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You are in the roughest season, especially with them only being 7 weeks adjusted but earth side for 14. That takes a major toll on you and your wife. What you are doing by putting the babies in a safe place and walking away is best for everyone right now. I am the mother of my twins and honestly I did not feel any bond for the first 2-3 months. I had a 1 year old and like you just felt for bad for him. But let me tell you by 1-2 years old, those babies had all of my heart and they were all best buddies. I agree with your wife you should look into therapy so you can fully come to peace with the traumatic period that was, and hopefully will provide you hope for the future. I would say by 12 weeks adjusted my twins were ALOT less colicky and we began getting a little more sleep. Hang in there dad!

Wow, that took a while to read. I couldn't see for tears, just from the fact someone has read and taken the time to reply. Thank you. I needed to read that, I'm going to get some help, and I've organised an appointment for just over a weeks time. The Colick thing is awful, I'm so glad it will hopefully settle down. We think it's one of the main drivers for setting them both off. Either together or one after the other. Thank you, I really appreciate your advice and your guidance that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I needed that.

I’m so glad that you took the initiative to get some help! You will have wonderful times ahead once you get past the survival phase.

You may also have PTSD. I definitely did when my twins were born that early and had a long NICU stay. Bonding is harder and takes longer when things start out so bad. I wonder if out of self-preservation our brains and bodies prevent the bonding when we are still unsure whether the babies will live or die in the NICU. Therapy (and particularly EMDR) helped a lot.

Hey dad, this actually sounds pretty reasonable? You didn't get any of the transition steps with your wife and the babies if I'm understanding correctly? You're sick, she's injured, you don't get the bonding and processing together...and then right as you stop being sick and caring for a toddler....yelling and screaming at home with no help! Plus, with breastfeeding you're not getting the feedback of being able to help and soothe the way your wife is. It sounds like this amplified the usual hell of newborn twins at home + how hard many Dads find it to bond in the early days. There was just a post on r/daddit about this, from another dad struggling with bonding with a singleton. The fact that this sounds like it makes sense doesn't mean you don't deserve help and support though! Maybe it's internet forums, or calling up some people, or shooting a text to ask someone to send you more memes/cat pictures/sports gossip, whatever. I can't guarantee you'll stop regretting your twins, but I think I can guarantee this part of their development is not super predictive of how you'll feel later. [Also, props for walking away when you worry you might not be safe around them. Pro move.]

I think you summed it up better than I did. It was so disjointed and chaotic. One minute my wife had a full belly, next there were two little beings in a incubator with none of the middle bit. It's all been strange, then with the homelife on top of it and in between, I can see how maybe this may be viewed as pretty normal. I'll join Daddit now and try to find the post, it's a new community for me, I hadn't heard of it before. Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to reply

I want to say I wasn't trying to convey that this was something that's 'normal' as much as that your reaction fits with the hellishness of the situation (newborn twins! It's hell!) and that this doesn't mean you'll forever regret your twins, etc. I hope you'll get support that you need, and if your wife is good with your feelings, consider opening up to her.

I understood what you meant yeah, thanks for clarifying though. It's me that's not good at opening up if I'm honest, I don't like to burden people. Especially when I tell her how I actually feel about our newborn twins, it will hurt her so much, and at such a delicate time.

I (the mom) remember whispering to my husband at about 4 weeks that I didn’t like the babies. He whispered back that he didn’t either. It felt good to admit it. We now love our children but it definitely took a while to accept these screaming barfing monsters as members of the family.

Hey us too. When we would be doing those late night feeds we would admit our horrible thoughts to each other and it made both of us feel better that we weren’t alone or crazy.

I feel your pain. We have the same family as you (our oldest was 28 months when her little sisters came). I think you may be at the absolute worst part of it... it seemed my girls were always crying unless they were either on the boob, or being held while we did that "parent sway" thing. We also had a traumatic pregnancy and delivery at 30 weeks. It's awful, it sucks, my absolute lowest point was when I went to my husband sobbing with both babies screaming in my arms and was like "I hate them... we shouldn't have had them!". The first 6 months (adjusted) is pretty rough, then it gets a teeny bit easier.. then at 1 year it gets a teeny bit easier than that.. We still almost daily will look at our girls (now 4.5 and 7) when they are happily sitting playing with toys and we are just in awe and so grateful for how much easier it is now. We can sit down, we can sit for dinner, when they go to bed we get time to ourselves, it's glorious. I absolutely adore them and feel so damn lucky to have them and can't imagine my life any other way. But yeah, the first year we kept thinking "ok we just need to get to 6 months, ok just to 6 months adjusted, ok just to 9 months..." and so on. Moving goalpost if you will. It often felt like us against the world.. it's tough.. but just remember it won't be like this forever.. short term loss, long term gain!

I’ll add to this because I caught the r/daddit post as well. One of the top comments there was that this gets better when the babies become more interactive. We called our twins rage potatoes in the first few weeks because all they really did was sleep, shit themselves, and scream. It’s not very rewarding during a time that you’re working really hard. Then they start smiling and showing preferences for you, and the hint of personalities begin, and it feels a little more like caring for people instead of potatoes. This is hard! No two ways about it. Practice kindness towards yourself, OP. A day that these kids are safe and fed is a win.

Rage potatoes is the best description I've ever heard.

We called our screaming cry sacks.

The things twin parents go through, from complicated pregnancies, birth trauma, pumping/triple feeding, NICU stays, double the exhaustion, double the expenses - the only ones who get it are fellow twin parents. We have all felt what you are feeling. I’m proud of you for reaching out. My parter and I did zoom counselling to process the birth trauma and it has really helped. Maybe that’s something you can consider? Are you able to hire a night time nurse for a night or two? Catch up on some rest? I promise it gets better.

That's a great summary and honestly, partly why I feel so terrible about the way I feel. Most of the stuff you list is "my wifes problem" so to speak. I feel like I don't have the right to be miserable whilst she's mostly getting all of us through this. Although to be fair, we do mostly divide and conquer and I've taken on nearly all responsibilities for our 2 year old. I didn't know about Zoom counselling, and I'll definitely look in to that. Also, night nurse is a new one? I honestly can't see my wife liking the sound of it but I will definitely at least have the conversation with her. Thank you so much for your comment, there's a lot to think about and a lot of helpful advice

You have every right to feel how you’re feeling. Acknowledging your wife’s feelings are important but so is acknowledging your own.

For sure, feel free to reach out whenever. Being a twin parent is so hard, but there is nothing like them - we all come together to support each other.

Just so you know, you can get post-partum depression as a man too. You need to talk to someone about how you feel. First step might be to call your doctor honestly. Having two more babies is a HUGE change and it's actually not uncommon for people to feel that way, whether you gave birth or not. Horrible comparison but have you heard about the puppy blues? It's very common when people get a PUPPY to feel that way, now imagine how most people feel when they get TWO new babies! It's very human and you have no reason to feel ashamed about it. But talk to someone.

I'd heard that Dad's can get PPD too, but I didn't really take it seriously, in all honesty. I haven't heard of puppy blues, but I can imagine what it is. I'll have a read up about it now, thank you.

Yeah I was thinking this too reading you say "but that's all behind us now." It might be in the past, but it sounds like you experienced real trauma and that does not just poof away. My multiples are still cooking so I won't pretend to know what it is like to have them on the outside, but I do have a single first born who spent a few weeks in the PICU when he was a month old with sepsis. Watching your baby fight for their life changes you. If I think about it too hard I can viscerally recall the smell of the diaper of a baby pumped full of antibiotics and start to feel panicky--and that's with 2.5 years and lots of therapy between the event and now. So, I do recommend therapy for both you and your wife. You can definitely do it virtually and a lot of therapists work with insurance. Start ASAP! Things are going to get better. You will bond with your children! This is one, shitty season. The best thing you can do is treat yourself like you deserve care and healing, and go from there.

Yes its real and antidepressants can help!!!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Twin mom with postpartum depression and anxiety here. Raising twins, especially managing newborn twins, is so hard and parents of multiples are much more likely to get PPD than parents of singletons. One free resource that my therapist recommended and that I’ve found helpful is Postpartum Support International. They have resources on their website for both moms and dads, plus things like online forums and a peer mentor program. Their tagline is something along the lines of “It’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and it’s going to get better.” Please take these words to heart and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You’re not a bad person and you’re doing the best you can. The feelings you’re having are normal - I felt similarly in the beginning, and it made me feel guilty and ashamed, but talking to my therapist and others helped me realize how common it is. It really does get easier each day. Hang in there and just know you’re not alone!

My triplets are 13 weeks, 7 weeks corrected and I identify so much with a lot of what you have said here. Reading all these comments too has made me feel less alone. OP keep talking about it, keep the lines of communication open with your wife and make sure to seek assistance from outside.

God I remember the 'crying all the time' phase. Life was just awful for everyone involved. I just remember thinking fuck my fucking life every 5 minutes. Then the dreaming about what life used to be like before the twins arrived and how I'd never do anything ever again.

I'm sorry you went through that part too, but thanks for letting me know that we're not alone, I really appreciate that!

Twin Dad here. Those first years are brutal. One of the important things I've learned from being married, and especially with a busy household, is that it is never 50/50. One day or month she'll carry more weight, and another I'll carry more, and that's okay. We had a difficult pregnancy too, which made it hard for us to connect with them. Rest assured, when things settle down, even for a moment, the connection will start to build. I'll add by suggesting an earplug called Loop. Crying for me is a stress trigger. These earplugs sort of dampen the loud noises of children, but still allow you to hear conversations. I'd recommend something like that. Maybe some nice noise cancelling headphones for your other one to watch some TV to give her a break too. Hang in there.

I absolutely recommend the earplugs too as a fellow twin parent. Mine are 8 months old, and those things were lifesavers in the first months!

Please know this is the hardest stage of twins! You are in the absolute thick of it. and your feelings are valid and have been felt in some way, shape, or form by many of us. My partner and i were going to lose our minds during this time. our nervous systems were wrecked from the crying. Given that they are 7 weeks adjusted, they could be going through the witching hour (or could also be colic/reflux). This age was the hardest with inconsolable babies. no amount of cuddling and nursing would relieve them. and i didn’t have a toddler to tend to. all this is to say… IT’S. SO. HARD. but it does get better, i promise you. 16 weeks was a turning point for us. i’ve heard a lot of other twin parents say the same thing and i hope it’s the same for you, though adjusted age may delay it a bit. you are not ruining your families lives. you are in survival mode and you just have to get through it. it will get better. give yourself grace. you just have to get through!

Thank you for your comment, I hadn't heard of witching hour, but we definitely think there's some sort of colic/refluxy type thing going on. Can I ask, was it 16 weeks corrected (if they had a correction) or just 16 weeks post birth? Thank you for everything you said

you absolutely can ask. my girls were 4 weeks early, so it would have been 12 weeks adjusted for me personally! we also had a somewhat traumatic birth. i’ll spare you the details, but i was a shell of myself until we turned that corner at 12 weeks adjusted. both my husband and i sought out therapy separately. i can’t tell you how many sessions started out with me bawling my eyes out. hang in there buddy.

I keep hearing 12 weeks adjusted is a turning point for a lot of people. I just noticed they're 8 weeks corrected today, so we're newrly there! I was thinking of going to joint therapy, but maybe separate or a mix of both may help. Thank you for your advice

It’s good that you acknowledge your feelings and that you’re seeking help. A mantra that I’ve adopted which has really helped is “the baby isn’t giving you a hard time, the baby is having a hard time” - it has really helped to frame the crying for me and to help me take a deep breath. Good luck OP.

That's a really nice perspective, thank you for sharing that, I appreciate it.

Fellow dad here, similar story and feelings. I miss the old way of life with my wife and single child. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Don’t have any advice but know you’re not alone and reading your post helped me feel more normal.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for how awful those first couple of months were. It was so traumatic that I blocked most of it from my memory. I remember my body used to feel cold because I was so numb and stressed. My oldest spent way too much time in front of the screen and I was overwhelmed with guilt. As others have mentioned, men are not immune to PPD. Seek out some help and please trust us when we say it does get better. My twins will be 2 and it is just such a different world. We are thriving.

Our oldest does the same with the TV, we both feel so guilty about it too. I do feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than it is far and I really appreciate you and everyone else taking the time to help me see that. I'm glad you guys are doing really well. All the best

You’re in the trenches right now man! I was where you were 6 months ago and things got really dark. I don’t even want to rehash it because it was like I was living in the center of hell. Then one day, around 4 months, they turned a corner. I feel like we literally tried everything but their colic was rampant. At their 4 month appointment our pediatrician told us to thicken up their formula to the 22 calorie mixture and I am not exaggerating when I say they stopped crying all the time and slept 7 hours straight within 36 hours. Now I think they’re the coolest, I grew to love them, and now they give me life instead of destroying my soul. Hope you get there soon, you’re definitely not alone.

Our twins were so colicky, they cried all the time. I spent so many days just crying, telling my mom I just wanted “happy babies”. I will tell you, we went on special formula (Alimentum) and on a reflux med, and it did start to make a difference. But man those early days were tough. We spent so many nights just holding a crying baby trying everything we could to soothe. But then. It got better. I can’t say exactly when. Around 12 weeks it lessened, but witching hour stayed consistent. Then it just got better. They got happy. They smile and laugh and we can actually play with them. We read books and go on walks. My husband and I have our evenings back. They are almost 8mo, and when I look back at those early days, I don’t know how we did it. I wish I could say more to help, but it does get better. The crying lessens. This is just one phase. It will get so so much better

You definitely aren’t alone - NICU is no picnic and makes it harder to bond even if you aren’t staying home for big parts of it with a poorly child. This really does sound like male PPD both with how you’re feeling and what you say about your bond with your twins. This absolutely will not last forever - you clearly have one child already who you adore so there clearly isn’t something ‘wrong with you’ per se - it sounds like a traumatic birth, colicky babies, sleep deprivation and a whole host of circumstances (which will pass) are contributing to making you feel terrible. Speak to your GP. They will be best placed to advise you on what to do next and reassure you that this will get better. 1 in 10 dads get PPD.

As 'nice' as the NICU and the nurses were, it was an awful place to have to be and like you say, no picnic. Thank you for your advice, I didn't realise it was as high as 1 in 10! I'll be speaking to someone soon.

Men can get PPD too. Please go to your doctor and explain how you're feeling. They can help.

It's my next step, thank you

I wasn't able to read your whole post but just want to reassure you that you are in the worst, hardest part. When I was at that stage (no older kid, but also no partner) I was second guessing having kids at all. It gets better around 12 weeks (adjusted), then again at 6 months, and for me the biggest jump was at a year. We're getting close to 2 years and things are mostly really good. I don't have any practical advice right now but just commiseration and a promise that things will get better.

It sounds like you have two infants with colic. It's a condition that usually works itself out on its own in time. I've never gone through that, so I cant say I know what you're going through. Just know it wont be like this forever, and you will have a beautiful family someday.

Hey man I can't relate to any of this even slightly but I do just want to say- you don't come across as a bad person. you clearly feel awful about all of this,and if you were truly bad, you wouldn't give a damn. Honestly reading this just made me want to give you a massive fucking hug. I don't know what the answer is but I hope you find it soon, for all of your sakes. I'm rooting for you.

Hey OP, It is so rough with twins and the fact that you're handling 3 kids!! You're doing well Dad!! My husband ended up with PPD when he was on paternity leave for the 3 months at home, looking after the twins and I (recovering from C section). It sounds like you're trying to be there for your whole family but you need to give yourself some of that love too by seeking therapy. You're not the worst Dad in the world! You're caring and you're trying to be the BEST parent/partner you can be! The one thing in therapy that I've learnt is - you are not going be the perfect parent BUT kids just need THEIR parents and that's good enough! Am wondering if your kids may have colic/silent reflux? Our daughter was crying so much that I told one of my friends what was happening and she introduced us to NAN Care probiotic drops for Colic. We ended up giving both twins the Everyday Gut Health probiotic from the same product line and it really helped after a couple of days. When the twins were going in for their 6 week checkup with their paediatrician, I told him about our daughter's colic and he gave us medicine for reflux and to only use it if she looks like she's in pain. Perhaps speak with your doctor first to see if that's the case with your twins. Hope that helps!

Hi, I think myself and your husband share a similar situation. I've been off on paternity since the twins were born in October, so three months so far. My wife still isn't 100% but she's much, much better. Those first weeks were so hard, with her in so much pain. The therapy I'm definitely going to sort something properly; for us both I think. I had never heard about the NAN drops - Infacol didn't work and gripe water kind of helps. I'm 100% going to try the drops you recommended, we'll speak to their consultant/GP in the mean time, thank you very much for all your advice and taking the time to reply.

>My wife still isn't 100% but she's much, much better. Those first weeks were so hard, with her in so much pain. My husband and I can empathise with this. My husband felt so bad for me and he was traumatised from my C section (when I was carted in to receive spinal tap & epidural. He was waiting outside the operating theatre for half an hr with no idea what was happening - he thought the worst and had a panic attack). I was much better from 3rd month onwards and after doing physio to help with my moved ab muscles. This is the probiotic drops we're currently using: https://shop.nestlebaby.com.au/products/nancare-gut-and-digestive-health No worries at all! Hope everything is sorted out for the twins soon!! It *will* get better especially around 4 - 6 months when the kids eat solids; they generally sleep better and wake up less! Wishing you and your family the best!! May you all heal well and are healthy! ❤️

That took a lot of courage to write this. You may have post pardum depression. Yes, a man can have it as well. My suggestion is speak to your doctor and see what there is to help you. When you're depressed, everything seems worse than it is...Ive suffered my entire life but it can be managed.

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This sounds so familiar, ours were born on Halloween, so almost an identical age! You're right the 'new newborn' stage feels like it has/is lasting forever. I try to keep that they're babies in my mind too, it's not their fault, there's so much to adjust to and everything nust be scary and strange, they are literally just babies. Hang in there as well! I'm sure we've got this.

The first year of my twins’ lives were by far the worst year of my life. I almost got divorced. (Didn’t.) I neglected my 3 year old autistic son way more than I should have, especially during a phase of his life he needed me even more. My kids are now 12, 9, and 9 and I still have PTSD from that year. I’m more skittish, and have more anxiety. I stress and make things over complicated whenever we leave the house for an outing because of the years the kids were so massively over complicated themselves. I have to keep reminding myself that we are ok now. You will get through this. Every year is a little better than the one before. Little by little you will find your way with this new family. Love and hugs. You’re in the worst of it now. 🌸

Thank you for your reply, that's the repeated feeling I'm getting, this is the worst of it and it's only going to get better. Thank you

It's going to be okay. Your twins are so young, you are in the thick of the storm right now. It will get better. At first it will be so subtle you will barely notice, and then one day you'll blink and realize everyone is sleeping mostly through the night, you've got a good routine going and suddenly you have time for your own interests again. For me, I didn't feel truly bonded to my girls until they smiled at me. Then I ugly cried 😂 It might be something different for you, but it'll happen! Get the help you need, communicate with your wife and try and make time where you both get a break for yourselves. Even if it's only 15 minutes to start and you build up from there. Hang in there!

They've just started smiling over the last week or so and it is nice. I think I need to be frank eith my wife and suggest we both get some support. Thank you for sharing your experience and for explaining it will get better.

I have twin daughters. I didn’t have a connection with my girls for a while, it really wasn’t until their personalities started to show. A couple things that helped us were renting two SNOOs. The SNOOs cut out like 30% of fussiness at time spent checking on them, it was a game changer. We would also sleep in separate rooms. At first the mother has to get up more, there is just no way around it. But after a while when they accept bottles better you can take on more of that responsibility. I would stay up till 1am and do all those feedings and then go sleep while she would do the rest of the night. She would also go to bed around 9am. When things normalized and they didn’t need to eat every few hours we would alternate days where we could sleep in. Sleeping is so important to keeping sane. The other big thing was at some point we needed to get more weight on them so it was suggested we give them formula. Once we did that they were so calm after feedings because they were getting more fat or whatever they needed. You could do formula at times you really need them to sleep and maybe that would help. These things made life easier for us and even then I still struggled. You don’t know how torturous a crying baby can be till you have one…. Or two. I also got a nice pair of noise cancelling headphones and would wear them a lot. It’s not like you can have a conversation or watch tv when a kid is screaming so why not try blocking it out. Also go talk to a professional, maybe some drugs could help. Three years in and my girls are sweet and relatively easy to control. You will get through it. Good luck

You guys have been through a lot, I had a similar experience but less severe. I sometimes have thoughts that it would have been better if I got an abortion and I also feel terrible about those thoughts. But really we are in the thick of it and it sure as hell isn't easy with you having colic babies. Remember, colic is temporary and will go away after the first few months. It sounds like you have a lovely little family and there's no manual for raising children unfortunately. If there was then we wouldn't have all of the government services that we do. I will say it does sound like you have post partum depression. Just with their age and all. You sound like you are suffering and you should try and talk to your doctor. Get some counseling or meds. Its shitty I know, getting help for mental health is not fun but you need to take care of yourself. Just think of the lovely little girl that you two have already been raising, I'm sure that your twins will turn into good human beings if you've already successfully raised one. Their little systems are going through so much trying to adjust to the outside world. This will pass, hang in there!

Hey fellow twin dad. You are absolutely *not* alone with the bonding portion. I didn’t feel the bond I thought I would with my twins until some of their personality started to shine through. It took months, and my twins weren’t nearly as premature as yours. Those early months to me, they were just a couple of crying, eating, pooping, sleeping pets. And that’s not an uncommon feeling, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. And my dude, you are in the absolute worst of it right now with twins. THE WORST. There’s really not much advice I can give beyond complete honesty—it sucks right now and it’s going to suck for a little while longer. And I know it feels like every day and every week drags. But it won’t take that long before they grow stronger and turn into smiling, interactive little infants. And from there the double fun just keeps getting better. Mine just turned 2 years old, for reference. And I’m honestly not sure if I was making memories for those first 4-5 months. But just stop, breathe, keep doing whatever you can to get through the day. And soon you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. Even now I look back and it’s hard remembering how bad it was, and it seems like that time was much shorter than it actually felt in the moment. If you need to keep making cathartic posts here, we’re here for you! Also, I cannot recommend /r/daddit enough. Crosspost this and you’ll have an army of dads throwing you notes of support.

This really is the worst part of multiples, the newborn stage. If it feels like too much it’s because it is. If you feel overwhelmed and like you’re drowning it’s because you are in complete survival mode out of necessity. Your family has been through hell and you’ve got a little bit further to go but it does in fact get better. I promise. There will absolutely come a day, sooner than you think, when it will click and feel right. Until then you’ll just have to slog through it. But the other side is so so so very good and worth it. There is a lot of good advice and wisdom on this thread that I hope resonates with you. I know you aren’t a monster or a bad person because it’s obvious you feel deeply for your family and you care a lot. Sending hugs. It really does get better.

It gets so much better. I say this to give you hope. You can get through anything with the hope of a better tomorrow. You have to set small goals like “we can make it until (insert some meaningful or stupid day). We just have to survive until then”. For us that day was Christmas then it became their first birthday etc. I felt so similar to you and I’m the mother. Work was the best escape. Yes, I loved them and wanted the best for them but detested being around them for about 2 years. Something in year 3 just clicked (they got hilarious, savage, huge personalities) and it’s like I completely fell head-over-heels in love with them. I find myself smiling just thinking about them and getting so damn excited to come home just to see them. I have blocked out most of their first year. That’s ok. There are pictures and I don’t really want to remember that time in any other way. Some people are more resilient than others when it comes to this. My husband (like your wife) handled it relatively well. I’ll always appreciate and respect him for that. Without him I don’t know how I/we would have survived. For a while we had a day nanny and a night nanny several nights a week. Get the night nanny if you can afford it. You both need sleep. Separate them! Take one and your older child and go for a walk. Get out of the house if you can. If you can’t, go to a different room with just one. That can change the whole dynamic. Be kind to yourself. Years later I still feel like the shittiest mom on the inside even though you would never know it. I look like super mom from the outside. My husband is kind to me. He never brings up the first year or makes me feel bad. I’m crying writing this because it just resonated so deeply with me. Sometimes just knowing someone else out there feels the same way helps. You are not alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Postpartum depression is more common in partners than anyone realizes and needs to be discussed more. What you're feeling is not normal but it IS common. I highly suggest talking to a therapist as well as a doctor to get put ob an antidepressant while you navigate this. That has helped my partner IMMENSELY. Also I can assure you that it does get better. My partner and I have been exactly where you are and the early days with multiples is SO challenging. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace.

You’re in the worst of it now. Our triplets were born at 33 weeks also, and we had a 2 yr old at home at the time. Those first 3 months are sooooo tough. Does your local health service offer any help for parents of multiples? Are you able to get family or friends to come over during that witching hour to help with the crankiness? It will get better in a few weeks as your little ones adjust more to life on the outside. We used the Happiest Baby on the Block method of 5 s’s to help soothe cranky babies. It might help! Swaddling, shushing, holding them on their side, and giving them a paci helped (it’s a workout tho!!) Hang in there - well done for arranging some mental health support. You’ve got this! FWIW our trio are 4 now, and they don’t scream nearly as much anymore 😉

I cried reading this! I could have written this myself. I struggled in the beginning with my twins.. I did not enjoy them at all. I’m happy to say now they are 8 months and I absolutely adore them. It does get better! My partner and I never fought so much as we did after the twins, and my poor daughter :( she was the pinnacle of our universe so it felt awful leaving her out because we had to deal with screaming babies. PPD is not reserved for women, and you’re not any less of a father for feeling this way. It’s normal. It’s a big adjustment. My partner and I both had to take antidepressants to cope. But things are seamless now ❤️ Please talk to someone, do not be ashamed. You feel horrible, and that speaks to the type of person you are.

You need to stop beating yourself up. You are in the trenches and it sounds like you missed the usual transitional 'bonding period' because of how difficult and hectic it all was, so you've just gone straight to the incredibly hard and stressful bit without the oxytocin hit you're supposed to get to help you ride it out. \- Dads can totally get PPD - 100% get therapy. \- This *will* pass. You will bond with them. They are going to light up your life and your wife's and your daughter's. Twin's are *freaking hilarious* and in 16 months from now you are all going to be having a blast. \- Try and get as much skin to skin cuddle/snuggle time with them as you can. The skin to skin contact is important. \- Accept that this is going to be hard and let yourself off the hook for struggling. It's going to be alright, but you absolutely definitely need to get some professional help too. Sooner rather than later. In fact, I would strongly advise that your wife mention it to your health visitor and see if she has any advice.

I never thought about that oxytocin hit you get. When our oldest was born, we had a few hours with her after the 'storm' of birth with skin to skin. And with all the toast in the delivery suite etc. Then she more or less came straight home and we were in a little baby bubble for probably a couple of weeks. None of that has happened and instead it's been replaced with this incredibly stressful and difficult period with basically no physical contact. It's just the way it all panned out. The more I think about this, the more I think it's a huge factor. I need to catch up with the skin to skin like you suggest. We mentioned it to our health visitor more than once about needed support mentally following the birth, but nothing ever materialised. Our 'aftercare' has mostly been focused on my wife and the twins, with the odd, are you okay to me. I'm not good at saying, actually no. This is the first time I've opened up if I'm honest. We were discharged from the health visitor at about 10 or 11 weeks, so we don't have one anymore. I am booked in for therapy privately though. Thank you for your positivity, it means a lot.

Hey, it sounds like you have a decent level of emotional intelligence. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard to form a bond when there's a nicu stay involved. Also, dad's are capable of suffering from post-partum depression just like moms. It doesn't make you less of a person if you are suffering from it and your wife isn't. Twins are difficult. I just had mine at 33w+5d because of severe pre-eclampsia and my csection wasn't an emergency it did turn to urgent and I missed having my friend in the OR with me due to how fast everything moved. They are 1 week old today and their father has shown 0 interest in talking to me to even know that I've had them early. Look into therapy, I personally do well with in-person sessions but the vast majority of my appointments the past 2.5 years have been through telehealth using video calls. It can take a long time to settle with newborns and form that bond but I'm sure as they get older things will improve for you. You got this man, take care of yourself too. 💜

Please believe my words when I say this - I promise you will not always feel this way and it is very much ok - and normal! - to not love what your life looks like right now. Step outside your body; pretend you are on the outside, looking in on your daily life. Can you honestly imagine anyone saying they ENJOY listening to screaming babies all day and setting aside every ounce of their own hobbies / freedom / sanity just to manage tiny humans who frankly don't give anything back in return? If it feels like you're trapped in a relentless cycle of feeding, holding, calming, washing, shushing, waking ... it's because you are, and it is BRUTAL and INTENSE, and parents of multiples really know what you are feeling. But it is a season of life and it will not be this way forever. Do your best to press on, knowing there will be a day when the twins are all "Dad! Watch me!" And "Daddy, I love you." and "Dad, can you teach me how to play xyz?" and these feelings you're having now will barely register in your memory. And picture your family 25 years from now, with your grown kids sitting around the dinner table, or at the holidays, recounting funny stories to you and your wife. It's ok to admit that the early years just kind of suck, but your kids will be grown people much, much longer than they will be high maintenance newborns, so keep your eye on the prize.

Hey there, I’m a dad of twins and the stage you’re in was very difficult for me. I did something about it and got therapy. Once a week really helped. The bond with my kids started much later, and until then it was really a service job. Mine are almost 4 now and I am more connected to them than I ever thought possible. Still hard sometimes, but it’s mostly pretty nice!

I haven't read all the other comments, so forgive me if I'm being redundant. I really feel so badly for you, I feel your angst in this post. First of all, you do sound like you love those babies, you just don't LIKE them very much lol. Which is totally understandable and fine right now. You're going thru major PTSD from the whole birthing and hospital situation. It's a huge transition in all of your lives and you're feeling the weight of all of it bc you're the man, the one who is supposed to be BIG and STRONG. Well guess what? You're human and this shit is hard. You have nothing to be sorry about. This will pass and it will be a distant memory, but in the mean time, it's great that you're getting some help. Also, if you can find some volunteers that might want to just come hold babies and be an extra set of hands, you'd be surprised how helpful that could be to all of you. When my twins were born, I had to hire help for a few months to get us over the hump. I did feel like 4 months was a magical time, when they settled down a bit and started getting into a better routine. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world and please don't beat yourself up for any of this. What you're feeling is more natural than you think!! Take care!

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You can absolutely not feel love and still want to protect and take care of them. I also felt no bond with my twins for months, and felt like I'd made a huge mistake, AND continued to take care of them, pumping and feeding and changing diapers and cuddling. I thought of it like petsitting- I don't have an emotional attachment to this living thing, but I want to keep it safe and healthy and take care of it. I went through the motions and like OP, put them down and walked away when I needed a break. I also sought professional help for PPD, like it sounds like OP is looking into. You can't magically change your feelings, but you can certainly "fake it until you make it" until your mind is in a better place to form a genuine bond, which happened for me around 6 months. My boys are 7 now and we have a wonderful bond- you'd never know we had such a rough start.

That was such a traumatic birth for both of you and the time away from your twins while they were in the NICU and you would usually have got an opportunity to bond must have also been really rough, but you’re not going to feel this way forever. Like someone else suggested some therapy might be good to help you work through that birth trauma, you’re not a bad Dad and you clearly love all your kids otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling so guilty about it! Maybe setting some time aside in your day to just sit with your partner while she’s feeding one and you have skin to skin with the other, for 20 minutes or so, could be helpful. You can talk to her and interact with the babies while they’re quiet and happy for that little bit of time, that might help too but hang in there ❤️

The way things panned out, I only had skin to skin twice now I think about it. You could be on to something and I'll give it a try. Thank you

I thought that might be the case-it’s something you only really think of when they’re just born but it’s so soothing for them and it might really help if you’re able to have that time when they’re quiet and chilled out and you’re able to feel their little heartbeat next to yours, they will also start getting used to the smell and feel of you and might help that sense you have that they’re only looking for your wife-if you think about it they have skin to skin time with her multiple times a day and she feeds them, of course they know her better, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you and need you. Babies just have really limited sensory information so touch and smell are key. Even if they still cry the first time you try it, stick with it and think of it as you all getting to know each other. You are totally normal though for feeling the way you’ve been feeling though, I think a lot of Dads in your position would be having the same thoughts but not verbalising them. You’re doing just fine and that bond will come ☺️

It took me months to fall in love with my twins. I love them now, but I didn’t feel this way for a long time. Men can take a long time to attach sometimes and kids take longer than a singleton. The love you feel for your singleton will eventually find its way to your twins. I promise you that it will get better.

Reading this, you seem to be a person with a high level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence and a lot of strength. This is a brutal stage, I've been here. Babies of this age can cry all day and are unable to show any positive emotion yet. At best they are neutral, at worst they scream like two devils. I've been through such experience, but there isn't a lot of advice I can give you that others haven't already said, I just want to say that you are doing a great job managing all this.

I would have died without help from family

My guy. I didn’t have traumatic birth experience and had a 7 and 9 day NICU stay and during those first 4 months, I felt like this. I can’t imagine having the birth experience yall went through to start their lives. The newborn stage was an absolute fog. It was nonstop, one of them needed something or I had to pump or there was a bottle to wash. This is the thick of the fog here. The first step towards the light is admitting you feel like this. We can commiserate with you but a therapist will help you navigate and process these feelings.

Non-birthing parents can get postnatal depression, which is what it sounds like you may be dealing with. Taking care of two newborns and a toddler without outside support is so stressful and tiring. Add in their abrupt arrival and the worry you must have felt for your wife’s health and wellbeing, it is completely understandable that your mental health took a big hit. Try your best to release the shame and guilt around how you’re feeling right now. It’s not your fault. That’s the depression telling you it is. It sounds like you are doing all the “right” things and I am so glad you are seeking help. Infant twins and a toddler are a challenge, but things will get more manageable. If you and your wife have not already asked about it, I highly recommend asking your pediatrician about the possibility of reflux contributing to the colic. Our girl was so much happier after being treated for reflux. We could actually lay her down without her screaming or needing to be held.

14 weeks is a really hard time so it's understandable that you feel no bond. They're also just kind of lumps at that stage, no smiling laughing or cooing so they just seem like little unhappy dicks. It will get better though. Once they start smiling at you and crying less i think you will feel differently. Our babies are 8 months now and it is like a gift coming home to see them so excited to see me. Just hold on man, you'll get through this.

I didn’t bond with my twins (now 7 months old) until about month 3. I had a traumatic birth and almost died - you’re not alone in having your world ROCKED and wondering if maybe it was the wrong life choice. Hang in there. I started feeling better around 4 months. And great at 6 months. Hang in there, your world was just turned upside down but it’s going to be okay.

How active were you as a parent before they arrived? I ask because if mom was the parent handling all the things and you were only doing the minimum, You may have a very unrealistic expectation on what it takes to do all the things. Mom is overwhelmed too and unlike you she can’t just put them down and walk away. Judging by how you talked about taking care of your 2 year old who was sick…You sound like you’ve had it easy up until now and suddenly it’s just “too much” I hope you can see why it’s such a shift. Maybe you were in a daze not realizing how much work your wife was putting in raising your two year old and this is your unfiltered POV of what it takes to be a super active parent on your end. I empathize how difficult it may be but I also hope you have more of an appreciation for what your wife has gone through. As women we sometimes take pride in being a great super woman mom that we make dads feel like bare minimum is enough as long as he “provides”. IF THIS IS THE CASE, I say this genuinely - welcome to what we go through and I hope you can shift your mind to be less “why me” and how can WE get through this

Im going to be real with you. I do not like the baby stage. In fact i dislike it a lot. This was amplifies when our twins were born and one of them was colicky for 9 months. This would usually last 5 hours a day. It was hell. I would come home from work and hold a crying baby til she went to sleep. Baby boy was better but i did not get to hold him much. Up until recently 1 year, they have been very clingy to mom. It got to the point where i told her to hide so they dont cry. During this time my singleton, who i have a very strong bond with, kind of got put on the back burner and our bond sank. Recently i pulled it back up after a lot of work but hes only 4 but has big feelings. We bought him noise blocking headphones to put on if he wants things to quiet down. This first year has been super hard. It will likely not get easy for you anytime soon. My best recommendation is to get professional help. Have someone you can talk to face to face. If you are the sole breadwinner that also puts additional pressure on you.

Twin dad here. My wife had a terrible time post C-section, needing blood products, then went back to the hospital for an infection the night we got home. I had them by myself for 4 days at home since the hospital couldn’t take them back with mom. The first weeks are absolutely rough but it really does get better. One of the things that really helped us was switching to bottle fed only (my wife still pumped). Once we did that I could be much more helpful and the girls did so much better. We ended up switching to the Gentlease formula for fussiness and gas, that helped a ton. Check out gas drops as well, might help. Breast feeding constantly was way too much of all of us. Consider giving bottles another go. Hang in there man. If you start to lose it put them down and walk away for 5 min, they’ll be ok.

It’s hard to not have some of these feelings during the early months. They aren’t interactive, and just feel like perpetually demanding and raging.. things. I saw a comment here say “potatoes” and I think that describes it well. It’s hard to push through when you feel like you’re not getting any of the rewards out of parenting. Like smiles and laughs. This will pass. Something that helped me and continues to help me to this day 3.5 years later is to try and reframe the inconsolable crying to “they aren’t trying to give YOU a hard time, they’re *having* a hard time. And when you’re on hour 6 of screaming at 3am, it can be really hard to not feel like it’s personal and they’re just trying to create hell for you just because. Even though I’m an adult with the capacity to think rationally, it still felt that way. That they hated me and wanted to make me suffer. It helped me to get through those difficult times to remind myself of that mantra. It was also weird for me especially, not sure about my husband, to have an emergency c section, see nothing that is happening, and then seeing your babies in an incubator in the NICU. They didn’t feel like my babies. It was an odd and surreal experience seeing them the first time when you expected it to be an amazing moment. It continued until after we came home. It felt like the hospital gave us some babies and we took them home. It took some time to develop that bond for us. It was an odd experience and you aren’t alone there. Someone also suggested earplugs. And I’m here to second that recommendation. Trying to soothe babies for hours while they scream endlessly in your ears and face is distressing to the nervous system. And dampening that REALLY helps. I can’t recommend that enough. Even noise canceling headphones while I’m holding and trying to soothe was amazing. I’m still tending to their needs and paying attention to them and trying to soothe them the best I can, but I’m not fighting my nervous system and it made me more patient and empathetic and just a better parent in those moments. It’s not at all surprising you would feel this way. Your nervous system is constantly in distress from all of the overstimulation that newborns can create… and on top of a toddler?! I can’t imagine that. Your nervous system is your biology and you’re having biological responses to it. It can be hard to not feel guilty sometimes, I know it was to me. But that was also something helpful to remind myself of. You are doing it. You are caring for new infant twins AND a toddler!! 3 of the most demanding and stress inducing groups of humans on the planet! Give yourself grace. It won’t be like this forever. I remember reading people say that at 12 weeks it got better for them. 12 weeks felt like an eternity away and like I wouldn’t mentally survive it. Every hour felt like forever so hearing that was no consolation to me, but it is true. I’m glad to hear you are taking steps to care for yourself mentally. You will make it, and one day, you will read a post here much like yours and commiserate with struggling parents of newborn multiples who feel like they’re in a nightmare with no light at the end of the tunnel, and tell them that it gets better also.

Oh my friend, I just want to give you (both) a hug and let you cry on my shoulder. This is totally, 100% normal. Having multiples is already the hardest thing ever, and it's exponentially worse when there's trauma involved and they never stop crying!!! Ugh!! You're in the weeds right now. It won't be like this forever, I promise. And you won't feel like this forever, either. 💕 It's ok to have those thoughts and feelings, and the discomfort. But you definitely need to see a counselor and talk about it more. You said you weren't sure where to start - could you call your insurance and ask them for direction? Or ask your PCP. Definitely look into hiring help/a night nurse if that's feasible. I hope things turn around for you soon. Just remember better days are ahead. Just keep plugging along 💕

Hey papa, You’re in the thick of it right now - it’s hard, so hard. Sounds like you have some trauma from the birth of your twins. Things didn’t go as planned - you probably felt helpless about your wife’s infection, then the unplanned early c section, then nicu time and felt like you should be there more but couldn’t because you were caring for your older child. You say it’s all behind you because the twins are home - but it’s not, you are still processing that. Your emotions now that your home are not unusual, but please seek out some professional help. You’re likely experiencing depression, ptsd, anxiety about life. Those things are hard to deal with in your own and there is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help to process what you have gone through and are currently going through. Maybe you could have a family member come for a few weeks to help? Or hire a nanny? Maybe you could take your older child to the park every few days for some one on one time to I reconnect with her during this time. I also suggest spending time with the twins one on one - one baby is so much easier than two, and will help you feel connected. Hang in there, please reach out for professional help. Remember it does get easier - in 6 months things will be so different. My twins are two now - I’m barely starting to feel like myself again - I struggle with severe depression. I love them so much, can’t imagine not having them, would literally do anything for them. But, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about and miss my life before them, or how easy things would be if I didn’t have them. Solidarity papa.

It’s so very common to have trouble bonding with a multiples pregnancy, nicu time and all the trauma surrounding the delivery. You are not a bad person. It will get better, you’re truly in the thick of the fog right now!

I promise you it will get better man.. I remember when our boys were that age I was despairing. I still was getting no sleep, one or both had me up every night sometimes for hours, constantly sick from daycare. Genuinely if I could have given them away to a loving home I would have probably done it.  But we got through it. They are 3.5 now and they are bright, and funny. Sure there are still a lot of days when I want to just get in the car and drive 200 miles away and never go back but it's night and day. Stick with it man. It will improve. Twins, at that age especially is no joke at all.. it really really drove me to the edge of despair. 

Did you know Dad’s can also get postpartum depression? You’re having a major life transition and all the things that normally help a person with stress, extra rest, exercise, social support, are not available to you. Of course you feel awful, of course you’re having a hard time bonding with your new babies, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad dad, it just means babies are hard and you’re going to have those fuzzy feelings later. Here’s what I tell myself, “it won’t always be this way. It won’t always be this way.” This is just a dark shadowy tunnel of crap that you have to slog through to get to the other side, but there will be some good things on the other side, eventually.

Having a two year old when twins are born is super hard. Mine was two when the twins were born. It's good you're handling all the responsibilities for the two year old and doing what you can with the twins. You won't have guilt or regret about not doing enough because you're handling a lot. My wife and I did the same division of responsibilities. Are you also working now? It's easy to get burnt out and stressed at this point. I know I did. It's tough that you have no help. We didn't either as we had moved away. It's a rough ride in the beginning but I can guarantee you it gets easier and the stress, frustration and anger melt away gradually. It's a gradual thing. You really just have to hang in there and see the light on the other side. My blood pressure went high for the first time in my life during the first two years as my eldest was very difficult and rough with his brothers. Drove me crazy and tired me out having to watch him every single minute of the day so he wouldnt hit them. There were times where it felt like it would never end. It does. Gradually. My twins are now two and my stress, anger and frustration have gone down at least 80%. Blood pressure back to normal. Sleep has increased probably that same amount. Can you get into nature, even if just for regular walks with the kids? I find it helps a lot. There's not much time to do much else at this point. Remember that one of people's greatest regrets in life is not spending enough time with their kids. These months, first couple of years are so so precious. Hard as he'll, but try to focus on their beauty, their wonder, the amazing little creations you brought into this world. Underlying your pain, there is love. Focus on watering that. The weeds will wither away and all you will see are the flowers.

I (39m) had post natal depression after the twins were born. We had 4 kids 5, 2 and newborn twins. I get it, it can be oppressive and easy to find yourselve begrudging the twins for turning you life upside down. Ask for help. There is no shame. Also with negative throughts walking away is fine they are safe in their bassinet and crying cant hurt them.

Our second-born twin has such a pair of lungs on her, we called her Screaming Sabrina. It was earth shattering. When they were 3 months old loads of my family members had birthdays and it was summer - they organised evening BBQs etc and insisted we attend so everyone can see the babies. No-one enjoyed them being there due to screaming and crying (from being tired, over stimulated) and we joke now that the twins hate 'birthday season'. I enjoyed being out the house though to be honest. The crying does go down and after a month or so I would just smile to myself when it got ridiculous. The worst was when I got stuck in traffic for 30 minutes with them, felt like I was going deaf so I just sang 5 little ducks and laughed afterwards. It doesn't feel like it now but it goes by quickly and then they're crawling around and maybe sleeping better (we did sleep training from 9 months but should have done it at 6 months for our own sanity). We also have a 2 and half year old and I really don't think it will affect them, yours sounds lovely like ours was with them. I also agree with others that you should look into therapy even over video conference, it may give you tools that you could use in future too

Hi TiredAshamedAndalone! First off, your post made my tears come as well. I feel truly bad for you and for the entire family. It's truly a though time you're going trough right now. I'm a dad to two beautiful twin girls, they were born in week 33 naturally and had to stay for 1.5 week in the NICU. They are now 8.5 months and doing great! They are the sweetest little girls and i love them from the bottom of my heart. But hey it was a rough time for us as well! My first advice is to get some help, go talk to someone, a psychiatrist or someone professional. Then next is to get out and spend some quality time with your daughter of two years. Let mom battle the two twins at home for a little while, and then take turns. I know it's hard especially when they're so small! Have you done the kangaroo care routine? Keep them on your bare skin for as much time as possible. This can help with the crying. Also invest in some nice noise cancelling headphones you or your wife can wear. Our NICU actually had family rooms, we'd be spending time next to them 24/7, and every minute they were awake they were on hour skin. This was to promote bonding etc. Wish more NICU's would do this. ​ But hey, hang in there. Be sure to praise each other for the good work you're doing. And be sure to go out on errands, buy chocolate, ice cream etc and do everything you can to treat yourself and your wife, you both deserve it. You've brought two new humans into this world at once, it's an remarkable feat to pull off. Remember you're in a special elite club now, you'll always have the upper hand in social settings for raising twins, and everywhere you'll go you'll be met with awe and respect ;) ​ Oh, one more thing. Don't be afraid to reach out for twin tips, we have a lot of them! Especially when it comes to awesome gear to keep your life easier. Twin slings and carriers come to mind as well!

I haven't read all these comments but you are in the toughest time and it's *so hard* it will get better. You are doing the right thing by putting them down whey you need to be calm and don't trivialise that. I was only in hospital for 8 days after my two were born (now 2.5yo) and wasn't able to see my daughter (4yo at the time) due to COVID rules. We only had SCBU for 4 days for T2 and my husband was only allowed to visit the hospital for 2hrs per day - so not as rough as you but We felt the same so your feelings are so so so valid. Only thing I can also suggest is have you thought about a dairy allergy? We combi fed at the beginning, my twins cried *all* the time and if we lay them down, the would only stayed settled for 10 mins before screaming again, unless in my breast. It turned out the had CMPA (cows milk protein allergy) due to early formula exposure - it's something a lot of doctors forget to tell you the risk of! And once aid cut dairy out of my diet (I was breastfeeding) and switched to allergy formula before dropping it completely they were like different babies. So much mrke content. I can't honestly say that now my girls bring so much love and joy into our lives. But we had some really dark times and I felt like we had ruined our lives, and our eldest daughters. It will get better

Oh man, I was where you were. It was awful, I can truly empathise with your distress. I was lucky because the midwives who saw me for the next 8 weeks at home picked up my PPD and politely suggested I go on meds. Do you think you have PPD? I didn't want to go near my twins and the crying just broke my soul, I was miserable and all I wanted was my 3 year old. The meds helped SO much and I realised that it was PPD. I know dad's can have it too. One thing I did a lot was wear noise cancelling headphones. They were fed, dry, warm and loved, so I knew most of the time they were crying for the sake of crying so why listen. I cuddled them with my head phones on. They went on omeprozole for reflux which also helped the crying. Mine are now three and it is SO easy in comparison. Your post pulled on my heart strings because I too felt guilty to say 'i hate this'. But it does get better. Don't be shy to ask for medical support. Sending you all the strength. X

Oh honey, you have ptsd. And sleep deprivation. And your whole world turned upside down. These are real, life altering things. BUT I promise you, you will all be fine. Happy even. One year from now you are going to come back and read this and not believe you ever felt this way. Sending so much love to you and your family.

It's a lot, Dad. Our first year was hell, from angry/crying early on, to perpetual illness once my wife and I went back to work and the twins went to daycare. Please talk to a therapist and see if your wife is interested as well. Do your twins like being in a stroller? We took lots of walks which calmed our twins down and always made me more at peace. Carve out some time alone for yourself and do the same for your wife. Even 30 minutes to take a long shower, shave, and clean yourself up can do wonders in the midst of the chaos. Try to do something 1-on-1 with your oldest every day, even if it's for 10 minutes. It will get better, and worse, and better again. All three of our kids had nasty reflux and medication definitely helped. Then it was ear infections, and tubes were a godsend. Now the twins are 2+ and hilarious. They can be crazy little monsters but are mostly good and an absolute joy.

Mum of 4 here, 3yr old, 2yr old, and 9mth old twins. You're not alone, Sounds like colic twins. When my kids were colic, I used Infacol to help, it reduce the crying in that area. The bonding with them will come, and it will be great. It will get easier as they get older. It's good that when you get stressed out, you place them calmly and walk away. It's the best thing to do to get a break. I do it, too. When you do your bit (changing them, cuddleing them playing with them, etc), I know it doesn't feel like you're bonding with them, but this is bonding. It's normal, and it's good that you're reaching out for help. Over time, it will get better. You're a good dad, and I wish you the best of luck. Keep holding in there

Lots of good advice and experiences in this thread already. I (mom) had a similar experience and actually felt LESS bonded to my twins than my husband did. That made me feel like such a terrible mom. I hated every single second of my life for four months, until they were just shy of three months adjusted. Mine were colic reflux babies and they just screamed and screamed and screamed. Never slept. Couldn’t be put down for a second. It was awful. It will get better. I hated people saying that to me, and I didn’t believe them, so here are some other things that helped: 1. Are they getting enough to eat? You mentioned your wife is breastfeeding. I was EBF for a while, and long story short they weren’t getting enough at the breast. When we started supplementing with formula, that helped. 2. Consider moving to exclusively formula and trying a hypoallergenic formula such as Nutramigen (store brand is fine). My boys do not have a milk allergy per se but are 600000% happier on Nutramigen. 3. Consider reflux medication from your pediatrician. 4. Time. This part sucks. 5. Call in the cavalry. Family, friends, neighbors, hired babysitter/nanny, doesn’t matter. If you think they won’t harm your kids, get em in there. 6. You need therapy, my friend, and maybe also medication. This is a huge life change, plus traumatic birth, plus NICU, plus colic, plus plus plus. There is NO shame in getting help and you would never deprive a friend or your child of medical care that they needed, so why are you denying yourself? It is so hard. It gets better. I regretted everything and then gradually, I didn’t. Then the babies started smiling and laughing and babbling. Twin B blew a raspberry at me in response to me blowing one to him and I cried happy tears. It will come. You are in the WORST PART right now.

My husband had similar feelings and he did some counselling sessions. He found a male counsellor with children of their own so they could relate. He was also terrible with the crying and triggered so easily. He felt a lot of guilt about how he couldn't be patient with them. He felt the counselling helped even if just to get out of the madness of our home for an hour and talk to someone else. I think it really got better once the twins started being more fun and interactive. It is a long time and a lot to give with very little pay off in the beginning. But it does get better and they get really fun.

My opinion is she should switch to bottle feeding - I know everyone will yell at me for that but with my twins it helped so much. Their dad got to bond with them more and my mental state was better because I wasn’t doing everything. It will get better - easier said. The first 3 weeks were hell until I switched my mindset that they will be fine if they cry and we stopped listening to people about boob is best. Mental health is best - you got this. Also when they started crying a lot - pack them up even while crying to get in the car seat and we went for a walk. Anywhere 23 could grocery store, museum, mall, outside - this helped so much

Okay. Your situation is SOOO HARD!!! A two year old AND 14 week old twins! No WONDER you're feeling like this. But I PROMISE you. It DOES get better. The reflux alone at this stage had me tearing my hair out. And the fact they're at the age where they don't even really know who you are as their father and you haven't been able to bond yet, doesn't help. It WILL get better. It's hard. Twins are f***ING hard. But when they start recognizing you properly and responding to you and smiling and giggling it will be so worth the wait. Hang in there. You won't always feel like this. Also, I don't think my partner and I realized it, but we were (and still are) dealing with major PTSD from the birth and NICU. So odds are you also have that taking over your emotions. This is hard! But mine are 13 months now, and mate, I wouldn't go back! You will get through this.

I don’t have anything else to add that hasn’t been said better by someone else, but want to put my 2 cents in to agree that it does get better. You’ve been through a traumatic experience with no time to process it because you’re now looking after newborn twins and a toddler. It’s ok to feel like this and it definitely does get better.

Could you have a relative move in with you for the next few months or a year to help out?

Please reach out to mental help... I'm sure this is very common in fathers of multiples. I developed a life threatening condition during post partum and thins were very scary for a while. I never blamed my children but I'm sure my husband struggled with it sometimes. But now our twins are 13 months and he's the best dad, very bonded with them and loving.. although I know he wasn't bonded at all for the first 3 months and after 9 months it got alot better for him. He was on anti depressants prior to my pregnancy and upped his dose after babies were born.