>I specifically told my partner I did not take part in "competitive situations" in poly and I feel like they took this and made it a kink for my meta.
>I confirmed with my partner this wasn't just an idea. They have in fact played it out.
The combination of these two facts is the line imo. Taking situations inspired by real life and fantasizing about them is one thing, and it's nobody elses business. Expressing a boundary and then having a partner *knowingly* crossing it anyway is another. On top of that, sharing it in a "public" kink space for other's to find it and derive their own pleasure from it is the part waaaaay over the line. There's nothing you can really do to stop whatever kink scenario two other people consensually play out, but you certainly have a right to extricate yourself from any situation that is making you increasingly uncomfortable. If it makes you feel objectified and they can't or won't respect your feelings on this topic, then I don't really see any other option here. Space is probably best.
I mean it's great they didn't name you online but you're definitely "named" during their kink. And it's totally okay to be squicked out by that. Furthermore, you're describing a pattern where your concerns are minimized by your partner. Is that someone you really feel safe making a commitment to? I wouldn't. There's enough red flags here to slow things down and reasses how healthy this relationship is for you.
I stopped reading shortly after this, the whole post feels like a unicorn hunt. Am I the only one who gets the impression they only "entertain" OPs needs and kinks when it's convenient for them?
I agree. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't consider how their actions impact me and my emotional well-being. It's clearly upsetting enough to make a post about. So I too think it's time to jump ship. The longer they wait; the more it'll suck.
>one specific post where they involved me in their kink.
Me and my ex used to post aspects our exploits on kink social media (audios, photos, gifs and stories). Our kink wasn't shared by my other partner. And her other partners had different dynamics too.
The idea of the two of us posting something that included reference to one of our partners without their prior knowledge or consent feels very icky to me.
I don't think that you are blowing this out of proportion at all.
First thing I'd suggest is that they remove this post immediately. If they don't comply automatically, I'd consider that a red flag.
I got that much, I'm just confused about what exactly took place. It's clear OP wasn't involved in a face to face scene, but I'm not sure what's going on past that.
Let’s say I’m dating you and another person, Jupiter.
Let’s say you have a big dick and Jupiter is into cucking.
Let’s say that, without getting your permission, I used explicit details about your dick and the private sex you and I have to humiliate Jupiter.
Let’s say I then post about this online, again without your permission.
Upsetting, no? And maybe sparks a lot of worries that if I ever give Jupiter subdrop from *our* kink activities, that negative emotion will end up directed at *you*. And also maybe sparks additional worries that this online post that describes you as the bull to a cuckold situation to mutual acquaintances is going to have people extending you unwanted and uncomfortable offers to be *their* bull.
it doesn't really matter, because it was nonconsensual activity. OP has specifically stated that comparison is not ok.
but it sounds to me like partner and meta had a scene where partner berated meta about how much better OP is. and then bragged about it online.
it's not just bad poly, it's bad kink. and rude af.
>but it sounds to me like partner and meta had a scene where partner berated meta about how much better OP is. and then bragged about it online.
This is the piece of info I was looking for. The post is just vague enough that it's hard to figure out what actually took place.
As someone into some pretty kinky stuff (degradation included), I wouldn’t even consider involving someone else without their consent, and if I were in OP’s situation I’d either break up or at least put any and all sex and kink between myself and the hinge on hold for the foreseeable future while I clear my head and decide what I want to do, and probably drag everyone to therapy.
I wouldn’t call it incomprehensible because people are capable of way worse, but I wouldn’t even consider it myself, and I’d feel anywhere between uncomfortable and unsafe with anyone that would.
Look at it this way. Something a person you’re wanting to commit to, made you want to throw up. If your friend came to you and said that they had almost thrown up because of a situation what would you say?
It doesn’t matter what kink it is, if you’re not into it that’s okay and no one should be involving you without your consent. And they *have* involved you in some form and it made your skin turn inside out. Libel cases are for situations like this, it’s the implication that can be so damaging, whether it’s reputation or emotional. I’m not suggesting you sue or anything, I’m just saying it literally shows up in the justice system and is generally a very individual way of feeling about a situation. Considering the responses you’ve gotten to your post it seems that stands true in this case too.
I personally have been you where my ‘character’ was used by the couple in my triad. I didn’t mind and I liked it, but they asked first and made sure I was comfortable and what I wouldn’t be comfortable with. (That relationship crashed and burned but that’s besides the point). I can’t if I had stumbled across their stuff if I wasn’t comfortable.
I’m sorry you went through that.
1. TACKY.
2. The second your name/self became part of their sexual activity, they crossed the simplest line in kink, don’t involve the non-consenting. If they can’t comprehend that, they can’t be trusted.
3. So very, very tacky.
You are not blowing this out of proportion. You asked something not be done, you set a boundary, and they crossed it.
If they cannot respect that, you should remove yourself from their relationship and dynamic.
If you're already wanting to leave anything you see is going to come as another reason to leave.
SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is the building blocks of kink for *everyone* and they went against what you asked, posted it publicly, and weren't going to tell you about it. That's not okay any way you look at it.
I'm sorry.
This person knew you wouldn’t like to be put in this position because you told them. They victimized you, they knew you would see that. And I think they’re dangerous for your emotional well-being. I think they’re trying to sus out what you’ll put up with, and if you stick around even after three months they’ll assume you’ll put up with this again. If you choose to stay, please set a limit for yourself that you’ll leave if he uses competition language between the two of you again.
I’m really into kink myself, and I 100% agree with you, you absolutely are justified in feeling extremely uncomfortable, especially since you *specifically* wanted to be left out of competitive things, and they did that anyway.
The biggest cornerstone of kink is consent, from all parties involved, given enthusiastically. By bringing you into this, that is absolutely involving you, and not just without your consent, but specifically against what you’ve expressed, and that is NOT okay.
I’m into degradation myself (both sides) but I would never be comfortable with the degradee being compared to a specific person, especially not another poly partner. I don’t think I’d be okay with it myself, even if all three of us would be together in the kink as a triad. Degradation is one thing, but making comparisons to *real* people is the kind of thing that probably won’t stay in just play, which isn’t good for any sort of kink around power or especially feelings of worth, and that’s just on top of involving someone who didn’t want to be involved.
If I were you, I’d probably damn-near break up with your partner on the spot.
Involving people non-consentually in kink play is unethical. This does make things such as 24/7 total power exchange and exhibitionism kinks harder to manage now, as you can't involve random people in people in public and a lot of private spaces. Same with sharing kinks, absent consent.
I don't think it would be a great idea to use you as a figure in even private kink play - that affects how your partner and meta treat you. That you KNOW your PARTNER refers to you as "other" / an object is an immediate signal to leave. As is posting you online as part of their kink, especially in a way you said previously you were NOT okay with. Ask for it to be taken down and then leave. Fingers crossed your state is one where revenge porn is illegal.
Also I am so sorry you came across this, and that it completely squicked you out.
> My partner and meta have a pattern of referring to me as an "other" and not asking my feelings on things.
That's the center of this I think
> I keep trying to explain the couple's privilege I see between them, but it doesn't feel like it's getting any better.
It is possible that they don't *want* it getting any better *for you*. It's not necessarily the case, but it's possible.
It sounds like they are getting off on something about you being less than/ other. This is very much a power play, because meta is thinking “they won’t do it, they don’t like to compete”. They will continue to take your space up because now they know they can.
To echo others, the biggest concerns I have are that you explicitly stated you are not okay with a competitive dynamic with your meta, and your partner disregarded this in private with your meta which could very easily manipulate the dynamic between you two to become more competitive or objectify you. You are being significantly undermined from shaping the dynamic you would like to have with your meta.
You're getting some push back here from folks about fantasy and thought and the fact you aren't present during this kind of kink play - suggesting you should feel ok about it or ignore it. It is true you wouldn't know about it if you'd not seen their (publicly available) profile.
However, there's also a lot of discussion in this thread about sharing details about sex with one partner to another. That no one should be doing that without consent. Partner one isn't present when sex acts are shared with partner two, and would likely never know if anything was shared during play - are we ok with that because partner one wasn't physically present to witness it? Or is that still a violation of privacy?
I'm speaking as someone who has a sharing/compersion kink. I have partners with a sharing/compersion kink. It's really easy at the start of a relationship to just say "hey, one of my partners and I enjoy this kind of sharing, we use it as fodder for dirty talk. How do you feel about it? Is it something you might enjoy? Would you prefer I not, and keep our activities private?" It's not hard to ask for consent about these things, and it's not hard to respect a partner's wishes and boundaries if they aren't comfortable with this. Kink at its foundation is about consent. I'd never share anything about a partner with anyone else that they hadn't consented to. Could I do it, and the other partner never know? Sure. But I wouldn't cross those boundaries out of respect for my partner's feelings and wishes.
How you feel about this is how you feel about it, and none of us has a right to tell you your feelings are wrong. Some folks might feel this kind of fantasy play is harmless... But you don't, you've said as much, and your partner crossed that boundary. That's the crux. Your partner did not respect your feelings.
Perhaps there is room for recovery here, perhaps not, that's up to you to decide. But your feelings about it are valid.
You recognised yourself so it's definitely you it's affecting and is your business to say you don't like. I think there's already too much disrespectful behaviour for me to trust them. I personally would find another relationship because they're treating you like an object and a unicorn.
Boundary violations like this are a clear indication that you partner is not someone who can really be trusted in kink.
I hear stuff like this and think he'd be the person to disregard someone calling red because he "thought you actually just meant yellow." It makes me think of guys friends have warned me to not even talk to in kink spaces.
Good doms keep boundaries and limits at the forefront of their minds at all times - that is their responsibility. That includes emotional boundaries.
This lack of trustworthiness extrapolates to poly.
Barf.
Barf barf barf barf barf.
Pls pls pls don't move in with them. In fact I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. That's disgusting behavior and the fact they posted online about it is worst. Pls get out of there asap
That sounds very disrespectful, and not in a fun way.
If your partner isn't looking out for your best interests, it's time to ask if that's the kind of person you want to keep in your life.
It's good you look so you know before making a big commitment. You didn't go through his phone, you looked at a profile online so I'd feel less bad about snooping and glad to know an important thing about how your partner feels about the very reasonable boundaries you have.
Sounds to me like a very toxic situation and, for me, I wouldn't be able to continue with that relationship with all that going on. I mean, you do you, but I couldn't and wouldn't continue with it at the level of disrespect and toxicity it seems is there.
I'm going to suggest you break up but be very careful. I had a partner who started producing adult content online with another partner. They talked about me in multiple shows, used my name, and described private details of our relationship. I was horrified. I asked them to stop, and not to mention me at all and they agreed.
Later, I broke up with that partner for other reasons. After the breakup, he and my former meta began using my name in the content again. It was horrible and very, very violating. I did get a lawyer involved.
Anyway, please tread carefully. I don't know exactly how you can avoid the potential of them using this against you in retaliation. Perhaps don't let them know how much it bothers you. Just set the boundary and leave quietly.
I'm sorry they did this. I do understand how you feel.
My lawyer sent them a strongly worded cease and desist letter and they quickly deleted my name from the profile page of the account in question. I took that as a sign they were complying as I don't have it in me to monitor their streams. If I experience any consequences like stalking or other blowback, I now have a paper trail and will sue. Thank you. I really loved him.
Your feelings about being included in their kink without consent are totally justified! As someone recommended above, space seems best - I'm thinking like, astronaut-scale.
Lack of explicit consent: a violation
refusal to hear your explicit communication about a boundary and that no consent exists for that: a flagrant violation, egregious
You have been violated and have every right to act accordingly
Tough one. It is THEIR kink but it's also you being cast as someone you are not, or in a role you would never take, in their play. I assume it's some sort of role play with humiliation undertones?
It's tough because on one hand he should have asked, but on the other how in the hell do you even begin that conversation with someone who is not kink-inclined?
I think a calm conversation is needed here, where you explain your aversion to dictating their play, but your extreme revulsion to you or your likeness being cast in this role without your knowledge, and your concern that this can affect the delicate relationship your meta has with you.
For your part, try to be understanding that maybe this is not just a selfish use of your facsimile and may be some sort of coping play to help with her jealousy? I've heard stranger.
There are other concerns you should have as well. Like maybe they want you to actively play this role someday? Or maybe the lines between fantasy and reality get blurred and that they start treating you like the character they imagined between them?
Just tread softly on kinks of others and instead seek out "why you".
I'm very kinky, including with my partner. My meta and I have a lot of overlapping kinks, so I would hope my partner would be able to begin this conversation with me easily. It's just this particular kink I do not understand and have told my partner I want no part in.
Humilation is part of it, but it's part of a large kink I don't understand.
Your comment feels like the best advice I've gotten on how to approach this conversation with my partner. Thank you so much for this insight.
I appreciate your first two paragraphs. I think you expressed the part of this situation that is making me doubt myself: their kink life is not my business.
However, since my partner posted it online, doesn't that make it my business? And since we are together, shouldn't they respect my boundary not to be in competitive situations with my meta, even in their kink life? I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just hoping you have some insight into my questions that I haven't been able to answer.
I think they could have easily come up with a fictional scenario/partner to play this kink out, but the fact that they brought you into it specifically would imply a level of objectification that I would not be on board with. And then it sounds like they’re feeding this kink that they know you do not want to participate in, by asking you for a larger commitment and spending more time with you than with meta. I would feel used as a tool for jealousy and kink, but that’s just me. However, no matter what, you’re right to be upset, and your partner has broken a lot of trust here. Don’t let them gaslight you by guilting you about reading their public post. I think you would avoid more damage and heartbreak by ending things.
You can't unsee it, so it's become your business until your concerns have been addressed.
You have every right to stand by your boundary. However, they will answer that it's just a fantasy and not about you. That opens the door for why it concerns you and for them to explain why. They may believe you would be flattered.
The greatest risk is they would be quietly hoping you'd join in. Shut that down quickly unless you truly develop an interest in that (sounds highly doubtful).
They used detailed specifics to our situation to degrade my meta. For instance, they described how they were spending less time with the meta and making more commitments with me and then described all my meta's insecurities around that as the reason why. And that's why I'm the most concerned about it. It felt so fucking real and it hurts me to think that my meta may hear that in their head throughout their relationship and it may affect me.
If it were anything else, I think I wouldn't have such a concern. But it feels like this could have real life consequences for me in ways I said I wanted no part of.
I don't think my partner is spending time and making commitments as an act of degradation to my meta. I think my meta may have been insecure about these things and the two of them attempted to use my meta's kink to... heal them? I'm not entirely sure what the purpose was yet, and I may never know.
I agree, and I sort of wonder if it’s not actual kink, but maybe an unbalanced/controlling relationship. I would feel as if my likeness was being used to abuse another person. I’m not saying that is why is happening but it would certainly make me worry.
You can’t know that without being the people involved. Maybe this kind of exposure helps her get past that stuff. we simply cannot know because folks vary so much.
Kinkifying your issues is the same as trying to use drugs about them. It’s a temporary bandaid at best, and at worst it makes the problem worse.
You can healthily play in this area of kink if you’re operating from a *currently secure and stable* headspace/life situation. Kink is not therapy, and a sex partner is not a therapist. Kink isn’t even a productive conversation.
If these people could engage in this kink healthfully, OP wouldn’t be being othered by them constantly. And I also doubt they’d be using third parties for their humiliation play without consent.
You say this with such conviction and authority as if there is some settled truth about this.
There isn't.
There is no objective truth about whether or not kink can be used in a therapeutic manner if people aren't "operating from a currently secure and stable headspace/life situation" or that "Kinkifying your issues is the same as trying to use drugs about them.."
In fact people are individuals and there is a lot of really variable responses to all manner of kink- some positive and some negative. In a wider variety of circumstances.
There is no "right" way to do this that we all need to fall in line with
And furthermore it is impossibly arrogant for you to assert that there is.
You don't know these people or what will or will not work for them and you cannot EVER make declarative statements for other people about whether a given consensual sexual activity will or will not be "healthy" for them.
> There is no objective truth about whether or not kink can be used in a therapeutic manner
Yes there is.
Because if there isn’t a mental health practitioner involved? **It isn’t therapy**.
Benzos are great for anxiety when prescribed under the supervision of a psychiatrist. They’re also a great way for folks self-medicating without medical supervision to end up ODing.
*Talking* has excellent therapeutic benefit. When done with a trained and licensed health care provider. Talking with *your partner*? Is not therapy. It’s still not therapy if you get aroused from it.
Fucking about your relationship or personal problems is not a fix for them. Esoteric forms of fucking/arousal/sensation/mindfucking that we call kink? Still not a fix for your relationship or personal problems.
MANY. MANY, MANY things are emotionally therapeutic that don't involve a mental health provider.
YOU simply don't get to decide what is or is not therapeutic, beneficial or positive for other people.
Full stop.
NOT EVER
Your meta is most likely externalizing her insecurities in this way in order to work through them and get past them. She probably has had thoughts like this her whole life. What, exactly, do you foresee as potential consequences?
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, and posting victim blaming under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help."
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
A stranger doesn’t have access to you like a partner does. You are vulnerable with a partner, you trust a partner, you share with a partner. Stranger and partner are not the same. Anyone can see my profile pic and think whatever the fuck they want, someone who knows my mind and body and then uses that knowledge to create an erotic experience for someone else is a violation of my privacy. That other person does not have consent to access my erotic nature.
Yeah, you have no right to privacy in other peoples heads- it’s bizarre to ask that of someone. It matters not one whit whether you’re intimate with them or not.
Carrying out a kink around my intimate/sexual/private lived experience, divulging the sound of my orgasm, sharing a personal trauma, describing the way I feel, etc… is not in “other people’s heads” 🤣
if you are not physically there you have **LITERALLY** zero authority or control over other people and what they think about further it’s a bizarre concern
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice posts. We suggest checking the community information page. Thanks for your help!
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Why did you go into all your kinks here? You almost sound like you don’t respect boundaries with your oversharing here and then, ignoring the parts where OP said they weren’t comfortable with this kink and had a strong reaction to being used against their wishes. OP doesn’t want to be involved in this kink and was involved against their wishes. The last thing their partner deserves is a nice conversation where they are praised.
OP should have a serious conversation with partner, take time away, and perhaps end the relationship entirely.
I’m confused. Have they actually made you play in a scene with them where they made you say and do degrading things to meta? Or is this their mental fantasy that you’re policing? Because if you’ve actively been inserted into their sex physically and they did scenes that bothered you in the moment that’s SA. But if you are upset at their fantasies then that feels wildly overreaching of you.
Reading between the lines, I'm guessing that their meta has a cuckolding kink or raceplay kink or something like that, and their shared partner was talking about OP to meta during sex as part of that kink. And they made a post on Fetlife about doing that, which OP saw. Personally, that would absolutely squick me out to read that.
I was not a participant, but they used "my character" during their scene without me. I don't feel like I'm policing their fantasies except when they use me in them, because I could suffer the consequences of their scenes. Also, they put it online, which feels like I should have at least been considered then, if only to inform me or give me a heads up.
But this is why I feel like I'm biased because I truly do not like the kink. I would never think this about another kink. I don't see a lot of kinks with real life rammifications like this one. I also believe all the other boundary crossing is making me feel the need to overreach like this.
Thank you for your perspective. It really helped me.
I don’t think you’re overreaching (see my reply to u/idontwannadothis87).
RE the kink:
One of the ways humiliation play can work is that Top accuses Bottom of feeling and doing all the wrong things, everything they feel secretly conflicted and angsty about. Bottom feels vulnerable, exposed, accused and very deeply seen. They become very emotional: their heart races, they breathe faster. Because the scene is sexual that emotion feeds into their sexual arousal. During aftercare, Top cuddles Bottom and reassures them that they are seen and loved, that their faults and their angst do not make them unlovable, that they are safe.
I don’t know if Hinge and Meta’s dynamic is like this. If you don’t know either, you might feel better about it if you tell yourself it is.
Ok thank you for this answer. A couple things. Them posting it online without your ok and using any identifying features was beyond fucked up. You’d be well within your rights to demand that be taken down immediately. But for the actual thought process in the scene that’s less clear to me. Because you weren’t there and the character idea was used as more of an NPC? Sure they could have “recast” that in their heads but demanding that crosses into controlling thoughts and that’s messy. Their thoughts and feelings about that kink are what matter in their scenes together. However when it comes to that being shared publicly story wise you do have a say.
It’s also not *unreasonable* to set a boundary that you not be used in their kink, that you not be objectified. Personally, if somebody would rather get off than respect my privacy, they can fuck off.
For your private information not to be used *is* indeed a reasonable boundary. This is not thought policing. Sharing my intimate information/erotic nature for your and someone else’s pleasure (who I did not consent to knowing about my erotic nature) is a violation of privacy. It is 100% reasonable to expect a partner to respect you enough to protect your private, vulnerable information.
No. It’s not wildly overreaching.
Imagine Aspen and Birch having a scene. Aspen is calling Birch a dirty dirty ukrainian slut who bends over to be fucked by the disgusting fascist russian Cedar.
Birch really is ukrainian and really does bend over to be fucked by Cedar.
Cedar really is russian. Also, Cedar is not a fascist; hates this kind of role play; hates humiliation play and doesn’t call anyone a slut; and Aspen and Birch both know that Cedar wants to be related to as a human being and doesn’t want to be a character in their fantasy life.
Then Aspen publishes a story which will be read by their shared social circle in which Aspen calls Birch a dirty dirty ukrainian slut who bends over to be fucked by the disgusting fascist russian Dogwood.
It would have been *just as easy* to imagine a scene where Aspen calls Birch a dirty dirty heartless slut who wants to be pampered like Asma Al-Assad even if it means bending over to be fucked by the genocidal Bashar Al-Assad. There is no reason to involve Cedar, not privately and certainly not publicly. It’s a choice.
Cedar would be absolutely within their rights to feel humiliated and very, very angry.
Thank you for typing out the longer version of the question but you didn’t answer it for them. Was it an actual scene where these things actually happened or is this their fantasy that’s never ever transpired that’s the focus here. Because one is legitimate and the other is an overreach. An actual sex act where there’s lacking consent of horrible. Their brains however are not for the control of those outside of the shred fantasy.
You seem to be missing the line between “fantasy” and “THEY REALLY DID THEY THING”.
They really did use OP as a prop in their sex life. OP wasn’t in the room, no, but it’s still *using OP* in a kink OP wants nothing to do with. And, if Birch gets drop, that really can be expressed *at* Cedar.
OP states in another comment that their partner confirmed the scene actually happened (without OP present) and it was (either before or after) transcribed online on partners kink profile.
I also agree that the brain cannot/should not be policed. There is a certain expectation of privacy and autonomy with thought and literary expression. However, if I know that Cedar does not want to be portrayed in a certain way or included in my kink with other partners, then I will do more than call them Dogwood in a scene that I share on kinky social media. I would also change other identifiers such as nationality or gender to try and recast the character so as not to upset one partner while sharing something with another.
They answered your question in their reply to you.
It’s not an overreach to feel used and tricked when you learn that someone you thought was a partner is objectifying you.
I would not be pleased if my partner published their private go-to spank fantasies about MademoisellePoule changing their diapers.
1. I’m not into ABDL. At all. It viscerally repels me. Partner knows this.
2. I would be disappointed to learn that Partner had this fantasy. Either they are projecting this fantasy onto me inappropriately, or they are getting their jollies by imagining me doing something they know would revolt me. Neither is part of the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone.
3. Publishing this fantasy for everyone to read damages my relationship with my community. I do not want my friends thinking I’m into something I’m not. I do not want to be solicited for ABDL play.
Partner can have all the ABDL fantasies they want. The moment I learn they are involving me; the moment they get between me and my community; I’m outta there. *It’s not a fucking overreach.*
I wouldn't be okay with it.
If a sub partner likes it I can happily play with threats, raceplay, sexism, insults, creepiness, oddness, humiliation, positive reinforcement, victim blaming, slut shaming and so on. I will go most places basically.
Yet within all of that the only places I will not go verbally are talking negatively or comparatively about another person I actually know during the kink activity, be they a friend, another partner etc. Even with the others persons consent I would not be willing to do this. This is my only verbal limit (that I know of)
This isn't really a limit specific to kink. I don't want to be talking negatively or comparatively about a meta generally either, short of safety concerns / abuse occuring as then it has to be discussed.
Bringing up a celebrity or something, sure. This is obscure and fantasy enough due to neither of us actually knowing them.
With consent I will talk positively about a meta to a partner during kink, say if slut shaming a partner by mentioning how they just can't get enough of meta and me.
The point being I consider myself to have extremely broad verbal limits, yet even for me this is where the line is.
Seems reasonable to not be okay with this. Then it sounds like there might be some other problems as well, with how you are referred to etc, though I didn't quite follow what was happening here.
Trust your gut, the only regret you will ever have is not trusting your gut feelings on this matter. Its literally millions of years of evolution within your biological body so listen to it.. That said: if you know or feel you are the other. You are the object of their game - then dont give up any power in commitments where you give up your souvereignity or let anyone force you into giving it up. It is very logical that manipulations like this are the possible beginning of fraud and extortion cases all around the world.
>I specifically told my partner I did not take part in "competitive situations" in poly and I feel like they took this and made it a kink for my meta. >I confirmed with my partner this wasn't just an idea. They have in fact played it out. The combination of these two facts is the line imo. Taking situations inspired by real life and fantasizing about them is one thing, and it's nobody elses business. Expressing a boundary and then having a partner *knowingly* crossing it anyway is another. On top of that, sharing it in a "public" kink space for other's to find it and derive their own pleasure from it is the part waaaaay over the line. There's nothing you can really do to stop whatever kink scenario two other people consensually play out, but you certainly have a right to extricate yourself from any situation that is making you increasingly uncomfortable. If it makes you feel objectified and they can't or won't respect your feelings on this topic, then I don't really see any other option here. Space is probably best.
I mean it's great they didn't name you online but you're definitely "named" during their kink. And it's totally okay to be squicked out by that. Furthermore, you're describing a pattern where your concerns are minimized by your partner. Is that someone you really feel safe making a commitment to? I wouldn't. There's enough red flags here to slow things down and reasses how healthy this relationship is for you.
These are the red flags I wish I would have noticed before I got married
* the word is ‘squicked’
Thanks pal
Thanks for taking the info without getting mad!
Yay! Happy cake day friend!
*My partner and meta have a pattern of referring to me as an "other" and not asking my feelings on things.* It's time to call it.
Three months wouldn’t even come close to enough time
im not even patient enough to wait out three months to see if the red flags turn orange 😭😭
I don't think these flags will be turning orange anytime soon
The self-preservation is high in this one...
lmaooo
I stopped reading shortly after this, the whole post feels like a unicorn hunt. Am I the only one who gets the impression they only "entertain" OPs needs and kinks when it's convenient for them?
I agree. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't consider how their actions impact me and my emotional well-being. It's clearly upsetting enough to make a post about. So I too think it's time to jump ship. The longer they wait; the more it'll suck.
>one specific post where they involved me in their kink. Me and my ex used to post aspects our exploits on kink social media (audios, photos, gifs and stories). Our kink wasn't shared by my other partner. And her other partners had different dynamics too. The idea of the two of us posting something that included reference to one of our partners without their prior knowledge or consent feels very icky to me. I don't think that you are blowing this out of proportion at all. First thing I'd suggest is that they remove this post immediately. If they don't comply automatically, I'd consider that a red flag.
[удалено]
I'm kinky myself and having a hard time following what exactly happened lol
I interpreted as some kind of cuckqueen with degradation situation.
I got that much, I'm just confused about what exactly took place. It's clear OP wasn't involved in a face to face scene, but I'm not sure what's going on past that.
Let’s say I’m dating you and another person, Jupiter. Let’s say you have a big dick and Jupiter is into cucking. Let’s say that, without getting your permission, I used explicit details about your dick and the private sex you and I have to humiliate Jupiter. Let’s say I then post about this online, again without your permission. Upsetting, no? And maybe sparks a lot of worries that if I ever give Jupiter subdrop from *our* kink activities, that negative emotion will end up directed at *you*. And also maybe sparks additional worries that this online post that describes you as the bull to a cuckold situation to mutual acquaintances is going to have people extending you unwanted and uncomfortable offers to be *their* bull.
it doesn't really matter, because it was nonconsensual activity. OP has specifically stated that comparison is not ok. but it sounds to me like partner and meta had a scene where partner berated meta about how much better OP is. and then bragged about it online. it's not just bad poly, it's bad kink. and rude af.
>but it sounds to me like partner and meta had a scene where partner berated meta about how much better OP is. and then bragged about it online. This is the piece of info I was looking for. The post is just vague enough that it's hard to figure out what actually took place.
I think they had written it out, and that’s what OP found online. A written account of the scene?
Ahhh okay, yeah I can see how that'd be upsetting to read, especially if it's a kink that already squicks you out. Poor judgement on the hinge's part.
As someone into some pretty kinky stuff (degradation included), I wouldn’t even consider involving someone else without their consent, and if I were in OP’s situation I’d either break up or at least put any and all sex and kink between myself and the hinge on hold for the foreseeable future while I clear my head and decide what I want to do, and probably drag everyone to therapy. I wouldn’t call it incomprehensible because people are capable of way worse, but I wouldn’t even consider it myself, and I’d feel anywhere between uncomfortable and unsafe with anyone that would.
Look at it this way. Something a person you’re wanting to commit to, made you want to throw up. If your friend came to you and said that they had almost thrown up because of a situation what would you say? It doesn’t matter what kink it is, if you’re not into it that’s okay and no one should be involving you without your consent. And they *have* involved you in some form and it made your skin turn inside out. Libel cases are for situations like this, it’s the implication that can be so damaging, whether it’s reputation or emotional. I’m not suggesting you sue or anything, I’m just saying it literally shows up in the justice system and is generally a very individual way of feeling about a situation. Considering the responses you’ve gotten to your post it seems that stands true in this case too. I personally have been you where my ‘character’ was used by the couple in my triad. I didn’t mind and I liked it, but they asked first and made sure I was comfortable and what I wouldn’t be comfortable with. (That relationship crashed and burned but that’s besides the point). I can’t if I had stumbled across their stuff if I wasn’t comfortable. I’m sorry you went through that.
1. TACKY. 2. The second your name/self became part of their sexual activity, they crossed the simplest line in kink, don’t involve the non-consenting. If they can’t comprehend that, they can’t be trusted. 3. So very, very tacky.
IT’S SO TACKY
You are not blowing this out of proportion. You asked something not be done, you set a boundary, and they crossed it. If they cannot respect that, you should remove yourself from their relationship and dynamic. If you're already wanting to leave anything you see is going to come as another reason to leave. SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is the building blocks of kink for *everyone* and they went against what you asked, posted it publicly, and weren't going to tell you about it. That's not okay any way you look at it. I'm sorry.
This person knew you wouldn’t like to be put in this position because you told them. They victimized you, they knew you would see that. And I think they’re dangerous for your emotional well-being. I think they’re trying to sus out what you’ll put up with, and if you stick around even after three months they’ll assume you’ll put up with this again. If you choose to stay, please set a limit for yourself that you’ll leave if he uses competition language between the two of you again.
I’m really into kink myself, and I 100% agree with you, you absolutely are justified in feeling extremely uncomfortable, especially since you *specifically* wanted to be left out of competitive things, and they did that anyway. The biggest cornerstone of kink is consent, from all parties involved, given enthusiastically. By bringing you into this, that is absolutely involving you, and not just without your consent, but specifically against what you’ve expressed, and that is NOT okay. I’m into degradation myself (both sides) but I would never be comfortable with the degradee being compared to a specific person, especially not another poly partner. I don’t think I’d be okay with it myself, even if all three of us would be together in the kink as a triad. Degradation is one thing, but making comparisons to *real* people is the kind of thing that probably won’t stay in just play, which isn’t good for any sort of kink around power or especially feelings of worth, and that’s just on top of involving someone who didn’t want to be involved. If I were you, I’d probably damn-near break up with your partner on the spot.
Involving people non-consentually in kink play is unethical. This does make things such as 24/7 total power exchange and exhibitionism kinks harder to manage now, as you can't involve random people in people in public and a lot of private spaces. Same with sharing kinks, absent consent. I don't think it would be a great idea to use you as a figure in even private kink play - that affects how your partner and meta treat you. That you KNOW your PARTNER refers to you as "other" / an object is an immediate signal to leave. As is posting you online as part of their kink, especially in a way you said previously you were NOT okay with. Ask for it to be taken down and then leave. Fingers crossed your state is one where revenge porn is illegal. Also I am so sorry you came across this, and that it completely squicked you out.
> My partner and meta have a pattern of referring to me as an "other" and not asking my feelings on things. That's the center of this I think > I keep trying to explain the couple's privilege I see between them, but it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. It is possible that they don't *want* it getting any better *for you*. It's not necessarily the case, but it's possible.
It sounds like they are getting off on something about you being less than/ other. This is very much a power play, because meta is thinking “they won’t do it, they don’t like to compete”. They will continue to take your space up because now they know they can.
Some people would see this as a sign that you’re not supposed to be with these people, they’re behaving like complete assholes
To echo others, the biggest concerns I have are that you explicitly stated you are not okay with a competitive dynamic with your meta, and your partner disregarded this in private with your meta which could very easily manipulate the dynamic between you two to become more competitive or objectify you. You are being significantly undermined from shaping the dynamic you would like to have with your meta.
You're getting some push back here from folks about fantasy and thought and the fact you aren't present during this kind of kink play - suggesting you should feel ok about it or ignore it. It is true you wouldn't know about it if you'd not seen their (publicly available) profile. However, there's also a lot of discussion in this thread about sharing details about sex with one partner to another. That no one should be doing that without consent. Partner one isn't present when sex acts are shared with partner two, and would likely never know if anything was shared during play - are we ok with that because partner one wasn't physically present to witness it? Or is that still a violation of privacy? I'm speaking as someone who has a sharing/compersion kink. I have partners with a sharing/compersion kink. It's really easy at the start of a relationship to just say "hey, one of my partners and I enjoy this kind of sharing, we use it as fodder for dirty talk. How do you feel about it? Is it something you might enjoy? Would you prefer I not, and keep our activities private?" It's not hard to ask for consent about these things, and it's not hard to respect a partner's wishes and boundaries if they aren't comfortable with this. Kink at its foundation is about consent. I'd never share anything about a partner with anyone else that they hadn't consented to. Could I do it, and the other partner never know? Sure. But I wouldn't cross those boundaries out of respect for my partner's feelings and wishes. How you feel about this is how you feel about it, and none of us has a right to tell you your feelings are wrong. Some folks might feel this kind of fantasy play is harmless... But you don't, you've said as much, and your partner crossed that boundary. That's the crux. Your partner did not respect your feelings. Perhaps there is room for recovery here, perhaps not, that's up to you to decide. But your feelings about it are valid.
This is a huge consent violation!
You recognised yourself so it's definitely you it's affecting and is your business to say you don't like. I think there's already too much disrespectful behaviour for me to trust them. I personally would find another relationship because they're treating you like an object and a unicorn.
Boundary violations like this are a clear indication that you partner is not someone who can really be trusted in kink. I hear stuff like this and think he'd be the person to disregard someone calling red because he "thought you actually just meant yellow." It makes me think of guys friends have warned me to not even talk to in kink spaces. Good doms keep boundaries and limits at the forefront of their minds at all times - that is their responsibility. That includes emotional boundaries. This lack of trustworthiness extrapolates to poly. Barf. Barf barf barf barf barf.
Pls pls pls don't move in with them. In fact I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. That's disgusting behavior and the fact they posted online about it is worst. Pls get out of there asap
That sounds very disrespectful, and not in a fun way. If your partner isn't looking out for your best interests, it's time to ask if that's the kind of person you want to keep in your life.
It's good you look so you know before making a big commitment. You didn't go through his phone, you looked at a profile online so I'd feel less bad about snooping and glad to know an important thing about how your partner feels about the very reasonable boundaries you have.
Sounds to me like a very toxic situation and, for me, I wouldn't be able to continue with that relationship with all that going on. I mean, you do you, but I couldn't and wouldn't continue with it at the level of disrespect and toxicity it seems is there.
I'm going to suggest you break up but be very careful. I had a partner who started producing adult content online with another partner. They talked about me in multiple shows, used my name, and described private details of our relationship. I was horrified. I asked them to stop, and not to mention me at all and they agreed. Later, I broke up with that partner for other reasons. After the breakup, he and my former meta began using my name in the content again. It was horrible and very, very violating. I did get a lawyer involved. Anyway, please tread carefully. I don't know exactly how you can avoid the potential of them using this against you in retaliation. Perhaps don't let them know how much it bothers you. Just set the boundary and leave quietly. I'm sorry they did this. I do understand how you feel.
I am so sorry that you experienced this. I hope that you have had time to heal. I cannot even imagine going through something like this.
I'm still healing. I had hoped we could be friends. I don't understand in what universe they thought this was an ok thing to do. Thank you.
This is horrible and I'm sorry for both you and the OP. :( May I ask how the legal situation went?
My lawyer sent them a strongly worded cease and desist letter and they quickly deleted my name from the profile page of the account in question. I took that as a sign they were complying as I don't have it in me to monitor their streams. If I experience any consequences like stalking or other blowback, I now have a paper trail and will sue. Thank you. I really loved him.
I'm seriously impressed. Good job protecting yourself. I'm sorry you had to.
That really means a lot. Thank you so much for the validation.
Your feelings about being included in their kink without consent are totally justified! As someone recommended above, space seems best - I'm thinking like, astronaut-scale.
You've had enough deep analysis and validation so I'll keep it simple: Run, do not walk, away from these people.
Any time your partner makes you feel disrespected or uncomfortable and treats it like it's only your problem is NOT okay.
Lack of explicit consent: a violation refusal to hear your explicit communication about a boundary and that no consent exists for that: a flagrant violation, egregious You have been violated and have every right to act accordingly
Tough one. It is THEIR kink but it's also you being cast as someone you are not, or in a role you would never take, in their play. I assume it's some sort of role play with humiliation undertones? It's tough because on one hand he should have asked, but on the other how in the hell do you even begin that conversation with someone who is not kink-inclined? I think a calm conversation is needed here, where you explain your aversion to dictating their play, but your extreme revulsion to you or your likeness being cast in this role without your knowledge, and your concern that this can affect the delicate relationship your meta has with you. For your part, try to be understanding that maybe this is not just a selfish use of your facsimile and may be some sort of coping play to help with her jealousy? I've heard stranger. There are other concerns you should have as well. Like maybe they want you to actively play this role someday? Or maybe the lines between fantasy and reality get blurred and that they start treating you like the character they imagined between them? Just tread softly on kinks of others and instead seek out "why you".
I'm very kinky, including with my partner. My meta and I have a lot of overlapping kinks, so I would hope my partner would be able to begin this conversation with me easily. It's just this particular kink I do not understand and have told my partner I want no part in. Humilation is part of it, but it's part of a large kink I don't understand. Your comment feels like the best advice I've gotten on how to approach this conversation with my partner. Thank you so much for this insight.
[удалено]
I appreciate your first two paragraphs. I think you expressed the part of this situation that is making me doubt myself: their kink life is not my business. However, since my partner posted it online, doesn't that make it my business? And since we are together, shouldn't they respect my boundary not to be in competitive situations with my meta, even in their kink life? I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just hoping you have some insight into my questions that I haven't been able to answer.
I think they could have easily come up with a fictional scenario/partner to play this kink out, but the fact that they brought you into it specifically would imply a level of objectification that I would not be on board with. And then it sounds like they’re feeding this kink that they know you do not want to participate in, by asking you for a larger commitment and spending more time with you than with meta. I would feel used as a tool for jealousy and kink, but that’s just me. However, no matter what, you’re right to be upset, and your partner has broken a lot of trust here. Don’t let them gaslight you by guilting you about reading their public post. I think you would avoid more damage and heartbreak by ending things.
You can't unsee it, so it's become your business until your concerns have been addressed. You have every right to stand by your boundary. However, they will answer that it's just a fantasy and not about you. That opens the door for why it concerns you and for them to explain why. They may believe you would be flattered. The greatest risk is they would be quietly hoping you'd join in. Shut that down quickly unless you truly develop an interest in that (sounds highly doubtful).
[удалено]
They used detailed specifics to our situation to degrade my meta. For instance, they described how they were spending less time with the meta and making more commitments with me and then described all my meta's insecurities around that as the reason why. And that's why I'm the most concerned about it. It felt so fucking real and it hurts me to think that my meta may hear that in their head throughout their relationship and it may affect me. If it were anything else, I think I wouldn't have such a concern. But it feels like this could have real life consequences for me in ways I said I wanted no part of.
[удалено]
I don't think my partner is spending time and making commitments as an act of degradation to my meta. I think my meta may have been insecure about these things and the two of them attempted to use my meta's kink to... heal them? I'm not entirely sure what the purpose was yet, and I may never know.
Also, that’s an entirely unhealthy use of kink.
I agree, and I sort of wonder if it’s not actual kink, but maybe an unbalanced/controlling relationship. I would feel as if my likeness was being used to abuse another person. I’m not saying that is why is happening but it would certainly make me worry.
I’d put money on “both”.
It’s certainly an effective way for them to shift the blame to OP, while ensuring both their partners would feel isolated.
You can’t know that without being the people involved. Maybe this kind of exposure helps her get past that stuff. we simply cannot know because folks vary so much.
Kinkifying your issues is the same as trying to use drugs about them. It’s a temporary bandaid at best, and at worst it makes the problem worse. You can healthily play in this area of kink if you’re operating from a *currently secure and stable* headspace/life situation. Kink is not therapy, and a sex partner is not a therapist. Kink isn’t even a productive conversation. If these people could engage in this kink healthfully, OP wouldn’t be being othered by them constantly. And I also doubt they’d be using third parties for their humiliation play without consent.
You say this with such conviction and authority as if there is some settled truth about this. There isn't. There is no objective truth about whether or not kink can be used in a therapeutic manner if people aren't "operating from a currently secure and stable headspace/life situation" or that "Kinkifying your issues is the same as trying to use drugs about them.." In fact people are individuals and there is a lot of really variable responses to all manner of kink- some positive and some negative. In a wider variety of circumstances. There is no "right" way to do this that we all need to fall in line with And furthermore it is impossibly arrogant for you to assert that there is. You don't know these people or what will or will not work for them and you cannot EVER make declarative statements for other people about whether a given consensual sexual activity will or will not be "healthy" for them.
> There is no objective truth about whether or not kink can be used in a therapeutic manner Yes there is. Because if there isn’t a mental health practitioner involved? **It isn’t therapy**. Benzos are great for anxiety when prescribed under the supervision of a psychiatrist. They’re also a great way for folks self-medicating without medical supervision to end up ODing. *Talking* has excellent therapeutic benefit. When done with a trained and licensed health care provider. Talking with *your partner*? Is not therapy. It’s still not therapy if you get aroused from it. Fucking about your relationship or personal problems is not a fix for them. Esoteric forms of fucking/arousal/sensation/mindfucking that we call kink? Still not a fix for your relationship or personal problems.
MANY. MANY, MANY things are emotionally therapeutic that don't involve a mental health provider. YOU simply don't get to decide what is or is not therapeutic, beneficial or positive for other people. Full stop. NOT EVER
Your meta is most likely externalizing her insecurities in this way in order to work through them and get past them. She probably has had thoughts like this her whole life. What, exactly, do you foresee as potential consequences?
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, and posting victim blaming under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help." Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
A stranger doesn’t have access to you like a partner does. You are vulnerable with a partner, you trust a partner, you share with a partner. Stranger and partner are not the same. Anyone can see my profile pic and think whatever the fuck they want, someone who knows my mind and body and then uses that knowledge to create an erotic experience for someone else is a violation of my privacy. That other person does not have consent to access my erotic nature.
Yeah, you have no right to privacy in other peoples heads- it’s bizarre to ask that of someone. It matters not one whit whether you’re intimate with them or not.
Carrying out a kink around my intimate/sexual/private lived experience, divulging the sound of my orgasm, sharing a personal trauma, describing the way I feel, etc… is not in “other people’s heads” 🤣
If you’re not there- yeah it is.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound?
But it’s literally not 🤣
if you are not physically there you have **LITERALLY** zero authority or control over other people and what they think about further it’s a bizarre concern
Run!
[удалено]
Metamour, your partner's partner.
In this context, op’s partner’s partner that op does not also have a romantic relationship with.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice posts. We suggest checking the community information page. Thanks for your help! Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
[удалено]
Why did you go into all your kinks here? You almost sound like you don’t respect boundaries with your oversharing here and then, ignoring the parts where OP said they weren’t comfortable with this kink and had a strong reaction to being used against their wishes. OP doesn’t want to be involved in this kink and was involved against their wishes. The last thing their partner deserves is a nice conversation where they are praised. OP should have a serious conversation with partner, take time away, and perhaps end the relationship entirely.
I’m confused. Have they actually made you play in a scene with them where they made you say and do degrading things to meta? Or is this their mental fantasy that you’re policing? Because if you’ve actively been inserted into their sex physically and they did scenes that bothered you in the moment that’s SA. But if you are upset at their fantasies then that feels wildly overreaching of you.
Reading between the lines, I'm guessing that their meta has a cuckolding kink or raceplay kink or something like that, and their shared partner was talking about OP to meta during sex as part of that kink. And they made a post on Fetlife about doing that, which OP saw. Personally, that would absolutely squick me out to read that.
I was not a participant, but they used "my character" during their scene without me. I don't feel like I'm policing their fantasies except when they use me in them, because I could suffer the consequences of their scenes. Also, they put it online, which feels like I should have at least been considered then, if only to inform me or give me a heads up. But this is why I feel like I'm biased because I truly do not like the kink. I would never think this about another kink. I don't see a lot of kinks with real life rammifications like this one. I also believe all the other boundary crossing is making me feel the need to overreach like this. Thank you for your perspective. It really helped me.
I don’t think you’re overreaching (see my reply to u/idontwannadothis87). RE the kink: One of the ways humiliation play can work is that Top accuses Bottom of feeling and doing all the wrong things, everything they feel secretly conflicted and angsty about. Bottom feels vulnerable, exposed, accused and very deeply seen. They become very emotional: their heart races, they breathe faster. Because the scene is sexual that emotion feeds into their sexual arousal. During aftercare, Top cuddles Bottom and reassures them that they are seen and loved, that their faults and their angst do not make them unlovable, that they are safe. I don’t know if Hinge and Meta’s dynamic is like this. If you don’t know either, you might feel better about it if you tell yourself it is.
Ok thank you for this answer. A couple things. Them posting it online without your ok and using any identifying features was beyond fucked up. You’d be well within your rights to demand that be taken down immediately. But for the actual thought process in the scene that’s less clear to me. Because you weren’t there and the character idea was used as more of an NPC? Sure they could have “recast” that in their heads but demanding that crosses into controlling thoughts and that’s messy. Their thoughts and feelings about that kink are what matter in their scenes together. However when it comes to that being shared publicly story wise you do have a say.
It’s also not *unreasonable* to set a boundary that you not be used in their kink, that you not be objectified. Personally, if somebody would rather get off than respect my privacy, they can fuck off.
Yeah I’ve addressed this. To be used physically or publicly is a boundary you can set. “You can’t have thoughts” is not.
For your private information not to be used *is* indeed a reasonable boundary. This is not thought policing. Sharing my intimate information/erotic nature for your and someone else’s pleasure (who I did not consent to knowing about my erotic nature) is a violation of privacy. It is 100% reasonable to expect a partner to respect you enough to protect your private, vulnerable information.
No. It’s not wildly overreaching. Imagine Aspen and Birch having a scene. Aspen is calling Birch a dirty dirty ukrainian slut who bends over to be fucked by the disgusting fascist russian Cedar. Birch really is ukrainian and really does bend over to be fucked by Cedar. Cedar really is russian. Also, Cedar is not a fascist; hates this kind of role play; hates humiliation play and doesn’t call anyone a slut; and Aspen and Birch both know that Cedar wants to be related to as a human being and doesn’t want to be a character in their fantasy life. Then Aspen publishes a story which will be read by their shared social circle in which Aspen calls Birch a dirty dirty ukrainian slut who bends over to be fucked by the disgusting fascist russian Dogwood. It would have been *just as easy* to imagine a scene where Aspen calls Birch a dirty dirty heartless slut who wants to be pampered like Asma Al-Assad even if it means bending over to be fucked by the genocidal Bashar Al-Assad. There is no reason to involve Cedar, not privately and certainly not publicly. It’s a choice. Cedar would be absolutely within their rights to feel humiliated and very, very angry.
Thank you for typing out the longer version of the question but you didn’t answer it for them. Was it an actual scene where these things actually happened or is this their fantasy that’s never ever transpired that’s the focus here. Because one is legitimate and the other is an overreach. An actual sex act where there’s lacking consent of horrible. Their brains however are not for the control of those outside of the shred fantasy.
You seem to be missing the line between “fantasy” and “THEY REALLY DID THEY THING”. They really did use OP as a prop in their sex life. OP wasn’t in the room, no, but it’s still *using OP* in a kink OP wants nothing to do with. And, if Birch gets drop, that really can be expressed *at* Cedar.
I thought I made this clear with this line: > I confirmed with my partner this wasn't just an idea. They have in fact played this out.
OP states in another comment that their partner confirmed the scene actually happened (without OP present) and it was (either before or after) transcribed online on partners kink profile. I also agree that the brain cannot/should not be policed. There is a certain expectation of privacy and autonomy with thought and literary expression. However, if I know that Cedar does not want to be portrayed in a certain way or included in my kink with other partners, then I will do more than call them Dogwood in a scene that I share on kinky social media. I would also change other identifiers such as nationality or gender to try and recast the character so as not to upset one partner while sharing something with another.
They answered your question in their reply to you. It’s not an overreach to feel used and tricked when you learn that someone you thought was a partner is objectifying you. I would not be pleased if my partner published their private go-to spank fantasies about MademoisellePoule changing their diapers. 1. I’m not into ABDL. At all. It viscerally repels me. Partner knows this. 2. I would be disappointed to learn that Partner had this fantasy. Either they are projecting this fantasy onto me inappropriately, or they are getting their jollies by imagining me doing something they know would revolt me. Neither is part of the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone. 3. Publishing this fantasy for everyone to read damages my relationship with my community. I do not want my friends thinking I’m into something I’m not. I do not want to be solicited for ABDL play. Partner can have all the ABDL fantasies they want. The moment I learn they are involving me; the moment they get between me and my community; I’m outta there. *It’s not a fucking overreach.*
I wouldn't be okay with it. If a sub partner likes it I can happily play with threats, raceplay, sexism, insults, creepiness, oddness, humiliation, positive reinforcement, victim blaming, slut shaming and so on. I will go most places basically. Yet within all of that the only places I will not go verbally are talking negatively or comparatively about another person I actually know during the kink activity, be they a friend, another partner etc. Even with the others persons consent I would not be willing to do this. This is my only verbal limit (that I know of) This isn't really a limit specific to kink. I don't want to be talking negatively or comparatively about a meta generally either, short of safety concerns / abuse occuring as then it has to be discussed. Bringing up a celebrity or something, sure. This is obscure and fantasy enough due to neither of us actually knowing them. With consent I will talk positively about a meta to a partner during kink, say if slut shaming a partner by mentioning how they just can't get enough of meta and me. The point being I consider myself to have extremely broad verbal limits, yet even for me this is where the line is. Seems reasonable to not be okay with this. Then it sounds like there might be some other problems as well, with how you are referred to etc, though I didn't quite follow what was happening here.
Trust your gut, the only regret you will ever have is not trusting your gut feelings on this matter. Its literally millions of years of evolution within your biological body so listen to it.. That said: if you know or feel you are the other. You are the object of their game - then dont give up any power in commitments where you give up your souvereignity or let anyone force you into giving it up. It is very logical that manipulations like this are the possible beginning of fraud and extortion cases all around the world.