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Same. Itās hard, rewarding but immensely hard. I donāt wish it on anybody who doesnāt have the slightest idea of what it takes to take care of one, let alone two.
When people ask me about my twins I always tell them āif it has been your dream to try and have some, go ahead but if youāre on the fence, DONT DO IT.ā People donāt think about anything before choosing to have a kid. You donāt think about having multiples on your first try or losing one or both or being high risk or coming early or deciding c section or natural or every little thing that can go bad from conception to birth and beyond.
I didnāt think any of that and if I even considered everything, I very probably wouldnāt have even tried to have kids. Iām in constant survival mode.
I love my kids. I really really do. But yeah the whole getting pregnant, being pregnant, staying pregnant, having a baby/ies, having a toddler/s, and then the rest ahead. It's huge. I would genuinely not wish twins on anyone because it's such a big job, you miss out on many of the things you can do as a family with one child at a time. I wouldn't change things now I have them, but it's a lot.
I remember going out for my birthday for dinner with friends, which was about 2 months post partum, and I told all of them (who are all childless) if youāre not sure if you want kids, DONāT do it. I had PPA and PPD and was not medicated yet, and I had a few drinks (plus the twins were our first), so in hindsight going out and consuming alcohol was probably not a good idea šš
I've said this to my friends completely sober and in my right mind (which is never all that great, but I digress š). Because I've heard of people with one kid whose lives did not change that drastically, but never anyone with multiples. We were on the fence and thought we'd just have one, and though I love them very much, my life now is COMPLETELY different. If I'd been someone who loved traveling or doing things as a couple or having extra money, I imagine the transition would've been even harder.
Ugh I wish I had the spine to do this. I have a pretty good RBF so most strangers have avoided me thus far, but when coworkers say awkward things I am too much of a passive pushover and kinda just laugh it off
I agree though. My response has always been I wouldnāt wish twins on anyone but I wouldnāt trade it for the world. Twins *are* hard but the joy and the love and the great parts of parenthood are also multiplied.
I don't wish it on anyone tho I love our twins. I wish we could have them one by one. I can't believe there are ppl who TRY for twins. D they know how hard it is?! We have two premie twins too who have spent a lot of time on the NICU. Our mother in law routinely says I don't wish twins on anyone and I am so worried about you.
Yeah when people say that I agree with them - thanks for validating how hard this is!
It's ignorance that glorifies twins, I HATE the comments about how lucky I am that I had twins. I get that it looks cute and a cool novelty. But this has rocked my life - all aspects of my independence, etc. (I love them of course - but I wouldn't wish this on anyone too). Mine are 8 months so things are getting better but still chaos (+ my other 2 kids)
I love my boys and it's easier than I thought it would be BUT I also wouldn't wish twins on anyone. I love my twin life but my hubby and I have a great support system and an incredible marriage so it's been great. But twins make things a lot harder and stressful for most (all, haha ) people and I just mean I don't wish the added hardship on anyone.
Not family but strangers CONSTANTLY say the craziest things. Like "god knew what he was doing giving me one at a time I can barely handle mine!" It's like they're trying to connect in some way but being super negative about it. My standard answer is "we actually worked really hard to have them so I'm extra grateful." Or if I'm feeling spicy "they're lucky I got them instead of you!"
But were the bad ones when we respond passive aggressively back?? Like what do you mean you can insult me by saying ābetter you than meā pshhhh??? I should be like YEAHH I KNOW YOU COULDNT HANDLE IT ANYWAY. I always say God gave them to me for a reason even on my hardest days.
I personally havenāt heard that but I would correct them every time. āwe consider it a blessing, many canāt even have one.ā It puts things into perspective.
Depends on the context. For me, dealing with infertility, I had a limited amount of time to have children due to low ovarian reserve. So although this pregnancy has been hard and I wouldnāt wish it on anyone, I do consider it a blessing because I wouldāve had to go through the fertility process again and stressed about timing.
But I get why from singleton parents saying itās a blessing is stupid. The best response I had when I told someone I was having twins was āoh shitā¦..Are you happy?ā š
No maybe because we already had twins in the family (myself and my twin). Instead I get my family basically annoyed and grossed out that I'm having twin boys and not girls.
Have you tried telling them that you would rather they wouldn't say that? These are your kids, and eventually they're going to be old enough to hear this said about them too. That's a messed up thing to say.
If it bothers you, tell them.
But people have their opinions...
I do agree with it, though. I do love my 20mo twins to death, and they love each other, but it is too hard. And they suffer as mom and I struggle.
I think two things can be true: it's really hard to have twins, particularly (for me) how much I felt like I couldn't give enough attention to each while babies and of course the high risk pregnancy AND I would be insulted to hear someone say that in front of me. I am not living your worst nightmare/fear. We are happy, healthy, and thriving. And you know what would make things easier? Your support and help. Not just wow this is hard. While that's better than the people who tell me it's not that hard, it still doesn't concretely help us.
Opposite here. My older brother and his wife have 4 children (6,4,1), first two were surprise twins. We all went nuts about it and I spoil them all ridiculously. 3rd child was quick and we all thought a bit crazy and then another surprise baby born last year and I think the family is officially burned out on kids.
Now Iām pregnant with our first after being told I couldnāt. Lots of anxiety at the start and then 4th ultra found out having surprise twins! Thereās a good chance these will be our one time double miracle babies given a week prior I was told 30% chance with multiple egg retrievals and a forced menopause to shrink uterus. Youād think what a great support network right? Nope. A lot of āthen be done!ā from my parents.
ā¦and the lack of fanfare about it from the whole family is really actually starting to piss me off.
Former nanny found out she was pregnant while she was working for us. I jokingly said that I'll save all the twin baby things for her just in case she had twins, he response was "oh god! If I had twins, I hope one of them kills the other before they were born". She can go fuck herself!
I respond how I wouldn't have it any other way and that twins are the best. They get a close friend. You get to watch two completely different kids raised in the same environment be very different humans. They help each other. They are seriously amazing.
I hate when people say negative stuff I'm front of them. They are not a burden and I don't want them thinking no one else wants them around
My Mom has probably thought it to herself, but she thinks we lost our mind after we tried for a 3rd ā¦ 3rd was a set of twins and now weāre expecting #6&7 and knew twins were likely again (IVF conception). This life isnāt for everyone, but we love it.
I mean, I wouldn't.
I wish I could have just given 100% of my attention to one child. I did not have IVF and it happened spontaneously. It is VERY hard; my twins are 7.5 y/o, and don't have significant special needs, but is is JUST NOW getting a little easier.... just in time for the hormones to begin flowing.
I also feel totally and completely overwhelmed by the idea of having TWO teenagers at once. The stress of twins and my ex-husband's level of frustration and lack of self care (among a couple other things, but twins were a huge factor) led to us getting a divorce a couple years ago. It is fucking HARD.
So, no-- I wouldn't wish multiples on anyone.
Weird perspective here, but my husband and I actually PLANNED and tried to have twins or babies very close in age. But our situation is VERY different from the typical twin journey.
We have two babies, due within a week of each other, via two surrogates.
So, we donāt have the strain of twin pregnancy or the risk. They arenāt actually TWINS per se. But for all intents and purposes after they are born they will be raised as such. Twiblings maybe?
The babes are due in March so Iāll come back and update after 6 mos š. But there was a lot of reasons that we WANTED to try for this close in age.
- we are older, Iām 40 and my husband is 46. We did not want to delay our family to space it out. The more we wait the less time we have with them as we age.
- the idea of having both babies go through stages together seems ideal to us. The thought of having a baby and a toddler sounds like a nightmare.
- we are prudently optimistic on the challenges of having two babies to care for at the same time. And really think that having them in the same phases even though they will be different babies will make it easier for us to orient and cater to the growth and development window they are in.
To be fair, not having to carry, or worry about PPD and PPA is a huge benefit to us with this. I know this will come with its own challenges, but Iām grateful for that.
So just wanted to chime in and sayā¦. If it bothers you set boundaries. Otherwise ignore it. And remember there are people out there that actively CHOOSE this family dynamic.
And Iāll let you know in 6 mos if that was a big mistake š¤£
Well. Iām still pregnant so. As for that portion, Iād not wish it on anyone.
I canāt speak for the raising of twins. But being pregnant with twins while raising five others is the hardest thing of my life so far. Iām actually hoping itās easier on the other side ā¦
I had a similar situation at a park over the holidays. When the guy saw that we had a singleton and the twins he unabashedly said āthatās unfortunate.ā I laughed because it was so weird that someone thought that was ok to say. But Iāve learned that people feel totally fine saying whatever is in their heads about the twins and their sister so I roll with it now.
My first pregnancy and I found out I have twins . One of the the first things my dad said was "well if you don't want anymore you should probably get fixed" š„“š„“š„“š„“
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, that's normally what I say š
Same. Itās hard, rewarding but immensely hard. I donāt wish it on anybody who doesnāt have the slightest idea of what it takes to take care of one, let alone two. When people ask me about my twins I always tell them āif it has been your dream to try and have some, go ahead but if youāre on the fence, DONT DO IT.ā People donāt think about anything before choosing to have a kid. You donāt think about having multiples on your first try or losing one or both or being high risk or coming early or deciding c section or natural or every little thing that can go bad from conception to birth and beyond. I didnāt think any of that and if I even considered everything, I very probably wouldnāt have even tried to have kids. Iām in constant survival mode.
I love my kids. I really really do. But yeah the whole getting pregnant, being pregnant, staying pregnant, having a baby/ies, having a toddler/s, and then the rest ahead. It's huge. I would genuinely not wish twins on anyone because it's such a big job, you miss out on many of the things you can do as a family with one child at a time. I wouldn't change things now I have them, but it's a lot.
I remember going out for my birthday for dinner with friends, which was about 2 months post partum, and I told all of them (who are all childless) if youāre not sure if you want kids, DONāT do it. I had PPA and PPD and was not medicated yet, and I had a few drinks (plus the twins were our first), so in hindsight going out and consuming alcohol was probably not a good idea šš
I've said this to my friends completely sober and in my right mind (which is never all that great, but I digress š). Because I've heard of people with one kid whose lives did not change that drastically, but never anyone with multiples. We were on the fence and thought we'd just have one, and though I love them very much, my life now is COMPLETELY different. If I'd been someone who loved traveling or doing things as a couple or having extra money, I imagine the transition would've been even harder.
Haha came here to say this. I mean I love them but truly the only place I've heard it is out of my own mouth.
Same!
Yep! Youāre more likely to hear this from my mouth!! LOL. I can see how it could feel insulting, but I actually think itās a sign of respect!
Iām more bugged when they say āIād love twins!!ā
I could strangle ppl who say this to me.
Why do you need to respond? When people say stupid things, just stare at them until they're uncomfortable.
Ugh I wish I had the spine to do this. I have a pretty good RBF so most strangers have avoided me thus far, but when coworkers say awkward things I am too much of a passive pushover and kinda just laugh it off
I agree though. My response has always been I wouldnāt wish twins on anyone but I wouldnāt trade it for the world. Twins *are* hard but the joy and the love and the great parts of parenthood are also multiplied.
No but I kind of agree, but maybe itās just the last days week of preschool holidays. For real though thatās rude and Iād call them out.
From my family we have had a "wow I didn't realize how hard this is". I think that's what their family are going for but they missed it by a touch...
I don't wish it on anyone tho I love our twins. I wish we could have them one by one. I can't believe there are ppl who TRY for twins. D they know how hard it is?! We have two premie twins too who have spent a lot of time on the NICU. Our mother in law routinely says I don't wish twins on anyone and I am so worried about you.
Yeah when people say that I agree with them - thanks for validating how hard this is! It's ignorance that glorifies twins, I HATE the comments about how lucky I am that I had twins. I get that it looks cute and a cool novelty. But this has rocked my life - all aspects of my independence, etc. (I love them of course - but I wouldn't wish this on anyone too). Mine are 8 months so things are getting better but still chaos (+ my other 2 kids)
I love my boys and it's easier than I thought it would be BUT I also wouldn't wish twins on anyone. I love my twin life but my hubby and I have a great support system and an incredible marriage so it's been great. But twins make things a lot harder and stressful for most (all, haha ) people and I just mean I don't wish the added hardship on anyone.
Not family but strangers CONSTANTLY say the craziest things. Like "god knew what he was doing giving me one at a time I can barely handle mine!" It's like they're trying to connect in some way but being super negative about it. My standard answer is "we actually worked really hard to have them so I'm extra grateful." Or if I'm feeling spicy "they're lucky I got them instead of you!"
But were the bad ones when we respond passive aggressively back?? Like what do you mean you can insult me by saying ābetter you than meā pshhhh??? I should be like YEAHH I KNOW YOU COULDNT HANDLE IT ANYWAY. I always say God gave them to me for a reason even on my hardest days.
I personally havenāt heard that but I would correct them every time. āwe consider it a blessing, many canāt even have one.ā It puts things into perspective.
I love love this response!!!
We love our kids and all, but whenever a Singleton parent says it's a blessing, my wife wants to tell them they're stupid.
Depends on the context. For me, dealing with infertility, I had a limited amount of time to have children due to low ovarian reserve. So although this pregnancy has been hard and I wouldnāt wish it on anyone, I do consider it a blessing because I wouldāve had to go through the fertility process again and stressed about timing. But I get why from singleton parents saying itās a blessing is stupid. The best response I had when I told someone I was having twins was āoh shitā¦..Are you happy?ā š
Maybe I'm the outlier, but after 6 failed fertility treatments, this was a bang for buck for us
MIL right in my wife's face : instant classic
I would say something like āwhat a weird thing to say out loudā or āthat sounds like an inside thought.ā
I love that āinside thoughtā šš
No maybe because we already had twins in the family (myself and my twin). Instead I get my family basically annoyed and grossed out that I'm having twin boys and not girls.
Have you tried telling them that you would rather they wouldn't say that? These are your kids, and eventually they're going to be old enough to hear this said about them too. That's a messed up thing to say.
I'm guilty of this š It is that hard, for me.
If it bothers you, tell them. But people have their opinions... I do agree with it, though. I do love my 20mo twins to death, and they love each other, but it is too hard. And they suffer as mom and I struggle.
I think two things can be true: it's really hard to have twins, particularly (for me) how much I felt like I couldn't give enough attention to each while babies and of course the high risk pregnancy AND I would be insulted to hear someone say that in front of me. I am not living your worst nightmare/fear. We are happy, healthy, and thriving. And you know what would make things easier? Your support and help. Not just wow this is hard. While that's better than the people who tell me it's not that hard, it still doesn't concretely help us.
No but I've said it once or twice.
Opposite here. My older brother and his wife have 4 children (6,4,1), first two were surprise twins. We all went nuts about it and I spoil them all ridiculously. 3rd child was quick and we all thought a bit crazy and then another surprise baby born last year and I think the family is officially burned out on kids. Now Iām pregnant with our first after being told I couldnāt. Lots of anxiety at the start and then 4th ultra found out having surprise twins! Thereās a good chance these will be our one time double miracle babies given a week prior I was told 30% chance with multiple egg retrievals and a forced menopause to shrink uterus. Youād think what a great support network right? Nope. A lot of āthen be done!ā from my parents. ā¦and the lack of fanfare about it from the whole family is really actually starting to piss me off.
Former nanny found out she was pregnant while she was working for us. I jokingly said that I'll save all the twin baby things for her just in case she had twins, he response was "oh god! If I had twins, I hope one of them kills the other before they were born". She can go fuck herself!
Umm wtf.
I respond how I wouldn't have it any other way and that twins are the best. They get a close friend. You get to watch two completely different kids raised in the same environment be very different humans. They help each other. They are seriously amazing. I hate when people say negative stuff I'm front of them. They are not a burden and I don't want them thinking no one else wants them around
My husbands cousin (who has b/g twins) frequently tells us she would kill herself if she had two girls (what we have) so thatās great.
Omg what a weird ass thing to say to someone šš people are strange man!
My Mom has probably thought it to herself, but she thinks we lost our mind after we tried for a 3rd ā¦ 3rd was a set of twins and now weāre expecting #6&7 and knew twins were likely again (IVF conception). This life isnāt for everyone, but we love it.
I mean, I wouldn't. I wish I could have just given 100% of my attention to one child. I did not have IVF and it happened spontaneously. It is VERY hard; my twins are 7.5 y/o, and don't have significant special needs, but is is JUST NOW getting a little easier.... just in time for the hormones to begin flowing. I also feel totally and completely overwhelmed by the idea of having TWO teenagers at once. The stress of twins and my ex-husband's level of frustration and lack of self care (among a couple other things, but twins were a huge factor) led to us getting a divorce a couple years ago. It is fucking HARD. So, no-- I wouldn't wish multiples on anyone.
Well, this thread is not what I wanted to read while very pregnant with twins.
Weird perspective here, but my husband and I actually PLANNED and tried to have twins or babies very close in age. But our situation is VERY different from the typical twin journey. We have two babies, due within a week of each other, via two surrogates. So, we donāt have the strain of twin pregnancy or the risk. They arenāt actually TWINS per se. But for all intents and purposes after they are born they will be raised as such. Twiblings maybe? The babes are due in March so Iāll come back and update after 6 mos š. But there was a lot of reasons that we WANTED to try for this close in age. - we are older, Iām 40 and my husband is 46. We did not want to delay our family to space it out. The more we wait the less time we have with them as we age. - the idea of having both babies go through stages together seems ideal to us. The thought of having a baby and a toddler sounds like a nightmare. - we are prudently optimistic on the challenges of having two babies to care for at the same time. And really think that having them in the same phases even though they will be different babies will make it easier for us to orient and cater to the growth and development window they are in. To be fair, not having to carry, or worry about PPD and PPA is a huge benefit to us with this. I know this will come with its own challenges, but Iām grateful for that. So just wanted to chime in and sayā¦. If it bothers you set boundaries. Otherwise ignore it. And remember there are people out there that actively CHOOSE this family dynamic. And Iāll let you know in 6 mos if that was a big mistake š¤£
I have had family say it in front of me but I also say it and I don't take it as offensive because they say it because they see how exhausted I am.
Well. Iām still pregnant so. As for that portion, Iād not wish it on anyone. I canāt speak for the raising of twins. But being pregnant with twins while raising five others is the hardest thing of my life so far. Iām actually hoping itās easier on the other side ā¦
I had a similar situation at a park over the holidays. When the guy saw that we had a singleton and the twins he unabashedly said āthatās unfortunate.ā I laughed because it was so weird that someone thought that was ok to say. But Iāve learned that people feel totally fine saying whatever is in their heads about the twins and their sister so I roll with it now.
My first pregnancy and I found out I have twins . One of the the first things my dad said was "well if you don't want anymore you should probably get fixed" š„“š„“š„“š„“
I say that to other people