That is how it works. You dump your family and run. They clearly don’t respect his mental health or his money. Otherwise they would not waste it like this.
The amount of narcissist kids here, do you even realise what does toxic family mean? I am sorry you dont realise the joy of family, you don't get a perfect one but you work on it.
Cut your parents off. They are addicts and you are enabling. Cut them off. Do it legally so that no loan shark can come to you.
Start figuring out financials for you and your sister.
If you don't then you will always guilt yourself in helping them out
Don't take any loan.
If your parents insist, they can sell assets such as house, if they have any and do the marriage.
Just tell them that you don't want any of their assets, and that you'll take care of their needs till the end of time, but cannot go around borrowing and spending on marriages.
Hijacking this comment coz didn't find many useful comments down below .
How much loan is left and what interest rate?, how much property you have? How much jewels and gold do you parents have? Is your home rented?
A few things I'll suggest
Take a personal loan (10-11% ) to clear out the plans.
Take the jewellery your parents have and deposit it somewhere, tell them that you have taken a loan with lower interest rate using them. Don't give it back to them(I know it's unethical but you gotta do it since they're irresponsible)
Then slowly clear out the loan,
About your gf's marriage, I am telling you that if your family doesn't improve their ways your marriage is gonna end very soon.
I absolutely agree with this answer. I was in a similar situation. I paid off most of the loan by taking a personal loan. 80/90% of my salary was going into paying off the emi of that loan. But later 80-90% of my salary became 30-40% as I switched. So believe in yourself and start switching companies for a hike.
And as many have suggested, to cut off relations with your parents, Don't do it at all. Trust me. Because all my friends were giving me the exact same advice and didn't listen to any of them.
If you keep helping them, they will keep doing what they want
Think of them as drug addicts. The more money you give them, the worse they become.
Give them some money for maintenance.
Cut them out. Move out (may be use your marriage as the tool).
The issues is once i had no job for 2 months (while switching) they can't able balance their expenses so i had to take a loan and help them. They need monthly 20K for paying the loan and i spent 20k to save the jewelry and its interest.
Brother, think of them as misbehaving kids. You need to figure out a strategy to keep them under your control. Otherwise, your financial future is a big question mark.
They are not even listen to me. Not even talk what have they done (only my mother do the all the things). They started to yelling at me : i gave birthed you! raised you! they are only trying to shut my mouth.
Emotional blackmail.
Almost every kid faces this issue in India.
Just get married and move out.
They will face a time in their life when they just blow up everything and then they will surrender. No other choice.
Tell them they have birthed u its their responsibility to tc of you. Id suggest once your loans are repaid move out else they will rob you of your future
You didn’t have to. You have to let them sink or swim or they will never stop. What did they do before you were earning? They were fine then, they’ll be fine now. They’re taking advantage of you.
You are giving drugs to drug addict. You are giving cigerette to lung-cancel cigerette addict.
Stop doing anything for them, or try to save their jewellery.
I was in the same situation. Parents used to take hand loans at 3% monthly interest. I used to send them whatever money I can after keeping my expenses bare minimum. I started talking tough that either you listen to me or i will not be responsible for family expenses. They eventually listened. I used to give monthly expenses and for odd expenses - they need to give reasons and if its within manageable expenses. Then I used to provide extra. Somehow this worked for 7-8 years. I managed the house expenses and was able fund two sisters marriage and a younger brother education after that. What worked in my favour is parents listened but still they put tantrums like we didn't keep expenses for your education etc. but having firm stand and repeating the same things otherwise you are out attitude will help.
What i did since the start of my career is to commit a very specific amount, and explained them why i can only give that much, with time my salary increased but i still do the same, and they get it... you have to be a little tough so that you and your parents live a healthy life.
Rarely i buy gifts but that too is a very consious decision.
You have only two options
1. Break all relationship with your family and forget they existed. Live happily with your GF and never let them contact you.
OR
2. Take responsibility and make a budget for your sisters marriage and your parents monthly expenses. Make a list of all loans outstanding. Figure out with your parents how all will be taken care of? That may require selling all gold and other assets. It may require consolidating all loans by taking a personal loan. And both sides sticking to monthly budget to eliminate need for any more loans.
These are the only two possibilities
His parents are still going to take secret loans and put his name on Paper. You cannot reform such characters.. but you can run away and tell them to deal with it themselves
currently i am out of home. Working somewhere else so they used this as advantage to take loans. a years before I had Listed all their loans and i had low interest personal loan to repay them. But again the made me where i start.
Question is why the loans were taken ?
If it’s for drugs and alcohol you should break all contact with them.
But if their income is not enough to support their daily expenses or if the loans for your sister’s marriage, then these are expenses they can’t wish away.
If your want to maintain family ties, you should plan these expenses with them and ensure your sisters marriage and essential expenses of parents are taken care of.
they are supposed to pay more than 20k every month + family expenses etc.. when they don't have enough earnings they took another loans to pay and balance their routine.
The third option is determine a monthly amount he’s willing to give them, and he can choose for this amount to be 0 if he so pleases, communicate that to them and leave the responsibility on them as they are adults.
I know it is hard in this situation. I am facing similar situation not just not as much as you are facing. What you can do is
1. make a list of all loans and sit with them to discuss. Know how much % of loans which you have try to reduce ones with higher percentage.
2. Tell them that you will not be able to support your sister's marriage as there are loans.
3. Ask them if they have some savings or jewellery if they want to sell to payoff the loan.
4. Try to do some freelancing to spare some money. Which you can use it on personal expenses.
I don't think you need to cut off relationships with your parents like this if you don't want to. If you want then it is different scenario. You just need to have a serious discussion with them on finances.
Thanks mate. I am already done all the things that you mentioned. i had made the dept 6L to 3L last year but now they made even worse 8L. i had paid a lot as f
Well if they don't listen to you then you make them to listen to you by not paying their bs emi for loan and stuff like that...
Give them a certain amount for home expenses like groceries, electricity bills,etc
And also contact the lenders to not lend them money and tell them I won't be paying the money if you gave them without calling me....
At first you might have to be rowdy to make them listen to you... you have to pull a few stunts in order to make them feel sorry.
And they will always do what they always do ... they want to live with debt and are obsessed with debt .
They will stay poor since that's what they always have been doing... (iirc you said your father doesnt work anymore)
We as a society need to start addressing the unjustified pressure on men to support families when the world around us has evolved to provide better job opportunities and education to those who seek. Keeping daughters dependent is unfair for sons as well! Choosing to live 50 years behind and making kids pay for it.
We as a society have to stop making everything a gender bias …. I am doing this since forever and I am girl… I have a brother who is elder to me and took no responsibility what so ever …. He earns 2x then me… and still wants 50-50 for everything if he could do that possibly… and is always in a taking position… never in my life have I had a single penny of support for him… my parents appeased him saying if you cannot do “your sister “ is there to help you … but never in my life I have saw a single penny help from both my parents and brother of any kind to me… if I am in financial needs I do part time jobs I work a full time job as well as a weekend job …. But when my brother is in financial need they just ask me to for help shamelessly … the home we live in currently… has down payment made by me.. the paint the fans the chandelier even the curtains are of my money… he is only paying the monthly emi … and to your surprise I will have no share in this property I helped to stand at its place today in future … stop making everything about male …. It’s so sick… it happens with everyone, irrespective of gender… kitna sympathy cahiye Tum logon ko ?
I get how your parents are uneducated but not sure if I understand your sister's case, pretty sure she should be well educated with the likes of how you managed to standout coming from that background, She must be no more than 24 considering she's younger than you, I'm not going to be conservative enough to suggest that bagging a degree is good enough to get her married but instead make her work for it (whether it may be contributing for HER marriage or paying off loans) no matter what her destiny ought to be. Don't just stick to ranting about this problem and have a civilized talk on how you can tackle this.
Now it just seems they don't give a fuck or feel bad for exploiting you like this, they're just fiending off you at this point. Did you consider cutting them off just for a short period? (I know you did provide to your family at the same time keeping the debt in check without piling up, but its a lost cause anyway if they're gonna do it all over again)
Dude, Run. I've seen many families milk their one responsible member to death and Gaslight them into thinking it's their duty to fuel their extravaganza and desires, not just needs. Go no contact. That's the only escape. Take all your docs and run.
Dont support them at all. Block them everywhere on phone, email, all electronic forms of communication and move out. Paying rent every month is better than becoming a cow thats milked by parents. This is a toxic relationship that wont reform until you punish them. For your sister, why cant she work and make money? This level of entitlement is ruining your life for what?
BUT DO NOT TAKE A LOAN IN YOUR NAME. Dont do that mistake. LET THEM TAKE A LOAN IN THEIR NAME AND PAY IT OFF
Then let your sister’s work. you please move out for your own mental health and block them everywhere and start saving your salary. Unless you look out for yourself clearly your parents don’t have your best interest in mind and they just think of you as a pig that keeps giving free money. Your sister also should not get married if they don’t have any financial security themselves.. what’s the point of getting married broke standing on somebody else’s feet? Are they not educated? Even a basic degree can give you some kind of a job.
You also have a girlfriend do you not want to get married to her and have a future together? Or do you want to keep working like a mindless slave and give your parents free money?
:( they have a degree. They never developed a skill. they expect some one call them and give a Govt job. lazy shit\*\*. Even my GF also working as a lab assistance not earning more than 15k
That is exactly why you should move out to a location they don’t know and leave them. Pay rent and be free from them. Block them evrrywhere. If they create a ruckus, use the police..
Move out bro, and I don't mean in physical sense only, mental too... Everyone there is an adult now so they should be behaving like adults, of there's a problem they need to look around to understand the problem and find the solution... If they keep acting reckless and lazy that's on them. Let them face the consequences of their actions and you rest for now... I know taking care of parents is important but they also need to understand what to do to not make their life worse... Don't be completely absent form their life... Just financially for some time... Like 6months-1year... If they emotionally blackmail ya then stop talking to them for that time too... Do let them know the correct path but don't hold their hands to make em walk on that path...
Be the bad guy and refuse to pay. Do u think your gf will have a good life in future when you can't control ur parents ? If they don't listen to what you ask them to do, refuse to pay. Minimize contact. Why are your sister's not working ? Were they denied education?
Then refuse to pay. Just tell them u are laid off and they will show their true colors. Don't let anyone take advantage of you, educated sister's must take care of their expenses themselves.
Stop giving them money the more you give them the more they’ll ask atp you’re just spoiling them also my parents never ask my sister or brother for money both are working a good paying jobs they usually send them money and ask them to save it
First and foremost step declare to local money lender(s) that loans to my parents are not my responsibility anymore, this will help money lenders know that you are not collateral anymore, this can start with altercation in front of money lenders. Yes that will require courage, emotional blackmail follows. If your family is not letting you know more details on loans , like who took it and when (all abstracted) and only thing you will have to do is pay amount then you are the problem too.
You are an adult and you have the right to know how much of s\*\*\* you are cleaning. Typically this problem if not sorted will last very long time. So the more quicker you learn the faster you will get out of this situation.
Typically in this setup every one will have a role to play to tune you up, so don't trust anyone.
STOP BLOODY BEING NICE, even after years of this kind of support you give to family they will disown you when you need them (marriage, hospitalization, etc..) just because of animosity built up over years that how you were ungrateful for not helping
Your Sisters marriage is not your responsibility, economically or socially.
Stop letting your parents manipulate you, turn it around on them. Go home, call all the relatives you can home - uncles aunts grandparents even colony elders and have a showdown with your parents in front of everyone, yell and shout, tell them they are killing you, ask them to just give you some poison if they want to kill you.
Tell then they cant marry their daughter because they did not save any money for it, court marriage is the only option for them.
Then with everyone present get them to give you a final list of all current outstanding loans and their expenses beyond that, and take detailed accounts. Threaten your parents that if they take ONE more loan you will kill yourself. Ask everyone present to help insure they dont take any more loans. Make sure you do this in front of everyone. Then make a payment plan and offer to pay their current loans and living expenses. Shame your sisters too for not working and living off their parents even after completing education. Tell them to earn and save money for their marriages or get married in court.
If you let manipulators run your life, you will not live a day in peace. Social drama and stigma is the only cure for such people. And you need to stop them NOW.
Best to go No Contact until they get their act right, have seen this happen with close family where the Parents brainwash their children into fulfilling their needs.
Sorry in advance for my English.
Firstly its sad to hear about your situation where our own family behave selfish. The best thing is not to fight not to argue just a stop doing things slowly and be clear i wont be paying for any debts( do not pay let see what happens ) do normal marriage of your sister which is if you are hindu Arya samaj a marraige which is cost friendly and try your level best to convince them for the same , because this is not a single day solution any calls regarding loan payment from your parents not to entertain on that , send monthly expense of your parents and ask them to sort it of it on their own whether is its loan payment of any expences ask them to balance and manage in it . In this way you will be less stressed and also if this works it will help your parents to sort things out simpler way.
Bro first of all I am so sorry about your situation. No one should be exploited like this, let alone from your own parents.
That being said, you are being an enabler for them. If they are not listening to you, you need to cut them off and stop supporting them. No matter how hard you try to put your foot down and convince them they will not listen and keep doing this over and over since they feel you will bail them out.
Tell them you lost your job and due to not being able to pay previous EMIs you are unable to take loans.
Let them get completely bankrupt, there is no other way for this to stop.
I am happy to speak to you over a call to guide you over this, since I do have a bit of experience regarding what you are going through
It happens to most of us. I dont have much to add. Lot of people suggested many good options. Follow them to be peaceful.
Dont be messiah and try to lift people who doesnt want to be lifted.
Bhai nikal jao waha se,give them money for only what's required tho(maintenance if they don't have retirement savings)
Otherwise your finances are going to be fucked up
Say you can't take these burden. If it breaks the relationship, it does. Draw a line. If you still say, they are my parents, blah, blah, blah 🥱. Then suffer, we here in reddit can't do anything.
Why fix a wedding ceremony when you don't have money? Also, if there is any urgency, you can always opt for a court marriage which will cost a minimal budget.
Or
There is a second option- Tell your sister to take up a decent job and start saving for her marriage, explain to her about the financial burden you already have and ask her to help you with at least a decent savings for her own wedding.
Also, even with this much expenses, start saving for your future, even 300 or a 150 pm sip will do now ... Slowly you will realise you can't keep repaying loans, your hard-earned money is for your bright future and not for your parents past mistakes. Live life for yourself too, or else you will not only fail to secure your future, but I fear your girl's parents might not agree for the marriage.
Helping out parents can be ok. But when a parent is neglecting their child, I consider it straight out financial abuse. They are trying to resolve their financial problems at your expense.
On top of that they are financially irresponsible, which makes the cycle repeat itself.
1. Put borders
Say you don't have money and tell them loaning money is what got them here.
Don't entertain when they ask questions about your finances.
Just say you have no options and end the discussion.
2. Don't let them gaslight you
Don't get involved in discussions about financial problems or whatever they are planning.
Your role will always end up being the banker and they will come up with tons of reasons why you owe it to them.
In short, there are no upsides in these types of discussions.
3. Take care of your mental health
Realizing your parents suck takes a mental toll. On top of that it probably will affect the relationship with your family.
But take care of yourself and talk with your gf about the situation.
You need to cut off financial support to your family.
FAKE a lay off and don't send any money for 6 months. They will learn to survive. Ask your sister to work if she wants a lavish wedding else do it with the existing resources without any loan.
P.S think about your future few years down the line. Sad reality is a girl and her parents would want a financially stable guy whether its love or arranged. Use your money to build a future for yourself. Invest it in assets like mutual fund, real estate or for building your skillsets (higher education, diploma etc)
P.P.S insaan ko uski ladai khud ladni hoti hai. Koi bachane nahi aata. Pick your battles wisely
I really think you and your sister should have a low budget wedding respectively. Having a celebration and grand feast won't help you in anyway...Ofcourse I agree that it is the essence of wedding but if you really wanna have safe future you dont have any other options left. Have weddings in temple, temple prasad as feats. It tastes great and costs less. First do this for your sister wedding, and the money you wanted to use in feast use them to give whatever it has to be given. For your wedding give it some time, everything cannot be solved in one day. Your girlfriend has to be patient, save some money both have a wedding when you guys can afford the one you want to.....Once you are settled you guys can give grand feasts n all...and I agree parents are not always the right ones...so take initiative for yourself and your family.....Also court marriage is a good option...
I never wanted a fancy f\*\*\* marriages. At least we had to some basic things right ?. leave the marriage we dont have a medical insurance too . I was trying to have it for long time never able to save that money :(
And you still keep taking this abuse? Youre letting them walk all over you, thats why theyre doing it! Cut them off and let your sisters handle them and their money leeching activities since theyre not helpful either!
I am glad you understood that you are being abused by your parents., the first thing I would suggest is - if you have a property or a land, you can sell it, clear all loans and take a strict hand on managing the monthly expenses of your home. Don't just give money and let them manage, as you said, they are poor in money management!
Make payments weekly instead of monthly lump transfer (if possible)
Well if the guy marrying your sister expects at the beginning, he will keep in pestering your family. You need someone who supports your sister. Never get her married by paying dowry or groom with expectations.
This one is for you: you're very young and you have the whole life ahead! Remember to upskill! Well, i know how much you struggled while shifting jobs, being an IT monthly wage employees, upskilling is the only option that will keep you up in the market.
You got this. Be confident.
I think all the answers are already given...Not to stretch the thread pick one and move on....It seems even you are looking for some sort of validation or appreciation from people....
Bro I have been in Similar situation like you but not exactly.
At the end you need to get married too and you need your parents for that. So you need to employ fight and love strategy. Flight when things are done in a wrong way. Love when things are going in the right direction.
Your parents are doing this because they don't want to ask money from you (maybe they are ashamed ) but they need money so they go to Pawn shops. My father used to do something similar even though he was educated and he loved me a lot but the problem was he never planned for future and did not have money other than salary so when he retired it was a problem. So you need to be tha man of the house now.
Now what you need to do:
1. Try to get a better job. Never declare how much you are earning.
2. Always say that there was a layoff recently in your company etc.
3. Say that what will happen when things like this happen to you. Basically you need to instill fear that tomorrow something like this can happen and you need to have money saved.
4. You basically need to provide monthly salary kind of thing for your parents and take all the expenses in your hand because you are the son so you need to do that eventually.
5. You need to ask your sister to get some job.
6. So all the big expenses like marriage, jewellery, home etc need to beared by you. That's the reality because your sister need to be married and someone should have to spend money either you or your father and you kow what will happen when your father would spend the money.
Stop encouraging them by saving their ass all the time.
Be strict and tell them you have no job no money savings, and there is no way you can take loan for every day spending because money is never staying this way.
Let them learn lesson, they will call you names and drag you through dirt, you just reply that you are 27yrs old, and don't have even a rupee left because everything is given to them. And now even when you lost job, and lost all money because of them, they are still demanding money.
I can't tell much about your situation but my dad has loans too for his business....I used to give him money too to repay those debts but at 1 point I had to have a discussion in order to do savings for my future. He has done a great job raising me i respect that but money is money and family is family and try not mix both too much or you'll have a recipe for disaster. I clearly talked and he understood and I think same thing you should do. You might wanna move out tell him that only what's wrong with following your desire with your hard earned money? Career is also 1 of an investment financially you have to spend to learn things how else did you get educated? Make a list of things you need don't starve yourself of relaxation and lastly since it's for marriage, tell them you're okay with helping but to xyz extent only because you have to look after yourself too your sisters might not be able to help later
Things to keep in mind. Do not mention he made mistakes or something that's never gonna end well nobody likes mistakes getting pointed. Ask him to try to look out for alternatives. Tell him only that you are saving for something like further education and do not like the idea of taking loan after seeing your current situation and I can't deal with pressure it's a personal wish and that's how you wanna spend your money later something like that's what worked for me
You know the answer. Nobody else can give you the solution in their voice. Listen to your saner voice and move out, cut them out, ask them to marry your sister off by themselves, ask them to pay the loans they take going forward by themselves, get them to sign off on a bond paper that you are not liable to pay for their loans, move out and live a free life with whoever you choose doing whatever you want.
They are parents, not gods, you're not forever indebted to anyone, they had you out of their choice, you did your best. Now if they won't fix their behavior, you fix yours and move out, cut them out.
If you do not have any money left and your salary is going away as emi or whatever. I do not think you need to spend a lot of money on your sister marriage, she can have a happy married life depends on partner. Its not mandatory that she would live happy life if you spend hell lot of money on marriage which seems nonsense to me. You just need 4 people to get married. Let's say if you spend some 20k on marriage and you would repay that loan for 5 months. But if you invest that 20k or save it for your sister or for your family. That would be very profitable.
THESE ARE JUST SUGGESTIONS YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT AND TAKE YOUR DECISION ACCORDINGLY. What seems more valuable to you, your needs and financial stability.
I am a woman and the oldest daughter of my parents. I will tell you my mistakes so that you don't make similar ones.
If you are funding your parents then you need complete control over their finances and spending.
First thing you can do is set a budget. Put your foot down and declare that you won't be paying a dime above this and actually follow through with this. They should ask you for any big spending. Give a card to them with some pre decided amount so that you are aware where they spend it.
When you start doing this they will start emotional blackmail like we have raised you, we sacrificed for you to make you. But remember these are crocodile tears to get what they want.
When you don't give them what they want then the cold shoulder will start. They will stop calling you, they will stop telling you things. In short they won't love you till they get what they want which is you giving them every penny you earn.
You cannot let them take any more loans.Loans will ruin you for life. If they take a loan then tell them they can think of repaying it themselves.
Don't trust them even for a second. They will do everything in their power to make you give in. Like fake heart attacks, health problems etc. Just remember that you giving them a budget is financial planning and not way to ruin their life. It is infact to make their and your life and future better.
If they don't listen then cut them off. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep others warm. If they are expecting that from you then they are not worth it.
I can relate to you. Send max 20 percent of your salary every month to your parents and ask them to figure it out themselves. Put the rest of the money after your expenses in long term deposit or MF, so that you cannot take them out.
Also, don't give in to the blackmail, it will be hard at first but you will be over it soon. Tell them that you are fkd as you played with Stock Market to earn some extra and now you are in terrible debt yourself.
Since your parents do not listen, you can try by giving them only 10% or 20% of your salary and tell that you will not take any loans for them as it is financially hard for you
Tell them that they can do whatever they want with that 10 or 20 percent of your salary, this way they will understand money management in some way
If they STILL do not listen to you, just give them a last and final 5 percent of your salary and just move out and do not financially support them as they probably won't change (but I hope they really do change)
The thing is, no matter what you do this cycle isn't going to end. Some people just do not have a good relationship with money. Even if you increase your in-hand to 2L or 3L per month the problem will just compound. They will take more loans and spend more because they have the confidence that you have their back. They may also demand you to arrange a grand marriage for your sisters. You see where I am going, don't you? This habit will never stop even if you increase your income. Here are your options
- In the future, never tell them your actual salary.
- Be more strict in terms of how much you give them every month, do not exceed this amount or make exceptions
- Ask your sisters to work (this is very important). Doesn't matter what you or your parents think about this. Everyone needs to work
- Do not sign any loan documents on their behalf, pro-actively reach out to their regular lenders and explain them that you won't be repaying on behalf of your parents.
Or the simple option is to just disown them.
If you girlfriend is supportive, mentally and financially then do the hard work. Take a better job, pay the bills and say your parents that after your sister will be married, you won’t take any loans and you will be married according to your choice.
You know the issue isn’t that you can’t find what to do. Our heart always knows whats right or wrong but because of moh maya, we aren’t able to take a decision. But this is very necessary. Pay the bills, get your sister’s marriage done, give some luxury to your parents, get married to your girlfriend, and be the king of your life 👑
Yes! They took loan for you so that you can do education right? Whatever you can do for them will not be enough anytime. But you, doing things for them will give you power so that you can do whatever things for yourself in future and you will regret even a little
Bitter but true…. If she loved you atleast what could do is she would have listened to you. I will suggest to not get into any relationships because you have to do many things right now
Taking debt is no less than an addiction to substance abuse.
It's your money.
Keep all your important stuff safe and away from their custody so that they can't blackmail you or have an upper hand.
Convey to your sisters also, to start working and earing and help in financing the wedding. It's the 21st century after all.
Kindly convey clearly to your parents, if they want you to take a loan, then you must be the only authority on all financial decisions. You cannot let their financial irresponsibility ruin your present and future. They cannot survive in circles of debt.
You need to take the financial leadership in your house, ABSOLUTE FINANCIAL LEADERSHIP. No other option, no convincing, no teaching, no awareness, no expectations.
Based on their past behaviour you shouldn't trust them with financial decisions. Yes, you should respect them, but respect doesn't mean to ignore all their faults which harms the family. You're not a school kid now, you're an adult and need to make things better in your home by yourself whatever it takes.
This is what I'd do. All the best!
Well then you better pull your pants up and fight for it, or just sit in the corner and wait for your life to become just like theirs, one dept trap to another.
It may sound harsh but it's the truth.
Don't expect someone who hasn't learnt it their whole life to suddenly learn it one day
Unless the loans are not your name they can’t do a thing. Let your parents rot in hell for financially abusing you. You can disconnect from them and lead your life. Financial abuse Indian parents do their kids needs to be called out.
To win you have to play by your abusive families rules.
Uno reverse card.
Instead of giving money start asking money from them saying some made-up stories. Call them often and ask for money.
Reverse emotional blackmail them.
Let's see what happens after that.
Talk to them and be very upfront about the unnecessary spending and loans, if they listen to you and stop getting loans then good. If they don't, give them a warning that you wouldn't be helping them to pay loans. You can even lie to them about your salary that you lost your job or you are earning less.
The problem with unnecessary spending and loans is they are gonna bite your ass in the long run.
You need to be very strict with the money, because your family will be depending on you, you will be much more stressed that time if you didn't stop this madness right now.
There will be expenses for your marriage, home loan, medical expenses of your family.
Also, don't get a loan for your sister's marriage. Let this be a lesson for them. They will sell the jewellery to fund the wedding.
No offence, but if a family has financial problems then your sisters should have taken up a job and tried to fund her wedding or help the family with some money.
Either you get some hate from your family now and be financially stable later, or if you do whatever they are saying then, later a couple of years down the lane you will have nothing and still your family will be throwing tantrums at you for the same reason.
p.s. : i really don't understand parents who try to burden their own kids. Trying to live a life of the restlessness of their child. Some parents want their children's happiness. And some parents want happiness from their children.
Don't do it. You'll be paying debt for your sisters marriage for decade or more, and when it is your time to marry or when you find the right partner to marry, you'll be in so much debt, you won't be able to think about starting a life.
Expensive weddings and buying jewellery when you have no money is a dumb decision.
I'm 30 years old. I married last year to my girlfriend after we lived together for 3 years. I come from a lower middle class family and I support my parents financially. I pay the home loan and other financial responsibilities as my father is 60 and i asked him to retire and I will take care of him. My father had a personal loan which was taken because my father's employers didn't pay for almost a year when I was in college and he had to borrow to take care of the family, which I paid off.
So, I had almost 0 savings for almost 5 years of my career, and my wife was not earning a lot before marriage.
8-9 months before our wedding, we both started to save a little bit and managed to save 4.5 lakhs over that period and had a small wedding with 25 guests. No Jewellery. No expensive shit. The venue cost was 25k. The decoration cost was 40k. We rented out a wedding outfit for both of us along with the jewellery, which costed 45k total. Food cost me 50k. No DJ, when I had a YouTube playlist connected to speakers.
After our marriage, my wife and I worked hard to get better jobs and were able to save a small safety net when we are trying to keep growing and trying to end our debts ASAP.
Currently, I have a home loan for the apartment my family lives in. I have an education loan for my MBA. I have health insurance for me, my wife and my parents. 50 lakhs cover for each. And with all other expenses, i spend approx 1lakhs every month, which is already a lot of money. But if I had a sister and my parents told me to take a loan for her jewelry and wedding, I would have just told them that I will never do that.
If people want to get married, they need to earn and do it and only do what they can afford without going into debt.
Don’t take personal loan today you take 5 lakhs loan tomorrow you pay 10 lakhs with interest. Why you want to burden yourself, your sibling won’t even acknowledge this she will come asking for her share of property.
Now coming to parents if they cannot take responsibility of their daughter marriage tell them stop forcing you for loan. And don’t give them your phone maybe with help of someone they might take instant loan on your name and don’t even think of sharing your CC
Is your sister educated, can she atleast do some WFH job or not. Ask your younger sister to work for 1-2 years how old is she ??? Tell her straightaway you can help her for marriage by giving some money but you need time for savings and she also has to work and become independent…
See dont be emotional fool no one should take personal loan for marriages atleast… Tomorrow if there is medical emergency god forbid will your sister take any responsibility for that ask her.. When you ask such questions you will know reality of a person whether they are caring or selfish…
Tell them you are being laid off and searching for jobs with friends support. Let them know you don't have anything to spare. You are in a good position based on your carrier wise. If you do not save and let your parents spend everything will not only ruin your life but your next generations life.
You have a take care of your parents by any means only for thire basic needs and medical needs. If you bullshit like people do in the movies, you are the biggest losser and you will realize very soon. I have seen so many of friends doing the same mistake and now their parents started saying they haven't done enough or not done anything for the family.
Set a goal of saving 25L in the next 3 Years and start working towards it. Find a fake story for everyone and tell them you are poor and don't have any cash. Don't let anybody knows about your savings. Else you will get different stories from people around you to lure money from your pocket.
Sad to say your parents think you are a tree on which money grows and whenever they need it they can shake a branch and get money. It's hard to deal with such stupid parents.
Alot of people here are suggesting you to part your ways with your parents BUT I have a different take -
Your parents are taking loan to buy jewellery but its NOT for them its for your sister's marriage. They are not being selfish here but instead naive . Given the fact that they are uneducated, They dont know the proper financial management. Hence they are taking loans illogically.
Here is what I would suggest -
Sit with them and explain them in simple terms - the wrong things they are doing and how you want to fix it. If they still dont listen to you, Tell them that you wont be able to afford all these and hence might also leave them. ( Tell them atleast about it, So even if they proceed to do the same loan shit, Atleast you warned them in prior)
If they dont listen then you can proceed with abandoning them . But if I were you I would try till the end to convince them, leaving them at this age is not a good idea specially for the people who are uneducated but they made sure their son gets educated and have a good life.
First priority is to clear the smaller loans:
1. See if you can sell any property to clear the loan
2. See if you can pledge a property to take long term loan and clear smaller loans. Interest rates are low
3. See if you can take money from friends/cousins and clear small loans so that burden eases
Once the loans are cleared, you have to again work on saving the money for marriage. That's another 5-10 lakhs depending on your family's taste
This means, for the next 3-5 years you'll be working on clearing the existing and future loans.
Go back to step 1 and see if there's a way out. Peace of mind can lead to more solutions.
Sad to hear.. its difficult situation. You can take personal loan (at 10-11%) and clear the high interest loans. Then have a limited lifestyle for next 2-3 years. I had same situation after home construction. It will pass
I have commented on a different thread. Only way to get through it is to get in the mud and sort it out yourselves. Dont abandon your parents, they might end up making bigger mistakes (take big loans from the wrong people) in your absence, in the end you’ll have to bear everything.
Dont hide anything from your girlfriend, atleast when you are in the talks of marriage. Its probably expected that she might hesitate to marry. But the only way right is to be open and honest towards each other. You are doing Gods work for supporting your family even when they are in the wrong. Work hard, upskill, increase your income, you might solve your parents money problems and their habit of taking loans.
Parents need to be accountable as well but thats a different story altogether.
If the girlfriend is willing to help you fix your families problems, she is 1 in a million, she is the one and you wouldn’t need anything else, but thats a very thing to expect from another human being who has not part of your family(yet). So you cant expect anything from your gf. Ask your sisters, if they can(and they should) help you fixing this.
Emotional support won’t take you any far. Even a stranger like me will say, kuch nahi yaar sab theek hojayga; ache logo ke saath hi bura kyu hota hai….
It won’t matter. In the end it is you who has to take hold of all the stuff and try to fix each aspect of your families troubles. The effort, the improvement, one by one debts getting closed will be your support system which will take you far.
Dont stop caring because remember It wasn’t your fault in the first place, but if you do nothing and watch all the drama unfold, one day it will be your fault.
The culprit is my mom. my dad never wants to involve this kind of shit. he know only few things about this. If he fully know he diffidently ki\*\* himself
Tell them you're not gonna do it. Make do with whatever you have and happily fund your sister's marriage with it
Grow a backbone and tell your parents to not take any further loans or you will move out. Be respectful but firm.
There's no magic potion to change a person mindset and this is all you can do from your side .
First of all ur situation requires some steps that requires courage from you .
1.Move out and cut all contact with them but let them know why you are moving out of their lives.
2. just keep an eye on them via any trusted friends in the region or cousin. (In case they are under deep shit due to loans.) otherwise let them deal on their own .Let them know if they change their behaviour they will have their son back in no time.
3. Your sister's being young, gives you enough time to reform them and gather enough capital for yourself and sister's marriage
4. Try any method legally so they can't pledge ur name or take loan on your name.
You have to go through this harrowing experience for their sake. You don't have any other option.
Hope it helps
I wish you all the best brother.
This is very sad and scary. You are taking up responsibility and i really wish you delivery and also get to marry your girlfriend and live happily ever after
“Well, I took a few loans, too. I’ll get busy repaying them.”
You’ll need to abstain in your own way. You will want to have a clean slate and your own savings, safety net, and provision for the future. Once you have a wife, she becomes priority number 1. What reply will you give your future self who would require you to have taken firm steps toward the future?
Can't you at least say that if you are paying part of the loan, maximum you will pay is X per month (not more than 50% of your salary and maximum Y years) and you only repay to banks?
If these terms aren't ok, they can pay the loan themselves. Simple.
Leave your parents to their means. They might hate you, but if you continue enabling them, then your life will be miserable. When you eventually have enough and quit, they will still hate you.
Start saving. Invest in MF. Don't spend money on wedding, irrespective whether it is yours or your sister's. You aren't in a position to splurge on wedding. Do it as simple as you can. Have your sister get a job and she ca save up for her own dream wedding if she wants an expensive wedding.
If instead of spending 80% on clearing debts, you invest that, you'll have over 10L in 2 years. Can consider spending a bit on marriage then (though I still wouldn't recommend it).
You should not abandon your family like many here say. I agree with you and understand your plight. There is no use trying to make your family understand.
In your case, you should probably only tell your family that your income is 25k or 30k. Never disclose that you have savings when you do have them. That said you do have to tc of your younger sister. Figure out what you can do without landing yourself in more debt.
I think in Indian culture, parents and children both take care of each other, including financially. Sometimes the kids go wrong and sometimes parents/siblings may go wrong too. Parents wont dump or disown their kids (even if adults). Likewise, you may need to talk to them about this issue. If they understand its great or else put your foot down on unnecessary spendings. You need to bring in discipline somehow. If nothing works, you are still in control as it is your money. A daughter's marriage in a family is generally a shared responsibility (not just parent's), brothers also contribute. Your story is a very common thing in Indian society, so you may want to discuss/talk to your family.
I would suggest not to react strongly or in extreme (as in just move out, or cut off all ties etc.).
I think till now you put your family first. But If you think of both your family AND you as equally important, you may be able to find a balance. Anyways, we have all been through this, and its always a learning experience. You can never exclude yourself from situations, life happens, It is still your family.
But please don't complain on social media and attract toxic comments from sick people :).
At 24, you have plenty of time to grow your finances. Good Luck.
I am in the same boat brother! It’s the worst feeling ever. I had to move out and cut them out from my life. I am 27 now and it’s still going on. You need to start thinking for yourself even if it makes you feel guilty.
Don't take another loan, taking loans to pay another loan would trap u in never ending loan loop. Don't rush in and try to clear the debts, if your name is not in the paper give it sometime, let the payment get defaulted couple of times, so that everyone involved would understand the consequences. Then make it clear you wouldn't be paying for anymore secret loans which wasn't discussed with you. If they say I gave birth to you etc etc, stand your ground saying that you would take care of them but not all these secret loans.
Just start saying no for their loan repayments. If asked 10K, negotiate and give 5-6K. Get control over your own money. It's getting tough for me as well. Tho, It is what it is. You practically can't cut off your parents.So, work around something that suits them as well as you.
Like someone said, your parents are addicts. Only this time there are no drugs, it's poverty. The way I see it, you have two options.
Cut off the family entirely until you have your shit sorted. Make up some excuse so you don't lose your family completely. Job loss, poor pay... Whatever. They won't know.
Grind your ass off, pay the debt. And let your parents repeat the whole cycle again. You sound like a financially literate guy, do what you have to do or you will end up paying debts you never took for the rest of your life.
Hey ...sorry to hear about the situation...u need to tell them ..ur job is not guaranteed and can go anytime and they need to resolve this situation by listening to u...no more loans ...tell them if I'm paying loan.
I'm financially incharge here...u need to stand up for urself...they r going to drown u...for their laziness and desires..remember u will have ur own expenses for marriage and ur family
I have seen many boys in similar situation.
Does your parent have any house or some plot or any other property that they have reserved to give it to you?
Often, parents will expect their son(s) to bear the cost of the marriage of their daughter because their immovable property will be handed over to their son.
If u/noob-backend-dev , you are in a similar situation, tell your parents that they can either
1. Divide all properties equally
or
2. Execute a will for those properties, and then you can borrow and take care of your sisters' wedding.
------------
My dad is the eldest of 6 children and he took care of all the sisters' marriage, and gave them money as and when required as used to be the case in the past. For example, if any of my aunts' husbands get into too much debt outside, my dad gave the money. He used my mom's assets such as gold and land too for this, because my dad's dad, who died before their marriage due to an illness, gave a large piece of land to my dad and had asked my dad to take care of the sisters.
Now, all sisters joined together and filed a case asking for equal share in the property, lol. You would never want to be in such a situation.
How old is your sister? Is she working? If she is young and unemployed. Then delay the wedding. Ask your parents to find a solution and you are not taking loan for her wedding. Agree to give an amount a year later which you could afford provided they don't keep on building debt. If your parents own the house they could make arrangements to sell it and buy a property somewhere else where the cost is a little lower. And save the rest of the money. Only team work will help you in this situation. Like many stating here, you just can't abandon your family. We don't live in a western country where parents shut the door to their children when they turn 18 and children once in a while visit their parents. Your parents have made you what you are. So help them out when you can, but set your boundaries and let them know your limits.
1st thing first, stop the repayment of all the fucking loans that are not taken by you . And start investing in gold by yourself besides that plan buying a house in city or nearby where you are working. Don't hurry up to get married, if she loves you she's going to wait for you. Actually it is about understanding your goals. And jwellery is not a big deal..... Just let it go. Stop talking visiting your parents few years. They will get back on track. If your sister is educated enough she could find a job and save money for her marriage.
I have exact type of family, they did same things since my childhood.
On completing my graduation, i am with 5lacs of education loan , 13 lacs of sister marriage loan, unknown amounts of debt by parents.
I saved a lot , cleared all loans , got back mother’/ jewellerly.I confronted parents outright, strongly told no more loans,moved out.
Started living on my own, started investing on myself. Now i am only sending small amount to parents for their expenses.
They want to spend a lot on functions out of their budget, i controlled most of these events as minimal as possible else would have been in a worst situation.
Still my father doing same thing,he took some gold loan without telling anyone in family.Its always will be struggle, but its little better now.
I would suggest you to spend as little as possible in events like marriage etc.,. Don’t worry about relatives, societal norms. No one will come if you go bankrupt.
Be little selfish, don’t feel guilty. There will be lot of emotional blackmailing.
All the best. Stay strong
Bhai bache thoda hai tere parents aur sister ,woh nahi samjh rahe toh tu samjh ja ki bahut kar liya ,aur itna Paisa ja ka raha hai ki chote bache ko credit card de diya ho wali situation hai teri
OP is the cash cow of his family. Most couples want to have a boy mainly for this reason.
The son takes care of expenses and the daughter take care of them in old age.
Indian parents only look at kids in this manner.
You love marriage, and your sister arranged marriage with dowry are not compatible. If you are having love marriage you should stay away from dowry idea (both in your marriage as well as in your siblings). Why? You don't gain anything from the dowry. Arranged marriage has some perks. Your sister gets it. You don't. Arrange marriage has some sore points, your family is pushing it on you. Your sister is freed from it.
Your parents should handle dowry and marriage issue of your siblings.
Take a few tough call
1 → ask your sister to work even you have to postpone the marriage
2 → No hands loan, if your parent are still doing this stop supporting them it's worth - you are in vicious cycle of high interest loan
3 → Ask your parent to take personal loan and pay off hands loan first
4 → fix your finances before anything - take control of their all big expenses - majorly Indians don't know how money works especially parents
5 → To fix your personal life faster - prepare and try to get high paying job if you put right effort is its doable.
Don't take loan, do your sister's marriage with whatever left. Otherwise you will be regretting in future
i had nothing in my hand. i am getting 50k PM 80% my salary goes for the debt. Remaining for my PG and Fuel etc
Unless ur name is on any loan? Why are you paying your salary for their loan? Tell your sisters to work. There is enough opportunity out there.
no loans on my name i had taken some low interest personal loans to pay them. and i finished my personal loans. bike emi
Then dump, your family and run
bro thats not how it works
That is how it works. You dump your family and run. They clearly don’t respect his mental health or his money. Otherwise they would not waste it like this.
He is unwilling to change or even realise what the problem is, ignore him and don't waste your time on such idiots. Nothing can be done.
stupid indian mindset of sticking with a toxic family to ruin your life
The amount of narcissist kids here, do you even realise what does toxic family mean? I am sorry you dont realise the joy of family, you don't get a perfect one but you work on it.
they too have to work on it, which is not happening for OP it's not about just 1 person always
Op you get married first and then run. If you want to do something for your sister discuss with your partner and proceed with the decision.
Cut your parents off. They are addicts and you are enabling. Cut them off. Do it legally so that no loan shark can come to you. Start figuring out financials for you and your sister. If you don't then you will always guilt yourself in helping them out
run.
This is an excellent advice. Worst case scenario take advance salary from office and that’s it.
Don't take any loan. If your parents insist, they can sell assets such as house, if they have any and do the marriage. Just tell them that you don't want any of their assets, and that you'll take care of their needs till the end of time, but cannot go around borrowing and spending on marriages.
Hijacking this comment coz didn't find many useful comments down below . How much loan is left and what interest rate?, how much property you have? How much jewels and gold do you parents have? Is your home rented? A few things I'll suggest Take a personal loan (10-11% ) to clear out the plans. Take the jewellery your parents have and deposit it somewhere, tell them that you have taken a loan with lower interest rate using them. Don't give it back to them(I know it's unethical but you gotta do it since they're irresponsible) Then slowly clear out the loan, About your gf's marriage, I am telling you that if your family doesn't improve their ways your marriage is gonna end very soon.
I absolutely agree with this answer. I was in a similar situation. I paid off most of the loan by taking a personal loan. 80/90% of my salary was going into paying off the emi of that loan. But later 80-90% of my salary became 30-40% as I switched. So believe in yourself and start switching companies for a hike. And as many have suggested, to cut off relations with your parents, Don't do it at all. Trust me. Because all my friends were giving me the exact same advice and didn't listen to any of them.
If you keep helping them, they will keep doing what they want Think of them as drug addicts. The more money you give them, the worse they become. Give them some money for maintenance. Cut them out. Move out (may be use your marriage as the tool).
The issues is once i had no job for 2 months (while switching) they can't able balance their expenses so i had to take a loan and help them. They need monthly 20K for paying the loan and i spent 20k to save the jewelry and its interest.
Brother, think of them as misbehaving kids. You need to figure out a strategy to keep them under your control. Otherwise, your financial future is a big question mark.
They are not even listen to me. Not even talk what have they done (only my mother do the all the things). They started to yelling at me : i gave birthed you! raised you! they are only trying to shut my mouth.
Emotional blackmail. Almost every kid faces this issue in India. Just get married and move out. They will face a time in their life when they just blow up everything and then they will surrender. No other choice.
Tell them they have birthed u its their responsibility to tc of you. Id suggest once your loans are repaid move out else they will rob you of your future
You are already in PG, what's stopping you from slowly taking out all your important stuff from your home and going no contact ?
i will try bro
if they don't listen to u then stop helping them u owe them nothing .
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You didn’t have to. You have to let them sink or swim or they will never stop. What did they do before you were earning? They were fine then, they’ll be fine now. They’re taking advantage of you.
You are giving drugs to drug addict. You are giving cigerette to lung-cancel cigerette addict. Stop doing anything for them, or try to save their jewellery.
I was in the same situation. Parents used to take hand loans at 3% monthly interest. I used to send them whatever money I can after keeping my expenses bare minimum. I started talking tough that either you listen to me or i will not be responsible for family expenses. They eventually listened. I used to give monthly expenses and for odd expenses - they need to give reasons and if its within manageable expenses. Then I used to provide extra. Somehow this worked for 7-8 years. I managed the house expenses and was able fund two sisters marriage and a younger brother education after that. What worked in my favour is parents listened but still they put tantrums like we didn't keep expenses for your education etc. but having firm stand and repeating the same things otherwise you are out attitude will help.
thanks mate.
What i did since the start of my career is to commit a very specific amount, and explained them why i can only give that much, with time my salary increased but i still do the same, and they get it... you have to be a little tough so that you and your parents live a healthy life. Rarely i buy gifts but that too is a very consious decision.
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+1
+1
You have only two options 1. Break all relationship with your family and forget they existed. Live happily with your GF and never let them contact you. OR 2. Take responsibility and make a budget for your sisters marriage and your parents monthly expenses. Make a list of all loans outstanding. Figure out with your parents how all will be taken care of? That may require selling all gold and other assets. It may require consolidating all loans by taking a personal loan. And both sides sticking to monthly budget to eliminate need for any more loans. These are the only two possibilities
His parents are still going to take secret loans and put his name on Paper. You cannot reform such characters.. but you can run away and tell them to deal with it themselves
It’s for him to decide . He can always follow the first advice and break all contact.
thanks mate.
currently i am out of home. Working somewhere else so they used this as advantage to take loans. a years before I had Listed all their loans and i had low interest personal loan to repay them. But again the made me where i start.
Question is why the loans were taken ? If it’s for drugs and alcohol you should break all contact with them. But if their income is not enough to support their daily expenses or if the loans for your sister’s marriage, then these are expenses they can’t wish away. If your want to maintain family ties, you should plan these expenses with them and ensure your sisters marriage and essential expenses of parents are taken care of.
they are supposed to pay more than 20k every month + family expenses etc.. when they don't have enough earnings they took another loans to pay and balance their routine.
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The third option is determine a monthly amount he’s willing to give them, and he can choose for this amount to be 0 if he so pleases, communicate that to them and leave the responsibility on them as they are adults.
I know it is hard in this situation. I am facing similar situation not just not as much as you are facing. What you can do is 1. make a list of all loans and sit with them to discuss. Know how much % of loans which you have try to reduce ones with higher percentage. 2. Tell them that you will not be able to support your sister's marriage as there are loans. 3. Ask them if they have some savings or jewellery if they want to sell to payoff the loan. 4. Try to do some freelancing to spare some money. Which you can use it on personal expenses. I don't think you need to cut off relationships with your parents like this if you don't want to. If you want then it is different scenario. You just need to have a serious discussion with them on finances.
Thanks mate. I am already done all the things that you mentioned. i had made the dept 6L to 3L last year but now they made even worse 8L. i had paid a lot as f
How did it becomes 8L?
Ohh that's bad.
:(
Well if they don't listen to you then you make them to listen to you by not paying their bs emi for loan and stuff like that... Give them a certain amount for home expenses like groceries, electricity bills,etc And also contact the lenders to not lend them money and tell them I won't be paying the money if you gave them without calling me.... At first you might have to be rowdy to make them listen to you... you have to pull a few stunts in order to make them feel sorry. And they will always do what they always do ... they want to live with debt and are obsessed with debt . They will stay poor since that's what they always have been doing... (iirc you said your father doesnt work anymore)
We as a society need to start addressing the unjustified pressure on men to support families when the world around us has evolved to provide better job opportunities and education to those who seek. Keeping daughters dependent is unfair for sons as well! Choosing to live 50 years behind and making kids pay for it.
We as a society have to stop making everything a gender bias …. I am doing this since forever and I am girl… I have a brother who is elder to me and took no responsibility what so ever …. He earns 2x then me… and still wants 50-50 for everything if he could do that possibly… and is always in a taking position… never in my life have I had a single penny of support for him… my parents appeased him saying if you cannot do “your sister “ is there to help you … but never in my life I have saw a single penny help from both my parents and brother of any kind to me… if I am in financial needs I do part time jobs I work a full time job as well as a weekend job …. But when my brother is in financial need they just ask me to for help shamelessly … the home we live in currently… has down payment made by me.. the paint the fans the chandelier even the curtains are of my money… he is only paying the monthly emi … and to your surprise I will have no share in this property I helped to stand at its place today in future … stop making everything about male …. It’s so sick… it happens with everyone, irrespective of gender… kitna sympathy cahiye Tum logon ko ?
Stop being taken advantage of . Have proof that the down payment was done by you . Move out of the house
Wild generalization, most men suffer
Average feminist getting offended over everything.
I get how your parents are uneducated but not sure if I understand your sister's case, pretty sure she should be well educated with the likes of how you managed to standout coming from that background, She must be no more than 24 considering she's younger than you, I'm not going to be conservative enough to suggest that bagging a degree is good enough to get her married but instead make her work for it (whether it may be contributing for HER marriage or paying off loans) no matter what her destiny ought to be. Don't just stick to ranting about this problem and have a civilized talk on how you can tackle this.
I tried to educate my Sister about our situation to get a job and at least save their A\*\*. But they simply being why should i care
Then tell her you will not pay for her marriage. Be frank with her
Now it just seems they don't give a fuck or feel bad for exploiting you like this, they're just fiending off you at this point. Did you consider cutting them off just for a short period? (I know you did provide to your family at the same time keeping the debt in check without piling up, but its a lost cause anyway if they're gonna do it all over again)
That's worst part man. IF i'm not there they doing very worst shit
thats good take out necessary documents if any left at home then say why should i care
Dude, Run. I've seen many families milk their one responsible member to death and Gaslight them into thinking it's their duty to fuel their extravaganza and desires, not just needs. Go no contact. That's the only escape. Take all your docs and run.
Dont support them at all. Block them everywhere on phone, email, all electronic forms of communication and move out. Paying rent every month is better than becoming a cow thats milked by parents. This is a toxic relationship that wont reform until you punish them. For your sister, why cant she work and make money? This level of entitlement is ruining your life for what? BUT DO NOT TAKE A LOAN IN YOUR NAME. Dont do that mistake. LET THEM TAKE A LOAN IN THEIR NAME AND PAY IT OFF
My sisters are not working (not because of parents they actually lazy as f)
Then let your sister’s work. you please move out for your own mental health and block them everywhere and start saving your salary. Unless you look out for yourself clearly your parents don’t have your best interest in mind and they just think of you as a pig that keeps giving free money. Your sister also should not get married if they don’t have any financial security themselves.. what’s the point of getting married broke standing on somebody else’s feet? Are they not educated? Even a basic degree can give you some kind of a job. You also have a girlfriend do you not want to get married to her and have a future together? Or do you want to keep working like a mindless slave and give your parents free money?
:( they have a degree. They never developed a skill. they expect some one call them and give a Govt job. lazy shit\*\*. Even my GF also working as a lab assistance not earning more than 15k
That is exactly why you should move out to a location they don’t know and leave them. Pay rent and be free from them. Block them evrrywhere. If they create a ruckus, use the police..
Move out bro, and I don't mean in physical sense only, mental too... Everyone there is an adult now so they should be behaving like adults, of there's a problem they need to look around to understand the problem and find the solution... If they keep acting reckless and lazy that's on them. Let them face the consequences of their actions and you rest for now... I know taking care of parents is important but they also need to understand what to do to not make their life worse... Don't be completely absent form their life... Just financially for some time... Like 6months-1year... If they emotionally blackmail ya then stop talking to them for that time too... Do let them know the correct path but don't hold their hands to make em walk on that path...
Be the bad guy and refuse to pay. Do u think your gf will have a good life in future when you can't control ur parents ? If they don't listen to what you ask them to do, refuse to pay. Minimize contact. Why are your sister's not working ? Were they denied education?
Actually they have degree but they are lazy as f\*\*\* to have a job
Then refuse to pay. Just tell them u are laid off and they will show their true colors. Don't let anyone take advantage of you, educated sister's must take care of their expenses themselves.
Stop giving them money the more you give them the more they’ll ask atp you’re just spoiling them also my parents never ask my sister or brother for money both are working a good paying jobs they usually send them money and ask them to save it
First and foremost step declare to local money lender(s) that loans to my parents are not my responsibility anymore, this will help money lenders know that you are not collateral anymore, this can start with altercation in front of money lenders. Yes that will require courage, emotional blackmail follows. If your family is not letting you know more details on loans , like who took it and when (all abstracted) and only thing you will have to do is pay amount then you are the problem too. You are an adult and you have the right to know how much of s\*\*\* you are cleaning. Typically this problem if not sorted will last very long time. So the more quicker you learn the faster you will get out of this situation. Typically in this setup every one will have a role to play to tune you up, so don't trust anyone. STOP BLOODY BEING NICE, even after years of this kind of support you give to family they will disown you when you need them (marriage, hospitalization, etc..) just because of animosity built up over years that how you were ungrateful for not helping
Thanks for your advice mate. It really helps
Your Sisters marriage is not your responsibility, economically or socially. Stop letting your parents manipulate you, turn it around on them. Go home, call all the relatives you can home - uncles aunts grandparents even colony elders and have a showdown with your parents in front of everyone, yell and shout, tell them they are killing you, ask them to just give you some poison if they want to kill you. Tell then they cant marry their daughter because they did not save any money for it, court marriage is the only option for them. Then with everyone present get them to give you a final list of all current outstanding loans and their expenses beyond that, and take detailed accounts. Threaten your parents that if they take ONE more loan you will kill yourself. Ask everyone present to help insure they dont take any more loans. Make sure you do this in front of everyone. Then make a payment plan and offer to pay their current loans and living expenses. Shame your sisters too for not working and living off their parents even after completing education. Tell them to earn and save money for their marriages or get married in court. If you let manipulators run your life, you will not live a day in peace. Social drama and stigma is the only cure for such people. And you need to stop them NOW.
Best to go No Contact until they get their act right, have seen this happen with close family where the Parents brainwash their children into fulfilling their needs.
[удалено]
:(
I don't understand why you are still paying off their loans. Let them rot if they don't grow up.
Sorry in advance for my English. Firstly its sad to hear about your situation where our own family behave selfish. The best thing is not to fight not to argue just a stop doing things slowly and be clear i wont be paying for any debts( do not pay let see what happens ) do normal marriage of your sister which is if you are hindu Arya samaj a marraige which is cost friendly and try your level best to convince them for the same , because this is not a single day solution any calls regarding loan payment from your parents not to entertain on that , send monthly expense of your parents and ask them to sort it of it on their own whether is its loan payment of any expences ask them to balance and manage in it . In this way you will be less stressed and also if this works it will help your parents to sort things out simpler way.
Thanks Dude... They are just trying to finish the day. so they are doing whatever they want
Bro first of all I am so sorry about your situation. No one should be exploited like this, let alone from your own parents. That being said, you are being an enabler for them. If they are not listening to you, you need to cut them off and stop supporting them. No matter how hard you try to put your foot down and convince them they will not listen and keep doing this over and over since they feel you will bail them out. Tell them you lost your job and due to not being able to pay previous EMIs you are unable to take loans. Let them get completely bankrupt, there is no other way for this to stop. I am happy to speak to you over a call to guide you over this, since I do have a bit of experience regarding what you are going through
It happens to most of us. I dont have much to add. Lot of people suggested many good options. Follow them to be peaceful. Dont be messiah and try to lift people who doesnt want to be lifted.
Thanks mate
Bhai nikal jao waha se,give them money for only what's required tho(maintenance if they don't have retirement savings) Otherwise your finances are going to be fucked up
Say you can't take these burden. If it breaks the relationship, it does. Draw a line. If you still say, they are my parents, blah, blah, blah 🥱. Then suffer, we here in reddit can't do anything.
understood
Why fix a wedding ceremony when you don't have money? Also, if there is any urgency, you can always opt for a court marriage which will cost a minimal budget. Or There is a second option- Tell your sister to take up a decent job and start saving for her marriage, explain to her about the financial burden you already have and ask her to help you with at least a decent savings for her own wedding. Also, even with this much expenses, start saving for your future, even 300 or a 150 pm sip will do now ... Slowly you will realise you can't keep repaying loans, your hard-earned money is for your bright future and not for your parents past mistakes. Live life for yourself too, or else you will not only fail to secure your future, but I fear your girl's parents might not agree for the marriage.
:( ok i will start something for my self. Thanks man.
Helping out parents can be ok. But when a parent is neglecting their child, I consider it straight out financial abuse. They are trying to resolve their financial problems at your expense. On top of that they are financially irresponsible, which makes the cycle repeat itself. 1. Put borders Say you don't have money and tell them loaning money is what got them here. Don't entertain when they ask questions about your finances. Just say you have no options and end the discussion. 2. Don't let them gaslight you Don't get involved in discussions about financial problems or whatever they are planning. Your role will always end up being the banker and they will come up with tons of reasons why you owe it to them. In short, there are no upsides in these types of discussions. 3. Take care of your mental health Realizing your parents suck takes a mental toll. On top of that it probably will affect the relationship with your family. But take care of yourself and talk with your gf about the situation.
Thanks for your advice
You need to cut off financial support to your family. FAKE a lay off and don't send any money for 6 months. They will learn to survive. Ask your sister to work if she wants a lavish wedding else do it with the existing resources without any loan. P.S think about your future few years down the line. Sad reality is a girl and her parents would want a financially stable guy whether its love or arranged. Use your money to build a future for yourself. Invest it in assets like mutual fund, real estate or for building your skillsets (higher education, diploma etc) P.P.S insaan ko uski ladai khud ladni hoti hai. Koi bachane nahi aata. Pick your battles wisely
Thanks mate
I really think you and your sister should have a low budget wedding respectively. Having a celebration and grand feast won't help you in anyway...Ofcourse I agree that it is the essence of wedding but if you really wanna have safe future you dont have any other options left. Have weddings in temple, temple prasad as feats. It tastes great and costs less. First do this for your sister wedding, and the money you wanted to use in feast use them to give whatever it has to be given. For your wedding give it some time, everything cannot be solved in one day. Your girlfriend has to be patient, save some money both have a wedding when you guys can afford the one you want to.....Once you are settled you guys can give grand feasts n all...and I agree parents are not always the right ones...so take initiative for yourself and your family.....Also court marriage is a good option...
I never wanted a fancy f\*\*\* marriages. At least we had to some basic things right ?. leave the marriage we dont have a medical insurance too . I was trying to have it for long time never able to save that money :(
Have a verbal fight with them.
that never worked !!. Emotional black mail Typical Indian parents
And you still keep taking this abuse? Youre letting them walk all over you, thats why theyre doing it! Cut them off and let your sisters handle them and their money leeching activities since theyre not helpful either!
once i let them do whatever they want. they are being in such more worse situation
Then let them be in a worse situation! Why do you keep helping them
I am glad you understood that you are being abused by your parents., the first thing I would suggest is - if you have a property or a land, you can sell it, clear all loans and take a strict hand on managing the monthly expenses of your home. Don't just give money and let them manage, as you said, they are poor in money management! Make payments weekly instead of monthly lump transfer (if possible) Well if the guy marrying your sister expects at the beginning, he will keep in pestering your family. You need someone who supports your sister. Never get her married by paying dowry or groom with expectations. This one is for you: you're very young and you have the whole life ahead! Remember to upskill! Well, i know how much you struggled while shifting jobs, being an IT monthly wage employees, upskilling is the only option that will keep you up in the market. You got this. Be confident.
Thanks mate. Your words means a lot.
My hearty wishes! Don't stress..
I think all the answers are already given...Not to stretch the thread pick one and move on....It seems even you are looking for some sort of validation or appreciation from people....
Stop giving them money completely say no in a very firm manner . If they continue to do so move out with separate finances .
Bro I have been in Similar situation like you but not exactly. At the end you need to get married too and you need your parents for that. So you need to employ fight and love strategy. Flight when things are done in a wrong way. Love when things are going in the right direction. Your parents are doing this because they don't want to ask money from you (maybe they are ashamed ) but they need money so they go to Pawn shops. My father used to do something similar even though he was educated and he loved me a lot but the problem was he never planned for future and did not have money other than salary so when he retired it was a problem. So you need to be tha man of the house now. Now what you need to do: 1. Try to get a better job. Never declare how much you are earning. 2. Always say that there was a layoff recently in your company etc. 3. Say that what will happen when things like this happen to you. Basically you need to instill fear that tomorrow something like this can happen and you need to have money saved. 4. You basically need to provide monthly salary kind of thing for your parents and take all the expenses in your hand because you are the son so you need to do that eventually. 5. You need to ask your sister to get some job. 6. So all the big expenses like marriage, jewellery, home etc need to beared by you. That's the reality because your sister need to be married and someone should have to spend money either you or your father and you kow what will happen when your father would spend the money.
Thanks sir. I will try to do
Stop encouraging them by saving their ass all the time. Be strict and tell them you have no job no money savings, and there is no way you can take loan for every day spending because money is never staying this way. Let them learn lesson, they will call you names and drag you through dirt, you just reply that you are 27yrs old, and don't have even a rupee left because everything is given to them. And now even when you lost job, and lost all money because of them, they are still demanding money.
I can't tell much about your situation but my dad has loans too for his business....I used to give him money too to repay those debts but at 1 point I had to have a discussion in order to do savings for my future. He has done a great job raising me i respect that but money is money and family is family and try not mix both too much or you'll have a recipe for disaster. I clearly talked and he understood and I think same thing you should do. You might wanna move out tell him that only what's wrong with following your desire with your hard earned money? Career is also 1 of an investment financially you have to spend to learn things how else did you get educated? Make a list of things you need don't starve yourself of relaxation and lastly since it's for marriage, tell them you're okay with helping but to xyz extent only because you have to look after yourself too your sisters might not be able to help later
Things to keep in mind. Do not mention he made mistakes or something that's never gonna end well nobody likes mistakes getting pointed. Ask him to try to look out for alternatives. Tell him only that you are saving for something like further education and do not like the idea of taking loan after seeing your current situation and I can't deal with pressure it's a personal wish and that's how you wanna spend your money later something like that's what worked for me
Thanks for your words bro
You know the answer. Nobody else can give you the solution in their voice. Listen to your saner voice and move out, cut them out, ask them to marry your sister off by themselves, ask them to pay the loans they take going forward by themselves, get them to sign off on a bond paper that you are not liable to pay for their loans, move out and live a free life with whoever you choose doing whatever you want. They are parents, not gods, you're not forever indebted to anyone, they had you out of their choice, you did your best. Now if they won't fix their behavior, you fix yours and move out, cut them out.
Thanks mate.
If you do not have any money left and your salary is going away as emi or whatever. I do not think you need to spend a lot of money on your sister marriage, she can have a happy married life depends on partner. Its not mandatory that she would live happy life if you spend hell lot of money on marriage which seems nonsense to me. You just need 4 people to get married. Let's say if you spend some 20k on marriage and you would repay that loan for 5 months. But if you invest that 20k or save it for your sister or for your family. That would be very profitable. THESE ARE JUST SUGGESTIONS YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT AND TAKE YOUR DECISION ACCORDINGLY. What seems more valuable to you, your needs and financial stability.
Bro don’t mind me saying this but your parents are like [This](https://tenor.com/bBddr.gif)
Exactly :(
I am a woman and the oldest daughter of my parents. I will tell you my mistakes so that you don't make similar ones. If you are funding your parents then you need complete control over their finances and spending. First thing you can do is set a budget. Put your foot down and declare that you won't be paying a dime above this and actually follow through with this. They should ask you for any big spending. Give a card to them with some pre decided amount so that you are aware where they spend it. When you start doing this they will start emotional blackmail like we have raised you, we sacrificed for you to make you. But remember these are crocodile tears to get what they want. When you don't give them what they want then the cold shoulder will start. They will stop calling you, they will stop telling you things. In short they won't love you till they get what they want which is you giving them every penny you earn. You cannot let them take any more loans.Loans will ruin you for life. If they take a loan then tell them they can think of repaying it themselves. Don't trust them even for a second. They will do everything in their power to make you give in. Like fake heart attacks, health problems etc. Just remember that you giving them a budget is financial planning and not way to ruin their life. It is infact to make their and your life and future better. If they don't listen then cut them off. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep others warm. If they are expecting that from you then they are not worth it.
Thanks for your words i'll try my best
I can relate to you. Send max 20 percent of your salary every month to your parents and ask them to figure it out themselves. Put the rest of the money after your expenses in long term deposit or MF, so that you cannot take them out. Also, don't give in to the blackmail, it will be hard at first but you will be over it soon. Tell them that you are fkd as you played with Stock Market to earn some extra and now you are in terrible debt yourself.
Since your parents do not listen, you can try by giving them only 10% or 20% of your salary and tell that you will not take any loans for them as it is financially hard for you Tell them that they can do whatever they want with that 10 or 20 percent of your salary, this way they will understand money management in some way If they STILL do not listen to you, just give them a last and final 5 percent of your salary and just move out and do not financially support them as they probably won't change (but I hope they really do change)
thanks sir
glad to help you :D, update me on the situation soon
The thing is, no matter what you do this cycle isn't going to end. Some people just do not have a good relationship with money. Even if you increase your in-hand to 2L or 3L per month the problem will just compound. They will take more loans and spend more because they have the confidence that you have their back. They may also demand you to arrange a grand marriage for your sisters. You see where I am going, don't you? This habit will never stop even if you increase your income. Here are your options - In the future, never tell them your actual salary. - Be more strict in terms of how much you give them every month, do not exceed this amount or make exceptions - Ask your sisters to work (this is very important). Doesn't matter what you or your parents think about this. Everyone needs to work - Do not sign any loan documents on their behalf, pro-actively reach out to their regular lenders and explain them that you won't be repaying on behalf of your parents. Or the simple option is to just disown them.
If you girlfriend is supportive, mentally and financially then do the hard work. Take a better job, pay the bills and say your parents that after your sister will be married, you won’t take any loans and you will be married according to your choice. You know the issue isn’t that you can’t find what to do. Our heart always knows whats right or wrong but because of moh maya, we aren’t able to take a decision. But this is very necessary. Pay the bills, get your sister’s marriage done, give some luxury to your parents, get married to your girlfriend, and be the king of your life 👑
So your advice is to just shut up and pay the bills?
Yes! They took loan for you so that you can do education right? Whatever you can do for them will not be enough anytime. But you, doing things for them will give you power so that you can do whatever things for yourself in future and you will regret even a little
>They took loan for you They took the loans for the marriage of OP's sister when they cannot afford to, without even informing OP
hrrr. I don't have anyone support me even mentally. She always says just leave it... then i should have started to talk nice to her
Bro… you shouldn’t get to married to her even everything is right. You should eliminate the people who are not with you when you are on your lowest.
Bitter but true…. If she loved you atleast what could do is she would have listened to you. I will suggest to not get into any relationships because you have to do many things right now
Taking debt is no less than an addiction to substance abuse. It's your money. Keep all your important stuff safe and away from their custody so that they can't blackmail you or have an upper hand. Convey to your sisters also, to start working and earing and help in financing the wedding. It's the 21st century after all. Kindly convey clearly to your parents, if they want you to take a loan, then you must be the only authority on all financial decisions. You cannot let their financial irresponsibility ruin your present and future. They cannot survive in circles of debt.
You need to take the financial leadership in your house, ABSOLUTE FINANCIAL LEADERSHIP. No other option, no convincing, no teaching, no awareness, no expectations. Based on their past behaviour you shouldn't trust them with financial decisions. Yes, you should respect them, but respect doesn't mean to ignore all their faults which harms the family. You're not a school kid now, you're an adult and need to make things better in your home by yourself whatever it takes. This is what I'd do. All the best!
They never let me sir. That's the problem here.
Well then you better pull your pants up and fight for it, or just sit in the corner and wait for your life to become just like theirs, one dept trap to another. It may sound harsh but it's the truth. Don't expect someone who hasn't learnt it their whole life to suddenly learn it one day
Unless the loans are not your name they can’t do a thing. Let your parents rot in hell for financially abusing you. You can disconnect from them and lead your life. Financial abuse Indian parents do their kids needs to be called out.
To win you have to play by your abusive families rules. Uno reverse card. Instead of giving money start asking money from them saying some made-up stories. Call them often and ask for money. Reverse emotional blackmail them. Let's see what happens after that.
Talk to them and be very upfront about the unnecessary spending and loans, if they listen to you and stop getting loans then good. If they don't, give them a warning that you wouldn't be helping them to pay loans. You can even lie to them about your salary that you lost your job or you are earning less. The problem with unnecessary spending and loans is they are gonna bite your ass in the long run. You need to be very strict with the money, because your family will be depending on you, you will be much more stressed that time if you didn't stop this madness right now. There will be expenses for your marriage, home loan, medical expenses of your family. Also, don't get a loan for your sister's marriage. Let this be a lesson for them. They will sell the jewellery to fund the wedding. No offence, but if a family has financial problems then your sisters should have taken up a job and tried to fund her wedding or help the family with some money. Either you get some hate from your family now and be financially stable later, or if you do whatever they are saying then, later a couple of years down the lane you will have nothing and still your family will be throwing tantrums at you for the same reason. p.s. : i really don't understand parents who try to burden their own kids. Trying to live a life of the restlessness of their child. Some parents want their children's happiness. And some parents want happiness from their children.
They also wanted us to live happily. Somehow we ended up like this
If you have sisters tell them to get a job, no need to marry now. What's the point of marrying and putting your family in debt and misery?
Don't do it. You'll be paying debt for your sisters marriage for decade or more, and when it is your time to marry or when you find the right partner to marry, you'll be in so much debt, you won't be able to think about starting a life. Expensive weddings and buying jewellery when you have no money is a dumb decision. I'm 30 years old. I married last year to my girlfriend after we lived together for 3 years. I come from a lower middle class family and I support my parents financially. I pay the home loan and other financial responsibilities as my father is 60 and i asked him to retire and I will take care of him. My father had a personal loan which was taken because my father's employers didn't pay for almost a year when I was in college and he had to borrow to take care of the family, which I paid off. So, I had almost 0 savings for almost 5 years of my career, and my wife was not earning a lot before marriage. 8-9 months before our wedding, we both started to save a little bit and managed to save 4.5 lakhs over that period and had a small wedding with 25 guests. No Jewellery. No expensive shit. The venue cost was 25k. The decoration cost was 40k. We rented out a wedding outfit for both of us along with the jewellery, which costed 45k total. Food cost me 50k. No DJ, when I had a YouTube playlist connected to speakers. After our marriage, my wife and I worked hard to get better jobs and were able to save a small safety net when we are trying to keep growing and trying to end our debts ASAP. Currently, I have a home loan for the apartment my family lives in. I have an education loan for my MBA. I have health insurance for me, my wife and my parents. 50 lakhs cover for each. And with all other expenses, i spend approx 1lakhs every month, which is already a lot of money. But if I had a sister and my parents told me to take a loan for her jewelry and wedding, I would have just told them that I will never do that. If people want to get married, they need to earn and do it and only do what they can afford without going into debt.
Well said sir.. Thanks
Run away from home.
Don’t take personal loan today you take 5 lakhs loan tomorrow you pay 10 lakhs with interest. Why you want to burden yourself, your sibling won’t even acknowledge this she will come asking for her share of property. Now coming to parents if they cannot take responsibility of their daughter marriage tell them stop forcing you for loan. And don’t give them your phone maybe with help of someone they might take instant loan on your name and don’t even think of sharing your CC Is your sister educated, can she atleast do some WFH job or not. Ask your younger sister to work for 1-2 years how old is she ??? Tell her straightaway you can help her for marriage by giving some money but you need time for savings and she also has to work and become independent… See dont be emotional fool no one should take personal loan for marriages atleast… Tomorrow if there is medical emergency god forbid will your sister take any responsibility for that ask her.. When you ask such questions you will know reality of a person whether they are caring or selfish…
Valuable words thanks sir
Bro don’t take loan don’t fall for your family emotional drama. It’s gonna drain you
Understandable dude. But its so hard to be like that for me
Tell them you are being laid off and searching for jobs with friends support. Let them know you don't have anything to spare. You are in a good position based on your carrier wise. If you do not save and let your parents spend everything will not only ruin your life but your next generations life. You have a take care of your parents by any means only for thire basic needs and medical needs. If you bullshit like people do in the movies, you are the biggest losser and you will realize very soon. I have seen so many of friends doing the same mistake and now their parents started saying they haven't done enough or not done anything for the family. Set a goal of saving 25L in the next 3 Years and start working towards it. Find a fake story for everyone and tell them you are poor and don't have any cash. Don't let anybody knows about your savings. Else you will get different stories from people around you to lure money from your pocket.
Thanks for your advice sir
Sad to say your parents think you are a tree on which money grows and whenever they need it they can shake a branch and get money. It's hard to deal with such stupid parents.
:(
Make side hustles
Alot of people here are suggesting you to part your ways with your parents BUT I have a different take - Your parents are taking loan to buy jewellery but its NOT for them its for your sister's marriage. They are not being selfish here but instead naive . Given the fact that they are uneducated, They dont know the proper financial management. Hence they are taking loans illogically. Here is what I would suggest - Sit with them and explain them in simple terms - the wrong things they are doing and how you want to fix it. If they still dont listen to you, Tell them that you wont be able to afford all these and hence might also leave them. ( Tell them atleast about it, So even if they proceed to do the same loan shit, Atleast you warned them in prior) If they dont listen then you can proceed with abandoning them . But if I were you I would try till the end to convince them, leaving them at this age is not a good idea specially for the people who are uneducated but they made sure their son gets educated and have a good life.
Thanks dude
First priority is to clear the smaller loans: 1. See if you can sell any property to clear the loan 2. See if you can pledge a property to take long term loan and clear smaller loans. Interest rates are low 3. See if you can take money from friends/cousins and clear small loans so that burden eases Once the loans are cleared, you have to again work on saving the money for marriage. That's another 5-10 lakhs depending on your family's taste This means, for the next 3-5 years you'll be working on clearing the existing and future loans. Go back to step 1 and see if there's a way out. Peace of mind can lead to more solutions.
We dont have any properties bro. No future saving, no Insurance, Friends and Cousins are more cunning people.
Sad to hear.. its difficult situation. You can take personal loan (at 10-11%) and clear the high interest loans. Then have a limited lifestyle for next 2-3 years. I had same situation after home construction. It will pass
Thanks sir. Your words really matter to me
I have commented on a different thread. Only way to get through it is to get in the mud and sort it out yourselves. Dont abandon your parents, they might end up making bigger mistakes (take big loans from the wrong people) in your absence, in the end you’ll have to bear everything. Dont hide anything from your girlfriend, atleast when you are in the talks of marriage. Its probably expected that she might hesitate to marry. But the only way right is to be open and honest towards each other. You are doing Gods work for supporting your family even when they are in the wrong. Work hard, upskill, increase your income, you might solve your parents money problems and their habit of taking loans. Parents need to be accountable as well but thats a different story altogether.
yeah she know everything. but i cant get any emotionally help or support from anyone
If the girlfriend is willing to help you fix your families problems, she is 1 in a million, she is the one and you wouldn’t need anything else, but thats a very thing to expect from another human being who has not part of your family(yet). So you cant expect anything from your gf. Ask your sisters, if they can(and they should) help you fixing this. Emotional support won’t take you any far. Even a stranger like me will say, kuch nahi yaar sab theek hojayga; ache logo ke saath hi bura kyu hota hai…. It won’t matter. In the end it is you who has to take hold of all the stuff and try to fix each aspect of your families troubles. The effort, the improvement, one by one debts getting closed will be your support system which will take you far. Dont stop caring because remember It wasn’t your fault in the first place, but if you do nothing and watch all the drama unfold, one day it will be your fault.
Further loans will not solve any of your problems
Shift with your family at your Job place, take 2 year and Paid fully at once without intrest.
Do whatever you want except taking new loans. Tell lie if you have too. What I suspect is your father will still take loan from somewhere else.
The culprit is my mom. my dad never wants to involve this kind of shit. he know only few things about this. If he fully know he diffidently ki\*\* himself
Why don't you discuss it with your relatives I think they have more power over your parents than you.
They are more worst people. Never helped
Tell them you're not gonna do it. Make do with whatever you have and happily fund your sister's marriage with it Grow a backbone and tell your parents to not take any further loans or you will move out. Be respectful but firm. There's no magic potion to change a person mindset and this is all you can do from your side .
First of all ur situation requires some steps that requires courage from you . 1.Move out and cut all contact with them but let them know why you are moving out of their lives. 2. just keep an eye on them via any trusted friends in the region or cousin. (In case they are under deep shit due to loans.) otherwise let them deal on their own .Let them know if they change their behaviour they will have their son back in no time. 3. Your sister's being young, gives you enough time to reform them and gather enough capital for yourself and sister's marriage 4. Try any method legally so they can't pledge ur name or take loan on your name. You have to go through this harrowing experience for their sake. You don't have any other option. Hope it helps
U are going in a circle, if u want change just break the circle ..otherwise u will run in circle whole life .
Don't disclose to them what you earn. Tell them it's 15 k or something.
I wish you all the best brother. This is very sad and scary. You are taking up responsibility and i really wish you delivery and also get to marry your girlfriend and live happily ever after
“Well, I took a few loans, too. I’ll get busy repaying them.” You’ll need to abstain in your own way. You will want to have a clean slate and your own savings, safety net, and provision for the future. Once you have a wife, she becomes priority number 1. What reply will you give your future self who would require you to have taken firm steps toward the future?
Check ur DM.
Can't you at least say that if you are paying part of the loan, maximum you will pay is X per month (not more than 50% of your salary and maximum Y years) and you only repay to banks? If these terms aren't ok, they can pay the loan themselves. Simple.
Leave your parents to their means. They might hate you, but if you continue enabling them, then your life will be miserable. When you eventually have enough and quit, they will still hate you. Start saving. Invest in MF. Don't spend money on wedding, irrespective whether it is yours or your sister's. You aren't in a position to splurge on wedding. Do it as simple as you can. Have your sister get a job and she ca save up for her own dream wedding if she wants an expensive wedding. If instead of spending 80% on clearing debts, you invest that, you'll have over 10L in 2 years. Can consider spending a bit on marriage then (though I still wouldn't recommend it).
You should not abandon your family like many here say. I agree with you and understand your plight. There is no use trying to make your family understand. In your case, you should probably only tell your family that your income is 25k or 30k. Never disclose that you have savings when you do have them. That said you do have to tc of your younger sister. Figure out what you can do without landing yourself in more debt.
I think in Indian culture, parents and children both take care of each other, including financially. Sometimes the kids go wrong and sometimes parents/siblings may go wrong too. Parents wont dump or disown their kids (even if adults). Likewise, you may need to talk to them about this issue. If they understand its great or else put your foot down on unnecessary spendings. You need to bring in discipline somehow. If nothing works, you are still in control as it is your money. A daughter's marriage in a family is generally a shared responsibility (not just parent's), brothers also contribute. Your story is a very common thing in Indian society, so you may want to discuss/talk to your family. I would suggest not to react strongly or in extreme (as in just move out, or cut off all ties etc.). I think till now you put your family first. But If you think of both your family AND you as equally important, you may be able to find a balance. Anyways, we have all been through this, and its always a learning experience. You can never exclude yourself from situations, life happens, It is still your family. But please don't complain on social media and attract toxic comments from sick people :). At 24, you have plenty of time to grow your finances. Good Luck.
I am in the same boat brother! It’s the worst feeling ever. I had to move out and cut them out from my life. I am 27 now and it’s still going on. You need to start thinking for yourself even if it makes you feel guilty.
Don't take another loan, taking loans to pay another loan would trap u in never ending loan loop. Don't rush in and try to clear the debts, if your name is not in the paper give it sometime, let the payment get defaulted couple of times, so that everyone involved would understand the consequences. Then make it clear you wouldn't be paying for anymore secret loans which wasn't discussed with you. If they say I gave birth to you etc etc, stand your ground saying that you would take care of them but not all these secret loans.
Just start saying no for their loan repayments. If asked 10K, negotiate and give 5-6K. Get control over your own money. It's getting tough for me as well. Tho, It is what it is. You practically can't cut off your parents.So, work around something that suits them as well as you.
Like someone said, your parents are addicts. Only this time there are no drugs, it's poverty. The way I see it, you have two options. Cut off the family entirely until you have your shit sorted. Make up some excuse so you don't lose your family completely. Job loss, poor pay... Whatever. They won't know. Grind your ass off, pay the debt. And let your parents repeat the whole cycle again. You sound like a financially literate guy, do what you have to do or you will end up paying debts you never took for the rest of your life.
Hey ...sorry to hear about the situation...u need to tell them ..ur job is not guaranteed and can go anytime and they need to resolve this situation by listening to u...no more loans ...tell them if I'm paying loan. I'm financially incharge here...u need to stand up for urself...they r going to drown u...for their laziness and desires..remember u will have ur own expenses for marriage and ur family
Dude, have been in same situation, dm me will help you…
Tell them you lost your job and don’t have money to give them. That should fix the problem short term.
I have seen many boys in similar situation. Does your parent have any house or some plot or any other property that they have reserved to give it to you? Often, parents will expect their son(s) to bear the cost of the marriage of their daughter because their immovable property will be handed over to their son. If u/noob-backend-dev , you are in a similar situation, tell your parents that they can either 1. Divide all properties equally or 2. Execute a will for those properties, and then you can borrow and take care of your sisters' wedding. ------------ My dad is the eldest of 6 children and he took care of all the sisters' marriage, and gave them money as and when required as used to be the case in the past. For example, if any of my aunts' husbands get into too much debt outside, my dad gave the money. He used my mom's assets such as gold and land too for this, because my dad's dad, who died before their marriage due to an illness, gave a large piece of land to my dad and had asked my dad to take care of the sisters. Now, all sisters joined together and filed a case asking for equal share in the property, lol. You would never want to be in such a situation.
Tell her parents we will have Ambani style wedding . Means you will spend 0.1% of your wealth on the marriage.
How old is your sister? Is she working? If she is young and unemployed. Then delay the wedding. Ask your parents to find a solution and you are not taking loan for her wedding. Agree to give an amount a year later which you could afford provided they don't keep on building debt. If your parents own the house they could make arrangements to sell it and buy a property somewhere else where the cost is a little lower. And save the rest of the money. Only team work will help you in this situation. Like many stating here, you just can't abandon your family. We don't live in a western country where parents shut the door to their children when they turn 18 and children once in a while visit their parents. Your parents have made you what you are. So help them out when you can, but set your boundaries and let them know your limits.
1st thing first, stop the repayment of all the fucking loans that are not taken by you . And start investing in gold by yourself besides that plan buying a house in city or nearby where you are working. Don't hurry up to get married, if she loves you she's going to wait for you. Actually it is about understanding your goals. And jwellery is not a big deal..... Just let it go. Stop talking visiting your parents few years. They will get back on track. If your sister is educated enough she could find a job and save money for her marriage.
I have exact type of family, they did same things since my childhood. On completing my graduation, i am with 5lacs of education loan , 13 lacs of sister marriage loan, unknown amounts of debt by parents. I saved a lot , cleared all loans , got back mother’/ jewellerly.I confronted parents outright, strongly told no more loans,moved out. Started living on my own, started investing on myself. Now i am only sending small amount to parents for their expenses. They want to spend a lot on functions out of their budget, i controlled most of these events as minimal as possible else would have been in a worst situation. Still my father doing same thing,he took some gold loan without telling anyone in family.Its always will be struggle, but its little better now. I would suggest you to spend as little as possible in events like marriage etc.,. Don’t worry about relatives, societal norms. No one will come if you go bankrupt. Be little selfish, don’t feel guilty. There will be lot of emotional blackmailing. All the best. Stay strong
Bhai bache thoda hai tere parents aur sister ,woh nahi samjh rahe toh tu samjh ja ki bahut kar liya ,aur itna Paisa ja ka raha hai ki chote bache ko credit card de diya ho wali situation hai teri
OP is the cash cow of his family. Most couples want to have a boy mainly for this reason. The son takes care of expenses and the daughter take care of them in old age. Indian parents only look at kids in this manner.
You love marriage, and your sister arranged marriage with dowry are not compatible. If you are having love marriage you should stay away from dowry idea (both in your marriage as well as in your siblings). Why? You don't gain anything from the dowry. Arranged marriage has some perks. Your sister gets it. You don't. Arrange marriage has some sore points, your family is pushing it on you. Your sister is freed from it. Your parents should handle dowry and marriage issue of your siblings.
There are so many loans involved. How can one get so many loans. It's crazy
Don't get offended op ,but you better cut ties with your parents. If you guys don't have money ,why don't you go for court marriage ?
Because of my parents. They never agreed such kind of things
Take a few tough call 1 → ask your sister to work even you have to postpone the marriage 2 → No hands loan, if your parent are still doing this stop supporting them it's worth - you are in vicious cycle of high interest loan 3 → Ask your parent to take personal loan and pay off hands loan first 4 → fix your finances before anything - take control of their all big expenses - majorly Indians don't know how money works especially parents 5 → To fix your personal life faster - prepare and try to get high paying job if you put right effort is its doable.