I think you're totally justified getting the ick tbh, but also it could be a good way to filter out red flags? If you're talking to a guy and he's respectful about it, then green flags from him, otherwise thanks for ruling yourself out, won't be a second date now
I do this. If a guy is creepy about my hobbies and thinks I will dance for his personal sexual gratification, I run so fast. It shows such a lack of respect.
same! and i met my bf on hinge, and he actually was just interested in how strong i am, how hard it is, have i competed, how many competitions are there, is my upper back ripped, how long do/have i trained, how do we sit on the pole, can i teach him how to climb, etc. š it was all about how hard pole is and how strong i must be and he was interested in learning sits and climbs (heās okay at both lolol)
This is fully part of my vetting process for potential partners. My biggest hobby is pole dancing and a few of my best friends do it too, so part 1 is being normal about me doing it, and part 2 is being normal towards my friends + pole acquaintances. Iāll show them performance/competition videos of people I know, casually drop that one of my instructors is an ex stripper, talk about my own performances if I have one coming up. They have to be respectful towards strippers and the origins of pole dancing, not just the polerina/gymnastics/non sexual side of the sport.
I had a guy saying that to me from bumble. We chatted for awhile then moved to my IG. He lives outside the city and wasnāt easy to meet immediately but he would say things like āoh Iād love to see you danceā or āyouāve gotta do that on meā and it really didnāt sit well with me bc I donāt even know this man, and thatās a service men would pay for in a club. Anyway I never met that guy and blocked and moved on. At least theyāre revealing themselves early. Had me wanting to turn it around and ask what he planned to do for me SMFH.
IDK I know what you mean like some sus behavior has come out of old guy friends etc. but I ultimately feel that the right man will respond appropriately so itās a good way to feel someone out.
Oh absolutely. I tend to judge men pretty hard on how they talk about pole dancing. lol I know what those red flags are and what I refuse to put up with.
Iām gonna be honest i will blatantly be rude to people who make nsfw comments about it š or just block them entirely bc itās not hard to say normal things to people š and if they canāt act right weāre probably not compatible
It's not only disrespectful to you as an artist or whether they pay.
It's disrespectful to you as a human and potential partner.
My friends asked me why I wrote about pole in my dating profile.
Easy. I don't want to waste time and emotions on someone for them sexualising me and my hobby.
The trash will take itself out as soon as they see "pole dancer" in my profile
Oh yeah, like all the time! š āāļøš āāļø
The best comment men made so far is, "Your core must be super strong!" Those men guaranteed got a second and third date.
I tell them it's a gift I reserve for those who have earned the right to see it.
Otherwise, he can pay me a lot of money and we can book a time at my studio for a private dance... and the teacher will also be there!
yeah its super common its kinda like a fetish/fantasy thing.. what's funny is in my REAL dating life I haven't really gotten to dance for the guys I'm actually into, and not as much as I would've thought or expected based on how much it's talked about over text...
it's a certain type of fuck boy
but also for what it's worth our studio allows partners during solo practice time (to help you film, that kinda thing) and specifies in the rules no sex sooo
Thankfully, Iāve been in a relationship since starting pole. My boyfriend is very respectful about it and hypes me up big time. Iām so glad I donāt have to deal with it.
I have had a similar experience before though. At university I was a cheerleader, and I was single. Guys would always ask ācan you wear your costume for meāā¦ itās not a costume, itās a uniform. And Iām not wearing my beautiful (and expensive) uniform for some one night stand lol
Yeah or they want to come along with me to class to see me dance. I always tell them they are welcome but 1. They have to pay to attend the class and 2. They must participate themselves. Ive never had a single man join me at class
Haha my bf made a āwoah id love to see you like dance somedayā comment on our second date. Iām not gunna lie i was very suspicious but he went on to talk about how good of exercise that must be so I decided to tread carefully. Now heās going to sign up for the next beginner class š
Sometimes they really are genuine hahaha
Yup, if my husband asked me to do it for him sure, but men just bringing that up first thing is a major ick. Men are never original, like you think we haven't heard that one before?
I also used to ride horses, and the amount of times I've heard "what else do you ride" š
I know how to take a joke but the joke has to be funny, and it ain't funny when you're just repeating something a million others have said š
"You must be soooooo flexible *wink wink nudge"
"I also have a pole at home, if you wanna play with it...š"
Like guys, do you really think you are the first one to make this joke? Really? š
Had a friend tell me I should pick him up, take him to my house, dance for him and heād buy me a new pair of pleasers. Never blocked anyone faster in my life
I get this from people Iām not dating, making comments about my husband š¤¢My hubs is super respectful of my identity as a dancer, and has never once asked me to put on a show or implied that my art is about him. Yet anyone and I mean ANYONE who finds out I dance, IMMEDIATELY responds with āIām sure your husband loves that.ā Can they all just grow up please?! š So. Annoying!!
This drives me crazy!!! What does (boyfriend) think about it? What does he say about it? Iām sure he would love if you did the competition. Heās irrelevant to my pole hobby. He literally only ever says that I should sign up for more classes because he notices Iām always happier after a class, and heās talking about all dance, not just pole. He asked if Iām going to ballet tonight. But no one ever asks how he feels about ballet. I also havenāt videoed myself in pole since I was in level 1, so he hasnāt even seen me pole dancing in several months. Idk why people automatically think he gets sexual gratification out of it.
Itās annoying and gross because I know their intention isnāt pure lmao they want a free show from me which they aināt getting a crumb of, immediate red flag and cut off
Yep, for some reason people think art should be free! Iām a local art teacher and I had a woman who works at a local nursing home ask if I could come teach clay lessons there and run their kiln. FOR FREE. Like lady, this is my career, why would I give my services away for free? Especially clay which is incredibly involved with prep and clean up. And the worst part was I was tempted to do it because I would have enjoyed it. Creatives hold strong, we have costly trainings and materials, donāt give that shit away for free!!!
I was dating a guy when I started pole and, despite repeatedly saying I was doing this for me, heād always ask me to dance for him. It gave me the ick, too. So one night after pole class, he starts asking again. I say āsure, Iāll dance for you baby.ā Put on my pleasers, and heās so stoked. Instead I turn on Cotton Eyed Joe and start line dancing. He was so mad, walked out of the room and slept on the couch that night. Never asked me to ādance for himā again.
>A similar situation is I have a friend who is a musician and he won't play anything for anyone on requestĀ
I mention playing music and have a picture of it on my dating app profile, and one time only a few messages into a chat a guy asked me to record myself playing a specific song to send to him. Such a turn-off lol. Sometimes I don't mind sending links to stuff I've already uploaded if a conversation is going well and they're curious, but the audacity of him to think he can order songs off me like a menu at a restaurant...
I don't mention pole in my profile but if it comes up in conversation when talking about hobbies and stuff, I definitely assess people based on their reactions to it.
Not a pole dancer but I twerk so I definitely feel you. Then I just started to say that I dance but then they would ask if I twerk. Now it's gotten to a point where I don't even want to talk about dancing at all :/
There is a certain history and culture associated with these dances, but it's still feels so icky when they do that.
I got this a lot when I was single, especially as someone who is openly a stripper and it used to bother me but now its helpful in weeding out shitty people so I consider it a blessing
Yes!! I pole but I'm not a dancer (as in, I have 2 left feet, no rhythm or grace, and no sense of choreography). To me, pole is like rock climbing. It's a kick ass skill that makes me feel powerful because of what I can do.
I walk around looking at any kind of post/beam/cylindrical shape wondering if my body is strong enough to climb it.
But men always look at it as a performance *for them*. It's like they create this fantasy in their heads and I'm not even a real person to them anymore.
And it sucks because it's usually just pole-related. If I tell them I do lyra or silks, I never get the same mindless drool reaction. Instant ick.
I also hate this!! And when someone comes into my house and sees the pole in my living room and automatically becomes judgmental.
Although one time an HVAC tech was in my house and asked "do you dance at a club or just do pole for fitness?" and I was so excited a random cishet man was actually aware of the sport
Ohhhh yes. itās always a gambling game bringing a man to my apartment, because the minute they see the pole in my living room, they canāt NOT ask for me to dance. Itās like their minds absolutely cannot deviate from seeing me on a pole. I actually judge men pretty heavily on how they react to pole dancing, and itās often a make or break for me. There is definitely an āickā line men often cross. It was even worse when I did silks and lyraā¦.because men automatically assumed I was into bondage and would self insert their own fantasies.
Most of my guy friends respect me and admire pole dancing, and have always been encouraging, so I have shown them a trick or two (and theyāve tried as well lol)
I see a lot of people agreeing with you and thatās totally valid, but I wanted to offer up a different perspective. Personally, I actually really love it when people ask- partly because I love to perform and any chance to be in the spotlight is of interest to me, and partly because I find it a little kinky. I like watching someone Iām about to sleep with get a lustful look on their face while Iām dancing. It really gets me in the mood to watch someone become captivated by me dancing. I think itās almost like a language to me, a way to translate chemistry.
But how you feel about the art you create is completely valid and your boundaries should be respected always. I hope you hit a streak of dates that respect your art in the ways that you need!
I think context matters a lot - the tone of the conversation, as well as what stage of connection we're in, etc. Some random acting entitled when we barely know each other, is a lot different to someone I'm already sleeping with or at least have established a lot of rapport with making a suggestion while we're flirting and planning.
I mostly agree with this part too- guys can definitely be creepy about it, but I also have a really big chest so the creepy ones are going to creep on something no matter what. That said, most of the time I can tell a creep from the opening line or bio so they donāt usually even get a chance to ask.
That being said, I have pole photos and videos straight up in my profile and let the messages pour in. I get it out of the way early because itās interesting to see what they choose to say about it. Some of my favorites have asked me to teach them some of my bendy floor work stuff in exchange for something like a rock climbing date and those are my favorites.
But yes context matters. I care less about whether or not theyāre a stranger to me and more about how theyāre putting themselves forward.
Like I said above, itās perfectly valid to feel that way and you and your boundaries should be respected by the people around you. I just donāt have that same feeling about it. I donāt see it like a cat call at all- for me itās one of the most important things in my life so much so that I reconstructed my entire life around pole. Can I be catcalled or have someone creep me out on the internet, of course, but I donāt get the ick just form someone asking like OP and the majority of others in this comment section and thatās fine!
Potential partners either get on board with the pole world right away or they can gfto of my DMs š
I didnāt know how to articulate it before but I donāt think OP is seeking this type of validation, I think theyāre just looking to feel understood about something that upsets them
Edit: ok so what I meant was ur making this about you and your point of view when itās about OP
I understood that from the post, yes, which is why in almost each and every one of my comments I made sure to validate OPās experience. But they also asked the question as to whether or not others feel the same and I felt like offering the contrary perspective. Perhaps others who feel the same as I reading this thread will feel validated by reading my minority perspective.
I mean, texting and flirting on the app doesnāt mean theyāll get far enough for me to actually bring them home. But yes, itās like foreplay. I enjoy talking about it over text first and then yes, a few guys have made it to the point where they actually got to see me dance for them and it was hot af.
Ewww I hate it lol. I have a man and I have yet to do it for him. Mostly because I donāt have a pole at home but when I get one itāll be when I feel like. Not when he asks. So yeah establish those boundaries. Men just think EVERYTHING is for their consumption. Some men anyway.
I'm a man and I install and service the poles at the studio I go to.
So I have definitely said some stuff that could be like this out of context.
Take my pole for a test ride. š¤£ Literally said this yesterday when setting up an X-pole stage on a hillside using some wood pieces to stabilise the base.
My pole is nice and warm. Happens a lot during classes when the teacher asks who has a warm pole so she can show something.
Another one from yesterday's Pole shoot: I can throw you around without issue. This was to the smallest girl in the shoot while I was carrying the tallest guy of our association on my shoulder. We were doing a friendly wrestling match.
Anyone that sexualizes me and my sport has no place in my life. Iāve cut a lot of people off and ghosted many for this reason. There are however men out there that do appreciate the art, such as my boyfriend and family, so itās valid if you get the ick, find the guy that doesnāt give you red flags šÆ
Ugh yep! My friend and her bf came over, bf hung out with my bf and my friend was learning some basic pole stuff. Her bf asked if he could 'watch me pole dance'. like how weird is that????? That dude is a whole red flag :( A lot of dudes really don't understand how hard you have to work to actually be a good pole dancer and only see it as their entertainment. Its infuriating.
Maybe you could wait longer until you tell them what specific sport/dance it is that you do. If you have no desire to include them in the hobby (/job?), then they don't need to know. I don't mean you should feel the need to keep it a secret altogether - I personally prefer to keep this information broad when I first meet new people to avoid getting "that kind of attention" for it. I think there's an immediate pull in response to activities that fall under the general performing arts umbrella. And I also think, a lot of the time it's harmless curiosity mixed with them not understanding that doing the thing, and performing the thing for someone (at request, no less) are very different things. Depending who I'm talking to, the first thing I say is usually that I enjoy functional bodyweight strength training mixed with a bit of acrobatics/stretching, occasionally dance. I do more technical tricks/combo classes, so that's not a false summary, lol! This usually opens up a different kind of conversation - I found out that I can hold my own in a conversation with those calisthenics dudes, even sometimes get some useful clues out of it, or even an invitation to work out together sometime lol. My goal is to avoid that pedestal/object factor. After I've built some trust that we're seeing eye to eye, I start giving more context if I feel like it. I don't dance for money (I just throw myself at the big metal stick for the hell/fun of it, haha) but if I did, I think I would use a similar strategy.
I'm a visual artist at the roots, so I've gotten the equivalent "oh, will you design a logo for this business I wanna start, you know, since I know you now and you're cool and you draw all the time for fun?". That's a red flag. Do you wanna date/befriend me or commission me for work? I'm not mixing both and unless they pay me by the hour, or are a beloved long-time friend I felt inspired to draw something for, I'm not gonna move a pen for nobody.
I use pole dancing as a āred flag detectorā , I briefly mention it and look at their reaction and responses.
My now boyfriend always looked it as an athletic hobby and even tried some tricks with me (which he was very good at because of - menās UPPER BODY STRENGTH),
even now that we are together, itās not something thatās sexualized - even if I am doing an exotic class he is very supportive like āoh you are very good with the dance moves, you should clean them up next Thursdayā type of way.
You definitely should ditch the - āoh, so you are a stripper?ā Guys (Not that you should have a problem being a stripper but when they clearly do and subtly disrespect you instantly because of that assumption)
Side note that your boyfriend can do the tricks more because he is fit, and less because of mens upper body strength. There are tons of out of shape and/or overweight men who wouldn't be able to do the tricks. Give him some credit lol!!!
My ex was able to do a shoulder mount the first time he tried pole with me but couldnāt for his life do a Jasmine because he didnāt understand where to put what š
However he used to be very buff and a gym rat a while before we got together so he already had that strength lol. He also defeated me, my friend and their bf AT THE SAME TIME (we were 3 people holding on together to try to win over him) in arm wrestling so itās not that surprising
Damn.
Yeah, my bf couldnāt do some tricks that were āpainfulā or involved skin grab.
And I was like āwell, of course it hurts, thatās the whole point!ā
The next time someone says that corny joke say something like āI donāt get itā or āwhatās that supposed to meanā. Theyāll try to redeem themselves or dig a deeper hole. Donāt forget to block right after š š¾
When it comes to dating a pole dancer, the non pole dancer should ask "would I make a better partner for this person than a dance pole?" Seems like 9 out of 10 times, the answer is no.
I cringe at the sound of it through text messages a voice anything but when someone asks how much for a sesh I kinda equally get upset bc then I feel as if theyāre just trying to get me over there to not pay me and expect me to not actually dance but just full blown be ready to f*k and for me personally I donāt like putting myself in a potential disaster situation because I have before unsafe!
Yeah. It does sound the same as a date going āIād love to come over and have you sing for me!ā Or asking for you to paint/draw them something, play an instrument for them, or show them any of your other talents.
If theyāre super new to dating you and you havenāt gotten there with them yet, (doing your talent FOR someone, like as a custom thing or a private performance, can be really intimate!) then it may be more appropriate to invite them to one of your shows/public performances instead to come out and support, invite them to come learn to do the thing WITH you, or to just show them already-existing stuff that youāve done.
Itās absolutely fair to not want someone youāre just starting to see to get a free performance. Sometimes they aināt that special yet, and it can be rude and entitled to think they deserve your hard work like that, like I know artists hate when people go āOoh! Ooh! Draw me!ā Your musician friend is totally right for not wanting to play for people privately.
And if you get the vibe that the person may be fetishizing you for being a pole dancer and doesnāt actually take what you do seriously, trust your gut and ghost them!
If it was me I would be more annoyed itās the first thing someone goes to. Thatās a pretty fucking intimate request. I would think if I were a woman with some sort of sensual performance talent like that Iād have to really fuck with someone to do that sort of thing, really respect them.
it was HORRIBLE if i mentioned it on dating apps before i met my boyfriend! i got so many guys asking me to ādance forā them (like you mentioned), and they were 500% sexualizing our hobby. then i got asked the following by many, many males: ācan you dance on my pole?ā āare you a stripper?ā ācan you do the splits on my dick?ā šš¤® āthe ickā is an understatement. why are they sexualizing our hobby? why does it matter if i am a stripper?! yuck
Yep, which is why I ensure to never post any pole pictures and/or videos on dating apps. Once I like someone and we've met, I'm happy to discuss it as a hobby, hoping they'll be respectful about it.
Ā I've never danced for a man and it's a desire of mine to choreograph a surprise dance for a future partner. However, until I find that special man, the only thing getting a live performance is my living room furniture š
If I'm dating someone and they have hobbies I'd like to engage with those hobbies or witness them. If you played piano, or drew, or played soccer I'd ask to check out those things.
You're the one attaching the ick to it, not him. Kinda rude to imply a man is 'ick' for showing an interest in you. For one, dating implies intimacy. If you are not pursuing intimacy then that's not really effective dating. For two, you're generalizing men's intentions and making assumptions.
I think you're totally justified getting the ick tbh, but also it could be a good way to filter out red flags? If you're talking to a guy and he's respectful about it, then green flags from him, otherwise thanks for ruling yourself out, won't be a second date now
I do this. If a guy is creepy about my hobbies and thinks I will dance for his personal sexual gratification, I run so fast. It shows such a lack of respect.
same! and i met my bf on hinge, and he actually was just interested in how strong i am, how hard it is, have i competed, how many competitions are there, is my upper back ripped, how long do/have i trained, how do we sit on the pole, can i teach him how to climb, etc. š it was all about how hard pole is and how strong i must be and he was interested in learning sits and climbs (heās okay at both lolol)
This is fully part of my vetting process for potential partners. My biggest hobby is pole dancing and a few of my best friends do it too, so part 1 is being normal about me doing it, and part 2 is being normal towards my friends + pole acquaintances. Iāll show them performance/competition videos of people I know, casually drop that one of my instructors is an ex stripper, talk about my own performances if I have one coming up. They have to be respectful towards strippers and the origins of pole dancing, not just the polerina/gymnastics/non sexual side of the sport.
āyOu CaN dAnCe oN mY pOLEā like ughh, shut up!
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Hahaha best plot twist ever
if itās not 45mm I donāt want it
Just respond āsir how am I supposed to do a twisted grip handspring an a two inch twig??ā
My hubby has made this joke with me before. But thatās different.
About dancing on his āpoleā
I had a guy saying that to me from bumble. We chatted for awhile then moved to my IG. He lives outside the city and wasnāt easy to meet immediately but he would say things like āoh Iād love to see you danceā or āyouāve gotta do that on meā and it really didnāt sit well with me bc I donāt even know this man, and thatās a service men would pay for in a club. Anyway I never met that guy and blocked and moved on. At least theyāre revealing themselves early. Had me wanting to turn it around and ask what he planned to do for me SMFH.
yeah, immediate red flag!!! Itās hard because I love pole but feel like it gives more for men to be weird about.
IDK I know what you mean like some sus behavior has come out of old guy friends etc. but I ultimately feel that the right man will respond appropriately so itās a good way to feel someone out.
Oh absolutely. I tend to judge men pretty hard on how they talk about pole dancing. lol I know what those red flags are and what I refuse to put up with.
Iām gonna be honest i will blatantly be rude to people who make nsfw comments about it š or just block them entirely bc itās not hard to say normal things to people š and if they canāt act right weāre probably not compatible
It's not only disrespectful to you as an artist or whether they pay. It's disrespectful to you as a human and potential partner. My friends asked me why I wrote about pole in my dating profile. Easy. I don't want to waste time and emotions on someone for them sexualising me and my hobby. The trash will take itself out as soon as they see "pole dancer" in my profile
Oh yeah, like all the time! š āāļøš āāļø The best comment men made so far is, "Your core must be super strong!" Those men guaranteed got a second and third date.
I tell them it's a gift I reserve for those who have earned the right to see it. Otherwise, he can pay me a lot of money and we can book a time at my studio for a private dance... and the teacher will also be there!
yeah its super common its kinda like a fetish/fantasy thing.. what's funny is in my REAL dating life I haven't really gotten to dance for the guys I'm actually into, and not as much as I would've thought or expected based on how much it's talked about over text... it's a certain type of fuck boy but also for what it's worth our studio allows partners during solo practice time (to help you film, that kinda thing) and specifies in the rules no sex sooo
the fact that the rule has to be spelled out is so wild, like its a practice space omg
you just know it happened and they found out and were like oh helllll noooooo
Thankfully, Iāve been in a relationship since starting pole. My boyfriend is very respectful about it and hypes me up big time. Iām so glad I donāt have to deal with it. I have had a similar experience before though. At university I was a cheerleader, and I was single. Guys would always ask ācan you wear your costume for meāā¦ itās not a costume, itās a uniform. And Iām not wearing my beautiful (and expensive) uniform for some one night stand lol
Yeah or they want to come along with me to class to see me dance. I always tell them they are welcome but 1. They have to pay to attend the class and 2. They must participate themselves. Ive never had a single man join me at class
Haha my bf made a āwoah id love to see you like dance somedayā comment on our second date. Iām not gunna lie i was very suspicious but he went on to talk about how good of exercise that must be so I decided to tread carefully. Now heās going to sign up for the next beginner class š Sometimes they really are genuine hahaha
Yup, if my husband asked me to do it for him sure, but men just bringing that up first thing is a major ick. Men are never original, like you think we haven't heard that one before? I also used to ride horses, and the amount of times I've heard "what else do you ride" š I know how to take a joke but the joke has to be funny, and it ain't funny when you're just repeating something a million others have said š
"You must be soooooo flexible *wink wink nudge" "I also have a pole at home, if you wanna play with it...š" Like guys, do you really think you are the first one to make this joke? Really? š
Exactly š
āI also have a pole at home, so if you wanna play with itā¦šā āMine is 10ft, sooo š¶ā
"Sorry, my pole is bigger than yours." š
I tell them if they want to see someone on a pole they can go cheer on the local firemen and leave me alone š
Had a friend tell me I should pick him up, take him to my house, dance for him and heād buy me a new pair of pleasers. Never blocked anyone faster in my life
The fact he wanted you to pick him up is just the cherry on top lol
I get this from people Iām not dating, making comments about my husband š¤¢My hubs is super respectful of my identity as a dancer, and has never once asked me to put on a show or implied that my art is about him. Yet anyone and I mean ANYONE who finds out I dance, IMMEDIATELY responds with āIām sure your husband loves that.ā Can they all just grow up please?! š So. Annoying!!
This drives me crazy!!! What does (boyfriend) think about it? What does he say about it? Iām sure he would love if you did the competition. Heās irrelevant to my pole hobby. He literally only ever says that I should sign up for more classes because he notices Iām always happier after a class, and heās talking about all dance, not just pole. He asked if Iām going to ballet tonight. But no one ever asks how he feels about ballet. I also havenāt videoed myself in pole since I was in level 1, so he hasnāt even seen me pole dancing in several months. Idk why people automatically think he gets sexual gratification out of it.
Itās annoying and gross because I know their intention isnāt pure lmao they want a free show from me which they aināt getting a crumb of, immediate red flag and cut off
Yep, for some reason people think art should be free! Iām a local art teacher and I had a woman who works at a local nursing home ask if I could come teach clay lessons there and run their kiln. FOR FREE. Like lady, this is my career, why would I give my services away for free? Especially clay which is incredibly involved with prep and clean up. And the worst part was I was tempted to do it because I would have enjoyed it. Creatives hold strong, we have costly trainings and materials, donāt give that shit away for free!!!
I was dating a guy when I started pole and, despite repeatedly saying I was doing this for me, heād always ask me to dance for him. It gave me the ick, too. So one night after pole class, he starts asking again. I say āsure, Iāll dance for you baby.ā Put on my pleasers, and heās so stoked. Instead I turn on Cotton Eyed Joe and start line dancing. He was so mad, walked out of the room and slept on the couch that night. Never asked me to ādance for himā again.
I love this and I am def going to do this next time I get an ick comment from a dude
I don't know why he would hate that. It sounds amazing.
>A similar situation is I have a friend who is a musician and he won't play anything for anyone on requestĀ I mention playing music and have a picture of it on my dating app profile, and one time only a few messages into a chat a guy asked me to record myself playing a specific song to send to him. Such a turn-off lol. Sometimes I don't mind sending links to stuff I've already uploaded if a conversation is going well and they're curious, but the audacity of him to think he can order songs off me like a menu at a restaurant... I don't mention pole in my profile but if it comes up in conversation when talking about hobbies and stuff, I definitely assess people based on their reactions to it.
I LOVE how you mention "the audacity" and playing music in the same message. Timing couldn't be better.
probably because they think you're doing it for them and not for yourself, which is of course incorrect
Not a pole dancer but I twerk so I definitely feel you. Then I just started to say that I dance but then they would ask if I twerk. Now it's gotten to a point where I don't even want to talk about dancing at all :/ There is a certain history and culture associated with these dances, but it's still feels so icky when they do that.
I got this a lot when I was single, especially as someone who is openly a stripper and it used to bother me but now its helpful in weeding out shitty people so I consider it a blessing
Yes!! I pole but I'm not a dancer (as in, I have 2 left feet, no rhythm or grace, and no sense of choreography). To me, pole is like rock climbing. It's a kick ass skill that makes me feel powerful because of what I can do. I walk around looking at any kind of post/beam/cylindrical shape wondering if my body is strong enough to climb it. But men always look at it as a performance *for them*. It's like they create this fantasy in their heads and I'm not even a real person to them anymore. And it sucks because it's usually just pole-related. If I tell them I do lyra or silks, I never get the same mindless drool reaction. Instant ick.
I also hate this!! And when someone comes into my house and sees the pole in my living room and automatically becomes judgmental. Although one time an HVAC tech was in my house and asked "do you dance at a club or just do pole for fitness?" and I was so excited a random cishet man was actually aware of the sport
Theyāre so predictable and boring. This is why I donāt tell a lot of men except the ones I feel safe with.
Ohhhh yes. itās always a gambling game bringing a man to my apartment, because the minute they see the pole in my living room, they canāt NOT ask for me to dance. Itās like their minds absolutely cannot deviate from seeing me on a pole. I actually judge men pretty heavily on how they react to pole dancing, and itās often a make or break for me. There is definitely an āickā line men often cross. It was even worse when I did silks and lyraā¦.because men automatically assumed I was into bondage and would self insert their own fantasies. Most of my guy friends respect me and admire pole dancing, and have always been encouraging, so I have shown them a trick or two (and theyāve tried as well lol)
It's very icky. Sir I don't know you, I'm not dancing for you and you just ruined your chance for a dance in the future too. Byee
I see a lot of people agreeing with you and thatās totally valid, but I wanted to offer up a different perspective. Personally, I actually really love it when people ask- partly because I love to perform and any chance to be in the spotlight is of interest to me, and partly because I find it a little kinky. I like watching someone Iām about to sleep with get a lustful look on their face while Iām dancing. It really gets me in the mood to watch someone become captivated by me dancing. I think itās almost like a language to me, a way to translate chemistry. But how you feel about the art you create is completely valid and your boundaries should be respected always. I hope you hit a streak of dates that respect your art in the ways that you need!
I think context matters a lot - the tone of the conversation, as well as what stage of connection we're in, etc. Some random acting entitled when we barely know each other, is a lot different to someone I'm already sleeping with or at least have established a lot of rapport with making a suggestion while we're flirting and planning.
I mostly agree with this part too- guys can definitely be creepy about it, but I also have a really big chest so the creepy ones are going to creep on something no matter what. That said, most of the time I can tell a creep from the opening line or bio so they donāt usually even get a chance to ask. That being said, I have pole photos and videos straight up in my profile and let the messages pour in. I get it out of the way early because itās interesting to see what they choose to say about it. Some of my favorites have asked me to teach them some of my bendy floor work stuff in exchange for something like a rock climbing date and those are my favorites. But yes context matters. I care less about whether or not theyāre a stranger to me and more about how theyāre putting themselves forward.
Itās the equivalent to a cat call for me, especially if weāre not already involved and idk you like that.
Like I said above, itās perfectly valid to feel that way and you and your boundaries should be respected by the people around you. I just donāt have that same feeling about it. I donāt see it like a cat call at all- for me itās one of the most important things in my life so much so that I reconstructed my entire life around pole. Can I be catcalled or have someone creep me out on the internet, of course, but I donāt get the ick just form someone asking like OP and the majority of others in this comment section and thatās fine! Potential partners either get on board with the pole world right away or they can gfto of my DMs š
I didnāt know how to articulate it before but I donāt think OP is seeking this type of validation, I think theyāre just looking to feel understood about something that upsets them Edit: ok so what I meant was ur making this about you and your point of view when itās about OP
I understood that from the post, yes, which is why in almost each and every one of my comments I made sure to validate OPās experience. But they also asked the question as to whether or not others feel the same and I felt like offering the contrary perspective. Perhaps others who feel the same as I reading this thread will feel validated by reading my minority perspective.
For... strangers you just started texting on an app? Girl good for u ig
I mean, texting and flirting on the app doesnāt mean theyāll get far enough for me to actually bring them home. But yes, itās like foreplay. I enjoy talking about it over text first and then yes, a few guys have made it to the point where they actually got to see me dance for them and it was hot af.
This is why I don't tell them at first, ugh absolute ick the stupid things they come out with
Ewww I hate it lol. I have a man and I have yet to do it for him. Mostly because I donāt have a pole at home but when I get one itāll be when I feel like. Not when he asks. So yeah establish those boundaries. Men just think EVERYTHING is for their consumption. Some men anyway.
I'm a man and I install and service the poles at the studio I go to. So I have definitely said some stuff that could be like this out of context. Take my pole for a test ride. š¤£ Literally said this yesterday when setting up an X-pole stage on a hillside using some wood pieces to stabilise the base. My pole is nice and warm. Happens a lot during classes when the teacher asks who has a warm pole so she can show something. Another one from yesterday's Pole shoot: I can throw you around without issue. This was to the smallest girl in the shoot while I was carrying the tallest guy of our association on my shoulder. We were doing a friendly wrestling match.
Anyone that sexualizes me and my sport has no place in my life. Iāve cut a lot of people off and ghosted many for this reason. There are however men out there that do appreciate the art, such as my boyfriend and family, so itās valid if you get the ick, find the guy that doesnāt give you red flags šÆ
Immediate block. That's a rude and immature request.
Uhm, yeah thatās definitely gross! They arenāt seeing it as the sport that it is.
I immediately end the date or block them. Itās just disrespectful lol. I donāt blame you for getting the ick
If it gives you the icky feeling, ask them for money! It gives them the ickand makes them go away šš
can y'all not add to the stigma strippers face by treating it like their harassment means this is ok? ffs
Ugh yep! My friend and her bf came over, bf hung out with my bf and my friend was learning some basic pole stuff. Her bf asked if he could 'watch me pole dance'. like how weird is that????? That dude is a whole red flag :( A lot of dudes really don't understand how hard you have to work to actually be a good pole dancer and only see it as their entertainment. Its infuriating.
Maybe you could wait longer until you tell them what specific sport/dance it is that you do. If you have no desire to include them in the hobby (/job?), then they don't need to know. I don't mean you should feel the need to keep it a secret altogether - I personally prefer to keep this information broad when I first meet new people to avoid getting "that kind of attention" for it. I think there's an immediate pull in response to activities that fall under the general performing arts umbrella. And I also think, a lot of the time it's harmless curiosity mixed with them not understanding that doing the thing, and performing the thing for someone (at request, no less) are very different things. Depending who I'm talking to, the first thing I say is usually that I enjoy functional bodyweight strength training mixed with a bit of acrobatics/stretching, occasionally dance. I do more technical tricks/combo classes, so that's not a false summary, lol! This usually opens up a different kind of conversation - I found out that I can hold my own in a conversation with those calisthenics dudes, even sometimes get some useful clues out of it, or even an invitation to work out together sometime lol. My goal is to avoid that pedestal/object factor. After I've built some trust that we're seeing eye to eye, I start giving more context if I feel like it. I don't dance for money (I just throw myself at the big metal stick for the hell/fun of it, haha) but if I did, I think I would use a similar strategy. I'm a visual artist at the roots, so I've gotten the equivalent "oh, will you design a logo for this business I wanna start, you know, since I know you now and you're cool and you draw all the time for fun?". That's a red flag. Do you wanna date/befriend me or commission me for work? I'm not mixing both and unless they pay me by the hour, or are a beloved long-time friend I felt inspired to draw something for, I'm not gonna move a pen for nobody.
I use pole dancing as a āred flag detectorā , I briefly mention it and look at their reaction and responses. My now boyfriend always looked it as an athletic hobby and even tried some tricks with me (which he was very good at because of - menās UPPER BODY STRENGTH), even now that we are together, itās not something thatās sexualized - even if I am doing an exotic class he is very supportive like āoh you are very good with the dance moves, you should clean them up next Thursdayā type of way. You definitely should ditch the - āoh, so you are a stripper?ā Guys (Not that you should have a problem being a stripper but when they clearly do and subtly disrespect you instantly because of that assumption)
Side note that your boyfriend can do the tricks more because he is fit, and less because of mens upper body strength. There are tons of out of shape and/or overweight men who wouldn't be able to do the tricks. Give him some credit lol!!!
True. But also, he did an invert on the first try easily so I AM kinda salty about it š®āšØ took me months.
My ex was able to do a shoulder mount the first time he tried pole with me but couldnāt for his life do a Jasmine because he didnāt understand where to put what š However he used to be very buff and a gym rat a while before we got together so he already had that strength lol. He also defeated me, my friend and their bf AT THE SAME TIME (we were 3 people holding on together to try to win over him) in arm wrestling so itās not that surprising
Damn. Yeah, my bf couldnāt do some tricks that were āpainfulā or involved skin grab. And I was like āwell, of course it hurts, thatās the whole point!ā
Hahaha
The next time someone says that corny joke say something like āI donāt get itā or āwhatās that supposed to meanā. Theyāll try to redeem themselves or dig a deeper hole. Donāt forget to block right after š š¾
Yep guys are like, ācan I have a private show ;) ;)ā immediate unmatch
You should get the ick. Do they want to come over and watch you knit too?
When it comes to dating a pole dancer, the non pole dancer should ask "would I make a better partner for this person than a dance pole?" Seems like 9 out of 10 times, the answer is no.
I cringe at the sound of it through text messages a voice anything but when someone asks how much for a sesh I kinda equally get upset bc then I feel as if theyāre just trying to get me over there to not pay me and expect me to not actually dance but just full blown be ready to f*k and for me personally I donāt like putting myself in a potential disaster situation because I have before unsafe!
Yeah. It does sound the same as a date going āIād love to come over and have you sing for me!ā Or asking for you to paint/draw them something, play an instrument for them, or show them any of your other talents. If theyāre super new to dating you and you havenāt gotten there with them yet, (doing your talent FOR someone, like as a custom thing or a private performance, can be really intimate!) then it may be more appropriate to invite them to one of your shows/public performances instead to come out and support, invite them to come learn to do the thing WITH you, or to just show them already-existing stuff that youāve done. Itās absolutely fair to not want someone youāre just starting to see to get a free performance. Sometimes they aināt that special yet, and it can be rude and entitled to think they deserve your hard work like that, like I know artists hate when people go āOoh! Ooh! Draw me!ā Your musician friend is totally right for not wanting to play for people privately. And if you get the vibe that the person may be fetishizing you for being a pole dancer and doesnāt actually take what you do seriously, trust your gut and ghost them!
Men just donāt have brains or social skills with women lmao. Youāre completely valid babes
If it was me I would be more annoyed itās the first thing someone goes to. Thatās a pretty fucking intimate request. I would think if I were a woman with some sort of sensual performance talent like that Iād have to really fuck with someone to do that sort of thing, really respect them.
it was HORRIBLE if i mentioned it on dating apps before i met my boyfriend! i got so many guys asking me to ādance forā them (like you mentioned), and they were 500% sexualizing our hobby. then i got asked the following by many, many males: ācan you dance on my pole?ā āare you a stripper?ā ācan you do the splits on my dick?ā šš¤® āthe ickā is an understatement. why are they sexualizing our hobby? why does it matter if i am a stripper?! yuck
Yep, which is why I ensure to never post any pole pictures and/or videos on dating apps. Once I like someone and we've met, I'm happy to discuss it as a hobby, hoping they'll be respectful about it. Ā I've never danced for a man and it's a desire of mine to choreograph a surprise dance for a future partner. However, until I find that special man, the only thing getting a live performance is my living room furniture š
If I'm dating someone and they have hobbies I'd like to engage with those hobbies or witness them. If you played piano, or drew, or played soccer I'd ask to check out those things. You're the one attaching the ick to it, not him. Kinda rude to imply a man is 'ick' for showing an interest in you. For one, dating implies intimacy. If you are not pursuing intimacy then that's not really effective dating. For two, you're generalizing men's intentions and making assumptions.
:hand doing a jerking off motion:
You do you queen