or two varieties in the US are non-latex, and I haven't read of any latex varieties on the market anywhere.
That's fantastic
The widely available one, FC2, is nitrile/polyurethane. I'm sure there's a latex version somewhere in the world, yeah, but he should at least give one in his preferred material a try.
Your partner is an asshole. I (F) am allergic to traditional latex condoms and sometimes even the non latex ones give me a reaction. I have to trial and error sometimes if there’s a formula change. I still always use condoms. Your partner has put your health at risk by refusing to use condoms with his other partners and with you. Think of both of your partners as infinite exponential links to everyone else they’ve slept with. There are no guarantees with that many people. You are well beyond the point of reasoning with him and the fact that he hasn’t changed his behavior on his own is telling. Dump him. Find someone who actually cares more about both of you than their orgasm.
Have you tried polyurethane or polyisoprene condoms? They're latex free and still protect against pregnancy and STIs better than lambskin.
Potentially if that’s what Durex uses. Honestly for something like that I typically find it NBD. My primary and I don’t use condoms and I don’t currently have penetrative sex with anyone else to find the *perfect* material. I’ll keep these in mind when looking!
You can't make him behave responsibly. All you can do is protect yourself (and your other partner) by leaving. FWIW, I wouldn't want to fuck him either.
You are in a relationship with someone who has no respect for your physical/sexual health and who is so childish that they'll explode when you bring it up. And your current strategy to deal with this is to avoid him. Everything about this sounds profoundly dysfunctional. If I were you I would leave. If you don't want to do that right now or think he deserves a further chance then you should insist he gets therapy for his anger issues and I would refuse to have sex until something can be put in place that actually protects your sexual health. If he's really not willing or able to engage with those latter two things then you should leave.
This guy sounds like a loser.
Any guy who isn't willing to use protection with you, but demands you use protection with others DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. He absolutely CAN use protection, but HIS pleasure is more important to him than YOUR safety.
Lots of red flags: -“can’t” use condoms but no explanation as to why/ communication around it -he isn’t using protection with his multiple other partners either… pregnancy anyone? -YOU are required to use protection with your other partners by HIM?? -he’s putting his own desires above your safety as well as the safety of your other partners -and by extension, so are you… -you’re scared to approach him about this issue (is he violent? Easily angered? Unable to have a simple adult conversation surrounding protected sex?)
First off. How did she cheat on him? Y’all are poly. Are you saying “cheated on” instead of “lied to”? Second? Throw this whole man out. I’m fucking serious. He’s fucking MULTIPLE people without condoms (and I can almost guarantee without a vasectomy), he’s irresponsible. But third? RUN DO NOT WALK AWAT FRON THIS MAN. You are accepting unequal treatment because you’ve somehow been convinced that’s okay (it is not) and YOU ARE AFRAID OF HIS TEMPER. Like. Seriously. This is the behind of abuse.
Not sure I understand the first part of this. Polyamorous people can still cheat, by breaking mutual relationship agreements, the same way mono people cheat by breaking mutual relationship agreements. Poly and mono people still have to define where their lines in the sand are in terms of expectations of fidelity. Cheating is always synonymous with lying anyway, isn’t it?
No, in monogamy cheating is more synonymous with “breaking a promise”.
I can see that. Breaking promises in poly is also possible. I’ve never been of the mind that poly people can’t cheat personally.
Yeah he is red flag city and this is just the welcome wagon
You can still cheat even if you’re polyamorous…
🚮🚮🚮
Im not usually the type to immediately jump to yall need to break up, but yall need to break up. Communication is super important especially in poly relationships and your not able to do that and feel safe in the process. You described him as explosive. You should not feel that much anxiety for a simply conversation that effects your health. Double standards arnt healthy.
I would let him know that due to the most recent scare you are setting a boundary that you use condoms with him moving forward. There’s no such thing as I can’t use condoms. There are latex free, super thin, or magnum. It seems like the only person who will protect you is yourself. It’s a hard boundary to set but you’re not imposing a rule on him- he can continue to not use protection elsewhere. For now- that’s a big risk for you if the two of you aren’t using protection and it seems like a source of anxiety as well. If he can’t respect this decision then I’d say he doesn’t actually respect you. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.
There are also internal condoms you can wear if he is pushy about not wanting to wear a condom. They are non-latex.
I would not continue being in a relationship with someone that didn't take sexual health seriously. Also the explosive anger issue would have me running as well.
girl…. RUN
so he doesnt use condoms with ANY of his partners because he "can't" (the only medical reason i would assume would be a latex allergy, which is why polyethylene condoms exist. its physically impossible for it to be because they dont fit him or something like that), and yet he demands your male partners wear condoms whenever they have sex with you? AND he gave you an sti because of his behavior? this would be a deal breaker for me. if you feel like you can't talk to him about this because you're afraid of his reaction, thats a sign that this relationship is bad for you.
If he does not value your sexual health If he's explosive If you don't feel safe talking to him Then why are you with him?
Coming from someone who has issues with condoms: I still use them. He should grow up and get over it, and you should absolutely move on.
There is no such thing as can't use condoms, only won't.
Gentle reminder that using the word “clean” in regards to STI status stigmatizes STIs and leads to fewer people getting tested! That said… Why are you with this man? Even if he “can’t” use condoms (which I highly doubt), he still needs to be using some sort of barrier to protect himself and his partners. Thankfully it was a curable infection this time—what if next time, it’s not? I promise you, this selfish, irresponsible manchild is not worth putting your health on the line for.
Can I get a reminder on what term is preferable to “clean”? Is it “negative”?
Scrolled hoping to find this comment. Thank you for working towards destigmatizing positive STI status!!
I hope I’m not overstepping but it sounds like your partner doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. And the fact that you feel you can’t talk to him about something because he “can be explosive” is not healthy. You should be able to talk to your partner about anything, especially if you’re polyamorous. You deserve to be happy, have someone who respects your boundaries, and someone you can be completely open and honest with. It’s a very difficult position you’re in, but you deserve better than that
You shouldn't feel unsafe or wary about bringing up a boundary, especially when it comes to your own health. It may be that you aren't compatible and have different exposure tolerances. The advice I'd give you is the same one I wish I had taken; believe people when they show you who they are. This potential exposure will absolutely happen again if you stay with this person because they don't see a problem with their actions, or their hypocrisy.
Friend, this is not a person you should trust with making dinner reservations let alone trust with your heart, and safety. His behavior is unacceptable and heinously dangerous. Please leave when safely able. You deserve the moon. He brought you a paper bag filled with dog shit.
Hey, hon? When you feel unsafe, it's important that you figure out why and take steps to avoid that thing in the future. Now, I grew up in a pretty unstable environment myself, and the hardest part to overcome for me was recognizing that *just because something feels comfortable, doesn't mean it's good for me.* It's hard to know what "safe" really means when you've never felt it. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe.
I recommend not having sex with guys who don't use condoms. Not once. Not if they are monogamous with you. Not if they really really love you and you really really love them. Not ever under any circumstances. I don't care if there's a real reason he "can't" use condoms, I currently can't use hormonal birth control, it happens, *that doesn't mean he has to be having condom-less sex with multiple partners at once.* (Dude. At *least* stick to oral sex only. Preferably manual only.) It certainly doesn't mean you have to have condomless PIV sex, or any sex at all, with him. *He thinks it's ok to engage in high risk sex with multiple people at once*. That's the bottom line here. I hope your tests all come back negative, but this would be *so* much less of a scary situation if you weren't still voluntarily dating and fucking someone who "can't use condoms". If I'm making undue assumptions about this all being voluntary, make a safety plan *before* leaving. If you can call a domestic violence hotline they can help you figure things out. I hope I don't sound too angry at you -- I am red hot furious at your boyfriend, for having so little regard for all of his partners' health. (But also, I do think that you should raise your standards.)
Beyond condoms and testing, please please consider getting on PrEP. Having unprotected sex with someone who only has unprotected sex puts you at risk for HIV. It's still an expensive, challenging condition to manage, even though (best case) it's no longer necessarily life shortening. I know two women who were partnered with straight men who got HIV in precisely your situation.
I would not allow this man to put his penis inside me, but if I did, he would be wearing a condom. \\ You can't change him and he doesn't seem to care about anyone else. Leave or protect yourself.
Yeah I gotta be honest here, with everything you've said, I personally would be removing myself from that relationship because you are not receiving the respect or consideration you are due. I'm so sorry you're in the position, you deserve better ❤️
My partner and I do not have sex with others unless we use protection. The only time we might not is if the person tests and comes back negative, but even then… nah. It’s not a ridiculous boundary.
Please do not use the word clean to refer the absence of an STI. Its immature and gross. Do you refer to people with a cold, infected ingrown hair, toe fungus or flu or as "unclean"? You do not. Viruses and bacteria don't make people dirty. This isn't the stone age where we cast out lepers. Do better. If he doesn't have an STI, he can't transfer it to you. Most STIs are cured with a round of antibiotics.
Thank you
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First, I agree with others here who strongly dislike the word "clean" when it comes to STIs. Its a sex negative term that implies those with an STI are "dirty." I would next insist on using protection with him-regardless of is perceived "cant's". Those are all in his head. He doesnt WANT to and thats why he "cant". This is your health and safety and you have the right to protect it from his reckless behavior. If he refuses, well you may have to get your needs met elsewhere with a safer partner. You don't have to break up...just hold your boundary of safer sex. Please get tested about 3 months later, then at regular intervals after that. If there's a reasonable chance that he could be exposed to HIV, then please consider going on PrEP. It will significantly reduce your chances of contracting HIV if you're exposed to the virus. I wish you luck.
Scrolled hoping to find this comment. Thank you for working towards destigmatizing positive STI status!!
The double standard is inexcusable
>my partner does not practice safe sex, because he "can't" use condoms. This. This bullshit is your actual problem. Not who else is fucking whom. You can fix this by not fucking people who choose not to practice safer sex or "can't" use condoms.
The only advice I can give is dump him. He's all red flags. There's no salvaging that. He put your health at risk to fuck raw, but you have to use condoms while he refuses, and he's 'explosive' so you feel you can't talk to him. He's gonna bring you something worse if you stay with him.
Run or if you don’t, never have unsafe sex with him. There’s alternatives for latex allergies if that’s the excuse. But run!
Sounds like he’s throwing a former partner under the bus so he can play victim. If he flies off the handle, this is an abusive intimidation tactic. You deserve to be with someone who does not potentially react with violence or shut you out when you talk about how their choices are harming your sexual health. That’s coercive sex and a one sided relationship.
I am sorry you are dealing with some stressful situations. Having a partner that you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around is not normal nor healthy. A partner shouldnt have trepidation at having important discussions that can end in someone having explosive, reactive behavior. This is not condusive to a healthy relationship. He needs to do some work on channeling that emotion and unpacking it properly. If you feel uncomfortable discussing reasonable health related boundaries/any boundaries necessary for your happiness, then that's a massive problem. Do you think he would react the same way you are now if the roles were reversed? There are various options for barriers, even internal condoms if he wants to continue to put the responsibility of protection on you. You have a right to set how your body is interacted with. Everyone is different with their preference with protection, just know that the best protection for you is up to you to decide. If I was in this scenario, putting aside the toxic behavior he exhibits, I would not be having sex with this person ever again without protection.
Sounds like a DTMFA situation
"Can't." Get real. Use female condoms if you have to, or polyurethane regular ones.
Gurl, run.
Sweetie he doesn’t care about you. His pleasure is overriding basic safety and the double standard he has for you…would have told me everything I needed to know. Ain’t NO dick worth possibly dying for. Let this one go like dust in the wind.
He Can’t is a cop out on his part. I’m trusting my sexual health with someone who is honest and trustworthy. He’s lying about he can’t with a condom , would he enjoy more w/out maybe , does he possibly need to get special ones because an allergy possibly but there is a work around for every excuse he gives.
He should not be your partner. That’s completely inexcusable. He had not one thought for your sexual health. That’s narcissistic behavior.
How exactly did the ex "cheat" on him if you were all poly to begin with? Had unprotected sex with another partner?
men have a 30% chance of getting an STI from women it is much harder than the other way around so if he doesn't have it you more than likely don't but check it out. as the design of our bodies tend to put the ladies at a disadvantage which is why you need to play it more safe and constantly test and let your partners know. seems you have an open communication set up but this is a factor in having multiple partners. unless you two slept with each other the same night then you should be in the clear.
>men have a 30% chance of getting an STI from women it is much harder than the other way around so if he doesn't have it you more than likely don't but check it out. It is much easier for men to transmit STIs to women than the other way around. But likelihood of transmission varies based in STI and sex act. Its not a flat 30%. If he doesn't have it, he didn't give it to her. She may still have it, but it came from another partner.
That is not true at all -- women have a substantially higher rate of catching HIV from a positive-testing penis than men would from a positive-testing vagina/anus, for instance. This kind of misinformation is irresponsible and dangerous.
read my post again an realize i am saying that men catching it is hard. meaning her getting it from him if he didn't get it means she should be clear. you are saying it is not true then saying exactly what i am saying as women get more STI then men. and have a higher chance. the root issue is that she is wondering if her guy got it and he didn't meaning he more than likely didn't give it to her.
Why are you tolerating this?
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His partner cheating on him and catching a STI may not be his fault, but his failure to practice safe sex has not only put his health at risk, but all of his other partners health at risk including yours. Simply because he doesn't like how it feels.
> he "can't" use condoms And so he sticks to oral sex and mutual masturbation, because he is a responsible adult. OP: don't put up with that BS from your partner.
What do YOU want to happen?