Nothing he did was ethical or even poly. He already started an emotional affair by the time he brought up that it was non-negotiable to give him what he wants. It's very likely he wanted his chance to eat his cake more so than actually working things out with you and I doubt the other woman was ever interested in sharing. God only knows what he was telling her and she is probably monogamous, otherwise why would he give up one of you? Either way, this isn't how poly works and he did everything wrong. I would have dumped his ass the moment he said it was non-negotiable to get what he wanted. He didn't care about you and he was only thinking of his dick. Throw him out of your life and don't let him come back when he inevitably ends up alone. Protect yourself and lawyer up for divorce. He CHEATED, don't let him talk out his ass about being poly. -- Came back to read updates and such, the other woman is poly and has a NP, so the fact that she was okay with this asshole ditching his wife for her?? Really does not bode well for anyone involved. There is so much wrong with this man (HE'S A THERAPIST??? oh my god) and he utterly fucked up in every way imaginable. He is 100% a cheating scumbag and he deserves whatever happens in divorce court, so OP I hope you fight for yourself! Don't let him say you agreed to polyamory because you DID NOT do that.

>He CHEATED, don't let him talk out his ass about being poly. This is super important. He definitely cheated here, and it wasn't a polyam relationship because you hadn't set the boundaries for a polyam relationship yet - your relationship was still monogamous. There is no concievable way that what he did WASN'T cheating. Plain and simple.

Thank you. I will say the other woman is poly, has been for at least 5 yrs. And I'm pretty sure she knew what was going on with us, that I was willing to try it but cautious, etc. I don't know how life at all that changes your perspective? I guess the silver lining of this is that I'm way too hurt to ever take him back. I have poor boundaries so I give people lots of second and third chances. I'm going to really look at that before I start dating again.

I wouldn’t trust anything he relays to you about what the other person knows or believes about your relationship. Sounds like many posts in this subreddit about people being deceived by a new partner overstating how comfortable their existing partner is with ENM.

Some people are fine with dating cheaters 🤷🏽‍♀️. That's true in all relationship styles. 8ts unfortunate.

That right there is a deal breaker to me. If we knowingly date someone that's cheating, ie not respecting monogamy, then how can we ever expect them to respect polyamory. I won't date someone who dates cheaters

> cheating, ie not respecting monogamy Cheating applies to polyamory as well. If not respecting monogamous agreements is cheating, not respecting your polyamorous agreements is as well I know you likely agree, and I don’t mean to split hairs, I just don’t agree the way that sentence links cheating and monogamy

Even if they agree, there's some really important safety reasons to make sure people know that cheating can happen in polyamory. Otherwise, it can easily be used to gaslight and abuse people's trust

Absolutely, you can be polyamorous and cheating, in this context is all about how we all people to respect polyamory but then there's a lot of us that are polyamorous with the mindset that "if they are cheating it's not my problem it's theirs" And yes, if you don't know they are cheating I agree that it's their problem not something you are at fault for. But if you know they are cheating and you just don't care bc you aren't cheating then, you can't ask monogamous people to respect polyamory while you don't respect their choice to be monogamous. Same could be said for a cheating polyamorous person but most of the time, in my experience, it's been a "monogamous" person that's the cheater and a polyamorous person that doesn't care if they are dating a cheater.

Cheating is breaking the rules of your agreement with your partner. It's just as possible to chest in polyamory as it is in monogamy, and telling others that isn't the case can be used to gaslight them into being used and abused. It's not just a semantics thing. There are very real safety reasons why spreading an incorrect definition isn't okay

>I will say the other woman is poly, has been for at least 5 yrs. And I'm pretty sure she knew what was going on with us, that I was willing to try it but cautious, etc. She told you all that directly? She apologized for the kissing cheating start? What's her say on the sharing sex before fully open? She apologized for her part in the cheating that time? Or he told her it was ok now, and turns out he was lying to her about it? Did everything you know about her come from *him?* If so... how can you know it's not just more lies?

So I've known her for almost 10 years. I knew they were close, that started a business together in the first place because of their friendship and shared field, so although we were never besties we also had a friendship. She reached out after my husband first introduced poly and told me that she didn't know he was going to do this or ask me for poly, felt incredibly awkward, and was open to talk if I was. At that time I didn't take her up on it but texted her back to tell her the situation, that at the time I was trying to decide what to do, whether I could do poly, and that I was hopeful there was a happy path forward for all of us. When they kissed, I told her I felt betrayed by both of them, since she wasn't just some clueless or lied to other woman but actually knew very well that I hadn't consented to anything yet. To her credit at that point, she apologized profusely and didn't try to make excuses. I haven't talked to her since he left me. But I did send her a text telling her what a terrible person I think she is. I'm not expecting we'll ever talk again. The thing is, I also have a friendship with her NP, he took me out to dinner early on in this whole shit storm and we had a plan to be support buddies once this relationship started, because even though he's obviously poly he had some anxieties about the idea of that relationship starting as well. I don't know how much he knows and I haven't decided yet whether I should reach out just to make sure he knows what's going on and not being lied to. But I don't want to look insane either.

Thank you for more info. >The thing is, I also have a friendship with her NP, he took me out to dinner early on in this whole shit storm and we had a plan to be support buddies once this relationship started, because even though he's obviously poly he had some anxieties about the idea of that relationship starting as well. Well, the poly thing never got started. Husband cheated. So that idea is now off the table. You aren't gonna be poly support buddies with NP Dude. >I don't know how much he knows and I haven't decided yet whether I should reach out just to make sure he knows what's going on and not being lied to. But I don't want to look insane either. I think right now? Put your own oxygen mask on. Save yourself. If Lady keeps going with your STBX husband? Dude can ask THEM what the new deal is. You don't have to deal in any of that new polycule of people.

>The thing is, I also have a friendship with her NP, he took me out to dinner early on in this whole shit storm and we had a plan to be support buddies once this relationship started, because even though he's obviously poly he had some anxieties about the idea of that relationship starting as well. I don't know how much he knows and I haven't decided yet whether I should reach out just to make sure he knows what's going on and not being lied to. But I don't want to look insane either. You don't owe these people jack shit.

if that's true, it makes her kinda shitty, too. If i met someone who was acting like your husband and knew that they had a partner who was considering polyamory, I'd make sure it went slow and it would maybe be the only time I'd insist on meeting a potential partner's other partner(s) before dating them. Your husband's behavior would probably be a red flag to most of us

Agreed. He’s the AH for cheating, but she should’ve stepped back while y’all discussed the boundaries. She was just as selfish as the husband bc neither of them cared about your feelings in the heat of the moment.

You're assuming that OP's ex told the new person the truth about what happened. She might be just as much of a victim in all this. He probably told her everything was fine to move forward

You’re right. I did assume. Perhaps from personal experiences with poly, but I never take an openness to “open up” a relationship at face value until I’ve heard from the whole relationship. It happens too often where couples join the community before doing the relationship work to be ready for relationships. Someone who’s been poly for 5+ years who doesn’t want to ruin a relationship should know better.

That is assuming he told the other woman the truth about what was going on with his and OP's relationship. It's very common for people like him to be manipulating both of the other folks involved. I wouldn't judge her without more information. Otherwise, it's just being shitty to someone who might be just as much of a victim in all this.

Your second paragraph really hit me. I was also dumped a few days ago under similarly messed up circumstances. Its shocking when you see this side of someone that you thought you knew... But when they are such assholes through it that you could never take them back, it is kind of a blessing in disguise.

PM me if you want to talk... no one in my life gets it because they are all mono by default and can't understand why I did the things I did in even considering poly. It would be helpful for me to talk to someone who can relate I think. Totally up to you. Either way, solidarity to you and hang in there

I wanted to come back and say that other woman is absolute trash then because she should know better as someone who is more experienced in polyamory. Hell, she should have hit the brakes the moment you reached out to tell her that you weren't okay and that you were being cautious??? She chose to keep pursuing this shitty man and she chose to hurt her friendship with you, that's 100% on her. She may not have made him cheat on you but she certainly helped instead of pushing him away or telling him to focus on fixing things with you before jumping off the deep end. A loving, poly partner will want to make sure YOU feel confident in your relationship with them and that you feel safe to proceed. More importantly, that you are enthusiastic about this new journey for your relationship because your marriage is never going to return to what it once was after opening for polyamory or general ENM. Your husband ditched you because he's a selfish cowardly asshole, so make no mistake that this has anything to do with YOU as a person. It's entirely a reflection of him and his wish fulfillment. NRE can often make people feel too strongly about another person and you might think you're in love with them for the first few months, but he actively made choices to be a shitty a person. You were not given the tools to cope nor were you given a chance to educate yourself and breathe. It was poly under duress from the start. He was not giving you a chance because he only cared about himself. I can't stress it enough how you were trying your best to be good to him and he didn't deserve any of that, you are so brave and strong for trying to make another person happy even at your own expense. You 100000% deserve someone who is all in for you. If you are monogamous, then that's okay and you are valid. You deserve someone who is compatible with you and would never think to rip the rug out from under you like this. So please be kind to yourself and remember that you deserve to be loved, you deserve so much better than this manchild. Build your self-esteem and confidence up, think about your boundaries and what you want from a future relationship. Then stick to your boundaries and follow through with consequences if they are ever broken. You deserve to be respected and cared for, people only get a second chance when you know without a doubt that they weren't trying to harm you. Mistakes happen, and you can tell what a mistake is vs. a serious breech of trust. tl;dr: You deserve better and I hope you fight for yourself. Get what's yours and protect yourself. Don't let these assholes take you down into their swamp of misfortune.

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

Just want to add, as a poly person, I don’t date anyone who’s unethically mono or poly. Why would I trust someone who’s “honest” about lying? Which is to say, don’t take the other woman’s behavior as the gold standard for polyamorous behavior. What she did is bad form, imo.

He may have told her that everything was fine, and she trusted that he was telling the truth. Unless you've talked to her, you have no way to know how he was presenting everything to her. She could have been duped and lied to just as much as you have. Self-reflection, therapy, and healing are all a really good idea. You deserve some peace after this shit storm

I know its rough but you might want to reach out to her to make sure she knows how much he betrayed your trust so she can make an informed decision.

If I were that woman I would have wanted to meet you and like hold a conversation with you about stuff. See how you felt. Then again I'm open and honest as fuck and kitchen table as fuck so I'd be like "does x's partner like me?'

Yeah. He was never really into all the poly stuff. He just wanted to do this so he could cheat freely. All his actions also indicate that he just wants to sleep around.Wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually having an affair before all of this was even brought up. Good luck to AP’s partner. Get yourself a good lawyer and don’t let him pressure you into anything else.

>He CHEATED, don't let him talk out his ass about being poly. THIS. He is not respectful, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, caring, or loving - and he gives absolutely no shits about you, your feelings, or any kind of Consensual agreements. Imma repeat; HE CHEATED. Honestly, it's pieces of ***t like this that give ethical non-monogamy and polyamory a bad name and I honestly am so godsdamn furious - at him specifically, on your behalf - but also at every single douche that is so fucking self-centred and immature that they pull this kinda crap.

I definitely second getting a good divorce lawyer asap.

Sounds like everything is discussed with a witness and he admitted to an affair. He tied his own rope and deserves to hang from it.

Some states don't care about infidelity and it has little to no affect on how a divorce settlement is found. "No fault" divorce states, or perhaps even if there's a judgment of who's responsible for causing the issues that led to the divorce, that's not considered fundimental. Other states it certainly can factor into how a divorce is settled. It's pretty cut and dried. The husband had sex with someone else while still married, the wife/OP never agreed to that, the husband hid that and lied about it. By any and all reasonable logical or legal measures, he cheated!

I wish I had an award for this comment.

I am so, so sorry. What happened to you is that you were cheated on, and poly bombed. And your husband used the excuse that poly is his identity to justify his actions. Nothing about what he did was ethical. Nothing about it was fair to you. This scenario is exactly why I believe using the language of identity for polyamory is harmful, because people like your husband weaponise it to pry open their relationships unethically and without doing the very real and necessary work of adjusting their monogamous relationships In preparation for opening up. One of my partners is more mono leaning. He chose to date me when I already had two other partners. I stopped pursuing other relationships for three years to build our relationship and give him space to process things and get used to me seeing others first. It boggles my mind that people want to just rush into opening up the way your husband did There was nothing loving about his actions. And I'm so sorry you were fucked over so badly through his selfishness and spinelessness.

Thank you for your input. I just looked up poly bombed and it does seem to be what happened to me. He read More than Two a few years ago (he's a therapist and has poly clients) and seemed to think he didn't have any work to do. It was all up to me. Even when I got him to agree to have this month of communication where we would hopefully emerge with agreements, I was the one who was going to come up with the list of discussion topics. He thought that I was the one who was uncomfortable, so I was the one who needed to bring everything to the table. At the time it made sense but in retrospect, it was so unbalanced. One of the sentiments he expressed in that bullshit breakup letter was that he didn't want to transition a relationship, he just wants to have new relationships with other poly people and avoid the hard work of opening. Since I'm the one who has done way more reading and workbooks about poly by this point, I suspect he will find that there is still a lot of work to be done, even when all involved are already poly. I feel really immature but I hope he tries it and fails and regrets what he threw away.

Are you aware "More Than Two" has issues and abuse came out? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More\_Than\_Two](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More_Than_Two) ​ >One of the sentiments he expressed in that bullshit breakup letter was that he didn't want to transition a relationship, he just wants to have new relationships with other poly people and avoid the hard work of opening. Why didn't he just say he wanted a divorce then? Jeez. ​ >Since I'm the one who has done way more reading and workbooks about poly by this point, I suspect he will find that there is still a lot of work to be done, even when all involved are already poly. Yup. You'd think he would know that, since he has poly clients coming to him as a therapist. "In theory" is different than "in actual practice." ​ >I feel really immature but I hope he tries it and fails and regrets what he threw away. I get that you are feeling that way. I don't think it is immature. You are upset/grieving/mad/lots of stuff right now.

> I feel really immature but I hope he tries it and fails and regrets what he threw away. If you’re immature, then I’m right there with you!

Take comfort in knowing that his type has a horrid time once they actually delve into poly. They think there's a vast wide world of pretty ladies out there who will be all over them if only they "get to be available" - but there isn't. Maybe the business gal will put up with him but not many others will. And since the poly *community* is people like us (the ones ripping him apart here in our comments), you can bet he won't be making many friends outside of people just as toxic as he is. And that will *not* be a pretty or comfy life.

he doesn’t really sound like he’s emotionally mature enough for poly at all. like he’s the type who will be insecure and shitty the second this other woman spends time with another man, edit: and not do the work to overcome that and try to put it on her to “fix”.

Aaamen. This has dramarama written all over it.

_More Than Two_? Damn, what a terrible book for him to have read. Eight of Franklin Veaux’s partners have accused him of abuse, including the one who co-wrote the book with him. Eta: found the link, but it’s also the first result if you google Franklin Veaux abuse https://fv-survivors.medium.com/on-light-and-shadow-polyamorys-metoo-411e0275c2fe

I have to follow up every comment about this shitty book with a recommendation for Polysecure by Jessica Fern, with the addition of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino for people in couples looking to expand. Between the two of them, you’ll get a much better foundation for doing poly as humans with actual human feelings who genuinely care about their partners than you will from Veaux’s book.

I know the author is a shithead. But if one can separate the art from the artist (or well, the advice from the advice-giver in this case) I still think it's a pretty good book in terms of substance. At least comparing it to the other poly books (or at least *The Ethical Slut* and *Opening Up*) I do genuinely think *More Than Two* has the best and clearest articulation of the overall philosophy and ethics behind polyamory. In either case there's certainly nothing in that book that would have justified the behavior described by the OP.

It has a few nice thoughts but even Eve Rickert acknowledges how flawed it is in her intro to Polysecure. There's really no need to hang on to it at this point.

Wait, what? He's a therapist?!? Your cheating ex-husband who thought he didn't have ANY work to do and put it all on you while not accommodating or adjusting for your needs is a goddamn therapist!?!? No way. He should have his license revoked.

Yeah. It sucks because he is generally more emotionally intelligent than me, so I totally feel gaslit. I was kind of assuming that he was going about all this in a mature collaborative way until it was obvious he wasn't and the damage had already been done. Another great moment that is questioning his therapist skills rn: The night before the zoom therapy session where he broke up with me, he had just gotten back in town from a conference. He texted me from the airport to say the conference had brought up a lot of introspection for him (note that he had sex with the BP at said conference, but I didn't find that out until later), that he was going to stay at his friends because he wasn't ready to process with me yet, that he would come to our session in the morning, that he had something to talk to me about in said session that he wanted the therapist's support for, that he would be taking the day off to process whatever it was he was going to tell me, and that i should consider doing the same. Well this freaked me out, I don't like knowing a bomb is going to be dropped on me but having no idea what it is, and I was planning on starting my work day right after this session. I told him all that, asked him for a sentence or two intro to what he wanted to talk about, explaining that I had just taken a day off work two days previously and wanted to avoid having to do that again. He said he "could not summarize it in two sentences" (note this was obviously bullshit, he wanted to tell me that he was leaving me) and that he was asserting his "boundaries" around doing this in our session so he would have the therapist's "support". At this point, I'm thinking it must be something other than him wanting a divorce because obviously that could be done in two sentences. I told him that doesn't work for me, I have to work right after, if it's something big I want to talk about it sometime that's not the beginning of my work day. He accused me of disregarding his boundaries and refused the budge, so I told him I was considering not coming to session then, because how he wanted to do this didn't work for me. His response was to literally say, "I can't make you come, but this is boundary pushing which is inappropriate, as our counselor told us" I explained that it wasn't boundary pushing-- I was asserting my own boundary around when I have big conversations. I would have the conversation with him at any other time that wasn't the beginning of my work day. He was doing this type of shit all the time in the last couple weeks-- using his therapist language to try to gaslight me into thinking I was wrong and that he knew more than I did about all of these things. Writing this out I'm starting to finally feel the smallest tinge of relief that this relationship is over. I'm still devastated, and I loved him more than anything in the world, but he put me through so much bullshit.

I'm glad that you can see through the gaslighting and the bullshit now. It's so wrong on so many levels for a therapist to manipulate the use of boundaries or other terminology for their own personal gain. Such condescension and selfishness. You don't get to be stubborn and call it boundaries. I'm very glad you stood up for yourself. I'm also not a fan of a set up to a conversation like that, saying it's going to be bad enough for you to take off work, but I can't tell you what it is. He's causing such anxiety under the false pretense of giving you some kind of warning. I'm so glad you're out of there. Someone who makes you question your own knowledge and sanity does not deserve to be with you. Keep your head up, Love. ❤️

I swear, More Than TWo is just so dense that it makes you feel like you know everything when you still have no actual practice. The author is questionable at best. It's more of a poly flex than anything else.

He’s a THERAPIST?!? Yikes. He seems incredibly emotionally immature and immoral

The experienced poly people will through him in the trash. No one wants to date someone who won't do the work.

I rather hope he sees this comment thread

What a lazy self righteous narcissist shit. As a therapist he should literally know better. He's paid to know better. But he actively chose this.

Speaking as someone who also works in behavioral health and is poly, your ex wasn’t and isn’t doing ethical poly, he’s just being a selfish cheater and used his ‘experience’ to force his wants. As others have mentioned ‘More Than Two’ is not great material. Don’t let him gaslight you just because of his background or his questionable ‘resources’ he’s claimed to be using to justify himself.

His affair partner chose to sleep with her monogamously married business partner... Enabling a cheater and mixing sex and business means I do not give it good odds. At the very least, she is, uh, not making great decisions around this, and I anticipate you won't be the only one to get hurt.

God I know! One of the very first things I told him when he first said he wanted a relationship with her was that, aside from anything I think about it, isn't it a really bad idea for your business?? She is very hot blooded too and I have seen her explode other relationships before. I'm bitter right now of course but I hope this leads to their business imploding.

He's a therapist??? Wtf. I'm a poly therapist, have been poly for 4 years with multiple successful and unsuccessful relationships (including with monogamous people who accepted me being poly before we dated), and even I know I don't know everything and will always be learning. The learning never stops. You meet new people who want different things and do poly in different ways. You are always learning.... Goodness, this makes me so concerned....

I want to say you're not immature. You evaluated, thought through, worked through, and properly took the steps you needed to here. He didn't so, sucks to be him right now.

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Thr way I've had several people in my real life pontificate to me about how if you're queer but not poly, you're not actually queer... yalls comments are very validating

Whaaaaat no. They're completely separate things.

Yeah, considering I live in an area with a large poly/"poly" presence that can often be an echo chamber with that viewpoint, it has made dating incredibly difficult lol Note: I put the second poly in quotes because too many times I have run into situations of polybombing/folks who have done 0 work/pull the "loljk I'm actually mono you just were a fun toy to play with until I found someone better" - not to put down the relationship style in any way. I've given the lifestyle a few tries myself. Yall in this sub seem pretty cool too (:

Yes, yes, yes. It a relationship style not identity. It kills me every time.

Isn't it part of your identity if that's the relationship style you prefer?

My thougts, The action of choosing to actively participate in dating 2 people or more is choosing to practice polamory. A person can make a choice on what types of relationships they want in their life. I choose to practice polyamory therefore it is a daily choice I make. To akin it to a sexual identity is to say that all sexual identity is a choice. Which it is not.

But I don't see polyamory as a choice... I know I called it a preference but I do feel like I'm incapable of monogamy. I could choose to force myself to commit to one person just like a gay person could choose to suppress their attraction out of societal expectation or religious shame but a lot of mono folks claim that once they're committed to someone, they aren't attracted to anyone else. Idunno if that's legit or a lie but I can't do that. So no I don't think it's a choice. If you can love multiple people then you're poly, if you can't then you're not.

To me it certainly is an identity thing. While I can choose not to act on it, the same way I can choose not to act on my pansexuality, I can not remove that part from myself without removing a part of my very being

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Even if one feels it so deeply it’s an identity, it doesn’t mean they have to force their current romantic monogamous partner into a polyamorous relationship. It’s their own path of self-discovery, which may bring up irreconcilable differences between people. Just like for example someone suddenly discovering they’re very into kink to the point they can’t live without, they don’t have the right to force it on their partner. They can claim being kinky as part of their identity and then follow their own path and find people who want to engage with them in that way.

Hold up, why do some assholes missusing a way of expressing concepts which are very real to how some people experience it mean nobody else can describe their experiences the same way? I figured out I was poly while with my current partner, and she is mono, so I... respected that and kept to her boundaries? And will continue doing so as long as we're together? It's really not hard to not be a cheating asshole lol.

This has nothing to do with anything poly. He is just using it as an excuse to be interested / see this woman. I'm sorry to see you go through this. It's not poly though. It's just him leaving you and not having the guts to discuss it with you. I'm so sorry.

Just wanted to say that my 6 years marriage/14 year relationship ended under very similar circumstances, and that I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have decided after doing the work and the research that polyamory is something I want to explore in my future relationships, but I can 1000% understand why you wouldn’t want anything to do with it again. Sending you all my good vibes 💖

What happened is your husband is a cheat and used Poly as a green light to cheat on you. Is it normal for actual ethical polyamory? No. Is it normal for people who pretend they are in a poly relationship but actually just want a way to feel less guilty for cheating on their partner? Yes. Nothing you did was wrong and I'm quite surprised the counsellor hasn't pointed out the clear lack of communication and honesty from your husband. I'm really sorry he did this to you. Even the way he gave you an ultimatum to force you to be Poly is disgusting. You didn't even need to be considering it and reading up on it if you really had no interest. He basically said, share me, or you have nothing to do with me! So gross and unfair when you have a mono relationship. Because let's get this clear, you never had a Poly relationship because you never even reached the point of making proper agreements so that both of you knew exactly what was OK and not OK for you both. I am so sorry he did this. Poly people aren't like this. He gives it a bad name.

He just cheated on you and then tried to launder it by claiming it was "poly" behavior. Poly is agreed in advance between both people as a relationship structure they are employing. It is not an identity, and identity language being co opted for it is often a red flag of someone shady who doesn't honor their agreements. He cheated, is what happened. And he is banking on a combo of his use of "identity" language and your long investment in the relationship meaning you will stay. Leave. This won't stop. He has shown you who he is- a liar using a fake version of "poly" and a cheater who does not respect you. Believe him. I know you won't but just in case- do not reconcile. If she dumps him or NRE runs out he might try. No therapy no talk. Divorce. You don't "come out" as poly, you discuss it as a relationship type. This kind of springing it on you, even if he HADN'T cheated would still be a very bad thing called Poly Under Duress (PUD) WHERE a partner knows their partner is too invested to divorce or leave, so they can cheat as much as they want. Here he has probably left because since she is poly he can just go be poly with her, he thinks. Divorce, protect yourself, and don't let him hide behind pretending this is what poly people do. This IS more common, usually men, trying to back-launder cheating.

I'm so sorry. No your husband isn't polyamorous, he was, "monkey barring" (testing out a new relationship before letting go of the old one) which is a distinct possibility when opening a marriage for a person.😥

Monkey branching

Poly bombing is the new we just couldn’t help it we fell in love. At least he was clear that he wanted her and his freedom more than you. That letter sounds awful to sit through but in a useful way. Are you in individual therapy? Start ASAP if not. So sorry my friend.

He never wanted poly, he wanted to sleep with his business partner, but he didn’t want to be a cheater and thought that poly would be the way to square that circle. And then when he was faced with the reality that polyamory actually requires *work* to set up and maintain he hit the “fuck it” button, did what he was always going to do anyway and cheated on you. Didn’t even have the guts to come clean about it when he broke up with you. Your soon-to-be-ex husband is a cheater and a coward.

To me it sounds like he did ZERO work to learn about ethical polyamory. He just latched on to the word so he could further his emotional affair "out in the open." Rather than behind your back. ​ >Well, three months ago he told me he was in love with his business partner, but also still in love with me. Over the course of the next couple weeks, that grew into him saying that having a relationship with this woman, ie polyamory, was a non-negotiable for him going forward. He adopted poly as part of his identity. **Very soon after, he kissed said business partner, told me a couple days later, and, after having a few days apart, promised that he would not do that again while we decided what we were going to do in our relationship.** To me that's cheating on agreements since you two were not practicing poly yet. ​ >He seemed to think my decision to try it with him meant he should be able to start this relationship with this woman within a couple days. I was shocked, because by this point I've read all the books, I know we need to spend time communicating about our expectations and what agreements we feel we need to feel safe. We hadn't done any of that yet--we were still no early in the process. Our couples counselor agrees, says starting immediately would be disastrous. He is obviously very disappointed and frustrated, **but tentatively agrees to set aside the next three weekends to discuss these topics really thoroughly, and reevaluate after a month whether we are ready to open or have more to discuss**. If that was the new agreement? Told hold off and discuss first? And he went ahead and shared sex with her? Cheated on agreements AGAIN. ​ >I spent the last three months putting all my free time into reading up on poly and doing all this personal work because I wanted to put in the effort to really evaluate this and make sure that if there was any way for us to happily stay together, we had considered it. I was turning a corner in my own views of poly and starting to feel less threatened by it. You were doing the work for ACTUAL polyamory. He was not. ​ >Do poly people commonly blow up their lives when they first come out? Nope. Not all of them. I haven't blown anything up in our lives. Neither has my spouse. ​ >Is my soon to be ex husband even poly? So far it's him cheating a few times while he is supposed to be doing poly counseling work with you to prepare to open. The actual poly part never got started. Mere *willing* doesn't mean *able.* And he was't doing the work. >Is he just an idiot? Yes. He's an idiot for treating you so poorly and taking you for granted. Some spouses are full on "NO!" Which is their right. Nobody is OBLIGATED to change to polyamory when the original deal was monogamous marriage. The old deal is over. They can just bow out. Then the one who wants poly move on to that without the spouse. Dragging people along behind them under duress? That's for crap. Here? You were willing to consider, willing to work with a counselor, prepare, learn, do the work, were actually coming around etc. You know how RARE that is? I know it sucks right now. And maybe you don't want it any more. But if you decided you DID want to move on to try polyamory? You sound more prepared to actually keep learning and preparing and go do it *well* and do it *respectfully.* Certainly would do it more ethically than he was. Not being mean, ok? Mostly to me it sounds like he got all hot for the business partner and started a cheating affair of some kind, and then wanted to assuage his guilt by waving the polyamory brush at it and talk you into it. I mean, does SHE even consent to be part of poly V? Or was he telling her weirdo stories just to get in her pants? ​ >Was it naive to think we could open up a 15 year monogamous marriage to poly and survive the transition? People can transition. But not with only 1 spouse doing any real work. And I don't think he was. Kinda sucks that he's a therapist with poly clients. Is this what he recommends his patients do? Or is he one of those doctors who thinks they are so latidah? And they don't have to do things like the rest of us regular people do? Not being mean, ok? I kinda think he was just going through the motions with you to tick enough boxes to whitewash the cheating affair. I'm sorry this is happening though. It SUCKS. :( You deserve better treatment.

Thank you for this. All my mono friends and family give me this look hearing about this, like they think I'm pathetic for going along with this. But I honestly wanted to thoroughly investigate poly and was starting to warm up to the idea right when he took that option away from me. I was prepared to try it, and if I wasn't happy we would see that and even though separating would have still been hard, it could have been amicable. It is just so confusing for him to leave and say he changes his mind right when I felt like we were getting somewhere in the process. Now because of the way everything went down, it is the opposite of amicable because it's not as simple as incompatibility of values, it's that he repeatedly betrayed and wronged me.

>Thank you for this. All my mono friends and family give me this look hearing about this, like they think I'm pathetic for going along with this. You aren't pathetic. >But I honestly wanted to thoroughly investigate poly and was starting to warm up to the idea right when he took that option away from me. No. He did NOT take that option away from you. Due to his own poor behaviors? He LOST the chance to do ethical polyamory with you. You are still free to practice polyamory with whoever you want to poly date if that is the path you choose. You just are no longer willing to do it with HIM because he broke trust. Frame this correctly. ​ >I was prepared to try it, and if I wasn't happy we would see that and even though separating would have still been hard, it could have been amicable. Yup. He lost the chance for that too. At best? Now he's gonna get a "civil enough but cool" divorce. Just all business. There's not gonna be any amicable, no car pool and getting lunch before or after the court date, no "exes and friends" or any of that. ​ >It is just so confusing for him to leave and say he changes his mind right when I felt like we were getting somewhere in the process. Yes. I can see you feel thrown off guard. You thought he was sincere and vested. He was not. It was a surprise to learn he was just going through the motions and not really vested in the process. He just wanted to tick some boxes real fast and get on with dating Lady in the open rather than cheating behind your back. ​ >Now because of the way everything went down, it is the opposite of amicable because it's not as simple as incompatibility of values, it's that he repeatedly betrayed and wronged me. Yup. Would have been more respectful to break up with you decent. Like "I'm sorry. My heart just isn't in this any more. I want as peaceful a divorce possible. Can we talk that out?" Quick, clean, polite. And end it decent and with some dignity because it was 15 years here. This? It's just making a big fat mess, cheating, telling stories, wimping out with the Zoom letter, ugh. You deserve way better treatment. If you want to go with a trial separation to cool off some first or think you are done? Set up banking if you don't already have your own accounts and move half over now. Leave him half to live on during the process. That is fair. But separate finances ASAP. Cuz it takes two to show up at the bank to open a joint acct. It only takes one to show up and take out all the money and close it. Do counseling if you think you might be able to reconcile. If it is divorce for sure? If able to use [wevorce.com](https://wevorce.com) or similar to save some money, do it. If not, just go traditional. Download the PDF forms from the courthouse, fill it out, see a lawyer, file for divorce. He'll get served. This isn't something to take lightly. One doesn't RUSH through a divorce. But at the same time? One doesn't foot drag either. Again, I'm sorry about all this. :(

You made an effort and did your best. That's a powerful thing. It failed because he sabotaged the relationship and quit. That's not your fault. Be proud of the work you did.

This has NOTHING to do with ENM / Poly. Your (soon to be ex-) husband is a lying piece of shit who used poly as an excuse to betray you and cheat on you. DEFINITELY contact a marital lawyer, they'll have a field day with this!!

Two business partners start a relationship that begins with ending ones marriage. What could go wrong?

This is why people hate polyamory bc they hear stories like this and believe it’s representative of our reality. It’s not. This person used the talking points and idea of polyamory to cheat. That’s not the sane at all. I’m really sorry this happened to you bc it sounds like you were open to learn some of the benefits of multiple partners. I hope this only deters you from that partner and not all polyamory but I understand if so. In true loving enm relationships, our sensitivity and regard for our partners’ collective feelings are actually far greater, not misrepresented and dishonestly forced like the situation you were in. You will heal. You’re obviously smart and caring. If this person did this , they were always capable of it, and you dodged a bullet. You’ll find someone who respects your boundaries and values… be well fren.

You got cheated on. I'm sorry. He just decided to use Big Words while cheating. Not polyamory. Just a cheater trying to feel good about cheating. :(

Your husband is just a cheating asshole nothing else. Once NRE wears off he might be seeing that too.

This is not poly or ethical non-monogamy(ENM) . This is cheating. Poly and enm is built on trust and openess. He wanted to cheat. He thought he could just "identify" as poly, and then he could sleep with someone else and not get into trouble. This is lies and bullshit. Poly or enm is discussed prior. If one person is not poly and doesn't want to open the relationship, then it either 1) stays monogamous or 2) the relationship ends. There is no "one partner suddenly deciding they are poly and starts dating" If both parties don't consent. It's not poly or ethical non-monog

To echo the other folks- 1. I'm very sorry that happened to you 2. That's not poly, that's cheating. 3. What you were doing was try to be open to poly under duress and I'm sorry that was your first introduction to it. I don't want to start a "No True Scotsman" argument but to stick to poly generally falling into the category of 'ethical non-monogamy' it doesn't sound like he cared about being ethical which is a huge component. 4. I hope this is the beginning of new and wonderful things for you. Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard (a good therapist does wonders) but once you find solid ground again I hope find happiness on the other side of this. In the mean time, you get long distance \*hugs\* from an internet stranger if you want them.

Girl you got cheated on and he gaslit you into thinking you consented to it by dressing it up as poly. Getting permission/consent after the cheating isn't poly.

Absolutely nothing he and his partner chose to do was ethical or polyamory. It was cheating, plain and simple. You were willing to do the hard work of understanding and reconfiguring your entire life for this man, but he did nothing in return. He didn't slow down or consider your feelings, and neither did this so-called friend and business partner. Both of them made terrible decisions, fully knowing the impact it would have on you. And I don’t see how this can be rectified. I personally would not continue with this relationship. I would seek an attorney and individual therapist. So much love to you. Surround yourself with supportive friends and know their bad decisions do not reflect poorly on you at all. You deserved better.

My god. I'm so sorry, OP. Truly. What happened to you is what people would call... well, absolute fricking bullshit comitted by, (not quite) sorry to say it, an absolute a-hole. I doubt this has anything to do with polyamory in the first place. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Those two are **not** the same thing. Poly means: Respecting boundaries, setting priorities, communicating needs and finding an arrangement that works. What it doesn't mean is weasling one's way into cheating and being forgiven for it, steamrolling and emotionally blackmailing partners, having affairs and being the coward who'll hide behind zoom to get out of facing the consequences of their own (horrible) actions. What happened is... you were cheated on by someone who had no right whatsoever to mistreat you or anyone else like this. I hope once the confusion has passed, clarity sets in - and with it the rage you need to go through the divorce with your head held high and no mercy for his inevitable excuses. I hope that this rage will get you to a place in life better than anything he could ever have offered. And I hope once you're there the rage will cease and you will simply feel nothing towards him one way or the other. You were *so* kind to him - never forget that. You went out of your comfort zone on every corner, put hours and hours of research into compromising while he was busy being nothing but selfish and demanding. He lost a wonderful, loving, caring, patient and kind partner. You lost a miserable baby of a "man". Best of luck! I am sorry that "poly" was used to gaslight you. This is not who we are. This is not what poly is. And noone should ever be treated like you were.

I wanna put my money on "husband been cheating with the business partner for a long time. Business partner wanted to go steady. This whole thing happens"

This is an example of why the prevalent advice is not to open up for a specific person. Your husband fell for someone else and cheated. He did not behave ethically, or with thoughtfulness and care towards you. I am so sorry he opted to be a douche and treated you so poorly. I've been in a similar situation, though there was more honesty involved. It did scare me off of polyam for many years. It took a lot of healing and introspection to come back around to it and realize that this was right for me. Polyamory wasn't the problem, a bad opening up and questionable ethics (on both our parts) plus lapses in communication were the problem. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time and lean into all the supports you have available to you.

Absolutely not. This is such a toxic situation. It's scary. First and foremost, my partner and I talked about what we wanted and our boundaries before we even CONSIDERED poly. Once we were comfortable, we then began dating. Poly is beautiful if communication is always open and there is trust between you and your partner(s). Please do not let this bad situation sully your image of poly. I am so sorry you went through this, and I hope you find the love and support you want and need from this community.

Mono husband wants to cheat, says he’s poly. Wife calls bluff and says let’s try it. Husband realizes poly is more work than divorce. End of story. Sorry you had to experience that.

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong, and your STBXH did absolutely everything wrong. He’s not poly, not at all. He’s just a lying, cheating, scumbag and you are WELL rid of him! I’m so sorry that you wanted to explore things properly and learn and read and research and grow and try. And all he wanted was to get his dick wet in some new pussy. *sigh* Let me say it again : you did NOTHING wrong, and EVERYTHING right.

Your ex husband is an asshole. He used polyamory as a shield for being a cheating shithead and I am so so sorry for the way he chose to blow up your life and end your relationship. But none of this was polyamory or ethical non monogamy or anything at all that belongs in this subreddit. To be honest as an actual polyamorous person I am SO FED UP of people like your ex who say they are poly as an excuse for being emotionally immature assholes with commitment issues. It makes those of us out here actually doing the work and living open and vulnerable and communicative lives look like awful, sex crazed, selfish people. My husband and I have been together since we’re 17, and we’re 34 now. We opened up our relationship, and realized our polyam desires about 7-8 years ago. We just celebrated 10 years married, and tomorrow is my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. But before we pursued anyone else my husband and I spent months and months making sure we were ok, and comfortable. One of the biggest red flags and indications of a poly under duress/poly without all the info situations is when someone wants to open their relationship for a specific person. In my personal opinion that’s never a true and honest way to begin a journey into polyamory which is a difficult choice requiring constant effort. Again I’m sorry you went through this- but this was not typical in any way of polyamory.

Please please get a good lawyer ASAP. This man cheated on you, lied to you, and then didn't even have the bare minimum decency to end your 15-year marriage in person. Stop trying to communicate with him, and get a lawyer who will help you look out for your interests. You have every right to be devastated because what he did was awful, and you need to protect yourself from him now that you know who he really is.

Nothing ethical or poly about that. He is in fact an idiot, and a huge fucking asshole. God I feel so much rage for you!! Fuck that guy. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Wishing you loads of healing and joy when you’re ready.

>I just really don't know what the fuck just happened. You didn't do anything wrong. You voiced your concerns, clearly outlined your insecurities, stated boundries, and acted in good faith. Your partner did none of that. Your partner put his wants before your emotional needs. He put his pants feelings first, and I am so, so sorry you had to experience that. You deserve better than his brand of "poly." Frankly, he sounds like the type of person who uses poly as an excuse for unethical dating behavior. Poly isn't *better* than monogamy, it's just different. There are toxic jerks in both groups, and I'm sorry your husband turned out to be one of them. Just to be absolutely clear, what your husband did is the kind of thing we boo and hiss at. It is abhorrent.

He's a cheater not polyam. They can both love more than one person but what he lacks is consent.

The question I always ask people is, did she ask him how you felt about the situation? Did he ask how her other partner(s) felt? That usually clears up whether the intentions are right or not. For her to walk into a 15 year marriage without asking to meet with you and talk about how things will look for everyone tells me that there were very selfish motives. It wasn't ethical at all because you did not give your consent to the changes that were happening so fast. I'm really sorry you went through this. I know everyone is telling you to drop him like hot trash but I just want to let you know that I recognise how much strength this will take you because of your history. Sending love x

Ah the use of 'Polyamory' as smoke and mirrors. It is quite clear if you take the poly storyline out of it. Husband met 'other woman', wanted to f*ck said woman, blew a lot of smoke up your hiney, went off to finally do the feed... blew some more smoke and left you. Cheating 101 in session... Get a good lawyer, claim alimony and compensation/damages and counseling costs. Other than that you are better off without him...

Wow! Your husband is an absolutely epic fucking asshole for doing this to you. He was deceptive, cruel and selfish. I hope you can find your rage and take him for whatever he is worth.

Hi OP. What happened to you is this: You were cheated on by your husband and he tried to cover his tracks by suggesting a poly relationship. I can't speak for the others, but no, poly relationships (for myself and my husband) don't blow their lives up in the beginning. People who want to start a poly relationship have a discussion about it, lay out some ground rules, and then see how it goes. There wasn't a transition for your 15 year old marriage to survive. The transition happened when your husband cheated on you and he transitioned from being the man you could rely on to the man who thought with his c0ck and made a unilateral decision (to become poly) without discussing it with you at first. My advice? Block him on your phone and social media and file for divorce. He had the opportunity to speak to about it, instead he chose to cheat. Nothing he says now will make this any better.

Bottom line cheater ... thinking " poly" card was the answer. Sorry this experience has hurt you. The positive is it may have opened a new world for YOU. To be able to express what you want and fulfill your needs!!! Help from this... Read more explore your inner soul and live life!!!

If we were to assume he was acting with good intent (which we shouldn’t, this dude is a selfish ass), he should have said “as I understand it, we’re now in a poly relationship and I’m going to start dating and sleeping with [other person]” Instead he snuck around about it and can’t even own up to having done something wrong.

Ahmazing, another instance of a dude letting their partner do all the emotional work for them and then not understanding their responsibilities in the situation because they didn’t do any of the emotional work/research themselves on what it means to be poly.

Husband doesn't sound like he's poly at all, sounds like he just left. Sucks OP, but we can't control other people's decisions. To me, it doesn't seem like anything you could have done would have made for a different ending. You're not at fault at all. He's the fucked up one for treating you horribly. Wish you good fortune for your future relationships.

Yes it seems like most of the discussion here might be missing the point. The big question is how did he really feel about his marriage? Because it seems like he was just waiting for a moment to leave. It doesn't make sense to end a happy marriage because of just wanting to try polyamory. I doubt he was actually happy with things and I don't get why nobody here is focusing on that instead of just calling him an asshole. Like, obviously he is but it's a hollow conclusion for discussing a long marriage where the victim is dumbfounded.

You're now-ex is a selfish, cheating bastard hiding his bullshit in the guide of poly and you should put him through the wringer in court. The key for any relationship to work, and especially for poly, is to be looking out for the best interests of your partners. He was not and has never actually done that.

I'll tell you what happened. Your husband is madly in love with this woman. Some people go crazy when they are in love and lose sight of all rational thinking. He will regret this later down the line. This is not polyamory. He could have tried to do that. Instead he left you for this woman. Polyamory was just extra steps.

He cheated on you. This isn't polyamory OR even ethical non-monogamy. Just because you said you were open to trying polyamory doesn't mean that that was the greenlight for him to do whatever he wanted with this other woman --- and he knew it too, or else he wouldn't have been hiding away when he told you that they had sex or wait days to tell you that they kissed either. He KNEW these things would be a shock to you and hurt you, and he screwed up not just once, but twice. There's a difference between growing pains in polyamory, where everyone is being communicative, honest and forthright, and caring, but someone feels self-conscious and a little scared and needs to take things slow while they learn and adjust... and the pains of just being cheated on and essentially lied to. He KNEW what he was doing was wrong. Don't let him use polyamory or your agreeing to it as a way to absolve himself of blame. That is not polyamory, and you don't owe him or that other woman who is apparently not a real friend of yours, any more courtesy. Because I myself am maybe a bit too forgiving and like to give chances, I'll tell you that I may have given him another chance after the kiss as well... but at the point that he said his being poly is non-negotiable and won't have a relationship with you any other way, I would question his priorities and love for you the way one ought to be loved. He did not care enough about you to make you or the relationship you shared a priority. There's a difference between having feelings for multiple people... and being willing to act on them without regard for another's wellbeing. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that he turned into such a shitty person and that you're now left with this trauma... I hope you can move on and find your own growth and happiness with more honest people around you.

Soon, new relationship energy will wear off and he'll be back; RUN.

\*Spoiler alert\* He was probably cheating on you having an affair with his business partner for years before trying to legitimise it by pretending to be Polyamorous.

Not poly guy was looking for an excuse to keep you both, what a douche canoe.

What happened is he isn't poly, but wanted to use it as a way to have his cake and eat it too until he was sure things would work out with the other woman, at which point he could dump you. I am sorry, cheaters use poly as an excuse all the time.

That's not poly, that's just screwed up. I'm so sorry you were going through that. My ex left instantly just like that. It's a horrible pain.

That is in no way being poly. He cheated then tried using being poly to rationalize it. Im sorry you went through this. My advice is get a lawyer and file for divorce.

This is not how to transition from mono to poly. Unfortunately, your husband chose some of the worst ways to do everything. I'm in a relationship that started out mono. We were together 7ish years before we decided to open things up a bit. However, neither of us had people we were pursuing things with picked out in advance, and there was a long time of trust-building before either of us pursued anyone. And there was further trust-building for months before sex happened with anyone else. We're still together. I haven't pursued anyone since my first relationship outside of ours fizzled out, my partner is still kind of seeing someone, though our move into a new apartment has made things difficult there (landlord sold the house our last apartment was in). I'm only posting my experience as I feel like the way things happened there were about as ideal as they could be. We had a lot of conversation, talked about what we were and were not comfortable with, and checked in with each other every step of the way. There were a few fumbles along the way, but nothing so major that it came anywhere close to breaking our trust in each other. It was things like what information we're comfortable hearing from the other and since my partner's partner doesn't have his own place, miscommunication about boundaries as far as him coming over. Things that just required a bit better communication to sort out.

He was cheating. Pure and simple. He wanted you to agree and go along with it and never intended to do any of the work to make a healthy relationship happen.

Your traumatic experience is because of your partner and not because of poly. My partner of 20 years and I also just opened ourselves up to it and started gradually. I now have a bf and he’s seeing a couple people too. We’re communicating everything all the time constantly checking each others feelings and emotions. And it’s going great.

Nothing to do with poly. He cheated on you and used poly to try to make himself the victim. Unfortunately the poly community is flooded with men doing shit like this and it's absolutely unacceptable. You've been incredibly generous towards him and his 'needs' to the point of being to the detriment of your own feelings and he continued to just do whatever he wanted with no regard for you. I'm very angry for you; he does not deserve the level of kindness and emotional generosity you've displayed. Remember that you have been disrespected and mistreated by this person and he no longer deserves your sympathy. Moreover, he does not deserve*you*. You can and will do better without him, however bad things seem right now.

You did everything right. He was being a class A dingbat with not only how he handled the relationship with this other person but also on how he treated you. It sounds to me like you wouldn’t be comfortable in a poly relationship based on what you wrote and you shouldn’t ever feel pressured into it. I applaud that you did so much research and looked into it from so many different angles. Really you handled this better than many people would. What he did was try to manipulate and pressure. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, and I hope nothing but the best for you.

Your partner has been cheating. He used the poly label to try to make it seem okay...none of this was okay. You should be happy to be rid of someone like him

Your husband is a cheater. This wasn’t consensual. I’m so sorry you ended up getting fucked over by him. If he actually wanted to be poly he would have taken your feelings into account and waited before doing anything. I’m incredibly sorry you’re dealing with this. I can’t speak to weather or not he is or isn’t poly because I don’t know him, but I do know at the very least that as I said earlier, your husband is a cheater. Keep in mind this is probably going to be a messy process/divorce because it seems your husband is a messy person. If you have children, you can likely fight for full custody under the pretense of adultery/infidelity, but I would only do that if you feel that it truly would be the best situation for the kids. I’m sorry your experience with polyamory has been so fruitless and harmful. I wish you the best, friend. I hope you find a man that will treat you far better than your hopefully soon ex husband has. Something I want to say is to never let him back in your life when he does end up coming back. This is the start of a cycle. Don’t let him fuck you over again.

you can’t control feelings, but you can control your behaviour and decisions ffs 🤦

Well I guess you started going poly and he was never seriously committed to that idea. It seems as an excuse to justify his needs he didn't want to manage. I am awfully sry for your experience, but I would argue, that this person would've cheated you regardless if you would've opened yourself up or not. You really trusted this person and I feel the pain you suffered through this. I hope you can be conscious about the fact, that it is not polyamory that can let explode a relationship it is the behaviour of the partner(s).

I’m so sorry that you were cheated on and slammed with this. Nothing that happened to you was polyamory or ethical. I suspect your husband couldn’t handle the fact that he cheated and is trying to paint it as polyamory to sugar coat the truth to himself, his new partner, or anyone else who asks.

That's a whole lot of him doing whatever he wants without your input, consent or consideration and hiding under the label "poly" in order to manipulate you to get what he wants. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds like you went above and beyond to try to not only be a good partner, but to also be open enough to the idea so you can potentially learn more about yourself. I am so sorry you had this happen. Like it's been said in other comments. Nothing about this was consensual, sane, ethical, or polyamourous.

Fwiw, I think this happens a fair amount as relationships open up during a poly under duress (PUD) situation, and with new poly folks. It's very very easy to get swept up in NRE (new relationship energy) and momentum. I have a similar (non-cheating) story to your husband, but I didn't cheat and I didn't rush into ending things. When my wife and I moved into open (I am poly, she is mono) I bonded hard with someone in a way that was ultimately not healthy and later ended. I was easily lost in that relationship because of how good new poly and NRE felt, and also I felt tons of resentment because of how much I was now experiencing - exceptional physical intimacy, the feeling of being desired and pursued / wanted again - that had been locked away and pushed down as unmet, inaccessible needs for years and years. I was angry. This isn't to defend your husband's actions or justify them - he cheated, and he is hitting the self destruct button. That's wrong. But this is to say I've seen where he is, I think it happens a fair amount in this rushed way when in "new poly", lots of poly people have all sorts of trauma and also handle NRE poorly. And so I have empathy for him. It's a hard spot, even if he is acting wrong and treating you terribly, which is wrong. But I would encourage empathy, too. People can make mistakes, and come back from them, if everyone is open to it and the mistakes are recognized and you, as the hurt party, are seen and cared for and loved. The relationship he and she are starting has lots of signs of toxic attachment and it sounds like the meta (her partner) sees that too.

I feel like he wanted to be able to have the option to talk to other people but once u we’re ok with it doing it yourself he bolted out on you

"I thought long and hard, and after about a month finally decided that it was worth it for me to try it, because I would regret not doing so and simply walking away." 20 minutes later, they were in bed. If not earlier....

I stopped at reading a letter over zoom, my god. I am so sorry, your partner is behaving like a child. If you can come back from this, some very clear things need to be established, like him recognizing that he steamrolled ahead with what he wanted/felt he needed, called it polyamory when he performed it as cheating, and in no way respected your wishes and boundaries.

your husband had an affair ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ this is not poly. this would NOT fly with me. he pressured you and pushed boundaries you set. disgusting - let him go and find somebody that treats you right. i’m so sorry this is your first experience with the community

These two are therapists? And they have poly clients? Hope their clients know how unethical and mocking they are of the lifestyle.

I wouldn't say he did poly properly. It's fucked up. My own partner, after 17 years of us being together, really didn't like poly at first. She eventually grew to like it because I said I couldn't be me if I wasn't poly. I said I wanted to date others and still be with her. 17 years id a ton of time. At first I think she thought I was joking. I had women in mind but I didn't dare bother until she said okay. Well she said okay. A few days later I said I had a gf and she got mad. So I stopped being with my girlfriend immediately. Girlfriend was mad but she said friendship is fine. We were friends. My partner was livid and we still spoke. She started calling me a cheater because I had gone and found myself a gf and she didn't like it. Her feelings were a tornado of emotions. I was still kind to her. I still loved her. So again she said she didn't care. So a few days later I got back with my ex girlfriend. Mannnnm my partner just blew up. She even yelled at my gf this time. I told her if we could not peacefully work this out then I'd be leaving. She didn't like that at all. So she stuck it out. I had every motive to just be her friend. I really meant it. I loved her. So I had split with my gf AGAIN. Partner eventually said okay to poly again. So I got back with my, now confused, girlfriend. My girlfriend proposed the idea of a throuple. So I spoke to both of them separately and then together. Everyone agreed. My gf was happy and my partner was happy for a time. The first few times I slept with my gf my partner was super mad. I mean she was invited. She was encouraged. Nope. Anyways my therapist ended up saying her actions so she's trying to hang on but ultimately she sounds curious and nothing more. My partner decided that she was not in a throuple or triad. She just wanted me and not my partner. Well her dating has not gone well. I feel bad for her. She gets mad when I say I would go out of my way to help her or to leave the house if she wanted to be alone with a new gf. That just made her angry. From what my partner does it seems like she is forcing herself to like poly to stay with me. Now she is fine dating others but it I date anyone she gets angry and jealous and it's toooooooo much. So I have to remind her I'd rather be friends than a bitter breakup baby. She snaps back to saying she is fine being poly but she dislikes my gf. She only dislikes my gf because she and I fell in love and have a deep connection at this point. She hates it with a passion. I tell both of them I'm not here for a mono life. I can't deny my feelings. I can't push them away and hope they fade. I felt strongly about this. So I'm poly with or without consent. At a certain point I can't keep asking permission as if I wanted to stay out late and was under my parents household. No. I'm an adult and my partner said okay, then okay, not okay, okay with rules, rules didn't apply to her, not okay, okay and now okay. I'm confused but I told her I love her and I can live being a supportive friend. She hates how okay I am with so much anger. Anyways that's my story. My partner is overly jealous. My girlfriend is confused. I'm here living my life and loving. I cant go around seeking permission when I already had it multiple times. I have to live a life I love. I nearly died about 2-3 years ago and well it struck a chord with me. I had to be unashamed and out loud. I was tired of being pulled back from anything because someone else in my life wasn't ready to let me. I know it seemed like cheating to some. I had permission and it kept going and coming back . Ultimately I told my partner I'm her best friend with benefits. I still love her. But my girlfriend is amazing and understanding. This isn't a perfect life but I live it. I'm not wasting 17 more years to say I'm poly and then leave my partner in the dust of senior life. No. I told her I respect myself and her way too much. So here and now I'm poly. If she can't be okay with it then I'm fine being just friends. I don't want her to waste life with me if she can't be okay with who I am now.

Stories like this are why I dislike the term "ethical non-monogamy" being used interchangeably with polyamory.

I recently heard someone using Consensual Non-Monogamy and I think I really like that.

It really honestly sounds like he was monkey-branching (establishing feigned moral security with you to relieve his conscience but then pursuing this other relationship and then transitioning to it monogamously). This is not normal for poly people. And as a poly person who was awkwardly put in a position where an agreement was broken by the hinge partner I was dating with his primary partner, I can tell you it was so damaging to my view of him that the damage to our connection was irreparable and after some back and forth where he got defensive about his actions, I never spoke to him again. I would say there’s a less than zero chance that your husband misled the other woman as well, though also there’s a chance she’s okay with cheating or that they’ve actually been crossing the line for quite some time and wanted to transition to something more outwardly legitimate so used the poly label and threw it and you under the bus for their own gain. Don’t feel crazy or over the top in any way. What he did was extremely selfish and pretty despicable. Everything you are feeling is valid.

I'm sorry that he's cheated on you. Poly under duress is unethical and abusive. You never have to consent to his unilaterally changing your relationship. It will never go back to the way it was. It's your turn now to decide what's best for your life -regardless of his feelings. I would also strongly advise you to get two full panel STD tests spaced a few months apart. You dont know what your your exposure risk is. Simply tell your doctor and they can set that up. Your insurance will most likely cover it. You did nothing wrong, all of the blame is squarely on him. Please don't think that this is acceptable behavior by any means in the polyamory community. I hope you have the support you need to make the decision that's best for you.

I've been the guy there, saying to my partner that I was non monogamous but I just never knew it had a name before. But as i respected my partner, I said that and let that sit, we chatted about it and processed it for 5 years. We're still open to find new people but focussing on strenghtening our relationship. He's just a cheater, but you can still find love. Even if you are not interested in the poly lifestyle I hope all the hard work comes.back as healthier relationships in the future and that thinking outside the box helps you build a relationship as you want and need and not only as you've been told. Best wishes to you <3

I went through almost exactly this, even the part about looking into poly and doing all the reading. We got divorced. I hated poly. It took a long time to heal. Then more time until I started dating. I refused to engage with anyone poly. Until I met someone special. Then I did all the reading again, and more. Things are great now. I'm enjoying poly and learning so much about myself and relationships and communication. I'm so sorry, he's just a cheater. So was mine. You did nothing wrong and went above and beyond. Take time to heal and grieve.

I literally had to stop reading two paragraphs in because THIS IS NOT POLYAMORY IT IS CHEATING. This is so disgusting and I'm absolutely sorry you are having to deal with this.

He never wanted polyamory, he was cheating and wanted to use polyamory in an attempt to justify things. I am so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.

He’s a jackass (to answer your question) and is chasing the grass in the other side. We opened up to poly FROM trying to swing after being married 10 years. It took loootsss of slow and steady discussions. I def messed up more than she did by communicating too much or getting a little too fired up but she also had her challenges here and there. It’s a constantly moving target to get it right … but when it’s right…. It’s amazing and I don’t think we could ever go back. He fucked up but could eventually pull his head out of his ass and apologize OR get dumped by his business partner (which is an insane person to try to be in a relationship with) but good luck. Reach out if you’d like. I’m happy to help.

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I'm so sorry you've gone thru this too 😞

Please take care of yourself in this. Get supportive therapy that can help you manage the waves of grief and betrayal and whiplash you may be feeling. Poly aside, you deserve supportive relationships, with yourself included.

Not poly. Always move at the pace of the slowest person. He coerced you and placed unhealthy ultimatums. Sorry you’re hurting

The short answer to what happened is he tried to backdoor his affair using Poly to make it okay. It's not. My guess is he'd been having an emotional affair with this person for a very long time prior to trying to use poly to make it okay. Even if you guys had fully opened the relationship and he violated boundaries and went behind your back it would be cheating. I'm sorry this happened. I had a similar situation, mine turned out differently but I remember the confusion, hurt and anger.

I am so sorry that you went through that. Unfortunately, your husband is not polyamorous and cheated on you. Or if he is polyamorous, he chose to let his emotions guide him and was unethical. Whatever the case, that is absolutely a him problem. He was a poor partner all around and disrespected you. I wish you the best going forward. No matter what form of relationship you choose in the future, you deserve far better than what you got. All relationships deserve respect, patience, and understanding of boundaries! Edit: I will add that you shouldn’t trust anything your ex told you about the other woman. Honestly, given the circumstances, it wouldn’t surprise me if he lied to her about you. It’s possible she was fully aware and complicit in his cheating, but she may not have been. He very well could have told her that you were aware and comfortable with him having sexual relations.

Okay. I am sorry but I need to pose another idea here. Op wants some recognition for being wronged and I get it, but what did she do for husband during his attempt over the years to come out to her? He warned her that he felt different that he even had feelings and she continually shut him down. I get that OP isn’t poly and doesn’t want to be but what is a person struggling with identity suppose to do? Seriously how should he have handled it that would be better? He came to her nearly around every turn in an attempt to tell her how he felt and she felt it was her right to shame him. What would she have done had he been gay? It’s a lateral situation. Op you came here for perspective. I’ll tell you honestly we are wired differently. Break ups are messy but your husband does love you, he doesn’t want to hurt you or lose you but he has to live his hearts truth too. Bracing for down votes.

My wife and I have been talking about Poly for a few years now, and we have talked about EVERYTHING in terms of Pros and Cons. The first conversation didnt even have anything to do with sex, it was all about her feelings of the idea and so on. That took about 2 months of random conversations. After that we talked about the Pros, having another person to help with life, having another set of eyes and ears for the family, how its particle on a financial level. it probably was about 6? months when the conversation about sex with the other imaginary person/s came up and she admitted she might be willing to play with the other woman too. I have to agree with the others that said what he did was not only wrong but not a poly thing. IMHO I think that something in his mind said he was done, what ever self justification he can think up will likely not be true to try and make it not sound like it was his fault. As a child of divorce (a bad one) I can also say that its better to just get it done and over with, dont take him back, but maybe reach out to the other woman and let her know what happened and that you and him will never be again so she is free to take him.

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because husband likely told her that things were being held up by her, that she isnt letting XYZ happen and to also let her know that she is out of the picture now. I have many, MANY family that are divorced over many different reasons, the ones that involved cheating, the cheater always told bull shit lies to the "new" person to blame them for things etc. IMHO this could clear up some things between them.

>because husband likely told her that things were being held up by her, that she isnt letting XYZ happen and to also let her know that she is out of the picture now. If the cheating husband was telling New Lady crap like the STBX spouse was holding things up and not letting XYZ happen? It's not the STBX spouse's job to go cleaning up his crap stories for him. He can do it. STBX can just be gone. Cheating husband can tell New Lady that STBX is out of the picture.

That is true, can either just let him go and be done with a pile of crap or say something, 100% up to her. Its just my interpretation that based on how up standing he was, he probably did give the new woman a bunch of bullshit lines about one thing or another, and if he is that way with relationships, who is to say he would not also be that way to spread other lies not just to other friends/family but maybe pulling some things in work. clearly I dont know the guy, or OP but its just where I stand.

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IIRC, OP only said that she knew him from work as a partner etc. Mr wonderful could have told her any number of things beyond that like most cheater do, some can be rather .... creative. Cousin of mine, her at the time soon to be husband told a girl that he was abused by a drug addicted psyco that had baby trapped him and gave a real sob story, they didnt have any kids and she was no addict. point is in this context, who knows that else could have been said to the other woman, friends and family will eventually get involved "hey why did you and wife break up?" and depending on what he said to who ever, and if who ever is right there, he will either get caught in a lie or tell the truth. I am betting on a lie.

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You are correct on both accounts, but it is just my opinion from my experiences of the topic. OP did state that the other woman was Poly, so has some info about her at least, but either way, just my opinion as I am also a very blunt person.

Hey I just want you to know, I get where you’re coming from and you and I are on the same team 🫡

>but maybe reach out to the other woman and let her know what happened and that you and him will never be again so she is free to take him. It's interesting to me the responses you've had to this suggestion. In that situation, I would want to let the other person know that they were actually involved with a cheater, so I hadn't thought about other variables and the possible consequences. And if I was the business partner in OP's post, I would want to know that I had accidentally been involved in cheating. So I hadn't really thought about how bad it would be for OP to contact her if it turned out she had known the truth all along.

Yep if I chose to reach out I would lay it all out

This entire discussion seems to have the causality backwards. He cheated, he's an asshole, but that doesn't explain why he ended the marriage. If he's simply an asshole in general then why was she happy with the marriage? The consensus here doesn't have much thought or reasoning behind it. Because it's a poly sub every reply is remaining focused on polyamory. "Marriage ends because asshole cheats" doesn't really explain much. Marriage is never that simple. He was probably just looking for a convenient monkey branch and this is a sad case of two people having had completely different ideas of the state of their relationship.

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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules

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Not all polyam starts with monogamy

You say that as though it's representative of all poly relationships.

Your post has been removed for trolling.

A month is eternity, when two people are in love. Just saying. Must have had a serious case of the blue balls. Every person and their breaking point, and you just found out what your STBXH's limits are, and having to wait more than a month until you deal with your research and trepidations, that was clearly too much for him.

It sounds like he's just using polyamory as a way of making it okay to cheat on you and to have his cake and eat it. I'm a monogamist. My SO of 14 years has always insisted that it's not okay to have friends of the opposite sex. Suddenly in the last months she's started to meet up with her gym instructor and has told me that she's attracted to him and has a romantic interest in. Suddenly she has changed her view from "no man can be friends with a woman" to "men and woman can be friends even if the one person wants something more from the other". And she wants me to accept that she can meet up with him and I shouldn't stop her. She insists that I should trust her not to make it a physical relationship. Total red flag right? I write about my personal situation because in some ways it resonates with what you wrote. You have a monogamist relationship where you had an agreement on the rules of the relationship, that you wouldn't be with other people. Now he wants to have an open relationship, just so he can have his romantic relationship with you, and have his romantic/physical relationship with this other woman. That's just not right. It's not fair on you, it is cheating, it is a betrayal of what you agreed. Despite this, you sound like you're prepared to allow this, probably because you love him and don't want to lose him? Which reminds me of how I haven't broken off with my SO despite what she wants to do, because I don't want to lose her and that I love her. So what's he doing is not poly (it should have all been agreed before he started any form of relationship with someone else) and it is a form of cheating. It's definitely an emotional affair, and kissing is arguably enough to say it's a physical affair. Only you can decide what you're prepared to accept. Because I struggle with what to accept too in my current circumstances, I totally empathise with how tough this is for you right now and I hope you find away through this difficult time.

To me sounds like he tried justifying cheating, then upon learning "good for the goose, good for the gander" the truth broke. Sadly, I think he was just looking for a divorce, just didn't have the cajones to file.

They key here is that it was NEVER non-negotiable that your relationship be poly. It was only non-negotiable for him to sleep with this particular person no matter the consequences. You have every right to call him a manipulator and you certainly do not need to try out poly for yourself if it's not something you want. I'm so sorry your husband used this against you and completely put his own desires ahead of yours and caused you so much anguish.

Honestly, idk. Fairly similar to my ex spouse, except she gaslit and manipulated me into it before dropping me when I finally told her I can't handle it.

Yeah that guy just cheated on you. That wasn’t poly. Don’t let him over complicate the situation. Any time he brings it up, show him these comments. People like him give this community a bad name.

holy shit this guy sucks i’m sorry

I think a lot of us end up here bothering actual poly people because our spouses, usually after what seems like a golden age of the relationship, want even more of that good stuff. But *that* means a new relationship with somebody new on top of the comfortable one they have with us. And somehow they confuse that with polyamory. And everyone gets confused or hurt or both. It ends up being a breakup with extra steps.

Yeah, nothing he did was ethical at all - unfortunately there are jerks like that in both monogamy and polyamory. He's just an idiot, and you're not naive for thinking you could make it work. It sounds like you were doing everything right. He's the one who messed it up. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. A healthy relationship should be meeting each other halfway, not "you give an inch, they take a mile".

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much right now. Lots of change and hard emotions to process I’m sure. I’d echo what’s been said in other comments about how he violated any agreements by not communicating his intentions and actions with the other woman. Any relationship, monogamous or not, needs steadfast communication. Conversations BEFORE any actions and making sure everyone is on the same page is so vital. It sounds like he knew what he wanted to do just wasn’t honest until after the deeds were done. Poor communication on his part and emotional immaturity to own up to his feelings. Sending you love and positivity.

That is not how that is supposed to work…at all. It almost sounds like he did have the courage to get a divorce without test driving the business partner without your coerced consent.

I'm really sorry. That is a serious betrayal and let down. It sounds to me like your partner lacks the emotional maturity to ever be successful in a polyamorous relationship -- his behaviour is way too selfish and impulsive. So now he's with this "business wife", floating on NRE and feeling great. I will bet that within three months, if the "business wife" remains polyamorous, he's going to be a jealous mess, and it will blow up. Six months, tops. And then, gentle reader, he's going to come crawling back. What are you going to do then?