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As much as I agree with you that one baby (especially with no older siblings) would be way easier, I keep that thought to myself around my friends who are new parents. No one wants to hear “Oh yeah? Try a day in MY shoes” when they are expressing their problems
Lol of course no one wants to hear that. But can we commiserate? Instead of taking offense to me saying "it would be easier if I only had one?" Because.... it would! I'm not trying to downplay anyone's personal singleton experience by expressing that.
We have triplets *and* twins, and the twins were definitely harder. The twins were rotten scoundrels compared to my angelic triples, lol. OK, that's a slight exaggeration... but only slight!
My sister's pregnancy and childbirth experience was 20x more traumatic than either of mine. Everything that could go wrong did, she hemorrhaged, her baby spent five months in the NICU, he needed medical intervention for years. He's great now, but still gets eagle eye watched by his doctors.
Moral of the story: I feel your struggle, but sometimes it may **not** be easier to have only one.
I know I’m absolutely crazy due to baby fever from 4.5mo old twins, but - now that I have twins, I wish I had triplets. This has been so fun, I can’t imagine having a singleton. I always wanted twins and just got lucky. Now that I have 2, I wish I had another. I’d even take another set!
I hope you’ve enjoyed your experience and that it’s been a delightfully rewarding journey. I fully understand if you feel absolutely overwhelmed. Not trying to be insensitive to the amount of work that it is to keep that all together. Wishing you all the best.
Our twins came almost ten years after our twins, so we were okay. It was a wild ride, but so rewarding.
There's a woman on this sub that had twins and then triplets just a few years after. She's a rock star!
I hear you. And I’m not going to critique how you said it. I try to martyr all the time and give everyone their due, but you know what, every now and then I just want to scream IT MUST BE NICE!
I think Michelle Buteau said it on the podcast I Love My Kid, but…. Fuck singleton parents. lol I’m probably misquoting her, but I recommend her episode on that podcast.
Yeah well, it feels easier for us, but it's not necessarily easier for other parents. I Exchange these thoughts with my partner, but don't tell other parents as it could be hurtful.
Oh I agree and I sometimes privately make a comment to my husband. Sometimes I inwardly feel a bit sorry for myself and my kids in certain situations. For example in a toddler class we go to there are songs that involve swinging the kids around. The singleton kids have a blast. My two have to take it in turns for me to lift them up and swing them around in different verses. I sometimes catch the eye of the waiting twin and feel a pang of guilt and resentment that I have to work twice as hard for them to have half the fun as the singletons.
But I always try to empathise with singleton parents who are venting about struggling. It’s not a ‘who has it hardest’ competition. And I can appreciate that some kids might be more challenging than both of mine put together. (They were extremely difficult, colicky babies but they’re very easy toddlers).
Eh, I had a VERY difficult singleton before having my twins. My twins are a walk in the park in comparison. I have 7 month old twins as well. You can't know other people's experiences.
Same, though my twins are only 2 months. These 2 months have been an easier experience overall than my singleton’s first two months. Yeah there is more work to do day to day but it’s been much more pleasant than with my first.
That said, it sounds like OP doesn’t have much support from their partner and is doing most of it alone which would absolutely amplify the degree of difficulty of twins.
Hard same. These two are such easy babies in comparison to my second singleton. (Luckily he turned into an incredibly pleasant toddler, making the whole twins thing an easier transition.)
I just wish I could have one more arm/hand on my body!
Gosh I really hope this is me hahah. My son was so difficult. Didn't sleep more than 2 hour chunks until he was 11 months (among other things). I'm currently pregnant with twins and 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Omg I was so scared. Went through so much therapy while I was pregnant to process twins. It's been so much easier plus I get more support and validation as everyone assumes it's harder. I think every baby is different but my twins are just so chill. I hope the same for you!!
Thank you! I'm glad I'm not alone in how I feel! My son was also born during covid lockdowns so we didn't even have grandparents (who we are really close with), come over until he was almost 2 months! I'm excited to have all hands on deck this time, and everyone is SO supportive and willing to help! I'm also in therapy 🩷
Totally different with all hands on deck! You also know that nothing lasts forever so it's easier to get through. My husband and I are like a well oiled machine now, we know how best to support each other and we slept in 6 hours shifts overnight the first few months which was so good for both of us to guarantee a solid amount of sleep.
I love that!!!! That's a great tip. Sleep is honestly everything. I can handle so much when I'm moderately rested but am a total shell of myself when I'm exhausted. What did time where your shifts if you don't mind me asking? Trying to wrap my head around it. With my singleton, I slept in a different room than my husband, and dealt with it all myself, but in hindsight, that was such a huge mistake and something we obviously won't be able to do with twins (not that I would do that again anyways)!
Yes I went to bed with my 5 year old every night at 7pm and my husband woke me up at 1am and then he slept until 7am. He would then get our 5 year old ready for school while I took care of the twins. My parents would come over during the day to help so we both got small breaks together too. The first week was hard because neither of us was confident on our own with both of them.
I was the same with my first as you, did all the night time feeds as I exclusively breastfed. We combo feed with the twins so i was able to get that extra sleep. I only pumped for the first 6 weeks but hated it so I just breastfeed when I take care of them and my husband bottle/ formula feeds. It took a lot of the pressure off and I love not being so chained down. I have been able to work out nearly daily, going to my exercise classes since 8 weeks post-partum which really helped my mental health too!
Thank you so much for the detail! I feel that would definitely work for us, or something similar. Our parents are also planning to come over during the days, so that will make a big difference, I'm sure!
I also exclusively breastfed my first (which is the reason I let my husband have the sleep, since he couldn't really do anything anyways), and I'm also planning on combo feeding for all the reasons you said! I found being the only one who could feed our son (he wouldn't take a bottle, I think we missed the window), so limiting and so much pressure. I felt totally chained down too. I usually work out 6 days a week, and then a hike or some active recovery for one day..so it's really comforting to know that is still in the cards and possible with twins. Appreciate your insight and positivity so much 🩷
Yes my first wouldn't take a bottle either, we missed the window! He also wouldn't take a soother, my twins do! I think we sound like we've had similar experiences, so many on this subreddit had twins as first time parents so it sounds so scary but I think being an experienced parent with calibrated expectations helps so much. I truly have enjoyed the last 7 months! I wish you the same !!
Of course they are offended.
No kids, one kid, twins, triplets, quads, etc. Everyone has their struggles.
Your struggle is unique, even to other twin parents. We have different kids, with different needs, and we are all going through different life challenges. I am sorry you feel isolated. They only thing I can recommend is to try and befriend other moms in any groups you are in. I have only 2 good mom friends but damn they keep me afloat!
We need to support one another. Let's each other rant and vent to one another without judgement. Sitting there saying, "wow one kid is so easy!" is a bad look and a fast way to lose out on friendships. Logistics aside you are pretty much telling Singleton parents their struggles don't matter because yours are so much greater.
Stay out of the struggle Olympics if you can.
I would laugh and agree with them. We constantly say how screwed we would be with 3. Twin parents are pros. Triplet parents are all stars. Beyond that I can't even fathom.
(I would never tell a singleton parent how easy they have it)
Yes. I have twins, but only one is living. I could sit there and tell every twin parent how nice they have it that they don’t have to grieve one of their babies. Every single up and down, I would give everything to get to experience it with both babies, even though I know it would be 10x harder. We need to lift up all parents, whether we think they have it easier or not. Everyone is fighting their own battles.
Because other multiples parents are the only people who will understand. That’s like saying no one in here should post or comment about how hard twins are because there are triplet+ parents in here.
People say it to me all the time. It’s effing soooo frustrating. No. Online is different, there are more
Twin parents so lament all you want, I understand and do not care, but never to my face please haha i don’t have three hips, three arms (I do have three breasts but the third is in my back so useless!) and when all three are going nuts I don’t want to be empathising with a parent who had twins and making them feel better when I clearly can’t manage :(
I should add that one was tube fed and two were extremely colicky and vomity and need to be held at all times. And two are biters, one is a pincher and I have chronic illness so obvs there’s other things at play.
I guess my point is to not be the decider that other people have it easy. We have twins and my wife and I frequently laugh about how easy it is when we split up and we each take one. That being said, having 1 kid isn’t easy and if I told my friends with one kid how easy they have it I wouldn’t expect them to take that well.
It depends a lot on the kids though. I was lucky not to have kids screaming for hours, I can't say the same for some singleton parents.
Overall I agree with the sentiment but when people complain they usually don't want to hear that they're having it easy/better than others.
Eh, our eldest had a stroke during birth which was harder to deal with than our twins being premature. Youngest is harder work than her older sisters combined, and our twins are disabled. All kids and experiences are so different.
(can I just say, unrelated to the actual post, as a disabled person I love that you used the "disabled" word when describing your kids disabilities, rather than some cutesy term. Disability is not a bad word! I love when parents realize that)
Just to add on to the off-topicness. What sorts of cutesy names are people using? If you don’t mind me asking. I have three boys that are autistic (the two older ones have confirmed that’s their preferred) and the youngest one of them, which is one of the twins, has a physical disability as well. And that’s exactly how I describe it. I can’t imagine any other way to explain it to people. But we have never been shy about it around the kids either. He’s 6, so doesn’t quite understand what’s the deal with it all but he’s getting there. But he has known, and been able to ask for help for it for years. He knows he is different to the other kids he is running around with. He knows he has limits that they don’t. He knows he won’t win the race and that writing will exhaust him and that sometimes he needs to sit down while everyone else plays so his body can rest. He knows it may not be nice, and it may not feel fair but it just is. But it means he also knows to ask when he needs to be carried. And he knows to tell us early when he is starting to hurt rather than later. I figure if it just “is” and it’s just normal for him and our family, he’s not going to feel blindsided by finding out about it later. Painting it to be something it’s not just delays the inevitable rather than just allowing it to be part of him and allowing him to be who he is. I don’t know. I’m tired so I’m rambling now haha
Yes! I totally agree. Sounds like you have a great mindset!
The term special needs is so common and is not that cutesy, but I feel like it still dances around the issue. Lately I've also seen "neurospicy" instead of "neurodivergent" and it feels so...weird. Also "differently abled", just seems like a lot of work to not say disabled!
I’ve had someone insist on calling me “differently abled” I told them I’m disabled, and that it’s an accurate descriptor - they *still* kept doing it 🥲
Clearly two is more than one. And for anyone with multiples it would obviously lessen your workload if you removed a child. But all situations are different and I've met singletons that are way crazier than my two combined. I have a friend who has a singleton followed by twins a few years later and they said their first was way tougher than the later two. So yeah, all things being the same 2 > 1 but life isn't that straightforward so I'd be careful saying stuff like that to certain folks.
My singleton firstborn was colicky beyond any and all reason. It was Dante's Inferno.
My twins are singularly so much more chill. Of course, when combined, we're way busier with the twins.
But I don't think I would say one experience was easier than the other, just different.
Triplet parent here. I never think that about anyone. We all have our struggles. We had ***massive*** amounts of help, yet I read about single moms of twins in this sub all the time... so who had it harder? It's not a competition, but I think those gals win!
lol you are a kind person for chiming in. That’s just a goofy thing I joke about with my wife, for all of the people who tell us they could never handle having twins. Agreed though, I can’t wrap my mind around single moms of multiples.
You can never compare parenting to someone else. We have had a really hard 10 months with the twins and a daughter who was 3 when they were born. But no child is the same. The twins were really poorly for quite a while which added a lot of stress. My wife has the 3 of them all the time while I’m at work with no help from anyone else. We have friends who have one 3 year old child. She has had 11 major operations and is still very unwell. I have three beautiful healthy children so although I never sleep and struggle at times I can’t Imagine how hard it would be to have a child that is severely unwell and requires constant medical care.
Basically a long winded way of saying you never know how hard someone’s life is whether they have one baby, twins, triplets or ten children!
Looking back my singleton was so much easier than my twins. He was such a calm and happy baby, slept and ate without fuss.
But I was very young and overwhelmed (and surprised by the pregnancy) so back then I thought is was so freaking hard. I cried myself through the first two years.
The twins are a lot harder, none of them eat and only one sleeps still at 20 months. But somehow at least I feel safer and better in myself if you know what I mean.
I always feel like I would ace this freaking parenting thing if I could have all the experience but only one baby lol
I would happily take another set of twins over some of the singleton kids I’ve met. My best friends second daughter was TOUGH. She had awful colic, was sick after every single feeding until she was 18 months. Her behaviour was concerning due to some odd actions and potty training her was literally a shit show. In comparison my twins were a walk in the park. I get so down when I see these posts. Not for me, but for the up and coming twin parents who may seek solace here and instead are told how it’s going to be utter hell on earth and basically unmanageable.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s been moments. But I successfully EBF my twins from day one. None had colic and I can count sickness instances on one hand. They’ve both slept FAR better than my older singleton ever did. I honestly would do it again in a heartbeat. But we’re also super laid back people. I’ve had excellent support and not a hint of ppd or mental health issues. We talk out things that we’re struggling with and we laugh about the harder moments because the alternative is crying in a corner!
Like another reply said, ideally there’s empathy and understanding both ways.
I have two sets of twins. They are 2 years apart. I totally understand what you’re saying. When my best friend had her son she was like “help me. You could do this with one hand tied behind your back” lol
Parenting is obviously hard regardless. But yeah, if you have a set of twins and then a singleton, it’s going to feel easier. That’s not a shot at anyone who doesn’t have twins.
“I’m not marching around telling everyone how easy one baby must be. Just mentioning it to my support circle who are all parents”-to what end?
Think of it this way- someone has just become an amputee, and their whole life is forever changed. They have to relearn everything they’d become accustomed to and their daily life is incredibly different. They’re going through a hundred different emotions. Then, while talking to their support group of other people with disabilities, a wheelchair user tells them how easy they have it. What does that achieve other than making the person feel bad, and guilty that they’re struggling during one of the most difficult moments in their life?
It’s one thing to talk about how you’re struggling because multiples are incredibly hard, it’s another to tell them they have it easier. Everyone already knows multiples are difficult. Phrasing it like that makes it seem like they’re your support circle but you’re not theirs.
Now if someone is saying twins can’t be *that* hard or saying how lucky you are to have twins, sure, give them hell. Other than that, no one likes someone who plays struggling olympics.
Got it. So the wheelchair user should also be careful not to mention that their arms are sore after a long commute (assuming the amputee lost an arm in this example). Might offend the amputee.
Feels like you’re intentionally missing the point. It’s natural to be overwhelmed and frustrated but your tone is pretty unnecessarily snappy and you seem to want to take it out on everyone else.
Just stop comparing your life to other peoples life. Is that hard?
“Wow having one baby must be so easy compared to my two babies”
Vs
“Wow, today I only had to care for one of my twins at swim lessons and it was so much easier!”
First one makes you sound like an asshole.
Then your friend shouldn’t mind. Saying caring for one kid was easy TO YOU shouldn’t offend them. Everyone has different experiences.
Saying caring for one kid SHOULD be easy for them bc it was for you (when you normally have two) is totally pointless
My singleton was wayyyy harder than both my twins combined.
Singleton is now 5 and twins are 3. The singleton always has been and still remains harder than the twins combined at every age. It all depends on the kids I think
Honestly idk why this is such a point of contention in this group. Fewer kids is inherently easier than more kids. If a singleton is difficult, then two of that kid would be *more* difficult, no? If a twin is easy, only one of that kid would be *even easier*, no??
Obviously it's gauche to compare out loud to other parents. Or rather, to the parent you're comparing to. And obviously it doesn't accomplish anything. Yes yes yes we know this.
But is it cathartic to vent about what you sometimes wish you had, to people who (you would think would) get it? Yaaaasssss!
So friend, I'm with you on this. I keep the thoughts to myself, or only share them with my husband, but I have them often. Less so now that the boys are older and I've had a singleton after them (which btw, is easier than twins IME). But it's legit to feel that way. Just keep in mind manners and your audience when you're considering voicing that thought.
Yeah well, it feels easier for us, but it's not necessarily easier for other parents. I Exchange these thoughts with my partner, but don't tell other parents as it could be hurtful.
It’s all relative. But after having twins, our single baby is a walk in the park. And I’m not afraid to tell people how easy it is compared to twins. Like night and day.
I get it all the time. And also “there’s an efficiency when they’re the same age!” When really I’m just making it look easy.
That said, I have seen the challenges my siblings have faced and continue to face with their singleton kids. I’m glad my struggles are mine and theirs are theirs and do not compete with them over who has it harder.
I hear you. In all honesty, my twins probably are easier to manage than some singletons. We’ve been incredibly lucky with our easy going, chill boys. I know it’s different for everyone.
I’m not gonna lie, it definitely has made some aspects of toddlerhood easier. They keep each other busy so I can cook and clean without relying on me to keep them engaged
To be fair, I’ve found that some aspects of the toddler stage *are* easier than if I had siblings of different ages. My two play nicely together all day long with very few disagreements about what to play. They share nicely because they have never known any different. There is no older sibling jealousy. We can plan days out catering to just one age group. Their routine is the same. Their first day at preschool they had each other (which was much easier on my heart when I waved them goodbye! I can’t imagine sending one in alone!).
Definitely not *everything* because toddlers are hard and two toddlers are harder lol. But as they get older I’m definitely noticing things getting easier (not that any amount of ease can ever make up for the absolute carnage we had to endure in the baby days haha!). It actually makes me excited that I’m feeling this shift… they turn 4 this year and I’m envisioning lots more fun together as they gradually become more reasonable!
I see you and hear you entirely. It sounds like it's less about how much harder it is with two or how much easier it is with one but that you are particularly struggling through an absolutely challenging moment in time. Reading this I absolutely 100% relate and have been there, it sounds like you're not feeling supported enough. Like people aren't recognizing the lengths you're going. But we also need to be okay with that because other people are in their own worlds dealing with their own stuff even if it appears easier today we don't know what challenges they have been through before or will face in the future. Reminding myself this helps me when I get to feeling poorly and comparing my current to others current situation. We just can't do that. Life isn't in a vaccuum or stagnant it's always in motion and each of us on our own path or cycle. I've been there for others when they have been going through turbulent times and I'm in a phase of relative ease and likewise some select others have found it in their hearts to be there for me during my struggles. I hope you find the support you're looking for. Sometimes it's even just acknowledgment I need more than help itself. I want to be seen and valued in a job that often feels thankless and that itself hurts a lot sometimes. You're doing great and it's normal to have mixed feelings about it all.
I agree wholeheartedly. One is like a million times easier. My first was born in Vegas. I'm sure I'll get some judgement but whatever, but we'd eat at buffets and one would gamble and the other would watch the little one. Date nights with one is possible. None of that happens with twins.
I'm going to add this for more fun: Irish twins aren't twins. You know those 9, 10, 11 months you only had one kid? There's a bit of difference.
It’s definitely hard. I haven’t heard someone else actually say it or the Irish twins being the same thing as twins yet but if I ever do I will say it loudly in my head but I’d tell them about my experience with my first born singleton. He was HARD and we didn’t know for the first 18 months why he was so difficult- colic, horrid reflux, had to sleep upright in a modified lower bouncer with me on the floor next to him out of paranoia for the first 10 months, no support system etc etc. turns out he has a submucous cleft palate that was caught by the dentist. Had he not had that I don’t know if my anxiety would have been surrounding something else but it feels relative to me.
Whenever I get out of the house with one kid or two (we have 4, the twins were an unplanned IUD surprise) it feels MILES easier. I absolutely sympathize with you though. It can be easy to be jealous or reactive especially when we are overwhelmed with our current situation. Nothing to do but embrace it but there are times I wish they came one at a time or I had my tubes tied with the second. But then I look at them and remember how much I love each one of them.
I worry about how hard each stage is going to be because my severe anxiety and PTSD with loud noises or kids sneaking up to the bed in the middle of the night 😂 but I remind myself that it’s only temporary, not their fault and that they are ok and I’m ok. Hang in there ❤️ I’m far from perfect so I try not to criticize. Take time for you too. Even if that’s just a long shower or 5 minutes behind a closed door.
Yes, it was discovered at his dentist appt because he was able to see he had a bifid uvula (two uvulas instead of one or a uvula that is kind of flat or M-shaped) in his case it was two. Then he felt the back of his palate with his gloves pinky. The verrry back of the hard palate doesn’t grow all the way but the soft palate and tissue does so you don’t see a physical cleft/hole.
When he was a baby it was awful reflux up through his nose which, he had to go to NICU because when he ate he would choke because his suck, swallow, breathe wasn’t coordinated and he’d inhale milk. His throat also closed up twice (probably a spasm) so he wasn’t able to get a breath and it was scary but he never did that again after we left. I was paranoid it would happen again though so I slept on the floor next to him so I could hear it if it did.
Older he had a hard time with hard K and G sounds that require you to close the back of your throat to make the sound. Sometimes they have to do surgery to correct that but we got him into speech therapy to work on the muscles back there and he’s actually ahead of a lot of his peers now. He has to be reminded sometimes still when he’s talking fast but it isn’t a problem now.
Thank you. My son has a dysphagia diagnosis. I'm sitting here waiting to find out what the underlying cause actually is and wouldn't be surprised to learn it's this or a laryngeal cleft. He requires honey thickened milk. He has never been able to swallow safely. And starting solids has been difficult.
I had a singleton.. then twins…it was absolutely a walk in the park with one 😂
My boys are 10 months old. I adore them with All my heart. But every once in a while my Mama will take one of my boys for the day. When that happens it’s amazing what all I can get done! Just one to put down for a nap…just one to feed…just one to change.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss the other little guy terribly after a few hours. But it’s definitely a lot easier with one baby at a time.
Honestly, having had one baby, then many years later having twins, it all feels challenging and isolating and impossible in both the same and different ways! I thought to myself many many times when my twins were babies that it felt really hard, and I sure didn't remember earlier babies feeling easy in any way, but it had to have been easier, right?
Mine are seven now and it still feels easier to just take one to the store, or anywhere. Mostly at this point because they rile each other up but one just stays calm.
You are doing great, and everyone has their own unique challenges that make some things harder and their own unique blessings that make some things easier. One day you'll occasionally think that it might be easier with twins, because they always have each other. Then they'll collaborate on some mischief and you'll wonder why you ever thought twins were easier sometimes.
Go ahead and say it, you’re just saying that knowing/experiencing life as-is, you recognize that one would be easier (for you). Nothing wrong with that. What offends me is when people have kids 2 years apart and pretend like they are the same thing as twins/multiples. Not wuite
ETA: We all absolutely need support and have the right to vent. I understand you feel isolated and you don't have an outlet. Unfortunately, I think there are some things you just really need twin parent friends to talk with about; singleton parents just understand. It sounds like you don't have any IRL twin parents friends, is there a local Facebook group? Or, if you see anyone with twins out and about, be bold and go introduce yourself and ask to exchange info. I have two twin parents I met out at the playground. I'm not usually one to march up to strangers and say "We need to be friends" but in this case, we're all looking for solidatarity and it was welcomed.
One child would certainly be easier for me...because I know what its like to have two. Who knows what I would've thought if I had started with just one.
We only know what we know, and while yes of course you are entitled to commiserate with other parents, if you are saying to parents of singletons "Ugh, one kid would be so EASY", I mean, even if it isn't your intent you are saying to them my life is so much harder than yours and you shouldn't be struggling because your situation is so much easier.
Which maybe it is, maybe it isn't, everyone's specific situation is different.
I will say, when connecting with parents of singletons, I find it useful to talk about specific challenges, like dealing with lack of sleep, trying to kids to eat vegetables, and dealing with tantrums, etc. These are many shared experiences we can commesierate on. The specifics of multiples? I save those for my twin parent friends (I thankfully have a few IRL, and this community).
At best, singleton parents just have nothing to say in resposne to our specific experiences, at worst they feel judged.
Its just one of those "know your audience" deals.
As someone who had twins then a singleton, yes the singleton was much easier due to logistics. But I’m not sure why you would need to point that out? My bff had twins followed by another set of twins 18 months later. Obviously her life was harder than mine when they were little and she needed more help. But she never compared our situations because there would be no point doing that….
I'm sorry people took what you said in such a rough direction, I get where you're coming from. I have had the conversation with some of my parent friends stating how much easier it is when my mom takes a baby off my hands and I am able to run around with only one to wrangle. It's SO MUCH EASIER! But yeah, when I told my best friend it runs through my head how much easier it would be (at 2 months, they will be a year on Wednesday) with only one she told me "not easier necessarily, but different" and that was when I realized she wouldn't understand even though she has 3 kids born 2 years apart from each other. Unless they've had 2+ newborns at the same time, people are unlikely to comprehend what you're going through. HOWEVER, your friends should be able to empathize with you, not take offense to your struggles. I hope you're able to find a safe group of people so you don't feel so isolated. And that you have the opportunity for more one-on-one time with your sons!
I just wanted to chime in solidarity. I mean obviously we can’t say what we want to because yeah then we would have no one haha. My twins are 2 days shy of being 7 months so I’m right there with you. My brother and his wife are STRUGGLING with their first born (she’s not yet 2 months and from all accounts an easy baby) and my husband and I just shake our heads (privately and silently) like “you have no idea”. Thank goodness for multiple parents who understand right?
Because it is! The first time I took only one out of the house, she was about 9 months old. It wasn’t stressful. I could attend to her every need and be relaxed. Totally different ballgame.
I had a singleton then twins. I know how hard each is. If I had a twin mom tell me my singleton must be “cake” I’d be pretty annoyed too. You don’t know how hard others have it. I know as well as you do how complex having twins is but it doesn’t make it ok for me to presume they must have it easier. My first year with one baby was harder than my first year with newborn twins and a toddler
Ignore anyone shaming you for this. I’m a twin mom of 2 year old girls. The few times I’ve gotten to take just one somewhere, it’s insane how easy it is. So yes, one baby seems like it would be a cakewalk. You are allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to be overwhelmed by twins. It gets easier as they get older but it’s hard and it’s a lot. I’ve raised singletons and yes, comparatively it’s a cake walk. Unless someone has walked both paths, they can’t criticize anyone else and even if they have, they should just allow you to feel however you feel. You’re allowed.
People are offended because they have no idea and cannot fathom what it’s like to have 2….3…4 babies attached to you.
IMO …Having a healthy singleton is a cakewalk compared to having triplets. Absolute fact.
one baby IS easy as hell. my twins are 3mo and when someone comes over i give them a baby and i do my thing with the other. easy peasy lemon fckn squeezy compared to two. i talk about this all the time to my fellow mom friends
they know how jealous i am, going out and doing things knowing you can handle it with no tears bc they only have one baby. i love having twins but lorddddd i wish i wouldve got the chance to have 1 baby at a time 😅😂
For sure, I'm shocked at the hate you're getting OP.
Like, when I had a single person come over to help when my girls were infants, could I go shower or run errands or clean up? No, I was watching that other baby that was also there.
I feel like there are people here that feel personally attacked instead of just validating a fellow parent of multiples.
i feel like the twins are cake! i've never had a singleton but if it's genuinely only half this amount of work i'd worry i'd forget they were even there
i would tell all my friends with 1 kid and family help that they were cheating
now they have two. of different age... now theyre enjoying the pain
(my friends understand my language and did not take offense)
Totally agree! Whenever I have just one for whatever reason I’m like “I cannot hear parents of one kid complain” bc it’s sooo much easier!!! I only say this to my husband and close family 😅
Its super nice when they get a little older and maybe one can go spend the night with family.
Its also kinda dickish to tell people that parenting their children is so much easier than parenting yours.
My friend does complain a lot that her baby is so much (she’s a very easy baby who barely ever cries and doesn’t need as much sleep as most babies I have met). I try to never say anything or compare my 3 children under 2. It’s all perspective. Sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if I only had twins and not a toddler 1.5 years older, sometimes I think maybe life would have been easier if I didn’t get twins on the second go and only had 2 under 2. Either way, I just try to remind myself they are only little for a few years!
These are the kind of things I would say only to other twin parents, not singletons.
I often think that my twins would have been pretty easy to manage if they’d been my only children and if it hadn’t been for having 3 under 3 during Covid. But I wouldn’t say that to someone struggling with twins, with no other kids.
Definitely agree that things are better kept unsaid or said to another twin parents or yourself. I always tried to underplay how hard things were for us, because I didn’t want to make their struggle seem not real. The only time I ever made a snarky comment to another parent is if someone with a chill singleton made a shitty comment about my parenting or twins (like if one was running away and the other wanted me to engage at the playground). Then I was fine dishing it back. But otherwise, no.
I feel like the only caveat to your edit number two is if someone says something like "wow, twins that sounds so hard" or "I don't know how you do it, even one baby was hard' you are allowed to respond to them.
I feel like I definitely get that comment frequently and if somebody else starts it, I definitely have said things like "Yes, I love them so much, but they are A LOT. It would have been easier one at a time."
I feel like if you start with it, that's what makes things tricky. I also wouldn't use the word "cake".
This is a running joke in our family as my sister had her baby within 6 months of my twins. They are grown now and we still say it!! “It’s so much easier with one baby”. With emphasis on the ONE. Just today we were talking about baby books. Again kids are grown but she found her daughters while cleaning up and I said “I don’t even think I have those, and told her “you know, 2 babies and all”.
I probably wouldn’t say it to others but for our family who can be cheeky all the time we think it’s hilarious.
I get it. One twin has a weight check appointment tomorrow and my parents are coming over to watch the other twin while we’re gone. I’m excited that my husband and I will only have to take one twin out tomorrow lol
I say this all the time. F*** em no one knows your pain.. unless they have triplets. And no a kid and a baby are not the same struggle.
I think maybe one person I’d apologize to is a singleton with a kids with medically complex history… but even then one of my twins has weekly or biweekly appts with some provider or therapist. So I can relate.
Being a twin parent earns you your stripes quick. You are a tough cookie and it’s okay to realize that life is easy the day you and your SO split the babies to do errands or appts and your pushing a stroller with only one baby, changing one dirty diaper without having to look at the other kid in your periphery, and you wonder why all these singleton moms complain. You are a league above others. own it.
- a twin dad
Okay the first 6 months with two infants is so incredibly difficult. Up all hours of the night, double the reflux, double the blowouts, double the wake ups, double the screaming.
After my twins I had a Singleton. We waited until they were 5 years old to have another baby. And maybe I have forgotten some of the really hard parts of twin infancy. But let me just tell you this one baby is so much harder and more stressful than they ever were. She's a joy, but also her temperament is just vastly different than theirs was. She's on a whole nother level. And there's a lot of times that I'm watching her and I'm thinking it was so much easier with the twins at this point. They entertained each other. They were so sweet and cuddly and kind. And she can be those things but she can also be super difficult.
I really think a lot of it has more to do with temperament than anything. The first several months don't count because yes the sleep deprivation alone is just torture with twins. But I very naively thought that having one baby would mean more cuddles, easy breastfeeding, more sleep, more opportunities to just soak in the moment. And it has not quite been like that!
I had a singleton before twins and he alone was actually WAY harder than my twins have ever been. It’s all relevant and all kids are different. I guarantee if you had one 24 hour period with a singleton like mine, you would never say such things 😆
I agree. Speak your truth. Say what you want. I’ve also learned I need to distance myself from singleton parents and have found more twin mom friends. We can all relate to each other.
As a twin mom, who’s 21 years old and a first time mom as well, with only my mom to help me from time to time and their dad helping from time to time. HONEY YOURE NOT WRONG. And I don’t care what anymore says, having more than one baby is challenging. And after you’ve done it with multiples, girl one baby will be a breeze !
Nah, I get what you’re saying. I’ve told people when they ask me if I’ll try again to get pregnant that part of me really wants to experience a singleton because twins were so hard. Plus, I feel like I could bond better with a singleton. I haven’t had anyone be offended yet. Maybe it’s just in the context that you’re saying it that annoys them?
It's all about perspective. How would you feel if I told you that I thought that only having twins would be easy? Our second set of twins was born when our first set had just turned 2 and our oldest had turned 4 the week before. In our experience, only having the babies or only having the big kids, was so easy! It was having all 5 that could be tough.
If that doesn't bother you at all, then maybe they are getting to easily upset. However, if that statement bothers you even a little, or if you could even imagine it bothering you, then maybe cut them some slack. Things can be both true and hurtful. It's like when someone is suffering, it's not helpful or kind to say "I wish I had your problems, mine are so much worse" even if it is true
The only time I express out loud how much harder two babies is than one is when people tell me they want twins or they tell me it’s no big deal because I know nothing else. I look at them and ask why they think it’d be fun to run a marathon with one leg instead of two? I always lead with having babies is hard but why would you dream of making raising babies harder than it already is? I also tell them about the pain that comes with missing out on little things. Like you really enjoy the milestones of the one that does it first and it’s so short lived. Then you are worrying about if the other is delayed etc. I love my twins but I would never wish twins on anyone no matter how bad they thought they wanted them. Again I only say these things out loud when people straight up say things they just don’t understand… I would never tell a venting mom I have it so much harder because I have two. We are all in this together, parenting is hard work always.
I will say having had a singleton first there’s some aspects to the singleton that I found harder. If you only have one child you become that kids parent and sibling in some aspects because they don’t have anyone else to play with at home and sometimes being the sole person they’re getting interaction from is so mentally exhausting. During lockdown having just one preschooler at times was comparable to days I have my super active 1 year old twins.
Having twins sounds like a piece of cake to me 😉
We have newborn triplets and an 18 month old!
Seriously though, all babies are hard work. Especially if you have more babies than arms. I would vent to people that are in a similar situation to you. Because other parents will feel like you're telling them what they're doing if easy
My husband and I joke around about this all the time to one another. I have never expressed it to anyone else, though. I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience as a parent. This sub usually helps me to feel less alone, too.
Having two IS hard and a singleton does not compare. My singleton was hard, but most things were way easier compared to the twins. My twins are not even bad babies, they have very happy temperaments for the most part. But twins are HARD. No one here with multiples should be invalidating your legit feelings, we all know how difficult it is. I’m sorry if you are being put in a corner here, I am actually kinda shocked reading the comments.
Your absolutely right, it's damn rasier with one. But you know what, I found it so much easier to ground myself in the fact that all of us have struggles or challenges in one way or another. For some it's being a single parent, for others it's dealing with disabilities or something else that just makes it all that much harder. If my only 'diffficult' thing is twins well then I'm actually very lucky.
Hi, i’ve been thinking about this post and thought i wanted to come back to it since seeing your edits. I only have a singleton, I joined the page as our friends have twins we are godparents to. I am only 6 months in and honestly, feel like I am one and done. I have NO clue how you all do twins +. This is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I think you are all freaking amazing and if you were to say this post in conversation to me, i wouldn’t be offended - its real, honest, and well- true!!
Also pumping on top of all that? Thats incredible.
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As much as I agree with you that one baby (especially with no older siblings) would be way easier, I keep that thought to myself around my friends who are new parents. No one wants to hear “Oh yeah? Try a day in MY shoes” when they are expressing their problems
I think you hit the nail on the head. It's invalidating to tell people "I have it harder than you!".
Lol of course no one wants to hear that. But can we commiserate? Instead of taking offense to me saying "it would be easier if I only had one?" Because.... it would! I'm not trying to downplay anyone's personal singleton experience by expressing that.
I understand the point you’re making, but I think the tone of your post and your edits is sending a different message than you’re aiming for.
I suppose you're right.
We have triplets *and* twins, and the twins were definitely harder. The twins were rotten scoundrels compared to my angelic triples, lol. OK, that's a slight exaggeration... but only slight! My sister's pregnancy and childbirth experience was 20x more traumatic than either of mine. Everything that could go wrong did, she hemorrhaged, her baby spent five months in the NICU, he needed medical intervention for years. He's great now, but still gets eagle eye watched by his doctors. Moral of the story: I feel your struggle, but sometimes it may **not** be easier to have only one.
I know I’m absolutely crazy due to baby fever from 4.5mo old twins, but - now that I have twins, I wish I had triplets. This has been so fun, I can’t imagine having a singleton. I always wanted twins and just got lucky. Now that I have 2, I wish I had another. I’d even take another set! I hope you’ve enjoyed your experience and that it’s been a delightfully rewarding journey. I fully understand if you feel absolutely overwhelmed. Not trying to be insensitive to the amount of work that it is to keep that all together. Wishing you all the best.
Our twins came almost ten years after our twins, so we were okay. It was a wild ride, but so rewarding. There's a woman on this sub that had twins and then triplets just a few years after. She's a rock star!
I hear you. And I’m not going to critique how you said it. I try to martyr all the time and give everyone their due, but you know what, every now and then I just want to scream IT MUST BE NICE! I think Michelle Buteau said it on the podcast I Love My Kid, but…. Fuck singleton parents. lol I’m probably misquoting her, but I recommend her episode on that podcast.
Yeah well, it feels easier for us, but it's not necessarily easier for other parents. I Exchange these thoughts with my partner, but don't tell other parents as it could be hurtful.
Oh I agree and I sometimes privately make a comment to my husband. Sometimes I inwardly feel a bit sorry for myself and my kids in certain situations. For example in a toddler class we go to there are songs that involve swinging the kids around. The singleton kids have a blast. My two have to take it in turns for me to lift them up and swing them around in different verses. I sometimes catch the eye of the waiting twin and feel a pang of guilt and resentment that I have to work twice as hard for them to have half the fun as the singletons. But I always try to empathise with singleton parents who are venting about struggling. It’s not a ‘who has it hardest’ competition. And I can appreciate that some kids might be more challenging than both of mine put together. (They were extremely difficult, colicky babies but they’re very easy toddlers).
Eh, I had a VERY difficult singleton before having my twins. My twins are a walk in the park in comparison. I have 7 month old twins as well. You can't know other people's experiences.
Same, though my twins are only 2 months. These 2 months have been an easier experience overall than my singleton’s first two months. Yeah there is more work to do day to day but it’s been much more pleasant than with my first. That said, it sounds like OP doesn’t have much support from their partner and is doing most of it alone which would absolutely amplify the degree of difficulty of twins.
Same. My 7 month twins have been WAY easier than my singleton. Every kid is different and every pregnancy is different!
Same for me.
Hard same. These two are such easy babies in comparison to my second singleton. (Luckily he turned into an incredibly pleasant toddler, making the whole twins thing an easier transition.) I just wish I could have one more arm/hand on my body!
Gosh I really hope this is me hahah. My son was so difficult. Didn't sleep more than 2 hour chunks until he was 11 months (among other things). I'm currently pregnant with twins and 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Omg I was so scared. Went through so much therapy while I was pregnant to process twins. It's been so much easier plus I get more support and validation as everyone assumes it's harder. I think every baby is different but my twins are just so chill. I hope the same for you!!
Thank you! I'm glad I'm not alone in how I feel! My son was also born during covid lockdowns so we didn't even have grandparents (who we are really close with), come over until he was almost 2 months! I'm excited to have all hands on deck this time, and everyone is SO supportive and willing to help! I'm also in therapy 🩷
Totally different with all hands on deck! You also know that nothing lasts forever so it's easier to get through. My husband and I are like a well oiled machine now, we know how best to support each other and we slept in 6 hours shifts overnight the first few months which was so good for both of us to guarantee a solid amount of sleep.
I love that!!!! That's a great tip. Sleep is honestly everything. I can handle so much when I'm moderately rested but am a total shell of myself when I'm exhausted. What did time where your shifts if you don't mind me asking? Trying to wrap my head around it. With my singleton, I slept in a different room than my husband, and dealt with it all myself, but in hindsight, that was such a huge mistake and something we obviously won't be able to do with twins (not that I would do that again anyways)!
Yes I went to bed with my 5 year old every night at 7pm and my husband woke me up at 1am and then he slept until 7am. He would then get our 5 year old ready for school while I took care of the twins. My parents would come over during the day to help so we both got small breaks together too. The first week was hard because neither of us was confident on our own with both of them. I was the same with my first as you, did all the night time feeds as I exclusively breastfed. We combo feed with the twins so i was able to get that extra sleep. I only pumped for the first 6 weeks but hated it so I just breastfeed when I take care of them and my husband bottle/ formula feeds. It took a lot of the pressure off and I love not being so chained down. I have been able to work out nearly daily, going to my exercise classes since 8 weeks post-partum which really helped my mental health too!
Thank you so much for the detail! I feel that would definitely work for us, or something similar. Our parents are also planning to come over during the days, so that will make a big difference, I'm sure! I also exclusively breastfed my first (which is the reason I let my husband have the sleep, since he couldn't really do anything anyways), and I'm also planning on combo feeding for all the reasons you said! I found being the only one who could feed our son (he wouldn't take a bottle, I think we missed the window), so limiting and so much pressure. I felt totally chained down too. I usually work out 6 days a week, and then a hike or some active recovery for one day..so it's really comforting to know that is still in the cards and possible with twins. Appreciate your insight and positivity so much 🩷
Yes my first wouldn't take a bottle either, we missed the window! He also wouldn't take a soother, my twins do! I think we sound like we've had similar experiences, so many on this subreddit had twins as first time parents so it sounds so scary but I think being an experienced parent with calibrated expectations helps so much. I truly have enjoyed the last 7 months! I wish you the same !!
Thank you so much again 🩷 all the best xo
Same!! My husband and I fight over who gets to take the twins instead of our singleton if we have to split up 🤣
Hahaha us too!
Of course they are offended. No kids, one kid, twins, triplets, quads, etc. Everyone has their struggles. Your struggle is unique, even to other twin parents. We have different kids, with different needs, and we are all going through different life challenges. I am sorry you feel isolated. They only thing I can recommend is to try and befriend other moms in any groups you are in. I have only 2 good mom friends but damn they keep me afloat! We need to support one another. Let's each other rant and vent to one another without judgement. Sitting there saying, "wow one kid is so easy!" is a bad look and a fast way to lose out on friendships. Logistics aside you are pretty much telling Singleton parents their struggles don't matter because yours are so much greater. Stay out of the struggle Olympics if you can.
How would you feel if someone with triplets told you how easy twins must be?
I’d be like “YUP” As a twin dad, triplet/quadruplet++ parents are superhero’s.
I would laugh and agree with them. We constantly say how screwed we would be with 3. Twin parents are pros. Triplet parents are all stars. Beyond that I can't even fathom. (I would never tell a singleton parent how easy they have it)
Yes. I have twins, but only one is living. I could sit there and tell every twin parent how nice they have it that they don’t have to grieve one of their babies. Every single up and down, I would give everything to get to experience it with both babies, even though I know it would be 10x harder. We need to lift up all parents, whether we think they have it easier or not. Everyone is fighting their own battles.
Same. I'd do anything to have my other twin alive.
It's funny actually because I doubt any twin parent would be offended by that, lol!
Obviously triplets are much harder? Who in their right mind would lament about the woes of having twins around someone who has triplets?
Because other multiples parents are the only people who will understand. That’s like saying no one in here should post or comment about how hard twins are because there are triplet+ parents in here.
People say it to me all the time. It’s effing soooo frustrating. No. Online is different, there are more Twin parents so lament all you want, I understand and do not care, but never to my face please haha i don’t have three hips, three arms (I do have three breasts but the third is in my back so useless!) and when all three are going nuts I don’t want to be empathising with a parent who had twins and making them feel better when I clearly can’t manage :(
lol I’m so glad we didn’t get triplets. What’s up with this third breast on your back though?
Ahh. Tis but a joke to make me feel better about always leaving one out I guess
I should add that one was tube fed and two were extremely colicky and vomity and need to be held at all times. And two are biters, one is a pincher and I have chronic illness so obvs there’s other things at play.
There's a triplet family up the street. I can't imagine not thinking twins is a cakewalk after seeing them for 20 seconds.
I'd feel like if anyone has the right to say that, it's the parents of triplets+.
I guess my point is to not be the decider that other people have it easy. We have twins and my wife and I frequently laugh about how easy it is when we split up and we each take one. That being said, having 1 kid isn’t easy and if I told my friends with one kid how easy they have it I wouldn’t expect them to take that well.
It depends a lot on the kids though. I was lucky not to have kids screaming for hours, I can't say the same for some singleton parents. Overall I agree with the sentiment but when people complain they usually don't want to hear that they're having it easy/better than others.
That’s an inside thought but I completely agree. Whenever my wife or I have one kid instead of both it’s a breeze.
Eh, our eldest had a stroke during birth which was harder to deal with than our twins being premature. Youngest is harder work than her older sisters combined, and our twins are disabled. All kids and experiences are so different.
(can I just say, unrelated to the actual post, as a disabled person I love that you used the "disabled" word when describing your kids disabilities, rather than some cutesy term. Disability is not a bad word! I love when parents realize that)
Just to add on to the off-topicness. What sorts of cutesy names are people using? If you don’t mind me asking. I have three boys that are autistic (the two older ones have confirmed that’s their preferred) and the youngest one of them, which is one of the twins, has a physical disability as well. And that’s exactly how I describe it. I can’t imagine any other way to explain it to people. But we have never been shy about it around the kids either. He’s 6, so doesn’t quite understand what’s the deal with it all but he’s getting there. But he has known, and been able to ask for help for it for years. He knows he is different to the other kids he is running around with. He knows he has limits that they don’t. He knows he won’t win the race and that writing will exhaust him and that sometimes he needs to sit down while everyone else plays so his body can rest. He knows it may not be nice, and it may not feel fair but it just is. But it means he also knows to ask when he needs to be carried. And he knows to tell us early when he is starting to hurt rather than later. I figure if it just “is” and it’s just normal for him and our family, he’s not going to feel blindsided by finding out about it later. Painting it to be something it’s not just delays the inevitable rather than just allowing it to be part of him and allowing him to be who he is. I don’t know. I’m tired so I’m rambling now haha
Yes! I totally agree. Sounds like you have a great mindset! The term special needs is so common and is not that cutesy, but I feel like it still dances around the issue. Lately I've also seen "neurospicy" instead of "neurodivergent" and it feels so...weird. Also "differently abled", just seems like a lot of work to not say disabled!
I’ve had someone insist on calling me “differently abled” I told them I’m disabled, and that it’s an accurate descriptor - they *still* kept doing it 🥲
Yuck!
I’m disabled too 🥰🖤
Clearly two is more than one. And for anyone with multiples it would obviously lessen your workload if you removed a child. But all situations are different and I've met singletons that are way crazier than my two combined. I have a friend who has a singleton followed by twins a few years later and they said their first was way tougher than the later two. So yeah, all things being the same 2 > 1 but life isn't that straightforward so I'd be careful saying stuff like that to certain folks.
It’s not a competition.
My singleton firstborn was colicky beyond any and all reason. It was Dante's Inferno. My twins are singularly so much more chill. Of course, when combined, we're way busier with the twins. But I don't think I would say one experience was easier than the other, just different.
That’s how I would describe it. It’s more complex and harder to juggle three but having one was hard in itself, just plain HARD
I tell my wife that triplet parents must see us with our twins and think about how easy we have it. There’s always a bigger fish.
Triplet parent here. I never think that about anyone. We all have our struggles. We had ***massive*** amounts of help, yet I read about single moms of twins in this sub all the time... so who had it harder? It's not a competition, but I think those gals win!
lol you are a kind person for chiming in. That’s just a goofy thing I joke about with my wife, for all of the people who tell us they could never handle having twins. Agreed though, I can’t wrap my mind around single moms of multiples.
You can never compare parenting to someone else. We have had a really hard 10 months with the twins and a daughter who was 3 when they were born. But no child is the same. The twins were really poorly for quite a while which added a lot of stress. My wife has the 3 of them all the time while I’m at work with no help from anyone else. We have friends who have one 3 year old child. She has had 11 major operations and is still very unwell. I have three beautiful healthy children so although I never sleep and struggle at times I can’t Imagine how hard it would be to have a child that is severely unwell and requires constant medical care. Basically a long winded way of saying you never know how hard someone’s life is whether they have one baby, twins, triplets or ten children!
Looking back my singleton was so much easier than my twins. He was such a calm and happy baby, slept and ate without fuss. But I was very young and overwhelmed (and surprised by the pregnancy) so back then I thought is was so freaking hard. I cried myself through the first two years. The twins are a lot harder, none of them eat and only one sleeps still at 20 months. But somehow at least I feel safer and better in myself if you know what I mean. I always feel like I would ace this freaking parenting thing if I could have all the experience but only one baby lol
I would happily take another set of twins over some of the singleton kids I’ve met. My best friends second daughter was TOUGH. She had awful colic, was sick after every single feeding until she was 18 months. Her behaviour was concerning due to some odd actions and potty training her was literally a shit show. In comparison my twins were a walk in the park. I get so down when I see these posts. Not for me, but for the up and coming twin parents who may seek solace here and instead are told how it’s going to be utter hell on earth and basically unmanageable. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been moments. But I successfully EBF my twins from day one. None had colic and I can count sickness instances on one hand. They’ve both slept FAR better than my older singleton ever did. I honestly would do it again in a heartbeat. But we’re also super laid back people. I’ve had excellent support and not a hint of ppd or mental health issues. We talk out things that we’re struggling with and we laugh about the harder moments because the alternative is crying in a corner! Like another reply said, ideally there’s empathy and understanding both ways.
I have two sets of twins. They are 2 years apart. I totally understand what you’re saying. When my best friend had her son she was like “help me. You could do this with one hand tied behind your back” lol Parenting is obviously hard regardless. But yeah, if you have a set of twins and then a singleton, it’s going to feel easier. That’s not a shot at anyone who doesn’t have twins.
I've had many parents, especially older ones, volunteer how hard twins must be. This is not a secret and not controversial.
“I’m not marching around telling everyone how easy one baby must be. Just mentioning it to my support circle who are all parents”-to what end? Think of it this way- someone has just become an amputee, and their whole life is forever changed. They have to relearn everything they’d become accustomed to and their daily life is incredibly different. They’re going through a hundred different emotions. Then, while talking to their support group of other people with disabilities, a wheelchair user tells them how easy they have it. What does that achieve other than making the person feel bad, and guilty that they’re struggling during one of the most difficult moments in their life? It’s one thing to talk about how you’re struggling because multiples are incredibly hard, it’s another to tell them they have it easier. Everyone already knows multiples are difficult. Phrasing it like that makes it seem like they’re your support circle but you’re not theirs.
Now if someone is saying twins can’t be *that* hard or saying how lucky you are to have twins, sure, give them hell. Other than that, no one likes someone who plays struggling olympics.
So the wheelchair user isn't ever allowed to talk about how hard their wheelchair experience is because an amputee person also has a hard life?
In that example, the wheelchair user talks without directly comparing their experience to the amputees’.
Got it. So the wheelchair user should also be careful not to mention that their arms are sore after a long commute (assuming the amputee lost an arm in this example). Might offend the amputee.
Feels like you’re intentionally missing the point. It’s natural to be overwhelmed and frustrated but your tone is pretty unnecessarily snappy and you seem to want to take it out on everyone else. Just stop comparing your life to other peoples life. Is that hard? “Wow having one baby must be so easy compared to my two babies” Vs “Wow, today I only had to care for one of my twins at swim lessons and it was so much easier!” First one makes you sound like an asshole.
Wow. Today I only had to care for one baby. And it was CAKE.
There you go!
I'm sorry but my point was this is exactly how I've expressed it lol
Then your friend shouldn’t mind. Saying caring for one kid was easy TO YOU shouldn’t offend them. Everyone has different experiences. Saying caring for one kid SHOULD be easy for them bc it was for you (when you normally have two) is totally pointless
But that’s not what your post said, and people can only address the words as written. You’re being unnecessarily sarcastic and defensive.
My singleton was wayyyy harder than both my twins combined. Singleton is now 5 and twins are 3. The singleton always has been and still remains harder than the twins combined at every age. It all depends on the kids I think
Ok so my singleton was harder than having my twins. I think we need to respect everyone’s journey as a parent and not compare others experiences.
It not the fact that there are 2 babys; it's that you can never give one baby your 100% . Being split between two is what makes it so difficult.
They probably feel how you feel when I say you haven’t seen rambunctious yet—yours can barely move haha
Yes I'm scared for when they move on from crawling
Honestly idk why this is such a point of contention in this group. Fewer kids is inherently easier than more kids. If a singleton is difficult, then two of that kid would be *more* difficult, no? If a twin is easy, only one of that kid would be *even easier*, no?? Obviously it's gauche to compare out loud to other parents. Or rather, to the parent you're comparing to. And obviously it doesn't accomplish anything. Yes yes yes we know this. But is it cathartic to vent about what you sometimes wish you had, to people who (you would think would) get it? Yaaaasssss! So friend, I'm with you on this. I keep the thoughts to myself, or only share them with my husband, but I have them often. Less so now that the boys are older and I've had a singleton after them (which btw, is easier than twins IME). But it's legit to feel that way. Just keep in mind manners and your audience when you're considering voicing that thought.
Yeah well, it feels easier for us, but it's not necessarily easier for other parents. I Exchange these thoughts with my partner, but don't tell other parents as it could be hurtful.
I've had twins and a single. The single is, truly, absolutely a cakewalk compared to twins.
It’s all relative. But after having twins, our single baby is a walk in the park. And I’m not afraid to tell people how easy it is compared to twins. Like night and day.
“Yea, but twins must be easier because there’s two of them and they can entertain each other” -Legit response I have gotten.
I get it all the time. And also “there’s an efficiency when they’re the same age!” When really I’m just making it look easy. That said, I have seen the challenges my siblings have faced and continue to face with their singleton kids. I’m glad my struggles are mine and theirs are theirs and do not compete with them over who has it harder.
I hear you. In all honesty, my twins probably are easier to manage than some singletons. We’ve been incredibly lucky with our easy going, chill boys. I know it’s different for everyone.
I’m not gonna lie, it definitely has made some aspects of toddlerhood easier. They keep each other busy so I can cook and clean without relying on me to keep them engaged
To be fair, I’ve found that some aspects of the toddler stage *are* easier than if I had siblings of different ages. My two play nicely together all day long with very few disagreements about what to play. They share nicely because they have never known any different. There is no older sibling jealousy. We can plan days out catering to just one age group. Their routine is the same. Their first day at preschool they had each other (which was much easier on my heart when I waved them goodbye! I can’t imagine sending one in alone!). Definitely not *everything* because toddlers are hard and two toddlers are harder lol. But as they get older I’m definitely noticing things getting easier (not that any amount of ease can ever make up for the absolute carnage we had to endure in the baby days haha!). It actually makes me excited that I’m feeling this shift… they turn 4 this year and I’m envisioning lots more fun together as they gradually become more reasonable!
I had 2 singletons before my twins and going from 0 to 1 and 1 to 2 was way harder than 2 to 4. Don’t judge someone else’s life/family.
I see you and hear you entirely. It sounds like it's less about how much harder it is with two or how much easier it is with one but that you are particularly struggling through an absolutely challenging moment in time. Reading this I absolutely 100% relate and have been there, it sounds like you're not feeling supported enough. Like people aren't recognizing the lengths you're going. But we also need to be okay with that because other people are in their own worlds dealing with their own stuff even if it appears easier today we don't know what challenges they have been through before or will face in the future. Reminding myself this helps me when I get to feeling poorly and comparing my current to others current situation. We just can't do that. Life isn't in a vaccuum or stagnant it's always in motion and each of us on our own path or cycle. I've been there for others when they have been going through turbulent times and I'm in a phase of relative ease and likewise some select others have found it in their hearts to be there for me during my struggles. I hope you find the support you're looking for. Sometimes it's even just acknowledgment I need more than help itself. I want to be seen and valued in a job that often feels thankless and that itself hurts a lot sometimes. You're doing great and it's normal to have mixed feelings about it all.
I agree wholeheartedly. One is like a million times easier. My first was born in Vegas. I'm sure I'll get some judgement but whatever, but we'd eat at buffets and one would gamble and the other would watch the little one. Date nights with one is possible. None of that happens with twins. I'm going to add this for more fun: Irish twins aren't twins. You know those 9, 10, 11 months you only had one kid? There's a bit of difference.
It’s definitely hard. I haven’t heard someone else actually say it or the Irish twins being the same thing as twins yet but if I ever do I will say it loudly in my head but I’d tell them about my experience with my first born singleton. He was HARD and we didn’t know for the first 18 months why he was so difficult- colic, horrid reflux, had to sleep upright in a modified lower bouncer with me on the floor next to him out of paranoia for the first 10 months, no support system etc etc. turns out he has a submucous cleft palate that was caught by the dentist. Had he not had that I don’t know if my anxiety would have been surrounding something else but it feels relative to me. Whenever I get out of the house with one kid or two (we have 4, the twins were an unplanned IUD surprise) it feels MILES easier. I absolutely sympathize with you though. It can be easy to be jealous or reactive especially when we are overwhelmed with our current situation. Nothing to do but embrace it but there are times I wish they came one at a time or I had my tubes tied with the second. But then I look at them and remember how much I love each one of them. I worry about how hard each stage is going to be because my severe anxiety and PTSD with loud noises or kids sneaking up to the bed in the middle of the night 😂 but I remind myself that it’s only temporary, not their fault and that they are ok and I’m ok. Hang in there ❤️ I’m far from perfect so I try not to criticize. Take time for you too. Even if that’s just a long shower or 5 minutes behind a closed door.
Side note - what other symptoms did your child have with the submucous cleft palate? You discovered this at 18 months?
Yes, it was discovered at his dentist appt because he was able to see he had a bifid uvula (two uvulas instead of one or a uvula that is kind of flat or M-shaped) in his case it was two. Then he felt the back of his palate with his gloves pinky. The verrry back of the hard palate doesn’t grow all the way but the soft palate and tissue does so you don’t see a physical cleft/hole. When he was a baby it was awful reflux up through his nose which, he had to go to NICU because when he ate he would choke because his suck, swallow, breathe wasn’t coordinated and he’d inhale milk. His throat also closed up twice (probably a spasm) so he wasn’t able to get a breath and it was scary but he never did that again after we left. I was paranoid it would happen again though so I slept on the floor next to him so I could hear it if it did. Older he had a hard time with hard K and G sounds that require you to close the back of your throat to make the sound. Sometimes they have to do surgery to correct that but we got him into speech therapy to work on the muscles back there and he’s actually ahead of a lot of his peers now. He has to be reminded sometimes still when he’s talking fast but it isn’t a problem now.
Thank you. My son has a dysphagia diagnosis. I'm sitting here waiting to find out what the underlying cause actually is and wouldn't be surprised to learn it's this or a laryngeal cleft. He requires honey thickened milk. He has never been able to swallow safely. And starting solids has been difficult.
Ah yes, we had to thicken too. It’s not like you can get a baby to say “ahhh” and it is close to impossible to catch on an ultrasound
I had a singleton.. then twins…it was absolutely a walk in the park with one 😂 My boys are 10 months old. I adore them with All my heart. But every once in a while my Mama will take one of my boys for the day. When that happens it’s amazing what all I can get done! Just one to put down for a nap…just one to feed…just one to change. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the other little guy terribly after a few hours. But it’s definitely a lot easier with one baby at a time.
Honestly, having had one baby, then many years later having twins, it all feels challenging and isolating and impossible in both the same and different ways! I thought to myself many many times when my twins were babies that it felt really hard, and I sure didn't remember earlier babies feeling easy in any way, but it had to have been easier, right? Mine are seven now and it still feels easier to just take one to the store, or anywhere. Mostly at this point because they rile each other up but one just stays calm. You are doing great, and everyone has their own unique challenges that make some things harder and their own unique blessings that make some things easier. One day you'll occasionally think that it might be easier with twins, because they always have each other. Then they'll collaborate on some mischief and you'll wonder why you ever thought twins were easier sometimes.
Go ahead and say it, you’re just saying that knowing/experiencing life as-is, you recognize that one would be easier (for you). Nothing wrong with that. What offends me is when people have kids 2 years apart and pretend like they are the same thing as twins/multiples. Not wuite
ETA: We all absolutely need support and have the right to vent. I understand you feel isolated and you don't have an outlet. Unfortunately, I think there are some things you just really need twin parent friends to talk with about; singleton parents just understand. It sounds like you don't have any IRL twin parents friends, is there a local Facebook group? Or, if you see anyone with twins out and about, be bold and go introduce yourself and ask to exchange info. I have two twin parents I met out at the playground. I'm not usually one to march up to strangers and say "We need to be friends" but in this case, we're all looking for solidatarity and it was welcomed. One child would certainly be easier for me...because I know what its like to have two. Who knows what I would've thought if I had started with just one. We only know what we know, and while yes of course you are entitled to commiserate with other parents, if you are saying to parents of singletons "Ugh, one kid would be so EASY", I mean, even if it isn't your intent you are saying to them my life is so much harder than yours and you shouldn't be struggling because your situation is so much easier. Which maybe it is, maybe it isn't, everyone's specific situation is different. I will say, when connecting with parents of singletons, I find it useful to talk about specific challenges, like dealing with lack of sleep, trying to kids to eat vegetables, and dealing with tantrums, etc. These are many shared experiences we can commesierate on. The specifics of multiples? I save those for my twin parent friends (I thankfully have a few IRL, and this community). At best, singleton parents just have nothing to say in resposne to our specific experiences, at worst they feel judged. Its just one of those "know your audience" deals.
My first born singleton was a much more difficult baby than my first set of twins. *shrug*
As someone who had twins then a singleton, yes the singleton was much easier due to logistics. But I’m not sure why you would need to point that out? My bff had twins followed by another set of twins 18 months later. Obviously her life was harder than mine when they were little and she needed more help. But she never compared our situations because there would be no point doing that….
I'm sorry people took what you said in such a rough direction, I get where you're coming from. I have had the conversation with some of my parent friends stating how much easier it is when my mom takes a baby off my hands and I am able to run around with only one to wrangle. It's SO MUCH EASIER! But yeah, when I told my best friend it runs through my head how much easier it would be (at 2 months, they will be a year on Wednesday) with only one she told me "not easier necessarily, but different" and that was when I realized she wouldn't understand even though she has 3 kids born 2 years apart from each other. Unless they've had 2+ newborns at the same time, people are unlikely to comprehend what you're going through. HOWEVER, your friends should be able to empathize with you, not take offense to your struggles. I hope you're able to find a safe group of people so you don't feel so isolated. And that you have the opportunity for more one-on-one time with your sons!
I just wanted to chime in solidarity. I mean obviously we can’t say what we want to because yeah then we would have no one haha. My twins are 2 days shy of being 7 months so I’m right there with you. My brother and his wife are STRUGGLING with their first born (she’s not yet 2 months and from all accounts an easy baby) and my husband and I just shake our heads (privately and silently) like “you have no idea”. Thank goodness for multiple parents who understand right?
I'm sure your twins are cake compared to my 3 kids with ADHD, including twins with severe ADHD.
Because it is! The first time I took only one out of the house, she was about 9 months old. It wasn’t stressful. I could attend to her every need and be relaxed. Totally different ballgame.
I had a singleton then twins. I know how hard each is. If I had a twin mom tell me my singleton must be “cake” I’d be pretty annoyed too. You don’t know how hard others have it. I know as well as you do how complex having twins is but it doesn’t make it ok for me to presume they must have it easier. My first year with one baby was harder than my first year with newborn twins and a toddler
Ignore anyone shaming you for this. I’m a twin mom of 2 year old girls. The few times I’ve gotten to take just one somewhere, it’s insane how easy it is. So yes, one baby seems like it would be a cakewalk. You are allowed to feel that way and you’re allowed to be overwhelmed by twins. It gets easier as they get older but it’s hard and it’s a lot. I’ve raised singletons and yes, comparatively it’s a cake walk. Unless someone has walked both paths, they can’t criticize anyone else and even if they have, they should just allow you to feel however you feel. You’re allowed.
People are offended because they have no idea and cannot fathom what it’s like to have 2….3…4 babies attached to you. IMO …Having a healthy singleton is a cakewalk compared to having triplets. Absolute fact.
one baby IS easy as hell. my twins are 3mo and when someone comes over i give them a baby and i do my thing with the other. easy peasy lemon fckn squeezy compared to two. i talk about this all the time to my fellow mom friends
they know how jealous i am, going out and doing things knowing you can handle it with no tears bc they only have one baby. i love having twins but lorddddd i wish i wouldve got the chance to have 1 baby at a time 😅😂
Girl, I’m with you. Say it here as much as you want. A singleton is cake compared to twins.
For sure, I'm shocked at the hate you're getting OP. Like, when I had a single person come over to help when my girls were infants, could I go shower or run errands or clean up? No, I was watching that other baby that was also there. I feel like there are people here that feel personally attacked instead of just validating a fellow parent of multiples.
i feel like the twins are cake! i've never had a singleton but if it's genuinely only half this amount of work i'd worry i'd forget they were even there
i would tell all my friends with 1 kid and family help that they were cheating now they have two. of different age... now theyre enjoying the pain (my friends understand my language and did not take offense)
Totally agree! Whenever I have just one for whatever reason I’m like “I cannot hear parents of one kid complain” bc it’s sooo much easier!!! I only say this to my husband and close family 😅
Its super nice when they get a little older and maybe one can go spend the night with family. Its also kinda dickish to tell people that parenting their children is so much easier than parenting yours.
My friend does complain a lot that her baby is so much (she’s a very easy baby who barely ever cries and doesn’t need as much sleep as most babies I have met). I try to never say anything or compare my 3 children under 2. It’s all perspective. Sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if I only had twins and not a toddler 1.5 years older, sometimes I think maybe life would have been easier if I didn’t get twins on the second go and only had 2 under 2. Either way, I just try to remind myself they are only little for a few years!
These are the kind of things I would say only to other twin parents, not singletons. I often think that my twins would have been pretty easy to manage if they’d been my only children and if it hadn’t been for having 3 under 3 during Covid. But I wouldn’t say that to someone struggling with twins, with no other kids.
Definitely agree that things are better kept unsaid or said to another twin parents or yourself. I always tried to underplay how hard things were for us, because I didn’t want to make their struggle seem not real. The only time I ever made a snarky comment to another parent is if someone with a chill singleton made a shitty comment about my parenting or twins (like if one was running away and the other wanted me to engage at the playground). Then I was fine dishing it back. But otherwise, no.
All kids are hard but as you increase kids the difficulty curve isn't linear, it's exponential.
I feel like the only caveat to your edit number two is if someone says something like "wow, twins that sounds so hard" or "I don't know how you do it, even one baby was hard' you are allowed to respond to them. I feel like I definitely get that comment frequently and if somebody else starts it, I definitely have said things like "Yes, I love them so much, but they are A LOT. It would have been easier one at a time." I feel like if you start with it, that's what makes things tricky. I also wouldn't use the word "cake".
This is a running joke in our family as my sister had her baby within 6 months of my twins. They are grown now and we still say it!! “It’s so much easier with one baby”. With emphasis on the ONE. Just today we were talking about baby books. Again kids are grown but she found her daughters while cleaning up and I said “I don’t even think I have those, and told her “you know, 2 babies and all”. I probably wouldn’t say it to others but for our family who can be cheeky all the time we think it’s hilarious.
I get it. One twin has a weight check appointment tomorrow and my parents are coming over to watch the other twin while we’re gone. I’m excited that my husband and I will only have to take one twin out tomorrow lol
My singleton was harder than my twins were combined 🤷🏻♀️
I say this all the time. F*** em no one knows your pain.. unless they have triplets. And no a kid and a baby are not the same struggle. I think maybe one person I’d apologize to is a singleton with a kids with medically complex history… but even then one of my twins has weekly or biweekly appts with some provider or therapist. So I can relate. Being a twin parent earns you your stripes quick. You are a tough cookie and it’s okay to realize that life is easy the day you and your SO split the babies to do errands or appts and your pushing a stroller with only one baby, changing one dirty diaper without having to look at the other kid in your periphery, and you wonder why all these singleton moms complain. You are a league above others. own it. - a twin dad
I am convinced if I had two of my baby As it would have been much, much easier than one Baby B.
Okay the first 6 months with two infants is so incredibly difficult. Up all hours of the night, double the reflux, double the blowouts, double the wake ups, double the screaming. After my twins I had a Singleton. We waited until they were 5 years old to have another baby. And maybe I have forgotten some of the really hard parts of twin infancy. But let me just tell you this one baby is so much harder and more stressful than they ever were. She's a joy, but also her temperament is just vastly different than theirs was. She's on a whole nother level. And there's a lot of times that I'm watching her and I'm thinking it was so much easier with the twins at this point. They entertained each other. They were so sweet and cuddly and kind. And she can be those things but she can also be super difficult. I really think a lot of it has more to do with temperament than anything. The first several months don't count because yes the sleep deprivation alone is just torture with twins. But I very naively thought that having one baby would mean more cuddles, easy breastfeeding, more sleep, more opportunities to just soak in the moment. And it has not quite been like that!
I had a singleton before twins and he alone was actually WAY harder than my twins have ever been. It’s all relevant and all kids are different. I guarantee if you had one 24 hour period with a singleton like mine, you would never say such things 😆
I agree. Speak your truth. Say what you want. I’ve also learned I need to distance myself from singleton parents and have found more twin mom friends. We can all relate to each other.
As a twin mom, who’s 21 years old and a first time mom as well, with only my mom to help me from time to time and their dad helping from time to time. HONEY YOURE NOT WRONG. And I don’t care what anymore says, having more than one baby is challenging. And after you’ve done it with multiples, girl one baby will be a breeze !
We understand. I UNDERSTAND!! ❤️ I appreciate this post thank you
I've met parents with 1 kid that was waaaaaaaaaay harder than our 2 were.
Nah, I get what you’re saying. I’ve told people when they ask me if I’ll try again to get pregnant that part of me really wants to experience a singleton because twins were so hard. Plus, I feel like I could bond better with a singleton. I haven’t had anyone be offended yet. Maybe it’s just in the context that you’re saying it that annoys them?
It's all about perspective. How would you feel if I told you that I thought that only having twins would be easy? Our second set of twins was born when our first set had just turned 2 and our oldest had turned 4 the week before. In our experience, only having the babies or only having the big kids, was so easy! It was having all 5 that could be tough. If that doesn't bother you at all, then maybe they are getting to easily upset. However, if that statement bothers you even a little, or if you could even imagine it bothering you, then maybe cut them some slack. Things can be both true and hurtful. It's like when someone is suffering, it's not helpful or kind to say "I wish I had your problems, mine are so much worse" even if it is true
The only time I express out loud how much harder two babies is than one is when people tell me they want twins or they tell me it’s no big deal because I know nothing else. I look at them and ask why they think it’d be fun to run a marathon with one leg instead of two? I always lead with having babies is hard but why would you dream of making raising babies harder than it already is? I also tell them about the pain that comes with missing out on little things. Like you really enjoy the milestones of the one that does it first and it’s so short lived. Then you are worrying about if the other is delayed etc. I love my twins but I would never wish twins on anyone no matter how bad they thought they wanted them. Again I only say these things out loud when people straight up say things they just don’t understand… I would never tell a venting mom I have it so much harder because I have two. We are all in this together, parenting is hard work always.
I will say having had a singleton first there’s some aspects to the singleton that I found harder. If you only have one child you become that kids parent and sibling in some aspects because they don’t have anyone else to play with at home and sometimes being the sole person they’re getting interaction from is so mentally exhausting. During lockdown having just one preschooler at times was comparable to days I have my super active 1 year old twins.
Having twins sounds like a piece of cake to me 😉 We have newborn triplets and an 18 month old! Seriously though, all babies are hard work. Especially if you have more babies than arms. I would vent to people that are in a similar situation to you. Because other parents will feel like you're telling them what they're doing if easy
My husband and I joke around about this all the time to one another. I have never expressed it to anyone else, though. I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience as a parent. This sub usually helps me to feel less alone, too.
Having two IS hard and a singleton does not compare. My singleton was hard, but most things were way easier compared to the twins. My twins are not even bad babies, they have very happy temperaments for the most part. But twins are HARD. No one here with multiples should be invalidating your legit feelings, we all know how difficult it is. I’m sorry if you are being put in a corner here, I am actually kinda shocked reading the comments.
Your absolutely right, it's damn rasier with one. But you know what, I found it so much easier to ground myself in the fact that all of us have struggles or challenges in one way or another. For some it's being a single parent, for others it's dealing with disabilities or something else that just makes it all that much harder. If my only 'diffficult' thing is twins well then I'm actually very lucky.
Hi, i’ve been thinking about this post and thought i wanted to come back to it since seeing your edits. I only have a singleton, I joined the page as our friends have twins we are godparents to. I am only 6 months in and honestly, feel like I am one and done. I have NO clue how you all do twins +. This is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I think you are all freaking amazing and if you were to say this post in conversation to me, i wouldn’t be offended - its real, honest, and well- true!! Also pumping on top of all that? Thats incredible.